Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Shark Narc (Ft. Elliot & Mark Steel)

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

Elliot's father and esteemed legend of comedy Mark Steel joins the podcast as he's thrust into continuing a story he'd started off air about an incident with a cottage pie. We get to hear all of the problems Elliot had at school and found out exactly how he came to be the way he is, and not a member of the SAS.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? All right, here we go. Go on, we're about to hear the most amazing story ever.

Go on. Someone made a cottage pie. Mark, you're obviously enlightening us. Well, it wasn't a story that I was intending to tell on a podcast. No, but it was a story. He's got to do a nine-hour drive. A nine-hour drive, Mark. We've set up the podcast, but you're about to tell us the worst story ever.

So go on. This is the introduction of the podcast. Welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the Road. I've got Mark Steele and Elliot Steele. First of all, gentlemen, thank you. Thank you for welcoming me into your home. I'm doing an intro, Mark. I'm doing an intro.

No one's going to get a word. I've interrupted the interruption. Go on, then. Go on. Thank you for welcoming me into your home. Thank you. Speaking to the mic for fuck's sake. Shut up.

I've done that to a fucking broadcast sake this podcast is going to be a little bit different folks we've got a family on we're going to settle some feuds um yeah thanks for letting me turn your kitchen into a studio and thanks for joining me on the podcast but you were about to tell an amazing story about a cottage pie that i'm sure our listeners would love to hear you started telling the story and we were sorry this last night you give

you do this with stories you give five minutes of unnecessary detail that doesn't need to be there the story started with I was on a beach then someone texted me

to come over then they made a cottage pie then we played a game I think that's mean though that's the colour of a story isn't it the colour of the story is the little bit

yeah alright so Elliot still tells the story of the Second World War. Bloke gets angry, invades Poland, everybody tells him to fuck off, he bombs Japan, America joins in, the end. That's it. I think the compromised gentleman would be somewhere in the middle.

Firstly, how dare you say that this story was as interesting as World War II? Well, you don't know, do you? Because you've not heard it. Finish the story. So, right, he makes the cottage pie. Bloke comes round, knocks on the door and says, yeah, I'm hungry.

And he has a bit of the cottage pie. It turns out it was actually Himmler who escaped from Hitler's bunker. And anyway. What's the actual end to the story? The story is that I chased him all the way to Argentina to where he's been living. What's the actual end to the story? I'm not telling you.

I prefer this World War II Hot Pot story. Hot Pot was it. It's how it's moved from Hot Pot. I'm not telling you. It wasn't Hot Pot was it it's a move from Hot Pot I'm not telling you it wasn't a story intended to be on a podcast you know

it's like it's like if Tom Cruise is telling a story about someone he met up the bakers you wouldn't then expect to sell

the same story on the Graham Norton show would you you hit record and the later on and you're like oh this story's just small talk isn't it?

I'm selling my small talk to strangers now. Tom Cruise, if he walks onto the set of the Graham Norton show just as they're about to record the Graham Norton show and goes,

oh, let me tell you what happened to me the other day and everyone was like, everyone was like, well, actually Tom,

we were about to start the thing before, everyone's here like set up and got everything going and then you just stand and go, oh, by the way, everyone's everyone's here like set up and got everything going and then you just stand there going

oh by the way here's something I want to know about the bacon so Mark yeah this is what I'm going to propose right you say it's

not a podcast worthy story but we've click baited them now there's a hot pot story that was about to be told before we hit record

and now we've teased them with it and you're a remarkable storyteller I reckon you go for it and and don't let Elliot interrupt. Just tell us the story about the cottage pie. From the top. Well, it's not a very cheery story, so you know when you're sort of,

right, if you've ever been round at someone's house, and there's a family, and you're the only person there who isn't part of the family? Yeah, I've been there before, yes. No, but there isn't just, you're not allowed to interrupt. You're not just with two people from the family. you're not just with two people from the family you're with maybe uh with a couple and with an assortment of son all the sons and daughters that have come from various incognito couples there's maybe seven people there eight people eight people there of which i was the only one who wasn't part of the actual family but they're all lovely and i'll get on with all you just feel

like the delivery guy at that point yes a little bit and then it's decided that there's going to be a game a sort of a game the details of which don't matter but it involved writing five famous people on a bit of paper and heads up a hat all of that sort of thing and then you have to tell describe the person in three words to other people in your team or something like that. And one of the people who was one of the older generation there, I thought very much like with my famous people, don't put people that are famous to you from 1973. Don't put Huey Green because all the young people there won't know who that is so I thought oh is it that you know everyone will know but this other person didn't and they put a series of people that you would not know unless you were at least 45 and most of the people there weren't 45 and the family started arguing

and he dug his heels in and they start and then you know when it gets to a point where you think oh this is this still

funny yeah is this what they're always like and then yeah and then one or two people are going

why don't you just shut it why don't you just shut up right just shut up and just get on with the game

and then you think right well, well, at this point, can the older person go, okay, maybe, but instead he digs his heels in more. Why are you always like this? I'm always like this. And it was absolute pandemonium. And you're not sure whether or not the best thing to do is to go, I'm going to just, I'm go actually i'm gonna well it was later

than i think but you sort of think that might make it worse how did you end up with this family party anyway mark because there was a cottage pie there when the cottage pie was going to come into this so you got baited in where you're walking past and you just like drifted off your feet like one of the looney tunes cartoons where the skunk follows the scent of the pie and he's letting this family home by cottage pie it was cooling down

on the windowsill yeah yeah is this the same family that one time you went round they asked you over for a drink and then someone

turned up and started saying Hitler was right for killing all the Jews no you don't go back to that party you would never have went back for a game of heads up

well he fucking did he's gone back Jewish man loves a cottage pie fool me once that was a different person but yes it was at the same

house yes was he like trying to do a bit like oh he was right but he went after the wrong people it should have been

Ned and Chavs no he was he was no it's just very towards about six foot nine sort of Australian guy oh well there you go

and yeah I think I know who it is yeah you mentioned oh god this is going out this is going to finish me right Zoe

this is it's going to end up in Pascal's book just just on that you know I gigged with her a while ago right oh yeah me too

but I just managed to not have a conversation we like I was in the group and everyone's like yeah what did you do and I was like I'll tell you what I did

got a lovely photo with her from the comedy store in a green room that's gone out and looked like there's no problem whatsoever she was perfectly lovely yeah of course it was me keyboard warrior with a book room that's gone out and looked like there's no problem whatsoever. She was perfectly lovely.

Keyboard warrior with a book. Steve Hughes was at the party. It wasn't anyone known to the comedy world. It's a big tall bloke who lives near here. Yeah, and I talked to him too very often. He's super nice. And then he

just went, we were talking about something that had happened in Israel Israel it was pretty horrible what had they done well one or two things

you know you wouldn't that you would hope if you went round to someone's party you would hope that they didn't do this in the middle of the

I went round for a cottage pie and they second cottage pie story they ended up bombing a hospital saying they had to because there was someone living underneath it uh no there was and then he said it makes you think you know the jews they always do these things i don't know why they were so hated by the germans and there must have

been a reason for it and i i went mate mate, no, you can't have that. And then he went, I'm just being devil's advocate. Devil's advocate? About fucking justifying a holocaust? About the holocaust? You're devil's advocate? No, no, I hate that was devil's advocate. Like that's what I was taking, man.

They needed a devil's advocate. They needed a devil's advocate. They needed a devil's advocate in the final solution to go, what if we don't do this? That's where devil's advocate should have been. And go, wait, we're doing what? Nah. Question this, bro. Yeah.

But that's the same house. So which of these people, the family that feuded, the Australian anti-Semite, which had the best hotpot? I don't know why I keep saying hotpot instead of country pie. What was the more awkward one, the family argument or the Holocaust denial? Because I think the family argument would be more awkward. Well, the Holocaust denial... It is more awkward.

It is the Holocaust denial. You can just tell him to fuck off. It wasn't a Holocaust denial. He was a Holocaust defender. Okay, right. So you can tell him to fuck off. You can tell him your figure is fundamentally wrong and that we'll morally disagree, and it's not uncomfortable to say that exactly whereas

like you have to tiptoe on eggshells around the family feud about heads up that's absolutely it quite in a nutshell yeah it was it but it's but they're not you know they're all i don't dislike any of them they're brilliant and i've been but they you know a family feud is not a thing to when you're the one when you're the one person there that isn't part of the family and you're sort of we just need to watch

the first three minutes of this podcast I think that game is designed though for family feuds I remember playing that with a group of friends

and just falling out with Natalie because she couldn't guess Mike Tyson and I was like box eye was in the hangover tattoo on his face

and I ended up just going one of the most famous people in the world just start naming the most famous people in the hangover tattoo on his face like uh and i ended up just going like one of the most famous people in the world just say just start naming the most famous people in the world and you'll get there i was there i was there for it who's the villain in teenage mutant ninja turtles splinter no no shredder shredder shredder right and they pulled a face so good like it was like we were like on, is their group cheating? And Kirsty pulled a face, and Natalie then said it. And we went, how the fuck did you get that niche reference? That is because the way the game's played properly is you describe deeply the names that you're talking about.

So when somebody out of touch puts a 1940s reference in, right, and the young people don't know who it is, they hear you describe it to somebody else and then click on that that description goes with that name and if like if the shredder ones like he's got a mask on his face right he's got he's got a mask on his face he fights against the turtles right and then later on kirsty's never watched the turtles in her life but she goes mask on her face and looks at natalie and they're like oh that sounds like the shredder guy that was being described before so you pick it up so the names come up before yeah so you have to do one a description one a mime yeah one one in description one in one word and then one in mime so by the third round everybody knows the names of all the people

even the ones that they didn't know so you know the youtuber even though you're 76 yes yeah but that's not what happened on this one because we were doing mime and that happened and we were like get absolute and it caught but yeah I was there for the Mike Tyson incident which to be fair you were in the wrong one

like your poor wife she was like she was six glasses of wine deep she couldn't really give a fuck about the game anymore and you were just going one of the most famous people

in the world say it just say famous people and she's there she's there like a bubble Jesus she's there

Genghis Khan no no but I had went through a bit off of Vanderfield Vanderhollyfield's ear yeah but she's not gonna know that

like Mike Tyson is it Mike Tyson's just saying anything other than he's black yeah I want a sign of a friend I think bit off to ask Mike Tyson is, Mike Tyson's are, just saying anything other than he's black. Yeah.

Why didn't you just say that? I think, bit of my, to us, because we follow sport all the time, bit of my, bit of Evander Holofid's here is, is so obvious.

Yeah, yeah, that's in the public's eye guys, isn't it? Yeah, it's in the public's eye guys, but not, not to, not to like Natalie.

It's like, it's like the same way if like, you know, someone who's like 21 or 22 would like to like a,ts like a k-pop band or something that's really popular oh yeah like or if someone was to go on about uh like if someone was to say to my dad ksi yeah it's it i'm aware that that person exists i couldn't tell you what he looks like i couldn't describe him in a game of heads up yeah you know you know, it's so very few, but like to some people it's just not.

And that's where you're like, how the fuck do you not know this? Yeah, I think I'd be playing that game like something about prime drink. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting because now that would be much more the case than say 40, 50 years ago,

because 40, 50 years ago, if someone was on the telly, even if you weren't particularly interested. Everybody knows who Jasper Carrot is. Everybody knows, exactly. Everyone knew who Jasper Coward is. Everybody knows, exactly. Everyone knew who Jasper Coward is. And now, so with comedy, there will be, there are comics

who can fill the alb-all who we won't have heard of because they'll be the niche, they'll be the canoeing comic. And all the canoeists, everyone who's got a canoe goes to see this famous canoeing. Yeah, there's subculture.

There's subcultures that are massive. Like I'd say D&D is a subculture the subcultures that are massive like I'd say D&D is a subculture but that's fucking huge oh dude when I went to see Danny

oh my god at Wembley do you know Critical Role yeah so I went to see Critical Role I'll tell you about this the D&D people

it was amazing you look a bit like confused at what D&D is you know what D&D is Dungeons and Dragons it's a story it's a storytelling game it's like D&D is Dungeons and Dragons it's a storytelling

game it's like yeah I know what Dungeons and Dragons is D&D you build a story as a team

and you suggest what the story is going to be like and then you roll dice to see if it goes your way or not and then the

dungeon master tells the story in that direction gets you into trouble and then you try to roll your way out

of it with storytelling and dice it's a lot of fun and you can immerse yourself in it as much as you want you can get fully into character you can just it with storytelling and dice it's a lot of fun and you can immerse yourself in it as much as you want you can get fully

into character you can just talk through what's happening it's a fun game and it's great to play with comics because they're creative people

the critical role they sold out I think they sold out Wembley in like 14 minutes or something but they're voice actors they're really good voice actors as well

they're very good and they really get into the character but they'll be funny but they'll also be very sincere when they're playing the character so you do watch it it was four and a half hours long it was fucking ridiculous i left before the end uh and that would have been like part of a massive campaign that would have been like episode 20 or

50 or something yeah yeah they're huge and uh i got like i got a bit stoned while i was there and i was walking because at first like you turn up to wembley it's really funny everyone comes dressed as their characters as people walking around as orcs and stuff you're like what fucking losers and then you go hold on a sec this is the exact same

as a 40 year old dude turning up with Harland on the back of his shirt this is the exact I was like it's exactly the same as being in a football dish it's just nicer

they were just well behaved there was no problems it was a lot nicer there was no hooliganism no hooliganism you didn't have the wizards fighting against the warlocks in the car park afterwards.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taking the warlock in. No one going viral because they sung an offensive song about the great warlock disaster. It was like

everyone was just, no one using tragedy as a fucking, as like, do you know what I mean? It was just lovely people getting on with each other the police weren't

kettling all the wrongs down one street holding all the warriors in the stadium until everybody else had cleared out somebody somebody throwing

somebody throwing like an apple at an elf because that's what they're known for that was their racism yeah that was their that was their lifetime ban an apple at an elf because that's what they're known for. That was their racism. One of the elves rolled out a natural one

and got a load of DMs the next day. DM was such a difficult acronym to use in that situation because it means direct message and dungeon master.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, you're a nightmare to a world I don't i can semi-play i'd still have to like sometimes there's a rules told to me one guy it's a lot of fun we played it during lockdown over zoom and uh it was really fun and then if we'd filmed that if we'd filmed that would have gone viral and then that yeah it was a it was a good time and the the restrictions lightened and there was this board game shop in East London that reopened and the people

me, you, Tom and Daniel who had been playing on Zoom went to do the final part of this campaign in a comic book shop or whatever it was board game shop

played for about three, four hours didn't we and there was people in there like not everybody in there was playing games a lot of people

were just using it for the internet hotspot and using it as a cafe to get their work done and get out of the house to get their work done and shit. And we were just fucking like making a scene. Yeah. We were like screaming, we were like celebrating some stuff like goals had won.

We never worked well as a team. There was bits where we were like stood up, like holding our hair because we didn't know what was going to happen. Like we got really suspenseful with it. I was, I think I was the, what is it? Tom got downed by, he used his final thing to revive

me because i was close to the medusa and then i i had like one final shot if i fucked this shot up it was her turn again and you were on like no health i was on no health would have all been dead and then i managed i threw the dice hit and like i hit like quite a bit and you have to wait to find out if you've done enough and then she died and we were fucking mental. I felt like there's people near where I invested in the game at that point because they've like eavesdropped a lot of it.

Yeah, it's a game you move it. So that, your equivalent of like you needed to chip it in off the green. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was as well because you have so much time

like invested in it and stuff. I was trying to tell Lottie about it one time. It's hard to explain to people that don't care. Yeah, but not just that. She's like, do you do voices? And I'm like, well, sometimes there's some voices. Kerry Marks is good with the voices. He would do voices.

She's like, how do you like, how have I seen you like some guy trying to like start on her and I'll shoot one time and I went to deal with it and she's like how do you do that

and that I'm like the crossover you find everyone I was talking to Paul Craig one time you know he was about to fight at Madison Square Garden

against Bo Nickel I was doing a show with him I was chatting to him right big UFC fighter he's really good he's ranked like ninth in his division he's a really good fighter and I was chatting to him about a big UFC fighter but he's really good he's ranked like ninth

in his division he's a really good fighter and I was talking to him about D&D and like he lives in Glasgow he was like I'd love to come over to the Schlosses one time

and play D&D oh yeah he was into that yeah well people do I bet you know probably Rocky Marciano or something probably had a rubber duck

in his bar well Henry Carville loves Warhammer 40K, which I've been learning the lore of. I'm never going to play it because it's just too much time. But you know what? Mike Tyson. Who?

I've never heard of him. Mike Tyson probably had a lovely, he probably had a nice collection of butterflies and then another collection of ears. Oh, yeah. He collects pigeons. Very south of the land he collects pigeons

he has a pigeon farm oh does he yeah I watch his podcast he farms pigeons yeah he just loves pigeons and stuff I guess a lot a lot of allotments

around like Blythe and Ashton and that have like pigeons and shit they used to race them I don't know if they do anymore but they used to race pigeons a lot yeah yeah

that was a thing wasn't it but that's the thing you know when you're like we were talking about earlier today about some people just dismiss a thing that they're not into like football or the thing, you know, when you're like, we were talking about earlier today about some people just dismiss a thing that they're not into

like football, ding and ding. They've just made a blanket decision. But the thing is like, you're not letting yourself enjoy that, but you can't deny

that people are enjoying that. People do it because it's good. Now, you've hit on a thing here. This makes me so cross. This is when someone says that is boring.

Cricket, sewing. Why do you follow that? That is boring. I thought knitting was boring and then I gave it a go and I'm fucking fascinated by knitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fucking class. So, because if you say that is boring rather than I don't get that or that isn't my cup of tea. I don't understand it. I don't understand it. Because that's putting it on yourself rather than the thing.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, fishing to me, I don't think it will ever be a thing i'm gonna be particularly interested in but i can see why people would be but if you say fishing is boring you're making yourself god deciding what is it and also then you're you're determining that everybody who follows this thing is an idiot yeah they've been fooled and they're pretending

they're like I think those people whisky's disgusting whisky's disgusting yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly so

you're all wrong and I I cannot I think they need to be punished yeah that's pretty much Daniel's role on this podcast

yeah when he's on the podcast. They should be punished. No, no, it's just like writing something off because he doesn't like it. But then again, he does change his tune over time. Well, he tapped out of football, didn't he? Yeah.

He was there, but we're saying this. He was never really into it. I think it's hard to be fully invested in football if the team doesn't have an actual connection to you. Like, he's Scottish and supports Chelsea. And then if Chelsea start doing bad, like why does he have to hang around? It's like he chose a team when he was nine.

Whereas like I've like got a feeling for Newcastle. It's like intertwining you guys with Crystal Palace. It's intertwining who you are. I backed off my love of Crystal. With football, it was after England lost to Italy in the final. I went, I can't let this dictate my happiness anymore

like even during the Euros when we were losing to Slovakia and before Bellingham scored the overhead kick I went to you in the group

I went this is funny like objectively this is hilarious it's annoying that it's happening to me but I can't

not I'm not going to let this wind me up this has to be funny and I now have that with Crystal Palace where I'm like I can't not I'm not going to let this wind me up this has to be funny and I now have that with Crystal Palace where I'm like I don't let football

dictate my mood anymore so when we lost to Spain in the final this time I went with my mates and we just went and got a couple of cocktails after and we had a really nice night

and I just saw it as a nice night out yeah there's a lot more surrounding football than just your own team's success the way I started enjoying

because obviously Newcastle went through a rough patch for about 14 years and that was really hard for me because I couldn't get my head

I only wanted to watch the Newcastle games I didn't care about anything else and the Newcastle games were shit it was like

fucking good going to the stadium was like the day I chose at times during that time right that's when you're

an actual fan that's what being a football fan is when you went to the third division. No, no, that would have been before my time if we were anything lower than what is now the championship. We went to the championship twice in my lifetime

and we got promoted back up straight away. And I know that's a privileged position considering a lot of clubs spend years and years without getting in the Prem. So I do check my privilege on that shit. But it was tough to watch when your expectations are the entertainers right

that's when I come up football sentient was like fucking Keegan's like Andy Koshira like that sort of generation and then you expect

that to be the rest of your life and it's not and the way I started enjoying football is I just zoomed out a step and started enjoying

the league and just enjoyed the actual league itself and just like the story of like everything that's happening instead of just of course that's the main focus is Newcastle but i can still enjoy football without my team's

success yeah it's about that like the immediate dismissal of a thing but there are things that are intrinsically boring i will always say watching jujitsu is the most boring fucking thing in the world that's as a practitioner yeah like jujitsu is an incredibly like I wouldn't say it was boring when I watched you But that's because it that's because you knew someone who was doing it if you went to watch jujitsu It's in like it falls down as a sport why it will never get massive It is because I can stick on the UFC or I can stick on boxing in front of a girl or group of people who aren't into it. And they can immediately get invested because it is very simple to understand.

That person needs to knock that person out. That person. You can very quickly tell who's doing well, who's doing badly. And then suddenly it can switch at any moment. So that's exciting. Jiu-jitsu can be three minutes of fighting for hand position on the floor. That is not exciting that's why i can see that and i've got the great thing i always say this about the marvelous thing

about sport and indeed come back to the thing of people who dismiss sport or this particular sport it's not the ball it's not the whatever the thing it's the human beings if you had two robots who could play snooker that would not be that would be i suppose mildly interesting but when you've got a snooge yeah we'll have a novelty value for sure yeah but it's the tension and it's ronnie o'sullivan and it's oh well i hate snooker i'm giving it up and all that and and you've got someone else who's maybe really really sort of diligent and in a different sort of personality and the tension gets through and. And boxing obviously is all about, is so much about,

about that and what's in the head. But with jujitsu, when I've come to the tournaments, it's the whole paraphernalia of it. I find fascinating to think this is jujitsu, not the most popular sport in Britain. And the immense amount of effort that's gone in to create in the jujitsu, not the most popular sport in Britain. And the immense amount of effort that's gone in to create a jujitsu tournament in one area. And there's like 200 competitors and 40 referees.

And they've all had to bring boards with electronic scoreboards and mats and stuff for the coffees. And people are taking the notes and someone's had to get the trophies. And it's just this, I find it incredibly moving. So much effort. None of them are getting paid or they might be getting their expenses. I don't know.

And then people have dismissed it as like, oh, it's just an excuse for men to cuddle each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, which it also is that. It's a fucking gay sport. Let's not be around a bush.

But then it's, but as well, it's like, it's why like you usually find the higher up you're going to do it to the more it comes very Dungeons and Dragons it's exactly the same as Dungeons and Dragons like because you'll find like there's a very intricate guard play that like someone goes like I play like a reverse then a heaver into that to go to a single leg x then I'm going to full sweep and go for and it comes exactly like this terminology you're talking about which spells you're going to cast yeah yeah and it's animate the corpse so that you can get

knowledge from it yeah and it's it gets incredibly like that the higher up you go like you will go into a gym and you will just see the most mild-mannered nerdy guy who is fucking wicked on the mat because he understands how to learn and patterns was i was going to say do you know but in regards to sport what people i think i would have publicly whipped and walked naked through the streets keep politics out of sport people uh do you they there is nobody who doesn't understand sport less than those people because the whole point of sport is it's political. Celtic Rangers is the only, that's not about football.

That's about the immense amount of politics involved in it. The reason Muhammad Ali is such, look, there have been better boxers than Muhammad Ali, but the political, this is what it pains me to say, Floyd Mayweather is a better boxer than Muhammad Ali

right he is yeah people don't like hearing that they don't want to hear that he is he's not as liked we don't talk about it it's the first time it's ever been mentioned

in what we should have he's not as liked he's not as loved why? because of the politics of Muhammad Ali so when someone likes takes a knee in football

and someone doesn't want to have a conversation about racing, they go, well, I just think politics shouldn't be in sport. The entire point of sport

is it's tribalistic. We're meant to be getting political about this. Your political affiliation in your football team is a huge thing in Europe. If you are a Lazio fan, you are probably

quite right wing. If you are a Roma fan, you are probably slightly less right wing. It's a huge, what are you, less right wing like it it's a huge what are you you're going to tell African Cup of Nations

you're going to get to say when Ghana versus Nigeria hey guys keep politics out of this it's a whole fucking the Euros

it's just ethno-nationalism with a little bit of football being played in between and I think I think that's absolutely right and in a in a million,

I mean, I would say it's not just politics. Serbia, Albania. Could you imagine that game? Like, are you going to say, hey guys, keep the fall of Yugoslavia out of this? Yeah. And also, yeah, it's not just nationalism. It's every other,

like Ronnie O'Sullivan, for example, he represents a certain disdain for authority. He's obviously always been personally very political. He was a Corbyn supporter and so on. And that represents a certain... Tiger Woods becoming probably the second greatest golfer of all time as a black man in a sport that routinely barred black people from,

uh, from playing on, including, including one of the play, one of the, uh, courses. So sport has been a majors on that's,

it's been a platform for social breakthroughs historically over the years. Well, Jesse, Jesse Irons winning, uh, and then as soon as people say, as soon as people start saying new social breakthroughs happening they're like no no no no legs to keep politics out of sports there was some there was some cunt in cologne with us on an england flag stop the boats right which like look if we i i hate that we have to do this but

like if we're going to take the knee that prick as much i disagree with him he's allowed to have that on his thing i disagree with it but he's allowed to have that on his thing. I disagree with it, but he's allowed to have it, yeah. But he's the type of person that's saying keep politics out of football and he's got stop reports on his flag. People have found tweets of his

going keep politics out of football and now it's like, well go fuck, no, no, no. Keep your fucking, you don't get a, you don't get a doozle and it's the exact same as people. They'll say keep politics out of football

and then complain about the price of a paint. Yeah. Which that'll be like to do with tax levies and shit. Even at a subtler level, like the England football team under Southgate that started doing better, one of the reasons it started doing better was that Southgate, and also I think the FA allowed them to do this,

understood that the old ways of thinking of the England team, that we were just going to win naturally because we were England and all that sort of thing, but it was all the hostility between different players because they were from different clubs. Yeah, there was a big division in the past, wasn't there? The media focus on wives and girlfriends yes that the racism

that would have been there that when black players raised racism that would have been dismissed racism in the news about like if Harry Kane buys a car for his mother he's a golden boy if Raheem Sterling did it if Raheem Sterling did it he was flashing the cash and Southgate was aware

of that and that was a big part of him that was a big part of his that's why the players always defended him weren't they

so he put out the statement in support of Black Lives Matter he allowed people like Mings and so on to make those statements that were very

explicit condemning races that before they would have said no don't do that they said in advance um before the early match we're not going to go to number 10 when boris johnson's in the uh is the prime minister and so on applauded rashford and all of his social activities yeah all of that that was a

huge huge thing and similarly with the cricket the uh the brendan mccullum ben stokes era that's an era in which they've gone look look, we don't encourage players if we're just screaming at them, yelling at them, dropping them if they make one mistake and so on. We're going to have this sort of extreme positivity. We're going to back people if they... And it's been a whole different way of playing,

a whole different way of... Moeen Ali and so on, they didn't do all the champagne thing. What was that one? Because Moeen Ali's a Muslim and he wouldn't want to be. Oh yeah, okay,

yeah. So all of that way of thinking. I never got a Spurlian Muslim friend with booze, like that's just rude. No cricket, if you did that 40 years ago, if you mentioned, oh,

he doesn't want to have, they'd have just said, well, if he doesn't like it, he can bloody well get back, you know. So, it's integral, it's part of sport social attitudes and so on you can't it not only is it part of it it drives it like you're saying about alley well

i just find it like you know there's this again we're sorry like you are allowed to put i can't stop you putting stop the boats on an England flag, but you're exactly the kind of, firstly, like. Yeah, you'll get people that are sinking politics out of football and then kick off if somebody doesn't wear a poppy. Oh,

yeah. It's the hypocrisy of it more than anything. It's like the fucking, no, they're like, oh, I want my politics and football and that's all. I want football to be singing from my hymn sheet we were talking about this

the other day right you see people get so angry over the poppy stuff why haven't you fought in the army if you love it so much you're fucking coward yeah like you you're the what do you want about if you yeah but you're the one you're the one screaming at people you go you go join the army you can respect the troops as if you are one why are you screaming at me there's no thing

that I have to respect the troops what am I respecting them for for defending my freedom from bombing a Yemeni wedding like why am I what am I respecting oh thank you for that

thank you I might have been invited to a wedding once but now I'm not going to because you've blown them all to smithereens so that's great cheers I been invited to a wedding once, but now I'm not going to because you've blown them all to smithereens. So that's great. Cheers.

I don't have to go to that now. So I'm going to wear a flower for your mate who got blown up in the country that we shouldn't have been in. What the fuck am I wearing? Why is that on me? Why is that my issue?

And when you say that to the person, do they, does that win them round? Look, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I? Look, I... You wouldn't dare? He's a coward?

No, I would say... Sopit's listening to you right now. He's going to rip your fucking head off. Ha-ha, Sopit. Ha-ha. No. Do you know how I avoided PTSD? I didn't go out in a war zone. That was my way of getting out of it.

You would have been terrible in a war zone. Really? I'd have been fucking classed. You would have been too fucking clumsy. You would have been terrible in a war zone. Really? I'd have been fucking classed. You would have been too fucking clumsy. You would have thrown the pin and kept the grenade. They'd have been at the night evening, people would be screaming and stuff. You've got to go get the medicare.

And I'd go, that's not all the way over there, you know. No, man, it'll be all right. Come on. I'd do a shortcut. I would be such a coward in a war. There's a newsreader who, I won't say his name,

but it's a newsreader who used to do the Today programme. Not Hugh Edwards, no, no. Hugh Edwards definitely would not have done this. And I was on the Today programme once and there was a soldier that was being interviewed on the phone. And this soldier had PTSD. And he said, you have to be careful a bit with me because I've got PTSD from an incident that happened in Afghanistan or something. And this newsreader did this little interview with him.

I remember that. Well, exactly. on or something and this newsreader did this little interview with him well exactly so then when there was a sort of little break for the weather or something I said I reckon you were fighting the temptation there all through that interview to suddenly go on the other hand one thing I would like BOOM

and I thought is that a really terrible thing to say to this really earnest sort of and he went oh if only I had have done if only I had have done that a really terrible thing to say to this really earnest sort of... And they went, oh, if only I had have done. If only I had have done. That would have been hilarious. And I thought, oh, that's... The fucking squad, he would have loved that because they've got the sickest sense of humour.

They'd fucking love that shit, man. Imagine the trouble you'd get in, though, with us now. We've got this post-traumatic stress disorder. And one thing I should ask you, and which regiment would... Imagine the shit you would get in for that but yeah you're right this is what he'd love once they recovered yeah but isn't it with like a popper as well it's like if you wear it i get it it's a mark of respect right but something's no longer a mark of respect if you force everyone to wear it it's an enforced thing so that means the people who are wearing it have to wear it because you don't want to get yelled at

so then you can't tell who's wearing it because they're genuinely like look i think well no one is forced to wear it can i remind you something that really this really uh and it's really upsetting actually but do you know if you remember this is it a fight going to school about it no i don't know i don't know about that Tell us about that in a minute. You were about, I wonder what, age six maybe, and you'd bought a poppy, I think, in a shopping centre or something like that. And I said, like, classic liberal earnest dad,

I went, oh, right, you know, good that you bought a poppy or something like that but that and then I went through the reasons why I don't get a poppy and that it's sort of a that they that it's part of that poppies of main as part of the Hague Foundation and Hague was that one of the generals in the First World War it was responsible for I don't know and then you just started crying and I thought oh fuck you just let him upset you so instead of

letting him disrespect the troops I felt such a sweat do you remember that no I was but my thing with it is I'd get I'd get

up off because I think like the people who I sent to war to die and the people who I think my granddad

was in the RAF my friends have been to war I like fucking respecting the troops when the RAF my friends have been at war like I like fucking respecting the troops when the tape comes around

you don't have to agree with the fucking politics of all of the wars to just go those motherfuckers put their lives on the line for us

I just find it hypocritical when like you're gonna go see you know as answers day comes around you're gonna go see

people like who are politicians and stuff laying a reef and it's like you're the fucking cunts who send people are politicians and stuff wearing a poppy laying a wreath and it's like you're the fucking cunts who send people a war

like this is so as I got a bit older I was like oh I'm I'm happy to wear the poppy because some guy who's

gone over it's the Tories going to clap for the NHS while fucking underfunding them yeah yeah yeah it's exactly that the reason we're clapping

and the reason they're fucking like on the front lane right now is because they you've got us in this mess I don't have this thing and also there's

like a thing as I get older I kind of look at like England flags and I like wearing an England flag during the football and stuff

like that but there's an aggressive part of it that makes me step backwards so where's your puppy and those are

the people that I always think why don't you why if you're so into this you should have been in the army. Did you ever try to go, I tried this saying up for the RAF. Did you ever, was that even on your, was that even on your radar? I used to be obsessed with the SAS and like fitness and running and stuff. Like when I was like 16 and I wanted to like,

I reckon if I had a year of being unemployed, I'd have done it. Like if I, if I hadn't found staff. You wanted to be SS? No, I just loved the idea of like going over to Brecon Beacons and stuff like that. I find it fascinating. Like I was generally obsessive with it, but then like I started doing standup.

So I was like, I wasn't going to, I wasn't going to do it. Cause Maine was, that was the only thing holding me back from joining the SS. That was the only thing. You don't simply join the SS. The most elite group in the world.

You'll be very pleased to know that stand-up didn't really work out, so I'm going to come and join your elite regiment. So if you can just sort of let us know where it is that we're going to be. Where am I going to be sleeping? You're going to be parachuting me into. A man who turned up late to Muay Thai.

I turned up late to Muay Thai yesterday to get out of doing the plank I wanted to be I think it was like weapons loadmaster or something I wanted to be like

some engineer and like level of like RAF like working I wanted to work on planes I was fascinated by planes that sounds like summoning the

Dungeons and Dragons again I does don't it but just with missiles instead of spells so I would I went into the RAF thing and they sent us for an eye test the Dungeons and Dragons again. It does do that, but just with missiles instead of spells. So I went into the RAF thing and they sent us for an eye test and I give them the eye test results

and they sent us the list of things that I could do and it was just a bunch of things crossed off and then like chef at the bottom of the list with a chick next to it. That's the sort of thing, why do people who are chefs in the army,

why do they get respect? What do you mean? why do I have to respect them the same way because they're feeding the fucking people that are

going to probably gone to the food in their tummies you know probably gone to the

province or something at the end of a gig you'll give a round of applause for the people at the barn I don't mean it

I don't mean it I think let me just make this clear I think what I've done is vastly superior. You just can't say that. You're not allowed to say that. You're at an event that revolves around you and people clap you when you're out going on stage.

I don't think they see you and the guy clap and it's just a little bit guy. It's not just me that's part of this operation. They poured your paints. They got you. Fair enough. I apologize. Give them some of that now. I apologise.

I apologise to all the military chefs out there. I'll be wearing a little stain on my shirt in honour of you. A little bean spit on my shirt. On an apron in honour of you. No, I got... Oh, this is quite a bad story. I got in a...

Do you remember there was a guy at my school, Mr Jones, who used to run centre, who was in the army? I was running centre. So if you got in school exclusion. So my school wouldn Jones who used to run centre who was in the army I was running centre so if you got in school exclusion so my school wouldn't exclude you you had to go into school

the person that was in charge of detention yeah you'd go in mine was Ross Noble's mum I would be in detention with Mrs Noble yeah that was that was my

my head of year and she still comes to my shows she'll probably be one of the Newcastle ones she doesn't tell me she's coming but she's been there

every single show I've ever done oh that's brilliant that's a brilliant story I've never met Ross now ruin that so the centre was it was in school

you're going an hour after everyone else and you leave an hour later than everyone else so you don't get to see anyone like it's like it's kind of a weird punishment you were in there quite a lot

I was in there quite a lot in fact the number of times I had to go up that school I reckon I was in that school more than you were and there was this lad I had a poppy

on and this Afghan lad came up and like tried to rip it off us which like looking back on probably fair fuck

but I'm 50 so some lads come up and then me and him have just had this scrap we've just had like a fight

in the school and it's got separated imagine just the whole war just went well let's just decide and then me and him have just had this scrap we've just had like a fight in the school and it's got separated imagine they're just like just the whole war just went well let's just decide between these two champions

and we were like that's how the telly bang got back into it yeah yeah it was good they lost on my dime I wasn't able to

keep it my first and so I went into the centre like we've had this fight and the guy running it was called Mr Jones, he took us to this other room, and he was like,

right, what's all that about? And I told him, and he went, oh, yeah. He went, can I show you some photos? I went, yeah, yeah. And he brought out these photos of him in a ghillie suit with a sniper, and I'm, like, looking at it, and I'm, like, right. Child soldier?

No, no, no, he's, like, when he was fighting over in Kosovo and Yugoslavia. The kid you were fighting with? No, the teacher. Oh, the teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's nearly gone into a schoolyard scrap with a jailed sword. He was getting let off on Tuesday mornings from maths

so that he could go and fight in Kosovo. The fact he was fighting in Kosovo, this Afghani kid was just like a Sheik Havara at this point travelling the world getting into different fights he was in Ukraine at the time yeah he wasn't allowed to score on Tuesday because he had to protect a diamond mine

see I teach how it's ex-military not just ex-military like special forces so I went like oh well you're in the special forces and he just went oh they give it some silly name like that and then he never let on about anything else but he was just like

to me like he was like if someone does that again he was like yeah fuck them up he was like why did you let this man teach kids

no I'll tell you what he was put in a multicultural school I swear to God this guy no no no this guy was class this guy everyone everyone He was put in a multicultural school. This guy, no, no,

no. This guy was class. This guy, everyone, everyone, everyone loved him. Everyone loved him. Mr.

Jones, because he was, he was popular. He was just like, he would just go like, he just was one of those, if you went into a place and people had a fight, he'll come to you and go,

what was the fight about? And sometimes he'd be like, look, you've got, he's like, if you're going to fight, you've got to come in here and take the punishment. But yeah, don't let someone do that. Like he was, he was just like reasonable, but he never let you off.

Like he was totally fair. He was like, you've got to sit here and serve your punishment because we're a school and this is, there's got to be order. But yeah, this is the world. Like it's going to be like that sometimes and he was just always he was just always invested in what you were up to out of school like if you go into boxing or something he would like come with you to the boxing gym and like he was just one of those he cared for his peers he was like someone in the wire who like gave a fuck it's

funny how your perspective on teachers can shift as you get older as well because you look back at the ones that were like a bit more strict and disciplined are they you hated them when you're in school and you look back and go are they actually cared yeah they were actually trying to keep some form in the class and keep learning and then you get the teachers that would swear and you thought they were cool and you're going why is he showing off in front of children and then you get the ones that would like always come in like brill cream and fucking aftershave and you're like like the girls would fancy him and shit like that and you'd be like oh he's coming to school trying to pull yeah where the fuck was that guy it was uh but then there was the i remember going to the

um parents evening at your school and oh miss jameson well i told you i told you it was meant when you wouldn't have it and then you met her and went oh yeah yeah all right well come on to miss jameson and you were married for three years. Exonerated in the thing. I got exonerated. You know when a kid's like, this teacher's like not, and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. And then you meet her and you go, oh, fuck. You lot have some strong unions, the fact that she's still working here.

Well, Miss Jameson is the one that threw out a kid in your class because he called another kid. He said I was referred to him as scarce and she threw him out as racist and then Elliot stuck up for the kid going it's not right is to say that someone scarce and then you got in trouble for that as well I got all right into the school and I called I said honest image James and I could see that it's not like Scousers and the Slayer by the way he was

saying what he was talking about was Liverpool were playing Cardiff

in at the time the League Cup final so he was going they're

playing the Scousers that's what he said it wasn't like you're pulling

into someone's car you must be Scouser it wasn't that it was Cardiff was's car you must be Scouse it wasn't that it was Cardiff

was playing Liverpool and he went Cardiff are playing the Scousers that was the thing it wasn't even like a cheap joke she just took it

as a slur she took it as a slur didn't understand wasn't prepared and then worse is not if you could imagine someone sort of

doing that and then going Kitchy Frow was black by the way she's told a black she's a white woman. So there was, there was times I had to come down to your side and then,

uh, and she was statistics, wasn't she? And then there was a period during Elliot's last year there where I went into the parents evening and these these two hated each other. They were sat there all... And she said, I don't like having him in my class. I really don't like having him in the class.

And I said, this is probably the only bit of diplomacy I've ever done in my life that works. I said, right, I might have a solution here. Elliot really hates being in your class. You really don't like Elliot being in your class why don't we just say Elliot doesn't come to your class anymore and she went yes great and then you went yes and then I said as a little joke she's a statistics teacher I said I think we can say that 100% of people in this little meeting are happy with that result and she went

well i don't think that's funny honestly she recoiled from that even though he's just like coming to a conclusion and agreed on something yeah oh yeah she was she was bad and then what did you do for that hour i just had an extra hour in bed did it yeah it was it was double it was it was a double period on monday and a single period on wednesday and then one time i had a my the football teacher of school was like well there's another pe class going on now where we just have like he's like we play football do you want to come and just like play footy so i just ended up on mondays going in and playing footy did you ever actually skype at any point oh yeah like tell your dad you're going to school school leave for school

and then not go me and my mate Harry had this thing on every Thursday we found this like hole in the fence we could get out and I wouldn't go

to my English class right but my mate yeah yeah yeah and I would just why do you think his English is so bad listen how you speak

and how he speaks which one skipped English but like I was that hole in the fence is responsible for all your grammatical inadequacies well

so my mate Harry was like known because he had this big red he was a big lad and he had like a big red jacket that he'd wear right

so everyone would joke about calling him Red Riding Hood whatever and one day he's like you'd have to go up like climb

stand on this fence like stand on a brick wall and there was a hole in the fence and it was like someone's house and you come out on their drive and you walk off and he lived like over the road from the school so we'd walk around the back ways go right he's climbing through the fence and the teacher just leant out the window and went oh bye then harry and he just kept going right and he turned around and went fuck you and just kept going i haven't gone through yet. She hasn't seen me.

I was like, I can't just leave him. I can't leave him. Like I can't just let my mate go. So I was like, but I can't go. So you put your mustache, nose and glasses on.

Even worse, I just walked out the front exit. Never got caught. So he got caught and given like a load of detention. I walked out the front exit and no one ever, no one was none the wiser.

Yeah. But there was a couple. At least you didn't snitch none the wiser yeah but there was a couple at least you didn't snitch on him no but there was there was a couple times where I'd like just but this was like

sort of year 10 and 11 and it's kind of where I realised like a thing that I still have authority now is if you just it was in year sorry it was in my

sixth form there was a class on Friday so the way my sixth form worked I'd go in for my double media session right but I lived like five Skype in sixth form is there was a class on Friday. So the way my sixth form worked, I'd go in for my double media session, right? But I lived like five...

Skyping sixth form is so ridiculous because it's fucking optional. It's voluntary. Well, so this is... It's like me skyping the night you've died not in. It's like leaving the tomato off your breakfast when you went to the buffet to collect your food. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I 100% agree with you, right? But this was the thing. So I had a double period in the morning. Then there was a double period of free time. So like our break was like two hours long. And then you had, but the final lesson wasn't a thing that I signed up for. It was like a thing where you check in in the week

and you go, we were 16 years old and you go in and you watch a video about learning to learn and the best way for you to, and I was like, this is the last thing on a Friday. I'm not sticking around school for an extra two hours to do this fucking 40 minute class.

Never went once like on the, from the first week to like 12 weeks in, like we've had like half term, we're like broke for Christmas. And in one week they just clocked that I'd never gone. And they were like, we, we,

you get these things called penalty points where if you get 15, you're permanently excluded. I was already on like nine and they were like, for each lesson you these things called penalty points, where if you get 15, you're permanently excluded. I was already on like nine. And they were like, for each lesson you skip, that's a penalty point. So they were like, it's permanent exclusion.

They were like, you're out of there. Cause I'd skipped. And I was going like, right. Cause I didn't go to this class that you, that I never signed up for. Like it wasn't,

it wasn't like a thing. It wasn't like, that's not what you want. And also, I went, just think about this logically logically or the other one was like um so say you were in for your first period say your first lesson was during uh after that double break i was talking about right they'd want you to go to registration then you'd go back home there'd be that break and then you're going for another lesson and i was like absolutely fucking not i'm not getting up early in the morning when i don't have to get up early in the morning like that's just stupid so i wouldn't go in and i'll be like well you are and i've worked

out because you're inconformant today i'd also worked out this other thing like if i just didn't go to form and say i went to my first double lesson of the day which was in the morning you only got a 15 minute detention but form was 20 minutes long so i was like well i'll get an extra 20 minutes in bed and then I'll just do a 15 minute detention at the end of the day. That's like, and it was a business and enterprise school. So I was like,

that's shrewd business. So then. I've gained five minutes. So I was like, but I get an extra bit of a lie in. You're an effective businessman because I'm getting more sleep. But then,

I turned up late to class like eating ice creams. I just, I just worked out you could do whatever the fuck you want. I'm hearing this. I still hear this for the stuff

for the first time that he was doing and you were like adjacent to it the whole time you were like there as he was coming in you don't know

you think you think you know what's going on and you whiskey I didn't know until years later that you'd stolen the whiskey

parents track their kids no you know they put like a fucking it must be hard to parent with kids on the phone yeah you can see where they are on the airtags

I was very proud yesterday just by the way so my granddaughter earlier niece she's three

and her favourite little character one of the great things about having a grandchild is you can bring back your old material oh nice so I've with Elliot and his sister One of the great things about having a grandchild is you can bring back your old material. Ah, nice. So, I've, er, with Elliot and his sister, they used to like this shark, right?

The shark used to come and eat everything. Give me all your, I'm going to eat your house. No, no, shark, don't eat my house. I'm hungry. Ah, this was only two weeks ago, stop doing it, I still love it. You're not going to come and eat it, did you enjoy that? Still, still, still still love it you're not going to come in did you enjoy that still now I'll get them come in

and do it before bed I'll take all your drugs because I'm hungry so she likes to shark and sometimes she'll go dad dad because we had a dad dad

is there a shark and they'll go out the room come back and go I'm hungry I've just eaten your your bedroom oh shark and then i was wanting to go up the co-op right so that's only about sort of three minutes walk you forgot to snub out a character the shark the shark's gone up the the co-op uh the race the shark's gone up up there so if we want to see the shark we'll have to go up there he's gone up there he's gone up the co-op race. The shark's gone up there. So if we want to see the shark, we'll have to go up there.

He's gone up there. He's eaten all the food. All right, then, so we go up the co-op. And then I go into one little aisle and come out. And I go, I have eaten all the sandwiches and the pizzas. But you mustn't tell anybody that you saw me. All right, then, shark. And then I went back and come back as me.

And I said, I can't find the shark have you seen him no you haven't seen the shark anywhere at all no and I thought my granddaughter's

not a snitch I was Elliot used to rat that shark out on the table he used to fucking knock knock on the tape he used to fucking knock knock on the

shark I was just going to say I was like the first you know I talk about phones and that

so I was like the first generation of like phones coming into school like that being like smartphones being in smartphones

I took a Nokia into sixth form for sure I mean like to the point of which, like, they didn't know how to deal with the problem of it. Like, it was like, in my school, they had a thing like, if we see your phone, we take it, your parent has to come in and get it.

But because it was like, which is, when you really think about it, it's a really stupid thing to do. Because people need phones now. And there was one, I was in sixth form, where you'd rang me, actually, and my phone went off and i turned it off i went oh sorry about that and put it away and the teacher went oh you gotta hand me the phone i went oh i'll hand you the phone for the rest of the lesson but like it's friday it's about to be the weekend my parents aren't going to come in and get the phone i'm

then without a phone for a weekend and i'm going out i went like say i needed a call my parents for say something happened like just logically it's better I have my phone and she was like well no you need to give it to me and I just went like yeah but you're not gonna get it I was like so let's drop this now because like we're just wasting everyone's time and so she went well I've got a code to call corridor support which is just oh you're is that just one of the nerdy kids? No, it's one of the teachers. Some teacher comes and I'm like, I was like, you can go get the president of the United States. I'm not handing over the phone.

Like, it's not happening. That would have been quite something. You're at the army, I'm at the school. You're in the fucking... But like, no one, you can't physically... That would be quite a call to the White House. I'm afraid I'm too busy at the moment, sir. So I was just, so it ended up,

it's like they kept going up a ladder. But it's the kid that won the war against Afghanistan. It's an important delegate. So it eventually ends up with me and like the head teachers of it. Because they sent me out a club They were doing all these things and I was good, but the whole time I know I still don't know I was logically I was great

I was going you're dragging me out of education now for a thing that you could just be reasonable one Like I know that going off like I was in the wrong this whole time. Nobody's learning The class is starting to disengage because she's now arguing with Elliot people people were going in the class I don't hand over the phone, like the kids in the class started coming on my side my mate Jacob got sent out my mate Jacob got sent out because he was there going like

right so we're meant to be doing something today and we're not because you can't back down on this like he came out like this is stupid, so he ended up with me in the head teacher's office, there's like 5 minutes that this has gone on like the whole period and he's gone like, look can stupid. So he ended up with me in the head teacher's office. There's like five minutes that this has gone on, like the whole period. And he's going like, look, can you just give me the phone?

You'll go back to class and then come back here and I'll give you the phone back. I was like, all right. So I gave him the phone and I came back five minutes later and he gave me this like lecture on like, you know, needing a respect authority and gave me the phone back and i was just like the whole time going like that was a risk on your part because that teacher would have been like psyched motherfucker that was the only possible outcome in the end but i i get what you're saying but like that's

where school i was glad i did school but i think there's a thing where it teaches you the thing with sometimes authority or something. You should question authority. You should question that. Like, uh, right. You know,

when a company has a rule in place, like, you know, when you get somewhere and they're like, Oh, we can't do that, sir.

And you go, why? Why? You can't, you can't be a nuisance enough to the point where you go, that's not a law.

That's not a thing. You're just trying to stop me. So it's like a cafe that goes, you can have bacon and egg, bacon and beans, but you can't have egg and beans because we don't do egg and beans. It's not on the menu, so we're not going to stop me so it's like a cafe that goes you can have bacon and egg, bacon and beans but you can't have egg and beans because we don't do egg and beans it's not on the menu so we're not going to do it so you have to

but you can so I remember two instances I remember from parents evening, one was the teacher who said that she told you off because uh you'd said i just don't think that you listen to us you remember this you just don't listen to us miss uh i feel that when when we say anything to you i might as well be saying it to those

flowers over there remember this and then a little bit later in the lesson she said elliot have you got anything to say and you went over and said it to the flowers yeah and the class all laughed and that made her angry and then another one and this one this guy actually told me this and he was quite nerdy geography teacher mr dolan mr dolan but i quite liked him and he said that what he said yes well he asked interesting questions and he seems to take an interest and he's been doing quite well and obviously there's room for improvement i said oh thank you very much mr dolan so there is just one incident i should mention mr still i said god what's that he said well we were doing a project

on britain's seaside towns and i asked the class if they had any particular seaside town that was their personal favourite and your son very quickly put his hand up and said Brighton and I said oh why Brighton and he said because Margaret Thatcher was nearly killed there laughter that's what he said in school

and he even announced the Crystal Palace as an arch nemesis for Reagan just so he could laugh the joke because I could not have said Sunderland And now it's still like Crystal Palace's arch nemesis, just so you could laugh the joke. Because I could not have said Sunderland. Even if Margaret Thatcher was actually killed in Sunderland, I couldn't have said Sunderland. I don't remember.

I don't remember. But there was, do you remember the one where the, I got in an argument with the teacher because she said Che Guevara was Cuban. Oh, yeah. He was Argentinian. And he was cuban oh yeah and i got sent to the head teacher there was this teacher and we were doing a thing about shea guevara she's talking about it was cuban i went i wasn't cuban he was argentinian and she got in and she got a bit rude she was like i think she was a substitute teacher and she went well you know i've got a history

degree and i went wow and you're teaching a class and then i went and then i did pull i went uh my dad only like wrote a bbc show about it but you know you've got a history degree and then I went and then I did pull I went my dad only like wrote a BBC show about it but you know you've got a history degree and then so I was like you know like like my dad hasn't got

a history degree and got a BBC show out of it but you know well done being a substitute I'm sure his editors wouldn't have let it through if it was a lie

yeah well and like because she did get like but I know I was being a cunt but she got cunty so I got sent to the head teacher's office

and she was like well you've got to apologise and I'm like I'm not apologising for being correct I'm not apologising for being correct like I was being a cunt, but she got cunty. So I got sent to the head teacher's office and she was like, well, you've got to apologise. And I'm like, I'm not apologising for being correct. I'm not apologising for being correct. I was like, I'll apologise for the way I was aborted.

No, not even that. Fuck her, innit? You're a substitute teacher. There was a guy that was a trade union official, quite a prominent trade union official. And he, you know, he's one of everything.

Everything's a little bit of a confrontation with him. And he was telling me, he said, all right, they got a little bit of a confrontation with him and he was telling me, he said, all right, they got my parents, my daughter, my daughter was like 12 or something like that,

right, and he says, so the teacher said, I've got a race issue with you because she questioned me in class about something and I said, all right,

did she? And she was sat there, I said, did you question him in class? She said, I did, dad, yeah,

I said, what did you question him about? And she told me and I said, right, so was you wrong? And he said, being wrong is not uh is not a matter sir and i said but was you wrong and he said well that's not the issue at stake i said well i'm asking you was you wrong and he said well i said was you wrong and he went well yeah i was wrong but on this occasion i've got 10 quid out of my pocket. I said, there you are, darling. Always remember to question people when they're wrong. Right, that's it.

He's also the same bloke who was sort of emceeing this big political rally. I can't remember what the issue was now in London. Somewhere, thousands of people there. And he was sort of introducing various people, and I was about to go and speak. And he went, I can now tell you, this is all the crowd, he said, I can now tell you that very proudly this demonstration on Twitter is currently trending above Ebola. That's the goal,

that's where we all want to be. We want to be trending above all this. Man, I could do this all day. This has been talking class finding out about your school days and shit from your dad's perspective.

I was such a little cunt when I was retelling those stories. I'm in a room and all of this. But I've got an eight hour drive back to Glasgow because we've just done a few dates of the tour. We've those stories I was like I'm in the wrong but I've got an eight hour drive back to Glasgow because we've just done a few dates of the tour we've just

we're like a week into the tour there's plenty more dates to see kaihunfries.com if you want to see me it's been good can't do some

Newcastle dates with you yeah please do that breaking gig was meant last night and yeah thanks for having us here do you have a tour to plug yourself Mark

oh I've got a tour to plug it's been announced when does this go out this will be out tomorrow it's been announced when does this go out this will be out tomorrow it's been announced on the 24th

so I think there's about 40 dates coming up I don't know where they are but they'll be all over the place yeah so keep an eye

if Mark Steele's going to be coming to somewhere near you and go see him because he's class and Elliot you've got your social yeah I'll be announcing

things within the next few months and yeah I'll see you on the road and I'll see you on the next podcast thank you very much