Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Thick as Pig Mince

Episode Date: January 3, 2024

Balls deep in the gooch of the year where your calendars enter anti-gravity, Muggins and Cream bring you your last podcast of 2023 to close out the year with some Christmas catch up chat. Kai quadruples down on a friend's casual racism to highlight the problem but makes it way worse. Daniel sets an early family tradition that Santa is an alcoholic. #12 Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: thistlysloss10

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? So this isn't your favourite time of year?

No. Because you were just saying before that you think this time of year needs fixed, and I think it's the least broken time of year of all time. Needs fixed. I'm not suggesting there be... I'm not suggesting we take this time away. I'm just suggesting we fucking fix it. Get some sleep in, yeah?

Yeah. Between Christmas and New Year Class No obligation having Anybody texting you Not anything important anyway There's no important emails now You have a fucking different relationship

With Marlena than I do Is she giving you important emails? Oh man she fucking emails me Between Christmas and New Year I'm like I know Nobody's talking to you Nothing is open in the world Nothing is open You are world nothing is open you

are asking me these questions purely because you want to you know yesterday i got out of bed and rolled up my yoga mat and spent half an hour at adrian and then i got me i'm on the third children of time book children of memory yeah fucking took a chunk out of that hadn't even looked at my phone yet class absolutely class no obligation for days

yeah but that's but man I had that for you know the fucking four days leading up to Christmas except for like the Christmas

no no you're planning you've got stuff today you've got like you had to drop off your Christmas Eve boxes you've still got presents to wrap like you've got like stuff happening you're drop off your Christmas Eve boxes. You've still got presents to wrap. Like you've got like stuff happening.

Oh, you're on the comfier belt of life. Stuff's come towards you that needs dealing with before the time comes. And then Christmas is behind you. Everyone's gone home. You've finished hosting. You've tied your hoose back up and you just get that week in your hoose

where you're like, I did put it in Muggle Corner yesterday when I was talking to the patrons about their dad posters. You know, again, I don't even know what day it is, probably muggle evening today, but how class that days don't have things attached to them

your Monday doesn't have going to work attached to it your Saturday doesn't have football training attached to it, like the days have got fuck all attached to them so between Christmas and New Year you're not allowed to make plans with anyone, right, by using the date or the day.

You have to physically describe... Day after tomorrow. That's it. That's the only way. Between Christmas and New Year, you're not allowed to say, hey, do you want to hang out on the 30th? What fucking day is the 30th?

What are you talking about? Hey, shall we meet up on Tuesday? What are you talking about, man? It's between Christmas and New Year are we meeting tomorrow today or the day after tomorrow those are the only three options

you did a build when I I was saying like I'm free all my family's gone home I'm free for a podcast whenever you guys are and you went

I'm free Eva tomorrow before two or Friday and I was like that's the same day that's the exact same day it's just like and I've been moaning and crying about this because I'm like nothing's open she's like things are open same day it's just like and I've been moaning

to Karen about this because I'm like nothing's open she's like things are open you're just not going out and I'm like I know but it's just the

I want a whinge no it's the wrong cruise out like it's still if like if I if I go into a fucking play area today or tomorrow with my son it's not the fucking parents

there that are all the time it's the it's the dad that's still got a week left off of work the dog park's super busy yeah the time. It's the dad that's still got a week left off of work. The dog park's super busy. Yeah, but with cunts, man. Every day's a weekend.

Man, every other week in January, when I go to any soft play area, I am dealing with... Oh, you want the Monday everyone's at work soft play time. You don't want the Saturday everyone's off work. I want full-time. I want to hang out with full-time mums and full-time dads. I want to hang out with the stay-at-home mums and dads. I want to hang out with the stay-at-home mums

and stay-at-home dads because the stay-at-home mum and the stay-at-home dads who do this shift with their kid every day, they know their kid's behaviour, right? And they're not getting me into weird, awkward interactions of me being like,

hey man, sorry, my kid's been shit to your kid. He doesn't have, he doesn't understand sharing yet. And you've got a dad who's got custody. Who's like, I died for my kids yeah man who only gets to see them over Christmas

he's done his Batman outfit from the battle I see my son two days a week so here are these really strict rules that I have in place for my boy

I would take a bullet for that child someone whip out a gun now so I can prove it and then just me and the mums just violently protecting that child from nothing

yeah and we're just like man kind of let them push each other a little bit like when it gets physical physical that's fine but like we have to kind of let them establish their own boundaries and like understand with each other if they don't and again we're still being parents we're here we're watching but it's not this

it's you know the Christmas drinkers of parenthood don't get me wrong that is me carol listening to me describe anyone as that would make her die laughing yeah but because you're away yeah quite some time yeah yeah and then you then you violently parent your child for a bit there claim some ground back yeah well she yeah yeah yeah no but like i really try to make sure and i'm sure the next time she's on the podcast, she'll fucking correct me.

But I will ask her, well, Eric, if I fucking will answer. I think when I'm home, I, you know, I try to make up amends on the other side of things. Like, you know, the other day, she wasn't fucking feeling great. I think she was just, like, hungover. It was sort of, like, between Christmas and New Year, blah. And there was just one day where, at the end of the day, between Christmas and New Year, blah. And there was just one day

where at the end of the day she apologised. She was like, I really feel like you just led the charge with killing. I'm sorry, I didn't do much. And I'm like, please don't ever apologise. And on the one day that happened. Man, let's not say that as a president. That one day of the year that happened,

you better be sorry. Aye, aye. You better step up next time, bitch. Well, to be fair, because whenever I'm away, like, I do apologise. I'm like, I'm sorry I'm away having fun. Like, I know it's the job and I'm not away to have fun, but it's just very unfair that my job is,

look, the 22 hours a day that are travelling and being away fucking suck, but there are the two hours where the job's really fun, I drink afterwards, and it is nice to have these lions And not have to worry about shit Hello people who listen to this podcast And watch it

I'm Daniel Sloss One of the people on the podcast If you do not want to give me any more of your money And you do not want to subscribe to the Patreon Or if you're like, you know what Even though we're in a massive recession How could I throw more and more money at this spoiled, spoiled man? But you don't want it to go directly to me.

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Fuck! Yeah. Also, my son is sorry to continue going on about my son, but we will. I like hearing about your son. He, we don't know why, he says goodbye like an African-American woman. Whenever you leave, he just goes, bye! Fucking makes me kind of, because we should be correcting him to like, it's bye.

But he's just like, bye! We're like, fuck yeah, man. you man oh man keep that software i've started i've started trying to upload some software on the muni sealer just like two and a half and just snack driven i want i want a snack escalates very quickly to i need a snack snack snack snack all right um i would not relinquish the snacks until she said hors d'oeuvres great i need an hors d'oeuvres. Great. I need an hors d'oeuvres. Little blithe child just demanding hors d'oeuvres.

Wonderful. Keep it in, keep it in. But that's also, that's another very interesting part of like parenthood. I notice that a lot with like, it's when you have to sort of relinquish your boundaries or accept that other people are what i'm trying to explain is like i don't uh um like i i won't try and guilt caitlin like if he hits me or whatever i don't do that thing i'm like oh daddy's heart oh flinch at him yeah i don't try and teach him with guilt be like oh you did this thing and that and i feel bad so therefore you should feel bad i'm like hey man we we don't have if we want to express

it we do it this way we do it that way um or i'll not teach him physical violence like if we're wrestling it's a wrestling thing but it'll never be like a slap or a hit or anything anything like that and then sometimes cullen comes around and Cullen just beats the shit out of my son right in a way that my son loves and finds funny but man he is fucking ragdolling this kid around

and things I wouldn't like but everybody has a different relationship with your child and that's his relationship with Cullen yeah

so I just and one day he'll win and that day he'll be sooner than you think yeah yeah yeah aye so there's the thing of like I'm like

and as long as Caelan understands like if Cullen allows him to do these things to Cullen then that's fine you know he can't

he can't bring it out over here he's the best sleeper in the world my boy he sleeps so good he sleeps 12 hours a night kind of puts him to bed

at 7 half 7 and he wakes up at half 7 in the morning comes through doesn't say hi like an African American everyone complaining about how hard parent is and you're like it's mostly just them sleeping oh we got lucky we got good we i'm lucky i got a good kid and i've got a great

fucking partner the whole thing he doesn't come into the room like we're working on that if he disagrees with you does does he click a Zed yet? I fucking hope so. I'm like, I don't know who is raising my son in private, but can they please keep doing it? If that's him, I'm all for it. I don't know who's turning my son into Wanda Sykes, but I'm for it.

Absolutely. It's not the comedian I thought my son would turn into but I'm not against it a single bit so he knows he knew Santa he knows Santa's the thing

right so he didn't obviously understand what Christmas was he knew it was a different time and the fact that Santa was everywhere

was exciting the spirit of Christmas deception yeah yeah yeah like Christmas is so magical

you do know magic is just deception yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, or... Christmas is so magical. You do know magic is just deception. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleight of hand. We committed sleight of hand on our child. I'd gaslit an entire world of children about it.

Yeah. We put out the... We decided to put out the cookies, the carrot, and the milk for Santa. Because even though he wouldn't understand,

we were like, fuck it, it's for us as well. We're starting this tradition that we're going to be doing for the next fucking 15 years, hopefully. This is exciting stuff. Oh yeah, because you'd have more children. Not your present absolute Timmy. No, we hope to have other children. And that will increase how long we are eating up the life

for. One thing I got fucking, I'll call out my wife since she's not here to defend herself. Yep. Classic. Santa gets a dram, right? With his milk? Yeah. This is Bailey's, right?

But he gets it, he's allowed it, he gets it, he gets it, he gets a dram, he gets a gin, he gets a red one, he gets a drum he gets a gin he gets a red one he gets a beer whatever Santa likes in your particular household put a little beetroot for Santa he wants to have a good time

it's Christmas look I'm not I'm not asking for a spliff right I'm not saying leave a joint out for Santa I understand

or for Rudolph no he gets a carrot that's that's that's this is cone shaped that gets a carrot That's That's That's That's cone shaped That's a carrot Yeah there's just the green in the end

And then all the way down Just get orange papers Yeah Get orange papers And leave a big fat carrot So I keep going to Cara I'm like Santa get a dram

She's like If you want a dram Just have a fucking dram And I'm like, does Santa get a dram? She's like, if you want a dram, just have a fucking dram. And I'm like, no, we need to, we're establishing, does Santa drink? Like, this is a very important, the lore that we're about to create in our house and for our family, does Santa drink? She was like, Santa doesn't drink. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure Santa fucking drinks. How's his cheeks that rosy red?

He's got to be drinking. That's not the cool dad. Nah, nah. It's 10 degrees out global warming so he's gotta have a drink like

Santa's a boozer apparently didn't have any in this house but he fucking for some reason where do you get that belly from pasties that's beer that

he got a fucking gin and tonic at the wars did he aye la dee da fucking right how come Santa's

slamming it at our fucking house do you not think He's going to be I kept saying this I think Laura Might be Santa At the wars

I think Santa's going to be Giving Caelan Some pretty shitty Presents In future years At fucking The wars

Or handing out Fucking whiskeys And gin and tonics And our Santa's Getting nothing Why would he stop here I ask you Well because

The fucking Santa On the lawn Grew up Anyway We put the Whiskeyless treats the fucking Santa on the lawn, grow up. Anyway, we put the whiskulous treats for fucking Santa, the cookies down there. Were the cookies cookies?

Cookies were cookies, and real cookies. Caelan could not fathom or understand that this, he's never seen a biscuit that wasn't for him. Mother fucker wants a bit of Santa's biscuits. He's never seen a biscuit Even biscuits that were not intended for him He doesn't snatch

He's like Mmm, mmm, mmm Biscuit for me If you're eating a biscuit He doesn't snatch He's no rude He gets up beside you And just very audibly

Enjoys the look of your biscuit He's like Mmm Don't mind if I do. What you got there, cracker? Well, he's kind of like a cracker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'll say,

and eventually, most people we know will cave him, give him the biscuit. But again, if you don't want to give him the biscuit, you don't give him the biscuit. He's got to learn that. Everything's not for him. When I go to get a biscuit and slap his hand and say he's getting fat. Do you do that with his mum only because it's a very funny bit to consistently do

not funny when they're pregnant funnier funnier and then so we put the biscuit Caelan has a nibble of the cookie we keep trying to explain that it's for Santa

eventually eventually has he met Santa yet yeah yeah yeah so he's got So he's got a visual on Santa? Mm-hmm. He's not just this mythical being that he doesn't know what he looks like? No, no he points to Santa, goes to that Santa

knows Santa, says ho, ho, ho like as Kara would say, he's smart for his age Fucking thick as pig mints Our son for the first time in three months I like thick as pig mints by the way I know that's a combo of thick as mints and son for the first time in three months I like thick as pig mints by the way yeah

I know that's a combo of thick as mints and thick as pig shit but thick as pig's mints I like that okay

I like that a lot I remember my lad was drunk in my dad's car and I was giving my dad and his mate a lift and he was

like I can't see a bat which is a plane is a bat, I can't see a bat. Which is, I'm playing as a bat and I can't see a thing, but it stuck with us. I can't see a bat. Thick as pig mince. Wilde a lobster.

Our son woke up at three in the morning and wouldn't get back to sleep to the point where we kind of had to, we never have to bring him to our room, but sure enough, he wouldn't go back to sleep. He wasn't kicking off. Just, what's not going back to never have to bring him through to our room but she sure enough he wouldn't go back to sleep he wasn't kicking off just what's not going back to sleep

we bring him back into the room and for an hour in bed at half three in the morning have to answer every question he's got about whether the biscuit is still downstairs

and whether it's for him Santa's about the biscuit he's like biscuit? we're like it might still be there man we can't check I haven't been able to sleep

not because of Christmas and it's now there's a biscuit on the bench it's like inside is nobody having that biscuit Biscuit? We're like, it might still be there. Man, we can't check. I haven't been able to sleep not because of Christmas. And now there's a biscuit on the bench. It's like inside. Is nobody having that biscuit? Tossing and turning at night. Listening for footsteps. The only kid

that's our other moon that Santa hasn't been because the biscuit's still there. Name present. Name present. Santa bypassed the house but fucking champion got me biscuit.

Aye. God respect him, it man was he good when it was just crumbs oh no when he came down he saw the presents there was like

oh and then that was exciting for a bit and we kept pointing at the biscuit and the milk and the crumbs which by the way

another another shit part of parenting not a shit part but another weird part of parenting it's really but another weird part of parenting it's really surreal and really really really weird to be santa for like don't go wrong when they were young and like and i because i'm 10 and 12 years older than my brothers there was

times when my brothers would go to bed for christmas they'd finish writing their letters to santa and my because i was 16 17 18 my parents would be like, all right, you can help us bring presents downstairs. We know you're not sleeping. You can stay up. I would outstay my parents because I wasn't waiting up for Santa. I would wait for my parents to go to bed on Christmas Eve. I would go to the back,

smoke some fucking weed to myself, go and watch a movie, fall asleep at two. Yeah, but just try to keep the magic alive for these two. So they'd hear you bumping about and think Santa's doing stairs. It's just that brother getting stoned. Santa's putting deodorant on. He's trying out the links Africa before he dishes it out.

Not only is Santa eating his cookie, he's eating all of the cookies in the pantry. He's bussed up with the miniature heroes. Was Santa making crisp sandwiches last night? Crisp sandwiches with pate. Who the fuck does Santa...

Santa left the lid off the peanut butter. last night crisp sandwiches with pate who the fuck just sat there Santa left the lid off the peanut butter I think Santa's a burglar man he left for more stuff than he put out yeah

he didn't he didn't take away the Christmas card that I left for him but he clearly used some of it as roach I think you should probably be on a verbal

warning Santa Get in touch with HR I'm telling you in the future There will be a point where Not for the first couple of years But when my kids are like You know 11, 13 And they're on the cusp of not believing

That time where it's like hey You're going to climb into their bed dressed as Santa Let's find out how well you can keep a secret don't tell mommy oh no that's when santa that's when santa might be like oh maybe santa would like an edible maybe santa would like i think we should stop with whiskey for santa just try to rape us sorry sorry mate it's very weird to be actual Santa

and to do all the things that make because it is exciting and it is getting excited about the fact that you have to lie to your kids and Cara

much more excited about it than I am like there's real joy in her eyes when she imagines how much

she's going to be able to bullshit her kids for years to come. Because her dad bullshitted her so good that like one year, Kara's school told her Santa wasn't real. So Kara went home, wrote a letter to Santa and said, if you are real,

can you please circle yes or no and send this back to me as soon as possible? So obviously... Everyone else in sixth form is like freaking My father-in-law Dave is like this stupid little bitch. I can't believe she's giving me

more to write. So Dave circles yes Cara proudly goes back into school the next day with a letter circled by Santa confirming his existence He has proof Back in the days before your phone recorded things, Dave would put like he would back in the days before your phone recorded things

Dave would buy dictaphones and record ho ho ho Merry Christmas and shove that dictaphone up the chimney

just to fuck that aha and would love nothing more than his kids just being like oh my god it's fucking

but he does does that not for the excitement of they believe in Santa he's like these are gullible little fucking kids

you know what you would think that would make a grow up less gullible because she's already You know what you would think that would make her grow up less gullible because she's already like found out the hard way that like

everyone lies but she's still just far far out. Yeah, she is. She's not. She's maintained the gullible nature.

Yeah. Because it was fun. It was fun being gullible. I like living in the world that got built for us more than I like living in the real one. There's some parts of's some parts of our intellect

where I'm smarter than Karen in some aspects of life. And there are other aspects of real life where she's definitely smarter than I am. But when it comes to gullibility, she is. Natalie says the story of Christmas and the magic of Christmas is nothing more than propaganda

and she actively hates it like she doesn't have a child so it doesn't matter but she's just like why do people even do this just tell them it's off you like oh no

I mean that is have you not watched Klaus probably with you oh no I wouldn't because like I stayed here

when we were house hunting and I stayed here when we were house hunting and I stayed here while we were looking at houses. And it was in the build-up to Christmas and he's watched a different Christmas film every single day. So I've seen a handful. Aye. Klaus is... My favourite was the one where the ghost of Christmas Future

had passed was a stoner. Oh, the night before. They got in the car with the dealer And the dealer was the guy Yeah he just sold them Different strains of marijuana From the past, present and future That's a good one Aye

That's the night before Aye Seth Rogen Aye And fucking The new Captain America What's his name The new Captain America

The black one The one that was Oh James Mackie Yes Yeah yeah yeah Who That's my favourite Black Mirror episode Where he fucking He goes gay The one that was... Oh, James Mackie. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favourite Black Mirror episode where he goes gay with his mate in the VR.

Oh, yeah. Every now and again. I'm just going to Natalie. I've finished my denouement. I'm just going to play VR with Carl. Just back in the room. I'm just going to play VR with Carl. Just shagging Carl on the VR every night.

Such a funny episode. Is James Mackie got old school views on women? Was he not lit up on a talk show where he was like, a woman should be making a sandwich? Yeah, and then he justified it. He was very Sean Connery. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen that Sean Connery clip?

Slapping women. Slapping women's vein. Yeah. Have you seen that Sean Connery clip? Where he talks about slapping women's fine. Yeah. If he was a soft party hand. I can't remember exactly how it went, but he was like. I'm not a backhand. I'm not a monster. And then she was just saying, what happens if you hit the backhand? He was like, oh, well, that means they like it. That gets into a whole different realm.

I don't know if you know Women Sean I think his words were Never with a closed fist Never with a closed fist Oh Nice man There we go

Nice chivalry It's like Open your palm When you elbow them And it reveals the bone If you close your fist Right It's fleshy

If you open your palm Never with a closed fist when your elbow lasts. Exactly. I think James Mackey done a bit of it. But it wasn't Sean Connery levels which should knock the mood, but it was they should be making me dinner for it as well. I'm grafting. Yeah, yeah, it was that.

I remember Ricketts having a go at it. I think Ricketts had a go I think Ricketts had a go at my dad and put something like that yeah because my mum doesn't work but she keeps the house

and all that right and my dad was talking about oh when I finish work I'm going to cook this my dad's a better cook than my mum so I'm going to cook this

and Ricketts just like is Linda not in like he was just aghast. He's like, my dad was getting home from work to make food. He's like, I'm a better cook.

I'll make a better meal if I did. So, records is a good cook. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny. Old school values.

I'm trying to think if, like, because if Natalie was at work all day And then she was coming back And I'd been off all day I'd still I'd still just have stuff Chopped up for her

To make it Or you'd do the prep I'm sous chef In my house Right okay I'll chop shit up So that she can Do the business

Anything where it comes To the clocks on And the timing starts Like it's She's going to have a better meal Even if she's done a 12 hour shift She's going to eat better if she does it Yeah yeah yeah okay

I think Anna does more of the Cooking We're both decent cooks But she's a better cook than I am And I'm definitely more like I'll try more things and do more things So if she's cooking she knows everything's in there. I mean, it would be good to have a house bitch,

but I'm not in a position to ask for a house bitch. Nah. Nah, no, no, God, no. No, no, I wouldn't dare. Like, and I know there is, I know there would be lesser men out there who would, from older generations, who I think would be,

oh, but you know, you go out there and you work, you know, two, three weeks who I think would be like, oh, but you go out there and you work two, three weeks every month or whatever it is, and you make money in their eyes. You pay for the house, you do this. I love your trying to understand what shifts are. Two, three weeks a month, right? It's mostly like every weekday for a month.

Oh, right, got you, got you. I work two weeks. I thought you were trying to understand what the day-to-day work I did. Older people would be like to me, you work two to three weeks every month you're away you're traveling stressful surely when you come home you want everything you're gonna be waiting on hand and foot no no no no no i'm very aware that you actually nest as well when you come back when you come back like uh actively start tidying your house and being yeah well because it's it's very unreasonable

to expect expect like somebody looking after a kid to keep a house fucking spot kids are just you put them there you clean them that bit

you move them there they go over there you know Natalie will sometimes do that as well go like I'll have to tidy the house before you come home

and I'll be like I'll just do it when I get back yeah I honestly didn't mind like she's been running a business alright so also can I'll be like I'll just date when I get back yeah I honestly didn't mind I think she's been running a business also we can't as much better

like she'll tidy throughout the day I'm happy to let the kid just make a mess and the second he's in bed I'm like alright we start again that's when the

entry sketch takes place but she's happier to keep on top of it which again which again is probably the right thing I would say I'll keep on top of it

since she'll deep clean it every once in a while yeah yeah but I think that's a perfect dynamic uh huh is probably the right thing I would say I'll keep on top of the hoose and shield deep cleaning every once in a while yeah yeah but I think that's a perfect dynamic because what that is is like Kara is keeping it tidy

in general giving me like so then when I'm tidying up at night there's actually less for me to do which allows me to then deep clean

further I think I might step next year into the realm of having a cleaner what's the best? we did it in London when we were both like

working and then we just didn't do it in there when we're back home but I'm like even if it's just the bathrooms because like

I had guests over and I like deep clean the bathrooms and every time I deep clean them I'm like I'm sure I've just done this and you're like it was June

would you get an English speaking one or a good one? I'm in Scotland, so I don't know what my choices are. Probably had to shop local. I don't know how many. I've got a local one. She's good. Aye.

But, you know. The best cleaners come from places that are scared of Russia. 100%. Yeah, and the best places is where they send their money home. It means more. Yeah yeah yeah And it's okay because they're white They don't pay taxes

And you can't tell anybody that they did it You can call them staff You're allowed to Where we are just morally with the world You're allowed to click at a Romanian I was actually That's fine Because they're white

And they're racist so it's alright Because they're white They're white And they're racist So it's okay So they don't get You know Not all Romanians are racist But 85% of them are racist So you're allowed to

You can click at Romanians Yeah yeah yeah It's absolutely fine Nothing wrong with it That's the language actually Yeah yeah yeah You have to click with your tongue That's a fiver

That's a fiver. That's a fiver. That's a... Right, here we go. Here we're going. Still going with that. We should probably give that to charity at this point. Yeah? Yeah, I reckon this month we'll find our charity and reset it.

Because I was tired Of supper About it last night One of my friends Came and stayed last night And they were like Just get them in Just dig the

Dig the bathrooms If anything And you're like Well you're on Just sweep and mop through If you're going to do that You may as well Dig the kitchen and all

And if you're going to do that You dig laundry You just end up With just them Doing everything Our old cleaner Used to do everything I don't want to lose sight Of who I am That's the only problem kitchen and all and if you kind of do that you do laundry you just end up with just doing everything our old cleaner used to do everything I don't want to lose

sight of who I am that's the only problem but I do want a tidy house it feels rude having a cleaner when you've got a kid because it's like it's very much like

being back at school where you're like oh god we've got to tidy up for the cleaner being here because I don't want the cleaner to clean up the stuff that I can clean up

put your chairs on the tables put all your chairs on the tables before you clean up why would I pay a cleaner to come and tidy my kids toys when they're meant to be there cleaning the fucking house you've got to tidy up

your kids toys and give them the area that you want to clean cleanable so they're not just picking up after you the whole time

yeah that's like when I used to just give me receipts to my accountant and i'm like actually getting an accountant to do some basic data entry yeah do you reckon you could get away with like i don't know i don't know if they do it in the uk but it's a thing in la you can get like the scuddy cleaners what does that mean exactly what you think scuddy uh-huh like cleaners like that just live on the street no no it's in the scud oh naked cleaners all right i thought like i street No no In the scud Oh naked cleaners

Right I thought like I thought it was another word For like scummy I thought it would be Derogatory Or scuds Scud In the scud

I think scud I think I have heard scud as naked Aye in the scud Okay So scud means naked Naked cleaners Yeah or like in Like

In lingerie That just feels Really unsafe and weird. But if it's for you, well, you know it's safe. If you know you're not, you know the worst you're doing is layering. I don't think I want to layer at my cleaner.

Remember when I did get cleaners in London and I thought you'd send strippers? Remember? Because like it was just, I thought you'd send strippers yeah remember because like it was just it all come to head it was like Natalie was like

oh Justina the cleaner starts today this was before your stag days so it was just like and I didn't know when my stag day was going to be

you didn't tell us but I knew my wedding was in a couple of months and in one month was the fringe so like it's happening in july like this tag's happening in july and it was like late june and natalie's like the clean

ass started there and this was like i don't even think that we had a clean ass discussion yeah we didn't even have a chat that we're gonna get clean as it was literally just uh the cleaners coming today because it was nat and Kat's flat that I occasionally lived in because it was two of them mostly knocked on the

door opened it and these two lush women of different generations mother daughter

combo hot Italians I was like come on in I'll go get myself ready they're like oh I must just be going out to maybe the gym

a lot of people when we clean their houses they go out they get coffee they do some errors you just come back in a fucking red bath

and a cigar I'm just here to watch the show, ladies. Shoulders back, girls. Never change. And they come in in that French maid's outfit, man. And she's just like, where's the cleaning materials? I was like, in the sink. I'll role play.

I'll do a little bit of role play. Where do you want me to sit? Shut up They're in the bottom They're in the bottom drawer Why are you bending down like that? Why are you bending down Like you're picking up a flat back?

Straight back Odd They're there She's like Ah yeah What are you going to need? How much is it an hour do you do you accept ones

took took in the middle of that and then she's like she went in my car and had a look at the cleaning materials got a bit of paper

and a pen fucking wrote down a list of cleaning materials to buy and it was at the point where I was in the shop like asking for bleach and I was like the point where I was in the shop asking for bleach.

I was like, probably not strippers. Probably not strippers. You know what, now that I think about it, can I put the condoms and the cream back? We're going to use bleach. Kinky these strip ass. I've got this bleach in me cock. So I,

it was so funny, if you're like, ringing this guy, have the comb here, have the strip ass comb here. Aye, I've got a shopper full of, because that shopper list,

is using me telly. Because I remember seeing the nude, or the, like the lingerie, the sexy maids. And I remember seeing, Is that an actual thing then yeah yeah yeah yeah but i but i surely surely it is just uh

surely it's just a sex worker that cleans for the first 15 minutes shoot which which for me by the way and here's the biggest turn on that no no that's my opinion what's as far as i'm aware that's whatppers are. Strippers are sex workers who are dancing until you pay them enough money to do sex work for you. I know there are some strippers that are like, I don't do it at all. But, like... I don't think so, you know.

Nah. I don't do... Nah. I don't think all strippers are sex workers. No, that's taken out of my... I think that's a little bit ignorant, but I think some probably are.

Yeah. Like it's a direct line, another line of work. So like it might be tempting for some of them to just go, ah, fuck it, why not? We're already here.

Okay. Well, just because I always assume that I'm like, I'm like, what? The private room is just surely is somebody just getting fucking wanked off head or sex.

Why else would they be? If so, I've been ripping off loads. I've been absolutely shortchanged on every occasion of going into a private room. The private room is basically just so you don't fucking have to look away. I shall then just see money

on your dollar. Are you getting a taxi back? I said, how do you know if I jump in? You got that way anyway. Can I have a blast of your vape? Well, because I just feel like...

100% as yet, private rooms, just you being stingy that's how it is you all being tight you being tight as fuck you're just sitting there making new freebies

if somebody's sexually cleaning your house surely there's just surely again maybe it's just because I don't understand the point of strippers is

why are you just winding yourself up sexually why are you just giving yourself just it's an absolutely uncomplicated way

to look at genitals Daniel that's all it is it's just a really uncomplicated way of just going that lass is really hot I'd love to see her

when she clears on and then you get it and you have them cheating on your wife bang done like you can see naked ladies online then

oh yeah but like that you know that's the same with you you'll not look at the Eiffel Tower because you can

google it like you're totally happy with the 2D thing you're totally happy with platform games

you you didn't need the third dimension no flat flat's fine I live in a

cartoon way back Christmas my mum and dad came up which was classic my mum and

dad and Natalie's mum and dad have only met at my wedding and that's when it was like walking

down by 80 people keeping everybody rotating around speed dating each other small interactions and um so i was a bit concerned because my mom i think i don't think i don't think it's unfair to say this but i think she's if not completely then borderline agoraphobic she doesn't leave the house a great deal and um you know if i've run like a punch drunk gig and she's going to come and she's committed that her and me dad are going to come to the gig she'll actually make herself feel physically sick in the build-up of it because the thought processes of catastrophizing everything

and people thinking badly of her like like it's kind of it needs a bit of work but so i know that my mom like leaving hoos and coming to Glasgow for Christmas to spend with like another family of people that she barely knows or she's met once and now that would be like hard work for her psychologically

so I was like living in a little bit of fear that it would get cancelled at short notice and then also Natalie's mum and dad

hosting and not knowing like me brother and me sister and all that's coming up as well I'm like they've got a bunch of strangers coming into the house and then i'm like oh i hope like they

get along and i hope nobody says something that offends the other i hope politics don't come up i hope like natalie's dad doesn't start talking about trans issues in front of gab's lass right and i'm like it's just this i'm'm almost thinking like me mam. The anxiety of a family holiday. The anxiety of a family holiday. And it was like, sat having a coffee the morning before everyone turned up, just going, have I just arranged an event that nobody wants? Have I just arranged an event that is stressful for everybody involved?

And I just had a cup of tea, calm before the storm and we got a coffee and it was absolutely class. I've got to say that I think for 95% of the world's population I'm pretty sure things like Thanksgiving, Christmas and when it's weddings, whenever there's like the whole family's getting together. Like, nobody talk about Harry and Meghan. Yeah, yeah. It's just different generations on a time during very prominent, you know,

fucking culture wars and two types of air quotes truth out there. Yeah. I think a lot of people live in, live in dread, which is where I think it's skip to generation for us because we don't worry about our family gatherings too much Because they're all And you just have Plenty of them You just have

Plenty of them You just have The relationship dynamics Are already there And people know How to negotiate each other People know how to Wind each other up

Without crossing the line Yeah Oh I think it'll be I think it'll be I think You Me and Jack When we all have kids

And they all grow up I reckon our family ones will be brutal. I reckon dad will go, dad won't go bigoted, but he'll go our version of bigoted. Mum will still be lefty, big mad lefty. They'll argue about that all the time, but then they won't because they'll learn how to deal with it privately. I'll go more centre just because the left will go too far.

So you'll not be good enough for anybody? No, no. the left will go too far. So you'll not be good enough at anybody? No, no. The left will go too far, left always does and then the right will start winning and I'll be like, I don't like losing.

Everything you're saying is correct but it seems to me you'll have more money over there. Like the funny bits for me were like, you know, playing, you know the celebrity game

where you each write down the name of five celebrities and put them in the, put them in the pod which was so funny it was like my dad and logan yeah i have to write down five celebrities so like both freeze and i'm like it's just like saying pass the fork yeah i'm not asking you to do anything that takes creativity and he's like i can't think of any i was like right your favorite film blade runner harrison ford write down harrison ford think of any band the was like, right, your favorite film, Blade Runner, Harrison Ford, write down Harrison Ford. Think of any band, the Beatles, one of the Beatles, Paul McCartney.

Like, I'm not asking you to do something that's a challenge, but for like even like that bit for a couple of the guests was a challenge because it's like a part of their brain that they're just not using. But like that's what made it kind of fun because like it would get to people's turns and they'd just be like kind of stuck and try and let my mom

just scream and stan at my dad to try and get him to say Eminem she's going to stan well you're going to have to give us

more than that Linda stan it wasn't even the one word round because this is how it works right you put everybody puts

five names in you split off into couples right and when the when the pot comes to you with all of the names and five of them you put in but the rest of them was by everybody else you pick out a name and you can just use anything but the name you can't use letters like something that rhymes with and then now with a k or whatever like because i tried that

married to a pig little frog miss piggy no Piggy. No. Kermit. Right. That's how it plays out, though. Right, yeah, yeah. That's exactly how it plays out. Where your partner, like, ugh. Yeah, like, I'm full of it. Like, I have to remember my dad, when she was like,

the current Prime Minister, he was the councillor of the next check, and he was like, I know how he is. I see his name, then. It's gone. It's physically gone. Anyway, man, I was just like,

my husband. Fucking, oh, my, our granddad back when his, when all of his brain was there, when all of his brain was there, when he was a fully competent man, would still go, buddy, buddy,

it's the man from the thing. From the fucking, from the movie. With the guy that you like in it with the fuck the man with the fucking eye oh you're useless

oh my god women yeah there was a lot of that that's hilarious because like people are panicking the clock's rolling and like

and then people who are self-conscious stop being self-conscious because they're into it now and you're like oh great and like I'm fucking laughing

I heat off this is why this is the thing that all of you fucking people who complain about organised fun do not fucking get

right 20% of the population can be fun on a fucking dime ready to go they're a rare fucking breed and we're very grateful for them

the other 80% of us right need a focus we're as fun but it just doesn't come out as naturally organised fun giving people a target of fun to aim at.

Structure. Allows more people to participate in the fun. Add a competitive element to the fun. So you do the first round where you can say anything, right? And some of the celebrities you won't even know, like my dad put in the lead singer of his favourite band, yes, John Anderson, into the thing. Natalie doesn't know who John Anderson is,

but she's seen Gladiators she's like the referee off Gladiators so you can work around the names that you don't know and try and get them like I didn't know who Kay Adams was

so I done like you know there's a family of monsters with like Cousin It and The Thing and Lurch and all that

and someone like Adams so you can get them to say that Who the fuck is Kay Adams? Exactly right one of the Loose Women So me mam and Bajan Me mam and me in-law would get that

So Are you looking her up? I am Kay Adams But you're not looking up John Anderson The lead singer of Yes Oh hello Kay Adams Good luck

Do I know her? Oh my goodness She's a pretty lady Oh hi Do I know her? Erm Oh my goodness She's a pretty lady Oh aye Hello You know what I was just expecting To be an old woman

No no She who It American sports Caster in Television She hosted Good morning football

In the NFL She's an NFL lady There we go Oh my So erm She's more famous than There we go Oh my So She's more famous than me Of course she is She turned up on a game of

Named Celebrity How many homes do you think Your name come up in the game of Celebrities Oh It's a one digit number Mark Nelson showed up in my house Somebody put Mark Nelson in

Natalie's like One of Kai's friends has depression Mark Nelson showed up in my house. Somebody put Mark Nelson in. Natalie's like, one of Kai's friends has depression. I don't know, let's just get his phone book. Like narrow it down. So then the next round, you can only say one word.

So it's a memory. Stan would have worked once M&M's already established as one of the names in the thing. Muppet. People can't sing it and you can't fool all the singers. Like Whitney Houston, Cher, like whoever,

you're just like, Britney Spears, like all of them are in but you know if you can't, oops, you go, oops, I did it again,

maybe he's come up with Britney Spears. And then on the final round, so everybody's seen all of the names twice, you can only act out what it is. Garth pulls out Richard Gere and in front of in front of me wife's

prudish mum and dad mimes to be a gerbil and then takes that gerbil and puts it up his ass in a tube that's not even where I would have gone Gere Richard Gere is point to your dick. Dick.

Richard. Dick. Dick. Richard. And then line of gear. No Gav put a gerbil up his ass in a tube

because it was rumoured that Richard Gear once put a gerbil up his ass in a tube. Not rumoured. Factually true. Is it? Yeah.

Is this like is this one of his kinks? Did he own up to it? No. Is it like the R. Kelly pissing on thing? That was just like a badly kept secret? As with Marilyn Monroe removing his own ribs

to suck his own dick, enough people thought it was true. Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe ate her own pussy after removing her ribs. No, she removed it so she could bite off her own dick. So that she could become Marilyn Manson

that's why when the fucking wind was blowing from that vent she was really trying to push it out because she hadn't bit her dick off yet yeah yeah yeah

and when she bit off her dick and she became Marilyn Manson she identified as a man she was fucking mental ah weird weird you're not even allowed to call it mental anymore

when they do that yeah well this is what I mean in the future like that I and I know this is such a well-trodden topic in comedy that i do think it will be a version of new hack within the next couple of years but it is true which is that i can already tell what my types of bigotry are going to be in the next generation right i'm not i'm not using the term unhoused Unhoused I'm not doing it

They're homeless Oh it's for tramps Aye exactly Do we put a fiver in for this Yes Because we're wrong Pass the jar So you can do the granted

It's better You know They're not You know Especially considering The cost of living crisis And everything that's going on In both America And the UK In terms of austerity And corruption in the government especially considering the cost of living crisis and everything that's going on in both america

and the uk in terms of austerity and corruption in the government and the housing market and how it's all fucking rigged to benefit the rich and fuck over the poor it is absolutely the correct morally conscious decision to not call them home and to not to not lump them with that stigma when especially not that anyone deserves to be homeless, but certainly 40 years ago, it was harder to end up homeless, without a home. There was less of a drug epidemic, all of this stuff. Staying unhoused is kind of the best thing to do.

I ain't doing it. They're homeless. I'm sorry. I'm not. Without home. Yeah. But then I do worry that it's just me being a stubborn Kind of like

For ages I thought And we did discuss this On the podcast Changing the term Suicide to unalive I was fully against But then I found out That was just for

TikTok censors Yeah TikTok censors So I'm like Okay okay Let's not get too worked up Yeah yeah Nobody's that bothered Aye

Unhoused I can't say mental I'm sorry I'm always going to use the term mental aye mental I feel like mental's a thing

people say you can't use the term crazy fuck off man I'm going to use the term crazy here's the other thing you can't use the word crazy are you mental it's also

the thing that people seem to fucking forget as well with all these we're such bad boys no no with all these offensive terms and stuff

we can't say that because that's offensive you can't say that because that's inconsiderate sometimes I want to be offensive right and that's it's not a great part

of who I am and it's not a great part of fucking society but sometimes when I want to hurt your feelings because you have upset me I'm going to call you

a fat fuck now do I have anything against fat people yes obviously they're gross no gonna call you a fat fuck now do i have anything against fat people yes obviously they're gross like there's just this bit of like hey let's just let's use the term obese or naturally challenged just fat it's fat.

You're a fat fuck, I'm sorry. You're a dumb cunt. Sometimes I'm going to use words that I know are hurtful. And you creating other words to stop people avoiding saying this word just makes this word more powerful to me. The more people you convince not to say the word retarded just makes me go, are you turning this prime steak into wagyu beef man i've done something in the comfort of my own home when nobody was around apart from me and my friend right asked him if you uh what he wanted for food and he suggested a chinkies right you're quoting

here he said he said the very outdated and one that I'll not drag my heels on oh mate and I like I looked at him like

mate right but then just doubled down and started saying more racist words for Chinese people and I

should go to walk jockeys we'll get one of them I'll get just like, like to highlight what he'd just done, right? I started using like, like I was using stuff

that I'd heard off the fucking, what's that Clint Eastwood film where he hits the- Gran Turismo. Gran Turino. Gran Turino. Zip ahead. Zip ahead.

I think he said zip ahead or something there. And I was like, I was using like harsher words than what he'd used just to show him how bad it was

and he was like great he was fucking howling I was like oh no you know like one of them things

where if like anybody whacked in you'd just be like it's not how it looked yeah we'll just get Hiroshima Dodgers I don't want Japanese mate

I very specifically want Cantonese I definitely don't want Japanese mate I very specifically I very specifically want I definitely don't want sushi right now No no I want Cantonese Chinese food That's very specifically From this particular area Of Rice Munchers

The worst We've got to put in for that That whole bit That whole bit Get the jar for the graphic Alright well but now that we're on the tour now that now that we're here

Cara showed me because she's from the north where society hasn't fully Korea? No no, not the evil Korea. The worst Aberdeen. She's from Aberdeen and she's still friends with lots of people from Aberdeen and

she likes to use it as proof of like hey man because I love shitting on the north because they're gross um uh but she'd like be like look at these people doing this amazing things up there like you know hey these people that I I call everyone that she grew up with scum because my wife is scum so therefore everything she knows is scum that's the that's the depth of the bit so she'll be like hey look at this this is amazing this is the people do this they're smarter than you this person's better than this and you blah blah blah this shows what you know and i'm like fair enough fair enough that's a very smart person that's fucking great those northerners they're doing a good thing and then other times she's like i fucking know you got me here um somebody had posted in their local group,

the local corner shop, that was run by Aberdonians. Aberdonians. People from Aberdeen. Indian ancestry people who have Scottish accents. Third generation. Third generation Scots. Scots, Aberdonians, Scots.

Yeah, like when Natalie's brother gets asked where you're from from. It never happens with Natalie. She's very white for a brown girl. But Natalie's brother gets asked where you're from from never happens with Natalie she's very white for a brown girl but Natalie's brother is like where you're from from

and he's like Glasgow I'm from from Glasgow yeah yeah where's your dad from Glasgow

I'm from from Glasgow like I'm sorry we can keep going back I mean say from a few times and I'll say oh

man yeah yeah yeah just yeah just say why are you that colour that's all that's what you want to say. It's not the healthiest question to ask

and you should be really questioning why it's important to you. What do I put before jockey? Because I've got noodles but it doesn't feel right. What do you, what is the, how are you racist to Omani people?

Without just being the lazy way of just like. Oh, literally camel jockeys. Yeah, but that feels like what, I feel, but that's, again, if you're going to be racist,

They actually did jockey the thing that you say. Are they? I think it's Arabic, so camels is probably the racial slur. But what,

but I guess my question is what, what racist, good racism, really top tier, the best racism isn't from far afield. The funniest racist terms for Bulgarians will come from Romanians, right?

The funniest racist terms for Polish people will come from people in Estonia and people in... Like the biggest insult in India is the word for sister fucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You will get the best racism against Omani, specifically Omani people, from the countries surrounding Omani. I don't know the answer to that. I wonder what their version of racism is. Yeah, they'd have to do some research

because they're not, like, from there. Yeah, they're what I think you'll find. This Aberdeen-owned corner shop had put up in their window being like, this is not a packy shop. Please stop calling it a packy shop. They actually put that out. They put that sign up in their window being like, this is not a Paki shop. Please stop calling it a Paki shop. They actually put that out. They put that sign up in a window, which is a really heartbreaking thing

to like see as a thing. Especially in a place that like, especially in more working class areas, they broadly boast about their communities. And it's something that I don't get living in a big city. Proudly boast. I'm just going to highlight that.

Proudly boast? Yeah, I already said proudly boast. I'm sorry. No, no, I don't apologise for that. I like it i'm just gonna highlight that but proudly boast yeah but you said proudly boast i'm sorry and i don't apologize for that like it no no proudly boast about like how we've got community where there's like we're not the big city fucking liberals but we've got this community and i'm like if you're part of that air quotes community and you're like hey could you not call us this fucking slur that we clearly hate and like they put that up in the community thing and one person from the area had just shared that picture with the phrase, aye, it is. And it got more shares and more likes.

Oh, no. Yeah. Small town, man. Small town from a city. No, no, again, it wasn't Aberdeen. It wasn't like Aberdeen City, but it was the, you know, the fucking towns of Aberdeen. Aye. Here's the problem. You know, the fucking towns of Aberdeen.

Here's a problem. Some racist terminology, the reason it's harder for them to get away is that linguistically they're fun to say. That's the problem, right? Yeah. Hey, hey, without bringing race into it at all just off the top of your head what's the funniest telly tubby to say what's the funniest telly tubby name to say tinky winky tinky winky and what is it those are those are funny tinky winky that's why

there's a couple of tinky winkies moved in the other side I everywhere do Tinky Winky's taking my jobs Probably nick that bag Like you never know if I'm being homophobic, racist You never know what Tinky Winky is Yeah But I just mean in a sense I think I've used this to very loosely very loosely, empathetically defend the word faggot because just linguistically it's f-g-t-t-a.

If it's got an ink or an ack or an egg. People like to say silly words. That's something that's in comedy and history. An I in a harsh consonant. An I works with a harsh consonant a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't it? Yeah.

And the problem with... The reason Paki's definitely racist and offensive is because you're obviously calling people who are not from Pakistan. That's a kind of Geordie and Malcolm. Yeah, yeah. Or just calling any black person African. Like, it's just really like...

It's ignorant racism. You know what blows my mind? The fact that Maccams actually call themselves Maccams because in my head that is a slur

that is a slur to say Maccam but they're like oh we're Maccams fucking right glad you're married I think that's

like the Celtic fans with Fenian like Fenian is like a oh but has that not got like connotations religious connotations yeah yeah yeah but they call themselves Fenians they're like I'm a Fenian Like Fenian is Like a Oh but has that not got Like Connotations Religious connotations

Yeah yeah yeah But they call themselves Fenians They're like I'm a Fenian And Is that owning the slayer though It was a slayer

And they took it No You know what Not sure enough Yeah I don't know Not sure enough But I don't think Mackham was ever a slayer

It just become a slayer In the heads of Jotties I think I think Fenian might be The same sort ofur It just become a slur In the heads of Geordies I think I think Fenian might be The same sort of thing It was never a slur In their head And then

Protestants used it So much as a slur That obviously To Protestants Fenian's a massive slur But if you'd ask Catholics They're just like Whereas I think

Hun on prods Is an actual slur What's the etymology of Hun? Is it Attila? It must gotta be Why are Why are Protestants Called Huns? And then after you Google And is Attila? It must got to be. Why are Protestants called Huns?

And then after you Google one over... And is Attila the Hun because he's Hungarian? Where is Attila the Hun? He's not the Mongolian lord, is he? That's Genghis Khan.

Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun, do you reckon they were like same generation? Do you reckon that was like Messi and Ronaldo? No, Genghis Khan was the good... I don't think we know the names of anyone else who existed at Genghis Khan's time

just because he was so unbelievably good at mass murder and rape. There's not like a real reason, but one of the theories is that Hun was a common nickname when discussing Germans during during world war one so it's just that so call them germans call them the enemy i guess call them the enemy so just that just just the etymology is that it's the enemy yeah now google why all hans are bastards

see if that's in there all right i'm glad that i'm glad there when my family's united there was no like sectarian and stuff like I bet you there's some Glasgow Christmases where families have married into each other and then they have to have

Christmas dinner and there's just this like there's just this undertone don't mention the football don't mention politics

politics don't mention any of the we're just going to pray before dinner to which god there was actually a bit where the footballers took their knee before a game and Bobby brought it up like why is this still doing this

I was like oh I don't want this to be a conversation there must have been an incident and that was it why do those why do all those white men who have lots of black friends in life keep doing the thing that the black people are asking them to do? I don't know, I guess the black people are saying that racism's not over.

I'm sorry that your white friends disagree. Man in mixed race marriage doesn't understand racism. Oh, God. There was no drama. Everyone just had a happy time. Everyone got along. My dog was behaved Yeah

My dog is bad in company Right what happens is A lot of people come in She gives them a lot of attention She says hello She brings a toy and barks Everyone's talking But none of them to me

So then People are giving her the attention That she needs And then something fries in her brain Where she stops looking At people for attention And just starts like chasing stuff

that doesn't exist around the house and I was like Do you regret not getting a real dog? Huh? Do you regret not getting a real dog?

I love her so much Aye Aye If you could go back in time and more faces there with one hand as a real dog an actual dog

that was designed for things and to do things designed as man's best friend Yeah I'd have wanted one of them Okay I want one that loves cuddles I want one that'll an actual dog that was designed for things and to do things designed as man's best friend Yeah I'd have wanted one of them Right okay I want one that loves cuddles

I want one that'll just come and just like I'll be sat there and she'll come and lie on our back here and face that way And I'll just be like, alright mate I like that Okay Aye It's absolutely worth the like anxious malpractices that you have Maladaptive behaviour I think is the correct word.

It's worth just losing our mind every now and again just to have the cuddly dog that's chilled to fuck when nobody else is in the house. That's what the same people who have Down syndrome say. I have got a special needs dog. Yeah. And I don't know if it's bad training. Because we've trained her well,

like as far as commands go. But I don't know how, like we've spent money on a trainer to refocus her. So we do like loads of focus training because when she's focused, you've got control of the dog. But when that focus is gone,

you've got no control of the dog. So like we've got like practices to engage focus focus but sometimes then practices can't be in play when you've just got a hoose full of people that aren't pulling in the same direction no different environment as well different environment so like um like when she was here on the party nature was a bit of a nightmare running around like nobody was paying much attention to her but i think she ended up like chewing a bit of paint off your wall because she must have seen a reflection of a light going there and then we weren't paying attention when she did that and we didn't get any of that from our christmas maybe it's a little bit like a little pocket of

it but like uh even she was fucking good as gold when we were just like oh she's gonna be a disaster when the house is full which is all right a lovely day nobody disgraced themselves nah you got it a little bit yeah i mean just like Yeah, I mean, just like, I didn't think it was ever going to blow up. I know you were anxious about, obviously, your parents and your in-laws meeting, but, you know, they've got lots in common. People who shouldn't be Tories who are Tories.

People who get their news from one source. I thought there was there would be like real like I really expected like you and I people who are slightly traumatised from raising their children yeah yeah yeah

I expected you to you and I to be like this is going to be awful and then just took both sets of periods to come in and just complain about

the younger generation being like oh god they're all soft you know the thing the older generation like to do which these lot don't hit their kids

I fucking can't understand that there was a bit where because there was a bit where they were talking about how the old school

method of raising children was better of like disciplining them and teaching them like shouting no and like stopping them from doing a thing rather than

like educate them through it which like I've got a little bit of room for. We used to hit our kids and treat them like shit and they were scared of us and it didn't have any effect on them. Anyway, thanks for inviting us to Christmas

for the first time in 10 years. There were no ramifications for the way I was a parent all of those times. Thanks for the four phone calls. We get a year. Lovely to see you all again. I'm not doing any self-reflecting on any of this.

Fucking idiots. My parents didn't have their kids. Ask them how much they see their kids compared to how much you see your fucking kids. I've got a little bit. I think there's a place for it. As long as you've got a bit of stoicism and you get between action and like like stimulus and reaction and you make that reaction a measured one you know if your eldest child hits your baby

like i think going oh no no be nice play nice that'll hurt like which is like my brother's approach right i would be like oh rain held down on that child so she never does that again like never do that like crying now right i think there's a place and it's a place where like somebody else might get harmed they don't do that for every little thing and waste it you need that for when you need it but I'm not a parent so like you kind of make these judgements

as a non-parent but I like to think that if if my kid's gonna harm me with a kid that's when like you get smite from your parents

not hit I'm not Sean Connery backhanding me kid but like I think there might be a time and a place for like that kind of

old school discipline yeah but yeah yeah yeah but again if your kid is running towards a time and a place for that kind of old school discipline. Yeah, but again, if your kid is running towards a baby and it's just got something in its hand and it's bringing its hand down, if you yell at that kid and be like, don't hit that kid, that kid was not aware that it was just about to hit another kid. That kid wasn't running up there.

Oh no, let it hit the child. You've also got to learn. Self-defense, motherfucker. Arms up Elbows tucked Don't get me wrong I think obviously discipline is a very important thing And how you discipline your children is very important But I think the ways you discipline kids are important

And so many people They think they're getting across one point And what they're actually doing is not getting across that point You are adding levels of Emotional understanding and emotional maturity That children do point. You are adding levels of emotional understanding and emotional maturity that children do not have. You are projecting a level of intelligence onto children that they do not, yes, they're smart,

but they're not smart in the way that we are smart. If you yell at your child after they've done something, you are teaching your child that yelling is scary, right? That's the number one thing you're teaching them, right? Which is, I don't like yelling. This is bad. I know I'm being yelled at. I know I did something and i know i'm being yelled at but now i just know because my memory's so short i know yelling is fucking terrifying and anything that happens i don't want to fucking do that so what i'm actually going to do is i'm

going to learn to hide what i just did because that i've not learned that's bad i've learned yelling is scary and if i get caught doing this i will get yelled at and I don't want that. Like if you're yelling at a dog for pissing in your house, that dog is just going to make sure you don't say piss in the house and hide the piss and now you've got piss behind your couch. Well done. All right. Matt, our kid, Caleb, when he was fucking less than one,

Arlo had just been born, right? Went up to see Arlo. We've got the video. Fucking slaps this kid right on the head right arlo doesn't cry thank but a good slap a good bald headed slap was that kaylin yeah kaylin did it harlow we've got the video it's brilliant right man any one of us could have stopped it but we needed this footage oh no no 250 pound for you he was framed he was there no no because again we were teaching the kid we were teaching it's

him we were teaching with kid it's the same way we were teaching with the cats like you gotta be gentle you gotta like and again you're holding them by the wrist

and you're like gentle you can touch things palm flat not nipping not pinching not everything if we touch things gently it means doing that

and Caelan's getting a good job and he just and for one second brings it down now we could have taken him away and we could have screamed in his face

that he's not allowed to hit kids none of that would have got through none of that would have made any sense to him at all. He's no idea. You can't explain to him what he's, you know, done as much there.

You remove him from the situation. That being said, our son does understand way more than, like, we think. You know me. I just speak to him like he's a bloke. Right. Sometimes kind of laughs at me.

It's sinking in now. You know when you tell him there that you're going out to do a podcast? Aye. And then he, like, he waved at me out the door like and then uh and then you're like we're coming back after the podcast and he went back back and he didn't cry when i left that's because you've constantly done what you've done and explained it to him and eventually he's picked up words like back yeah oh man the other day because sometimes i just like to experiment i'll just give him full sentences and just see how much his brain can sort out i was sat with him and went can you go get me the metal bowl from the drawer

beside the sink right he's 21 months old anyway yeah right and ran around the corner kind of went i wonder what he's off to get Like let's This could be fucking Anything Uh huh You I pointed over there And I said a bunch of words And he picked up the words

Go get Yeah yeah yeah Man he fucking came back With a metal bolt From the thing We were like Ow Is it fluke

Oh yeah Is it fluke Or Could have been Is one of his Is there enough keywords in there Don't know Well it's yeah yeah

Because there is a drawer That he regularly goes into Who knows Who knows But Do you think he hears it like an asian person talking about starbucks vendee grande blah blah blah blah blah blah blah macachino so all the all the words that link the brand word together. Yeah, maybe. Aye. Aye.

I think we're done on that. Nope. Happy Chinese New Year. Bye!