Sloss and Humphries On The Road - September '24 Q&A (Part.1)

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Muggins and Cream answer questions thrown into the ring by their patrons about their careers, personal lives and plans for the future. This was recorded as a double bill in order to get through them all so if you want to hear the rest consider this clickbait and subscribe for Thursday's bonus episode (Part 2) Maybe even throw in a question yourself next time. www.patreon.com/slossandhumphries   To see Kai on tour with his new show "Gallivanting" check out which city near you he'll be visiting. If there's no venue close enough to your house, please feel free to complain. www.kaihumphries.com/all-live-shows   Get your discount Altitude tickets with our custom code for 10% off and prepare yourself for the best week of comedy, food, winter sports and boozing you've ever had. www.altitudefestival.com Discount Code: MUGGINSANDCREAM25

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road where it actually is, Sloss and Humphreys. We're doing a Q&A, all of the Patreons put in their questions and we've just answered them. I'm recording this afterwards. But I've come on here to do a little plug at the beginning for my tour. I'm going to be on tour from the 10th of October, starting in the UK, doing all the major cities in the UK and then doing a lot of the cities in Europe. All the ones that are on sale are available on my website. That is www.kaihumphreys.com. Three W's. I've been corrected on that before when I do two. Also, I've got a bonus for you here. Altitude Festival have given us a code word. What do you call it? A discount code for 10% off Altitude tickets. It is Muggins and Cream 25. All block capitals,

Muggins and Cream. Use the word and, not the ampersand. Muggins and Cream 25. All block capitals. Muggins and Cream. Use the word and, not the ampersand. Muggins and Cream 25. That'll get you 10% off, but you have to buy it outright. That doesn't work with the scheduled payments. If you're doing it like split payments, the code doesn't work for some reason, but you can get it on the full price one.

And sign up for Patreon as my next plug. If you want to ask questions for the next time we do a Q&A, if you'd like a signed poster, if you'd like a thank you video, there's a bunch of perks on there. Go and have a little peruse of them. See which ones you like and subscribe to the tier that suits you.

And whichever tier you subscribe for, every week you'll get a bonus episode. So that's an episode just for the people who keep the lights on. And I hope you enjoy them. Enjoy the Q&A. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins on. And I hope you enjoy them. Enjoy the Q&A. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins,

straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Bring that a little bit closer there. Are we doing, is this an episode?

Is this a Q&A? Are we recording? Can I tell you how much my wife fucked me over the other day? Yes. And called me out it was a call out i was not expecting from the love of my life no you got called out like you got in a way in a way that you you'll be on my side of her like that was unbelievably brutal like what an unfair thing to do to like when i pointed out to my dad that he says sort of like quite a lot

and then he kept just going, oh, every time he did it. Of that elk, I can't remember who was round, but I was having, I think it was with Big Ali. Oh yeah, I think my mate Ali was round, right? And we were all talking to each other and obviously our son is there just being chaos and so while you're having a conversation he's trying to talk to you as well and you're like hey man

oh yeah i was telling you it was a story before and i kept getting shown pictures of strawberries and oranges and i'm like oh yeah good orange dude and then like where am i in this story again he doesn't do it to be rude he just does like he's the center of the universe he's going in the conversation the only way he knows he can. So it's just one of those scenarios where we're having a conversation and then sort of being like, yeah, yeah, that's amazing. You're the best. Yeah, da-da-da-da.

Back. I do this fucking riff. I just do, like, an off-the-cuff fucking remark. But it's, like, lost in the chaos of, like, Cara talking to Cailin, Ali holding fucking Ayla. So I give it like three seconds and then I say it again to big Ali and she went,

didn't get enough of the laugh the first time, did it? I was like, oh man, you gotta let me. Yeah, on the second swing. Yeah, baby, you're on my side. You gotta give me the thing. Like if you heard me not get the laugh the first time i haven't been getting laughs off strangers recently baby oh yeah and it is affecting me it's like i it's a void and it was so funny and i pointed out i was like i was like i

cannot believe you she was like i just wanted you to know that i saw the joke fail the first time i'm like well then alley-oop the second one I remember when I was doing 8 out of 10 cats for the first time bombing on my fucking hole I'd done like 2 TV shows went on to 8 out of 10 cats was shit because I was just like

oh my god I'm on 8 out of 10 cats and I did like 2 jokes straight off the back and the audience didn't know who I was the jokes probably weren't particularly good

and the audience did not fucking care about me at all and I lost full confidence full confidence so Full confidence. So you just clammed up and just enjoyed watching Sean Lock and Jimmy Carr going toe for toe.

Yeah, I'll just sit here and I'll just be... Be entertained. Yeah, I'll just have like the best seat in the house for 8 Out Of 10 Cats Live on the fucking panel and you've got your jokes written out in front of you and like all the topics and stuff and the stuff that you sort of pre-prepared and Jason Manford, who is my team captain can clearly see that just this 21 year

old has just dejected and lost all confidence and without saying anything he taps one of my jokes on the bit of paper right he just taps that one and i'm like what and he sets me up for it perfectly so here's the thing i was thinking this thing thing that's going on in the news today, it's sort of like da-da-da-da-da. And I went, oh my God, this is a sell for my father. And then I got to come in with the joke. And I'm like, how come Jason Manford's a better partner? You should have married Jason.

My wife. Should have been the marriage of Daniel and Jason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't remember. You wouldn't have been faithful, though. No. You would have cheated on your heaps you would have been DMing birds for tits

so not quite there on the same thing but my wife pointed out something that I was doing that was cruel to her that I didn't even realise in my set I mentioned about her being posh and then later on in my set I do a bit about the dip which I've told you about

I think you've seen it where it's like the working class people do swear words. But then posh people allude to catching black people, allude to it without saying it. Catch the tiger. Catch the tiger, catch the fishy. Fishy, you think they're fishy, do you? So I end that with you see working class people scumming on the surface posh people rotten to the core but like

I do it shortly after I refer to her as posh and she's like well that was nice you just called us rotten to the core I was like oh no I didn't even mean that but also yeah but yeah you did say that you did do that if it squeals let it go come on so yeah I just felt bad You did say that. You did do that. If it squeals, let it go. Come on.

So yeah, I just felt bad about that afterwards. I was like, I had never even crossed my mind that I did that. Fucker. But you know what it is. Subliminal. I'll teach you the fucking toady. Let's do some Q&As. We've got some, hey, listen up, Perians.

Which actually, we're speaking to everyone here because this is a public episode but this is powered by the parents because the subscribers on tiers two and three same seats and dads get to ask us questions as part of their perk package we haven't done one of these in a while so we're catching up on stuff now also i want to do a plug there's not really a plug because i can't really plug this thing because then that would be me admitting that i listen to it uh but enemy of the pod dave longley has a new podcast it's horrific don't don't listen to it it's i cannot it breaches all of my standards i cannot not recommend it enough it is my morals have been shattered into bits it It's sexist. It's homophobic. It's racist. It's generally bigoted. It's wrong.

It's childish. Deeply wrong. It's pathetic. I've listened to every episode. It's incredible. The opinion cow has some awful opinions. And I'm glad he's there to hold it to account, actually. The point is where Dave Longley holds that opinion cow to task.

And I'm glad he's there to do it because if that opinion cow is letting it just go, if that opinion cow ends up with its own podcast, society crumbles. Don't listen to it. It's not on YouTube.

It is on YouTube. It's BBC Radio Derby just like Dave Longley. He doesn't have much stuff out there. Oh, it is well, before it gets taken down. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Jerkmate are going to take it down.

He uses Jerkmate as a sponsor without getting their sponsorship. It's just him pretending that he runs BBC Radio Derby, which by the way is a lawsuit, which is a lawsuit in itself. He calls it BBC Derby. You can't just say that you're BBC Radio Derby and then put this out on the internet

and then expect nothing to happen. And then during all of the ad breaks, it's just all of the Jerkmate adverts that he listens to. Oh, and then he does the weather sponsored by Jerkmate. It's so funny. I mean, it's not funny. It's not funny. I can't laugh.

It's sick. It's really, really sick. It's fucking sick. You know when you're like, are we still doing racist voices to make people laugh? Dave Longley is, and he's doing it well. I swear to God that was not an indian man that called in that was a pre-recording of dave longley doing an indian accent i'm sure of it yeah

i'm certain yeah yeah uh-huh disgusting um anyway don't listen to it it's awful don't listen to it we couldn't advise that uh so we're gonna listen to your questions bud um so pin vanderwill asks daniel with the edit for hubris being done do you have any idea when it will be released So we're going to listen to your questions, bud. So Pin Van De Weel asks, Daniel, with the edit for Hubris being done, do you have any idea when it will be released? Oh, good question. No, no idea. Same with whatever my fucking last show was called.

Can't? That's it. We filmed them both. I mean, they should... I feel like I've gone through Hubris once. I've gone through and looked at the stuff in it and been like cut that out, cut that out keep that in, meld those two

fucking bits together hopefully by the end of the year I imagine but I've lied before and I've been lied to I'm so happy with my edit for Mischief as well but I'm like the clock is ticking on it.

There's one bit where, because I recorded in 2023. There's one bit where I just, in the future, I go, the year is 2025, and then do like a near future prediction. Yeah. Right? It's getting on to 2025 now. That's going to be dated real quick.

Yeah, I don't know how Ice Cream for the Jews is going to do now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They did. Yeah, I don't know how ice cream for the Jews is going to do now. Oh, yeah. The whole point was like them being the victims of like a genocide. And it was about the Tory government, which we don't have anymore. And it was about COVID. Oh, yeah.

I feel like it's super, super fucking dated. Yeah. Yeah. I've even got a bit that's in my show that I'm about to start touring. That I'm like, I think that's dating already. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've even got a bit that's in my show that I'm about to start touring that I'm like, I think that's dating already. Yeah. Like it's,

it's just about, you know, when Rishi Sunak was like, we don't have Sky TV. It's a bit about that. And I'm like, oh, that's what,

like, I'm already like losing sight of that one now. That's going to be gone before the end of the tour. This is where people who like the game has changed. And I just think it's a better way. Like the fact that people are able to be like, I've written a topical joke. I'm going to do it tonight on stage and I'm going to put it out fucking tomorrow on reels. just think it's a better way like the fact that people are unable to be like i've written a topical joke i'm gonna do it tonight on stage and i'm gonna put it out fucking tomorrow on reels and then it's gone yeah yeah i'm not gonna cling on to it for dlf

like i feel like that is i've been talking wrong i've got heaps of fucking catch in up to do in modern stand-up and i'll catch up whenever i decide to do it again hayley christie asks would you consider a reward added to a tier such as the dad tier that included general recordings for supporters to download and use for either ringtones? Do people still use ringtones? Well, she says such as like motivational quotes that we can play when we're anxious or have guests on the show such as Craig Hill reading a bedtime story or a ditty from Martin Nelson, a motivational quote from Ryan Cullen or a ringtone message from Elliot Steele. So like every time we've got a guest we'll get them to do something specifically for the dads. I mean

we could do that. Yeah that's absolutely like I am very open to these suggestions especially how I'm quite proactive at the minute of getting shit done. I'm on a good work ethic right now. I think when me two are coming up I'm like wait I'd normally just turn up to work, read a book and do me spot with you. I've got a good work ethic right now. I think like when we two are coming up, I'm like, well, it's like, I'd normally just turn up to work, read a book,

and do my spot with you. I've got a shift ticket. Is that what you've been doing? Now that it's your turn. Is that what you've been doing? In face-to-camera videos and shit. Fucking hell, I'm gruff.

Oh, I fucking, you know, every, every pre-American tour, in fact, even fucking Europe, actually,

every, every tour, what they make you do. And I don't go wrong I understand that this sometimes works it doesn't feel

like it works it feels like a fucking waste of time but it does work what they do is they go hey here are

the 50 dates coming up in America here's the venue here's the date here's the

city and here's the time can you do one minute two cameras just be like hey Boston

it's me Daniel Sloss if you never heard of me I'm a comedian. I've been on fucking Netflix. I've been on HBO. My show X is bleh. And I'm going to be coming to the Wilbur

on the 19th of October. And then you have to do that for every single fucking place. And it takes all day. Because I think you're a bit more natural to me, which is why you used to do all the intros all the time for this. Because for me, I kind of did in one take. So if I've got like, Live Nation are doing 17 of the gigs, so all the ones in Europe are independent promoters

who'll want their own stuff, but they'll ask it for it as an individual thing or the two gigs they're running. Live Nation wanted videos for 17 things. I wish that was just recording 17 videos. That was recording approximately 170 videos and then picking the one out of the 10 for each that I'd done that I still looked at with a perfectionist's eye

going, not good enough, but I'm not going to day another 170 until I get the one I need. It's just like it's- And trying to make them unique to each place in case anybody sees two. And this is a game where I feel like I'm now at the stage of my career

where I feel like, and I've often said, I don't want to become one of the old better junglers comics but when you see just the younger generation and the new generation comedians sort of changing what the game is and driving it forward because that's what progression is and just going fuck I don't know if I can do that. I

only believed that the one talent I had to have was just going on stage and being fucking funny and that was it that was the whole thing whereas now and that's why there's an industry around it

that's why there's like a bunch of people working around you in these different companies and producers and everything because then they just get the person that's done 80% of the job

writing the show and performing the show and getting to the venue and they do the 20% around it that's and now there's just people who are just infinitely better than I am in terms of like engaging with their audience they're able to like all of their videos like fucking say we like about burke kreischer is

really good at promoting any of his fucking shows like he puts lots of money into it he makes each one fucking unique like but with the younger comics they'll be like i'm doing this i'm going here i'm doing this come see me all in these creative ways and i'm like god i really am just fucking sitting in my office saying this to camera it doesn't feel good at all like am i just fucking outdated but then i started thinking about like what can i do the 17 gigs right maybe i could like get out of bed and do one of them brush my teeth and do the other get in the shower and do the other then they could stitch together into like me whole day i'm in the gym day and another one and all that and you can stitch it together is that just going to make someone like Mark Nelson

going to see this stuff going is that going to make one of your peers one of your peers just going to look at this couldn't make an effort aye

aye that is always the thing I was talking to a friend of ours the other day where they were making a career decision and they were like but what if

what if my peers don't respect me for it and I was like it's a fear, it's a fear, I was like one first of all, nobody respects like nobody to this particular person I was like first of all mate I say this with all love, nobody respects you anyway get that out of your head

but even if they did that can't be your fucking fear, as someone who for so long desperately seeked the approval of peers and colleagues and whatever and never felt like they got it and i'm not saying i've surpassed this point in my life and i'm looking back on it with any form of wisdom but like i'm certainly getting to the point where i'm like man i've done everything my way i'm really happy with where i am in my personal life in my fucking career and and now I feel like,

at least compared to 25-year-old me, if someone I was to sort of see as a peer and an equal was to sort of be, like, dismissive of me, I'd be like, ah, fucking, I don't really care what you think anymore, man. Whereas if you see someone do that, you will bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You will bitch if you don't like how they conduct themselves.

I think, yeah yeah yeah well yeah yeah so to wrap it up what was the question can we do a bit more for the patrons with our guests like get them to just like give them a bit of motivation a ringtone just like something yeah I think they'd be well up for that and you know as well there's something on Patreon now

where it's like somebody can bid somebody can buy this post so it only goes out to one person so you just put it up and they can buy it and it suggests because it's a new feature it suggests you do that every time you put a podcast out i'm like no this is for everybody they've paid for it already why would i do that what could that possibly be this is actually just a question to the audience what could it possibly be that you want to buy that nobody else can see dick pic a dick pic just like an hour long podcast

if we're jacking each other off she would only fans it she would just turn I think into a one time purchase only fans what would you like as a one time purchase

like they've got to be their like fucking Oasis tickets they've got to be their own line to get it they've got to get it there when it drops

oh they've got to be their guy I'm not paying 50 quid for it oh it's gone now I need it I'd pay 100 it's gone too tough luck so what what could that what could that feature possibly be for what are other podcasts doing i don't know what people are doing with that feature that's the right way to conduct ourselves what's everyone else doing we'll do

that even though even though that is the entire basis of this whole podcast thank you have a word i mean probably stew goldsmith or carl and chris chris uh chris martin and carl donnelly were probably the ones that we followed from have a word of the ones that give us the speed boost yeah yeah and they also were they were the first to do the american style and like we Style Like fuck it we're going to get a studio We're going to have a production team We're going to do it the way they do it Yeah Okay we'll try and up the stakes for the pod

Speaking of you can cut this bit out Mark Campbell asks what's some of your favourite places To gig at over the years or where have you Had your best gig Aye Boston Springs to mind Yeah Wilbur Special The Wilbur is cool or where have you had your best cook? Aye, Boston springs to mind. Yeah, Wilbur's special. The Wilbur is cool.

Yeah. Dallas, for me, is always one where I'm just like, this is going to be a real... Because I remember the first time I went to Dallas, I had that sort of outside of America, outside of Texas, ignorant, being like, fucking, I'm a big pleading heart goddamn live, and here I come to gun-toting, we hate abortions country surely there's

not going to be and then they're like really apologetic for the rest of the state no no they're still proud Texans they are but they're also like but we're inclusive yeah yeah and Dallas sort of surprised me it's always it's always super high up on my list of like places I'm legit excited

to to perform in. We've not been there for a while, fucking Boulder in Colorado, even though Denver's fucking great, but Boulder was really good fun. While we're still in America, Philadelphia feels like Newcastle,

and I always get that, like an industrial town. That you get from Glasgow and Liverpool, which put them on the list. Glasgow and Liverpool, I always have a belt of time performing to people there like

anywhere where you can't offend them and they'll love it if you try yeah Brisbane's always good Brisbane Australia's always always class

Sydney's Sydney's really good but like Brisbane's just fucking got it yeah Melbourne

I love Melbourne but you're the clitoris you're the clitoris that's the one where you do have to tiptoe a little bit aye no no

you just gotta fucking beat them with it you gotta be like fucking I know you gotta make them take their medicine you gotta be like

hey your life's be left wing but you do have to fucking take jokes about being left wing you fucking fucking little fucks in terms of Europe Prague

always up there I am really looking forward to my I'm doing a tour show in Prague I am really looking forward to my, I'm doing a tour show in Prague. I'm probably looking forward to that because I just feel like comfortable that I've got like a Geordie contingent in the crowd. Yeah.

Like that just makes us feel like a bit safer. Yeah. I'm still playing to some of my people and everyone else from Prague. Weirdly enough in the last year, I got a new sort of favourite in Europe. Gothenburg. Gothenburg. Oh yeah. In Sweden.

I think it was on a fucking Wednesday we'd sold out months in advance. The staff there were like, we could have done fucking four of these. And then they were just super, super energetic. Europe's really hard to pick a favourite because unlike in America where you're like, oh my god, we're going to go to new

territories and build an audience here. And unlike in the UK where you're like oh my god we're gonna go to new territories and build an audience here and unlike in the uk it was like these established audience and you're sort of treading the same footsteps of all these other comedians who tour before you in europe it's like there's not really any fucking bad places because it's still i know it's not super new but just in terms of life yeah if you're thinking like uh what it was like remember the first time we were on Croatia, and it was just like, it just felt like received, like we were prime Chris Rock. Yeah.

Like it was that like level of just like fucking lifting you like six feet off the ground before you've even started. Yeah. Like you get that from spots in Europe where like, they just fucking sort you off there. Also all of Germany, man. Like Germany, Germany is so fucking good, which is so weird, obviously,

considering the age old stereotype that they're not fucking funny like i think germany is one germany is one of our biggest markets in europe in the terms of like we go to like eight cities there because it's yeah we do it germany now yeah like when we go to france we go to paris when we go to sweden oh to be fair sweden and norway we do do at least three or four in each of those places yeah but i see what you're saying yeah there spots will go to that capital yeah and then but germany's like seven or eight cities and they're all fucking superb i mean it's getting to the point now where we've listed so many places that there's there's places that we haven't mentioned they're getting sad uh let's do like let's just do all the countries okay have you got a favorite from india i feel like bangalore

because that was the first one we did when we got there. Yeah, yeah, they're always wild in Bengaluru. And that was just that initial like,

you know, you go on with this like apprehension of like, oh, maybe they might not understand everything and then it just goes down so well that you're like,

oh, I underestimated how much of a comprehension they'd have. Yeah, good. And then, yeah, fuck it, we'll do that and then fuck the rest of India kidding obviously

I shouldn't have said that to the only country that sends me death threats and I can't wait to get back now Kevin Cresswell asks what's the TV show or film that you guys rewatched because it was that good oh what have I rewatched you know what I can't say it but fucking Game of Thrones

until season 8 until Until Until season 8 Until halfway through season 8 I even thought it got off to a good start But like when season 8 Every new season that came out of Game of Thrones I re-watched it up until then Yeah So I re-watched season 1 so many times

Because you'd always watch through it It was that good And then it just dropped the ball right at the touchline Yeah The Prestige is up there for movies. I could just re-watch that over and over again. Warrior, I can watch over and over again. South Park.

South Park's, yeah. South Park, you can put that on shuffle. Yeah, and it's got a much higher hit rate than fucking Simpsons now that Simpsons has saturated itself with shite. Whereas I feel like if you think South Park, shite now, you're right wing now and you're like they're not making fun of everyone, you're like they are they're just

making fun of you as well they've gone all woke, that's interesting because I do remember an entire season where they made fun of woke babies and PC Principal where they made fun of trans people there was like three entire seasons where they made fun of trans people there was like three entire seasons where they made fun of

Left Wing do you want a safe space from South Park do you want to be they made all of these jokes and you're like no they don't like Trump

meh it's pretty pretty fucking pathetic I've rewatched It's Always Sunny like 12 times this year yeah

Always Sunny's really good I've got this thing where I tend not to re-watch stuff I tend I'd like even though we'd go back to a lot of places on tour

I tend not to go back to countries I've never I've already been to because I always want new things like even when I'm like I've I've only re-read one book

what one? City of Thieves oh so I always like even though like I really enjoy stuff I rarely go back because that's the time

I could be using doing something new but I think South Park is the one exception where I'll just be like if that's on now I'll watch it if I've got half an hour to kill I'll watch it Kevin also asks question for Daniel how long would you like the beard to grow

you must have been trimming it already. That shaped that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've been trimming this just because I didn't want to have like a fucking, I don't think I can pull off the death metal goatee sort of thing where it's just like that.

And that's not really the look I want to go for. Like a pharaoh. Pharaoh? Pharaoh, aye. Pharaoh's a name. That's a place. Also, true. This shit really needs to come in.

You think that I will? Well, I mean, the hair's there. It just doesn't come in. Do you have any alopecia patches? I've got bits there that a stubble won't even grow in. Like little bits. I did for a bit. There's a bit up here.

Fucking Moses was part of oh yeah for a while but then it got thick enough so you've got a comb over on your alopecia patch I've got the same spot on mine

oh I remember if dad's got it then probably oh because I thought because I got a scar on my chin I thought it

was something to do with that I thought maybe I just fucking stunted the how did you get the scar I was the kid in

my school that got British Bulldog band did you no I didn't I didn't campaign for it by being bad at it no i was a gobby little shite and i can't remember what i was doing but i can almost guarantee that it was my fault um because i was small and cocky surprise surprise uh and

some fucking primary six had just had enough of me like getting towards the end every single time jordia and just grab no no grabbing my one arm swung me around three times and just fucking yeeted me I think it was

a trench pull oh man properly it landed I mean it landed on my body mostly but it's got my chin pretty fucking bad ended up with

I kept telling everyone I got stitches my mum was always like you got butterfly stitches it's not stitches it's a plaster you know look we gotta stop calling them butterfly stitches because you're acting way harder than you need to be you fucking loser uh it'd be it'd be like

it'd be like if i'm a dog that's gone in for surgery but like i got a cast you're like you got a cone motherfucker that's not that's not because you're, let's stop licking your dick. Do you think you'll have a beer on your next special? Is it here to stay? Yeah. Is it like an evolution? Your next tour, your next special is going to be beer, Daniel. I think so.

Cara keeps commenting on my, and not in any form of negative way, but like on my clear like image change. She's like, what's spurred it? What's going on? I'm like, well, first of all, it's the first time i've ever had heaps of fucking time i'm taking a run for the comeback all right i've got lots of time off i've never watched grow a beard while i was doing stand-up because all people will do is fucking comment on it and the second you comment on it i'll lose i'll lose confidence in it so quickly it's gonna go this is i had to say this

to her when i was like i know i don't want to tell her anything but we're in the car we're driving Caitlin to a fucking play place and it's just like I've been home from tour for five days just the future is free I'm off and I turned to her in the car and I go I am I'm gonna um I'm gonna see if I can grow my beard out and I need you to know how insecure I am about it and like I really need like I would like support during it and if not support just not horrific bullying comments

because we're in love and we make fun of each other all the time yeah yeah yeah right and my wife drives the car and she's like okay I support you

whatever you do I love you great she's going to be texting Colin man worse right she's talking about you behind your back now do I love you great she's gonna be texting Colin man worse right she's telling you behind your back

that's what you've made happen I bare my soul just say look I've always been insecure about it I've always wanted to grow up it's always made me feel

like less of a man the fact that I couldn't fucking do it I tell her all this stuff and she's like great I love you cool and for like two weeks

afterwards friends family she'll deny and she to this day denies this she says that's just what people do

her parents come down they're like hey I like your beard and I'm like this is worse you fucking told them to go and pull me my fucking beard

you put the fucking bumpers up on life be nice about his beard don't do that he's really sensitive he's really sensitive just tiptoe around it if you're going to mention it

be kind put a nice beard so way worse happens everyone's like hey man that beard really in the phase where it didn't suit me

and I'm like I know it doesn't suit me yeah I know we're in the fucking like fucking 13 year old Turkish boy stage where it's just coming in in fucking patches

people are like no I think it really fucking suits you and I'm like you know what bullying would have actually been better than this because bullying

would have allowed me to like put my fucking back up and be stubborn and I'm like god damn I'm good at being fucking stubborn and then insult them back based on something they didn't even know they were doing wrong.

Exactly. Always go for somebody's fifth insecurity. They're aware of the first two. The next three comes up in therapy. That fucking sixth one. The bit of unity to the top ones. Oh, you got to go for that fucking fifth, sixth insecurity. That's where it fucking hurts.

That kidney shot right there. Bring up... Here's the best way to do it. if there's a specky ginger guy with braces go for the wart on his finger yeah yeah if there's a if there if there's like a fat gay person remind them that uh their grandparent who's the only one they felt comfortable with died seven years ago because that grief is gone it's past but it's still deep in there if you bring it up once at the right time, you're fucking kidding me, punch the cunt. Well, are you ready for a bald guy if I decide to shave my hair, keep balding?

Are you prepared for that? Like, I feel like it's stopped. Like, it had a 2020, had like a moment where it was like the bald patches coming in and it stopped. And I started receding and it stopped but like you know

if I have another wave are you ready for bald me I'd look old man yeah you would yeah I think in the minute I'd probably like I look younger than my age

right now yeah you'd have to get you'd also have to I feel like if you were to go bald you'd have to get fucking hench oh do you think I'd have to be

yeah that would make work that's always in my head like if you want to see veins on my head if it's getting shaved like

yeah if like one of my spirals that I go into my head every now and again I was like if Cara were to ever

die in like a car crash with one or both of my children I know the thing I know about myself is I would just

turn to alcohol and drugs so quickly and then I would just try and kill myself over time but if I had a kid left who I had to be there for I'm like the only way I would be good I wouldn't want anyone talking to me I wouldn't want anyone knowing who I was anymore because I would just have to be somebody different

and my thing would be like full beard I'd shave my fucking head and my form of grief would just be four hours in the gym every single fucking day and just getting like sat down tinder no no we've discussed this before i think i think if cara cara were to die oh yeah yeah i mean that like that's the type of thing that just it would make you a different person yeah you're just a different person that's what, man, you just got fucking... So with the beard thing,

this kind of brings us back to the original fucking question, is, like, I've been the... Or at least in my head. Like, I've been in comedy for 16 fucking years now. I've always been sort of the young one, even though, like, I've not been young. Young. So very long.

And I'm like, you know what? I'm a dad now. I'm a dad of two. I'm a husband. I'm a different person. And also, like... You what I'm a dad now, I'm a dad of two I'm a husband, I'm a different person and also like you're a homeowner yep I've never really had time to like really work out

who I am now because I've always just sort of been like for half the year I'm dad of six half Xbox, yeah yes and then the other half of the year I'm like oh hey I'm a family man and now I get time to fucking be home and I'm like what am I fucking interested in again and then this is just like, the image change comes with a little bit of soul searching yeah hi just being like man i was the fact and don't be wrong the second we go on tour i'll be

back to hoodies and joggers because that's comfortable to fucking travel in but you know i became an suv guy yeah but an suv also carly said I can never shave my beard I become a soccer mom God it says I can never shave my beard now because now that I have it's really separate or it's really actually solidified for her how similar me and Jack look mm-hmm right Jack my younger brother who's fucking what, 6'2", 6'1"? Tall, when he's flyering for me during the French people just come up. Not even flyering for me,

when he's flying for the people during the French people, people come up to him and go, hey, you look like a taller Daniel Sloss. And he's like, yep. That's because we have the same face. You missed out on the rubber mouth, Matthew. I'm talking to Matthew.

He's off camera right now. They've got like a kind of rubber mouth like it looks like one of nina conti's like uh face masks that she puts on people that's just that's just fucking ventriloquist dummy and you've just got a regular mouth you've not got them damn dick sucking lips another question um matilda sutherland asks what has been your favourite memory in the current studio

oh yeah because this I says this may be the last studio episode that we do oh I mean the fucking I still

whenever I'm feeling down if I ever want to bring joy to myself I'll go back and watch the clip of you in the sour sweet the sour sweet was good that was

and again that was like first episode that really felt like I remember doing that episode and how much effort I put in beforehand with like research and buying these things and setting everything up and being like,

God, what a noose. You really created some good stuff there. I was like, what a leaf we've turned in this podcast. And then I turned the page again. I went, oh, still a lazy fuck. Hold on, but first we'll nearly kill him with a hot chip. We'll really take take it down

from sour sweet to instant like death aye aye I fucking that hurt that

so yeah I think day one was the highlight day one was the highlight of the studio but I move

next week so even though the studio's gonna look pretty fucking similar we hope yeah we're just gonna transplant everything into the new studio.

Yeah. Just had to get that another lick of paint, but like the big thing was like sourcing all of the like, and the cameras and all that, like a lot of the build is just going to be transplanted. So it shouldn't, it should be pretty seamless into the new studio. But yeah.

You go on fucking tour. And then I go, you know what? I was looking at me turkeys, the UK, the UK ones first. A lot of October, I'm coming back home in between

I'm doing like pockets a weekend like the weekend down south and some of it I'm doing quite a lot of gigs in Scotland there will be room

for podcasts when I'm up here for sure in October I thought I was going to have to fucking pull my finger out in November I might

because in November me and Connor Burns are touring around Europe and it's going to last about four weeks and we are taking the equipment but it's going to be a lot more

it's going to be like the original tours that we did together where it's a bit more intense time wise and especially how I'm doing the longest spot on stage

that would have been when I was setting the room up for it to get back and do the podcast oh my god are you going to turn this podcast into Humphreys and Burns on the road and then I'm just like oh my god i'm just a no the idea the idea

would be once a week i mean can i do an episode and once a week you do a studio episode with a guest so that would be one november okay graham leslie asks have you thought about an end game from comedy if so where and how would you like to bow out i haven't thought about an end game of comedy in my head you know in my head i want to i want and in my heart i want to do it forever um uh i have i still love the job um i still love writing um this amount of time off has sort of it's double-edged on one side i'm like jesus christ dude i love i love being a husband and a dad or two it's the tits and being and not just and any and an even more present husband and father or two than a lot of dads get to be in the sense that like they've got nine to fives

they're going offshore they're doing whatever I actually get to be there 100% of the time which by the way does not mean I'm not a better father

ask my wife I'm still on my phone half the fucking time is it like lockdown when you were like oh man if I had time off I'd learn a second language and you're like

what the fuck yeah yeah I'm like oh man I'm going to be at home with my kids all day I'm going to listen to everything my son says and then he just says the same shit over again i'm like yeah man cool just ignore the kid again like i could be back on the road actually i do i do miss parts of stand-up i can certainly feel that like

and i think this is healthy i feel like my fucking ego is taking a big dip which i think is important and needed to but like this dip where i'm just like okay i do need that i need external validation like and i really enjoy the external validation of like creating a joke building up getting a good and touring it and you know and man i enjoy being a fucking zed list celebrity i like going to sold out fucking venues like that side of things but the balance is you're also a man of extremes as well you'll like be gigging non-stop or you'll be taking time off non-stop yeah

so I mean to just have that like you know how I've like done September where I'm just like you know what I need some time off too but I'm only going to take gigs in Glasgow yeah

so like every gig that I've done I've like getting back to my own bed and I've left the house at about fucking seven to get there or whatever right like I've taken time off in a way that I'm not actually taking time off but I'm just take I'm taking time off traveling's what I'm doing that's what I've done with it like maybe you could just do something that way just like just keep us working but near the house well that's the thing that sort of kind of happened I can't reveal anything about any of the projects I'm working on, but there are like four separate things

happening in my life at the moment, which is essentially paid work where I'm just at home. And none of them are really in full fruition. I'm not actually doing the actual part of them yet. We're still waiting for things to happen, for those things to get going, but they're going to be happening

in October, November, December. And you can't put gigs in the diary based on the fact that your diary might be required for external work yeah but just the so so sort of having this thing i'm like oh my god i get to work from home and i still get to do comedy based things write comedy based things uh but like it can be i can be at home i can be i can be with the kids for six hours and then say to the car, I need two hours out in the studio to actually do some fucking work and this is getting us fucking paid while I'm at home. That's really good

and it certainly opened me up to like then, you know, just knowing that that's an option at some points in my fucking career because I thought, again, I've said this on the podcast, people are like,

you're going to get bored, you're going to miss fucking stand-up. I don't fucking miss it yet. Nah, you don't nah like we've man we've got the fucking Palladium gig

in two weeks and I'm going to have to ask for the footage from Istanbul because I do not know the show can't do you know what I had an anxiety dream

the other day and I don't I don't get anxiety dreams that often anymore because bad stuff happens you deal with it like you know the fucking missing luggage the fucking like just all the things like actually not turning up to the gig

that you're running and you have to improvise around it like all the stuff i used to have anxiety dreams about at the start of my career something's happened where i've had to deal with it now i know i'm equipped to deal with it if it happens psychologically um i had one the other day where i was opening for eminem and i didn't know me set great and i got called on stage but it wasn't to the stage i was to the balcony and they didn't know i was going to be there and i had to get their attention and let them know where i was and then when i started talking i couldn't remember any of my jokes yeah and they didn't know i was going to be on and it was like this weird anxiety dream and i was like i reckon there's something in that

because we're about to do the palladium and I'm going to do the old material from the previous show that I've been doing on your tour, the stuff I've been opening on the Cannes tour because I want people from the Palladium to come and see my solo show in London, which is going to be all my new stuff. You could put seven minutes of this show into that set though. But then that would make it a harder memory game

because the links between stuff wouldn't be there. I think it would be easier to just do a little refresher course on the material that I'm going to be doing for you. And again, with the show, I've only been doing like 20 spots in the last month, but I've got enough muscle memory from the show from August. If you are coming to the Palladium show, I warn you now, I have not done stand-up since the 19th of may and at that point may

june july august september october will be four and a half months since i'll have said fucking stage that's mad and you do a long time as well because i was talking to cullen backstage at the glee like if if you had to just keep on going to the crowd from the minute you walk on stage to the minute you've run out of stuff to say or you're like going to repeat all the material you've already done

how long do you think you could go on for? three and a half do you think three and a half? yeah because I reckon it would take a little bit of brushing up

right but I could do Mischief and I could do Galavant both tonight back to back so that would be two hours and I reckon there'd be enough muscle memory there on routines like I know what you're doing in there the man of the house

um tada even like stuff that i've done is club set i could probably like blast out another 30 minutes to an hour where it was still solid stuff so i reckon i could probably get to three hours before i completely burnt out of material and you tend to do like two hours on a show. I can't remember a single word from X. I could do a fair bit of hubris. I could do most of can'ts. Whoa, fucking Jesus. My memory's fucking appalling.

So yeah, maybe three and a half. Right, you need to do three and a half. So just the recent show, if you brushed up on it, and then sections of the other shows. Yeah, and a half so just the recent show if you brushed up on it and then sections of the other shows yeah and then I would remember certain jokes from certain shows

but I was never able to do a full fucking run alright I've got to pee for the next question Daniel Ford asks when is Gav coming on the pod

Gav will be good on the pod actually you know how there's like certain mates that even though they're not comedians you think they'd be good like I'm 100%

going to have Sid on when he's up next week, because I'm just going to get questions off the patrons to ask him about like being a vet since they have an event on the podcast, but one that can also compose himself and talk to the audience and be fun. Like I knew when I went, can you remember when I went down and had Matty and Ricketts on the pod? Can you not?

So it was, it was just more like hitting deadlines with a podcast, but we're like a bit behind and Matty and Ricketts on the pod. Can you not? So it was just we're like hitting deadlines with a podcast, but we're like a bit behind and Matty and Ricketts come on. And Matty was just an absolute natural on it. You've been there with Matty on? We've done like a Both Best Men podcast, one of the early ones in like 2016. Oh, yeah.

Like Matty was good. But I think Gav would be another one where he would be like super interesting and have a lot to say. Yeah. What was the question? We're going to have Gav on the podcast. Oh, yeah, Gav would be good. I've also not spoken to fucking Gav in so God damn long.

He's hard to speak to because you send him a message and he'll reply in like six weeks. Yeah, that's where I'm at. And he'll not even open the message. He's in group chat. If he opens his phone on WhatsApp, he'll scroll and it'll just be hundreds of numbers yeah yeah like as fatherhood uh yeah uh-huh because like i'll i'll tend to find moments in my day when i can catch up on whatsapp i'll not always engage with it yeah but i'll always like take the shit at the gym like handful of like moments in the time like fucking where you'll just have a little scroll catch up like he doesn't let any of that shit in so like even if you message him you're like waiting for him to be like delayed for a flight before he's ever gonna do that

i'd have him on i'd talk to him again he talked to him once more all right lily jean berry asks if you guys do end up doing a show in australia when you're out there for jean's wedding will you let us patreon members know even if it's supposed to be secret so we can organise travel and make sure we don't miss it? Yeah, look, I'll be straight up with you right now. If I'm doing shows that time, it's going to be at the Sydney Comedy Store. And it's going to be a work in progress?

Yeah. Or going to be just new ideas fresh from the notepad? There's a potential that I could do, also pop down to Melbourne and do Racing Carnival's Comedy Republic

and do a couple of shows there if we're both hanging around in Melbourne we'll definitely put a podcast on as well even if it's just something that we'll put out

to the patrons also speaking of I've told you I've told you both the story but it belongs on the fucking podcast about

my weirdly successful drug deal oh yeah yeah tell the story right so recent guy into my old i was talking to reason about this i was like they must be my oldest friend in comedy like apart from you but i even think i met race the year before uh or it might have been like i met them in the March April at the Fringe not the Fringe the Sydney festival and then the Fringe that year yeah 2009 Fringe so you had like a year where like you were seeing other people yeah yeah before we got steady yeah so just my oldest friends in the fucking world. They were up, Rhys was doing a tour up here.

They decided to take me out for my birthday. And Rhys was like, can you get some weed? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I haven't fucking like, not that I haven't bought weed in ages, but I was close.

I was past my a hundred days sober from weed. I was like, but even before those hundred days, when I was getting weed. Isn't it 20 bag bag anymore has there been inflation like what do you get i'm so used to just buying it from grams now i'm so used to buying from fucking telegram we're like hey can you send an ounce to my door and a bunch of fucking edibles and then the next day my postie turns up being like this bag stinks and i'm like i'll bet it does but you're coming in where's now, I've not texted my dealer in so fucking long. So I text my old dealer

being like, hey man, is this still your number? And he goes, yeah, what are you after? I'm like, hey, I don't know,

I don't know weights anymore, but can I just get like a bunch of fucking weed? He's like, sure. I don't really do weed anymore, but I'll ask around. So,

he doesn't reply the rest of that night. Vintage fucking drug dealer next to him like, hey, if you can still get it today, that'd be fucking great. My friend's leaving tomorrow. He messages, goes, I'm meeting my guy tonight. I can meet you outside the restaurant

that you're going to and sell it to you then. And I'm like, boom, ideal, done. We get to the restaurant and he's like, I'll be outside in five minutes. White Volkswagen Golf. And I'm like, great. Sat down for dinner we're just some drinks and get a message I'm outside I go great excuse myself walk out across the road down the street that we've agreed to go to and there's a white Volkswagen Golf sort of not parked in the middle of the road it's a quiet street but it's parked

to the side but there's like some construction there and it's just like and the lights are on now my drug dealer last time i was there four fucking years ago it was the standard thing of like it's just him i get in the car we have a little five minute conversation he gives me the bag i give him money we fuck off uh this time i'm walking towards the car and i look in and there's like three people in the car and the person driving is not my drug dealer and the person in the passenger seat is not my drug dealer and they're somewhere in the back and i'm like i can't see them and i'm like oh my god they've gone up in the world they can't chaperone around but like yeah i mean he's got a driver now this is like fucking good for him his business is going up in the world and i'm on towards and the passenger gets out of the car he's not doing

weed anymore a passenger gets out of the car and because I'm white and a Z-list celebrity I'm like well I'm never going to be fucking arrested for anything in my life so I'm just counting out money

as I'm walking along the passenger walks past me and goes hey man I've got the stuff follow me and I'm like oh

okay cloak and daggers is it this is a new system but I turn around I I follow him along. He's been spooked? I really would have liked to have spoken to my drug dealer. I've not seen him in years. I thought he would have enjoyed a catch-up, but fair enough.

We used to play FIFA together. Yeah, and he runs an empire now. Like, fucking, give me the goddamn money. Am I getting his little guy? Yeah. Is he too big for me now? Like, what's this? Yeah.

So the guy, I'm walking with the guy uh and i go 50 quid and he goes yeah and i go great give him the 50 quid he gives me a bag of coke and i went oh you know it's not the rocket fuel i'm like i'm like man you're five years too late for this i'm not after coke he's like get out another 50 quid but the weed though just to keep me alert when i'm stoned uh i'm like this weed makes me chatty i'm like oh sorry man i'm after weed he's like oh fuck sorry man and he goes back to the car when he goes back to his car a girl walks out of her apartment walks across the road goes to the car as well he goes to her gives her the bag of coke comes out gives me my five grams of weed and goes i got used mixed up uh she was after the coke

you're after the weed he gives me the weed i smell it it's fucking weed great awesome thank you i walk back to the restaurant i text my guy thanks man i go in i got the stuff we sit down we order a meal 15 minutes later i left car at home with two kids always want to check in oh i'm like the second you say the words i'm home instantly if things get fucking difficult i check my phone five missed calls seven messages come home immediately none from cara all from my dealer going hey man where are you this is so incredible and i'm like what he goes i He goes, I'm here. And I'm like, okay. He's like, I've got the green. I'm like, I've got the green.

I've just bought enough of it. He's like, what? So I phone him up. And I'm like, yeah, man, I just picked up. And he's like, from who? And I'm like, the white Volkswagen Golf. And he's like, I'm on the street. I'm like, I saw you in your fucking car.

You were in the back. He's like, in the back? Why would you were in the back he's like in the back why would I be in the back of my own car how would I drive it and I'm like what I'm like

your guy got out he took us down the alley and he's like what guy and I'm like your guy the guy that you have for yourself

like the chances and he's like what are you so I walk I walk all the way fucking back laughing on the phone

and I'm talking three cars behind where this other white Volkswagen Golf was. It's my guy just like, ooh. No places to be,

motherfucker. I've been texting I'll be there in five minutes to 12 people. You're the reason when this happens. You know when this happens to you? He said 20 minutes.

It's because the people are you. I get in the fucking car and I'm like, I'm sorry, did you not just sell me wheat? He's like, no, do you have wheat? And I take out my bag. I'm like, it's exactly what we discussed. Five grams. Did you weigh it up next to his guy?

You're bumping his hair, by the way. No, no, he was better. My guy. Yeah, he was like, here you go, man. And I was just like, okay. So we have a laugh about that. But I think, I'm like, okay. Who's now not got weed?

There's somebody that was meant to be getting weed there. The exact same car, the exact street, the exact fucking time. And I'm like, is this like a turf war? He laughed and went, buddy, it's Edinburgh and it's marijuana. There's not turf wars. What are you fucking talking about? We all own white Volkswagen Golfs.

There's no chance this is a fucking turf war. I'm like, okay. I go back to Rhys and Kieran. They just did a drug deal. They're like, this white Volkswagen Golf pulled up, I say, honked his horn, played some ice cream van music,

and we just got in. And to this, I've told this story so many times to friends, and I know Rhys has told it. Poor Kyron, I had to hear it a couple of times in the day, because you told me, and then Gareth arrived late,

and then you told Gareth, and she's already heard the story. So like, it's so good it's so good like fucking unbelievable do you know window cleaners

have turf wars aye aye window cleaners aren't happy if someone starts cleaning windows on their patch would you be though

imagine you turned up to clean a window it was already clean you're like wait a minute it's my bread it's my bread and butter is she better than me

well I can see you so yes clean the insides as well you're like fuck man the game's changing It's my bread and butter. Is she better than me? Well, I can see you, so yes. Clean the insides as well. You're like, fuck, man, the game's changing. Then have a word, start window cleaning. I kind of keep up. You clean the inside of the windows.

Which, by the way, if you start cleaning the inside of the windows, you're fucking mopping up as well as the window cleaning. You're going to mop your kitchen and that while you're in there. Did those guys take down your spider's webs? They took down all the spider's webs. Did they charge you extra for that? Window cleaners

should charge half price for cleaning half the window. Stand by this leg. All right, but then, but yeah, but then if they're inside the house

washing the inside of the windows, then they're not outside watching me masturbate and then what am I paying them for ah yeah it's kind of

like it breaks the fourth wall when they actually come in yeah yeah I'm like ah the porn became real the porn became real

ah ah ah yeah that's your window it's like one of them concave ones to make your dick look bigger well if my dick

looked any bigger the guy wouldn't have come in the house squeeze past it Just trying to clean the window buddy So before We're going to do another episode for the Patreons With more questions

If you want to see that you can subscribe to our Patreon And get those We're also going to do a prize draw for the people who have subscribed as well And if at any point in your life you want drugs statistically white Volkswagen Golf white Golf and if you're a cop

just pull the Golf just pull all the white Volkswagen Golf you'll get them eventually yeah I like how I didn't name my dealer but just gave away

but just tell his reg his address and em fuck it I'm on tour from the 10th of October come and see me on tour alright mate

we've all got things on Newcastle keep selling it Newcastle aye dead proud getting a little bit of civic pride

from my hometown there's other places that need to catch up Sunderland I'm not doing a gig in Sunderland come on they can fucking drive

can they I mean they have to fly they have to fly from Newcastle to get to Spain. They can get to me gig. So, I had a little whinge about Bath

on the last podcast and I sold another few tickets. So, that's getting there. But that was the one, that was the one, you know, when there's just a,

did you ever check numbers when you were touring? Because we used to get there on the day and then send you the number and like, either be like, oh God, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Yeah. Not on the first one. I've been actually keeping tabs on them like once a week. Yeah. Once a week. Not since, oh,

with the American tour, they would send stuff through just in terms of like letting us know, but that they were sending that through so we could gauge how much merch we need. You could always tell when Marley and I was asking you to do like

something on socials for that specific gig and you're like, oh God, so this is going to be rough. And then you get it and it's fine. So yeah, I've been keeping an eye on the numbers. There's still tickets available for everything, but Newcastle, which sells out straight away and I put new ones on.

So there's currently a new one, but that may be sold out by the time this goes out. But I'll try and put another new one on again. I'll just keep doing it until it slows down, you know. But there's tickets available for everything at the minute go on my

website and find them and I think Glasgow's the nearest next one to being sold out there you go