Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Unsolicited Acts of Service

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

In full Indian garb Muggins and Cream offload about the persistent demands to assist them throughout their day, in a world where subtle hints, social cues, and direct "No"'s don't seem to land they shoulder the ancestral guilt of resorting to rudeness. After a brief "Happy Holi" break they return more colourful both visually and in spirit to discuss book to movie/game adaptations. #24   Improve the contents of your fridge with delicious cider from our partner Thistly Cross using your 10% off discount code. Enjoy! www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: thistlysloss10   Join us at Altitude festival for a live podcast in the Alps, 1-5 April 2024. Get discounted festival tickets with your 10% discount code. www.altitudefestival.com Discount Code: mugginsandcream24

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? You look nice.

Thank you. What are you wearing? Who's that? This is Ralph Lauren. Is it? Yeah, I think so. But I hope nothing happens to it. This is a knockoff one. I got this from a lad from Blive.

Yeah. He's the lad that does the knockoff England shirts and that. I was just panicking there. I was trying to think if there was any pun between like a major clothing brand and Indian names. In a Gucci,

down there. Gucci, Ralph Lauren. Problem is, I don't dress fancy, so I don't know the name of any good brands. Nah,

the noise next door would have blasted about seven points by then, wouldn't it? That's what they got at. Yeah. That sort of stuff.

Mark Norman would have sex. Aye, do you think so? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. That's the type of comic he is. So we're in Indian Gob, for the people who are listening, most of you. Yeah. If you're watching, we're just essentially Robin Romesh now.

Just doing a wee travel show and wendy and gob um we're gonna uh do our last gig in calcutta tonight yes and then we're gonna fly home through the night uh-huh and then we're gonna just enjoy being ignored by staff oh my god oh the fucking i cannot wait to get back to the apathy of the average British hotel staff member. Where British, to all the times I've complained about British hotels in the past, can I just thank you for actually doing the bare minimum? Right, I didn't.

You got like shown what you thought you wanted and decided it wasn't for you. You got given such a fresh sense of perspective. If nobody serves me, I'm going to stamp your foot in a minute. You want service, do you? No, I'm okay. Are you sure you don't want service?

I'm absolutely fine standing where I am. Okay, sir, thank you. We'll not bother you again. Goes away, tells his friend. His friend comes over. He just said you didn't want any service. I don't need anything. Well, I mean, we can do anything in this hotel for you.

Man, that's really lovely to know. Thank you so much. Okay. Goes and tells his boss, have I dare to, and if they're lying about this, you can tell me how far fucking both of them.

They say you don't want anything. Leave me the goddamn fuck alone, man. I mean, I've been milking it. I've had my feet washed. Did I get your feet washed? No. I bet you did

before the massage. Oh yeah, yeah. Because we went for a massage and just to set us down. I was like, did I get your feet washed? no I bet you did before the massage oh yeah yeah that's because we went for a massage and she just sat us down I was like I don't mean a sit down massage but it's a bit more like a lap dance at that point

and she just started washing me from trotters I was like oh thanks mate cheers bud I was going to do that later yeah you've been to the point that you've went

right this is what this culture is I'm going to lean into it you've been, to the point that you've went, right, this is what this culture is. I'm going to lean into it. You've like, because people are like, no social awareness. No social awareness. No social cues. No spatial awareness. Social cues are out the window. No boundaries.

They don't pick up on like, hey, there's no, you can't awkward silence someone into leaving or not doing anything. You have to be rude. Silence is only awkward for you if you let it hang there they're not awkward about it they'll they'll come up and engage in a conversation and then let it go flat on their terms and not disengage just stand right beside you you'll be like oh well look at the time am i well am i just am I just drinking this glass of wine in front of you then am I just being fucking witness I'll bring you a drink and just stand away

okay so you in the airport made me laugh because you were just like right is this what it is then people are just pushing

into each other I'm going to be pushing into everybody if the system is fucking rudeness and that's the game oh I'm so ready to play I was born for this

he's starting to enjoy it now go on Daniel physically moving people to the side of the escalator because Indians will just get on an escalator and stand

bang in the fucking middle bang in the middle no attempt to walk on travelators you know the ones across the ground they don't walk on those they stand in the fucking middle

right also unfathomably slower than the UK travelators yeah they walk like in about quarter of the the the travelator goes a quarter of the pace of walking yeah and the stand on them like normally if you're in uh if you're in australia europe or the uk and you're a traveler

and somebody's in front of you all it normally takes is just slightly heavier footfalls because even if they've got headphones in they can hear someone's coming up behind them and they go oh fuck i'm in the way man you could stomp somebody man somebody could have a drink in there an indian man could have a drink of water in his hand and i could be stomping behind him and it could be the scene from jurassic park and there will still be nothing in his head that suggests that he might need to get the fuck out of the way of everyone else i've started started physically moving people, like grabbing them by the shoulders and moving them to the... I've seen it, aye. And they're just tickered because that is, you know, you see stuff on

the road where like someone will pull out and they'll slam the brakes on. Nobody gets angry. They just go, yep, that's how it is here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And nobody's getting angry about it. So when you've been like physically moving people out the way, they're just like, yep, that's how we live. That's what I would have done if someone was in front of me. The bit that I'm getting wrong, and this is the bit where like i need to work on my being better at this indian culture you've got to do that with apathy oh i've got to stop saying

you fucking can't get out my fucking way die etc etc a guy played a fucking blinder with me on the flight yesterday he bore witness to it yeah so we're on the front row of the flight, which just like means you can't put your bag under the seat in front of you. Your bag has to go above you in the locker. If you're late on the flight, you're just fucking trying to get an attendant to put it halfway through.

Oh, and there's no... Speedy boarding in India means nothing. It just means you've thrown 50 quid into the fucking ether. Everything's a free-for-all. Yeah, there's no such thing Like we left them with cricket Racism towards each other

Thankfully we didn't give them our food Glad they kept that They did not get cue in from us Nah that was something that just went nah not for me Let's all just jam in and bottleneck yeah um so i get on the flight there's you sat where you're sat on the end row there's this guy like maybe he's like mid-50s um sat at the window seat and i'm in the middle seat now he has got his big like um not even a rucksack like an actual it's on wheels it's on wheels with a like a bundle roll

on top of it and it's just there where my legs are meant to be and I just like asked him I was just like is this yours

and he just like kind of mumbled something and then I went like I asked him again and I heard the word mine yeah right

and then I started pushing it in front of his knees so that I could get in it was the only way I could sit doing I was like well if you kind of keep it there which it's kind of getting taken away anyway why the fuck do I have to sit with him in front of his knees so that I could get in. It was the only way I could sit. And I was like, well, if you kind of keep it there,

which it's kind of get taken away anyway. Why the fuck do I have to sit with in front of me knees for this bit? But like, he's not even fucking moving his legs and he's a big guy and I'm fucking wedging it into the thing. And then he pulls his mask down and went, I said, it's not mine.

And I was like, I can only apologize. You had your mask on and I heard you mumble. I just thought you said mine. And then I'm so sorry, mate. And then, um the steward saw the commotion come and took this bag away whoever that was i just thought it belonged to them or whatever and then took it away and i'm just like awkwardly sat next to this guy that i've just totally fucked up with in the luggage carousel after the flight right i see this guy fucking waddle up pick up that bag off the carousel and leave the airport with it.

It was his. He was just waiting for it to get checked into the hold. And he played it like it wasn't his to make me look like a proper cunt. He looked at it sheepishly as well, like a bit of shame in his eyes and like looking at his feet when he walked away because he'd been rumbled.

And I was like, no, man. That one. That one you fucking did us. I sat there feeling like an old prick for ages when he should have been. Aye. This episode is sponsored

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thank you for the support the thing that's making you angry though is I've got a much higher threshold of tolerance than you do like infinitely and it's starting great on me and it is unsolicited acts of service oh like i wouldn't just walk into a bar and start fucking day and stand up and then just like tell them that

i'll owe his money yes that would be insane that would be fucking madness yeah the the sheer amount of people that just try and fucking like... I'm going to do this thing for you. I don't even want to do that. I don't need you to do this thing. Put me fly back down. I want to look like that. Just putting a fly up for you.

Look, please do not take this to mean that we are hating our time in India. Like the places that we're staying, the places we've got to see, the people that we get to meet and eat and drink with and hang out with and meet and sometimes we can meet fans after the show sometimes it's just not fucking viable all of the gigs have been amazing the hotels we're staying at

we're beyond obviously privileged to get to experience what we're doing but it's we're 10 days in we're getting looked after so well but like i'm i'm so sick of random strangers like 20 an hour trying to like like pleases i can't wait to walk into a uk hotel right and at no point beef take have my bag taken away from me but always within my eyesight but just

sorry I'll take this don't take it man we're not in a cramped corridor it's not a cramped fucking lobby now there's three of us in this conversation yeah

just give me my fucking but I don't there was an absolute fucking blind at the day right guy recognised you check in but you didn't make it

all the way to the check in desk because our promoters managed to get my bags in we got my passports back and our things were walked away but the guy after the guy at the counter had spotted you fan recognized you loves you he's smiling away he's like he's getting a bit closer oh he's gone and then he like you there they show their emotions into people and he was just like showed he was a bit devastated and then ravine i was like well if you can get through like the other side where i pass i'll introduce you to him you can get a photo with him and he come through this member of staff absolutely buzzing to meet you done the thing

where like you introduced himself shook your hand and then and then said nothing else and then stood there and then you just like oh it's like really good we're traveling india told him a few places you'd been and then when you finish speaking he's just there like yes sir and I'm like would you like a photo he's like yeah yeah we'll get a photo take a fucking photo I'm like thank you so much man

like I even though you even though you weren't able to come to the show last night I promise you we're going to be back in India because we're having such an amazing time

there's no way I'll not be back I love this country too much to not experience it again and then he stood there for an extra two fucking minutes offering nothing get a photo get a photo maybe plates kind of bored in a minute to not experience it again and then he stood there for an extra two fucking minutes offering nothing but there was another guy with him and the guy took the camera off him and took the photo got

a couple of photos here give it back and then he as if he brought you an amazing gift just went uh this is vishnu or whatever uh he's just gonna look at the God yeah yes okay it wasn't vision it wasn't him I didn't have any glasses on I wasn't many glasses introduced this guy who hadn't spoke not the whole time and then when he's gonna look after you and then what we're like no he's not no he's not taking guys with me nobody's looking after me in this fucking airport i am it was like fucking mephisto's little guy yeah he's like he'll just carry your bag for you i'm like it's a rucksack i'm wearing a rucksack passport oh i need that i'm like what do you want to be fair to be fair this is our fault though

historically this is our fault this is what British culture did to them I don't know if we created the caste system or whether it's a much more historical thing here and whether British occupation exacerbated it, that would be something I definitely have to research

but this idea of they have to do everything for like someone is definitely something we forced upon them and you know i guess i'll fucking pay the price for it now because you just i i feel like it comes with a portion of guilt the the the the turning them away thing all the time comes with a portion of guilt. But I think I would personally feel guiltier if I just let them just take, like, just do everything around us,

like buzzing around us. Just like, I don't want to be like some kind of deity. That would feel imperialistic for me to accept that on every turn. And so this, it comes with rudeness on either side but like this is an emotion that we're just gonna have to fucking deal with because it's ancestrally and also man you know it's the fucking culture it's a different country this is the way things are you know you're allowed to observe it and find both positives and negatives in it but I cannot I cannot fucking wait to just be

ignored oh god you just be ignored all the time to just have have like not to not as bad as Australia not as bad as Australia not as badralia where it's like i cannot believe that you're about to make me do the job that i am massively overpaid for that's that side of the spectrum right australia is the worst service anywhere in the world bar none india it's too good so india could be fucking amazing if there was just one slight cultural shift if they just went can I do that for you and you could answer yes or no yeah

if they just made it a binary option the amount of times you could just go oh no thanks in the turn away oh no thanks ain't a thing it's not an option they physically take your bag off it's removed an option no thank no thanks does not mean they physically take your bag off yeah yeah it's removed from you um and yeah i i don't i don't need walked up to my room with my suitcase i fucking i don't want to set a fucking elevator with someone i don't know and for them to

fucking just how's your day sir none of your business absolutely none of your fucking business how my day is right but now i'll ask about your day okay all of a sudden you've you've just spoke to some random dude more than you've spoke to me yeah I miss I miss British room service right cuz first of all not all British hotels do room service because they're like fuck you get delivery you can and come down and not only get delivery come down and get it yourself you lazy fat fuck that's what you get i miss that so much i just had room service there right and uh he comes in british room service they just give you the fucking plate they'll hand it to you at the fucking door and be like there you go there's your food enjoy that you fat slob and the way you get rid of it is you just leave outside the door at y drws a bydd yn dweud, dyma chi, dyma eich bwyd. Mwynhau hynny, chi'n ffadl. Ac mae'r ffordd rydych chi'n ei gael i'w gael, yw i'w gadael ar y drws ac

byddant yn ei gael ar ryw bryd. Mae'r dyn hwn wedi cyrraedd, mae'n gosod tafel, mae'n rhoi'r llawr i'w gael. Gwylwch yno, sir. Oh, na, mae'n anodd. Mae hyn yn anodd. Mae hyn yn anodd. Dwi ddim yn gallu, dwi ddim yn gallu cymryd unrhyw un. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. Dwi ddim yn gallu. food and to be left alone. You're not, because you haven't been. Every single act of service here comes with minimum 10 minutes of somebody else's company. Like that's the price you pay.

It's like, do you want this thing? Do you want this act of service? Yes. What does it cost me? Is it just a tip? No, no, no, no, no. You've got to be next to someone

you don't know for minimum 10 minutes. With them just staring at you? Just click, click your stare, look at it look at it scared to talk to you sometimes uh-huh no i'm not willing to engage in conversation because again that makes you drive the conversation and that takes energy when you're having a big travel day because you've been you've been in bad shape the last couple of days like you've been under the weather like your wife and

child have been a bit sick back home and you haven't been able to be there for them when they need you. So you've just been a little bit like... And the tour schedule's fucked. We have a very bad... Not in India, but just in terms of my overall tour schedule is an incredibly bad,

badly organised tour schedule at the moment. Yeah, it's going to be getting harder and harder for the next while until the summer. So you've just been like, look, as soon as i can check in my room i just want to be in my room i want to come and do the gig just until i like clear my head a little bit and just you haven't even let you sleep on the flight oh my fucking god i haven't even let you close your eyes on the flight i cannot get past like this is what i talk about

they don't understand social cues right i? I'll get on a plane, I will put my sleeping headrest pillow around my neck, I will put my sunglasses over my eyes, I will have my headphones in my fucking ear, I will lean against the window, I don't sleep. You sleep like you're asleep. Yeah, my mouth's like...

I remember there was a line in a Stephen King book where it was like, it looked like if someone had, like if his face was screwed on, it was like someone loosened the screws a couple of times. Yeah, that's me. That's you. I have never once on any single internal flight in India not been woken up by an Indian member of staff being like, sir, your food's here?

And I'm like, I don't want food. And they're like, but your food's here. And I'm like, I am sleeping. And they're like, but your food. And you're trying to like ride the sleep wave and go, right, no, no, no, no, no. Done. And then you're like, because if you're asleep and you get woken up by like a bit of turbulence or like someone getting that tray table out, you can get straight back to sleep.

That just stirs you. So they stir you out of sleep. And then you're like, in the stir of sleep, you're like, no, I've seen, what, we've done like eight, nine flights? Every single flight. Every single flight. Without fail. And today, right, I was like, right. I sat down on the flight every single flight without fail and today right I was like right

I sat down on the flight today and Marlena was there and I went I need you to do me a massive fucking favour I need you to physically fucking restrain the whatever member

when they come to give food physically restrain them do not let them get any just let me fucking sleep on this flight I just need to sleep do not let them you had a late one last night

yeah and a fairly early start right yeah and you're asleep as you always are and there last night and a fairly early start right and you're asleep as you always are and there's me and Marlena

I'm in the window I'm as far away far away right and we stay before take off look he's catching up on some sleep because he didn't get

much sleep last night don't wake him up for his meal he doesn't want it right told her okay understood it

and then says Marlena and made one meal and then molly and i was like don't wake up that gentleman by the window he just wants to sleep right and memo received twice she shouted your name across us as if we were being dicks and she was grassing on with for being dicks oh i can't because like daniel sloss i was like what the fuck are you doing that for reality tv you've got you you have to tell people to shut the fuck up and stop here but you have to and i hate the fact that that's the rule the only way you can get what you want is by being so immensely rude to people which isn't how it should be no you'd love it if it

wasn't for the fact that you might get spotted doing it oh yeah yeah yeah if you could have anonymity and do that you'd be like

oh cool yeah absolutely but I've got no right to be cruel to a people who adore me and only want the best for me

aye I think I've like I've maintained I've maintained politeness for like 99% of it apart from the ones that just like went past the oh the family outside the airport today oh they fucking what the fuck are they you know when you

come out what were they doing when you come out they look disdainful of everybody else you know when you come out of an airport right and you there's the there's the barrier in front of you which is people hold up signs either for the people getting taxis and getting picked up by a limo service or like family members. A bunch of flowers. And it goes two ways and it's to filter people out

and then you go around stood in the middle of one of those lanes, fully covering it, making sure that there was just no possible way for anyone to get past them. Just standing there, all three of them, just looking at their phones. And like nobody can get out of the airport.

It's the son that's, like, largely in the way with his trolley. And the mum and dad were looking at her, and we were like, excuse me, and she just, like, stared past. We were like, what? Huh? Like, literally everybody in the airport couldn't get past them. And we're like, could you just move out the way, please? No, no, no.

You were like, can you move, please? And I'm on day 10 in India and I went move move move move fucking move and do you know what they did they moved it works it works and it's fucking shocking horrible it felt like such a piece

of shit it's absolutely shocking it's the only way it's the only way we would have gotten another taxi the food's incredible the have gotten to the taxi. Oh. The food's incredible. The gigs are incredible. The security at the venues is some of the best we've ever had. Above all, the people at fucking Dead Hand.

Like even, and don't get me wrong, it's hard to sometimes witness the gulf in the poverty in this place. And there's so much poverty. It's very, very visible, but I think that's a very important thing for people to see. And there is such an inherent kindness here. There is like the thing that I think I love most about Indian people is just how fully in all of their emotions they are all the time. Like I really-

Very reactive. Very reactive, very expressive. So when they're happy, they're the happiest people. When they're angry, they're angry. And as an angry person, I can fucking relate to that. So even though I might not like

that the anger might be directed at my occasion, I'm like, well, we're the same people here. Like this is, man, I love the, how do you, like, they've got such- Emotive. Such emotive people. That body language. Yeah. We've spoken about spoken about before i love the head wobble i think it's such a sincere uh human way of like showing attention and and like you know i'm paying attention i'm listening

i'm present in the moment like there's this sort of even though it's all chaotic around all the time and like people are honking their horns and it's busy there is still like most of the time a peaceful serenity to everyone it works yeah like the like i mentioned earlier there's no road rage no there's an excuse for road rage every second and everyone is just like they've got to be somewhere too we've all got to be somewhere the audiences are some of the best in the world like I mean

like just in terms of understanding they understand English better than most Americans they understand comedy as well as they're dark as fuck oh yeah that's not what I meant I didn't mean that

Matthew clip that I didn't mean it clip that you know what I'm talking about no no no I'm talking about the skin you thought I was talking about the sense of humour

I wasn't double down or get out why did you not pick get out Calcutta is the biggest culture shock of all of the places that we've been especially how we were in Hyderabad yesterday, because I feel like that's got a bit more of, like, an Arab touch to it,

like the affluence, opulence. Muslim. Hi, shiny. That's what I call them. You say Muslim, I think. I call them shinies. I like the football stickers. Do you remember, Aroo says Hyderabad

is just Delhi with Muslims Yeah So it was it just had that little bit of Dubai about it on some of the bits it was like absolutely like

there was no middle ground as well this bit's Rolex shop this bit's Slum Yeah But coming through Calcutta in the taxi

was the most cliche shit like you know rickshaw bicycle type thing now like in the taxi was the most cliche shit like in a rickshaw bicycle type thing no like there was a guy walking with the

two handheld things with like I don't know what was on his bicycle but it was like the size of this fucking

four poster bed that I've got look at me the size of this bed literally on his bicycle on the fucking motorway

walking with it just like quads of steel oh middle i am middle middle lane middle lane god fucking iron man while i was going past him hey like saw a guy with like a bamboo thing over his shoulder with like a big pot of like like a metal container on one side one on the other like carrying stuff like that um fucking literally pack mules yeah like just people cutting about did you see them guys carrying the fucking shit tons of bamboo

it was like a whole team of them just navigating through the streets were like um did you see did you see the guy just handballing there's a guy in the back of a fucking moped who had and i'm not Like it must have weighed at least 60 or 70 kilos. A full circular saw like that you strap to a table to cut thing. Full metal, wire hanging, trailing in the back, just fucking pinging off the road behind him. And I'm like, oh man, the fucking woman who had her, just breastfeeding her baby on the back of a moped with like her daughter sat on her knee

and no helmets. Oh mate, like I was, because I pointed out that baby on the back of the bike. Yeah. And I was like, if that was in the UK, that would be the front page of all the national newspapers

that someone did that. Yeah, yeah. And that's just something that you'll just see on a daily basis and you just have to adjust to that. Like, what would it take? If it were to happen, a woman breastfeeding a helmetless baby. What's she breastfeeding?

I've seen one breastfeeding. Because that would probably get you into trouble, not the baby on the bike thing that would kill it. The breastfeeding the baby on the bike would get you into trouble. I think she just had baby in arms and it looked that way with the cover thing, like with the garb. I mean mean it was it was

it was over so I mean I guess maybe because you could just see the baby's feet yeah but just in terms of like whenever when Kara used to breastfeed

it was like the head was up there and there was a thing over there so that's and it was covered that's why I assume but I was like what would it take

for you to get Kara and Caelan on the back of a motorbike with no helmet and bomb down a busy street oh if what would need to be happening if Caelan On the back of a motorbike With no helmet And bomb down a busy street Oh if What would need to be happening If Caelan was having a heart attack

Uh huh Like if it was like a And it was full If there was no other way To get to the hospital Uh huh And they And they were not going to hospital

No That That was just a day to day Occurrence They drive like they believe In reincarnation, man. It's a powerful thing. We're going to have to go downstairs for a second.

Right. We'll be back in literally a millisecond for part two. Looking even better than before. Aye, happy holy. Aye, happy holy day to you, motherfucker. Aye. It's like Vegas again, but all different classes, so they of just white

and to the people listening which is most of you hi we've just been yorking their handfuls of color with each other yeah smearing on each other and then saying happy holy like with food gritty happy holy fucking ticket that's nice nice Aye They do some stuff right In India Like a lot of stuff right Yeah In their festivities Festivals

Aye Like nail that Celebration Celebration Is what they're very good at But like what I was saying About their like heightened emotions On all things

Indian weddings are the best Weddings in the world Born on Yeah Like second to Scotland Yeah No Scotland second to India Yeah yeah yeah

But like I think there's a gulf Still between the two Yeah yeah absolutely Yeah yeah yeah But like I think there's a gulf Still between the two Yeah yeah absolutely Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Aye Aye

So They do Hospitality pretty Damn good as well Like have you Like Tell them about The

I'll just show Show and I'll tell We've been given gifts Because it's obviously Our last day so After the show tonight in Calcutta we fly directly to home

oh yeah so he's got a little platter, remember we said in Goa how we had the little things made out of chocolate well Calcutta's gone slightly further and they've made a little chocolate replica of his book about me they've got a bunch of his of his book about me uh they've got a bunch of his posters mocked up and on poster stands um my chocolates had several pictures of me

several pictures of like our most successful reels on instagram from the podcast and uh fucking daniel tosh because i guess that to be fair look I'm not I don't want to be racist and say I'm okay I don't want to fucking eat any part of you and I I think it's fair enough for Indians to say me and Daniel Tosh look alike in terms of if you've not seen heaps and heaps of white people and you google white comedian called Daniel Tosh and or sloths and you get my name in there. I'm not offended. Nah.

Also, Daniel Tosh is a great comedian. I don't mind being in that fucking company. Yeah. Do you know him? Not as a person. No, unfortunately not. No, no. That would be a very funny way

to reach out to him because he's obviously would have heard of you because you've got such similar names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like surely that has been a like misheard or whatever.

I think that would be a very funny way to reach out and introduce yourself to him. Yeah, he did come first. He was the first of the... What the fucking... He's been going a while then. Yeah. What the Daniel comedians are then?

Daniel Simonson? Daniel... Danny McLaughlin. Danny McLaughlin. He doesn't go by Daniel, though. No. That's just like his real big trouble

yeah yeah eh no other Daniels just me I bet there's gotta be loads oh

there's em Daniel Muggleton what am I talking about of course there's fucking Danny Muggleton em oh Daniel Petrie

yeah there's fucking there's heaps of Daniels. As long as I win the top three Daniels as comedian, that's fine. There was another Kai comedian, I'm sure. There definitely was on social media a while back. Yeah. I think it might have been a laugh. Yeah?

Oh, no, maybe it was those two. There was a Kai Barron who was an Indian, actually. Probably English. Yeah, but... You know what I'm saying yeah yeah where's he from from uh huh

yep and I'm sure there was a Laskar Kai as well yeah I don't know I've never gigged with him nah so I'm definitely

in the top three I wonder how I feel really bad sitting on this furniture yeah we didn't we didn't really do our backsow did we

It was all very Leg for the camera Yeah yeah All very forward facing Part in the front Business Part of a Treacherous in the back

Just like Indian hotels Did I ever tell you About the time I was in Liverpool Out on a jog And I I saw it was about to happen

And it did happen But a regular jogger Got hit with the colours On the Colami Rad Run. Oh, yeah. Because everybody that was running up to the colour station was covered in colours. And I'm just like, I've spotted this is going on. I'm just taking an alternative route.

You know when you're coming in and out of the hotels and you always go through the scanner? Yeah. And then after a while, you're like, oh, they're seeing me as a regular at this hotel. I'm going to avoid the scanner. The hotels have scanners here like security um i'd clocked on what was happening and i saw all these like families and that running through getting hit with colors laughing and i just saw

this in the zone guy just jogging with like without a slightest bit of powder on him yeah and he just got whacked full throttle with the people that were there. Great. And he was so shocked. Like, he started, like, jogging slowly backwards. Like, what the fuck? As if, like, they'd just set it up to do it to him. Yeah.

Like, it wasn't his fault. Yeah. Like, technically, it wasn't his fault. Yeah, but... But, like, his awareness could have saved it from happening. 100%. He'd hijacked the Columbia Rad Run. So funny. He found it funny good

you saw the funny side because you could easily get like karens and male karens in that i would be laughing so much just just on natalie's reaction for us getting home if i just walked through the door like this i don't want to talk about it I'll just never mention it Never mention it Just go on Did you get into a fight With a fucking printer Did you

Yeah He said he needed cyan But he only needed to print A black and white document So I fucking punched it And here we are Yeah Which would be you

What Punch the printer Aye Because it wouldn't print A black and white document Because I've got no color ink left. Yeah You're projecting. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll project a little vomit in your projection all over me. I am I am very placid and calm You're only plaster than calm next to me much true I do get a bit cranky from time to time

Oh, hey, Natalie things are very funny. funny. You've been in way more fights. Uh-huh. I never really thought I was going to do that. You're like, oh, he hates a fight. I think that's sweet. Oh, he's in for a rude awakening. Or she. It's 2024, guys.

You can punch women now. That's feminism. All right, quality. What about everyone being flagged I guess about the England St. George's Cross Have you kept up with this? Oh a little bit Nike released an overpriced kit

Yeah And It's just gotten all the publicity In the world Because they've put It's not even like the rainbow flag It's like It's just like

I think like an assortment Of blues and purples or something Yeah What is the reason for it? Is it a pride thing? Or is it just It's got that kind of connotation, yeah. I don't know exactly.

I don't know if it is that... Do tramps have colours? Or do they just change colours all the time? I'm playing, I'm playing, I'm playing. It's a room. To piss, if you want. Well, I mean, here's why. If it is a pride thing,

then they are absolutely, completely and utterly fucking spineless that they would do that for the German Euros and not the Qatar World Cup. Ah, yeah. That's why. If it is a pride thing, that's why it's fucking disgusting.

Don't even put the armband on. We're like, oh, we want to make a big fucking thing now. We want to support, you said, you all said fuck all in Qatar, so you don't get to say shit now. Don't, it doesn't count as a stand if everyone's fucking doing it. There's nothing impressive about doing fucking Pride.

Well, that's probably not true. There's probably still homophobia in Germany, but you can get married. It's not the fucking same. But like, not for just like the fucking straight white dudes that are playing football. I mean, like, they're not all white playing football, but you know what I'm saying?

Like, they're the ones making the stand on behalf. Yeah. Like, the brave boys. And then they're just like, oh, but not in Qatar, though. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking, yeah. That's why it's an absolute, that's why I'm actually on the right wing people's here,

because I'm like, this is such an empty fucking gesture, considering Nike did absolutely fuck all of that. Well, there was... At the World Cup, where it actually would have made a difference, and it actually would have been a statement as opposed to now which is just free publicity and a fucking cash grab there's a lot of like you don't fuck with the saint george's cross people fight and die for that i've lost friends to fucking fighting for this flag like they know how like you fucking teach a soldier from an early age the importance

of that flag and i get i get it like they're not going to fight for their country unless they fucking believe in it right so you're really fucking with the core belief systems of people by changing something like that but the ukip changed theirs i've been watching like people just bring back like campaign like stuff with the purple union jack and the um the conservatives like use the union jack and made it into the shape of a tree instead of like the political parties that they adore have fucked with the flag

and they haven't said anything until it's like it's something to do with like that they could be bigoted towards and as soon as they can be bigoted towards it

now they've got a stance and you're like oh man have this stance across the board man kick off when kick off when you make it purple and then I'll listen to you and then I'll listen to you when you're attacking everybody because i'll believe

that it's coming from a place of like uh of core belief but if you're just fucking pissing more when it's the gays day net yeah then i don't really believe that your intentions are sincere i believe that they're actually a little bit bigoted. Also, this is a fucking freezing cold take, right? The gays in the Premier League need to fucking come out, right? Oh, I'm worried about the abuse. Ben White, are you listening? The gays in the Premier League who are like, oh, it's too skinny to come out.

Man, you know what? I acknowledge that, and I've no idea how hard it must be to come out. That's something I cannot relate to, but I can empathize with you know especially with what we've seen now with the reaction to this like it it's an immensely uh challenging thing and you'll get lots of uh abuse but you start playing with all your fucking black mates who get called fucking whatever every single match and they they cop the abuse constantly all your fucking muslim mates who cop all the fucking anti-islam shit every fucking game right

harry mcguire just gets shit for being him yeah like yeah but it's difficult just all there and there are so many gays in the premier league there must be have you seen how Raheem Stillen runs it's comments like that which makes it harder for gay footballers to come out because I bet there's loads of I bet there's loads of

out women's footballers oh yeah not many of them in yeah yeah imagine that's yeah

much better but like in the same way that like fans now which I think like football might be getting better I say this is someone that doesn't go to live games

but if you report someone for being a racist at a live Premier League game they will find out where that person's fucking ticket is and they'll and they'll ban

the fucking stadium like that is something that is ongoing that's all you've got to do with with the fucking you know the gay abuse

I think I'm just thinking like, you know, percentage-wise there must be, at top flight, there must be gay footballers. I think because the footballers would have been, I guess now it's got to start creeping in because in my generation of footballers it was like manly man sport.

It was hard for lasses to get into, never mind gay men. So it was just like the schoolyard was toxic when it come to football I think you're specifically thinking about like camp men that are like man there are gay men

who love cock and you would not know it until they were filled with it like there's and other ones I would track if I was gay well that's my like don't get me wrong

most of my my favourite type of gay is the camp ones. I like the bitchy queens. Vicious. Yeah. Absolutely vicious ones. All my, all my.

That have just decided to fight fire with fire and won. Yeah, yeah. But there are, man, Cal Penn, I would say, is an incredibly straight gay man. Just, sorry, not straight, you know what I mean. Cal's fella. Cal, Josh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah. Massive sports fan Josh is it Jock aye so like I understand what you're saying but there's definitely

I bet there are fucking gay men and bisexual men who have absolutely been playing fucking football for years and like bumming on the side

behind closed doors that didn't come out and don't get me wrong 70s 80s 90s really fucking difficult time to come out and don't be wrong 70s, 80s, 90s really fucking difficult time to come out

it's 2024 lads like I reckon shirt sales would go up yeah 100% I reckon it would like

it would be there would be a marketability to it maybe maybe that's why maybe the guy or like

if I'm the poster boy it looks like i'm cashing in on it yeah but okay here's what surely surely like they're surely in the surely in the premier league like it's a it's an open secret like all the gay footballers must know who all the other gay footballers are right i mean i know three of the gay footballers just watching swap shirts at the end of the game uh like if if you all came out, again, I don't want to, it's not our fucking place to tell any people how to confront and be with their sexuality.

But, you know, if there was fucking, if there was fucking 20 of them to come out and like two of them were all from the fucking same team, like, I didn't mean that. I same team like I didn't mean that I didn't mean I know what I said I meant they were gay you thought I meant that they were playing

for the same football team I feel like if you they're going to get fucking abuse of course they are but also find me any player that's not been called gay already like it's a shame Of course they are But also Find me any player That's not been called gay already Like Aye

It's a shame You're already You're already Copping shit off fans Regardless Here's To change the subject So

David Benioff And D.B. Weiss Who Give Game of Thrones Notoriety Yeah Who never should have ever Been given a second chance With a project again David Benioff and D.B. Weiss who give Game of Thrones notoriety yeah who never should have ever been given a second

chance with a project again as long as they just let somebody else do the last season they'd be alright they drop the

ball right at the end yeah like egg and spoon race like crushing it and then get the end and then just

fucking flipping the egg open and just spaffing the egg because they're all sick to death. D.B. Weiss and David Benioff are not good writers.

They are good adapters. Zack Snyder is one of the worst directors in the entire fucking world. He is only capable of doing films that are utterly, utterly shit. Unless he directly copies those movies from the comic books. Watchmen and 300 where he called me Tracy control yes yes that's who Zack Snyder is he can't draw he cannot create he can turn this into a different medium and that's a skill and

as you enjoy stop making other movies act Snyder you've met you've not done a single good one you've not done a single good one outside of those David Benioff and DB Weiss advice exact fucking same they were so good at adapting it they adapted the book perfectly yeah so they've started doing the three body problem which was one of the worst books i've ever read my entire life so bad that i had to just google the synopsis of the remaining two books now the premise was interesting but like i it was it was written by it's a chinese book translated into english i don't know whether the chinese which is worse at writing whether the translation was bad but it was mind even the interesting bits

were mind numbingly boring and just like oh yeah oh god the world's about to be destroyed by aliens and i'm about to fall asleep and not give a shit. They've turned it into a TV show. They've done vintage what they've done. It's no longer set in China. They've got Game of Thrones characters in it. Yeah, they've whitewashed it a lot. To be fair, it's still fucking mixed race across.

And I guess you have to westernise it, but you can't make it fully set in china some of it still fucking is you know fair enough it's pretty good it's pretty good so far and i'm going to say i reckon it will be good all the way through because no it's a trilogy all the books right there's no chance for them they can finish it without fucking having creative freedom yeah yeah at no point at no point is anyone on that show going and what do you think should happen and david bernie off of me like well i think the alien is actually the loch ness monster why is it on a planet several hundred million light years away it's ambiguous i don't know

maybe an interpretation that's what it is yeah i hadn't i didn't i just thought it'd be a cool ending i hadn't really thought how anything led up to that. Does it have to make sense all the way? Kind of, kind of man. It's actually really, really, really important. Mind you,

you can't give them, it's hard, it's hard to know who to fucking blame on that because it's definitely George R. Martin's fault. Someone who, um, like I think internet bullying is horrific. I think doxing is one of the worst things in the world.

Skating someone fucking swatted is horrific and should be You know a life sentence in fucking jail unless every single death threat that Georgia Martin gets is Absolutely fucking deserved. I've had this run from us over there But but with with that like I think it's hard to but it's hard to know who to blame whether it's just his fault whether it's both their fault

who knows but it's a long way of saying that I think taking someone down a road and then just like leaving them lost is a really rude thing to do yeah yeah yeah

it's super rude to say yeah but you just let Brandon Sanderson finish it have we not said this already yeah several times yeah

so getting on to that then I've just finished Brandon Sanderson's first. Have we not said this already? Yeah, several times. Yeah. So getting onto that then, I've just finished Brandon Sanderson's first Mistborn trilogy book, The Final Empire, and I may be a bit of recency bias. I think it's the best book I've ever read. And I'm delighted that there's a whole fucking world behind it and not just the trilogy.

Like over the moon. That I can just live in this world probably for the rest of my life oh and just knowing full well that Brandon Sanderson just isn't going to stop writing he's done it again he's finished

so he's finishing off the Stormlight Saga this year and in the meantime just got fucking bored had a spare week and wrote two other fucking books and is now releasing them again this year

and I don't I don't think I want films or series from them. I want a fucking computer game. I want a computer game where the magic system is so perfect. If you've read it, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't read it, just do it. Just trust us on it. Trust him on it. You or Gareth, who got there first?

It was your brother-in-law. Alexander got you onto it he was the one that had always told me oh no no no no you're right because he got me the books

yeah it was Gareth that got me onto Mistborn and it was your brother-in-law Alex that got me onto the Stormlight Archive which I'm rereading again

which is the Cosmere all of these trilogies and books all within the same universe but I want a computer game where it's got the same like

the people who created is it Sony created Spider-Man yeah is that the game designers or is that the money I'm not

that much of a nerd like kind of microdosing on being a nerd here they need to be the people that work on the the magic of moving around the universe the way they do with the pushing and pulling on metals yeah because they they nailed the flying through

the fucking like but you know how spider-man flies yeah they've nailed that just get those guys to do it yeah and the fight system they need to get they've got a war guys or or the arkham the original arkham guys yeah they just need to make a fucking absolute dream team of the guys that did the best bits of these fucking games that are so well balanced with the controls and just go and make this fucking game perfect and that could possibly

be the best game ever. The TV show could be good. Because of the creativity in it. Or the movies of the Mistborn could be good because Brandon Sanderson has been approached multiple times by networks being like, hey, we want to turn this into a TV show. And he's like, cool, here's the script. And they're like, no, no, no, we want to do it.

And he's like, cool, give me back the script. Bye. Like, I saw what you've done to everything. Got as much money as he needs. Yeah. It's all about the art. Lads, I saw what you did to Wheel of Time. You are not fucking touching my books.

You are not touching my books. And he's got skin in the game with Wheel of Time, you are not fucking touching my books. You are not touching my books. And he's got skin in the game with Wheel of Time as well. So like fucking that must have been really hurtful for him to realise that it's probably not even going to get up to his bit that he did. Oh God, let's not get me onto a Wheel of Time rant. I've just started book eight because I thought, sorry to spat on you,

I thought bringing a big 650 pagepage book on a 10-day tour, the speed I read, that would be enough book. I normally don't get a full book that big in 10 days. So I didn't bring the second one. I fucking flew through it. Aye, especially the last 20%. For those of you that don't know, in the last 20% of Brandon Sanderson books,

the way he writes is he does a lot of world building for like the first 80%, really good characters, gets you invested at all and then the last 20% is like just

everything fucking happens. It all comes together. Now, unfortunately, the name that all of his nerd fans have given it is the worst fucking name

for the phenomenon. They've called it the Sander lunch so the last 20 percent of any brand sanderson book is called the sander lunch it makes it sound like a shit yeah like i i told natalie about it last night with all of the precursor just like it needs a better name yeah it's a thing it needs named yeah it's in every single one of his book it happens the last 15 just goes fucking unbelievably hard it's unputdownable like it's in every single one of his books. It happens. The last 15% just goes fucking unbelievably hard. It's unputdownable.

Like, you were reading it in queues in airports, and I'm like, I know exactly what bit you're up to, because it's like, I have to know. Yeah, like, the world was cut out. I completely cut the whole world out for us to be in this book. So I even prefixed it in that way. I was just like, look, it doesn't scan. It doesn't roll off the tongue.

It's clunky, but it's called the Sanderlunch. And you could just hear, you could feel a shoulder drop over the phone. Yeah. Ugh. Yeah.

I don't know if I want to read it anymore. No, no, he didn't name it that. Was it like, that was just as nerdy, nerdy ass fans. I can't,

I can't think of a good alternative. Like, you know, leave, leave it with us. But hard veto the second that came out. It shouldn't have been. No one should ever type that out. They should have apologised for saying it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It shouldn't have caught on, that's for sure. Aye. Whoever came up with that should, oh no, I was about to say something nice. Whoever had that, you go up and you men in black them and you're like, right, you don't get to remember the books anymore. But then they just get to read it again so I don't know how

it can get better well now you and Gareth are pretty certain they can get better but I'm I'm not convinced I'm just like I'm just putting that out there I love that book that much that I'm just putting that out there. I love that book that much. That I'm just bracing myself for, like, a plateau, at least. Because, like, you first hit ecstasy. Yeah. You know? The second one you might go... I feel like I'm going to be chasing that dragon. There's no dragons in it.

What? There's no dragons in it. Oh, fuck, I've been reading the wrong book. Oh, wait, but there are dragons in the Cosmere. Is there? He's chasing the Emerald Sea. Spoiler. That's quite odd, because he doesn't seem to borrow

from other like law books Oh dragons not borrowed from fucking it no but it's it's like hack it was magic I put he's got a good he's got a good system going yeah yeah it's got his unique system all right he's got a fucking unique twist on dragons. Yeah. Okay. I'll trust him. Aye. He's not done. The only bad books he's done, and people will disagree with me on this, is the second four Mistborn books.

Like the one set 500 years after the fucking Wax and Wayne ones. I personally think are absolutely unreadable shite. Yeah. You know people that like them. Your brother likes them. your brother likes them. My brother likes them, Gareth enjoyed them. And again, same with the three body problem.

I'm so vastly outnumbered by people who thoroughly enjoyed it and who have a much more extensive knowledge of really good sci-fi that sometimes you just gotta go, ah, maybe I'm stupid. Maybe this thing is just a bit above my fucking station. I've got an audio book

that got highly recommended to us by someone i trust and i'm not i'm not digging it no no it's it's a because the guy i was talking to florian um by one of our romanian promoters who was in the turkey gig working on that um he knew that i loved uh children of and that I loved Andy Weir books. And he was like, oh, you've got to read Space Team. So I thought it was going to be like a very serious first contact book. And it's like somebody's read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and went, that looks easy. I'm going to just do something like that.

And they've tried to do their own version of it. And it does feel like two-stripe Douglas Adams. I don't know how much of it's in the Mistborn books, but Brandon Sanderson's sense of humour, to me, is excruciating. He openly says that he doesn't like or understand stand-up comedy. And he's a massive fucking Mormon.

There's not too much comedy in Mistborn but one of his most two of his most unbearable fucking characters in the Stormlight Saga

are the ones where he tries to be funny and it is and he says he's like people people just don't get

Terry Pratchett and I'm like nobody that's not the problem he's just yeah the jokes that the main character has got right like in space team it's called space team if there's people there that absolutely love space team and i've just said that and i got it soz um they keep feeding him like fucking lane after lane of like fucking confident quip. And none of them would land in real life. But he's like rolling through life like he's crushing it.

I mean, none of them are landing in the book, to be fair. Like, but he rolls through life like he's crushing it. And I'm just like, oh, this is fucking cringe. I'm going to stick with it, but. No, I would have built out by now would you? yeah I've sung in cross fantasy

it's almost like it's for kids how childish it's written yeah but it's not for kids because like there's a cock in it in chapter two

sometimes when I read really really good like high fantasy fucking books and I enjoy it so much because I love those sort of books I sort of think to myself

oh man maybe I'd be able to do, oh man, maybe I'd be able to do this one day and then I'd read something like that. Or in my case, Terry Pratchett, I'd be like, ah, or I could just end up writing a show like this. But mate, they sell well in the fucking have good stars on. Terry Pratchett is one where I'm, I'm outnumbered by people who haven't had sex in 37 years. Um, and if that's your, if that's your type of humour... You know, when I listen...

I can't imagine there's much crossover between Terry Pratchett fans and me, so I don't think I'm going to be losing too many fans here. I don't know, you know. Yeah? Mm. Far and wide. Yeah?

It's quite a reach, aye. People love Terry Pratchett. But he fucking stinks. Have you read any? I read these... I think maybe his third one, but when I read the Witch Terry, as if I was going to dive in and read them all

because I trusted people's judgment. Yeah. It was the Weird Sisters, which is a kind of spin on Macbeth. Yeah. I think we maybe talked about this recently because I was saying I hadn't read Macbeth, so I discovered the story of Macbeth

through Weird Sisters. But it wasn't a page turner like a couple of nice little paragraphs that were like poetic but nothing that made us go oh I'm going to pick that up and find out what happens next

whereas fucking I could not put down Mistborn yeah yeah that's a bit of me that like when I'm reading shit like sci-fi especially like Andy Weir Adrian Tuchkovsky

like I'm I'm like going fuck me man like no matter how much research i've done i couldn't put something like this together in a million years like this is like fucking looking at a massive painting gun right i may take up drawn and eventually i'll get to that you're not getting to that yeah ever space team does make us think anybody can do it yeah i the book the good, Orcs, I enjoyed when I was much younger and I tried to read it again. I could write Orcs.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, comfortably. Should we do, like, write a book, like a fiction book, like we did with the knitting? See if we can write a book by Christmas. No, no.

I'm taking the rest of the fucking year off and I'm doing zero work. Not. It doesn't have to be good. No. No. Never. Nah. Nah. Stay in my fucking lane. I'm doing zero work Not It doesn't have to be good No No Never Nah

Nah Stay in my fucking lane Right We've got to go watch this off And do a show Oh shit yeah Aye One last show

And then fly through the night And get back to our families Aye That's going to be nice Thank you everyone And thank you India See a lot of you in Altitude Festival Aye

I believe See you there Thank you India Thanks for having me These have been wonderful hosts Too wonderful from time to time Aye Aye

Too good