Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Sloss and Baldy

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

It's Sloss and Baldy, let's listen to them together then I'll come back to write an appropriate blurb

Hello, podcast listeners! Thank you for listening to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. It's me, Daniel. There is no cream. Oh, no, wait, I'm cream. There is cream. There is no muggins this week. Kai is dog-sitting and can't get through, so he'll be back for the Patreon episode on Thursday.

But I have got Ryan Cullen on to join. And guess what, motherfuckers? We don't talk about alone well that's a lie we do talk about it but only for like five minutes in the middle

not even that and I don't even think we finished our train of thought on it we talk about obviously Ireland because it's fucking Ryan we speak about some like LA comedy gossip and look it's fucking Ryan. We speak about some, like, L.A. comedy gossip.

And, look, it's all right. We talk shit. We talk shit, as we always do. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for listening. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Is this yours? A soft intro. It is.

Look, it's got the times on it. Aye. You can start the podcast here, Brett, while we talk about... Is this yours? A soft intro, it is! Look, it's got the times on it. Aye. You can start the podcast here, Brett, while we talk about... The Slutsky. Yeah, now, so what I'm holding here, Ryan Cullen, guest host of the podcast, is a two-litre drink. I think it's 2.7, is it? Well, it goes up to 1.750 there. So I'm going to assume that's 2.50 up there unless they've just been like,

it's 2.107 litres. And you're like, well, you're not allowed to sell anything again in the future. Yeah, yeah. I love the way that, so it's got a little timeframe. It's meant to make you drink like a daily recommended water, whatever.

But it gets shorter down near things. Like you start, you know, not as much drinking there around eight or nine. Look, it starts like one o'clock during the day. Oh yeah, so at 8 a.m. you're starting, you have 100 mils, 9 a.m. So it's 100 mils until the evening when it's just like... It's just, it says 100 mils there too, but...

Either with the measurements or... They fucked it. I've only realised now it's a lie. I love the fact that, obviously, they've... Well, not vented, but they're selling water bottles now, not just water in bottles, but you buy your own water bottle,

and the theory is you will fill it up with your own water, and that reduces plastic waste. theory that is true unless you lose water bottles as often and as regularly as i do i i think my budget every year on water bottles from amazon is i'm going to say 200 quid my god i. Man, all the time. I lost one when we were golfing the other day. How do you lose stuff in golfing? You turn around, it's a massive open space. Green bottle.

I bought a green bottle. That's why this one's pink. The new one. It's not going to happen to me twice, Ryan. I've made sure that the new bottle I've ordered is a pink one. So, I mean, I can't go. is a pink one so I mean I can't go I can't think of any

I can't go ice skating on blood and drinking at the same time same time even I was trying my very best I was like marshmallow world hey yeah that was the best I could go that was the only thing that was pink to you

marshmallow not vaginas you fucking virgin and the best part is most marshmallows are white yeah like they're really throwing a spanner in the mix when you get a red one Not vaginas, you fucking virgin. And the best part is most marshmallows are white. Yeah. Like, they really throw in a spanner in them,

I think, when you get a red one. I feel marshmallows are one of those things that cartoons made look so fucking delicious. And then when you had your first marshmallow, you were like, no, they're okay. Because there were some things I remember, like, you know, just the way that fucking Looney Tunes

were able to draw I can't remember what scene it's from somebody was able to tell me maybe it's from the Simpsons but they

put like a marshmallow in a hot chocolate and the marshmallow absorbs all of the hot chocolate so they then pour it out of

the cup and slice it into strips I remember watching that and going that looks so like I wish that was real I wish you could actually do that and going that looks so like I wish that was real I wish you could actually do that and then you know

if you were to it just tastes like this is going to sound real bad but my grambler offered me a Werther's original like two days ago and I was just like fuck off fucking Werther's original when you say fuck off are you like that's you done

that's you done. That's you stamping out on life there. The first time the words, would you like a Werther's original, leave your mouth, are also the last words that ever leave your mouth. That's end of life. That's a verbal do not resuscitate. Wasn't even like the DNR. Yeah. Just a DNR

should we bring her back to life yesterday she offered me a Werther's original well in that case it's not worth turning the machines back on then

but you just said the surgery but the head's not there yeah it's quite clearly gone I don't know where you get Werther's originals anymore too

like I feel like you have to go out of your way to find them I've never seen one like they're not one with the polos and the fruit pastels

are they unless I've just blanked them out like John Hamm Black Mirror I think old people hand them to each other and be like

do you want a Werther's original and then they die because they gave away a Werther's original it's the same packet yeah it's the same packet it's like it follows

but with Werther's originals and if you get handed the Werther's Original, you're like, oh, God. Well, if I get rid of this, I die. So I'm obviously going to keep it for a while. And then you live your life as like 87 years old for a bit. And you're like, this isn't that great. This isn't all that. I don't know why I lived past 75, to be fucking honest with you.

Maybe I'm one of those weird soul people that never drank once in their life. Oh, is that the people? You know, like you always get people like. Who enjoys 90 is what I'm one of those weird soulboy people that never drank once in their life you know like you always get people like who enjoys 90 is what I'm saying yeah nobody

Buddhists yeah but I don't race car drivers the fuck off oh so 90's not even it's not even that particular

you go 220 at least 90 miles an hour the speed most people do on the dual carriageway unless you're there and I

unless you're Takuma Sato who was my favourite Formula One driver until not until anything he was just

I think he's still racing in some other things you know when they get old Formula One drivers they go oh I better do

rally now because I'm not as fit to do the Formula and then they become like monster truck drivers aye well Takuma Sato and. You know when they get old, Formula One drivers, they go, oh, I better do rally now because I'm not as fit to do the Formula One. And then they become like monster truck drivers. Aye. Aye.

And then by the time they get to 95, it's just them and all the other old people just doing scale electrics. Aye. I loved scale electrics. How good was scale electrics?

But they were so easily broken. They were so easily broken. There was a pub in Australia. For those, if you're new to listening to the pub, we'll not get back to any of these points.

So if you're like, I wonder how that story's in. Yeah, we're not good. Time to podcast we'll not get back to any of these points so if you're like I wonder how that story's in time to move we're not good time to move on buddy time to fucking move on already there was a bar in Australia where upstairs

they instead of a pool table and instead of fucking puggies or arcade machines they had six person scalextric track Matt when I tell you

it was the most fun you can have, because it's, man, Scalextrics, gender-neutral as shit, right? Even if you've never played Scalextrics, it's not like pool where you're going to get fucking hustled off of it immediately. Yeah, yeah. Man, Scalextrics, you pull the fucking trigger, go for it, flies around corners.

Like, also, if somebody over there is winning and there's a corner there, you're like, well, I'll sacrifice my car just to fucking hit Steve in the jaw the wank it'd be great

if you brought your own car too you'd put that on the table like pool I got next oh man I bet people

did have that back in the I bet I presume they'd work on each other's yeah electric and I bet

there are like faster cars I bet that was an entire subdivision of like fucking aerodynamics yeah people like making

their own ones customising them there's absolutely no way this didn't happen in fact you know what I bet it's cunt-sitting vinyl I bet it's happening now

oh aye but you know what I'm thinking you know how you used to hold it straight off the bat if you hold it too quick too quick or like if you pulled the trigger

and it just went like screwed off and decapitated your sister or whatever that's not how Jussie died if that's what you're suggesting that's exactly what I'm suggesting

it's like them Le Mans they fly off like the Le Mans back in the 50s the wind gets underneath the car next thing it just goes flies off

like a birthday card like kill everyone in the crowd outrageous Takuma Sato though I will get back to him he was my favourite because I don't find Formula 1 kill everyone in the crowd. Outrageous. Takuma Sato, though. Yes. I will get back to him. He was my favourite

because I don't find Formula 1 that interesting just because there's not a wild lot of... I don't mind it. Yeah. But I... I'm willing to... Like, anyone that's... I respect anyone that does it.

Man, that is clearly, like, you have to just have the reactions and it's exhausting and it's intellectual in the sense that you've got to know speeds and fucking resistance

and all this stuff like you know they're more I would say race car drivers are more athletes than darts players

darts players bowls players yeah curling players I don't care how fast Chelsea players who? Chelsea players

no they were like I just Takuma Sato though I liked players I don't care how fast Chelsea players Chelsea players no they were like I just Takuma Sato though I liked because he played he was doing it like he was playing

the PlayStation you know like he would start in the grid 18th and then he would get right up to 10th he's bombing past people

and completely obliterated the car by lap 10 great like every time he caused so much damage they're like Jesus coming out of the wreckage going and completely obliterated the car by lap 10. Great. Like, every time. He caused so much damage. They're like, Jesus, coming out of the wreckage, going,

thank you, everybody. Thank you. That's the end of the race. No, it's not. Like, there's a bunch more laps. Like, you're meant to win a trophy? Then what is this? The helmet of one of your racing opponents who you somehow decapitate.

Well, I'm taking it home nonetheless. I thought it was just the helmet.capitate. Well, I'm taking it home nonetheless. I thought it was just the helmet. Oh, God. Gunk. Takes the head out, tries it on. Not my size. God bless to give a saddle.

I watched that, who's that fucking race car driver that died in that crash? Senna. Yes, I watched that film, the documentary one the other day. He seemed like a fun bloke and I liked the fact that his mum was like literally

I want to be a race car driver she just wept instantly and was like he's going to die oh god yeah yeah I bet she still fucking goes on about that now yeah everybody I told him I fucking knew I said to him I said don't do it

Do you ever hear the Dunlops They're like As in the tyre people Well No Jesus I doubt there's a My mind's blown

I just went oh yeah Anyway no There was a Like they were basically Racing bike Family Like they were all They're all like world champions

There's like four of them or something And they've won big races And I'm pretty sure There's a four or five like basically 80 percent of them are dead oh from racing yeah yeah from racing hit trees blah blah joey dunlop i'm pretty sure he hit a pole so hard that apparently he was stuck to the pole that he took him off the pole he was doing road racing driving not like moto gp where you slide off into he was like road racing you go off and, you know, they're always like, Valentino Rossi, he's great.

And he just slides onto dirt. Like, obviously you can get hurt in it. I'm not saying that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, if you slide off. It's not as baller as wrapping around a lot. Hitting someone's trampoline and flying through the fucking. Has motorbiking ever taken your fancy?

Because I'm just like, that would be, that's just suicide as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, don't get me wrong I bet you're everyone out there if you're a motorcycle driver it's because you're better than me with reactions

and you trust yourself more if I were to buy a motorcycle I would be dead in under two weeks Eugene loves it Eugene goes to it Eugene goes to the

TT races yeah but I bet Eugene goes there and I bet he doesn't bet on who wins but he goes to the bathroom and bets on, but I bet Eugene goes there, and I bet, like, he doesn't bet on who wins, but he goes to, like, the bathroom and bets on who's going to die. Yeah, yeah.

He's like, I bet number 11 loses a leg. They come back a day later, the guy lost the leg because he chopped it off, and he's like, I didn't say in the race. I did not say in the race. He said he used to work in, like, pit stops sometimes for them, and I was like, I don't know if he's lying, trying to look cool.

Just trying to steal wheels while they were on bolt he's listing a couple of screws yay so just he runs away next to the team where'd that fucking little leprechaun go

what do you mean he wasn't with us I saw an excellent tiktok by the way someone pulled up at the red light and the whole pit staff crew came out to the car

and pretended to do it before the green and I was like that's pretty funny but he went race car driving I never went for it because and I was like that's pretty funny but he went race car driving I never went for it because it just felt like

there's people die all the time the motorbike the worst part isn't the driver it's when the motorbike flies off into the crowd yeah like you know on Isle of Man

someone was like a couple of years ago flew on killed like three people did you not show me that what was that one from ages ago where like a race

it was in the football group for a bit there was just a race car what was that like a hundred and like ago where like a race, it was in the football group for a bit. Oh, what was that? Like a hundred and, like it was like a car came off. It was in a race and like the cameras were around. So late 1800s, sorry. Yes, late 19th century, early 20th century. Was it the 1950s Le Mans crash?

Was it? Yes. Was that what it was? It was like one in 1955, but a lot of people died like oh yeah yeah like a hundred and something like it just came off and just like threw the family and this is just back in whatever time it was when they're like we'll just keep rolling. Aye. It's it's the 50s none of us have developed empathy yet. We don't have to use the show. We've just come out of we've just come out of two world wars. Everyone who had empathy either has PTSD now

and or we killed them for being a coward during the war. They were too weak and they had to die. Only the brittle and angry are here and we're about to spawn the worst generation that ever lived. It was a real scene. It looked like the fucking... By the Puka Pie van. It looked like Omaha Beach.

Like mothers holding the bottom half of their children. The bottom half? Yeah, yeah. You feel like you go for the top, hold the legs. No! But like, aye.

Our next door neighbour was, not next door, up the road a wee bit, like about five minutes away, because we used to run out to the front garden because we'd hear him coming and he would practice racing on our road which is a

country road which is way worse way worse than say the roads like just by this house for racing imagine how bad they are like for hitting 200 miles an hour on

that road somewhere have you got any bit of straight so we would hear him coming we'd run out to the front garden and see him go past like but he'd give up

because he kept falling off sorry I'm just feeling like I've got fucking hands on oh right oh yeah so basically

he kept falling off so much that you know like you get the road rash and stuff he had no fingers left because if you put your hands down

the road just grinds them off so like for a while he was racing with just that on his right hand

you know he'd have to loosen the brakes so his little fingers so the cat's walking around with just a constant mime for the phone. Call me. If he won, he better have done that.

Yeah, yeah. Call me, ladies. That is... So wait, hold on. Oh, so yeah, of course, because that's what they always say about motorcycle crashes. Dress for the slide, not the ride. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because if you come off...

Like, if you crash a car, you're sure, the momentum, you're in the car, you're going to hit some things, life's going to suck for a bit. Yeah. But if you come off a fucking motorbike,

Oh, you're just, like, have you ever run, like, an eraser? Like, you know, when you just finished working school and you just fucking

erased it into nothingness on the, imagine that, but your body. Aye. It made me feel disgusted to see a racer there, but I have to for the American fans. People keep catching me, because I'll...

What do they call it, rubber? Rubber. A condom, would they call a rubber a condom? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that was the joke. We called them, they were rubber, so aye. Aye. Erasers. Man, I regularly get caught by people,

and they'll go, you just said sidewalk and i'm like man i'm used to translating like i like it's not i'm not developing an american accent and talking like them when i'm on stage i'm so used to being like what is the most universally understood version of this word that garage i'm so successful that I just have to have a different Lexicon than the rest of you. I have to worry about much bigger things. Okay, okay. But like, yeah, call me.

All right. Yeah, that would be, I mean, what's the other one? Cowabunga that is? Cowabunga. If this is the shocker, what's this one god the moses parton i don't know all right this isn't my joke this isn't my joke i can't remember whose it is but i think it's the internet but this you'd call this one here you'd call it the the adele right put this one in you put the thumb in there and the vag Put the pinky up And then while you're in there Press And this is hello from the other side For fuck's sake I had no idea where that was going

I know you didn't I was like God help us It's all from me crying I don't know So A couple things to talk about On the podcast today

For those of you that don't listen To Patreon Who are not Patreon subscribers And have been paying attention To Kai's Instagram For the past couple of weeks We explained it on the Thursday episode a little bit But we weren't at the end of the story

We're still not at the end of the story Just to catch you up Cullen Because you don't really know what's going on So Matty asked me to be his best man yeah

as as a bit it was because Kai and Natalie were basically so confident that it was

Kai that they were just being a bit fucking smug about it and Matty was like you know what just to they're so sad i'll just do a lot of fucking jokes my he's like joey put fake be best man i'm like absolutely and you say when who else will hurt kai's feelings we go rickets that'll hurt his feelings that's funny yeah just you know the way boys do and uh fair facts to kai

he played the bit brilliantly Right We got the cards We post them on our Instagram Kai then immediately Sends me and Matty Two voice Me and Ricketts Voicemails Just being like

Hey man Congratulations Oh no But But It's a bit It's so very Like the whole thing

Is just like You know I've got to accept You and Matty Have a different friendship Outside of me The whole time This is going on I'm enjoying it.

We're all taking part in a bit. We're all in a play. We're all agreeing. We're not acknowledging it's a play, but we're all improvising. And I really like that type of fucking banter. And Kai's playing it really well. Me and Matty and Ricketts

are laughing about it fucking heaps. Seds joins in. Seds sends a card to Kai saying you're expecting you're expecting to be best man this isn't a card sorry from Sid we had no idea he was going to do that that was very funny

Kai and I'll allow him to come and defend himself at some point in the future if you want to say Kai starts getting actually rattled a little bit by it. It's been going on for two weeks because there's no end game. Yeah, yeah.

There's no end game. Me and Matt never, there was no, Matt was just like, I just want to do it to annoy him because he was annoying me. That's the, you know. Perfect.

Kai is getting fucking rattled. Like he keeps posting funny videos and keeps, you know, keeping the thing up. But you can tell, he's like, so what are you doing for the stag do then if it is you? Oh, Jesus Christ. Then, last week, I wake up and on Instagram, there is a card that says,'s Matty and Kai and it's basically

at the front of it just says please, please, please be my best, best man. And I immediately go that's the funniest thing in the world because Kai's won. Sending yourself a card asking yourself to be best man

is how you win this game. It's how you win the bit. Because what the bit needs is, essentially, it's to get Matty to acknowledge that he's not made Kai best man, so that Kai can go, why the fuck not? And then the bit's over. Yeah.

So we're trying to delay that as much as possible. What Kai has done in this brilliant fucking chess move is gone, thank you so much for making me your best man Matty I agree and Matty goes I didn't send that card and Kai gets to go

why the fuck not and then that's yes you force Kai Matty into the confrontation right so Kai comes in he's got the card

I'm like alright cool fucking bits over I message it to Matty and Ricketts they're like so you sure it's him I'm like 100% of course it's him

like he's played a blinder it's Kai you know 4D, 100%, of course it's him. Like, he's played a blinder. It's Kai. You know, 4D chess. He gets it. Man, when I tell you, this dumb motherfucker walked in here with that card. Opens it up. It's in the house. I wish I brought it out.

Cullen, when I let you read this thing, it starts with, to Kai, the glue that binds us together. I'm on my knees begging you to be my best. And it's just this praise. You've met Matty Canning, right? Would he say? No, no. Not even remotely.

Right. Would Matty Canning ever under any circumstance say, if you promise to be my best man, would you want to be, I'll admit to being the pincer? Aye. Would Matty say? Why would you? Man, this bong-eyed motherfucker.

He fucked it. Man, he fucking Conor McGregor walks in. Fucking, you should see this card. Man, he's just mugged you. There's a bit where he's like, I can't believe those two other mugs fell for my shit, shit prank. And there was part of my brain where I went, oh, that could be him. But no, no, I'm very confident.

Man, he's so fucking convinced that this is from Matt. I'm pointing out that it's not. And this is when a ton of people watched the Thursday episode, the Patreon episode, where he was slightly rad. You could tell he was getting annoyed. And I didn't have anything to say because I couldn't ruin the, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Matt's best man. I've got to keep up. up I can't I don't get to be the one to say hey

no idiots um we after the podcast guy uh like same thing just being like you gotta assume you don't organize anything like what you're gonna you you're gonna invite Matty's friends that you've never met to the thing and I'm like chill right now put it to Matty Matty's like look it's gone on long enough like the fact that he's rattled is very very funny the fact that he thinks

we still don't know who that card's from by the way oh really no idea was it you no right

we can't please for the love of God if it is you I wouldn't pay for the postage. Let us, let us know because it helped so much.

Oh, so much so, the card 100% isn't for me, right? Kai's, I can tell from his reaction reading it, I'm like,

this can't fucking believe this is from me. So it's obviously not him. We drink for the rest of that night. We, you know, go for the opening of the bar that we've got

and, in the jacuzzi at like one in the morning kai goes it was me that sent that letter by the way and i went oh oh and nally was like of course it was us of course it was us of course we sent out and i was like oh okay well i guess that kind of makes say okay but why didn't you fucking tell me before and then like another half an hour passes and they were like we were convinced it was you

we just thought the only way to get you out of admitting the letter was you was to pretend it was us so that yeah so whoever did send the letter you have fucked Kai up that's worked worked I'm confused There was parts of that bit where I'm like

Am I the victim of this giant fucking prank Who could have I don't even know My money would be My money So my theories Who I thought it could be I thought it could be Ricketts

It's my number one and it's shit housery of that level it could be him it could be Elliot Steele and I say that only because Elliot Steele is the only one of our friends that listens to our

podcast so he would be in on it that's funny like the he's just far enough away yeah that's perfect

that'd be good but he knows everybody will it would be but it didn't you know what it felt too and I don't mean this in a bad way but it felt too subtle

maybe it was Caelan maybe it was Caelan that would be terrifying we've got to get rid of him I don't know turns out not only does he fully speak English but he's known everything we've got to get rid of him I don't know turns out not only does he fully speak English

but he's known everything we've said in front of him for the past couple of months oh god oh god that's that's

that's fucked me up too now well no my favourite thing I swear to god when we go in there and I make you read this fucking letter

it will put you briefly into Kai's head of how he thinks of himself and how his friends see him. That he's like, Maddy would get down on his hands and knees and fucking beg me to be his best.

The thought of me saying no to bed is enough to make him shake his... If you promise. If you promise him shake his butt. If you promise If you promise to be my best man If you fucking promise. See the messages Manny gives me trying to get an Arsenal ticket Are you fucking joking? Man

If you come down here grovelling on your knees Please be my best man Please Kai Oh Jesus Christ I imagine it would be a brilliant move if it was Sid a day later again

oh he would have that would have been well then I feel like he's made an enemy for life in Kai absolutely that would be amazing well because the alternative is it's somebody else

who somehow has Kai's address and then this is worrying oh yeah so it has to be someone we know because I'm like it could just be it could be a Patreon person

fucking around which would be funny but then I'm like if a Patreon person knows where Kai lives yeah probably means the stupid cunt

you know that'll return to sender thing yeah he was sending out all the merch he was Natalie fine

um veering slightly left And by slightly I mean completely and utterly So we finished season 5 of Alone Which For those of you that don't know Season 5 of the survivalist series Alone

Is when they get 10 previous contestants Who did not survive the longest on their season, therefore losing the show. They get them to come back on. It's like a redemption thing. And they do it out in Mongolia. And me and Cullen love this show.

We watch it regularly. We bet on it. Gambling on it. We gamble on it a lot. This time we took the gambling a little bit differently. We decided to do potluck. Yeah. were just like because we know everyone it'll just be funnier if you have to cheer for someone that you really don't want to cheer yeah and that definitely happened with me yes because i got your your number one choice from season one uh sam, who came second. He was runner-up to my winner in season one.

Sam was, you liked him originally because he would, wolves were near him and he was howling. And you're like, you know what? This cunt might be stupid enough to survive this. Yeah. Like if you're trying to lure, no, not trying to lure wolves in.

If you're accidentally luring wolves in. Over here. No, here's where I am. Then, you know what? Maybe dumb luck will just get you through this whole thing and it nearly did.

Do you think the wolves were like, where the fuck's that wolf from? Yeah. With that accent? They go, oh! It's like when there's

a new kid in class. They're like, I'll be the one to take him around. I'll be the one to take him around and show him all the things. I'll be his buddy.

The older wolves, was that a racial slur? The guy doesn't know what he's shouting at. It's just, Jesus Christ, he's just yelling. He's yelling very visual descriptions of sex. It's really odd. Or maybe he's starting fucking turf wars. Because when they say,

when they say wolves communicate with each other through elbows, what they mean is, like, you know, the way you communicate with somebody, like knocking on the door is communicating, hey, I'm at your fucking door. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not communicating in the sense of I'm conveying information to you

specifically through how sounds are. I'm more bringing you to the attention of something. When they say wolves are communicating with each other, like, it's just I'm over here, right? I presume so. It's just big Marco Polo. Would it be the same for whales? No.

Don't they do it a bit more? No, whales cry. Blubber. Every time. Fuck you. Fuck you so much for making me laugh at that god oh fuck all

it looks like it looks like a terrible set up such a terrible two wheels two wheels crying do they they blubber

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh

meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh meh I'm so angry Have you not watched Blackfish? Ah I didn't He's right I don't think that That whale was ever Sad You don't think that whale

Was ever sad? Yeah I feel like I was doing Backflips every day No No I haven't actually Have you not seen it? I'm pretty sure I haven't

It's I heard it's great Oh it's unbelievable It's an unbelievable documentary heard it's great, yeah. Oh, it's unbelievable. It's an unbelievable documentary. Is that about Telecom or a different one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's about Telecom. He was the one that killed three or four of them

and was clearly mentally... But it goes way from the start since when they... The opening bit of the documentary is like, they interview one of the guys, not people who work at SeaWorld, not a trainer, not an animal lover, just like this fucking fisherman guy who they employed with his crew to like

catch them a baby whale to raise in captivity. It's just him telling this story. I'm not, I shouldn't be laughing at this it's just because it's so horrible and I know how much Ewan loves horrible things and I just he's just talking about how they

manoeuvre the boat so they can separate the mum from the kid and then they do and they separate the kids out and they pull the kid out normally at this point obviously animals will fuck off. You steal a baby deer and the deer will just be like, oh, no, and fuck off and run away because they don't want to turn it into food.

All the School of Whales kept following the boat and they had the microphone in the water because that's how they find out where they are. And they were like, we've done studies since and we now know that that was the sound of five whales crying. Oh, no! Fucking! That's the opening scene of the movie!

Man, the next scene could be you beheading everyone at SeaWorld, and I'd be going, yeah, yeah, fucking! You made a whale cry? You made another species cry? That's how evil we are? Do you know what the worst part about it is, right? Say if someone kidnapped your child and was literally just, like,

could just hover 10 foot above you and go, man, you can't get me now. And you could just see them go the whole time. You're like, run. Yeah, awful. Maybe it will. And then also you're like, you take that kid away and you teach her how to jump and eventually it's like, if I just it will. And then also you're like, you take that kid away

and you teach her how to jump and eventually it's like, if I just learned to jump back then, I wouldn't be in this. So you're saying it's the whales' fault? I don't want to fucking victimly me. No, they've got the... Oh, man, watch the whole documentary

because it's also, you just realise, man, they just lied. People were like, how come their fins only ever go down in captivity does that mean they're sad and like everyone there has done six weeks at a shit university in florida about learning about like sea life and then they're just given the job and they're like no it's a dead healthy thing man they just hired teenagers that wanted to hang out with animals oh my god we're like you know what you're the experts because you're the only people that aren't against this because you're too young to

understand that this is just oh it's real good that's brutal i love it oh it's real good well i mean i i've well because that's a thing that we've learned you know in recent years that's a social change that's happening it used to be fine we were all for circuses we now know circuses

not class not a good thing to do you know they died out quick well most of the time you still see them around oh but I don't know I reckon

local ones they didn't like die do you mean like towards the end they died out like they just yeah yeah I think the second,

I reckon the second televisions came out. Okay. Yes. And were real decent. Like obviously you want to go see like a line close up. Yeah. That'd be good. But then I reckon,

I reckon circuses back in the fucking day, like when I'm even back in the day, I mean like 1500 years ago, I bet they were the shit because like I reckon that was just like man you're in the

middle of fucking England somewhere right or Ireland or Scotland or whatever you probably made mainland Europe right

because that's where you get the best ones right it's like the fucking 1300s and they've just managed to get

animals from fucking everywhere they've been up and down you see man there's no television. You see an elephant for the first time. And because this is the 1500s, health and safety is not a fucking thing.

So not only can you go and pay and see the elephant, tomorrow night it breaks out of its cage and gores your mother. And you're like, oh, this is so good. I mean, obviously, that's one of the bad experiences. Yeah. I remember they were In the Simpsons as well You remember there was

Two cage They had two Bengal tigers was it The two famous trainers Oh Siegfried and Royd Is that who it was Did they not get eaten

No they got bitten Okay But not Not eaten to death I like If you get bitten By a tiger on stage Definitely your fault

If you get eaten to death by a tiger on stage, people did not intervene fast enough and it really feels like... No, no. Is this part of it? No, no. Yeah, you know it's a fucking part of it. How the fuck would this be part of it? I don't know if he's doing

a bit still. It's just Roy being like, I don't know if this is... You know the show! We've done this show so many times! I don't know if this is You know the show We've done this show So many times I don't know I just follow your lead sometimes I know they They just got eaten

No but Ben No One of my favourite videos Back in the day Was a horse being hit By a Formula 1 Not a Formula 1 A rally car

Do you only see The mess that did Oh do I To the car mostly Like if a car hits a horse being hit by a Formula 1, not a Formula 1, a rally car. Do you want to see the mess that did? Oh, do I? To the car, mostly. Like, if a car hits a horse, like a rally car hits a horse, you know, like... Surely, well, the horse is still dead.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. It smashed the whole car and fucking... I was just like, what was going through that driver's head? Because you're expecting a lot of things. I'm making horse balls.

Thank you for that underarm throw. For fuck's sake. But aye, that was the big one today, I was like. Did you ever see the videos of Tommy Cooper dying on stage? Aye. Yeah. It's horrible. That's pretty funny though.

Yeah. Oh, I mean, don't get me wrong. It's the laughter. Yeah. If anyone doesn't know, Tommy Cooper was very, very, very famous. Probably the biggest during his time. Comedian.

Also did magic, but the whole joke was that he was very, very bad at magic. He was a very good performer. He literally died on stage in front of an audience who, because he did so much slapstick comedy, they thought it was a bit. So he just collapses. And there's video of this

that you can watch on the internet. It kind of goes back into the curtains. Yeah, yeah. And people are fucking this guy. He commits it all. God. Part of me, part of me sort of thinks,

you know, is there any better way to go as a comic, realistically? It's funny on so many levels. Immortalised? Yep. You know, the last thing you hear, the last thing you experience as you die

is a standing ovation. That's a good way to go out, you know? That's, you know, it's not heroin. It's not being sucked off to death by, you know, fucking... I was going to go, where are you going with this one? I don't know. Who's your big crush? You like Zendaya?

Dole Fred. No, I think, you know, that would be a good way to go. But on the other thing, I reckon it'd be fucking bad. If I had a heart attack on stage and just as you're dying, people think it's a joke, that would be my nightmare going, please take the... If somebody not taking this very serious thing seriously must have been...

Your last thoughts have been like my crowd are so stupid yeah my fucking dumbass fucking these stupid cunts I can

I can survive I can be getting CPR right fucking now I bet there's loads of dogs in the fucking but no no

I can have them shout these fucking let death come sooner I can't one more joke do you know like do you remember

some reason it reminded me of you know when you watch deaths they weren't ready for remember the time when Stade came over to show us the video of the guy in the homemade rocket oh yeah

yeah you know like to this day one of my favourite videos what was his fucking name I have to know it's sorry keep telling me

so basically fucking stayed came over Tom stayed came over to show us a video of a guy

that made a homemade rocket so he made a homemade rocket in his kitchen and the idea was he was going to blast into the sky

and he was going to prove that the earth was flat so there's a lot to unpack there you know and fairness to the guy, the rocket worked somewhat. It got cloud level.

The rocket worked? Yeah, yeah. The rocket, you know, it depends on the solution. The rocket got several hundred. You've got to question the man who makes a homemade rocket that can do that, but also forgets to tie the parachute on well. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah or somebody with that scientific knowledge couldn't just you

know get up in a fucking plane rent a helicopter yeah um he died he died the thing goes up in the air the parachute falls off the parachute falls off as it's going up in the air and you see him and he died oh it's you see him coming through the clouds the other side it's the gasp from

the audience that is the funniest they're like they're like oh no no no let me see it it's so do you know what we're saying like it is

the best thing about it is the fact that like I can never watch like back in the day really a lot of the deaf ones you know like I watched like

Kenneth Bigley's beheading back in the day oh no oh I the death ones you know like i watched like kenneth bigley's beheading back in the day oh no oh i was like 12 or whenever the fuck it happened but and i was like i feel sick this is awful uh but in that one i just felt like i was just like this is quite deserved it was so funny i want if we if it's the same one i think it's been done a few times that's the first thing is this the this if we hear this oh yeah we gotta take it in but uh the glee i think i'm sure we laughed about that for about man i still love yeah because i i saw him in manchester like two three weeks ago and i was like do you remember the thing and he was like what i go the boy fell in the thing and he was like, oh my God. Mike Hughes died after his homemade rocket crashed shortly after takeoff.

It happened at a fire event in the desert near Barbados. I want the audio. Because, yeah, that's going to be the one over. It's probably going to have to be a fucking Reddit or something. Oh my God. Is that place called Blast? I feel like this is the website. I don't know why. Oh, this is. Oh, great. Is that place called Blast? I feel like this is the website. Don't know why I feel like... Oh this is... Oh great, here we go.

You know it's not going to be good when you get that wind going? You can watch this video just type in... oh no you can hear the guy you can hear the pictures as well like oh no just just a fucking field full of stupid cunts and a field watching the death of another stupid cat how does it not bring joy to your lives um speaking of there was a fucking witch girl too there's actually quite a comical dust cloud when he hits the ground yeah yeah you kind of expect his under once it clears his underwear to float oh it's the tasmanian devil coming fucking hell um speaking of stupid idiots i've gone deep down rabbit hole of Reddit and the Los Angeles comedy scene Okay

What do you know about Brendan Schaub? Brendan Schaub, Joe Rogan a lot and he's the fighter and he's quite thick like stupid man Is he into conspiracies and stuff like that? He rattles,

he rattles on about, you know what, Joe Rogan loves him, because when Joe Rogan starts talking about fucking elk meat, he's like, yeah, I love it, I would, you know, so that type of thing. That's about as much as I know, and I know, if I'm right, he's the guy that tried to do stand-up.

Yes, yes. He started doing comedy now. So, he was an MMA fighter. He was an MMA fighter in the UFC For ages and he was Not good He was so not good That on One of

Joe Rogan's podcasts Joe Rogan was like you should stop Fighting Because you're not Going to beat any of the top ten people in your division. You're just not. You're great, but you're just not the best. And I'm concerned for your health and you should stop.

That's not good. That's so funny. He's the commentator. All right, Joe. So, and Joe Rogan likes him because, you know, Joe Rogan likes him. alright Joe so and Joe Rogan likes him because you know Joe Rogan likes him who am I to fucking judge clearly

you know thinks he's funny has him on the podcast and stuff but does what Joe Rogan does which is just give careers to people who shouldn't have a career I'm just helping helping so Brendan Shaw gets his own Who You know Yeah Shouldn't have a career I'm just helping Helping

Anyway So Brendan Shaw Gets his own Podcast with Sex offender Brian Callan Okay yeah I remember

The way Alleged sex offender Yeah yeah But Multiple accusations Of sexual assault Joe Rogan Never mentions it

On his podcast By the way Like the fact Never mentioned Chris D'Elia Never mentioned Brian Callan Just be like Yeah no Joe Rogan never mentions it on his podcast by the way like the fact never mentioned Chris D'Elia never mentioned Brian Callum just be like

yeah no Joe you've got quite a lot of friends who have been alleged of a lot of crimes what are you supposed to do I don't know write a show about it

anyway enough tooting my own horn he's on a podcast called Fighting the Kid with Brian Callum And People get into it They like it

I think People enjoy it Because you know Brendan Not the smartest guy But like knew he wasn't The smartest guy And sort of

Played up to it Yeah Yeah And then he started doing Stand up On the early comedy scene And then he And he had an hour special

within two years. Yeah, that's already... No. Right, and it was on Showtime. And it was because of the following that he had from his podcast and everything. And Joe Rogan was... Joe Rogan on one of his podcasts said,

I would have talked you out of doing the first special, but I'd already talked to you about fighting so I couldn't do it twice. No that's so good you're not going to be in the top 10 guys and you're not going to be in the top 1000 places and this is coming from someone who's also

not near the top 1000 fuck's sake so I've never paid Attention to I didn't watch his first special I didn't really watch MMA He was in it And man it's not my thing

So I don't You know I don't listen to The Joe Rogan podcast or anything So it's been off my radar But In the past week For some reason On my fucking Reddit

Loads of stuff about Brendan Shaw Starts coming up Right He's got a new special Oh my god right this one right

first one Showtime wasn't that great I've not watched all of it but it's what you'd expect from somebody who's been doing stand up

for two fucking years it's as good as that he's confident okay good he's got fair play he did batter people

for a living yeah yeah yeah he's got the confidence of someone who's used to whenever he's talking someone will laugh because they're afraid he'll give a shit

yeah yeah he's got another special out and so obviously like I don't much know about Reddit but it basically starts off it's like a board where people go to and they go oh I really like the show Wheel of Time and they'll go and if the group doesn't exist, they'll make a Wheel of Time TV show group,

and then people can join it, and that's just what you post about the show, and some communities get up to like two million people, some of them are small. The Fighter and the Kid one, the Crenshaw one, is like 62,000 people, and Matt, when I tell you every single one of his fans

fucking hates him it's that forum is the funniest thing I've ever been in my life that's the funniest thing I've ever been in my life

they just all they do is religiously watch any interview he does every podcast he does and they just meme it and they just

believe it and because he's and he's not a great guy like so one of the things that they're always talking about and i'm really deep down this rabbit hole i'm sorry this is boring to people but this has been my obsession for the past two weeks you know when you just find something that's just so i was saying this to you earlier the fact that we're all still just teenagers at high school at heart. Whenever I see just how little human beings have matured beyond our insecurities and bullying and social groups still exist,

even when people are fucking famous and big and whatever, they're still shy, they're still embarrassed, people don't like them, they still get aggressive and they feel, you know. Yeah, yeah. Brandon Shaw, one of the things they're fucking obsessed with is the fact that like he very clearly another girl on a different podcast tells this story about this big dumb guy who's new to stand up and shit who's married with two kids who asked it was like you should walk me to my truck and it was basically so that she could suck his dick she never says

that it's him but it's very clearly about Brendan Shaw right and it's on the she's on another podcast and do you know who Bobby Lee is

yeah right Bobby Lee how would you describe him mad aye what's he famous for you see

I always see him on like anytime I watched old videos he was always running around like he'd randomly

turn up on like Colin Quinn and he'd be chatting to like he'd randomly turn up on like Colin Quinn and he'd be chatting to, like he'd be always in interviews, but I've never actually seen him do stand-up. Yeah, yeah. So I've always known him as an entity. Yeah, basically like floating around those guys.

Yeah, funny. Like, but he's on all the podcasts and stuff. Comedians all really liked hanging out with him. Like he's clearly fun to hang around with because he's got all these fucking crazy stories and stuff. And I know he did stand-up. I don't know if that was what got him into it

anyway what's happened in this past week this has all fucking been kicking off is that Brendan Shaw's new special's coming out it's out it's only 20 minutes long this time

and it's on YouTube he's like I'm betting on myself this time and you're like go for it nobody else is betting on you but you know what fair play to him you fucking

you did it yourself you wrote the material you self produced it even if I've I've not seen the material so I can't say whether I like it or not but you know hustles

hustle respect he's going around plugging it everywhere and it's recently transpired that like him pretending that it's all cool with him and this other girl and like he's always said like the bobby lee's one of my oldest friends turns out like him and his crew have been like threatening bobby lee for years like if you fucking say anything about bad about me i'll not you'll not be in the joe

rogan podcast ever again i'll fucking ruin your career and Bobby Lee's like on his podcast he's like not willing somebody else brings it up he's not willing to talk about it because like so it's just them all going we'll fucking talk about it

like there's this fucking guy out there that's threatening you and your fucking livelihood so like even though he was already fucking disliked Brendan Shobbs

it's going through this. Or it feels as if he's about to go through this big dive and I know I shouldn't enjoy it. But do you? But in the same way,

you know, it's not shown for it because I don't hate the guy, I've never met him. But this horrible thing that we all get, you know when you watch reality TV shows

and the media makes this person, you know, they did what they did to Jade Goody and they just vilify her so much that you media makes this person you know they did what they did to Jade Goody and they just vilify her so much that you fucking

hate this person I've just I've done that to myself yeah yeah I've wound myself up about Brendan Shaw for about a month and I've

you're basically a daily mail reader reading about Raheem Sterling yes yeah yeah no motherfucker got a sink piece of shit.

Aye, basically. But also, you know, I mean, you know, I think I can confidently say Raheem Starling's a better bloke than... Yeah, yeah. ...than Brendan Schaub. But, man, if you ever want to see... If you ever just want to see a group of adults

bully an ex-MMA fighter to the point where he's like, I don't read any comments, and it's very clear that all he does is go on Reddit and read all this stuff. Because he accused Bobby Lee of being the guy that started the Reddit page. The reason people turned on him was because he showed himself to be a fucking big idiot, somebody who regularly fucking cheated, just not a good bloke. Fans all turned on him

because they just thought he was a piece of shit. But, so I'm down this fucking rabbit hole. I'll update anyone. If they want to get involved and you want to talk to me about this, please, for the love of God, go on the Reddit. I'll happily gossip about this with some people

I feel like I should love Reddit I'm never honest it's you know what do it now because it's over like Reddit was huge like 12 years ago and I've caught it late

just because I took Instagram off my phone because that was the thing I scrolled and it was just making me sad because you know all you do is just compare yourself

to everyone else and I was like I'll just get something where I can't do that I don't mind mindlessly scrolling I have lots of time to mindlessly scroll but I don't want to put sad information in my head while I do that and make my natural but if I can just go things where it's just memes and shit

so I've gotten into it I mean I mainly use it I got into it originally, this is the sad thing I got into it to join the Wheel of time book oh you told me about this so oh it's so sad i'm rereading the wheel of time series and i had some really in-depth questions it's the fact that there's answers to them oh man man man i've had some really long conversations with people on reddit just being, look, if Psyden was tainted

in the Dark One's seal how come its counterpart Psydar and they're like, well because obviously that's the woman's form of magic and because they weren't there for the sailing of the boat, man these are long conversations Oh my god almighty Nerdiest, nerdiest fucking thing That's Reddit and the internet Little community, thing em that's that's reddit and the internet

the little community but now I'm serious at least it's that and not fucking don't come to school tomorrow types you know

oh should we check whether the oh man I've never checked whether there's a Slausons and Humphreys on the road god because that's that's when

no I wouldn't oh no I wouldn't because that's when I would turn reddit into exactly what all the other social medias I left were yeah yeah you know it's got to be

separated you'll get it in your head and then you'll medias I left were. It's got to be separated. You'll get it in your head and then you'll be like, I better check this up. Aye, and also, well maybe it'd be good because I'm getting to a stage now, I don't know if I actually am, whether I just feel that way. Where? Man, I'm dead cool, or at least so much more cooler with people not liking

me now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I would get that. But you're big enough that you cover you've covered everyone it's like literally impossible not to have a community that go after you i you know i yeah but i i and i know and and also none of us want to be the comedian that appeals to everyone like it's yeah it's one of the things is like you know we talk about offensive comedy and people being sensitive i'm like i'm like to all I'm like, you understand we need sensitive people in the world for comedy to be funny, right? Yeah.

You understand? That's the Patrice O'Neill one, isn't it? 70% of the crowd should love you and 30% should fucking hate you. Is that where I fucking got that from? It was Patrice O'Neill that said it somewhere. I literally said that. I know where he said it. The Green Room with Paul Provenza.

I'm pretty sure Bob Saget was there with him oh fucking oh god that's such a sad episode aye it's like Patrice

Bob Saget I'd like to say Roseanne Barr maybe it wasn't yeah because I know there's a couple episodes where they're all mixed up then there's like

someone weird I think Bo Burnham might have been there Bo Burnham did one of the best appearances on the green room I think I might be mixing two episodes up

but aye Bo Burnham was one of the best appearances on the Green Room that's the one I think I might be mixing two episodes up but aye Bo Burnham was on with Ray Romano and Mark Maron and that one that died Larry Sanders

I think it was a couple of years ago that's where he did Art is Dead no because I literally that 70% of the audience has to love it but 30% has to hate it

I quoted that yesterday without knowing the audience has to love it but 30% has to hate it I quoted that yesterday without knowing who the quote was from a fucking it's a good three sec Q&A yeah but yeah but it is so true

you need people to fucking hate it and you need people to be sensitive about subjects so that those subjects are taboo so that when you

pick up that subject and play with it the audience goes no don't there's nothing fun about somebody being like, oh, let's do jokes about marshmallows. You're like, well, nobody's offended by marshmallows.

Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, it's still impressive to make that funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's no jeopardy and there's no this is wrong, we shouldn't be doing this. You know, so much of what laughter is, is like, oh, God, we should. Oh, we better not.

Aye. I have a new joke that it plays with just they wanted to end yeah so that when you get to the punchline they're like oh thank god you know like that's an odd one i've never done that before and it's just quite funny that they're sometimes you just don't hear it is it one where they know what the punchline is no it's not that they don't know where it's going it's just that I'm literally speaking Nothing but historical facts About a horrible thing About Emperor Nero

That's what it's about So they're like Reading it off And they're just like This is horrible And it's just actual facts Of stuff he's done I can't really give it away

Because of Bling But like The funny thing is They're always just like Please play this Yeah this is horrible I don't want to hear this I like doing the ones

Where The It's not so much a pull back reveal but if you do a joke with the audience where you've established what the punchline is already and it's already a punchline they don't like and what you then do

is instead of doing a call back that surprises them you clearly set up something that's going to be a call back to that horrible bit because then you can tell a joke without telling a joke because if yeah yeah very obviously leave an audience if you if you if you've said something really horrible at the start and you lead them to that same point and they jump to that conclusion you can say the horrible thing again without saying it yes yes said it and whenever the audiences are bastards you can say whatever you fucking like yeah yeah good uh and

that's the sort of deep uh comedy science that you'll see on any of the brendan shop the only the only the only thing that he did not the only thing i thought i think cheating when you have a wife and kids is just gross and disgusting. Like it's just, you know, if that's pathetic or grow up, you're a grown up, be a dad. And another thing that really did my head in,

he was talking shop. He was talking comedy shop. I'm like, motherfucker, you don't get to talk comedy. You don't get to talk comedy shop until a fucking decade. I was about to say decade as well he's not got a real proper way

of entering the business either you didn't enter the job as a real comic you didn't gig in front of a neutral fucking audience and work out how to make them laugh what happened was Joe Rogan went do you want this career

and you went, Okay! And then mishandled it for a while. Yeah. Now he's going to threaten me. Well, that'd be very funny. I'm not on the LA scene. I go there.

Do you remember Joe Rogan's The Artist Do Fucking? Oh, I watched it again the other day because it's so funny. It's so... Talk and shat. If you don't know, somebody basically cut up a video. I think it was like a lot of people saying, you were seeing people...

Well, amongst comics... Yeah, it's a chat amongst comics on the thing. If you physically... Stool fuckers. If there's a stool on stage where your drink goes, if you physically have sex with the stool for part of the performance, it's just lazy hack shit.

Like, it's just like, it's, you know, it's very open, you know, it's doing the wanker sign. You know, it's not, it'll make people laugh, but do you feel good about making people laugh? You know, there's nothing creative or good about it. It's just a bit hack.

And so many comedians believe this. And they're on the podcast. And there's just this compilation of like Andrew Schultz. And I can't remember the other ones. It's just all been like, Stove, fuck is this, Stove. And it's all just the time Joe Rogan's like, but what if the bit requires a fucking off the Stove?

And they're like, well, you just don't write a bit where you have to fuck a stool and he's like yeah you know I get it I get it I get it but like sometimes it's good for the bit and then it's just him and all the times multiple times in every single special that he's fucked a stool

I did see someone in Ireland he's a Nigerian Irish comedian and it's not Emmanuel it's not because I know people look, Irish comedian. And it's not Emmanuel Adama. It's not. It's not. Because I know people who look at us go,

Emmanuel Adama? No, it's not. But this guy, I went to, I supported him at the fucking lounge and he went and like, he basically had sex

with the stool for, he goes, I was having sex with an Indian girl and he had a DJ just blast out Indian music and he sat there for like an hour.

It felt like an hour when they were like sitting in the seat like this. Like the... That one. Yeah. Oh, gross. Oh, the only thing, the best thing though,

I think I've told this, the funniest thing that of all time that has ever happened, I've ever seen in a comedy thing happened at the very end. So we're sitting at the back and he's trying to, like he goes,

okay, that's the end of the show he's just done all Patrice O'Neill and Chris Rock's best material right so we heard everybody's like this guy's amazing

I'm like fucking right it's all the most famous jokes in the world right but because it's done in the middle of fucking nowhere they're like we don't

why would we know no this guy used to be not allowed to do the weekend shows because he was stealing the thing but he was famous enough from Facebook that he could hire the venue to his own crowd so it's so funny but he wasn't

allowed on the same bloody venue at an actual comedy night but he was allowed to hire it out so but anyway he was basically uh at the very end he tried to do like a i've never laughed so hard he went uh he has the dj right side stage Like the DJ's Full DJ booth Like Not even at the back Like in full view So just to the right And The guy was playing

Indian music for a while And At the very end He's like Okay guys You know They all have a big He's standing in the vision

And he just goes Just before I go And he starts tearing up And he's like I don't wanna Like I lost my dad You know

A couple of months ago And I just wish he could, and the DJ accidentally hits the air horn. I collapsed at the back. I fucking never, like, I was on the floor, the timing, and the DJ looked mortified, like, oh, God, hit that. It's like, it was making me go, like, God, yeah,

my mom's, and you go, baldy. It is one of the funniest things I've ever seen have you ever seen the ending of Paddy McGuinness's special

oh I have it's I hope it's on YouTube I hope it's oh is it I know this

it's Knives something about Knives oh oh Jesus yeah I know this it's knives something about knives oh Jesus yeah I know it, I think I know what it is it's when he doesn't, I love it when comedians, before this even when comedians learn something like a way to, you know if they're

doing a thing, oh you lower your voice but they don't have the material or nothing makes sense with it, it's like they don't actually understand what's happening. They've used a formula to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, this is... Is this it?

I hope this is it. This is his full special. We'll not watch this but just the ending of it. I imagine. Yeah, so Tuna and I are going to listen to The Hour of Paddy McGinnis'.

Oh, God. Yeah, he... Like, I actually... I don't remember what he was from. Was it Phoenix Knights or something? Yeah. oh god yeah he like I actually I don't remember what he was from was it Phoenix Knights or something yeah

okay well he's dancing now it might not be this one let me just stick into Google we were at we were at

Alan Partridge there a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty like half of it was amazing and half of it was just pure filler. You're like, here's dancers.

And I go, what the fuck are you doing? Like a better bird than ours. I sadly cannot find it. So Paddy McGuinness is a TV show host that was gifted a career in comedy by Peter Kay, who, if you're into comedy, isn't good at comedy. But if you've never watched comedy in your life who if you're into comedy isn't good at comedy but if you've never watched comedy in your life

is very good at comedy Paddy McGinnis isn't much better but I don't think he pretends to be either he's got his audience but the end of his show is he's literally talking I think he's talking about knife crime but he's just like

you know there's all these stabbing and there's all these beheadings all this terror happening in the world. I just think if we could all just be a bit more kind to each other, we wouldn't have any of that. Thank you very much. And that's his profile.

I know I'm butchering it. He does it in a much more grandiose way. Aye, that was it. But just like the most, when somebody, and again, I know I'm the king of this. When somebody who's immensely thick says something they think is profound, it's the funniest thing in the entire world. I'll often catch myself being like, that was quite a profound thought.

And then later on, I'll see it on a card, on a birthday card. A towel? Yeah, yeah, a live, laugh, love sign. I'm like, I say live, laugh, love in my head. Oh, no. Oh, plug your socials, now that you have socials. Yeah, I'm back on socials. I'm on Instagram.

I'm on TikTok now. You fucking sailor. It's fucking depressing. It is sad. Gareth had a really, really good tweet the other day, which I couldn't agree with more Which is No I don't watch

TikToks and TikToks I watch TikToks 48 hours later When they're less popular On Instagram Reels like an adult Yeah that's perfect Cause that's where

Like I know I'd enjoy TikToks Cause there's so much funny stuff Happening on there I just can't do it A terror fact You don't have to do it luckily You feel like Well I've been

I've been told by like I've been kind of like everybody's like you're well far behind here you're not putting anything out in whatever reasons but like they were like uh get on this and you'll stick it on burn off your old material and the thing because it goes off and i go i get it there's a lot of things but i've already kind of done this shit before this whole famous internet it doesn't it never has translated to properly to arsesis' on seats or anything like that. And you just feel dirty. I still feel dirty about it. So I'll give it another two weeks.

I think, no, I think the tech, because I've got friends who are very, very TikTok famous now. Darcy Michael is a really great Canadian comic who has, I've been lucky enough to have him support me from places over there. He was one of those where he was man he was always so funny and you know what was it didn't never got his break never like had the occasion to but things just you know in really good comedians i mean you know when things just

don't pop it's the fucking nature of the industry him and his fucking husband jr on tiktok have blown the fuck up and that apparently is for him translating into okay sales so i would stick with it well you see you know what the problem with tiktok is it's a horrible like because i haven't i was only on it like two weeks ago or whatever and before that i remember vine was much better like nicer and so creative everything's thing this one is just like designed to make anybody be famous right but the problem is like i like i was getting help with fucking because i didn't even know how to do it you know like it was lame with no i was like an old man lame how did you make these videos right and lame was just like here's what you have to do

and it's very funny the worst part is not putting your stand-up up it's that not only does the hashtags they're also sad it's the fucking the fact that nobody will listen to after two seconds unless you have a caption on over the video going oh fucking look at madness transpired here or like and that's the sad part you've got so it's the stuff like uh i can't believe what the fuck did i what the fuck did i have calling out the English in England or my mother did what my grandmother did what

and the fact is if you post it without that it just nobody even listens everybody's just like yeah ball cunt aye it's just you've got to do the shitty dance to get the attention Of the

Soul destroying I know But I'll do it Yeah well he's on TikTok You can catch him there So yeah Follow me Follow me on that

And me and Gareth Are starting up the podcast Again This week The NFL Clearing a bit of this NFL podcast Oh I decided

I decided on a team Have you decided Who did you go? Denver Broncos You decided this before this off season When they became really good Do you know the Denver Broncos stole Gareth Waugh's Favourite player? The Russell Wilson, the one he's on all his jersey

So now you've suffered to The one thing you can tease him on Bring me on to the next episode And I'll brag about that thing Yes, perfect See you next time, cats