Sloss and Humphries On The Road - The Lone Billionaire

Episode Date: October 2, 2024

Muggins and Cream discuss their very different strategies if they came into billions of pounds after suggesting the societal rule that there could be only one. Kai "does a Kai" and puts chicken stock in his wife's Whisky. Daniel struggles with the change of the goalposts that all the drinking and drugs he did in his 20's is no longer cool to the new generation.   Join Kai on Tour: www.kaihumphries.com   Get your discount Altitude Tickets: www.altitudefestival.com MUGGINSANDCREAM25

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. You've got a classic Muggins and Cream episode waiting for you here. This is Daniel Sloss is featuring on his own podcast for the third episode running. You're in luck. But before you get into this episode, I want to let you know we've got some treats for you. First of all, you've got a discount code for Altitude Comedy Festival. If you want to come to the Alps next year, use the discount code Mugginsandcream25 and that will get you 10% off tickets to the comedy festival. MugginsAndCream25 that's all capital letters

all one word MugginsAndCream25 gets you 10% off the festival tickets. Also, I'm going to be coming on tour starting in Bristol from the 12th of October

and travelling as far and wide as I can. All the tickets are on my website kaihumphreys.com as they come out at the minute. We've got a bunch of UK dates, we've got a bunch of European

dates we're looking at adding Australia, and there's going to be more UK and European dates getting added as we go. But go have a look at kaihumphries.com if I'm coming anywhere near you. Please join me on my tour of Gallivanting Starts on the 12th of October. And also, think about subscribing to our Patreon if you

don't already. If you listen to this on early access you've already subscribed, if you listen to this on the public channels, think about subscribing and you will get early access on these public episodes and you'll get an extra episode every single week and also there's a bunch of other perks that you can check out like signed posters

and thank you videos and go and have a look and see which one suits you hopefully see you on tour hopefully see you in the alps hopefully see you on our bonus episodes on period and i'll definitely see you after this intro music on an episode of muggins and cream enjoy sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh woohoo ha ha ha they said it can't be done

are we in the same seats that's hack aww muggles accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical

just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11 you gotta be a pretty fucking big

loser to a challenge Mark Zuckerberg to a cage fight you gotta be a pretty fucking big loser to a challenge Mark Zuckerberg to a cage fight and then the second Mark Zuckerberg says yes you go oh eh

oh nah no no thank you no I'm not scared I just forgot how busy I was I'm gonna put a fiver on that

this is Elon Musk's latest move oh no this was I mean this was him fucking 18 months ago challenge fucking it was like after Mark zuckerberg released threads or whatever mark zuckerberg just pointed i mean i don't think fight me well mark zuckerberg is obviously not any sort of bastion of cool but it does take a level of unbearable drug fueled autism to somehow make mark zuckerberg seem more normal than you

like less robotic because like he mark zuckerberg is the like the one thing that makes the rest of the world go maybe he might be a lizard the non-conspiracy people go right here the mode because i think he might be a lizard. Yeah, and clearly the lizard's enemy in the underground battle for this planet is Elon Musk is whatever fucking species. Mongoose? Jellyfish that was in X-Men 2, you know, where the fucking politician gets injected

and he's in that fucking thing and he starts pushing his face through the bars and that's how he gets out and he's just a jellyfish. That's what Elon Musk is. I don't even think he thumbs in softies. do you think he's just an invertebrate yeah invertebrate yeah is that how you say it sure yeah that's how i'm saying it now uh he doesn't he already thumbs in softies but like he accidentally gets his hips and his bum in there as well yeah yeah yeah his legs and his torso are like popping out of the butthole yeah yeah like i just i mean i said this off camera but like elon musk

posted a ai photo of him wearing a cowboy hat looking cool and you're just like you just wear a cowboy hat man like yeah just kind of boogies. Don't get me wrong. Fair enough. The one of you wearing a full suit of armor, harder to come by. But as a billionaire, I don't reckon a suit of armor is that hard to come by. The AI images of him in SS uniform,

I know those are in your other cupboard. It's very Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. Is it Ben Stiller when he's wrestling? There's a painting of him wrestling a bull to the ground by the horns. Yeah. I painted it of him wrestling a ball to the ground by the horns yeah they painted it of him it's very

a move like that I just think it's absolutely wild like don't get me wrong in our teens we all spent time on fucking 4chan just enjoying the fact

that like you could say fucking anything there was a dark corner of the internet yeah and then you got

I never had 4chan was never like I've never visited it. I was aware of it through you and Elliot. Yeah, I mean, it was never... You and Elliot, not a person that called you and Elliot. No, it was never user-friendly.

Like, it was a hard thing to go through. It didn't have... It wasn't as easy to go through as Reddit, and it was all anonymous, and it was like, bye. I dabbled with Chive. That was as close as I got to sticking my foot in We Are Generations movement. Chive. That was as close as I got to sticking my foot in with your generation's movements.

Chive was cool for about fucking 35 seconds. Cat Saturday. I remember Cat Saturday. I remember you bought me a Chive t-shirt and then some Canadian guy on the Princess Street shouted Chive on as I walked past. Well, I guess I'm going shirtless in the street. I guess. Looks like I'm started on this group of kids as I just take my fucking shirt off for no reason.

Like, don't get me wrong I have like some form of sympathy for the incel community right in the same way that I feel sorry for bears when I go to the zoo and I'm like that looks like his fucking shirt I'm not getting in the fucking cage yeah

that looks really sad isn't it I'd hate to have the existence of that one i mean i'm obsessed with uh elon musk and just like his absolutely unabashed like the things he's been posting recently it's just been like look how skewed america is to democrats do you know that 90 of professors vote democrat and you're like, 90% of educated people don't vote Republican. That's your big fucking takeaway. Where are these 10%?

Do they just not vote? Are they the abstainers? It's the same thing with the like, how come 85% of college educated adults vote for Democrat? And you're like, well, because they don't buy into your fucking memes on Twitter, dude.

They did their own research, believe it or not. or not yeah and look i spent all of my 20s trying to like appear cool to people i wasn't even aware who i was trying to be cool to i was trying to sort of like prove it to myself like i understand what it's like to be like oh god like i've got to keep up this facade but if enough people were yelling at me on the internet, like I wouldn't just be like, well, the way to change this abuse isn't to change my personality. I'm just going to mute the word gay lord. Oh, that's them all gone.

Oh, fuck, they come up with a new word. Well, I'll just, I'll ban that. I don't want to ban the word lord. I don't want them to call us a lord. Also banning is censorship and i'm against censorship and what i believe censorship is you can just put out whatever you want free speech is the ability to lie to the masses as much as you can and just not be fucking fact-checked than any fact check that comes in it's just fucking no but you don't like

you couldn't if you're getting swamped by enough people on the internet you go blind to it you don't believe them to be true you know that yeah I thought

I've had a recent swathe of people that have been taken umbrage to my pedo Terry routine because that reached like muggle

level of output rather than just people that enjoy comedy it's reaching just people just in the house and i'm getting so much hate from that yeah and uh-huh yeah and i'm like i'm not i'm unmoved by it like that's not i don't i don't go oh maybe maybe that i should have an introspective i look at every single one of their profile photos and go yeah because you could be a pedo what's the problem with the joke that I should be

deeply ashamed of my actions that's always been true that I've ruined a man's life that people commit suicide because of such things well being accused

of being pedos why they killed themselves though why they've been accused it's the same answer it is the same answer so yeah I'm like

I can't log on to the internet at the minute without having uh hate from muggles i'm not like i'm not gonna let that steer my identity so i don't imagine that it does if you're like in a real like if if you're that exposed to the input of the world yeah you're gonna you're gonna have a huge blind spot you're not gonna you're not gonna respond to it it's just it's it's looking for acceptance and look as the late not great gareth southgate said you know he's still very much alive yeah yeah but he's still not great it's all think of like we all just want to be loved which you know I think is

is true but I just I question the methods of being like I'm going to go be loved I'm going to go send us all to Mars unless a black woman wins in which case I'm going to throw a giant mantra and we're not going to go to Mars anymore I'm taking my spaceship home

I'm taking my spaceship this isn't fair you're not playing fair i'm taking my spaceship home um all right i mean i would i do think like here's the deal with billionaires right we've we've got a goal fucking we've got to go highlander rules right they can only be one they can only be one right so the second you earn over a billion, you've got to fight the other billionaire. And it's to the death. To the death. It's not just a controlled cage fight for clicks with Mark Zuckerberg.

It is a Thunderdome Mad Max this weapon scenario. It's absolutely true. Where even the one that wins is never going to be the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, if you kill the other billionaire, you absolutely get all of their money. It's like congas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You definitely you absolutely get all of their money. It's like congas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You definitely get to keep all of their money. But, you know, I mean, you're earning money. You're in the gym every day. Fucking, you've got to be. There's younger billionaires coming up, people broaching their asses. Oh, yeah. It's the alpha of the tribe.

You literally are the alpha that you're claiming to be. You have to defend that. You've got to fucking. You can't just be like, I'm an alpha. You're like, oh oh there's a there's another fucking young male that's come up and it's usually males and then if then if you get if then if you get to the point where like you know i'm just fucking sick of fighting people and killing people i just don't like this anymore what you can do is you can just anonymously donate

1.5 billion people to two people that you hate and just make them fight to the death they said 1.5 billion people instead of money because that would be more likely to be true that would just throw people at it. I think it'd be fucking great if you were just like oh god I'm just so fucking bored of these cunts. Okay I'm going to send 1.5 billion to Andrew Tate

and Dan Bilzerian and they just wake up and be like oh I'm a billionaire! Oh no! We've got to fight each other. Oh god Jesus Christ what am I going to do? Can I send it to The Rock and Philip Scofield? Yes. Yes. That's it.

The billionaires choose the fights. Yeah. Well, yeah, through altruism. Through, like, getting to, like... Through nice and fluttery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worst thing to do is, like, if you then got to a point... The billion pounds is a poison chalice and they like touched you last yeah

yeah and then at one point you just get one guy who works his way up right and they go all the way through the job they're a billionaire

and they're like you know what I'm actually gonna fucking donate all of this to charity and you're like well I'm sorry man fucking

it looks like the WWE he's fighting the WWF Jesus Christ it's make a wish for Peter oh my god it's like the WWF. Jesus Christ, it's Make-A-Wish v. Peter. Oh my God, it's like the Coliseum. This is awesome. And then, I mean, the irony is whoever gets the TV rights to that instantly becomes the billionaire. What would you do?

Take away the hypothetical rules that were just imposed, right? You just wake up tomorrow morning and there's several billion in your account. You're a multi-billionaire. What is your move as a billionaire? Pornhub Platinum. Pornhub Platinum. Have you ever signed up to Pornhub Platinum for once? Even during COVID when they were like, it's free.

I'm like, I ain't. Free fringe. You know, free fringe. You know, free fringe. It's free to get in. You can't get it with your pain. I managed to subscribe to porno premium. Unsubscribing from porno premium was like,

you need to print out this and you have to go and stand on the roof of your house and shout it out. I would hereby declare that I no longer want my bono premium subscription and you have to have an audience of at least 70 gathering from your estate

sorry just just so we can confirm your identity can you just read out your search history to your mum you know what man

I'll just keep paying for it can you just wear your wife's clothes right okay I'm already doing that what else

what do I next have to do unsubscribing was a ball ache, man. If I had billions of pounds in my bank account, I would use that money to lobby and bribe politicians into voting into... Just a regular billionaire then? Yeah, yeah.

You would step into the shoes of the billionaire immediately. But I would do it to be like, I would lobby enough people and blackmail and bribe enough people that the law that they pass is all politicians, every single bit of money that goes to them, their family, any company,

is public knowledge. And anyone that accepts b public knowledge and anyone that accepts bribes and anyone that lobbies it's an instant death penalty I think I would be different to you I think I would live my normal life for the longest time without ever letting know that I was a billionaire

because I would just Man, I can tell the day after you've had a blowjob what are you talking about? How the fuck are you keeping that under your head? You remember 2016? I mean, there would be a spring in my step for sure. Uh-huh. Because you bought moon boots.

But I think I would be very wary of letting the intrusive thoughts pass for the first while. Go. Because the amount of shit where you just want to throw money at the problem before you... You've literally woke up with the power to have someone killed. You've woke up with that. I'm not acting on impulses immediately. Pussy. I mean, look, I think I'd incrementally get richer.

I'd definitely, for the first while, be like, you wouldn't see as an economy. Aye. Like, there would be no way enough. Like, I'm going on holiday and economy soon. Aye. That wouldn't happen. You're buying crisps outside of the meal deal. Uh-huh.

Yeah, you know what? Yes. Uh-huh yeah you know what yes uh-huh um i'm getting the size of bottle of water that i want rather than the two for fucking the amount that economically work out as like cheaper per volume of water but not the amount of water that i want to be carrying around on my journey i'm getting this there's been like i'd flatten them kinks in my life out immediately right but i wouldn't i wouldn't act like a billionaire straight away i wouldn't even act like a millionaire straight away i'd be straight to sony right and i'd bribe someone in there and whatever the technology that israel put into the pagers for hezbollah i would start making sure

that the next generation of consoles, every single controller had those in. And then, because I'll never naturally get good at computer games again. That's past me. But I miss the feel of it. The only way to do it is to blow people's hands off.

Beat me at God. So just the next generation of consoles, it's people trash talking me like, if one person fucking teabagged me one person teabagged me fucking alright

boom done all over done completely finished yeah yeah exploding control pads and the lawsuit that follows

just pay for it yeah absolutely yeah yeah well it's Sony's fault I read an internet story that probably isn't true the other day but I liked it

so I'm repeating it about somebody who got employed by a company, fixed one of the bugs that was annoying them as a consumer, and then quit. I love that shit. Can somebody do that to Disney Plus? The user interface on Disney Plus is inexplicably shit for the third largest streaming platform.

You go to Disney Plus and you're like, can I watch what I was previously watching? And they're like, how would I possibly know what that was? Do you think I'm some sort of magical fucking database where I just know what you're watching all the time? Don't be wrong. I sell all the information to other people so I don't want to sell you and your algorithm.

But I couldn't possibly remember that yesterday. But I will kill your wife if she eats a nut. Just fucking what okay yeah disney plus needs need i would go in there and be like can you just just take the lawsuit from netflix and just do what netflix have done just like yeah we stole it we stole it it's good yoink ours all right you sued us here's some millions we'll get that back from you eventually because now we've got more customers because our ui isn't despicably shit i don't know if what it's like now which sky

go i remember watching a series on sky going when i searched for the series it give us the uh episodes for like all eight seasons out of sequence so it'd be like season six episode two season three episode four and you had to scroll through the list until you found the episode i've got a match at the day at the moment i'm like every every night every saturdays i never could match the day and every morning they're like hey do you know what's the highlights from the 2012 euros i'm like man why is that still on here for that on youtube for the archives i what would i say with a billion because you'd instantly start like making people's lives around you better by like paying off the shit so like you'd'd instantly start like making people's lives around you better

by like paying off their shit. So like you'd have like a multitude of people's mortgages that you could pay off. But like that's acting like a multimillionaire. Even then you're not acting like a billionaire yet. A billionaire, like you're buying companies and there's stuff happening around you where there's people on the payroll

and you don't even know what's happening. I buy EasyJet and Ryanair, right? And there are flights to ibiza and benidorm right but there's no return flights never in any company that offers return flights from ibiza or benidorm i buy that company but then you can go but you ain't coming back you can sit the burger king alley one that's the most sad that's the most sad meal of your life is the Ibiza airport Burger King on the way home

and there's people asleep on the floor with comedowns yeah literally the saddest meal you'll ever have and I haven't had my last one

that's another one I'd buy Burger King and delete it just buy oh it's so it's so bottom tier like I know we're arguing

about fast food here I would buy Burger King Matthew's pure shaking his head here it's the bottom tier. Like, I know we're arguing about fast food here. I would buy Burger King. Matthew's pure shaking his head here. It's the worst. There's a rift in the slush family brewing over Burger King. But I would genuinely, I would rather be fucking hit by a lorry than taste a Burger King chip. Like, they are so unbelievably bottom tier.

They're better now. Like, how recently have you had a Burger King? I was last hit by a fucking lorry. When Daniel falls out with somebody, he falls out with them forever, you know that? Same with KFC. KFC chips are now better than McDonald's. Fact.

No, I don't know. I've had KFC chips recently. I'm desperate if I'm eating fast food right now. Right, right. It's desperation. Like, I'll not eat fast food of the choice oh no i do i think like i could barely give myself a favorite and that like it's trying to like what's the what's your favorite shit you've picked up with peggy's it's like that it's like oh there's

some solid ones that are really good at the baggies you don't leave anything on the grass when it was particularly cold and i hadn't brought my gloves out with me and it was so warm I ended up picking up with both hands still in the bag oh I tell you what I'd do right

if I was a billionaire right I'd bring back Vine oh yeah I'd buy it off of Twitter and I'd be like geese that back

we're putting it right out again but that is like the people who bought Oasis tickets they don't want Oasis tickets they want their youth back you'd be trying to have your youth back by getting violent oh but just it was a happy time we enjoyed social media that was the

last time i remember us like really going what's my next video gonna be like now it's like oh all right i bet i'll make a video of some sort to put online but it just it involved so much like fucking you know there were so many people that were just so brilliant at Vine

with just like in six seconds was just such a people being like how can I possibly make this funny you're like well you're never going

to be successful on fucking Vine I feel like maybe I'm going insane here was Jake Paul was he famous

from Vine I know he was Disney and all that stuff but like he must have done yeah he was yeah aye was he famous from Vine I know he was Disney and all that stuff but like he must have done yeah he was yeah

aye we kept doing like Alakazam like making each other disappear and then appear somewhere else and doing that

with things that was our running theme for the brief moment aye I'd done a bunch with Natalie as well when me and Natalie first started hanging out

we'd done a bunch of Vines girlfriends of Vine oh I'll tell you what if I woke up and I was a multi-billionaire i'd pay cara a million pounds to sign a prenup a post prenup because we didn't do any prenup my my wife does not have a i don't i don't believe in them no me neither i don't believe in your marriage if you've got one yeah it's like going i feel like a parent i i do

you take this person to be your lawfully wedded wife I do one hand on base though one hand I love you with all of my heart nothing says my parents hate you like a prenup nothing says like

you're inheriting my shit but she ain't like like a prenup it it reeks of not the opposite word of togetherness

division it reeks of division i just there's division within your family and like there's no unity there there's no cohesion it's your family unit is clunky as fuck if you chuck a prenup in they fucking putting diesel in a petrol car that we were watching the season of a uk love is blind and there was a guy on it who said to this girl, he's like, hey, how would you feel doing a fucking prenup? And she was not

the brightest tool in the shed, but she was like a sweetheart. She had a good heart, but she just wasn't, you know, she wasn't up to date with the full knowledge of what a fucking prenup is.

Unfortunately, her two closest friends were the dumbest cunts in existence. And like, she went out, and she was like, he's asked me for a prenup and i find that like a bit like weird and it's like honey you're on a show where you're getting

married to a fucking stranger you met behind a wall in the space of a month this is all a bit weird and her friends are like no that's all that i wouldn't trust that what that means is is if you get married to him and you're together for like 10 years, you've got nothing. And you're like, that's not what a prenup is at all. A prenup is, I keep my shit and this stuff in the contract. And anything that you've earned separately is yours. And also, here's the thing, you can change a prenup.

It's not like a blanket fucking thing where you're like, this is rules applied to everything. And she just could not. It was super frustrating. What's the point in nuptials if you're going to take out the clauses that make it binding? Like it just makes it so superficial. I think you're right to pre-nup on your second marriage. Because you're like, hold on.

This isn't about you. This is about me. And I'm just worried that because of my past indiscretions, the that i've been divorced before that i'm gonna cheat again and i need to pay for a third because i love getting married hello my name's john cleese i've made it so easy for natalie to get everything if we break up the house is in her name it's not in mine and the car that I bought because I wanted her to be, like the lease car,

that's hers, right? It's in my name. And I am the, not the name driver, the policyholder of the insurance. So I'm getting, I'm getting the no claims bonus for every year that goes by

for her car. So when I bought a car that I'd saved up for, I put it in her name so I could make her the policyholder, so I could be the name driver, because that was less complicated than the switch. To save a little bit of paperwork,

she owns my car that I bought. If we break up, the house and the car are hers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd have to fight her for my stuff. And also, I don't think I'd get the dog. No. I don't think, I think she'd get a little bit. You can find another dog with anxiety.

One would come by. I don't know, I kind of like my, I kind of like my one. They all look the same. Nah, but you kind of get attached. Yeah, but then they die and you get attached to a new one. I believe that philosophy about everything wife children the works right yeah probably it's fucking psychopath behavior but we know somebody whose dog got knocked over shortly after they got it and they just got

a new one the exact same do we yes do we yes we do yes we do i mean I've got guesses immediately man they just went oh damn back in the shop back in the shop they did that they did that

not close friends of ours but we've spent some time with them over the last many years and it went for me it was like no you don't get a dog

for a while I didn't have sunglasses for a year because mine broke after I bought them oh yeah I went a year ago well you don't get sunglasses then I didn't have sunglasses for a year because mine broke after I bought them. Oh yeah, there's the... I went to Jäger and well, you don't get sunglasses then.

That doesn't have a sentient, it's not a sentient being. My wife, who struggles to buy Christmas and birthday presents for me, not because she's not an incredibly thoughtful and generous person, which she is, she loves gift giving, but just because if I want something, I buy

it. I'm like, like oh there's the thing mine there's the thing mine um you haven't learned to take care of things either because of that well i do now now that i've gotten to the stage where i i think that was just a i think that was more of a youth thing as opposed to anything else like i'm a bit especially since i started getting into things i actually cared about as opposed to things i was just buying to make myself feel cool the mind game of a comedian is difficult as well because it's easy to go. Like even as a job in comic, I can make this amount of money in 20 minutes. Why am I going to spend eight hours spending the time that would cost us 10 minutes of work

to pay someone to do, but we're not working 37 hour shifts. That's the difference. The majority of our pay is in the drive and the preparation and the getting the material sorted and the fucking claim that it takes to get to that point so it's hard to go i'm gonna wash my own car when you could work for a little bit of time on stage to get somebody to wash your car for you and speaking of i spent all day yesterday detailing my car getting the scratches out i hit a i hit a bit of car look in that i stopped wait i bought a car that had man i would be like fucking gta rules just drive it into a garage yeah there you go bye wait that's what it's this particular day i bought a car with a in spite of a couple of scratches that had been on it like there was one in particular where

somebody had clearly like scuffed it with a trolley but it was like on the surface and it was bothering us because it's a nice car and it looks good but it's got scratches on it and a couple of little scratches here and there and i eventually was like right i'm going to sink some money in this i'm going to pay somebody to come and detail the car and i mentioned over dinner with natalie's family and natalie's uncle's over from oman his daughter's in uni in strafglide so he's over getting her settled in and I mentioned that I'd sent them emails out and then he mentioned that his job was doing that and he he also buys cars from the 70s for like 10

grand and then restores them to a point that they're worth the price of a house oh man that's such a great fucking I I was about to say hobby, but like that's... He's just his hobby. He loves it. Which is why he didn't mind going, can I show you how to do it? And he bought the equipment for us that I would need

and then showed us how to do it. Just a bunch of Sharpies. Imagine it was that. He's like, I restore cars to no man. He come in cowboy job to be caught. No idea what a man's like. I apologise for that. Just general racism.

Dusty, apparently, he was like, it's different here because we're dealing with moisture instead of dryness. So there's like a different element to like, you're never going to burn the paint as easy as you would an old man. But there was some, when you were mentioning Sharpies, there was a couple of scratches that I hadn't even noticed where they'd bodge jobbed it so that they could sell it of a mug and he found them

and was like these are going to be harder because somebody's fucking had a go at them yeah um so there's like still little bits that are visible but like like my car looks fucking showroom now from just spending the day with uncle hussein um it's not in the car right and i've got to put it there for somebody who would just throw money at a problem like that yeah fucking loved every part of it i loved getting a nami vehicle there was a mindfulness in it yes we've spent a good like 68 hours day in the car right and then that was 628 not 68 by the way 628 hours and that was 628 hours natalie afterwards was asking like um what we're chatting about while we're doing it and i was like oh literally the job in front of her for the whole time

and she's like oh men are so weird because if that was like that like i would have been like so how did you meet your wife how do you get married like who i did like and find out like everything about them and i walked away and know nothing more about that man than you already a perfect relationship we're chatting about cars we're chatting about like what's happening in front of you yeah

brilliant oh man no I like I mean I get what you're saying about the you know taking the pride in things one of the things I'm definitely throwing money at

recently just because there's no way I'm doing it we move house on Friday and I sat and counted down three months ago and I was like there's not way I'm doing it. We move house on Friday and I sat and counted down three months ago and I was like,

there's not a price in the world that they could quote that would make me pack up and unpack myself. It could be the price of the house. I'm not. I'm not boxing up shit. At the end of the day,

which is fair enough because I'm home, I'm getting really into just chilling, relaxing, just being a dad, being a husband. I could be doing you know I'm home I'm getting really into like just chilling relaxing just being a dad being a husband I could be doing more I could be

because I'm like we've got to skip anything we don't want we put it in the skip anything we do want they'll fucking take it out she's like do you want to box up

the box of all the board games you've got in preparation I'm like are you fucking high school teacher in me should we clean up the room before the fucking Johnny comes in?

Oh, yeah. Like, don't get me wrong. Yeah, if you're paying for a service where they're going to move stuff that's in the cupboards. If the house was trashed, she would absolutely 100% have a point. I'm not having somebody come around to pick up my letter and sift through it. But like all of my board games, all of our board games

are on the shelf there it's just it's the process oh but I get a point you're carrying this house's dust into your new house

because they're going to be they're going to be minging up there no they'll be fine they haven't got a layer of dust they have a cleaner

dust in their board game boxes and that she must be wouldn't that dusty what do you think I've got fucking Jumanji up there

did I tell you you hear a knocking you hear the drums did I tell you I've got a cleaner one time I didn't enjoy it because I couldn't

have a shade you didn't know when to poo did we talk about this on the podcast or no we did okay I had to go and poo

In the garden centre I'm glad the word centre Came up Oh we actually I don't I might be repeating myself It's not uncommon On this podcast

I told Natalie I went for a poo At Greenbug Gardens Because I had nowhere To go in the house And Natalie's instant thought Wasn't that I went Into the

Visitor centre For the garden Where you can use the public toilet. She thought I'd just mean Peggy. Just me and Peggy side by side, just killing on it in the middle of the Greenback Gardens. Peggy just sat there, this is what I've always wanted. Like Daniel, there wasn't even a consideration in him mind that it was in the public toilet at Greenback Gardens. My only thought about it would be like, it is disgusting, it is very him.

But he did, Natalie, he would have used a poo bag. He would have just left it there. He would have picked it up and put it into the poo bag. Waved his hand on his throat, I like it. I don't like the reputation I've got earned well you know this is how bad it is

the amount of times that Natalie will go Russell Brand doesn't like the reputation he's got earned that was also your spinning as well that was also down to you

the amount of times in a day she'll go I've done a kai and you're like you've shouted yourself again you cheated on me I mean I

I did last night bring her whiskey glass she has ice in her whiskey and I'd used the ice cubes for Peggy where we pour the chicken water into the ice cube tub

and freeze them so that she's got like a chicken stock ice cube. Okay. I put them in a whiskey. That's the kind of thing you call doing a kai. Whiskey soup. Chicken whiskeys. Your voice is going a little bit

so I thought I'd just put two old school remedies together. And I'd already done that with a smoothie and drank it without noticing. Great. I mean, to be fair, I imagine that's actually quite good for your smoothie. Like chicken stock with the salt and the sodium

and when I go through fucking health kicks, you occasionally do have to just drink chicken stock. I mean, I'm going to put it out there, I would have fucking drank it even if I funded before I had. Yeah. Absolutely. If they went, oh, they're the chicken stock. I wouldn't have drank the whiskey.

Love yourself in that respect. But as far as drinking a smoothie, Gans, well, there's a bit of chicken in me, vegetables. It's like a sundry roast. Sundry roast smoothie. Get it down you. Down the hatch. But I like little things like that. I mean, that is.

Just tiny little things. Because I also guarantee that you're the one That fills up The chicken stock ice cubes No no We've basically Also did you not notice The difference We've got it

A fucking misty poo Coloured cube Being like Oh it's clearly Just frozen whiskey You know when I looked at it When I like Mindfully looked

At the glass It did have like A kind of Yellowish tinge And no part of me Was like well i'm not drinking it it's not my fucking problem it's not my drinking it's ice in the whiskey anyway you deserve it now i'm on your side now we're talking absolutely so um basically we've got i've got an ice machine but that makes like shite ice good for a smoothie shite for whiskey yeah right

so that ice in the fridge is seldom used unless the ice machine's been turned off or it's ran out or we're having whiskey yeah so in my in my head like that was just the ice that was the reserve parachute of ice in the house but it just gets used as a like little tool to make me look like I'm insane it's a tiny little tool

a little bob like a twist every now and again even though yous are going about in the world doing the same moves on a regular basis and just going

oh I've done a kai that's due to you at that point oh not regularly like I don't I don't I'm far from perfect but I don't feel like I

Make coffee without the fucking mug being there I don't think I've got that many When I was high all the time Even then, I think when I was high all the time I was super concerned about not Fucking up constantly I was trying so hard to not come across as a stoner That I was super concerned about not fucking up constantly I was trying so hard to not come across as a stoner

that I was actually way more present in the moments of getting shit done I will say this though I watched a man sorry you will get that point

I watched a man completely hoover a squash court without plugging the hoover in a what? a hoover he was called

Ian Katz I didn't ask I used to work he's brother's me accountant he might watch we were hoovering the squash courts

I plugged my hoover in and I hoovered the squash court Henry the hoover and then he heard my hoover running and thought it was his hoover running

great and then didn't even plug it in and just started hoovering so as soon as I switched on he was like oh fuck it just starts itself

and Hoover the entire neighbour in Squash Court with the noise of my Hoover throwing its voice Cara will occasionally be like

oh you've just eaten something that's out of date as if that was me like not reading the label on things but as I've said before I do not believe

in dates big dates no no straight to fucking I just don't But as I've said before, I do not believe in big dates. No. No. Straight to fucking. I just don't.

She's like, that chicken went out two days ago. I'm like, okay. Who gets sick more often in this fucking family? Is it me or you? Right. It's you, right? Because you don't that cook chicken for you. Well, that's clearly not good. she gets sick way more than me

because she doesn't challenge her body right she doesn't challenge her she's not putting her stomach on the front line every fucking day I was making corn the other day she's like

is the corn out of date I'm like I might sound like a conspiracy theorist here I don't think corn goes out of date like that's a visual check I'm not believing someone I might sound like a conspiracy theorist here. I don't think corn goes out of date. That's a visual check. I'm not believing someone, whatever corn's grown,

has been like, just fucking eyeballs it and goes, all right, that's going to be, after the 29th of September, that's fucking fucked. Print it, send out. And then I'm sat there on the 7th of October being like, well.

Yeah, I'm kind of right in our relationship in that I will check the date and assume that to be true and natalie will smell the food and base it on that oh one time when i lived with gav my brother um there was a tupperware in the fridge that had been there for a long time a very long time and i went to just throw out whatever was in the top of my head and I opened it and it was raw chicken and fuck me the smell nearly killed us the rotten flesh like literally rotten flesh it made us have like

you know when you watch the Saw movies and like rooting through rotten flesh for a key or whatever like that sort of stuff like will never come across how bad it is in real life the fucking smell of rot kicking in with flesh is one of the worst smells I'm getting sick thinking about it

bad that men they sandwich wood let's finish people listening to this podcast being like oh that's fucking worse if you leave it out longer it comes back on again I tend stuff I just don't the second you can

anything it's good forever I've watched enough zombie movies to know that that's absolutely fucking fine I do sometimes

check myself with zombie movie lore where you're going if I come into this house in a zombie movie and found this food as fresh as it is now three days out of date

but as fresh as it is now that is going to be the nicest I've ever dined, if I live in a zombie movie. If you're like, you know, if you're running away from the fucking Germans, and you find a house like that, like that,

that's a good, that's a good feed. So you do have to put yourself in wartime headspace, to enjoy our food. No, I just fucking think you're, I just think you're fucking good. We also, I believe I'm, I'm one of, I'm think you're fucking good also I believe

I'm one of I'm obviously in my fucking mid thirties I'm just like there's nothing an air fryer cures everything

and I mean fucking everything if they made them big enough to put fucking cancer patients in they'd be fine

like you just stick anything in an air fryer for long enough get the tumour out put it in the air fryer pop it back in symbiosis yeah yeah it's just now it's just a cool addition to your face

i saw somebody that would be really annoying if you were like i've got tumor i've got tumor in my back and they like take it out and they check it and they're like okay we've decancerified it and put it back in you're like oh no oh why man why'd you do that people are still gonna call me stegosaurus. Cullen's had his tumour out. Aye. Aye. His face started going yellow.

Did you see that? Aye. He sent a picture of his face. He looked like Homer Simpson. Yes. Bald and yellow. Yeah. They were going to, our friend,

had like a obviously non-cancerous sort of growth there. And they were going to like peel his fucking face off. Oh, yeah, because they give him the option of, what was it? Peel your face off and have a scar. Aye. Or keyhole surgery, and you might go a bit Bell's palsy. Yeah. Or one finger in one ear, hand over your mouth,

and then one of the nurses puts her mouth over your nose, and then you're, but what could happen? I'll imagine she's just feeling it down your neck. Now you've got a lump in your tit. You're like, fuck, we've turned this ear cancer into your neck now you've got a lump on your tit you're like fuck we've turned this ear cancer into breast cancer I've got breast cancer now and then she just

blows a bit harder and you're like now I've got testicle cancer well done alright great oh toe cancer I can look at that yeah I'd love that off

I'd use it barely use it just shows how much we know how the human body works we're like those are all connected by the same oh yeah it's all the same tube.

This present that comes out somewhere else. Well, how many miles of intestines do we allegedly have? Hundreds of miles. You could get to space. You could get all the way. Intestines back to back. You get the moon and back. This is the thing where I'm just like,

science has just said something. From my house to your house, who could use my small intestine? Not even the big one. And I'd be like, can you hear this? And you'd be like, yeah. At least 15 feet in total. Nah, fuck off science.

Not having it. No way. Is that the big and small one or both of them tied end to end? And that's not even your biggest organ. That's combined length. It's a penis and organ. The 15 feet is combined length. Combined length for both of them

So you tie them together But you're trying to escape from a tall building 15 feet, 3 Gareth Watts On his tiptoes 4 Joe Rogans Nah, not buying it It's the one to the moon and back is the DNA in your body

if you tied it end to end 6.2 billion kilometres which would get you from earth to the sun 41 times mine would get further than yours no I'm not I'm not having any of that I'm not a conspiracy theorist but sometimes

they just put stuff in school books to make it sound cool I'm just just gonna draw boobs i know what you're doing i'm just gonna write who i love in it but i did this forever but the amount of times i scribed that and like i cannot get out of that contract i'm in love with so many people forever whatever i said i said in the book man i'm worried i made the e part of the four uh four ever made the e and the four out like hold on how am i gonna do this with my hands the e4 logo no they did the fucking kyle of somebody logo i think you'll find how many e4s been on this isn't the time of four channels only I loved I loved I loved hang on

who did I love forever was it Jill aye uh huh I loved Jill forever and was that IDST as well I I think it has been destroyed

but fucking well IDST if destroyed still true so it's still true doesn't matter if it's destroyed yeah there was a Kirsty back then

aye who I loved for a fleeting moment in time but not all the contract states The contract states that I love Kirsty forever Yeah As well as Jill Yeah It's going to be fucking awkward

When they find out I hope they don't listen to this podcast Like I'm in trouble I don't know if I ever fucking wrote You know about when I wrote Someone who Valentine's card This was Catherine IDST who I love

I love Catherine there's a Catherine in there she fucking tip exed out my valentine's card and gave it to someone else fucking not even shitting you mate like imagine being the guy

that catches the tip exed valentine's card it's not as bad as being you alright when you put it like that spin doctor over here that is

that is I didn't feel special but neither should he alright like if you get a coin you scratch the hole you'll actually see I love him guy loves us said yeah

destroyed still true I remember fucking this podcast was just I was talking about the fact that we're old now remember the days when you could only send

fucking 80 symbols essentially in a text right and if you did more than that it was the price of two texts 120 symbols

was it 120 I made it I pulled the number out of my fucking arse but that's why the old school. Yeah, the text speak. Text speak was short, but you changed M8 to M8. You've got two characters left to still use.

Yeah, you've saved it. You send it fucking through. Yeah, I remember texting girls that I fancied on that method. Oh, do you remember when you used to have so much storage on your phone for like a small amount of messages, like maybe 10, 15 messages? And then you'd have the flashing message thing. I mean, there's a message pending, but there's not enough room in your inbox. So you're like, do I delete that funny picture of a man holding his penis using just brackets?

Or do I delete this message off a girl that is like vaguely suggests that she might be into us? Oh, yeah, yeah. is like vaguely suggests that you might be into us. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you're just left with a picture of a man with his penis made of brackets and you never know if you and that girl have still a chance. And the text comes through and it's just fucking orange telling you that your dolphin package has expired.

I owe two treats. Just blew it with a girl because it owe two treats. Do you know now you're older than I was when we started this podcast? Like two years. Oh, boy. Which sad fan pointed that out? I just thought of it. Oh, you did.

Damn it. I'm older than Marlene. I was when she signed us Oh That's not true Oh man That fucking Jesus

I was about to kill myself That's not true But hey It's closer to being true Than it is Like I'm closer to her age Now than I am to my age when when i was

saying i was talking to my pt today and we're talking about you know now there's like there's not just like one generation younger than me there's like two borderline three generations that are younger than me right and how much they've fucking uh changed and they're different and he was saying normally the first two weeks into university starting right for the past fucking two decades that he's been there first two weeks the gym is fucking empty because people are doing freshers week, doing drugs

drinking, fingering each other, going fucking mad for it out late nights whereas now Gen Z they're just all in the gym, they're all talking about mental health which this isn't me ripping them yet But like They're not going out and drinking Gen Z

Apparently do not drink And do not do drugs Oh yeah We've made it look that bad We've made it look shame What That I'm not having that

You can't fight I'm sorry They didn't see the fun we had They just see the problems that it's caused They just see the fact that it's aged real rapidly And we've got addiction issues they didn't see how class of time we're having to be for

you don't get to rewrite history right and say that I'm a fucking loser because I was doing heaps of drugs in my 20s that's not like

my only goal you can't change the goalpost to when I'm winning that's I just feel so and don't get me wrong obviously I've got respect for them

because I think that's the better way to be I wished I hadn't smoked as much weed in my early 20s oh but we had such a good time I know we were so cool we had the best time

but they don't think we're cool I know that I want to be fucking cool to you know because I think that's that's the sign of being a fucking loser oh yeah yeah

if you're trying to appeal to them if you're trying to be cool and we didn't understand that when we fought the other generation we weren't cool they didn't knock it for flying fuck what we fought yeah 100% when we fought the older generation weren't cool. They did not give a flying fuck what we fought. Yeah, 100%.

Like, I'm not at the stage where they're in fatherhood yet, but it's like, the sort of things, I've suddenly now realised all the times I was sort of saying to my parents,

you're not cool. And they're like, do you think I give a fucking shit what a 13-year-old thinks? I'm past that. Like, you're all fucking losers. You don't wear fucking belts.

You play fucking computer games. You're little fucking losers you don't you don't wear fucking belts you said you know you play fucking computer games you're little fucking loser you're cool you're cool all right stop holding me to your standards hi um like a new drug like don't go the generation below me they confused me right because they were like we're still doing drugs but it's care and i'm like oh boy fucking thank god i missed that generation what does a kit deal look like i don't know what a kit deal looks like what does a kit dealer look like what quantities do you buy in you but you go back yeah it's gotta be grams i don't think they fucking mix it up uh do they do they go like with cats do they go uh 50 quid a bag or you can

have a rocket fuel for 80 do they run that scam with cat well I guess if it's fucking rocket fuel for cat you just get deeper into the I've never done cat

I have done cat I thought I was doing coke I was it was brutal I was on my way to five a side alright whoever's selling cat

go and do us a favour go and make it pink or something go and change the colour of it like it's real it's not I think that's something

that they've done real bad that you can't just fucking make all the powders the same colour right coke should be red right just so you don't know

your nose is bleeding so you can just keep going you know what I mean all the coke's just falling on your nose just not a line of blood okay it should be

blue because it's for depressed people right meow meow not a line of blood okay it should be blue because it's for depressed people right meow meow should be green because you've got to be like

well you've got to know what you're fucking doing you can't be stopping that I had like a short pocket of time that was

meow meow face oh yeah that was yeah I remember when we were at the house party

and the kid came up to us and went Kai why are you chewing because I'm off my tits on what's it there meow meow what do we call it oh you chewing? Because I'm off my tits on, what do we call it?

Oh, MCAT. MCAT. I'm off my tits on MCAT. Like plant food. Kai, why are you chewing? I'm off my tits on MCAT to a child. I think that was the same party. It was before you were 30.

And I still can't believe I fucking did this. I think I was 19 or 20 year old at the time I put it was a fireworks night party so we were there for the fireworks I put a hundred quid bet on

with your dad that you would die before 30 I was 29 and I might have been 27 around then because I remember I remember that day

because we were fucking head on round about 20 2011 round about then we had a drive from Newcastle

to a place called Farnham that was seven hours and that was one of the only times in our driving days that you bailed on us and slept the entire way

right yeah yeah and that was with a fucking MCAT come down driving to Farnham we did have a good system of like I'm not just going to fucking leave you to like drive

like if we're driving through the night together the other person's awake so we can sort of swap over what if the other person normally made a couple of drinks your moral obligation is to stay awake so you're not listening to fucking late night radio by yourself uh it had a handful of albums that were had on repeat one was charlie simpson who hoodwinked by the way had no idea was the lead singer of busted until i was thoroughly enjoying him um the largely unknown ed sheeran who was who had played the blue

tent at a comedy festival we'd been at and then got into him and then he blew up pretty rapid after that where's he now though aye find out and it's true

and then I poke fun at him like it's cool to fucking slag him off even though I listened to him in his early days aye and also he seems like a dead cool celebrity

so does Charlie Simpson by the way Charlie Simpson I've not seen much of his stuff but like some of his like social media stuff gets out there he's not up there with James Plant but It's his idea. Like, Charlie Simpson, I've not seen much of his stuff, but, like, some of his, like, social media stuff gets out there. He's not up there with James Blunt,

but he's sort of... The only fun I poke at Ed Sheeran, in fairness, is that when he appeared on a fucking Eminem album, that wasn't on. Aye. That was, like, get out.

Aye. Get, like... Raisins in a potato salad. I like... Like, when, you know, that time when Molly and I offered with some Skittles, but there was Eminems in it as well,

and you get a handful of, like, yes, they look the same, but they're not the same. Yeah. Sweets, like abhorrent. You can't eat them things together. Man, when Ed Sheeran, like, it was like, I like Charlie Simpson. I don't want to see him in Method Man. No. That's not something I want to see.

I don't want ketchup on me custard, mate. Like, what are you doing? Do you think it's because like M&M's door was an Ed Sheeran fan? And then he was at the bottom of it like, well, I can do a fucking song with Ed Sheeran then? Or just like there was probably money in that fucking, in that cross-pollination. It made sense. He fucking does a bit of rapping and singing.

Eminem steps into pop. It fucking made sense, but it just didn't work for me. I was fucking saddened by that. So I make fun of that in, in my set. Like, the closest I've come to finding a tumour on me body

is finding Ed Sheeran in an Eminem album. But there ain't no one against him. No, he seems like a, he seems like a lovely one. He seems like a good, but yeah,

he was at no P. Diddy parties. There you go. Nah, he didn't fly to Epstein, Ireland. Nah. So what's the latest on P Diddy he's a wrongin what's he like is he

is he a pedo yeah I guess yeah I think like and then would like sort of he would Epstein it a bit like he would have these

fucking massive parties and then like like traffic traffic and women that didn't want to be there yeah and then like and then like doing the Epstein thing of like filming it and women that didn't want to be there yeah and then like and then like doing the

thing of like filming it and then holding it over other people so what's the dilly tapes that are gonna

crush everybody is that is that like tapes of this like it's because somebody pointed out that ush has

deleted these fucking twitter or something i i think ush i might be on the way out today i'm

not sure there's like there's gonna be like rappers are rappers from the fucking 90s are gonna be fucked because i bet you they the standards they fought the fucking hell for themselves like do not pass today's standards at all uh they were obviously fucking like i loved

rap music growing up i think but then when i look back and go and i they were all cunts like there's not like i was gutted when n Nate Dog died Because he was the fucking Chorus of my teenage years right Snoop's brother Which actually not No no The second name's not really Dog Oh mate

Pseudonyms Oh Obie Trey should have done that He would have done that right Nate Dog He would never have gotten past first wave of me too

nah not a fucking chance nah I don't know the man but but from his songs big gangster rapper

who does songs about women aye I mean who was fucking why's his name gone out of my head but he wasn't that romantic who's who's that one

DMX yeah he's thank god he's dead he was a naughty cunt I'm like but fucking you know what he gets a pass from me

I don't think I don't think that's I don't think that's that's how it starts you're separating the man from the art with DMX you're separating the monster

from the art I think I'm separating but I reckon do you ever listen to the rugged man occasionally i love his songs about how much of a dickhead he was when he was younger he's got some he's got some really good tracks on the um all my heroes of that album where he talks about how much of a wanker he was when he was younger he's just as soon as cool um so it's like So Peter he's been arrested Right

He's on suicide watch He's on suicide watch Yeah Fucking so is Epstein He's gonna bring Fucking every cunt Doing with him I don't think he's gonna

Fucking There's a certain type Of fucking god complex That surely you're not Not just Just don't kill themselves Do they Nah

Not yet Nah I haven't done it yet You haven't done it yet? Nah Do you think you did If like you were going to Become infamous though

Like do you think Like a narcissist Would leave like a fucking Carnage in the wake Because then they go right Like this is my fucking Coupe de Gras Oh like if you're

If you're about to If you're about to ruin my reputation You can't fire me I quit it Like it's going to be a I'll be the first person to do a mass suicide aye

I'm the first person I guess fucking I don't know I don't know what came across me I did the one thing I swore I'm being a narcissist

claiming to invent mass suicides before I do them yeah yeah I did it first 9-11 was the first one your first one yeah

I don't think I was the suicide one I suppose the job took a few of them no the person flying the plane that was but the11 was the first one Your first one Yeah I don't think I was the suicide one I suppose they jumped A few of them No The person flying the plane That was But the mass was the

Yeah The people who were murdered Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Apart from those that jumped

Yeah You can't kill me Yeah you can't kill me I quit I mean I get that That was when we were at the 9-11 museum Would you have jumped

Yeah Or would you have went down with the building Oh I would have jumped Would you have tried to live to the end 100% would have fucking jumped yeah or would you have went down with the building or would you have tried to live to the end 100% would have fucking jumped you'd get a little free fall also great time to just fucking finally check

if you can fly imagine that's how you fund it great day but how guilty would you feel if you jumped turns out you can fly everyone else sees you and be like oh fuck

and then lemons and that's on you I'd probably fly into the other building at that point. Just fly into the other one. What are the fucking chances? Fucking come on. When we were at the 9-11 museum,

which is harrowing in a really good and important way, it's just a good thing to see. I remember one of the really hard bits. Because there's all the distractions there's all like the calls of people phoning their loved ones to the plane

there's all the you know it's fucking brutal but one of the ones which was really hard to just watch was like there was a woman

who was about to jump and like before she jumped like she smoothed down her dress aww which is just like dignified yeah such a. Yeah.

Such a dignified way to just go, well, may as well look good for this. Yeah. Like, I mean, don't get me wrong. At no point was I watching 9-11 being like, well, that's not people. Who gives a fucking shit? But like, that's just such a like, oh my God. A human moment. Aye, aye.

A human moment before such an unhuman act. Not to say killing yourself is an unhuman act, obviously. But that wasn't depression based suicide. Aye. Have you read Terry Hayes I Am Pilgrim? No

There's a bit in that where somebody's somebody's running late for work I mean book spoilers alert end the podcast now because we're wrapping up anyway

if you're busy reading I Am Pilgrim there's a bit where they're walking to work and the towers get hit and it fucking dawns on them they're a ghost

No They're like presumed dead I'm fucking I'm off the grid Aye the towers get hit and it fucking dawns on them they're a ghost. No. They're like presumed dead. I'm fucking I'm off the grid and like become like read the rest of the book but there's a bit where

they just fucking notice that like the guy in red I can just fucking re-identify completely now. Nobody knows I exist. Oh. Who was Steve? Something from that television show fantasy football show in America Who Steve Something From

That Television show Fantasy football show In America Sitcom That called the league Steve Ranazizi

Or something I don't know Any of this He Comedian And like for fucking years Claimed and like Dined off the fact

That like he was in 9-11 And like survived it And then like several years later People went Dang it And he was in 9-11 and like survived it and then like several years later people went okay and he was like oh yeah sorry i made it wow uh steven ranas steven ranas claimed to be in 9-11 it wasn't how did they find him out what was the what was the i think like after all he's bragging about doing something that happened on that day elsewhere you gotta be everywhere be everywhere I think people

just fucking worked out that he wasn't like it was attaching yourself to a tragedy being able to fucking tell that story and then

having fucking nothing to do with it Also before we go there was a I shared it in the group the other day I can't remember any of these comedians' names

There's a comedian out there who's gone like super viral on TikTok gone up to like 1.1 million followers You can't remember any of these comedians names there's a comedian out there who's gone like super viral on TikTok gone up to like 1.1 million followers you can't remember Milo McCabe's

name he's your friend wait a minute is this the first time you've found out that Troy Hawk is Milo what

yeah literally just put a moustache on with a bit of that's not his moustache I've bad mouthed Milo to Troy

so many times not the other way around no never I like Troy Troy's funny I would say the world goes I would say the world goes throw this back

I can't make me mate grinding his down he does indeed he did he's just every fucking day talking about his vision porn. I just can't.

You can't be that positive and nice, man. Anyway, I'm meeting him around here. So just... That's when he's finished work. Comedian out there with like 1.1 million on TikTok, like a bunch of his clips have gone viral and then some other comedian was just like

just to let you all know I've done a bunch of research and because like you know when you're watching a comedian perform at a club on the set in the UK

I can tell what club they're performing in right it's either the wall of hot water it's the picture yeah you can see Monkey Barrel

you can see even the Blackfriars have got their unique backdrop. Yeah, the Glaze. You can see, and even in places where the comedy club doesn't have their brand on the wall, you can sort of tell by the room what venue it is. One comedian was like, I don't recognise any of these fucking rooms. And I'm in the same territory as this guy in America.

And they worked out that it is like fucking two bedroom apartment and just set up three fake stages and was filming stand up in his fucking room and editing in the laughter oh no and everything yeah and it went passable and the audience bought it yeah oh man

I can fucking show you the the clips I will fucking man I kind of believe they're stealing Mark Nelson's lockdown. Fucking stand lockdown. I mean, that was fucking incredible over lockdown. Doing stand-up to an empty room to live stream. The ball's on the man. And then we could pre-record and send them in to perform on it.

But at least then you got another take. So you could go, I butchered that. I'm going to do it again. Are you finding? I'm finding that. them in to perform on it but at least then you got like another take so you can get on a butcher that i'm gonna do it again are you finding i'm finding that i'll show you the clips and see if you can hear you know why dogs are better than cats oh the cat will try to bite your hand off if you accidentally touch it in the exact wrong spot but you could smack a dog in the nose and they're like do you want to play frisbee the pause for laughter now how do we feel about that he's doing manual ai he's doing he's doing analog yeah he's he's doing artificial intelligence with actual intelligence by the way the name is acoustic i mean none of this is a fucking secret. I found out from an article. The guy's name is Pete Guercil, P-W-E-T-G-U-E-R-C-I-O.

The guy that fucking outed him is called Anthony Zuccaro. I've not seen any of his stuff. This is just... Well, because here's the thing. Like, when I saw him, like, gross. That's not on. That's absolutely fucking... Especially outside of COVID.

That's just objectively fucking cheating but apparently like he's got 1.1 million fucking followers on uh tiktok and he'll be going to do they not mind people couldn't give a fucking shit i'm trying to think as you know like saying the format that elliot does where he's walking through the park that's like a written stand-up stuff he's not trying to perform with his stand-up but like he's doing his rant at the camera you're my audience i'm doing it to you he's doing that with a performative lens yeah but it's the deception of it that's icky yeah it's it's it's it's well it's also like that could have been such a funny clip if it just had a three second cut to him perform to an empty room yeah

if it showed the workings in pen and tell edit and didn't claim it to be magic but just went this is the trick this is how you do the trick that would have been so much more impressive a clip if he went i fucking hell i thought he was in a yeah but like imagine he goes to fucking like sold her rooms of like 12 1500 fucking people it's like man you've not you don't know how to do this like you you all of these clips like that fucking people it's like man you don't know how to do this all of his clips like that he's not just going

right how am I going to get more clips out I've created demand I'm not getting enough stage time to put these clips out I could just perform

them here and doctor them and then I can keep churning them out or is he just denying himself the stage time because it's hard

and he doesn't want to learn I don't know I don't fucking know message him some of the stuff is like real like there's audience heads

okay so he has done stand up you could edit that yeah yeah so that could also be in his that could also be

in his room nah I feel like that's real but most of them look like they're in front of like very easily I mean

would you shake his hand in the green room what are these fucking who's what am I doing who's

playing with me let's wrap this up because you've got to move house yeah and I've got to get back to my dog and also we've done an hour thank you for listening to the podcast

see you next time