Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Together Again

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

Sloss and Humphries back on the Road, Muggins and Cream, good old bro's, kicking up dust and taking names, grousome twosome, Lilo and Stitch, The destroyer of worlds, top mates, Starsky and the other bloke, Chalk and Peas, somebody try and stop them, the runaway train, CHOOOO CHOOOO

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins Straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha!

They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11 how do you want to start something big and grand like a major introduction like a big comeback oh do we have to I mean I'm literally hold on I'm just

literally scheduling an atherapy session as we speak well I'm recording that's how we're starting that's fair enough because normally after these

I have to go to therapy that's what I'm saying you're scheduling I don't know I'm going to turn this make up so make up my therapist my therapist has it hard

he sent me a message like fucking three days ago being like wait until your next session and just because I was I was stoned and happy I was like I'll reply to him later

and then I fucking forgot you forgot to reply to him aye and do you think therapists worry about you do you think they get attached to their to their prey

I think he he must do like he he must apply his knowledge of me so I don I think he must do, like he must apply his knowledge of me. So I don't think he was worried. I'm not on suicide watch. He's not like,

oh God, Daniel's not replied in three days. It must be bad. But it's also not self-serving like, fucking this guy was giving us quite

a fucking bit of income the last couple of weeks. Like we need to get him, we need to get him in trouble again. We need to add some jeopardy to his life. Is it like?

No, he's invested in me. We're mates. Well, I mean... Well, not mates. Definitely not mates. I wouldn't send him a... Is this like when you think you stripped my leg to you?

Well, no. To be honest with you, because there's really weird bits where like... This is so fucking narcissistic, which I'm really trying to fucking work on. But he fucking... He won't watch my stand-up?

Because he doesn't want to he wants to because he wants to know the fucking real me the whole thing it's like because when I spoke to him I was like

look I'm on this fucking big tour I've lost my sense of self like I've had to be like Daniel Sloss for 18 months here and I just I'm losing my mind a bit he was like

okay I mean my friends are part of you but I've never watched your stuff and because I don't want to influence anything and I'm like yeah yeah great

but like but I'm really good yeah, yeah, great. But like, but I'm really good though. So could you? Could you just watch? Can you imagine? Could you just, just watch one of my Conan, one of the Conan clips?

Here's an option. Could he have watched it and then thought, right, I've watched it. Like, I've made my judgments. I don't want him to feel judged based on his,

like, craft. Well, I mean, well, they don't. I mean, if your therapist makes you feel judged, get a new therapist. Yeah, but like, craft. Well, I mean, well, they don't. I mean, if your therapist makes you feel judged, get a new therapist. Yeah, but like, but that would, exactly, right? The minute he says, oh, I watched your stuff,

I really liked it, and then you're like, which bit in particular? And like, all of a sudden he's got to review you. Is he just taking himself out the firing line of having to become a reviewer? No, because I don't think, well, I mean, I genuinely don't know. He just made his own judgments behind closed doors.

I mean, I can only tell you my impression of him. My impression of him is that he's a professional and also he does know I'm funny because there's times during therapy when I make him laugh and fuck me what I feel it. Colin was saying that he gets annoyed at his therapist if he doesn't laugh at his jokes.

I mean, that sounds like Colin. Yeah. Yeah, he was saying, I would get fucking pissed off like I crack a joke and I think it's funny and it lands on deaf ears and I'm like

oh I hope to know that was a joke although I think I'm going to get the wrong prognosis and not just part of my psyche yeah he started making a note he wants to kill his grandad no it's a joke

you know how you know how when you're a comedian and obviously making an audience laugh is fucking excellent but a better laugh is when you make the comedians at making an audience laugh is fucking excellent but a better laugh is when you make the comedians at the back of the room laugh right

but there's kind of like that that sort of thing like that certain laughs mean more see when you can make a therapist laugh oh that's a fucking that's a big one

I when they because my one he's man he's just such a fucking sweetheart of course he has to be but he laughs at some of my jokes and he gets so excited

because like clearly he's got other clients that don't swear and I swear like a fucking motherfucker as you're well aware but like he's not used to it

so occasionally he'll be like when he's quoting it feels like the only time he's comfortable swearing is when he's quoting me he's like so it's like as you he's Dutch

he's like so when you say you're so fucking angry and he gets so excited that he gets to say fuck that I get excited as well yeah he's getting

to swear at work yeah yeah he's just saying they've been like you know you describe some of your you know this guy you're talking about

he's like a and he looks around his empty office fucking cunt as if some like audit has got to come in like come on but also because it's

it's because he can't put that line but he's got to make it obvious that he's quoting me you know like Ofcom and Ofstead does the schools you think there's like but he's got to make it obvious that he's quoting me you know like off common off what off stead does the

schools you think there's like off what's the what off mental off mental

off mental I'm going to come in I would not could be off off normal no that's a bad way of

putting it that's off do you have mental health issues are you normal that's a real good way of

dealing with it isn't it just really just really make it work. Mental health. Normal or other? Always a normal. So there's just nothing going on in his life. Okay.

Do you have anxiety? Do you have depression? Okay, abnormal. I'm just going to categorise you as abnormal right now. So do you have depression do you have anxiety or are you like a fully functional human being

that I'd respect which one is that oh that one that one your problem's also everyone else's problem right now so yes

and he's been like fucking blowing up your phone just going fuck I hope his feet aren't six inches off the floor behind the bathroom door aye well he messaged me he messaged me

being like right went to work see you and I was like because sometimes I go into sessions with him and it'll be ten minutes

and he's like we don't need to we'll stop this because you're fine at the moment there's nothing you want to talk about

there's nothing on your mind so let's not waste your money or our time unless there's something to talk about

so on a good day you're just going right here's your homework he'll call it or I'll call it sometimes your money or our time unless there's something to talk about. So on a good day, you'll just go and write your homework. He'll call it or I'll call it. Sometimes we'll have one book ten and I'll just be having a fucking great day and I'll go, man

I've had a really good fucking week. I'm in a good place at the moment. Anything that would have annoyed me last week, I managed to get past. So nothing's weighing on my mind. And then he'll occasionally message again. It's normally once every two weeks. So on he'll occasionally message again, be like, when do you, it's just normally once every two weeks unless. So on them good days,

does he not want to just like, kind of let you just thrash out being in a good mood and explore being in a good mood? He does sometimes, but if it's two sessions in a row, he's like, you know,

because, because, you know. Because that would be good, identifying like, what is it? Like, you're feeling good now.

What are you thinking? Are there things that are buoying you right now? What are the things, like, why do you think? And you're like, I've had plenty of sleep

and like, I've been on a regular routine and then yeah and then you can go right you now like now you can identify that that's what keeps you propped up right now uh it's really just uh it's really drinking plenty of water all right i've had a banana it's basically just they get they get you to explain to them how you could be doing better and you're like i know i do know and i also also, I know, I know. It's so annoying if I end up doing their job for them, for going into therapy.

That's essential, isn't it? They're doing their job well if you can do their job for them. If you can go in and identify within yourself what the problem is,

Aye, and how to. then they've nailed the job which is weird because you did it but they made you do it. But that's what therapy, therapy isn't, which is weird because you did it but they made you do it oh but that's what that's what therapy therapy isn't therapy is not giving you tools that you

don't have before it's not it's therapy doesn't give you anything that you didn't have before it just teaches how to use what you have and makes you teaches you to appreciate what you have and and how to sometimes like for me and this might not be a revelation for other people but it's been a big one for me this year I did not know that like all the voices in my head were all correct all the time I thought that was me, I thought when I was angry it wasn't that I was experiencing anger

I was angry, Daniel Sloss was angry he was inhabiting fucking angry whereas now through therapy I'm like oh, in those moments I'm experiencing anger so you used to always be on the angry horse and riding it

wherever it wanted to go and now you're still there watching the angry horse bolting and you're like right we need to rein that horse in or I'll just watch

I used to just ride that wherever it went when it was angry I just sort of watch where it goes I'm like what's made you angry you know you ran over there

and don't get me wrong sometimes I also get on the fucking horse right sometimes I ride that horse like a motherfucker and then halfway through riding that I go

oh I shouldn't be riding this horse should I and then I have to awkwardly get off the horse pat it on the bum and then walk back to normality like well

this is a long walk I heard a lot of people on the way and you're stepping over the body of loved ones on the way back to your ranch. That's called the journey of self-reflection, where you're like,

ah, yes, I'm just going through the crater I made. What does startle that horse? What does make it angry? A cat in the garden? I know that works with dogs. Why are only dogs annoyed at cats? No, that's not. You know how when there's a cat in the garden i know that works with dogs why are only dogs anointed cats no that's not like you know when there's a cat in the dog i'll be like wow cat in the garden running up and down

on the couch off the couch on the couch because that fucking does whatever whatever it's trying to achieve up and down the stairs as a fucking cat why just dogs i think either i mean look you think if you put a cat in a field with a horse the horse would be like dog well i have you not seen fucking dogs playing with cows and shit i mean the internet is literally You think if you put a cat in a field with a horse The horse would be like Dog! Nay, nay Nay Well aye Have you not seen fucking dogs playing with cows and shit? I mean the internet is like You're describing the internet

In YouTube videos You're like I wonder if there's any videos of dogs playing with horses What is this YouTube you speak of? There are lots of videos Peggy is listening to this and screaming Because she has 19 videos She's in everything scared of cats

Like not scared But like angered by cats Cat anger Cat anger dogs That's what I'm getting at They don't anger dogs 19 videos Satan everything scared of cats like not scared but like angered by cats cats anger cats anger dogs that's what I'm getting at they don't anger dogs dogs get angry at cats some dogs get angry at cats

no no no no some dogs don't get angry at cats I don't I don't think they do get well it depends how shitly trained your dog is if your dog gets angry at things that aren't you

you're a shit dog over there right okay if you're listening to this podcast and you've got a dog in your house, headphones off, speakers on, turn it up. Is that a cat? I think I've just seen a cat. Wait, now, at home, for these people, dogs got tits.

I don't think it is. Dogs got tits. I really don't think it is. Sorry. Go for a walk? Walkies? Walkies! Dogs get triggered by cats.

They do get... I'll accept that. I'll accept that as a statement. But the dogs hate cats and are angered by cats, I don't buy into this narrative. I think you have watched one Disney cartoon where a dog and a cat didn't get on. You watched Tom and Jerry

and you were like, fucking dogs hate cats. That's all the information I need on cats and dogs relationships for the rest of my fucking watched Tom and Jerry and you were like, fucking dogs hate cats. That's all the information I need on cats and dogs relationships for the rest of my fucking life. Can I just say, right, that... Most dogs love cats. That is acting like

I've had a very individual experience that led me to believe the relationship between cats and dogs were as such. It's one of the first things you ever learn that cats and dogs are chalk and cheese.

Like, first thing to ever learn right xylophone obviously cat and dogs and x-ray and x-ray

xylophone and x-ray how to play the recorder Mary had a little lamb and then if you want to go just a little bit off base you can do Titanic what was it

recorder I didn't reach that fucking classification oh man I don't reach that fucking classification oh man I don't know why I'm pretending I don't know

keep going kicking on the bridge so yeah it's one of the first things I ever learned you learn that the I was thinking about

this the other day the Guinness Book of World Records. Remember how much fucking, how good that was in primary school? Oh, that was a hit. The Guinness Book of World Records. If you had that, if you had the 1999 Guinness, I mean, probably a different year for you, but for me, if you had the Guinness 99 Book of World Records,

fucking, that's like two gold charters out. For me, the Guinness Book of Records, when I first started getting them, was just a little pamphlet. There was only seven records. I'm that old. World's tallest man, world's smallest man. The Guinness pamphlet of records.

In fact, Guinness hadn't even sponsored it yet. It was Heineken. What were the original records that there was? There was seven. Tallest man, smallest man.

Pamphlet with the most amount of records in. Oh. Which was the Heineken thing. original records than the original seven tallest man smallest man Pamfoot were the most amount of records in which was the Hynick patting themselves on the own back that's fair enough and also just like

giving themselves a little bit more column inches what other do you know Linford Christie's held his British record still to this day

remind me of who that is Linford Christie's the Olympic British record still to this day? Remind me of who that is. Linford Christie's the Olympic sprinter who done like 100, 200 metres in the relay for Britain. When? Linford Christie, like 90s. Oh, I don't remember. I don't know, you're so young you don't remember Linford Christie, even though you turned 30. Is that how... First of all, I've not turned 30, so that's a vicious lie.

So like, pre-Usain Bolt, Linfa Christie was our boy. Was he? I do recognise the name. And I think there was, like, one or two Americans that were beating him on the world record. Is he British? He's British. Nice.

But he was getting British records and he was getting gold medals for Britain. And I think, like, oh, he had having such a lack of knowledge when you think you've got the knowledge. Because I started talking so I've read it somewhere he's still holding down his records is he?

in sprinting for Britain oh for Britain but you've seen both you've seen both smashed them like all these Jamaican guys Caribbean guys and they're smashing them

and Americans is that still but nobody through the British athletics has come through do you reckon that's just because we're all lazy cunts though? maybe

plus their screen van started slowing down, so we didn't have to chase after that as kids. I'm sorry. Are you suggesting there was a time... When the ice cream van would just be trying to get his shift out of the way, it would be like, Nah!

Mr Eddie, slow down, Mr Eddie! I don't want to have to wait for Luigi's, he's got shit ice cream. Mr Eddie, right, had the ice cream that you turn from the whip, he pulls the handle aye whips it aye and then if you missed that Luigi

God rest his soul he died Mario's brother different Luigi different Luigi different school what colour was his what colour was his uniform

he had a blue he had a blue van alright a blue van alright so Mr Eddie had the pink van all the belt and stuff, but like 5.15-ish.

He was going to die. 5.15-ish. And what price are we talking for a 99 by then? What's a 99? Is it 99? Oh, you're never paying more than a quid. All right. But is it a 99 by then?

Aye. So 99 with a flake in it would be about 70p. Right. But it wasn't called a 99 by then. Without a flake in it, probably looking like 55p. Oh, okay. A little bit of monkey's blood on the top.

Uh-huh. The raspberry ripple. Monkey's blood? Aye. Do you know what monkey's blood is? No, I call it fucking strawberry fucking syrup. Have an imagination. But why would I want any blood on my fucking ice cream?

Just bleed a monkey on the ice cream. What do you call it? What is it? Monkey shit for fucking chocolate, so I said, you psychopath? Well, if you want to say that. Right, what do you call meal is it monkey shit from fucking chocolate so I said you psychopath well if you wanted to say that

what do you call mail when you put it on monkey spunk who puts mail on an ice cream it took you a while it took you a real long while is that monkey spunk

you've got on the ice cream no that's just what I called it it's he would come Off of the fucking goods Aye And then

Luigi's would come after And he'd The cunt I mean God rest his soul Nice guy Doesn't sound like it Lovely guy

Pulled out the fucking Like Lidl's Tobacco ice cream And a scoop And just loads You know I'd just do it in the freezer Aye

And just like Scooped a couple of things and it was like rock hard and it had like ice crystals in it aye like how about it man have a bit of

quality standards like but you are aware that he was just probably just a drug dealer right oh no he was

still with cigarettes like your ma would go and like go and get yourself an ice cream and get us a couple of singles I don't think it was meant to

we'd go two line button butler please Luigi you're like seven aye well. I don't think it was meant to be. We're going, I play as Luigi, you're like seven. Well, I mean, don't get me wrong, anyone that is, while handing a seven-year-old an ice cream,

asking the words, do you want monkey blood on it? I've already made my assumption about the area that this is taking place in. Aye. But anyway, they used to move real fast.

So the athletics team now didn't have to chase their screen virus fast. move real fast so like the athletics team now don't have to chase the ice cream virus fast but obviously they eat less ice cream

so less sugar on their diet I think I've lost the analogy it's fair enough I think that's absolutely fine you're allowed to

you're allowed to just eat itself just when the analogy is so bad at the start it eats its own tail by natural causes. No I'm just trying to

get better now. Sometimes I've realised, sometimes I'm just talking because I want to be talking and I want to do that like it's like it's, I suddenly realised I was up with my family and you've met my auntie Kim who I love

dearly right but she talks constantly all of the time she doesn't shut the fuck up I'm sometimes looking and does she not

need a drink can I get her a drink because that looks like it's crazy my auntie Kim will ask you

to tell a story that you told her like three years ago and then when you start telling the story she will interrupt every 30 seconds I've got this

because you're telling it not the way that she remembers it and then she'll come in you the professional storyteller the one that she remembers it and then she'll come in you the professional the professional storyteller

the one that told the story originally yeah so but that's my dad's side of the family like fucking is that why your dad's

so quiet because like 100% it just wasn't worth the effort for him to my dad right whenever my dad is me and my brothers

knew when we'd really pissed off my dad right when my dad when we really knew my dad he would accidentally call us Kim right when we'd really pissed off my dad when we really annoyed my dad he would accidentally call us Kim

when we were annoying him so much he'd be like for fuck's sake Kim and we'd be like uh oh we've made him redress to 9 years old

we've pissed him off a lot I made him so angry I sent him back 40 years to when she pissed on his computer or whatever have you ever been

tempted to give your auntie Kim a line of gear? No. She's the generation where, like, they just definitely wouldn't. No, no, I... But no, absolutely, it would be... That would be fucking hilarious. I don't think...

You and I have different definitions of the word hilarious. Oh, mate. It would be like, have you ever... Do you know what a chicken chaser is? From a fable? is? From From Fable No pre-Fable I've heard a lot about you Staber

Chicken chaser What kind of name is that then? I kept saying it When I was playing Ghost of Tsushima Have you seen Their fucking Fables coming out

There's a new fable Coming out for the fucking Xbox Exclusive to Xbox Alright Oh so buy both Nah but It's just like It's just fucking, but it's just like...

It's just fucking capitalism, man. Aye, it's capitalism. Just let us choose. We console. It doesn't make us have both. Capitalism, baby. I was playing Ghost of Tsushima, a completely different game,

and every time I walked into a village, I just started walking around. I was just like, hello, chicken chaser. Which is, by the way which is by the way having been to Japan it's a very good and accurate Japanese accent

you've just done there I've heard a lot about you chicken chaser you know the Japanese accent when I'm playing when I'm playing Ghost of Tsushima

every time I pick up supplies I keep saying surprise no but in a Japanese accent. Everyone does that, right? No.

Everyone that plays. Everyone that plays. Because you hear it goes, supplies. Because you're not doing anything wrong as you're saying supplies. You're not. All you're saying is supplies. Aye, but that's a... And everything else is in pride.

Aye. See, now you know it's wrong now you're aware now you've now you've dug further into the hole you'll be like

oh no this is a hole yes sorry aye we're sorry we're sorry that's a good question for you

what do you think we've not spoken about this oh man Sarah Pascoe's going to call us racist again and quote it verbatim.

Well, I mean, fated up for doing those things on the podcast. Oh, man. You know what annoyed us the most about her calling me racist in her book? One, being called racist. But two, half the things, this podcast, right,

is my safe haven, right? Half the things I say on these podcasts aren't even my real opinions. The first of an opinion not my opinion just an opinion that could exist that we're going to just like put in throw up there so that we can throw a dissent towards it and make discussions different big quotas word for word putting in the book and selling it for 10.99 all right but you did you did you have to take you had to accept I agree with you but you had to accept some level of responsibility

the fact that you didn't choose to tell that story on the podcast which I told you exactly oh no no I don't I kind of understand what you're saying

with the story right like so I don't know if we've talked about this in the podcast yet right so me and Elliot and Jamali Maddox

were sat on this very bed and we told a story about where Elliot got propositioned by a prostitute at a cash point. Sex worker. Sex worker, yes. Right, so we can already tell what the problems are in a particle case. There is problems. There is conversation, even though Frank's... There is problems. Yes, there is. It's problematic, right? It is.

So this beautiful black girl approaches Elliot and he said, I thought she was just interested in me, right? I didn't realise she was a sex worker at first, and then I should have realised she was a sex worker because attractive girls just don't come up and start chatting to me. And then I said, what did she say to you? Was it sucky, sucky $5, right? Which I'll explain why i thought

that was funny in the like knee-jerk reaction in the moment right uh i thought that was funny because i put a cliche thai uh approach of uh sex worker proposition in here right which is funny because that makes it 100 clear that it's a sex worker hitting on you. And Elliot says he didn't realise, he thought she was just chatting him up. And if a chat-up line was sucky, sucky $5 and he didn't put two and two together and he thought it was just a girl

that was really interested in him based on a basic experience of him going to the cash point. That is quite a funny thing. The other thing is, and maybe there is but i think um the the the chances of there being a black spanish woman with a thai accent in spain you're dissecting a frog would be really yeah i know right and i've been forced to dissect this frog because i was saying there was like a couple of layers of why that was a funny thing to say as a reaction not as a written joke i didn't write this down i didn't plan to say it i reacted

with it and i was like there's a couple of layers why that's you that's got humor and sarah's a comedian and i'm sure like she might have like seen them layers if she looked for it even if that joke wasn't for her she can agree that it's a joke on two levels. It is a joke on two levels. She fucking quoted it verbatim and just went, you must have only said this to be racist. And I'm like, that's not, I didn't say it to hurt anyone's feelings. No, but you have to, but it is also, it's the word, it's racist in the fact that it was,

it's stereotypical punch and it's the stereotype, even though those layers there, those layers are the layers that you know about she doesn't know that right people don't necessarily know your character right

they don't like exactly the podcast for people who know my character the podcast this is my safe place don't take

when I'm like there going fucking like free speech and all that like obviously I agree that you're free to say stuff but you're also

free to repercussions and consequences. I'm just saying, just divvyn mech, that's the consequences. It's something I say on my podcast. Come on. Otherwise, I'm going to be really fucking careful in watching what I'm saying, and that just defeats the whole fucking point in this area.

The very fact that you were like, I'll just have to be more careful as to if that's a bad thing. I just, I don't know why... No, I didn't... One, why the fuck is she coming after to if that's a bad thing. I just... I don't know why... No, I... I didn't... Why the fuck is she coming after me? There's so many people.

She's punching down. I don't think she's coming after you. She's punching down. The fucking... I'm sure if you got... Frankie Boyle fucking give her an appraisal for the book and fucking for certain...

Like, you got a quote. I bet you if she went and quoted verbatim something Frankie Boyle said, it would make him look bad but you wouldn't do that because you can help her sell books if i could give her a fucking quote that helped her sell books she wouldn't have touched us no i just i thought she was a mate like i'd know that would hung out or text each other but every time i see her she's really

pleasant i've never been anything but nice to her she's lovely she's a fucking class all right she's a class girl I think you're taking it too far why should she called us racist in her book mate I've been

really fucking active in not just I've been active in anti-racism in my life recently though

huh more you'll admit that your anti-racism is coming mainly this year yes the more I'm learning the more I'm fucking educating myself on the state of racism so are you willing more like you'll admit that your anti-racism is coming mainly this year yes yes and I mean

the more I'm learning the more I'm fucking educating myself on the state of racism so are you willing to admit there what you did say was racist then

even though it was intended as a joke the intention was always a joke but with the low hanging fruit of what it was it was a stereotypical

here is here's the accent here's what they say I didn't even do the accent I'll give you that I said $75 did you say $75 I didn't I'm the accent I'll give you that I said sucky sucky five dollars right did she say sucky sucky five

I didn't I'm not sad I didn't have to get in the fucking eyes mate I'm not attacking you either I'm just anyway and then she and then she said it was like

she liked it like Austin Powers right like dated a dated reference but Austin Powers was actually very knowing and it was very self-aware in the way like it was

and I'm like you know what I think you've missed the point of Austin Powers' humour if you had to put us doing with that maybe I think she did miss

I don't know I just think like fucking hell you've got to be struggling to write a book if you're fucking filling pages with that like

like you've got to be you've got like if I'm writing a book it would have to be fucking 10,000 pages long before I even considered listening to Sarah Pascoe's podcast to fucking slag her off.

Wait till you read my book. No, I wouldn't do that. I just think it was out of order. I think you're absolutely entitled to that opinion in this. You know what? If this was something that she just put on her podcast, right if she put it on her podcast

and said it, I'd be like, you know what I said something on my podcast you didn't like you mentioned on your podcast you didn't like, that's what I'm thinking but you know what it is, see this what I listen to now with my opinion I'm not fucking packaging it and marketing it and selling this opinion to people, I'm not selling my opinion of Sarah Pascoe's

like, attitude. It's on the podcast, but you don't really plug. Aye. I think she's fucking, I think she's swinging a miss. Natalie was fucking furious. Natalie was like, I just fucking took this, just like you know what, whatever. Like, it didn't really fucking affect me life any.

It's not like I got a fucking ton of tweets. It's not like we've got a spike in podcast listens on that particular episode that you're done, but fucking that. You're always just protective. Someone can't be racist. She knows it's better. She's like, fucking...

And she knows just how racist you are. I'm her own grown wife. Oh, yes. No, no, but you can still... You can adopt black children you yourself can still be a racist and

like isn't it as well being anti-racist isn't being free of racism it's identifying racism within yourself your own biases and whatnot like you know what

like have a word with us I think I think you it's it sounds like a fucking thing because obviously

you've had a big year where you're being very very active and you're learning a lot and you're doing a lot of fucking self-improvement and it came out

and then she called you out on this thing and it sucks because it's not how you identify with anymore because you wouldn't now you wouldn't do it and it's sort of

because it's forcing you to go back to two years ago and it's a bit uncomfortable hearing things I sometimes go back to things I've said in the past and go

oh she could find much worse stuff from us thank you if that's the thing she found she didn't dig very deeply because it's a bit uncomfortable hearing things I sometimes go back to things I've said in the past and go oh she could find much worse stuff from us if that's the thing she found she didn't dig very deep like because there's fucking real weird stuff that I've said

again I don't think she was trying to bury her I think she was trying to prove a point of this is how this is how men casually talk about sex work

and it's quite dismissive and that is an accurate example of that point I just think there's probably more influential people than Kai Humphries that she could have probably took a point. I just think there's probably more influential people than Kai Humphries that you could have probably took a little swipe at.

There's probably people that have got a lot more reach and are doing a lot more damage with their words. You've got people's attention. Say, all right, you've got the reading your book, man. They've bought your book. They've invested in you. There's fucking so many places you can point their eyes. There's so many places you can point their thoughts and's so many places you can point their thoughts

and their mind fucking bring it bring it doing me go away man go away I've got kindness in me heart I know but you

you just I get it I don't like being called I don't like being called out of behaviour either it's an uncomfortable thing but you're just on platforms

you know I absolutely I absolutely take your point right and I think you're either it's an uncomfortable thing but you're just on platforms you know I absolutely take your point right and I think you're well entitled to feel a bit fucking jolted by it

I'm not going to be mad I'm not going to let me sell I'm not going to she's now my nemesis Natalie might need talking off the ledge she's not my nemesis

I still like her I still like what she's got to say and what she's got to do I just fucking got caught in the crossfire with something that really didn't involve us that. Fair enough.

Anyway. We played D&D all day today. Fucking class, wasn't it? For like fucking three solid hours. We've been playing it on Zoom. Aye, during quarantine, because obviously we... Like me and Elliot have been in opposite ends of London

Tom's been up in Yorkshire no no Tom and Elliot are on opposite ends that's the name of their thing go and watch their YouTube channel opposite ends you've been in Scotland I've been in Scotland so I've been DMing I ran through of term of annihilation

and I've had a fucking great week because on Tuesday my other fucking campaign, they got to meet together for the first time for a bit. And then just by sheer coincidence, because we're now, we got to do Norwich last night, which we'll talk about in a second. Then we got day off in London today. So we got to do a face-to-face fucking D&D session.

For the people in London who are listening, I just want to plug the venue that we went to because we're going to just be doing D&D from my house. Natalie ended up working from home. And I just started looking online for good cafes and bars where you can play D&D. And there was a place called Rule Zero. And it's in E3, which I guess is like the West Ham Stadium.

That's what you could see across the canal. Was it? City of London Stadium. I'll tell you where I fit. Yeah. Anyway, you've got Google it's called rule zero and it's just about a like board game cafe you can go play tabletop games you had magic the gathering just whatever i think you can rent stuff there as well they put games to rent uh good burgers nice beers and four grown men got to sit in the middle of this and play dnd

surrounded by uh lovely strangers who were doing quiet work with headphones on. People who were working from home were using that for their work from home. Aye. That spot. And they got to listen to us very loudly and cheering while playing Dungeons and Dragons. And they were all really cheering. There were some fucking excellent roles. Aye. Like

football level celebrations. Gold going in celebrations. I thought you were jailing me. They say football level importance. Goal going in celebrations. I thought you were generally going to say football level importance. Like real World Cup moment shit. It's probably the greatest achievement to date. We got to gig in Norwich last night. We got to do a real gig. An actual gig.

Populated. It was in a tent. In a circus tent. But like a good music festival tent. Like a decent. It wasn't like a. It was good. It was very a tent, in a circus tent. But like a good music festival tent. Like a decent, it wasn't like a, it was good. It was very well set up. Yeah, because sometimes in the music festival tents, because it's also going to get used for music later,

they end up putting one of them crash barriers at the front, which is like two metres away from the stage, just so like when Newton Falcon is on later, they can out like, they can out like, and that's where they, like if people are drunk or thrown up they pull them over it's like a moat

isn't it and normally you're shouting over that moat to people who are sat cross-legged on the grass and that's the

festival tent this was like a festival tent but pockets and bubbles of twos and threes and fours

equally distanced 237 people sold out and it felt like near electric atmosphere because it was everyone's first

time back at live comedy I got to make fun of a man with Parkinson's yeah he was great wasn't he he was because you'd done a joke about can you tell

it's a visual joke no no I did a joke a very funny visual joke very very cheap joke but the whole point of it was about Parkinson's and those men in the audience No, no, no. I did a joke, a very cheap... Very funny, visual joke. Very, very cheap joke.

But the whole point of it was about Parkinson's. And there was a man in the audience who had Parkinson's. And he wanted more? He wanted more. Tell him all Parkinson's jokes. And I was like, well, I don't... You're like, this is speaking to me. Which is really good, because when you've got people like that, I remember it also happened when we were touring Dark,

and we were in Dusseldorf for the first time and we were in that fucking big 500 seater venue and there was only about 60 people in. Remember that fucking venue? Yeah.

And in the, Yeah, Dusseldorf. Aye, and it was fucking badly, it was badly lit and we could see everyone in the audience. I was,

I was one of the things where I was like, this is fucking shite, we're never coming back here. And in the front row was, front row was a woman with proper cerebral palsy

like the second I saw her I'm like that's that is CP I know CP 10 out of 10 aye that is not as bad as Josie's was but like I know

what it does to the body and I had that fucking thing where I was like if this was a big room I'd comfortably but I don't want to make you self conscious

don't want to make you fucking self conscious yeah even if you'd love to hear these jokes even if you need to hear these jokes you don't want the other 60 eyes on you all right if people look to see they always fucking check and i had that thing in my head but i mean the rule is always if you've got jokes about people you have to be able to tell it should give you a stand ovation that was a miracle um but no she fucking loved it and it was that thing everywhere in the audience the second I started

talking about CP you could see and then Kai said the girl with cerebral palsy gave him a standing ovation this could only mean that he is ableist fucking come on man

because you know it's the thing right I remember when you were saying I remember earlier in the podcast when you said it didn't affect you that much

oh it's because I've got someone ranty I've just been dealing with this in my own head um you know like i sometimes say stuff that i don't mean right in fact most of the stuff i don't mean i'm just flexing muscles all right right i remember when um i said about uh this is just i'm taking you back like og podcast when you says i'm not I'm not eating eggs, they're just chicken periods. I was like,

I'll eat real periods if it tastes like eggs. Right. Bad example, because I would do that. Bad example. I wouldn't really eat it. Aye. You just say stuff.

But then he said he would eat a period if it tasted like egg. Like, no, that's not what I... Oh. Oh. I'm not angry, I'm just in a huff. I'm not angry, I'm just as a boy. I'm just huffy.

I'm just a bit huffy about it, Daniel. And I... Fair enough, you're absolutely allowed to be. Do you want me to get you three little pigs? Fucking me, Phil. Fucking Sarah, fucking me, Phil. He's got all mean things about me. My wife's going to kick you to fuck.

She's going to give you a fucking Glasgow kiss. Oh, no, she's fucking... And he threatened me over the pot. She's not going to hurt she's not gonna hurt you how about you be the air quotes bigger person and

because she didn't she took your joke seriously allegedly as you think so why don't you take her serious thing as a joke it's a bit of banner

she said the words fuck him there you go banner it's like a throw away Natalie says when she gets a bit more time when she finishes work

she's going to go and throw all of her body of work and just take as much stuff out of context as she possibly can to make a compilation that sounds healthy I don't think she's actually

going to do it I don't but she's going to it's plausible and also if that if that ended up in a rebuttal where she went through

my body of work get stuff out of context I am fucked I don't want to I don't want to that's a good I don't want to I don't want to that's a game if we're going to compare Sarah

Pascoe's back catalogue with your back catalogue Sarah Pascoe wins that a hundred times hold on let me get Dr. Strange there and

ask him to check all 14 million universes how many universes is there where the back catalogue of Kai and Sarah is checked how many

does Kai come across better none of them none of them none of them so there was one universe where they could beat Thanos in 14 million

but there's no universe where Kai comes across thanks man thanks cheers aye aye

I kind of come away with this looking good she is right cheers she's like but you know it is

it's like she's beat us I'm done aye you won that fight but I didn't even know it was a fight but aye fight someone on your own level of XP,

like we've just been playing day and day. You're a fucking 11, you're an 11-11 ice giant. I'm just an 11-3 hermit. But maybe she's... What are you coming after me for? But maybe she's... You've got so much ammunition on me

and I'm such a... But maybe she sees you. Maybe it's like, you know, she sees you as the level one. Jealous of my happiness. You're a big boy. She thinks it's bovine plasticity. And really it's just you know she sees you as the other one jealous of my happiness you're a big boy she thinks it's

bovine plasticity and really it's just a lack of contempt for my fellow human well isn't that I mean I do want to

get your brain studied I've said this several times I would just like to know whether it is like a like if it's just a just a choice that you can just

fucking be that happy which is what all meditation and all therapy say like the power is to just be happy it's truly within yourself but with you

it does it's so much that it does it could be a tumour like it could just be like pushing down on one bit and you're just like a

it's like a quarter of the a quarter pill your entire life but I feel like a lot of a lot of feeling down is that, because happiness isn't a choice, obviously. You have to become happy, right?

But a lot of your happiness can be dictated by your self-confidence. And if your self-confidence and your self-esteem is low, then your happiness can be adversely affected by it. But even though happiness isn't a choice, confidence is. Confidence is a complete choice. And I know every single one of my insecurities. And I act like I don't have them

and just be confident anyway. I think if... I agree with you in the sense you can choose to be confident, but I also think you can choose to be happy. Like, it is... I mean, I, if I do go wrong, I find it difficult sometimes.

But it is always possible. Because there's some things that you can't really control as much. You're not in complete control of your finances. A lot of choices you make lead towards your financial health. But sometimes you can just get fucked over and you could not get a piece of the pie in capitalism. And there's not much you can do with that. You can't just fake it till you make it with rich.

So you can't affect that. So that will affect the financial side. It will affect your right so like you can't affect that so that like that will infect the financial side will affect your happiness but you haven't got as much autonomy over it but with self-esteem affecting your happiness you've got quite a bit of autonomy over your self-esteem no and that's yeah you've got a lot of autonomy over your own mental like things aren't things can be incredibly fucking tough but in those tough moments you can also i do have like this uh like kind of little voice of self-doubt that like pipes up through the day like i'm much louder

than it like i can i can just fucking put my fingers in my ears and la la la la la la through the voice of self-doubt actually i remember i told you this yesterday but my problem was student like mid-fucking quarantine was the fact that for the past 10 years, my inner monologue, everything it told me, I believed that it was right. So, you know, doing all these case games, my brain's like, you're fucking great, you're the tits, you're so good at fucking stand-up.

And I was like, well, this is all true. All the minor monologue is 100% accurate, so therefore my inner monologue is correct. 10 years of everything my brain said coming true. And then it starts feeding yourself doubt. After positively reinforcing you to say, that is the me. The me is the person that receives that voice. That voice is, yeah.

In response to that voice, I am that voice. So when that voice starts giving yourself doubt, you've got no control over it. Yeah, because it's gospel it's my own brain telling me the self doubt now you're the receiver of the voices

you're the you're the like yeah like whatever the voice is saying like you've got this you don't got this yeah you're the

you're the watcher you're the I mean we're getting into deep deep meditation shit here hit us with it no but there is

like it's what I've learned from my and to I mean i know i really don't want to become a fucking mental health comedian um but here we are uh everyone if you have the chance to sign up to sam harris's uh waking up uh application it's it's 10 minutes of meditation every day it is either a hundred dollars a year or get this free it's absolutely fucking free i don't get any sponsorship

from this you can just send them an email going I can't afford this there's no questions asked they'll give you a free fucking subscription to it for a year

and if you can't afford to play next year you do and if you can't you ask for another free subscription they give you a free subscription because Sam Harris

very much believes that meditation and inner peace should be fucking free it shouldn't be a luxury it shouldn't be a luxury it shouldn't be something it should be affordable

to fucking everyone and this fucking app man it shouldn't be a luxury it shouldn't be something it should be affordable to fucking everyone and this fucking app man it's the I did the 28 day introductory course we just do 10 minutes a day and it's it's not like the

I really struggle with like the hippie spiritual shit where it's like imagine yourself walking through a garden and Gandhi's wanking off a pigeon in the corner

and that's a symbol for happiness in the ether or whatever this is because Sam Harris is a you know he's one of the four horsemen

of the fucking apocalypse he's an atheist well agnostic at least it's the it's the even though it's the spiritual side it's the more

it just explains it to you and he he doesn't explain anything he makes you find it out yourself it's like listen to these thoughts do you listen to it daily? it's 10 minutes

you can choose. Once I've done the 20-day course, you can do anything. They've got different types of meditation. You can do a daily one, it'd be 10, 20 minutes. There's a new daily one every single day that he puts out there. There's different types of meditation.

There's like the meta stuff that you can go through. There's a lot of stuff in it. All I did was, I just went, fuck it. I'm going to try the 28-day thing, see what happens. And it's, for me at least

has improved my it's improved my mental health tempo like it gives you the I mean that coupled with

fucking therapy and good friends and eating well and all that sort of shit it's just that having the tools so that when tough when times do get tough

and they do get tough there's no denying that but they get better suited to you know fucking weather you've got a better arsenal you've got a denying that but they get better suited to you know you've got a bit of arsenal you've got a bit of you've got a bit of

skill set you can recognise warning signs of where your thoughts are heading it's the fucking man it's you know you go to

the fucking gym every day meditation is the it's the gym for your brain aye right and that's and all that

and that's what therapy is as well and that's what even conversations like this being able to talk to your friends playing board games it good, social. This is all gym stuff for your fucking brain. You've got to do stuff. So like, hey, when you're happy, that's great.

Even though I don't always go to therapy those times, sometimes I still do. But I still meditate when I'm fucking happy because those are the best times. It's easier. You've got a clearer mind to reflect on things. So that when things do get dark or worrying or heavy you go right, I acknowledge that this is difficult

but I absolutely can't handle this because this is just an experience I haven't done too much of meditation but like I spend a lot of time in my own thoughts and figuring stuff out and going over situations

and kind of just just like having a little look around when i'm running and i hit the i hit the road and i like let i let larry larry do the running me subconscious can do the running and i'll just kind of like offer it my thoughts that's that's not it's not the same is it meditation is meditate well it depends what type but a lot of it is it's trying to get those moments where you're not thinking moments of quiet moments where there's like you know

your natural state is not to our natural state is not to be thinking we're just obsessed with fucking thinking because we're just so stimulated

all of the fucking times and we've you know been burdened or blessed with consciousness however you want to you need sensory input all the time

and actually like you just like if you leave your computer on for fucking that long Dogs have no internal monologue man there's no way

dogs are saying they've been like fucking god I hope Donald Trump doesn't get elected in November dogs just say fucking how good

are floors how good are rugs how's this pandemic going to affect the economy there's none of that none of that like they're just there every day

yeah that's why one of my things is if you watch if you watch too much news it can probably crush you because you're connecting yourself too much to the

macro happiness like the largest like you know on the emergence tower like you're connecting yourself too much to the country

and the world and the bigger body of people sorry just the reference point for you people there on the emergencegence Tower is a reference to Tim what? Tim Urban, waitbutwhy.com, the story of us.

It's very, very good. I highly recommend it. And it's like the Emergence Tower is like, there's an atom, that's a cell, that's an organ, that's a person, that's a community, that's a country, that's a continent. So it's just on the Emergence Tower. So if you start looking at yourself as the bigger picture of like the world you can start getting really fucking despairing

right so the less news you watch the more you become in that dog state if you don't know what's happening outside the window

there's a cat room so the less you know about what's going on in the world the happier you are but the less you know the stupider you are and the less informed and the less important you are in the stupider you are, and the less informed,

and the less important you are in the bigger picture, so you want to try and like either just let that like keep an eye on what's happening in the big world, but like don't forget about just looking after yourself, and you like I kind of sway between the two, like what happened when I thought it was super important to stay engaged when the Black Lives Matter movement was moving fast, because people's thoughts were changing, and I was like i am not going to disengage from this because i want to play a part in people's thoughts changing i want to have input i want to take in as much information as i can and then spew that information on the people that haven't received it and try and like make a difference on the bigger picture but because of that i was watching

news from every angle i wanted to see what the fucking Murdochs were presented as. So I'm watching Sky News just to see what the people who I'm arguing with are getting. And fuck me, it made us sad. I was really sad with the fact that I'd been on the streets in London during the Black Lives Matter march and I'd seen nobody litter. And somebody knocked a cone over and another person picked it back up. Everybody was fucking immaculately behaved. Nobody touched each other, even when you were in close quarters,

had masks on, people from the window were cheering and encouraging people as they walked by, and there was hours and reams and reams and reams of footage to capture, right? But what they did do is they waited until 10 o'clock at night when a couple of drunks

decided to throw a plastic bottle at the police and it scuffled and they got pushed back, right? That took 30 seconds to happen on one spot on a situation that had been happening all day. They right that took 30 seconds to happen on one spot on a situation that had been happening all day they fucking ran that 30 second clip

on repeat and went this is what's happening in London this is what's happening in London this is what's happening in London

so they're doing it in Portland just now as well in Portland America and I watched the Facebook feed of all my friends back home that weren't in London and I'm like

every one of them I was in London I was there I was at the thing you didn't see that you didn't do that so like I was just like fuck I'm gonna put this like I felt like there was a massive forest fire and I'm like every one of them. I was in London, I was there, I was at the Fink, you didn't see that, you didn't do that. So like, I was just like,

fuck, I'm going to put this, like I felt like there was a massive forest fire, and I ran up with a fucking watering can. And I felt like fucking despair. Now, had I not looked out the window, not switched on the telly, I would just be happy, just lying around the house,

just fucking making a nice dinner for me wife, and fucking before I finished work, I would have been playing on my PlayStation and what I did learn in the midst of all that is just like balance between the two like you can also you

can also watch and you can also stay informed with news that's not there to antagonise you right it's really hard to find and I'm going to be honest with

you I don't know what all the fucking best ones are but it's I don't watch any of the I mean obviously Fox News is just America but even stuff like the fucking best ones are but it's I don't watch any of the I mean obviously Fox News is just in

America but even stuff like the fucking any Daily Mail link that even if it's sensational I won't consume any of it I'll hide even people retweeting

Daily Mail headlines one thing because I don't want to know what the stupid people are thinking either. But that's what you're up against

though. It's like it's so easy to just do a little bit of googling and find out the actual facts. It's really easy because all you do is collect data. It's like, it's so easy to just do a little bit of Googling and find out the actual facts. It's really easy because all you do is collate data.

You're going, right, they're saying that, they're saying that, they're saying that, they're saying that. There seems to be like a middle ground. It's like you get, you got all these jigsaw pieces

and then like you go, right, well, that's the story in the center of it. All of them kind of agree on that happened, but that's a spin, that's a spin, that's a spin, and that's a spin. And you take the spins out of it

and you get the core data. Nobody's doing that. People are reading the fucking headline headline not even clicking on the article all right but i mean people aren't people just don't change their mind man and they'd like it's confirmation bias they've already decided what they want it to be and then they look for what they want it to be all right and then they're like i the reason i'll watch sky news and see what the fucking murdoch's are pumping out. And the one thing is though, I'll never click on a Sun article no matter what it says. Fuck them.

Even if it says Newcastle's best 11 if they get taken over by a multi-million pound consortium. Aye. Which, whatever, it's never going to say. It's never going to happen.

Are you listening, David Canham? Are you fucking listening? It's never going to fucking happen. Stop spamming the goddamn fucking group with fake memes are you fucking listening it's never gonna fucking happen stop spamming the goddamn fucking group with fake memes that you fucking made

with fake fucking headlines about a fucking takeover that's not gonna happen you dull thick man Jesus Christ sorry I won't even click on that sorry I love you David

you've lost a lot of weight and not that that makes you more attractive his dog had a name it was Harvey did his dog die yeah it was really sad

it was fucking man that dog had helped him through a lot aye aye that was like I'm fucking

like I don't have somebody else's business but like David has been through a fucking hell of a lot of shit he's like Iron Man right

like he just keeps moving forward you know that thing about Rocky taking off the Iron Man reference forget that right when Rocky says

it's not about how hard you hit it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward that's been David over the last fucking decade

right and he plows through everything and this little King Charles Spaniel has been through all of it with him and I'm not going to rhyme off all the stuff it is.

That's his personal stuff, right? But we will point out that his girlfriend picked his dog. Like, rest in peace, great dog, but like... Your girlfriend, your girlfriend, your girlfriend picked your dog. Picked your dog. Your girlfriend picked your dog. Loicked your dog. Your girlfriend picked your dog. Loved him.

He loved it back. And it was his rock. And it took him through everything. And then when I passed away, he was like, but that's who gets us through things. How can this dog get us through things? You got it. When losing the dog is the thing I need to get through.

And a fucking man, like, my gut punched him, man. Like, he fucking sucked. I mean, that's what, I mean, losing the dog is the thing I need to get through and a fucking man like prop I got punched in man like it fucking sucked I mean that's what I mean pets dying is always shite

but that's why you make sure you've got to time it with kids right they've got to experience they've got to experience the death of an animal so they don't get too attached to their nan

aye exactly or me or their mother aye right people go missing all the time

yeah the I've lost my what were we talking about you were talking about or me or their mother right people go missing all the time yeah the I've lost my what were we talking about you were talking about Kyle losing a lot of weight and I just made I made a joke

that's going to end up in some famous comedian's book Sarah Milligan's going and he said he lost his Sarah we're friends Catherine Ryan

will be like and then Kai Catherine why are you doing this to me there's other people I mean dig up whatever Russell Brand's up to

I'm not the problem anyway I was making a point but it's completely going in my head I'm also very stoned as always quite stoned not very I'm also very stoned as always quite stoned

but not very I'm comfortably and happily I like to think I'm still being coherent I just also my memory is shite when I'm sober

don't get me wrong it's because of the weight but when I'm sober I'm also speaking of I'm going to do a plug for a business on here because they sponsored me

on my Twitch stream and this is they didn't sponsor the podcast but I'm proud of them so I'm going to plug them on here if that's alright sorry't sponsor the podcast but I'm proud of them so I'm going to plug them on here if that's alright

sorry sorry Lakeland CBD but I'm not allowed not until I see not until I see a fucking penny I am sorry Lakeland CBD

but we are not allowed to plug your wonderful product until I see a fucking penny not a chance not a knockoff yeah they're just

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and it's the side of the weed that deals with your shit and she's very specific with it you can get in touch with her

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options everywhere come across CBD absolutely fucking has she told you that this story's okay today or are you just airing everyone's dirty laundry today

everyone's dirty laundry this is my podcast David's sad this is hard this is not my podcast it is and she she fucking

come up with the answer she found the answer NCBD right and then she was like I just want everybody else to know that there's an answer

out there and you didn't have to live with it and it's been it's been like it's just been seen as criminal

because it's attached to cannabis which has been fucking through the propaganda machine destroyed from the fucking 60s and it's attached to cannabis, which has been fucking through the propaganda machine, destroyed from the fucking 60s. And that's still got an echo in today's society.

I don't think anyone that listens to this, they might not all smoke weed, but none of them are against it. Nah, exactly right. But like, see, this would help my... Sorry, ma'am, but your dirty laundry's coming out. This would help my ma'am so much with her social anxiety. But I reckon it's going to be a tough sell for me

to say look it's non-psychoactive it's not going to get you high it's not fucking wacky backy but it is the medicinal side of it you can get sprays

you can get gummies it doesn't have to be inhaled uh huh and I think it would be good for her but she's too much drugs are bad I've never had drugs

in my system even though she'll drink and take opioids that's been given to her over and over so me and her smack up together speaking of which I want to shout out I had drugs in my system even though she'll drink and take opioids that's been given to her over the coming so me and her smack up together speaking of which

I want to shout out to my sponsor who is my drug dealer just go to him with whatever problem you have he's got something for you if you're like

my wife's going to leave me he's like here's two grams of cocaine you can I mean I'm not going to hand out his number actually so you can use my discount code

muggins20 with any online purchase and you can use cream20 on not going to hand out his number actually so you can use my discount code muggins20 with any online purchase and you can use cream20 on Daniel's drug dealer oh aye just tell him I sent you muggins20

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see how good a man I am I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not saying a fucking penny of that well actually you are am I because not seeing a fucking penny of that Well actually you are Am I? Because they sponsored me

By buying tech For my Twitch stream Right Because of the webcam And the light and stuff Right And how does that We're going on Twitch tomorrow

Uh huh And how You get to use the camera? Uh huh Yeah yeah You get to use the lights I get to use the camera To go on another thing

That makes you money It doesn't make me money I'm not an affiliate yet But I will be use the camera to go on another thing that makes you money. It doesn't make me money. I'm not an affiliate yet, but I will be an affiliate after tomorrow. After I've been on with you. That is a complete coincidence, by the way.

Oh, is it? Okay. I'm already... So can I not go to the students' motor then? If you want. You sure? Because we might not

make an affiliate. It would be fun. I'll make an affiliate. No, not if I'm not on it, though. Yes, I will. Well, we'll see. If I come on and you make it, you do owe me thank you.

Look, just to explain to the lovely listeners who are going to join us tomorrow, affiliate... Today, you mean? Today, when they listen to it. I'll put it out now. I'll just put it out today. What day is it? Thursday.

Don't get it Thursday. Then come join us tomorrow afternoon at 12. Friday afternoon at 12. I'll be on Twitch. You have to meet these like things like you have to have

minimum 50 followers you've got to stream 7 8 times you've got to stream 7 different days you've got to have an average of

3 viewers per stream which I'm on an average of 4 viewers per stream you've got to have yeah so I'll meet that tomorrow bye so yeah bye

you're going to take credit for it aren't you what do you think I'm doing now what are you's going on with you? You're going to take credit for it, aren't you? What do you think I'm doing now? What are you going to have? You're all going to try and spin this somehow. I can see where this is going. I can see the direction.

Oh, you're already there. That wasn't the direction. That was you just sitting there. Now to explain Twitch to the fucking granddads and grandmothers out there I took the knitting community from Instagram over to Twitch so these podcast

listeners should surely be able to convert alright so Twitch is a streaming platform upon which

you can watch your favourite artists doing whatever they want to do whether that be playing computer games

cooking cooking but it's not just for playing computer games it is about cooking doing woodwork sometimes just talking a lot cooking but it's not just for playing computer games it is about you know cooking doing woodwork

sometimes just talking a lot of times it's just fucking talking to camera talking to your fans a lot of the time I'm not on it by the way I personally knit

you knit on year one Gareth Ward does scary games I know Marjolaine Robertson who's a great comedian from Shetlands she does like

story time every week there's loads of ways Lemmy does he does flight simulator as in truck simulator as in stuff like really long form stuff

and does improv games with audience because a lot of people are getting onto it and it's a chance John Robertson does The Dark Room which is fucking really cool

Tom Walker does Tom Walker we need to watch his fucking special I'll plug that as well if you've got Amazon Prime anywhere in the world get the fuck on

Tom Walker Comedian you have to type in Tom Walker Comedian the show is called Very Very now I love it I love it

it's weird it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen and it's also genius at the same time like he went to Tom went to I'm pretty sure

he went to fucking Juilliard which is like the the greatest French the great French clown college like he's he might have just lied that to me and I fucking ate it up but regardless he's a brilliant physical actor

that's fucking good on his Twitch he does truck simulator but everyone in his Twitch audience are his baby that he's taking along for the ride so he's just got a truck full of babies. So there's just, people are becoming

more and more creative with their own platform. So you've made the switch. It's a broadcasting site. Everybody just, there's your page. You broadcast from there. Make a schedule.

I should also clarify, the viewers of this, you don't have to pay anything. It's free to watch. It's free to watch. You just come on. You follow. Do you have to create an account? You have to pay anything. It's free to watch. It's free to watch. You just come on. You follow. Do you have to create an account?

You have to email address and a password. You have to have an account so that you can say, I'm out. So that you can... That's how they get you. That's right. Some people stop at that. They go, I'm going to have to sign up for this.

Sign up for it. Everyone knows what you're doing anyway. There's loads of creative stuff you can do from the streaming software to make like the broadcast like have a production value and Natalie said why would anybody watch someone

like you or Gareth or just like any of you playing on a computer game when it could go on that's Gareth Water whose Twitch is also very good

and she was just trying to get her head around Twitch right and she's a fan of me and Gareth and she's like I just don't understand why people would watch

you play computer games when you've got Netflix and you could put some fucking blockbuster movie on and that made us think like she's like I just don't understand why people would watch you play computer games when you've got Netflix and you could put some fucking blockbuster movie on and that made us think like why are like I think

why are people watching me and Gareth when they could be watching Netflix and this is why this is what I've come up with right you watch Fury

right and Shayla Burf and Brad Pitt and John Burfnell they're on the screen there's no way just for the American listeners all of those names

must have been great to hear in Geordie like I'm used to it but fucking you said words that they were like nobody says it there's no way you can get in touch with them hollywood's designed that they are so six degrees of separation that's not true i'm fucking trying my goddamn heart you are five degrees of separation you're our degree of separation on the six degrees of separation. Hey, that's not true. I'm fucking trying my goddamn hardest to get to Jon Bartholomew. You are five degrees of separation. You're our degree of separation on the six degrees, okay?

I just want Jon Bartholomew to just hug me for like 10 minutes. I acknowledge you alive. Just to look at the screen while he's acting and just go, thanks for the follow, Daniel Sloss. No, I just want him to tell me

I've got beautiful eyes. So what Twitch does is it takes the production value down from silver screen blockbuster, but it puts the interactivity up to a level that you'll never get on a movie. What is it? It's a community.

You literally create a community. So you... And as an audience member, you join a part of a community. You can react in the comments, and we'll react to your comments and chat to you, and everything that's happening is so live that you're interacting with it. But not only that

there's certain aspects of it like the followers and the subs where like you create a notification on screen so we get like instead of us

having to look at the comments something happens on the screen that we have to react to so it puts it puts like even though we're in the driver's seat of the broadcast

it puts you as all as backseat drivers and you steer where the fucking where the show's gonna go aye and it's and you're on it i'm not um because uh no i'm not willing to sink that low actually actually it's a superiority thing actually it's got nothing to do with my piss per internet connection no it's not it's not about that it's about other things ah i've just realized something what that's why you're not on TikTok

no I'm not on TikTok because TikTok you're doing that thing again you're doing that thing you do where you pretend it's not about the wifi no no tell me why

the reason I'm not on TikTok because TikTok is an app created by the Chinese government in order to scan your face so they can trace you all the time because the Chinese government is inherently fucking evil all I'm hearing is

blah blah blah my wifi is poor do you please do I hate it I don't want to be your dad here but do you have tiktok on your phone i would never do good don't have tiktok and if you got i'm teasing you good no but this is to listeners if you've got tiktok on your phone for the love of god get tiktok off of your fucking phone it is chinese spyware that's not even that's not even that's not even conspiracy conspiracy is all of the other conspiracy series that make

you sound tinfoil hat when you say it no I'm not like I'm just disinterested in it you know what I get it

I understand why my god don't I like that's their little thing don't let your kids have it why do you want

the Chinese government to have the fucking face scans of all of your children do not let anyone why do the Chinese government want to know what teenage

girls and middle-aged comedians are doing because that's the demographic God and how much crossover is there so yeah are you going to come on TikTok

are you coming on TikTok with us tomorrow will you do a little dance I might I might I also wanted to I need to I want to do some

studying at some point and I was going to use that hour of you away but I guess I could point and I was going to use that out of view away but I guess I could come and help you get affiliated if that's what you really want get us across the lane

aye if you admit it though very fine right alright I'll come on then right so we'll do like a Muggins and Cream podcast no no

you've also we're obviously not doing fucking your dad jokes but we've got fucking it's been a while since we've been able to do this. We can plug gigs.

We can plug gigs. Let me log into my website for the first time since fucking February. Oh, Daniel, you don't add your own days to the website? No. Who am I? My own mother? That's what she does.

That's my mum's job. Well, it's not her job. She has a real job, saving the world from global warming. And she is doing a show let it go man do you want me to phone out

I'm sorry I can't sell a book for being slanderous or like not even slander what's the word we can also plug Sarah Pascoe's book that's fair enough thank you for bringing that up we have gigs I watched the way oh that's the other thing no no no we've also plugged Sarah Pascoe's book that's fair enough thank you for bringing that up we have

gigs these are so said gigs September 4th tomorrow Whitchurch I've no idea where the fuck that is Stourbridge

on the 5th two gigs there West Midlands West Midlands sure that's where it is those are sold out but also try get in contact with

Wayne Bees on Funny Bees Knees or Funny Bees Knees. Funny Bees Knees? Funny Bees Knees, is that it? I've linked it on my Instagram, work it out. Newcastle Stand, that's sold out, cool. But we're coming back again.

Are we? Oh, so we are, but that's also sold out. Okay. But we're going to be adding, oh no, there's another one. All right, we're going to keep, venues are opening. Keep selling stuff out, we'll keep coming back. Where the fuck is North Arlington? Oh, that's just

up of South Arlington. Alright, so we've got Nottingham, Birmingham, Newcastle, Reading. Ugh, kidding. Manchester, great. Glasgow, great. London.

Oh, Amsterdam. Big fucking Amsterdam one. Booting for 11th of December. Um... Alright, and then just go to my fucking website danielsloss.com and go to lakelandcbd.co.uk and have a look

at their menu and be sure to use discount code muggins20 if you want to buy anything all done now yes I mean I think so

any parting words take care of your mental health aye just man up have a banana aye you gimps doo poo