Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Sour Milk

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

Muggins is back with substitute host Elliot "Milk" Steel who has started the year by being dumped, perpetually seshing and putting on weight. For the majority of the episode they talk shop about the politics of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival which is the comedy podcast equivalent of putting up Xmas decorations in June. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

So I'm sat here with Elliot Steele and we've just been getting annoyed because I unplugged my PlayStation to plug it in the Mac so I could record this. And I just know, Elliot, that it's going to give us grief later. It's such a blasted-up machine. My PS4 is going to fucking go,

oh, you didn't turn this off properly. Like, please, don't do that again it actually gives you like a paragraph like a too long didn't read fucking paragraph of fucking why

you shouldn't turn it off right you know when they were making Terminator and they envisioned like Skynet and the rise of machines right

if they really wanted to get it accurate they'd have made machines big whiny bitches I'm just watching I just go oh you didn't you've got a

you've got a soft reset that's first you've got the power source remember just because I'm in stand by it could affect my memory I just go oh you didn't you've got a you've got a soft reset this first my power source remember just because I'm in standby

it doesn't mean I'm off could affect my memory it's going to gaslight you I'm fucking sure I actually got annoyed because I didn't know what I was going to unplug it could have been

the projector it could have been the fire stick it could have been the playstation I had an array of things to unplug and I saw the light

going off the playstation my heart sank going to get gaslit by the playstation do you know how I know you're annoyed, get off your PlayStation, my heart sank. Got to get gaslit by your PlayStation. Do you know how I know you're annoyed you didn't do your little idiom thing before the podcast stuff? It's because we started having a good conversation

before I pressed record. I thought I'd dive straight in. So now for introductions, people. So the last podcast we did this year, now that we're not on tour, so it's not expected to be regular, we're just going to sporadically put out

podcasts now and again the last one was Muggins and Cream Classic just the two of us no guests and it was nice because Cream was getting his life in order

he's moved into his house he's got piggies moving in and I don't know if that's too much information but he's got a therapy he's I don't know if that's

too much information he's bought a new car I didn't ask a piggy moving inper mention he's bought a new car he's I didn't ask Piggy moving in and him going to therapy or a light but

nah he's on top form he's getting his shit together now I'm sat here with podcast regular co-host Milk whose life is just

a shit fucking new decade terrible terrible version of him your lass has dumped you she's moving to the other side of the world she's gone to her country.

That's on fire. That's on fire. There's fires. And she's just like, nah, mate, I'm done. And she's fucked off. And she's out in Australia. And you've hit the drink. Yeah.

You've picked up a habit. Yeah. You went to a pre-cocaine anonymous meeting. And then realised that your habit wasn't that bad. I went to a therapy thing and they were talking to me about it and then they were telling me about some of the people in there and literally the stories will be

like, yeah man, so on my kid's eighth birthday he really wanted a PlayStation 2 and we managed to pull some money together and get it and a few weeks later I needed a hit so I didn't even see it as a birthday gift. I saw it as a hit.

Also PS2. Yeah. Oh, this guy's had his problem for years. It's a backdating story. He's clean now and he's sharing with everyone what he did. Yeah, yeah. This is historic. He told it in an anonymous meeting, not realising I had a podcast to

do he thought I was taking notes as a sponsor I was there for material his kids pierced him he's good

he's like he's good and you know and now I haven't seen my kid in years because he's never forgiven me and I'm

like yeah no nightmare the other week I had to dip into the overdraft by 20 quid I'm fine it no the other week I had to dip into the overdraft by 20 quid I'm fine it was more

it's more my my well ex-girlfriend wanted me to go because you found this like when you when someone comes out

of a previous the previous relationship she was in she was going out with this guy who was like a like a head of HSBC and all of these things

that made me I don't know if I'm meant to tell this, but fuck it. What's she going to do? Break up with me again. Um, and,

uh, so he had like a real legit drug issue, cocaine problem. This is an ex. Yeah. Yeah. Her ex had a real issue. And I find when people come out of relationships,

they'll then see something and go, Oh my God, I'm about to go through that again. And it's like, nah, I'm out with the lads for a first time in a couple of weeks. This is all. Can I disconnect that and go,

no, actually he's, I know what it looks like to have a problem and whatever. So you must have a problem. No, no, no. If somebody that recognizes a problem,

fucking tap me on the shoulder. No, it's when people. I thought you saw another person. I know, but like, look, because I don'tises a problem fucking tapped me on the shoulder no it's when people I know but like look I don't have a problem I make you look like Charlie Sheen it's not right you're just like a party

I just go to a party every couple of weeks and probably stay a bit longer than I'm meant to and I stay my welcome and I come on here and it's like a fucking episode of intervention. No, I just find it funny because when Daniel

popped up to visit, he'd been out at the gym, he'd been training and all that and you just come in and you fucking put on a bit of 30 pounds. I'm looking good. You're looking quite stocky.

I've been going to Muay Thai, I've been training. What are you weighing in that now? Did you say over 100 pounds? Yeah, I was 100 kilos. 100 pounds. Fucking what am I attacking? 100 kilos.

That's fucking flyweight. Yeah, I'm 100 kilos. 100 kilos. Yeah. But that's like muscle and fat. But once I slim down, I'll get down to about 85. You're a tall boy as well. Yeah, I'm like 6'1".

But you are right. You're holding up well because going through my first break up am I right in thinking this right so she had this like what the lead is applicable

if there's anything you didn't want us to say she was always planned to go travelling yeah so there was always a sell by date there's one thing we can't talk about and you know what that is already

okay yeah the sell by date on your relationship was like there was always a sell-by date. There's one thing we can't talk about and you know what that is already. Ah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sell-by date on your relationship was like, possibly the only thing keeping you together. But it had a sell-by date. She had plans that she was going travelling. Yeah.

So you went out with her knowing that she was going to go travelling for over a year and you don't know if you want to have this distance relationship. She doesn't want to go travelling with the pressure of also trying to maintain a relationship. Oh, God, yeah.

That's stupid. So it's impossible. So she's gone away. And I, if you just asked at the stage, she probably would have, wouldn't she? Yeah. Yeah, I found that out the other day. That was a nice... No, I was trying to be mature and trying to be all like I wouldn't want the pressure

of someone staying being me do you know what I mean I wouldn't want like if the reason you stay is because of me let's be yeah

and also it needs to be her decision yeah very mature however sometimes don't be mature sometimes

just get down on one knee and beg please don't beg get your inner playstation 4 and gaslight the fuck out of someone but um but no it's you know what it's a nice bit like i i've learned a lot through it i'm no longer i've dealt with a lot of my internalized misogyny i've realized that um right where i was in a position before i was actually dating shit people i was going out with shit people and i'm blaming the whole female species going you're all right and we call them

species may mean you haven't dealt with it fully what are they they're not human female of the species the female of the species no i'm joking but like no i dealt with uh like i'd realized and i see it with lads as well um girls who do it with lads as well like i see on twitter a lot it's now that a way to get retweets is like these a lot of girls are doing a thing going like how come like i'm 24 but i'm dating guys who are 25 and they're doing all that and I'm just like alright all your tweets are about this so either you date shit people or you're the problem

because you're the common denominator and is this the part you're fishing in is this the DMs you're sliding into no no no passive aggressive

I've not been DM sliding she seems vulnerable now I mean like in your previous life before you met yeah well I

I don't know I think you've got to go through a stage of dating like you only learn through experience you've got to go through a stage of dating

shit people and you will be a shit person to someone as well I'm not going to sit here and be like I haven't there's people there's about

10 less podcast fans and people coming to your show because of me but and I hold my hand up I pay podcast fans and people coming to your show because of me. And I hold my hand up. I pay Danny 50 quid a year as a little... Ah, you just kick back. Because it gets...

These are regular stuff coming to work on progress shows and stuff. Yeah, I know. Because you pick them up and gaslight them. I don't gaslight. Maybe. But, no, I've never gaslighted. But it's, you know what I mean? You've got to date of, when you date someone,

instead of, like, what I do is, if something were to go wrong, and I'll be like, you see, fucking women, this, this, and this. And what you're really saying is, like, mummy didn't hug me enough growing up, and now I've got to fucking get myself out of it. And you're identifying that. Yeah, yeah. Whereas, I think it's good to get out of that. It's important if you go through that get myself out of it. And you're identifying that. Yeah, yeah. Whereas I think it's good to get out of that.

It's important if you go through that, get out of that. Don't be in your 30s and still be that guy. Yeah, it's a strange one because I've never been that guy. Well, we can't all be perfect. That was recently in your wife's apartment that she pays for.

It's a good way. You've made some salmon so you feel that's your job done I've actually started chipping in since I moved in oh how nice of you

I'm hardly gonna you know when I'm just living on the road in hotels all the time like I had my stuff here for a bit and like it was the place I went back to

but now I've pretty much moved in it's nice pay me way but it was good for a while danny just paid out of my hotels and that rent anyway that was a nice little there coast and that i did but uh i'm back to being a real human now it's class as well by the way just being at home and it's the best man especially the position you're in where you're like you have

earned time off if you if you want to go like i'm gonna take two i'm not gonna gig for three weeks and i'm gonna sit in front of the tv and i'm gonna go legit i'm gonna do whatever i'm just gonna sit on the sofa it's so good when you've earned that oh it's it's class it's it's it's hard to be like i've been motivated with writing because i've been waiting for that like creative uh output somewhere to put it and i've been motivated with writing because I've been waiting for that creative output, some way to put it. And I've been putting myself on open mic nights. I went up to Edinburgh a couple of times to jump on Danny's things. I've done one in London on Tuesday gone and I'm getting that fired up.

But I'm not really looking for work. I've put my name on some nice gigs, you know, like hot water gigs and the stores and the stands and stuff. Stuff to look forward to. Yeah, like proper gigs for the soul and just to keep myself fresh too because I didn't want to get on rusty. Nah. But I'm,

for every week I'm doing, I'm taking a week off and I've got like, fucking, so much time off scheduled in. And I really like, and I mean, it's like,

I get to spend time at home with my wife for the first time since we got married. Yeah, right. Being belted. It's nice to get to know the person.

It is, it's just class get to know the person it is she's class she's proper class I was telling you earlier she's properly getting into the football she's become a massive Newcastle fan she's fully invested in the Newcastle journey so we'll watch the football together

and if I'm away she's watching on her own she's properly into it we're probably live for our Super Sundays whether I'm at home for the weekend if I'm away she's watching on her own and that's just thing she's properly into it so we're probably if I'm a super sunday like whether I'm at home for the weekend or I'm away for the weekend

I'll get back and we'll just probably bed in and watch the football oh lovely it's been a good time I've got a weekend to watch football with one of my favourite people

in the world to watch football with Ryan Collin oh it's class he's so delusional he's so delusional but not that he just

in the middle of a game picks a player to hate to hate and like he kept going to me like when we were at altitude he keeps going we were watching a few

United games with each other over the last few years Manchester United and he goes this week we're going to watch the spectacular decline of Nemanja Matic who the last couple of weeks

has been man of the match in every game he's scored he's scored he's an idiot he's got a real good job of like pointing out

what the shit is playing on the pitch and then them going on to score a hat-rick oh yeah he started moaning just to explain about like

how delusional he is he started moaning about Dechamp from France Dechamp not picking Lacazette Dechamp

who just won the World Cup the easiest anyone's ever won it. Sorry to be happening about footballers. There's a bunch of American people listening from the US to soccer. So Ryan Cullen complained that one of his Arsenal players didn't get brought into the French squad. And then the French squad went on to win the World Cup convincingly.

After the French squad had won, it was still complained. That it was a mistake they couldn't have done any better that guy did not make a single mistake he won it he won the tournament

he cleaned up at the tournament like by by the by the quarter finals it was evident they were going to win it like even

even if England had got to that final it was we go to it would have been we go to the final to lose to France there was no

you go to the final and beat them France there was no you go to the final and beat them but yeah so you're going to watch some stuff with him where is that this weekend

yeah I'm at the Gilded Balloon basement this weekend do you know what fuck it it's down to them to sell tickets not me

what are you talking about my gigs this weekend you're going to plug your weekend gig nah fuck that it's down to them to sell the tickets I'm just

I can't still give it a plug I'm doing a game nah fuck that he's down to them to sell the tickets I'm just I'm like I'm not still giving a plug doing your I'm not a gilded balloon basement theatre thing oh fucking you go out are you baiting

behind that feed are you suck my dick I ain't I ain't lifting a finger if I don't have to this is why I ain't never reached

this full potential this is why I went reached this full potential. This is why I went from the young, promising comedian to the lad in his mid-twenties that never really got going. I'm the Lacazette of the comedy scene. No, I don't... I mean, he's doing quite well, but... No, I will. I've got gigs to plug.

I will plug them at the end of the podcast. I'm not going to do it halfway through it while we're on a roll with banter but anyway if you would like to see me in Edinburgh this weekend I will be at the

Gilded Balloon basement theatre please don't fucking tell them they're quite powerful people I shouldn't have yeah I do that Gilded Balloon

that's who I do the fringe with most years that's who I do the fringe with most years which I am I don't know if I'm doing the fringe with yeah I'm writing a show

should we talk about the politics of the Fringe? People are usually interested in that. If we just go like, hell for leather on it, fucking, fucking bruv, because it's,

it's absolute, the Fringe is run by scumbags. There's a lot of, a lot of the venues you can't make a profit from, right? There's like, the reason that I've avoided them, whether they would have accepted me or not,

is the pleasance in the assembly, which the financial arrangement with them is you sell out every single gig, perform to the best of your ability, and you end up owing them money. Yeah. Well, they do a thing to people to understand where the money goes in Edinburgh. They do a thing called a, usually if you do a theatre, there'll be a guarantee. It's to say someone went, I want to book Kai Humphries,

but he's got to sell the tickets on a 100-seater venue, but what I'm going to give Kai Humphries is a 300-pound guarantee. So no matter how many tickets Kai Humphries sells, I will give Kai 300 pounds for his time coming, and then on top of it. That's how sometimes a tour show will work. Sometimes it will work on like a 70-30 split. With Edinburgh, what they do is they go, you've got to guarantee us £2,000.

So you've got a guarantee to play our venue, £2,000. So if you don't sell £2,000 worth of tickets, you've got to pay us £2,000. Plus the ticket split, which is at 60-40. Now, out of that 60-40, there's also a box office charge, which is 5%. So then 55% of the money you earn goes to the venue. Then there's another 20% VAT you've got to pay. So you come away with 35%. And then with that 35% that you get you need to do

your poster campaign your flyers your flyers for the month your accommodation which is going to be about the price of it so you end up fucking losing

a ton of money so the Guild of Balloon who you're with this weekend have always looked after us they've been good they've been good to Guild of Balloon I'll say that

they've been very good to me I've generally went in sold out the weekends getting around about 60% of my room full on very good to me. I've generally went in, sold out the weekends, getting around about 60% of my room full on the slow Wednesdays. So I've done like R8 numbers wise on 100 seat a room. And I've always come away with a profit at the end of it. This is mainly because, one, I stayed Daniels for just regular normal people rent

rather than fucking marked up we're gonna charge you two grand for the month I paid two grand for a single bed last year yes more room yes ring one from it so that's what we're doing on this podcast now we're gonna show you behind the curtains on the inner work into the fringe festival if this is boring for probably my wife that's alright just tune out and so then you've got that cost. So straight away, I stay at my mate's house. I give normal people rent. And then the second one is the big poster campaigns.

I opt out of it because you're never going to have the conversion rate. If you pay for them big posters, then you're never going to get the amount of ticket sales required to pay for them ever. And even if you do, you're just going to cover them so if you get big posters around the fringe for me all your dana's just going i'm here look at me i'm here i'm at the fringe basically yeah it's supposed to be the point of a big poster is right so it's kind of like everything works it's to put yourself in people's minds industries means the walk past your poster yes but then if you start getting really good reviews the stars go

on the poster so like i have it before i will not see someone show but know they're having a good fringe because i walk around there'll be stars over their poster yeah i'm like okay cool um so it's a little billboard to put their stars on yes so it's it's a big gamble then the same people are working on reviews don't mean like the same people are like the politics of that is so insane i think reviews mean i know from last year i had my first year where i started getting some really nice reviews it made a big difference oh no then then it's nice isn't it yeah you know what i mean like i was very anti-reviews until i was until i went up with it oh yeah when you're coming in with a two-star review for your show, you're going, who's this cunt

working for three weeks? He only works three weeks of the year. That's how fucking professional an outfit you are. Like slagging them off. What are you, a student?

Are you trying to build up a portfolio by giving a bad review so you can show off your writing? And then the minute that same person gives you a nice review,

you're like, oh my God, this is fucking one of the main publications. Like the fucking, the absolute hypocrisy of the way people deal with the reviews

so I got a story for that so I was living with Tom Horton this year who let me say beforehand this person's

opinion of his show does not reflect my opinion I thought Tom had a fucking belt of show yeah he writes a good show

Tom has had one of my favorite shows ever I fucking I love his shows I love him as a stand-up as well

as a mate yeah so he in the first few days got two stars I'm bleeping that bit he got two stars from a publication quite a well known publication

I sat around with it because you know when you get that it does hurt it's like you've put your hours into making this show and then someone comes up

watches the show and doesn't get it fuck you right that person gave me four stars and they are a hell of an author and I wish them and then someone comes up, watches the show and doesn't get it, fuck you, right? That person gave me four stars and they are a hell of an author and I wish them all the best in their ever endeavours.

It was the exact same person. It was the exact same person. The exact same person. I think they may be a little bit classy. Don't you? I think they might just have good taste. And so, and then like my numbers really,

because I was dealing with like, I was having days where like, I was getting like 10 and 12 and it was kind numbers really because I was dealing with like I was having days where like I was getting like 10 and 12 and it was kind of frustrating you know and then that came along

and suddenly I was just having like full room full room but even then you have to continue it because you only have full room for a few

amounts of days and your audience changes then your audience goes from like people have taken a chance and really enjoyed this good show to people's high expectations

to people coming and going this needs to be better than the other four star show I've seen. So then you're thrown into this competitive world. It's a fucking... And here's the other thing with the fringe, yeah. People come... Like people tell me I had a good fringe who never saw my show only because they saw the reviews I got. So I suddenly realised the industry only fucking takes notice of who's getting good reviews which means you have to post them on facebook you have to take a photo of the sold out board and put it on

social media it's such a posture and thing you see fucking um tim vine ended up putting a poster around like 2014 or something like that and he wasn't even at the fringe and he took up the biggest spot yeah yeah Tim Vine will not be performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe

yeah that was what the poster was it's fucking amazing it's such a it's such a shit fight and yeah so we've got so Tom getting that like this is

what sucks a dick right that fucking 18 year old budding writer that fucking talk shit about Tom in his review. No, no, she was about in her 30s.

She was quite experienced, really. Experienced writer. Really knew her stuff. Listen, this isn't me downplaying Tom. This is me just talking. New York Times bestseller. Yeah. Won the Pulitzer Award.

So, this person JK Rowling I think her name was I love that reviews used to just be gone the day after

used to be wrapping their chips up the next day now they're immortalised online so yeah

Tom went with The Pleasants last year who is already it's a non-profit adventure that you're

going to profit from in the long run if enough industry sees you which i think he has had there yeah but they're a registered charity by the way so they're also tax avoiding i'll go on record and say they are fucking like what are they going to do to me like they they they get charitable status so they don't have to pay tax like oh wow and then charge for making a minimum contribution like oh probably because once a year they put on a show

to be like hey we've done our bit for like cancer research or anything but there's also all these expenses

that we've got to pay so here's £10 cancer research good luck I don't know if that's true I've made that up but what the fuck

I don't know I'm just taking no word for that one so the yes like he would he would have gotten a pr team as well to get like more referrals in more industry on him which is where it comes up in the long run but fuck me that's so bullshit if you're like if you're putting so much fucking work into your show and so much financial backing into the production of it and then someone just talks shit about you online on a fucking blog. Like, what a fucking nonsense festival.

Yeah, it's... And then... So, right, let's go through the venues, right? Pleasance. Pleasance and assembly, I've never dealt with because I've always looked at the fucking bottom lane and just went, I'm a business man. To be fair, to speak about the pleasance and the assembly,

I know I'm cutting them off. I have never dealt with it. I've never dealt with them. And I know they can. The Pleasance is like, if you're doing your first show, that is the venue to be at. Yeah.

And I'm talking about this like, like fucking, like I wouldn't want to go with them. Like, I don't know if they'd ever want me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wouldn't fuck Scott, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. I'm very fucking aware of the situation yeah so Kill the Balloon have always looked after us

and I like them I think there's a lot of building work going on they're under construction this year so they haven't got as many rooms or venues I don't know where

they're at this year and I wasn't there last year so I was going to look into going with the underbelly and then I asked my Scottish friends about the situation with the underbelly. I've worked with the underbelly before and they were good by me.

They saw me first venue in 2010. They backed us again in 2011. And then this year in Hogmanay, they started charging Scottish people to access their own home. So they ran the street party. And whether this was Edinburgh City Council being gold diggers or them being gold diggers or what the situation was, like this is, again, I didn't read any of the articles that were up about it.

I don't know any of the ins and outs, but I've spoke to Scottish people and they are not happy. And the Scottish people, they hold a grudge Scottish people they hold a grudge really hold a grudge and like I'm in this difficult situation where like that would have been really nice to return back to underbelly come back to the fringe Greg and I like you get again I don't know if the other had us and if I started communications with them and but I've got a lot of people from Scotland that would want to come to my show

and they might have a conflict of interest. Even Daniel, who's fucking quite vocal about it because he's an Edinburgh citizen, he's quite vocal about it. He doesn't want to drink in the underbelly bar this year and the underbelly bar is where we drink. Yeah, our friends all fucking hang and run it. it's where we yeah our friends all fucking

hang hang and run it and then he's I kind of rely on Daniel plugging my show at his show

yeah so a lot of people that go to his will come to mine and I get like a bit of a trickle down and I don't want to put him in the position

of having to plug a thing an underbelly show yeah that he's that he's got a conflict with so then I'm looking at that and then I think the ethical choice

is the stand. I'd really like to go with the stand. I think they're fucking fantastic. I work with them all year round at their other venues. I had my solo show at their Newcastle venue. But they look after

a lot of Scottish acts and they have a lot of return. They've got a few regulars so it's like, can I get onto that roster? So I'm going to really try and get in. I'm going to really try

and get in. So it looks like you're just going to be busking doing stand-up in the middle of a size pie, just pie make-up. And let's get onto that.

That's the other option is the free fringe. I love the fact that I said busking and you've just immediately gone, oh yeah, the other option, free fringe. It's busking?

Yeah, it is. The thing I'll tell you about the free fringe from I've done two free fringe shows yeah yeah one was a double header which was a disaster because they put us in the fuck in the nowhere the one i did last year at 12 15 bannermans bannermans the staff there treated me better than anywhere else i've ever been yeah in terms of i turn up every day everything in terms of yeah i've done venues where even paid venues you turn up and things aren't quite set up right and a good thing with a paid venue is because you're paying for it it means and it sounds dicky you can send someone from your agency

and to be like to someone hey let's fucking can we have the lights working properly can we have this can we have that because you are paying a lot of money to be there and sometimes we're free i feel like you can't walk in and go hey guys can you do this because nah they're doing their bar shift it's down to you to do it turn up to bannermans not a problem everything was fired walking every day they gave me a red bull a glass of water never charged me for it they were just sound as fuck the room was one of the best rooms i've ever done there wasn't any noise bleed and it was genuinely genuinely, I was going like... Yeah, and you were getting a better product

than you have done from Patreons in the past. Yeah, so the great thing about the Patreons is the gilded front of house have always been phenomenal. The same with, by the way, when I slag off the Pleasants and things like that, I don't mean people who work there at a box office or doing their job, or even people who are high up ranking.

I mean... The millionaires. The a box office or doing their job, or even people were high up ranking. I mean... The millionaires. The millionaire. The company itself that exploits everyone in the middle of it and then goes like, and makes itself out to be some left-wing charitable company because it has left-wing charitable people working at it while still taking the profits of the workers

while putting on a communist show. Karl Marx once said, no one who is a landlord can ever be someone of the workers while putting on a communist show karl marx once said no one who is a um a landlord can ever be someone of the people and i really feel that about people who run companies and pretend to be these left-wing kind of things anyway i'll get off my soapbox now but so so yeah the the the thing with the free fringe i love that. A few years ago, some fucking top, top actors like Joel Dommert and Immanuel Seth and that lit it up as a plausible option. It's going over at the free fringe.

People get nominated on it. And all of a sudden, it takes away from these soulless money makers. And it makes it a bit more for the people because you can make a profit. The reason I call it busking is you ask for a donation at the end because they can put in nothing or they can put in something. Now the iZettels come so people can contact,

let's pay on the way out. Yeah, I don't do that. But this is where I think it's not the free fringe. It's like, if you walk out without paying, you've done a social faux pas. It's not free.

It's now, Yeah. It's not free. Yeah, I... I remember Jared Christmas telling us his cousin come down or something to the Fringe and she was like, oh, it's great here. The free Fringe is awesome. I've been to like seven shows in two days and haven't spent a penny. And Jared was just embarrassed.

He was like, no, you're meant to make a donation. Like they're my friends, they're people like me, colleagues, my fucking brothers and sisters and you literally just took something from them for free but I'm like it's called the free fringe

why would you yeah I always had a thing it should be called the busker's fringe yeah right last year I had an excellent show like my show was really good

so according to that review according to that according to several but but I wouldn't mind on the way out if like, especially like, it is nice.

I can understand why. What would be annoying is people, I don't know how to explain it. People who put in like two pence, who've made that, like, just leave my fucking show. Just stare at me in the eye. Oh, they're the people that tap the bottom

of the collection tree at church. Stare me in the eye and walk out as a broke person because I don't really care too much, but you motherfucker getting me excited for me to looking at this. Have you ever done that where you've reached into your pocket

for like a homeless person asking you for change and you reach into your pocket and you pull your hand out and you've got like 14p in an assortment of fives and twos and ones and you're like

oh no I wish I'd just said no I've done it where I've gone into my pocket and just pulled out a middle finger and laughed no

just waved my house keys in their face. I go into my pocket and I pull out a sandwich and just eat it in front of them. What funny... Listen. Man, I had a situation. Let's get off the fringe for a second and let's talk about more.

Let's do this. What a horrible thing to say. I had a situation where I bought Alice new bedding, right? And I had all my previous bedding. And then all I wanted to do was give it to charity shops. Because it's like, I washed it and cleaned it and it was there, ready to go. And it's like cold on the streets of London. And no charity shops will take it

and no, you know the bin delivery thing the bins where you can put charity clothes none of them will take it. Why? I guess hygiene is where you've been shagging. Someone's fucked in yeah, fair enough. It might be that but like fuck man all I was thinking is, and then I was like

I was chatting to Natalie and she was like, should we, all I was thinking is, and then I was like, I was chatting to Natalie and she was like, should we just offer it to someone? She was just like, stop someone in the street, say, hey, do you want this duvet? And Natalie was like, if we do do that, she was like, it has to be you that does it because you look like you're way closer to being the next person.

You should have it. If Natalie does it, she just looks like a fucking, in there so you can party if Natalie doesn't she just looks like a fucking pat yourself on your back yeah fucking yoga

going fucking gluten free motherfucker that's just trying to buy buy yourself

some nice karma tickets where I'm going to make man the struggles real I'm one bad

fucking decision away from you I don't it's where I'm going to end up with them going, mate, man, the struggle's real, I'm one bad fucking decision away from you, you had gotten it too big. This girl, just living in Australia, was exactly like that.

She is the most like, sort of, we've got to help people and all of this sort of stuff, but had never been in like the position of understanding what that is. Bet you couldn't help someone

with telling someone. Bet you couldn't help someone with telling someone. Bet you couldn't. Oh no, she would, she would, she would. Oh, you're trying to beat her up. I just fucked her right up. I was like, well, calm down. Now she's fucked off and all of a sudden you're like, yeah, that cunt.

I thought just the way you put the voice on. I'm sorry if you're listening. She's like, no, we've got to help the people and all of that. But it was, I don't know how to explain it. I thought you were doing the voice of the person that I thought Natalie would look like if she did. Oh, right, yeah. Darcy did sound like that though, didn't he?

No, it's more of a, it's like it all comes from the correct the completely correct place but like we had it one okay to give you an example what i'm talking about uh we're walking through shepherd's bush it's quite late at night we're out we're in a rough bit of shepherd's bush and there's a load of like lads um who all right let's fuck it there's a load of lads outside the shop right and Asian lads and I'm walking through with a white girl who's dressed quite skimpy

and stuff right and where I grew up I'll tell you where I went to school that was just like a thing where boys I was mates with the Asian lads but some of their views

and men's views on women can be different depending on your religion and we're walking through and I'm seeing the way these guys are acting they're calling out at girls they're doing all this

catcalling and that and I'm like oh alright they forget what year it is yeah and I'm seeing the way these guys are acting they're calling out at girls they're doing all this catcalling and that and I'm like oh alright they forget what year it is yeah and I'm just like oh fuck okay here we go

so I pull Darcy in a little bit closer and I just say to her and then I get like I explain to her like I explained to you there and I got like her you need to not judge people on their ethnicity

and their background and stuff and I was just there going to her like I wasn't I was judging them on their actions and their background and stuff and I was just there going to her like I wasn't I was judging them on their actions and I was judging them on mates I used to

go to school with that were like that back when I wouldn't know a thing like that was wrong I've seen them do it I've seen them do it and I know roadmen

it's the same guys that were there three years ago yeah yeah and I'm not there going like it's because I can see the way they're in

roadman outfits they're doing this sort of thing and it's like in my area like you've got like you've got white in bits of london's you've got white gangs white guys as you get people move into their ethnicity group that's what happens in london what's roadman roadman's like um it's kind of like it's now kind of a joke but like it used to be you do road your job is on road in it isn't like yardie is it a play on yardie's are jamaican jamaica like a yardie would be your part of the jamaican crew you break don't you uh

but like so where i grew up road men it was like you'd be in a gang you do road you sell drugs you rep your ends oh so it's like it's is it like saying a chav and a road man and uh like is it like a socio-economic group rather than a sort of road man Roadman is more like... It's kind of like... Can you get a rich roadman? Yes and no. You'd sort of go like, I did road. Like, I was on road. I was doing road. Can you get a white roadman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It depends on your...

You used to... So, in my era, you used to have SMS, which were the Somalian Muslim soldiers, which is where they were like the... They were like the Asian gang. Not the Asian gang, the African, the Muslim gang, sorry. Then you'd have certain gangs that were like black gangs, but white people could be in the black gang. And people could be in different gangs.

It wasn't like an American prison style system. So it was more than a word for plastic gangster? No. It was more like, back when I was a kid, it was like you carried a knife, you sold drugs, and you stepped to people. you'd go to people like where are you from it was back when

the postcode war was happening so if you're on road it's like what ends are you from Grove Street yeah yeah and then I'd spud you

and be like yeah you play San Andreas but that's what I was going back to Darcy right so I was saying to her like that night I was going like no I wasn't judging someone based what I was going back to Darcy right so I was saying to her like that night I was going like

no I wasn't judging someone based on I was watching what had happened and what I'd grown up with but she's like on this left she's like grown up

in the countryside but she's very left wing and liberal so she's like no no no you were being racist and I was like I fucking wasn't

I was watching them outside the McDonald's and I saw what was going on at anyone who walked by I was like yo babes come here come here and I was like I fucking wasn't I was watching them outside of McDonald's and I saw what was going on at anyone who walked by I was like yo babes come here come here

and I was like there's ten of them and there's two of us and I'm faster than you Darcy I'm over here I'm gonna get a head start have you ever had that

did you ever like find when you moved to London, you had like preconceived conceptions and then like you'd have a little thing where you realised, oh fuck, I was just being a little bit mildly racist there. No. No, you're pretty sure. No, it's really cool here in East London

because like there's no majority. Like I'm not part of a white majority. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like there is no majority. I guess if there was a majority probably turkish yeah yeah it's like i mean on the on the like uh shops and cafes and stuff that are most turkish owned it seems yeah but now there's like there's such a real it's like a world headquarters it's such a mix that there's no tension it kind of it kind of mixes but it it's

like when people like london's a melting pot and it mixes you're like it does on the high street it doesn't like depending on yeah do you know i mean like the area i live in if you come to fort and heath right like it's like big jamaica center big all there's bigger there's a mosque there's loads of things going on but everyone still kind of sticks to their own bit yeah like no one it's not like the jamaicans and the muslims will buy and they're like hey man we'll come mosque tomorrow you come to the jerk chicken shop

it's like no no no you guys got your thing over there we got ours here and like yeah there's a mosque over there

and there's a Buddhist centre and I've never seen any conflict I've never seen any tension I've never seen any like

I've never felt threatened because we live next to a park at least something's worried about Natalie walking through the park if she takes

a shortcut back at night, but that would just be in general. That's a men thing. Wherever we lived. Well, yeah, it's just that women are

more vulnerable to attack than men. It is a concern, but that would be the same in any city, walking through a park. Don't you find it

nuts here? You see when groups like the EDL will go mental mental over they'll go like look at this like islamic pedophile group or something and then you'll see just as many like up dudes from like i don't know some place up north like white dudes doing the same thing and then they're just quiet on the thing and you're like you don't really care about stop stop using like your stop throwing your agenda on a legitimate like thing to try and stop a struggle now surely it should just be anti-pedophile yeah just any pedophile i don't know how we've got on to race i did that sorry you took it straight to pedophiles as well so all right well you've

seen us on the subject we really just you really just took it away from the fringe there we're just talking about fringe politics and you're like hey what about homeless people what about race relations people

whoa can we just get back to the free fringe so you're thinking of doing free fringe I'm so sorry about that I just realised

what I did well let's bring it back maybe maybe not this was meant to be about my breakup I just realised what I did. Well, let's bring it back. Maybe not. This was meant to be about my breakup. It was about you being in turmoil. So, I'm writing a fringe show. That's the top and bottom of it. I'm writing a new show.

And it's going to be ready for... When I tour with Daniel, I'll have new material. I'll be able to put some shows on. When it new material. I'll be able to put some shows on. When it's ready, I'll be able to put some shows on in London, in Newcastle, and anywhere where I might have a following. Give us a tweet if you say, hey, come to my town and put on a show. And I'll probably put, I'll not call it a tour, because it's probably just going to be a handful of solo shows here and there.

It's still a tour? It's still a tour. I'll do something of a tour, but it might not's it's difficult to say because i've done a tour really it was big and it was back to back but you know what i mean i might just put on some solo shows at venues i'd still say it's a tour because like you've got a you're no no i'm going to come home in between each one yeah but your thing is like you're're so like, you know, you're very modest in like your success. You are kind of like a very modest,

like you'll sit around afterwards and have a drink with it. You are like sort of go out and have a drink with everyone. But like, I feel like this industry, yeah, you sometimes have to be not, you have to make out your further than you, like we know comedians who will be like hey new post tomorrow

new and they won't just it's just like just post it bro new post tomorrow big announcement and it's like they're doing like

four dates somewhere and they're being their own hype man and that's the thing with this industry you kind of have to do that I think

you know I find I used to think that success was having a diary full new on arts optional taking time off is the that's the new yeah that's the new rich in comedy is to gan i'm not gonna work this weekend i'm gonna take april off yeah that's the that's the there that that's where it's at new like but you have to you have to fucking work intensely for a good fucking

while before you can back yourself out of that but yeah so I'm gonna I'm gonna work on this sort of show getting back to this point I'm gonna work on

this sort of show I'm gonna I'm gonna put it on in a bunch of places might take it to Australia next year probably take it to a handful

of places that I'm already familiar with I'd like to take it to the fringe but I'm I'm already familiar with I'd like to take it to the fringe but I'm not going to get bent over

I'm too long on the tooth for that game I'm not going to have my pants running my ankles and fucked up

the arse like I'm going to like honestly if I was going to like I'm like I don't

need your fucking pen smiths coming in attacking like I mean reviewers have been kind of this since

fucking 2013 like I haven't had a fucking bad gig 2011 was my last fucking bad review yeah right just coming in attacking like i mean reviewers have been kind of it since fucking 2013 like i haven't had a fucking bad gigs 2011 was my last fucking bad review yeah right since 2013 fringe i'm your third fringe i figured it out like everyone's been kind but still people are gonna you're putting yourself you're opening yourself up for people to talk about you you're opening yourself up for you're losing money and i just i i'm not that asked to boot the whole industry side of it yeah if if i wanted i could just get a small venue in blythe and put it on every day of august yeah and probably doing that probably they are eight numbers for the full run

and keep 100 of it um talk of scummy white people there won't be much industry attention and there won't be much diversity in the crowd what do you get out of the fringe I've got a shift at Morrison's I'm going to write a new show and I'm working on it and I've done some new material and I'm liking the material I'm doing and it's going to be fun and I'm going to put it on where I can't put it on I'm just not going to be

I'm not going to be shagged up the arse do you find have you ever written towards reviews no find have you ever written towards reviews no like have you ever injured oh I knew the punch drunk show was gonna get what did that did that in your head did that make you like go it made us um it didn't make us try and replicate it the year after so the punch drunk show was about um rescue I mean people can download it off my website go watch it

it's on kaihomfries.com forward slash shop use a discount code muggins plug so there the Punch Drunk Show was about the whole

community of blithe clubbing together to raise money for Cain's cancer treatment it's a heart string show and it's about my upbringing

with my brother and how we came together to create this event, the boxing event where you got punched in the face and punched Adam in the face also. Good fight. As fights go, that does sound like a good one.

So that show, it had that extra star in it so it'd come through. It was my five-star show where the five star came in I knew the next year I wasn't going to try and pull another heart string show out of my arse

because I would have had to force it I didn't have a story as good so I just made a show that was funny and it just got four star reviews

across the board I knew I wasn't going to get it at fifth and I knew it was too funny for it to get anything less so like yeah

yeah I get what you mean because I had last year I had for it to get anything less. So like... Yeah. Yeah, I get what you mean. Because I had last year, I had for the first time, I had like a, not a sad bit in my show, but just like a very honest moment in my show. And it was like,

that was a thing that I would find got a good reaction and stuff. And I think it's like a really good thing to learn how to play with that reaction sometimes. As a stand-up, like there is something about not just learning how to be funny on stage, but being really open, being really honest. Sloss does it perfectly, playing attention, bringing people back in.

But it's like this year, I don't feel exactly what you were saying. I might do three 20-minute bits or three 20-minute bits. And they're all about things because I like my stand-up. I find I like to write, with a point to it, as well as being funny, but I'm not going to have, something that's just like,

because man, I'll tell you what the bit was, it was about like, how I used to self harm, and then fucking, halfway through the fringe, because I'm saying it every day, I'd be on stage,

talking about how I used to cut myself, and I'm there going like, I might take that route home, that goes past the milkshake place, so I can get a milkshake, and I'm having this like, moment where I'm opening up, might take that route home that goes past the milkshake place so I can get a milkshake. And what happened is like a moment where I'm opening up in more ways than one. And I'm there going like, I could go past the sushi place and get a can. And I'm meant to be like actually like fucking holding this moment to my audience.

So what's the premise that you're thinking of self-harming yourself and then you get distracted by a milkshake? No, no, no. That was genuinely happened. I had a bit in my show about how I used to self-harming yourself and then you get distracted by a milkshake. No, no, no. That was genuinely happened. I had a bit in my show about how I used to self-harm. Okay. It was a load of jokes. It wasn't like a 45 minutes

deliberate there, hot, like the 45 minute thing is where you apparently, it's like a thing in the industry where you have a dip in your show because that's where it usually dips. So you double down on it.

Mm. And then you... You tell them about your dad's lump on his testicles yeah that's all that's how i'm breaking it down dad i don't know i don't know how to break this news i've why have you got me to do it just send him the link dad i really think you should i really think you should have got a doctor to do this so the bit was about like

it was just a load of jokes I used to have about it right it was just a bit that I had about it okay but I would be doing that bit on stage and like I had to learn how to deal with the audience reaction and I would be doing that one day and I found out actually sometimes it required not a joke just a moment of honesty and I would be doing that

so in my head I'm talking about it my head, I'm talking about it. So on stage, I'm talking about it. But in my head, I'm like, oh yeah, I could get the banana and strawberry one today, actually. That looked quite nice when I saw that lady order it yesterday. And then, oh, fuck it. So I used to self-harm. Because you say it every day.

You get back to it. So this year, what's your plan? Are you just going to write what you find funny? Yeah, I've got three sort of... With no real direction. You're just going to see what comes. I always think, yeah, you write with a... I find for myself, I write with a direction.

Like wherever I write, it's come from here. And so everything will be interlinked i have to find the bit stand back at one point and go here's the link here's what i'm talking about and it might be relationships it might be this it might be that but it all comes from the same place of what i'm wanting to talk about i'm only doing this fringe this year because i want to do it yeah because i got told like you had a good fringe last year go do it and i was like yeah and then i started writing and i was like oh no i've got something i want to say this year i've got something i want to do this show i would hate to just go fuck i've got to go write a show

because i've done that before and you just choose i just tried to do it it didn't really work as well as it could have done and that's a learning experience but I don't I don't I think like you do it perfectly and go like cool I'm just gonna go write an

hour of stand-up this year still good show yeah it's still great but you've you've proved you can do both things yeah I've done the narrative show and

I've done the I've done the stand-up show and usually I'll do like a fucking set piece at the end that kind of ties it together so it's like nice and it's got a ribbon on it I need a gimmick I have do like a fucking set piece at the end that kind of ties it together so it's like nice and it's got a

ribbon on it ah you're a gimmick I have ended on a gimmick I've ended where I've battle rapped and done a Rubik's Cube I've ended fucking

where I've brought out like fucking I've brought someone on stage and fed them with Final Punchline you can download that show it's

called In Full Colour In Full Colour. In Full Colour is also what I tried to make this podcast about. Well, well, shade puns as well

as satire about the... Just coming on and just fucking being mildly racist. Mildly? So, so this year, back to the fringe.

Sorry, no, let's stick on the theme of right that wasn't being racist you weren't you weren't you were being observational about your area yes

thank you and how that can be perceived as racist yes thank you now I'm going to get back to this I'm going to do a show

about so this is the premise right it might not be what I do this is just the like fucking the first draft idea right

is that it's going to be about hobbies and recreation right like the things that you do for joy in life and the whole

premise of it maybe might be this is that we're living in a simulation and if this is a game that you want to be having fun with it yeah

you don't just fucking you don't play a game with a fucking straight face and just follow the fucking story mode. You had to have a little side quest and have fun. So I'm going to date about the hobbies that fucking light up your life.

So I'm going to date about Muay Thai and fighting. So the first bit of material is the first fight I ever got into when I was a kid and when I joined the boxing gym and stuff like that. And now I'm going to do some stuff

about knitting as well. I'm going gonna do some stuff inspired by the VR the virtual reality which will tie into life being a Simulation and and I'm this is my working title knit a box a glory Laked that's what I think I'm gonna run with that thing. I think that's gonna be the premise of me show. That's nice And the other option was going to be just Carl at Linda and just do some childhood stories and a book with my I could do a show with Carl at Linda and a book with my. So it's going to be

one of the other. It's either going to be Carl at Linda or it's going to be Carl in the box at Glory and it's either going to be about my childhood, my upbringing and my relationship with my mother or it's going to be about my hobbies. I thought I was going to do I wanted to call mine for several years

I wanted to call one Jet Fuel Can't Melt Elliot Steel Beams oh wow or or Enceliot but like

Enceliot Steel Enceliot Steel however my only thing is is I just I don't want to throw my name into like the pun game

and all of that I was just like I thought you were going to say the insult vibe I don't want to throw my name into like, the pun game and all of that. I was just like. I thought you were going to say the insult vibe. I don't want to throw your name into that. No, that's the other thing. I wouldn't want. What's the boys?

The something boys? Proud boys. Oh, fucking hell. I wouldn't want those kinds of groups. cause like my show this year is basically what I'm doing is what I'm trying to do is, uh, I'm sick of seeing like,

I'm part of like lad culture. I'm part of it. I, I, I'm with to do is I'm sick of seeing like I'm part of like lad culture I'm part of it I'm with it and stuff but I'm sick of seeing comedians like me who represent me go on and take

the fucking piss out of minorities and be horrific about them so I'm trying to do that do it on podcasts yeah do it on fucking come on

there's like 8 people listening to this 4,000 episodes fuck man that's me cancelled that would count as an arena that was a gig

this is this is gonna be yeah I'm definitely do you know what I do worry about this podcast because I know that if something's gonna happen in the future

where I come like quite well known they're just gonna pull up snippets of this well Danny survived fucking yeah but Danny's never said anything.

I've been on podcasts with Danny that he's deleted because it's gone. No. There was one we had to. We did in New York where the start of it, we fucking had to. Oh, we just restarted again, yeah. Yeah, we had to.

Yeah, we restarted. Really, because it was shade. Yeah. But like, the... No, but I think, do you know what? You see all that council culture and stuff. Like most of it is like someone will bring out a clip of someone and it is them being horrific.

Yeah, like Kramer. Kramer from Seinfeld. Oh yeah, he should have been cancelled. Yeah, yeah, that's just like you've shown your true colours and no one likes you anymore. Yeah, yeah, that's not political correctness gone mad.

You can't be out and out racist. This is the thing, people don't realise that you've got freedom of speech but that doesn't mean freedom of consequence. Like,

you do have, you can go say those things but then the response of it back isn't unjust. That's people reacting to it. If you can't fault Justin Lee Collins on your missus, people are probably going to stop tackling it. Hell, no. Come on.

Come on. We all have bad days. I mean, I'm going to cancel the PlayStation. I'm going to put it back on. It's going to be fucking emotionally manipulated. As soon as my friends leave and that it's going to be like what do you mean by that

I'd love it I'd love it if a clip comes out and it's just you talking to your PlayStation if you ever embarrass me in front of my friends

I will fucking you turn on when I say you turn on and I just start downloading an update instead of letting us play it but yeah just to fucking get us back

but I'm going to try I'm going to try like set myself the challenge of like writing woke comedy but from a lad angle this year. Like set myself

the challenge of like being on the side of like, but like saying like, lad, we've got to change this. You know what? I fucking,

I've done that, like last year I'd done some stuff about the male pill. Yeah. Oh, that was very woke. I'd done some stuff About the male pill Yeah Oh that was very woke And I boycotted the pill Very woke

And I got called By a good friend Another comedian And I've been chatting To some other comedians And they were like You're just getting A bit too woke

Who was it? I'll tell you off the podcast But I was like Fucking What do you mean Too woke? Well because I'm Showing a little bit

Of fucking respect You think I'm trying To like fucking Virtue signal here And I'm like Like I'm showing a little bit of fucking respect you think I'm trying to like fucking virtue signal here and I'm like like I'm just I ended up having like a bit of a

fucking debate with him in the bar but he thought he was just like making a positive interference because him and another couple of

fucking 40 year olds had a chat about it and said I was weird but like man people are laughing I'm coming from the right angle and you know what it's people are laughing I'm coming from the right angle and you know what

it's fucking good hearing something war coming from someone like me yeah you know it's progressive it's much better than

hearing it from some fucking cardigan wearing Peter Cook oh man well that's the other thing those espionage pussy getters who are fucking Tinder feminists

oh man the amount of them in comedy I saw someone do a bit like on stage one time where he genuinely went like, he was doing a whole thing about like how men should, you know, the kind of guys who stare at women on the tube. And I wanted to go and take the mic and go,

cool, so when you're on the tube, you've got blinders on, yeah? So you see a fit girl get on. You won't acknowledge it. Because I know women, there's an account called Fit Guys on the tube where it's just girls uploading pictures of fit lads on the tube do you know why i was angry because i wasn't on it that's why like i wasn't i wasn't annoying that existed i wasn't like how can women have this

and men can't people don't stare and start heavy breathing and rubbing your belly button that's weird but fuck me you can acknowledge that someone's attractive don't start cat calling them just have a have a little glance go wow that's made my day then go on about yourself

fucking let me get my phone you don't need to upskirt them oh well yeah right this is this is coming to

overrun territory so let's let's slag off each other like that because can we plug our shit first they've been up to some mad I thought you didn't want to be plugging

I will at the end of the podcast so this weekend I will be at the Gilded Balloon do we do come one come all Edinburgh Edinburgh

the basement theatre I'm on with there's actually a fucking belter line up the Gilded Balloon always put on belter line ups they are great to everyone I was just trying to be funny earlier

please please keep booking me but I will also on Tuesday this tuesday the 11th of feb i will be doing my new show at leicester comedy festival at the cookie uh tickets are available on their website and then on to a 23rd of this month i will be at vault comedy festival london doing my brand new show it's like seven7.50 ticket. Ticket links are in my Insta bio and stuff. Again, on their website.

Then on the 20th of March, I'll be doing my last year well-reviewed show, Merced, at Brighton Comedia alongside Marlon Davis, who will be doing his show. And then, well,

we'll both be at, oh. Altitude Festival. Altitude Festival, yeah. Come to Altitude Festival, man Festival yeah come to Altitude Festival man like it's getting a bit close now if I could just

pull a couple of grand out of the bag to come on the best holiday of your life but man if your act comes in this weekend fucking

get yourself to Altitude it's the best fucking week of my life every time it's on it's genuinely it's so good it's ruined every

holiday since because it's it can't it can't match it. It's essentially just coming on the sesh with us on the mountains and snowboarding through the day and all the upright skis, comedy. It's in Meyerhofen and it's on air from the 31st of March, first week of April. It's that duration.

Meyerhofen, Austria. You fly into Innsbruck or Munich if you want to check your flights, make sure you get Meyerhofen for your accommodation and thennsbruck or Munich if you want to check your flights make sure you get Meyerhofen for your accommodation and then Altitude Festival for your wristbands and that's it that's your perfect holiday package

it's the best comedians in the world like it's just good comedy you get to hang out with everyone as well I went for dinner with people last year if that's going to entice you

that you get to go to dinner with me we're going to do a live podcast can I be on it yeah can I yeah what a pathetic thing to ask

while that's still on it? Yeah. Can I? Yeah. What a pathetic thing to ask while that's still on. It was really like, can I, please sir, can I have some more? Yeah, so me and Daniel introduce it

and then we'll get a rotation of guests on and we'll get you and Colin and Gareth and all the regulars. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah. Maybe, maybe not Colin, but. Your dad got thrown out of Zumba because his colostomy bag

sprung a leak and it splashed everyone when he was swinging his hips. Your dad's dog died so now he chases the postman instead but the postman just battered him. Your dad didn't suck his thumb as a child, he deep-throated his fist. Your dad did the Instagram which one am I filter and keeps getting nonce regardless of what show it is. Your dad called the hospital staff transphobic because they wouldn't give him a hysterectomy. I don't know what that is. It's when women get their tubes tied.

Oh. That wouldn't have worked if I wasn't so thick. Or the uterus removed or something. It's one of those. You don't know what it's. Your dad forgot to pick you up as a kid

and then had his world greatest dad mug revoked your dad thinks his hair grows because he

waters it every night in the shower your dad is sick of this section of the podcast as well am I

your dad got a door fitted on his bath and sat in the tub all Halloween waiting for kids to knock on it. Your dad carries a condom in his wallet in case he gets into an impromptu water balloon fight. Your dad learned what I love you is in sign language so that he couldn't accidentally say it to your mom when he was gesticulating.

Your dad turned up to his Sunday League football game in a Kobe jersey. Respect. The boy's having a little kick about it. Minutes silence. You know, one of the referees on the old Sunday League football team, one of the referees made him have Sunday League football team one of the referees made we'll have a fucking

minutes sailing for his dog well I'll fuck your stupid honestly just fucking 22 22 Jordy's stuck on the centre circle fucking keeping a laughing

no that didn't happen swear to god for his dog for his dog did For his dog. Did you know the referee? Was it around? It was always the same batch of referees

that would do your thing. It was this lad we called Panther. I don't know why we called him Panther, but he was this fucking weak-jawed motherfucker that just seemed like he was a little bit of a screw loose. He just took a lot of shit out of me. People would give him shit all the time and he would just tech it. No one would get a booking for diss People would give him shit all the time and he would just tech it.

No one would get a booking for Descent. They would just give him shit and he would just tech it all the time. And a grown man... I'm sorry, I'm crying. Sorry, he's going to overwrite. Terrible decisions. A grown man would make other grown men stand in a circle. Swear to fucking God, this isn't the old dad joke.

This is a legit part of my life. That happened fucking... Me and Matty and Brosnan, that just stood around thenan. Roedd hynny'n gwneud i ni ddweud, dyma'r rhai sy'n gwneud hynny. Roedd yna ddwy glas ar y ddwy glas. Ydych chi'n gwneud hynny? Doedd hi ddim hyd yn oed yn ddwy. Mae hi wedi bod yn slyni. it's just been slated

I'm so sorry everyone I just had one of them just one of their neck brace things on lamb shade

cord just to start making stitches oh my well I need a minute well what for this dog

is someone score a goal and dedicate it to the third point up to heaven oh sorry sorry your dad tell me that

in the climax your dad sleeps with the duvet buttons at the top so he can chew on them your dad thinks he's the only person who's referred to Harry and Meghan leaving the royal family as Megxit and chuckles to himself every time he says it. Your dad tried to flick an elastic band at the school teacher but he forgot to let go and pulled himself at Mr Walters instead. There's just nothing I have as good as what you've just said about the dog.

it's just nothing I have is as good as what you've just said about the dog your dad said he knows how to place stairways to heaven and to be fair he does

but next time he needs to do it on a guitar and not a kazoo your dad pretended to bite your mum on the boob

with a haribo jelly snake just so he could suck out the venom sorry have you got a snake one is that a jelly snake yeah your dad ordered a snake bite at the bar sorry have you got a snake one is that a jelly snake yeah your dad ordered

a snake bite at the bar and got bitten by a cobra wow I mean not that good sorry mate

it should be a real not about each other do you know what Bruce and his stag do I'll tell you this way

he fucking his stag do right the fucking animal guy comes and made him do a minute silence for all the where he fucking he's a stag do right the fucking animal guy comes I made him do a minute silence for all the animals

animation team aye he's fucking he's got like a parrot and all that that does some stuff and he's done a couple of tricks already

and then it's the piece de resistance at the end of the show where he gets like the stag to come up and he puts the snake on the stag and he puts it

puts it around Brucey's neck and all that like don't worry he'll not bite you fucking tame snake the fucking snake

just cocked back and just launched itself latched itself out of his bicep and Brucey's just there going I thought you said

it didn't bite calm as you like it's fucking latched on he's like you bloody told me you didn't bite this thing anyway was pampered there

and made everyone have a he's dead that was the last we saw of Brucey he held a minute silence for him at your next Sunday league game

fucking Panther Raids I'm sorry I'm sorry about the end I've just died at that minute silence it was fun

Raids guys I'll see you next time we'll have Danny back on it'll be a proper podcast