Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Something Something

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

Muggins and Cream park the tour bus and step into a reservation casino in Mashantucket, Connecticut to drink daiquiri slushies and record your first episode of the USA tour 2024. With quite literally nothing to complain about in their lives (yet) the boys do the thing they do second best. Talk about filth. Cream wants a feature on pornhub where you can see which of your friends also watched the video. Kai accidentally shows a stranger a pooping selfie over breakfast. #27   Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSAPRIL

Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

So normally, when we're doing these podcasts on the road, we'll put a whinge in it. Look how hard the travel's been. What kind of time would we do that? We've got a fuck-hard to whinge about. Well, I mean, let's fucking put a pin in that and save that for in two weeks' time when we're absolutely complaining about stuff

early doors it is the best i was messaging darcy about how um how much time it frees up we're having the tour bus if you haven't been keeping up we'll have a tour bus so you finish the gig you go to your bed and you wake up in the next town yeah you've got no idea how much time that frees up yeah oh to have to have an actual life during the day to wake up and be like oh my god I can go get breakfast here

I can have lunch here I can have dinner here I'm gonna be gigs in 12 hours oh my god yesterday fucking we got away from where we were yesterday Albany

oh no I think it was even fucking night one I've been a bit lost of what to do aye our tour bus was at a complete do Aye Our tour bus was at A complete marvel snap

Our tour bus was at stage door Which meant I got to Get out of bed Try to get my son to sleep To walk across the road To then introduce you on stage To then just go back on the bus And lie beside my son

Just for a bit Play my fucking phone for a bit You've got 45 minutes for me finishing, the interval finishing. And then, yeah. And then we text you again, short time, and you get out of bed. Get out of bed, put my fucking clothes on,

leave the place where I'm staying, and then go and say, oh my fucking God, man. Like, don't get me wrong, we're going to be bitching about this in two weeks, and we're going to be spoiled little pricks, because it'll become commonplace, and we'll just get worse, because that's what happens yeah this new thing's amazing and now i'm entitled to it and now i have to have all the time and now it's now everything else is

infinitely worse at least that's my what do you think the last two weeks of the two has going to be like when we go from teleporting to each destination they're having to check in everywhere um oh yeah and then also me without my family without your family hi um it'll be well i think it'll be good because i feel like it'll be going into it or it will feel like that's what we're going into a tour like at the moment i cannot express how it does not feel like i'm on hold i'm on hold i'm on this little holiday tour of america to see actually see the places that were i do it wrong i'm not being a good fucking tourist I'm on this little holiday tour of America. Because that was the thing. To actually see the places that we're in.

I do go wrong. I'm not being a good fucking tourist. But like, even for me, just being able to go to like the fucking mall, because you forget how big America is. Every time I get to America, I'm like, oh my God. But when they say something is 20 minutes away, 20 minutes is 15 to 30 miles, right? right yeah 20 minutes is like life to ashen

so you go you wouldn't just like you don't just switch 20 minutes in edinburgh is my house to collins house like 1.6 miles oh man but like out here it's we are the mall we went to was uh it said it's or people, it's just around the corner, it's 15 minutes away. Just around the corner, 15 minutes away, is two motorways away. And you're like, oh, it's just so fucking big here. So we-

Also, anybody watching might be like thinking, yeah, you're just banging on about this tour bus, but that is clearly a hotel that you're sat in. The other- We've got both. The other great thing about the tour bus is because like oh man it's definitely we're not making heaps of money this tour like this well this was part of the deal with the the gig that we're doing now

the venue was like we'll provide the hotels for the artists because it's a casino this is casino so we did a casino gig which we'll get to in a second so they were just like you've got this room so we've got one room oh but also we've got our room out there I can see my room out the window but we've also got these rooms but once a week also we do get a hotel

just because it's that's the way people recommend doing it the show bus is it's fun but you need like a shower it's to just spread out a little bit

unpack your bag repack your bag yeah I've done a really good job of keeping on top of my laundry and I'm'm like three days in the only dirty clothes i've got to me under pants that i'm wearing um been working out

because like i was good at working out on tour anyway but now that i've got like so much of my day oh man i'm 100% working out i can see why you wouldn't because you're on blowout and your family are here. Yeah, and it's like, it's just so very, very, like, Cara is, I don't know if I'm wrong, I was getting chubby

before Cara was pregnant because she got, well, no, fine, probably at the exact same time because I started getting chubby the second her honeymoon was over and she got pregnant. Because it was getting into Christmas as well,

festivities. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've always, but like, at one point i was like i'm gonna get into shape and kind of was like please don't know what i'm pregnant which which i'm gonna pretend was like me being an honorable husband but like you know what

solidarity i'll do this for you i was doing it anyway and so you know how sometimes we're in the hotel the day before we got the tour bus when we arrived in b Boston. You know how sometimes the shitter of a hotel just goes, do you want to see what you look like when you're doing that? I would never put a direct mirror next to my toilet so that I could see myself shitting. Hotels are like, well, that's what people want, right? That's a luxury that we can afford our guests. You want to watch yourself shit?

It's odd. I don't think I want to make eye contact with anyone. You're never more belly-ish than when you want to watch yourself shit it's odd i don't ever want to i don't think i want to make eye contact with anyone you never are more bellyish than when you're having a shit you're getting full butter with your belly yeah your belly just like kind of bloats out it hangs there gives you like a gun because the way you're sat you've got like this pubic like fucking bone here that's just like getting highlighted by your role and you can see it in the mirror right and i just fucking i was like right i'm gonna fix this i'm i've got it it's in me plan to eat well even though you're just

tired of having a massive cup of sugar because we're in a casino in daiquiris casino rules baby daiquiris are daiquiris yeah um i think i'm gonna nab this right because this is the worst i've looked in a long time right now grabbed my belly. You know when you get dead, it's as tight as you can squeeze. Yeah. But what that meant is that they kind of ballooned up where I wasn't squeezing.

So I had like this tight pinch of fat there. I took a selfie. What the mirror could see. Took a selfie. Just sat having a shake with this bulbous like fucking bit coming off there. And you know what?

Like, nah, I'm not a fat guy. Yeah. But I'm skinny fat. I can't afford to put weight on because it just gans me belly I look like Chuck Rock niche reference to Amiga game

do you get it nah where's Dr. Robotnik better skinny arms skinny legs big belly it doesn't spread out on us

I don't wear it well yeah you look like Mike Wazowski I like the fucking the PA teacher from go on Big Mouth.

Oh, yeah. It just doesn't look. Coach Carter. Coach Carter. Fucking nearly had you. He did have us. That was completely had us. He's never got Coach Carter, has he?

It's FBL Jackson in Big Mouth. Oh, the alien. Is that what it's from? American Dad. Roger. Roger, yeah. Roger from American Dad. Like, it doesn't,

I don't wear it well. No. No amount of it, right? Now I am, right, with my fucking belly and I'm like, right, capture that because I can focus in

and I can fix that and I'd like to see the fucking way I came from. So I took that photo. You're doing it on tours I can't move, by the way that And I'd like to see The fucking way I came from So I took that photo Do not on tours I can't move by the way Just gotta tell you I'm not gonna stop like you are

I get straight back on the grind mate Aye so fucking do it on your own tour You piece of shit Not like our last one For a while What part of me Has not been fun on this tour Well no just don't get skinny

While I'm getting fired That's not cool Yeah that's pretty funny That's a really funny thing To do to a mate That's a proper funny thing I'm down I don't think it's hard

At the minute I can't call your names Well But soon Aye So anyway This photo Was just on my phone

Totally forgot about it I'm down for breakfast In the hotel And the breakfast is pretty cramped you know sometimes they put tables for two next to tables for two

and you're like no what you're making me do here is sit on a table for four that's what you're doing you can't put that much between the table and go

oh look two tables for two you're just making me sit next to a dude for like also if I can't fit between the tables we're together

we're together yeah unless I can comfortably get between the tables we're together we're together yeah unless I can comfortably get between the tables then these come as a so I'm sat next to another breakfast goer

aye and I'm just like completely unimportant completely unimportant what colour white man right okay

so this white man's just sat there enjoying his breakfast I don't know I don't know what I don't know what I was ever going to do with the information. That's such a funny thing. It's what Dave Longley used to do on his podcast every time Eddie Who told him about a crème.

Any time he mentioned a crème, he'd be like, what colour was he? Eddie Who would be like, why does that matter? He'd say, just tell us then. If it doesn't matter, just tell us. He'd be like, he's brown. That does not say anything. He'd do that all the time. why does that matter he's like just tell us then if it doesn't matter just tell us he's like he's brown I don't know I've seen anything you do that you just did that

with sitting next to a guy having breakfast right so I was like oh there's actually a clip

that Matthew sent us from the podcast that I haven't put up yet just been busy I've been at altitude I'm not putting clips up fucking snowboarding

being a legend so being a legend so I've been a legend so a little bit of a legend I don't think you're allowed to say that when you're 40 it is pretty boomers

isn't it yeah down with the kids this episode is sponsored by Thistley Cross Slider the best Scottish slider they don't pay us to say that if you want to get This episode is sponsored by Thistley Cross Cider. The best Scottish cider.

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tag us in with your order, having a couple of drinking responsibly. And as always, thank you for the support. Open the ground. If I feel myself getting old, I can't imagine the constant panic in your head. You old, old cunt.

I'm pretty old. You are pretty old. I'm kids and now it's just a bomb run having a deck of reason because you know what we made. How am I the loser? I can't wear me. I'm not saying you're the loser. He's got his paint in the corner.

I'm having a belt of time while everyone's tired. I hate to say it. So I opened the gram. So I opened the gram. And I go to post something. Do you know what Instagram does to you, the dickhead? It instantly just suggests the last picture that you took is what you want as the post. It fills the screen with it on a post.

That's a fair assumption. Yeah. You're sat at breakfast next to a dude, are you? You probably want this picture of your gut while you're having a shade to put this poor man off his breakfast

like I ended up just what am I like what am I like it's me brother fuck so anyway I showed

I showed a dude me belly were you more embarrassed about that or the time that you accidentally watched porn on the plane that was very funny

I can't believe you woke up you never wake up on a plane you don't wake up for shit you don't wake up for shit

I was wiping the crumbs off my iPad no matter how I tell this story it looks like I'm lying look Daniel I was reading

a comic book I was reading a comic book on my iPad it was like in school kids will read porn mags in their comic books

in like old school movies yeah uh huh the porn mag was in my comic book genuinely I was there

I remember watching I'm not saying I'm not saying I hadn't been watching porn of course the porn was already preloaded onto my fucking safari browser

preloaded is pretty horny i mean i i didn't have it there in case i needed it oh right sorry that's what that's what i thought you'd done i thought you were like god there's gonna be a short 45 minute flight i bet i can still get one in there i'll let it pre-load here and then go for it no no janice griffiths already saved her time which by the way I never expected my favourite porn star would be called Janice Janice Griffith it's a pretty old person name

isn't it Janice? Is she an old person? Getting on a bit now we've been together a long time so anyway I was reading a comic book you know what happens when like I think that would be a really really quick way

to ruin a porn site which is just tell, every time you click on a video it'll show you like who you're friends with that's also masturbated to that one oh yeah end up with like oh man because to me sometimes like when it does like

every time i play on like a niche game on the playstation it'll be like andrew hamilton has also played this game like of course he has yeah of course it's a fucking idiot there would just be parts of you where you'd be like after the session or in a fucking particularly lonely day you just have a brutal whine to yourself and you look at whoever your friends has also watched this video and you're like fucking man i must be going through something because that's a it's a lot of women that have watched this video just emotional right now just say something i made so you can have i a basic bitch do i watch basic bitch porn i think i watch basic bitch porn i watch muggle porn these are all

my muggle friends i would much rather find out that i watched muggle porn than i found out that i was like i mean don't be wrong i don't want massive crossover i don't want to i don't want to be your mainstream wanker i don't want to be i'd start look i'd start looking at like proper filth just to see who was there but then it would leave your stamp on it i reckon i would i'd kill myself you got you got all right elliot steals here not a shock and you'll be like all right oh no david david carl's here but let's be real he's on everything yeah yeah he does not say anything about him he's on all of it uh um i haven't seen i haven't seen like anyone like scantily card on Instagram without David Cannon has liked this

he just gets through liking birds on Insta married got a kid loves birds he's a fucking walking zoo magazine I mean he is

he's like all that's on his mind is boobs boobs boobs I'm horny and then like for 90 minutes a week he stops thinking of boobs to watch funny

starts getting fucking anxious if there's any extra time gotta be thinking of boobs in a minute man hurry up so I was reading I think it might have been Lock and Key Might have been Preacher Not totally relevant But your biscuit arrived

Your fucking biscuit turned up I wait for your biscuit every time I see you napping I'm like who's having two biscuits today Do you know this about me Yeah I'm always putting a tray of dune Oh yeah you'll have it before he wakes up No I'll wake him up I'm not I'm two putting a tray of dune Oh yeah you'll have it before he wakes up No I'll wake him up

I'm doing coffees for me Eating over me So that the crumbs end up on my face Just so you look less guilty Crumbs didn't end up on your face Ended up on my iPad And I Wiped with my hand

I crummed I wiped the crumbs off my iPad And what does that gesture do to your iPad Other than fucking get rid of the crumbs Gets up granny porn from white Gets up fucking Janice Little Janice Getting rogered

And then that's how you just Open one eye How's your father My father was in it So you just open one eye and go, oh. How's your father? My father was in it. What does how's your father mean? I didn't know something something meant sex until I went to me goddaughter. I've got you a little something something for your birthday.

I thought it just meant a gift. In front of grassy. In front of myy in front of my dad and I was like I've got something for 12 at the

time I've got something for your birthday something something you better fucking

not fucking the idea she seemed to know she's 12 and from Newcastle She seemed to know. She's 12 and from Newcastle. She seemed to know what it meant. Fucking something, something for your birthday.

Your godkid. Space monkeys? Just what you call Martians. Space monkeys. Just really druggery Massively So I haven't watched any Paul on this trip

That's another thing about the tour bus I don't think that's the tour bus I'm here with my family Have you been booking? No Trying for a third? No No There's a third? No, no. There's a time and a place for pregnant sex.

Not even when you're in a hotel? You've got a bed. You're sharing a room with a bed, aren't you? For some reason, our presidential suite at the Foxwood Studios has two bedrooms in it. I don't really need this one, to be honest. We've got a fucking two-beds inside, two beds in it. I don't really need this one, to be honest. We've got two of us inside, two beds in your room.

Should we wish it? There could be for a fucking bed, but every pregnancy is different and you just take away... She's having a rough time at the moment with the second pregnancy, just feeling worse than she did in the first one. So I'm not knocking down any doors

being like hey I know it burned down yesterday but are you guys open today I'll just you know I'll be a good husband let the town rebuild oh no no let the village come to you like you know

I'm here if you need us I'm just tidying up all my hair in my mate's outfit I'm just doing a bit of dusting if you need anything baby just letting her know that it's always on over here but you know

it's got to be you know one of the times they have to make the move because you can't be I can't imagine what it's like to just have

something grown inside of you and the person who did it to you be like go on this is the worst thing that's going to happen this time is there not a part in the pregnancy where they get really horny is that yeah well i mean man what's that like having a monster horny for you

fucking know how you've seen my gigs um well it's it man i mean it's class like it's I mean it's class it's very good but also every pregnancy is different I know it's your own wife right so none of it matters but like it's never even crossed my mind to wank over pregnant women on the internet

no that would feel like that would feel like deep dark web level that would feel like really like the fucking like it sounds horrible because because there's pregnant women who like to have sex and i'm here again it's like a sick fetish yeah but i just they've got needs too all right but like are you fulfilling the needs are you attracted to it still because it's your your wife? If it's your own wife? Oh, yeah.

But it depends on this. Well, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not. Oh, man, it's comical. Fucking a pregnant woman is always funny. That's why the porn doesn't make sense. I don't think there's many couples out there who've had pregnant sex and didn't spend either most of the time yelling at each other or laughing.

Like, it is comical. And there's no point where you're like because you've got a big dick as well aye like I could probably do it

and go still nowhere near Ted but you'd be there going mighty close no maybe not fucking mighty close to the kids soft spot there

there's safety guards up there and stuff and also there but very rarely is the head down by the vagina I heard that's what birthmarks are what where think touch them that pleased right just cuz you heard it didn't mean

you believed it right don't believe it that's the thing right that's what people say I've never heard it it's the dumbest thing I mean don't know I do think it's something people would believe I don't want to bitch about America already while we're here because again I love it here America's like I find the opposite than most places I bitch about it the entire time I'm away then I get here and I'm like oh no

America is good America in podcasts, America in the news America on television and America on social media you get fucking like, oh, God, why can't that country just fucking fix itself? And then you get here and you're like, ah, this is fucking fun. I like this. I think so far on this trip, people have been really kind.

Yeah. But. We're moving with a child. Yeah, yeah. They've been really kind. We're killing. Yep. Yeah, yeah.

Every American has a smile for a toddler like and they'll talk to them even like really really sweet with children yes i even walking around this was like every old person will always wave and talk to your beautiful white child that could be a factor mm-hmm oh i got i got up through chav dismissed today yeah i went to the gym oh yeah you know how i look yep you know how i dress yep i liked him i was just like oh i'm staying at the hotel but they said i can use this gym because it's two towers two towers same block fucking casino hotels they're connected through the middle so you go through the guts of the casino we're in nash and tuckett nash and tuckett

at the foxwood resort yep. Yep, it's reservations. And we're in the cedar rooms and then there's the fox tower rooms or something. Because like when, after America did all the whole genocide on the Native Americans, their apology to them was like, hey, gambling is illegal in this country

except for your little parks that we're giving you here and you can open casinos and whatnot which i think is a really cool thing to do yeah like if if like after the holocaust hitler or like the germans that remained were like to the jews okay so you know how native americans were like explain that to us again because i just went to roll away well so the americans gave the native amer Americans the right to open casinos because it was like, hey, we commit this mass atrocity on you all. So here's like...

So it's like the Nazis going to the Jews. All right, you guys can have strip clubs. Yeah, I tell you what. You're the strip club guys. I tell you what, you can run the banks. Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood.

You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. You can have Hollywood. So Native Americans... Are allowed to have casinos

On their reservations So like Did the Can we say West Nats Are we West Nats The whites Did the whites Just say winners

Did the whites Just say winners If you cheat away And it doesn't feel like winning I don't man this is a country that says that that's not

the case what would you do right if your dad had nicked something no let's not even say a dad

your granddad had nicked something of somebody his age when he was 20 right

and then somebody your age now came to you and asked for it back but you it's a family heirloom passed down for your granddad but him it's like your granddad took it off me oh well give me that back that that's mine and you're like i know it's yours but like you never did anything for it i never done anything for it it's in my possession like would you give that person that thing back yeah probably because we should be doing a lot of that we should we should england should be doing a fucking hell of a lot of just giving people the granddad stuff back that they're nicked uh yeah i mean i think you've just got something like if somebody's because also first of all if my granddad gives

me anything i'll have both micro fuck it i'll have all of my grandparents right after they're dead oh here's this here's the stuff. Oh, I'm a memory person, right? Yeah, you don't need the heirlooms. I don't need the extra fucking,

the shit. I'll keep it for a bit. And then also, way more, way more important. And that's, just because it's heirloom doesn't mean it has to stay in your possession.

You can like, put it back. Everything's cyclical. You can give it back to them and be like, all right, it's yours to fucking bend then. I can't be arsed. I've got some of my granddad's paintings that like

i'm quite fond of having i'd like them to stay in the family but like i wouldn't be shocked if like i passed it down and then when i died yeah me kid's wife would go to move that on doesn't really suit the living room yeah no we the one of the greatest feelings in the world and not to go all fucking marie kondo here but we've been clearing our house and i love just being brutal like there are good people out there who upcycle who you go you know what there are 17 different types of bins and i'm actually going to fucking separate and do that i'm going to put the batteries over here i'm gonna put the screws here you're gonna skip and put things of value in it oh not anything valuable stuff in a script today well no that's what you did i saw valuable progress stuff stuff the better people would have you know what's bad about the area

you live in yeah that skip would have been a bottomless skip if you lived in somewhere where i was from you would have just had bottomless skip you could have just kept putting stuff in or the phone at home yeah yeah i just got rid of lots of poorly kept shit you're gonna start again we're belonging no i think we're gonna be better like in the streamlain it yeah well i think you as you get older because like me and cara moved in together i got the place first then she moved in so there's definitely she moved into your house it was never your house together our house together so there was and then it was covid and so we're in lockdown so you accelerated your relationship yeah but then also there were four people living in the house so it was communal and it was so unbelievable the communal then we had

friends regularly staying there you stayed there for the entire fridge Troy would randomly fucking stop it yeah when I was

moving house that's the day it was aye so it always it just me and my

wife lived separate for a month yeah oh without ever falling out

yeah Gene and Eric were over for I feel like it was a month I feel like

it was more than a month anyway so it's always just been a communal sort of house so

we're moving and having a family home yeah and it will be what we do together and I think we're better at being like okay this is what we need

yeah and also that's Cailin's room this is Denise's room Denise is in London it's not you know what I found it really easy

to say alright I found it really easy to just Alright I've found it really easy To just call it Like Because at the end of the minute She doesn't have a name And you're talking about

Your daughter And if I talk about Your future child I've been throwing the name Denise in there And it feels right Like I know that's not What you're going to call her

But Denise Sloss You're not going to You're not going to Name her Denise Sloss That's not what she's Going to be called But

My brother didn't call His kid Horace What's Bob Sloss Bob Sloss? Bob Sloss sounds like a plumber Bob Ross Yeah But you couldn't do Bob You'd have to do Robert Sloss

Robert the Sloss Yeah we'd have to do Rob Because Bob is a fucking nickname I'd love you to just accidentally do that Because you've got such a firm stance on it It's so weird how like you'll defend that stance for your life to the point that like it's boring on podcast now

I'd love you to accidentally do it I'd love you to not realise until the moment it's gone I'm conscious of it, we're on a high alert to not be able to, I mean look anyone that's listened to this podcast for any length of time understands that it's just us realising our own hypocrisy, saying, I'll never do this.

And then four years later, succumbing to that thing. You're going to be a Christian vegan in 10 years' time. Divorcee. Which one's more likely, Christian, vegan, or divorcee? I would say vegan. 10 years. Vegan would be most likely. Because that's the one where I'm like, oh, I'm wrong.

And also, I feel like maybe in 10 years, it would be easier to go vegan in the sense that vegan meat's dead decent now. Vegan burgers are very, I've had legitimately good vegan burgers. They're now at the point Where like They're 3D printing meat

And I'm like That is absolutely Fucking vegan If it's done with Fucking proteins and everything That's That would be grand I've had nice like

Tofu noodles in the house That Natalie makes What noodles? Tofu Tofu Yeah Tofu No

Tofu Tofu Fucking raspberry Absolutely not Tofu Tofu Tofu. No. Tofu. Tofu. Fucking raspberry. Absolutely not. Tofu. Tofu. Tofu. You're making me say raspberry here.

Get to fuck. Nobody is saying tofu. Tofu. Absolutely zero. Tofu. Zero percent of people. Tofu. Zero percent of people are saying tofu.

Tofu. Oh, my God. Oh, this is. Tofu. What is that that a fucking star wars planet tofu i'm not saying that it's that's what it is look how it's spelled it's felt like tofu carfu the brazilian right back yeah carfu carfu yeah carfu Caffoo Caffoo Yeah Caffoo Caffoo I'm telling you it's tofu It's fucking tofu Mate

Nobody Nobody's doing what you're doing This is like you calling it sush This is something you're bringing it in play Nobody else is doing it I've done that once I've done that once You did it two days ago

I don't do it twice So you've been sitting on it for a while then Huh? you've been sitting on it for a while then huh you've been sitting on it for a while vintage I tried it a while ago and I didn't like it at the minute it left my mouth you've called it several times at the time we've known each other okay three or four times

but like as a bit but like if you're doing something ironically it eventually becomes an ass yeah that's how I became racist I yeah yeah yeah yeah women yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's I do worry with that sometimes because I love saying such horrible things to my wife it's just because I say horrible things to the people I love all the time because I love her the most obviously therefore just say the most horrible things I'm like oh it's just sex isn't it

yeah come guzzling slut match is going down really well yes it is because that stemmed from you calling Cara come guzzling slut

and then somebody writing an email to you because it's very sexist language Singapore it's you know

derogatory well it's only in this story it's definitely sexist I think anyone can you know derogatory well it's only in this story it's definitely sexist I think anyone can be a cum-a-gastling

slut I think it's 2024 I don't think it's gender specific I tell you what the poofs

love I think there's much much higher this is based on nothing right well yeah people have heard

this podcast but I believe it wholeheartedly to be true. I put my life on it. A bigger percentage of gay men would guzzle spunk than a percentage of straight women. Yes. Like by like a landslide. That's true for any sexual act.

Any sexual act, gay act gay men definitely too boring I'm gonna put my hand up and say I've never had me come guzzled never had you

guzzled well it's good because I've been like gargling yeah like like this slap wound

slipping it back in and that like like moving it around in your mouth oh I know like

guzzling suggests like the end of 127 hours like she's not she's not had come for a like into the puddle and just like yeah yeah yeah Because Guslyn suggests Like the end of 127 hours Like she's not She's not had come For a Like

Into the puddle And she's like Yeah yeah yeah Ungracefully slurping down Like with With famish I think Down the back of the hatch

Uh huh Has been the most common Yeah And then like Once or twice Like into the mouth From like a while away. A while away? Why is that a time distance?

I'm just going to put out there, this isn't my wife that I'm talking about. I'm not talking about my wife. I'm talking about loads of other women. Talking about a previous life that I used to live yeah that was different to one now not as happy and fulfilling

at range yeah it's not that very far yeah but like into the mouth and it's always met with like a kind of male just like it's never met with like

more sir yeah please sir may I have some more yeah ooh delicious is that it can you reload and do it again

but you reckon you'll get more from that from the gaze I don't I don't think I've met anyone that is like

loves the taste of spunk I did get one that was really sound this is like I think this may be the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for us like ran think this may be the nicest thing that anyone's

ever done for us like ran a thumb right up the base and squeezed out the tiniest little last drop oh that's the worst thing I don't know

why you described that to me got rid of that got rid of that bit you know the bit that would just otherwise end up

in your boxers yeah literally done a clean up on it sorry if I described that you didn't

describe that no I didn't that You didn't enjoy that one bit. That two pornographs. That becomes fan fiction. I don't think anyone enjoyed it. I'm happy to beat that out. Sometimes you're very, yeah, you've got no imagination privilege. That, isn't it?

Aye. Uh-huh. Like, there's nothing you could describe to imagination privilege. That is it. Aye. Uh-huh. Like, there's nothing you could describe to us that would gross us out because the picture doesn't... You're going to try and gross us out? Yeah. Oh, God.

But I can't bring up the picture. The words will mean something to us. A woman voting. Can't imagine it. Let's play this game Tell us more stuff Do you find it disgusting or not Say something like that And I'll just go

Can't imagine it, it's a fun game Interracial couple Falling in love on a beach I can't imagine it A woman getting a promotion through her own medicine skill. Daniel, like,

I legitimately can't imagine. A white person winning just a straight up race. Just a straight up race Just a fastest person race That's the only thing I have been able to imagine Because I dream Man, my imagination wakes me up

I sleep Would you come back to Nashentucket? Where are we? Nashentucket? We're in the middle of the woods Man, my imagination wakes me up when I sleep. Would you come back to Mashantucket? Where are we? Mashantucket? We're in the middle of the woods. Hey, look out the window. Yeah, it's a nature reserve.

Yeah. There's not a city or a town centre for a couple of kilometres. Yeah. So we're right in the middle of a reserve. Yep. But plenty of electricity and things to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So We only know the inside of this casino I gotta say if

If in the next 20 years like Russia or China Let's say Russia do it Let's say Russia rule Ukraine America's elections go badly Russia rules Europe It just goes through They just fucking destroy They go through Europe America does nothing Donald Trump on the side of the reserve and they just fucking destroy, they go through Europe

America does nothing, Donald Trump's president he's just happy to let it fucking happen because it gives a fuck all goes bad, Russia do whatever they're doing to win this war, see if they like killed most of the UK but like just left

Scotland, it was like, tell you what you just can have brothels And you can have the highlands And we'll leave you as is I'd be like oh you fucking bastards That's not a bad deal No deal of brothels Anything in honest living

Selling The bodies of men Man brothels Yeah well I gotta be I'm going to make an honest living Selling The bodies of men And I just Mad brothels Yeah Well I can't be Can't be progressive

I'm just trying to make I make it not as offensive As trying to Do what I'm saying essentially Which is the Native Americans Keep out Good in this Don't want to end up

In Pascoe's book Well Maybe You can't end up In Pascoe's book passively Just say the name Aye Just to sell a couple of copies.

Aye, aye. She didn't name, she didn't call me out. Nah. Nah, nah. I feel like there's way more to call out now as well. I feel like the older we get,

I feel like I've definitely become more like, far more liberal than this, but like also willing to just say worse things. I'm like like oh man i you care about the repercussions less i don't think you become a worse person i think you're

just like all right well people get upset with us i'm not here to say i was safe other people's feelings what was nice about the that passage in the book is that it was quite clear i should only listen to one episode of the podcast yeah because like, that wouldn't have been the only things you could find. Yeah, there could have been a whole chapter. That was like really weak research. You could have done a lot more research

and found us in way worse stuff. What state are we in? I'm high and drunk and you're... Catching up? Drunk and and drunk and you're catching up? Well, we are in Connecticut? No.

Is it Connecticut? Is it Massachusetts? It can't be called Mashituckin and being Massachusetts. Nobody's saying those two words together. Wait a minute, you don't know how Americans name things. Say that town and that state together. Mashantucket Massachusetts

Oh I said Massachusetts Massachusetts Mashantucket I think it's in Connecticut Eh Or maybe Cincinnati Oh

Well well well Fuck my arse And call me a loser We are absolutely in Connecticut My friend There we are Well well well Ken Keneff He was from Connecticut Big word Ken Keneff my friend there we are well well well Ken Kniff

he was from Connecticut beg your pardon Ken Kniff that name that name means nothing to you say it again Ken Kniff from Connecticut

nah he does like the click call they pretend to be gay Eminem skits on the first three Eminem albums oh I think I I might I think I remember. I reckon if you'd made me listen to them,

I might understand what you're talking about. I wouldn't have understood the lore behind it. Whether that was a character. He touched the leg. Guess he's back. Back again. What's his name? Let me go.

He's back. Tell some men. Ken Connecticut. Ken Keneff. Ken Keneff. You're going on Spotify. No, no. I'm Googling him. Keneff Ken Keneff You're going on Spotify No no I'm googling him

Keneff I don't even know where like the name comes from it's just like a character that I made up for the album

Got me Okay so we were there Okay so we're still very much east coast and then tomorrow we're in Northampton yes and then the next day we're in Bethlehem yes both in Massachusetts I believe

we've got a day off in Bethlehem I think Bethlehem's Pennsylvania I feel like there's going to be a lot of fucking Bethlehems in this god damn country this is what again you have to forgive them because it's so big. And you don't notice until you're on the road. But they just stole names from everywhere.

They just keep going past Manchester and Brighton. Manchester, Brighton, Paris, Troy. There's a place called Troy near here. You know the lost city of Troy? They're like, yeah, it's here. Bumfuck nowhere yeah we'll call this one Troy but man there's so many places

there's just so many fucking places to come to bumfuck nowhere right where like even like in this one fucking casino

nobody lives in this area nobody's from here we just come here to go to the fucking casino from like places two hours outside of this did we have a bunch of people in the gig today that were just here because they were in the casino

and they happened to be a show on not as many as we thought but yeah I would say north of 15% because I did a joke about Jigsaw your show Jigsaw and it went down well for the people that got it yeah but

and if there's people there that didn't get it and they haven't seen Jigsaw are they just taking a punt yeah well yes yeah and also I feel like

I feel like this might have been like a fucking prize for a bunch of shitty things because it's like you're getting people into the casino right

yeah yeah yeah like come in enjoy your show because I noticed like a bunch of people were the casino, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, come in, enjoy your show. Because I noticed, like... A bunch of people were definitely there to see us and a bunch of people had never heard of us before. And some of them were won over and some of them were absolutely not.

Ah. Yeah, it was so funny because, like, I was looking through the curtain before the house lights went down. And, like, I'm not saying it was the same people, but cookie cutter same person same typecaster person it was the same people that were queuing at 10 a.m for the bingo oh man it's so funny so here's our absolute fucking racism about this country at 10 a.m we're pushing

my son out of pram we go past this queue that is no i'm oh hundreds if not a thousand people he threw security on a bad day at a heavy fucking time yeah yeah it is like all I

and then people are having to come up with their own queuing system because they've run out of barriers they've run out of tenser barriers

and now they're just queuing around the block so Cara my wife obviously goes fucking what do we think buffet is it like the isn't the buffet i'm like cara that's that's that's such a stereotype it could be a thousand people deep

there was some units and there was some mobility scooters yeah yeah um high stakes bingo high stakes what do you think the main prize was uh i think was the n-word pass 50 j's the n-word pass i don't think anyone in that queue was holding back on that way i thought man i you know i would i'd go in hard for that because i mean i don't think people would be using it here i think based on the jackpots that i've seen on the machines here some of them are bigger like than the shit you parts of vegas so i would guess maybe like fucking 20 30k i think so yeah because that's a lot that's a lot a lot 15 000 pounds no god no I mean, in this economy, £25,000. Fair fucks. Aye.

You're Scottish. Yeah, Esh. You say stuff like trousers. Aye. Do you call bingo hoosie? No, but if you said hoosie, I would know you were saying bingo, yeah. Because I've always known bingo as hoosie. I don't know if I've ever heard you say it.

Maybe it's just hoos. I don't know if it's the E. Yeah, maybe you've added the E. Maybe you were just Hoose I don't know If it's the E Yeah maybe it's You've added the E Maybe you were just Being Geordie I'm going to play Hoose

Hoose Yeah play Hoosey Yeah Yeah adding E On the end of anything It's just Not going to make it So go and play

On the street And have a game of Hoosey Alright Play bingo on the street The street supplies Play Hoose Play street bingo are you going to

who's he who's he I tell you one thing I've carried from childhood playing out on the street is saying game off when a car comes I also love using that whenever it's a real horrible thing to do to someone but when somebody does a joke that's shit

you just go alright car I've never heard you do that oh I've done it to Colin all I do it to Colin so often I just do a shit fucking bit I love that I love that I've never heard that in Colin Taylor Lodge again one of the bits that kind of used to

always make me fucking laugh was just if I ever genuinely insulted him with a slam while we were playing FIFA together he would pretend to phone his mum crying asking her to come get him mum yeah same time same place dad was being mean

he's being mean to us my wife and I have been laughing because we've very she's not been a hypocrite but I you know I absolutely have been

our child is spoiled like not intentionally not intentionally he's a sweet boy here's the thing he's spoiled because I'm spoiled and he's in my wake

because I'm just I'm just this is what I'm like I spoil myself he's the nicest kid but people are gonna hate him oh I'm so fucking lowly like me

me and Kara really are like are ready to be so on point and feel like right we're gonna have to teach a fucking three year old how to be like just like humble and not boast so on point and feel like, right, we're going to have to teach a fucking three year old how to be like, just like humble and not boast and not.

He's got like really nice traits. Like he knows the cue. He does. He's a very good cue. He doesn't kick off when it's not his turn. He's still getting his head around the fact that like he's two bowling balls and now it's mom's turn. So he's got the third one.

And then you're like, oh no. And then he gets it. Which is really great. Cause he's like, why is it? He's like, so he's got the third one and then you're like oh no and then he gets it which is because he's like why is it he's like there are pins still standing why would i finish

why would i have no balls left that's a fair argument he didn't kick off no no he took a seat he watched he was playing and then as soon as it's his turn he's

like i'm up yeah so he gets the he gets the turn-based system he's not entitled yet yet i but it's weird for him that he walks past a lot of queuing strangers yeah like when we bought that flight i was like this isn't good for him like we bought the flight before everybody else because your business yeah so everybody's queuing and he just walks through and it wasn't as if there was like a separate business queue like

everyone just ghosted through so it's like in his head he doesn't know that that's like he doesn't understand currency he thinks the world works differently the world works in a way that he just walks past people and gets the thing first and it isn't shown in his personality yet yet like we want to avoid it there's one story i can't remember which dragon from the british version of Dragon's Den did, but he told the story on Jonathan Ross and the story just made me fucking, like, first time I heard it made me sick to my stomach he was like the first time he took his daughter

on a non-private flight, like he just, she was so used to flying private, first time she'd fly non-private, like just commercial she was like six or seven years old, she got the plane and she went, daddy, why are all these other people on our plane?

And he'd like told the story as if it was a funny story. And I was watching it and I'm like, you made me fucking sick. You wanker. And now that I am that man. But again, like I feel like I'm not, like I'm not,

I'm not spoiling my son. I'm spoiling myself because this is i mean this is i'm gonna enjoy this i've got my family out with us and also you know we'll not be able to do this forever like this is very much like oh this does this is this new fucking exciting thing and also like it feels like something this is the happiest I've been on tour. You know what? Like, I love touring and I'm always happy in the first like week of a tour anyway,

because it's always exciting to be on the road. But like, there is just another level to not only, you know, traveling through the night and waking up and having a full day of the thing. But again, being with my family up until the second I go, it's man,

the standup is actually now such a small part of my day that it's genuinely enjoyable. Like normally on tour, what happens is all of the day is travelling. And that's why the stand-up. It's like sometimes a 10-hour shift from taxi pickup to like saying goodbye to the staff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's a long, long day, usually.

And again, the work is only fucking 25 minutes for you 90 minutes for me depending on the fucking mood i'm in uh but again like because that's like the only interesting part of your day because the rest of time is just fucking headphones on get through airport sleep where you fucking can blah blah blah eat shitty food um just fucking hyper focused like and not, you know, fucking always. Like, today's gig was weird just because fucking casino is always going to be a weird gig. I've had so many American comedians talk about casino gigs

and how the audience are weird. And it's because... Seats are too comfy? Seats are too fucking comfy. Seats are like these fucking armchairs, plush, comfy armchairs. Aye. Like, you don't want them to be in discomfort. You don't want them fucking borderline nodding off

nah so it was a weird gig but like had I come off stage after that gig and done what we would have done normally

which is if my family weren't here you and me would have been at the roulette table all fucking day just bored getting drunk the other day I would have been getting

absolutely stoned off my tits we would have done the show it wouldn't have gone how we wanted it to we would have done the show it wouldn't have gone how we wanted it we would have done this podcast drank more gone back afterwards

I would have gone back to my fucking massive hotel room and been like you know my family would have enjoyed this and I would have

just been in a fucking bad headspace waking up tomorrow whereas now you know my family's in my room so I'm like now we can go gambling

I've put them to bed the old ball and train uh well no look just to clarify i was i was going to be babysitting tonight while you and carol went out all i want to do she can't drink but my wife look even though she would love to have a drink because she's much more she's's not much more fun with you. She feels like she's much more fun with your junk. My wife is a riot all of the time. She's just, she is human ecstasy. She just makes most things.

She's better. I want nothing more than to sit with my pregnant wife and play fucking roulette for a bit. Just cause we've never gabbled together. Like, you know, and she's, she's, she's very much like the way you and me do it,

which is we're going to put 20 in a machine we're going to sit here for half an hour and get the fucking drink sort of thing I was excited to do that with her I'd be there for 20 pincers waiting for a fucking cola I think she would get she would get visibly upset if there was a machine where there was like a minimum 10 like she would

not be able to put 10 dollars on even if I'm like but it's ten bets of one so you're getting ten bets she's like she's two I don't think I'd ever get past the point where I thought a ten pound bet on a casino

minimum bet was fine like I still don't fully get football as gambling like you've got money I still don't fully get football as gambling. Yeah. Like, you've got money.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got money. Why do you want more money? I should be like, what are you doing there? But, like, you're not doing high stakes either. Like, I've never seen you do high stakes betting. No. No, I think the most I've ever bet.

Oh, you've done, like, 100 on red and black, which is reckless. Yeah. Yeah, I've ever bet. Oh, you've done like a hundred on red and black, which is reckless. Yeah, I've been toxic. You've done like a 50-50 hundred quid to try and double your money that way. But like, you're not trying to find your riches from gambling. No. I mean, there was the one on my stack too when I kept winning other people money

because that was the one where I'd won a thousand on day one and that was just pure, blind, blind drunk toxic luck but I was betting big ones then but then again that's because it was all profit at that point

I had a moment at the craps machine where I turned 20 quid into 100 quid right it took us

fucking ages just figuring out how to do it playing safe hedging my bets and fucking turned 20 into 100 over the course

of a little while. And I think, I'm ready for the big boy table now. And went and lost in a second. In a fucking second. In the actual table. Yeah. I mean,

the house does always win. But that's why I'm there for the experience. Oh, but you know what? I feel like I had 100 pounds worth of entertainment from the ups and downs of that. It would have been nice if it ended on an up yeah yeah like if you can if you can turn yeah if you can turn 20 into 100 and then lose that 100 even though that is like losing a fucking bit yeah winning a vegas poker tournament was one of my absolute highlights yeah i can see

yeah well like what a what a fucking experience that And Matt, he wouldn't give us it either. No. Our good friend, Matthew. Because I split the pot with the other two at the top table. Yeah. It got to the end. I can't remember what the numbers were, but let's just say like it was. A thousand. Huh? A thousand people.

No, it wasn't a thousand people playing. It was like 75. Okay. But a lot of them bought back in. But like I'm just saying, like say there's a thousand pound was the pot at the end but then there's a first second and third and then you take 650 and split it three ways or whatever I can't even mind what the money was but we split it three ways instead of fighting it out for first second and third oh that's pretty French it's pretty French but the the prize was better than second

to split it Pretty fucking French I still want to poke it on I was joined first I wasn't joined third That's not how that works I feel like it should be If all of you agree to not win

None of you are allowed to Oh I sucked, man. I can't. Man, you've seen me. I can't bluff. I can't hide a bad mood. Mine was purely because Newcastle got beat in the Carabao Cup final and I was on a comedown.

So I'm on a fucking cocaine comedown. I've just seen my team get beat in a final. I had nothing on my face at all. Apathy. see my team get beat in the final I had nothing on my face at all apathy he still got sore ribs he's been putting deep heat on haven't he and fucking spraying deep heat in the close confines of it's not great like in the

turbos I genuinely don't mind but like I feel like a lot of people would oh Cara doesn't like it I don't mind but like I feel like a lot of people would yeah oh Cara doesn't like it I don't like it no no she's pregnant would you spread your on a flight in the toilet yeah oh yeah it's like I like I would be like I'm past the point no return I just think now cuz like the only thing we would have been stinking right now would be spraying aerosol and everybody's breathing space here's a question for you and I don't know when it happened to me and I don't have the same thing after you whether other main door what they can relate to this first

time I remember using deodorant almost 13 14 right legs Africa standard fucking boy story accent Australian I if you're Australian. You just spray it after the fucking gym before fucking PE when you don't even have fucking hairs under your armpits. You're left with what some boys do, so you just do it to fucking join in. And then you use it at home. And looking

at your dad's roll-on, you're like, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever considered in my entire life. I'm never going to use a fucking roll-on. I hear it when you ask someone if they've got deodorant in the hand, you roll-on it's like asking for a chewing gum and you just give them as yours yeah

there's something really gross about it now as an adult, I have a man to roll-on is that a pitster? well I wouldn't share it again, it's sharing it's sharing you know it's

like fucking no because it's rolling it's it's rolling

on this stuff needs must with a roll on

like but then again it answers that problem it

answers the fucking spraying the flight up yeah

with deodorant like it's it's much more sociable tell you what I'm not into is this fucking American thing of just the the fucking thing of gel flight up with deodorant like it's much more sociable tell you what I'm not into

is this fucking American thing of just the the fucking thing of gel just hard soap that you just rub

on your pit what's that that's their third option oh like you can twist the bottom yeah sometimes

it's a cream but sometimes it's just like a hard fucking gel I'm like I don't have you ever considered me

To have BO? That I have BO? No have you ever considered me To have BO? I don't think so I barely wear deodorant But you've never noticed? Yeah well now I'm gonna

Nah Yeah I've got some withers now And I'll put it on before my gig But You know I wasn't cutting him out with it on this morning. Oh.

You know, I got up and had my breakfast and all that. I wasn't wearing it. You've never noticed. Well, maybe I'm just used to your smell. I wouldn't take that as evidence that you don't smell. We should ask some neutral people.

Anyone that's met Kai, is there an odor to him? Is he pungent? What does it smell like? But if anyone's met us after a gig, which the majority of these people would have, I'll have probably even had an aftershave on. Like, I polish up.

But I don't want to just cut about day to day. That's odd. I haven't got about my business with Jordan on. It's normally after like... Roll on, roll on every morning. If I've like Done some sweating At any point Or like if I

If I feel like I've been Wet and dry Like I'm looking for children At that point This feels This is your second time Being French today I keep accusing you

Of being French Why You're just doing French things Aren't you I'm splitting the pot Splitting the pot And going on natural When you say it like that

To certain French That tickles That tickles It tickles My smelly armpits Shall we go gamble We'll take a little

we'll have a little dabble right you guys say what day is it today it's Saturday

today you'll get this on Monday unless unless you decide that you want to have it for free

and you listen on Wednesday you don't think we're worth claiming the teeny tiny paywall the first 40 minutes of this one

was worth paying for the last 20 was and I gotta take blame there aye yeah you're running out of steam well I'm ill

my ribs hurt I'm stoned I've I've had loads of those oh no oh the daiquiris aye they're very good

so yeah if if you do claim The teeny tiny little paywall We'll see you on Thursday Where we'll have an episode From probably Bethlehem We've got a deal

From Bethlehem Nice So be prepared For the fucking Shitty Jesus jokes I'll be the first ever People to do a podcast In Bethlehem

Changing the game Right That's why Aye aye