Sloss and Humphries On The Road - The Bubble Wrap Alleyoop

Episode Date: January 19, 2022

Muggins and Cream pull off a hefty round trip Americans would even be proud of, getting them home to bed shortly before the builders woke them up, so in a sleepy daze the boys dive into your Monday podcast and have quite a good old laugh

Good podcast, fuckers. Thank you for listening to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Hey, we were actually kind of on the road this time, but not in a good way. We did a 13-hour round trip down to Cambridge and back and got four hours of sleep. So we laugh a lot during this podcast, but whether it's actually funny is, as always your judgment um but you know we we we

laugh i thought we we we stood up for step parents mainly step mums that was nice what we were that was a new version of wokeness from us i know you were bored of all just the standard fucking tory bashing and tiptoeing around trans issues that we do so we were like you know what balls on the walls we like stepmums I ranted about poetry because it's shite and jazz because it's also shite and then I mean you know the podcast

and then we spoke shite and none of this introduction is relevant but we're still forced to do it because it's because you I don't know well apparently it does stuff people listen to it and it makes them know what's in the episode because it's because you I don't know well apparently it does stuff people listen to it and it makes them know what is in the episode and it's it's it's better it's what it's an appetizer apparently because I disagree because I like I listen to what the fuck with

Mark Maron and I always skip this bit I fucking hate this bit of his podcast I'm like I don't want to listen to just you talk like that's fucking ugh no offense if you're listening to Mark Madden Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream, that's our intro fuckin' muggles, ticklin' the clit inside

your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats? that's hack aww muggles accidental rim job in the park, kiss kiss same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? So we pulled off my cunning plan to go to Cambridge and back in one day. Were we still calling it cunning? It was cunning, but I didn't realise there was a huge, huge flaw in my cunning plan. Which is? That you had builders in. Aye. So we get back at four in the morning.

It was after four. Aye, just after. Because I remember noticing that you were having a bong at 4.20. Aye. And that's the only reason why I was up at that time. I was like, look, I've got to do it. You've got to respect it. It's 420 every day.

I'm a real G. Both 420s every day. I do both of them. That's how much. He does 240. I do 240. Yep. Yep.

That's just after I go to the dentist. I go to the dentist first. Is that the Geordie dentist? Aye. It's 230. Aye. I don't think it has to The Geordie dentist Aye It's 2.30 Aye I don't think it has to be Geordie for the joke

40 I don't think it has to be Geordie for the joke To work Hot Because you would say It hurts Which is 30

Or hot Which is 40 Oh Right I see 240 Right I got you So

Not only have you Not only have you Got builders in But what are your builders doing? My fucking nutting? No, they're doing our own suite. And also, we've got other builders in to do our downstairs and we're getting a bit of the back garden done. So, not only were they taking the day out on your old bathroom

At heavy REM sleeper clock But because it's the bathroom They've turned all the pipes off And what did you not prepare ahead for? I wasn't here That takes zero blame for this It's my useless Pregnant fiancé's fault

Fat lazy cow Forgot to get any water. I mean, I don't drink dear coffee enough to notice or give a shit. I found the smallest amount of water on the bed of the kettle. You know where it doesn't boil, it fizzes in the kettle. And I was like, hey, heavily pregnant woman, do you need this vital fluid of life? I can use the last of your water to make a coffee.

Only reason that water was in there was because Troy who's already gone came down this morning with a bottle of water and made himself a cup of tea

and then I went up and offered the builders I was like do you want a cup of that yeah we'd love a cup of milk

and two I go downstairs I'm like you know the water's off why would you ask for a fucking cup if you know so I

had to fucking pull out of Troy's water bottle just pour it in, thanks man, yeah great took it up and they were just like aye I wonder if they were not expecting me to come back up with the thing or whether

they're just so new that I think they were just doing a game the other day just a little subtle prank could you go get us a long stand one of them aye but maybe not one of them Aye Aye But maybe not I've won them over

Because trainees always Respect me I don't know if I've ever Ever I feel like I've told A story recently But I don't know If it was on the podcast

About the boy Who was sent to get Bubbles for the spirit level And he came back with them He came back with Bubbles for the spirit level Just bubbles Huh

We gave him three pound Out of petty cash Aye Sent him to the shop For bubbles for the spirit level. Just bubbles? We gave him three pound out of petty cash, sent him to the shop for bubbles for the spirit level. And the guy took his petty cash and cut him six squares out of the bull wrap. Sent him back. Class. Well done, well done, that bloke. We were like, how are we going to account for this petty cash?

I've literally got to fucking find three quid to put back in the petty cash. I worked half an hour for nothing, didn't I? Fucking absolutely

fair play to the bloke that caught the thing who's just like, all right, boys, I'll join in on your prank. Welcome to the alley-oop.

The bubble wrap alley-oop, that's what I're calling the podcast Aye I'm kind of tired Aye This is a morning podcast Because we were like We'll do the podcast After the antenatal class

Which is what Like one o'clock Half one until Half one Fucking three But then aye Aye I heard tiles smashing

Next to my head Next to my head Aye It's The antenatal class we've got to say Is on painkillers and stuff But I don't think they're going to be wanting to hear My marijuana story It's about the woman's painkillers and stuff

And it's like My approach to All of the pregnancy is And I've said this to her I'm like I'm going to have myself I'm going to have opinions around you, out loud, and you

can take them on board or you don't it makes no difference, I'm very aware that my vote doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, like it's your body, I've got opinions It's unimportant but frequent No, but like sometimes you want somebody else's opinion, so I'm just like that's all I'm doing, I'm just saying my opinion out loud so you know what the word is, but sometimes you want somebody else's opinion. So I'm just like, that's all I'm doing. I'm just saying my opinion out loud

so you know what the word is. But if you decide to go, okay, and it's gone, I don't mind. I'm just going to say the things once and see what happens. But one of the ones that I'm definitely saying with them once, I'm like, just take all of the drugs. Just whatever they offer you,

just go, uh-huh, that, and let them do it. Because she's already at the point where she's not one of these women that's like, you know, I feel one with the baby and it's the journey itself. It's as beautiful as the moment of pushing it out

and I want to feel every strain and every limb that comes out of me. Does she feel rubbed? She's not feeling that. Oh, does she feel like every woman that says this is a fraud? That one. The second one. Yeah, she's like, they're all full of shit

or they're mentally deranged and it's nothing else. So... But just... If you hate it... You know, if she's hated it as much as she has and it's not been fun, then, I mean, one of the plus sides of it man they inject drugs

right into your fucking spine is that the epidural right into your fucking spine is that the epidural that's an aesthetic that just numbs you

from the waist down yeah they're just like it's gonna be a fucking nightmare down there so we're just gonna turn the bottom half of you off

you're just the you're just the cop off family guy now I just yeah but just for four hours here's some perspective for you. It's like, right in the spine,

legs gone, enjoy that. Man, like I, I don't think I've ever. I take an epidural for a shit sometimes. Can't come out, lads,

I'm having a shit this afternoon. And then I can't play five or six. I've got a shit plan for six. What are you doing tomorrow? I'm going around to a class to sign this cast I had a shit yesterday it was real brutal real violent

yeah yeah I'm on a cast I hope I got my leg in a split in this situation didn't say leg I broke my arm no it could be your arm I broke my arm having a shit

you can cast any part of the body who shits I broke my arm You can cast any part of the body Who sits near a swan You can cast any part of the body You can get a dick cast I don't think it would do anything It just might be a bit better for Natalie Just a bit more girth A bit more useful

I was also talking to Cara about this She Both of us have never actually been in hospital for medical reasons, like I've been in hospital when my mum broke her back and obviously for the birth of all of her children

well no I guess I was there for my birth and my dad got some sort of minor surgery at one point and I had to pick him up when he was drugged up afterwards and then you're six, you're just in that like kind of

red bodied yellow topped car just him strapped at the top like a Texan that found some roadkill that I'm just going to bump you just Fred Flintstone your sick dad doing the fucking M1.

Don't do the M1. You're taking him from your childhood home in Kingston up to his family home in Thurso in your fucking playgroup car. So we've just never been... I've been to hospital to get my eye taken out. Aye. And they still put it back in wrong.

They put it back in, point in the right direction. Aye. And I've been in to have me... Just put it, just... And then... They shanked it off, they said. Aye. We're not going to buy it.

Aye, that's what, that's fucked actually, now that you mention it. Thumbed somebody back in keep that keep that we'll take the other one I need that one I was awake for the whole thing

you just before just before they did it you were like can I get my eyes numbed and he just leaned forward and kissed your eye and went num num num num

he gave us a reverse epidural to take me out to take me out he limped us from the waist up oh I just thought you made

he put something in your spine that made you feel everything we're gonna double this pain straight up so what did you do I put on Guantanamo beer shit we're gonna double this pain straight up

so what did you have to do Guantanamo Bay shit just so you could get a price on me aye

you tell this guy it was like an old PlayStation game for a trash bag you could

tune not even three but at the same fucking rate that game station trades in

games you go in with like 17 games and they're like £3.15 you're like the plastic costs more

than that yeah I'll get more for recycling man I could upcycle this into some sort of carton and get more money from it I could sell this

on fucking Etsy or something so did they actually take the eyeball out of your head aye they took the they cut the muscle

and then took a bit off because it was too much. No. They were like, this guy's got too much, he's too hench in his eye. He's got too much muscle,

this guy. And they took, they snipped the muscle and then stitched it back together, popped my eye back in and then went, hey, going on your way?

And I was like, ah, that feels like I've got sand in my eye all of the time. And they're like, yeah, we did. Did you not want the sand off, Richard? Did you not want the sand? Fuck, sorry, man.

We thought it was like a vajazo for your eye, but we ran out of glare, so we just rolled it around. What do you think the S stands for in NHS? Non-hydrated sand? Isn't that all sand? I guess the bed of the ocean. Oh, no, I guess it is Pretty hydrated I don't think

I'm not scared of Horsepoles in any Way You've never been on Halloween? I can kind of understand the... Not even the one off Silent Hill. If you have grown up in a hospital because you were a family member in Brazil,

obviously there's negative connotations. And if a lot of your friends or whatever died, you were like... But you've only got happy memories from flaunting in the hospital, have you? No, no, but I don't have... No, no, no no but yeah fucking childbirth

and like you know and going in and getting fixed or just minor surgery I don't have the it's a your sister being put down no she was she died at home

that's doing a bit oh right she's like you can't put people down to die even those ones yeah put people down to Daniel even those ones yeah like you get some people that

are just like oh you know I don't like I don't like I have a friend that does like hospitals because it's just like

that's where people die and I'm like yeah only if that's how like limited your imagination is like people die everywhere like you're not

driving down the M1 going like that's as common a child in a playgroup dad on the roof um i so i had my eyeball took out and put back in they wouldn't take a photo even though like at the time the flip phone the voda you remember the original voda phone flip phones with the camera on and then you're like

I remember like feeling like I was in fucking Star Trek or something because I would put my hand in front of the phone and I would see my hand on the screen and then I would move my hand

and then like a second later my hand moves on the screen and I'm like whoa I was like can you take a video on this and use up

like all my memory with a six second video plug it into this usb i just need to back it all up yeah i remember the first time video phones came out and i mean this is already sound old just because time has passed but that is going to be me telling my kids i was thinking this the other day we were watching i can't remember what marvel movie we were watching oh yeah i was re-watching spider-man and i just like at one point i can already feel in my bones right within the next seven years at one point i'm gonna turn around to my son and be like you know uh there was a time i remember the

first marvel movie came out we were like this is great this is mad he's gonna be like shut the fuck up do you know how many times i've heard this story and do you know how little i don't give a shit yeah i've heard the story of my dad going to see empire strikes back so many times and the thought it was real and now you're just like you can see the man's hand holding the ship ah yeah he's making a but like he also goes as i remember when like because like they always talk about how genuinely big the twist in the movie was you know look i am your father like but like at the time when that came out people first of all that twist didn't exist that's only pop culture now but back then they were like what the fuck mind-blowing and at one point i'm gonna be like but just trying to make my son watch

it and then just the bit where robert downey j. says I am Iron Man and it's just me crying and then it's just like he's like dad it's not like it's the world's moved on so far dad there's way more stuff out they also that was like

seven Iron Mans ago like they've recast several times that was the guy who got cancelled playing him he got cancelled

before Iron Man saved his career has he actually Johnny Johnny Depp Johnny Depp Johnny Depp Jr. he got cancelled before Iron Man saved his career has he actually? Johnny Depp Johnny Deppie Jr his career was over because he was like a really good young actor and then was like

oh man he loved cocaine, god he loved it it was one of his favourite things he almost loved it more than his wife and then his wife was like I need you to love me more than cocaine he was like that's going to be a

that's going to be a real tough shift love but you're going to have to let me do you in the bathroom way more if you love your if you love cocaine more than your wife right that means you you haven't loved your wife

enough or you love cocaine too much because it should be a fucking no-brainer like it should just be like oh yeah my wife duh but maybe you've got a really dull wife and maybe the only time you can bear talking to her is on coke aye anyway you can get a word in but yeah i think his career was over i think he pissed so many people off. And then his wife was like, don't go and not do coke anymore. And he was like, all right.

And then he got Ironman. And then made that. I do think that's good. But that's not like him surviving a cancellation. That's him dealing with his struggles. Well, I think he was like, not necessarily. But he was sort of written off. It was like, he's that old.

He wasn't cancelled. Charlie Sheen did. Aye. But like, oh's that old it wasn't cancelled Charlie Sheen did aye but like oh yeah god what is Charlie Sheen doing now I don't know probably heroin

aye I mean I did look I know it's not it's not a nice thing to say but there are just sometimes when you see a celebrity

going through a rough time and you're like I wouldn't mind if you you know I'm not wishing it on you but like but if you were 2016 casualties yeah you'd be the one i'd stop i'd stop to grieve for the least yeah but if if the if the next time i asked what's that person up to notice and somebody went they died i think i'd go oh costa did oh, that makes sense. I know.

I've got a real feeling for Charlie Sheen, I don't think. I do. I didn't watch enough Two and a Half Men to hate him, and I love Platoon. Yeah, I just hated the way he... I hate anyone that makes that much of a public full of themselves. Because whenever I do something embarrassing, I think about killing myself constantly.

So the fact when I see other people being just embarrassing all the time and then not wanting to kill themselves, I'm like, okay, I'll have those feelings for you then. Like if that doesn't fucking, like remember the fucking World Cup, right? When Maradona was just coked out of his fucking nut,

screaming, was making an absolute disgrace for himself. In that moment- Anything with Conor McGregor in right now yeah oh I was just like well I don't mind if you die now

like you've embarrassed yourself so much for me that that's my most recent memory of you and it's not a pleasant one and I think you're just alright you could have

you could have had a legacy alright and now you're just somebody who you could have been in the 27 club and everyone would idolise you

as your prime self but you stayed ruined you stayed alive beyond your prime self. But you stayed... Ruined it. You stayed alive beyond your fucking peak. Like, we never got to see Kurt Cobain do Just Eat adverts.

Right? Right, that's why there's a legacy for him. Two-packing and selling insurance. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and at no point, you know, were they just coming out with...

Amy White, well, mind you, I guess Amy White is a bad example because she was one but I definitely I hated her because of her constant breakdowns and then all you have to do is watch one documentary

and you're like oh fair enough watching the Gaza documentary fucking pulled my heart strings that was that was fucked what happened to him

he had a couple of things one was he had childhood trauma where he was taking his best friend's younger brother to football

and they were like shoplifting and they fucking ran out of the shop and the younger brother ran into the road and got knocked out and died

in his custody while he was the responsible one making him shoplift as a kid as a kid the fucking naughty things that you've done as a kid

never get punished that hard aye aye it still results in your mate's brother's death well I guess your mate's brother's death well I guess your mate's death

very odd if Gaz Gaz just does tell the story as my mate's younger brother I'm like just say your mate just say your mate I barely got to know him

let's be honest I got fucking out of him a couple of years so he had that to live with as he come through but then what it was

that fucking sent him out of the edge was it was the birth of phone tapping. Oh, aye. So he would lock himself in a hotel room, right, so that the fucking journalists couldn't get to him. And he'd make a phone call to his dad and tell his dad something and then read it in the paper the next day.

And then he'd write his dad off. His dad's a snake and his dad's selling stories in the paper the next day and then he'd write his dad off and his dad's a snake and his dad's selling stories at the paper and he fucking murdered his relationship with all of his family members for for betraying him uh even though it was it was just and it was just that people were listening to his phone but that wasn't even conceived at the time that wasn't an option that someone could listen to your phone call and uh and it drove him fucking mad and drove him away from all his family and all that and when you you think of, like, having that happen to him and losing everybody and losing Ali's support structure and all that, like, you just can't...

Oh, fuck, you see that shell of a man when he's fucking hammered turning up with a fucking bucket of chicken and a fishing rod to row the boat and you're like, aye, he got made that way. Aye, aye, that wasn't... Yeah, that wasn't your own doing. Yes, aye. Yeah, you kind of just go, well, if that was me, I'd just stop drinking. Aye, and I agree, because I do,

look, I did have sympathy for, obviously, once you, you know, I did have sympathy for Amy Winehouse in the end. I was like, oh, I do feel... I haven't seen the documentary about her, I don't really... Oh, how is this just, I mean, she was just, I fucking hate her music.

Right, so I think that was another thing. But just, back to black... Do you hate Lady Gaga's music? Do you like A Star Is Born with Bradley Cooper? I don't hate it. Right. But, like, would I watch it again? Yes. Would I go out of my way to watch it?

Nah. Like, I think Lady Gaga... Amy Wine is a good singer, but just... It's like, like man jazz musicians are talented I'll acknowledge that I don't want to listen to

a fucking millisecond of it every minute same with Amy Wine I just fucking hate that back to Black Song your face when we landed rehab

fucks me off your face when we landed in New Orleans airport and they were scutting and doing jazz in the airport while you were waiting for your local junior

at a hangover I would have rather I would have rather landed in an airport when you're waiting for your luggage and you're at a hangover. I would have rather, I would have rather landed in an airport and fucking seen ISIS there. I would have honestly rather seen... I always think this place is vibing, everyone's getting in the mood, people are buzzing to be landing in New Orleans

and then there's just you and your fucking face was dead. Fucking jazz, man. I mean, I know I've had this rant several times, but it's just the lowest form of music. Do you do requests? No, I just make it up. Oh, I've actually got a favourite song.

I bet you do. Be-de-be-ba-ba-ba-ba. Shut the fuck up. Just play a song. Play a song someone knows. Do you think it's the music equivalent of that breed of Noel Fielding generation that watched someone being random

and then tried to replicate being random. Yep, yep, 100%. It's the ninjas and unicorns and rainbows of the music world. Yep. And it's just, who gives a fuck? Like, there's obviously talent in it, but why would your talent be... It's like if you were the most talented fucking artist

yeah I'm from the country where they invented bagpipes yeah but I don't man when was the last time you heard me listening to bagpipes

this morning man you're turning up so that you can drone up the builders I was trying to sleep man man

if you landed in Edinburgh airport and there was a fucking bagpiper in the hallway I'd break his fucking neck touche I'd hallway i'd break his fucking neck i'd be like none of that none of that mate stop that immediately these are guests in our country

like you're allowed to walk down you're allowed to walk down fucking princess street and hear bagpipes going because you're like oh well that's nice that's the background music you don't get to force that shit on people and also I've got nostalgia about like I like bagpipe music for 10 minutes at a time when you're like oh this just reminds me of

I'll stop and look if there's like flames looking out of it on a street performance but no jazz itself is just I remember I went on a date with a girl

it was like I think it was like a third or fourth date like so we you know banged a couple of times and it was like that stage where you're like oh well you know banged a couple of times and it was like that

stage where you're like oh well you know how often we're gonna see each other is there any future in this she was like i'm gonna pick the place uh for our date uh and it's my favorite bar and i think it's gonna be a real testament because it's sort of left field and if you don't like it then there really is no future in our in our relationship ha ha. And I turn up and it was the jazz bar. I turned around. I was like, we're not seeing each other after today. Is that the one on Chamber Street? Aye.

I'm like, if you want it, I'll come in here with you. I'll fucking drink the whiskey. And if you want last, one last good time bang. Let's fucking do it. But if this is the drawing line in the sand woman, I will see you fucking later. Because no sex, no sex is worth this becoming my regular place.

Wow. Were you not like in that place to score? This place is very important to me. This is the first place that me and my best man, my best friend, my tour companion, Kai Humphries gig together. Is that true?

Yes. What you don't remember? It was before the game of football that we played. Keith Farnham was on as well. I remember Keith on. You left before Adam Rice did. I do vaguely remember that. But it's also where Clare Baird worked.

I just fucking hate it's all the worst instruments it's all the worst it's all the it's all the instruments that everyone who had should have had the shit

kicked out of them in high school played just suddenly allowed to do it in a basement while a bunch of other nerds who should have had the shit kicked out of them in high school go

yeah skee-ba-dee-bee ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba yeah just sing a song just oh the fucking oh poetry and music ugh making up

poetry that doesn't rhyme that's what it is it's the poetry that doesn't rhyme of music the music that doesn't scan aye and I know I've done my poetry rant

so many so many fucking times and man people get real defensive like turns out people are there three lines of non rhyming drivel people read

that and go they get it tattooed on their bodies guy tell you what as well haikus can get the fuck no no I'm with you I'm with you I'm just gonna say at least in haikus there's some measure of

here's a form you have to stick to so it requires some type of skill the same skill as making an acronym it's like it was that game

I nearly said Shenmue but it definitely wasn't Shenmue Ghost of Tsushima aye there was like a certain like you fucking racist you fucker

here he is okay he's getting cancelled all Japanese games look the same you heard it here first oh fucking hell, all right. What was that game, Soul Calibur?

You fucking monster. Oh, no. Ghost of Tsushima, you had to write haikus. It's one of the, like, kind of completionist levels of it. What are you looking up there? I'm looking up the best poems. The best poem of all time, is that what you googled? Yeah, right, here we go. So this is The Wasteland by T.S. Eliot. Isn't he the one that wrote Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe? Oh, perhaps. Or is that not F. Scott Fitzgerald? No, F. Scott Fitzgerald

wrote Great Gatsby, that horrific, horrific pile of shit. One of the worst. T.S. Eliot. Lion. No, it's that. Why not The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, isn't it? It is, yeah. Oh no, no, C.S. Lewis.

No, it's definitely not C.S. Lewis. Close in the sense that it was two letters. Oh, here he is. Two initial guys, all the same. No, I get, look, T.S. Eliot and C.S. Lewis and C.K. Louis. Those are things I get confused all of the time. April is the cruelest month breeding. Lilacs out of the dead land mixing.

Memory and desire stirring. stirring dull roots with spring rain winter kept us warm covering earth and forgetful do i do i just read over do you stop at the end of a line or do you read it like it's a fucking sentence april is the cruelest month perform it oh it's apr April's cruelest month. Breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire. Stirring dull roots with spring rain. Winter kept us warm,

covering earth in forgetful snow. Feeding a little life with dried tubers. Say it again. Summer surprises coming over the... Starnberg jergoozies. With a shower of rain, we stopped in the colonnade and went on in sunlight

Into the hofgarden What the fuck is Am I just This is just What's a hofgarden? I don't know It's just some kind Is that the best poem

That's ever been written? No it's one of them Okay here's another one E.E. Cummings Who is the one That wrote Lion, the witch and the wardrobe E.E. Cummings

That's it Cheeky Roy Wrote the Lion, the witch and the wardrobe Is it E.E. Cummings. That's it. Cheeky Roy. Wrote the line, Witch of the Wardrobe. Is it E.E. Cummings? Your mum's cum sound. E.E. I'm coming, Kev. I just felt wrong.

I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it anywhere I go with you, my dear. And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling. I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet.

I want a world for beautiful, you are my world, my true. And you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing to you. Here is the deepest secret nobody knows. Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than the soul, can hope where man can hide. And this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart.

Fuck! Boring! Fuck! Who? With a fucking straight face, fucking... poor man can hide and this is the wonder that keeps the stars apart fuck boring fuck who with a fucking straight face fucking because you know how people read poetry right

they don't do it they don't do it like you do read a book where you're like I'll turn the page now and find what happens next what they do is they fucking sit there

and they read it right and then what they do is they put the book on their chest and they go hmm the wistfully ponder life. And then they'll get their little highlighter out and they'll highlight two lines and they'll go...

And they'll take it to that tattooist. Be 45 quid. Can you get this tattooed on my lower back so that some fucking sad man can read it while he rails me with the personality? I pretend I'm sorry. It's not just women that like poetry. Maybe a man got it tattooed on his lower back.

You know what? Huh? Do men get poetry tattooed on their back? Well, I mean, is it... Because, like, tramp stamps... Some men will. I think, like, as a pie chart, it would be a thin slice of pie. No, think the i think i think that the question i was too scared to ask but i

will ask it because i don't know whether it's because i'm getting older and i i don't really i'm like i know what i mean so if i say your big dream is taking shape well yeah so i don't know if it's that or whether it's me being like you know what i know what i actually mean that i'm less i'm less sensitive to other people's sensitivities like if I'm like I know this is coming from a non-bad place or even if it sounds ignorant

I know it's coming from an ignorant place as opposed to a malicious place but I don't know that's just how fucking old cunts feel all the time but like obviously

to us right you say there's tramp stamp and that's because there's a stereotype that there's a type of woman that has like a butterfly tattoo on her lower back

and it's just as it's like trampy woman are there trampy gays that do it like the real effeminate like is that is that a thing like is there a gay equivalent to a tramp stamp and it's probably just a tramp is it a tramp stamp yeah but it might be done with like a kind of layer of irony and a knowing layer of irony can you get an ironic tattoo i mean no no like i mean i've got one i've got a passport stamp that says naughty boys that's ironic that was just you being naughty boys i was just so i was being a naughty boy what i'm gonna get a drunken tattoo um you know that like latent bigotry that people have when they get older and they just start being bigots?

Like the Jews do. Do you think it's like... Do you think it's like when you've been working at a place and then you've put your notice in and it gets towards your last week and then your last day and then your last couple of hours of work and you just stop giving a fuck. You're like, what, are they going to defire us? Do you think when you get closer to death,

you're just like, oh, actually, you know what? Yeah, I think it's a bit of that. And I also think the older you get, the dumber you are to new technology that can convince you of false states of the world. So the reason old the reason boomers think cancel culture is this fucking epidemic going across the world is because one person will get cat and we all know what canceling actually fucking means one person will

get blowback from saying something online and the article will just be like this person got cancelled and the cancellation is just the constant fucking discussion of the thing three people didn't like the tweet nine people didn't like the tweet a hundred people online complained about the tweet all this furor only exists actually online most of the time yeah right but but the old people just see this fucking and they're like you can't say anything you know you remember that guy out in wisconsin six months ago said said tranny just said it in person and now he's dead. And you're like, man, that's one story that you're also being,

you know, triggered by here. I think there comes a point where you've been so, you've read so much of that in the media that you're like, oh, well. Just repeating what you've heard. Well, and also you're like, well, if you can't say anything anymore,

like, I'm going to fight the good fight. And opinions that you might not have had publicly before because you were like this is a bit iffy you're like well no I just don't care anymore I'll just have them out loud like it's a rebellion thing I think like that breed of people always look back

because like it's a different time back then I want to go back to that time as if like progress hasn't happened and we haven't made progress but I always like especially on social media they'll post pictures of like toys from my childhood and we haven't made progress but I always like especially on social media they'll post pictures of like toys

from my childhood and I'll remember these when time was better and that you're like day and night you can still get them things you can still buy them toys

they're way cheaper now because nobody wants them because there's better stuff like you can still live in the past if you want like if you want it's called being a hipster actually

are you just a hipster? We don't like those. Those get bullied a lot. Is that what you're after? Do you want bullied more, you old cunt? I can feel, because I can feel myself not necessarily getting

less liberal, but just like, previously in my life, I've always been very, very conscious and conscientious of what I'm saying and why I'm saying it. I've always said, I think you can joke about anything on stage, but part of joking about anything on stage is I will always ask, why are you joking about that?

What's the point? Are you just doing that because it's wrong and that's why it's funny? And I would sort of turn my nose up a little bit at that and then I think recently just taking a bit more time off from fucking stand up and also as much as I fucking I hate that

I'm going to admit it I fucking hate that I'm admitting this the new Louis CK special was good aye why are you admitting that out loud are we

aye I'm admitting that I'm admitting that out loud Daniel I'm admitting that on the podcast are we we Aye. I'm updating that out loud, Daniel. I'm updating that on the podcast, are we? We have to. Should we unpack this? Aye.

Should we unpack this? Because he's a bad man. I don't like what he did. No, I don't like what he did. I liked his stand-up before because I thought there was a level of self-awareness and irony to what he did. I thought it was a good stand-up. I liked his stuff. I thought it was silly. I thought it was fun you know, I thought it was a good stand-up.

I liked his stuff. I thought it was silly. I thought it was fun. But then I didn't like his stand-up anymore after what he did. I was looking back at his stuff and going, well, that coming from the man who he is

isn't as funny as that coming from the man I thought he was. And then he did his other special where he didn't really acknowledge it and he did, but not in the right way. And it just sort of felt like, oh man, have you learned anything? And as we discussed last week like some stuff was released

from his open mic stuff and you're just like oh man's just fucking grasping at the semblance of a career and then on because we had a fucking 12 and a half hour drive essentially well more than because we had stops for charging um you just like slipped it into conversation that somebody had put you on to listen to the louis yeah yeah and i was like why we're listening to that i was this research or we're researching here is that what we're doing what's the it's good and then you put it on you were just like let's just listen to it i'd already i'd already watched it once i'd like because i was told by someone and i was like they were like man if you liked his old stuff which i did they're like it's it's that

again and it's as good as that and i'm like man i'll i'm curious because you know i watched that special it sucked and i was like oh good and that's just reaffirmed in my head everything i wanted to feel about the world and that's like justification in its own way like he's also he's a bad man and now he's bad at stand up

and haha justice that would have been that would have been but life's complex life throws sometimes throws one of the best

specials that's ever been made in your face I don't know from someone that you've written on it was a thousand, and I know this isn't much of a barometer because people have already made their judgement on it, but it's hard to say.

It's a thousand times better than Chappelle's special. Oh, infinitely. Infinitely better. Yeah. Yeah. First of all, if you enjoyed Chappelle's special, first of all, you know he's not listening, right? You know you don't have to have that opinion publicly. He doesn't know. He's not listening to your opinions on don't have to have that opinion publicly he doesn't know he's not listening

to your opinions on his special you just just admit it was shit and he's not listening to your podcast

you didn't enjoy deep down you didn't think Dave Chappelle's last special was that good because it because it wasn't

was it it just wasn't he didn't really say anything I had a I had a strange reaction to it because the first time I watched it I don't a I had a strange reaction because the first time

I watched it I don't know if you've talked about this the first time I watched it I was high and I'd heard that it was super offensive and then I didn't find any of it that offensive I just thought it was like

meh it was like ah you know what whatever and then I watched it again and I was like actually this is bad stand up

mechanically mechanically it's bad stand up Louis CK's special it's just bits it's just really good silly dark bits. It's silly.

It has, like, shades of Pete Holmes to it. Aye. The elephant getting the MRI scan. Yeah. It's, like, fucking just funny bits, and I'm just like, oh, no. It's a guy that, like, tossed himself off to vulnerable women

that were trying to leave his hotel room. Aye. And he's still making jerk-off jokes as well. Then women would probably listen to it and go, that's kind of funny, but can we just not listen to it? Can we just not listen

to it, boss? I will tell you what I should have done. I should have illegally downloaded it. You give them a fiver. I don't. You tipped them. I think now I just, I think from my conscious what I should have done I should have illegally downloaded it you gave him a fiver I did you gave him you tipped him I think now

I have to I think now I just I think from my conscience I have to go and donate to like a women's charity yes I just gotta go

purge me soul maybe that's a good way of doing it right look if you want to go if you're able to separate it which I was you know I like stand up

I like stand up and I enjoy stand up from a person that I wouldn't want to spend any time with. And that doesn't make me feel great, but I've listened to it twice now, and it was good. I'll tell you who's special I'm genuinely fucking excited for.

I never thought these words would come out of my mouth like five years ago. I cannot wait for Adam Sandler's new special. Is he doing another one? I didn't even know he was, but fuck me, I was blindsided by his last one. Oh, it's just so good.

Just so really, really, really good. You made me feel bad for finding him cringeworthy previously. Aye. He's doing him. That's what he is. He's just doing his thing. That's who he is. That's what he does.

He's never tried to package himself as anything else. Yeah. It was just cool to not like him anymore, even though... No, I don't know. I think that... It was cool to avoid his films. No. Just...

Adam Sandler did Stinkers. Like, he's got a lot of Stinkers. How much did you just love him as a kid when you were growing up, as a teen? Aye. Well, I always did. It was... There was a cool... Big Daddy and Happy Gilmore and Waterboy and all that. And then all of a kid when you were growing up, as a teen? Well, I always did. It was, yeah, there was a cool...

Big Daddy and Happy Gilmore and Waterboy and all that. And then all of a sudden you're just like... It was cool to shit on him. Like, you know, when you start finding your parents uncool. Aye. And you get through that and then you come with the other end and you go, I was a bit of a bastard to my mum and dad back then. Now that I'm in my 20s and I'm growing up again.

And your parents are just like... I did that with Adam Sandler. I don't think I I I grew up loving him thought he was uncool and untrendy and then loved him again I don't think I ever don't like him

but it was just he was always a guilty pleasure and it wasn't I didn't find it a guilty pleasure but it was just cool to not like his movies or to make fun of his movies

and man he did do some fucking Jack and Jill was piping hot shite. No, I've avoided all their moments. Zohan wasn't good. I don't think I've seen Zohan.

That was, no, was he Zohan? Uh-huh. Was that not, no, definitely. Was that not Chuck Norris?

No. That wasn't Chuck Norris. Are you, is this a bit? It is a bit. Thank fucking God. I was looking for the name Rob Schneider. No, Rob Schneider was just Bigelow Have you seen Rob Schneider's stand up special?

No and won't It's worth it For the wrong reasons He was given a Netflix special That can't manage to fill 37 minutes That's how long it is How long does it feel? About an hour The cunt manages to fill 37 minutes That's how long it is Right

And in fact I think to even How long does it feel? About an hour It feels an hour That man Fucking Hates

Women Oh He He hates his wife He hates his daughters He hates his mother-in-law He fucking Hates women

And he smiles while he's doing the bits he fucking hates them here's the thing, how bad did mother-in-laws used to be? I know, aye, aye because when you say old comedy it's hinged on mother-in-law stuff I love my mother-in-law

I love your mother-in-law she's class even like previous relationships where I wasn't married so they technically were mother-in-law. I love your mother-in-law. She's class. She's class. And even like previous relationships where I wasn't married, so they technically were mother-in-laws, they were really nice to us and decent. Aye, all of my exes, except for one of my exes in high school whose mum was a fucking cunt.

Is it they were such dicks the mother-in-laws smelt it And hated the fact That they were with their daughter And gave them the bad view Of a mother-in-law Were mother-in-laws Nightmares back then No I think It was the boomer fucking generation

So it was like just everyone was Boring like they'd just come out world war ii like this is for the fucking reagan years in america it's all very like fucking you know center right uh fuck the communists uh and and we're going to be nice middle class people and you're nice and you're polite and drugs are bad drugs are bad things and you know alcohol's another way and we're good christians and it was sort of like that era so it was just they were you know i think i think like it's the comedians are making these jokes were also like fucking comedians in a world where everyone was like i want my daughter to

marry a lawyer or a doctor and not a thing and also i think you know what else could say really bad press step stepmothers have you watched porn fucking this is the rebrand stepmothers seem cool as fuck step like you

it's a rebrand they're rebranding they're on a PR offensive Disney did a number on them they're trying to rebrand

step stepmothers are fucking sound man I've never I went from different generations on a PR offensive Disney did a number on them they're trying to rebrand Stepmum's a fucking sound man I've never I went from different generations where are stepmothers evil

wicked stepmothers always the Disney villain why always the Disney villain in

oh yeah Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella and the other one Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs aye

I just yeah I guess God I wonder I mean I don't want to imagine it is true

I imagine there's actual real fucking stepmums out there that are just like I've just got to get through this first it's an immediate you start like

three points behind you don't start at zero i've overheard a conversation between stepmothers out of our friendship group who i won't name who um who are just saying like even the um from the other side it's a bit of a fucking nightmare like the mother i'll go well i don't i don't she's done nothing to upset me or something like that and you're like well like i've helped raise your child and you're like you're like i've done nothing to upset you i've done nothing to harm you i've actually i've actually done things to help you like it's not like it's not like i haven't been an inconvenience i have been a help like why am i looked at as this like well she's not getting in my way kind of attitude and that apparently like that actually comes from the other side quite a bit

we have friends that are stepmothers. You do? Like, multiple. I'm not going to name them when I'm talking this fucking candidly. That's so funny that you are so self-obsessed, you can't see what some of our friends are doing with their entire lives. Entire lives? Yeah.

Like, you know, it's a massive part of their life is raising other people's children. No, no, not her. Yeah, I can run with our children

sometimes. It's hilarious. I think I've got one. I think I've got, I think I've got, is it, is it? Yeah, I think, I think we might have one. I think I've got I think I've got is this is this I think we might have to cut this

bit. Why? No. But yes. But yes. Yeah you got one. That's the conversation I heard.

We have multiples Daniel. There's millions. Do I know any stepdads? That's not a one. I don't know.

Do we know any stepdads Rouge I guess aye yeah no oh is he now what

no he was interim still waiting for the belt he's interim stepdad aye I reckon

I'd be I reckon I reckon I'd be an alright stepfather. I mean, hopefully I'll never have to be. I'd be a class stepdad, like... I'd like... Unless your dad's built that, which he isn't, because it didn't work out. I'm going to bring way more to the table than your real dad,

apart from, like... See, I go the opposite. I'm going to be like, I'll make than your real dad, apart from, like, you know. See, I go the opposite. I'm going to be, like, I'll make sure that you keep your relationship with your dad, like, and I'll also be there. Like, I'll be real Will Ferrell. You wouldn't overstep the line and all that. You wouldn't be competing for the affection. No, no.

You couldn't. Like, that's a struggle. Like, the reason I brought it up, that stepdad, stepmom, there's a struggle that doesn't get as much credit because it's a fine line you've got to walk between overbearing, overstepping the line, living up to other people's expectations, living up to other people's standards.

Aye. Aye. Right. Sorry. Sorry, I just I finally worked Who wants to It's one of my very close friends And he only got one of them

Is there No I got two There can't be more than that There is Daniel We're old now Ah Well you were Is Matty a step mum? Is it Matty? It's Matty I did think it would be Matty a step mum

is it Matty I did think it would be Matty how would you feel about a step dad in your life with your child down the line hold on let's set up the hyperset not good because wife me and carol with your child, like, down the line? Um... Well, not... Hang on, let's set up the hypothetical.

Yeah, yeah, because not good, because wife being kind of broken up. Let's set up the hypothetical a bit better, right? He has broke up mutually, right? But because he was, what, doing each other's tits in, right? He's, like, everything that you've got now, the harmony you've got now, got disrupted by the introduction of a child,

right? It just fucking, you just went like a year and a half to two years stubbornly trying to make it work before one of you

suggested breaking up and the other one went, oh, fucking thank God, I've been thinking about this for ages, right? Your relationship deteriorates

is what happens, right? And it's fair to just amputate it for the sake of everyone. You both love this child but you're gonna make this child's life a fucking nightmare

if you stay together because the toxicity is starting to bleed into family life you've made a decision I'm sorry to put you through this hell when you're actually

setting up for one of the most wonderful times of your life but take a picture of this because it's changing motherfucker and then you meet someone

aye uh huh so you're already she fit that's all she's got like I'm just she's got a horrible personality

but kind of doesn't get to see her personality so that doesn't matter I'm just gonna publicly have a hot one and be like yeah who needs you

yep you're gonna finally have chest hair you're gonna wear needs you yep you're going to finally have chest hair you're going to wear your shirt open you're going to have a medallion and a hot wave

fuck yes do I by any chance own like some sort of villa in Spain yes great Thailand superb

I'm in already am I Gary Lineker's brother you are Wayne Lineker you are Wayne Lineker you are Wayne Lineker he's one of the ones

where if I were to find out he died of some sort of overdose I'd go oh poor Gary I hope he's okay I'm sad for the family but also me

so how would I feel about a stepdad coming into the picture so the stepdad comes into the picture and he's a bit of a suit she's took a change of direction from oh great then I'm the cool dad easy done in

and then he does like a lot of the school runs and he's like he's there at the sports not with you not even with Kara or something he's just there watching a kid play baseball. Your kid plays baseball. Wait, he's there not with me or Cara.

He's just... He's just there, like... This guy a fucking nut. To watch him... He's a beast. He's just interested in his sport. He wants to support him. And also he's going to give him a lift back home

to his family home where he lives with him. Is it this house? What? Is it this house is it this house yeah you live you live in my spare room and natalie's like you can afford another i know natalie but it's just otherwise me can't go and be single single together he's not single he's not he's a good wingman he always gets the girl's attention and then they never want to fuck him at the end so even though he's trying he never cheats on me but it is not through lack of trying like he

really does give it a go pup um i think in a real shitty, I, and this is just my arrogance, man, I'll still be the cool dad. Like, as long as... Yeah, man, like, I'm still... I'm still cool. I'm still a touring comic. The hypothetical situation where he's practical is totally fine with you.

That fits in. But the minute he's, like, a bit of a fucking... a bit of a boozer... No, no, no, not the boozer. No, I don't want my kid to think I fucking a bit of a boozer no no no nothing to booze I don't want my kid to think I'm a boozer that's not the typical

no I'm saying the stepdad if I built the situation where the guy wasn't a like practical nine to five fucking always there for the boy

like if he wasn't like a practical plugs in nice into the kid's life if he was just more of like a a bit of eye candy for Cara

that'll like he's a Geordie and not like me like you know if he was just more of like a bit of eye candy for Cara. Eye. A little like, he's a Geordie. Not like me, like, you know, he's a Geordie Shore. Oh, one of them. Oh, if she was going to have one of them, then I would find it hysterical and I would just have to correct my son's English every time he came home. Yeah, your son grows up speaking like me.

That would be the most crushing bit of the whole thing. No, but I think it's think i used to have a man i loved more than anything in the world either meeting my girlfriend's exes or uh meeting an ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend because I am a fucking nightmare ex-boyfriend or new boyfriend just for other men's egos. Because you're sound. Because you're sound or because you have a profile?

All of it. I've got a big dick, I'm successful, and I'm sound. And if they don't know if they don't know who the if they don't know who I was or whatever they'll only know

through them saying it or it'll be brought up and then people go oh Daniel Stoss and in their own heads they'll start on a lower fucking pedestal every time I've met

an ex-boyfriend or whatever they'll always try and get like the digs in you're like buddy what are we doing like come on let's be real here did I tell you the time

at a wedding when I met Natalie's ex and he was dead sound yeah he was actually and um what it was is the uh there was a older man there that was like a pervy older man and he come to congratulate us about natalie because he'd been perving on natalie and he was just like fucking ordinary there so how do you manage that? Must have a nice car day and I'm like I've got an Astra. So yes. It's a bit Tony model

Tony there. I really like it. It's a coupe. It's a coupe. Spare wheel in the boot. Imagine that. See I'm bragging. Something that comes

as standard with most cars like the only time there's not a spare in the bag is where the spare sorry the spare wheels are on the car itself it's a space save i mean but you know more space for me so anyway i was bragging about the fucking space here that's where we'll be putting this old dirty old man the fucking party moves on, right? And I end up at the bar at the same time as,

I think he's called David, right? So I'm at the bar at the same time as him and he says hello to us and I know who he is and he knows who I am, right? And we're about to have small talk. Aye, we're fisticuffs. We get saved from the small talk, right, by this old man coming along

and went Dave have you seen his last just fucking stunning to our ex and our ex just went who the fuck's

this old cunt and he knew he'd be down but like we said who the fuck's this old cunt and then like

turned his back on him and got drinks and started attacking alright good egg I like that funny very funny and it turns out the old cunt They turned his back on him and got drinks. He was kind of attacking. I like that. Funny. Very funny.

And it turns out the old cunt was the dad of the first person Natalie had ever slept with. Oh. So she had quite a thing going on at that wedding. So he definitely should have recognised her. What, from getting sneaked into his house? Aye. I didn't know she got snuck into a house like some common whore. I don't know how it panned out. Didn't ask.

Couldn't cope. I'd love to meet... Cara told me so much about her ex. She's mortified by him. So much so that I'd love to meet him, just because she'd be mortified. I'd be civil. I'd be nice.

I'd shake his hand. I'd look him dead in the eyes aye class Do you think you'd have a proper one-upmanship on him? No, no, no, no, no, no, no I've won it, and this is the problem with all the other ones, I've won it

walking in, they're the ones that are like the game's still going on, I'm like, game's over the ones that would get the one-up on you on you right is the ones that just admit defeat accept lower status and rub that in your face

I shagged your ass fair fine man as long as you got the practice in thank you very much she's class

out now there's nothing worse than men that hold previous conquests against their partner oh it's fucking despicable

that is a form of abuse that is fucking 100% 100% like if yeah not just men to women

but I would say it's more common between men and women but like if it's like oh do you fucking slay with him I can't believe like we're now

at this now I'm at a party with a guy you fucked I can't emotionally handle this so I'm gonna take it out on you because I'm a fucking petul a guy you fucked. I can't emotionally handle this. So I'm going to take it out on you

because I'm a fucking petulant child. Grow up. Go to therapy. Slut sharing your own slut is horrendous. That's your slut? Yeah. Jesus, come on. Have some respect for your own sluts.

Yeah, I totally agree. And it's one of the... I will say this I mean I've not done it Because of my friends But it's It's a bit of behaviour I would have no problem

Fully calling out With my mates I've done it I've corrected that behaviour If my mate was like Oh she was fucking You know You know how many women

Do you know how many blokes She slept with before me I'm like Fucking I'll slap you myself If she's not slapped you for this comment already, fucking let me lick my palm and you're getting it right across the fucking...

Look me dead in the eyes. He didn't leave this conversation and carry on back to that behind my back. Aye, this is... We're taking this out at the core. Aye, this is fucking, this is slap surgery. I'm slapping that fucking personality right out of your body right now.

Otherwise, our friendship is fucking over and also social relationship because I'm goingpping that fucking personality right out of your body right now otherwise our friendship is fucking over and also social relationship because I'm going to bang her you should be mad at her she's going to fuck with the future son I'm going to bang her I'm going to be like you slept with my best friend

you fucking slut that guy I just slapped you fucking slept with him you fucking whore and now you're telling me now you're telling me after I've just fucking stood up for you in front of him you're just going through're telling me now you're telling me after I've just fucking stood up

for you you're just going through our friendship group are you aye anyway not that not that

not on aye just fucking look just be grateful somebody taught your ex do you like shagging do you like

shagging your current partner I love it I love it when I get back from two and she's got new

tricks I'm not even mad about that part of my past your current partner? I love it when I get back from two and she's got new tricks. I'm not even mad about that part of my past. That six-week period. Right, look, if you enjoy shagging your missus or your man, right, you should be fucking fat shaking the hands of everyone that fucked him in the last bit of life. Every ex, our uncle just in case. Thank you so much for your hard work.

She is fucking class on top. Was that you? Did you teach her the old twist and pull? That's me. Cara's going up to all my exes. What the fuck did you tell him? You told him you liked that? You told him you?

I have to learn to live with that for the rest of my fucking life. Because you liked it. You were too polite to say, that's sore, I hate that gross. And now he's going to do it to me for the rest of my fucking life. I hate you. You didn't correct him when he did that to your clit.

With his teeth. You used teeth on your clit and you didn't stop him. Fucking, he sucks your pussy like a rude boy and you let that happen. No. I'm tired. Aye. No. I'm tired. Aye. That was a very firm end there. I thought we were having a good game of tennis,

but you just... It tired us out, Danny. That was like you're down for a scum and then you just have a leg of fucking... He runs forever and then at the end he just was like... We did a 35 second bet. And during the 35 second bet,

you stopped. I'm going home now. We are, the home's there. We didn't get far. Like, it's. You can still see the house for us.

Yeah, you can throw a stone at it. You can still break the house for us Yeah You can throw a stone at it You can still break the window from here Look Let's Let's end the podcast pretty soon Because I want to find out Who the other stepmoms I know are

Really How many are there? Right I've got two How many are there? Well My entire friendship group. Aye.

Right. I'm aware of three because you didn't get one of them. Right, okay. This one, fucking, look at that. Look at that. Is it... Gene? No.

No. Anyway. To everyone who came to the Cambridge show. No, to everybody listening, just acknowledge the stepmothers in your life. Acknowledge their existence. Aye. You've clearly

happy stepmother's day you clearly have a blind spot to what they're doing right we shouldn't have a stepmother's day

we should just be nice to stepmothers on mother's day don't make it specific I'm actually there should

definitely not be a stepmother's day that's separating them way more here's stepmother's day and then this is real mother's day don't do. Here's stepmother's day and then this is real mother's day. Don't do that.

That's vindictive. Debra, the game to the show in Cambridge. Thank you very much for your patience of just a show that was rescheduled multiple times and still fucking packing out that room. It was class. It was good fun. Aberdeen, we'll see you Friday, you fucking cunts.

That was very nice well you've been to Aberdeen oh right Aberdeen sorry daydreaming when you said Aberdeen aye Aberdeen absolute cunts good cunts

the best cunts good audience okay cunts wouldn't drink with them after I've done and that's why I've enjoyed drinking with them after The best cunts. Good audience. Okay, cunts. Wouldn't drink with them after. I've done, and that's why. I've enjoyed drinking with them after. I've shagged a bunch of Aberdeen people.

Like, disproportionate amount compared to, like, you know, we're single spells on tour. Aye. Aberdeen was always a banker. That was the biggest slice of the pie. Aye. Aye. That and Dublin. Oh, aye. Aberdeen was Aberdeen was always That was the biggest That was the biggest Slice of the pie Aye Aye That and Dublin Oh aye

But Aberdeen Aye Aberdeen and Dublin Thank you very much For keeping us warm All those years Aye You got us through

Some winters You really did Aye I liked Wintering inside No Never mind Never mind

Never mind Never mind I had a threesome Interrupted in Aberdeen once I thought it was you like, wintering inside of it. No, never mind, never mind, never mind, never mind. I had a threesome interruption in Aberdeen once. I thought it was you. You did, aye? I fucking blamed you.

You did? As if I would be as horrible enough. Can you remember what you said when we checked in that day when they went,

we've got your rooms next to each other as you passed the keys? Oh, yeah. Can you remember what you said to me as you slid the keys across the desk? She went, your rooms are next to each other. you passed the keys. Oh yeah. Can you remember what you said to me as you slid the keys across the desk?

She went, your rooms are next to each other. I went, oh no, he's going to keep me up all night with the sounds of not shagging. Exactly what you said.

Exactly what you said. And then, there's two girls down to their knickers in my bed. Aye. Right? And then there's a bang at the door,

and it's the hotel staff saying that there's been a complaint from a neighbouring room. I don't remember this. It wasn't me. It wasn't fucking me. It wasn't me. You know it wasn't me. And when I turned around, Daniel,

they were fully dressed, including jackets and bags. Aye. And then they left. And then I left, and bags aye and then the left and then I left and I went and got cigarettes and I chain smoked 20 of them and then I got back and one of them had come back

and was knocked on my door so it wasn't there's a reason the reason I didn't murder you in the morning but even now I'm still angry even now I'm still angry even now I'm still angry

I didn't do it but that's very oh so what kind of fucking nerd excuse me the man next to me has got two women get a fucking dweeb

I had once I'm trying to read I had once when I was with a girl in Norway and we were playing and the next door, like, shoot, look, I hate noisy sex.

I think it's just... What the fuck is this? I think it's intrinsically fucking rude. I just think it's horrific. And she was making a bit, but we weren't making that much noise. And just some guy kept banging it. I wanted to be like, man, every time you bang the door,

we have to stop, giggle about it. And they go, just let me come. Like, this will be over soon. You're pro-logging this. Shut the fuck up. Also, we're in a hotel. Shh. Come on. Let it. I promise you. It's usually like a weekend evening as well. you're prologuing this shut the fuck also we're in a hotel shh come on

let it I promise you it's usually like a weekend evening as well and you're like you're in a city centre hotel on a weekend evening you know what you're paid for

I've been in hotels when I've listened to other people bang it and you just kind of laugh and you go alright well there's the look if it's if it's gratuitous

and it's over 15 minutes I'll give you 15 minutes I always remember that quote out the beach, there's nothing more lonely than the sound of other people having sex so at least have the decency to shout I'm lonely after you knock

I'm lonely here by the way, have some respect because if that person was also shagging, they're not banging on the wall. Yeah, they're not like, you're making me sound bad. She's not making any of these noises. Why can't you be more like my person and not enjoying a second of it? You should see her.

Stoic, barely a fucking peep out of her. You wouldn't even know I was out of her you you wouldn't even know I was inside of her you wouldn't I want the baby oh anyway so we'll be coming up

to Aberdeen so if anyone wants to shag us for old time's sake just just for nostalgia you know it's like the old days back then

bye yep before we go you're doing Thursdays with Ryan yeah sure and then we're doing the old days back then bye yep before we go you're doing Thursdays with Ryan yeah sure and then we're doing Mondays together

and then you're taking paternity and then I'm taking paternity leave podcast paternity leave and I'll take it from there and get some

belt I guess it's on bye