Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Shark Narc (Ft. Elliot & Mark Steel)
Episode Date: October 23, 2024Elliot's father and esteemed legend of comedy Mark Steel joins the podcast as he's thrust into continuing a story he'd started off air about an incident with a cottage pie. We get to hear all of the p...roblems Elliot had at school and found out exactly how he came to be the way he is, and not a member of the SAS.
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Sloss and Humphries on the road!
Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream
That's our intro
Fuckin' muggles!
Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack
Ah, muggles!
Accidental rim job in the park
Kiss kiss kiss
Or am I just being cynical?
Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia
Where have you been since 9-11?
All right, here we go.
Go on, we're about to hear the most amazing story ever.
Go on.
Someone made a cottage pie.
Mark, you're obviously enlightening us.
Well, it wasn't a story that I was intending to tell on a podcast.
No, but it was a story.
He's got to do a nine-hour drive.
A nine-hour drive, Mark.
We've set up the podcast, but you're about to tell us the worst story ever.
So go on.
This is the introduction of the podcast.
Welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the Road.
I've got Mark Steele and Elliot Steele.
First of all, gentlemen, thank you.
Thank you for welcoming me into your home.
I'm doing an intro, Mark.
I'm doing an intro.
No one's going to get a word.
I've interrupted the interruption.
Go on, then.
Go on.
Thank you for welcoming me into your home.
Thank you.
Speaking to the mic for fuck's sake.
Shut up.
I've done that to a fucking broadcast sake this podcast is going to be a
little bit different folks we've got a family on we're going to settle some feuds um yeah thanks
for letting me turn your kitchen into a studio and thanks for joining me on the podcast but you
were about to tell an amazing story about a cottage pie that i'm sure our listeners would love to hear
you started telling the story and we were
sorry
this last night
you give
you do this with stories
you give five minutes
of unnecessary detail
that doesn't need
to be there
the story started with
I was on a beach
then someone texted me
to come over
then they made a cottage pie
then we played a game
I think that's mean though
that's the colour
of a story isn't it
the colour of the story
is the little bit
yeah alright
so Elliot still tells the story of the Second World War.
Bloke gets angry, invades Poland,
everybody tells him to fuck off,
he bombs Japan, America joins in, the end.
That's it.
I think the compromised gentleman
would be somewhere in the middle.
Firstly, how dare you say that this story
was as interesting as World War II?
Well, you don't know, do you?
Because you've not heard it.
Finish the story.
So, right, he makes the cottage pie.
Bloke comes round, knocks on the door and says,
yeah, I'm hungry.
And he has a bit of the cottage pie.
It turns out it was actually Himmler who escaped from Hitler's bunker.
And anyway.
What's the actual end to the story?
The story is that I chased him all the way to Argentina
to where he's been living.
What's the actual end to the story?
I'm not telling you.
I prefer this World War II Hot Pot story.
Hot Pot was it.
It's how it's moved from Hot Pot. I'm not telling you. It wasn't Hot Pot was it it's a move from Hot Pot
I'm not telling you
it wasn't a story
intended to be
on a podcast
you know
it's like
it's like
if Tom Cruise
is telling a story
about someone
he met up the bakers
you wouldn't then
expect to sell
the same story
on the Graham Norton show
would you
you hit record
and the later on
and you're like
oh this story's just
small talk isn't it?
I'm selling my small talk
to strangers now.
Tom Cruise,
if he walks onto the set
of the Graham Norton show
just as they're about
to record the Graham Norton show
and goes,
oh,
let me tell you
what happened to me
the other day
and everyone was like,
everyone was like,
well,
actually Tom,
we were about to start
the thing before,
everyone's here
like set up and got everything going and then you just stand and go, oh, by the way, everyone's everyone's here like set up
and got everything
going and then
you just stand
there going
oh by the way
here's something
I want to know
about the bacon
so Mark
yeah this is what
I'm going to propose
right you say it's
not a podcast
worthy story
but we've click baited
them now
there's a hot pot
story that was
about to be told
before we hit record
and now we've
teased them with it
and you're a
remarkable storyteller
I reckon you go for it and and don't let Elliot interrupt.
Just tell us the story about the cottage pie.
From the top.
Well, it's not a very cheery story, so you know when you're sort of,
right, if you've ever been round at someone's house,
and there's a family, and you're the only person there who isn't part of the family?
Yeah, I've been there before, yes.
No, but there isn't just, you're not allowed to interrupt.
You're not just with two people from the family.
you're not just with two people from the family you're with maybe uh with a couple and with an assortment of son all the sons and daughters that have come from various incognito couples
there's maybe seven people there eight people eight people there of which i was the only one
who wasn't part of the actual family but they're all lovely and i'll get on with all you just feel
like the delivery guy at that point yes a little bit and then it's decided that there's going to be a game a sort of a game the details of which
don't matter but it involved writing five famous people on a bit of paper and heads up a hat all
of that sort of thing and then you have to tell describe the person in three words to other people in your team or something like that.
And one of the people who was one of the older generation there, I thought very much like with my famous people, don't put people that are famous to you from 1973.
Don't put Huey Green because all the young people there won't know who that is
so I thought oh is it that you know everyone will know but this other person didn't and they put
a series of people that you would not know unless you were at least 45 and most of the people there
weren't 45 and the family started arguing
and he dug his
heels in
and they start
and then you know
when it gets to a
point where you
think oh this
is this still
funny
yeah
is this what
they're always like
and then
yeah and then
one or two people
are going
why don't you
just shut it
why don't you
just shut up
right
just shut up
and just get on
with the game
and then you think right well, well, at this point,
can the older person go, okay, maybe,
but instead he digs his heels in more.
Why are you always like this?
I'm always like this.
And it was absolute pandemonium.
And you're not sure whether or not the best thing to do is to go,
I'm going to just, I'm go actually i'm gonna well it was later
than i think but you sort of think that might make it worse how did you end up with this family party
anyway mark because there was a cottage pie there when the cottage pie was going to come into this
so you got baited in where you're walking past and you just like drifted off your feet like one
of the looney tunes cartoons where the skunk follows the scent of the pie
and he's letting
this family home
by cottage pie
it was cooling down
on the windowsill
yeah yeah
is this the same family
that one time
you went round
they asked you over
for a drink
and then someone
turned up and started
saying Hitler was right
for killing all the Jews
no you don't go back
to that party
you would never have
went back for a game
of heads up
well he fucking did
he's gone back
Jewish man loves
a cottage pie
fool me once
that was a different
person but yes
it was at the same
house
yes
was he like trying
to do a bit like
oh he was right
but he went after
the wrong people
it should have been
Ned and Chavs
no he was
he was
no it's just very
towards about
six foot nine
sort of Australian guy
oh well there you go
and
yeah
I think I know who it is
yeah
you mentioned
oh god this is going out
this is going to finish me
right Zoe
this is
it's going to end up
in Pascal's book
just just on that
you know I gigged with her
a while ago right
oh yeah
me too
but I just managed
to not have a conversation
we like
I was in the group
and everyone's like
yeah what did you do
and I was like
I'll tell you what I did
got a lovely photo
with her from the comedy store
in a green room
that's gone out
and looked like
there's no problem whatsoever
she was perfectly lovely
yeah of course it was me keyboard warrior with a book room that's gone out and looked like there's no problem whatsoever. She was perfectly lovely.
Keyboard warrior with a book.
Steve Hughes was at the party.
It wasn't anyone
known to the comedy world.
It's a
big tall bloke who lives near here.
Yeah, and I talked to him too
very often. He's super nice. And then he
just went, we were talking about
something that had
happened in Israel
Israel
it was
pretty horrible
what had they done
well one or two things
you know
you wouldn't
that you would hope
if you went round
to someone's party
you would hope
that they didn't do this
in the middle of the
I went round
for a cottage pie
and they
second cottage pie story
they ended up
bombing a hospital saying they had to because there was
someone living underneath it uh no there was and then he said it makes you think you know the jews
they always do these things i don't know why they were so hated by the germans and there must have
been a reason for it and i i went mate mate, no, you can't have that.
And then he went, I'm just being devil's advocate.
Devil's advocate?
About fucking justifying a holocaust?
About the holocaust?
You're devil's advocate?
No, no, I hate that was devil's advocate.
Like that's what I was taking, man.
They needed a devil's advocate. They needed a devil's advocate.
They needed a devil's advocate in the final solution to go,
what if we don't do this?
That's where devil's advocate should have been.
And go, wait, we're doing what?
Nah.
Question this, bro.
Yeah.
But that's the same house.
So which of these people, the family that feuded,
the Australian anti-Semite, which had the best hotpot?
I don't know why I keep saying hotpot instead of country pie.
What was the more awkward one, the family argument or the Holocaust denial?
Because I think the family argument would be more awkward.
Well, the Holocaust denial...
It is more awkward.
It is the Holocaust denial.
You can just tell him to fuck off.
It wasn't a Holocaust denial.
He was a Holocaust defender.
Okay, right.
So you can tell him to fuck off.
You can tell him your figure is fundamentally wrong
and that we'll morally disagree, and it's not uncomfortable to say that exactly whereas
like you have to tiptoe on eggshells around the family feud about heads up that's absolutely it
quite in a nutshell yeah it was it but it's but they're not you know they're all i don't dislike
any of them they're brilliant and i've been but they you know a family feud is not a thing to
when you're the one when you're the one person there
that isn't part
of the family
and you're sort of
we just need to watch
the first three minutes
of this podcast
I think that game
is designed though
for family feuds
I remember
playing that
with a group of friends
and just falling out
with Natalie
because she couldn't
guess Mike Tyson
and I was like
box eye
was in the hangover
tattoo on his face
and I ended up
just going one of the most famous people in the world just start naming the most famous people in the hangover tattoo on his face like uh and i ended up just
going like one of the most famous people in the world just say just start naming the most famous
people in the world and you'll get there i was there i was there for it who's the villain in
teenage mutant ninja turtles splinter no no shredder shredder shredder right and they pulled
a face so good like it was like we were like on, is their group cheating? And Kirsty pulled a face, and Natalie then said it.
And we went, how the fuck did you get that niche reference?
That is because the way the game's played properly is you describe deeply the names that you're talking about.
So when somebody out of touch puts a 1940s reference in, right,
and the young people don't know who it is,
they hear you describe it to somebody else and then click on that that description goes with that name and if like if the shredder ones like he's got a mask on
his face right he's got he's got a mask on his face he fights against the turtles right and then
later on kirsty's never watched the turtles in her life but she goes mask on her face and looks at
natalie and they're like oh that sounds like the shredder guy that was being described before so
you pick it up so the names come up before yeah so you have to do one a description one a mime yeah one one in description one in
one word and then one in mime so by the third round everybody knows the names of all the people
even the ones that they didn't know so you know the youtuber even though you're 76 yes yeah but
that's not what happened on this one because we were doing mime and that happened and we were like
get absolute
and it caught
but yeah I was there
for the Mike Tyson incident
which to be fair
you were in the wrong one
like
your poor wife
she was like
she was six glasses of wine deep
she couldn't really give a fuck
about the game anymore
and you were just going
one of the most famous people
in the world
say it
just say famous people
and she's there
she's there
like a bubble
Jesus
she's there
Genghis Khan
no
no but I had went through
a bit off of
Vanderfield
Vanderhollyfield's ear
yeah
but she's not gonna know that
like
Mike Tyson
is it
Mike Tyson's
just saying anything
other than he's black
yeah
I want a sign of a friend I think bit off to ask Mike Tyson is, Mike Tyson's are, just saying anything other than he's black. Yeah.
Why didn't you just say that?
I think,
bit of my,
to us,
because we follow sport all the time,
bit of my,
bit of Evander Holofid's here is,
is so obvious.
Yeah,
yeah,
that's in the public's eye guys,
isn't it?
Yeah,
it's in the public's eye guys,
but not, not to,
not to like Natalie.
It's like,
it's like the same way if like,
you know,
someone who's like 21 or 22 would like to like a,ts like a k-pop band or something that's really popular oh yeah like
or if someone was to go on about uh like if someone was to say to my dad ksi yeah it's it
i'm aware that that person exists i couldn't tell you what he looks like i couldn't describe him in
a game of heads up yeah you know you know, it's so very few,
but like to some people it's just not.
And that's where you're like,
how the fuck do you not know this?
Yeah, I think I'd be playing that game
like something about prime drink.
Yeah, yeah.
It's interesting because now
that would be much more the case
than say 40, 50 years ago,
because 40, 50 years ago,
if someone was on the telly,
even if you weren't particularly interested.
Everybody knows who Jasper Carrot is.
Everybody knows, exactly. Everyone knew who Jasper Coward is. Everybody knows, exactly.
Everyone knew who Jasper Coward is.
And now, so with comedy,
there will be, there are comics
who can fill the alb-all
who we won't have heard of
because they'll be the niche,
they'll be the canoeing comic.
And all the canoeists,
everyone who's got a canoe
goes to see this famous canoeing.
Yeah, there's subculture.
There's subcultures that are massive. Like I'd say D&D is a subculture the subcultures
that are massive
like I'd say
D&D is a subculture
but that's fucking huge
oh dude
when I went to see
Danny
oh my god
at Wembley
do you know
Critical Role
yeah so I went to see
Critical Role
I'll tell you about this
the D&D people
it was amazing
you look a bit like
confused at what
D&D is
you know what
D&D is
Dungeons and Dragons
it's a story it's a storytelling game it's like D&D is Dungeons and Dragons it's a storytelling
game
it's like
yeah I know what
Dungeons and Dragons
is
D&D
you build a story
as a team
and you suggest
what the story
is going to be like
and then you roll
dice to see if
it goes your way
or not
and then the
dungeon master
tells the story
in that direction
gets you into
trouble
and then you
try to roll
your way out
of it with
storytelling
and dice
it's a lot of fun
and you can immerse
yourself in it as much as you want you can get fully into character you can just it with storytelling and dice it's a lot of fun and you can immerse yourself in it
as much as you want
you can get fully
into character
you can just talk
through what's happening
it's a fun game
and it's great to play
with comics
because they're creative
people
the critical role
they sold out
I think they sold out
Wembley in like
14 minutes or something
but they're voice actors
they're really good
voice actors as well
they're very good
and they really get
into the character
but they'll be funny
but they'll also be
very sincere when they're playing the character so you do watch it
it was four and a half hours long it was fucking ridiculous i left before the end
uh and that would have been like part of a massive campaign that would have been like episode 20 or
50 or something yeah yeah they're huge and uh i got like i got a bit stoned while i was there
and i was walking because at first like you turn up to wembley it's really funny everyone comes
dressed as their characters as people walking around
as orcs and stuff
you're like what fucking losers
and then you go
hold on a sec
this is the exact same
as a 40 year old dude
turning up with Harland
on the back of his shirt
this is the exact
I was like
it's exactly the same
as being in a football dish
it's just nicer
they were just well behaved
there was no problems
it was a lot nicer
there was no hooliganism
no hooliganism
you didn't have the wizards
fighting against the warlocks
in the car park afterwards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Taking the warlock in.
No one going viral
because they sung
an offensive song
about the great
warlock disaster.
It was like
everyone was just,
no one using tragedy
as a fucking,
as like,
do you know what I mean?
It was just lovely people
getting on with each other
the police weren't
kettling all the wrongs
down one street
holding all the warriors
in the stadium
until everybody else
had cleared out
somebody
somebody throwing
somebody throwing
like an apple
at an elf
because that's what
they're known for
that was their racism yeah that was their that was their lifetime ban an apple at an elf because that's what they're known for.
That was their racism.
One of the elves rolled out a natural one
and got a load of DMs
the next day.
DM was such a difficult
acronym to use
in that situation
because it means
direct message
and dungeon master.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, you're a nightmare to a world I don't i can semi-play i'd still have to like sometimes there's a rules told to me one guy it's a lot of fun we played it during lockdown
over zoom and uh it was really fun and then if we'd filmed that if we'd filmed that would have
gone viral and then that yeah it was a it was a good time and the the restrictions lightened and there was this
board game shop
in East London
that reopened
and the people
me, you, Tom and Daniel
who had been
playing on Zoom
went to do the final
part of this campaign
in a comic book shop
or whatever it was
board game shop
played for about
three, four hours
didn't we
and there was people
in there like
not everybody in there
was playing games
a lot of people
were just using it
for the internet hotspot
and using it as a cafe to get their work done
and get out of the house to get their work done and shit.
And we were just fucking like making a scene.
Yeah.
We were like screaming,
we were like celebrating some stuff like goals had won.
We never worked well as a team.
There was bits where we were like stood up,
like holding our hair
because we didn't know what was going to happen.
Like we got really suspenseful with it.
I was, I think I was the, what is it?
Tom got downed by,
he used his final thing to revive
me because i was close to the medusa and then i i had like one final shot if i fucked this shot up
it was her turn again and you were on like no health i was on no health would have all been
dead and then i managed i threw the dice hit and like i hit like quite a bit and you have to wait
to find out if you've done enough and then she died
and we were fucking mental.
I felt like there's people near
where I invested in the game at that point
because they've like eavesdropped a lot of it.
Yeah, it's a game you move it.
So that,
your equivalent of like
you needed to chip it in off the green.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It was as well
because you have so much time
like invested in it and stuff.
I was trying to tell Lottie about it one time.
It's hard to explain to people that don't care.
Yeah, but not just that.
She's like, do you do voices?
And I'm like, well, sometimes there's some voices.
Kerry Marks is good with the voices.
He would do voices.
She's like, how do you like,
how have I seen you like some guy
trying to like
start on her
and I'll shoot one time
and I went to deal with it
and she's like
how do you do that
and that
I'm like the crossover
you find everyone
I was talking to
Paul Craig one time
you know
he was about to fight
at Madison Square Garden
against Bo Nickel
I was doing a show
with him
I was chatting to him
right
big UFC fighter
he's really good
he's ranked like ninth in his division he's a really good fighter and I was chatting to him about a big UFC fighter but he's really good he's ranked like ninth
in his division
he's a really good fighter
and I was talking to him
about D&D
and like he lives in Glasgow
he was like
I'd love to come over
to the Schlosses one time
and play D&D
oh yeah
he was into that
yeah well people do
I bet you know
probably Rocky Marciano
or something
probably had a rubber duck
in his bar
well Henry Carville
loves Warhammer 40K,
which I've been learning the lore of.
I'm never going to play it because it's just too much time.
But you know what?
Mike Tyson.
Who?
I've never heard of him.
Mike Tyson probably had a lovely,
he probably had a nice collection of butterflies
and then another collection of ears.
Oh, yeah.
He collects pigeons.
Very south of the land
he collects pigeons
he has a pigeon farm
oh does he
yeah I watch his podcast
he farms pigeons
yeah he just loves
pigeons and stuff
I guess a lot
a lot of allotments
around like
Blythe and Ashton
and that have like
pigeons and shit
they used to race them
I don't know if they do anymore
but they used to race pigeons a lot
yeah yeah
that was a thing wasn't it
but that's the thing
you know when you're like
we were talking about
earlier today
about some people
just dismiss a thing that they're not into like football or the thing, you know, when you're like, we were talking about earlier today about some people just dismiss a thing
that they're not into
like football,
ding and ding.
They've just made
a blanket decision.
But the thing is like,
you're not letting yourself
enjoy that,
but you can't deny
that people are enjoying that.
People do it
because it's good.
Now,
you've hit on a thing here.
This makes me so cross.
This is when someone says
that is boring.
Cricket,
sewing.
Why do you follow that?
That is boring.
I thought knitting was boring
and then I gave it a go
and I'm fucking fascinated by knitting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fucking class.
So, because if you say that is boring
rather than I don't get that
or that isn't my cup of tea.
I don't understand it.
I don't understand it.
Because that's putting it on yourself
rather than the thing.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I mean, fishing to me, I don't think it will ever be a thing i'm gonna
be particularly interested in but i can see why people would be but if you say fishing is boring
you're making yourself god deciding what is it and also then you're you're determining that
everybody who follows this thing is an idiot
yeah
they've been fooled
and they're pretending
they're like
I think those people
whisky's disgusting
whisky's disgusting
yeah yeah yeah
exactly
exactly
so
you're all wrong
and
I
I cannot
I think they need to be punished
yeah
that's pretty much
Daniel's role on this podcast
yeah
when he's on the podcast.
They should be punished.
No, no, it's just like writing something off
because he doesn't like it.
But then again, he does change his tune over time.
Well, he tapped out of football, didn't he?
Yeah.
He was there, but we're saying this.
He was never really into it.
I think it's hard to be fully invested in football
if the team doesn't have an actual connection to you.
Like, he's Scottish and supports Chelsea.
And then if Chelsea start doing bad,
like why does he have to hang around?
It's like he chose a team when he was nine.
Whereas like I've like got a feeling for Newcastle.
It's like intertwining you guys with Crystal Palace.
It's intertwining who you are.
I backed off my love of Crystal.
With football, it was after England lost to Italy in the final.
I went, I can't let this
dictate my happiness
anymore
like even during
the Euros
when we were
losing to Slovakia
and before Bellingham
scored the overhead kick
I went to you
in the group
I went
this is funny
like objectively
this is hilarious
it's annoying
that it's happening
to me
but I can't
not
I'm not going to
let this wind me up this has to be funny and I now have that with Crystal Palace where I'm like I can't not I'm not going to let this wind me up
this has to be funny
and I now have that
with Crystal Palace
where I'm like
I don't let football
dictate my mood anymore
so when we lost to Spain
in the final this time
I went with my mates
and we just went
and got a couple
of cocktails after
and we had a really nice night
and I just saw it
as a nice night out
yeah
there's a lot more
surrounding football
than just your own
team's success
the way I started enjoying
because obviously
Newcastle went through
a rough patch
for about 14 years
and that was really
hard for me
because I couldn't
get my head
I only wanted to
watch the Newcastle
games
I didn't care
about anything else
and the Newcastle
games were shit
it was like
fucking good
going to the stadium
was like
the day I chose
at times
during that time
right
that's when you're
an actual fan
that's what being
a football fan is
when you went
to the third division.
No, no, that would have been before my time
if we were anything lower than what is now the championship.
We went to the championship twice in my lifetime
and we got promoted back up straight away.
And I know that's a privileged position
considering a lot of clubs
spend years and years without getting in the Prem.
So I do check my privilege on that shit.
But it was tough to watch
when your expectations are the entertainers
right
that's when I come up
football sentient
was like fucking
Keegan's
like Andy Koshira
like that sort of
generation
and then you expect
that to be the rest
of your life
and it's not
and the way I started
enjoying football
is I just zoomed out
a step
and started enjoying
the league
and just enjoyed
the actual league itself
and just like the story
of like everything
that's happening
instead of just
of course that's the main focus is Newcastle but i can still enjoy football without my team's
success yeah it's about that like the immediate dismissal of a thing but there are things that are
intrinsically boring i will always say watching jujitsu is the most boring fucking thing in the
world that's as a practitioner yeah like jujitsu is an incredibly like I wouldn't say it was boring when I watched you
But that's because it that's because you knew someone who was doing it if you went to watch jujitsu
It's in like it falls down as a sport why it will never get massive
It is because I can stick on the UFC or I can stick on boxing
in front of a girl or group of people who aren't into it.
And they can immediately get invested because it is very simple to understand.
That person needs to knock that person out.
That person.
You can very quickly tell who's doing well, who's doing badly.
And then suddenly it can switch at any moment.
So that's exciting.
Jiu-jitsu can be three minutes of fighting for hand position on the floor.
That is not exciting
that's why i can see that and i've got the great thing i always say this about the marvelous thing
about sport and indeed come back to the thing of people who dismiss sport or this particular sport
it's not the ball it's not the whatever the thing it's the human beings if you had two robots who
could play snooker that would not be that would be i suppose mildly interesting
but when you've got a snooge yeah we'll have a novelty value for sure yeah but it's the tension
and it's ronnie o'sullivan and it's oh well i hate snooker i'm giving it up and all that and
and you've got someone else who's maybe really really sort of diligent and in a different sort
of personality and the tension gets through and. And boxing obviously is all about,
is so much about,
about that and what's in the head.
But with jujitsu,
when I've come to the tournaments,
it's the whole paraphernalia of it.
I find fascinating to think this is jujitsu,
not the most popular sport in Britain.
And the immense amount of effort that's gone in to create in the jujitsu, not the most popular sport in Britain. And the immense amount of effort that's gone in to create a jujitsu tournament in one area.
And there's like 200 competitors and 40 referees.
And they've all had to bring boards with electronic scoreboards and mats and stuff for the coffees.
And people are taking the notes and someone's had to get the trophies.
And it's just this,
I find it incredibly moving.
So much effort.
None of them are getting paid
or they might be getting their expenses.
I don't know.
And then people have dismissed it
as like, oh, it's just an excuse
for men to cuddle each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I think,
which it also is that.
It's a fucking gay sport.
Let's not be around a bush.
But then it's,
but as well,
it's like, it's why like you usually
find the higher up you're going to do it to the more it comes very Dungeons and Dragons it's
exactly the same as Dungeons and Dragons like because you'll find like there's a very intricate
guard play that like someone goes like I play like a reverse then a heaver into that to go to a single
leg x then I'm going to full sweep and go for and it comes exactly like this terminology you're talking
about which spells you're going to cast yeah yeah and it's animate the corpse so that you can get
knowledge from it yeah and it's it gets incredibly like that the higher up you go like you will go
into a gym and you will just see the most mild-mannered nerdy guy who is fucking wicked
on the mat because he understands how to learn and patterns was i was going to say do you know but in regards to sport
what people i think i would have publicly whipped and walked naked through the streets
keep politics out of sport people uh do you they there is nobody who doesn't understand sport
less than those people because the whole point of sport is it's political.
Celtic Rangers is the only,
that's not about football.
That's about the immense amount of politics involved in it.
The reason Muhammad Ali is such,
look, there have been better boxers than Muhammad Ali,
but the political,
this is what it pains me to say,
Floyd Mayweather
is a better boxer
than Muhammad Ali
right he is
yeah people don't like hearing that
they don't want to hear that
he is
he's not as liked
we don't talk about it
it's the first time
it's ever been mentioned
in what we should have
he's not as liked
he's not as loved
why?
because of the politics
of Muhammad Ali
so when someone likes
takes a knee in football
and someone doesn't want
to have a conversation
about racing,
they go,
well,
I just think politics
shouldn't be in sport.
The entire point of sport
is it's tribalistic.
We're meant to be
getting political about this.
Your political affiliation
in your football team
is a huge thing in Europe.
If you are a Lazio fan,
you are probably
quite right wing.
If you are a Roma fan,
you are probably
slightly less right wing.
It's a huge, what are you, less right wing like it it's a huge
what are you
you're going to tell
African Cup of Nations
you're going to get to
say when Ghana
versus Nigeria
hey guys
keep politics out of this
it's a whole
fucking
the Euros
it's just
ethno-nationalism
with a little bit of football
being played in between
and I think
I think that's absolutely right
and in a
in a million,
I mean, I would say it's not just politics.
Serbia, Albania.
Could you imagine that game?
Like, are you going to say,
hey guys, keep the fall of Yugoslavia out of this?
Yeah.
And also, yeah, it's not just nationalism.
It's every other,
like Ronnie O'Sullivan, for example,
he represents a certain disdain for authority.
He's obviously always been personally very political.
He was a Corbyn supporter and so on.
And that represents a certain...
Tiger Woods becoming probably the second greatest golfer of all time
as a black man in a sport that
routinely barred black people from,
uh,
from playing on,
including,
including one of the play,
one of the,
uh,
courses.
So sport has been a majors on that's,
it's been a platform for social breakthroughs historically over the years.
Well,
Jesse,
Jesse Irons winning,
uh,
and then as soon as people say, as soon as people start saying new social breakthroughs happening they're like no
no no no legs to keep politics out of sports there was some there was some cunt in cologne with us
on an england flag stop the boats right which like look if we i i hate that we have to do this but
like if we're going to take the knee that prick as much i disagree with him he's allowed to have
that on his thing i disagree with it but he's allowed to have that on his thing.
I disagree with it,
but he's allowed to have it, yeah.
But he's the type of person
that's saying keep politics out of football
and he's got stop reports on his flag.
People have found tweets of his
going keep politics out of football
and now it's like,
well go fuck, no, no, no.
Keep your fucking,
you don't get a,
you don't get a doozle
and it's the exact same as people.
They'll say keep politics out of football
and then complain about the price of a paint.
Yeah. Which that'll be like to do with tax levies and shit.
Even at a subtler level,
like the England football team under Southgate
that started doing better,
one of the reasons it started doing better
was that Southgate,
and also I think the FA allowed them to do this,
understood that the old ways of thinking of the England team,
that we were just going to win naturally because we were England
and all that sort of thing,
but it was all the hostility between different players
because they were from different clubs.
Yeah, there was a big division in the past, wasn't there?
The media focus on wives and girlfriends yes that
the racism
that would have been there that when black players
raised racism
that would have been dismissed
racism in the news about like if Harry Kane
buys a car for his mother he's a golden boy
if Raheem Sterling did it
if Raheem Sterling did it he was flashing the cash
and Southgate was aware
of that and that was a big
part of him that
was a big part of
his
that's why the
players always
defended him
weren't they
so he put out
the statement in
support of Black
Lives Matter he
allowed people like
Mings and so on to
make those statements
that were very
explicit condemning
races that before
they would have
said no don't
do that they said
in advance um before the
early match we're not going to go to number 10 when boris johnson's in the uh is the prime
minister and so on applauded rashford and all of his social activities yeah all of that that was a
huge huge thing and similarly with the cricket the uh the brendan mccullum ben stokes era that's an
era in which they've gone look look, we don't encourage players
if we're just screaming at them,
yelling at them, dropping them
if they make one mistake and so on.
We're going to have this sort of extreme positivity.
We're going to back people if they...
And it's been a whole different way of playing,
a whole different way of...
Moeen Ali and so on,
they didn't do all the champagne thing.
What was that one?
Because Moeen Ali's a Muslim
and he wouldn't want to be.
Oh yeah,
okay,
yeah.
So all of that way of thinking.
I never got a Spurlian Muslim friend with booze,
like that's just rude.
No cricket,
if you did that 40 years ago,
if you mentioned,
oh,
he doesn't want to have,
they'd have just said,
well,
if he doesn't like it,
he can bloody well get back,
you know.
So,
it's integral, it's part of sport social attitudes and so on you can't it not only is it part of it it drives it like you're saying about alley well
i just find it like you know there's this again we're sorry like you are allowed to put i can't
stop you putting stop the boats on an England flag,
but you're exactly the kind of,
firstly,
like.
Yeah,
you'll get people that are sinking politics out of football and then kick off if somebody doesn't wear a poppy.
Oh,
yeah.
It's the hypocrisy of it more than anything.
It's like the fucking,
no,
they're like,
oh,
I want my politics and football and that's all.
I want football to be singing from my hymn sheet we were talking about this
the other day right you see people get so angry over the poppy stuff why haven't you fought in
the army if you love it so much you're fucking coward yeah like you you're the what do you want
about if you yeah but you're the one you're the one screaming at people
you go you go join the army
you can respect the troops
as if you are one
why are you screaming at me
there's no thing
that I have to respect
the troops
what am I respecting them for
for defending my freedom
from bombing a Yemeni wedding
like why am I
what am I respecting
oh thank you for that
thank you
I might have been invited
to a wedding once
but now I'm not going to
because you've blown them all to smithereens so that's great cheers I been invited to a wedding once, but now I'm not going to because you've blown them
all to smithereens.
So that's great.
Cheers.
I don't have to go to that now.
So I'm going to wear a flower
for your mate
who got blown up in the country
that we shouldn't have been in.
What the fuck am I wearing?
Why is that on me?
Why is that my issue?
And when you say that
to the person,
do they,
does that win them round?
Look,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I,
I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I? Look, I... You wouldn't dare? He's a coward?
No, I would say... Sopit's listening to you right now.
He's going to rip your fucking head off.
Ha-ha, Sopit.
Ha-ha.
No.
Do you know how I avoided PTSD?
I didn't go out in a war zone.
That was my way of getting out of it.
You would have been terrible in a war zone.
Really? I'd have been fucking classed. You would have been too fucking clumsy. You would have been terrible in a war zone. Really?
I'd have been fucking classed.
You would have been too fucking clumsy.
You would have thrown the pin and kept the grenade.
They'd have been at the night evening,
people would be screaming and stuff.
You've got to go get the medicare.
And I'd go,
that's not all the way over there, you know.
No, man, it'll be all right.
Come on.
I'd do a shortcut.
I would be such a coward in a war.
There's a newsreader who,
I won't say his name,
but it's a newsreader who used to do the Today programme.
Not Hugh Edwards, no, no.
Hugh Edwards definitely would not have done this.
And I was on the Today programme once
and there was a soldier that was being interviewed on the phone.
And this soldier had PTSD.
And he said, you have to be careful a bit with me because I've got PTSD from an incident that happened in Afghanistan or something.
And this newsreader did this little interview with him.
I remember that.
Well, exactly. on or something and this newsreader did this little interview with him well exactly so
then when there was a sort of little break for the weather
or something I said I reckon
you were fighting the temptation
there all through that interview to suddenly go
on the other hand one thing
I would like BOOM
and I thought
is that a really terrible thing to say
to this really earnest sort of
and he went oh if only I had have done if only I had have done that a really terrible thing to say to this really earnest sort of... And they went, oh, if only I had have done.
If only I had have done.
That would have been hilarious.
And I thought, oh, that's...
The fucking squad, he would have loved that because they've got the sickest sense of humour.
They'd fucking love that shit, man.
Imagine the trouble you'd get in, though, with us now.
We've got this post-traumatic stress disorder.
And one thing I should ask you, and which regiment would...
Imagine the shit you would get in for that but yeah you're right this is what he'd love
once they recovered yeah but isn't it with like a popper as well it's like if you wear it i get
it it's a mark of respect right but something's no longer a mark of respect if you force everyone
to wear it it's an enforced thing so that means the people who are wearing it have to wear it because you don't want to get yelled at
so then you can't tell who's wearing it because they're genuinely like look i think well no one
is forced to wear it can i remind you something that really this really uh and it's really upsetting
actually but do you know if you remember this is it a fight going to school about it no i don't
know i don't know about that Tell us about that in a minute.
You were about, I wonder what, age six maybe,
and you'd bought a poppy, I think,
in a shopping centre or something like that.
And I said, like, classic liberal earnest dad,
I went, oh, right, you know,
good that you bought a poppy or something like that but that and then I went through the reasons why I don't get
a poppy and that it's sort of a that they that it's part of that poppies of
main as part of the Hague Foundation and Hague was that one of the generals in
the First World War it was responsible for I don't know and then you just started crying and I thought oh fuck
you just let him
upset you
so instead of
letting him
disrespect the troops
I felt such a sweat
do you remember that
no I was
but my thing with it
is I'd get
I'd get
up off
because I think
like the people
who I sent to war
to die
and the people
who
I think my granddad
was in the RAF
my friends have been
to war
I like fucking respecting the troops when the RAF my friends have been at war like I like
fucking respecting
the troops
when the tape
comes around
you don't have to
agree with the
fucking politics
of all of the wars
to just go
those motherfuckers
put their lives
on the line for us
I just find it
hypocritical
when like
you're gonna go see
you know
as answers day
comes around
you're gonna go see
people like
who are politicians
and stuff
laying a reef
and it's like you're the fucking cunts who send people are politicians and stuff wearing a poppy laying a wreath and it's like
you're the fucking cunts
who send people
a war
like this is
so as I got a bit older
I was like
oh I'm
I'm happy
to wear the poppy
because
some guy who's
gone over
it's the Tories
going to clap for the NHS
while fucking
underfunding them
yeah yeah yeah
it's exactly that
the reason we're clapping
and the reason they're fucking
like on the front lane right now
is because they
you've got us
in this mess
I don't have
this thing
and also there's
like a thing
as I get older
I kind of look
at like England
flags and I like
wearing an England
flag during the
football and stuff
like that but
there's an aggressive
part of it that
makes me step
backwards so
where's your
puppy
and those are
the people that
I always think
why don't you
why if you're so into this you should have been in the army.
Did you ever try to go, I tried this saying up for the RAF.
Did you ever, was that even on your, was that even on your radar?
I used to be obsessed with the SAS and like fitness and running and stuff.
Like when I was like 16 and I wanted to like,
I reckon if I had a year of being unemployed, I'd have done it.
Like if I, if I hadn't found staff.
You wanted to be SS?
No,
I just loved the idea of like going over to Brecon Beacons and stuff like that.
I find it fascinating.
Like I was generally obsessive with it,
but then like I started doing standup.
So I was like,
I wasn't going to,
I wasn't going to do it.
Cause Maine was,
that was the only thing holding me back from joining the SS.
That was the only thing.
You don't simply join the SS.
The most elite group in the world.
You'll be very pleased to know
that stand-up didn't really work out,
so I'm going to come and join your elite regiment.
So if you can just sort of let us know
where it is that we're going to be.
Where am I going to be sleeping?
You're going to be parachuting me into.
A man who turned up late to Muay Thai.
I turned up late to Muay Thai yesterday
to get out of doing
the plank
I wanted to be
I think it was like
weapons loadmaster
or something
I wanted to be like
some engineer
and like level of
like RAF
like working
I wanted to work on planes
I was fascinated by planes
that sounds like
summoning the
Dungeons and Dragons
again
I does don't it
but just with missiles
instead of spells
so I would I went into the RAF thing and they sent us for an eye test the Dungeons and Dragons again. It does do that, but just with missiles instead of spells.
So I went into the RAF thing and they sent us for an eye test
and I give them the eye test results
and they sent us the list of things
that I could do
and it was just a bunch of things
crossed off and then like chef
at the bottom of the list
with a chick next to it.
That's the sort of thing,
why do people who are chefs in the army,
why do they get respect?
What do you mean? why do I have to
respect them
the same way
because they're
feeding the
fucking people
that are
going to
probably gone
to the
food in their
tummies
you know
probably gone
to the
province
or something
at the end of a gig
you'll give a round
of applause
for the people
at the barn
I don't mean it
I don't mean it
I think
let me just make this clear
I think what I've done is vastly superior.
You just can't say that.
You're not allowed to say that.
You're at an event that revolves around you
and people clap you when you're out going on stage.
I don't think they see you and the guy clap
and it's just a little bit guy.
It's not just me that's part of this operation.
They poured your paints.
They got you.
Fair enough.
I apologize.
Give them some of that now. I apologise.
I apologise to all the military chefs out there.
I'll be wearing a little stain on my shirt
in honour of you.
A little bean spit on my shirt.
On an apron in honour of you.
No, I got...
Oh, this is quite a bad story.
I got in a...
Do you remember there was a guy at my school,
Mr Jones, who used to run centre,
who was in the army?
I was running centre.
So if you got in school exclusion. So my school wouldn Jones who used to run centre who was in the army I was running centre so if you got in school exclusion
so my school
wouldn't exclude you
you had to go into school
the person that was
in charge of detention
yeah you'd go in
mine was Ross Noble's mum
I would be in detention
with Mrs Noble
yeah that was
that was my
my head of year
and she still comes
to my shows
she'll probably be
one of the Newcastle ones
she doesn't tell me
she's coming
but she's been there
every single show
I've ever done
oh that's brilliant
that's a brilliant story
I've never met Ross
now ruin that
so the centre was
it was in school
you're going an hour
after everyone else
and you leave an hour
later than everyone else
so you don't get to see anyone
like it's like
it's kind of a weird punishment
you were in there quite a lot
I was in there quite a lot
in fact the number of times
I had to go up that school
I reckon I was in that school
more than you were
and there was
this lad
I had a poppy
on and this
Afghan lad came
up and like
tried to rip it
off us
which like looking
back on
probably fair fuck
but I'm 50
so some lads
come up and
then me and him
have just had this
scrap
we've just had
like a fight
in the school
and it's got
separated imagine just the whole war just went well let's just decide and then me and him have just had this scrap we've just had like a fight in the school and it's got separated
imagine they're just
like just the whole war
just went well
let's just decide
between these two champions
and we were like
that's how the telly
bang got back into it
yeah
yeah
it was good
they lost on my dime
I wasn't able to
keep it my first
and so I went
into the centre
like we've had this fight
and
the guy running
it was called Mr Jones,
he took us to this other room, and he was like,
right, what's all that about?
And I told him, and he went, oh, yeah.
He went, can I show you some photos?
I went, yeah, yeah.
And he brought out these photos of him in a ghillie suit
with a sniper, and I'm, like, looking at it,
and I'm, like, right.
Child soldier?
No, no, no, he's, like, when he was fighting over
in Kosovo and Yugoslavia.
The kid you were fighting with?
No, the teacher.
Oh, the teacher.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's nearly gone into a schoolyard scrap with a jailed sword.
He was getting let off on Tuesday mornings from maths
so that he could go and fight in Kosovo.
The fact he was fighting in Kosovo,
this Afghani kid was just like a Sheik Havara
at this point
travelling the world getting into different fights
he was in Ukraine at the time
yeah he wasn't allowed to score on Tuesday
because he had to protect a diamond mine
see I teach how it's ex-military
not just ex-military like special forces
so I went like oh well you're in the special forces
and he just went
oh they give it some silly name like that
and then he never
let on about anything else
but he was just like
to me like
he was like
if someone does that again
he was like
yeah fuck them up
he was like
why did you let
this man teach kids
no
I'll tell you what
he was
put in a multicultural school
I swear to God
this guy no no no this guy was class this guy everyone everyone He was put in a multicultural school. This guy,
no,
no,
no.
This guy was class.
This guy,
everyone,
everyone,
everyone loved him.
Everyone loved him.
Mr.
Jones,
because he was,
he was popular.
He was just like,
he would just go like,
he just was one of those,
if you went into a place and people had a fight,
he'll come to you and go,
what was the fight about?
And sometimes he'd be like,
look,
you've got,
he's like,
if you're going to fight, you've got to come in here and take the punishment.
But yeah, don't let someone do that.
Like he was, he was just like reasonable, but he never let you off.
Like he was totally fair.
He was like, you've got to sit here and serve your punishment
because we're a school and this is, there's got to be order.
But yeah, this is the world.
Like it's going to be like that sometimes
and he was just always he was just always invested in what you were up to out of school like if you
go into boxing or something he would like come with you to the boxing gym and like he was just
one of those he cared for his peers he was like someone in the wire who like gave a fuck it's
funny how your perspective on teachers can shift as you get older as well because you look back at
the ones that were like a bit more strict and disciplined are they you hated them when you're
in school and you look back and go are they actually cared
yeah they were actually trying to keep some form in the class and keep learning and then you get
the teachers that would swear and you thought they were cool and you're going why is he showing off
in front of children and then you get the ones that would like always come in like brill cream
and fucking aftershave and you're like like the girls would fancy him and shit like that and you'd
be like oh he's coming to school trying to pull yeah where the fuck was that guy it was uh but then there was the i remember going to the
um parents evening at your school and oh miss jameson well i told you i told you it was meant
when you wouldn't have it and then you met her and went oh yeah yeah all right well come on to
miss jameson and you were married for three years. Exonerated in the thing.
I got exonerated.
You know when a kid's like, this teacher's like not,
and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
And then you meet her and you go, oh, fuck.
You lot have some strong unions, the fact that she's still working here.
Well, Miss Jameson is the one that threw out a kid in your class
because he called another kid.
He said I was referred to him as scarce and
she threw him out as racist and then Elliot stuck up for the kid going it's not right is to say that
someone scarce and then you got in trouble for that as well I got all right into the school and
I called I said honest image James and I could see that it's not like Scousers and the Slayer by the
way
he was
saying
what he
was talking
about
was
Liverpool
were playing
Cardiff
in at
the time
the League
Cup
final
so he
was going
they're
playing
the Scousers
that's what
he said
it wasn't
like
you're
pulling
into
someone's
car
you must
be
Scouser
it wasn't that it was Cardiff was's car you must be Scouse it wasn't that
it was Cardiff
was playing Liverpool
and he went
Cardiff are playing
the Scousers
that was the thing
it wasn't even
like a cheap joke
she just took it
as a slur
she took it as a slur
didn't understand
wasn't prepared
and then worse
is not
if you could imagine
someone sort of
doing that
and then going
Kitchy Frow was black
by the way
she's told a black
she's a white woman.
So there was,
there was times I had to come down to your side and then,
uh,
and she was statistics,
wasn't she?
And then there was a period during Elliot's last year there where I went into
the parents evening and these these two hated each other.
They were sat there all...
And she said, I don't like having him in my class.
I really don't like having him in the class.
And I said, this is probably the only bit of diplomacy
I've ever done in my life that works.
I said, right, I might have a solution here.
Elliot really hates being in your class.
You really don't like Elliot being in your class
why don't we just say Elliot doesn't come to your class anymore and she went yes great and then you
went yes and then I said as a little joke she's a statistics teacher I said I think we can say
that 100% of people in this little meeting are happy with that result and she went
well i don't think that's funny honestly she recoiled from that even though he's just like
coming to a conclusion and agreed on something yeah oh yeah she was she was bad and then what
did you do for that hour i just had an extra hour in bed did it yeah it was it was double it was it was a double
period on monday and a single period on wednesday and then one time i had a my the football teacher
of school was like well there's another pe class going on now where we just have like he's like we
play football do you want to come and just like play footy so i just ended up on mondays going
in and playing footy did you ever actually skype at any point oh yeah like tell your dad you're
going to school school leave for school
and then not go
me and my mate Harry
had this thing
on every Thursday
we found this like
hole in the fence
we could get out
and I wouldn't go
to my English class
right
but my mate
yeah yeah yeah
and I would just
why do you think
his English is so bad
listen how you speak
and how he speaks
which one skipped English
but like I was
that hole in the fence
is responsible
for all your
grammatical inadequacies
well
so my mate Harry
was like known
because he had this big
red
he was a big lad
and he had like a big
red jacket
that he'd wear right
so everyone would
joke about calling him
Red Riding Hood
whatever
and one day
he's like
you'd have to go up
like climb
stand on this fence
like stand on a brick wall
and there was a hole
in the fence and it was like someone's house and you come out on their drive and you walk off
and he lived like over the road from the school so we'd walk around the back ways go right he's
climbing through the fence and the teacher just leant out the window and went oh bye then harry
and he just kept going right and he turned around and went fuck you and just kept going
i haven't gone through yet. She hasn't seen me.
I was like,
I can't just leave him.
I can't leave him.
Like I can't just let my mate go.
So I was like,
but I can't go.
So you put your mustache,
nose and glasses on.
Even worse,
I just walked out the front exit.
Never got caught.
So he got caught
and given like a load of detention.
I walked out the front exit
and no one ever,
no one was none the wiser.
Yeah.
But there was a couple. At least you didn't snitch none the wiser yeah but there was a couple at least you didn't
snitch on him
no but there was
there was a couple times
where I'd like
just
but this was like
sort of year 10 and 11
and it's kind of where
I realised
like a thing that I still
have authority now
is if you just
it was in year
sorry it was in my
sixth form
there was a class
on Friday
so the way my sixth form
worked
I'd go in for my
double media session right but I lived like five Skype in sixth form is there was a class on Friday. So the way my sixth form worked, I'd go in for my double media session, right?
But I lived like five...
Skyping sixth form is so ridiculous
because it's fucking optional.
It's voluntary.
Well, so this is...
It's like me skyping the night you've died not in.
It's like leaving the tomato off your breakfast
when you went to the buffet to collect your food.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I 100% agree with you, right?
But this was the thing.
So I had a double period in the morning.
Then there was a double period of free time.
So like our break was like two hours long.
And then you had,
but the final lesson wasn't a thing that I signed up for.
It was like a thing where you check in in the week
and you go,
we were 16 years old and you go in
and you watch a video about learning to learn
and the best way for you to,
and I was like,
this is the last thing on a Friday.
I'm not sticking around school for an extra two hours to do this fucking 40
minute class.
Never went once like on the,
from the first week to like 12 weeks in,
like we've had like half term,
we're like broke for Christmas.
And in one week they just clocked that I'd never gone.
And they were like,
we,
we,
you get these things called penalty points where if you get 15,
you're permanently excluded. I was already on like nine and they were like, for each lesson you these things called penalty points, where if you get 15, you're permanently excluded.
I was already on like nine.
And they were like,
for each lesson you skip,
that's a penalty point.
So they were like,
it's permanent exclusion.
They were like,
you're out of there.
Cause I'd skipped.
And I was going like,
right.
Cause I didn't go to this class that you,
that I never signed up for.
Like it wasn't,
it wasn't like a thing.
It wasn't like,
that's not what you want.
And also, I went, just think about this logically logically or the other one was like um so say you were in
for your first period say your first lesson was during uh after that double break i was talking
about right they'd want you to go to registration then you'd go back home there'd be that break and
then you're going for another lesson and i was like absolutely fucking not i'm not getting up early in the morning when i don't have to get up early in
the morning like that's just stupid so i wouldn't go in and i'll be like well you are and i've worked
out because you're inconformant today i'd also worked out this other thing like if i just didn't
go to form and say i went to my first double lesson of the day which was in the morning
you only got a 15 minute detention but form was 20 minutes long so i was like well i'll get an
extra 20 minutes in bed and then I'll just do a 15 minute detention
at the end of the day.
That's like,
and it was a business and enterprise school.
So I was like,
that's shrewd business.
So then.
I've gained five minutes.
So I was like,
but I get an extra bit of a lie in.
You're an effective businessman
because I'm getting more sleep.
But then,
I turned up late to class
like eating ice creams.
I just,
I just worked out
you could do whatever the fuck you want.
I'm hearing this.
I still hear this
for the stuff
for the first time
that he was doing
and you were like
adjacent to it
the whole time
you were like there
as he was coming in
you don't know
you think
you think you know
what's going on
and you
whiskey
I didn't know
until years later
that you'd stolen the whiskey
parents track their kids
no you know
they put like a fucking
it must be hard to parent
with kids on the phone
yeah
you can see where they are
on the airtags
I was very proud yesterday
just by the way
so
my granddaughter
earlier
niece
she's
three
and
her favourite little character
one of the great things
about having a grandchild
is you can bring back
your old material
oh nice so I've with Elliot and his sister One of the great things about having a grandchild is you can bring back your old material. Ah, nice.
So, I've, er, with Elliot and his sister, they used to like this shark, right?
The shark used to come and eat everything.
Give me all your, I'm going to eat your house.
No, no, shark, don't eat my house.
I'm hungry.
Ah, this was only two weeks ago, stop doing it, I still love it.
You're not going to come and eat it, did you enjoy that? Still, still, still still love it you're not going to come in did you enjoy that
still now
I'll get them come in
and do it before bed
I'll take all your drugs
because I'm hungry
so
she likes to shark
and sometimes she'll go
dad dad
because we had a dad dad
is there a shark
and they'll go out the room
come back
and go I'm hungry
I've just eaten your your bedroom oh shark and then i was wanting to go up the co-op right so
that's only about sort of three minutes walk you forgot to snub out a character
the shark the shark's gone up the the co-op uh the race the shark's gone up up there so if we want to see the shark we'll have to go up there he's gone up there he's gone up the co-op race. The shark's gone up there.
So if we want to see the shark, we'll have to go up there.
He's gone up there.
He's eaten all the food.
All right, then, so we go up the co-op.
And then I go into one little aisle and come out.
And I go, I have eaten all the sandwiches and the pizzas.
But you mustn't tell anybody that you saw me.
All right, then, shark.
And then I went back and come back as me.
And I said, I can't find the shark
have you seen him
no
you haven't seen the shark
anywhere at all
no
and I thought
my granddaughter's
not a snitch
I was
Elliot used to
rat that shark
out on the table
he used to
fucking knock knock on the tape he used to fucking knock
knock on the
shark
I was just
going to say
I was like the
first
you know
I talk about
phones and that
so I was like
the first generation
of like phones
coming into school
like that being
like smartphones
being in
smartphones
I took a Nokia
into sixth form
for sure
I mean like
to the point of which, like,
they didn't know how to deal with the problem of it.
Like, it was like, in my school, they had a thing like,
if we see your phone, we take it, your parent has to come in and get it.
But because it was like, which is, when you really think about it,
it's a really stupid thing to do.
Because people need phones now.
And there was one, I was in sixth form, where you'd rang me, actually,
and my phone went off
and i turned it off i went oh sorry about that and put it away and the teacher went oh you gotta
hand me the phone i went oh i'll hand you the phone for the rest of the lesson but like it's
friday it's about to be the weekend my parents aren't going to come in and get the phone i'm
then without a phone for a weekend and i'm going out i went like say i needed a call my parents
for say something happened like just logically
it's better I have my phone and she was like well no you need to give it to me and I just went like
yeah but you're not gonna get it I was like so let's drop this now because like we're just
wasting everyone's time and so she went well I've got a code to call corridor support which is just
oh you're is that just one of the nerdy kids? No, it's one of the teachers. Some teacher comes and I'm like,
I was like, you can go get the president of the United States.
I'm not handing over the phone.
Like, it's not happening.
That would have been quite something.
You're at the army, I'm at the school.
You're in the fucking...
But like, no one, you can't physically...
That would be quite a call to the White House.
I'm afraid I'm too busy at the moment, sir.
So I was just, so it ended up,
it's like they kept going up a ladder.
But it's the kid that won the war against Afghanistan.
It's an important delegate.
So it eventually ends up with me
and like the head teachers of it.
Because they sent me out a club
They were doing all these things and I was good, but the whole time I know I still don't know
I was logically I was great
I was going you're dragging me out of education now for a thing that you could just be reasonable one
Like I know that going off like I was in the wrong this whole time. Nobody's learning
The class is starting to disengage because she's now arguing with Elliot people people were going in the class
I don't hand over the phone, like the kids in the class started
coming on my side
my mate Jacob got sent out
my mate Jacob got sent out
because he was there going like
right so we're meant to be doing something today
and we're not because you can't back down on this
like he came out like
this is stupid, so he ended up with me in the
head teacher's office, there's like 5 minutes that this has gone on
like the whole period and he's gone like, look can stupid. So he ended up with me in the head teacher's office. There's like five minutes that this has gone on, like the whole period.
And he's going like, look,
can you just give me the phone?
You'll go back to class and then come back here
and I'll give you the phone back.
I was like, all right.
So I gave him the phone and I came back five minutes later
and he gave me this like lecture on like, you know,
needing a respect authority and gave me the phone back and i was just like the whole time going like
that was a risk on your part because that teacher would have been like psyched motherfucker
that was the only possible outcome in the end but i i get what you're saying but like that's
where school i was glad i did school but i think there's a thing where it teaches you the thing
with sometimes authority or something.
You should question authority.
You should question that.
Like,
uh,
right.
You know,
when a company has a rule in place,
like,
you know,
when you get somewhere
and they're like,
Oh,
we can't do that,
sir.
And you go,
why?
Why?
You can't,
you can't be a nuisance
enough to the point
where you go,
that's not a law.
That's not a thing.
You're just trying to stop me.
So it's like a cafe
that goes,
you can have bacon and egg, bacon and beans, but you can't have egg and beans because we don't do egg and beans. It's not on the menu, so we're not going to stop me so it's like a cafe that goes you can have bacon and egg, bacon and beans but you can't
have egg and beans because we don't do egg and beans
it's not on the menu so we're not going to do it
so you have to
but you can
so I remember
two instances I remember
from parents evening, one
was the
teacher who said that she told you off because
uh you'd said i just don't think that you listen to us you remember this you just don't listen to
us miss uh i feel that when when we say anything to you i might as well be saying it to those
flowers over there remember this and then a little bit later in the lesson she said
elliot have you got anything to say and you went over and said it to the flowers yeah and the class
all laughed and that made her angry and then another one and this one this guy actually told
me this and he was quite nerdy geography teacher mr dolan mr dolan but i quite liked him and he
said that what he said yes well he asked
interesting questions and he seems to take an interest and he's been doing quite well and
obviously there's room for improvement i said oh thank you very much mr dolan so there is just one
incident i should mention mr still i said god what's that he said well we were doing a project
on britain's seaside towns and i asked the class if they had any particular seaside town that was their personal
favourite and your son very quickly
put his hand up and said Brighton
and I said oh why Brighton
and he said because Margaret Thatcher was nearly
killed there
laughter
that's what he said in school
and he even announced the Crystal Palace
as an arch nemesis for Reagan
just so he could laugh the joke
because I could not have said Sunderland And now it's still like Crystal Palace's arch nemesis, just so you could laugh the joke.
Because I could not have said Sunderland.
Even if Margaret Thatcher was actually killed in Sunderland,
I couldn't have said Sunderland.
I don't remember.
I don't remember.
But there was, do you remember the one where the,
I got in an argument with the teacher because she said Che Guevara was Cuban.
Oh, yeah.
He was Argentinian. And he was cuban oh yeah and i got sent to
the head teacher there was this teacher and we were doing a thing about shea guevara she's talking
about it was cuban i went i wasn't cuban he was argentinian and she got in and she got a bit rude
she was like i think she was a substitute teacher and she went well you know i've got a history
degree and i went wow and you're teaching a class and then i went and then i did pull i went uh my
dad only like wrote a bbc show about it but you know you've got a history degree and then I went and then I did pull I went my dad only like wrote a BBC show about it
but you know
you've got a history degree
and then so
I was like
you know like
like my dad hasn't got
a history degree
and got a BBC show
out of it
but you know
well done being a substitute
I'm sure his editors
wouldn't have let it through
if it was a lie
yeah well
and like
because she did get
like but I know
I was being a cunt
but she got cunty
so I got sent
to the head teacher's office
and she was like
well you've got to apologise
and I'm like I'm not apologising for being correct I'm not apologising for being correct like I was being a cunt, but she got cunty. So I got sent to the head teacher's office and she was like, well, you've got to apologise.
And I'm like,
I'm not apologising for being correct.
I'm not apologising for being correct.
I was like,
I'll apologise for the way I was aborted.
No, not even that.
Fuck her, innit?
You're a substitute teacher.
There was a guy that was a trade union official,
quite a prominent trade union official.
And he,
you know,
he's one of everything.
Everything's a little bit
of a confrontation with him.
And he was telling me, he said, all right, they got a little bit of a confrontation with him and he was telling me,
he said,
all right,
they got my parents,
my daughter,
my daughter was like 12 or something like that,
right,
and he says,
so the teacher said,
I've got a race issue with you
because she questioned me
in class about something
and I said,
all right,
did she?
And she was sat there,
I said,
did you question him in class?
She said,
I did,
dad,
yeah,
I said,
what did you question him about?
And she told me
and I said,
right, so was you wrong? And he said, being wrong is not uh is not a matter sir and i said but was you wrong and he said well that's not the issue at stake i said well i'm asking you
was you wrong and he said well i said was you wrong and he went well yeah i was wrong but on
this occasion i've got 10 quid out of my pocket. I said, there you are, darling. Always remember to question people when they're wrong.
Right, that's it.
He's also the same bloke who was sort of emceeing this big political rally.
I can't remember what the issue was now in London.
Somewhere, thousands of people there.
And he was sort of introducing various people, and I was about to go and speak.
And he went, I can now tell you, this is all the crowd,
he said, I can now tell you that very proudly
this demonstration on Twitter is currently trending above Ebola.
That's the goal,
that's where we all want to be.
We want to be trending
above all this.
Man,
I could do this all day.
This has been talking class
finding out about your school days
and shit from your dad's perspective.
I was such a little cunt
when I was retelling those stories.
I'm in a room and all of this.
But I've got an eight hour drive
back to Glasgow
because we've just done a few dates of the tour. We've those stories I was like I'm in the wrong but I've got an eight hour drive back to Glasgow because we've just done
a few dates of the tour
we've just
we're like a week
into the tour
there's plenty more dates
to see
kaihunfries.com
if you want to see me
it's been good
can't do some
Newcastle dates with you
yeah please do
that breaking gig
was meant last night
and yeah
thanks for having us here
do you have a tour
to plug yourself Mark
oh I've got a tour
to plug
it's been announced
when does this go out
this will be out tomorrow it's been announced when does this go out this will be out
tomorrow
it's been announced
on the 24th
so I think there's
about 40 dates
coming up
I don't know where
they are but
they'll be all over
the place
yeah so keep an eye
if Mark Steele's
going to be coming
to somewhere near you
and go see him
because he's class
and Elliot you've
got your social
yeah I'll be announcing
things within the
next few months
and yeah I'll see you
on the road and I'll
see you on the next
podcast thank you
very much