Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Silent Auction

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

Cream wins an award and gets over zealous at a charity auction while Muggins readies up for a lads holiday and celebrates his dog's birthday under the guise of an anniversary weekend. They also recorded your Patreon bonus episode with Jean which will be with you all on Thursday.

Hello. Well, I mean, good Monday if you're a Patreon listener and if you're a regular tightwad. Welcome to Wednesday's episode of Sloss and Humphries on the Road. This week, well, we've kind of changed the studio a bit. We're in the middle of a makeover. So you can see it kind of done. Sometimes people show you before and afters and you can see, oh my God, it's so different. We're not doing that. You're seeing every increment of slight improvement so I do enjoy it if you're on the visual podcast today audibly we speak about

kaisof and stag do-ish kind of and then obviously we speak about abortions for a bit and it's, I imagine what every single podcast of two straight white men has been for this past five days which is just as awkwardly dancing around a topic that we don't know too much about, but we know we're passionate about it.

We don't uncover any new territory, but boy, do we look liberal while we do it. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!

They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? So we're doing a double podcast record. Yes. We've just had Gene on for the bonus episode on Thursday. Yeah. And we're doing A double podcast record Yes We've just had Gene on For the bonus episode On Thursday Yeah And we're doing

Mondays now Yeah So this will be Hot off the press And Anyone that's watching On Visuals

Which again We're just going to keep Pushing you towards that Because that's where The big bucks is I'm assured We've moved The table

To a different part of the room this is progress isn't it oh still not that second camera angle we spoke about but hey 5% of the way in our direction isn't it and the room's still a mess but all the mess is on that side you can't see it you couldn't see it before

can't see it now but you know we've got not more wall to decorate now we've got windows've got more wall to decorate now we've got windows the majority of people are listening yeah look are you bored of our chat

open the window look outside there you go nice isn't it now they're just getting Danny they're just trying to get glare

off so the reason we're doing a double bill podcast and recording them both today is because I go on holiday on Thursday yes

on what i can only describe as the in-betweeners having a midlife crisis lads holiday that matty just pulled out of his ass matty was just saying oh i'm turning 40 would you like to text this guy do you want to go somewhere for the 40th i was like i'd be up for that i got for a drink with matty on his 40th why not local spoons one of my best pals I'm going fancy going abroad somewhere

I'm like sure let's go Matthew is now organising the Wayne Lineker experience just like he's booked

an ocean beach in Marbella oh god you know the place where like rich Russians go and they'll get like

10 grand bottles of champagne we went to oceans beach is that where we were I was thinking that I think so. I was wondering if it was that one but

I was like Are me fat bald Geordie mates going up? Pay 150 for a bottle of vodka I'll be more than that actually. This is what's funny but it was like I was going to Natalie

often when you walk past these exclusive like beach bars where they've got like resort beds that you pay like fucking 60 to 100 pun to get a bed

and then like more to get a bottle of vodka you look in it's all like very attractive people it's like fucking Jolie Shore like ripped to shreds

like good looking lasses that are potent for Instagram and all that right and you're like oh fucking hell like it looks good in there like now people are going to be whacking by again.

Thank God they've caged them blokes. Thank God they're keeping us safe from them. They've got them cordoned in. Is there any part of it that's like golf? I mean, I'm going to try and swing for that. I know. I'm going to try and swing for that. I know. I'm going to try and... Thanks, man.

I'm going to try and angle it so that we're doing activities accustomed to middle-aged people and not just floating around nightclubs full of posers, which is what I think... You know how Marty's like Marion Young? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's having her holiday Isn't he Yeah

Yeah Like I feel that Matty He's allowed to go to He's allowed to go to Marbella But it's to You know Play the clubs there You know

Well you know Golf clubs It's to go to the beach It's to You know Go down near the strip We like to drink near the strip it's not to walk into nightclubs

like somebody's dad's brought his mates to beat up some lad that's giving them shit aye yeah how many of you are going? I think there's about

ten of us but it's like I don't I don't get why it's a lad's holiday like why is a me and Natalie not like why is Amir and Natalie not going

why is why like well because I'm pretty sure at one point Matt was like I've had to go somewhere for my 40th

and Amir was like me too and he was like oh I'm inviting Kai she was like you can go and then you were like I'm off on holiday

with Matt and Amir was like, cool, have fun. And then that happened a bunch of other times with a bunch of other blokes. I reckon that's what happened. I don't know why we're having a sausage fest holiday. Yeah. Well, who are the other blokes that are going? And I'll tell you why.

Everyone's married. Aye. Like Sean, Can, lovely lads, Bushy. But like, I'd rather if like the Amy's were there and Natalie, because Brucey's got Natalie as well. We've all got Amy's and Natalie's basically. I'm like, I'd rather we went as a group of 20 in a villa and we had a bit of balance instead of,

it's going to be like a stag do, but no one's getting married. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just, you're inevitably going to do the things. I mean, Matty is getting married and Can, who's a guest there, is getting married, but that's not what it's been organised as. This is just a 40th birthday. You could spring it on them.

You could be like, hey, congrats, it's your stag do, and then just make them drink shit that they don't want to drink. Minimal effort. Turn up with a shirt. Stag do with the S crossed out. It's safe to say they're not listening to this podcast did it no no i think i just i think matty sometimes does does he sometimes but not often i can't really plan it on this podcast can i then no no can definitely doesn't listen to this

can doesn't no and they're definitely not patrons are they so if the day you get it it's going to be when it comes around wednesday i reckon i reckon you can spring it on well tell you what that's the game. If one of them is a good enough friend to actually listen to podcasts, they... That's the end.

Daddy, I've bought a fucking, I've bought a bunch of shit to put them in. We've got Al... Because it's Can and Matt. They're both getting married.

Yes, it's one of their stag do's. And, Can, Matt, he does get an abroad stag do because

it's his first wedding. Yeah, yeah. Right. And he's marrying abroad, soty does get an abroad stag do because it's his first wedding. Yeah, yeah. Right? And he's marrying abroad, so. He's marrying abroad? Yeah. He's marrying abroad? Abroad.

Or he's marrying abroad? Both. So, Matty gets an overseas stag do, right? Yes. Because we're going to, like, take him somewhere, right? This isn't specifically his stag but Khan gets

an at home one because he keeps getting married all the time not everybody gets fully to hold

every company well the people are getting married too man so we're going to organise

something at home for him but we're like oh this is the same group of friends

so everybody is just bringing shit to put him in I've bought this lovely fish net top

like really wide fish nets long sleeve right not just that I can so everybody's just bringing shit to put him in I've bought this lovely fishnet top right like really wide fishnets long sleeve right not just because you look class wearing it but because the tan lines

are going to be about that but you act like he's not turning up already tanned who can? aye is he not one of those like

you go tan before you go That's not Nah Cannes isn't nice Pasty boy Okay So I've got that

Obviously we've got like A Tottenham top for Matty And a Sunderland top for Cannes Because like Because they both love those teams And We're going to be playing football together

So you know They might as well be on their favourite team's top Big fans And we like to appeal to them Yeah One of the lads Because we've decided like we're going to be playing football together so you know they might as well be on their favourite team's top big fans and we like the appeal to them yeah one of the lads because we've decided like if you just bring something each

yeah one of the lads has got you know the flame shirt oh sick yeah dude yeah I was talking

I bet he had one of them honestly probably I bet you absolutely had one of them when I was a teenager almost definitely yeah yeah yeah I was a teenager almost yeah yeah I'm pretty sure I used to have t-shirts with like

fucking cartoon drawn cars on them because I was like that looks fucking sick when I found it it was titled Y2K flame shirt and I was like aye I should have just asked you for yours I didn't mean to get in with this we've obviously got the

dissolvable seams swim shorts so that when he's out having a swim in Ocean Beach his boxers turn into cordial right hold on so wait wait wait hold on so are they losing their luggage

are you intending for them to lose their luggage actually like we're not going to do much to Matty his stag's coming. You're not getting away from it. Like, Matty, do you think they are getting away from your stag by having a shotgun stag of your own making? Aye.

Right? We're going to hijack your birthday, which you've been looking forward to the attention of your birthday, and we're going to make it can't stag do. That's what's happening. I wasn't going to talk about it on the podcast in case they listened, but here it is. Aye.

So we, Can's got no idea. He's going to Mattie's 40th aye one of his other best men isn't even coming because he couldn't make it

so I've got I've just I've just got questions about hit me how are you going to get him to wear

the dissolvable swimwear which I also have further questions so this is first question of many

right so it's it's a stag right we tell you what to wear obviously these the basic just red shorts I have further questions. This is the first question of many. Right, so it's a stag, right? We tell you what to wear. Obviously, they're basically just red shorts where they've got on, right? It's hard to get them to wear them as a joke because they just look like decent shorts.

Aye. But we'll put it as a package. We'll give them up with the fishnet or we'll give them up with a fucking Sunderland top or something. We didn't get Sunderland shorts, so we're going to package it up with that. Yeah. Right? And we're just going to, like, everyone we're going to package it up with that. Yeah. Right?

And we're just going to, everyone's just going to bring some shit to put him in. He's got no idea. He's gone to Matt, he's 40th. Next thing you know, he's going to have his cock on an ocean beach. This is why you need to bring women on a holiday. You need to have balance.

It's going to be fucking chaos nobody knows what's happening it hasn't been organised so he's just going to end up the seams dissolve and then it comes off and he's going to be yes yeah yeah

the seams of your show it's turning to dust I was going to say water yeah that didn't even know that gives me anxiety so much I didn't even know

that was a thing I didn't even know that's a fear I just have it and I'm like hey can I borrow some of yours no no no

I'll wear my own underwear I'm not oh god one of my friends is on a stag do at the moment and they've dressed the stag up as Jimmy Savile. Great comedy. In a shell suit, cigar

and all that. They've all dressed as children. So it's just Jimmy Savile, Gan, Riga with a bunch of children. That's pretty good. So we've got a few days before, Gan gone we're just literally like in a splinter group whatsapp

without Matty in because Matty doesn't know that his 40th's been hijacked yeah completely hijacked like enjoy your birthday

on your own time yeah organise your own 40th holiday like we're kind of I'll have holders for our 40th come on mate

overstretching their like pincer yeah so do you think it would be funny if we don't even acknowledge it's his birthday on his birthday do it the day after

or do his birthday yeah or just happy birthday the day before and then be like alright thanks and be like where were we

are you getting him any gifts I didn't think so like what should I get him what should I get Mat em what should I get Matty for his birthday I'll get him a gift I'm going on holiday

yeah don't be like I'm going on holiday I'm doing a favourite you're going on his holiday and hijacking it so yeah I reckon you might have

a fucking gift oh I'm going to get him something that's just dead annoying to put in his suitcase I'll get him something big when I'm out there make him buy luggage

em I'll get him something big when I'm out there make him buy luggage we can go on holiday now we can not you and me Cara's and Caelan's passport oh shit it arrived after all this fucking time yeah

finally has been returned to us aye aye so he's going to go anywhere nice yeah we're coming on Cass Stag do yeah

me and Caelan just leave them nearby oh mate get him to take Caelan to the swimming pool while he's got his dissolvable pants on

and just he instantly goes from like doting doting friend that gets called uncle to creepy fuck uncle

absolutely I feel like oh my god yeah would you go on my fuck called uncle to creepy fuck uncle. Absolutely, I feel like, oh my god. Do you call him a fuck uncle? Creepy as fuck uncle. Creepy fuck uncles work. That's my creepy fuck uncle. You know, like you've got fuck buddies and you've got fuck uncles. Well, this is my

creepy fuck uncle. I've got regular uncles that I just fuck on the side. My sister tried to coin the term funcle because I was a fun uncle. Yeah. But now, it sounds like funcle. Your sister didn't. She tried to coin that.

Yeah, well, like how you invented egg fried rice. She thinks she's the first person to come up with funcle. No, no, no. I mean, she tried to make it stick with us. Right, got it. Understood. I do understand that I didn't say coin the term. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, if your sister's walking around and she's like, I'm the first person to put fun and uncle together. Oh, she's the first one to say guesstimate. That's a good one. And it makes that a funnier word that applies to, you know. Guestimate is absolute muggle corner. Yes, 100%.

If I was to bring back muggle corner, guesstimate needs to go in. Well, I think Muggley is to shorten any two things together it's like Brangelina even if you do that

with your friends and we do that with our friends you know casually you know never put Muggle Corner live and rent free

in your head and I don't know if that's just become Muggley recently no but it is absolute Muggle Corner any time anyone's like oh live and rent free in your head I'm like oh And I don't know if that's just become muggled recently. No, but it is absolute muggle core. Anytime anyone's like, oh, I live in rent-free, in your head,

I'm like, oh. You've learned that catchphrase, have you? I know that it's been... Somebody said that originally, and it was very, very funny, and then there was the slave to you that heard it for the first time afterwards, and we all laughed the first time we heard it. And then we also laughed the first two or three times we used it, and then... It's got a whole new layout to it now, because I would say it to you or Cullen the first two or three times we used it and then it's got a whole new layer to it now

because I would say it to like you or Cullen or Gareth or something right just because I know how much it would fucking just

rock you to your corner here that mugglery it's such a yeah it's one of those things where it's a verbal equivalent

of what's wrong nothing no but what's wrong like it's the act of doing the thing is the wind up itself like it's you know

but you seem so angsty you're getting wound up I'm not getting wound up I'm just speaking louder you know that shit Pascoe living rent free I think that's your first Pascoe reference. It is.

Aye, aye. Aye, aye. Just start charging a rent, that's right. Start doing my rent. So it's once a month now and then, you know, aye. Just squat us rates. So also, so I'm going away on a last leg of fucking weird

stag that isn't a stag in between us midlife crisis lads holiday I'll be going on my first family holiday at some point within the next couple of weeks

family holiday but also we won an award last week and I haven't spoken to you about it yet we won the fourth fringe award for the best show at the fringe thanks for going to Collective Yes

No I think it was just Best Artist Was it? Yeah And it's like And it's written on there As that What does it say?

Best Artist Best Artist Best Artist Yeah Because I've won one of them awards before On a solo venture On a solo venture that I did And it was Best show of the fringe 2016

Kai Humphries In full colour So and it was like the same It was like on a board award They haven't changed the brand on the awards So I think I was shocked to have won it for a second time I'm pretty sure it just says my fucking name

I mean mine definitely does just say my name and not the fringe title of the show but it says best show best show I don't think I won best show I think I won best artist because I am obviously it's really awkward because I've been celebrating the award that we won not just as the fourth fringe award

did you know you were going to win it yeah what no I went there for fun Because I did last time I said that Purely to be a snarky dick We did go there for fun Because

Well it was going to be me and Cara's First day Off from like She was like Her parents were down babysitting She got mollered Aye So we had it in

So we turned up to, because it was like, here's a fucking piss up that you can do for charity. And also, you know, you get to fucking dress up and there's an award in it, blah, blah, blah. So we went along

and it went pretty chaotic, pretty fucking quickly because we got in there and we were straight on the bubbles and Cara's not good with bubbles. She can put away heaps of booze, but if it... Vodkas are poison. Yeah. Cara can put away heaps of booze but if Vodka's a poison

yeah Cara can put away lots of vodka but if you put bubbles in her three bubbles will fucking ruin her so we have like two bubbles and then we go can you just

vodka lemonade from her and they're like it's not we don't do singles it's just by the bottle and I'm like oh you know what fuck it

it's for charity even though this is just the bar but that was going to be my catchphrase for the rest of the evening it's for charity, I can do what I want so I'm like, we'll just get a bottle for the table everyone else will drink some vodka, that's absolutely fine and then the guy at the other side of the table Michael, who's one of the producers

at Forthbomb were at his table with Boogie and Arlene and everything, he's like who ordered the vodka? We're like, we'll pay for it it's just they didn't do single ones so we had to buy a bottle. He's like, no, no,

normally this is like a really boring table and everyone's dry here. If you guys want vodka, great, so and that's it. And we're like, no, now we're mortified

because we obviously, we have to pay for this thing because we can't order a bottle of vodka and then have somebody else pay for it. That will make us feel like a dick. And then he insisted, well, basically he and Karen

decided to split the bottle of vodka they end up getting mullered over the course of the dinner, I'm on the wine, I'm on the bubbles early on, I think I've told you this story through text but I don't think you enjoyed it as much as you could have slash

even read it when I put it in the group right, I don't keep fully up with whatsapp groups anymore I've tapped out you could have slash even read it when I put it in the group. Right. I don't keep fully up with WhatsApp groups anymore. Right. I've tapped out of the 600 message catch-ups. So you don't know about this island auction? No. Oh.

I know nothing about this island auction. This is news to me. Right. All right. So it's Cash for Kids, which which is a really great charity in Edinburgh. Forth are always supporting it and raising so much money for them. So this was an award ceremony to give out to a lot of local acts. Callum Beatty was there.

It's a chance for people to go and get fucking cashed in. Comedian or musician? Musician. Really good musician. And then there's tables, restaurants, best restaurant. So all the nominees are there. And you win the award for that best. Teacher was one of them, there's tables of those. And then eventually the public can buy some of the seats at the Usher Hall because there's live music on

throughout the thing, Cal and B plays, all these other people. So we turn up and we're all dressed up nice, and me and Cara are out fully with the intention of getting more. And it starts at 12, so we're like, this is ideal, we can get day drunk. Last time I was there, because I was booked to

perform. And I was performing for free, but it was for a charity, but I lived in London. And me and Gene knew that you were going to get the award and knew you were going to be asked to perform. So we got you stoned as fuck beforehand. And I think you're drunk. There's actually a podcast

in the archives. Yeah, off. From's actually a podcast in the archives from 2016 where we come in drunk from that. Yes. No, no, you come back drunk. I wasn't there with you. Me and Gene stayed at home and you returned to us and yelled at us because you didn't know you were winning the awards. That's how drunk I was. I thought I was with you. Yeah. Ah, there you go. And it was like making the mechanics and Paul Young, They had some kind of renowned artists that your parents loved. It was just you that won it. Is that why you thought my name would also be on your awards? No, no, it was only you won the awards.

I knew that. Right, right. I was making a joke that you won the same award I won, but I didn't have an opening act. Yeah, right. So I was saying it was our award. I thought you understood my mistake. Just what I was doing.

You won an award. So we go to this dinner. I'm on the champagnes. I'm on the red wine. Cara's drinking the vodka. There's a silent auction there. And I'm like, cool. New money.

That sounds fun. There might be something up there that I want. And there's a bottle of whiskey. And it's like two grand. And Cara just touches my knee and goes don't and I'm like fair enough fair enough

that does sound like me and I would be that sort of arsehole but I'm also like you'd probably break it open when you were drunk as well yeah but I also said to Cara I'm like look

this is all for charity this is all for a good thing and also we've not been out for fucking ages I'm like look I'm going to be silly and I intend to I'm going to buy something

it's not about the purchase it's about the money it's about the charity i've never been i've never had money to be at silent auction before allow me to indulge myself like a fucking wanker while i'm at this event when it's quite easy to enjoy yourself being a bit of a wanker um so there's one thing that's uh it's a speed boat pub crawl around Loch Lomond for seven people oh nice right

aye right so they will take you to a speed pole take you one side to a pub get your fucking shit face there put you back on while you're on that speed pole

drive you over there you can drink there there's another pub that's it seven people I'm like that is what me and my friends

all over that is right now it's valued at it says it says sorry here's my mistake. It says minimum bid, 800, right? Now, my dumb ass, my stupid dumb ass, drunk ass, never been to an event like this before,

goes, oh, that's the value. That's what they're doing there. They're putting the value of the item there so that you know what to bid. Because I think it's like you put in a bid and then that's it you don't know if you've won until the end you don't know if you've put in the highest so do you think it's like ebay where like the bids are the bids up to like 850 but if you put a thousand it'll only go up as other people bid no no i clearly think that what it is is you don't

get to know anyone else's bet you only get to know your bet so if you want to win it you have to sort of bid the highest whatever the highest bid wins but it's not it's literally not competing silent auction that's what I think it is so I'm like right well nothing's going to fucking sell for like half of what it's value is like this is everyone's in a fucking

suit here right and it's fourth it's a really big radio thing like everyone in this bit's gonna have money people are just gonna be putting on big big so i bet i think 1400 right on this thing and my bed comes off between dial sauce first bit of the day 1400 on the thing it kind of like did you just bid 600 over the minimum bid? And I'm like, oh, I now know what this is. Like, you have to put the minimum bid down and then that's,

and then you bid that. And then of course, because it's a fucking auction. Of course, it's a silent auction. You actually took all of the fun out of the auction. No. You're like, having that, nobody else.

Yeah, yeah. I just, just double, double it in fucking price. And I sat there going, I'm such a stupid idiot. Like, of course, of course you put the minimum bid in and then you put down 850. Then somebody outbids it, 900.

And that's why the evening goes on for a while. Aha, aha. You fucking stupid idiot, Daniel. So I'm sat there and Cara's like, you are a, I'm like, yeah. Go on, go on, go on. What's the next item? I hope he's didn't boop babies

other things are going up by 20 by 50 some of them are really good some of them are like a

fucking you know a weekend stay at the Monaco Grand Prix and the starting bid for that is four and a

half thousand right and I think that went up to like seven or eight like people are putting

big money but my dumb ass on something that is you know it's a speed boat trip

around Loch Lomond it'll be class it's not fucking 1400 quid but I'm a dumb ass I'm that is you know it's a speed boot trip around Loch Lomond it'll be class it's not fucking 1400 quid but I'm a dumb ass

I'm like it's for charity right I'll wash my I'll accept the roasting that I deserve for not understanding this very easy to understand

simple fucking thing everyone can fucking laugh at me ha ha ha and also I've won this thing it's for charity me and my friends will have fun with it

someone I pity Marlena outbids me by 50 right it comes up MZ bids

40, 50 she taps me and laughs and goes ah I've outbid you because she clearly thinks

I really want this thing right so she outbids it Craig's laughing everyone at the table is laughing because they're like that's funny she's outbid him on this thing right so she opens it Craig's laughing everyone at the table's laughing because they're like that's funny she's outbid him on this thing that he wants three minutes pass

oh she thinks you're going to outbid her again she thinks you're going to outbid her again and you're just saying oh thank fuck I could have been had a monocle for that much so I start laughing I'm like, fuck. I could have been had at Monaco for that much.

So I start laughing. She's like, why have you not bid me? I'm like, congratulations on your prize. Oh no. She's like, what?

And I'm like, she's like, I bid me. I'm like, I don't know. And she's like, I'll not invite you. And I'm like,

fair enough. It's your prize. And then she's like, I'll not invite you. And I'm like, fair enough. It's your prize. And then she's like, what? Look, she took it with a very, very good sense of humor, but she's like,

she's like, I'll invite Cara. I'll invite your brothers. I'll invite your mum and your dad. I'll invite Craig and you'll be the only one not invited. And I'm like, and me and Kaylin, I'll sit at home

having not spent double the asking price so did you let it take my word she won it she won it and she only bidded because she thought

you wanted it that much that you'd easily go and she actually just got you off the hook incredible good agent and then did you buy anything else

because you must have felt like you had pockets full of money and you still want to give to the charity yes I so I did I did I did go out And then did you buy anything else with the, because you must have felt like you had a pocket full of money. Oh, yeah. And you still want to give to the charity. Yes, I, so I did, I did, I did go out, I did start bidding on the whiskey at one point, but then somebody went up to three grand and I was like,

what am I doing? What am I doing? And I know who I am. I'm like, I will crack it open when I'm fucking drunk and finish it in one fucking session. It'll be like, Dan, you're just doing it. So you didn't win any of the other bids? no I did

what have you got? I won a last season's Celtic top because I was like I'll get it I've done I've done

but he does he's a fan of old school Celtic so what does that mean? he doesn't like them anymore? no he does now but he's like I'll take it

but he's like if you don't want to we've got other friends who are like big Celtic Like You know He could give a prize on this Could do

I imagine there's at least One fucking Fijian out there Aye So should we put it To the dads Well no no no Hold on Because I think

It's kind of saying One of her friends Might have a Kid who's a big Tease Tease you like that No But I'm not going to Rip out of the hands Of a child Celtic fan Fair enough Aye might have a kid who's a big I can't tease teasing you like that no but I'm not going to

rip out of the hands of a child Celtic fan fair enough aye fair enough if it was a if it was a tiny Rangers fan

I would have bought it just to burn it I've never seen you like this apart from if there's bits in your orange if your water's fizzy if there's bits in your orange if your water's fizzy if there's bits in my fizzy water

that would that would enrage me so I won that and then and then we ended up oh god I mean Cara can put away

a bottle of vodka but when she feels like she owes it to the table to put away a bottle of vodka she came out so drunk and she was like i managed to steal this and it was a bottle of red wine that she doesn't drink and was free i snuck this out and like you wouldn't need this gift from a charity they tried they tried to maybe put it in a gift bag but no no i snuck it up under my top they tried to make me put it in a gift bag but no no

I snuck it up under my top ha ha ha got him I've got a bonus pick for you uh oh you tried to make out that I took a weekend off work for me dog's birthday

no and that bothered me a lot it bothered me a lot I pointed the finger at my wife going why you making him think that and she's like chill out mate chill out, mate.

Chill out while you're angry. Have your coffee. I had to go up me lass because you thought I was taking the weekend off for me dog's birthday. It wasn't even me that said it. Cara said that to me. I was going, I was going,

I've never pulled a gig in my life. So I've been with you three times when we've pulled gigs because we were like we can't be arsed with this one today.

Oh no no we've done some we've pulled some gigs on the tour because we're Fred Bear. But like I would have still done them.

And even now I would have. Even now I would have been there. Like, needing blood tests because your fucking stress levels are too high. I couldn't be here. Even now I would have been there. Because I can't... Sorry, you tell your story. I'll tell you... Sorry, you tell your story first.

I'll tell you what happened. And I did pull... I don't often pull gigs, right? But I pulled this gig because I was coming back off your stag and then driving seven hours to Skegness to do a couple of gigs doing that way, right? And then driving back

and then going away for Matty's 40th, right? And then driving back and then going away for Matty's 40th, right? And it was just this absolute fucking luma. Like, the tour finishes, I've got these

weekends away, parties, right? I fucking have, I've just got this fucking seven hour, 14 hour return journey to Skegness

and it's like, me agent books the gig with not our, not my, anyway, I'm getting too deep into it and then gareth had just done it that the weekend before the stag and died on his hoop and in butlins oh for 13 minutes he's booked at 8 20 dies on his hoop for 13 minutes and i'm

like in the middle of me holidays i've got this 40 hour drive to skagness right and that that weekend is a me anniversary weekend. Not when we got married in Ibiza, but when we done a secret sign in the paper, as in London, so that it got officiated. So that we could have,

Natalie hates it when I call the wedding in Ibiza a veneer. But it was. It was the show when, it's the one that we're celebrating stuff. But we had to do the paperwork, the documentation,

the contract at home on the 23rd of june right and it was that weekend and i'm like let's go to clayton castle and book a meal and have like an anniversary weekend in the middle of this instead of doing skagness and like with a heavy heart pulled the gigs from that weekend i've never pulled gigs right but it was looming and I knew I'd be in a better place if I pulled them. Never pull gigs. The next morning, you're like, did he pull a gig? I said, it's Peggy's birthday.

I mean, Peggy's birthday does happen to be on my anniversary. It's very coincidental. You came straight in. Like, if that's how you want to spin it, I'm like, oh, I'm just, I've received some information from Cara. Like, if that's how you want to spin it, I'm like, I've received some information from Cara. Oh, can that leave me professional credibility on the line here?

I'm pulling a gig because it's my dog's birthday. I mean, I did. I did pull a gig on my dog's birthday. Yeah. If you want to look at it like that. Yeah, and that is the lens. But the way I'd like to spin it Is the The 30 minute story I've just told Or you could just go

For our actual You know Anniversary You could have just not The mental health stuff I could have just not made a fuss Could I Made it look like

You'd hit a nerve I remember When we played Southern League football Sean didn't turn up one morning and a good footballer

Sean and Al he's a miss you know what I mean like if Sean's not there like he's due to my side and Al he's going to be right back alright okay aye

Sean didn't tip up because his dog's bum was bleeding and I just ran back and you're not turning up to football because your dog's bum's bleeding

man if my dog's bum was bleeding, you wouldn't see me at football. I get it now. I'm 20 years too late. But I get it. Why was his dog's bum bleeding? Shagging it too hard. That wasn't even. I was asking a genuine medical club.

I wasn't doing an underarm throw. Shagging it way too hard. Not that he shouldn't have been shagging it just doing it too hard it was a girl dog I don't know why he had to do it up the arse

I don't know man probably just an excuse we have probably hung over weren't we speaking of how to mistreat your animals so Ray is now

deaf definitely deaf and also we've reckoned a little bit blind she's on her way out Cara doesn't like that term but she is this cat is circling the drain

we've made her happy she's comfortable how many times have you said goodbye just in case she wasn't there when you woke up oh not that many but let's be 100% real we got this cat

at the start of lockdown 2020 and my mum was like you know you'll get a good couple of years out of her she's like 14 or I think my mum gave her

she's like 11 or 12 years old and then within like two weeks Ray got ill with some liver stuff we took her to the vet the vet was like how old is she we were like 11

we come back three hours later and he's like just to let you know this cat's 14 years old and plus also here are a bunch of health problems we've just discovered. So we thought she was dead then. My mum felt really bad. She was like I can't

believe I've just given Cara who's grieving the loss of her other cat. Last year's cat. Which term that she still doesn't like. She never did like that one. No, no, never been a fan. Are you talking about real last year's cat? She hates it. So my mum's just like,

I've just given you another dying cat. Cara, obviously, because she loves animals in general, but going through this, then attaches herself fully to Ray. And then Ray pulls through. The thing that we think is a tumour isn't a fucking tumour.

And it's fine. And it's, I mean, man, she was meant to die in 2020. It's now 2022. And the whole time we were like she's just got to get us through to the end of lockdown and the lockdown ended and we got out and we're like I'd be ashamed if the cat didn't make the baby

like you know she's been so funny watching Ray and Cara be pregnant and I wanted to meet the baby I don't want photos of this big cat besides this tiny baby she's going to miss Cailin's graduation yeah Cara's like gee if she can survive through the wedding I'm like man this tiny baby knew you were going like she's going to miss Cailin's graduation it's yeah

my point Cara's like gee if she can survive to the wedding I'm like man if you had told us in 2020

that we'd get Rachel the fucking wedding we would have bitten your hand off at the time you'd be delighted and now we're at

the thing where she's still there but she's slowly gently she's still hanging on but you're like stomping on her

fingers let go let fucking go, man. No, but because she's spoiled and she's had... Well, not... She's spoiled now because she came to a retirement home for somebody who loves animals more than human beings. And obviously we've got this lovely big garden

and she's spoiled. She's got three people that live in the house that love her. She's had the best retirement. Four of you live there, bud. One of you doesn't love her. She's had the best retirement. Four of you live there, but... One of you doesn't love her. Wait, no. No, you do have a child. Yeah, yeah.

Living in the basement called Ryan Cullen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he doesn't understand love at this age. He just knows who feeds him. She's enjoying her retirement. Like, the other day, we've watched her trying to hunt pigeons, and the way she hunts pigeons is she will

hide in freshly cut grass with her tail up as high as it goes while making noises that she thinks are silent because she's deaf but she's just meowing very loudly and the reason the pigeons aren't moving is because they're three metres away

they know she's a fat cunt and they're being like this stupid fat cunt thinks they're being like this stupid fat cunt thinks it wouldn't take her seven minutes to get here

and then they fly away and she's like oh they got away one last time you're not

allowed to give Rae frights she's at an age now where you've got to stop

watching scary movies with her as well if she gets a fright now it's the thing where she could just go die that you've got to stop watching scary movies with her as well. Gara's like, don't. If she gets a frightener, it's the thing where she could just go, ah, die.

Allegedly. I don't know how true that is. But if cats get frightened, it's not good for them. Nah. So you kind of do that cucumber game with them. Nah. You throw cucumbers.

You play dodgeball with a cucumber in a cat. Me and Callum will be playing FIFA right and we'll look at the window and Ray will be going under the gate to get outside which was fine

when she was 14 years old and had the agility to move out of the way of a cat and ears that worked and to know

there was something or knew there was something on the ground now the second she goes towards that whatever you're doing even if it's Caelan you fucking drop him

and you go and grab the cat that's about to be mushed by traffic. Yeah. It's not a busy road. I fucking run out, right? And I'm just, I'm panicking. I'm like, this cat's about to fucking die. It goes out.

The road's fucking clear. She's walking down the road to you going, Ray, Ray, she's walking away. There's no, no. Even if I was looking at her, she wouldn't hear what I was fucking saying. Ray, Ray, Ray. I have to go behind her. Man, when I tell you I was looking at her she wouldn't hear what I was fucking saying Ray Ray Ray I have to go behind her

man when I tell you I grabbed this cat and she fucking jumped oh no man the cat has

literally two days previously been like don't give a fright don't give a fright now what she

means is when I stomped my big ass downstairs to feed Ray in the morning you know if Ray's asleep

on the couch and you're dressed and going like a ghost just trying to freak her out rattling chains You know, if Ray's asleep on the couch. In your dressing gown like a ghost. Just trying to freak her out. Rattling chains.

She's like, don't, you know, scare Ray. Tell her to cuss the petrol. Jeez. She can't drive at this age. She can't hear. She wouldn't hear everyone calling her a cunt or a shit driver. We'd have to get her off the roads. Man, this cat jumped out of her fuck it I honestly felt like

if you'd come round the corner and been like where's Ray I would have been like she's here and I was just holding the fur out

like no fur like her skeleton skeletons just still running on the spot five feet above your neck hold up the end sign and just plumb it into a cloud of ash

yeah yeah but she survived that she survived that and you know what I've been Cara's pointed out I've been saying

that we're going to lose Ray in two months for like fucking three years I'm those I'm like what's the really left wing paper

I'm like the Guardian being like independent Guardian yeah I'm like the Guardian being like there's only six months of the NHS left

and you know they've been doing that for 40 years now she's going to clash with next year's cat well I mean you're going to get

dogs next right well they'll have to be a break because we're having another baby and I'm not I'm not training a baby and a fucking animal

at the same time that's true you've already got a bastard child you don't want a bastard dog aye aye going to wedlock.

Going to make sure it's... Going out on a wedlock. And the other kid's not coming until... So I think we stay off pets until... Until like... Caleb doesn't have to saddle them up and ride them in a battle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As long as he can break them in himself. There's got to be some level of responsibility. Even though obviously it will just be me that ends up doing everything. It's nice to be some level of responsibility, even though obviously it will just be me that ends up doing everything. It's nice to build the lie first. And you're probably going to have more kids as well, aren't you? Two. Two more, or two total?

Just two total. You might have twins. Oh, no. If Cara got pregnant with twins, we'd have to kill one. She's too small, man. There was barely enough for both of them. Nah, one she's too small man there was barely enough for both of them she's robust

she's durable I mean she's really durable she can take a punch can't she can't I but some people like

some people don't realise how really genuinely dangerous twins or triplets are like I'm pretty sure now if you get triplets there's points where they'm pretty sure now, if you get triplets,

there's points where they'll bring you in. They may become Jedward. Yeah, real bad. And it's your responsibility to kill one of them. Even the other one. You hit them off each other and keep the survivor. Oh, well, you like the way you test, which isn't the best smarty.

Is that what you do? You crush them together. Which is the best one. Which is the strongest, and you eat the weak one I've never I've never pitted smarties against themselves

that I'm trying to play just twins I never played God with my sweets just twins just Irish twins I'm pretty sure I read about

I think it was a woman in Brazil who was like giving birth to like five or six and two months before she went into labor

you don't go sink tablets yeah you don't go to full term in Brazil who was like giving birth to like five or six and two months before she went in to give labour you don't go to you don't go to full term if it's triplets they always make you give, they'll do cesarean at like seven or eight months there because at that point they're always going to be preemies, you'll just explode but I think if you

get to like fucking five or six even before that seven month where they're going to cut them out, you've got to go in and be on your back for the final month because if you're carrying around five or six, your spine and your knees and everything that keeps you upright

is going to die and be ruined forever. Because you're carrying too much timber. Aye, way too much. And also, Cara hated being pregnant. She'd last been a mother but I could really only

get away with putting her through that one more time getting the person you love pregnant is the worst thing you can do

to the person it's the worst thing you can do to someone that you allegedly love it's a real shit thing you get some people

like oh I love being pregnant I'm glowing they're all psychos Natalie's got a god up like don't even fucking try it are you trying at me up oh, I've been pregnant, I'm glowing. They're all cyclists. Natalie's got a god up like, don't even fucking try it. You trying to get me off the stick?

I've seen what it does. Yeah, yeah, it's a real, it's a real, real brutal thing. I bet you can't choose if you have multiples.

You can't, you can, you know, we're not in America. We can, we can, we can still kill kids over here.

Fucking America. Aye. I didn't know how you could go backwards like that. That's so hard and fast. To have less rights than your mother and grandmother is... I saw a horrendously accurate tweet that was like, America's five months away from drowning witches.

Aye. That's a joke tweet. Aye. But that's how fast they've just went backwards. Aye, it's mad. and it's for such a minority, it's for such a minority of it. And it's Trump's elected

Yeah, yeah, yeah Like I was saying, how did this happen under Biden and not Trump and it's because he elected the Supreme Court judges, three of the five. Yeah, yeah, and every time the Democrats have had Trump like how and it's because he elected the Supreme Court judges three of the five yeah yeah and every time the Democrats have had uh when Obama was in he didn't get to nominate his justice in because the Republicans were like yes Shane that's not a fair thing to do in a an election

year and of course because Democrats are thick as pig shit they'll be like okay well we'll play by the rules and then it comes to the Republicans term and they're like we couldn't give a fuck about your term limits we'll do whatever the fuck. And then it comes to the Republicans' term, and they're like, we couldn't give a fuck about your term limits. We'll do whatever the fuck we want. He's going to nominate this person, and that's why it's in now. And it's unfixable, and will be unfixable for years and years and years. Is it voted for by the Supreme Judges that were put in by Trump, or is it like the mass public majority want this to happen?

No. And actually we're just underrepresented as the... No. You shouldn't even be called at the left when it comes to something as simple as human rights. Aye. Right? It shouldn't be called left versus right.

It's like, is the people that believe in the human rights that a woman should have the right to choose? Are they outnumbered so heavily by people who think like abortion? Like, is it a representation of the public's thinking? No, I would say, well less than half. All the stats are that most people in America, over 50%, I think over 60%, are pro sort of choice.

But you've got to remember, the American government system was created in the late 1700s, the early 18th century. And they put all these things in that were meant to be amended because they knew things were going to change over time and they trusted it to not become too corrupt but then it inevitably did. And since then there's been a way to...

I mean, there's a really good behind the bastards on it and it's about how people turned the Republican Party into the one that played to the deep right Christian base because 100% of those people will vote and by making those become Republicans, Republicans even though they wouldn't get normally if 100% of America voted who could vote

if 100% of America could vote the Republicans would never get into power and would not have gotten into power for the past and it shouldn't even just go to a public vote, it should just be women voting well yes, on this particular issue but the way the system is set up is, that's what cherry-mandering

comes from, the Republicans going, we can't win this area fair and square, so what we have to do is we have to make sure that these 60,000 Democratic black votes only count for this much of this portion, and that these 20,000 Christian white votes actually count for this, and this is done at every level

from fucking city level to state level in all the states of America and you've had a Republican party that have basically been planning this for so long, like this is all their deep long plan. So you think if you just put it like a

basic every American woman gets to vote between whether you have the right to an abortion or not. 70%. So you think there'd be 30%, this is just your guess, you think there'd be 30% that are deeply religious, old school?

Not necessarily deeply religious. I think there would be some valid reasons. I think, well, not necessarily valid, but I think people would have those things where they're like, oh, you know, I'm not against abortion in these health scenarios but you

know I draw the line at killing a baby because you don't want it sort of thing there'll be people who are like I don't know the name of it you know

if you need an abortion to survive definitely I'm always for that one but outside of that if you're three months pregnant and you don't want a kid I

personally don't believe that I disagree with that too but there is a months pregnant and you don't want a kid, I personally don't believe that. I disagree with that too, but there is a spectrum of, I think there would be a spectrum of that within it. I think the deep, deep religious, it's murder. Oh, you know what, we are talking about America

so that very easily could be fucking 30% of them. Yeah, true. I listen to Megan Rapinoe just raving off all the reasons, all the valid reasons for getting an abortion, and it's fucking horrendous. Like, you know, when you're saying somebody could have pregnancies through rape or somebody's, like, because of their own illness, the act of giving birth could kill you.

And she just fucking, like, rhymed off. I'm doing a disservice here, but, like, she rhymed off just a bunch of reasons to have an abortion other than even she threw in maybe she's just not in the position to and you did make some mistakes

to get there also for fun for fun maybe you're into it and I was just like it just really put into perspective how fucking harrowing it is

like surely the world has to stand up to that and just go on that yeah I mean because and also the fact that it doesn't mean the abortions are going to stop it means they're going to be unsafe

because you will get probably doctors and nurses who will be doing it because they believe it's something that should be a right so they'll have to go through back channels to make it happen for the person. That will happen, but just not under the right... Surely it gets overturned in the coming years

as this shit that we're talking about now starts to happen, as people are killed by their babies, as people are given birth to rape babies, as people are getting backstreet abortions that kill them surely when that starts happening the people who wanted that to happen go on oh we're done fucked up. Oh like all the times now

when people who are in poverty die and the government goes oh fuck we got it wrong, we'll redo what we did guys, turns out you know doing this things making this drug legal and putting it as a painkiller and getting people mass addicted to it

you know I don't think they'll undo anything nobody learns from the only way this will ever get overturned is if you know there's a second civil war I'm telling you yeah it's a two party system

it's not going to two party system doesn't work it doesn't work this deep into late stage capitalism and you know it's not going to, and by the way this won't change and they won't riot and they won't overturn it this is just the way the world will be for a bit

but they're not going to change their government system without a civil war and I just don't think they'll not going to change their government system without a civil war and I just don't think they'll ever get to a civil war and there's no way to get rid of these elected officials because they've got in America there's no age limit on how old

you can be and in fact there's no term limits so it's like once you're in there you're in there forever so even like the good politicians that do get in and go in with a good heart suddenly realise oh I can just be paid forever if I stay in here long enough

and to do that just gotta make it's always straight straight men pale steel males making the decisions no no

there are some cunty awful women in there and there are some fucking race traitors and some class traitors in amongst the fucking you know greed greed corrupts

absolutely everywhere the biggest switching power would be if Lassus just went aye boycotting putting out we're boycotting

putting out none of none of you are getting laid until you get your shit together that includes me and E none of you get laid and I bet you men start making right decisions

or or porn becomes free but then the porn stars aren't allowed to put out aye I bet your men start making great decisions. Or porn becomes free. But then the porn stars aren't allowed to put out. Aye. Aye. Well. They're all in there.

They're all in there. If you're a woman in America, soz. It was you. It was. Sorry, I was the final vote. I was. I rigged all the things.

I also really, everyone kept saying overturn Roe v. Wade. I'm like, I do have to learn what that means. Probably should go and listen to a podcast on it. I'd say Kramer v. Kramer. I don't know. It could be. I'm pretty sure,

what I think Roe versus Wade is, is the ruling where it came in, from what I've picked up from the internet, the ruling where it came in that it wasn't the state's right to decide whether abortion, it was a country-wide thing. And that being overturned as saying, no, it's a state decision. So that's why states can now get it. So basically deciding that thing was incorrect.

Could there not have been a fucking middle ground where you're going, all right, you come in and apply for your abortion, where you're going, oh, I want an abortion because they're maid killers. When I give birth, I've got this medical condition. You go, all right, yeah, sure. But if you're going, oh, because I'm going skiing in the season and I don got this medical condition, you go, oh right, yeah sure, but if you're going, oh because I'm going skiing, in the season, and I don't want to miss my skiing holder,

and they're going, actually that's not really that valid, because even then, it should be your choice, it should be your choice, but if you were to make a compromise, it would surely be somewhere round about there. Well I mean,

I do think it's just about control though, and I also think man look you've just got these fucking psychos who seem to think that an embryo

smaller than your fucking fingernail constitutes you know a life and so that means in their head

they are doing the right thing yeah and they are like if they man that's why they were cheering that's why they were

cheering that's why they were so happy like it's you know I understand people being fucking really angry at the people

celebrating this because it's such because they're wrong they're so wrong it's such an attack on women and it's such a horrible

but as long as they think they're right yeah then you know then they're right for the they're wrong but for the right reasons they hold right for the wrong but for the

right reasons I don't want to ever give them any credit but if they think it's murder

in their head in their delusional world that they're living in they've just stopped a lot of murders

that isn't what's happened but they think they've just saved the murder of hundreds of thousands of babies and the reason they think they've just saved the murder of hundreds of thousands

of babies and the reason they think that is because they're a group of people who constantly tell them that that was the case and not have any to limit the education on them to believe otherwise

have we just stumbled upon the epiphany that the problem is a lack of education in America yeah well I mean I think you get to any

go to any of America's problems and... It's not an epiphany was my point. No, right. Well, I figured... Well, no, no, no, but as long as you were just aware that it was odd, that's everyone... Mind you, that's our problems here, though.

I think that's... That's when I feel like one of those fucking proper old-school tinfoil hat. I'm like, they try and keep the masses uneducated. Keep them dumb? Aye. They keep them fucking dumb? Like thefoil hat I'm like they try and keep the masses uneducated they keep it dumb they keep it fucking dumb like the school system that I went through

that has to be designed to keep you stupid I didn't come out of that smart I don't think it's designed to keep you stupid I think it's certainly designed that

you know it's not designed to make everyone extremely intelligent it's you know, it's not designed to make everyone extremely intelligent. It's, you know, there's, I mean, well. It's breed and workers, is what it's saying. Well, I mean, it was.

I think nowadays, I think, again, back in the day, like it was definitely that. I think nowadays you've obviously, you know, not that there haven't been these teachers for generations, but I think now hopefully you get more teachers who do it because, do it because if you're teaching now with the wages you're given, like having to buy your own pen, teachers are like nurses at this point where you're only doing it because of your love of the job

and not any of the accolades or the money or any of the shit that used to kind of come along with it. Because I'm only speaking from the school system decades ago, but surely now that the adults who grew up in that school system and realised the flaws in it and created the new one, surely they're... I don't have kids, so I don't know the answer to the question, but surely they're teaching you how to do a tax return.

Surely they're teaching you how to calculate interest rates on credit cards and loans and how to do budgets for your household. Surely they're, in school, they're teaching you skills that are going to equip budgets for your household surely they're in school they're teaching you skills that are going to actual life that you're going to live regardless of your vocation no no no man i didn't learn any of that shit no no like i understand but that's the stuff we need i know i know but just because you need to know something doesn't mean you will like you could teach me how to do my own account i'm not doing my own fucking accountant i'm always

buying an accountant no no no That's a very privileged position. Ah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I know a lot of middle class people who have accountants. Aye, but you should be able to do your own tax return. Aye, but some people

just don't want it. It's the same thing, man. I could, I could, I could, you know, you could do certain things but sometimes it's just not what you enjoy and you don't.

So, you know, you can teach people to do tax returns and all this stuff and yes people who were like I'm at the end of my fucking money I will learn how to do that

teaching me how to do a bunch of shit doesn't mean I'm going to fucking do it but this is the difference right you're a comedian that happened to find an agent early doors

and you had a lot of shit done for you as a comedian that's not how most people start their businesses a lot of people start their businesses because they have an idea they get good at something like carpentry.

You get good at carpentry and now you want to become a carpenter. But you have to not just become a carpenter, you have to become a businessman and you have to have your books in order. I reckon that's when you go to a accountant. No, that's the bit where you're going, I might as well just keep on working for this joining company. I might as well just stay in this fucking, have a boss. Because it's not worth trying to fucking get my head around

how to run a business. Even though I've got the skills for the product, I don't have the skills in the business acumen. Teach everybody basic business acumen. That means everybody can start a business off the back of their skills, if they find out they have skills. But that's probably not going to happen.

You're probably just going to stay under the on the payroll of something making money for somebody else with your skills I mean I don't know enough about economics

so I don't know any that's the problem we should know a bit more you could teach me economics I mean that's

you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink try it absolutely drink that water just fucking mushing it into its mouth by the handful to me economics I mean that's you know you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink try us absolutely drink that water just fucking

mushing it into its mouth by the handful we always used to think that if the world knew everything that was going on that we'd all be

fucking outraged and we've learned that that's not true we know how corrupt governments are and nobody's doing anything it's very openly like we're all just

being like alright this is just the world we're in and you think if you taught kids how to work out interest rates on loans they'd still get the loan

because the idea of having five grand now even though you've got to pay eight grand back over the next four years or they'd do what most of us do and they'd forget it

five years after leaving high school they'd go yeah go work out the area of that pie oh fuck I forgot I've not done it in years aye because I did get taught how to work out the breadth of that pie oh fuck I can't I forgot I've not done it in years

aye because I did get taught how to work out the breadth of a river by working out the height of a tree yep right

and you don't I still don't know how to do that and that's what they chose to teach us instead of my taxes yeah yeah yeah I'm just saying

even if they taught us the right thing I think you know you get good students and you get fucking bad students you get and that's you know you get people who will come in

and be really good at their jobs whether that's being a teacher and they can find these kids who are really good and want to learn and hope that those grow up into good influential people and hope all the ones that didn't get any of that nurturing and were just born to be shit don't drag too much of the rest of the

world down, which unfortunately they're currently doing Is that the rest of the world out. Which unfortunately, they're currently doing. Is that the end of the podcast? No, I mean it can be. We've got nothing to plug. Oh no, that's not true. Oh, we've got French shows to do. Yeah, I've not. I might be writing some of mine today, so

that's exciting for some of you. Behind the curtain. I think I've got like 45 minutes of my show written. I've got previews coming up in July. I think I've got like 45 minutes of my show written and I've got previews coming up in July. I'll post about them on my social medias, but they're in like Stirling and St Andrews and Kilmarnock. I'm just going to be cutting around Scotland

just trying to figure out the remaining pieces to the puzzle of my Fringe show. And then the Fringe will be on sale all of August in Edinburgh. Sweet. I'll be, yeah, I'm'm doing a show i don't know when i don't know where but it's on the french website and my website so go to those and also um we have just recorded another podcast which you can listen to on thursday while i'm out having the wayne linacre experience in marbella um we've done it with gene and it was very much just about all the ailments and bodily functions.

And how we're getting older. And lumps and bumps. It was basically just like I had three old people talking about their wear and tear. So enjoy that. Bye.