Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Supply Knight

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Joined by old friend and fellow comedian Chris Martin, Muggins and Cream are at their most childish and disgusting with some gross new lows. It's over an hour of bodily fluids and approximately 3 minutes of whimsy about how we'd conduct ourselves if we got knighted, let's lead with that.

uh good monday patreon listeners and wednesday regular podcast listeners or if you're fucking lazy and catching up welcome to the podcast uh on this week's episode we have a very special guest the wonderful chris martin who comes on and it starts just really what you'd expect from three blokes who've been friends for 10 plus years just talking about cum and pissing shit and wanking and whatnot and and then and then we talk about like how appropriate it is to say certain things to your friends when their parents are ill uh and there's there's an anecdote in there about some cunt that's also on the podcast and then uh i think at the end we invented the world's best game show but we didn't have the courage to do it so you'll

have to tune in to patreon for that if it excites you the very concept and if it offends you don't come back to the next episode because it's only going to get worse I mean I'm not going to be fucking Ricky Gervais and Chappelle here and be like you can't say anything anymore you know what this is if you want to listen do and if you don't don't I'll see you next time Tins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles.

Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So you were telling us about porn, Chris? Yeah, I was. Are we going? Yeah, yeah, let's go. I was talking...

Do I have to wear headphones? No, no, we're good. I've just got it in case it cuts out. I was talking to a guy at a... Not a wedding. My wife's friends from university. And I started... They were talking about thrusters.

Just two men. And they started talking about flashlights and thrusters. What talking about thrusters just two men just two there and they would start talking about fleshlights and thrusters what's a thruster? a thruster apparently is a thing so a flesh you know what a fleshlight is?

yeah it's like a you put it in there and I think it it jiggles it backwards and forwards but basically I sort of said like like a hammer drill

I guess it's that it's sort of like a black and decker yeah I don't I didn't I mean look it up on the internet I didn't start googling but i'm not googling that sort of stuff i'm thinking no i mean that's the way we got into this conversation is because

kai's internet was open and we saw his last viewed porn which was which ironically was called black and decker it's like it's like Ant and Beck but like X rated it was actually Janice Griffith I feel like I'm getting old now that my favourite porn star is called Janice

yeah that does feel old but then I didn't realise that you have a because then I said this other guy I started going what kind of a weirdo

has a favourite porn star and this guy was like I actually do and then I looked her up and she was actually okay so I kind of got the point but what my main issue with this whole thing

was that too much admin for a masturbation do you not think that's a wait I just like and then I looked her up and she was actually okay so I kind of got the point but what my main issue with this whole thing that we're chatting about is too much admin for a masturbation do you not think that's a wait I just think just it doesn't feel like you need a thruster do you need a thruster?

if it's like why put that much effort into just something that you can do like eight seconds how much more how much more good do you need a wank to be?

I reckon if you're not getting shagged regular or shagging regularly I think it's very easy as people who are all in relationships where they're having, you know, sex at least once a month. I'll just stop you there. One of the guys that this person was referring to

who owns a thruster is in a relationship. Oh, well, then he definitely cheats. But maybe he does that to Natchi. Maybe he does it to Natchi. Maybe he's just got, like, an insatiable libido. Yeah. How much thrusting does someone need to do for that to sort of feel like cheating to a lady?

Do you know what I mean? Like, if it's like, I'm going to go hang out with a thruster, I'd feel that's cheating. Or, like, if you had, like, a robot sex doll in the spare room. Aye. Well, because I'm there,

because my thing is always, like, I've always been so fucking reluctant to try the fleshlight or anything like that, because people are like, it feels great, and I'm like, I've always been so fucking reluctant to try the fleshlight or anything like that. Because people are like, it feels great. And I'm like, I don't want it to. I don't want to ever blur the line between shagging and wanking, right? Because wanking is sometimes,

I say it to Cara all the time. 100% agree. When we first started moving in, she was like, did you ever wank today? I was like, of course I didn't wank today. She was like, well, I can, I'm like, no, no, no. Like if I was horny to fuck you, you'd be the first person I told.

I was just anxious about shit. So I went for a while. I wasn't going to bother you you'd be the first person I told I was just anxious about shit so I went for a while I wasn't going to bother you with my anxiety it's a different meal yeah it's like

do you want savoury or sweet yeah I'm not like sometimes I'll have porn but a lot of times I'm just like and then it's done and then I come out and I'm a better partner

because sometimes you're just dead because you've got a hard-on and you haven't got a hard-on because you're horny you've just got a hard-on because like you're out of bed

yeah and I'm not going to come to you with every hard-on I've got like a fucking cat or like a child bringing in like a broken bird winged bird being like we fixed this one I

found this from outside it's your problem now sometimes I'll be like you know I've done this I've wound myself up I'll go I'll go fucking deal with it I agree but yeah I

agree it's like I just get it done get out of the way I don't want to be making even I remember American movies I found out this is a foreskin based the way I don't want to be making even I remember American movies I found out this is a foreskin based thing but I have foreskin

so I never used lotion like in American films but even now I tried it once I was like that's too much admin I don't want to have

extra stuff to clean up that's because they've all got hoggers they've all been circumcised yeah yeah yeah they've all worked so they don't

are you both uncircumcised yeah no my parents my parents when I was born looked at my body and went oh he's perfect as opposed to every American who went, I know he's already got a tiny cock, but that wee bit there, take that off for money. Clean.

Have you got yours off since you moved to America? Yeah, you have to get the green card. You have to do it. It's part of the medical. It was a real surprise. They're like, hand it in, hand it over. They take a deposit. You can hand in a foreskin for a gun. It's like, hand it in, hand it over. They take a deposit. You can hand in a foreskin

for a gun. It's like a swap system. I imagine they're just like, they're like, we're going to put a bit of this foreskin into the card. So, you know,

you do get it back, but it makes you feel real American. You have to put all your fingerprints and then just your foreskin graft on there. If you've got, I don't know what happened, if you've got no foreskin,

I guess that's fine. They just let you in. Also, if you're pre-circumcised, you don't need a green card. You're one of them. Either a green card or let me look at your dick. Across the border. Has there ever been a Jewish person with a foreskin?

Or is that like you're not in the club? Has there ever been that sounds like a listeners question yeah is there any Jewish people listening that have just flat out went

no no I'm keeping that and why are you still allowed in the club but they get it when they're like 8 days old they get it when they're 8 days old

have any is there any Jewish people that have sued I imagine there might be because there's definitely to get into if you fall in love with a Jewish person let's say in this if you fall in love with a Jewish person,

let's say in this instance you fall in love with a Jewish woman, a woman, sorry, like a lot of the time they'll be like, you have to marry into the, you have to join the faith. You can't be. You can convert. Yeah, yeah. And surely part of that conversion is like that's got to come off there.

I feel like that's. How much do you love your woman? It's a big ask leg. Yeah I look I would happily lie to a woman about or apply to a partner about believing in whatever fucking voodoo they believe in just for the time being but oh yeah astrology and god and I am... You're in like the hot Africa with a disc in your left going aye love a few rings on your neck going aye and even for the

culture I just want to fucking embrace it I think trying to get laid I think the the cutting of the foreskin off would

be where I'm like I can't I don't love you as much as I love my cock yeah my full and it's my cock that loves you

why are you doing this to him he's your biggest fan he's the reason we're here in the first place Yeah, my full... And it's my cock that loves you. Why are you doing this to him? He's your biggest fan. He's the reason we're here in the first place. A lot of Americans who, like, it's not religion-based, they're just like, oh, it's for hygiene and shit. But, like, if I'd not got any teeth food, I probably wouldn't eat a brush for teeth.

What about that? That's IT. Just wash it. It's just true. Wash it. Yeah, who's, like, how... Who do we know who's had an infected dick from not washing under the foot?

That's the first bit you'll wash. Probably loads of people, but we don't know. Generally. Don't put that in the WhatsApp group. Probably one of us. And we're just, the other two are just like, uh-huh, yeah, yeah, who, who, mystery. Do you know anyone who, as an adult,

has had to have a circumcision because they had a non-retractable force? Yes. Sean McLaughlin. Yeah, he's a comedian. My other friend, I won't say his full name. My other friend, when I say his full name my other friend when I he was like 24 firstly I had another friend

who didn't know he was whether he was circumcised or not and then when we were like 18 we were like well let's look at your dick and we were like oh mate you're circumcised his parents never told him

because he wasn't Jewish it was hygiene reasons I guess or he had a I don't know I don't know what was under there when he was a kid but my other mate non-retractable foreskin,

and then he found out by chatting to his two other brothers that both of them had it as well. And one of theirs retracted during intercourse. It like, it broke and... Oh! Yeah, have you ever like tried to put a sweater on where the neck's a bit too small? Do you reckon like your first hard-on-on's just trying to put a sweater on

Well there's sometimes, right, so with Caelan's clothes sometimes you expect just the head to go through but because they've got fucking massive heads, a lot of the jumpers you give them have like, instead of just an echo there's buttons here so you can make it looser and sometimes I've just got buttons doing this idea, cock

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sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes sometimes like is it decent is it yeah does it retract okay yeah well I mean you do have to how do you know you got what you have to you have to peel the foreskin aye man yep

you have to aye can you not just get in there with a jet washer you get the car charge just a couple of you go a different distance because they're smaller

but just think they're trying to get moss from between the pier your kid has a massive phobia of water slides afterwards oh man I mean I definitely shouldn't be telling this on the podcast but here we go right just like they're trying to get moss from between the pavement your kid has a massive phobia of water slides afterwards I definitely shouldn't be telling this on the podcast

but here we go right so I've been away for like 10 days which is the longest time I've been away without seeing my kid get off the plane I'm so excited to just go home headphones on get in the car get in the taxi sorry to go home

and I've messaged Cara previously because I had card problems where it was fucking my details were stolen and I was like I'm not going to be able to pay for this taxi so can you make sure that you've got money

out in the house so I'll come in grab the money pay the guy and then we can be at home together she's like yeah absolutely right

I get home her car is not in the fucking drive she's not in the fucking house thankfully I've got her joint account on us and I've remembered the pin code for that. So I pay for that. And I message her being like... It's like she's left him,

but she's just text pretending they're still together. Classic. And I'm like, and she knows how much I've been missing. I'm like, is this some sort of really fucking horrible prank? Like, why? If you're at the shops,

why the fuck are you at the shops? Like, you knew when I was coming back. She's not answering. I'm like, what's going on? I phoned her. I'm like, where the fuck are you? She's like, I'm at the airport. And I'm like, what's going on? I phone her. I'm like, where the fuck are you? She's like, I'm at the airport. And I'm like, why?

She had surprise picked him up. I went to the wrong, to be fair, Edinburgh Airport is the second worst airport in the world after Dublin. And they have two international arrival bits because fuck everyone else. We're at Edinburgh.

Why would we give a shit? It's only one terminal as well, isn't it? Yeah, it's a tiny fucking, yeah. But they're just like, and there's a by the way on both of those they don't say

oh by the way it's this one they're just like guess so that's very Edinburgh oh

I fucking if you work at Edinburgh airport I cannot stress I mean I'm not allowed to say do something to harm yourselves

because we're online but really look hard in the mirror at who you are and where you work and understand that you're a bad person because of it. But much I think. No, absolutely not. No, no.

Every single time. That wound's still fresh. What happened to Be Kind? You lose the right for people to be kind if you work at Edinburgh Airport or Dublin. You don't get the right. If you're a kind to everyone, you don't get to throw around be kind and i've never been in edinburgh airport where my luggage has not taken more than 45 minutes to move 30 meters from that airplane i

came out to just here and watching three baggage handlers being like our shift doesn't it doesn't matter when your shift starts there they are my favorite example of this exact thing was the other day i was on a bus from where Hannah's family live outside of Edinburgh into Edinburgh and a guy gets on the bus and he's like

excuse me does my Lothian bus pass work and the guy rather than go no it doesn't he just goes does it look like

a Lothian bus and the guy and he goes well there's your non-sod pal and I was just like I was in the back I want to

punch the back door I was like why why do you need to be that sarcastic I think I would have developed the power to choke him with the force like Darth Vader

I would have just like found it in myself just choke him from afar he also made he also when I put the money down when I got on in the thing he just rather than say

he just picked up a lid and just pointed at it you know what he goes put the money in the lid alright so I had to scoop it back out of that little section and put money in the lid alright so I had to scoop it back out of that little

section and put it in the lid for him so he could do guys power trip power trip one time on a one way to Glasgow I got the fucking

train through and I've got my headphones on just listening to music right and I'm just sitting there on my phone right and then eventually like

this man puts his hand across and knocks on the table in front of me and it's the ticket inspector and I tip my headphones off and I go, oh, sorry, man. And he goes,

there's a fire. There's a fire. What would you have done if there was a fire? And I'm like, I'm like, well, I guess I would have felt the fucking heat

or the alarm that I assumed. I assumed, I assumed the fire alarm is a bald 65-year-old can't go in. There's a fire on the train. There's a fire.

That's literally from Alan Partridge. Isn't it? Where he's out of country fair. No one's listening. He goes, fire, fire. The fair's on fire. Only kidding. There's a fire engine.

No one's listening to him. That guy is Alan Partridge. Yes, there is. Accidental Partridge. Let's keep doing Jobsworths. The other night, I was in the pub, and I went to have some food. I went, kitchen closed at nine o'clock.

And then it was, you know that Edinburgh, you get the guy running a pub, white face, rosy cheeks, probably 23, but he's the manager, and it's gone way to his head. And I said, our restaurant's going, if I go get some food, can I eat it outside? He goes goes no food from outside the premises

allowed inside the premises whatsoever I'm like just say you read your small print just say no just say no don't have to give me the

and then I told Hannah and she he could obviously see me telling her exactly what she did and she's just going what a fucking cunt this guy is

and then he he had no choice but to then just like death stare her and I was like what are we doing man just what are we doing just chill out

it's just you're running a Swedish park mate fucking cunts man anyway so I get back oh yeah so you just blamed Edinburgh airport

on your last being a tit aye aye well I could have been no she was being Cain she was being Cain what happened to her she was at the main

international domestic rivals bit where most people come through. And then there's the other bit that everyone goes, oh, by the way, there's a secret one which we don't tell anyone about. It's the opposite end of the airport. And there's no sign which tells you which international route.

And I'm, because it's a surprise. And here's the thing. Cara hates when surprises are ruined. And I hate surprises. So this is a nightmare scenario for both of us because when I phone her I'm like where the fuck are you she's like I'm at the airport and she's laughing to cover the fact that she's devastated that one of her surprises doesn't work and I'm fucking raging going don't fucking surprise if you didn't try to surprise me we

wouldn't be in this scenario anyway she comes back we're both happy to see each other and then we both just laugh about and we're like this is the worst case scenario for both of us because i got a surprise that didn't work out and your well-meaning surprise was ruined so i've missed like two or three of kaylin's swimming lessons and car is just like sorry it's just funny i was like just to someone wait i've missed some swimming lessons in the story, I'm just thinking about the taxi driver whose engine's still running, waiting to get paid while you're outside your house. Sorry. So you've missed some swimming lessons. Missed some swimming lessons.

It's like this is my wife telling a story. I've missed all this time with him. He needs a bath. And Cara goes, you can get in the bath with him. Because one of his favourite things when you're in the pool with him is you have the back of his head and you look over the top of him like

and he's like this is amazing I mean what I can see you this is class so I'm like I'm like do I get

to be fair I don't think I asked do I get naked I think I just I assumed because you know I'm like he's not developing memories

in it yet I could just get in fucking naked with him and just put him there and he looks up at me and he smiles and I'm like this is

I've missed this for 10 days like that fucking smile and he goes back and just grabs him there and he looks up at me and he smiles and I'm like I've missed this for 10 days like that fucking smile and his hand goes back and just grabs my car I don't know how he just straight fucking reached around

oh man reached behind like he just went he got so excited to see me there he went oh and then just if anything's in his hand

he's like and I'm like oh fucking god let's not make this hopefully this isn't the first time his consciousness comes on What's your earliest memory?

Well I was swimming With my dad In a very small pool And I And you hadn't had sex In like 11 days So somebody And somebody touched it

You'd been away From home for a while Though as we've Previously discussed I bleed the radiator Regularly Aye You only wank Like once a day on tour, that blows my mind.

Aye, I fucking save it up. I treat myself. Do you? Aye. I've been recently using girls on Reddit. He put us on Gone Wild. What do you mean girls on Reddit? People having a chat?

We've talked about this on the podcast before but I'll I'll tell you now so you're up to speed is that lasses just sometimes just show their fanny on reddit and there's no rules on there there's a subreddit called

gone wild and it's just for men or women who want to go go a bit wild but they show sort of a non just a

sometimes they include their faces Chris it's the thrill of girls sending you nudes without the cheating of girls sending you nudes without the cheating of girls sending you nudes. I always think that. You're getting sent nudes, but everyone else can see them,

which is like... Hi. You know when Snapchat came out and you were flirting with a girl and she'd send out a picture of her looking good and you're like, I know I'm not the only bloke you've sent that to, but that's not going to...

I missed... Because we met just before that type of social media. Oh, yeah yeah of course i missed some of that um oh yeah how long you've been with your 10 years yeah i just and you know people were doing the odd dick pic i don't think i did a dick pic no i think it was just before i sent i sent a dick pic as an insurance picture for the nudes i was getting off a girl just been like if you send me more of the years here's my dick so you know I'm not going she done his dick

do you ever worry that like that's at some point no you don't you don't really care if someone sees it because I think people actually do get it

if someone if someone showed a photo of your dick that you'd given them they'd actually probably feel sorry not because of the size of your dick

that's part of it obviously but for the fact that some I mean they're human beings it's our camera angles though isn't it I bet it looked like the freedom tower but for the fact that some, I mean, they're human beings. It's Al Cam Rangles though,

isn't it? I bet it looked like the Freedom Tower. Perspective. You built, you built a tiny model of Big Ben and put it next to your dick. Big Ben's my dad. Yeah, no,

I wonder if actually, yeah, you're right to not feel, because I, yeah, when you say that, it's Reddit, people don't have Reddit.

You know, in 10 years they might get like an important job and they and they've well occasionally some people do have they have posted being like oh somebody from work has worked out that this is me because i've got this tattoo and here's a video of me fucking dad myself with a lightsaber and you know it's really i feel like nowadays people i think people are most sexual people get it people get that there's just there's a blueprint of stuff out there now i think there's you know there was a time when we you know you didn't really know the etiquette of of nudes and stuff i mean if you'd really thought about it you probably could work out but you weren't doing much thinking because somebody took your nudes yeah and then and then uh i mean i've been out of the

nude nudes game for you know years now i don't know in my in my in my head i'm like and it's fine and there's nothing wrong and revenge porn has disappeared I'm sure I'm sure everything's now that I've left I'm sure it's all clean

did I ever tell you about the girl that asked for our nudes back so she could send it to another dude I fucking respect it wait what do you mean back

she didn't look as good as she no she'd send them to me right and then like we had our thing and fizzled it and like

just a couple of months later or whatever just went have you still got any of them pictures I sent you I was like

I had I'm not meant to do you want us to delete them she was like oh thank god I've just been chatting up this

lad and he wants some nudes she's like an old club comic couldn't be fucked with any new materials like this is my

killer 20 let's just use the same boobs send them out again that's what because it wouldn't be that difficult to redo well she might have

just been like out and about it she's in a rut because Kai's got nothing better he's got them on file that's hilarious he's got them

so hooked her up with her own nudes there you go I give them back that's good you know paying it backwards

he's a gentleman pay it backwards also you answered it you paying it backwards he's a gentleman pay it backwards also you answered it you answered it by where they'd be like just have this nudes and you're like aye but if you want me to leave them of course I will and she's like no no as a thank you keep whacking away but just don't think about me and this new guy that I'm definitely shagging instead of you that's did you you must have done some you did a few When did you make your valve? I did 2012 And then 10X exclusive in 2013

So you were similar You were the most recent to have probably done the nude Yeah I sent dick pics But it was always like If a girl Or somebody is sending them to you I imagine the amount of trust

that must be involved to do this and the fucking very legitimate fear of, you know, if this ends bitterly, I don't know how you react when you're fucking jilted, you could just do this. I would always just be like, here it is. And also, even if we don't talk, say the word and I'll delete everything that you've ever said. Like, I hope that goes without saying,

but if it doesn't, here it is and let's... I've never had a nude off my wife. No? I have. I hope that goes without saying, but if it doesn't, here it is in lights. I've never had a nude off my wife. No? I have. You're the one you travel away in on. You've got to get nudes off your wife. I've had a nude off your wife. Did you just make that up?

Yeah, I did. Yeah, sorry. Anyone else? Anyone at home? You can email in. Everyone tweeting, I've had one off your wife. Yeah, I remember doing a joke

about how she used to send her progress reports to Joe Wicks. This was 2016 when Joe Wicks was just like, he had another job. When he was slightly less than nine. The Joe Wicks brand was like his side hustle before he'd become a fucking multimillionaire. It was like she was in the pioneer stage of it

where you'd send photos before and after and then he'd post the progress reports and I was like the only way I could get nudes off my lasses going on his Instagram

that was my bit that's funny yeah he used to do now he's sort of he does anything that guy he was there was something

about him on the way everyone on the way up more appealing now he's what's he doing some weird did you prefer him when he was underground

yeah I preferred him when he was in Richmond giving out flyers and he was on Instagram now he's now he's, what's he doing some weird... Oh, did you prefer him when he was underground? Yeah, I preferred him when he was in Richmond, giving out flyers and he was on Instagram. Now he's the nation's PE teacher. Ah, and does he not have a fucking knighthood? Call me old school. I'm a Mr Motivator guy. I always called my PE teacher sir.

I think if anyone accepts a fucking OBE or any knighthood in the past fucking five years, you, well, you lose the right to be kind and I get to shout what I want at you. You don't get to, not since the past five years, let's go, since they harboured a pedophile. Anyone after that if you still accept a fucking knighthood

Now the institution has been tainted, like it hadn't already previously been tainted. You've had a defence before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Henry the Eighth was like beheading his wife and that, like take a knighthood then. Yeah, yeah, easy. has been tainted like it hadn't already previously no yeah when Henry VIII was like beheading his wife and that like

take a knighthood then yeah easy yeah well I mean if you don't you can't off your fucking heads

do you want this to end up here and here or fucking here make a choice ah the monarchy would you take a job

seriously if you were a knight how I don't know I like would you would you like challenge people to duels would you take a job seriously if you are a knight how i don't know i think would you would like challenge people to jewels i slap would you slap us with a glove someone's taking it so there's so many people we've mentioned earlier these jobs there'll be some there'll be some knight jobs works out there oh 100 yeah actually i'm a knight of the realm so you have to address yeah you do yeah and i they have like sir on their bank card. I've seen you do doctor, so you'll be able to do SIR.

Just print it on there. One of the coolest things about being a knight would be if someone was like, oh, Sir Chris. I'd be like, just call me Chris. I'm a cool knight, don't worry, guys. Hey, get off your knee, get off your knee. I'm a regular guy. Don't have to call me sir, all right?

Yeah. I would be like, please Chris Sir Chris is my father just call me sir would you be like a supply teacher knight yeah just sitting on the edge of a desk

sitting backwards on a horse so you guys I just want to be a little bit cool fuck his mother you won't wear like your big helmet

because you've got your hair done yeah take your hair to plain supply teachers turn up after shave on

you can try to impress I agree with you just on the Joe Wex stance on like I really liked him

and now I'm sure this just comes from deep betterness inside of me but you know we had a girlfriend

and then they got famous and then that girlfriend fucked off and he had a girlfriend and then they got famous and then that girlfriend fucked off and he married a model and i'm like you did that but with sisters you know you know his wife i did a an online advert with her a few years ago yeah and i she was really nice and obviously quite attractive she said to me she did i guess this was before iphones i can't remember it must be like 12 13 years ago she said her name and i was like i looked her up and then that wasn't because you know she was a page three model yeah so that was quite so she was like i go

what do you normally do acting stuff it was this i can't remember what it was it was crap it was like some stupid online thing where for some i had to say like three words and the director i swear to god made me say them uh for like four hours because when it's only like three words it's like it's not it's like see you tomorrow it's like no no see you tomorrow no no and i do it's that shit anyway yeah it was that weird i wish i could have been a down on the gig mate it wasn't that good but yeah then i went to i was like oh what's her name she goes i'm i'm i act as i was like oh sorry i thought i think maybe trying to look at imdb and stuff and then i was like, oh, what's her name? She goes, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I bit on principle because you met you already i also definitely i also come to witness that i she wasn't just a page three model rosie jones was in front magazine which i loved as a fucking teenager front i missed that how old are you i'm 31 yeah so you're five years younger so yeah i'm fh i'm fhm my uh i'm nuts i'm zoo i mean what's like jack jackie degg and lalani dowding like they were they were they were my I remember them they were my like

cover girls you're just doing that thing where people start talking about ace football with me and I'm like did you used to be a big fan of the hundred sexiest women

in FHM it was always Sarah Michelle Gellar or Gillian Anderson for about three yeah they were like they were like Messi and Ronaldo

of the 90s attractive women on TV the Ballon d'Or yeah that was a the Ballon d'Or. Yeah, yeah. I think you're the Ballon d'Or. No. No, I'm not. They're just nice ladies who are naked.

Okay. They're not even naked. No, they're just the sexiest. They wouldn't even be naked. It would just be like someone off the TV wearing a sort of covering. It wouldn't even be that. It's being a nice top. It was like 90s, and I was a teenager, so softcore.

I used to sneak their magazines into the... When I went for a shower, sneak them into the bathroom. I had them in my towel in case my wife passed. I had five people in a small house. Yeah, right. And I'm like fucking trying to get my magazine into the shower like they don't know.

Why did you... Crumpling, crinkling legs. It feels like, why did you not... Did you share a room with someone? I shared a room with my brother. Right. And then my sister had her own room own room right so your shower just communally must have been a write-off that sounds well everyone must have been knocking one out in their shower you've ever thought about that you know what can i can i festival time confession time it's my turn

yeah sure i once uh i let it fly in the bathtub. Hold on. Clarify what let it fly. I was in the shower. Right. And I jizzed. Right. Sorry, I thought very easily it could have been a shit thing, but no, we're still on camera. I let it fly.

I just had my arse cheeks parted and I was like. Way, way grosser than that. Right. You have a wank in the shower. Right. And you've got to make sure the shower's not too hot or it'll scald to the bottom of the bathtub have you ever come across

that before no and it like just it poaches on the bath floor because the shower's too hot and you're like oh fuck

oh wait oh yeah calm right yeah sorry yeah yeah yeah I thought you were talking about I thought you were talking about like it was a metal bathtub and it was heating up too much

no so you calm always gets weird when it gets involved with liquids it's like a gremlin mate it. So you, cum always gets weird when it gets involved with liquid. It's like a gremlin, mate. It just goes, it's,

don't trifle with it. I've always mentioned, I've always shoot it down the fucking toilet pan. If it's not into a tissue, it's doing the pan. I do that as well. It's a terrible angle to do,

but it just, it's just the, again, it's the post. Yeah. You know it's going to feel bad at the moment you finish. So let's get it in the toilet,

even if it means, if anyone walked in on that angle, it's going to look horrific. Ah, yeah. I's get it in the toilet even if it means if anyone walked in on that angle it's going to look horrific ah yeah just you running out during your weakest most vulnerable moment

to get to the right so so you've got that stringy poached cum bit you've got the like it's the something about Mary

that is what yeah so that that's not its way of doing it's flown it hasn't boiled to on it's way of doing it's flown it hasn't boiled to the bottom of the bath right it's flown

right and then it kinda like I say I live with also my mum and my sister right

and the hair was at critical mass oh no right and it blocked it up and it started filling up

and the water level was rising and I was like oh fuck I'm gonna have to salvage this, right? And I pulled it. Wait, does everybody just want to skip about a minute of the podcast and not listen to this bit?

I feel like everyone's going to skip all of the podcast. Chris, you understand the podcast. That's what it is. I came in and we started immediately on pornography. So I pulled out the accumulation of hair capped with my poached jizz. Binding agent. Binding agent.

Just your cum? And pulled it out. Oh, mate, it was like... It was like it unearthed me whole family's last fucking 20-odd weeks of hair and jizz. Your actual family tree, like a physical representation. Oh, mate, it was a Cronenberg family. 20 odd weeks of hair and jizz your actual family tree

like a physical representation oh mate it was a Cronenberg family it was a fucking Cronenberg I pulled a

Cronenberg out of the thing that's horrible straight down the hatch the council estate oyster

he even got it out of the plug with a really small fork. A bit of Tabasco sauce. I didn't have any. You're trying to eat shallots. It's an aphrodisiac. Not that I need that right now. I'm already done I didn't have any

Tabasco sauce so I just used the cool mint shower gel so I think should we introduce our guest yeah

welcome to the podcast Chris Martin hi hi we can't get where do you go from this well I'll tell you

where we're going how do you talk about meeting after this last time I saw you where we're going how do you talk about meeting after this last time I saw you we were in Vegas yeah yeah we're going to go from

this is a funny pivot conversation you can talk about any of the stuff that happened by the way but that's going to be a funny gear change to the listeners yeah so we

we had every time we do every time we do the tour in America we have the opportunity where we've got two days off and we always go to send us to Vegas and we'll see who can come down and visit with us. We've hollered with you before.

You're a very good company. You're a good fucking drinker. You've got the same, especially... We like going on the little horses, the little horse machines. Yeah, we love... Have you talked about how you won $700 on that one here before? I don't know if we did, actually.

This fucker. Like, we went on the horse race machine where... It was like a 20 pence one, isn't it? No, I think you put... Yeah, yeah, maybe it's a 20p a bet, or you put a dollar... I think it's a dollar. A dollar a bet. But anyway, it's like...

You just guessed the way all of the horses were going to lay down. You guessed one and two, and, you know, if you get lucky, you might get 30. This fucker comes in on his second go at this casino, and he puts it in the second one that's 692 to one shot comes in yeah you always put a big you always put two small ones just in case that happens you win the money back and then a big one because one in every thousand happened to neil last time we were in oh but there no it was i was happy that you won that i know but i definitely i also definitely was not up like that

that got me to I think 200 back because when I'm drunk and when I lose stuff I'll just go now's the time 200 on red and we're going to fucking win it back black right I'll do the same thing tomorrow but with 500 quid

that's why they don't let you open the windows in the hotel yes yes yes yes remember

while walking back and there was some lass that was just like there was a lass just whacking around and trying to give someone a blowjob she was a sex worker

was she yeah yeah I'm pretty sure she was a sex worker yeah because you reminded me I was like that lass is having

a nightmare no no no no one's letting us suck their dick she was a sex worker because you reminded me i was like that lass is having an nightmare like no no no no one's let me she was a sex worker because you reminded me because that guy's just had a free cork he was just kept in like everyone's like no i'm good no because we were drunk and we were like on the way back to our rooms and then i think it was like she she was very friendly and she was like you're right guys and we were like and the vague memory was like yeah alright we go what have you been up to tonight

and she went sucking cock and we were like have a good night also I don't if you're a sex worker I don't want you at the end of your shift

don't tell me that is the bread fresh nuts yesterday well the problem is again it was a bit too ambiguous because he didn't he just thought

it was a lady who did that. I thought she was just separated from her mates and just having a wild one on her own. Yeah, I mean, I didn't... We didn't... We didn't... We just lose our mates and just suck people off, right, guys?

Yeah. Is that what happened when we lost you at Birstable that year? Oh, but yes, that was that was that was a funny that was a funny end to a funny evening was that also because my memory we drank heaps

but my memory didn't go now that we know your mum's like okay oh yeah talk about it he did he not just say the most important line

of all time so the next day I get a phone call walking through we're on our way to Topgolf on our way to Topgolf we're through MGM Grand

my mum had been in hospital for a few days with this like mystery thing and then my dad called and said she had a stroke in hospital last night so I'm a bit like

fucking confused and I'm flying back to LA like in three hours but I'm going to go play Topgolf with you guys and then I like catch up with you guys and I'm like

yeah yeah it's like crazy my mum's had a stroke and my dad's like don't come home but I'm trying to get home but it's weird with immigration stuff and had a stroke and my dad's like don't come home but I'm trying to get home but it's weird with immigration stuff

and then Sloss goes it could be worse it could have been last night I would have really ruined our night out and I was just like yeah I guess that's a positive

literally the first thing he said to respond to it I was trying to put a spin in it I was trying to cheer him up and then and then we were playing Topgolf and then I said something like

oh my god I'm like I'm not very good I normally take a few strokes ironically so I couldn't be in a more annoying place to be if someone's had a stroke which is playing golf somewhere with a stroke and you had to get that joke in

because you're like well clearly Sloss is insensitive I'm just going to say whatever comes into his mind I have to get ahead of the curve a little bit but no yeah it did make me laugh though good there you go and it didn't ruin the night out the night before and you are right his mind yeah I have to get ahead of the curve a little bit but no yeah that was it did make me laugh though good

there you go see aye and it didn't ruin the night out the night before and you are right it would have been

more annoying so at least it was when I think at the time I was definitely I was 100% fucking baked because we were in

California so I think in my head I was like if he laughs at this I've done the right thing and this is because he's a comedian as well you're like

I can get away with more here but then every time you've told the story I'm like that was a big fucking that was probably the biggest gamble you took in Vegas slots imagine if I just

started crying and punching you yeah wow Kai letting the first three punches go and he's like alright we've got the rest of the show Chris

come on be reasonable it didn't put us up for a job. Give him your horse race money to say sorry. Give him your horse race money to say sorry. Yeah, no,

that was funny. He said I was completely all over the shop on that. Especially hungover after like, after the night before, but.

Not the information I wanted to say. My mum's doing all right now. She's great. It's all good. Glad to hear that. I'm glad. Fucking country.

It's all good. You get back to. I'm going out of the fucking country. It's all good. You get back to see her for a bit. Yeah, it was kind of mad. So, well, the full thing is she had a stroke and then found out it was lung cancer. So then it was like, do you know that right? She had lung cancer. So it was really advanced and I was like,

and I was in this weird situation where I couldn't get my visa. I could leave, but if I left, it would completely fuck my whole green card up. But my mum my mum was like just i'm all right at the moment just stay because they were trying to work out what treatment she could have and all this and then i like got like um i was i 'll shout him out because he's such a nice guy i was like get ronnie cheng texted a senator to help me speed it up oh yeah he did and it did speed up ronnie cheng can do that that's amazing yeah yeah so he's the nicest guy ever. But there was still like six weeks where I was like,

it was amazing how like weird. May you tap them to death. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Talking about your mother-in-law can't say, don't tap to death. I mean, the audio quality is really important here. It could be worse. The audio quality could be bad.

People want to hear your sad story. People want to hear the sad story. But there were so many weird admin points where I was like, I need to get home. I'm in this process where surely they could speed it up. And I rug up this American immigration line. I was like, I know I'm waiting for this thing, but can I get an emergency exit thing?

My mum's had a stroke. And they were like, yeah, no worries. This is the emergency line. OK, cool. Someone will call you in 72 hours. I was like, how's that an emergency you in 72 hours how's that an emergency 72 hours how's that an emergency so then the next day if i have a mother cancers and a room just so you know also add cancer to that yeah and i would be there now it's an emergency now motherfucker because she's gonna let me come today i don't know what she's

gonna get tomorrow but it's all on you at this point they were going to ears she's got ears as well thank you guys i'm like yeah then there is the unholy trinity yeah I'm like mum just get one more thing to tip us over the edge and maybe get a call back in 48 hours

Covid mum everyone's got Covid that's not going to get the fucking sobs but not yet though I knew it was it was wasn't it it was

it was serious actually then Covid it was I had it in 2018 there but it was 21 no no the Vegas story I put it in 2018 there but it was pre-21 the Vegas story I put it back

two years because we we did our our last gigs pre-COVID were together we did and we did it

at fucking Largo and it was that really weird situation where we were all backstage and we're like is there no hand sanitizer

back here no you were you were very much like we're just gonna get it you were like maybe doing that like blokey No, you were very much like, we're just going to get it. You were maybe doing that blokey, like, I don't care if I get it. Well, we're going to get it, so I'm going to get it. And I was like, I don't want to get it yet.

Yeah, we don't know the long-term effects of it. And I was like, it's only... Let a few more bodies go over the trenches first. But I just see, I was, you know, my opinion for our very early doors was, I was like, it's just killing the elderly. And you know, I'm not legally allowed to do that. So at this point, it's intervention from God. And then the

asthmatics and the regular people started dying. And then you got it and were quite ill actually, weren't you? Yeah, yeah, absolutely fucked me. And I was even with like half of the vaccine at that point. It buggered me rotten. And now I think it's medicine. You're a very unfit man.

I was at the time. I got it like six weeks ago. I got it two days ago, guys. Welcome. Test out your vaccine. I got it six weeks ago and actually it was shit. I got it at the Dave Chappelle. I was watching Dave Chappelle when he got attacked on stage.

I got it that night. You were there? Yeah, I was there. My mate weirdly that got attacked on stage I'd got it that night oh you were there yeah I was there my mate weirdly that night really causing your knuckles yeah my face has just recovered from again honestly I've never seen people

beat up a man more oh really than the people on the back it was so weird because it was also I was napping I obviously just I must have had it

because I was so tired but also the show was like four hours so I just thought I was tired because of that I was leaving and I saw this guy running on this and then he got chased to the back of the stage and like 10 people just beat him up for so long because there's the video of him like where his shoulder is backwards yeah yeah it's not dislocated it's just like it's they've

they've removed it's not the shoulder socket the shoulder is broken from like the neck bones and the rib bones and it's turned around to orbs. It was horrible. I think that was an important message to send, that like,

everybody must have had it in their head, like, oh Will Smith smacked Chris Rock and got away with it and then somebody that wasn't Will Smith

done it to Dave Chappelle and you're going, oh no, that's what happens to you by the way. That's the economy slap. You're not in business slap. Balls and that happens if you attack Dave Chappelle

who has like security guards and about a thousand people. I mean, if you attack me on stage what happens is you just attack me for ages. You attack me for so long and no one's going to stop you. You can attack me as long as you guys like. It's like when fucking what's his name that died on stage?

They're just like, this is part of Chris's... Tommy Cooper. Tommy Cooper, right. This is... Who's the incognito? Did he die on stage as well? I don't think he was on stage. No, no.

I mean, he did die on stage quite regularly. He did die on stage. Did he? He died on stage. And people thought it was part of the act. He stole Tommy Cooper's bit. I mean... What a hack.

Jeez, he died being a hack that's very unlikely oh god she would have hated that yeah did Coxey really die on stage he died on stage people thought it was part of the act

mad I did not know that yeah oh there you go that would be we spoke of this that would be my fucking nightmare to be dying

and for nobody to know that you're dying sounds like hell you're like somebody could save you you could have another seven or eight years I imagine it's like

drowning because when people do drowning in TV shows it's like oh help I'm bad but what drowning obviously as lifeguard know this

what drowning is is somebody not really moving that much dealing with it and slowly going under just a mouth coming up from

gas yeah not making much noise because you don't have any air in your lungs to make noise. Is it the worst way to die or the best way? I've had this debate with someone before.

I think it's the worst way to die. The movie Prestige is the one where they were like, it's actually the best way to die, it's going home. And that was a lie. The movie where there's loads of clones and it's magic.

I would hate it. Yeah. I would hate it. That's a review. I'd hate to die. Would you rather drown or burn to death? Apparently there's a review I'd hate to die would you rather drown or burn to death apparently like

there's a big fucking like at the end like an explosion of fucking chemicals or whatever that you go through so like apparently it's a

glorious finale oh really but the bit towards the finale like I'm sure like crossing the line on a marathons class

but it's not like the marathons class yeah I think I'd rather but I don't I don't like heat I don't like heat, I don't like being,

I don't like, I can't even do that thing where you like to turn off a candle with your fingers. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you do that? Of course you can. You and mine do that.

Oh yeah, do it all the time. Or when, when, when someone's baby grabs my cock, I just do that. When your missus, I am, baby's got my dick in one hand,

my hands shut, turn off the candle. I'm just down to the stars, that's what I do guys. I make jokes about, I make jokes about mum's dying of strokes, and I just put out candles like that while the baby's wanking me off. I like it when I grab my cup,

I've got candles on, I'm like, I'm bathing with my son, I've got to set the ambience. Can I play Enya? Is there incense? Incense, not sense. Incense, incense. Please don't report me to child services.

He's enjoying himself too much. Don't take away this. It's all he has. We're talking about dying of burning. Yeah. Don't want to die of burning. Yeah, I was about to say, I definitely, if my last hand as my cup of tea

and she's got the handle I'm like I need the handle by the way trying to maneuver around that's true I don't want to grab it and actually I shower every day

so I feel like I'm more used to that so I feel like the start of drowning I'd be like I know what's happening like a duck to water then I'd be like

no no no explosion finish that's not too bad actually I've scalded myself on it you know what would be a really good exercise Like a duck to water. Then I'd be like, no, no, no, explosion, finish. That's not too bad, actually. I've scalded myself on it. You know what would be a really good exercise in stoicism if you were dying by falling out of an aeroplane without a parachute, right?

Because you know that's going to be the quickest death. You can't control it. It's going to be the quickest death you've ever had. There's nothing you can do in between. So instead of being like, I'm using my last seven seconds to scream like a dick, just go, wait, this is class. Whee! instead of being like I've used my last seven seconds to scream like a dick just going wait this is class

weee enjoy this this is the fastest I'll ever be in my life accept it as quick as you can I mean you might there is a point

zero zero one percent chance that you'll survive because once people have survived terminal velocity falls before really?

yeah yeah yeah falling out of a plane doesn't matter once you're in terminal doesn't matter terminal velocity is terminal velocity so if you can survive what's that like 90 miles an hour

I've got no idea to be honest if this was a pub quiz tiebreaker I'd say like 285 miles an hour it's got to be really high yeah

I mean I can I can go over to Google in a second not on this podcast but they you know there is I think that would be

the one bit of hope my brain gave me. They're a terminal velocity survivor. Yeah. Yeah, people have survived. But they've not survived well. That might be true. Can they do spoken word stage stuff about their experience? You don't hear about these people often, I don't think.

No. You're a superhero if you're surviving that. hear about these people often, I don't think. You're a superhero if you're surviving that. You should make a movie about someone who's survived that. What you should do if you've fallen from terminal velocity. It's about 200, oh I'm not doing kilometres.

120 miles per hour. Oh boy, that's fast. Yeah, that makes mine seem less true, but here we go. This is like, nah, it feels like bullshit. No one survived that. So if you're falling, you know you're going to die. Just put your hand in front of you and just keep zooming in and pretend you're on Google Earth.

People have survived terminal velocity falls. In 1972, Vesna Vulović fell over. Look at that picture from here. Well, that's how, if you were to survive it regularly, that's what you'd have to look like. Oh, so he performed... That's a computer-generated image of if you were to regularly survive falling out of a plane,

that's what human beings would have to look at. But Vesna Vulović fell over 33,000 feet without a parachute after a plane. She was inexploded. She didn't exactly walk away from the fall, however. She spent days in a coma and was hospitalized for months after that. Why is that?

Who's that a picture of? That is. I want to see the picture of the woman that survived. Oh, okay. So she didn't just survive a fall. She survived a plane explosion. Yeah. And then the fall.

Yeah. Oh, she's got a... She looks all right, actually. She was in the air. Oh, my gosh. So she lives after. exploded yeah and then the fall yeah oh she's got a she looks alright actually she was in she was in oh my gosh so she lives after so that would be the bit

you would feel like a you would feel invincible after that you wouldn't look both ways crossing the street you know what hypothetically you would but if you've been like

smashed to ribbons and spent a bit of time in a coal mine you'd probably you probably would be like oh I feel invincible you're probably not taking advantage of

Ryanair deals you're probably not taking advantage of Ryanair deals you're thinking I'm happy to be wrong on that but that would be the one bit of my fucking hope am I the one guy maybe I land instead of in the water maybe I land

in a bale of hay or like Assassin's Creed just like Hope It's over Blythe where every back garden has got a trampoline you need a trampoline with a huge hole underneath it

yeah do you not well yeah and really good springs yeah it's true I don't think trampolines are that good where you just

100 foot hole and you go all the way down it would be that fast you've got far too much roadrunner I do absolutely gutted I don't think trampolining is that good where you're just a hundred foot off and you go all the way down. You're far too much of a roadrunner. I do. Absolutely gutted if you survive the impact of landing on the trampoline, go all the way down, and it's that smaller fall that kills you. And you're like, fuck, oh no, wait. You just like, you do it the second, the third, and then you catch the ankle wrong, and then you land on their spiked fence.

And you're like, this is shit. I could have put a fucking, I survived terrible velocity three times in the space of like two minutes, and now your fucking fence has done me in. Swimming, like when you fly over water, you're going to die, right? That's the one that you're going to definitely die in. Yeah, because I imagine you break bones.

You definitely break bones, because that's just like, from anything over like 300 feet, that's just, you're hitting concrete at that point with water. So you definitely break bones because that's just like from anything over like through the feet that's just you're hitting concrete at that point with water so you're breaking bones

and then you're drowning I guess have you been on a jet ski? I have I've spaffed it on a jet ski because I went on one I got knocked out on one yeah I was going to say

it's like going 70 miles an hour and you go oh this is fun and you go like oh because of it falling in the water no this has been like falling on

yeah so yeah you got concussed I woke up in an ambulance last time I was on a jet ski and they pulled him out face down in the water. No, this has been like falling on, yeah, so you got concussed. I woke up in an ambulance the last time I was on a jet ski. And they pulled him out face down in the water. He just fucking fished us out. Were you going so fast?

I was doing about 80 or something. It was choppy as well. It was the North Sea. No one I know has done a jet ski in the North Sea properly. Someone who's won the Price is Right

or something. People do it at holiday. You're like, in the North Sea? It's the most j Price is Right or something people do it at like holiday in the North Sea it's the most Geordie thing I've ever heard in my life it was just a fly

yeah I think a few of them used to get out because they like you'd hit the swells and you'd go on off the other side and the wave

would disappear and you'd fall and then you'd like wake up in an ambulance like class that again yeah give it to me again.

You've not been on a jet ski since? No, I went on one on my next holiday. I went on with the lads. I went on and it was just flat. I was a bit nervous on it. I was a little bit more respectful of the speed of the thing, but I've never been back on, like, fucking trying to do tricks like I was.

Like, doing jumps and that. Talking of, you know, that ironic death thing, I did um in my 20s i did those gigs for the troops once uh-huh where you're in like cyprus where basically the troops have been in afghanistan oh yeah like one day where they go on a banana boat in the day watch some comedy then before they go back to civilization you're supposed to civilize you know what i mean back to civilization is the wrong word i don't mean that i mean you said it i mean going back to...

Society. Yeah, well, I guess it's all... Everyday life. Everyday life, whatever. Decompression. Decompression, that's what it's called. But when I did it the week before, apparently a guy had come back

and he died on the banana boat. He fell off the banana boat. Oh, that's got to be... Oh, well, the fuck, I'd just been to Afghanistan. Yeah. And then he come back and died and saved us on the banana boat. Yeah. Oh, man. I hope they then he came back and died in Cyprus on the banana boat yeah

oh man I hope they told his family that he died in war I hope they were just like we'll fly the boat we'll fly his body back to Afghanistan you can come pick it there

that's it and also like shoot him three times in the chest now just so it looks like he take take the life vest off.

No, it doesn't look like a bulletproof vest. Take off his speedos. Take off his speedos. That looks weird. No, when he died, he was at war in speedos. His bulletproof vest was a life jacket. They literally only punctured it. He had his badge.

He didn't have his war badge. He had his 20-metre badge sewn in and his 20 metre badge you've nearly died loads I just realised oh yeah when you said the bull run bull run the bull run

the jet ski going up in Blythe just like where else I've smashed a car window in my face when I had a crash bounces

pinned him down put his head on the curb and stamped on his head to try and kill him I got fucking curb stomped by a doorman curb stomped American history

it's not quite I didn't bite the curb but he kicked his in the face with his boots on like bah do you want to hear the story of the time I almost died

Kai saved my life I don't know this story do I yeah this is we were in Melbourne in Australia and it was me Kai

and Gene and man I'm not proud of this but I fucking if I'm drunk or hungover can't be arsed 7-Eleven

Australian sausage rolls are just so easy you go in they're a dollar you get that cool ketchup packet they've got where you just push

the sides and it squirts directly and you want I have a problem where I man I just don't chew food enough like

just eat quickly no my brain will go three feels enough you'll be swallowing just inconvenient sized chunks

yeah and I know I should chew more but I just I don't and so I take a bite of this thing of course you don't he's putting out candles

he's getting his kid touching his dick he's just fucking pelican style eating. Yeah. Gets his people to chew his food. Gets his baby. There you go, have some of that. Pellican style eating. Opposite.

Yeah. Well, I was going to say this pelican would work, any other bird would be good because that would suggest someone else did chew it for me and then spewed it down. That would be ideal. Yeah, okay. It goes down my throat and it just lodges there and it's so firmly and i'm like oh that's a closed thing and i turn the jade and i'm pointing to my throat and she's like is it hot i'm like and she's like are you joking i'm like because you need to have if you're joking and i'm like i can't explain anything to you with my fucking windpipe block and i I'm like oh like that

like god his eyes were on stalks he was like total recall when he fucking his butt smashes oh my gosh couldn't have done that

and I turn around to him and I'm like do it and he's medical like first day trained he's given people CPR back to life before and I'm like

I don't know why I went to gene first to be honest just for a nurturing touch I guess and he's first thing he's like alright dick it

and fucking wellies my back it just he's first thing he's like alright dick it and fucking wellies my back it just hurts nothing helps and he's like alright next abdominals the first one you have to do that first

right and then you have to go yeah yeah yeah he didn't have to lick his palm first though I throw my elbow pad into the into the crowd

like the people's elbow now inside I've done the fucking big palm slap to the back it didn't work and then done the abdominal the Heimlich thing

the Mrs Doubtfire yeah I was going to say that way the line comes out of his mouth no he throws a line at someone's head that's different sorry different part of the movie

carry on it was a carry on movie no you know one of the stages because I haven't done like any of my first day of training

since like 2005 or something so it might be different now but the stage after you pass out is push it down and get it in your lung oh wow

oh really it's easier to put it in and just deal with that later so wait so the person passes out you do it like a breath you fucking breathe it

into their lung so you go like let's blow like a yeah get it in there they'll fucking have to operate on you and get the cunt hood but it may have

changed since that may be like can you believe they used to do that back in the day no I think that's right if it doesn't go out one way then you've

got to I'd much rather that than some cunt being like I watched no no I watched ER and I can do that

the tracheotomy yeah or like the way I always saw it done in TV shows is they just get a biro take the way I always saw it done in TV shows is they just get a biro

take the fucking pen bit out of it and they go and stab it through the neck I saw that

in something it was lost it was episode one of lost it's in the heat as well

it's very funny Sandra Bullock does that so you did the how many times did you have to do it

just once did it fly out no I remember specifically it came back up and it felt like it'd spew in. And weirdly enough, I was like, I don't want to spew in public. That's embarrassing.

Even though I've just had my life saved very publicly. And then the other part of my brain was like, I'll not let this sausage roll in. And then I chewed twice more. And then swallowed it. Yeah, yeah. Of course, you've got to swallow it. Like a dog.

That's what my dog does. He throws up and then eats it. Oh, that happened with... Caelan threw up and my dog does He throws up and eats it Oh that happened with Caelan threw up And my dog ate Caelan sick But it was all breast milk So now Peggy is addicted To the spewed of breast milk

And that's all she'll eat So I need to get the black market And get it to put on a kibble I mean we could just ask For an extra helping No no black market I'll get a discount Can I have some baby spewed breast milk please

from the dog what I can do is I can give you breast milk and there's baby I'll make him myself he'll throw up milk and he'll grab your dick he's a great baby so I've always wondered

what's the trick to it it's like up and under you don't do it on the ribs So I've always wondered What's the trick to it? Is there anything specific? It's like up and under Yeah, you don't do it on the I'll do it on the ribs And then one of the stages Because it's been a while since I've done it One of the stages is chest compressions

So you take back slaps and abdominals And then there's a chest compression And then you're like Ah fuck, I just blow it inside Aye I might have had a change, who knows Well we might have to do a Cara's looking into

Baby first aid courses She said it to me She's like, is might have to do a Cara's looking into baby first aid courses she said it to me she's like is this mental to do and I'm like 100% it's mental but I am also as mental as you are now

you don't want to kill your baby yeah it's got to be the biggest fear if I had a baby I'd be so worried about dying all the time and you worry this part of your brain

just goes off and like you know when you're walking across a bridge and that weird part of your brain goes jump jump what if you were to jump imagine that times a thousand but it's just you're praying what if you were to jump imagine that times a thousand

but it's just about and then what if I much higher stakes yeah what if I drop the baby what if I randomly threw the baby what if I get it

fucking wrong people section themselves into mental hospitals for the intrusive thoughts that happen with a baby I think they're just intrusive I had the weirdest one

the other day with Hannah because she doesn't always sleep well sometimes she has insomnia but she had an audition so she had to have a good night's sleep and I would wake up earlier than her the other day with Hannah because she doesn't always sleep well sometimes she has insomnia but she had an audition so she had to have a good night's sleep

and I would wake up earlier than her the other day I was awake and I was like oh good she slept before the audition but it was like

6.30 or 7 I was like she didn't want to sleep but I just thought how funny would it be to just shout in her face wake up like that

I literally started laughing to myself just in bed I was just like there smiling and laughing that would literally she would hate me so much she'd never forgive you

I just couldn't I just don't know why I just couldn't get the thought of like I could literally just like make her hate me all day by doing this and it would just

the look in her eyes she'd be so fucking scared and you'd never be able to justify it and you're like it was just it was funny in my head it was just like

yeah but luckily you had the other voice going nah different boy don't do that and then the other voice going pussy well I think the important thing about intrusive thoughts is you have to understand Yeah, but luckily had the other voice going, don't do that. And then the other voice going, pussy. Well, I think the important thing about intrusive thoughts

is you have to understand they are incredibly normal and they don't make you mental. It's like our brains, you know. You're the filter, not the thought. Yeah, yeah. And for thousands and millions of years, we were always looking around for dangers and we've only ever been like safe as a species

for anything up to like 2 000 years and our brains haven't fully developed not to imagine the worst case scenario all the time and obviously it's not oh something's hunting me i'm gonna eat but now it's stuff like am i gonna be shit at this i'm gonna get hit by a random car i'm gonna get cancer for no fucking reason etc etc it's just that's why stoicism, we mentioned earlier, is a good thing to practice. You just can't control when you, have you been reading stuff on stoicism?

A little bit, yeah, about getting in between emotion and reaction. Yeah. I've actually been reading some good stuff on it. The one thing I don't love about it is it basically, one of the things I've been reading is guys like, just,

if you always are prepared for stuff to go shit, then you won't ever be upset, which is kind of a negative ways of your life. But the other stuff of just like, just can't, just can which is kind of a negative ways of your life but the other stuff of just like just can't just can't control most things

so don't stress about it is I think it's it's always that thing when I'm like I'll read it in a good mood and like

I'm going to put that into practice and then something happens that's out of my control and I'm raging and that bit goes remember stoicism and I'm like

oh fuck off and die I'm busy yelling at this person who works at Edinburgh Airport. Calm down, please. Yes, that's true. It's the doing it all the time thing. Can't do it.

If you are a true stoic, you would be devoid of personality. Because none of your emotions would get through. You'd step between your emotions and your reaction all the time. And that would probably get in the way of half the charm of what makes you you and I love watching documentaries whenever there's little bits you see monks

who are zen and they've got to that level and I'm like it's so fascinating and I do generally find it interesting that people are able to commit their life to that, I would talk to one for two minutes and I'm like would this be enlightening, they'll be like oh it's class I'm like yeah I thought so and I don't care about your opinions on anything else

I'm being honest like you know you watch Breaking Bad do you enjoy that well they do actually do weirdly when I was in the Philippines on our honeymoon

Hannah's got like loads of obviously Filipino relatives and then one of them he was like oh nice to meet you but I'm going to go move to a monastery

in the mountains so Benny Boo no no not Benny but he has done that but this Filipino guy and he's like I'm taking a

vow of silence so and I was like ah he said the words I've taken a vow of silence no no

he says when I go to the mountains to do this thing be what's it called a monk and

all this and it was kind of a Christian version of it but he went anyway it's a vow of silence so

I guess I said to him well I guess well I'll never get to speak to you again he goes no I'm on Facebook that's fine

so he found a loophole in it so he can message he can chat on Facebook I think the whole point of the Vow of Silence is like totally negated

by being able to use Facebook yeah of course you're not giving your brain the piece is it a bit like no sex before marriage but people do

people up the bum that's like the loophole that's the monk equivalent of that Facebook is people up the bum that's like the loophole that's the monk equivalent to that Facebook is the up the bum version of talking that's actually quite accurate

imagine the Lord just like out of an idea in the crossword and then he sees someone shagging and he's like fucking hey

I'm gonna oh no it's up the arm zoom in zoom in okay wait hold on it's just a girl

doing that right yeah that's fine that's fine that's fine as long as it's just aye aye okay fair enough

well I'm here anyway it's funny thinking of god having just an ipad as well that's just zoomed in too far too far too far oh god i didn't make it look like that did i oh you must get sent some very sorry this is linked to bumholes now but you must get sent some very odd um in that folder the dm message request do you ever look in the message request section occasionally like i often a nightmare no no my fans are relatively sound and like i did when the netflix stuff originally came out and like it was the i did go in and i was like let's just see what's available out there and there were a couple of like random nudes from ladies which i was was like, I didn't say thank you,

but because I don't want to engage with them, but you know, you take a look and you go, that's great. You got unsolicited tidpics. I did not know they existed. Well, here's what I just know existed.

I think this was a bot, but I am, you know, when it goes, it's blurred the image. Yeah. And I'm like, a morbid curiosity.

I want to see what the blurred thing is. And it was just the most zoomed in photo of a woman's bum hole. Like literally so tight. Yeah. But I was like, that's good. That's for someone out there. Yeah.

But that's not, is that what, you know when someone goes, I'm a bum guy, not a boob guy. I don't think they mean like that. They don't mean the inside track. I like a good bum hole.

But right in there. I mean, I'd like to see the rest of the arse but like you know like you can't you can't really gender

a bum hole yeah I do need to zoom out before I'm like can you gender a bum like his hair yeah I mean you know

not every bum but I reckon I would have I think I would 60, 70 I feel like a section on the podcast if I was on YouBet gender the bum

with Matthew Kelly yeah and it had girls bums boys bums I reckon I'd trust we scored I don't know actually bum holes though I'm not as confident as you

I mean obviously if you saw a ball sack I saw a ball sack just poking out the bottom pause the podcast I'll go get a picture of 8 guy bums and 4 guy bums

4 girl bums and we'll do it right there it's not it's not I'll be real quick you're actually doing that yeah

pause it well you can just snip out the silence here or me and Kai can fill it yeah let's say how do we well it's gone into

a horrible it started horrible it's going to end horrible I don't think we need to do this part of the podcast especially for an audio medium because you've got people watching us but

they can't watch the bumholes. So that means we're going to have to send the bumholes to Brett. Oh do we? I mean like yeah

there's so many implications on play and like I'm really losing confidence now. It means we're going to have to send the bumholes

to Brett. What a sentence. Now that we're actually. We're going to have to send the bumholes to Brett. Brett, I know

Brett, he likes the bumholes. Right, set it up for the Patreon episode. sentence now that we're actually you're gonna have to send a bomb off to Brett Brett I know Brett he likes a bomb off yeah right set it up for the set it up for the Patreon

episode guys join up sign up for the Patreon we want to see Kai put his money where his

mouth is guy butt girl butt we'll make it we'll make it if anybody can send us a jingle for girl butt

guy butt or your girl butt or guy butt send it through if you want to be on the podcast if you want to be on the podcast take a If anybody can send us a jingle for girl butt, guy butt. Or your girl butt or guy butt. Send it through if you want to be on the podcast. If you want to be on the podcast. Take as gender neutral picture of your butt as possible and send it to Sloss and Humphries.

How do I know what it is? Muggins and Cream at gmail.com. Oh, Muggins and Cream at gmail.com. Muggins and Cream at gmail.com. If you want to be on guy butt, girl butt. Right? I reckon like... There's obviously going's going to be

non-binary as well no no so we're only talking to cis men and cis women to play guy

just to keep the parameters yeah for this because and then I'm sorry you're not inclusive I'm sorry

I'm sorry for being exclusionary. If he gets to, we don't know what we're doing. Yeah, if he gets, if he gets over 90% of the right, then we'll get gender neutral butts in,

and non-binary, and butts that are bloke on Mondays and Tuesdays, and go once on Wednesdays and Thursdays, we'll do it. All the butts. We are the first podcast to solicit nudes from our listeners. Yeah. It's never been done before.

Change the game. Flame emoji done before it's changed the game flame emoji flame emoji changing the game do you have a podcast that's never been done before why would anyone listen to that after

well because they listen to this shit I know they regularly do yes Stockholm Syndrome that's true that's true

it's good I bet your listeners these can't listen to fucking anything and most of them are fucking sound like they'll actually do Stockholm Syndrome that's true it's good I bet your listeners these cunts will listen to fucking anything and most of them are fucking sounds like they'll actually these do translate

into like ticket sales they're really cool we'll hang out with them after shows I just now know when you next go on tour you're definitely going to get someone

like leave a leave a like a sort of printed out bum hole for you as long as it's a girl butt hole mate I want to see them

take any bum hole if it's a nice bum it's so exclusion to see any bum hole if it's a nice bum it's so exclusionary it's got to have the bum the full bum

yeah the full bum with the hole Chris talking about you were one of the because everybody's got

a podcast now literally everybody and we feel like we're early adopters because we're

like 2016 we started doing this podcast and we feel like everyone's got it now but you're like we did it before it was cool you were literally so long ago you

were literally the first people i knew of doing a podcast in the uk yeah apart from like ricky gervais and yeah did they and richard herring before us yeah shit what i don't know what that 2008 maybe wow maybe me and carl donnelly did one it's it was very basically I mean I feel like I'm in the sort of northern Scottish version of the podcast which was bumholes came up a lot

yeah correct knobs and ice cream also came up a lot we spoke about we spoke about knob we spoke about knob did you speak about cum we didn't

yeah we'd come there was a lot of debate because Carl Donnelly who Brett who's doing used to work with oh no

it's not brett vincent doing this all right different brett we don't get professional agent brett vincent when he went when we got sent brett the bumholes i was like i think he's i mean but maybe it's a nice break from booking diaries i don't know but um who wouldn't want a nice bubble to break up the diary booking process um carl we'd have a lot of debate that he didn't always wash his hands after masturbating. And I said, that's disgusting.

And he said, well, if I don't get jizz on it, it's fine. That was really the podcast for about 10 years. Yeah, I'm undauntedly sad too. It's weird, I've never really thought about it until now. But I am left-handed, so if I'm shaking people's hands, that's safe as fuck.

I do. I wash my hands apart from the occasional one in ten finger up there and that's our podcast that's our podcast

no no no he's got to plug his podcast doesn't he he's got to he gives a shit no one cares it's called

getting my I do a podcast now called getting my dad to say I love you where I talk to people and I need to get you guys on for the next series but I want to be on this one first

before I advise you that's not why just you know busy people getting my dad to say I love you where I talk to comedians actors, writers about relationships

with our parents to see if their parents have ever said I love you to them and also to see why we're all fucking weird and we need to be loved and why we need to feel feel like we need to talk about assholes and wanking so much um and we're doing the french come see it