Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Two-wokeyo Cucks
Episode Date: April 6, 2019The third instalment in the "Two Woke Cucks" series, Daniel seizes the opportunity to make a podcast with regular guest Cameron James while Kai is out selling his body for baccy. If you enjoyed Ep2.35... "Two Woke Cucks" and Ep.2.36 "2 Woke Cucks 2 Furious" this is for you.
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Sloss and Humphreys on the road!
Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream
And that's our intro
Fucking muggles!
Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh
Woohoo!
They said it can't be done!
Are we in the same seats?
That's hack
Ah, muggles!
Accidental rim job in the park
Kiss kiss kiss
Or am I just being cynical?
Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia!
Where have you been since 9-11?
Hi boys and girls
and welcome to another classic episode
of Two Woke Cucks where
well, as the name suggests
I, Woke Cuck, and my good friend
Cameron James, also of
Woke Cuckery. Oh, very much a Woke Cuck.
Thank you very much, Daniel.
I am aware of all of the
privilege that I have while also enjoying
watching my wife being railed by several men that are not me because that's the ultimate
sign of openness i just like to clean up after i like to kind of i let her have her fun with the
fellas i pop my head in every now and then can i get anyone anything some cheese some electrolytes
any gatorades and then i go because look hey they're going to
be going on it for a while yeah and it's you want it to keep going yeah well she's pent up she hasn't
come the whole time we've been married so yeah yeah so it's you're doing her a favor it's the
ultimate stroke of feminism thank you and speaking of stroke of feminism I stroke it to the idea of feminism. Tell you what, I've masturbated over every single Jermaine Greer book.
Even on rape?
Jermaine Greer, isn't she a feminist that feminists hate?
Yeah, they've turned on her.
She is an example of old school feminism, what, second wave or something?
So they think that she's not up to date
I don't understand
the waves of feminism
as far as I'm
and correct me if I'm wrong
which obviously
being a white man
I always am
yep
but second wave feminism
it's like
that's like the second generation
of Pokemon
like everyone prefers
the first 150 feminists
yes it's the evolution
and then
then the second generation
golden silver feminists
came out
which was fine
you know there was some good new ones.
That's okay.
But then by the time you get to 450,
it's like, I can't remember the name of them all.
It's like, I'm just going to remember every,
just tell me who to like.
Tell me who I'm supposed to agree with.
Who's this generation's Pikachu?
Exactly.
Because Lena Dunham,
she got outed as well.
No one likes her anymore either.
Well, yeah.
Lena Dunham's always been an,
because there was that thing where,
I don't know much
about Lena Dunham
but every time she trends
I'm just like
I'm just going to get
this shit
what is she doing now
it's just every single
like
Lena Dunham
just as far as I can tell
has the coldest take
on anything
I know
like whenever there's
a social commentary
I just imagine her
going up to a freezer
with oven gloves on
being like
oh
fresh out of the freezer
here's my opinion.
Icy, cold, and irrelevant.
Did you see on Twitter, I saw that she got a neck tattoo
that just says sick.
Just the word sick.
Like she's a fucking snowboarder or something.
Yeah, she's like sick.
She's got gnarly written on her test.
It's fucking great though, dude.
But no, yeah, it's okay.
That's what we are.
For those of you listening at home, we are two incredibly woke cucks who are happy to discuss the issues of the day.
And then also apologize for everything.
Can we start with our traditional apology for everything?
Yeah.
Sorry for being white.
Sorry for being a man.
Sorry for being a white man.
Oh, God, yes.
Because even separately they're bad, but when combined.
It's awful.
It's what we've done.
Sorry for being straight.
Sorry for being straight.
Look, don't get me wrong.
Every week I try, once they're done fucking my wife I suck their dick
just to see if it's doing
and I just
and I'm so bigoted
that
I'm a homophobe
I can't do
every time I suck
the dick of the man
who's fucked my wife
how many of these dicks
do you suck
I mean
how long is a piece of string
I mean
how thick's a dick
every time
and it's just
I'm just trying to get more work but just my inbuilt homophobia
yeah sucking a dick doesn't do anything so i'm sorry for being straight uh again sorry for being
straight and white sorry for being straight it's just it's all these combinations of things that
that make it worse you know what i mean yeah it's in the venn diagram of scum i'm a circle i can't
you're in perfect circle i'm a perfect sorry sorry for saying that you're
perfect you're obviously not you're imperfect we're all imperfect yeah um i'd also like to
apologize to anyone who has to listen to this oh yeah yeah and there's an apology i genuinely stand
by that should always be I think at this point
in the podcast
they're very aware
the apologies are given
up top
like it's
they just
they just assume
we're sorry for it
I feel like they're
listening to this
as some form of penance
for some shit
that they've done
in a previous life
they're like
oh god
I gotta listen to the
work cucks again
the one thing I find
about the listeners
of this podcast
and it's one thing
I do like
is a lot of them are ashamed that they like it.
And I really like that because
I do not want this podcast to
become popular. That would be
a nightmare because I say
plenty of things on this podcast
that I don't agree with and purely
for the sake of parody
a new one and a lot of it's lost
and it would be lost in a new listening.
Because if you haven't
listened to all episodes
of the previous episodes
of Two Woke Cacks
you would have no idea
what the fuck this is
if you're like
oh Sloss has a podcast
oh cool
I'll check it out
I'm not quite sure
who the target of this is
is he making fun
of Woke Cacks
or is he making fun
of people that are
and I don't know either
because my target
my like
the crosshairs
swing wildly i'm taking shots at myself i'm taking shots at actual people all of these men are taking
loads of shots at my wife yeah and i'm taking shots you know um i'm just you know it's it's i
think it's one of the most romantic things my relationship is when i go after they're done with
my wife and i just go in there with the windscreen wiper,
you know, the one squeegee that you get snowed.
And just...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't just hose her off straight away.
And why would you?
She's your wife.
You love her.
She deserves it.
I go in with a spray bottle
like I'm a homeless guy at Traffic Lights tonight.
And I shake a cup
and all the men put a couple of dollars in.
And I squeegee down my wife i mean there's a new topic in the window and they're not making eye contact i know they can
see me i know they can see me like i'm not like you can't make eye contact with me and they pretend
you don't see me like that's not oh i mean i'm just gonna do it anyway yeah it's so frustrating when they do that and they spray their like
shitty dirty water all over your car and you're like oh well now what do i have to pay you for
making my car dirtier this is one of like um you know you get a lot in america like the homelessness
in la is fuck all of of America it's appalling
like it's
you know
you think
because we've got
homeless problems
in Scotland
like a little bit
but compared to America
it's nothing man
they do not give a
shit about
anyone that served
their country
oh yeah
veterans
so they come up
and they're squeaking
the thing
and he's just like
the evil part
he's like
I don't
my car does that
yeah
I need you to put
fair enough
yeah
here you go
roll time then
have you been to San Francisco
I have yeah
there's a huge homeless
like problem there
because apparently
that was the only city
that allowed
that doesn't have
vagrancy
laws
so pretty much
word got around
America
like hey
you can sleep on the street
in Sanan and no
one will arrest and then all these privileged white homeless men turned up to san francisco
took the took the jobs homeless jobs away from the to correct me if i'm wrong to gentrify it
yes to gentrify it with tents well that's what it feels like it's happening there i mean last
time i was there i looked around i said this city used to be cool. Yeah. And now it's supes cool.
Would any of you homeless vets like to fuck my wife?
And they all loved it.
They loved it.
Yeah.
Because that, look, I haven't read a lot of feminist books, but I'm pretty sure, you know,
the way to smash, to fuck the patriarchy is to fuck the patriarchy.
That's not exactly the...
Well, I don't know.
You're from a matriarchy from the UK.
And do you have to eat the Queen's pussy?
I think it's a lot like conscription.
If she were to call up, then I would have to.
You'd have to do it.
But as a Scotsman, I would probably...
Are you a separatist?
Yeah, I wouldn't even look a stamp
so I'm not
I'm not
I just
that's why I don't
post things
yeah
yeah yeah
every time
every time
I'm like
I'm gonna post this
like this
post package
to my
god kids
and they come in
and they've got the stamps
and I'm like
well
looks like they're not
getting birthday presents I am not you could use pre-cum though
oh yeah just wipe it on the head of your dick and slap it down
you get the pre-stuck ones too but yeah i prefer pre-cum to pre-stuck i always have
so are you actually that is a good question are you anti-queen
anti-monarchy
I am yeah
I'm so fucking low there
yeah
I'm not
it's very difficult
because I'm actually not
like I think the queen herself
is actually
I've got nothing against her
as a person
man she's a fucking cool egg
like she's
she's never really done anything
herself that's ever
fucking pissed me off
and I can say that
for a fair bit
of the fucking royal family
like directly
they've never done anything
but I'm also just like can't fuck off like I don say that for a fair bit of the fucking royal family like directly they've never done anything but I'm also just like
gan fuck off
like I don't
I don't need you
like it's such an
do you pay their wages
aye
oh yeah yeah yeah
she's got the tax
they work for you
yeah yeah
and they're public servants
we're in the fucking crisis
so you know
you'll get fucking
Tories
and it would be like
oh but what they do
for tourism
and I'm like
fucking if they were all dead
the castle's still there
well that's it
nobody's coming to see the queen
I guess some people are
they're coming to see
where the queen is
yeah
I think some people
love that shit
but I mean
I went to your country
your beautiful country
last year for the first time
and
I would go to that
fucking country
if
I didn't give
there was no queen
or king
I'm just like
I'm looking at old buildings
it's beautiful
look at the castles dungeons where people were tortured giving me
ideas yeah for what i want these men to do to me after they fuck my wife yeah just different ways
they can tie me up yeah hold my eyes open they put me in a cage they put a big metal like it's
almost like a shell over the top of the cage and then they light fire underneath it and I'm cooking in there
and I'm jerking off
and it feels fantastic
I loved it
I loved Edinburgh
it was fucking beautiful
yeah
oh yeah
because it was your first time
there wasn't it
did you go anywhere else
to Scotland
or was it just Edinburgh
I went all around really
I went up to
as north as Inverness
and then I went to
the Isle of Skye
Glasgow it was great
i had the best time ever yeah and you left you just can't hold my best i did leave
the ultimate which is fine look as a woke cuck yeah yeah it was a power play
it was a power play along with kindness so So basically, I was away. I was immediately on tour.
And I offered you my place to stay.
Very nice of you.
Thank you.
And instead of giving you the fucking spare room or whatever,
I just have my fucking bedroom.
Okay, truth be told, I did not sleep in your room.
I slept in the spare room.
But my wife slept in your room.
We're separate.
And that's where they were all fucking at.
No, we slept in the spare room.
We didn't fuck in your bed.
Oh, you should have.
Back time someone did.
Well, back time I did, to be honest.
Everyone's fucking my wife.
Everyone else.
Well, I mean, and that's, you could sit, your bedroom is big enough.
You've got a room off your room, so you could sit in that other room while they fuck your wife.
Yeah, yeah.
Sometimes if the guy who's fucking my wife is shy, I just sit with my ear
to the door with a cup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or sometimes,
or sometimes it's two cups
attached by a bit of string
and it goes under the door
and I just hold it to my ear
and occasionally,
like I don't have to have it
there all the time.
I'll just be, you know,
I'll be reading
my Jermaine Greer books
and I'll feel the tugging.
It's like, you know,
when you're fishing
and if the line goes taut
it means that she wants
to moan down the phone to me
okay
that's nice
it is
that's romantic
as we connect
yeah
so yeah
I did not sleep in your bed
or fuck in your bed
but I did
you did fuck your wife
in my house
and then leave a used condom
on my bed
in absolute display of dominance
and the worst thing
was because
because I went in
there and I was
like right
like this
because now it's
the game of
this real come
what do you think
well because
Heidi
because the gamble
to check is too
much of an
age
like
like
Heidi
the only way
like upon it's the only thing i can actually use is eyesight
because sure if it's not come and i feel it and i smell it and i taste i'm like oh you know
it's not but if it is i know it's not a place i was willing to play it was such a gum i saw
held it to the light like you're inspecting a banknote or something.
This was forged.
I was just sitting there with my fucking bickering, my safety sticks.
Oh, my God.
Just like all those stock images of Cypher.
I won't say if it was real or not.
But it was a last minute decision as I was leaving.
Well, no, while my wife was sleeping, I squeegeeded it into her so if she's pregnant in the next couple of months
then um that's that's great that's thank you i'd love to
but i don't want to fuck your wife i want you to raise my child but i am not fucking your wife
i wouldn't dream of it no no no. Is that woke if two dudes
like
wife swap?
Is that woke?
Um,
I get,
hmm,
well it depends
on what your definition
of fucking
woke is.
Like I think woke is,
well there's many
different types
of fucking woke.
Yeah.
But I think it's like,
I think ultimate woke
is her body,
her choice.
If she wants,
Yeah. I think ultimate woke is her body, her choice. If she wants. Yeah.
I think ultimate woke is to listen to women and never say anything ever.
Yeah.
That's.
I keep my mouth shut.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I only open it for one reason.
It's like the most woke people in the world are mute.
Yes.
Yeah.
There's not a woke community than the mime community.
Feminists love mime the only problem is sometimes
a mime will do that thing where they act out a woman's curves yeah where they like move their
hands in a curvy motion and that's that's not what oh no no that's just that's hand-based patriarchy
yeah yeah yeah because you know all women are you know, all women are beautiful. All men, all sizes are beautiful.
Even though we all know.
All creeds, colors, religions are beautiful.
Except white men.
Except white men.
Yeah, obviously.
Sorry, I can't believe I forgot that.
I can't believe I forgot that.
So sorry.
Sorry, everyone.
Sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
I have a question for you.
Please.
Do you have an acknowledgement
of country
at the start of your show
I do
I do
so well
it's not my choice
it's something
Melbourne Comedy Festival
I don't want to say
the words make you do
because
it sounds like
I don't want it
to sort of happen
I'm not from Australia
I know the history of it
but
so basically
for international listeners
before the show
there's about
a 30 second
clip that you have for the Melbourne Comedy Festival where it's sort of uh it's acknowledging the
yeah the indigenous population that the australian population absolutely fucking genocided for so
long and then had a you know their celebratory and you know we were not taught that we committed
genocide that's really really until recently so i only realized that it was genocide. Really? Really. Until recently. Really? So I only realized that it was genocide,
probably in my mid to late teens.
So you think you just turned up at the Aboriginal,
like, we'll just all move to the centre.
That is what we were taught.
Really?
There were photos in textbooks when I was a kid
of the ships arriving,
and the Indians just being like,
ah, the white ship is waving great it's like backing them in like
they're parking finally western culture it is insane it's insane we were barely taught anything
until you know when i was in year seven or eight or something this movie rabbit proof fence came
out about um like the stolen generation. A lot of,
uh,
indigenous kids were removed from their families.
Oh yeah,
the stolen generation.
Do you remember what the stolen generation,
because I only found out about the stolen generation about two years ago,
and it's one of the most fucked things.
And it happened,
and this is recently,
recently.
Yeah,
yeah.
It is recently,
recently.
It's like within the last 30 years.
There was electricity.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Like,
it was,
people who were alive during this are still alive.
It's,
yeah,
it's really horrible
so basically
yeah indigenous
children were
taken from their
communities from
their families and
adopted into
white families in
the cities with
the intention
that indigenous
Australians would
be eventually
bred out
through white
washing
yeah it's just
you have sex with
this white person
and we're slowly
going to basically,
we're going to
over milk this coffee.
Yes,
exactly.
This was a government
mandated thing.
Yeah,
I don't,
oh God,
I don't know if it was
government mandated.
I don't want to get it wrong
but probably.
I mean,
it feels like it was.
Yeah,
I've seen your fucking government.
Our government is,
oh my God,
did you see that tweet
Fraser Anning did the other day?
Do you know Fraser Anning?
Fraser Anning,
the fucking cunt, the cunt company got egged after he said some
fucking horrible things about the christian shooting yes he tweeted two days ago um we
have the right to preserve our ethno-cultural identity europeans are heading towards becoming
a minority in their own countries around the world we have a right to defend our people
and our way of life which is stolen generation language he's great yeah and so that's the australian also being
european um i don't know if you know this but i have he's he's he's spot on i'm full muslim now
are you really yeah yeah like uh it's i we've obviously i'm gonna say overrun in scotland
but uh there is sex. Okay.
And we've just all decided to assimilate.
He's right.
It's easier, I guess.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I watch American politicians say all the time,
just talking about how there's this Muslim takeover of the UK.
And as a Scotsman, you're just sitting there being like,
part of me gets really black.
Maybe the Muslims don't want Scotland.
I keep reading all these things about how they're taking over Europe and there's entire areas of the UK where white people can't go.
And I'm sad they've been like, where?
Where are they?
What's wrong with us?
What's wrong with our country?
Your country's beautiful.
If I was going to take over any country, I'd take over Scotland.
Beautiful country.
Yeah, it's great.
It's perfect for my colouring as well
this might sound
as with most of
the things I say
this might sound
fucking ignorant
but I've always
sort of believed
like Scotland
obviously does have
racism in the same way
that every fucking
country in South Wales
has racism
but I think a lot
of the time
I don't really
see it too much
in fucking Scotland
because I don't go
to football games
and I'm white
but a lot of the time it's the cultures we get too much in fucking Scotland because I don't go to football games and I'm white. But a
lot of the time it's the colleges we go to, large Indian and Pakistani immigrants coming
over, but they've got such good food and Scottish food is some shit. So basically I think a
lot of Scottish people just didn't have time to develop racism because all these immigrants
came over and were like, look at these fucking, is that napkins?
That smells good. What is that isn't that great that smells good
what is that
they've not deep fried it
the fuck is this
they're the only people
that stay up until
three in the morning
to feed us
because no Scottish
chippy stays open
until fucking 3am
because we're all
like drinking
the only people that
stay awake until
3am to feed us
are the immigrant population
that sort of come in
and they're not even
immigrant anymore
like the third generation Scottish people at point um but they just fucking stay up
yeah so i just i think you know again i'm not gonna say they'll be like scott is not racist
because i don't know sure but uh from you know i i just think we're just too we're too fat and lazy
when i went to uh edinburgh I asked for some food recommendations from your friend,
Jean,
our friend.
Oh yeah.
And everywhere she recommended was Thai or Indian
or something like that.
And I was like,
no,
no,
no.
What's the Scottish?
And she was like,
Oh,
don't eat any Scottish.
When you go to Scotland,
what you have to do is you just have to,
you've got to try the stuff with like deep fried pizzas for normal.
That's what one thing she recommended.
And I did not have it.
But I did have a deep fried Mars bar.
It's not that great, is it?
No.
Awful.
I got diarrhea later that day.
Deep fried Mars bar isn't that good.
No, Scottish people don't even like deep fried Mars bar.
It's just something that somebody did once.
Yeah.
Deep fried ice cream's good.
Oh, yeah.
But it's like,
I look like my wife on a Sunday morning
just because I spill it everywhere.
It's just all down my tits.
And by that I mean I feel empowered.
Yeah, of course.
You feel beautiful and satisfied and empowered.
It glazed like a donut.
I had haggis.
Haggis.
Did you enjoy it?
I loved it.
Haggis is delicious.
I fucking loved it.
It's this fucking thing that, again, it's another very Scottish thing.
Haggis isn't disgusting.
We just describe it in a disgusting way
to fuck with
American tourists
and it works
because I bought
into that
the amount of
fucking yanks
that have been like
oh my god
isn't haggis just like
like sheep intestines
and you're like
what do you think
a fucking hot dog is
every sausage is
intestine
and also
unlike sausages
you don't eat
the skin that
haggis comes in
you don't eat you just eat theggis comes in you don't eat
you just eat
the fucking mince
on the inside
oh it's so good
it's genuinely delicious
it was delicious
Americans will
Americans will
like
will be at
fucking baseball games
eating hot dogs
made out of
exclusively pig's arseholes
and they'll be like
I've never tried haggis
I'm like
alright
okay cool
you fucking
psycho oh man it was fucked up it was a dry haggis I'm like alright okay cool you fucking psycho
oh man
it was fucked up
it was
I ate so much
I ate so much
I ate so much haggis
I put on so much
fucking weight
from potatoes
and shit
yeah yeah yeah
Scotland
I do
there's some
good dishes
we just do
fucking junk food
very well
the hoagie wrap
is something
I should have reminded you.
And it's basically, this is the, this is why there's an Indian place in Leven called Real Spice.
Shout out to any fucking five-bytes.
No, fucking, the family that ran fucking Real Spice, they just had to deal with drunken stone teenagers every fucking day.
Like, they'd come over for whatever part of India I think they were like I think the grandparents right were the immigrants but the other ones
they came over their kids and their grandkids were born in Scotland so it's a Scottish family yeah
right they've got the fucking visa they're a Scottish family yeah but they're of Indian
fucking background I mean they're in leave which is a scummy fucking part of Fife and they've been
running this amazing fucking takeaway Indian thing
until three in the morning.
And they just fully adapted to what Scotland was.
Because you know chicken korma is not a real thing.
Masala is not a real Indian dish.
Yeah, like body chicken.
They invented all of this shit for white people.
Yeah, big time.
You can't get it over there.
No, no.
If you go over to India and you're like,
can I get a korma?
They're like, what the fuck are you doing?
No, no. We do real curries. Like real actual fucking thing. big time you can't get it over there no no if you go over to India and you're like can I get a corn where they're like what the fuck are you doing no no
we do real curries
like real actual
fucking thing
the one at
fucking Real Spice
in Scotland
took it to a new level
they just
they saw the drunk
teenagers coming in
underage drinking
every day
the stoners like myself
coming in every fucking day
and they invented
a thing called
the hoagie wrap
and what it is
is it's a big
fucking bit of naan bread
doner meat
chips
cheese chilli sauce garlic sauce and they wrap is it's a big fucking bit of naan bread, doner meat, chips, cheese, chili sauce, garlic sauce, and they wrap it.
It's thicker than your wrist, and it's about this long.
Oh, my God.
And it's one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten.
Oh, that would fuck me up.
If you cut it in half, it looks exactly like your arteries after eating it.
It's an awe.
And every day you'd fucking walk in there and they would just
because they're so used to it you'd walk in and they'd see your eyes and they'd go
well i had a yorkie wrap a yorkie you know a yorkie oh i don't know what the fuck it's like
a yorkshire pudding thing and so it's wrapped with like meat in it yeah yeah
and it was
I'd never fucking
heard of it
but I saw it at
some pub like
in Inverness
and I was like
yeah give me that
thing that looks
like a burrito
but it's all
bread and like
carvery meat
was it good
it was fucking
great but I was
I didn't shit
for three days
yeah yeah
there's like
one of the things
you have to learn
about fucking
eating a lot
in Scotland
is that once
you eat a lot
of Scottish food,
if you take a shit,
if you kick that shit,
it will not break.
Oh, dude.
They come out so dense.
I was either diarrhea or not shitting for days.
It was,
there was no in between.
There was never a normal shit.
Every fart's a gamble as well.
Exactly.
Exactly.
It's,
it's,
yeah,
the next morning is like your own personal vegas
it's just you're in bed you're like this is gonna be a really satisfying far
or a very horrible clean up it's one or the other oh this ties into the um welcome to country thing
right the acknowledgement of country i um so yeah, just to wrap that up,
as you were saying,
we have to have those
at the start of our shows here.
Yeah, to acknowledge
the fucking genocide.
That we have stolen
the land of the indigenous.
Yeah, you've necked off them.
Yeah.
And then you're like,
but we put on one of their plays
and you're like, not enough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stop celebrating the night.
Hey, but this 30 second clip at the start of my show, that should make up for it.
Yeah.
Because, look, it's 30 seconds at the start of each show.
Yes.
So that's 20 shows.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm not good at math, but I think that's about an hour.
Kinds.
Yeah.
A thousand shows.
Mm-hmm.
Again, not good at math, but that's about 50 years worth of, like, saws.
Yeah, that's true. So 50 years worth of, like, saws is.
Yeah, that's true.
So 50 years worth of saws is in a month.
That's a lot.
Yeah, it's a lot of saws.
We're getting there.
Yeah.
You know what?
Excessive, some might say.
Yeah.
In fact, maybe let's dial it down.
Maybe the last five shows we don't play it.
No.
So I had to.
I'm very grateful that the fringe in Edinburgh doesn't have to do that
because look
where would you stop?
if an England one happened
they'd be like that would be the show
I know
it would just be this 90 minute
apology of just like
sorry to India
sorry to a third of the world
also the technicality
the australia thing was also us because there's no such thing as australians we sent them over
they did the genocide we're like not english not english they're australian now let's just give
them a federation so they can so we can be divorced from the genocide so check this out i
had to mc i had to host this this is the stage i'm at in my career you you
were um you're at a stage in your career where you have netflix specials i'm at a stage in my
career where i am hosting um corporate events great sometimes doing corporate gigs and stuff
like that do you want to sit no i don't wear a suit but But I've, you know, I'm not complaining. Anyway, so I had to host this thing.
It was like a town council fair day when there's a big stage and bands and stuff would come on.
And I had to just host that stage.
Anyway, it's fine.
They did an acknowledgement to country at the start.
And this indigenous guy called Uncle Lloyd came out and did it.
And as he was doing his wonderful acknowledgement of country
they were setting up some stuff behind him on the stage and i was like what the fuck is this and i
looked down at the schedule and it was a hot dog eating contest that was coming on next and so as
he was doing his thing these 10 kids kind of came on stage and sat down and they piled up all these
fucking hot dogs and i could see him getting distracted by it and they kind of came on stage and sat down and they piled up all these fucking hot dogs and i could see him
getting distracted by it and they kind of like finished it and walked off to the side of the
stage and then i had to run on stage with the microphone and go give it up for uncle lloyd for
the acknowledgement for country and now ladies and gentlemen it's the hot dog eating contest
and everyone was like yeah like screaming shit and these kids had to eat hot dogs and then um one of them spewed all over the
table and shit like projectile vomited all over the other people's hot dogs and i could just see
the the uncle lloyd just standing like what what the fuck is wrong with my country
what the fuck is wrong with it and then as they were cleaning up the spew post hot dog contest,
the mayor of that area had to come on and give a speech where she again thanked Uncle Lloyd
and thanked the indigenous community for everything.
While they were just literally squeak.
I lent them my squeegee for my wife.
They were squeegeeing vomit off the stage.
And I really did go, wow, this is our country.
We will apologize and then again
take advantage of our western privilege we'll apologize and learn nothing as is the australian
way yes you've been coming here for a long time have you noticed any changes in our um culture
over the last few years um no i always sort of feel like because for so many years i actually
thought austral Australia was more
liberal than it was
because the first time
I came over here, you
had a prime minister
who was openly female
and an atheist.
Yes.
That was pretty cool.
What was her name?
Julie Gillard.
Yeah.
Now, I don't mean
about policies, but to
like someone across
the fucking sea, I was
like, oh, you're
telling me
that there's a fucking
chick who doesn't
believe in God
and Australia
voted that in
oh we didn't vote her in
did you not
no she got in
through a spill
yeah
right so
so to me I'm like
Australia's the most
liberal country
in the goddamn world
this place is the
fucking best
and I came over
and because I'm part
of the
because I'm only
doing the fucking
I have such a
spoiled view of
Australia
because I come over
and I'm exclusively doing the fucking it was such a spoiled view of Australia because I come over and I'm exclusively
doing the fucking
comedy festivals
where look
all of the comedy festival
is a bunch of woke cucks
yeah
that's what our job is
yeah
we're woke cucks
yeah
every single one of us
even your fucking
edge lords of comedy
are still woke cucks
when it comes to
the rest of the world
that's true
woke cuckery is what
we all do.
Yeah, we all like drama.
We all like pretending.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Doing silly voices.
So I was just like,
and then it was just,
I was like,
it is weird that with an openly female president
who doesn't believe in God
that you all definitely voted in.
It's very weird with all these gays around
that you're not allowing them to get married.
And then after Julia Gillard
did you swing in a
very different
because obviously
you used a very clever way
you were like
we've got the liberal party
and I was like
that's amazing
liberal?
are they liberal?
that's great
is there a liberal party
in?
and then you're like
oh
you guys don't know
what the word liberal means
liberal means very conservative
yeah
liberal means for all
except the homos yeah I don't know what dictionary you have oh yeah. Liberal means for all except the homos.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, I don't know what dictionary you have.
Oh, not just the...
It's not just the homos.
The Liberal Party also hates immigrants as well.
So don't worry.
Of course.
As is, you know, as is the Liberal way.
Of course.
Of course.
Yeah, which is why I'm going to start my KKK party next year,
which is all about pro-immigration.
Oh, okay.
Because that's a confusing name.
Why?
Well, there's a fun little group called the Ku Klux Klan.
I don't think they've ever become a fun little group before.
Well, they dress up, don't they?
They do.
Do you know much about the history of the Ku Klux Klan?
No, not really.
Man, there's an amazing podcast.
I've recommended it on this before.
It's called Behind the Bastards.
Listen to the Clue Clucks Clan episode.
What a bunch of fucking nerds the KKK were, man.
Yeah?
Oh, man.
Do you know why they dress up as ghosts?
Because they were literally dressing up as ghosts.
Okay.
It's not.
They were trying to scare people?
Yes, 100%.
I'm not fucking kidding you man
the reason
they dressed up as ghosts
is because
they were trying
that's why they were trying
to scare black people
out of town
oh that is so cute
they were like
woo
like
and also like
this is like
just after you know
you know
slavery's been sort of
you know
and we're still not past that.
There's still the fucking echoes of it.
But just like you've got black families that have gone through
and survived fucking slavery.
And then there's these white people that are like,
we'll dress up as ghosts.
That'll get rid of them.
That'll scare them.
I can't imagine being a black person.
What is it?
There's like three white guys dressed as ghosts.
Bed sheets on the front.
Oh my God, that is so embarrassing.
It's so embarrassing, man.
Fuck, we are dumb.
Speaking of dumb white people
finally
Christopher Pratt
oh yes
so
this
I
at the top
would be like
I was a big fan
of Chris Pratt
okay totally
I love
Parks and Rec
Parks and Rec was excellent
he's a revelation
in that
it's like a star making role
yeah
and
I love Guardians of the Galaxy I love Guardians too and I love the I think he's fucking revelation in that it's like a star making role yeah uh and i love guardians of
the galaxy i love guardians and i love the i think he's fucking good and all that um he always seems
like man he seems so friendly he's so cool like he's like he does you know he's much like chris
evans in the fact that he does so much for the what's that what's them cancer kids call make a
wish yeah there's a lot of that like he's clearly he's clearly a good person yeah he clearly is
and he's funny
he's one of those guys
who's like funny
but in real life
yeah
and he's genuine as well
yeah
like there's a
that being said
yeah
fuck does he love God
and that was a surprise to me
yeah yeah
and not
look
look
I
we all know I'm fucking an atheist
I'm assuming you are
yeah
yeah
but you know I used to be a much angrier sort of atheist when I hated religious people.
Me too.
Whereas now I'm just like, which is the worst type of fucking atheist to be.
Yeah.
Well, I went from very Catholic to very atheist and now I'm in a, I don't give a fuck.
Yeah.
Like, if you believe, if it makes you feel good, that's fine.
Don't bring it out.
Don't, but in the same way that I'm not going to force my atheism on anyone else.
Don't be, don't be doing it all in public. Yeah. I'm not going to force my thesis on anyone else don't be
don't be doing it
all in public
you've got your buildings
go into your building
with your friends
put on your robes
do your thing
it makes you happy
it makes you happy
yeah
but he's real
he's real Christian
well he's like
Hillsong essentially
I don't even think
it's Hillsong that he's in
but it's
there's some other one
that's basically Hillsong and they're called like Zaya or something.
Like a cool Christian church.
Justin Bieber's in it as well.
Is Biebs a Christian?
Big time.
Is he?
Big time.
What with all them fucking tats?
Well, yeah.
That's the thing.
That's the new Christianity.
Christianity is now like having a cool haircut, heaps of tats, and like...
And not reading the book.
Not reading the book.
Being beautiful.
Don't get tats.
Explicitly saying.
Oh my God.
No, it's bizarre.
So yeah, his...
I didn't know he was Christian until that James Gunn thing happened.
Yeah, so James Gunn got fired for...
No, this was one of the things with the James Gunn thing.
I was like, oh man, that guy's been fucking fired for his tweets like 12 years ago
what's the community
we're in now
Jesus fucking Christ
and then I read
some of the kids
I'm like fucking
that is about
seven too many
pedo jokes buddy
like some of them
were just
the punchline is
and then I fucked a kid
and I was like
you know what
you are working
for Disney
I thought this was
like the left
to fucking outrage
this whole sort of
fucking thing
that being said
I do agree that
people could change
but like
he wasn't working
for Disney
when he did those
no no no
but still
it's a heck
look
it's a lot
I'm a fan of a
pedo joke as much
as the next guy is
but
these were just
pedo comments
yeah they weren't funny
no it was just
the punchline was
pedophilia
yeah
but you know
everyone agreed
that he changed
and he apologised
for them
and all that
sort of stuff
Batista's stance
was excellent
Batista just
I'm falling more
in love with that
man every fucking
day
he's fucking
great
he's just a
fucking dude
he's just
he's fucking
cool
he's writing
those movies
he was like
because this whole
thing was like
you're all judging
James off of a bunch of tweets from 14 years ago that we all know are fucking wrong and he's apologised for them cool great nose movies he was like because this whole thing was like you're all judging James
off of a bunch of tweets
from 14 years ago
that we all know
are fucking wrong
and he's apologised for them
that doesn't justify them
I know him as a person
I've seen how much it shapes
and I've seen the act
of good he's doing
I'm going to fucking
stand by him through this
Karen Gillan did the same
Bradley Cooper did the same
I think Batista
even went further
he said if they don't hire
James Gunn back
I won't do it
yeah make it sound
because he saw the change
and it wasn't
he was like I can actively see the change in this person and James Gunn and everyone and a lot of people surrounding James Gunn back. I won't do it. Yeah, make it sound. Because he saw the change. And he was like, I can actively see the change in this person.
And James Gunn and everyone.
And a lot of people surrounding James Gunn had said that.
Chris Pratt was like, I'm going to go and pray about this.
And that was when I was just like, you're going to fucking what, cunt?
And I don't know why it doesn't sit with me well.
Well, when I saw that, because I didn't follow him on or instagram you know i never even thought to follow him on those things
then when i saw that he said i need to go pray and reflect on this i was like what hang on let
me check out this guy's social media and it's all god all the time is it it's like photos of him
holding lambs with like quotes from the bible um his instagram is all like he made a crucifix out of like
a fucking tree branch that he chopped down he's very into guns he is he's very he's definitely
he's 100 percent republican yeah but he also says he's not yeah but it's like buddy buddy
you're praying you've got a gun yeah you're a republican that's not a good
disguise
he's also engaged
to a fucking
Schwarzenegger now
he is
after getting a divorce
which is also
had he read that book
he's a big fan of
like it's this
it's this type of thing
because my thing is
look I really like
fucking Christians
who are just like
I believe in God
and I'm not aware
of how fucked the Bible is
I like the Christians
who are like
look I don't have
the fucking answers I'm not fucking God
I believe there's a fucking heaven
I believe there's a fucking afterlife it makes me feel good
I know the Bible's fucked I don't stick
fucking religiously to it I think God is open to it
I'm like that's fair because you're aware
of how fucked the Old Testament
is and how backwards even a lot of the
fucking New Testament fucking is being like
aye look a bunch of it's wrong because
their thing is like aye the Bible was written by man that's why there's so much fucking flawed shit
in it and i'm like you know it's a bit of a shit argument but i fucking respect it where it is when
you were i'm going to pray to make a decision that you drawing a line in the sand of i'm a
fool fucking christian yeah you can't have tattoos and you can't get divorced you can't get divorced
buddy you're not a christ. It specifically fucking says it.
That really pissed me off too
because it's like,
I'm going to go make a,
I'm going to go pray
and God will tell me what to do
with this big corporation.
You know,
like it's a business decision
at the end of the day.
It has nothing to do with God.
What the fuck would God care about
you doing a movie?
And also,
we are very aware
of how God feels
about people who work with pedophiles.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll be honest with you, Chris.
That's the most Catholic
thing I've seen you do.
Standing by a man
who talked about pedophilia a lot.
Yeah, that's the most Catholic
thing you've done.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
That's true.
But the worst thing is
I know if I met him
he would be so nice.
Well, I love him on
every time I see him in a talk show or Graham Norton or something. I'm like, I would be friends with him. That's true. But the worst thing is, I know if I met him, he would be so nice. Well, I love him. Every time I see him in a talk show
or Graham Norton or something,
I'm like,
I would be friends with him.
He's got,
he's check, yeah.
But it's just,
it's that one bit
where you just get one part
of your brain off.
There's one dark bit.
I've got these two friends
I went through high school with
and I see them
every couple of years.
Like, we run into each other.
They both live in Sydney
so every now and then
I see them
and we have a good time and I always forget that they're incredibly christian until about two
hours into hanging out with them when it comes out because they're very cool they're very funny
they all they also are covered in tattoos they're like young hip like he's a graphic designer she's
a fashion designer and all this shit and they're cool they've got a taste in music and stuff and
then they'll be like hey what are you doing next weekend we should go hang out or something i'm like yeah
what do you want to do and they'll just then it'll slowly start to slip in that they're inviting me
to a service they'll be like well we're catching up with some friends of ours um on sunday yeah
oh really what time about 11 yeah bring some loose change. Yeah, is there any food?
Yeah, there's a little biscuit.
Do you like wine?
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Are you a fan of architecture?
Well, this building.
You're going to love this building.
I'm going to introduce you to this guy.
He's such a good public speaker.
Oh, God.
Think of it more like a book book club and only one of us has
read the book but don't worry he'll give a great summary and then he'll kind of tell you what that
chapter meant in terms of his own life yeah yeah some shit that happened to him that way yeah is
this like a christian thing no no no no no no no no yes yeah yeah no lying is a sin very much
christian they're Hillsong
because Hillsong has a band.
That's their whole thing.
What is Hillsong?
Hillsong is the cool youth Christian church
that has taken over the world.
I'm going to draw...
When you said cool there,
you did not do air quotes.
No, no, no.
Well, you know,
the air quotes are implied
when I'm talking about Christianity.
Do you know I went to Christian camp
when I was young?
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I was,
my entire family,
apart from my mom and my dad,
but the extended family
was all fucking religious as shit.
But there was a thing called fucking,
it was called Teen Ranch,
which in hindsight
is a very pedo name
for a Christian camp.
Teen Ranch.
Yeah, they're just,
giddy up y'all.
Yeah.
But it was a place where
once every summer
you go there for like a week
so I used to go to
the church youth group
every Sunday
and the reason
I didn't know
because they had
free juice
free fucking biscuits
and the deal was
do you want to play football
and get games
with your friends
for 55 minutes
and then for 5 minutes
we'll make you sing a song
about a man that doesn't exist
I'm like
alright that's pretty much
the same Christmas trade off
that's so fucking strange
I didn't even know
about these things
oh man I went
I went to fucking
Christian camp
so it was
a team match
went once
I think I went twice
but it was for a week
you went fucking horse riding
you went like fucking shooting
they were training you
to be a young Republican
yeah yeah
you went kayaking
like it was
it was really really good fun
and the trade off was
you look
you're surrounded by
a bunch of fucking
cool hella
like you know sitting on the chair backwards I'll'll tell you yeah yeah yeah i'll tell you about
a little guy called jc let me tell you about the first captain america yeah this guy was captain
america and he was pretty cool he was pretty cool you know he didn't have a shield he had sandals
yeah you know he didn't have a shield. He was the shield. My shield.
And I just argued with him all the time.
I didn't argue.
I just obeyed with him.
You know, I always got told off for rolling my eyes.
Because your family aren't Catholic or anything?
Mum was.
Mum was religious for a bit.
And then I think after my sister died, my dad was like, fucking reign that in immediately.
And she was like, fair.
Yeah.
Yeah, I get it now.
Yeah, because I grew up just completely, this is how religious my family is.
There's two Australian cardinals, two Australians who have risen to the rank of cardinal in the Catholic Church.
One of them, George Pell, is going to jail.
For being a nonce.
For being a nonce. The other one is my uncle. Who is? Cardinal in the Catholic Church. One of them, George Pell, is going to jail. For being a nonce? For being a nonce. The other one is my uncle.
Great.
Who is?
Cardinal Cassidy.
And he's not a...
Apparently not.
No.
He's also got Alzheimer's now, which kicked in about two years ago, weirdly.
So, who knows?
Yeah, who knows?
So, I was just raised around Catholics
around Christian
religious people
my whole life
I didn't even know
you couldn't
believe in God
I didn't even know
that was an option
and that's how they get you
yeah
it's like believing in God
is the fucking dumb thing
that's just life right
and then it wasn't
until high school
when I started meeting people
who'd be like
oh you still believe in God
that's like
that i'd stop believing in god when i was like two or whatever and i was like what like it's this tooth fairy you can grow out of it yeah and it really fucked i reckon there was a big like
10 year period there where i was like vacillating between oh i definitely believe and then just i
don't and now i've settled on i don't but i also i don I don't know. We're not as angry about it anymore.
I'm not as angry about it anymore.
But yeah, I remember the first time I met someone who even just was like,
I don't think God is a man in the sky.
I think God is an energy that kind of radiates amongst us all.
And I was like, I don't even fucking know what to do with that information.
What do you mean?
I literally think God is a man.
He's up there.
He's got a staff.
Yeah.
Like his brother is Gandalf. Yeah. That there he's got a staff yeah like his brother is
gandalf yeah that's how i see it brother is dumbledore i never saw it as anything other
than a guy with a beard and stuff i just couldn't wrap my head around any other concept yeah like
look he just god knows the flight plans for all the because he knows everything so whenever
planes are going over he runs and hides behind other clouds because you know seeing him would
be too easy it's a big game of hide and seek in the
sky oh that's kind of cute to imagine him like running to hide behind the clouds he peeks out
just waving he raves at one catholic every year no one i'll say that don't worry thank no one
will ever believe you oh yeah well we did it we took down Chris Brown and Christianity
is dead
you are welcome
before we go any further
the other thing
speaking of
white
problematic
white people
I introduced you
to one of my
favourite
my favourite
things on Twitter
today
now one thing
before we go
into this
I want to make
something fucking
crystal clear to people that
are listening to this. Please do not
engage with this person because
of this fucking podcast. This is like
one of those
indigenous fucking tribes that hasn't been touched
by society yet. Just let it happen.
Don't ruin this for me. I've been studying
this man for a year. Please don't
interact with him. Please don't do anything
he fucking says. He's on Twitter. His name is tony johns now do you have his uh i do it's at tony johns t-o-n-y-j-o-h-n-s
zero zero zero so this guy is uh he's go on twitter and just if you follow him you're gonna
have to make because he retweets every single thing
somebody tweets to him
so you have to go into
one of his retweets
and go show less often
the retweets by Tony Jones
and then you'll get
a clear feed
if you go to his media
and
care to explain
you're new to this
I've been saying this man
for years
so I've got too much
to say about him
you've just
been introduced
I literally have known
about this guy for an hour
and I've gone years deep
into his timeline.
He's fascinating.
Bio.
Bio is he's a 6'4",
100% Italian,
then the tongue emoji
and then his phone number.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which he hands out
regularly, by the way.
Yeah, he's always
giving out his phone number,
I've noticed.
You know how you can have
a website link
in your Twitter bio?
His is Pornhub.com.
And he's this tall Italian guy.
He's got the worst fucking face I've ever seen on a person.
He's got a literal butthole mouth.
He's too fucking fake tanned.
And the way he talks in his videos,
he sounds like that guy from The Hateful Late.
Yeah, Walton Goggins.
Walton Goggins.
Sounds like if walton
goggins was on geordie shore yeah yeah and was also seriously addicted to fucking meth and how
would you describe this guy he's i for so long i thought he was a character it feels like a comedy
character right but it's perfect it's perfect but it's 100 not i've been following this for a year
it's too it's it's a level of un-self-awareness I can't begin to
people that are un-self-aware
fascinate me
yeah
because like
I you know
I think I'm self-aware
like
and you know
a lot of my fucking job
and I'm probably not
I've definitely got
fucking blind spots
but people who have
no self-awareness
and just like
you believe everything
it kind of looks like bliss.
Yeah.
It looks like a life of just pure joy because you get no reflection.
You're not looking back at yourself and judging your behavior.
No.
So what does he tell?
Tell everyone what he does.
What his main thing is.
He claims to be a shagger.
Yeah.
He calls himself the ladies man.
He just posts videos of him with his dick. And he's just a fair play to him. He's got a decent sized dick. I. So he's going to the ladies man. He just posts videos
of him with his dick out.
And he's just,
hey, fair play to him.
He's got a decent sized dick.
I'm not going to fucking
dress him up like that.
I've only ever seen it soft.
Yeah, I had a look
and I got great self-esteem
about myself looking at it.
I was like, oh, nice.
Yeah.
I should put some
dick stuff up online.
He aerates all of his
dirty laundry.
Him and his ex-girlfriend
Katie continuously
go to stuff
where she fakes pregnancies
and he
posts the screen grabs of all the conversations
that her friends send him
and there's so many pictures
he posts of like all the because he puts his number
on Twitter all the time and just
the names he saves people at is
horrific have you seen them? Like Latina
Big Arse. Latino Big Arse
Twitter under 60 oh yeah
Catfish don't answer.
Like his phone book is just all these fucking horrible things.
Okay.
Okay.
Please follow this man.
Get into it.
And the last thing I want to do is do not fucking pile on.
Fucking he's happy.
He doesn't seem to be fucking hurting anyone.
Don't fucking bully him.
Don't pick on him.
Just enjoy.
Just enjoy this deer.
Right.
Don't honk the fucking horn.
Don't startle it.
Just let us enjoy nature that's a great bit of advice because i reckon a lot of a lot of podcasts would do a
call out to drag this guy let's not do it let's observe him just observe him just enjoy what it
is fucking study this man he's fascinating don't you know don't piss in the ocean, guys. No, no, no. And 17 will get you 20.
That's all I'm going to say.
And if you watch that video, you know what I'm talking about.
Heath, I love him so much.
And I hate him at the same time.
Like, it upsets me that he exists.
It's annoying because I looked at it and went, well, that's a character I would love to do.
But now there's no point because this guy already exists for real.
It's his catchphrase man you gotta see the ass on this gym we got out of here baby he talks like that but he is like
just a white dude from solid city oh baby we are about it tonight i i i find i can't get enough of
them but i also can like it fills me with rage a lot of the time.
And then I'm just fascinated.
And also, if anyone has recommendations like that,
don't tag them in, obviously.
We do not encourage fucking bullying on this podcast
to people that don't do it.
Only bully your friends.
That's the one rule I always have.
Mouselessly.
Mouselessly bully your friends.
Being horrible to them is what makes us be
better for people
but you don't bully
strangers and you
don't bully people
over the internet
unless you're friends
in which case fucking
have at it yeah
but you know we
don't know this
person so don't
fucking pile on it
but if you do if
you're like me and
you're a fan of
studying certain
creatures online
please send me your
fucking links because
I do you know
do you know this
this is like it's
like an interview up my alley when you sent this to me i was like well it's like you're appearing right into
my soul because this is i find myself getting micro focused on freaks all the time and i read
everything that they've ever done and i look at every single post of theirs comedians will know
there's a there was a comedian i won't mention his name uh but uh on the circuit we're all
comedians for years just found him fascinating
it was an open spot
and everyone just
followed him on Twitter
just because we're like
what is he going to say next
like what is going on here
our friend Barry Castagnola
knew a guy
who was
I was mentioning before
this guy
performed at Butlins
he was like a fucking
good car
fucking player
for like
caravan fucking parts
but just thought
he was a legit celebrity
like right but because he was on a small but just thought he was a legit celebrity like right but uh because
he was on a small fucking island and he was like i'm a fucking rock star and it was just no self
awareness yeah and barry was obsessed with him he just had to go down this fucking hole of just
i love i love that too i love people that have i have an ego that doesn't match their
position in the world yeah when they're like outsized,
crazy ego,
but they are such a clear fucking loser on the like totem pole.
I can't,
I get locked in on them.
I met a magician who was exactly that guy.
And I,
I went and watched his fucking show.
I went,
I met him like doing gigs around town and I got so hooked that I was like, I'm going
to watch this guy for an hour.
And I just went by myself and just watched this guy.
How was it?
Horrible.
Terrible magician.
Terrible banter.
He kept having little breakdowns on stage and going like, um, he just kept like stopping
and like putting his head in his hands and being like, oh guys, sorry.
I just had a fucking big week. and then he'd like to tell a
little story about some chick that he was fucking or something that clearly wasn't true or happened
years ago or something it was like oh god i just love these people oh it just yeah it's like an
internet safari or yeah if anyone has any other recommendations i'll see if i can find that one
body was talking yeah yeah and i'll send them through to you and the last thing
I want to talk to you
about is while we're
speaking of
I guess fucking
you know
studying
on the internet
or whatever
your podcast
Finding Drago
I feel I've
recommended it on
the podcast before
that's a perfect
fucking one
of course
that's a perfect
example of times
I've gotten obsessed
with people
obsessed with people I don't want to give anything away because it's a seven-part series.
I listened to it all in one day while I was knitting.
First of all, I listened to it out of sheer brand loyalty.
You're one of my friends.
I fucking like listening to you talk.
I wasn't expecting it to be that fucking good.
I got hooked on this podcast, man. It's so good. It's so fascinating. I don like listening to you talk I wasn't expecting it to be that fucking good I got hooked on
this podcast man
it's so fascinating
I don't want to
give too much away
I would just
everyone I've
recommended it to
has fucking loved
it I know the
podcast listeners on
this will fucking
love it finding
Drago and I'll
give the two
things is I'll do
this episode and
then I'll give them
all like two weeks
to listen to the
fucking podcast oh yeah we'll do another two woke cups in a couple them like two weeks to listen to the fucking podcast
and then we'll do another
two woke cucks
in a couple of weeks
because I've got a whole bunch
of fucking questions
yeah that's good
that's a good idea
so this is
we're basically just giving them
fucking homework
to go listen to this
this is the call out
so that way
in two weeks time
nobody can be like
spoilers
you've got two fucking weeks
to listen to this
three and a half hour podcast
you'll be fucking grand
your family listened to it
I'm pretty sure
oh I made them all listen to it
on the we were all in New York together made them all listen to it on the,
we were all in New York together.
Yeah.
They all listened to it
on the fucking plane.
Yeah,
because your mum tweeted it,
Alexei and I.
Yeah, yeah.
We were like,
holy crap,
that's awesome.
That's fucking awesome.
Do you have anything else to plug?
No,
just Finding Drago.
Oh,
and when's this going to come out?
Oh, today.
Okay.
Come see my Melbourne Comedy Festival show.
I open on Tuesday
and I'm going for two weeks.
Okay.
What time is it on?
8.30 at the Greek Center.
It's called Strawberry Blonde.
And your name is Cameron James.
That's right.
You ready for it?
All right.
Now, I didn't really prepare for this because I got really too deep on Tony John's.
Yeah, which is fair.
Which is fair.
How many did you write?
I've got two, eight shit man i got three cool
i'll start all right your dad is tony john
okay my first one is your dad is at tony john zero zero zero great mind thinking life but fools really differ
it's the end of that
your dad writes Pauline Hanson
fan fiction
your dad's so dumb
you can hear the typos when he talks
your dad takes his socks off with his teeth
just after a hard day at work.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
Your dad's kinks are scat and Nazis.
His favorite porno is The Diarrhea of Anne Frank.
That one was reverse engineered.
Yeah.
Your dad calls math nature's cocaine.
Oh, that's good.
Fuck, I'm running to the end of mine.
Your dad is such a feminist.
When he was born, he came out tongue last.
Your dad practices his lines outside for 10 minutes before ordering a Starbucks.
He's got such social anxiety. Your dad practices his lines outside for 10 minutes before ordering a Starbucks. My poor dad.
He's got such social anxiety.
He shouldn't be allowed outside.
Your dad helps me squeegee up after all those men fuck my wife.
He's one of them.
Your dad buys his bread from Subway.
He just walks in
like it's a normal bakery
doing their finest
loves please
well no
the in-laws are coming around
so maybe I don't know
some hearty Italian
thinly sliced please
speaking of hearty Italian
do you follow Tony Jones
your dad eats pussy
like Tony Jones
like a king then
yeah like a king
like a king
your dad's karaoke song
is All The Things She Said by Tattoo shit that's a good then. Yeah, like a king. Like a king. Your dad's karaoke song is All the Things
She Said by Tattoo.
Shit,
that's a good one.
Yeah.
That is actually
a beautiful song.
I'm out of,
I'm out of.
I got,
I got two more.
Alright,
hit me.
Your dad pisses
with his trousers
down at his ankles.
You know,
like,
you know,
like you do
until you're five.
And your dad
wants any woman
as a prostitute
if you're rich enough
written on his tombstone
oh shit
I gotta be honest
the subway one
was the one
I think that was the one
that's a real joke
you could do that anywhere
yeah do it
fly in his loves
and then he sticks them both in like his little fucking little fucking big air hole in the front of his bike.
Yeah, in his bike.
And pretends he's in France, just cycling down Melbourne streets.
Ah, I've got to get home to my quaint little family.
May I see the cheese room, please?
It's just cheddar, Old English, and Swiss.
Oh, la-di-da.
Well, when in Rome ah
triangles
just as the French
take it
right
so podcast listeners
your homework
in the next two weeks
is to listen to
Finding Drago
where I will then
have you on for another
episode of
Two Old Cucks
and once we do our
20 minutes of just
fucking around
at the start
I'll have several
questions for you
that'll be good
and your homework
is also to check out
TonyJohn000
TonyJohn's and again
I don't have to say
this again but
well don't fucking
interact with them
don't fucking engage
with them
I know it's tempting
to text them
don't
don't text them
just leave
just like
it's
don't disturb the
wildlife
yeah
thank you
bye