Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Tour Bubble

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

Practically delirious from being in a constant state of touring Muggins and Cream try to speculate what is going on in the world outside their bubble. Dangerously out of touch and uninformed they try to fix the worlds economy. Not too dissimilar to those in charge. They both speculate about being better gift givers within their friendship group then dismiss the notion immediately. How exhausting. #31

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Do you have any information from the outside world?

In what sense? In that I'm so trapped in a 2L bubble now. Turn your mic up. I'm so trapped in a 2L bubble now that I just feel like I've got catching up to do. Yeah, I... Have they solved the conflict in the Middle East yet? Yeah, it's done. Done in Sweden? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we solved racism. in the Middle East yet yeah it's done done to Sweden yeah yeah yeah

we solved racism that's good news and racism's done all done all done bad news is turns out the cure for all was just

a genocide right yeah happened in the worst possible way 80% of the planet gone real bad

but no one's racist anymore there's no one to be racist to Don't get me wrong We still hate each other There's still reasons It obviously

It obviously didn't solve We just look deeper than skin For that now Yeah absolutely Yeah yeah yeah Yeah And while we're punishing The people who did it

It's still Murder and dragging them out In the streets and stuff It's just an endless cycle of violence And What's happening back home uh well so i stay in contact with my wife and really on tour yeah yeah yeah call me traditional you'll see when you get home yeah i'm i i call me new fashioned i miss them new fashion yeah that's very new nobody not nobody but very way

more couples now i think love each other they loved each other 70 years ago oh yeah like yeah marrying the person that you met six months ago because they're pregnant yeah yeah yeah i just think oh you did do that um so when i'm away i my friends have my good friends are the ones that are aware that i'm just i turn off that's the way i get through to her yeah right if you want to communicate with us send us a reel or a meme yeah yeah yeah and then i will think of you next time i say a reel or a meme but just don't tell us about your life i'm busy yeah and i don't want to tell you and telling you about my day won't do anything for me don't want to tell you and telling you about my day won't do anything for me

all I want to do is fucking set up my steam day play Jurassic Park and just fucking like tune out the hours until I'm just back home oh man

how is that and not in a way of like I hate the tour or anything like obviously the gigs are amazing but the hours during the day up until the gig and afterwards

I'm like that's your me time all of those could be sped up because you're in you're in states of engagement all the time so when you get a state of disengagement you don't want to then make engagement with people yeah so you you do just entertain yourself whether that's a book or a game or whatever um i don't i think i go through phases i think my friends are very aware of when I'm home because I'll be messaging them being like, hey, how are you? And they're like, oh.

Oh, it's all right when I'm busy. Daniel's back in the country and therefore in his own head again. Yeah. Hello, everyone. I've returned. Did you see backstage at Huntingdon there was a postcard?

I think it was Huntingdon. Postcards that were like, send a letter, send a postcard back home and just drop it in at the production office and we'll post it for you. Yeah. So you could just like, there's a pen there. Like you could just write a postcard back home and just drop it in at the production office and we'll post it for you yeah so you could just like there's a pen there like you could just write a postcard to someone i was like i was there just said so many death threats just fucking i know i don't know who it's from cutting cutting up the guy's newspaper putting the black i will fucking murder threatening the postman because that's it

postman must read postcards dan just out of just out of curiosity do you have do you have Ed Gamble's address I'd be far too I'd be far too with a postcard right

the postman must read postcards you can't be a postman get a postcard and not read it like I don't know there's some real

strict rules like especially in the UK and I think it's still in America don't know. There's some real strict rules, like especially in the UK. And I think it's still America. The post is like a very, like they take it fucking seriously. I put a postcard to the top and it's there. It's not been crisp packing on the table.

That's anybody's that. It's a knife. You're not writing a private postcard. It's fucking every person that's hand it touches gets to see your letter. Yeah. But I mean, even if I had unlimited.

You're not even going to have a little peek. Call AI. If i had unlimited like you're not even gonna have a little peek corner yeah if i had limited time on this planet and would live forever and i'd read every single bit of literature i still don't think i could be persuaded to read somebody's postcard at home from fucking tenerife i'm like oh man what information do you want i'll just tell you straight off the bat don't read it to me you'd be such a square about it what live a little man read someone's postcard

you've fucking got a door to door like you know what as well I was going to say mundane job but of all the of all the jobs yeah

postman's the one that I could just absolutely be content with like cutting a boot my postie's a very happy bloke I love my postie aye I didn't think I've seen

a miserable postie aye he's just got his headphones in all the time he comes round and he's really good sometimes we'll stand at the door

we'll talk for 10 minutes other days he's like I'll see you later and I'm like I also appreciate a quick chat my friend aye my postman makes a fuss

of me dog aye to the point that my dog gets excited to see him good good I doubt it's always the case for postmen

the cliches well Gary Larson's to be believed who's Gary Larson cartoonist from with the cliches. Well, Gary Larson is to be believed. He's Gary Lawson. Cartoonist from like the, I'm going to say mid nineties. No times. It was,

it was like before people had phones to be on while they shot, there was a period of time where besides the toilet, at least in my household was like little books of like Calvin and a hawk. Cause he didn't have a phone to read. Hager the Horrible. Fucking. Because you end up reading The Shampoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you used to just have to sit in a fucking toilet at home. Why didn't I send the postcard? Like they were there. Like I could have wrote a postcard. Who would be your go-to? Like who would like it, right? I think my mum and dad would like it

if they got a postcard off us. Me and Loz would like it. From where, though? From fucking Huntington? New York State. Still got a little bit of something. New York State. Fucking, we don't have...

We don't have Cocos Pepsi, okay? Ricketts would love a postcard I think Rich Masara would love a postcard yeah okay yeah those are good shouts

do you ever wish you were more thoughtful? yes uh huh because this is how I had the thought and still didn't act on it

I wish I activated them thoughts more because here's the thing Rich Masara is one of the most thoughtful people I know in the world and I was about to The reason I'm bringing

Is I caught myself thinking Oh you must have to be In a good mood all the time To be thoughtful But he's One of the saddest people Ah

Yeah And He's got the black dog there Wanting his attention And he's still buying gifts For people Maybe that's it Maybe that's how he

Expresses love Well Act of kindness I think would be A good remedy for Depression he's still buying gifts for people maybe that's it maybe that's how he expresses well act act of kindness i think would be a good remedy for depression yeah absolutely anything fulfilling yeah so it's not totally altruistic what he's been shit we look at something uh yeah i wish I was more thoughtful like there's often times where I'm like thinking oh someone like that and then just don't act on it at all do you not do it because it's gay

like at a base level at a base level I know I'm being reductive but not because it's gay no I think this is why I'm setting a precedent for myself that I definitely can't keep

that's why I never wish anyone happy birthed on Facebook I'm like if you're day one you've got to do the while so because I do wish I was as thoughtful as like Craig Hill Craig Hill's the type of person that will he will be in another country and even if he's not spoken to that person in

X amount of time he'll still, he'll see something that reminds him of them or a private joke they have or a thing that they might like and he'll just send a little fucking message out of the blue there gay thoughtful uh yeah not in a negative way no no no but no but we're also acknowledging there is growing up in the playgrounds we grew up on where just being gay just was an insult right

imagine you come into school and give one of your mates a gift yeah like I wouldn't be able to shake how gay I was by the amount of accusations that I would just have to

homophobia was absolutely rife in primary schools in the 80s and 90s and even when you grow up and you become a non-homoph 80s and 90s and even when you grow up and you become a non-homophobic person and you grow and you fucking learn, you start with this really core thing which is

just like one of the first things you learn. Social conditioning. Yeah, yeah, yeah and gay obviously the reason is because you're reducing everything bad to that but that is that I mean I often find myself, whenever I feel myself pulling back on something that is thoughtful, selfless, something that

will make me feel good in the long run, something that's like a delayed gratification thing or something that's for someone else, I do get a thing of like, it's not that it screams that in my head but it's just this thing of like I've been conditioned to not do Do you get the thing because you've set yourself up

as such like a cold person at times, like the character of you, like do you feel like it's uncharacteristic to be nice? No, because I'm not, I mean, I'm nice when I want, yeah, I mean, no, I'm nice when I want to be,

and I'm nice to people, like, you know, there was, at Christmas time, I tend to go fucking all out for friends sometimes. He has a gift you can't. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has that.

Just open it if you want. I don't care. He has a late night. If you want to sit on it. Do you want a fucking present and a shoe as well? Fuck it. Jesus, got a fucking hundred quid gift. Do you want a charade?

He has a present because I'm married. That's it. Like, if I turn up at somebody's house with Natalie, we're bringing a bottle of wine, or we're bringing something, flowers, whatever, right? And I just can't add that to my own personality. Like, when I went to stay at Matty's when I did the frog and bugger run,

like, I probably should turn up with a gift. He's putting us up. I'm staying at his house. I Mean notice fridge Drink these coffees, you know, but my thing is The office stands the other way if you want to stay a man you don't need it You need a buy-in. Yeah, like I Mean it is better to be that maybe we just should be And also I will say this

If I'm in a bad mood I will let everyone in a bad mood Because we're friends and I don't feel like I don't have to hide my emotions from my friends Like I you know Hide my emotions on stage and shit But you can still be miserable And thoughtful Like

Bought you that fucking coffee machine You did aye Four years ago that now How long ago was fucking Vegas Eleven years ago Oh no The stack Fucking wife

The switch There's a switch Jordans Yeah What have I got you A treat thanks Have I bought you anything There's a switch Jordans Yeah What have I got you? I treat you nice Have I bought you anything? Yeah you bought me that

You and Natalie And Alex And so I've all got me That Signed Chelsea Champions League Oh yeah Final shirt

You've Gotten me Probably some other Really thoughtful stuff That's All the t-shirts And jump as I leave it yours Oh speaking of which I've got one of probably some other really thoughtful stuff that's I'll have t-shirts and jump as I leave it yours oh speaking of which

I've got one of your t-shirts in me I just always go on it's like some bright hour clothes maybe that's maybe that's what I'll do when I get home

maybe like with all the fucking time off in my head I've got this idea of myself I'll just become an infinitely better person because I'll have an infinite amount of time even though even though kovat

proved that there was no what happened even though i have firm evidence of kovat that by the way given unlimited amount of time at home you will still not be yourself you think you're gonna write a sitcom if you've got a bit of time off there no the delusion I'm like I'm gonna be a different man when I get home eh I was thinking I was toying with the idea of turning my phone off for a few days when I go back

and just being like uncontactable I'm not gonna go uncontactable I'll do I'll take social media off I'll be done with that and I'll just have that

on like the iPad that's in in Caelan's room so if I want where's Daniel in Caelan's room can I Daniel in Cailin's room? Can I do bedtime with him? He's not sleeping, of course he's not sleeping

He's staring at the screen Yeah, he's deep in the argument Just completely Irish, you feel it? Yeah, because he just has like a burner phone type phone, doesn't he? Like an old knockout And now that we know the Jews have tunnels, it's highly suspicious What is he up to? to no what's he hating all right um i ran across the fourth the fourth bridge i'm

saying that i've done it as a bit that i've run across the fourth bridge uh the golden gate bridge and if that is not the most instagram versus reality experience yeah that you'll ever have you know when you think of the um the know, when you think of the Golden Gate Bridge, you think of it as fucking glorious. And I guess it was a foggy day. Like, it would be good views if the sun was shining.

If the Golden Gate Bridge, I think of it falling down, being hit, Spider-Man, any natural disaster movie. Like, I've seen... X-Men.

Yeah. Bad things continuously happen to it. Yeah. The Planet of the Apes run across it. Do they? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Bad things continuously happen to it. Yeah. The Planet of the Apes run across it. Do they? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, the newer one.

You're right, yeah. Yeah. And there's cages on the side and then fucking suicide nets after that and just congested of people just trying to get the perfect photo but actually just in congestion. It was one of those moments where you're like ah it's better in a picture but like i said the view would have been good like i was looking out towards like alcatraz and the and the like the coast and stuff

and uh i was like on a clear day this would actually be a nice view but it was just so fucking windy man like i was running i was i was kind of knackered as well because I was like, oh, I'll run across to the Golden Gate Bridge because I was chatting to Jean about it this morning. It was, you know, when you run on a treadmill, but it lets you have, like, a visual run so you can go past the Sydney Opera House so you can go over the Golden Gate Bridge. Like, that's an option that we've both took before

and we've ran over it virtually. So I was like, oh, I'm going to do that in real life not considering that even though you can see it it's there it's just you run towards it it just doesn't seem to get

any fucking closer still on the treadmill I still felt like literally did feel like I was on a treadmill and then I don't know how it caught us by surprise

but you have to claim a hill to get to it why would you not have to claim a hill like it's fucking miles up in the sky and you're on the beach when you start to it why would you not have to claim a hill like it's fucking miles up in the sky and you're on the beach

when you start how far down are the suicide nets huh how far down are the suicide nets about the height of this room

maybe it's still got a bit of a fall I'm glad they're there because the number one all the survivors are like you regret it

like the second you jump you instantly regret it people have survived that uh huh that's quite the fucking fall that would be like hitting concrete like most

most jumpers from anywhere who have survived which isn't a lot but do say like the number the second the ones that burn pewter just before

they hit the ground I don't know if that would help with water really or if you burn pewter I reckon you could land if if a non-mistborn could land it. I think it's a great idea to have suicide nets, right?

But, like, that's a sad spot. You land there, you forget. How are you going to get back up? Aye. So hear me out. Sue with slides. I like it. So they're all, like, kind of funneling. So it's, like, down the side, and it's just all like kind of funnel into

so it's like down the side and it's just like catch it's like over sort of spell and it all goes down in the middle

and maybe it does maybe it does dump them in the water at the end because who doesn't like a good water slide but like I just think that's

that might cheer you up as well 100% absolutely spring in your step don't get me wrong suicide attempts will go way up

way up people will be doing it at one point it's just going to become an attraction but in the middle of it Springing your step. Don't get me wrong. Suicide attempts will go way up. Way up. People will be doing it. At one point, it's just going to become an attraction. But in the middle of it, I think we can save some lives. One in every 100 people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge is attempting suicide. Yeah, yeah, the rest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's a well-funded. We'll eventually just become a giant. If you are on one of them nets, I'm just putting it out there. If you are on one of them nets, I'm just putting it out there, if you are determined, like it's stopping your initial jump, but like at that point you're going, right, this isn't a suicide attempt,

this is me just getting onto the net. And then you clamber over the net and then you would do your jump. So it is putting like an extra obstacle in the way. You landed in the old cry catch a cry catcher cry catcher depressed people jump all right okay I was just like how's net gonna catch tears oh that's I mean um yeah that would that would be a shite way at the end and I think clambering out of a suicide night all right or suicide you fall you regret it you land in the suicide

net you're embarrassed for a bit you should go about nest apps fall die anyway oh I wouldn't have that like small amount is enough fight it survived the jump then so that says no this is just no it's too high. I also love, like, it's such a... I know it's around the world, but it's just when it's here, it's such an American thing. We're just like,

all right, people are killing themselves, so we're going to stick a net to catch the ones that do kill themselves. And then what happens afterwards? Oh, you know, we just release them.

And you're like, you know, if you put anything into mental health care, that's all You could probably stop this problem at the source How's that cheaper than Nets though? The Net catches like 95% of them

That's heaps Do you know how much therapy costs? Yeah You're suggesting an extra 10 million a year Right? For an extra 5% This is America baby, no way And it's a quite a

busy roadway as well so you're essentially choosing to run alongside a motorway yeah it's like fucking whatever four six lanes i don't know so you'd like he's in a fucking down the count huh i wasn't looking in that direction i didn't fucking glance over the side i did i did glance but I didn't make a mental... You've driven on that road, okay. You tell me, was it 4-6? 6. Definitely?

Yeah. So it's a three-lane road on each side? Confirmed? Yeah. You can just say that? You're taking a 50-50 shot at being right? Doing right. Okay.

No more. So why Jasklin? Well, I don't know if you knew. As always, thick as mints mint I've got no visual memory I have to make an actual mental note in words Speaking of America, I went to see Civil War and can I just say Do you love it?

I thought it was good, yeah, I thought it was really good and also not against it like I have to remind myself of I've got friends over of like I've got friends over here and I've got fans over here and I love it over here it's good to be over here

but there is something about the fall of Rome that like I don't want to see anyone die I don't think I would ever enjoy the death of someone oh that's not true the fucking flat earther who attacked himself to the wall. Yeah, you love that.

That was so good. Okay, tell a lie. I do like... You talk about the Queen's death every day. Yeah, I did like when she died. Yeah, that was good. Okay, so I do like some deaths. Our Trump's death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're odds on to get that. In our lifetime? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like a tragedy to yourself would be the only thing stopping it like you cannot despite the many things i love about this country it just would be i don't know interesting i thought one of the good bits they did in the movie and this isn't a spoiler but just a bit recursive dance character like I remember, I thought when I was reporting about this in other countries

that I was sending the pictures back and being like, this is a warning. Let's not do this. And now we're all just doing it. Because there's a really good podcast by Robert Evans called It Could Happen Here, which has been going on for about, ever since January the 6th.

And it's about, like there could be a civil war in America. Did something specific happen on January the 6th or is that just when it started? What are you talking about? You said ever since January the 6th. January the 6th, the January 6th,

the storming of the Capitol building. Oh, right. Okay. That's what it was. That's what I was asking. January 6th. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So ever since then,

he's done this podcast called It Could Happen, which is just with the experience he has of being a war journalist talking about you know what it would be like in America if it were to fucking happen

and again again I'm not saying that I want it to happen the death toll on the innocents would be through the roof I'd watch a lot of the news though

mmm it would pique your interest oh I'd be on Reddit a lot more I'd probably re lot of the news though it would pique your interest oh I'd be on reddit a lot more I'd probably re-download that that's where you get the good footage would you like to be a war photographer? no did you not like

I was fascinated by the etiquette because I know I was watching a film but I was like how much of this is just based on life do the war photographers just get kind of folded into the action the way they were well i think it's more was that just for the film like other just like right you get there better not fucking do this and they're like the they were treated by both sides of the like there was there was points where someone was firing indiscriminately but there's there's points where they were just seen as like not a threat you're just here like you're not on a side

well I think it's more like they have to incorporate them in because at the end of the day you can't rely on anyone sticking to that etiquette though no no no you can if that's the fucking thing

right because originally I reckon they were just like you need to get the fuck out of here and then our photographers were like well I'm not going anywhere like this is my job

and you're not stopping me doing my job So the army get trained to fold them in? I think sometimes I don't know how good they are but yeah I mean it's a real fucking legit job and the fact that they do wear press shirts it's always bigger news when

a journalist is killed than regular civilians in a war and that's because it's even though both are absolutely violations of the Geneva Conventions like the a journalist has killed that regular civilians in a war. And that's because it's, even though both are absolutely violations of the Geneva Conventions, like the, I guess one's collateral and one seems like, oh, well, I mean, which doesn't make sense to me

because I know what a nursery is. You don't need to put press on the side of a nursery. People should be like, oh, father, there might be journalists in there. You don't consider your enemy to have ethics at any point, do you? Like just don't consider journalists in there you don't consider your enemy to have ethics at any point do you like you you don't although there is that story which i've told on the podcast long time ago and i will repeat it um the world war one when the the had ceased like just an etiquette ceasefire so that they could eat yeah um and then there was cook fires coming from the german side

and one of the british troops just walked over no man's land and sat down and had food with them and the germans didn't want to kill him because that would breach the ceasefire and that's when they have food and they were just like wary of him and fed him and then he come back and had an hour for the brits and i don't know like that was in Guns of August or something. There was a book I read, World War I at the time. I was like, I loved that. He was one,

not bothered if he died. Two, trusted the etiquette of the enemy enough to accommodate him in that move. I think, having a lunch break when you're trying to kill each other is really funny. You're like,

it's 12 o'clock. All right, game off. having a lunch break when you're trying to kill each other is really funny like fucking bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah oh it's 12 o'clock alright game off I think there are some people that are just like they fucking love war

and they respect it and they're just like I'm gonna there are certain rules of this and then there are people like I've been fucking roped into this I don't like any of this country

fuck this shit like you know yes Soppert was telling us about I've been fucking roped into this. I don't like any of this country. Fuck this shit. I'm like, you know, yes. Uh, separate was telling us about, um, cause he was on the front line for many years. He was telling us about sometimes the quietest lads just turn into absolute fucking savages in the field.

He's just like looking at them going, how's that the same person, you know, and life's on the lane and your team's on the lane and everything. There's somebody that's like fucking anxious in conversation and a little bit within himself and then the fucking

guns start firing and you're like oh okay you were born for this me absolute killer that would be you just meek

in the in the mess yeah yeah doesn't look like I can do and then guns

go and start firing go there tell everyone tell everyone to stop firing the guns because I can't hear the screams of my enemies dying I reckon you would spend more time pretending to be dead than running around trying to just make the enemy just in the mess hall

one button i'm done because you've had two servants I think I would be so useful in war if I could see oh yeah if my eyes were better why do you think you'd be a good sniper or a good pilot well not that I just think I'd be I'd be gutsy enough to go out and die

you reckon right now you're doing a lot of friendly fire blue on blue a lot of blue on blue from me Well Yeah I don't think I'd come back for more Nah The heroes don't come back man

Heroes do Become compost I thought you were just going to go out and marry a French girl, stay there. Don't bother writing home to Natalie at any point. Just start fresh. Join the enemy. Yeah.

Never learn French. Just sacre bleu. Fucking. We've done everything right. 20 years together. Just both of you so stubborn. Her not learning English, you not learning French. We know people like that that don't speak the same language

as their wife while their wife's bilingual and then the kids grow up bilingual. Who? Luke Heggie for one. Luke Heggie speaks French. Does he? Yep. Ian Moore. I bet he does know a bit of French. I think he wrote about it in his book that his family talk about him

paying his back in French. Okay, he might not be fluent, but he's definitely... That's something. That's what they're talking about him. I love... I love Cara. I love her so much.

I thought I'd learn a fucking second language for her. Nah. Nah. Not even so, like... Only if, like, she was... Yeah, it would be very funny If you're married into like A Vietnamese family or something like that

And they all speak Vietnamese When they see each other And you just learn on the sly And you just hear what the in-laws have got to say about you In front of your face to your wife That would be a good plan I might do it actually I couldn't learn

I've tried learning other languages before Me too I've got 15% of French in my head I've got no I was on the drink with another comedian down in London And they went Oh two seconds I've just got to go on duolingo to keep my streak up And then I went on for a second and done a thing

And then went off and I was like I don't think you're going to like i don't i don't think you'll learn french like that i don't think i don't think that's how you learn the language just by keeping your streak up i think you need to have like full-on hours and hours of immersion you can't just i think like the app i think the app is useful to like less than one percent of people that use it well when when the man or or the lady does the translation and she says it in English, ask yourself how many people who speak English sound like that. And the answer is fucking next to none of them.

And it'll be the same with other people. You have to go to other countries and sort of immerse yourself in it just so you can hear the fucking accents and dialects. Oh, do you know the worst for me? Cause I done, I tried to do it with, what do you call it Reset a Stone

so it's DVD ROM in 2011 and they decided that they were going to use like voice activation technology in 2011 like it still barely works now

we ever put like fucking it's getting better when you put captions on a reel but it still misses every fucking

fifth word or something especially with my accent um and i remember it was the word which means woman so they would go and then i would go and then it wouldn't let it you can't you couldn't like manually pass that bit and i would just be stuck for like half an hour just fucking moochay moochay like moochay moochay mooshay moochay and just trying every variation of saying it tell you what i fucking remembered the word though didn't i it's the one bit that worked when i wouldn't let us fucking move on i think it's a very impressive thing it takes a deep level of intelligence to learn another language

right but how much of another language do you have to know to know when someone else from that place is stupid like how much French do you think you have to be in to like hold up conversations like okay well I'm definitely stupid in French just in the fact that I'm unable to convey my ideas

as succinctly as I would in English and also my understanding of French is rudimentary enough that like I'm going to get 78% of this but I'm going to miss a lot of fucking nuance so maybe this person is simplifying it down for me because they know so it's like at what

point how good do you have to be in another language before you get to go hi you're a fucking idiot in your second language yeah well how many people that I've met on the road don't know I'm an idiot yes aye and they're just like god he really slowed it down and was

just you know pointing at light bulbs and clapping and he doesn't seem like an idiot at all if you want to learn a language you don't just want to be able to get directions and order a meal and stuff because you're putting a lot of investment in you want to be able to hold a meaningful conversation

and not just base level because most people can just do that In English which is the It's the big Obstacle for us You've got to be living somewhere for half the year To want to do that Or be in love with someone who speaks that language If Cara woke up one day

With brain damage right And just because I flail in my sleep And for some reason she only spoke Spanish, would I learn Spanish? Just pretend you know what you're saying. Yeah. Just do what you're normally doing,

don't look up from your phone. Mondolingo. What would you do if like you fully committed and you learn like you know when you started learning Hindi yeah and you fully committed and you spent a bit of time in India and you fucking got it down that you could speak like fairly fluently and then you found out by speaking to people deeply that you have a really thick brummy accent, the equivalent of I mean I'd work on changing it a little bit but it wouldn't upset me as much as What about like

posh English accent, the equivalent of I'd expect that You've learned the language Yeah I would expect this, I would be more mental if I sounded fucking rural Also I don't sound poor anymore I'm like a little bit

fascinated actually that like because we would never pick up on the regional dialect of other countries they don't hear themselves like we hear themselves they have this perspective

of fluency that we have now so they hear themselves in different accents and stuff but we never get to see anybody that we meet

through that lens we only get to hear them speaking well in English with an Indian accent or a Belgian accent. Is Belgian a language? No, Flemish. Flemish, Dutch, a little bit of Dutch there. But wherever you are, whatever accent they've got

is just the accent of that country applied to the English language. You never get to hear them as a fluent person with their accent. Like, it would be so funny to, like, speak to one of your friends who's foreign, but, like, hear them how everybody else hears them. I wonder how much of a different, like, you'd see them in if you heard, like, the Babelfish version of them. Oh, my God, you're actually fucking stupid.

What is the Babelfish, by the way? It's the fish that goes into the ear of the characters in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy so that they can understand each other in different alien languages so that their book it's a device so that the book can continue in english and then uh the book space team just blatantly stole it and said they were stealing it so he's like oh like a babel fish like that oh we're being smart because we pointed out the dumb thing we're doing he's like no no you're just pointing out the dumb thing we're doing

yeah there's a lot of that I was making fun of you yesterday and it was with great to my face or behind my back absolutely to your face you'd never do it behind my back well not never but if I ever have

this behind your back I've always made sure what I've said to stay with sauce I've said to your fucking face I don't think there's much left to be honest I'd be interested to know

which stones did he leave unturned I'd be absolutely I'd be absolutely shocked if something got back to you that you'd never heard me say to you maybe a compliment I'll get back to you one day no

just wake up with me if you're not going to I got you I was making fun of you the other day because we have six shows left we've got Houston tonight fucking Dallas tomorrow Austin LA and then two in Washington And then a late flight home

And then I've got like Four gigs for the rest of the year At the moment Might add more Probably will not Just going to enjoy Some sweet ass time off Baby due in August

Gonna move house Will maybe write another book And just gonna be Just do what you want Oh man I'm gonna get into making bread I'm gonna do another book uh and just gonna be just do what you want oh man i'm gonna get into making bread i'm gonna do a whole bunch of just gonna be a real you're not gonna make bread just gotta put it there fucking line of making bread gonna be a real boring piece of shit and you have to go on tour ha ha ha ha ha ha not only not only and not only do you have to go to you have to go to with a tour manager and you've got to go back to like 150s here venues.

Yeah. And I'm going to be staying at friends' houses, which actually I don't mind that. Like that's fine. Cause I get to see them and hang out. Um, not to a manager. I've got to do the fringe festival.

I've got to finish writing the show, which I've tried not to let like the panic set in because it always gets written but then i start going is the panic part of the reason it gets written have you not just got to embrace that panic trust the process blah blah blah um the hardest thing about writing a new show is comparing it to finished shows that you've, like, performed in two out of a million times where they've got all of the punchlines in and people are laughing from the minute you start

or the minute you finish. And you're there going, fuck, it's nothing as good as my previous work. But that's because you're comparing it. You're not comparing it to your previous work when you started that previous work. You're comparing it to your previous work when you started that previous work you're comparing it to your previous work when you finished that previous work so i i have to like really keep reminding myself like just as long as you turn up and do your

writing and turn up and do your shows you're gonna add stuff you're gonna it's important everything you do man to what well it's important to hate everything you do because hatred's easier to do comedy about yeah and also you just automatically hate your show so by the end of it you're like fucking anything is better than this but you still know it's good because you hear people laughing I know people are idiots

you know those punchlines like if you're just looking at it from a logical non-emotional point of view you go right there's punchlines all the way through that show and then you look at your notes on your paper and you go, that might not work, that might not work. But then you do it and you do a couple of ad libs and then that goes in and you just start piecing it together.

You're never going to write a finished show in a one-er. It's a process. I've got that ahead of us in like, time's ticking, man. I've got two and a bit months. And I say two and a bit months and I say two and a bit as if I'm going to do anything with that bit like me am I going to be

coming back home with a massive work ethic in me or am I just going to fucking turn my phone off like I said I have been putting notes on my phone though like when stuff that is normally lost to the ether when you're just enjoying your life and living in the moment like fucking when you're not writing your life and living in the moment,

like fucking when you're not writing a show, I have been bringing out the fucking butterfly net and catching the ideas. So I've got, I've got some stuff that I've written here to unpack, but are you not excited? Do you know what she had that process? You're not jealous. You're not jealous that you've got that

fucking bit ahead of you the stress of that I've got people saying to me like Cara's not saying it but like em

Merlina and then some comedians I've been speaking to it's just about taking time off they're like oh man it'll be six weeks

before you get the itch and I'm like you have no idea who I am I've heard that a couple of people as well I think it's going that off a couple of people as well I think it's going to be

a bit bored fucking absolutely no not at all like I I want I look forward to

getting the age back and like and I think I'll go and record here we can do fucking bets people in the fucking discord can place their bets how long until I

like really want to do stand up because you're doing a handful of gigs as well like you say you've got like four so you're gonna get there like i think that'll satiate you're getting up and doing the vicar street show the palladium show uh the one in the in cornwall and i'm doing the croatian thing so so you're gonna because you'll go on to them going oh watch my stuff again, and then remembering it and then being glad you remembered it and people laughing and you're like, oh, yeah, I remember when that was funny once.

You'll get that back and that'll just kind of keep the embers burning enough for it to, like, I think, personally, I reckon I could easily take a year off and do it. I wonder how like, you know, doctors and nurses and like vets and police officers and people who do like really important jobs that keep society going, but are also like super fucking taxing.

Like our jobs Are taxing in a way But they're not If we stopped doing it tomorrow Some people would give a shit But the world wouldn't stop Fucking turning Yeah

Society wouldn't stop Fucking Functioning We're a luxury We're not unimportant We're unimportant For the actual important people Even though

You've got to look at it as like The people who are working Them important jobs Are doing it so that They can watch Stand up and entertainment Yeah absolutely Yeah as like the people who are working them important jobs are doing it so that they can watch stand-up and entertainment yeah absolutely yeah but those people doing those actually important jobs the ones and let's just say for the sake of this fucking argument there's like i mean i'm recognizing your standard nurses and doctors people who are like i'm underpaid i'm overworked but i do this because i fucking love this job and

i think it's super important if you were to give them, I'll give you a set amount of time off. Everything will be fine. Right? We'll cover your wages for a fucking year. How much time do you need off? How many do you think would retire? No, no, no. Retirement's not an option.

How many, if you're a frontline police officer, frontline doctor, all this stuff, how much time off do you need for a full fucking mental reset? And full well, the one or two days that you get. I think one thing you've got to bear in mind. How much time off do you need for a full fucking mental reset? Go and feel well that the one or two days that you get,

I think one thing you've got to bear in mind, how does it compare to ours? I think the, the work, the workplace stress would be so much more than what we have to deal with. So I get, I get that. They'd appreciate the respect,

but to get in a position like that, you're following a dream. Aye. Like that's an actual job that you've got to work hard to get. Aye. So to dismiss the hard work that they've put in to get there I think that I think they take a rest I mean it's hard speaking for somebody else when I know I walk the day in their shoes but I reckon it would be months not years

yeah uh-huh I think it would be like maybe weeks like I reckon like a lot of the doctors I know as much as they would fantasise about fucking maybe two months off or whatever just like that really good need to want to help people but like

like it would be nice in any job like that for somebody to come back and go oh yeah I love teaching I do remember I love teaching I just forgot about that

because I was just so fucking swamped by it in the moment I think you should give everyone That option right You can either have You can either have Like five or six

Two three day Extra holidays Throughout the year You can extend your weekend By two days Six times Throughout the year Or maybe take up to ten

Right Ten times a year You can extend a weekend However long you want or one month of the year completely fucking off completely off yeah so you can have a four-day work week or you can have a what do you say a full month so you can have a four-day week work or an 11 month work yeah let's go to because you get an annual leave as well it should be a four week let's say four week

day work week is standard just because and your annual leave doesn't come into play

with the extra month you get off you just have to pick a month and you've still got annual leave

for the rest of the time what do you reckon most people are thinking I think I would have

when I was working five days a week as standard i think i would have took the month yeah uh-huh you could do more with a month yeah and uh i'd either pick i'd probably pick a summer month you'd pick december probably pick december yeah you'd take that off or January just fucking let everyone else have the miserable month halfway through December to halfway through January come back in two weeks

after everyone else like alright losers what did I fucking miss also happy new year happy new year happy new year that's one thing with our job in fact not just our job

anybody's self-employed you don't get any annual leave yeah there's no annual yeah there's no annual leave there's no sick pay well that was the really interesting bit and natalie started up for a business becoming successful and then just not being allowed to go anywhere i'll fucking teach you for having ambitions wouldn't it let's be five whole days a year it's changed I think

Ideal world for everyone Right You go three day work week Or four day work week Right But Most of those Two of those

Are at home Only two or one Need to be actually in office Let's say one in office Everyone on universal credit Right Standard Which is just a livable wage Yeah And then all wages Are fucking Because everyone's on universal credit standard which is just a livable wage

and then all wages of fucking because everyone's on universal income all wages of jobs are drastically fucking lowered like by tens of thousands because all of it is just for extra income so it's like you're doing it for your luxuries you're working for your

luxuries not your needs so you're happier when you're going to work because you're working for something that you can see. And you go, oh, but how would you do this? And you would be like, you know, if you just taxed the billionaires, it would spread really fucking thinly across the bottom of society. And then you'll get a bunch of people

who make 30 grand a year going, I may be a billionaire once. You're not taking my money and giving it to them. They're just spending it on cigarettes. They're just taking my money and spending it in their shop down the road, which is also getting taxed like if the circle continues because i've always said that like you know if you're giving people money and then they're not working like on benefits in fact even the fact that they call it benefits is gross because it used to be it used to be called incomes

no what is it called um not universal credit and social support support. Social. Support. Oh man, this is about like, it's a shame that it's not just a regular conversation we're having and it's an actual recorded podcast. Anyway, it had a, it had a nicer name that suggested this. I'm fucking,

I'm, I'm screaming at the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it had a nice name that just suggested you are being supported by society. Right. And now it's a benefit had a nice name that just suggested you are being supported in spy society right and now it's a benefit and then Like screw you're screaming at them people for like fucking being on it when actually that

I'm just repeat me selling in my high Certainly sounds like it. I don't think I'm high I don't think I'm high. You're not smoking today. Nah. Not a bit, not a drop. Just high by osmosis. I'm literally not drunk, not high,

doing what we're talking about again in the middle of talking. I'm talking about getting universal credit working. Just because I think that I do agree that like the rich people managed to convince us like all these people need to, they're not working to live and it's like oh man that shouldn't be the standard you shouldn't have to work to live you should just be allowed to fucking live and also if you are living and doing nothing to benefit

society we are allowed to go on those fucking layabouts fucking pieces of shit but you don't want to be in their shoes because they're not going on holiday they don't have nice things they don't have a nice car they don't have and if they do shoes because they're not going on holiday. They don't have nice things. They don't have a nice car. They don't have, like, and if they do,

it's at the compromise of their food. Yeah. How much? How much do you give them? How much do you give them? Universal credit. To, to stop,

to stop people going on, like I've just said to go on, um, give them fucking tokens that they can spend give my house give them 50 grand a year 50 grand yeah you're so out of touch it's a great year if you're a family a family of four five this is how it's probably it's probably like i reckon my parents would have had to work for fucking three years to get that kind of money well working back in the 60s 70s 50 grand a year now i'm yeah you're really 50 grand a year is a really good qualified salary daniel a double income house at the moment is is in the middle

class families about 100 i reckon i reckon you're talking about like minimum wage you're talking about covering people's people's needs at the moment people have 30 grand that's not enough to live off 30 grand

like I guess they're paying for a mortgage and that if I've given them a free house I'll take that on board nah

I think you're way out of touch with what people can get by on when your regular guy just goes

out and works like in the fucking like just whatever sweeping the streets or in the factory or lollipop man lady like fucking whoever you're talking about is making 11 pounds an hour

and then they're going to get their first 12 grand tax free and they're probably not going to get their first 12 grand tax free and they're probably not going to make much more than that I feel like I'm

a little bit out of touch it's been a fucking long time since I've been in that world but the minimum wage is 11 do 11 times 37 times 52 and

that's what your minimum wage person's getting average income yeah it's okay so yeah it's okay So yeah It's 30 grand A year

That is 30 grand Yeah Ha There you go I knew I was right That can't be right Because I was on nowhere Near that

And minimum wage Hasn't went up that much It's gone up a bit But yeah Like And Minimum wage At 30 grand

Is not Enough For most people To fucking live an actual life on nowadays. I didn't know minimum wage was 30 grand. So if you give somebody a house and still give them like a job that pays 50 grand. If you want to put a gun to my head and say, what does a minimum wage person get? Yeah, I thought it was like 15 grand. No, not 30.

I'm glad because i'm doing wrong i'll concede when i'm out of touch but i was like times are hard now and people are running more because inflation is fucking shitty inflation is quite shitty because the price of a freddo isn't what it used to be and they are becoming that yeah well that but that's what it is like i've like nobody nobody's got richer even though it's 30 grand and maybe i've been the one out of touch like because i would have been making 12 grand or whatever when i was working uh so it has doubled since i was in that life but the fucking costs of life have more than doubled so everyone's got poorer than what i was when i was on that money yeah so what would you give them how's 50 grand a year if if it's if it's just like a base income just for to put you up whatever whatever that fucking minimum wage cost of living is but then again

everybody has to get it right so that when you work a minimum wage job on top of that you're doubling your income and you're going to be on 60 grand that's what you're asking would would that be plausible financially if we're capped billionaires at a billion and and the rest of their billions go into the pot and they get their prestige points like what we talked about on a previous podcast, that would be absolutely available. Very achievable.

And then some. How many people would just not work? Would society work? Let's think of it like on the larger scheme. There'd be a lot of people that would just go oh cool i can have a simple life i don't have much more needs other than my basic needs for food for my family and those people can do the bonus jobs that are like research and journalism but would you would you not would you not get the like knock on effect of, now you want to go to the shop and buy a meal deal, right?

But there's nobody working at the shop. There's nobody working in the factory packing the sandwiches. There's nobody, like all the lines of industry that got that meal deal from the people making the plastic bottles, like to you, there's just so many holes in that lane that that now you can't get that so the price of that rises and now all of a sudden no it goes down because all of a sudden the meal deal is like 15 quid all the cutting up all the everything is done by machines which is instead of like 60 people doing it so we're seen by four

people like it does mean giving into automation and stuff but at the moment we're seen by four people like it does mean giving in to automation and stuff but at the moment we're giving in to automation so that companies become richer. The thing that fucked me off the other day back in the UK and that is disgraceful. Went through a big shop right, came to about 120 quid right, it's going to lastから

Social security it's called social security there you go get out and it goes do you want your receipt and I'm like no I don't want my receipt Social security. It's called social security. Social security, there you go. Get out. And he goes, do you want your receipt? And I'm like, no, I don't want my receipt. I don't want a random fucking bit of paper.

It's just going to get lost in a bag and thrown in a fucking bin. I'm fine. So don't take my receipt and just leave it there. Go out. And there's a fucking gate that you need to scan a fucking barcode on your receipt to get out. And it's like, absolutely not. If shoplifting's that bad increase the minimum wage but you don't get to do this to everyone else you don't get to be like oh man there's no way there's no other way to solve the crime in the area there's no way to stop people

stealing necessary items uh because they can't afford it so we're just gonna make oh where was this yeah because i saw um like a inspirational quote type meme saying if you saw they can't afford it so we're just gonna make oh where was this Sainsbury's I fucking Sainsbury's yeah cause I saw like a inspirational quote type meme saying if you and I did enjoy it

cause it said if you see someone stealing food no you didn't yeah like in different if someone's stealing food

you're not grasping on them nah morally wrong mm this is my food aye in which case I mean actually fine I'm is my food Aye In which case I mean actually fine

Have my food I'll get Aye I'll get over it Pretty fucking quick I've Been shown like a Erm An algorithm

On my fucking reels Which is like Eh Guys And their girlfriends Going out for food right

and the girl will order one thing and the guy will order something else and it's just the girl obviously and he's filming and the girl's like

what do you get and he'll tell her and she's like oh I got this and he's like cool is it nice and she's like yeah

and the girl always eventually wants a bite of the guys and he's like well why don't you fucking get it and the whole thing is like oh why can't women just pick what they want and like man you know share

something with your partner is that one of the benefits of being in a fucking relationship is the fact that like you both get two different meals and you're like oh that one's dead good this one's dead good why don't we try bits of each other oh you prefer this one that's fine i can stomach that one yeah i'll i'll work, like, and I get this from Natalie, I don't think, I've done this previously, but like, I'm all on board with it,

is you workshop which two meals you're going to get between you. Yeah. And try them both. Like, even something like fucking ice cream, if you've got a particular favourite flavour, I can't imagine a world where I'm not sharing my favourite flavour

of ice cream with my wife. That's just one of those fucking odd things. I occasionally get shown of relationship reels. And I think it's the opposite of what Tinder is. For people who were in relationships when Tinder came out were always like, Can I see it? Can I see it? Can I just see what it looks like can i go on your tendency because because it was this new thing and they're never going to experience where there's reels of insecure people in relationships and talking about things that they get wound up in relationships i'm like thank god i'm

not there man yeah there's there's so many like memes and reels that just don't land with us because it doesn't make any sense to us. Anything to do with fucking jealousy and loyalty and trust and all that, you're just like, all right. I guess these guys have got a fucking struggle on their hands that I'm not part of. Do you reckon you could still pull? Could I?

Aye. I reckon that... I would have no motivation so that would cut me that would get in my way for one but like i do feel like i have a lot to offer so i would i wouldn't consider myself unpolable i don't know how like as with what you were saying earlier like how in touch with everything are you

in the world and current events and like in terms of like memes and stuff like all the funny stuff on the internet I reckon if I were to go out on a date

I would be way more fucking boring to talk to them unless unless we were able to just stay on stand up it would be so like you know like and by the way when I talk about stand up as everyone on this podcast is aware to do anything unless we were able to just stay on stand-up. It would be so,

like, you know, like, say... And by the way, when I talk about stand-up, as everyone on this podcast is aware, it does get fucking boring. So again, am I realistically now,

like, sure, minor celebrity, right, successful, right, if we throw those things to the side, which you can,

am I a good date by itself now? Yeah, I think it would make it interesting but it would make you out of touch this isn't fucking proved the conversation that we just had completely out of touch with the fucking real world because we haven't had a normal job for 15 15 plus years you actually were devastated man of the people this is the man of the people here Fucking I haven't had a proper normal

Job work life Balance for fucking 15 years Been on a fucking in a 2L bubble For 2 years Been in a parent bubble for 2 years I've got nothing I think it would be interesting Like you're looking at something in a parent bubble for two years. God, man, I've got nothing. It would, like, I think it would be interesting,

like, you're looking at something in a zoo rather than interested in this compatibility. I'll just say, what the fuck is this human being in front of us? What's your story? I'm intrigued, but... I used to have a joke that I could never get fucking working, but I do, it's very funny that it's now come true in my older age. I was like 21, 22 when I was doing it,

which is like people in relationships are like lions or like predators in a zoo watching all the people go past being like man if I was out there I'd be fucking hunting everyone down smash that but if you release any

captive predator into the world they die within three fucking days get back in the cage and that is exactly what people in relationships are like I am very much a lion that's like what a kushti life I have in this 10 by 19 square

I don't need much more I've got my little drippy pool there I've got my lovely ball there people bring me two meals a day I roar on cue with pleasure lovely ball there people bring me two meals a day aye we're on cue with pleasure if I could like look at

look into a crystal ball and see a world where I was single again like I'd smash that crystal ball and pretend I didn't look at it

I'd be like oh no here's the thing if 21 or 22 or 23 year old me were to turn up and hear me talking like this

he'd be so fucking devastated and I'd be looking at him being like why do you think I give a fuck what you think you 23 year old

piece of shit I know exactly who you are like man your opinion is worthless to me and you'd be with like

a new date and every time they try to plan something you'd be like instinctively going to ring your wife to try and organise the plans I don't need a second opinion I've relied on the second opinion for fucking so long Instinctively going to ring your wife to try and organise the plants.

How do I need a second opinion? I've relied on the second opinion for fucking so long. Come back from the date that I've got nobody to debrief with. I'm just fucking sad there. Keep ringing your ex-wife and that. Phone Jean up for old time's sake. Oh God, poor Jean. If I ever got divorced,

they might probably be on the phone to her. Poor Eric. Same fucking... My wife be on the phone to her. Poor Eric. Same fucking... My wife's on the phone to Daniel again. No, no, no. He doesn't say much. He just cries. I don't think she'll take him back. It's so funny that

the other night, might have even been last night, I was lying right on the edge of the bed and I was like, oh, this is kind of cute. I'm lying on the edge of the bed like I want it home because like my wife and my dog take up a lot of the bed

and I've just to come to that and I was like oh no man it's because of the fucking tour bus it's literally because of the tour bus because I've never had that in hotels before all the way through marriage but after the tour bus like I've just kind of been

cuddling up on like the fucking the smallest bit of bed still shocked how good a sleep that was

it was such a good sleep and I think that's why I've been emulating it it's like you're camped

in um all right we'll go do a show in Houston for anyone becoming

in Texas this week thank you so much there are still some tickets left for LA and there are

a couple for the early show in Washington. Awesome. And my tour is on sale. So just buy tickets for that so I can be more inspired to write it.

Which I feel like it's going to be good. I am motivated. And you know how I can tell I'm motivated of being doing all the other stuff like going to the gym. Oh, he's gone.

He clocked off the podcast a minute ago. I'll see you soon.