Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Sloth, Sloth and Sloss

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Muggins and Cream are joined by Estonia's finest Ari Matti to discuss huffing paint and other such recreational activities. Ari enjoys the spoils of war by being able to freely talk smack about the Russians.

Hello podcast listeners and Patreon people. Just an apology that this early access is not as early access as you are used to. It's because the fringe has kicked off and we're just enjoying it a little bit too much and we've had to set up our shows and stuff. But it's still early access compared to the rest of those cheap fucking cunts. So you're still getting your money's worth. Thanks for your support. I know a bunch of you have definitely come to my show

during the French. You've come to Gareth's and Nelson's and stuff. We appreciate that so much. It means so much that you come see us and to our guests as well that you support. So please keep doing that. Today's guest, we have Ari Matty. We had him on when we were in Estonia.

So, I mean, he's always one of our best guests so we speak about that his show's on he'll plug that at the fucking end it's a good one there is a stoner break in the middle

where Kai remains sober but still fails to get at least two fucking jokes so see if you can just keep an eye out for them apart from that cheers again

see you on fucking Thursday and then and then never stop giving us money just never never do it you can you don't need to eat so much

you're getting fat you can cut that down you drink too much you don't need that car there's other things in your life that you can cut out before three four five pound a month

fuck off man come on be reasonable oh but Daniel you live in a mansion yeah I right okay and I want another one so

Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

We said we'd have guests. Aye. Didn't say we'd have fucking pay-diddy though, did we? How you doing, Ari? Good. How are you guys? It's not a jumpsuit you're in. It's not.

It's just a look. You are, it's not a jumpsuit you're in. It's not, it's just a look. And did you say it was the Weeknd's line? Yeah, I mean, the fact you don't even... I don't listen to any music. I only know the Weeknd from Adam Sandler's movie. You guys recognise Exo, right? I mean, Jesus Christ, yeah.

They know Exo, yeah. Actual consumers. Yeah. You need to get closer to the consumer. I know the Weeknd. Yeah. Yeah, but you know, if you see the consumer I know of the weekend yeah but you know if you see this

you know it's weekend right because they're big right the weekend yeah they are big is it not just

one bloke it is one bloke he is the weekend it's not like oh the weekend are here that's

Brian the weekend his rap name his rap name. His rap name's The Weekend. Yeah, exactly. But he's also being progressive about saying it's a group, you know. Like people say Drake is a group, you know.

Well, yeah, that's because he definitely doesn't do most of the stuff himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So did you get that tracksuit for cheap? 10 pounds, yeah. Nice. You look a million dollars. What? What would it fetch on the black market 260

whoa I think it was 260 yeah that's the first that's the Google result I wanted to have you know when you Google something

and you go like nah not this 50 pounds no 260 there you go can I have the one that fits my narrative

please exactly yeah even though it's on page 7 of Google isn't Google wonderful that literally any narrative

like it just goes I'm not I'm just here to prove you right I'll find the article you need Yeah, even though it's on page seven of Google. Isn't Google wonderful that literally any narrative... It just goes, I'm just here to prove you right. I'll find the article you need to come across intelligent. You can go, Brock Lesnar is not on Reuters. And it would be like, never has been. Written by Brock Lesnar. Yeah, yeah. But no, but it says like, yeah, even, I mean,

even like genuine news sites, you know. Like you see like telegraph.co.uk or something, and you're like, it has.co.uk. Must be real. Must be real. I mean, why would they? It says subscribe to pay more than must be telling the truth. Yeah.

If I have to pay three pounds, it must be the truth. There's no way. You can't charge me three pounds for a lie. Yeah. There's no way someone in America would charge me for lies. That would be insane where's my favourite church channel

the way you said America yeah why what the way I pronounced it or no it's every time it's just delicious

it's perfect yeah well just because they are yeah they're a different breed of you know psycho

I still feel like you know whenever people complain about like all the really, like in the UK, it's going to turn into Sharia law here. You're like, you know, in America, they have the Christian version of, like it's Christian like law. Like if you want a mental religious country, if you're that scared of it, look over there. Yeah, but America has like Spotify and stuff, you know,

they're like on Twitter on TikTok you know it's like a different breed of well do you think they still think they're the best in the way that

Man United fans still think they're the best no no I think they're more like Arsenal fans where they're like that's that one moment yeah yeah

and they're no no and they're still like and we're still up there we're still we're still part of the top four I just pretended to get that reference you didn't get the reference?

I don't know sports you're in all red as well I was telling before I was catching the bus and I was walking past some dude I was listening to music and I just hear fuck it's like green guys at me and then I walk a bit forward and I just, you know, fuck, fuck, yeah. And I look, it's like green, green guys at me.

And then I walk a bit forward and the red guy's like, fuck. He never just got into Sunday League football until he was on the pitch playing. He had full colours and he was a full kit wanker at Sunday League. Was he not? I thought it was Hibs v. Harts today or something. No, he didn't walk across East Elk Road. Oh, no. I think he walked across the meadows. Oh, right, okay, I see.

He didn't just do a pitch. All the references I don't understand no well to be fair now it's like having our podcast listeners in the room

because they fucking hate when we talk about football because none of them listen to none of them watch football because most of my fans

are women because I'm safe yep I have the exact same thing when I start to talk about UFC you know

I go on a podcast and then I find out somebody's into UFC and then an hour and 30 minutes later, it's like the podcast is about music. And you gained no new fans.

Yeah, yeah. Nobody's coming to see you live after listening to you talk. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And also the fact that we don't talk about sport

coherently enough to get sports fans in. Like any sports fan that listen to a little five minute segment. Yeah, that's the worst sports. That's my sports talk. It's like not like

the hardcore guys are always pissed off and then the casuals don't understand. I'm hitting absolutely no one. I'm not introducing anyone to the sport and bringing them on board

and I'm not impressing anyone that loves it. I'm just... Have you ever done punditry? No. Yes, you have. It still counts. You were on Soccer AM.

Oh, yes. So Soccer AM is like a big TV show. It's an entertainment TV show revolving around football. And it'll be like they'll get their celebrity guests to take penalties against the... Okay, okay. But the audience is just like fans of a specific team one week

and there's I don't know if they still do it but there's always this gross bit of the show and they're like and here's the female fans and they all come out like things

and you've just got these bald lady men being like fucking yeah they look those cheerleaders look class and you're like glad it's half eleven on a Saturday

it's like Zoo Magazine yeah yeah if Zoo Magazine was a TV show so it did that and then there. Zoo Magazine was a TV show. So it did that. And then... Actually, it was a World Cup winning,

Michael Silvestre. Sure. So a French footballer who played for Man United won the Premier League. In his retirement, he started making rum. And he gave us a bottle of rum.

So we went on soccer air and come back with Michael Silvestre's rum. When is your alcohol coming out? I know that's right oh well i mean because every comedian has an alcohol now every comedian has an alcohol all the sober ones so which is so sad you know when it's like a sober comedian now has a tequila ron white or something you know yeah it's just i really don't want to do anything that even slightly follows in the footsteps of Brendan Shaw. He's got his own thick boy. You'll say no to a million pound deal just to spite Brendan Shaw. Which in a way he won, to be fair.

That he's influencing the career of a major celebrity. Of a much better comic. Yeah, yeah. Which, yeah, you know what? The fact that you took him into account when making your decisions is like a real compliment to his power for sure no that's absolutely no because we were talking about this yesterday we both hate follow the uh bread shop reddit page i only know this through him yeah yeah i'm never like a big like reddit uh fucking

you know those comedy forums sometimes I read them they're funny I've never been into the dramas and stuff but this one is too juicy to ignore it's too good

because it's such a funny storyline a UFC fighter goes on Joe Rogan podcast and then all of that and then Joe Rogan tells him not to be a fighter anymore

because he's bad at fighting and then he goes in that case I'll be a comedian. And Joe Rogan's like, it's not even close to what I meant. I just meant be happy, you know? Stop betting me.

Spend time with your kids. And that like, it's so funny that like that conversation of like stop fighting trickles down to Bobby Lee being called an IP, you know, address terrorist. Yeah, yeah.

He speaks for Bobby Lee, one of the nicest and most tech-phobic people in address terrorist. Yeah, yeah. He speaks of Bobby Lee, one of the nicest and most tech-phobic people in the world. A human dumpling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one that's just running this page. Yeah, with tatted up eagles, you're like, well, we found multiple confirmed IP addresses from your producers.

I'd never seen this Bobby Lee before. I just heard you mention him, and then I saw a clip, and I realised it was him who you were talking about. It was a clip about him being raped by a disabled guy. And that was on the Fire and the Kid. It was some of the funniest shit I've ever heard. It's very funny.

So that was on the Fire and the Kid podcast which was like back when they were friends and before Brian Callan threatened to kill Bobby Lee because he bought into the conspiracy theory that Bobby Lee was running the fucking Reddit. And they all podcasted together. We're not trying hard enough.

We need to have this kind of fucking gossip and beef. Oh, you will. Shall we start beefing? Well, we could be. You're like the biggest podcast in Estonia. We could have like a fucking... Oh, yeah. What a beef for your career.

What a great... Have you heard of this country? no well Daniel Sloss has a problem with it I don't feel like well maybe the can we talk how is Estonia at the minute

because you sound like amazing can you smell the cooking from next door well yeah it is I just was telling Dan yesterday as well that I call you Dan now.

We're at that point, yeah. That it's like I have a bit about that because we're seeing how shitty Russia is doing at the war. It's kind of like when you realise that you're a high school bully and shit. Yeah, he couldn't fight. Like all the Baltics are like... It was all stacha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're both 25 now and he's not grown up and he's got a shitty fucking job. Yeah, you're taller than him. Yeah, yeah. Like now we go to the Russian marketplace we're like, huh,

there are no guns, huh? Like... Yeah, yeah. Like it's just shit foot. There's no way you can't have nukes. I've seen your tanks. There's no way you've got nukes. You might have a big bit of metal

that has the word nuke written on the side and somebody pointed that out to Putin and he went no no there are nukes but for sure

they're not able to fly. They'll have to bring it to Yeah, cockroaches have eaten all the YAs there's like cobwebs everywhere

in the Did you see the video of the Russian guy running like this looking at the drone like just ha ha yeah no

I mean the weird thing about watching World War 3 in this generation is you can just watch on Reddit TikTok

people being killed by drones there's like Benny Hill music like there's like genuinely there's like

we found these Russians and they're hiding and they drew a big Z on the ground and on the ukrainian farm and i've drew and i drew was like well thank you very much and there's like this homemade grenade thing that they just drop and then you see one of them pretending to be dead and then two of them disappearing and it's to the benny hill theme tune and you're like well i mean i hate the russians and you know i like this music and this is great and then you sort of come off it and you're like what well, I mean, I hate the Russians and, you know, I like this music and this is great. And then you sort of come off it and you're like, what the fuck, what year am I living in?

Dude, they were conscripted teenagers. I just... Yeah, you watch like TikToks of like, I know it's like, you know, like hot Ukrainian women in like with guns and like hot Ukrainian guys. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Just TikTok-ing. I'm like, you've got acking algorithm to me i think i'd show you show daniel yeah yeah yeah show the boy oh yeah check this out remember the snake island guy remember the

guy who told the russian warship to go fuck himself yeah i got this tattoo yeah that's off the island and it's ukrainian for, I was walking across the road just one day and I saw a Ford Sierra full of Ukrainians, dudes, with shit in their back, Ukrainian plates. And I just was crossing and I just showed them the fucking car. And they started banging. Yeah, just help morale. It's a funny tattoo.

But there's a reason it's on my leg. I don't want to have it on my back. Yeah, you don't want to, you know, have it on my back. Yeah, you don't want a neck tattoo. I have my pants on most of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see how this pans out. Let's hope the Russians don't win the Ukraine thing and then come into Estonia.

Something happens? I would have gotten a neck tattoo, but let's see how this... Yeah, you don't want to switch sides in season two. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I see how this works out. No, but it's like, I would say, I don't you don't want to switch sides in season two yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I see how this works out no but it's like I would say I don't know politics

or nothing but artistically creatively it's a great time whenever there's tension there's tension to be released and it's just fun you can say

I've said you know yeah what I have a bit where I open like bomb Russia I'm like

fuck you know if you haven't left by now, fuck you too. And it's in one of those, there was a story in theaters that we play in when there's still the fucking hammer and sickle from fucking 30 years ago. You know, because our generation has never gotten an excuse to shit talk the Russians. I mean, we do, but it sounds kind of, you know, like before, if I would say something about,

you know, something negative about Russia, it has to be a good bit. Otherwise, it just sounds hateful. But now, since we have a connection, I mean, our grandmothers, grandfathers can say whatever the fuck they want, because they're like, oh, offended? Siberia, twice, on trains.

I ate Russian man shit, you know? I mean, it's hard to, yeah. But now, actually, we have something Russian man shit you know like I mean it's hard to yeah but now actually we have something as well you know and it is funny that on the

on the time of social media to like watch a war it's just interesting so weird like all that Ukrainian president like on the cover of Vogue it's just an interesting

yeah political little yeah I guarantee he'll be the biggest man of the year and he'll be Times Man of the Year. And he'll be like, oh, great, you also gave this to Donald Trump. Yeah. Thank you for this.

And you know, Time Man of the Year, you know what's next. The Joe Rogan experience. There'll be Brendan Shaw arguing with Vladimir Zelensky. No, no, it'll be Alex Jones, because they'll just be like, he's had a year, he made us talk about things. Tell me what's happened to Alex Jones. So Alex Jones is obviously a piece of shit who just peddles conspiracy theories

so he can sell literally snake oil to dumb Republican Americans. What was his thing about... After Sandy Hook, he claimed that it was a false flag operation by the left to essentially try and get rid of guns he claimed that all

the parents of dead children he does like 8 hour podcasts a day he's going to claim everything is false yeah yeah yeah well I mean and that's essentially

his defence now he's like you know I wasn't lying because I believed these things to be true and they're like we don't care if you believed it

to be fucking true that doesn't change the fact that it's a lie that doesn't change the law. So basically to the point where there were parents of children who could not visit their child's graves because they were being harassed there by people being like, you're a liar. That's like, we know this is all fucking for eight years. These people couldn't see their go to their children's fucking graves. And Joe Rogan and Andrew Schultz are like,

we'll have him on the podcast. He's a wacky guy. He's going to say children's fucking graves. And Joe Rogan and Andrew Schultz are like, we'll have him on the podcast. He's a wacky guy. He's going to say the word retarded. We're going to humanise fucking scum. They've all brought up that. Now he's finally getting his comeuppance because it ruined these families' lives. They've proved that he did lie. So now it's to find out the damages that he's due.

And it's only one family that's currently suing him. And the lawyers... The two families got 50 million dollars 15 million yeah two families did 50 does he have one five or five zero 50. and does alec jones have 30 million yeah they've shown documents that at some points he was earning a million dollars a day yeah nice so what is it that he does can we do that two families are getting 50 million and there's like

three more court cases oh there's seven more yeah yeah yeah so and also because once you win the first court case that he has it's much easier

because that's the way American law works if you can prove this case was won before that's how you prove it happens again and we know the standard set for damages

so man hopefully it fucking ruins him I hope it ruins his family you know what's going to happen after all these settlements right live from Joe Rogan's studios 100% he's absolutely

going to just be like so I like Alex Jones I laugh at him I know we disagree on that it's just so stupid it's just the most American

but you're enjoying it as a character act which would be fucking phenomenal it's earnest though right frogs are the reason men are gay that was a great one

yeah slow rides in the water is turning he did a show during the court case and his phone

got fully leaked his lawyers accidentally sent the full contents of his actual phone to the other lawyer yeah and then also

when they found out didn't go whoops please don't use that in court were just like why would he be out to get out

against me next podcast Joe Rogan Vladimir Zelensky Brendan Shaw Alex Jones called it here that's what I'm saying

that's the new version of the music are you watching it and Brendan's gonna argue he's gonna be like you know I went to something like you did

with Bobby Lee you know Vladimir's like who's Bobby Lee America please send us money we need guns so now

well I mean he's basically just hopefully completely and utterly fucked at this point and hopefully it just gets consistently worse

for him you know he's going to move to Australia and take that island over or something oh I mean

and they are ripe for the conspiracy theory picking for sure in the country I feel like in Australia they've got real liberal city centres.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Texas. Yeah. It's like you get the really overcompensating to the point of apologetic about the rest of the country. All the liberal people manage to make their way to the centre

and those that didn't, you know. It's like a centrifuge is stupid. But it's like so little. Like Melbourne is just in the middle. A little just up. A little just a... A little Denver. We were having a conversation last night. You hate Australians.

It's not... No, no, no, no. We talked to them. They're listening. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Tell them. Let me just say how you don't remember.

No, no, no, no. I need to... Caviar. Tickets and comedy festival. Great. No, I lived in Melbourne. No, it's just Australia. no, no. I need to... Caviar. Tickets and comedy festival. Great. No, I lived in Melbourne. No, it's just a straight... Yeah, yeah.

Uncultured people, you know. But, you know, just shoes inside, the carpets everywhere, dirty apartments. The way they eat food, the way they consume food. Disgusting. No, they've never contributed.

I mean, mean okay with America okay Alex Jones I'll take that as a hit but weekend oh that's Canada

I know they're going to get pissed off I feel like you're doing your like ginger people have dirty feet thing

no no no no like you know America contributes name one Australian Fosters oh yeah they. Fosters.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They export fosters. You can have dirty piss water lager if you want it. And every time they name an entertainer, every time they name an entertainer, but he's Australian, they move to America as soon as they got out there. The same one with Canadians.

Canadians love to do that. Like Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey's ass as soon as he got his first paycheck left yeah yeah they do really bad

chocolate in Australia really bad yeah or the coffee you must like it for that yeah but only Melbourne I love Melbourne

oh yeah but the boop in the little see I love I love and just the weather it's just hot uncomfortable

the people I don't know you know what's funny about this we do a rewind Wednesday where we do a flashback episode every Wednesday and I just there's a couple of listeners

like suggest stuff and the last one was your massive rant about Australia and now we're following it up straight away with a podcast

as if you're just picking up as I was saying two years ago Australia's one of the really good countries in the fact where with most of the people is you can just picking up as I was saying two years ago. But Australia's one of the really good countries in the fact where with most of the people

is you can just fucking badmouth them for ages and as long as it's funny they'll go yeah. Like it's not like in America where you have to do the caveat of like still love you

no it's not all of you I'm just talking about certain Americans here. You can be like all Aussies are cunts and Aussies are like yeah fuck yeah. You know what I'm saying the wifi there is so bad and Iies are like, yeah, fuck, yeah. You know what I'm saying? The Wi-Fi there is so bad,

and I just feel like a country having bad Wi-Fi, right? It's just like a man having a weak handshake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like hands here are just a limp hand, and you're just like, oh, really? That's the standard you set for yourself? Check the scores. I love how you compared my rant to Daniel Schlosser's rant,

very funny, of Australia. He's just like 12 minute article and I'm like, fuck shit Ireland. Mine is like a TikTok rant. Mine is a TikTok rant. Flip-flop racist fuck.

We were talking about it because Australia is always like, we've got such good food and you're like, yeah, because you let the Asians in like you didn't do your own good food what's Australian

cuisine? Barbecue and shit barbecue and shit barbecue you know we can't talk

about barbecue British barbecue is the absolute worst Aussie barbecue is 100% above British barbecue but then there's

the Texas barbecue yeah you Scots fuck it up like you oh my god there'll be like such a delicious

you know it's called like toaster brunch there's all these delicious places delicious coffee be like oh free range egg with the yolk running

everything avocado you know and then you put your bacon on it like a boiled ham and I'm like what the fuck

American bacon one just take it as a hit yeah you put your bacon on it, like a boiled ham. And I'm like, what the fuck? Not like crispy American bacon. American bacon one. Just take it as a hit. Yeah. Oh, like, I want bacon. Yeah,

I know you do, yeah. I like, I want bacon. Greasy spoons. I miss it when I'm cutting across Europe. Yeah. To be fair,

I do. American bacon, like the crispiest. English bacon? Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, they fucking 3D print American bacon

because it's made from fucking rat eyes. Yeah, I'm sure. It's actually fucking. Yeah, I'm sure the English bacon had an A. It's just fucking paste. Yeah, but I mean they fucking 3D print American bacon because it's made from fucking rat eyes. I'm sure the English bacon had an A. It's just fucking paste. They told it to, somebody painted it to look like fucking

bacon and they sprayed bacon flavour on it. Yum, yum, yum. You think there's a field of pigs right now? You never drive past pigs.

This is our Alex Jones conspiracy. 3D print the bacon. There's no pigs in America where have you seen one no you drive past you'll see fields full of sheep

fields full of cows horses llamas alpacas you'll see that is true that there's a lot of bacon I don't see too many pigs

I've never I've driven a lot in this country like I've never just keep them on their ground true they've got fucking bunkers full of pigs

because I eat pig I've had a lot of pig I eat a lot of pig I eat like a pig a year. Are they just like, do they need less? Like you just put them in like a muddy square and you can fit 60 in there, but where does a house need a certain amount of space?

I've seen more stags than I've seen pigs in Britain. I've seen more badgers than pigs and I've never put my teeth on a badger. Not without it fighting back that is funny you said they put all those pigs mashed in together that's the same with free range

when they say free range it's not like running around no, they're just like there's air con in the fucking free range is that they have legs and they're a conscious animal but they put them in like a lift it's like oh how many chicken would fit here and you look is that they're like they have legs and they're a conscious animal but they put them in like you know like a lift it's like oh

how many chicken would fit here you look at it you're like a hundred they're like no two thousand you know dead ones in the bottom and then they suck them with a vacuum

that's like free range you know yeah caged eggs is like that fucking organ that just gives birth to an egg it just sucks out of it

I know this is yeah you want to get breakfast would you eat you know eat you know because you know they're like I mean I think

they are at the stage of like 3D printed meat now but I don't give a fuck at all even when you know

vegans have you seen the footage of yeah but that was like that but it makes you sad so I'm going to eat this

the Jamie Oliver thing where they showed the kids how they made chicken nuggets have you seen this no oh so you obviously know who Jamie Oliver is sadly he tries to do this thing where he's the kids how they made chicken nuggets. Have you seen this? No. Oh, so you obviously know who Jamie Oliver is. Oh, sadly. He tries to do this thing where

he's trying to teach kids to eat better food. And what he does is he cuts off chicken breast and he's like, yummy. Cuts off chicken thigh and goes, yummy. And all the kids are like, those are the good bits. And then it's just like the carcass left. Yeah. And he goes, would any of you eat this? And they're all like, no. And then he just blends it. And it's this pink, horrible paste. And they're're like Was it not like a grey paste that you had to add colour into it to make it as low as edible? He put breadcrumbs into it, he put salt and all these other additives and then made them into the familiar shapes of the McDonald's nuggets and they're like eh eh and then he deep fried them, brought them out and went

and who would eat these? And every single child was like McDonald's! And they just ate all the and you can see a single tear rolling down his face and every single child was like, McDonald's! And they just ate all the... And you can see a single tear rolling down his face as he just suddenly understands the power of capitalism. Like it was just all of his liberal fucking class. If we just teach people, they'll do good things for themselves.

Wrong, motherfucker. Welcome to the power of advertising. No, when it comes to chicken nuggets... You're not a clown You're not a fucking You don't have a Hamburglar friend They're going to listen

To any of your fucking shit Give me stuff I recognise And deep fry it Yum yum yum Yeah that is That is funny How like They thought education

Like that was Greenpeace right That they were like We're educating about The factories of iPhones And we found out. Yeah. And then they made a better iPhone.

Exactly. Oh, three cameras? I can't project. Listen, I can fit all of you in one picture. You can zoom out, can't you? Yeah, bro. All of you are in. Boom.

Look at this shit. How many? I mean, yeah. That's incredible. A baby man. But they've got suicide nets up on the buildings to stop the staff from killing themselves. Jump back up.

Continue working. Boing. Never ends. But yeah, I don't know. Don't need to update my storage anymore. I've got... Aye. I still...

What I fucking hate is whenever they release a new phone, they go, this one's got four times as much memory and you go good because towards the end of my last phone I was having to delete stuff and they're like

and now because of the new cameras they take up six times as much space and you're like so it's less memory actually when I take fucking photos

because everything's upgrading because you can make it look better you're going to make it look better which makes it take up more computer processing power and I'm still getting a phone that in six months is going to be like, you need to delete some apps

I don't need any more pixels and I don't need better quality, just leave it there and make storage bigger just get fucking terabytes of cloud storage and just let your phone keep in the cloud me neither, I want to have it no, I want it right there

it's right there in a second yeah yeah yeah sure it is Ukraine was right there a second ago too yeah the cloud yeah yeah

one fucking I print out all the photos one fucking lawsuit on a hard copy yeah the Apple guy turns out to be a rapist the cloud is gone

now my pictures are gone yeah yeah and it's just and where is this cloud come on I'm so tied in now you've never gone yeah yeah and it's just and where is this cloud come on and I'm so I'm so tied in now because I've got

you've never seen pigs in a field when have you seen this fucking cloud where is it I mean I've been up in aeroplanes there's loads of them

white things big white things you'll be such like an old you go up through the cloud and you just see everyone's nudes and that

come out above it and get your fucking health where is the cloud would be a very like a 65 year old Daniel Sloss Scottish never seen a

cloud have you I don't know why there's this accent but you modified it to American audiences you know yeah yeah

because you have dropped your accent quite a bit well except when I'm home so the problem is I've now realised because when I

do the Edinburgh festival now is because I'm in Scotland I'll just use my normal fucking accent I don't have to slow it down but because it's an international comedy Scotland I'll just use my normal fucking accent I don't have to slow it down but because it's an

international comedy festival I'll meet people after the show from Lithuania Estonia and America and they're like yeah it's different than Edinburgh

and I'm like yeah I don't have to you know and they're they're dead they're dead I can just be like can't this fuck that

you know Easter Road all these other fucking references I'm the most jolly I've ever been on stage for this show and I just think it's because I'm I can just be like, can't this fuck that? You know, Easter Road, all these other fucking references. I'm the most Geordie I've ever been on stage for this show. I just think it's because I'm talking about my childhood and growing up in Blythe. Like, I've totally regressed into my natural accent.

Every time you come home from your show, Natalie, it's just like, I put in fucking years and years. You just tear that scaffolding down. Daniel played for English lessons. I got him different shoes and he's fucking I swear to fucking God one hangout

at a bus stop with your old friends you're done he just gives like Natalie Natalie's anniversary coming up can I finger you behind some bins

it's our fifth anniversary I've got us a bag of cans and a bag a bag of glue is glue sniffing still a thing? I fucking hope not Because that used to be a thing No, glue sniffing

Like two weeks ago Well, it's not to do with glue But a week ago When I was walking down Glasgow Me and Posh saw a woman With a tank of butane Just huffing it Like a fucking

Like a canister of Like an actual Lighter fluid filler Not like your Gas canister of... Like an actual lighter fluid filler. Not like your gas canister that you plug into your caravan. For filling up lighters and stuff. But how are they huffing it? Like putting it into... You know how it's got the spray thing that you push down?

Took that off so it's just the tube and just pressing it up against their teeth. Oh, I think just in the middle of the street. I'd love to know her theories on things. But I wouldn't want to listen to them. I'd be like, can you write all these down? Like, Jess, I need to know what that does to a brain. Yeah, you know...

Brain damage. Yeah, yeah, but, like, what kind of brain damage? Like, the good kind, where you just become, like, friendlier and you like the world more? Or is it, like, fucking fucking meth damage where it's like everyone's It's probably not too far removed from balloons.

Aye. I don't know. The scummiest thing I've ever done is hang over a moped petrol tank fucking off a petrol.

I tried it when I was young. Of course you have to. You haven't tried it? I don't think that's true at all. Well if you haven't tried it yet. No you have to. You haven't tried it. A man from Newcastle

and a man from the Newcastle of Europe. He's too close. You're never half-paid by doing it. You're a bitch. But Europe's tourist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't believe that. Very true, very true.

No, but I tried it. A couple, you know. I tried it one time, uncomfortable, puked, but then gave it a couple. I could see it. A couple, you know. I tried it one time, uncomfortable, puked. But then gave it a couple. I could see it. There was something. Paint is a bit aggressive.

Because you have to put, you know, they screw it into the bag. Way less aggressive than a fucking motorbike. No, but the consumption. You know, with like petroleum and, you know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How about like you're,

like you're walking through Jenner's or the airport is just, do you want to try the new? Cause when you said girls, you know, I'm sure you're like girls, but in my head I was like, you know, there was like Melbourne,

you know, the, the, the horse racing hats, you know, like a martini glass, just put it like the lemon wedge, a little bit of petroleum,

you know, just to give it a... I thought he would have been, he's quite posh, I thought he would have just used Optimax. Yeah, the V-Power or whatever it's called

where you paint. But with paint, yeah, you have to put, you don't have to, you've tried, right? Often paint? Yeah, just... No, not paint,

but glue. I couldn't afford it. But glue, you know, they have to put it in like a bag and you then you put the bag over your head and it's just an explosion of fun times they had a barn tip x from my school because people were sniffing tip x oh yeah wait out yeah that was a big thing and then i remember yeah one guy who was like huffing like huffing gas he would like, he had a scooter, you know, like those. Moped.

A moped, yeah. And he would like put petroleum from one moped to the other. But he would like, you know, put it.

Just take a, you know, you know when you have to get it going, right? By sucking it. Because it's gravity, isn't it?

You get it going, He would suck a bit harder. Stories like this, this is why all drugs need to be legalised. For sure. So they can be sold and taxed.

Because to the point, people are just doing these cheap drugs. Oh God, I've now been outpriced of cocaine, I guess. No one should have to smoke butane. Yeah, yeah. People are always going to want to get high. We've learned that now. But what we're doing is we're just making stuff that's bad for them. They shouldn't be getting high off of it. but you've now put that out of reach and now they're doing

Absolutely worse things because they want to get high you want to get beauty lady and go dude just have some heroin I hear you You're making a fool of yourself You're better look here's some gear I've made sure there's no fentanyl in it. Go, you're better than this. Treat your body like a temple and go do heroin under that car. He was saying when we go to Vegas,

he doesn't want to touch cocaine because of the whole fentanyl thing. There's loads of bad batches and stuff. Good idea. But I was saying, like, why don't we just, like, on day one, give Elliot Steele a couple of bumps and, like, a canary in the mine,

just, like, if he wakes up we're like how are they I can have a good I reckon you could do cocaine with fentanyl tell him it's fine

and then he would OD yeah yeah guys like you guys like you are reason why guys like him OD you know that right that's exactly what happens

at these Vegas parties a dude from Newcastle is like man this is like really clear like the fentanyl's going in and getting

brushed off because of all the butane and petrol and unleaded over the years it's just getting stuck in there

butane is in the body of Kyle like what's hey can you kill the fentanyl the fentanyl's

a bit nervous I was meant to kill him but it seems fun in here you guys are scaring us

all Dan has is just one guy from coffee. Just a weed guy. I've got loads of weed guys. Like, rabble weed guys. Beef! Yeah, one weed guy.

They all start getting paranoid about Fenton Little. Wait, are you going to kill him? No! We could get out, but we're not going to do it. Don't kill him! Can you pass Borna don't don't kill her can you pass that don't kill

her he's comfy I mean this is how he want to die but he doesn't want to die we've made him think about

it loads why are you making him close his eyes yeah I also don't need to do coke in

Vegas to have fun like you don't you don't you don't but I'm high on life fuck off no no

I'm high on weed and tequila shots like yeah I've got to buzz off that 50 pounder one do you remember when you were a kid

and you smelled remember when you smelled what's that like a marker you know yeah remember when you smelled uh what's that like a marker you know remember when you like there was something i remember when i was with my classmate like third grade i remember he was like hey man does this smell like and he was like starting to do this shit oh yeah like it was born in there like yeah yeah and i remember like i smelled it disgusting but then there was a dude in front of us who was like, what's? And then he took one and I could see it in his eyes.

He has that gene. Yeah, you're like in 20 years, you live outside of a gas station. And now he's like, when I go back to the house, like he's the dude in the bus stop, you know, just chilling. I'm like, God damn, that marker fucked you up. That's a gateway pain. Yeah. And then, yeah, but that glue, yeah, it's still gateway pain yeah and then yeah pain

but that glue yeah it's still a thing yeah in Estonia there are like these you know you'll be like

at a nice bar martini bar and then go for a piss you know because the loo is full the loo I'm using that word that's your word right

cultural appropriation but cool and then you will go behind the corner and it will be like just this corner full of glue I remember I used to have a bit that it would be like just this corner full of glue. I remember I used to have a bit that it's always like

all this one like Russian brand of glue and then one memento, like a proper one or a super attack. Do you have super attack here? What's your glue here? Pritt stick. It's not pritt stick. Don't do that as a bit. And it would be like one fancy American glue or something, you know.

You'd be like oh there's one bum you know that shops in the store he's like oh it's Gorilla Glue here's the big one yeah Gorilla

yeah yeah one and then he'd be like oh I'll try this and then Gorilla Glue's the one that Joe Rogan sniffs yeah yeah

for sure he loves his fucking Gorilla Kit that's a brand of weed I know a strain of weed Gorilla Glue right Colin just bought

a brand of weed called Unicorn Pest of course it's nice isn't it speaking of let's do a little fucking close in why

do you still see the spike yeah well I know I just like to make it listen from one audio producer to another can you get us back with that little intro

that you did before can you get us back with that little intro that you did before can you recreate that welcome back to Sloss and Humphries tonight live from Edinburgh was that weed that he smoked

yeah yeah yeah yeah no no no he made us smoke some weed I think he made a crack no listen do you know

yeah I know because yeah for me weed, coffee it's an upper right weed he made a crack no listen do you know yeah I know because yeah for me weed, coffee it's an upper right weed as well I know sometimes but do you not understand

how many almost fist fights I've had because dudes will rock up to me and tell me about you want to do coke and I say no I don't do coke

and they get angry because they think it's them oh and you're like oh you think you're better than me yeah yeah yeah yeah absolutely and you know how many

dumb you know how I'm such a dumb guy too that if I'll be at a party and like you know when you're someone's plus one I'm sure you have

not felt that yeah I know nothing about that but I get plus ones to things yeah okay let's say we go to

what place did we go to yesterday Abattoir yeah it's one of those every time I go to Abattoir, you know, he's like a ladder to people, clack, clack, clack, clack, clack,

for a career and I'm just like a plus one standing there. So he's like my anchor but Sloss always has to give 77 hands, like PDD, you know, he just goes in, everybody gets a chit chat and I'm just like,

okay, I'm not going to stand, you know, when you have to stand next to. You're like, I go to Brooks Bar and there's just people that are chatting there but looking over your shoulder at someone else and he's like, I go into Brooks Bar and people are chatting about looking over your shoulder at someone else

and he's like, I go into Brooks Bar and everyone's just looking over people's shoulders at me. I wouldn't be seen dead in Brooks Bar. Sorry for that. For those that don't understand, so the Edinburgh Festival, there's the Free Fringe, which is its own thing, there's another Free Fringe, which is its own thing, there's the Fringe itself and then there's the Edinburgh Festival

and then there's, at that, there's, I mean, I think it's about 10 or 15 different venues, but the big four are Pleasance, Gilded Balloon, Underbelly, and Assembly,

and each of those has its own artist bar, you know, for all the artists that are doing there, and then also, if you've got the right connections, you can get artist bars. So when we talk about Abattoir, that's the one that we mainly go to

because it's at Underbelly even though I don't think I've ever performed at an Underbelly venue it's just my favourite artist bar because Loft is more that's AFTAS

Loft is AFTAS Loft exists because you get late and live on the Fridays and Saturdays in fact every night at the fucking festival and that doesn't end until like 5am

Loft has a licence until then and you just get absolutely fucking mullered whereas I think Ambitoire is just like three

oh it's chilled out you can get comfy seats and it's like all fucking fairy lights and that is fancy well yeah but it is three shipping containers

on top of each other but they've made the inside like a bit like a bougie hunting lodge sort of thing you know there's you know heads of fake animals on the wall and butterfly fucking connections in the bed bad taxidermy yeah yeah yeah and it's nice loft is a bit more there's a painting of charlie chaplin

in there assembly's all right do you have the assembly one yeah yeah yeah it's okay the loft is a spot yeah i remember my first fringe i think you gave me like a card that I can get into the loft. I remember it was my first fringe. I got heaps on me in there if you want one. And I went in there. Oh, yeah, sure. I have plenty of connections to make. No, I was there at the loft and I remember there was a comedian that I knew.

I did like gigs with him in Thailand, but he was talking to like Jimmy Carr. Yeah. And I don't know if it was one of those times, like, you know, he sees me come in, but he's like, I'm not even gonna. Yeah, no. Yeah, we like made eye contact. And I was like, it is what it is. I do like the artist bars. And I used to like them because man, I like the fact because I've got my sort of ADHD where I like, have another conversation with them. And then halfway through that conversation, you have another conversation with them and then halfway through that conversation you have a conversation

with so and so I always really like that you're a social butterfly yeah well no I was a social butterfly that revolving door of the conversation

was always there whereas now man I've spent it's amazing for the fringe to be back on especially after being away from it for like three or four fucking years

like it feels like it's properly back and I was like so excited for all the things that I've missed for the past couple of years. But I would see people that I'd recognised normally and be like, hey, and I'm just like, just look straight. If they say hi, great.

But do not make eye contact. Make them stop you. Make them, make them fucking move. And I just, every walk has an extra half an hour to it. That was hard last night. I had to get right across town from Newtown to George Square. And I was in a hurry because Natalie had a show to get to. And I just couldn't get across the street.

Because people you haven't seen in four or five years just grabbing your arm. And you're like, I can't just brush this off. Even though I've got somewhere to be. It's fucking rude. Yes, you can. There's a place called Estonia we're like yeah

I'm like the best at that just ignoring people it's your secret no but I'll have but people will sometimes write to me later like there'll be somebody

that I really know but it's just that I'm in the middle of a thought I'm walking somewhere I even had headphones on and you know when they write to you like Jesus

it's something like and then sometimes you know when you sometimes like have like Jesus or something like and then sometimes you know when you sometimes like have an interaction and then three years later you hear that for the past three years

they thought that you have a beef with them or something they're like oh yeah because you just worked out I thought I said I thought I said something and I'm like no

just watching I haven't thought about you once so that's not beef it's way worse than beef yeah it's absolutely irrelevant yeah if anything you've been pied

what were you saying just before click record on the podcast you're looking at your phone and you're like somebody just insulted me and it's got so far

into my head yeah yesterday somebody called me Kyle Legacy called me a hammerhead fuck you know hammerhead sharks

yeah and now it's been and people are now sending me different because I shared it people send me different like anime characters that are exactly what do you think it is about this that makes you have my head my eyes apart every time you're right just that meanderthal head yeah said the sloth from my sage eyes that's no no that was me that's what i was getting to guys great intro by the daniel sloth show alex jones rant incoming he dived in didn't

he no i got hit but that's yeah see this ever since my childhood see the sloth and then when you started touring estonia people be like kai humphries and ari maddy are too exact like we would totally be in ice age but like different slots yeah well that should be the name of this podcast Sloth Sloth and Sloths wow what would that do for my career I think it would be like Sid the Sloth's cousin in Ice Age 5

because your eyes are like really close you think so look at me or mine are just so apart yeah I think only in comparison

to you I don't know I guess you're a bitty little seagull in his arse that's not true Maddy I've got a money I've got like

a little money pupil it's cool yeah that adds something right having an eye like a fucking

poached egg that is funny that's very a poached egg the way is funny. That's very... The way they do it on the Instagram when they cut into it and it just bleeds. God tried to drop it. You know when he tried it with a YouTube tutorial.

You know when the guy drops it and it's just perfect and then you do the gentlest and it goes running. My mum got her laser eye surgery done last week because when my dad got it done, it was that surgery where they just cut your eyes, flip them open, fire lasers down into the thing

to make them better. Whereas the one my mum's just done is they cut open your eyes, they pull out the lens and they put in a lens that they've made into it. And it's all attached at the same time and they just put it... It's like a fused on

contact lens yeah yeah but it's in there forever it doesn't ever need replaced it's like it's good but it's just like it's fucking weird and i can't remember who we were talking to but they were like oh no i could i could never do it i wouldn't want to be blind and i'm like well you'd you'd never be blind they go but what if they fucked up and i'm like right they're only fucking up one eye they're not doing both eyes at the same time that's still yeah yeah you definitely go blind in one eye but here's what happens either they fuck up the first eye right and they go whoops you're not letting them do in the second eye it's not like yeah have a fucking gamble go ahead chances of it going wrong twice i don't care how they pitch it they're

like oh i promise i'll get the second one right. No, you won't. I'm either going to a different place or whatever. Or they nail the first one and then they fuck up the second one. You're never ending up with no eyes. Completely plain. True is that an eye surgery is like, yeah, it's like a heart surgery with a failsafe. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and, you know, you can't watch 3D movies anymore.

But imagine he fucks up both eyes. Because if you fuck up one eye, it's like, well, statistically, it's like, you know, when can't watch 3D movies anymore. But imagine if he fucked up both eyes. Because if he fucked up one eye, it's like, well, statistically, it's like, you know, when a plane goes down, people are like, now it's safe, because now they really check. Well, people always go, you know, if you made it to the airport, congratulations, you survived the most dangerous part of your travel. I hate that statistic when they go, there's more chances. Yeah.

Yeah, because obviously you're more likely to die in a car accident. I think there's more chance of dying because of a toaster than a shark attack. But I'm scared but I'll be like yeah that's because I don't fuck sharks but then even those people who say that

then you watch them take off on a flight and it's fucking we've got to have a compilation of me taking ages to get jokes like

there's so many now they're making fucking notes of when I'm fucking taking five seconds I'm going to get a joke

Jack and Matthew are sort of teaching themselves how to do the social media clips that we need and every single one they've practised on so far

is me putting in a joke and then there being anywhere between five to seventeen seconds before Kai turns around and goes oh oh and they

fuck the toaster in that joke yeah yes I did that thank you sorry we interrupted no no are you enjoying

your fringe so far Ari well the you know the city doesn't work the city doesn't work right yeah

well do you do you know saying the city doesn't work is actually fringe hack like from the yeah is it yeah it's the equivalent

of there goes my sip tonight it's the equivalent of There goes my set tonight! It's the equivalent of going to Melbourne and being like, hey you guys have free trams It's like the equivalent of saying, it doesn't matter where you go, you're going uphill I go to there and it's uphill then I come back and it's uphill Oh my god, that is my bit! It's everyone's bit man! No, I know bit yeah no I know

of course I know that that's obvious that bit was around before Hills of course before geology it's like you said

Edinburgh is like and I hadn't heard this Edinburgh is like a Jackson Pollock painting in which it's always you know it's just always going up and up and up

but then yeah already some nerd it's actually Emily Escher you know Jackson was the guy you know he's shit on

yes but who was the one that did the ladders that never stopped fucking Emily Escher Jackson was the guy you know his shit on yes but who was the one that did the ladders that never stopped fucking Emily Escher oh yeah

do you say Usher I think it's Usher yeah stop it you didn't know you said Pollock you laughed Pollock was the splashes

so let's yeah yeah but now we're getting the best part of humour the explanation after who was who was Mel Eclogues oh that was Picasso nope Salvador Dali who I who is melty clocks oh that was picasso nope

salvador dali who i said there you go yeah that was mi what was picasso was that nose for a chin yeah yeah yeah picasso oh picasso shark put the eyes anywhere whatever but the bus never comes too you know that's's what the fuck I know. I've never been do you think the last time I got a bus was the leg poster? I know. Yeah. That's also French. Yeah. You wait for one and then two Daniels losses turn up at once. Yeah. So what about the city? Do you not think work? Well, it's just a

I've known you know, like like you could be in fucking bangladesh the bus is late but it comes here what happens and it's been multiple times this is my third friend no literally today i was coming here i was supposed to meet you at haymarket i was like okay sure get a coffee hang out you know i see the hooligans all that wow scottish wow and then i go to a bus stop other people are also at the bus stop. So I know I'm not just some insane guy with Google Maps. Yeah, glue guy back in Estonia. And I see the countdown.

I'm early, five minutes. Five, four, do now. Nothing happens. Fifteen minutes later, and people are just like, huh? And they just start dropping like flies. And I was this the last guy everyone just taps out it just happens

but is it an accident no it's Scotland yeah the buses go through really rough parts of Edinburgh like on the outskirts and they don't know

what buses are so they hunt them like fucking Neanderthals with spears we used to bring them down and then they take them back to the village and start trying to

strip them down it's not just Edinburgh it's all of Scotland we used to have to get a bus start trying to strip them down. It's not just Edinburgh. It's all of Scotland. We used to have to get a bus an hour to school because we lived so far away. And there were just days when the bus just didn't come and you'd phone the bus company and they'd be like, well, you know, he left with the bus.

So what is it? So if he's not on the route... He stole the bus. It was the last day. So what is it? Are you just really stupid that you can't figure it out or give you don't give a about poor people i think i've got an excuse for edinburgh deep hour edinburgh's uh it's got so much history it's an old old city right it was built for the odd horse and cart and now it's got families who have three cars yeah so the

roads are that clogged up. But that's every city in the world. Except for any of the American ones. Yeah, because Blaine and Rue. They're just grids, right? Yeah. They just got to build a city from scratch. And to be fair, look, it's a much better system.

Yeah. You know, not to say I'm happy for any of the countries that got bombed during World War II, but I'm sure you were like, well, we can clean this up a bit now. Glasgow's got way more of a grid system on, but they've done such a one-way system that it's like getting out of a fucking hedge maze.

I'm like, what have you done with that? So I was thinking, okay, is it that, because it's, so you're capturing the votes of the majority, that's what you're catering in your city this is a rich city so they just don't give a fuck about the buses because the people who are voting are the people with the cars yeah i'm gonna be honest with you i think scottish people

are just so used to everything being a little bit shit. Since we've grown up, we like being Scottish, we're proud of being Scottish, but part of being proud of being Scottish is about being realistic about being Scottish and you go, we are shit at most things. We're just used to, we're not Japan, we're not getting the fucking

trains that are on time, speeding between places. We don't have the efficiency of Germany. We're just people don't hate us. Nobody in the rest of the world really hates us because we're non-threatening. We're just like the fun island alcoholics that aren't

monocle wearing cunts. I love how if this was Australia you would have had a completely different spin on it. But you know how like I said Australia having bad wifi is like meeting someone and they've got a weak hand

Scotland not having public transport is like meeting someone and they've forgot their wallet you're like oh fuck I'll get this then

yeah whoopsie I'll find another way yeah it's we're just you know we're not great at sports

you know we we've invented heaps of shit and that's what we're like that's why we're such a good fucking country

they're claiming golf golf TV radio whiskey penicillin we've invented heaps of shit and that's what we're like that's why we're such a good fucking country they're claiming golf aye huh golf, TV, radio whiskey penicillin whiskey

penicillin yours aye aye is it yeah the TV's shhh TV's aren't Scottish oh hello

there's something we're not here to fact check Scottish facts we're here to fact check the facts about England and Estonia. The answer to this is something like chicken tikka masala or madras or something. Which one is it?

Tikka masala it is. So, yeah, obviously you'd think that was from India or something. But no, Scottish, apparently. Because they just came over and they were like, hey, we've got all this lovely food and we don't like spicy things that we don't trust. And they're like, okay, got all this lovely food and we were like we don't like spicy things that we don't trust and they're like okay just make them a fucking white people curry and then we were like i love foreign cuisine yum yum yum it's like you order the same thing on the menu

every time like what what part of india do you think they're regularly eating chili and chips it is funny going back yeah you go back to india and you're like one chicken masala please they're like what are you fucking talking about god yeah do you think it's like you know scotland that's not scotland america have cheese on everything and then you get there and you go oh wait a minute that's not cheese yeah yeah that's not cheese that's plastic that you've melted plastic and even i remember because we have jeffrey asmus with us on to the great comic from wisconsin and wisconsin's like the cheese state and we were like you know your cheese is I remember because we had Geoffrey Asmus with us on tour the great comic from Wisconsin and Wisconsin's

like the cheese state and we were like you know your cheese is shit right he's like that can't be true like what's going on

and I'm like even your good cheese is not America's best cheese is worse than the cheapest cheddar that you get

in fucking Asda cheddar's Scottish it's from cheddar is that a place? yes yes it's a place I didn't know that either

that thing is going Danish or Belgian Salvador Dali cheddar look at you Natalie changed him Natalie changed him trying to

actually do you want to know the truth behind that my pub holidays were in cheddar yeah because we were going on staycations before they got called that before cheddar yeah because we were going on staycations before they got called that

before they got gentrified yeah yeah staycation is the gentrification of POV holidays yeah which is we can't afford to get everyone fucks off

on a flight but like if you can't afford that for your family put a tent in the car just fuck off we'd go to Somerset go to cheddar and we'd end up buying

like garland drums a side out the back of people's cars they were selling them on like fucking lay-bys and you just got in and they've just made it themselves cloudy as shit that's a very eastern european thing we always get from like whenever we're on tour whenever we're in estonia or like slovakia and slovenia what do they give you oh just bottles of my granddad made this in the bath and it's also it's also like just a nondescript alcohol. Yeah, yeah.

They're like, what's it made from? You're like, he doesn't tell me the secret recipe. People could die. And every time I'm like, thank you very much, but I want to watch you drink it first. I'm not going to kill me, but I just need to see whether your pupils split into two and then you just go somewhere else. Like, have you accidentally

made LSD because when he was boiling potatoes in a bath it stripped off all the asbestos paint from your 1916 fucking house and it dripped in

and you've just given me something that Joe Roken would be like have you done this on this podcast yeah the bathtub just fell through the floor

like on break and bad yeah and he didn't stop making it he just started making it in the kitchen on the kitchen floor he opened the fucking fridge it. He just started making it in the kitchen. On the kitchen floor. Opened the fucking fridge, took more potatoes out,

started boiling them. I have sure been given like potato-based alcohol before in Romania. Yeah. Heaps. Real bad stuff. I'm pretty sure there's, aye, never,

ever underestimate the poverty of visibility to get fucked up the quickest and cheapest way. That's why, you know, that's why there is cultural appropriation. It's like we oppress other people into misery

and then they start having fun. And people go, hey, hold on. How are you having fun down there? My foot's on your... Give me that. That's ours. Okay. Now you can go back to it.

By the way, this is illegal for you now. And then they have to find something new and so on and so forth. I guess that's the origin of curries as well, is the fact that the food might have been rotten, so they just put shit tons of spices in. Of course. It's like a pua substitute for...

That's why we're so big potato people, right? Yeah. It's good for you, because you could grow it during winter and shit. Potatoes and meat. It's funny that how... But why is it... so they say gluten is bad but Italians aren't fat

and they only eat gluten right they only eat bread are Italians not fat no I don't know them as a fucking I don't

you guys are fatter than Italians for sure yeah it's just yeah we're a chunky nation because we make good chocolate

yeah and they're all chocolate and pasta and olive oil yeah well the pops too I mean the food yeah make good chocolate yeah and they're all chocolate and pasta and olive oil yeah yeah well the pubs too I mean the food

yeah maybe that's it because they're less of a pint drinky country like the Italians are washing it down with red wine that's the kick ass but that's calories as well yeah but not as much

as 16 fucking pints with a curry aye I had about six Guinness last year when have you when have you ever seen an Italian woman

drink a Foster's? Yeah, yeah, true, true, true. Like, it's never, it's never happened. True. Yeah, she would just break her own neck and die. Like, that's not... She's got dignity. It's a dignified woman, the Italian woman, like you do.

Yeah, yeah, but it just won't reduce herself to being like, I'll just have... They need to hold things by stems makes them feel they're not they're not having a drink like that that's not how they do things it's all dainty

salad forks just being sexist to a time just profile you've never met one no never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met

never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met never met yeah lisps they keep doing that aye because that's how they want you to fist them aye tell us about your ring oh it's a ring yeah pinkie ring on

yeah yeah Reuven Reuven Govender I think his name is he's a comic he gave it to me to do sets

at his shows yeah I'll take it off when I bomb oh yeah it's just like I'm not worthy it's like it's like me but it's when I bomb oh yeah so it's just like I'm not worthy

it's like it's like but it's just funny and the way people it's just this look is a great look to have when you're like

a participant at Free Fringe yeah you know like doing like a comedy striptease and you show up like damn

it seems it seems really what's that it seems really odd if like hold a pocket at the end when you're dressed like a million dollars.

Although, first of all, we can go back. He quoted 240 and he got it for a tenner. What inflation are you running on this podcast? He's wearing a pinky ring and he's got a block red tracksuit. Look, I know you think he looks mint. That looks fantastic. I am hard right now I bet Natalie

when you walked in dressed like that she was like you can't wear that in front of Kylie that's how I would dress if it wasn't for Natalie I'd like mine

to stop me from being me oh yeah ah yeah look at me plain as fuck just like a person I used to express myself yeah

yeah remember that firetrap jacket I had on red jacket with blue sleeves I looked class in that and you're fucking seagull wearing a beanie shirt

oh seagull wearing a beanie and all that I looked class for you when I walked in I looked fresh yeah but when I knew nobody ever

talked about my clothes if I go before people always used to comment on my clothes and how I dressed all the time I always used to comment on my clothes and on my dress all the time. I always would get a good icebreaker. People would mention my clothes.

Sure. They would be like, you look like a schoolboy. Oh, I saw him with a backpack. Yeah, you two, the backpack warriors, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you would also... Oh, my God, every time I saw you, I was like crooked.

You know what I hate? When somebody has headphones on all the time, but one side really long, like just fucked up. It's because his ears are on different sides of the head. He's fucking impred. That's not an insult. Different heights.

That is if you're Picasso. Yeah, you don't like the, you don't just like the. Yeah, you would just look lost. Yeah. At grocery stores in Estonia. Like this fucking guy. That was one of my...

I think I've mentioned this before, previously. Remember when you guys puked on me in Tartu? He puked on you. No, you did too. You puked near the gym. Very funny. Down the side of the couch. But it was so interesting because you guys did the the show down the street I remember they were there

and then I remember all the employees were like wow like because we were like oh we're bringing in these comedians that we're having and then you just puked all over the place and left and you just did that one shot you straight puke on my arm you puke on the chimney and then we left

and they're like oh thanks Ari oh I'm bringing in these puke on my arm, you puke on the chimney. And then we left. And they're like, oh, thanks, Ari. Oh, I'm bringing in these international artists, actually. And he's actually becoming... No, no, he wasn't that bad. But I was like, you know, Conan, Conan. They're like, Conan O'Brien. I'm like, yes, Conan.

Blah, blah, blah. Just, and your vomit too. Newcastle vomit. Because if you would have eaten only that day in Estonia, but you came from, I don't know, fuck, Slovakia.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goulash came up. When it's just that tour puke. When it had a big greasy tray of meat. That tour puke, you know. Just all over the chimney,

like on the wall. And it's like an artist bar. And you just brought it to it. And then one shot. Chuck a just brought into it. And then, one shot. Chuck a fucking frame on it. Do you want me to sign it? I'll do it with my finger,

not a pen. Yeah, three minutes, boom, bah, boom, done. And I think I didn't even pay.

Was that when we also, for some reason, we had that, I had that hotel room that had a fucking sauna. One person sauna, remember that? Yeah. One person sauna. Remember that? Yeah. Just close.

We're like, God, this will be fun. And there were just three sweaty men. Really close. Yeah, yeah. That was great. And the shout out the bar, do you know the bar name? Mirko. Mirko.

It's a legendary bar. I'm sorry. It's a legendary bar. I'm not taking any responsibility for this. They've got a shot called Sparta, which is a triple shot. And it's a legend I'm not taking any responsibility for this he's got a shot called Sparta which is a triple shot and it's a Stroh

you'll have to explain what that is Stroh S-T-R-O-H Stroh it's a 80 strong no no

Absinthe has as well it's like an 80 strong and then the water down with vodka no it's vodka's the weakest alcohol in it so vodka actually brings

the percentage down. Tequila, I think, the other one is. Tequila it is. Stroh's 80% alcohol is what they put on, like, St. Bernard's to find missing people.

Yeah, Stroh's... I'm sorry, what? It's, like, such a strong alcohol that, like, St. Bernard's can smell it from ages away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so they put... Wait, hold on.

So they give it to people, sorry, I'm pretty sure. Before they go missing. Right. So they go missing right so they go right I've got no faith in you tonight you're gonna get this and there's some straw on your sleeve

right something like that before they go missing that's funny yeah they should have just when the McCann's went out for a fucking pint

they should have just fucking put a bit of straw on Matty just make it do a show and it would have just funged the body easily you know what I saw yesterday I've never seen this in the world

street what's this street help no street a truck that just helps drunk women find their way home not a truck but like a car street what the street assist that was it street assist is that it or is that just a cleaning service that happened to help a woman that was drunk i saw yesterday okay so yesterday i see street assist car you know they have these gloves on chicks yeah and they're looking for drunk women helping them on their feet was that a nice thing to do or is that a service oh i think it's i think it's a it sounds like a nice thing it sounds like a bunch of i just realized when i'm saying this because it was high as shit, and in my head I go, wow.

That sounds really cool. That sounds like a really... But imagine you're just, I don't know, rushing to get to another venue, and you stumbled and tripped and all that, and then the street assist are all out of here. You're not even drunk. They're just like, come on, girl, we'll get you back home.

You're like, I'm going to be late for my gig. No, no, you're not going anywhere. I took him into bed sober. Why? But I was just so high, I was just like, oh, is this like a van full of drunk women getting a free ride. I was just like, oh, is this like drunk, like a van full of drunk women getting a free ride home? I was like, wow,

that's a party van. Yeah, so they just, they just collect them in like stray cats and dogs and they're like, we can. But then I started thinking, okay, this girl,

because the employees were girls as well, but the driver was a dude. I was like, okay. They're not going to put them in more danger. That's what I was thinking. That's a good rape scheme too. Just ride around. Watch that guy, mate. No, no. Oh, okay. They're not going to put them in more danger. That's what I was thinking. That's a good rape scheme too.

Just ride around. Watch that guy, mate. No, no. Oh, no. I was going for the sexism of, you can't have a woman drive. That's the type of awful I was trying to be. I was going for a rape.

Yeah, okay. So we both went for shock, but we went to two very different. I mean, okay. There you go. Two jokes for the price of one. Yeah, neither good neither good

no reaction yeah no no joy two jokes for the price of one still short changed I love how this is like three separate

podcasts yeah well hold on where's your shows on where can people go and fucking see you oh we have a

comedy Estonia showcase it's at the Attic accounting house yeah and I'm doing that see also comedy striptease Oh, we have a Comedy Estonia showcase. It's at the Attic Counting House. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm doing that. See, also Comedy Striptease.

See, that's a good one, yeah. Yeah, so these are Velcro. Yeah, but you have to strip if you're born. I haven't stripped so far. Nah, nah, stop with the ring. Stop with the ring. I usually wear, what kind of underwear do you wear? I wear like...

Oh, fuck, I've got old Lonsdale's on. Yeah, yeah, I wear like, you know, with the not sexy belly. Oh, okay. You wear like Jim Jam fucking. Yeah, because it's so comfy, bro. You wear Jim Jam, I wear like boxer briefs. But if it's comedy street, please. I want my balls to be fucking held and shit.

No, but then it runs up because of my muscular legs. And it runs up, you know. I know, it's a weird way. Well, then it stops my fat legs chafing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, I mean, I guess we should recommend some other shows. Gareth shows class. Is it?

I saw that before, man. It's fucking mint. It's really fucking good. Go see Gareth. Michelle Brazier's got a great show this year. It's the one that she did at the Melbourne two years ago I saw it was great so I'd recommend that

and she was also babysitting Peggy for quite some time oh we were talking about this before so but this is also interesting what's so when you play music at your shows you pick the playlist right do you sometimes change the playlist on the night because you have a vibe? No

I specifically pick music that I know know because you can fall into the ski tracks of an act right i've got a real bad taste in music so i just like subjecting my audience to my terrible taste things that because not only you've got quite a bit of range in your playlist there isn't a theme to your playlist there'll be like a fucking like a classic Scottish anthem or something followed by a filthy banger followed by seven Manfred and

Son songs yeah imagine yeah you've had a because like it is funny that some acts pay no I understand that too

you just want to come straight on stage for me playlist more some I freak out like I'll be in the back of like a room

that I'm doing and I'll see people if I see people you know you see the Shaz a room that I'm doing and I'll see people. If I see people, you see the Shazam come out, I'm like, that's a bigger compliment than my act. This is a good niche for you, a fringe for publicity. You should go around doing star reviews on people's playlists and leave just as it starts. Because I was saying this before too.

After my show, if you compliment my act, that's my profession, right? You compliment my work, right? But if you after my show if you compliment my act that's my profession right because I that's you compliment my work right but if you compliment my music that's my taste yeah

and I'm like you know it's like I need both yeah yeah yeah I put huge emphasis and I want songs you don't know I hate when songs like I can't

if it's like a popular like your walk on was something right that oh the the fucking Tommy Prophet Tommy Prophet

Only One King yeah yeah yeah I heard that song and I was like fucking it dips this walk on was something right that oh the fucking Tommy Prophet Tommy Prophet Only One King yeah yeah I heard that song and I was like fucking Debs this I'm currently walking

on to Icky Thump by the White Stripes oh shit I have all the house music quite a big build in though that's the one I walk on stage to yeah yeah yeah

but it's like maybe it's about like 19 seconds build in which I think is too much because I'm doing a work in progress I walk on stage to silence

and off to less yeah yeah are you actually walking on to I walk on stage to silence and off to less. Are you actually walking on to no walk on music? Yeah, just walk out just being like this is, I'm not putting any production on this. No frills at all. You haven't paid for a poster. The poster is just wasted. I don't smile at them. You can always know how successful I are. It's how long

like into the song can you go, right? Because if you do clubs it's like two seconds and they put it down right yeah yeah you can play and people still get happy I remember one of the first times

I ever saw Ed Byrne perform and obviously this was when I mean Ed Byrne's very successful but he was at the Adam Smith Theatre

and you know he introduced us to support acts and then there was a break and then there was no oh I think I think what he did is he just went ladies and gentlemen

Ed Byrne and then walked out on stage no music and everyone clapped and cheers and everything and I remember on our first tour I was like I could probably do that and I think it was at the library in Manchester to like fucking 60 people and just went ladies and gentlemen Daniel Sloss and then just walked on to utter silence

yeah they're confused they're like oh is that that whose name's on the... They're there because it's a theatre. But with the music, the other part is, you know when you get to the mic and they cut it off and the silence hits you, then you're like, I really overplayed the expectation. Whereas now it's nice because now I can just open the door

and walk out before they're clapping. That's the highest rate. I'm like, there's that success. I bastard stagecraft before I get to the mic. I get the mic and I'll give it one of them, and then they fucking, they volume up, and then I get the mic stand, and it's... So you cheat.

I do, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, I'm normally opening, so fucking, it's a good... Because you can also, yeah, that's the point, exactly. When no interrupt, just walk on stage, pure power of sight, that's famous. Because there are points where, you know, if you walk on stage just to pure silence,

people are like, the stage hand. Oh, I think it's the art. Oh, it's him. Is that him? Yeah. But if you're like Dave Chappelle, you see that leg, you're done. Yeah, that fucking big overall...

Yeah, leg and the head head because you know I'm actually but but like you were saying that in your so you're doing a working out show so you take because it's interesting right that i've done that too i've over because i stress on the music i even started having a little light show and shit on my door but you know there's a saying that never um never take away from the power of uh of your instrument which is your mouth because speaking is a very delicate form right and i remember i did some shows where i overdid it and that's very much in America you watch American

comedians you see their it's like seven dudes after the selfies they've got a fucking DJ you know

it's all I'm always like fuck you know because I'm they buy and pay for atmosphere as opposed to

create it themselves no which is also great I mean I want to see a show that's a party too bit of a production value which is great but I always think want to see a show that's a party too a bit of a production value which is great but I always think sometimes I've also

overshot like but you know how New York City there needs to be that too right whereas as a fan

I would say sometimes you watch like a Louis C.K. you know him confusingly walking on stage and just starting because then your worst

not worst first words have so much power right yeah because people are fucking waiting yeah and it wasn't it wasn't you saying your own name

yeah because people always say that to me like do you do your own intros and I'm like yes and I always I'm not fucking

getting somebody else it's interesting that you do that but that's also yeah that's interesting some comics have full backdrops and shit don't they

oh I have that like they'll have their name or whatever like in big fucking nights and shit oh I have a flaming so how how do you even travel with that like what if you are you doing yeah that's where budget comes in because you need to fit it in one car yeah but we fly to most gigs yeah man that's why we that's why we have such a boring setup on stage yeah well forever yeah yeah i mean you've walked on to some you do know yeah yeah I've seen I've seen when you

grab the mic people are like you know the sound guy you see him fucking jump just start because you guys use the microphone

so differently too oh yeah yeah I mean for a professional comic sometimes I do have terrible because I'm so used I always sound check it I sound check it

and go it's the same level for us both and then do you do something different no no no but it's but sometimes it's like I'm just used to mics where you can. And I'm used to certain techs who are just like,

they're waiting for the mic to go further away from my mouth and on the ball. And then you've got some techs who just want to leave it as is. I think leave it is the best, right? Yeah, I prefer leave it because then I'm in control and I know how far the mic needs to be away from my mouth. I don't want somebody fucking with the whole... Also, we get so used to these fucking excellent mics

in the venues that you can talk over the top of so your face is open for facial expression sure yeah so we

get used to that and then I go on to the fucking comedy tent in whatever just being Kendall called it

and it's the first thing somebody heckles going I can't hear you and I'm like oh shit yeah it's amazing how many shows I do where it's a first thing somebody heckles going I can't hear you and I'm like oh shit yeah it's amazing how many shows I do

where it's a packed audience and people are making money and I'm like one microphone one stand up is the easiest art to produce

and the easiest to fuck up one and a spotlight not a construction light not LED not blue you know

yeah don't just put the fucking house lights on yeah and so many people just never get into that yeah alright you can also come see

our shows well mine's sold out so haha but if you're in New York those shows aren't sold out yet those are from the 12th what venue are you doing

in New York just the Soho Playhouse it's a small but lovely theatre that I normally work shows out but do the clubs there too? yeah yeah I'll drop in at

Cellar and Goth those are great good fun yeah class I've just got the Fringe coming up and then in September when he's in New York

I'm going to get back to what are you pointing at? I'm going to get back to doing some club gigs so I've got the Comedy Store in London I've got Hot Water in Liverpool I've got the Glee in Glasgow

and then you're back from New York and we'll fuck off on Tuesday thanks see you next time cunts you