Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Squelchy Compressions

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

Muggins and Cream flit between American politics and soiling themselves with bodily fluids. Daniel gets to choose which city in the UK Putin gets to nuke and is spoilt with choice. Natalie works her way around all of Kai's friends in her dream, inadvertently upsetting a few people along the way. #21   Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: thistlysloss10   Join us at Altitude festival for a live podcast in the Alps, 1-5 April 2024. Get discounted festival tickets with your 10% discount code. www.altitudefestival.com Discount Code: mugginsandcream24

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or a magistrate cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? That would be very serious.

Well, I mean, I don't know if you've paid attention, but fucking Scotland's had really shit PR in the last 48 hours. The experience. Natalie showed us that. It shows like someone that runs a business and created something where people are going to come and pay for it. Just like that is the anxiety dream that everybody who creates has.

It's the anxiety dream of it just going that terribly wrong. Well, the important thing to remember is the creator of this, and can you bring up his name? Because I absolutely fucking want to out him. So I think I need a little bit more intel on this. Because I saw the advertising was like this AI-generated Wonka experience artwork. So this guy as well so those of you haven't seen i are to just google willie

wonka glasgow this absolute charlatan whose only job before this was uh getting people to donate christmas toys for a fund and then going away with the toys this is the guy who we're talking about so he's got history and he's a con artist. He's a con artist. He is a con artist through and through. He is a bad, bad, bad, bad man. He is a self-published author on Amazon. Hey, no wrong with that. He hasn't written a single book. It's all AI. Here's the thing about con artists, right?

Is there some con artists who are really, really good at what they do. They trick people in. They find a hole in the fucking system that nobody else has seen, and they get it, and it takes us a while to catch up. This cunt is so dumb, he thought nobody else in the world

has thought of getting AI to write books. Man, everyone's thought about that. We just don't do it because AI isn't good at writing fucking books. You dumb piece of shit. Does he proofread the AI-written books? Nope, nope. give it a go his name is billy cool billy fucking cool billy cool c-o-u-l-l-l okay hi uh he uh uh publishes them and all of the reviews on amazon are ai generated reviews from other accounts that he's done he's just decided that even though ai

has been the number one thing in the news for the past year that he's sneaky and he's smart and he's ahead of the curve right and that's why all the advertising for the willy wonka thing was just horrific spelling mistakes because it was just an ai thing scanning willy wonka stuff putting it in um it's awful like he should be he should absolutely be arrested and jailed for a very very long time like surely he's got um refund are we about to watch this no no this is something else okay uh everyone's everyone's gonna get refunded right like yes it's it's nobody because natalie was saying it was that like it was supposed to be this immersive theater like walking around and take you like it was supposed to be this immersive theatre,

like walking around and take you like half an hour to an hour to complete the thing and people were like through in five minutes. Yeah. What the fuck was that? People, man, what do you remember about Willy Wonka the movie? Rivers of Chocolate. Describe the amount of sweets. Oompa Loompas wearing coconut bras.

How many sweets would you say Willy Wonka is strong with actually? Oh, like hundreds and thousands. Very good.

And also candy canes. Yeah, and abundance. And abundance. Yeah, countless. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. It's made of sweets. Yeah, not one fucking jelly bean per child like you're

straight out of Jack and the Beanstalk, right? So was it like, not even Hansel and Gretel's crib? No, no, man. Not that it was theirs. I mean, I suppose it was after they killed her, they could squat us right.

I feel very sorry for all of the poor actors and actresses who were employed to be the public facing part. She looked mortified. The iconic photo of the miserable looking wife with green hair at the bar. Poor her. She took a job. She was conned as much as the public, but she's now the face of the...

Yeah. Well, to be fair... Because of how gutted she looks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was also because, man, she knew. She knew she's handing out one jelly bean and a half a cup of lemonade to these kids. Was of how gutted she looks. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And that was also because, man, she knew, she knew she's handing out one jelly bean and half a cup of lemonade to these kids. Was that what it was? A jelly bean?

Ah. Per child? A jelly bean per child. A jelly bean? Yes. That wasn't you just doing a like, hyperbole, hyperbole.

A jelly bean per child. What? You get a golden ticket. You get more from the chocolate bar You got the golden ticket in Then you get it from the golden ticket From what I've read and understood Obviously the parents who were absolutely

Rightfully angry were apparently Being decent enough to the Public face of people knowing full well That they've just been employed But it was one of those times Where I go fuck I wish we were french that billy cools all of the actors and actresses all the oompa loompas should have been like by the way he's out the back our employer and he should have they should have gone outside who did he have his

oompa loompas did he get little people no no just regular fucking fucking unit like fucking six foot men yep get them to go at the back Get some fucking Get some nerd rope Wrap it around his fucking neck Throw it over the top of a candy cane And fucking sugary lynch the cunt You want him dead

Absolutely He's a con artist The next thing he's going to do Is just going to be another con Because my worry When I saw how big it had blown up Like I was like Oh someone's going to kill is just going to be another con. Because my worry when I saw how big it had blown up, like, I was like, oh, someone's going to kill this little here. But like, people like that don't. No, they don't. They're con artists. If people who were con artists and got found out being

con artists killed themselves, Donald Trump would not be the Republican frontrunner. Like, he's just, I don i'm gonna make a fucking call right now uh this guy comes out in the next four weeks and claims mental health issues i'm calling it right now he comes out oh i've got learning difficulties it's like well not really considering you can tell he's in your place that's what i want to put trump might kill himself though you've seen that his bond Was about 480 million Dollars Oh yeah if he hung himself he would just fall out of his skin

His skin would be hanging from the noose And he'd just be fucking on the floor Just all fucking flesh and bones And just get up and start going wow Like a chandra I don't know what a chandra is Oh you will You'll find out

It's in Mistborn You're going to find out what a candra is Oh you will You will I will know what a candra is You'll find out It's ominous You'll fucking find out what a candra is It's in Mistborn You're going to find out what a candra is And you're going to be like That was actually a superb reference from Daniel Yeah His lawyers wrote an 1800 page document

On why he should only pay 100 million dollars Because he does not have the money Only 100 This episode is sponsored by Thistley Cross Cider. The best Scottish cider. They don't pay us to say that. If you want to get a 10% discount on any order of Thistley Cross Cider, you can go to

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please do tag us in with your order having a couple of drinking responsibly. And as always, thank you for the support. A million. This election is going to be so fucking interesting because both frontrunners are hugely

like the worst choices either party could come up with. But both sides are doing their best to lose the election.e biden get out of your own way joe biden could end the war in gaza with a phone call just like ronald reagan did in the 60s or 70s when israel was doing something ronald reagan phoned up and went stop that right now and the bomb started flying and ronald reagan famously said to his advisors i didn't know i had that sort of power whether he was being sarcastic or whether it was like a genuine fucking thing for him it's different

Joe Biden can phone on be like because America's the only ally could fucking edit but he's not doing it so he's losing Muslim voters he's losing other people he's losing liberal voters he's losing young people fucking voters which is absolutely insane and Donald Trump the self-made self-made millionaire who is poor as fuck right and it's only getting poorer can't afford any of these things keeping up this fucking image is destroying the republican why he has destroyed the republican party from the 70 percent of americans agree with birth control and a right to access to abortion republicans have are banning ivf because they're saying IVF, those little things, those are human beings. So again, taking IVF away from a country of 300 million people in a first world country is insane.

Like it's just, neither of them are doing good. They're just going, I'm going to do this stupid thing. I'm going to do this stupid thing. I'm going to do this stupid thing. It's like, I think the voter turnout this year is going to be three. think it's just nobody's going to vote for any of these guys and that's the only options you don't have hey um that answers the age-old question of what comes first the chicken or the egg because if an egg is a chicken then the chicken came first yeah yeah according to republicans have figured that one out yeah chicken so now um there's apparently apparently people on

tiktokers saying though that because now the law in some states is stating the ivf are humans that you can claim them as child tax benefits so you can steal money from your local government you can get benefits by having ovaries and because you've produced multiple eggs you could technically claim them all as beneficiaries and make money. Incredible. So then they might actually have to go back on it because it's too big a generalization. Oh, I'm going to lobby for the Republican side and say sperms are people too. Oh, no, I'd get done for murder.

Never mind. Much murder. Zero kill. Well, Natalie's a cannibal Hotel curtains and that He wasn't made I went with a hotel curtain I've never

FYI I've never done that You get points in your licence If you had spunk Touches any of the hotel Oh I've got points Have you? Not intentionally

Oh like The inside of the toilet Doesn't count I think the floor The shower does I've not done that But but I know people have. I've already stood in the shower going, people have spunked on this.

That's what you spunk. Spunk and tissues, put it through the toilet. I'll cut it in the middle, man, if you've got no self-respect, and just fire it straight through the lobby. Like a shite. Right, hold on. Hold on, right.

So I can piss in the shower, but I can't cum in the shower? Aye. What? What do you mean, what? What do you mean, what So I can piss in the shower, but I can't cum in the shower. Aye. What? What do you mean, what? What do you mean, what? Would you piss in the shower? Aye.

Right, but you'll not. Yeah, sometimes you can't help yourself. You're like, oh, here it comes. That's because your fingers up your arse. Especially if you do the, get in when it's cold. The minute it starts turning warm, you're like, oh, gnarly. You'll piss in the shower, but you'll not cum. You not come you're like you're pretty good there's levels to this like spunk is in the same like what you're saying to me i like spunk's in the same category as

is a bodily fluid no no no no no it's not in with snot it says if i sneeze on me i can apologize and get out of it and the apologies kind of fix my friendship with my spunk on you Daniel no but in the sense of like what it does to the train shit

it's not as bad as oh right you know if I stand in shit right I'd be like oh I stand in shit motherfucker if I stand on a Johnny and it splits

and I've got spunk on me foot I'm burning that park to the ground just like clogs up the drain though uh-huh it oh man i know it sets like a fucking boiled egg like when the hot water hits it oh man there's no there's no worse day piss is going straight doing and getting washed away there's no worse day of my fucking uh month than the day that i have to get my fucking marigold gloves out up to the fucking elbows get out cara's hair from the thing while you're spunk dangling off it uh yeah that's that's why according to republican that's

a human being yeah i'm trying to resist one squelchy compressions Every Every Every Every month When I do that When I'm just pulling it out I'm like man You know I get your point I get your point

I'm like man It's way easier If you just did that Down the toilet But what Just before I come I'm going to fucking Waddle

Slowly by the way So I don't slip on the floor And set my neck That's why That's why it's better To be in good shape If you're going to be Doing that stuff

You don't want to Catch that side Long in the mirror You know if you're ripped you've got the reason now that you catch out the mirror it helps you i'm fucking gay for myself yeah um but i piss in the shower is not a thing that just mixes in with the water against in the drain it's gone not a trace maybe it's a trace but not like not like a trace that that they'd find if they'd done a forensics. You're telling me that can't come in the shower. It feels like fucking

I don't know if you had parents. I don't know. You must have. I'm a sentient being. The type of parents that were like you can't put oil down the... Oh yeah I don't do that. I don't. Pour oil down the sink. I don't pour oil down the sink I don't pour oil down the sink

Like if I've ever Deep fried something I put You put it I either put it in Tupperware Or I put it in a Fucking The eco bag

Sort of thing And I put it out with The rest of the The food stuff Which I'm sure is wrong But I don't care But the Little bits can

Little bits can fucking Go down Tell you what I put down the toilet and cut out lenses. No. I used plastics. No. No, that's bad form. They must dissolve.

No, they would dissolve in your eye. That would be stupid. Yeah, wouldn't last the night. So, like, I went to go in the bin. Natalie used to just discard them, like, literally just fucking over our shoulder. I'd wake up and I'd have them, like, crispy fucking things stuck in my leg and that. Oh, yeah, your wife's under the couch, woman, isn't she?

Yeah, but you know what? She's totally changed her ways. She's got a mantra now. She wakes up and she's like, I am committed to a tidy house. She has a little tea caddy, you know, where you put the tea bags on next to her bed for her counter lenses. So that she's got a I am committed to a tidy house. She has a little tea caddy, you know, where you put the tea bags on next to her bed for her contact lenses.

Just so that she's got a place to put them, so she's not just fucking flicking them into the atmosphere. End up in my hair. Just treat them like boogers while you're wiping them on the fucking back of your head.

Because Natalie is so prim and proper to look at that you would think that a house was immaculate. And it is now. It has been for about a month and she keeps on top of it

but our natural disposition is to just leave turbulence and awake well I mean you've seen her house oh she's not as bad as you I explode

in a in rooms also her house is just a fucking it's just the worst house to keep clean it's just the wrong shape And there's not enough

Too many rooms are used for the same thing Like our living room is also Galen's Like playroom And it's attached to the kitchen Because it's open plan And it's just And it's where the cats are And everything like

You've actually had a really tidy house Since I roasted you In your best man speech I'm glad that landed Your house has been Immaculate since then What's because You don't have a bedroom Our bedroom's

Our bedroom's clear At the moment But occasionally I'll go through Massive bouts of Like cleaning and stuff You'll do like Maybe like a deep clean

Oh yeah man I love it If I'm in the Headphones on If I'm in the right Fucking mindset for it It's just super I mean I know Every'm in the right mindset for it it's just super i mean i don't know every parent in the world knows this it's so hard and pointless

to keep your house clean when you've got kids it's true i saw someone ranting on social media the other day just going look why don't i'll just make a deal to keep my house i will have it when we have guests my like you just get it immaculate for me come and run and i come running again he's going like i'll come around and your just get it immaculate for me coming round and I come round and he's going like, I'll come round and your fucking place will be immaculate and I've just got

this misconception that it's like that all the time but you've tainted it because me and my missus have come round and like, and now I go home

thinking, how's our house not like that and then you come to visit us and I make sure it's like that. You think, why don't we just agree to just look at our houses

like it's lived in and we're going to each other's house like that. I do love living in a tidy house so when it's tidy for us not it was like it's lived in in regard to each other's house like that I do love living in a tidy house so when it's tidy for us not our guests

it's the best I look forward I like having a tidy house and I like it being fucking like really

clean and I'm really good at maintaining it for a bit but much like me keeping the house clean is a lot like

me keeping staying in shape which is like when I'm disciplined nothing takes me off the fucking path but then blue and i'm like well might as well crash the whole fucking vehicle yeah but if you're like me as well you'll get to the point where like you're exactly where you want to be you've stuck to the plan with your diet and your workout and all that and you look at yourself and go right done back to the champion the same with tiny in the house you get your house tiny done and you look at yourself and you're like, right, done. Back to the champion. The same with tidying the house. You get your house tidy,

done. And then zero maintenance to keep it where it's meant to be. Also, Natalie sent us the picture of the tour bus going, Carrie just sent us this. It looks fucking amazing.

It looks class. And I was like, I now Photoshop all Danny's stuff out of it. And these hotel rooms. I think that'll be different because... Because you're going to have guests. Oh, and a small living space. Like because Because you're going to have guests Oh and a smaller living space

We're going to have to have like good We're going to have to have good systems in place Also I'm not as bad with Hotels now Ever since like the I think it was like the Germany stuff tour last year I was like you know what

I'm actually going to separate my fucking bag Because I didn't like the fucking morning routine of just cramming, you know what, I'm actually going to separate the fucking bag because I didn't like the fucking morning routine of just cramming everything in. I was like, I'm actually going to do it. And also, man, fucking drunk me. There's really sound sometimes. When drunk high you has got everything packed for the flight in the morning. Fucking drunk high me will

sometimes... Everything charged. Oh, he'll charge everything. He'll fold things that don't need to be folded you've only left out the toiletries that you're going to need like your toothbrush

and that everything else is tucked away oh he fucking he brushes my teeth so good drunk me drunk me brushes

my teeth better than sober me sober me gets bored when it's drunk me just goes do you ever get to the end of the

the toothbrush is automatic you know right I don't know if yours is the same as mine I've had a Philips one and a Braun one, and they've both been very similar. And that, like, it'll do 30 seconds

and then give you, like, a buzz to change the part of your mouth, the quarter of the mouth that you're doing. And then on the fourth buzz, after the fourth lot, it'll go, and then that's you done. Yeah.

I never reach that. Oh, really? Never, ever never ever like i reach the second buzz sometimes i'll do i'll do the bottom teeth and then get the buzz and then do the top teeth i'm fucking i'm not doing quarters like me i've quarters twice a day that's me absolutely oh and That is me Oh and then also So it's quarter Quarter Quarter Quarter Floss Everywhere And then also the little fucking

Intradental brushes Intradental things In the back ones Yeah I've just started with them It only fits in these Four teeth So it doesn't fit in the rest Different sizes

You can get down to two Yeah I've got the second lowest size And I can only do the front bottom Oh You don't need to do these ones you just do those ones with actual fucking floss

and it's the back ones that you need for those and then even after all that because once I've got once I feel like I floss I feel like any extra gunk's come out I wish you could have

like zips on your cheeks and just like get right in there oh that would be good maybe that's what the joker was doing just trying to brush his teeth just hygiene good hygiene

very conscientious Maybe all those people That did the fucking You know the The Glasgow kiss You know that They're just making it easy For you to brush your teeth

Yeah they're actually very thoughtful You should be grateful Still the reason they're kissing you Is because they know Your teeth's going to be clean So I think we can't let Glasgow kiss us So after I've done

All that Glasgow smile Chelsea smile isn't it Glasgow kisses the head bud Glasgow kisses the head But Glasgow Glasgow smile Is actually And I'm sure I've done all that Glasgow Smile Chelsea Smile isn't it Glasgow Kisses Ahead but Glasgow Kisses Ahead but Glasgow Smile is actually

and I'm sure I've told this on podcasts but this was the thing that gangsters Glasgow gangsters used to do back in the day which was one of the worst don't get me wrong

it's not as bad as like the fucking Mexican cartel shit you hear but like the Glasgow version of it they would get a credit card and on like

either side of the fucking thin credit card they would put two razors so they would essentially like a millimetre apart, a card's thickness apart because if you cut someone's cheeks with just a fucking razor that's actually really easy to stitch back together and fucking heal but if you make it

if you do this and you basically gouge out a fucking bit there you're leaving them with permanent scars for the rest of their fucking lives aye. And then you give them some salt and vinegar crisps. Yeah. After I care. So even after I've done all my flossing, I will do another

short two bars run around of the mouth with Here's another observation I've made of my toothbrush. It's passed us by for however long I've had electric toothbrushes right it's like It's passed us by For however long I've had electric toothbrushes Right but

So you turn it on And it's buzzing And then there's Two more settings That you have to rotate through To turn it off You have to go The one where

It does light out Which I guess is if you've got Sensitive gums or something Or like It's a bit too much for you To have you on That was for cleaning the toilet For cleaning the toilet

Yeah And then there's the next setting, which I always just brush past, pardon the pun, but I stopped and I go, what the fuck is that extra setting that I'm going past here? And I stopped on it

and it was a dildo setting. It was like, bzz, bzz, bzz, bzz. It's all, bzz, bzz, bzz. It's like, who's using this on a clit? It's the toothbrush equivalent

of the third setting of Christmas lights. You want to use it? Who's this for? Nobody's ever used this. Why are you giving us this fucking, like, really random setting? Is that, like, one tooth pair? So you just do one?

And then on your next tooth, like, who's doing that? It's an absolute dildo setting. My toothbrush identifies as a dildo, just be who you want to be, little guy. First of all, look,

I don't use dildos. I mean, I have used them. You use them on people? I've used dildos on people. Wield them. Aye. Dual wield.

I don't know why there's other sayings. Like, I don't know if women's, they're all different, Daniel. I know women's cums are different from fucking men's cums, but nothing would be more frustrating for me getting a fucking handjob

than halfway through the person giving me a handjob changing up tempos. I'm like, it's consistency. Handjobs are fucking consistency. Same thing. Don't go... Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Same thing Don't go I'm like

I'm not totally I'm not totally against that You can do that if you want Back on Edging you a little bit No I've no patience for edging Rattle it out

I know Just fucking rattle it out What are you playing at? Matt we've got five minutes The kids to sleep Fucking Who's this for Because it's not me

Where it's like With I've always noticed In the settings Of fucking vibrators Like they proper Like mix it up Maybe that's good

Or maybe that's just Maybe that's what It's just like Being fucked by a bloke Which is It's fast for 20 seconds And it's like Don't move

Don't move Don't move Slow Slow Maybe that's just The ultra realistic setting Yeah when you just Stop for a bit Has it run out of

Stuff for a bit Buy some time Buy Still does buy in time It's gonna come Can we change positions What were you gonna Show us here I'll just put it on Can we change positions? What were you going to show us here?

I'll just put it on, but like, just, it's just a little gist. So there's a prompt at the bottom, which is describing what it is. But all of these videos are completely generated by an AI. Okay, this isn't real. I mean, that was a dog being a cat. That's not real. That's got to be real. That's got to be real. But not animated.

You just give it the text. Oh, so they've just... Oh, this is pretty good. That's just... Nobody created that in a computer program or used footage of an actual lizard? That dog isn't actually taking a selfie with a selfie stick? Well, the selfie camera's in its body.

Yeah. That's not the... That seagull was pretty close there without the dog going nuts. Like, if a seagull went that close to the dog... This one's probably the best. I get it. I fucking guarantee in both the Tory party and the Republican party there is, and in Argentina and fucking Brazil and in Russia and all these fucking super corrupt parts of the world,

they are looking at this and they're like, right, Joe Biden, fingers, an altar boy, in the fucking White House fucking green room. And they're just typing Joe Biden and the rest of it already comes up as a prompt because that many people have typed it in. Yeah, so they're not releasing it yet. They're just showing examples, but they're planning to release it next year.

And people are like, that's the end of internet as a form of news. Yeah. Well, no, it won't be. It'll just be the end of democracy. Chaos ensues. Yeah. Is that Willy Wonka Land that I'm looking at there?

That's just a news show. Did you see, because it was written by an AI, there was a made-up character that isn't in the books called, like, the Shadow Man or something. It was just a bloke in, like, a default Halloween costume behind a mirror, just because the AI was told to write a script about Willy Wonka. It doesn't know what Willy Wonka is, so it just

made up a villain. So how many guys did they hire? How many staff was there working on this place? The Shadow Man and the Oompa Loompas. There were three Wonkas. That's too too many Wonkas, I think. You just need one Wonka. I was saying that if you're going to be doing like Yeah, yeah. So the plan

was to rotate Rotate them around Like somebody takes One group in And then once that group's Halfway through A second Wonka Takes the second group in So they missed

It was supposed to be like Immersive theatre Like what they'll have At university University studios Oh my god Universal Wow

Aye that's it For our last one Aye Deepest Deepest fucking sympathy She's giving me jelly beans And that's it for our last one. Aye. Deepest, deepest fucking sympathy. She's giving me jelly beans. And that's the guy behind the mirror. Oh, this is... Get him fucking jailed, man.

Get Billy Cools behind fucking... Because he's just going to do it again. He's just going to find... It's going to be another AI scam in fucking three fucking... That's all he's got. He doesn't have any talent. What was it for a for a ticket 45 45 quid hi shush now per per child and adult no i'm pretty sure it was like four that 45 so if you want to take if you wanted

to take oh it was a hundred quid for a family family family of three or four yeah wow and uh he was nowhere to be seen he just took the ticket money and let them do it no man he wasn't there like facing the media and that I got

Billy Cools is at home right now and instead of hiring a fucking lawyer he's just typed what would a lawyer say into chat GBT and he's like my lawyer has suggested that

and then just fucking a no fielding routine. I'm surprised there wasn't queues around the block for it just because of how the internet is. What, no? Just the fact that people are going to it just to say that they've been and all that sort of stuff.

What's that? It makes direct fucking... Fucking... Fucking bull from a man who can't win a war against... Yeah, it's like the 20th time in the last week Makes direct fucking nuke. Fucking. Fucking bull from a man who can't win a war against Ukraine. Yeah, it's like the 20th time in the last week he said he's going to nuke people if we send troops to Ukraine. Fucking, man, we've seen how shit your fucking army is. Right. We're going to get nuked, right?

The British Isles are going to get nuked. But for some reason you get a phone call. I get to pick? And you have to pick somewhere. Oh, okay. How get nuked. Right. But for some reason, you get a phone call. I get to pick? And you have to pick somewhere. Oh, okay. How many nukes do I get? Is it one?

You get one nuke. Fuck. Okay. Okay. It's not going to be London. Nah. You'd lose a lot of friends if you nuked London. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the infrastructure of the country would arguably be fucking bottom You'd lose a lot of friends If you nuked London Yeah And the infrastructure of the country

Would arguably Fucking And a lot of good people Bottomed Obviously a very My My My

Fake Swansea Because I've got points pending Fucking yeah Swansea Can I lose my licence I don't have points It would be

Fuck Let me get Let me get a map of the UK up And I'll tell you where we're bombing And what's the Can I ask the size of the nook? How much am I getting rid of? What's the

What's the fallout zone? You're taking out city Unless you're picking like London or Birmingham Where you're taking out a district Okay Right Oh I mean it is going to be near London I feel Birmingham where you're taking out the district. Okay. Right. Oh, I mean, it is going to be near London. I feel like I'm looking for middle,

or maybe not. I'm looking for like middle England. Are you looking for the next bridge? Tory voting. No, no. Where are we going? Peterborough doesn't need to be there. So what are you looking for? Like Henley-on-Thames or something

Cambridge Cambridge I'm just there Coventry could go Quite comfortably I didn't think that would make the news Nah I think just dumping in the water

Even though we were just there And I loved the crowd and stuff but obviously anyone who comes to see me is saying but that doesn't mean the rest of your I mean you could do Sheffield I don't know you know what though it's like I've got a soft spot for

Sheffield it's like an industrial working class city that's like lost its industry a little bit I don't think they're for my glory aren't they Working class city That's like Lost it's industry A little bit I don't think They're They're for my glory Aren't they Yeah Tell you what

What could Nuke Manchester Like and just put Newcastle through To the semi-finals Oh Manchester Could go Just make the Premier League

A bit more interesting You know Oh Yeah Manchester's Not a bad shout You're not Nuke in Manchester I might

Nah you're not Why? Yes I've got friends there Yes it's one of my favourite places In the UK to kick We'll work there a lot They've got Right

Yeah but maybe I can do it Maybe I can do it Alright Manchester's alright The people we know in Manchester Are alright I'm glad you're not saying Liverpool Because I know we're like Hanging shit on Liverpool

But you didn't want to I'm not looking at Liverpool That's like you'll fight With your siblings in that land but you didn't want to you know I'm not looking at Liverpool that's like you'll fight you'll fight with your siblings and that lad but you didn't want them to get you off your bully oh I'm so sorry

Blackpool we're eradicating Blackpool uh huh yeah Blackpool's fucking gone yeah because here's the thing in Manchester if I were to actually

nuke Manchester I would be spending the day before making a lot of phone calls to people in Manchester being like hey you're sound I'd be IRAing it just making a lot of phone calls to people in Manchester being like, hey, your sound. I'd be IRAing it.

Just to let you know, to half the population, Blackpool, I'm like, let's go now. Ah, yeah. We are losing. I should have done this myself years ago. Yeah, we are losing nothing, nothing if Blackpool goes. Do you think you would have, if you were born and raised in the 70s, do you think you would have spent that 80s, 90s, like, getting doing on the buses to Blackpool for a night out?

For a night out? You know, when it was, like, thriving. That was, like, on a weekend, like, people from Newcastle, Edinburgh. That's how Skag Boys starts, is the trip to Blackpool from Glasgow. Ed Leif, isn't it? From Edinburgh. But, like, Blackpool was a proper hot spot't it From Edinburgh But like Blackpool Was a proper

Hot spot in the UK That was like A horrible But like Can you imagine Like all the smoking And doors That would have been

Fucking stinking Yeah Just like the women I don't think You don't think You'd be part of that Nah That's more for my people I don't think That was for think you'd be part of that nah that's more for my people

don't think that was for you all you joined for my privilege that one yeah you would have got the black pool

you would have nuked it then all the work all the world's graft us having a nice time you're like fucking

aye aye I know they're fucking voting for can you crack us another one of these please Matthew

A wonderful Thistley Cross Natalie had a A dream that she had in a fair With loads of me friends I bet you I didn't make the cut Yeah you didn't Because it'd be a nightmare She had a fair with Barry

Barry Barry Oh aye She was saying like In her dream Helen got mad at her And she was so baffled In her dream Just going eh

I'm helping I'm helping you with Barry You don't want Barry to be happy He's more than a handful Yeah I thought you loved him Smiley I was tying my shoes He said while you're down there

What am I meant to do Just for reference This is the funniest thing That's ever happened Barry Castanola very not only a very funny comedian

but one of the funniest people I know in my actual life funniest man in the person funniest man in the WhatsApp he's a wonderful director

he's a wonderful producer he is an excellent writer he's a man of multi-talents good lover he's so yeah yeah

oh man I've no doubt a monster on the set oh yeah an absolute gun gun to you oh yeah yeah yeah draft one pick if you're going out to the set yeah it's fucking barry every single time uh he's got this thing of just saying while you're down there if you try to tie your shoes you bend over while you're down there obviously meaning while you're down there give me give me a blowjob or give me kind of like if you're down there, if you tie your shoes, you bend over while you're down there, obviously, while you're down there, give me a blowjob, or give me a cuddle like this,

if you're a fucking lady. He could say it, either way, his missus was giving him hate, and he said, while you're down there doing it, which to me is still the funniest. While you're down there doing a blowjob,

it's the funniest, it's the funniest thing to say. Top, top funniest thing to say. Top funniest thing to say. Well, they're doing a blowjob. Just as Dean is late. Oh, so good. So who else did you bang? No, who else did your wife bang?

I'll get rid of it. I just had a moment where Peggy was barking when I was shagging the other day and afterwards I just stopped and went Natalie I think is that you barking I took it

sorry is that what you think doggy style is is that you barking there that was Peggy yeah fuck you the

it felt like you were fucking a baby DMX just because not because you're a peanut pop just because your dog's bark's not a real bark It felt like you were fucking a baby DMX. Not because you're a Peter Pup, just because your dog's bark's not a real bark. Oh, yeah. That's what I meant.

Matty. She banged Matty. She banged Matty, right? And she, in the dream, broke up with Matty saying that she was going to stay with me. And Matty went, going back with a flatmate, are you? In that dream? In that dream?

In that dream? Natalie went, going back with your flatmate? She cooked that up? That's in her psyche? Roomie? So that was Natalie's dream I always have fucking dreams And I think they're like anxiety dreams

And it's It's never that I'm cheating It's that I've cheated That was what she was saying about her dream They weren't sex dreams It was just this awareness that that was happening But without it happening she did. Uh-huh. Right? That was what she was saying about her dream. It wasn't, they weren't sex dreams. Aye. It was just this awareness that that was happening.

Yeah. But without it happening. Aye. My thing is, it's just robbery. You don't get to shag people but you just get to deal with the consequences.

Bollocks. Oh no, I'm really glad that Dream Me doesn't, as frustrating as it is in like some dreams where you're trying to get

fucking laid and you can't get laid, it's disappointing to not get the fucking freebie free sex dream i don't want to wake up on a pile of my own cum no no no you're just flinging it around hotels well you know what's the difference you know like it contained it is like it's spraying everywhere oh yeah sorry just to clarify that i've come on other things in hotel rooms i just made that there's definitely been a time, I believe I was in either fucking Dublin or Belfast, and I know it's offensive to get those mixed up.

But I think it was the same chain. Anyway, I was having a wank, and it clearly been a while since I'd had a fucking wank, because like it went, I was on my back, and it fucking went over like over the fucking top man it was like

man you know Free Willy right it was that with my cum and I could oh trying to fucking catch it skimming my fingers

it was fucking eh bro and then after that I because my big I've said this before. Do you reckon you could, like, fire it up and catch it in your mouth?

It depends how long. I'm not a particularly fucking... I'm not slinging ropes. I'm not Spider-Man over here. Right. But... Do you think you could get it in your own mouth, one shot, one kill?

Like, you can do whatever you want. You can even, like, body posture, like, so gravity was just helping you. Could you get it in your mouth from your cock, one shot, one kill like you can do whatever you want you can even like body posture like like so gravity was helping you could you get it in your mouth from your cock one shot one kill yeah yeah definitely yeah fiverr it's new special we're recording a special man i can't imagine how much money i would fucking make if i were to release a video of me coming in my own mouth on OnlyFans. And only 15% of the purchasers would be people doing it for sexual reasons. Less than that.

Like, I reckon zero. Excuse me. No one's getting off on each other in the old days. There are plenty of poofs out there who fancy me. I don't think they want to see that. I just want Darcy Michael. Let's find out. I don't think they want to see that.

I just want Darcy Michael. Let's find out. Like, I'm straight, but I didn't think I'd get off on watching The Last Squirt in Her Own Mouth. I'd definitely look. Oh, yeah. Like, I'd 100% watch. I think I'm wanking over that.

I'm just watching. Like, I developed the ability to raise one eyebrow. You know, see the videos of the girls that can lick their own fannies? That wouldn't do it for you. ability to raise one eyebrow you know see the videos of the girls they can like their own fannies mmm that wouldn't do for you would put us off mmm they go lickin a funny great girl I didn't think that would think the back up to the back up she went with the back if she went with the back it'd look like I was funny

aye aye I'm in I'm in a contortionist aye nice thanks I like that

oh no I I the ultimate hypocrisy of my life is the fact that if my cum touches me in any way

It ruins my whole fucking day It ruins my whole fucking day I'm like that's just gross I fucking hate it But If Cara were to be like Do you want to cum on my tits I'm like this is the greatest tits of my life

This is Every single tits 100% As much as I love Caelan And my son is brilliant Fucking I'd lose

Loads of babies On them They never ask you to take that though do they my son is brilliant fucking I'd lose loads of babies on them they never ask you to take that load do they will you will you come on me tits oh I mean

I don't think I don't think Natalie's ever asked us early doors they do it's easier to get forgiveness and permission that's such a horrible sentence in that

it's such a actually cut that no no leave it This is who he is After one cider Just for that we listen to this That would turn me on so much Asked for me spunk to hit her

Oh yeah absolutely But there would be A little bit of like What's she up to What's she done She been shagging Barry There's I don't think I'm going to get to

Come on Cara for a very long time She's baby she wants baby She wants baby there's no Like me coming on Cara's tits Would be the equivalent Of like Putting a fucking Three course meal

Into a bin for her It's wasted Aye Aye It's just not on for her At the moment No Possibly

Actually that would probably Work in my favour I think the other way around Yeah aye Aye Nah I don't I don't want Spock touching this So I get it Aye Like I didn't want I didn't want Spock touching this So I get it

Aye Like I wouldn't expect Natalie To take a load of the face Cause I wanted that Aye When

I couldn't I couldn't reciprocate No but if That's it though If either of them were squirters I'd stay down there And not give a fucking shit Fucking

I've been on log flumes I'm like I'm all right I would also like hard trade stuff that I didn't want to do to get that like what like I don't want to be pissed on but if your trade was like all right you just me face is back and piss on you 100 I'd be feeding her asparagus you know what else I think my lass doesn't know she could get me to do practically anything with the promise

of a blowjob 100% like she could she could be like will you paint the garden fence and I'll suck your cock after even though she gives me blowjobs

no so they still happen without me painting the fence I think being bossed around to get your dick sucked is a turn on

I have no problem with fucking blow jobs being treated like Scooby Snacks like Cara just being like

you need to phone the bank to sort out the mortgage payments that hasn't gone through

Cara you know how much I fucking hate being on phones I'd rather not do it you sure

I'll suck your dick What was the number What was the number Aye I've already ragged them Ragged them twice Ragged them twice yesterday Which is a shame

Because I don't think Because here's the thing Right First of all Even I don't think I could talk Cara to doing anything About promising her

Like a And that's because Oh yeah aye And it's obviously Take the pin to it And I'll lick your fanny Well she'd be like Do you know what I think

I could get you to lick my fanny on a webman? That's the difference. Make me fun, I'll get you a blowjob. That's it. Honestly, I'm at her mercy at that. And I don't even think she knows it. There you go.

I hope she listens. I'm going to inbox her this episode. I might encourage Karen for this to be her this episode I may encourage Carla to this to be the only episode that she's ever listened to sellotape the headphones to my head and the next thing you know

you see me painting a fence don't you guys can't you I'm painting the fence I've just done it do you not like the colour

I've just done it Do you not like the colour of that bit to me? I buy stocks in Bain-Culick It's the last I see on this podcast Right, what's your fucking Oh, pens Aye I saw real life pens What?

I saw real life pens penalties Oh? I saw real life pens penalties. Oh right. You know what pens are? We all know what pens are and the two most famous types of pens are... For the old John Hancock. Uh huh. And two, animal pens. Penitentiaries?

That's not what pen stands for! Hmm, so I just call in the pen When you go to Yeah that's what that is But penitentiaries do But when animals are in pens That's got to mean penitentiary Really? It's got to

I mean that does make sense But I guess I'd never made I mean I don't know for certain But like I'm safe assumption that Penitentiary's an enclosure It's an enclosure God that does make sense

I can't believe I'm not And I'm the smart one We're both the dumb ones Yeah because we've got to bear in mind The listeners also in this relationship We're the dumb ones There you know Oh there's a genuine question

For the listeners Right No hard feelings I'll do my best not to take it personally Whether it's in the Fucking discord Whether it's Via email Who do you think

Is smarter Out of me and Kai And you Do you think you're Smarter than us Oh that's a great way Put us in order Of smartness

Like we're gonna be like Me then you then Daniel Yeah Send us through Either you personally Whether you think You're smarter than both of us Or only smarter than one of us Whether you think You're dumber than The pair you personally, whether you think you're smarter than both of us or only smarter than one of us,

whether you think you're dumber than the pair of us, or whether you think our audience is smarter than we are, dumber than we are. So how do you even measure intelligence in that way? Because knowledge retention, if you look at an example, our friend Ryan Cullen has such a big grasp of knowledge of football,

who's signed for who, at what price, what position they're played. His memory of football is good. But when he talks to the jolly lads who've played football all their life, who've got a football intelligence of how it's played, he would seem more intelligent In a conversation in the pub But he wouldn't be as intelligent on football As someone like Grassy So

So like Knowledge and application of knowledge Yeah Knowledge, application of knowledge And also we've got to be very fair here Just like It doesn't necessarily mean educated smart there are different types of whether it's and by educated i mean we i think we should include self-education as education but

it i guess it's just not fucking seen that way but like i there are people who went to university who i know who were dumber than people who left high school and then just spent the rest of their life teaching themselves things and keeping up to date on politics and world stuff and reading books on fucking the economy and stuff. So obviously actual education in schools does not. And then you have emotional intelligence. Which the thickest current in the world can be the most compassionate. I'm emotionally intelligent intelligent Emotionally intelligent

You think so Absolutely I agree that I don't think my application of it all the time is good Mind you, here's the thing You and Kana and my family Especially you, you all see The anger in me that I never actually

Apply to the world like you've seen me wish death on almost every person we've ever walked past because of some small infraction that I perceived to be against me I've never actually said it I've also seen you be super polite to everybody that works in the service industry yeah right so just in case anyone's watching. Emotionally intelligent. Socially aware. But yeah, I mean, like, I certainly have, like, I think the reason I am emotionally intelligent is because, like, I'm very aware that the anger I have inside of me

for things is really fucking ridiculous and stupid. And that's why I let it out to close friends, because they know it doesn't fucking mean anything. I just need to rant sometimes. Like for some reason that is just my letting off steam is just, and you're good at knowing it, Cara's good at knowing it, Marlena is now very good at knowing it, which is sometimes she's just like, are you just doing this because you need to? I'm like, yep. Like I just, I'm angry at the world and I don't want to yell at anyone who doesn't know me. Like, you know me and you know that this yelling is,

even though it's definitely to you. This is me yelling at the universe. The catharsis. It's the catharsis. Like, I was kicking off to you about the PC. PC's been shite. Just going, oh, you've got the Steam Deck which you can go

into desktop mode but now you have to download Prince of Persia from Epic Games and then you have to log in even though I don't want to play it online I have to log in to Epic Games

it's not letting us log in I'm just like just give us a fucking computer where you can play the fucking game that you purchased as soon as you've got it and like be super smart

so that you can get to the back door of every game and change the fucking swords for dildos or whatever the fuck it is that you want to do with the game and I'm having that you can get into the back door of every game and change the fucking swords for dildos or whatever the fuck it is that you want to do with a game

and I'm having that rant to you in the hotel lobby and the rant was really I haven't been able to figure this out instead of admitting that I'm thick as fuck

I'm going to get mad at the system we'd been using schnooze and now I'm on fucking nicotine withdrawal because we're not using it I just want to rant about this

and bless Gordon and Matt Reid trying to change the subject because it looked like we were falling out oh yeah because you were defending the steam deck because i'm just like man you're you're also like oh kai's on one here i'm gonna fuel this and see what else he comes up with in this rant and you want some sometimes you want the combat sometimes you want the you're Sometimes you want the, you're like, I need to fucking. You hold the pads for us. Yeah, yeah. I need to spar here.

This is in me. I get that with dad all the time. Yes, please. At family gatherings, me and dad will argue about some fucking nightmare sometimes. You're the one in the situation changing the subject. We're happy to like sit in a corner and do it. Yeah.

We'll get loud and stuff, but it is like just. Oh, I do it performatively when there's other stuff but it is like just oh i don't even know if there's other people there mental jousting yeah oh dad dad comes from a family

uh because kim's the my dad's sister is the exact same weirdly enough i don't think sandra's the same at all his other sister it's a bit less grand definitely not

grant an innocent victim and all of it um because you know all right fair enough grand loves to argue as well Alright Well because I'm

The golden boy Is this your gran Who I knocked on with I wouldn't Nice Hi Jen Granny Jenny

Soft lips Aye Which ones I do think There was an R. Kelly line That was Kiss the Lips Beneath a Navel

Oh What creepy line Navel Man so Last night I was playing Pal World With me

To The two alleys My gaming buddies My friends from fucking high school And stuff In Big Alley I was fucking Crying with laughter

Just I don't know why it got into his head but he's like we were talking about R. Kelly because he was like you should do a podcast where you just go to jails and interview celebrities that are in jail and I'm like man you know I can't hide my fucking disdain for anyone like I don't think I'm going to do that. That's a Jamali

Maddox podcast, that's journalism you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah excellent fucking shout uh he was like do you remember the R. Kelly gig in Africa where he was just hitting on women being like do you have your passport have you been tested for AIDS but singing it but have you seen this no oh I I had completely forgotten about it because R. Kelly doing what R Kelly was doing in fucking plain sight for years and years and years. Me ma loved him. Linda Humphries Gashpin for R Kelly.

Here we go. The video's called R Kelly recruiting girls in Ethiopia. You want to see it? Oh no, the headphones. You want to... Oh, no, the headphones. I got it. Can I say this one? It's like a South Park episode. South Park.. Passport. Did he get your shots?

Come back to America. And he means inoculations. He doesn't mean like, are you drunk? He's realised that if I was to just say this to an audience member, people would be like, whoa, that's a bit creepy, but he's like, I'm the greatest singer of a generation.

Click. Back with Rob to America. This is a new feel for you? Back in Singers. Back in Singers went wrong with me Imagine that conversation Imagine the fucking pips were there Sing it

Or none of yous Are coming back to America How about that I've got your passports I've got your passports You want your passports back You sing that It's so

Have you had your shots I can't stop singing that song It's been in my head all day Just like while Cara's cooking her son breakfast I'm just like Do you have your best boy? Have you had your shots? Do you want to come back?

Do you want to come with Dan back To America? America Just me in the back. America! Oh, my God. He's the best. Why is he in jail?

He's in prison. I know! It's fucking... Is this some banter? Openly grooming in Ethiopia is just that's a low for R. Kelly that

people are complex aren't they don't judge a book by its cover yeah he also did that loony tunes thing called again so he does some good stuff Don't judge a book by its cover Yeah, yeah, yeah He also did One of that Looney Tunes thing Called again

So he did some good stuff Space jelly Is the called in America Space jam Yeah Oh Took me way too long There, yeah

Yeah Only fair enough So I saw over your life pens Oh yeah, sorry Way too long there, yeah. Only fair enough. So, I saw of your life pens. Oh, yeah, sorry. That's another thing with pens as well. Penalties, penalties. I've always had this bit of writing in my head that I never think is going to be funny as a tweet or as a joke,

but it's there, and I just don't know what to do with it as a thought. You get a typecast person that I'll absolutely hate on anybody that shortens a word, like, you know, Riz. Like, you know, if somebody says Riz for charisma, you know, you're going to get a, let's say, Mark Nelson,

who's like, ugh, just staying at Riz. You know, if you said Tote's Emotion in front of Mark Nelson, you know, like a bloke. He would get Tote's Emotion. He'd get Tote's Emotion with that. But like, in the same breath,

he'll look at a guy and, Penref! Like, both of those Abbreviations dog Yeah so for For Americans Pens is penalties It's PKs

I saw real life PKs Referee that's a penalty kick Oh you don't get soccer I'm sorry it's not for you You don't get to have it. Enjoy the NFL. You're really good at it and you can have it

and you can say your stupid shit. It's like you're thinking about being bad at swearing. You kind of enjoy football in the same way if you kind of swear, right? No, no. It's where you put your anger.

Get better at anger. If you cannot call the referee a fucking fat wanker regardless of the fact that he's ran more in the space of 45 minutes than you have in the past. You've masturbated yourself in your own time, sir. It's kind of a wanker. You're a real jerk-off.

I put it online as well because I managed to get a hold of a ticket, but Natalie wanted to come. And I put out saying like, you know, if you put something like, I need a ticket for the game in Blackburn tomorrow, right? Looks like you're running an event. Algorithm fucks you. So you put like a ticket event,

like ticket place, date, or whatever. Nobody's going to see that. But if you make it a joke, then they'll get enough laugh emojis that it'll start circulating. There'll be people that need to see it so that they can get a ticket. I didn't know that was the case for a good reason.

Right, so it's just smart. It's just like, and if anyone can get us a ticket, Natalie will give you a peek of a minge. Just to make it funny, make people laugh at it. It funded a person that had a ticket and i got a ticket and um natalie didn't know i'd posted that and got a message off one of our customers

just saying oh my god absolutely hell in a guy's post and she was like what is it and then uh forwarded it as a message off a friend of hers who'd sent it but the text come along with it going oh oh my God, poor Natalie. I would be so mortified if my husband did this. Natalie's reading it down. Pity it's Teresa, I got a ticket. Yeah, yeah. Also, I've been with the cunt for seven years.

He's a comedian. He's fucking offended by what he's saying. She got a ticket though, incredibly quick. Not a bit. Still not good at my word, though. Not good at my word. Ah, village. Snake with tits.

Snake with cracked tits. So we went. We ended up with a good seat because lad who Sorted Natalie with a ticket Swapped mine Swapped mine for his So that we got to sit together And were right behind the goal Which made it quite difficult

To see what was going on On the other side of the pitch You know the goalkeeper Has eye view of the game Like there's a lot of shit Going on down there But your depth perception Is gone by that distance

So you're not aware of tactics or anything like that. You're just like... Confidently yelling offside. Yeah. Slagging the ref off. You're fucking joking, aren't you? That was in. So it meant it like,

when we're playing in their half, like it meant it a bit tricky, but the action areas around the goal, we saw the goal like from like, as far as Matthew sat away from us. And then the penalties ended up in their half like it made it a bit tricky but the action areas around the goal we saw the goal like from like as far as Matthews sat away from us and then the penalties ended up in that half and like I've I've been to a million games I've never seen penalties before like I've only ever seen penalties like in the pub or on my iPad or like watching it from afar to be there like physically fucking feeling that emotion and seeing it like right in front here what an amazing life experience that was like absolute didn't even memories it was on me radars me but a bucket list thing but it's not something you can try

to achieve really it's just something that might happen to happen you couldn't plan to go see penalties you couldn't plan to see penalties given the option you'd say no absolutely I would have took a goal at any point in extra time as a scotland fan we've never lost a penalty shootout in our fucking lives and i'm uh i'm one for one in real life i'm watching penalty shootouts so as a football fan yeah um oh my god the fucking nerves are insane what like to just go and write like just this is how I feel don't even try and deny it like just accept it this is how you feel what a thrill that was

absolutely mint and you act away again should be beating Blackburn easily in 90 minutes we should be smashing them here's a controversial fucking football opinion I think we should suck it up and do what the Yanks do when it comes to NFL and basketball,

which is nobody likes to draw, right? I'm not saying extra time every game, but in the fucking Premier League, 90 minutes, whatever added time there is, and then after that, it's penalties. Because here's the thing,

people will still play for, small teams will still play for a fucking draw. So that they can play the lottery. So they could maybe fucking win. And then... Never leave it to the judges. Yeah, absolutely. Man, it would make every nil-nil finally fucking interesting.

You wouldn't feel absolutely robbed of 95 minutes of your time. I'd vote against that only to make the penalty situation like quite exclusive you don't want that to be common you don't want that to be a common event I think that is like a rarity it makes it a treat when it happens I don't know man I just

I do love a penalty shootout like when I'm not in one like normally I'd be like I'd like if there's a cup final with two teams I don't have a horse in the race I take penalties every time my own team in it

I fancy me chances I do wish they'd bring back Golden Goal that was fun for those who don't know in football what used to happen was if it was a draw at the end in 90 minutes That was fun For those who don't know In football What used to happen was If it was a draw at the end In 90 minutes They added two

Next goal the winner So next goal Schoolyard Oh Schoolyard So good What a fun fucking role I can't remember what tournament it was

But they played silver goal Which was golden goal But not as good If you score In the first half of extra time And it gets to Half time That's it

Oh okay So you've still got to Play on for the remainder Of that half But you could finish it early By getting the goal early No Not for you

Not stinky poo poo Who's that for Not for me Not for anyone Not for the players Not for the fans I mean I've said it before And I've said it again

Are we Yeah I'm sweet I do think I've said it before And I've said it again Are we Yeah Let me just Let me just wait I do think I've said it before I've said it fucking again Premier League

World Cup Whatever it is 0-0 draws Right back out Right back out Oh yeah No fucking break Straight back out

Do the entire fucking I don't care how fucking tired you are I don't give a fuck how tired you are People travelled seven hours To watch this fucking game They're tired Aye So fucking Do it again Score Oh you people travelled seven hours to watch this fucking game they're tired aye so fucking

do it again score oh you're knackered good maybe this next game will be 5-4 then try fucking harder stop playing so defensively

the period you fucking losers I don't know the 1.4 draw thing does make the league interesting though the claim the long haul of it

short term I get short term you want the fucking you want the answer but like long term the points on the board thing before we

fuck off for the end of this podcast to go and do some thank yous and we are when is this coming out? Monday

right it's a public episode right great so after this it will be Greece can't imagine we've got too many fucking

listeners we're going to be in Athens in Athens on the Friday then Istanbul which I keep saying Istanbul and I don't know

where that came from I accidentally kept saying Istanbul and I just took your word for it it was Instagram Instagram but it's Istanbul yeah because Natalie's correct I accidentally kept saying Istanbul on my face. I just took your word for it. Instagram. Instagram, yeah. But it's Istanbul.

Yeah, because Natalie's corrected us a few times for saying it. Istanbul. And I'm like, you know what I meant? I am... It's been unnecessarily aggressive. I am so genuinely excited now for the Istanbul gigs for several reasons. First and foremost,

I'm pretty sure we are about to be the biggest ever English-speaking fucking event. And by... Standard-wise, we're ahead by miles. Because of the four sellouts.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge. Literally nobody's done this before. Stand up wise We're ahead by miles Because of the four sell outs Yeah Huge Like Literally nobody's done this But Jimmy's doing One show The day before

Oh and they booked that After yours was booked in as well Yeah but It's just fame Yeah But like Oh it's nearly first I've outsold them by

Six and a half thousand Because you can't put one on the next day Because you're already there Oh yeah What you need to clear dairy in front of you I'm super excited to find out what it is like to you know

we're doing four shows there over two days we're filming it for release later on in the year and I wasn't to come back with a full head of hair our people on the ground there are so

fucking where did we drink with them it was really fucking cool we had a fun night it was in Bulgaria Bulgaria yeah

it was on that tour yep anus yeah so they're gonna be fun yeah I was messaging them this other day he wants to take us to a Fabachi game um but none work out with when we're there well this is this i've told him that i would definitely go back just for the fenabachi game the next time the next time we go

to turkey we're going to be there for a week because we want to do ankara and then there's another place in between which i don't think we'll do a show in but it's a really good holiday destination we're only in Turkey unfortunately for two and a half days and half of those days are going to be spent in the fucking theatre because we're filming two specials a day there but there's

I mean man we're meeting fucking oh man I've got something to tell you off camera celebrity encounter that we might have. In Turkey? No, no, we do have a celebrity encounter in Turkey. Apparently one of the biggest Turkish actresses who's the star of all of Turkey Netflix show

is coming to the fucking show. Oh, amazing. Oh, yeah. And we're just going to be in ignorance. She's still going to be there and a bunch of Turkish comedians are coming so we get to meet them. So I'm really excited

to find out about the Turkish comedy scene and see what's going on and also just see what fucking, I can't wait to try an actual Turkish kebab. Like a real. Have you ever had a Turkish bath?

We've been, the ones in fucking. No. Nah, that's not a Turkish bath is. That's the baths. The Turkish baths where like A fucking

Dude scrubs you Aye Like exfoliates you And all that And fucking Just putting foam on you And washes you And that

It's getting washed By a dude Like put like Really like ragdoll washed Yeah It's like a massage I go to a Turkish barber So I know what

And I love Turkish barbers Aye It's one of them Just like Fucking freshening you up Oh they treat From head to toe They treat like a piece of meat

In a mall for it Yeah Let's get Turkish baths then Fuck aye Alright well we'll see you On the Patreon episode For those of you That actually love us

America tour You can buy tickets for that India sold out India sold out No not all of India sold out Oh we've put extra shows on And not all the dates In India sold out There's Goa It's of India sold out Oh we've put extra shows on And so Not all the dates in India sold out

There's Goa It's still got some I'm pretty sure Pune I'm excited to go to Goa Aye There's Yeah there's Go on the website

There's plenty We're adding it We've added an extra San Francisco show There's potentially an extra Chicago show Coming There is an extra Washington show coming There might be an extra Portland Oh no no, there's not going to be an extra Portland show because it's on a fucking Tuesday.

So we can't do a matinee. And there's also going to be some encore shows. Are you allowed to announce them yet? No. No, but there's a couple of dates being added when the tour ends. Yes. Only UK and Ireland. Yeah. So yeah, we'll see you

next time, Cans. Thank you very much. Sweet.