Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Snunky's Send Off

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

Muggins and Cream return with Ryan "Snunky" Cullen who being a high risk during the current pandemic as special guest to say a few last words. They mostly discuss what provisions they'd stockpile for the upcoming apocalypse. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins Straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' Muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha!

They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, Muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? Muggins is Kai. Sluss is Cream. Sluss and Humphries on the road. My, fuck, I fucked up. Ah, you did. Do you reckon that may be the weed that fucked up for you? Should we stop and do it again?

I'd rather we didn't. Muggins is Kai. Sluss is Cream. Sluss and Humphries on the road. Well, I mean Should we delete the first bit? I think we should I mean

We've already come this far At this point Yeah well let's keep going No no It doesn't need any more attempts It's like No no What do you mean another attempt?

I nailed it Oh right sorry The second time No sorry my mistake The first time I showed my workings Aye Well fuck me

You took a fucking run up No I was on the spot No no You weren't on the spot you pressed record aye I just thought I'd trust myself

I thought trust yourself you've had that tune in your head all day for no reason no reason just been going around in my head

aye I was like I'm not going to say it's cream I don't know I still got it wrong again should we start again again for the love of god

like don't get me wrong I do think these intros are the reasons why we don't know I still got it wrong again should we start again again for the love of god like don't get me wrong I do think these intros are the reasons why we don't ever get any new followers if anyone's new now they're like

what the fuck no they've left they've gone it's all it's all over before we go any further that creepy little pedo laugh

you hear in the background it's Ryan Cullen I clapped some pedo myself it's not Cullen I clapped some people myself don't snap your fingers weird Ryan's on the podcast you've been on the podcast

before I have you were on that unintelligible Amsterdam episode did we actually release that one yeah

we shouldn't have that was I don't we were all we were all clearly racked up and also high as fuck and probably on ecstasy and it was not...

I mean, look, this is an incoherent pile of shit at the best of times, but that was a particularly... A particularly loose feel to that one. Aye. Like, I don't think... If that's anyone's favourite, they should jump off of something very high onto something very sharp or flat.

Do you think we should ever listen to it back no ever no probably in four languages it's the only podcast that I've ever seen that came with subtitles

80 years old on a rocking chair on the porch and I'm like do you know what I haven't thought it would come for about 40 years

since he died since he died of corona you're a threat aren't you not a threat what do I need five red scars yeah yeah so the opposite

of a threat you told him a pedo at the beginning to be a part of a threat you make it sound like it's my fault aye

so you're a are you high risk for a sorry just to catch anyone up to date on what's going on nobody knows the end of the world

is coming like it's all over this is the end of the world is coming. Like, it's all over. This is the end of time. This is how we decided to end. All right. So we just thought we'd do a podcast about it because it's going to be a hot topic. And you know how quick we are to jump on hot topics.

And just, you know, it's a topical podcast, isn't it? Yeah. It's been airborne for about three weeks. But, you know. Well, in fact, we're on three weeks, isn't it? What? Corona? Yeah.

Oh, it's been going on since? December't it What Corona Yeah Oh it's been going on since December Was it December It was the first cases Just now was it It was the first cases In Wuhan But they were

They were white So nobody cared for it well Oh that's fair But once it started Getting into spaghetti country Shit went wild They just They've gone bog

It's because they I'm not surprised It's in Italy Why Because of the fucking Lick statues Oh you beg your pardon And this isn't a profile Sure went well. They just, they've gone bonkers. I'm not surprised it's in Italy. Why? Because of the fucking lick statues. In Begabar? In this isn't a profile.

That's the weirdest racism I've ever heard. They've got up lick statues. In other pesky Italians. Oh, licking statues. The Vatican in that one,

they've got like a... Those aren't statues, those are little boys. Aye, kiss the boys. And also, the drink wine like communion

aye share the same glass no I was out in the Vatican I had to start in the Vatican you're starting to give off

that vibe it's like you know what they deserve it I'm not coming across as they deserve it thanks for picking

it up like that I want to put that right right now I just think like they've just got a bit of a history of like oh meal for 12 please and one meal arrives

one big pizza and they share it and that and they're like aye like if we can't catch on anyway soon there'll be

no meal days so but we're all we're all going to die I've been told I'm a risk though aye you got your doctor your doctor phoned you up

to say goodbye your doctor rang you he's a busy man he basically but while this was going on he's like fuck I better phone you better than calling

he was he delivered it like I was going to be a nuisance even though I'd done nothing he's like just don't get it because basically to keep you alive

you have to go on a ventilator machine like you're draining the NHS and I was like I haven't done anything he's like I know but You have to go on A ventilator machine Like you're draining The NHS And I was like I haven't done anything I know but you're Going to kill something

And then what did you do Straight after that phone call You come into a basement gig Where I was And just sat in a room Full of people Well okay My life has to go on

People keep writing that But you can Get on in other ways You don't have to Jump in front of traffic I could have FaceTimed him No I mean it's

are you high risk because you've got asthma I've got a fucked up time the worst part about this what's a ventilator is that the wee fucking non-musical

accordion they shove in your mouth the non-musical accordion they've moved on since the 18th century like phew what is it now

you hear like any time you hear a gunshot I'm like I've just got a full taken the smashing of a bulb

like every time you hear a glass smashing of a bar instead of going to sack the jug lights like see a cheese or just whenever

a bulb bursts in my house I'm like oh I didn't smile I blinked taken again imagine that I blinked I blinked take it again imagine that

I blinked take it again in the 1800s so anyway you're on a ventilator and an inhaler and you're a heavy smoker can you apply to be if there's a shortage of ventilators

I'll apply to be one is that just breathing in someone's mouth I'll do that for ages aye that's probably easy aye just give you mouth to mouth from most of the for ages aye that's probably easy aye just give you mouth to mouth

from mopes to B1 any old mope can do that job just walk away lip locked with you breathing any time you lift it off to lips

I'm gonna kill me set me free I don't wanna live like this pull the plug I didn't know the human centipede could have been

more awkward so much to be afraid so mouth to mouth I don't feel violated but I do it's weird the worst thing is now if I do get sick

I'm going to feel like I've killed other people like it's all my fault that's the vibe he's giving it to me now because if you are a risk...

Well there goes a couple of generations. We're gonna have to punt a 65 year old off eventually because that better be how it works. I hate to sound like an absolute prick but I do hope it's a, you know, when it all gets shit, it's a one in one out policy. If a 17 year old comes in, get one of the grannies off the machine. Be real. It's never a young guy reefed off in the 85th minute in a football match that's all it's always Gareth Barry

Andy Carroll and he didn't come on until halftime so yes you've got a you've had pneumonia which what's that when you just shiver

when it's cold oh yeah it's a mess it's just whenever there's a slight breeze he goes I get a shiver when it's cold and wet? Oh yeah, it's a mess. It's just whenever there's a slight breeze he goes, I get a shiver. Kills millions of people yearly. Remember, Nelson got it too.

Is that when he had jaw chakras? No, that's drugs. That's when he's seen a ghost. I got it in the fringe by just... That's when someone wound up his jaw with a clockwork.

He's got a cage on the side of his ear. I got pneumonia years ago because I thought that the loft bar, I just presumed it. It would have insulation. I thought it was indoors. A little bit of rock wall.

I just forgot it was a smoking area. You had a fiberglass. Sorry. What fiberglass? Seeing you thought the loft was insulated. Yeah, I thought it was in a big globe. So you went in there? No,

just so I stayed around every night to like, like, you know, during the French thinking, all right, I don't feel the air because you've been drinking or whatever.

It's open air, isn't it? Yeah. And then you realize you're out until five in the morning in the cold. And then when I went in, the doctor was just like

looking at me like I was a piece of shit. I'm like, you fucking idiot. Same for a prescription of Lemsip. I just realized doctors get angry at me a lot they start ringing in advance

as soon as they check the temperature outside they're like oh tell him to put his pizza up in his vivarium I can't believe you're talking to normally

normally he's a family normally you phone an ambulance right you're the only person in the world where 9994June goes

we're on our way to stand outside to wrap a blanket round we'll pull you over when you're the only person in the world where 9994Q goes we're on our way to stand outside to wrap a blanket round I'll pull you over when you're driving Stamplings put me like an Uber Book you

do you think Uber's for you Where is he this is going to be a nightmare I'm going to track him to my seat just so they can

track you down Oh yeah but anyway Turn up the A&E and swipe your neck the card My point is I hope I don't

knock you down walks into the doctor's office and just goes the usual I told Milo McCabe

at this he loves this when he wanted him to drop he was like the doctor once grabbed me he was like

how much do you this is years ago he was like how much do you this is years ago he was like how much do you drink every week and blah blah blah and I was like oh during the fringe

you know it's obviously more and I was telling him and the guy lifted my wrist like and met I was quite weak and he was like stop hitting yourself

stop hitting yourself he just went you're not a big guy oh Milo brings it up any opportunity he can you're not a big guy oh Milo brings it up any opportunity he can you're not a big guy but he waved my little wrist little chicken leg

little chicken chicken leg chicken leg waved your little chicken leg your little drumsticks I was saying to Dave he was saying how he hates the tube

and all that I was like if you ever go push in front of the tube he would just like come back on the platform like if you ever go pushing in front of the tube he would just like come back on the platform like a carrier bag just like whisk off

with a draft of the train I was saying all I'd have was a bruised ego speaking of coronavirus obviously it's the end of the world

as we know it so it's it's time to start let's be real it's time to start stockpiling. Aye. Right.

And I don't know about you lads, but I've written a list of all the things that I intend to stockpile. I've got a list. Have you got a list of things you're going to stockpile? Well, you told us to do it. Well, you can't stockpile. Don't put it down on the fourth wall.

You can't write a stockpile list without writing it down otherwise. You've got to do it. You'd end up like looting. And like, oh, what was it I was meant to get again? You come back with all the wrong stuff. Sorry, you meant looting. You said bacon, didn't you? I heard that like as in looting in like oh what was it I was meant to get again you come back all the way around stuffed you said bacon didn't you

I heard that like as in looting like the airport in London but I'll end up in looting I was like why

you can't you can't loot on a whim right that's how people end up that's how people end up fucking stealing bags of rice

mind that from what was that fucking crazy thing about 10 years ago where that guy looted a bag of rice oh was it not no it was bread

it was laymys and I had a oily nose crazy thing about 10 years ago where that guy looked at a bag of rice? Oh, was it not? No, it was bread. It was Lea Mays. Another one of those. Right, so me, and I'll tell you what, the first thing I've been stockpiling, because obviously, look, this is the end of times, right?

We're talking like this is going to be going on for months, if not years, 8% of the population is going to die. So I'm stockpiling fresh vegetables because those are going to be currency in two years' time. Two years' time, half of those

fresh vegetables, all right, oh, it's honestly going to be like a bell pepper would be like the new Tesla. Is that fruit and veg?

Aye. Well, no. Fruit goes off, guy. You know, if you leave something out that goes know, if you leave something out, it goes off. If you leave it out longer,

it comes back on again. In fact. Just because of the seasons, actually. When it comes back around to summer, it goes ripe again. Mine's similar to yours, actually,

because I've got bananas just for all the sick and weak. Just get a little banana. Don't play like, oh, so you're basically running a pharmacy.

I've actually got an ex of it look I've got a forward slash forward slash Calpol same thing so with all those bananas you're running a pharmacy

and you're technically a therapist drug dealer I feel sad but you are you're not going to believe this but I don't know

if someone's coughing and bleeding out their eyes I'll just go and fucking have a banana man potassium sort you right out bleeding in my arse well you know

where to shove it cowpull obviously for all the little witches no what flavour? it's like do you have flavours of cowpull I thought cowpull was a flavour

no it was just strawberry did I used to just get fucking salted original every time didn't even know there was salted original you know as a thing like a metaphor

really salted cowpull Jesus Christ that's not even a working class thing and he went like cool original you know I shouldn't have said cool original

I should have said I should have went with the Doritos one more so I carpal I didn't like the different options

the strawberries there are other flavours I would get a Ben and Jerry's carpal flavour Ben and Jerry's has different flavours you can't have a Ben and Jerry's

flavour of carpal you fucking dig about carpal's a flavour you and Jerry's flavour of carpal you fucking dig about carpal's a flavour you don't get flavours of carpal do you not is it just the one flavour of carpal

are you sure it doesn't come in different flavours lemon sip does that doesn't it now when you're talking about lemon sip it's the lemon sip

but then they've got the blackcurrant one you know if you ask for lemon sip and someone brings you a blackcurrant one I mean it's better it's better

that aside black sip is weird that's why you can't call it that aye but if you say lemon sip you mean that

if I've got a spin off flavour it's like aye okay well I just I think carpool does come in flavours name the flavours

you think it comes in strawberry cherry lemon probably goat's milk goat's milk aye obviously the nation's favourite

olive maybe that's the original one beetroot you mentioned it baby breath you know the favourite

I only know that from mentally and children ginger hair I don't know do you Sean where you where you

where you stop piling insulin because I I hate diabetics do that not fix them I thought you meant you were going to

go jabbing them with it just get over and done with it oh I can't eat your Snickers you deserve to go stop playing other people's medicine

that you don't need won't even sell it I know I'm down in the weak category but diabetic nah not for me can't you sell above diabetic

aye that means you should keep them around just so you feel like you're kept off the bottom of the pond alright because otherwise

next coronavirus or covid 20 next time that comes around you're gone with the list you're gone I haven't thought

about this at all you fucked it yeah no my next one well the meek will inherit the earth literally the opposite of what's happening

that's all I remember when we got absolutely gone we got into the chapel. You fucking liar. They're all dicks. You gave me this with a wine goblet. Then me girl, I'm like, what the fuck is this?

I'm still piling laxatives. Just fucking, why not? Why not? For the people that need that. You hate the congested. Just why not make it worse? Fuck it. You know, while everyone else is coming. Because look, when people get ill, the people that need that you hate the congested just why not make it worse fuck it you know when everyone else

has come because look when people get ill you've always got a competition of who is the most ill right when you've all

survived it the real winners are the ones that are dead they're just not here to brag around it but if you survive it you get to brag about it

you can be like oh somebody's like oh sneezing all the time oh I couldn't breathe my throat was so closed up you're like I had explosive diarrhea as well

you've won the office sympathy round die is that what you need from the apocalypse needy just to be the one that suffered the most

just so I can be like hi you martyr absolutely Tommy Tart Martyr martyr sloth yeah because Ebola

used to dishew everything didn't it that was like you gotta shit yourself as well I was like Russian roulette but overall it was just all of them you gotta spew you gotta have diarrhoea

not your cellulite but it just didn't have the legs did it no it didn't catch on it didn't catch on I'm glad it's this one I caught on the one where I'm just

culling dying and me sneezing rather than all of us shitting myself even if I stayed alive just while there just culling and shitting puke that gross I'm glad they stopped that one and fucking let this one

run its course I'd be fuming if I died from a virus it just seems like a boring smoke coming off your body just fumes coming off your

pum pum like a shithole station that's actually how it started what are you stockpiling? oh I am going to books it's not just power but also like when you're running out of toilet paper That's how it started. What are you stockpiling? Oh, I am going to, books. It's not just power,

but also, like, when you're running with a toilet paper, you need a book. You're going to shit all over your knowledge. Read a book,

wipe my arse. Do the same with Kindle. It's just much more expensive. Oh yeah, get a load of my books. I mean, it's more expensive to wipe it out.

It doesn't work as well, but. Put Vaseline over the button parts. Spit on it. Spit on your Kindle to wipe it out it doesn't work as well but put Vaseline over the button parts spit on it spit on your Kindle to wipe your arse this podcast took a turn

no no no because the thing is that's a t-shirt t-shirt you can't you can't wash you can't wash a page after you wipe your arse

with it but you can wash a Kindle after you wipe your arse with it surely I thought you were going to get

figured wash toilet paper it's kind of funny that you said knowledge is power but the first thing you're going to go for if you need to shit I think you're with insulin get to wash toilet paper it's kind of funny that you said knowledge is power but the first thing you're going to go for if you need to shit

I take it with insulin I want to take it away from the people that need it also Haynes manuals because that teaches you how to fix cars but that's more of a serious one like you know

if you had all the books of how to fix a car remember those books it had like a kind of x-ray of the car no on the front x-ray is the wrong word

but you know what I'm saying alright where it would be like a car on the engine you can see through it and all that no you've never heard of this no let me tell you back in my day have you heard of the fucking internet you daft cunt that's what i mean with the apocalypse going back get all the motor spec all right it was you oh wait that was right i wrote i reckon condoms

because you'd want to have like a balloon fight at some stage yeah I was not even want a balloon just like I would have said

condoms to when you need to repopulate so you can tie them up and keep them over later just hang them

like a little peg them on the line when you need them just chuck them up just no just squeeze them in like the end of on the line aye when you need them just chuck them up just no just squeeze them in like the end of the cheese spread what you do

oh god that's horrific yeah yeah yeah but no what you do is you have a you have a posh you have a posh wank right

which is obviously when you wank with a condom on is it not when you wank with a condom on your hand no that's called the lizard man that's how not posh I am I don't even know how to wank posh that just sounds like you're scared of your own dick you put a condom on your hand and have a wank that's called the lizard man. That's how not posh I am. I didn't even know how to whine posh.

That just sounds like you're scared of your own dick. You put a condom on your head and have a whine. That's like a sock puppet who's giving you a blowjob. Sock puppet of an eel. Sock puppet of the invisible man. I just wrote detergent as well. Detergent? Yeah, I want to be responsible.

What was your favourite? Condoms and detergent. So detergent? yeah I want to be responsible what was your favourite condoms and detergents so like no no like a really creepy dick so my condom point right so after you've come in you've had your posh wine you've come in the condom

right what you can do is even if you're ill right even if you're ill and you've got coronavirus and you know you're going to die you obviously want to pass on your DNA to the future

so future generations have you that's the best in the garden like a time capsule no just hang it on clotheslines just with a wee

explanation note and then hopefully like be you know fucking six seven years down the line when there's only like 20 women left they walk past the line

and they go what's this it looks like a condom what's this and there's a note being like shove this up your fanny and just pour it

in their own mouth I kind of missed that well that's what I missed about the old world just let it dribble down my chin start slapping it off the road

I've missed this I love the road takes I've got to do a podcast now just a little bit about that I've missed this guy how fucking dare you how dare you accuse me of a serious moment

during this fucking podcast you did have it that was what happened I would I've got another one did you do condoms and you died no he done condoms

I've got two now I've got a third one to do I've got two now oh right yeah yous have done your third one no no I've not done my third one oh well then my one is

toothpaste and mouthwash and then freeze both to make sure they last just to make sure you don't go off can you even freeze mouthwash and then freeze both to make sure they last just to make sure you don't go off can you even freeze mouthwash how are you plugging

in this you're going to have to go to the arctic what you're going to have to go to the arctic the freezer so I'm going to be

up and running what because well you're going to have to go up and bury them in the snow no I'll just plug like a fucking

squirrel with its nuts yeah I've got the I've got those you know those things that you use to inflate beds. Do you just have that going through the back of one? You've got to be like that. Sit up, I see it. You're using your mouthwash, but basically what you're doing is just mints. Mints?

Just get mints. Like a polo mint? No, no, no. They're like frozen mouthwash, aren't they? I don't want the mouthwash to go off. Are you telling me? Mints don't go off either. Mints are frozen mouthwash and toothpaste there I don't want the mouthwash to go off are you telling me mints don't go off either mints are frozen mouthwash

and toothpaste absolutely not true if they were they would be stored in the frozen aisle I presume you can't freeze mouthwash dry ice

you need to chop off a wee block of frozen mouthwash and put it in the thing and wait till it melts so for in the morning you can or you can do it over a cauldron or whatever

I don't know over a cauldron it's the apartment I don't know what I've over a cauldron cauldron it's the it's the apocalypse I don't know what I've got left on me it's not a fucking Terry Pratchett book it's all fucking medieval and fucking

I don't know who I've mugged at this point I might have found a witch Daniel if the world ends right now where are you going to get a cauldron you guys are one extreme of another once you went to the freezer

I knew you wanted a cauldron have you ever who the fuck had been with your mouth have you ever seen a cauldron you know what right then you could once you went to the freezer I knew you were in a cauldron have you ever you're a fucking admin with your mouth have you ever seen a cauldron you know what right you think you could live somewhere else

in the fucking apocalypse I'm gonna are you shitting your own bed I don't have a clue how to go on anyway I know how to get on go and explain yourself

right video cameras that require batteries and lots of batteries I know that's two items take one off as if you want no time for and I'm gonna to spend the last

days of Wi-Fi and electricity just fucking video on YouTube videos oh you guys had one for porn as well

you got a film oh hi porn that's what I meant I meant porn you said YouTube it just went like pranks

and that yeah I meant porn episodes of Critical Role just can't wait for these Just DIY projects But not useful ones

I thought you were Just going to make Like memories Like oh Me and the lads Me and the lads Coronavirus 2020

That's actually not a bad idea If you were to use All the cameras To film all the porn Right Because one All the porn All the porn

Oh you've got to get a look At mine Let's start now You film all You film all the porn So they're onw you've got to get a look man let's start now you film all the porn so they're on a party thing party camera right

and then you've got all that footage for yourself because obviously you're going to be wanking a lot in the apocalypse you've got to fucking punk in all these

condoms stick them on the washing line for the future generations right that's you've got to get that done and then I shouldn't find a

neuro washing line baby that explains you robbed him from a council estate he was hanging up

while I'm on this thought hold this thought I think Pornhub started the coronavirus and I've got

grounds here an Italian doctor that I was talking to on the internet told us that they give porn premium for free in Italy for the quarantine. So think about it, right?

They fucking quarantine everybody, give them free premium, right? So they're in the hoose with it. You kind of go back to normal porn hub after that. You kind of watch some grainy video of fucking Jenna Jameson from back in the day when you could just go straight on to 4K. She's a new actor. That's a cruel choice. Mindy Vega. I'm going to be here That's a cruel choice. Mindy Vega. I'm going to be here a while

if you want. Nicole Graves. Fran Out. We're a creature of habit. So you get hooked on 4K fucking live babes or whatever, right? Yoga instructors.

Live babes from the apocalypse? Aye, that's what they're doing right now, right in Italy right now. So there's people getting hooked in right now on 4k live porn right and then everything's

going to get vaccined or whatever everyone's going to be alright and then they're going to go back to that and then they go to log into premium find it's £49.99 a month

and they need it they need it so Pornhub just fucking set this off yeah just in order to get people into isolation I don't know why

they started in the forest to fucking blow that shit out anyway so it doesn't matter if it's 4k it's probably just to hide stay the same it's anyway

if it's 3D if it's like 3D porn the porn stars might contract the virus 5D augmented reality fucking unbelievable missed it

cool so have I got to do my fourth one you've just done it that was you what you said go I'm dead oh right fucking

pointed him I did you weren't looking I reckon treadmills I suppose you only really need one sorry or a hoarding treadmills because

it's good to keep fit if you're locked in and if it was like zombies or people trying to break in it would be funny if you just had it on at the front door there's a step on it

well you can make 200 quid from you being framed I'm sorry I'm sorry in the post-apocalyptic future are you Kevin from Home Alone in the zombie apocalypse

you're just saying that fucking paint is from the ceiling to knock them all down I get them in by playing Benny Hill music over the speakers. Alright that's it.

I'm going to stockpile protein powder right. Disappear for six months. People assume I'm dead. Come back. Spoil as fuck.

They'll be like what did you get? I'm like coronavirus just did me wonders. Properly confused people. Come back six packs.

Extends. Everyone's trying to catch it. Choke out Dave Longley for fun. The real reason. Well, not for fun. Out of principle. Because he's been dead for six months. It's the only time you can get him.

Just fucking dig him up. Give him an old fucking headlock. So I may not just go to Jesse's actually. So this one seeds happiness. What type of seeds? Let's finish like stuff that so like, six weeks before Mother's Day plants and flowers for our grave God rest her soul very next to Longley

I also joked on it by the way the difference is that's how she died she had hair fever doing what she loved she was like can you test me I was like

I can test you for a little bit you can also have pumpkin seeds and that for your latte I'm from Halloween Christmas is coming I've got to get those trees planted

If you disappear for six months come back with fucking steds and all that I'll come back with a bag of spuds See which one gets the Irishman

here in the bed Anyway seeds Smell the potato from 500 miles so I get the Irishman to come into bed anyway seeds smell of potato from 500 miles I reckon I reckon I would get like a massive

like portrait commissioned of myself so that when I die or if everything kind of gets fucked if they find it they'll like presume I did a lot more in life

and they'll hope they leave leave fake things I've done around like a memoir I missed what it was and now they can rewind back

but tell us again I was just saying a massive picture like a portrait commissioned and leave fake stories of myself around

or like you have dodgeball where he's wrestling the boat of the groaned behind Ben Stiller's character so just leave a fake legacy

what I would do fake legacy like a tapestry of your life aye no I would have what I would do is I would just have

a bunch of like really really like write a bible about yourself no I would type up a fake like thesis

and a bunch of like basically a file of the cure for coronavirus which is nauseous gibberish just send them send them around the world aye fuck them fuck them thesis and a bunch of like basically a file of the cure for coronavirus which is nauseous gibberish just send them

send them around the world I said I fuck them if I'm dead fuck them if I'm dead the rest of the world put coordinates on it and that

fucking middle of nowhere they'll be digging around in Siberia finding some of your fucking mouthwash I've found the cure it's got me really fresh

first of all I'm dying I've been rubbed on my dick you pretend you're from the future like I've got I've got cure I've been rubbed on my dick you pretend you're from the future like I've got I've got it I've come back

I've come back to give you the cure just come back with a fucking violet cut off full of jizz off a washing machine when they dig up

leave a fake cure if I know I'm dying leave a fake cure around just to fucking delete the earth delete it would be funny sending just fucking

survivors on a wild goose chase or building yourself up this thing when they get there and realise you're just like ah you know what I was joking

it's just a fucking it's an upturned rake standing on a dinkson in the face back to the fucking Home Alone apocalypse right

do I have one more no I've got one more babies you take babies you've got one more babies you take babies I've got a stockpile of babies but I'm going to need them for the future aye

BBC of you aye I'm just going to need BBC yeah big black collar oh no come on you can

you can get loads of babies at the supermarket because all the mums are panicking just take them straight out freshly picked aye do you think we just leave them

in the front while they trotty dash and I can put them in the seat they turn the babies you had any slight hand sorry wait a minute why are you robbing the babies just to stall them

because the kids are the future oh yeah if I've got the most babies I've got the most future that's basically but I laugh as well aye you can't be raging

if there's a lot of babies night feeds though fucking hell man what I'm saying is in the apocalypse we're going to be the gayest dads not a daddy daycare

aye oh man it's the sequel no one wanted but we will film the whole thing so save one of your camp quarters

for not porn and just like this is the end when they make pineapple express 2 we'll do daddy daycare first steps and all that first time riding a bike

and you just have to sift through all your porn videos to find them I'm pretty sure there is a second one already Daddy Daycare I think so you're like

your whole world just collapsed I know but it's been so long my script you can just turn it to three the kid will be a teenager I knew from the first one is it Grand Daddy Daycare

if it's not they missed a trick they might have just got new actors. Like, that happens too, Cain. Oh, fuck off. Now we're starting this. Like in Triple X,

where they were just like Vin Diesel and they just got Ice Cube. No one will notice. Jeremy Renner's born? Yeah. Who would be the knockoff? Who would be the knockoff? Eddie Murphy, then.

Eddie Murphy. I was going to say Charlie Murphy but he's passed away Tracy Morgan oh god Daddy Dacre 2 Tracy Morgan Kevin Hart

the New Jumanji's are class by the way there's only one New Jumanji oh they're both of them forgive me there's the old one man you stick the rock

in any movie I'll watch it Schindler's List oh that would be so funny just him in the wee red coat just burst into it if you smell and just get sleepy

put him in a if you smell do not take the showers that was a joke sorry no you're fine just a little bit two girls

one cup in the rock put him in that I've got here so we're having stockpiled babies as well we're going to have to have a different larder for this

because I'm staying stockpiled cocaine oh aye just in case you get hungry genuinely you're fucking starving there's nothing left to eat cocaine oh aye just in case you get hungry genuinely you're fucking starving

there's nothing left to eat you've already chewed the spine off your books that you wiped your arse with you can definitely

leave anything of the book behind it's so bad that that's such a good idea and then just take a little bump and you're not

fucking hungry at all even though you need food you're just like fucking let's just run run

with these babies I don't know why I keep saying zombie apocalypse I do it's a general food aye you're just like fucking let's just run run with these babies I don't know why I keep saying zombie apocalypse I know it's a general apocalypse but you're having a deep nah I reckon look some of them might come back for the day

we don't know yet look it's too they haven't had time to reanimate yet aye because the first ones stay in the dirt for a while they start

like as the strand strengthens and all that they start like coming out thick and fast so we turn straight after the bite the important thing is we shouldn't speculate

but categorically we are all going to die this is that's just in general anyway like your time's up at some point what a fucking

me too movement usually everyone's time's not up at the exact same time though that's the problem you know what I mean saying that like

there's still got to be like a small time in between so there still will be like this kind of fucking like, like Royal Rumble feel about it. Will there, won't there? You know, when like people start going,

the first few is like fucking, really fucking wound you. You're really dealing with it and then you start getting desensitized to it and then there's just a few of you left and you're like, fuck,

I'm going to be the last one still on this planet. Aye. That would be the worst actually. That'd be shite. Being the last one left. Fine, I'm going to hate the last one still on this planet. Aye. That would be the worst, actually. That would be shite. Being the last one left. I'm going to hate. It's sad.

I'm just hating myself. Just God. Just because you went. You did this. Thanks, man. Far out of your work. What's your final stockpiling thing? What are you stockpiling?

I said five. I don't know how we did that. I said five now. So what have we got? Let's go on through it. We're on it, lad. Cooking. A piece of condoms. Aye. Frozen mouthwash. five I don't know how we did that I've said five now so what have we got let's go and throw it we're only like five cocaine

babies and condoms hi frozen mouthwash fresh vegetables laxatives toothpaste

and mouthwash protein powder and babies bananas and calpol well I think actually might not survive well

because I have a massive commissioned portrait of myself treadmills condoms detergent and I can't

remember what the first one is hi and I've got some what the first one was aye and I've got some camcorder videos that stand the test of time you can pretend

you're an award winning director I don't know why there might be somebody calling you out on it to survive who the fuck's this guy people try to get my tortures going and that

and I'm like nah I want to watch fucking ouch Charlie Charlie bit me So are you going to eat your present? I'm going to eat my present I was in Los Angeles You got me a gummy pickle

We went to a candy store As they say in the old US of A I bought you a gummy pickle Because that's my nickname for you Gummy pickle And I'm going to do this and I bought you a gummy pickle because that's my nickname for you gummy pickle and I'm going to do this it's like a slug it's not a round pickle

it looks like an air refresher shut the fuck up we're doing a reaction video this is like game of thrones season 3 red wedding right so we're doing a live podcast I bought you this sweet

this giant gummy pickle which tastes it has real pickle taste how bendy is it it's like it's pretty squishy but it feels like

there's gummy stuff inside you know like it comes like first and like a grub in your mouth and it's like puss in well it's got real pickle taste yep and it's got like a flat bottom

which is weird like a standard pickle like a stick out of a fridge alright I'm going to take a bite mmm oh god this is can you hear it aye Like a standard pickle. Like a stick out of a fridge. All right. I'm going to take a bite. Mmm. Oh, God.

This is... Can you hear it? Aye. Is there goo in the middle? Or is it just... There's not goo in the middle. No, not yet. Oh, here comes the pickle. Oh, it tastes like gherkin.

Does it? Is it rancid? Mmm. It's not overpowering. No? It's a weird taste. It shouldn't taste this way. Oh, is it? Oh, I mean... But it's not like... I'm trying to get out and just say, that's all overpowering. No. It's a weird taste. It shouldn't taste this way. Oh, is it?

Oh, I mean... But it's not like... I'm trying to get out and just say, that's all I'm saying. Having beans in a tick tastes like custard, you know? It's like a weird juxtaposition.

I mean, it's the wrong flavour. I like how immediately you're going for a second bite, though. It's like, I don't know why I am. It's a habit. Oh.

Well. You found it? No, I'm still doing a podcast habit? Oh. I don't like podcasts. Well. You found it. No, I still need a podcast. Oh, hi. Of course we are. Yeah. I want to. Have a bed.

I don't like gherkins. Oh, hi. Who does? Oh, I actually do. Yeah, some people do, don't they? Mm. Like, I'm. I do like it when you.

You must be used to this. This is just your old fax videos. You just fucking try them. Oh, yeah. Give me a couple of lanes oh it's a bit dry that's not what it would be funny you mention

it does taste like gherkin it does but it like takes a takes a little while to overcome you I have a mild I was

I used to work in a hotel and once somebody went up to me like when I was I handed her like a sandwich with gherkins in it but there was a hair in the sandwich

that I didn't see and when she came up to me she goes she was losing her mind like how old are the tortoise she's pointing at the hair I handed her like a sandwich with gherkins in it. But there was a hair in the sandwich that I didn't see. And when she came up to me, she goes, she was losing her mind. How old are the tortoise? She's pointing at the hair that I didn't see. She goes, what the fuck is this? What is this? And I was like, fucking gherkins.

And she flipped out and threw the sandwich at me. Was it just gherkins and a hair? Well, yeah, she was freaking out about the hair, but I didn't see the hair. I just saw gherkins. I was like, fuck, you never said you didn't like gherkins. Hang on a minute. The hair's like a fun part of the story that I'd like to get back to but she don't want a gherkin sandwich. Well there was more to the sandwich than just the cake. It's probably a hamburger and there's gherkins on it. Right. It would be my guess.

Aye. Look I'm not going to confirm it or deny it even though I was there. some get sick what's the one he owes one of my girth like a little one of your hairs was it like a curly little fucking hospital

feather that's why I'm so bothered every time I've got one of me mouth now genuinely

it's his calling fucking gherkin hair the gherkin hair oh I I guess.

That's a good pun on Edinburgh history for a bit there. Niche, wasn't it? Niche. There's a movie about it with Simon Pegg, so. Niche. And Andy Serkis. Imagine Tom Hanks dies. No, that can't happen.

It can. People would lose their mind. If Tom Hanks dies. No, that can't happen. It can. People would lose their mind. If Tom Hanks dies... Anyone can. Even though I know he's like an older generation, I feel like he's got a strong constitution. Him and Keanu, they've got to survive it. Will Smith.

Will Smith could whack it off. He's lost his... I don't like his family, so... Will Smith and Hancock or Will Smith and Hitch Will Smith and Pursuit of Happiness Bright

Fresh Prince Ian McKellen better not die I didn't want to say it in case I fucking Attenborough if Attenborough Gans were fucked

Lewis Capaldi Fucking Boris Johnson's dad Begad if he goes William William and Kate's kid It's getting more dark now Tracy Beaker

Oh Hold it back It got a bit too dark It made it a bit whimsical Frankie Muniz Frankie Oh What's that What's that sad fact About Frankie Muniz Is the fact that Hold it back, it got a bit too dark. It might get a bit whimsical. What do you think Frankie Moon is? Frankie Moon? Oh, what's that sad fact about Frankie Moon is? Is the fact that he was...

He can't remember. He can't remember any of Malcolm in the Middle because he spent all of his money on becoming a race car driver and was bumped in so many crashes that... He can't remember anything, he just knows he did. He's no recollection of ever being on set. What? Serious brain damage to himself.

And how does he react when he gets shown videos and now you're not there for his physio but like this was in an interview he did I was reading the article afterwards

so can you watch Malcolm in the Middle and identify yes that's me oh yeah yeah but he just can't remember being it's like seeing

videos when you're drunk which must be meant because that made him fucking millions right and even you know even though the show was fun I

think it was a fucking brilliant comedy I never watched it oh man it's brilliant and it fucking holds up and him with from Britain Band

watch him after this fuck it let's turn the focus off and watch it now fuck him yeah like it's the end of the world man you are looking at Colin

for you it's the end of the world you know anyway that's I think that's imagine you make up all that money from a TV show and even towards the end if you fucking hate the TV show and world you know anyway that's I think that's imagine you make all that money from a TV show and even towards the end

if you fucking hate the TV show and you just go fuck that changed me because I imagine being on a TV show absolutely would fucking change you especially as a child and you just forget all that you don't have to be

fucked up by it like fucking going back to Home Alone like fucking Macaulay Culkin he's coming he's coming at the other end he's going back how good's his brother

in Succession oh man he's so fucking good I watched all of it loved it this is our recommendation Succession is one of the it's just

it's a very very good television show and it's absolutely infuriating they're all utter bastards like proper scum of the earth if you like this podcast you'll love Succession it's like who do you hate the least

who do you hate the least Macaulay Culkin's character I hate the least but he's a bastard in it he is a piece of shit do you hate the least who do you hate the least we call him Culkin's character I hate the least but he's a bastard in it he is a piece of shit do you know what I like to think the reason that

Frankie Muniz realised he doesn't remember it imagine if he was watching Malcolm in the Middle going this show is great and the next thing he pops up

and he's like what next thing he pops up he's the main character how many episodes have you watched before how many episodes of Malcolm watched before how many episodes of Malcolm in the Middle

do you think there are well Malcolm's not in it you know episode four Seinfeld when Jerry Seinfeld comes in just setting him up for a huge entrance

what he's been doing anyway I haven't seen this for a couple of weeks I wasn't oh well you go first because it'll be less interesting. I've done nothing but gig around. I've been to fucking Chuckleberry's Hucklefuck. Chuckleberry's Hucklefuck?

I'm trying to say the name of an Irish comedy club because I'll sound like the fucking made up. I mean, you do make up names. Like the Laughter Lounge. Oh, no, I didn't bring up the one that doesn't. Any of the fucking made up I mean you do make up names like the laughter lounge oh no don't bring up the one that doesn't

any of these little backwater things that you're doing crack a lack I thought that sort of stuff that's the type

of thing I was going for that was class we'll edit around that oh yeah I was in we didn't even let him finish

we just smoked him we just smoked him clean off I've been now trying not to die and everything keeps getting cancelled so that's all I've been doing everything is getting cancelled oh yeah let's talk about that

sadly very very sadly fucking gutted absolutely devastating wounded eh Altitude is cancelled

that's when that's when you know it's a fucking big problem they found some old tweets of Altitude is cancelled that's when that's when you know it's a fucking big problem they found some old tweets of Altitude saying Rachel just really horrible thing

look and Altitude's grown since then I've known Altitude for a while and I'm not standing up for what they said aye but they'll donate some stuff to charity

and make a bit of a comeback in three years hoping everyone's forgotten it was always Altitude's dream to host the Oscars. And now it'll never get the chance. But look, that's what you get for saying the N-word

when you were 14 years old. No, Altitude is cancelled, which is obviously devastating news. I know a lot of people listening are going to come. Oh yeah, man. And we're going to do a live podcast I know I really feel sad

for Brett and Mario who fucking big shout out they've put so much heart and soul into it man it's devastating for them but they've got to keep on moving

and put it on next year they've already got plans in motion alright so just they're not going to let it like they're not going to let it

steal their spirit alright just because next year's one will be bigger and better unless as we've said we should stop Paul Snow and we could do Roman oh they're not going to let it steal their spirit alright just means next year's one will be bigger and better unless as we've said we should stockpile snow and we could do our own one

ah yeah that's what we should be stockpiling there's a pit heap yeah mine and Blythe Isabella Heap we could put the snow on there why do they call it the Isabella Heap

because it's just Isabella's the region and it's in of Blythe it's a good girl it's a it's a girl's it just sounds like a place that a woman was buried

Isabella Heap that's aye there's stuff like that going on. I think you paint the perfect picture of the place I'm on about. Is that like those allotment things that I didn't know what they were? You didn't know what an allotment was? I was like, what's all this weird garden? Where have you been planting your seeds?

In the mines of all of his playfair's. He's been sewing them into necklaces. Belly. Just a little bit of compost on your belly button, stick a seed in it, start spitting on it, wait for it to grow. Still waiting for that apple tree to come out. Beanstalk. Yeah, I didn't know what an allotment was.

That freaked me out. It's an allotment of land. Ricketts used to have one. Aye. Aye. You can't grow this stuff. I don't know if you had like, because you can get livestock on it now pigeons are you looking at this

because you're thinking pigeons aren't livestock like Lawrence Fishburne and John Wick I hate to do that sort of stuff for those who haven't seen John Wick Lawrence Fishburne

plays a pigeon I was about to say for absolutely no reason other than I'm high I'm looking one second I'd forgotten the bird you're just in your allotment clapping seagulls I'm high and within one second I'd forgotten the bird you're just in your allotment clapping seagulls

and they're all coming back if we could get us into chips to get them back so Arch is cancelled sad news it'll be back next year

and it'll be more fun come back strong Colin will not be there but he'll be Colin but he'll be gone but not oh no

he'll be in a year so he might have been forgotten by then oh Colin go on keep it going for a year at least if I get a

tattoo of my wrist I might remember it or ties lower back I'll take your ashes you don't do

that because if you're on stage you'll think it's material you go ah cunt dead loser grotesque

ugly freak I can't remember the bit my parents in the front row no worst funeral ever yeah ashes won't need a name because they're just so wee you can just put them

in a little like shoe box Like not a shoe box Like a shoe shine Toe They take the shoe shine out Obviously Yeah You'll be able to

Spread them everywhere You'll have to spread them Like put them on toes Shoe polish and ashes You can sprinkle my ashes A light breeze And that's I'm the whole eastern sea

That's also true now The ashes go up my nose And my knees the ashes go up my nose my knees the ashes go up my knees my knees is all sneezy the ashes go up your nose you sneeze and then start the whole mess

all over again sneezing patients they run to someone's face Keith Richards starting his day he'll still be alive and well won't he at the end of it he'll survive he's like a cockroach I'll be at the air 3000 alright what's it like Keith Richards starting as that he'll still be alive and well won't he at the end of it

he's like a cockroach I've been to the S3000 Keith Richards going out with your nan my nan's still alive my great great great granddaughter so the opposite

of a nan everyone's drowned that's what I call that me nan oh I see near Shanghai any who

I thanks for asking I have been I've been in America have you I'm getting cramp that's one of the

signs of coronavirus oops I'm whoops period cramps what you enjoy some cramp excuse me stop all that

you little bitch three minute pause I was in New York. To everyone who came out to the New York shows, thank you very much for coming out to the New York shows. To everyone who came out to the L.A. shows, thank you for coming out to the L.A. shows. They were all fun.

And apart from one audience, you were great. Apart from one? One was great, and one... No, they were all great. One was... They were so good. Like, they won't know who they are, but I know who they were.

Just one person. And you went to, you went to Disneyland, Star Wars? Oh, my fucking God. So, Galaxy's Edge,

which is like the billion dollar part of Disney World they just added in. A billion dollars well spent. And I mean that sincerely. Like, I'm not even into fucking Star Wars. Like,

it's having stockpiled for medicine over there, but. No, man. Money well spent. It's, spent and I mean that sincerely like I'm not even into fucking Star Wars. Like you haven't stuck Pell for Medicine over there but money well spent I wish I was into Star Wars because to be a Star Wars fan as you go there must be the most incredible thing in the fucking world to actively lose your fucking mind because the whole thing is Star Wars everything's just ground up like the signs are all in fucking Star Wars language everything you do

is interactive like it's just it's a we went to the cantina and, like, the alcoholic drinks that you get inside, one of the ones that Piggy ordered, they were like, just to let you know,

the foam on top of this is going to make your lips numb and the back of your throat tingle for the next 30 minutes. Like Bongella? Aye, but just because that's the sensation of a fucking alien drink.

Like, when you go to, like, the restaurants, the restaurants inside Star Wars, they don't sell stuff like pizza or fucking spaghetti every meal they improvise some kind of alien

concoction so it's made to look like fucking every single part of it is Star Wars that's really cool man it's unbelievable the queue on the way

to the fucking wouldn't that sell like the recipe books and stuff for it yeah man there's a bit there's a bit man it's a

it must be a money printing factory because I'm not even into Star Wars you go into this fucking place right there's a lightsaber building sounds like you are there's a lightsaber building

sounds like you are there's a lightsaber building station where you just fucking sit that's got all the different bits right they give you the thing that goes on to the end it's a full fucking light up one there's a droid building

so you get to build your own remote controlled droid from scratch I wish you felt like a child it's amazing man it's amazing and then I went to the stars and then I went to the

lightsaber bit and then didn't I but the reason the main reason I'm excited is because what they're saying is because obviously they're the fucking success of this one

because it's, man, one of the rides you've got to book seven days in advance before you even go and even then you still might not get on it. Queues for what?

Seven weeks? No, no, no. There's one of the rides because it's still new, it's still in like sort of beta testing stage. So you've got to book on it? Yeah, you've got to basically,

I think you've got to go there at five in the morning as a fucking season ticket holder to Disney. Is it like in the tour at the Tower of London you get like to book on it yeah you've got to basically I think you've got to go there at five in the morning as a fucking season ticket holder to Disney it's like in the Tower of London you get like the

main tour and then you get the kind of behind the scenes tour that you have to put yourself on a waiting list for aye and you might not make it to the

fucking waiting list yet but apparently that ride Matt Mercer has been on it three times and he's like his friend who's a massive Star Wars fan the

first time she went on the ride when she got to the end of it she just sobbed for five minutes. Because it was that good. Because it was just that good. And here's the thing. So you're like immersed in this fucking galaxy.

If you grew up watching this, I'm desperate to take my dad there. And then you're just in it, you've got that feeling of being on the planets and that. Aye. But they're going to, apparently, because of the fucking success of this one,

they're building, the next one's going to be a fucking Marvel world. Oh, man. And I've told I've told Piggy straight up the second that the second that

I'm going on opening day and I'm burning about two grand on just all the toys in there like queues are going to be like half as long

as they would be because of this pandemic because they're fucking brilliant innit every cloud is coronavirus doesn't that it's going to be

mad packed now with all the dying kids dolphins working double shit smoking tabs for their blows on break god god

video seven do you throw kids into all the sea worlds now just to supply and demand

oh right so we've got nothing to plug out to Australia how's your week been oh yeah sorry

it's going to need another podcast I went on a fucking all-inclusive holder with Suppered before that went to South Africa

to the white vineyards we can do a double we'll take another one we'll unpack another one tomorrow we can do a double we'll do another one we'll unpack that fucking hold I've been on aye shall we

do I have anything to plug I've got I've got Vault Festival in London no you don't check it's still on

it's probably it's gone you know what it's probably no Vault Festival I promise you in about two weeks time it's going to be discovered

that back in the 90s that Vault Festival blacked up and Vault Festival 2 is going to be time it's going to be discovered that back in the 90s that Vault Festival blacked up and Vault Festival 2 is going to be cancelled ah yeah it's going to get cancelled it was a different time back then doesn't matter

when did you say it was? 1990 I wasn't that much different at the time that's what it was like in the 90s Mark that's why Mark Nelson

loved it so much well there's someone there's someone from my neck of the woods that got sent in to school is Les Ferdinand like a kid

on like fancy dress blacked up as Les Ferdinand just went into school the photo keeps cropping up on my Facebook

because it's from Blythe I don't know I don't know the bloke he'll be in his well in his 30s now you got anything to plug for him

Colin no because well this is going out tomorrow well oh you've got a podcast by the time

you listen to it at the Glasgow Comedy Festival show you'll have 20 minutes to get there I do

bar that I do a podcast with Gareth Wall that's on this podcast a lot I've never mentioned it no no no

he's talking about Gareth we've never mentioned Gareth I was like god that's I've edited him out of

every time he's been in just bring him along for the ride they know Gareth they know him well G-tip innit they're fucking listening listen to these

listen to these bangers it's less and less it's about NFL but it's less and less about NFL as it goes on especially because it's the half season so Clear and Oblivious

an NFL podcast if you want to listen to that and me and Kai have a podcast it's called Slauson Humphries on the Road you can listen to it on iTunes

Podbean Spotify YouTube actually I realised it was auto update so just if you get the chance at any point

you should listen to that if you're a fan of this you'll enjoy that that's all I'll say yep I'll just rewind this it's the same thing Kai

your dad has a fake tooth with a secret compartment in it so that if he's ever caught by his enemies, he can break it off and have an M&M. Oh, that's good. Mmm, a snack. Do what you've got to do. I'm in a better spirit.

I should add, he is allergic to peanuts. But not deathly. He just wants a rash. He just bloats. Kai, your dad doesn't like the movie Parasite because he can't read. I think it's subtitled. Colin, I hung your dad's boxes on the line

and I hadn't realised that he was still in them. Colin, your dad says he got coronavirus because I gave him a Chinese burn. Daniel, your dad used to love playing with you on the swings or at least until your arms got tired. Daddy, your dad hasn't chased the glass without smashing it Kai your dad won't play

Super Mario because of COVID-19 Dad you're Dad where are you we both looked

I'll put a bad one in now Dad Kai your dad pronounces it A-Rabs Cullen your dad keeps his eyes and his

mouth wide open when he sprays suntan lotion on his face Kai your dad can open his asshole at will and close it

very tightly in quick succession I'll give you I'll give you one guess as to how he cuts his grass. So much visual on that.

Neighbor leaning over the fence. Can you do mine next? 20 bucks in it for you. Colin, is it me? Kai, your dad shanked the biggest, baddest man in prison on his first day so that nobody would fuck with him, and the warden sacked him.

Well, Colin, your dad isn't actually a dad. He's two mams in a trench coat. That's mine from this podcast! Is it? Aye! You did that? Aye! No!

No, I did it at work in progress. Did you? Aye. Sorry, mate. That's fine. Oh, this is your phone. Kai, your dad eats Weetabix with chopsticks. Danny, your dad thinks the world is flat because maps are.

How does he explain globes? Flat. That's for another day. Steamrollers over them. 2D glasses. Immediately, this is you, Danny, immediately after watching Freaky Friday, your dad ran full pelton to his mum.

Should have got an A. Kai, your dad legally changed his name to Linda so he could finally shout out his name during sex. Kai, your dad contracted the coronavirus via wet willies. He couldn't stop sucking people off. Colin, your dad wrings his cock out like a dishcloth after he's had a piss. Colin, your dad can lick his elbow

and his finishing move is the people's elbow and that is how coronavirus started. Danny, your dad is a picture of your mum on a dartboard, but over the number one because he's real bad at darts your dad can't sleep without his nightlight he doesn't plug it in he just cuddles it like a teddy bear

Colin your dad farts when he comes and comes when he farts it's a vicious cycle he's like a Catherine Wheel Danny your dad wears dungarees to an orgy and he farts. It's a vicious cycle. He's like a Catherine Wheel. Danny, your dad, where's dungarees to an orgy? I'd paint himself yellow, turns up as a minion. Colin, your dad purposely turns up to PA

without his kit because he looks mint and he's in the way and he wants to impress Mr. Robertson. Kai, your dad can't tell the time. Looks around his watch

just to fit in. Look at that. You're good, we'd better hurry up. Got to go, I think. Hair past the freckle hat got you. Kai, your dad

tried to trace his ancestors, but lost the paper on the way to the grave. You've got a belt of jokes. You should just put these in your sack. I will not, great. There's a load of your dads in the middle. Well, I'll... Just make it up.

Maybe one about your dad. Danny, your dad wears balaclavas as underpants. He puts his legs through the eye holes his cock through the mouth hole and Mr Robertson doesn't like it eh

Guy your dad uses breath spray on his eyes she's a pretty lady so he's like oh there she is ah ah

let's hurry up and be flushed aye by the time he's recovered she's gone never worked but at least he's fresh

fresh come on fresh Kev Danny your dad joined Alcoholics Anonymous because he's addicted to free cheap coffee

Colin your dad got the game Donut Us for Christmas and he wears the mask to eyes wide trip parties. You know, the game of the elephant. Yeah, that's me.

That's me, Don. Delete that, do you reckon? I reckon so. Right, straight in the bin.