Sloss and Humphries On The Road - This Little Piggy (Ft. Elliot Steel)

Episode Date: October 18, 2023

We'd like to introduce the viewers / listeners who have recently joined us to Elliot Steel who is the first guest in our new studio but a familiar face to the rest of you. Of course the subject matter circles the drain and doesn't get much past foot fetishes and rimming, but if you're here for anything higher brow than that you've chosen the wrong podcast. Enjoy rolling around with us in the gutter. Subscribe via Patreon to receive early access, an additional episode every week, entry to the new discord server and a host of other perks, not to mention the encouragement and validation it gives us with every new member.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickle in the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Oh, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? So have you had those AU vodka drinks? No.

They're like gold. Like Charlie Slough, the Radio 1 DJ. I didn't touch it for ages because I was like, this is just marketed shit. Does AU stand for anything? I don't know. I don't even know if that's the correct name. The atomic symbol for gold.

The atomic symbol for gold. Oh, right. Okay. So it's like gold vodka yeah but it's just it's just in a trashy cat it's it's modern day wkd great i drank two of them uh-huh un-fucking-believable really un-fucking-like you're just drinking needs like what you're doing now it is it's yeah but it's not like dude it's like black grape vodka it's not this it's not like, dude, it's like black grape vodka. It's not this. It's not that.

It's a pre-mixed, like a WKD, VK, but in a can sort of thing. Or like, you know, you get the cocktails in a can. Yeah, yeah. It's like that, but... 300 calories a can because of the sugar. 300 fucking calories a can. That's five kilometres at a decent pace. Yeah.

You have to run five kilometres to get rid of that drink. No, just what sad math was that you know i run i know but i didn't know you lived like that i didn't i didn't know you looked at a fucking meal and went is that bad yeah that's you know when you're an eating disorder i don't count them i'm not like i, I'm not, like, I'm not doing that. Just be believing and have some fucking positivity. I'm not scanning me barcodes,

which I'm not against, by the way. If people are counting their calories, that's a fucking good way of doing things. But I've been on the treadmill doing 5K enough times to know what that settles at.

But that is, that number. You're resting right or burn more calories anyway, but you, but it is what those. You were gutted by that. It's just such, it's just such sad

vegan math yeah like it's more of an observation well i hope it's more of an observation i hope it's an object like i reckon i've done 5k on the treadmill uh well over 100 times if it's merely an observation i don't have a problem with it but it wasn't like pitched in that way it was just pitched in the way of like that like when people who are going through like weight change not because they want to but because they've like been fucking shamed into what do you think i get do you think i look this class without calculations like i think this just happens i want to eat nothing i've got a fucking notepad and pen out in crunching numbers there's something under a bunsen burner bubbling away working out how many how many kilometres you have to run.

It's just, it would be like, I don't know. I'm working out the triangle on a Toblerone to see how fucking much I'm getting by Pythagoras theorem. It would be like looking at a line of coke and being like, that's going to add an extra 30 minutes to my wank and take an extra two hours off me sleep.

And you're like, just do the life, you fucking prick. Mate, I know your glasses aren't broken, but put sellotape on them. Put white sellotape on your glasses immediately. Because I'm, don't get me wrong, I've got nothing wrong with people counting calories. I'm, you know,

I'm technically fucking fast. It's a great way of doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm counting at the minute a little bit. I've fucked up the last two days. Tell your Billy. That's why I'm doing it, you fuck. Why have i come back on this fucking shit heap of a podcast just to prove to our listeners that you're not a 15 year old black girl you can't get one good camera and suddenly i'm brought back on yeah you see

no it does say yes but maybe it is worse for us now that it's on video because like but back before you know this was a liberal podcast or an unliberal podcast oh no liberal because if people thought you were a black woman that's way more diversity than we've had in the previous oh yeah i love that we've like pitched this uh revamp of the studio as well as like now we're going to be getting new guests in because we're not ashamed of the place and then the first guest we'll get back is our most common guest of all time the one one that made it into Pascoe's book. Oh, yeah. What a book.

What a book. Yeah, I mean, you are. Common. Are we saying common or scummy? Me. I'm fake scummy. Yeah, because you're not anymore, but you were scummy. I come from, like, earnest poverty.

He comes from ironic poverty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He, like, culturally appropriates poverty. Mine's like earnest poverty. He comes from ironic poverty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He like culturally appropriates poverty. Mine's like a bit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But no, but I... No, but my dad has the ability

to lose all the money to a woman quite quickly, which is like, you know... I can almost guarantee that that's going to be an inherited trait for you. Yeah. The minute I, the minute I make, because I've started like, I'm starting to do all right. I started to put a bit of money away and stuff. I know you're wearing Jordans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm starting to, oh, oh, no, I'm not, I'm not putting it away. I don't know who I was lying to. Hang on, Elliot, are you not wearing Jordans because the foot fetish guy gave you Jordans for a picture of your feet? Nah, there was that guy who sent me the Jordans. Have we spoken about this on the podcast?

May we talk about it? Okay, so look, I am trying to be less of a bigoted judgmental person. King Shaver. And anyone that's listened to me on this podcast knows how I

you know foot fetish just I'm not grossed out by feet I've sucked toes in my life and I'm I'm a 4.89 on wicky feet

and that's better than my Uber rating but it wouldn't be as good as if you didn't take Uber it's because then you'd be walking everywhere it's a vicious cycle isn't it maybe your Uber rate

is so low it's because when you get in the back you take it off and stick it onto wiki feet under an anonymous name picture of

picture of every guy on wiki feet you can see his feet but then like a slightly perplexed Asian man driving yeah just's wiki beat, you can see his feet, but then like a slightly perplexed Asian man driving. Yeah, just a wiki, yeah, that would be a very funny wiki beat. It's just your feet, like going over the shoulder of Uber drivers

and taxi drivers, putting it on your OnlyFans, and then one day just putting it over a limo driver's shoulder. You're like, oh, la-di-da. limo driver's shoulder you're like oh la-di-da so look I find

I'm trying not to yuck someone else's fucking yum unless you're one of these freaks that dresses up like a baby

in which case you are a pedophile you'll never convince me you're not a pedophile you're a fucking pedo if you fuck someone who dresses as a kid you're also a pedo

everyone involved in any baby shit you're all fucking pedos also put schoolgirl costume in that bracket as well, you fucking weirdo. Also, if you're a porn channel, is it barely legal?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, none of that. That's fucking... I don't really watch porn. I think you're allowed to do barely legal up until you're 21 or 22, surely. Until you're barely legal.

You can work to barely legal. Aye, but even if that's like Your search Anyway Feet Is not in that bracket No Feet is not

But you feel like It's encroaching on that bracket Is that how No definitely isn't Those dudes are weird They're weird They've got a thing about them They make it their personality

Yeah And it's just a weird thing And maybe it's because I am so Like I'm not A sub In any way that not necessarily i'm a dog but i i love my wife so much more than i've loved apart from my son more than i've in my life if she was like i want to try you tie you to a bed i'm like go to a sex worker you are under

no circumstance are my hands going in a binding and fucking, I'm not, if I'm not in control. I heard your vows, I heard your vows. I'm sure she can find some smile print in that. You're trying to make her happy if that's what makes her happy. What you're saying,

that's what you want and you're never going to get that for the rest of your life. No, no, no, no, no, no. Because if for fucking five years she hasn't been into that and then she suddenly gets into it, I'm like,

all right, this is a new thing. Would that be like a thing? No, I wouldn't leave her. You wouldn't be thrilled about it? She could let me know how much it turned her on and I would absolutely do it. And then with that, I would bring out some of the stuff.

I'm like, all right, well, I'm slightly into this then. And I was just going to save it for wanks. But now that you're making me do something I'm deeply uncomfortable with, I feel more comfortable making you do this thing that I thought would only exist in porn for me. Because I never wanted you to do this thing because the reason I like it

is because when I'm drunk and I'm watching porn, sometimes I just like, you know, the degradation side of things. And the thing is, I don't want to degrade my wife, right? I used to degrade her like a slut

when we were just in a relationship. Which was just your ex-bird sister. But there's just something, I'm like, I don't know what happens when you have a kid together and you're married I don't want to degrade my wife

I want to fucking champion my wife support her degrade everyone else's wife yeah absolutely I want to get it back to the foot thing but also

be on the side of the foot people how glad are you that society is set up for you not to be king shamed that you enjoy boobs what the thing the things children drink out of the things set up for producing milk you're to be king shamed that you enjoy boobs what the thing the things children

drink out of producing milk you're not getting king shamed on that because well i love tits everybody even like straight lasses love tits man right but the reason we like tits is because most of us were fucking breastfed so it's a psychological thing who as a baby was psychologically to your mom but i got a i got a theory on people with foot fetishes. Yeah. Do you know this little piggy went to the market? They were just like mad into that as a kid. Aye.

You're laughing, but what theories have you got? I don't know. What was the whole song again? This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy stayed at home. This little piggy was a fucking slut, wasn't it? This piggy was a bad bitch.

This little piggy had done, and this little piggy went, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, all the way to the prostate. Yeah, but like, that's my theory on it, that there was just something within that, that they probably did that to a later developed stage,

and that stayed. I love the idea of your dad doing the piggy thing and instead of a pacifier dummy you've got a ball and i've got lots of friends well not lots of friends i have some friends who are like into feet and i know they're not like creeps or awful. I know a girl who's massively into feet, which I always find weird because it isn't, I'm going to say this and this is probably wrong.

I feel like 99% of fetishists are blokes. Women just can't be out and proud about their fetishes. It's like when you, and it's the other way around as well because it's like every time I used to have this, you'd get talking to a girl and that whole thing

that I think girls do this to make you feel, like they're cool sometimes, is they'll be like, oh my God, I'd love to have a threesome. And then you start organising a threesome, and like, they see that you have,

you have the, Stuffed pages come in, stuffed pages, especially photos, that went up in six years, bzz, bzz. Let me go into, Gotta run,

leaving the office. Let me go into the general section of my Instagram comments and make this dream come true. Why is there the silhouette of a goat up in the sky? Oh my God, Elliot wants a threesome. But even with another lad or a girl, and then you sort of sit and they go like,

but sort of the same way that when I, I do it similar but a different way. When I meet a girl and then like you sort of sit and they go like but like sort of the same way that when i i do it similar but like a different way like when i meet a girl i'm like yeah no no i got i'm i'm into going to therapy i'm gonna sort myself out a little bit yeah and then you just don't because you don't want to you're just trying to impress someone but i think girls get you try to impress them with therapy is that what the dating seems like now fuck yeah bro like yeah mental health's the new physically strong. I don't think it's necessarily like mental health, like being strength and stuff,

but I think it's like being accountable for your own emotions. That's the new good wage. Yeah. Like over the generations, it's been like, if you go way back, it's like probably physical ability to defend your family. And then if you go a little bit sooner, it's being able to provide an income. Are you talking about back when we fucking made real men?

Back when men were women and women were sluts. And gay men were also sluts. But we just called them gay. And lesbians were only in porn, not on our streets. Not driving our buses. Pass the jaw. Pass the fucking jaw. So we talked about this

last night the dating scene especially in London at the minute is very peculiar because it's I can get elevated because of my job

and I play like Top Secret quite regularly so I guess I no I just meet a lot of people yeah

and you break the ice through your job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally that. And I,

you know, I go on stage and I play like the fucking chubby lad a little bit, but also there's that slight intelligence, that bit of emotion to it. Like it's not just, yeah, it's, it's,

it's not just, you know, going up there, colour by numbers, it's like a little bit. And it, but after you've met me three times, you realise that I'm a fucking mess.

So. Oh, but it you've met me three times you realize that i'm a fucking mess uh so didn't take me three times there is people that's how you were introduced to me there's people who have just been listening to this podcast from this episode they've only known you without meeting you for like 10 minutes they already know they already know drinking vodka neat at 12 in the afternoon. Yeah, yeah, it was great. So good. So, but like a few of the girls that I always meet, they date a lot of like high-end finance guys. And then they end up, because they go like, I'm bored of this kind of dude because they're quite-

How many fucking times can you go skydiving? NPC sort of- Dubai holders. Yeah, they're just fucking jarring guys. And you know, these girls have a bit about them. And they, like the stories that I hear about these finance dudes are fucking insane. What, as in like they're crazy or they're the dullest people alive? They're the dullest people alive because you think it's going to be like Wolf of Wall Street.

Of course. You think you're going to be hanging out. Because as bad as whatever his name is, whoever Leonardo DiCaprio plays in that film is. Belford. Vito Belford. Vito. Vito Belford. Yep.

After steroids were bad for the UFC. Dad bought Belford. Dad bought Belford. He started it with Overeem, I think. Yeah. But they're just they're just like the most boring

went to public school had to work hard to get this job at Deloitte or whatever it is they're working at because they got rid

of all the fun people they got rid of all the fun cokeheads yeah they got rid well because they were I imagine those

were the ones responsible for the last three banking crises yeah but dude and also they were like never out of HR

for the way the way with women, I imagine. I know, I know, I know. And it's wrong. But have you seen the sluts in HR? That's why they're doing it. I'm molesting chicks just to get in there. Just kidding, I'm just kidding. All right, Helen, darling.

Me again. Man, I just want to get someone to recommend me to go to HR. It's like VIP at the club. They've got no one to go to. This is funny because my wife worked in HR. Snitch. Knock. But yeah, they're like the dullest, saddest cokeheads.

And you think they're gonna be the fun. You know, as well, I think guys in that life, they just go get sex workers a lot because that's their therapy. Like I know of dudes who are like 40 or 50 in that world who would just go get sex workers and then cry to them. Just sit there and cry to them because they have a wife, have a kid.

They love the kids. They hate their wife. They're in this marriage. They've done everything that the British private education system has told them that they need to do. The template life, the thing they should be grateful for

and should be grateful for. Yeah, but marrying into marriage, not because you love someone, but because they are from this dynasty. They also go to... Oh yeah, I married an um all man it's a political relations yeah yeah it's a it's a lovely it's a loveless marriage just so like that britain and all man can have good diplomacy and we said we sent you

old subaru kai i was on m Mitsubishi's at the time, I'll have you know. When you meet like the Omani diplomats and they're turning up in like Lamborghinis and that, and you're like, oh, hey, wait a minute, you've got to fucking put something louder on the exhaust there, man. You turn up in a Lotus Elise because I know you used to own one, you fucking idiot. The centre of it is, right, they called us into the embassy.

They went, Kai, I'm going to send you overseas. And I went, oh, man. And then that's where the centre is. Just put some money in the fucking jar, right? You understand I have to podcast with this kind every fucking week, right? Making us listen to that. No!

Stop at the conference. Stop at the conference. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Excuse me, everyone. Like a father of the bride when it's... Who takes a run up for a pun? Puns are slipped into conversation, right? So you can get away with them.

I had to think of the word embassy so I could do it. I was like, what's the name where your delegates go? What's the place? Embassy in the... Anyway, they said, yeah, man. Fucking hell. I do a podcast with them every week, man. It's this.

But yeah, these guys are... But they're fucking dull. And then, I mean, just go hang out with them. But they've also got like high-end jobs. They're like lawyers working banking and stuff and all of this shit. And don't they all want to be regardless of their gender people who are high up in like finance or high up in any sort of like big a company men and corporate world yeah that's what i was looking for thank you people who are high up in the corporate world when they go to sex

workers men or women want to just be treated like shit. No No all the time because I know I've got I've got friend of a friend and she is very very high up in Our company in like Australia, right? She's like one of the if not for EP. She was just high up in Australia One of the fucking companies over there and like strong fucking woman obviously has to be she's like third in Australia she's just in one of the fucking companies over there and like strong fucking woman obviously has to be, she's in charge of all these fucking men all the time, keeps them in line he's fucking, you know, trying to get there it's dealing with misogyny even at the fucking top

and putting it out and you know, and trying not just going through the whole fucking shit apparently, like goes to sex workers because she can't be arsed having kids or a husband with her job or everything. So she gets her kicks by going to a sex worker. And it's just like,

treat me like absolute fucking dirt. Kick me in the tits and that. Because all I have is all day men being like, yes ma'am, no ma'am, what would you like me to do ma'am? I want you to. Nice.

Which I think. Soak your finger and put it in your ear. Stuff like that. Really degraders. Fucking really using your imagination there. When can I ask? I think you just imagine women going there and they're like

no a different hole no no Kai asked me what a blowjob was and he said it resulted in a wet willy you put money

in a fucking jar I didn't stop the conversation that's not what the jar is you've misjudged the jar yeah I I reckon I could I'm trying to I didn't stop the conversation for it. That's not what the jar is. You've misjudged the jar.

Yeah, I reckon I could... I've tried a bit of sub stuff before. It's not... How far did you go? You tapped. Yeah. Immediately. I lost the jiu-jitsu tournament. No, I...

I've had a bit of spit thrown in my face I keep a bottle of it in the room your safe words bruv I had a girl one slapped me on the arse during sex and I stopped I stopped I went never about this on the last podcast I stopped

I went Never fucking do that again I once had a girl We were both on separate nights out Did the night Hey what you up to text Got to hear what you up to text Went and met her

And she had a night out on the gear She was on the coat Got back to mine We're like making out And she bit through my lip Bit through it Nah Not a bit of cannibalism there Not a bit of cannibalism I like Prude Stop We're like making out and she bit through my lip. Oh. Bit through it. Nah. And I was like.

Not a little bit of cannibalism there. No. Not a little bit of cannibalism. I like. Prude. Stop. Blood's pouring everywhere. This is during the fringe

several years ago as well. So I've got, I've got, I've got to do a fucking show the next day. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck?

She freaked out, cried, and because she cried, I apologised. No, you didn't. I was like, I'm sorry, I'm and because she cried, I apologised. I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I screamed when you bit through my lip. But that's like what happens when a toddler hurts you.

Whenever Caleb, because he doesn't understand pain in his own arms, he'll swing around occasionally and just catch you in the fucking eye. Now that his teeth are coming through and he bites your lip, it really hurts. That's my fault for putting it in there whenever he fucking hits me with anything like i'll go out and not like fuck and he'll start crying it's like matt don't gaslight me you did that like i know you didn't fucking mean it but i like to feel pain here crying it's like matt come don't gaslight me you did that like i know you didn't fucking mean it but i like to feel pain here yeah it's just i think there's a thing where like it's some people's uh i've noticed this a lot in both men and women i think one of the things

that i used to do could play a lot because i date women i would then just be like well that's just women like that's what they're like because my only interaction was dating them. I didn't have to go through the atrocities that are dating men. Whenever I hear... I was chatting to my friend... Mind you, I don't hear gays complaining

about dating men all the time. Yeah, because they're fucking blokes. They push it down. They know how to deal with their feelings. You push it down. Kill yourself when you're 40. That's how it works.

Fucking sitting on the sofa crying about it at the notebook be a fucking man talking to your friends about it like a girl have you ever

been in an old whatsapp group where someone's trying to emotionally open up and there's six hours of no one replying and someone

being like Burnley fuck my accumulator there I was having like an argument with all nine of them in the football group one time, right? And I was just convinced I was right. I still am, right?

But you know what I'm like, I'll not let go of something, even if I'm outnumbered. So I'm like, they're in my finances on one screen, right? And on the other screen is my WhatsApp and I keep diving in and just keep explaining why I'm right

and I'm just fucking not letting go. They're past it, right? And they start talking about how I'm not in a good place at the minute and he's been acting a bit strange and all that. And I was in a fucking super good place in my life. Everything's going well. Everything's going nice.

I'm just fucking floating around on life. I take my finances and I'm like, fuck, man, it's a good job I'm not. It's a good job I'm not down that. They're just slagging us off in front of us about us being on the fucking edge of fucking despair. No, but I think that an important caveat here is about when we're talking about fucking men's mental health

and stuff, right, is whenever one of us puts something in the group, being like, oh, I'm having a fucking rough time with this, you will get skewered instantly and it will be brought up for like four weeks of being like, he's still sad that his fucking gran's dead. But like, everyone DMs the person. person like it's like publicly humiliate uh yeah privately console like it would because here's what here talking to other men about your feelings and what's going on

in your brain is a really really good thing and i do think we could all even in this group we could all be fucking better at it i tell you what's not fucking conducive to mental health doing it with five blokes just all sit down hi guys I've had a really rough day man we're out for a pint what are you fucking doing yeah

Steve the football's on yeah we're all sad when the football's on yeah it's but I'll say this I've gone for a minute when I told the group

about my dad's cancer everyone was like cracking jokes about that and it was very cathartic but the other one was I talked about it in through a minute I told the group about my dad's cancer everyone was like cracking jokes about that and it was very cathartic but the other one was I talked about it in my show when I got the if laughter is the best medicine

how come your dad still got cancer because he's not a great comic because he doesn't watch anyone else's set yeah so but I remember

when I got needed balls at jiu jitsu left it three days and then three days later I had to get surgery which is the funniest fucking thing to go

because I went oh I got really hurt at Jiu Jitsu today and no one gave a fuck and then three days later being like I've got to have surgery I might lose a testicle

there's actually three days of fucking testicle jokes in the WhatsApp like nobody anybody actually like took a second to think if you were alright yeah yeah yeah

Mark Nelson went on stage at Leighton Live and got 300 people to sing Elliot Steele's Only Got One Ball oh yeah I forgot he did that that was like that didn't even register

because you were in trouble yeah no that thing's still very good but that was that to me like when I I walked out to me like when I I walked out just at the place where they told it

I sat down I had a wobble like Dave Goggins and me kicked in don't fucking cry you know what I mean he's gonna carry the boats

you gotta fucking Dave Goggins kicked in so deny all PTSD yeah yeah yeah but you've got like you need to have guys like that

yeah yeah man because it's like every now and then alright okay I agree we need to have do they need to be on Joe Rogan's podcast

yeah because you know what are they going to go on the fucking guilty feminist what are they going to go on he's reaching the people that need to hear it yeah well yeah

yeah sorry what was that I said he's reaching if Dave Goggins goes on with that fucking mindset on Joe Rogan's podcast he's reaching the people that needs to hear it

yeah like you say if he goes on the guilty feminist like he's talking to the wrong audience yeah well he's on the people that needs to hear it yeah like you say if he goes on the Guilty Feminist like he's talking to the wrong audience yeah he's on there like

yeah I used to be fat I lost weight and then oh body shamed beautiful man there we go there he fucking is

oh just give us a ten and I'll swap them over get a change right and I'll sit them over. They're getting changed. Right, I'll sit. We'll do the next one. Right. I want to get back to the guy buying you Jordans for your foot fetish.

I'll lead in with this story, right? I've always loved getting my toes sucked. It feels sensational, right? I don't have a foot fetish. I think I've just learned this about you. And here's the thing. I don't have i think i've i think i've just learned this about you and here's the thing i don't have a foot fetish but it guns down me back like i feel it in my body if i get my toes sucked like it's a tingle sensation that like i can feel in my fucking genitals if you suck my toes well like you do feel it in your body but you do feel it down your body that's why you're ticklish in your feet. Okay, so getting your toes sucked.

Yeah, I can feel it through my body. And that's not like new. Like if someone tickles your feet, you don't just feel it only in your feet. Like it gets up you and that's why your body reacts in a kind of convulsing way. But if you're like,

if you're sucking it, that's like a kind of distilled version of that of being tickled where it actually feels nice because it's not intrusive. I just don't see what, like I understand what you're saying. version of that of being tickled where it actually feels nice because it's not intrusive i just i i just don't see what like i understand what you're saying but like if somebody tickles my feet like i fucking convulse i cannot imagine somebody's sucking my toe there is no way i am not accidentally

knocking out all of her fucking right yeah so that's just from a fucking boom so that's that's where natalie's at that she's like even touching her feet. Whereas I can like withstand a bit of tickling. I've got a good tolerance to it. So, so, so. Stop saying that like you're some IDF soldier who's about to go take a tickling. You don't understand my mentality, bro. I can take a bit of tickling.

Shut the fuck up. You're on Navy SEAL. Guantanamo Bay would have to think of different methods to get secrets out of me. I wouldn't be singing like a canary. I'd just be like, ooh. I'd have a heart on. You know there was one dude in Tanimal Bay like,

oh, no, not me again. Oh, no. Oh, oh, don't. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Do you think when Tanimal Bay tickles his torture? That was the joke. Oh, yeah, yeah. They sit there and they go,

don't make us bring the tickle monster in wait wait you guys have the tickle monster here he's in

America fuck Jesus Christ you just say you wax in with a furrow and I'm

like Milo Troy Hawks some dude just smoking a cigarette after they've taken a bag

off your head and goes gotta see we're gonna have to do this the hard way oh good she could

she could on the armpits fully expecting to just dump a cigarette out in your eye and he's like oh this little piggy went to market

oh no both of my weaknesses so one name Natalie goes to this because I'd mentioned this to Van

she's disgusted by it, right? Yeah, absolutely. A couple of years into the relationship, totally, that whole conversation is out of my mind, completely,

and I'm about to go for a shower before bed, and she just went, wash yourself thoroughly, and I was like, class. Took steel wool to his arsehole. That is, a hundred percent,

what I did. Not even exaggerating I was fucking legs over my heel making a whistle I was making my butthole whistle

I didn't even touch my feet I was I didn't fucking do nothing you're sitting in the shower getting all that

it's going up your feet and you're like it's hard to worry about all the shit and blood that you're wiping

from your arse just goes down your legs between your toes and everything. Flavours it like a cornet. Oh, man. Oh, and Cornetto.

Oh, nice. You guys catching it's contagious. I fucking hope not. My buns are rubbing off on you. So, aye. So, I got my feet sucked once by my wife, never again. Really? That's funny. I had my feet sucked once, but it wasn't like,

it didn't really do anything for me. It was like, you know, when a girl is about to give you a head and she kisses there and you've got to act like, oh, I enjoy that. I like that, getting a big torso kiss. That's nice. Yeah? Yeah.

You're gay, bro. You're fucking gay. I'm trying not to be hubba-bubba, but he's not wrong. I don't care if Margot Robbie's doing that shit to you. That's fucking batty, man. No. I would rather the video came out of me at an after-party kissing a dude at the French than a video of a girl kissing my sternum.

I was like, no. Right, if it balances it, I'm not that arsed about having a bath. I can live with you having another bath for the rest of your life. Oh, I love about a little scented candle in the bath. I'll put on some rain music to that meditation and that. So, yeah.

Here's where my hypocrisy fucking lies. I have sucked toes with a girl I'm bound in the past What made them suck their toes? I'm like, oh, you know You're doing things to me that you probably don't It isn't the sexiest for you But you get off on it, turn on me

And I'll absolutely do that, right? Man, you and me, we're in the same boat We both love rimming, right? We're rimmers Are you a rimmer? You look like a rimimmer I've rimmed I've skimmed but I'm not

it's not it's when you take a wider circumference like yeah yeah yeah you're not you're not battering it down like satin

rather than uranus no I just take a stone and see how many bounces I can get it to do so I mean I can get it to do. So, I mean, I can't imagine Cara's going to be too happy with me telling this story. So when we started shagging behind closed doors, nobody else could really know that we were banging.

Because we were like, oh, this will never, you know, nobody's going to find out about this. We can do whatever we want. We were just like, let's just fuck each other rotten here on a regular basis. And that was when I was heavily into my ribbing. of was like I've never been rimmed but it's like if you're that into it sure right dad and she was like don't need to do much for me but if you if that gets your rocks off back there you go nuts did that did that make it better for you knowing that you were a first um no not really no you can't really claim you can't really claim I took someone's virginity

because I'm the first person to eat their arse. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad that she trusted me enough to let her do that. I think it takes a certain amount of trust to let somebody stick a tug in your arse. So you didn't feel anything more that it was new because she lied to you for nothing? No, no, no.

But there was like, she always made it very sort of clear. She was like, I don't mind it, but it does not get me off. It doesn't turn me off, right? But it also doesn't turn me on heavily. And I'm like, that's fine. And you know what I mean?

Who's rimming for five minutes? You're in for like 30 seconds to a minute, and then you go elsewhere. One time I was rimming her when we were drunk. I looked up, and she was bent over, and I could see her shaking her head. Just like, fuck. Good time, man. She's like, oh, for fuck's sake. He's going to die, man.

She's like, oh, here he fucking goes. And I laughed into her arsehole, which obviously then made her laugh, which made it so... Made her head inflate. Like I'd used her like a laugh trumpet, right? And then we bagged for a bit and then we finally, like after a year,

decide that she's going to come to New York and we're going to see if it could be a fucking real relationship. And we haven't seen each other in, I think at this point, like two months. Oh no, sorry, this is even later. It's when we're together. I've just not seen her for two months.

We're very much in love. We're not engaged yet, but I'm away for two months. It's the longest I've been, it's when we're together, I've just not seen her for two months, we're very much in love, we're not engaged yet, but I'm away for two months, it's the longest I've been, it's just before COVID, and she comes over, and we get drunk, and later that night,

we're off to have sex, and I'm getting head, so I'm sort of, but like not lying down, head like I'm over her, like she's on her back, like head against the, like you're holding the headboard,

yeah, yeah, and that sort of head, and it's great i'm enjoying myself and she starts she starts going down like i'm like oh great man does it fucking i love a good ball suck that's great and then she starts going further than that and when I tell you I jumped like a fucking cat landing on a counter with tinfoil

back to the scene but when she she got to about there and I went Cara no Cara Cara no and she was like

really because she was going to rim me why would you want no one there I think my exact words to her and you can ask

I'm pretty sure my exact words to her were and you can ask, I'm pretty sure my exact words to her were, there's no going back from this. Like, if you do this once to me, like, you're going to find out how much I enjoy it, then it's going to have to be like a regular thing. So you stopped doing it? Yeah.

So she's never rimmed you because you were too worried about being an addict? Because you were like like the same way I don't do heroin no no no you're gonna have that thing that people like who are like

they've cut out foods but have watched people eat food you're gonna get people come around watch someone rim someone and just go I remember that

it wasn't just so much that it was more the fact that like I knew I knew how much how sort of apathetic she was to being rimmed right

and if you don't like being rimmed there's no way you like rimming someone else so I'm just nah I don't know I remember the first time I got rimmed by some rat so your dad got throat cancer

what's the male version of HPV it was actually the night I met my ex-girlfriend but I went home with someone else and I met this girl went out, we ended up hooking up it was during the fringe it was like the cool kind of hook up she was like would you fuck off and I was like, it was like the cool kind of hookup where she was like, would you fuck off?

And I was like, I would love to fuck off. No, that was not what I thought. That's amazing. And I went and did Late in Life and then I met someone else and it was the last time on the Fringe and I like went back with this woman

and she was like, like in her forties but used to be a porn star and she was going to me like, why don't you come back to mine? We'll like do a load of gear I've got like all these sex toys and stuff and I'm not going to lie

what she was telling me it sounded like something out of a Saw movie and I was like I don't want to do that just dildos on scale electrics you're tied to the track but not across it

she just cycles in with circles on her cheeks I'm all embarrassed. And yeah, and she rimmed me, and I was just there like, oh. Like, you sit like, yep, there's no, that's, the floodgates are open. Yeah, it's done.

Like, I think there's, I do think in... I don't get this logic, though. Like, can you not just get rimmed in and one-off? Like, my foot's like a thing. Why don't you do heroin once? Yeah. It's not the same as that. You're not going to be fucking jonesing for a rim

and just like in the middle of the cinema, like, oh, wait, can we go to the toilet? I'll suck your dick. I'll suck your dick for a rim, Joe. I think it was, I don't know. Maybe it's also because like, I don't know if this it's also because like in I don't know if this is traditional

for all relationships I know it's very common in straight relationships but I'm the pig right and she's the one that I drag down

to my I don't know she likes being dragged down to my level you think she's foolish compared to you no I don't think she's foolish

compared to me at all no no no not at all. I just think the tradition, like, it's like what we said the other week on the fucking podcast we were talking about. Women come home from work

or jogging and men are like, I'll still eat your pussy. Whereas if a man comes back from jujitsu, women are like, I ain't even kissing you until your fucking fully submerges it.

No, there's some girls out there, like, Are there? There's some girls out there, like, Google it. Find out how near they are. The website tells you. They're all in our local area.

Every time I whine now, it says, horny milfs in your area. I go for a slap cut across the back of the head. I'm like, who did you tell? Who are you horny for? Hey, what are you doing? The computer just said you're horny. What the fuck?

We live in a remote location. It's not killing. People back in the day having to walk up a hill to see if there's any local horny women. Can't see them. You had to go through the street with a bell. Bring out your milfs.

Bring out your milfs. Bring out your milfs. Looking through the yellow pages. There's got to be... Mitchell. Milton. Milf. But when I put... Oh, Sussex.

But when I put up a picture of that jiu-jitsu site, I get more... The messages I get from that are from... There's a fair few people who follow me on Instagram and stuff are other martial artists, and people quite higher up the food chain of martial artists than me. I'm just a hobbyist who does it. But I've got a few quite well-known pro people,

so they'll message me and I'll talk to them about it. There'll be the odd girl who's like, oh, I think it's hot, and then a fair few gay dudes where it's like you need to calm down there son like you you can't send me this message like i do just like you can't send another man a love heart i emoji thing she wasn't even like dead horny it was just sweet first of all i have a question was that person Dave Longley no Longley Longley sends me

me and Longley will like chat about it and then I'll bore Longley yeah and then like his autism kicks in and he goes somewhere else Dave Longley's been added again

we need to tell the listeners just to any new listeners that have decided to come in and join Sloss and Humphries on the World Podcast there's a fair few of you thank you for joining us

yeah really all of your money has gone to charity now that we've upped the game a little bit a very important bit of context that I think you all need and some rules

I would like you to follow there is a very very funny comedian called Dave Longley who is just a vile troll in our comments on Instagram in the funniest way

it's what he does in comedy it's what in the funniest way it's what he does in comedy it's what he does on Facebook it's what he does to all of his fucking friends which is

he tries to bone he doesn't care that he loses like 99% of the room just to make 1% of your laugh I want you to be part of the 1%

that's in on the joke Dave Longley despite what he will fucking tell you is an incredibly liberal man an incredibly liberal left leaning man

but he loves stirring up the left yeah he hates left-wing people and he hates fucking liberals and all he does under our comment under our posts on instagram is just antagonize people he pretends to be an obstetrician who is incredibly misogynistic to all of the weak women who cry during birth i'm mourning during childhood and it's the funny and it does us huge favours because every time he comments

underneath and because he gets all this engagement in one or two of you might have been suckered in you might be finding out about this

now and you're like oh damn it I got baited don't be afraid like a lot of people got baited by it but you've got to let the bait

keep happening don't like his comments don't reply if you don't know just man let the cunt fish because he's so good at it he catches some big ones

and it really really drives engagement on the post man I get so many messages from like friends who don't even listen to our podcast

but are like Longley's having a great day your mum didn't click on straight away what he was doing you got a message this Dave Longley's a wanker, and you're like, oh, mum, listen to this.

Listen to this. Wait for the bigger picture. To get back to the point that started all of this, I don't know how much you took advantage of it, but a man messaged you. Yeah, because he was like, he loves that I'm an alpha, genuinely. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah. He was like, just because, if you look at my content, I'm not an alpha, but if you look at my- You he loves that I'm an alpha. Genuinely. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. He was like, just because... If you look at my content, I'm not an alpha, but if you look at my... You don't think you're an alpha? Are you usually an alpha when you're not on this podcast? Fuck yeah, bro. I'll beat the fuck out of most of these fucking cucks doing comedy.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Being an alpha in comedy isn't that hard. I think being good at football and comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, if you can bench press over 40kg, you're an alpha in comedy. I couldn't believe it when I had games of football

for the comedians. I went from being one of the least good out of my Geordie mates. Oh, but there's... Being one of the best in stand-up. There's a comedian's football that happens in Shoreditch on a Sunday, and the level is good.

And there's been fights kick off. It's been like... I've been there and it's been like. Fights? Yeah, man. There was one I wasn't there for, but I got told about that 11 asides never allowed to happen again. Because it like all kicked off.

And then- One of the day legs start clicking like the sharks in the jet. No, no, I'll tell you what it's got. It's got, it's, it's, it's, the standard is good. Everyone has sound. Fucking Tim Key writing a poem angrily about you no it's not that one

that's that's Tuesday Football and that is a sacred bastion of like James Acaster and Ian Smith nah nah hold on dude

I will not have a bad word said about Tuesday Football that place is a fucking oh I thought you were about to say I'll not have a bad word said about James Acaster and I was like

get off the fucking podcast in my head I was like it it's better be Ian Smith. Doesn't matter, I ain't trying to end up in another book. But the Sunday one's a little bit, but yeah, this guy messaged me a pay pig, I believe he is called. Pay pig? A pay pig.

Elaborate please So It's a pay pig Only little pig That appears when he's for dirt Yeah But like I'm sorry Just for me

Can we just get a clip of that Just that single one sentence And just Kai's face Just him saying I'm doing a little pig That pays for dirt If I If I

If I could just have that As like a reaction meme Or a reaction clip more than reaction very very happy just a little dirty bigger legs elaborate please so only little pig that appears when he's dead Matthew had it so

so he like messaged me he's going like oh I love you I was like one of those a fucking foot person as well

he'll probably he'll probably watch this he'll be into that I can cut him off like he was like look man if you send me

a picture of your feet yeah just show us what you want us to buy I was like wow I was like, look, man, if you send me a picture of your feet, just show us what you want us to buy. I was like, wow. Blank check. You don't want to overreach. You put it in the group, but you were like, I'm not going to do this. And I was like, absolutely fucking do it.

If this guy. They just got Gibson and sent pictures of other people's feet. Alrighty then. Leave it in so yeah so he said like a few people were like it's very funny because all my white friends were like yeah and all my white friends were like, yeah.

And all my black friends were like, I don't know if we can hang out if you do this. But you were like, but guys, Jordans, I'll ask for Jordans. And then, and then, yo, send my feet, bro. I don't know if he wants size 24s.

I think he likes my dainty little white alpha feet suddenly I have a dream that my feet will one day get me Jordans so

then he says Jordans and then he was like hold on how did you how did you do the trade

did you just send trade, man? Did you just send the feet and just go, I hope I haven't been bumped. So yeah, this guy messaged me, he wanted me to send him a picture of his feet, so I did it, he sent me Jordan's. He also went to me, I'll send you a bit of money if you send me some homophobic comments or something. And I was like, bro, you beat me at FIFA

and I will give you homophobic comments. Hey man, it slips out, it slips out. I don't like myself for it. But yeah, I got the Jordans and I was thrilled. But yeah, it's something like a bit of money and stuff. Man, fair play, reclaim it. Women's champion, he's here for this shit. So I'm all about it.

Hey, I just want to say, as a proud sex worker, Sarah Pascoe, I think the comments that you've made about our community are derogatory. And as someone who yourself has never done sex work, you don't know what we the sex workers go through on a day-to-day basis. It's not all survival sex work. Some of it's for shoes it's it's been a tough road and it's been hard to speak about

there's a documentary coming out about it for some reason you're fucking on it um man if you know anything about my career it's i love getting paid to snitch are you gonna want next year's tour post that have a scene on netflix and dispatches no no no because here's the fucking difference i got paid for netflix the amount of right-wing fucking lunatics who may be like, how much money did you get for that?

I'm like, a channel for rape documentary? Do you think, first of all, do you think documentaries pay money? Like, is that, do you genuinely believe in the world? In an expose? Yeah, in an expose. They're like, yeah, yeah, come and say stuff.

Nobody gets paid in fucking documentaries. You wouldn't have been the only person snitching. I love the idea that... I passed the job for us even counting. I love the idea that there's a... Put a tenner in. There's an agent there going, how much? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

You're not able to get McIntyre for that. You can get Sloss. That's fucking insane. But just like the... Oh, you could get Nish Kumar. Oh, no, he's too scared. Oh, James A. Cassidy. Oh, he's too scared.

You leave my football team alone. We're a band of brothers. It's fine, man. I can't believe you play with women. It's the most progressive thing I've seen you fucking do. Yeah, well, you know, I'd like to be able to body someone off the board. As the only actual male feminist on the UK comedy scene,

I can say all of this. I think anybody who wears a T-shirt saying this is what a feminist looks like is hiding in plain sight. Oh, yeah, dude. That's, yeah. That's a red flag if i see that yeah it's like putting a blue badge on your car just to get close to parking in it like what are you doing that for right it's just gross also i've said this before as somebody who had a

disabled sister right and and we got closer parking all the time. They don't need closer parking. They're always on wheels. Yes! When Josie was around, you could have had us parking at the fucking back of the car park. As long as it was wide parking for getting the chair down the side of the vehicle. So the main part of the need in the disabled space is the space, right?

Yeah. But you're saying the proximity is just a nice privilege to give somebody that's got a lot on their plate. That is me very specifically talking about disability where it's like people getting into wheelchairs. Of course, there are people who've used the handicap spaces because they've got other body issues

where they're still able to walk. They walk with a stick. Yeah, you get it. Be progressive. Are they all dead? No, I was just there. I thought you were talking about something else there. The disabled. Are they all dead? I thought you were talking about something else there on a disabled

are they all dead what did you what has happened during the recording of this podcast one of the cameras overheated yep dead

you have to get I have to get a taxi to go to some place in the Lake District blog something down the lens of that camera BTEC Philosophers is back I'm going on tour

the dates will be announced soon my social media is taking off at the minute please follow me on Instagram you can on Twitter but Twitter is a hell hole so

and if you want to see his stinky stinky feet all you have to do is buy him a Bear Jordan 3 genuinely I'm making a bit of money now force

but yeah it was lovely to be back man it's lovely to see you both thanks for being the first guest I'm making a bit of money now Fours But yeah It was lovely to be back man It's lovely to see you both Thanks for being the first guest On the new fucking Poilership podcast Thank you Yeah

Right There we are you