Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Two-wokeyo Cucks

Episode Date: April 6, 2019

The third instalment in the "Two Woke Cucks" series, Daniel seizes the opportunity to make a podcast with regular guest Cameron James while Kai is out selling his body for baccy. If you enjoyed Ep2.35... "Two Woke Cucks" and Ep.2.36 "2 Woke Cucks 2 Furious" this is for you.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?
Starting point is 00:00:14 That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? Hi boys and girls
Starting point is 00:00:27 and welcome to another classic episode of Two Woke Cucks where well, as the name suggests I, Woke Cuck, and my good friend Cameron James, also of Woke Cuckery. Oh, very much a Woke Cuck. Thank you very much, Daniel. I am aware of all of the
Starting point is 00:00:43 privilege that I have while also enjoying watching my wife being railed by several men that are not me because that's the ultimate sign of openness i just like to clean up after i like to kind of i let her have her fun with the fellas i pop my head in every now and then can i get anyone anything some cheese some electrolytes any gatorades and then i go because look hey they're going to be going on it for a while yeah and it's you want it to keep going yeah well she's pent up she hasn't come the whole time we've been married so yeah yeah so it's you're doing her a favor it's the ultimate stroke of feminism thank you and speaking of stroke of feminism I stroke it to the idea of feminism. Tell you what, I've masturbated over every single Jermaine Greer book.
Starting point is 00:01:28 Even on rape? Jermaine Greer, isn't she a feminist that feminists hate? Yeah, they've turned on her. She is an example of old school feminism, what, second wave or something? So they think that she's not up to date I don't understand the waves of feminism as far as I'm
Starting point is 00:01:48 and correct me if I'm wrong which obviously being a white man I always am yep but second wave feminism it's like that's like the second generation
Starting point is 00:01:56 of Pokemon like everyone prefers the first 150 feminists yes it's the evolution and then then the second generation golden silver feminists came out
Starting point is 00:02:03 which was fine you know there was some good new ones. That's okay. But then by the time you get to 450, it's like, I can't remember the name of them all. It's like, I'm just going to remember every, just tell me who to like. Tell me who I'm supposed to agree with.
Starting point is 00:02:13 Who's this generation's Pikachu? Exactly. Because Lena Dunham, she got outed as well. No one likes her anymore either. Well, yeah. Lena Dunham's always been an, because there was that thing where,
Starting point is 00:02:24 I don't know much about Lena Dunham but every time she trends I'm just like I'm just going to get this shit what is she doing now it's just every single
Starting point is 00:02:32 like Lena Dunham just as far as I can tell has the coldest take on anything I know like whenever there's a social commentary
Starting point is 00:02:38 I just imagine her going up to a freezer with oven gloves on being like oh fresh out of the freezer here's my opinion. Icy, cold, and irrelevant.
Starting point is 00:02:48 Did you see on Twitter, I saw that she got a neck tattoo that just says sick. Just the word sick. Like she's a fucking snowboarder or something. Yeah, she's like sick. She's got gnarly written on her test. It's fucking great though, dude. But no, yeah, it's okay.
Starting point is 00:03:09 That's what we are. For those of you listening at home, we are two incredibly woke cucks who are happy to discuss the issues of the day. And then also apologize for everything. Can we start with our traditional apology for everything? Yeah. Sorry for being white. Sorry for being a man. Sorry for being a white man.
Starting point is 00:03:29 Oh, God, yes. Because even separately they're bad, but when combined. It's awful. It's what we've done. Sorry for being straight. Sorry for being straight. Look, don't get me wrong. Every week I try, once they're done fucking my wife I suck their dick
Starting point is 00:03:45 just to see if it's doing and I just and I'm so bigoted that I'm a homophobe I can't do every time I suck the dick of the man
Starting point is 00:03:53 who's fucked my wife how many of these dicks do you suck I mean how long is a piece of string I mean how thick's a dick every time
Starting point is 00:04:02 and it's just I'm just trying to get more work but just my inbuilt homophobia yeah sucking a dick doesn't do anything so i'm sorry for being straight uh again sorry for being straight and white sorry for being straight it's just it's all these combinations of things that that make it worse you know what i mean yeah it's in the venn diagram of scum i'm a circle i can't you're in perfect circle i'm a perfect sorry sorry for saying that you're perfect you're obviously not you're imperfect we're all imperfect yeah um i'd also like to apologize to anyone who has to listen to this oh yeah yeah and there's an apology i genuinely stand
Starting point is 00:04:38 by that should always be I think at this point in the podcast they're very aware the apologies are given up top like it's they just they just assume
Starting point is 00:04:52 we're sorry for it I feel like they're listening to this as some form of penance for some shit that they've done in a previous life they're like
Starting point is 00:04:58 oh god I gotta listen to the work cucks again the one thing I find about the listeners of this podcast and it's one thing I do like
Starting point is 00:05:03 is a lot of them are ashamed that they like it. And I really like that because I do not want this podcast to become popular. That would be a nightmare because I say plenty of things on this podcast that I don't agree with and purely for the sake of parody
Starting point is 00:05:21 a new one and a lot of it's lost and it would be lost in a new listening. Because if you haven't listened to all episodes of the previous episodes of Two Woke Cacks you would have no idea what the fuck this is
Starting point is 00:05:30 if you're like oh Sloss has a podcast oh cool I'll check it out I'm not quite sure who the target of this is is he making fun of Woke Cacks
Starting point is 00:05:39 or is he making fun of people that are and I don't know either because my target my like the crosshairs swing wildly i'm taking shots at myself i'm taking shots at actual people all of these men are taking loads of shots at my wife yeah and i'm taking shots you know um i'm just you know it's it's i
Starting point is 00:05:57 think it's one of the most romantic things my relationship is when i go after they're done with my wife and i just go in there with the windscreen wiper, you know, the one squeegee that you get snowed. And just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just hose her off straight away. And why would you? She's your wife.
Starting point is 00:06:14 You love her. She deserves it. I go in with a spray bottle like I'm a homeless guy at Traffic Lights tonight. And I shake a cup and all the men put a couple of dollars in. And I squeegee down my wife i mean there's a new topic in the window and they're not making eye contact i know they can see me i know they can see me like i'm not like you can't make eye contact with me and they pretend
Starting point is 00:06:41 you don't see me like that's not oh i mean i'm just gonna do it anyway yeah it's so frustrating when they do that and they spray their like shitty dirty water all over your car and you're like oh well now what do i have to pay you for making my car dirtier this is one of like um you know you get a lot in america like the homelessness in la is fuck all of of America it's appalling like it's you know you think because we've got
Starting point is 00:07:07 homeless problems in Scotland like a little bit but compared to America it's nothing man they do not give a shit about anyone that served
Starting point is 00:07:16 their country oh yeah veterans so they come up and they're squeaking the thing and he's just like the evil part
Starting point is 00:07:23 he's like I don't my car does that yeah I need you to put fair enough yeah here you go
Starting point is 00:07:29 roll time then have you been to San Francisco I have yeah there's a huge homeless like problem there because apparently that was the only city that allowed
Starting point is 00:07:37 that doesn't have vagrancy laws so pretty much word got around America like hey you can sleep on the street
Starting point is 00:07:44 in Sanan and no one will arrest and then all these privileged white homeless men turned up to san francisco took the took the jobs homeless jobs away from the to correct me if i'm wrong to gentrify it yes to gentrify it with tents well that's what it feels like it's happening there i mean last time i was there i looked around i said this city used to be cool. Yeah. And now it's supes cool. Would any of you homeless vets like to fuck my wife? And they all loved it. They loved it.
Starting point is 00:08:13 Yeah. Because that, look, I haven't read a lot of feminist books, but I'm pretty sure, you know, the way to smash, to fuck the patriarchy is to fuck the patriarchy. That's not exactly the... Well, I don't know. You're from a matriarchy from the UK. And do you have to eat the Queen's pussy? I think it's a lot like conscription.
Starting point is 00:08:37 If she were to call up, then I would have to. You'd have to do it. But as a Scotsman, I would probably... Are you a separatist? Yeah, I wouldn't even look a stamp so I'm not I'm not I just
Starting point is 00:08:53 that's why I don't post things yeah yeah yeah every time every time I'm like I'm gonna post this
Starting point is 00:08:57 like this post package to my god kids and they come in and they've got the stamps and I'm like well
Starting point is 00:09:03 looks like they're not getting birthday presents I am not you could use pre-cum though oh yeah just wipe it on the head of your dick and slap it down you get the pre-stuck ones too but yeah i prefer pre-cum to pre-stuck i always have so are you actually that is a good question are you anti-queen anti-monarchy I am yeah I'm so fucking low there
Starting point is 00:09:29 yeah I'm not it's very difficult because I'm actually not like I think the queen herself is actually I've got nothing against her as a person
Starting point is 00:09:35 man she's a fucking cool egg like she's she's never really done anything herself that's ever fucking pissed me off and I can say that for a fair bit of the fucking royal family
Starting point is 00:09:43 like directly they've never done anything but I'm also just like can't fuck off like I don say that for a fair bit of the fucking royal family like directly they've never done anything but I'm also just like gan fuck off like I don't I don't need you like it's such an do you pay their wages
Starting point is 00:09:51 aye oh yeah yeah yeah she's got the tax they work for you yeah yeah and they're public servants we're in the fucking crisis so you know
Starting point is 00:09:59 you'll get fucking Tories and it would be like oh but what they do for tourism and I'm like fucking if they were all dead the castle's still there
Starting point is 00:10:06 well that's it nobody's coming to see the queen I guess some people are they're coming to see where the queen is yeah I think some people love that shit
Starting point is 00:10:12 but I mean I went to your country your beautiful country last year for the first time and I would go to that fucking country if
Starting point is 00:10:20 I didn't give there was no queen or king I'm just like I'm looking at old buildings it's beautiful look at the castles dungeons where people were tortured giving me ideas yeah for what i want these men to do to me after they fuck my wife yeah just different ways
Starting point is 00:10:33 they can tie me up yeah hold my eyes open they put me in a cage they put a big metal like it's almost like a shell over the top of the cage and then they light fire underneath it and I'm cooking in there and I'm jerking off and it feels fantastic I loved it I loved Edinburgh it was fucking beautiful yeah
Starting point is 00:10:53 oh yeah because it was your first time there wasn't it did you go anywhere else to Scotland or was it just Edinburgh I went all around really I went up to
Starting point is 00:11:00 as north as Inverness and then I went to the Isle of Skye Glasgow it was great i had the best time ever yeah and you left you just can't hold my best i did leave the ultimate which is fine look as a woke cuck yeah yeah it was a power play it was a power play along with kindness so So basically, I was away. I was immediately on tour. And I offered you my place to stay.
Starting point is 00:11:28 Very nice of you. Thank you. And instead of giving you the fucking spare room or whatever, I just have my fucking bedroom. Okay, truth be told, I did not sleep in your room. I slept in the spare room. But my wife slept in your room. We're separate.
Starting point is 00:11:40 And that's where they were all fucking at. No, we slept in the spare room. We didn't fuck in your bed. Oh, you should have. Back time someone did. Well, back time I did, to be honest. Everyone's fucking my wife. Everyone else.
Starting point is 00:11:53 Well, I mean, and that's, you could sit, your bedroom is big enough. You've got a room off your room, so you could sit in that other room while they fuck your wife. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes if the guy who's fucking my wife is shy, I just sit with my ear to the door with a cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or sometimes, or sometimes it's two cups
Starting point is 00:12:12 attached by a bit of string and it goes under the door and I just hold it to my ear and occasionally, like I don't have to have it there all the time. I'll just be, you know, I'll be reading
Starting point is 00:12:20 my Jermaine Greer books and I'll feel the tugging. It's like, you know, when you're fishing and if the line goes taut it means that she wants to moan down the phone to me okay
Starting point is 00:12:28 that's nice it is that's romantic as we connect yeah so yeah I did not sleep in your bed or fuck in your bed
Starting point is 00:12:36 but I did you did fuck your wife in my house and then leave a used condom on my bed in absolute display of dominance and the worst thing was because
Starting point is 00:12:46 because I went in there and I was like right like this because now it's the game of this real come what do you think
Starting point is 00:12:55 well because Heidi because the gamble to check is too much of an age like like
Starting point is 00:13:02 Heidi the only way like upon it's the only thing i can actually use is eyesight because sure if it's not come and i feel it and i smell it and i taste i'm like oh you know it's not but if it is i know it's not a place i was willing to play it was such a gum i saw held it to the light like you're inspecting a banknote or something. This was forged. I was just sitting there with my fucking bickering, my safety sticks.
Starting point is 00:13:34 Oh, my God. Just like all those stock images of Cypher. I won't say if it was real or not. But it was a last minute decision as I was leaving. Well, no, while my wife was sleeping, I squeegeeded it into her so if she's pregnant in the next couple of months then um that's that's great that's thank you i'd love to but i don't want to fuck your wife i want you to raise my child but i am not fucking your wife i wouldn't dream of it no no no. Is that woke if two dudes
Starting point is 00:14:05 like wife swap? Is that woke? Um, I get, hmm, well it depends on what your definition
Starting point is 00:14:13 of fucking woke is. Like I think woke is, well there's many different types of fucking woke. Yeah. But I think it's like,
Starting point is 00:14:21 I think ultimate woke is her body, her choice. If she wants, Yeah. I think ultimate woke is her body, her choice. If she wants. Yeah. I think ultimate woke is to listen to women and never say anything ever. Yeah. That's.
Starting point is 00:14:31 I keep my mouth shut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I only open it for one reason. It's like the most woke people in the world are mute. Yes. Yeah. There's not a woke community than the mime community. Feminists love mime the only problem is sometimes
Starting point is 00:14:47 a mime will do that thing where they act out a woman's curves yeah where they like move their hands in a curvy motion and that's that's not what oh no no that's just that's hand-based patriarchy yeah yeah yeah because you know all women are you know, all women are beautiful. All men, all sizes are beautiful. Even though we all know. All creeds, colors, religions are beautiful. Except white men. Except white men. Yeah, obviously.
Starting point is 00:15:13 Sorry, I can't believe I forgot that. I can't believe I forgot that. So sorry. Sorry, everyone. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. I have a question for you. Please.
Starting point is 00:15:23 Do you have an acknowledgement of country at the start of your show I do I do so well it's not my choice it's something
Starting point is 00:15:30 Melbourne Comedy Festival I don't want to say the words make you do because it sounds like I don't want it to sort of happen I'm not from Australia
Starting point is 00:15:38 I know the history of it but so basically for international listeners before the show there's about a 30 second clip that you have for the Melbourne Comedy Festival where it's sort of uh it's acknowledging the
Starting point is 00:15:49 yeah the indigenous population that the australian population absolutely fucking genocided for so long and then had a you know their celebratory and you know we were not taught that we committed genocide that's really really until recently so i only realized that it was genocide. Really? Really. Until recently. Really? So I only realized that it was genocide, probably in my mid to late teens. So you think you just turned up at the Aboriginal, like, we'll just all move to the centre. That is what we were taught. Really?
Starting point is 00:16:17 There were photos in textbooks when I was a kid of the ships arriving, and the Indians just being like, ah, the white ship is waving great it's like backing them in like they're parking finally western culture it is insane it's insane we were barely taught anything until you know when i was in year seven or eight or something this movie rabbit proof fence came out about um like the stolen generation. A lot of, uh,
Starting point is 00:16:45 indigenous kids were removed from their families. Oh yeah, the stolen generation. Do you remember what the stolen generation, because I only found out about the stolen generation about two years ago, and it's one of the most fucked things. And it happened, and this is recently,
Starting point is 00:16:55 recently. Yeah, yeah. It is recently, recently. It's like within the last 30 years. There was electricity. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:17:00 yeah, yeah. Like, it was, people who were alive during this are still alive. It's, yeah, it's really horrible
Starting point is 00:17:05 so basically yeah indigenous children were taken from their communities from their families and adopted into white families in
Starting point is 00:17:14 the cities with the intention that indigenous Australians would be eventually bred out through white washing
Starting point is 00:17:22 yeah it's just you have sex with this white person and we're slowly going to basically, we're going to over milk this coffee. Yes,
Starting point is 00:17:29 exactly. This was a government mandated thing. Yeah, I don't, oh God, I don't know if it was government mandated.
Starting point is 00:17:34 I don't want to get it wrong but probably. I mean, it feels like it was. Yeah, I've seen your fucking government. Our government is, oh my God,
Starting point is 00:17:41 did you see that tweet Fraser Anning did the other day? Do you know Fraser Anning? Fraser Anning, the fucking cunt, the cunt company got egged after he said some fucking horrible things about the christian shooting yes he tweeted two days ago um we have the right to preserve our ethno-cultural identity europeans are heading towards becoming a minority in their own countries around the world we have a right to defend our people
Starting point is 00:18:03 and our way of life which is stolen generation language he's great yeah and so that's the australian also being european um i don't know if you know this but i have he's he's he's spot on i'm full muslim now are you really yeah yeah like uh it's i we've obviously i'm gonna say overrun in scotland but uh there is sex. Okay. And we've just all decided to assimilate. He's right. It's easier, I guess. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:18:34 No, I watch American politicians say all the time, just talking about how there's this Muslim takeover of the UK. And as a Scotsman, you're just sitting there being like, part of me gets really black. Maybe the Muslims don't want Scotland. I keep reading all these things about how they're taking over Europe and there's entire areas of the UK where white people can't go. And I'm sad they've been like, where? Where are they?
Starting point is 00:18:56 What's wrong with us? What's wrong with our country? Your country's beautiful. If I was going to take over any country, I'd take over Scotland. Beautiful country. Yeah, it's great. It's perfect for my colouring as well this might sound
Starting point is 00:19:05 as with most of the things I say this might sound fucking ignorant but I've always sort of believed like Scotland obviously does have
Starting point is 00:19:12 racism in the same way that every fucking country in South Wales has racism but I think a lot of the time I don't really see it too much
Starting point is 00:19:20 in fucking Scotland because I don't go to football games and I'm white but a lot of the time it's the cultures we get too much in fucking Scotland because I don't go to football games and I'm white. But a lot of the time it's the colleges we go to, large Indian and Pakistani immigrants coming over, but they've got such good food and Scottish food is some shit. So basically I think a lot of Scottish people just didn't have time to develop racism because all these immigrants
Starting point is 00:19:41 came over and were like, look at these fucking, is that napkins? That smells good. What is that isn't that great that smells good what is that they've not deep fried it the fuck is this they're the only people that stay up until three in the morning
Starting point is 00:19:52 to feed us because no Scottish chippy stays open until fucking 3am because we're all like drinking the only people that stay awake until
Starting point is 00:19:59 3am to feed us are the immigrant population that sort of come in and they're not even immigrant anymore like the third generation Scottish people at point um but they just fucking stay up yeah so i just i think you know again i'm not gonna say they'll be like scott is not racist because i don't know sure but uh from you know i i just think we're just too we're too fat and lazy
Starting point is 00:20:19 when i went to uh edinburgh I asked for some food recommendations from your friend, Jean, our friend. Oh yeah. And everywhere she recommended was Thai or Indian or something like that. And I was like, no,
Starting point is 00:20:32 no, no. What's the Scottish? And she was like, Oh, don't eat any Scottish. When you go to Scotland, what you have to do is you just have to,
Starting point is 00:20:39 you've got to try the stuff with like deep fried pizzas for normal. That's what one thing she recommended. And I did not have it. But I did have a deep fried Mars bar. It's not that great, is it? No. Awful. I got diarrhea later that day.
Starting point is 00:20:51 Deep fried Mars bar isn't that good. No, Scottish people don't even like deep fried Mars bar. It's just something that somebody did once. Yeah. Deep fried ice cream's good. Oh, yeah. But it's like, I look like my wife on a Sunday morning
Starting point is 00:21:03 just because I spill it everywhere. It's just all down my tits. And by that I mean I feel empowered. Yeah, of course. You feel beautiful and satisfied and empowered. It glazed like a donut. I had haggis. Haggis.
Starting point is 00:21:16 Did you enjoy it? I loved it. Haggis is delicious. I fucking loved it. It's this fucking thing that, again, it's another very Scottish thing. Haggis isn't disgusting. We just describe it in a disgusting way to fuck with
Starting point is 00:21:25 American tourists and it works because I bought into that the amount of fucking yanks that have been like oh my god
Starting point is 00:21:32 isn't haggis just like like sheep intestines and you're like what do you think a fucking hot dog is every sausage is intestine and also
Starting point is 00:21:41 unlike sausages you don't eat the skin that haggis comes in you don't eat you just eat theggis comes in you don't eat you just eat the fucking mince on the inside
Starting point is 00:21:47 oh it's so good it's genuinely delicious it was delicious Americans will Americans will like will be at fucking baseball games
Starting point is 00:21:55 eating hot dogs made out of exclusively pig's arseholes and they'll be like I've never tried haggis I'm like alright okay cool
Starting point is 00:22:03 you fucking psycho oh man it was fucked up it was a dry haggis I'm like alright okay cool you fucking psycho oh man it was fucked up it was I ate so much I ate so much I ate so much haggis
Starting point is 00:22:13 I put on so much fucking weight from potatoes and shit yeah yeah yeah Scotland I do there's some
Starting point is 00:22:19 good dishes we just do fucking junk food very well the hoagie wrap is something I should have reminded you. And it's basically, this is the, this is why there's an Indian place in Leven called Real Spice.
Starting point is 00:22:34 Shout out to any fucking five-bytes. No, fucking, the family that ran fucking Real Spice, they just had to deal with drunken stone teenagers every fucking day. Like, they'd come over for whatever part of India I think they were like I think the grandparents right were the immigrants but the other ones they came over their kids and their grandkids were born in Scotland so it's a Scottish family yeah right they've got the fucking visa they're a Scottish family yeah but they're of Indian fucking background I mean they're in leave which is a scummy fucking part of Fife and they've been running this amazing fucking takeaway Indian thing until three in the morning.
Starting point is 00:23:06 And they just fully adapted to what Scotland was. Because you know chicken korma is not a real thing. Masala is not a real Indian dish. Yeah, like body chicken. They invented all of this shit for white people. Yeah, big time. You can't get it over there. No, no.
Starting point is 00:23:22 If you go over to India and you're like, can I get a korma? They're like, what the fuck are you doing? No, no. We do real curries. Like real actual fucking thing. big time you can't get it over there no no if you go over to India and you're like can I get a corn where they're like what the fuck are you doing no no we do real curries like real actual fucking thing the one at
Starting point is 00:23:29 fucking Real Spice in Scotland took it to a new level they just they saw the drunk teenagers coming in underage drinking every day
Starting point is 00:23:35 the stoners like myself coming in every fucking day and they invented a thing called the hoagie wrap and what it is is it's a big fucking bit of naan bread
Starting point is 00:23:42 doner meat chips cheese chilli sauce garlic sauce and they wrap is it's a big fucking bit of naan bread, doner meat, chips, cheese, chili sauce, garlic sauce, and they wrap it. It's thicker than your wrist, and it's about this long. Oh, my God. And it's one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten. Oh, that would fuck me up. If you cut it in half, it looks exactly like your arteries after eating it.
Starting point is 00:24:01 It's an awe. And every day you'd fucking walk in there and they would just because they're so used to it you'd walk in and they'd see your eyes and they'd go well i had a yorkie wrap a yorkie you know a yorkie oh i don't know what the fuck it's like a yorkshire pudding thing and so it's wrapped with like meat in it yeah yeah and it was I'd never fucking heard of it
Starting point is 00:24:27 but I saw it at some pub like in Inverness and I was like yeah give me that thing that looks like a burrito but it's all
Starting point is 00:24:32 bread and like carvery meat was it good it was fucking great but I was I didn't shit for three days yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:24:40 there's like one of the things you have to learn about fucking eating a lot in Scotland is that once you eat a lot
Starting point is 00:24:44 of Scottish food, if you take a shit, if you kick that shit, it will not break. Oh, dude. They come out so dense. I was either diarrhea or not shitting for days. It was,
Starting point is 00:24:55 there was no in between. There was never a normal shit. Every fart's a gamble as well. Exactly. Exactly. It's, it's, yeah,
Starting point is 00:25:04 the next morning is like your own personal vegas it's just you're in bed you're like this is gonna be a really satisfying far or a very horrible clean up it's one or the other oh this ties into the um welcome to country thing right the acknowledgement of country i um so yeah, just to wrap that up, as you were saying, we have to have those at the start of our shows here. Yeah, to acknowledge
Starting point is 00:25:30 the fucking genocide. That we have stolen the land of the indigenous. Yeah, you've necked off them. Yeah. And then you're like, but we put on one of their plays and you're like, not enough.
Starting point is 00:25:40 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop celebrating the night. Hey, but this 30 second clip at the start of my show, that should make up for it. Yeah. Because, look, it's 30 seconds at the start of each show. Yes. So that's 20 shows. Yeah, that's true.
Starting point is 00:25:53 I'm not good at math, but I think that's about an hour. Kinds. Yeah. A thousand shows. Mm-hmm. Again, not good at math, but that's about 50 years worth of, like, saws. Yeah, that's true. So 50 years worth of, like, saws is. Yeah, that's true.
Starting point is 00:26:08 So 50 years worth of saws is in a month. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot of saws. We're getting there. Yeah. You know what? Excessive, some might say. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:26:17 In fact, maybe let's dial it down. Maybe the last five shows we don't play it. No. So I had to. I'm very grateful that the fringe in Edinburgh doesn't have to do that because look where would you stop? if an England one happened
Starting point is 00:26:33 they'd be like that would be the show I know it would just be this 90 minute apology of just like sorry to India sorry to a third of the world also the technicality the australia thing was also us because there's no such thing as australians we sent them over
Starting point is 00:26:52 they did the genocide we're like not english not english they're australian now let's just give them a federation so they can so we can be divorced from the genocide so check this out i had to mc i had to host this this is the stage i'm at in my career you you were um you're at a stage in your career where you have netflix specials i'm at a stage in my career where i am hosting um corporate events great sometimes doing corporate gigs and stuff like that do you want to sit no i don't wear a suit but But I've, you know, I'm not complaining. Anyway, so I had to host this thing. It was like a town council fair day when there's a big stage and bands and stuff would come on. And I had to just host that stage.
Starting point is 00:27:34 Anyway, it's fine. They did an acknowledgement to country at the start. And this indigenous guy called Uncle Lloyd came out and did it. And as he was doing his wonderful acknowledgement of country they were setting up some stuff behind him on the stage and i was like what the fuck is this and i looked down at the schedule and it was a hot dog eating contest that was coming on next and so as he was doing his thing these 10 kids kind of came on stage and sat down and they piled up all these fucking hot dogs and i could see him getting distracted by it and they kind of came on stage and sat down and they piled up all these fucking hot dogs and i could see him
Starting point is 00:28:05 getting distracted by it and they kind of like finished it and walked off to the side of the stage and then i had to run on stage with the microphone and go give it up for uncle lloyd for the acknowledgement for country and now ladies and gentlemen it's the hot dog eating contest and everyone was like yeah like screaming shit and these kids had to eat hot dogs and then um one of them spewed all over the table and shit like projectile vomited all over the other people's hot dogs and i could just see the the uncle lloyd just standing like what what the fuck is wrong with my country what the fuck is wrong with it and then as they were cleaning up the spew post hot dog contest, the mayor of that area had to come on and give a speech where she again thanked Uncle Lloyd
Starting point is 00:28:51 and thanked the indigenous community for everything. While they were just literally squeak. I lent them my squeegee for my wife. They were squeegeeing vomit off the stage. And I really did go, wow, this is our country. We will apologize and then again take advantage of our western privilege we'll apologize and learn nothing as is the australian way yes you've been coming here for a long time have you noticed any changes in our um culture
Starting point is 00:29:19 over the last few years um no i always sort of feel like because for so many years i actually thought austral Australia was more liberal than it was because the first time I came over here, you had a prime minister who was openly female and an atheist.
Starting point is 00:29:36 Yes. That was pretty cool. What was her name? Julie Gillard. Yeah. Now, I don't mean about policies, but to like someone across
Starting point is 00:29:42 the fucking sea, I was like, oh, you're telling me that there's a fucking chick who doesn't believe in God and Australia voted that in
Starting point is 00:29:48 oh we didn't vote her in did you not no she got in through a spill yeah right so so to me I'm like Australia's the most
Starting point is 00:29:54 liberal country in the goddamn world this place is the fucking best and I came over and because I'm part of the because I'm only
Starting point is 00:30:01 doing the fucking I have such a spoiled view of Australia because I come over and I'm exclusively doing the fucking it was such a spoiled view of Australia because I come over and I'm exclusively doing the fucking comedy festivals
Starting point is 00:30:06 where look all of the comedy festival is a bunch of woke cucks yeah that's what our job is yeah we're woke cucks yeah
Starting point is 00:30:15 every single one of us even your fucking edge lords of comedy are still woke cucks when it comes to the rest of the world that's true woke cuckery is what
Starting point is 00:30:24 we all do. Yeah, we all like drama. We all like pretending. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing silly voices. So I was just like, and then it was just, I was like,
Starting point is 00:30:30 it is weird that with an openly female president who doesn't believe in God that you all definitely voted in. It's very weird with all these gays around that you're not allowing them to get married. And then after Julia Gillard did you swing in a very different
Starting point is 00:30:47 because obviously you used a very clever way you were like we've got the liberal party and I was like that's amazing liberal? are they liberal?
Starting point is 00:30:53 that's great is there a liberal party in? and then you're like oh you guys don't know what the word liberal means liberal means very conservative
Starting point is 00:31:01 yeah liberal means for all except the homos yeah I don't know what dictionary you have oh yeah. Liberal means for all except the homos. Yeah, yeah. Like, I don't know what dictionary you have. Oh, not just the... It's not just the homos. The Liberal Party also hates immigrants as well.
Starting point is 00:31:11 So don't worry. Of course. As is, you know, as is the Liberal way. Of course. Of course. Yeah, which is why I'm going to start my KKK party next year, which is all about pro-immigration. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:31:23 Because that's a confusing name. Why? Well, there's a fun little group called the Ku Klux Klan. I don't think they've ever become a fun little group before. Well, they dress up, don't they? They do. Do you know much about the history of the Ku Klux Klan? No, not really.
Starting point is 00:31:41 Man, there's an amazing podcast. I've recommended it on this before. It's called Behind the Bastards. Listen to the Clue Clucks Clan episode. What a bunch of fucking nerds the KKK were, man. Yeah? Oh, man. Do you know why they dress up as ghosts?
Starting point is 00:31:56 Because they were literally dressing up as ghosts. Okay. It's not. They were trying to scare people? Yes, 100%. I'm not fucking kidding you man the reason they dressed up as ghosts
Starting point is 00:32:09 is because they were trying that's why they were trying to scare black people out of town oh that is so cute they were like woo
Starting point is 00:32:16 like and also like this is like just after you know you know slavery's been sort of you know and we're still not past that.
Starting point is 00:32:26 There's still the fucking echoes of it. But just like you've got black families that have gone through and survived fucking slavery. And then there's these white people that are like, we'll dress up as ghosts. That'll get rid of them. That'll scare them. I can't imagine being a black person.
Starting point is 00:32:45 What is it? There's like three white guys dressed as ghosts. Bed sheets on the front. Oh my God, that is so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing, man. Fuck, we are dumb. Speaking of dumb white people finally
Starting point is 00:33:07 Christopher Pratt oh yes so this I at the top would be like I was a big fan
Starting point is 00:33:16 of Chris Pratt okay totally I love Parks and Rec Parks and Rec was excellent he's a revelation in that it's like a star making role
Starting point is 00:33:23 yeah and I love Guardians of the Galaxy I love Guardians too and I love the I think he's fucking revelation in that it's like a star making role yeah uh and i love guardians of the galaxy i love guardians and i love the i think he's fucking good and all that um he always seems like man he seems so friendly he's so cool like he's like he does you know he's much like chris evans in the fact that he does so much for the what's that what's them cancer kids call make a wish yeah there's a lot of that like he's clearly he's clearly a good person yeah he clearly is and he's funny
Starting point is 00:33:46 he's one of those guys who's like funny but in real life yeah and he's genuine as well yeah like there's a that being said
Starting point is 00:33:54 yeah fuck does he love God and that was a surprise to me yeah yeah and not look look I
Starting point is 00:34:01 we all know I'm fucking an atheist I'm assuming you are yeah yeah but you know I used to be a much angrier sort of atheist when I hated religious people. Me too. Whereas now I'm just like, which is the worst type of fucking atheist to be. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:13 Well, I went from very Catholic to very atheist and now I'm in a, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Like, if you believe, if it makes you feel good, that's fine. Don't bring it out. Don't, but in the same way that I'm not going to force my atheism on anyone else. Don't be, don't be doing it all in public. Yeah. I'm not going to force my thesis on anyone else don't be don't be doing it all in public
Starting point is 00:34:26 you've got your buildings go into your building with your friends put on your robes do your thing it makes you happy it makes you happy yeah
Starting point is 00:34:34 but he's real he's real Christian well he's like Hillsong essentially I don't even think it's Hillsong that he's in but it's there's some other one
Starting point is 00:34:44 that's basically Hillsong and they're called like Zaya or something. Like a cool Christian church. Justin Bieber's in it as well. Is Biebs a Christian? Big time. Is he? Big time. What with all them fucking tats?
Starting point is 00:34:59 Well, yeah. That's the thing. That's the new Christianity. Christianity is now like having a cool haircut, heaps of tats, and like... And not reading the book. Not reading the book. Being beautiful. Don't get tats.
Starting point is 00:35:11 Explicitly saying. Oh my God. No, it's bizarre. So yeah, his... I didn't know he was Christian until that James Gunn thing happened. Yeah, so James Gunn got fired for... No, this was one of the things with the James Gunn thing. I was like, oh man, that guy's been fucking fired for his tweets like 12 years ago
Starting point is 00:35:25 what's the community we're in now Jesus fucking Christ and then I read some of the kids I'm like fucking that is about seven too many
Starting point is 00:35:31 pedo jokes buddy like some of them were just the punchline is and then I fucked a kid and I was like you know what you are working
Starting point is 00:35:39 for Disney I thought this was like the left to fucking outrage this whole sort of fucking thing that being said I do agree that
Starting point is 00:35:46 people could change but like he wasn't working for Disney when he did those no no no but still it's a heck
Starting point is 00:35:52 look it's a lot I'm a fan of a pedo joke as much as the next guy is but these were just pedo comments
Starting point is 00:35:58 yeah they weren't funny no it was just the punchline was pedophilia yeah but you know everyone agreed that he changed
Starting point is 00:36:06 and he apologised for them and all that sort of stuff Batista's stance was excellent Batista just I'm falling more
Starting point is 00:36:15 in love with that man every fucking day he's fucking great he's just a fucking dude he's just
Starting point is 00:36:19 he's fucking cool he's writing those movies he was like because this whole thing was like you're all judging
Starting point is 00:36:24 James off of a bunch of tweets from 14 years ago that we all know are fucking wrong and he's apologised for them cool great nose movies he was like because this whole thing was like you're all judging James off of a bunch of tweets from 14 years ago that we all know are fucking wrong and he's apologised for them that doesn't justify them I know him as a person
Starting point is 00:36:31 I've seen how much it shapes and I've seen the act of good he's doing I'm going to fucking stand by him through this Karen Gillan did the same Bradley Cooper did the same I think Batista
Starting point is 00:36:37 even went further he said if they don't hire James Gunn back I won't do it yeah make it sound because he saw the change and it wasn't he was like I can actively see the change in this person and James Gunn and everyone and a lot of people surrounding James Gunn back. I won't do it. Yeah, make it sound. Because he saw the change. And he was like, I can actively see the change in this person.
Starting point is 00:36:47 And James Gunn and everyone. And a lot of people surrounding James Gunn had said that. Chris Pratt was like, I'm going to go and pray about this. And that was when I was just like, you're going to fucking what, cunt? And I don't know why it doesn't sit with me well. Well, when I saw that, because I didn't follow him on or instagram you know i never even thought to follow him on those things then when i saw that he said i need to go pray and reflect on this i was like what hang on let me check out this guy's social media and it's all god all the time is it it's like photos of him
Starting point is 00:37:18 holding lambs with like quotes from the bible um his instagram is all like he made a crucifix out of like a fucking tree branch that he chopped down he's very into guns he is he's very he's definitely he's 100 percent republican yeah but he also says he's not yeah but it's like buddy buddy you're praying you've got a gun yeah you're a republican that's not a good disguise he's also engaged to a fucking Schwarzenegger now
Starting point is 00:37:48 he is after getting a divorce which is also had he read that book he's a big fan of like it's this it's this type of thing because my thing is
Starting point is 00:37:56 look I really like fucking Christians who are just like I believe in God and I'm not aware of how fucked the Bible is I like the Christians who are like
Starting point is 00:38:03 look I don't have the fucking answers I'm not fucking God I believe there's a fucking heaven I believe there's a fucking afterlife it makes me feel good I know the Bible's fucked I don't stick fucking religiously to it I think God is open to it I'm like that's fair because you're aware of how fucked the Old Testament
Starting point is 00:38:18 is and how backwards even a lot of the fucking New Testament fucking is being like aye look a bunch of it's wrong because their thing is like aye the Bible was written by man that's why there's so much fucking flawed shit in it and i'm like you know it's a bit of a shit argument but i fucking respect it where it is when you were i'm going to pray to make a decision that you drawing a line in the sand of i'm a fool fucking christian yeah you can't have tattoos and you can't get divorced you can't get divorced buddy you're not a christ. It specifically fucking says it.
Starting point is 00:38:45 That really pissed me off too because it's like, I'm going to go make a, I'm going to go pray and God will tell me what to do with this big corporation. You know, like it's a business decision
Starting point is 00:38:55 at the end of the day. It has nothing to do with God. What the fuck would God care about you doing a movie? And also, we are very aware of how God feels about people who work with pedophiles.
Starting point is 00:39:05 Yeah, yeah. I'll be honest with you, Chris. That's the most Catholic thing I've seen you do. Standing by a man who talked about pedophilia a lot. Yeah, that's the most Catholic thing you've done.
Starting point is 00:39:19 Yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. But the worst thing is I know if I met him he would be so nice. Well, I love him on every time I see him in a talk show or Graham Norton or something. I'm like, I would be friends with him. That's true. But the worst thing is, I know if I met him, he would be so nice. Well, I love him. Every time I see him in a talk show or Graham Norton or something,
Starting point is 00:39:27 I'm like, I would be friends with him. He's got, he's check, yeah. But it's just, it's that one bit where you just get one part of your brain off.
Starting point is 00:39:35 There's one dark bit. I've got these two friends I went through high school with and I see them every couple of years. Like, we run into each other. They both live in Sydney so every now and then
Starting point is 00:39:43 I see them and we have a good time and I always forget that they're incredibly christian until about two hours into hanging out with them when it comes out because they're very cool they're very funny they all they also are covered in tattoos they're like young hip like he's a graphic designer she's a fashion designer and all this shit and they're cool they've got a taste in music and stuff and then they'll be like hey what are you doing next weekend we should go hang out or something i'm like yeah what do you want to do and they'll just then it'll slowly start to slip in that they're inviting me to a service they'll be like well we're catching up with some friends of ours um on sunday yeah
Starting point is 00:40:18 oh really what time about 11 yeah bring some loose change. Yeah, is there any food? Yeah, there's a little biscuit. Do you like wine? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Are you a fan of architecture? Well, this building. You're going to love this building.
Starting point is 00:40:36 I'm going to introduce you to this guy. He's such a good public speaker. Oh, God. Think of it more like a book book club and only one of us has read the book but don't worry he'll give a great summary and then he'll kind of tell you what that chapter meant in terms of his own life yeah yeah some shit that happened to him that way yeah is this like a christian thing no no no no no no no no yes yeah yeah no lying is a sin very much christian they're Hillsong
Starting point is 00:41:05 because Hillsong has a band. That's their whole thing. What is Hillsong? Hillsong is the cool youth Christian church that has taken over the world. I'm going to draw... When you said cool there, you did not do air quotes.
Starting point is 00:41:16 No, no, no. Well, you know, the air quotes are implied when I'm talking about Christianity. Do you know I went to Christian camp when I was young? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:22 Because I was, my entire family, apart from my mom and my dad, but the extended family was all fucking religious as shit. But there was a thing called fucking, it was called Teen Ranch, which in hindsight
Starting point is 00:41:37 is a very pedo name for a Christian camp. Teen Ranch. Yeah, they're just, giddy up y'all. Yeah. But it was a place where once every summer
Starting point is 00:41:44 you go there for like a week so I used to go to the church youth group every Sunday and the reason I didn't know because they had free juice
Starting point is 00:41:50 free fucking biscuits and the deal was do you want to play football and get games with your friends for 55 minutes and then for 5 minutes we'll make you sing a song
Starting point is 00:41:58 about a man that doesn't exist I'm like alright that's pretty much the same Christmas trade off that's so fucking strange I didn't even know about these things oh man I went
Starting point is 00:42:06 I went to fucking Christian camp so it was a team match went once I think I went twice but it was for a week you went fucking horse riding
Starting point is 00:42:13 you went like fucking shooting they were training you to be a young Republican yeah yeah you went kayaking like it was it was really really good fun and the trade off was
Starting point is 00:42:21 you look you're surrounded by a bunch of fucking cool hella like you know sitting on the chair backwards I'll'll tell you yeah yeah yeah i'll tell you about a little guy called jc let me tell you about the first captain america yeah this guy was captain america and he was pretty cool he was pretty cool you know he didn't have a shield he had sandals yeah you know he didn't have a shield. He was the shield. My shield.
Starting point is 00:42:49 And I just argued with him all the time. I didn't argue. I just obeyed with him. You know, I always got told off for rolling my eyes. Because your family aren't Catholic or anything? Mum was. Mum was religious for a bit. And then I think after my sister died, my dad was like, fucking reign that in immediately.
Starting point is 00:43:06 And she was like, fair. Yeah. Yeah, I get it now. Yeah, because I grew up just completely, this is how religious my family is. There's two Australian cardinals, two Australians who have risen to the rank of cardinal in the Catholic Church. One of them, George Pell, is going to jail. For being a nonce. For being a nonce. The other one is my uncle. Who is? Cardinal in the Catholic Church. One of them, George Pell, is going to jail. For being a nonce? For being a nonce. The other one is my uncle.
Starting point is 00:43:26 Great. Who is? Cardinal Cassidy. And he's not a... Apparently not. No. He's also got Alzheimer's now, which kicked in about two years ago, weirdly. So, who knows?
Starting point is 00:43:41 Yeah, who knows? So, I was just raised around Catholics around Christian religious people my whole life I didn't even know you couldn't believe in God
Starting point is 00:43:51 I didn't even know that was an option and that's how they get you yeah it's like believing in God is the fucking dumb thing that's just life right and then it wasn't
Starting point is 00:43:59 until high school when I started meeting people who'd be like oh you still believe in God that's like that i'd stop believing in god when i was like two or whatever and i was like what like it's this tooth fairy you can grow out of it yeah and it really fucked i reckon there was a big like 10 year period there where i was like vacillating between oh i definitely believe and then just i don't and now i've settled on i don't but i also i don I don't know. We're not as angry about it anymore.
Starting point is 00:44:25 I'm not as angry about it anymore. But yeah, I remember the first time I met someone who even just was like, I don't think God is a man in the sky. I think God is an energy that kind of radiates amongst us all. And I was like, I don't even fucking know what to do with that information. What do you mean? I literally think God is a man. He's up there.
Starting point is 00:44:43 He's got a staff. Yeah. Like his brother is Gandalf. Yeah. That there he's got a staff yeah like his brother is gandalf yeah that's how i see it brother is dumbledore i never saw it as anything other than a guy with a beard and stuff i just couldn't wrap my head around any other concept yeah like look he just god knows the flight plans for all the because he knows everything so whenever planes are going over he runs and hides behind other clouds because you know seeing him would be too easy it's a big game of hide and seek in the
Starting point is 00:45:05 sky oh that's kind of cute to imagine him like running to hide behind the clouds he peeks out just waving he raves at one catholic every year no one i'll say that don't worry thank no one will ever believe you oh yeah well we did it we took down Chris Brown and Christianity is dead you are welcome before we go any further the other thing speaking of
Starting point is 00:45:32 white problematic white people I introduced you to one of my favourite my favourite things on Twitter
Starting point is 00:45:39 today now one thing before we go into this I want to make something fucking crystal clear to people that are listening to this. Please do not
Starting point is 00:45:48 engage with this person because of this fucking podcast. This is like one of those indigenous fucking tribes that hasn't been touched by society yet. Just let it happen. Don't ruin this for me. I've been studying this man for a year. Please don't interact with him. Please don't do anything
Starting point is 00:46:04 he fucking says. He's on Twitter. His name is tony johns now do you have his uh i do it's at tony johns t-o-n-y-j-o-h-n-s zero zero zero so this guy is uh he's go on twitter and just if you follow him you're gonna have to make because he retweets every single thing somebody tweets to him so you have to go into one of his retweets and go show less often the retweets by Tony Jones
Starting point is 00:46:30 and then you'll get a clear feed if you go to his media and care to explain you're new to this I've been saying this man for years
Starting point is 00:46:38 so I've got too much to say about him you've just been introduced I literally have known about this guy for an hour and I've gone years deep into his timeline.
Starting point is 00:46:47 He's fascinating. Bio. Bio is he's a 6'4", 100% Italian, then the tongue emoji and then his phone number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which he hands out
Starting point is 00:46:58 regularly, by the way. Yeah, he's always giving out his phone number, I've noticed. You know how you can have a website link in your Twitter bio? His is Pornhub.com.
Starting point is 00:47:07 And he's this tall Italian guy. He's got the worst fucking face I've ever seen on a person. He's got a literal butthole mouth. He's too fucking fake tanned. And the way he talks in his videos, he sounds like that guy from The Hateful Late. Yeah, Walton Goggins. Walton Goggins.
Starting point is 00:47:24 Sounds like if walton goggins was on geordie shore yeah yeah and was also seriously addicted to fucking meth and how would you describe this guy he's i for so long i thought he was a character it feels like a comedy character right but it's perfect it's perfect but it's 100 not i've been following this for a year it's too it's it's a level of un-self-awareness I can't begin to people that are un-self-aware fascinate me yeah
Starting point is 00:47:49 because like I you know I think I'm self-aware like and you know a lot of my fucking job and I'm probably not I've definitely got
Starting point is 00:47:58 fucking blind spots but people who have no self-awareness and just like you believe everything it kind of looks like bliss. Yeah. It looks like a life of just pure joy because you get no reflection.
Starting point is 00:48:12 You're not looking back at yourself and judging your behavior. No. So what does he tell? Tell everyone what he does. What his main thing is. He claims to be a shagger. Yeah. He calls himself the ladies man.
Starting point is 00:48:23 He just posts videos of him with his dick. And he's just a fair play to him. He's got a decent sized dick. I. So he's going to the ladies man. He just posts videos of him with his dick out. And he's just, hey, fair play to him. He's got a decent sized dick. I'm not going to fucking dress him up like that. I've only ever seen it soft.
Starting point is 00:48:30 Yeah, I had a look and I got great self-esteem about myself looking at it. I was like, oh, nice. Yeah. I should put some dick stuff up online. He aerates all of his
Starting point is 00:48:39 dirty laundry. Him and his ex-girlfriend Katie continuously go to stuff where she fakes pregnancies and he posts the screen grabs of all the conversations that her friends send him
Starting point is 00:48:49 and there's so many pictures he posts of like all the because he puts his number on Twitter all the time and just the names he saves people at is horrific have you seen them? Like Latina Big Arse. Latino Big Arse Twitter under 60 oh yeah Catfish don't answer.
Starting point is 00:49:05 Like his phone book is just all these fucking horrible things. Okay. Okay. Please follow this man. Get into it. And the last thing I want to do is do not fucking pile on. Fucking he's happy. He doesn't seem to be fucking hurting anyone.
Starting point is 00:49:17 Don't fucking bully him. Don't pick on him. Just enjoy. Just enjoy this deer. Right. Don't honk the fucking horn. Don't startle it. Just let us enjoy nature that's a great bit of advice because i reckon a lot of a lot of podcasts would do a
Starting point is 00:49:30 call out to drag this guy let's not do it let's observe him just observe him just enjoy what it is fucking study this man he's fascinating don't you know don't piss in the ocean, guys. No, no, no. And 17 will get you 20. That's all I'm going to say. And if you watch that video, you know what I'm talking about. Heath, I love him so much. And I hate him at the same time. Like, it upsets me that he exists. It's annoying because I looked at it and went, well, that's a character I would love to do.
Starting point is 00:50:00 But now there's no point because this guy already exists for real. It's his catchphrase man you gotta see the ass on this gym we got out of here baby he talks like that but he is like just a white dude from solid city oh baby we are about it tonight i i i find i can't get enough of them but i also can like it fills me with rage a lot of the time. And then I'm just fascinated. And also, if anyone has recommendations like that, don't tag them in, obviously. We do not encourage fucking bullying on this podcast
Starting point is 00:50:36 to people that don't do it. Only bully your friends. That's the one rule I always have. Mouselessly. Mouselessly bully your friends. Being horrible to them is what makes us be better for people but you don't bully
Starting point is 00:50:46 strangers and you don't bully people over the internet unless you're friends in which case fucking have at it yeah but you know we don't know this
Starting point is 00:50:53 person so don't fucking pile on it but if you do if you're like me and you're a fan of studying certain creatures online please send me your
Starting point is 00:51:02 fucking links because I do you know do you know this this is like it's like an interview up my alley when you sent this to me i was like well it's like you're appearing right into my soul because this is i find myself getting micro focused on freaks all the time and i read everything that they've ever done and i look at every single post of theirs comedians will know there's a there was a comedian i won't mention his name uh but uh on the circuit we're all
Starting point is 00:51:23 comedians for years just found him fascinating it was an open spot and everyone just followed him on Twitter just because we're like what is he going to say next like what is going on here our friend Barry Castagnola
Starting point is 00:51:33 knew a guy who was I was mentioning before this guy performed at Butlins he was like a fucking good car fucking player
Starting point is 00:51:39 for like caravan fucking parts but just thought he was a legit celebrity like right but because he was on a small but just thought he was a legit celebrity like right but uh because he was on a small fucking island and he was like i'm a fucking rock star and it was just no self awareness yeah and barry was obsessed with him he just had to go down this fucking hole of just i love i love that too i love people that have i have an ego that doesn't match their
Starting point is 00:52:02 position in the world yeah when they're like outsized, crazy ego, but they are such a clear fucking loser on the like totem pole. I can't, I get locked in on them. I met a magician who was exactly that guy. And I, I went and watched his fucking show.
Starting point is 00:52:19 I went, I met him like doing gigs around town and I got so hooked that I was like, I'm going to watch this guy for an hour. And I just went by myself and just watched this guy. How was it? Horrible. Terrible magician. Terrible banter.
Starting point is 00:52:33 He kept having little breakdowns on stage and going like, um, he just kept like stopping and like putting his head in his hands and being like, oh guys, sorry. I just had a fucking big week. and then he'd like to tell a little story about some chick that he was fucking or something that clearly wasn't true or happened years ago or something it was like oh god i just love these people oh it just yeah it's like an internet safari or yeah if anyone has any other recommendations i'll see if i can find that one body was talking yeah yeah and i'll send them through to you and the last thing I want to talk to you
Starting point is 00:53:07 about is while we're speaking of I guess fucking you know studying on the internet or whatever your podcast
Starting point is 00:53:16 Finding Drago I feel I've recommended it on the podcast before that's a perfect fucking one of course that's a perfect
Starting point is 00:53:22 example of times I've gotten obsessed with people obsessed with people I don't want to give anything away because it's a seven-part series. I listened to it all in one day while I was knitting. First of all, I listened to it out of sheer brand loyalty. You're one of my friends. I fucking like listening to you talk.
Starting point is 00:53:42 I wasn't expecting it to be that fucking good. I got hooked on this podcast, man. It's so good. It's so fascinating. I don like listening to you talk I wasn't expecting it to be that fucking good I got hooked on this podcast man it's so fascinating I don't want to give too much away I would just everyone I've
Starting point is 00:53:51 recommended it to has fucking loved it I know the podcast listeners on this will fucking love it finding Drago and I'll give the two
Starting point is 00:53:59 things is I'll do this episode and then I'll give them all like two weeks to listen to the fucking podcast oh yeah we'll do another two woke cups in a couple them like two weeks to listen to the fucking podcast and then we'll do another two woke cucks
Starting point is 00:54:06 in a couple of weeks because I've got a whole bunch of fucking questions yeah that's good that's a good idea so this is we're basically just giving them fucking homework
Starting point is 00:54:14 to go listen to this this is the call out so that way in two weeks time nobody can be like spoilers you've got two fucking weeks to listen to this
Starting point is 00:54:19 three and a half hour podcast you'll be fucking grand your family listened to it I'm pretty sure oh I made them all listen to it on the we were all in New York together made them all listen to it on the, we were all in New York together. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:27 They all listened to it on the fucking plane. Yeah, because your mum tweeted it, Alexei and I. Yeah, yeah. We were like, holy crap,
Starting point is 00:54:32 that's awesome. That's fucking awesome. Do you have anything else to plug? No, just Finding Drago. Oh, and when's this going to come out? Oh, today.
Starting point is 00:54:40 Okay. Come see my Melbourne Comedy Festival show. I open on Tuesday and I'm going for two weeks. Okay. What time is it on? 8.30 at the Greek Center. It's called Strawberry Blonde.
Starting point is 00:54:51 And your name is Cameron James. That's right. You ready for it? All right. Now, I didn't really prepare for this because I got really too deep on Tony John's. Yeah, which is fair. Which is fair. How many did you write?
Starting point is 00:55:03 I've got two, eight shit man i got three cool i'll start all right your dad is tony john okay my first one is your dad is at tony john zero zero zero great mind thinking life but fools really differ it's the end of that your dad writes Pauline Hanson fan fiction your dad's so dumb you can hear the typos when he talks
Starting point is 00:55:37 your dad takes his socks off with his teeth just after a hard day at work. Oh, that's good. That's good. Your dad's kinks are scat and Nazis. His favorite porno is The Diarrhea of Anne Frank. That one was reverse engineered. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:04 Your dad calls math nature's cocaine. Oh, that's good. Fuck, I'm running to the end of mine. Your dad is such a feminist. When he was born, he came out tongue last. Your dad practices his lines outside for 10 minutes before ordering a Starbucks. He's got such social anxiety. Your dad practices his lines outside for 10 minutes before ordering a Starbucks. My poor dad. He's got such social anxiety.
Starting point is 00:56:29 He shouldn't be allowed outside. Your dad helps me squeegee up after all those men fuck my wife. He's one of them. Your dad buys his bread from Subway. He just walks in like it's a normal bakery doing their finest loves please
Starting point is 00:56:49 well no the in-laws are coming around so maybe I don't know some hearty Italian thinly sliced please speaking of hearty Italian do you follow Tony Jones your dad eats pussy
Starting point is 00:56:59 like Tony Jones like a king then yeah like a king like a king your dad's karaoke song is All The Things She Said by Tattoo shit that's a good then. Yeah, like a king. Like a king. Your dad's karaoke song is All the Things She Said by Tattoo. Shit,
Starting point is 00:57:07 that's a good one. Yeah. That is actually a beautiful song. I'm out of, I'm out of. I got, I got two more.
Starting point is 00:57:12 Alright, hit me. Your dad pisses with his trousers down at his ankles. You know, like, you know,
Starting point is 00:57:18 like you do until you're five. And your dad wants any woman as a prostitute if you're rich enough written on his tombstone oh shit
Starting point is 00:57:34 I gotta be honest the subway one was the one I think that was the one that's a real joke you could do that anywhere yeah do it fly in his loves
Starting point is 00:57:43 and then he sticks them both in like his little fucking little fucking big air hole in the front of his bike. Yeah, in his bike. And pretends he's in France, just cycling down Melbourne streets. Ah, I've got to get home to my quaint little family. May I see the cheese room, please? It's just cheddar, Old English, and Swiss. Oh, la-di-da. Well, when in Rome ah
Starting point is 00:58:07 triangles just as the French take it right so podcast listeners your homework in the next two weeks is to listen to
Starting point is 00:58:15 Finding Drago where I will then have you on for another episode of Two Old Cucks and once we do our 20 minutes of just fucking around
Starting point is 00:58:23 at the start I'll have several questions for you that'll be good and your homework is also to check out TonyJohn000 TonyJohn's and again
Starting point is 00:58:30 I don't have to say this again but well don't fucking interact with them don't fucking engage with them I know it's tempting to text them
Starting point is 00:58:37 don't don't text them just leave just like it's don't disturb the wildlife yeah
Starting point is 00:58:44 thank you bye

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