Sloss and Humphries On The Road - The Sloss Vs The Humphries: Christmas Quiz (Teaser)

Episode Date: January 10, 2025

For the full 2 hour episode including the quiz itself please subscribe to our Patreon. This is just the pre-drinks.   Between Xmas and New Year the wives joined Muggins and Cream on the podcast for a bumper drunken festive special, where they compete to see who is the smartest couple by answering quiz questions written by our more spenny patrons, ending on a girls only section of "We Love Them, But..."

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin, livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head to make you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, Muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or Magical Street Cynical Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglipedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Strawberry ones. Don't get it wrong, yeah, he's fucked up by getting the strawberry ones and not the rum cans. I mean, that's rich. Considering you bought the strawberry ones and didn't think they were rum cans. No, I didn't buy them. That was from the shit with the... It also, erm... I mean, we've got a strawberry theme going on. It's very sweet on this table. And your wife, your wife just proven

that's just not just a character in my sitcom. She just has a 40 ounce of smear of things. Had I known you were gonna make me a strawberry satin, I would have gone for that. Do you wanna fucking tape a bag with it? And just get on the street? No, no, no, no, we'll have sex later. God, this is so good. How are you you able to put that suit in a towel?

Yes, probably. Yum, yum, yum. Oh yum, yum, yum. We went to see Vengaboys and we were drinking Blue Wicked. How was that? Well, do you know what? It was great until my friends got attacked by neds and... There were neds at Vengaboys?

You wouldn't believe it. They got refuted by Vengaboys. And we were at the very front and the Venga Boys actually The Venga Boys actually stopped and said Guys, no fighting, just love No! While my two friends were getting their hair pulled by Neds from Airdrie They got their hair pulled and everything

Oh my god, it does not show me they're from Airdrie We found them on Facebook And one of them in a fucking little Frenchie And I was like, oh Frenchies Can you imagine me being in my pride when Natalie's ringing the sages fighting the Venga Boys? The Venga Boys told us off! They said if you don't stop the Venga Buzz is coming! We missed all the songs, we had one Venga Boys song and I was so excited, I was looking forward to it all night

Which one was it? The Ultra Beat were amazing, we heard Going to Ibiza Did it? And then that was it Your wedding song? Yes Yeah Exactly all night. But Ultra Beat were amazing. We heard Going Tabitha. Did you? That was it. Your wedding song? Yes. Yeah.

Exactly. Beautiful. I'm just going to go to the bathroom but you can start the podcast. Okay. Is that how ready we are? No, God, I'm trying to talk about my hair. Yeah, we can. That's all day. No, I think people will definitely want to hear about you being a very wee fucking chav.

I'm just waiting for her to come out with a story about her being fingered at at a Cascada concert. No, no, no. I was going to tell the story of the girl with the club lad who was in the club. I was going to tell the story of the girl with the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the club lad who was in the fucking chav. I'm just waiting for her to come out with a story about her being fingered

at at a Cascada concert. No, no, I was going to tell the story of the girl with the clubland fluffy boots on breaking my shoulder. Oh, yeah. Cause we got in a fight, it wasn't us. You were judging a boot with a broken shoulder. That's why she broke my shoulder. I was hanging in a sluggy leg, like in one of them. No, that's why she did it, cause we had pointed out her shoes and she started a fight on them She was cheap, landed on them Get sensitive about those kind of shoes

She loved them shoes I had a pair, I was just questioning why she was still waving them You're as late as ever And what was the concert? She, er, well It was just in Bangkok. Did you get pulled over the like, barriers like that? No, I'd been at the Lady Boys of Bangkok

for my birthday. Went out in Aberdeen after and a girl was just in, it was like a, a Weatherspoons or something. But wearing clubland giant fluffy boots. Hang on, we went. You were watching Lady Boys of Bangkok with her spoons? No, we were in town watching Lady Boys of Bangkok with her spoons. We were in the town watching Lady Boys of Bangkok.

Went out after. To wear the spoons. Afters and with her spoons. For an Aldi breakfast. Aldi breakfast. So the boys of Bangkok went, this is a bit too classy. It's called just the smell, but it's with her spoons. Oh, I think that's the one in the corner right? No it's on Union Street.

Yeah the corner. Oh and then there's the hotel at the back of it. Yeah. Oh wait are you Aberdeen? Is this the Aberdeen story? Yes, I was 23. And then on our way out. It's like five years after we met.

I think we'd be met a year later. And then there was a bunch of girls wearing Clubland outfits and one of my friends said look she's wearing the giant fluffy boots and apparently that was incredibly offensive and she started like pushing them into moving cars and I'm a little rottweiler so I thought I could save the day. Rottweiler? What? What did you say?

I thought I was a the day. Rottweiler! What? What did you say? I thought I was a... I thought I was a rottweiler! Rottweiler! Nellie please. Okay sorry yeah no you're a rottweiler. I was a little rottweiler because I was very very drunk and then she pushed me into a doorway. Jack Russell is what you're looking for like you're looking for Jack Russell. Oh that probably would have survived it then.

She landed on me and smashed my shoulder. Yeah. What did you tell your mum? I had to tell her what happened because the police had been walking down the street and they filed a report against me. It was the fashion police. They were there about the boots as well. And it went to court.

It was a whole thing. I didn't press charges but because the police saw it happen they were like, you... They just have to show a button code. Check the guy and the judge is like... Hold me back! She's like the defendant who threw himself towards the judge in Vegas last year. It was a really embarrassing day. That's just in the duckling sea.

It was really embarrassing all round. Anyway, I know what you've been through. Thank you. Thank you for your empathy. Did you actually get pulled over the front of the seat? No, no, no, I didn't, obviously. I was having a lovely time, but... Were they still doing HR?

LAUGHTER No, we were at the front, and I think these neds wanted at the front. Yeah. And they just basically threw a drink on one of my friend's faces and then one of my friend's friends. Piss? Was it piss? Did they throw?

I think it was worse, it was like blue wicked. So that's staining. Cara, don't listen to it. Staining. Don't listen to it. Jesus. We were all drinking it but you don't want to waste it and you don't want it on your top. And then my other friend threw a drink on her friend and then I just turned around

and having the best time. And that was definitely pissed. Yeah, and there was confetti and everything. I was having the best time and then boom, hair being pulled everywhere and their hair was like... Well done for knowing that. I know Vanggold boys! He's old enough to know that, Cara. How do you know that? He doesn't know anything!

I actually had my first test at Boom Boom Boom. 13 years old. Boom Boom Boom. Was that a jungle? No, I did. Apartments, unders. Just the neds, just a little random neds. She's a fucker on a tape, don't she? Yeah, I think that set me up actually. Was your first man a bit rough?

I don't know, I didn't know his name or anything, my friend was just like, go kiss him and Bingo Boys boobaboo was fine. And I went over and kissed him and then we retreated and I never saw him. I don't even know what he looks like. Wow. You know. But it was the boobaboo. It was bo we retreated and I never saw him. I don't even know what it looks like. Wow. You know? What about the boom boom boom? It's the boom boom boom!

I remember the song. I don't know his name but I remember the song. And the very good boys were like, hey guys, it's not about this. Because all my friends were doing this little dance around us. Oh man, imagine it, imagine it! You tried the boom boom boom! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine at one point, one of the girls who's throwing the drink at your mate, right, her

boyfriend pulls her back to get out of the fucking fight and then you make a contact with him and you suddenly realise he was the guy, boom boom boom starts playing, Nala gets out on one knee. We kissed a dead mouse? Not a dead mouse. Yeah, I just want to be clear. It wasn't like, ehh, this restaurant's got rats. Errrr, errrr.

What a move. Was it, is this a dead raspberry? When did you and Caracas sell some? Yeah, go on. It was in Aberdeen, I think it was on the street. It was in a phone box. I think you've got enough go on It was in Aberdeen I think it was on the street It was in a phone box It was in a phone box? Was he becoming Superman?

She got knocked back from the pub because she didn't have ID It was just a joke I was 19 It was my non-space It's gone through my non-. I'm nearly out of it. And I remember you and Loddie coming and dragging us out because we were going to the casino. Yeah. We all needed to walk in together.

Not because I didn't have ID. Because I was 19, I was 5. I come with the phone box straight in me tie and I didn't even have one on when I went in. Ken left his shirt then. And then we ran around the casino, throwing chips around. But not casino chips? No, not actual chips. Gracie chips.

Oh, okay, that's fair enough. Sorry, I just assumed. You'd be a seagull. No, I think I'd played like the roulette table. Yeah. In one, five or something. By money. And then I went back to the motel. I went back to the motel with two other women.

Yeah. Was that Easter Island head, like? Easter Island head, aye. God, who were the other two women? The one with Easter Island head, yeah. I think she was calling you Easter Island head. I wasn't calling anyone Easter Islander. I'm the one that's joking about this.

I went Easter Islander and you went who were the other two women? I'm like fucking brilliant slam from Matthew. I didn't actually know what he said. I was just like fake laughing. Oh don't admit that you do that. Matthew landed that to make her look like it wasn't accidental and he killed her. Span ship. Does a lot of aid and things. I think I got home at quarter past five that night and then I had to get off of work in our late night.

I just made a couple of bits in the chip shop. Greasy chips this time. Ah, the Premiering days for you two. Yeah. Wasn't you at the lemon tree? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Premiering was right across the road. That was actually the one where we went to check in and they went to rooms next to each other.

I saw a check in and then you went, oh yeah, so I can listen to them not shagging. I remember you two this backstage. And it was just- Backstage is a straw. It wasn't backstage, it was just sort of tiny little cupboard with furniture stacked on top of each other and a piano. Yeah, it's good to see you have the piano.

It sounds like an omen right now. Oh boy, you've done so well here. Is that why you didn't kiss me there? Because you were like, he's not... This one's... This one's not ripe yet. You've got them to grow. But this one's still in the... This one's this one's not ripe yet But this one's still in this this one's still in the soil the one's still in the soil look like it's going somewhere

You know what Natalie had to put up with this Christmas the several things The most recent one right is I've had us all Christmas looking for the car key that I left behind. Where's your phone is right now? Like I just took it with me. Are you through here? So I've got it. You need to have to find it though. Yeah of course I know where it is.

Bum bum bum bum bae back around. So before I went to Europe I was like I'm not going to need this in Europe if you lose your car key I don't need your second car key mailed away from home and you need it. So there's the second car key, right? And just give it to Natalie. And then I've spent the whole time since I got back looking for where I put it.

Do you know where Natalie found it? Guess where Natalie found it. And is this where she had put it or where you had put it? It doesn't matter who put it there, Daniel. But like I've checked everywhere car keys would be. And it's at the point where I'm like, I'm going to have to start like... I put a little bit of hot dog under there.

It's stuck. That's trapped. Poor Peggy. So I'm trying to find it in all of the obvious places before I'm like, I'm going to have to actually gut the house because it's behind a crevice somewhere. It's a key fob for a... just a key fob. this is before I'm like, I'm gonna have to actually got the house cause it's behind a crevice somewhere. It's a key fob for a, just a key fob, like a thick key fob. Like a flick blade, the key popsuit. Yeah.

Pocket or on the fucking key holder? Key. The key holder. It was in, we have a little box of keys beside the door. And Kai was like, we can't find the car key, can't find the car key and I obviously didn't also check the key box. Why would you? Daniel, Daniel.

Why would I? Me, like instantly just trying to spin it when she found it. Right, I'm just saying, the box you've been in and out of all month while I've been gone. Getting your keys and putting your keys back in, You didn't have to notice it, no? But I actually looked in there. And then he went, oh. I took everything out. No you didn't, you can't have.

I took everything out apart from what I just saw was your two key fobs. I've got two key fobs from your old house. Yeah. And they're both in there. As well as the car key fob. And I've still got them, but as well as the car key fob. Yeah. One, two, three, one, two.

And then he was like, are you gaslighting me the way that Daniel did to Jean with the pain? No. That story lives in the pain. And I was like, oh. You think that would be disfusant? I would never do that.

I would never do that. I've never done anything of the ill sense. I've never lost anything in it, so. Oh, this bitch. I fucking swear to God. I've never done a guy. Every single day, she'll walk into the room, and it's like, to be fair, you know. I've never done a guy. Every single day she'll walk into the room and it's like, to be fair, you know whenever I've lost,

you'll know whenever I've lost my vape because I'll just start going, she'll be like, you lost your vape? I'm like, no. I just need to, I just need to check all around and just really splay over it. She loves it when you've lost something as well. Loves it.

I've never lost anything. She just starts leveling up. She's like, it's like caffeine for her. She's like, oh, somebody's lost something out there. This has never lost anything. I'm gonna go and watch this to stay. She's lost the car keys, I'm gonna say no less than 47 times in the past month.

That's not even the worst one. What was? My purse. Oh yeah. I constantly lose my purse. Purses are irrelevant nowadays My purse. Oh yeah? I constantly lose my purse. Purses are irrelevant nowadays anyway. I've got my phone. But I don't know why, but I think it was like my loyalty card for when I get my wadzies or

my hailstorm. I was due for 25% off and I couldn't find it. Oh that is important, that is annoying. And I couldn't find it anyway. And every so often you'd walk in, and you knew where it was. I didn't know where it was, but Cara is a person who doesn't ask for help. So if she doesn't ask for help,

I'm not fucking giving it to her. So she would look around there and be like, am I looking for something? She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'd help. No, you wouldn't, you never help. I'd never help him. You'd never help a guy.

I'd never help him, because this is his stuff, it's always in the fucking keyhole there. It's exactly him. Just help us by looking there, looking there first. Ha ha ha. So that was number one. Even though that was the most recent, but it was ongoing. The other one, Danny.

And Clara. But I think you're gonna love this the most. You know, I've got a diesel car now. Oh, of course you did. No, I didn't put petrol in it Daniel. Oh Man you have to put this add blue like Exhaust fluid so that yeah diesel car can go in the less zones Right, we don't actually know how factually accurate that is. We just know you need to put it in there fluid so that your diesel car can go in the less zones. We don't actually know how factually accurate that is. We just know you need to put it in the car. It tells you you've got 1500 miles

before you need to put AdBlue in. So some of the girls have to put in your car. So then there's the yellow cap, which is your diesel, and the blue cap, which is the AdBlue. And I'm loading the boot with the same sort of stuff on Christmas Eve, right? And then I'm like, oh, I've bought this because I knew I'd need it.

Right? And then they got the thing and just put it in the diesel cap and got Natalie to hold it and then start trying to pour it into the diesel tank I'm tired of it being me here, but it can be offended. It just started pouring through the gaps. This is meant to be a filter of the day, just put it all over the St. Louis car park and all over the car. To be fair, when I was holding the filter, I wasn't holding it properly. So I still, I thought it was my fault at the time. I was like, oh fuck, I've just poured a whole thing

of ad blue all over the car. And then that quickly went to, oh thank fuck, I've just poured a whole thing of ad blue all over the car and not in the actual tank. That was bad. You going from... I was very balanced about that. I was very kind. Yeah, you were. I wasn't mean at all about that. And I didn't try to spin that. I instantly was like, oh, that was very kind. Yeah, you were. I wasn't mean at all about that. And I didn't try to spin that. I instantly was like, oh, that was all me.

Yeah. You were holding the funnel? What were you thinking? I was kind about that. Just put it in the right one, will you? I did feel like that was my fault until I realised that you just gave me that. Oh, yeah, I was never going to let you take it. I won't just blame for that one.

And then, that's such a two. I, Christmas Eve, same day, right, leading out the car to tell the taxi driver two minutes. Yeah. Forgetting I've got a dog. My dog was gone. We've been keeping our hostage. Turns out Peggy just f**ked off with the hoose. Laked it. Million miles an hour, we've been keeping our hostage. Turns out Peggy just fucked off with the hoose. Licked it. Million miles an hour.

We've been keeping our hostage this whole time. Yeah, or just, she saw a door and she left. She was like, oh man, freedom. I had sprinted after her. She nearly ran in front of a car. That's great. It was very similar to our moment. Yeah.

With the old G's of the podcast. They came back and told us the entire story as we were a part of it As if you weren't a part of it As if we weren't a part of it This guy with a dad bod Good day I've been on pain for

And is Natalie let you down in anything? Should we wait for him? Yeah, I've been on fine form. And is Natalie like you don't have anything in shape waiting for him? Yeah, not really. We did have an excruciating time in Sainsbury's before we did the AdBlue. Oh, what happened there? You're going to love this, you're going to hate this. I'm so excited. I can't remember what it was. We had a nectar card voucher.

Oh, Daniel. Daniel, I was so composed through all of this. And I don't shop in Sainsbury's usually. Alright. But. What's that? But. Aldi.

Yes exactly right. Alright ok. But. But I wouldn't normally go sort of market Daniel if it wasn't for this voucher. We had a voucher. Oh there's butlers here, this is really dally. I actually really enjoyed my brows and scenes with you but we had a voucher. And I was there.

And it was, it was, spend £50 and get £7.50 off and I was like great, we're going to go and spend this voucher. But we're only spending £50 exactly. Exactly. So then we get our decision. No, no, no, no, no, well, kind of. So we... Stimulations is here. So on the voucher, it's a paper voucher, it's not even in the app, right? It prints out and you can only use Day or Christmas Day. We're not going to be shopping on the 27th. So I was like, we're just going to go use it now. We'll buy everything we need in the house. And I was like, I think we'll spend £50. And you were like, yeah, probably. But there was like a little exclusion that says, does not include alcohol.

We're like, okay, that'll be harder, but okay, we're going to do it. So we had it go. We had all our stuff. We spent more than we needed to spend. We had all our stuff. We had the self checkouts, we had a bottle of Kalu that we kept aside, we were like no no no, that's alcohol. So we were ringing everything through and we spent, we got so close, it was like £47 or something? £47 and I was like right we need to spend £50.

So she ran off into the store while I was just like exiting the screen saver and fucking just wanting to just tap the card and run away. Just put some mad blue in me diesel and kill yourself. So I was like well we'll get some batteries and we came back got batteries £52 I was like yes this card is good. That's like a percentage like 20% or something so that's quite good. Well you can't do the maths I I'm going to tell you, it's 20%. Not quite 20%. It's not 25%.

Anyway, so we bought two little bottles of gomme syrup, which is like sugar syrup for the cocktails, but it's found in the alcohol aisle. On a technicality? They didn't. And on a technicality, they checked our ID, because we were not allowed to buy the gomme syrup. They checked his ID? Well no, they didn't really because we were not allowed to buy the gom set up. They checked his ID?

Well, no, they didn't really. They just said visibly over 25. Um, but. I didn't quickly take the corner. I found it. Don't fuck off, it's not your problem. Wait, wait, wait. Just.

And so our two bottles of gom set up, which were six pounds in total. Oh, it's down. Oh, it takes us down to. It takes us down to like. It takes us down to like four. Ah-ha. And so we were like, excuse me, takes us down to like, ah, and so we were like, excuse me, we have a voucher. And I was laughing to myself,

because as a younger person, I'd have died, I never wanted discounts for anything. But as an older person, I was like, this is the only reason I'm here. I would be in fucking Azar Aldi, I came for your discount. Imagine I'm qualified if somebody was like, okay, no. No.

Oh yeah, aye. And so we had two... I'm having a good feeling this isn't Ali. Her dad is much more sensible than this. She's not this insane woman, screaming out a man about sugar syrup in the middle of a hall four. You'll never believe this dog lady.

Dog lady? Not a cat lady. We had two assistants come over. We were like, our voucher's not working. And actually... Are they going to get a higher up? Yes. Black belt? One of the black belt salespeople shops.

To be fair, I thought you'd be like, it doesn't matter. And I also was thinking, I always put these vouchers in the bin. I never, ever spend them. I don't actually care. Because I was trying to spend this voucher, I did care. Now the cameras are all met. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I would be actually care. Because I was trying to spend this voucher, I did care. Now the cameras are rolling now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, well.

I mean, I would be telling the story about it actually. But, so, so too, so then they were like, oh, you can go get some more stuff and bring it over the thing. And I was like, we've already got extra stuff. And I was like, we'll return the batteries. Just to return the batteries. So we brought it back down.

We brought it back down. I'm gonna get my disc out. I'm gonna get my... I'm not, I don't we'll return the batteries. Just return the batteries. So we brought it back down. I'm not going to get my disc out. I don't need fucking unnecessary batteries. I'm just going to steal a dildo from the button. Although, to be fair, I actually do regret giving the batteries back because I actually needed them for my candles.

True candles. Yeah, like the flickery, true glow candles. Welcome to the future baby You know the ones that just turn on Yeah, yeah But they don't smell I have a diffuser And that's also

electric She said this and this is fucking mental She the other day, we come down from the next shop. I don't even know what this story is. And she puts all these candles on this third candle on the table. And has to explain to me for two minutes. She's like, this one can be lit. Whenever you like.

Depation. These are never lit. And I'm like, on special occasions. She's like, no, no. Never. Is that why we were sitting in the dark in the living room? I wondered. I thought we should light these candles. No, that's the main one that lights up, so when you light it, it's also electric and

it lights up by the side. Oh, that's really fancy. You play a battle of the games and don't use the spells. You don't use any of the scrolls or the potions. You just haul them. That is how you would play a game. If you were ever playing Zelda or Stardew Valley and somebody gave you a thing that was like a one use. No you don't use them. Yeah that is who you are. Keep them safe. Keep them until you really need them. Yeah but then you've ended up finishing the game

you haven't used them. Just use the stuff in the game. The future. Well I'm living in the moment now so so now I would use all my I would use all my spells in the moment now. It's my new life choice. You had a really sad moment actually where you realised you didn't get any candles for Christmas? Yeah, I know, I can believe it. There are so many, do you want one? Yes. You're thinking of birth dates. She does have one.

She was like, it's my 39th Christmas. Happy Christmas to me. So she's a merry good fellow. So she's a American fellow, so she's an American fellow. I was really sad, I dished out loads of candles for Christmas and no one gave me any. I got loads of candles and diffuser things. I'll give you a candle. Thank you, I appreciate that. You're not allowed to use it!

You've got a lot of decoration candles in the spare room. Oh, can we light them? You can light one. One. Smells really nice actually. Set the mood. Set the mood. Put a bit of Luther van Dros on Spotify. We can't hear you, we're upstairs.

You wouldn't be able to hear us anyway, Kara. He didn't even know I was having a threesome, I'm going to premiere and Aberdeen. LAUGHS I love the wrist-swagging that from the ball. I can't put it in that. No, you can. That would be silly. Well, to be fair, if you want to get another round before we actually start the games, I'm pretty sure the Marguerite...

Which one did we have? I don't know. I don't know. Oh, did you make an island? We don't know, I don't know. Oh, did you make an island? We did. Yeah, put on a porn star martini ones. Should we do an ad for the Ninja slushie? No.

No, they need to give me a free one first. Oh yeah, they need to, okay, they need to agree to the ad. Okay. Just give me a free one. And until they sponsor us, no one will know how perfect their product is. I've been writing on my teeth, you don't need to put the glint on me teeth that you normally do

he looks really good though remember they were all discolored and brown and Showing them off like a show point. Yeah, like a bit. Trying to sell us. You're so loose, these two. You've got all of them on. I'll give you a showing. Take that off the table, it's lowering the tone. It is. Much higher tone now.

Where's the candles? Shall we do a round first before we can get more drinks for you? On shots? No. Who mentioned shots? You said round? Round up the drinks?

Popquets? I mean... Oh, right, yeah, yeah. But shall we have shots though? Have you got shots, Kara? I've got shots, Kara. Shall we do some shots? No, what?

What kind of shots? Tequila? Oh man. Just a casual tequila. Do you know how I fucking hate it, right? When you're getting, like, she'll do shots with a group of people in a bar, right? And everyone's like, all right, go ahead, let's do shots.

And then someone's like, baby Guinness? And you're like, oh, 15% juice. Like, oh, wait man. Well, I'll just gear up for something where I'll just make like a psychological commitment to just put myself through a bit of something to level up and know where I'll just think

I will it depends it depends where the lemon drops. It's like playing a computer game on story mode. Where does the lemon drop? I could make some lemon drops. You can make lemon drops. How dare you tell me something I can't do. Are you doing this right now? Tell me I can and I'll show you I can. I nearly got a little tattooed on myself. Did you? I nearly got a little on myself. Did you? I nearly got a tattoo. Oh, there's no way you'd be able to suck my dick. No, there's not. Yeah, there's a hole in your back. I lost track.

What happened there? Do you make lemon drops? Yeah, that's what Jill made for my interview. That's what Jill made for my interview. Are they doing it at Jill's? I'm not you. You need sugar syrup for that. I've got sugar syrup for that.

Well, there you go. It's not alcohol, but I think it is. Did you get your discount? No, it's Ainsbury's. No, no. Did you get your discount that. I've got sugar syrup for that. Well there you go. It's not alcohol but I think it is. Did you get your discount?

No, it's Ainsbury's. No, it's been in the cupboard for like a year. It's in date, I checked. Yeah, sugar and water. Good sugar, really. Well I'll get another round of... Question, does Bailey's garner a date when it's open? Is that like once it's open, it's open?

No, no, no. Because it's milk and cream and that, isn't it? Once you get a shot of Bailey's then. The only time you ever get a date is if you Google that. Is that like once it's open, it's open? No, no, no. Because it's milk and cream in that, isn't it? If you... What do you get short of Bailey's then? The only time I ever was out of date is if you Googled that. And then otherwise it's fine. Because I didn't Google it. I just, I was sorting like a room out in my house.

There was just like a lid half on Bailey's that had been there since last Christmas. So there's dead mice in it. We'd start nagging on. I just, I wasn't sure. Cause it's like cream in that isn't it? No milk and cheese never go off. Milk doesn't go off, cheese doesn't go off. Milk doesn't go off, it levels up into cheese.

Does Charmander go off because of Charizard? Would you like a cheese with your coffee? Well yeah you have to use it for a specific purpose. You can't use gone off milk. So do you just go and pour in your tea and then go, eh, I'll just have my toast instead. No, you'll get really unwell. You'll get parasites.

I know. I'd quite like a parasite. And the French managed to make that look classy. They just let milk go off. You don't like the French. I hate them. Really? No, I actually don't hate the French anymore.

They changed. Oh, you've grown. This is Spanish I hate. I feel sorry for the Spanish. Yeah, no, the French, the French won me over with their Paris cakes about five or six years ago. I told them we were wrong, I still think Paris is full of wankers, but I like France. Parasites. Did you get parasites? They had loads of bed bugs as well last year, do you remember?

Because we were going over for the Champions League Wait, I saved a lot of recipes, I'm going to get one just for this little short thing we're talking about I said two of them, I went and dropped them Yeah but I've got like res...res...res...res Res! Where's Kara from the midwest? This is about Jesus Christ I got some raspberries down by the crack

Sorry normally we keep black cara for the bedroom only. But I'm glad. Black cara. You're going to suck that dick or shall I? They get cocked, suck it. Stop. I need to fuck you. It's my place. You can only say angles, she's telling Tom and Jerry off. I'm crying.

Leave upstairs. God, I'm so funny. I'm sorry, can I mention Tom? Have you just got any US resolutions coming up? No. Yeah, fucking what? Yeah, we've got all of these things. New resolutions?

Just pushing through things. Of course we have, can't we? They're in the card! Next question, is this the quiz that we'll win in 1-0? I'm sorry, I'm in the room, I'm just not listening. That's the rule of your autobiography. I'm in the room but I'm not listening. Natalie's made a New Year's resolution beep periodically like a fire alarm that's going out of battery. Yeah.

Just kind of occasionally just beep. We were talking about that. That's what's saving to New Year's resolution. I'm talking about New Year's resolution. I did say that line. I think we're going to be periodically. That's our version. I've got black out. I've got black Natalie.

Okay, I've got ingredients for eight or for ingredients for one. So am I doing a big bag? Let's do eight and have two each. Okay then. We can do the ingredients for one and do four. I've been using the Brilliant app. You come across a brilliant app, yeah? I don't know what you're talking about. It's just an app that does like,

just lessons in algebra, maths, like, you can learn calculus on it, but it's just like quiz-based like app. I know that computer already knows calculus, no point teaching it to me. That's the machine that does it. That's where we learn from.

What have you been showing me? Maybe I should have run Shaggy If you're already a nut calculus, no point teaching it to me. That's the machine that does it. I don't know where we got the Maldives. Do you know where we got it from? What you fished all the way to the west? Can I send the Maldives? Maybe I'll shack it and screw it over. I'm a... Can I send a little maths app in the Maldives? Aye, it was on the street. And we'd be sitting there doing a wee logic puzzle

and I'd be like, I think it's this and he'd be like, na na na na na. And then obviously I was right. Was that after you got some fish? Yeah. You know this about my wife. She got taken to Westminster to collect an award for being the best... West where?

Westminster. Westminster. She met William Hague. William Hague you? William Hague. Because you are the best journalist in the country when you are 13. That's right guys. Well I'm a published poet so...

Okay well we're in a label based kind of... We're talking about real art, yeah journalism. We'll get to that in a minute. Well... When we were cleaning out... Daddy was like, I wrote a word search! We were cleaning out underneath the bed this morning.

Come on now, come on now. Yeah, just sight-glows everywhere. I haven't worn them since we moved in this house. Yeah, it was good. But the previous owner didn't want a third. And we found my 1999, I wrote an article about General Pinochet. Oh, that's good. General P Pinochet. I'm sure you know Was the Chilean dictator Oh and I wrote a tabloid article about him like as a part of like a

Right And I won I was a whole the UK it was entered into a tabloid, it was entered into a tabloid competition. Oh no, of all the UK, who entered into a fucking journalism competition? Well, there was probably like four or five of us and I won. And it was like under 14s, whatever.

I love that. And I got flown down to the Houses of Parliament, and there's a picture of me with William Hague and no with my PE teacher Mrs Malloy Oh thank god there was Mrs there Otherwise this was the start of the worst story I've ever Well once they found out I was a nerd the PE teacher flew me to London

But it's funny because they wrote us a whole letter with the itinerary of the flights and Mrs Malloy offered to pick me up from my house, flew all the way down to London and went round the houses of parliament for my tabloid article. Oh wow. Yeah! Did you do Abernethy? Published writer. Did you do Abernethy? I don't know what that means.

When you write poems and they publish them. No, no, when you were primary 7. You got to go on a school trip. Oh, ours was our version of Abernethy. What's Abernethy? Ours was Ford Castle. You did it too? Ford Castle, yeah.

Like in your last year of... You must have done a lot of your school. She made the fucking promise. She probably went skiing. No, not for my primary schools. So what did you do at your primary school? Primary school is Mar Malish Farm. Oh no, we went to Holland, what?

In...1997? If it's not William Hague, it's the Hague. When you were in Primary 7? We went to Holland. Did you guys not go to Holland? We went to Abernethy. We went to Abernethy. I don't even know what Abernethy means, is that a place? No, Ardroy. Abernethy means, is that a place? No, Ardroy, Aberdowers in Fife

We all went on a ferry to Holland and got clogs and tulips and everything Like genuinely, and windmills Well I went abseiling and jumping in cold rivers That sounds worse It was an exchange programme, a lot of Dutch kids come over and got like childhood pregnancy Did you know that? Yeah, okay That was actually a state school that I went to in Glasgow. We still went to Holland. The four parents were like only Holland, let's get her private. I wasn't allowed to go to any of the school trips in my school because they were too expensive.

Really? You may be kind of see where this is coming from. So your parents have paid as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it was always like China, it was like really far away places, it was like thousands of pounds and so I never got to go on any school trips. I think your parents did a really good job of like teaching you the value of money. I was there for the education not for the experience. Because you didn't get bought a car like everyone else at the school year but did you? No I did not. I bet you got like a bit of a valent about that as well. I was furious. No I used my mum and dad's.

I wasn't even really using my mum and dad's. You used your mum and dad's car. Yeah with the eyelashes I remember it. Yeah yeah. First you've got to type. Get the card because it was when we went to Rockness where we went. Your man put eyelashes on the headlights and you just didn't know how to take them off. So I know, she told me, she was like, that's my car. Don't take them off my car. I'm like, you used my car this weekend, but that's still my car.

So you're not allowed to do anything to damage my car. I'm like, well, that's valid. So you drove all the way to Rocnecks with eyelashes on your car? And the heater was broken, it was just fully on heating the arms. Me and my mate Adam had to in this fucking pregnant little poor car drive shirtless. Well because you were so hot or cold? It was a roasting weekend. Yeah because we were freezing.

I just can't imagine being so hot in a car in Scotland. So you've got to be topless, like what? No it was times half weather in the car but it was not times half weather out of the car. On the way up to Rockness that year we were four or five cars behind a massive pile up and people died on the way to Rockness. Scara! You know what I meant to say? I just used to tell the story of Rotterdam. Shut up! You know what I meant? I was actually on the way to Rotterdam. I just used to tell the story where people died. Yeah, I know, I don't really know why I was doing that. But it was somebody, well it was people we knew, like then we found out.

Why are you laughing? People died! And they died! A friend of mine's father's died! I said it wasn't my friend, but it was a girl we... That's so sarcastic! No, because I was driving, so we just went to the airport. I thought my friend died. I said it wasn't my friend but it was a girl who was... That's so sarcastic! No, people die like...

But no, because I was driving so we got stuck for ages. She did it? I killed them. We got stuck for ages and then I had to drive everybody up and I was like, oh my god, if we all die up here, it's like my fault. It was really stressful. It's mad that maybe it was horny as you were when I met you. Yes. Yes ha ha. Yes, yes, yes. The blister.

Ha ha ha. I'm going to be mad. No. But it was really like, because my dad was like, practice, what did he call it? Defensive driving. So up that road he was like... Was he in a fucking tank? No, no, no, but that's, this is, because my dad's always been in health and safety,

so he was like, always, always assume that every car coming towards you is going to crash into you and be ready for it and so they're, ah, ah, yeah and also with your stopping distances. Stopper cars! Taxi best folk defence! I'm just constantly in the bearers like, ah! But yeah, I was like defensive driving all the way up because... You're giving it a name. Yeah, no, it's a thing. Defensive driving, I'm sure it is. It can't be. It must be. But yeah, you assume that you're going to get hit and then you

behave accordingly. And then you never drive again. And then you never drive again. But yeah, anyway, so it was a sad journey up to Rockmeat. So there's like a big like stopping distances and stuff. Yeah, so you were like making people overtake you. That's how the crash happened. No, but you leave enough space so that if someone is going to overtake you, they can get in. Yeah, especially a cyclist. But yeah, it was actually quite sad.

Just so you know. Are you making lemon drops? Yes, I can if you want. Right, let's show... Pause and have a shot and then come back to the quiz? Yeah. Oh, look how good Peggy's being.