Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Upside Down Epidural

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

Daniel makes an appearance after making some of you granddads for the second time. He talks us through the recent weeks welcoming his daughter into the world, which include bullying disabled kids in soft play and discovering some of women's best kept secrets. Meanwhile Kai has had one foot in an alternative universe, tripping balls in an all time top ten fringe night out. #38   www.thistlycrosscider.co.uk Discount Code: THISTLYSLOSSAUGUST

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? And we're back in the studio.

Yeah. The people who are dads or granddads again. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've had a child since your last visit on your own podcast. Yeah. And what a fucking breeze that second one is. Do you think it's the fact that you've already got XP in the realm of having a child and it wasn't the fear of the unknown that come with the first one?

Well, yes, certainly. So with the second kid, the bubble doesn't exist. When you have your first kid, if you do it well and you've got a family that are understanding, you've normally got a week, maybe up to two, sort of at home by yourselves with the occasional visitor where like it's just you two and the baby and your life's changed because you're no longer a couple you've become a family and you don't know what you know being a parent is so you're like paying attention to every little thing about the baby it's changing all the time and then uh and then you got the second one and that bubble doesn't exist because you've got two and a half year old there that needs attention oh and also who is way fucking better like man look i love my daughter she's boring as fuck she sleeps 22 hours

a day and when she is awake i get to hold her for like an hour or two to change her nappy to barb her to be like can you see shit yet nope and then it's tiny milk yeah because i remember you going through that phase of like acceptance with Caelan when he first arrived and you were like he doesn't do anything yeah

and I was out in altitude and you were doing like solo podcasts yeah so I was listening to all of that like and I was like trying to understand what you

were going through with having a kid so you've got that now but you've also got the really entertaining two and a half year old oh and he's he's so

fucking funny you're like you're not in a hurry I'm not in a hurry to age you little girl you can stay a little girl for as long as you want because i've got everything that i need from this 100 like it's interactive infant yeah like i certainly feel like i'm not wishing her to be older quicker because you're able to like appreciate the little things more also man being able to put a fucking baby down and it just being there when you come back

is just because they're in the fact that since that day when we were in there the Gold Coast and Cailin just decided that he was gonna get up and wander around yeah that was just the life changed on a time from that moment well there's a point where like you know man I can leave her on a couch because she can't fucking roll over I know the way it's been like you shouldn't i know i shouldn't but i can right she can't roll over there's nothing like you put it like in the crease of the cushions so there's just like a little bit of yeah yeah just in the wedge that way not with her head towards anything there because she can still be stupid and turn that way but uh change oh so one of the big differences, I remember when both my children

are like successfully breastfed just because like Cara's got massive tits and her milk came in and she gave it a go and she really enjoyed the process.

A lot of mothers find it quite painful or it's just, man, if you don't breastfeed your kids, cool. My wife does,

loves it. With Galen, his shits smelled creamy and sweet because it's just the milk goes through, they get the nutrients and then basically fucking milk comes out. It's just a dal. Yeah, yes. Aye, and there's even like little seedy bits in it.

And I remember being freaked out by Galen's poop and being like, this isn't off poop. It looks like it would be nice with a bit of spinach. It smells like creme brulee. Like we are designed as human beings to be repulsed by the smell of shit, so we don't eat it. There should be no point when your kid takes a shit and you're like, I mean, that's not...

So I'm fully expecting this to be the same thing for Ayla. Two things I learned. One, women are liars and they do shit. Right? They do. I don't know why each of they stopped doing it. I mean, you're the first person that i know that's had proof yeah yeah well they clearly stopped at some point but

this pitch shits gara still doing a bedtime with kaylin we've got a great routine with that i'm able to like kind of feed zayla i barb her put her down clean the downstairs from the chaos of her son i do that she's still upstairs i'm like fuck i'm gonna do a workout i can set my baby and a wee rocker right she's just she's asleep or she'll just sit and stare at fuck all and i'll just do some you break down sleep in australian oh we'll get onto that and i'll do my fucking workout so i'm sat there and she's making noises and i'm making noises i'm like and she's like we're both killing out a third man this seven and a half pound fucking baby did a shit that instantly stank out the entire room

to the point where i was like i was i held i was like you've ruined my my gym sesh coke shites oh i've no idea i've no idea how it's done it should have been killingh coke shites oh i have no idea i have no idea how it started it should have been killing having coke shites because did i have a big night on the gear before she knew she was pregnant oh yeah way back when yeah that was like oh no you got the pregnancy results you're like oh god let's just pretend that the last couple of weeks didn't happen well we found out she was pregnant when she was seven weeks pregnant and then we because it was like towards the end of lockdown we did math in our head And we were like, oh man we had some pretty bigs out at four or five

Weeks And that's why we had so many scans early doors with Caelan Because we were like, he's not in there And if he is He's got a fucking successful business The shite was, did it look as bad as it smelled? No, fucking tight, man it's so Like the, it's the shite was did it look as bad as it smelled no it fucking man it's so like the

it's the volume and like the effort that they put into shit and then with like what actually comes out is when do they start

dropping coffee beans is it always just messy do they do they ever have dottles no they only they only get solid when they start getting solids

right okay and that's when the actual fucking nugs come out here's something is that the same for us if we live on hule uh as somebody who lives on hule it doesn't change your shit but your thoughts are horrific um here's something i've learned and i want to say this uh as a as a with a precursor of i am a feminist and i don't mean this as an attack fucking but baby vaginas are gross Imagine that

Right And like the wiping And all that It's not like grouting It's not like grouting tiles Yeah It's like Oh no

I've just wedged A fucking fanny shirt With shit It's easy To wipe shit off your dick And any gay guy out there Will back me up Right

You just fucking You mush it All around It'll all come off Everything's external You can't Smush shit There's nowhere I can go

No No I mean like it's I mean you've Seriously got something wrong If it's when doing your job So I like Oh yeah and also kids

Baby boys Foreskins are so fucking tired Of that And if I've got A job site It's getting fired out soon Yeah I can't

Get spat straight back out I can't imagine The way it came from The parents that have Circumcised their kids Because a doctor in America told them to and they believe voodoo science, right? If your kids have got a little fucking belly that you can see,

you must happen to be wiping, like, occasionally, wiping shit from under, like, the rim of that deck. Fair enough. That's your religious choice, I guess. With a fanny, you've got to wipe down and out and, like, away, and you've got to make make all there and here's another thing our daughter hasn't had it but they sort of threw this in as a like oh and by the way apparently up to 50 percent of time baby girls get periods no ah because because they've been

in their mom's body huh and because of the hormones in the mom's body and because obviously there's a female body grown inside of them just the little girl body just gets a little bit confused and because baby girls are born with all you're born with all your eggs right and that's when like freezing eggs is they'll go right you've got some of these left but not for long we're gonna put these in cryogenic so because the hormones going around their body while they're in there when they come out and all the hormones release during fucking job or stuff for like three months afterwards but she's not had one but i'm fucking i'm like why did you tell me that when i was going out the door and also why am i just learning about this now so like if your baby's kicking off crying you can go time of the month

like you used to are you still sinking already um hi because uh i found out as an adult that like you get little baby erections on boys. And they get them while they're in the womb. Because I don't remember boners as a boy. It wasn't until I started reaching an older age that I remember boners. But did that happen? Did I just not remember them? Because I didn't place it.

I didn't know what it was. So it was just a normal thing. And it hadn't been sexualised yet So I just didn't even acknowledge that That was a thing Our son has a boat When we go through our days Some days we're better with potty training than others

It's an ongoing process But when you're at home You can just leave him without his pants on When he's got pants and trousers on He's sort of like, oh, nappy And he'll have an accident Fucking five out of ten times Whereas if he's got pants and trousers on He's sort of like Oh nappy And he'll have an accident Fucking Five out of ten times

Whereas if he's Completely Naked If he's Winnie the Pooh He never misses the potty Right But because of that You're just leaving him

With his cock out all day And is anyone Who has a penis nose I mean You play with them It's gonna catch a draft They just He's just

He's walking around With a boner And man He flips it Like the little fucking The door stops And then you've got to have these conversations As parents

You're like what do we call So obviously it's his willy We don't mind him calling it his willy Because that's what it is But we're like we can't call it a boner You can't call it an erection And even though it's arousal Even if it's not sexual arousal

It's arousal You can't call it arousction. And even though it's arousal, even if it's not sexual arousal, it's arousal. You can't call it arousal because that has sexual connotations. Wait, but it's not even... Yeah, yeah. I think even arousal is just... Yeah, like a dog wagging their tail, that's arousal. Yeah, yeah. Like it's not...

It's just been used so much to describe... Sexual arousal. Uh-huh, aye, aye. Yeah, I... And I remember talking to Cara And just showing my fucking male ignorance So Cara just Which is fair enough

She was like I'm not changing any of the nappies While our cord is still there I find it disgusting, it's gross I'm just not doing it My baby gives me the ick And I'm like fair enough, you're doing all the feeds You're waking up in the middle of the night to fucking feed her If my job is to change the nappies

My job is to fucking change the nappies My job is to fucking change the nappies So I'm just Every day Wiping this tiny little baby vagina And most of the time It's poop Right

I've seen her pee It comes out at a weird angle Didn't Thought it would be A spray But it comes out In like a Thing enough

We arc I'm just like She keeps getting like Fucking wee Fucking snotty Vaginal discharges And I was like Yeah And I'm like When does that stop And she went What are you talking about like, she keeps getting like, fucking wee, fucking snotty vaginal discharges. Cara's like, yeah.

And I'm like, when does that stop? And she went, what are you talking about? Can I check the laundry basket? Aye, aye. Well,

I guess, because look, Cara does the, Cara does the laundry, and I do the bins, and the cleaning, and the stuff like that. You never see the snail trails

Maybe that's why No So it's like There's a whole new world of like You've got a You've got a female one And all this new stuff That you've got to learn

Yeah lots of Lots of learning to do Lots of Female anatomy I've had There's not a good story I know I know this is a

Fuck off in my body This is bad Parenting So I'm saying this With the Desire good story. I know this is a fuck up in my butt. This is bad parenting. So I'm saying this with the desire that this is not clipped up and put on the internet. This is just for the listeners just now. Bad parenting.

Not against my son. What did you do? We take Caelan out to soft play. We bring baby along. Because obviously Caelan needs to be entertained. We're much more confident going out. We're out to soft play. We bring baby along. Because obviously Caelan needs to be entertained. We're much more confident going out. We're at the soft play.

Now I am, I'm pretty much, I'm a helicopter parent, which I know like parents who've had like three or four kids hate helicopter parents because it's like, just let them be free. I get that. But also my son is a very gentle kid, right? He's a real sweetheart. Like he, at the moment, he's just going through this phase where he says, thank you so much to everything.

And he also understands the difference between, like, I'm sorry I did that, but also I'm sorry that you're sad. So if, like, Cara's ever feeling ill, he'll be like, oh, I'm sorry. And he, like, means it. And we just don't want him to lose any of this. He doesn't think that he was at fault for being sorry, but he's like, he's sorry. He doesn't push.

He doesn't kick. He doesn't hit. He doesn't have any of that aggressiveness in him and you know i don't want him to learn that from other kids and i don't want if he does learn how to do that i want to be there to make sure that i'm there to stop it that the emotion that he feels is valid but the action that he takes might not be so you want to be there just to steer that action so my initial fuck up when i knew i had this bigger fuck up in me and I probably should have been better at it was before our daughter

was born I took them to a play thing and like there was these five and six year olds and their parents were nowhere to be seen they were just saying I'll have coffee somewhere

and I'm like fair enough old enough that they're running around doing their own thing but still keep an eye out you can sit further away but still be there's kids like three

names the size running around yeah knock them over and there's all these little fruits lying around that all the kids play with and these kids have just hoarded all of them all of them taking them all away my son's found two bits of fruit that he just wants to himself which is fair

enough but these other two kids are just there waiting for caitlin to drop these two bits of fruit so that they can take it and add it to their hoard so i'm there just like on point being like if he drops them and i'm not even aware that this is happening, but you're creating a shield You know not shield just they're there like vultures and I'm just there as a fucking faster thing to be like if he drops them I see them go from like nap nap these two are my sons. You've got an entire horde there I understand you're like trying to catch them all have a completionist thing. It's not happening on my watch Eventually he clears up this thing puts them down this slide I have to run to the one of the slide to get these two things.

One of the six-year-old girls runs up and tries to get them. I'm like, no, no, you got all those ones. And that's a really good collection. You can go play shop or whatever. My son wants these two. She's like, we want those ones. I'm like, well, he's playing with them now. I'll trade you.

Two of yours for these two. I'm like, he's going to get bored of them eventually, right? And once he does you're more than welcome to him right they just stay there he puts them down the slide again

and they go for them and I'm just grabbing them like grabbing things faster and at one point one of the girls go I want them all and I just went I don't give a fuck

right and I just watched the sexual run off into the distance being like I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck

and I'm like well I don't take any personal responsibility there because if you don't want your kid to learn swear words don't let them be a cunt at a distance right that's if you were there to stop your kid doing that at no point would i have had to be to get to that stage so i go back and i tell cara that story and she's like well that wasn't a great moment i'm like probably not not my finest not my finest did it though also my argument is also like you know wasn't a great moment I'm like probably not not my finest not my finest did it though also my argument

is also like you know don't teach your kids you don't keep storyboards for your kids you teach them not to do it and how to use them

and how to use them and about something I clearly never learnt so the other day I was at the fucking soft play and I'm like okay I'm going to

try and be less of a helicopter parent Ciarán starts going off in the jungle gym by himself walking around and I'm like great awesome and i'm watching him like through the nets just making sure and this seven or eight year old kid caitlin's trying to climb up this thing grabs him by the scruff of his shirt right just sort of holds him there just not letting him

climb up any further and caitlin sort of laughs for a bit right but again he's no idea because he's been interacted with and he's known the world to be a nice pleasant place but this kid is just holding on and just not not looking i'm not doing anything just no and then starts dragging him down the thing like on his arse and right so i have to run through this fucking maze of nets to get there right and i finally get there right i pick up kaylin right i get the kid's hand off him i'm gentle about it i'm not rough i'm just like get your hands off of him right and I'm looking around

immediately being like whose fucking kid is this right because I'll always give you the chance to be a fucking parent how old can you be at the soft play

I feel like six and seven is that not a bit old for the soft play is that not park level no no to be fair no I don't know the answer

there's a big one and also there's there's one for toddlers as well there's one for babies like my well. There's one for babies. Like my son's in the bigger one. Yeah, he's just moving up the class. If he gets bumped over, I'm not like, who did this?

He's in the bigger one. He needs to learn to like get out the fucking way. Right. And I'm like, don't do that. He doesn't like that. Caelan's crying on my arm. And the kid's like, I can do what I want. I'm like, well, you can do what you want,

but not in terms of like other people. And again, the whole time I'm having this conversation i'm like looking around for the dad and the mom to be like come in and be with and you're also trying not to just tell him to fuck off like you did last time because you're trying to grow as a parent right and uh and and the kids i can do what i want doesn't matter i can do what i want and i just fucking snap and i look around and i make sure nobody's looking and I get right up in his face and I go you're an ugly little boy

you're an ugly ugly little boy on the inside and out and I grab my sunglasses and I walk oh man

do you real kill it unlocked yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so

core memory yeah oh yeah yeah yeah like I'm now looking back being like he's just getting into the back

of his dad's car and then just being like I'm an ugly little boy i'm an ugly little boy and his dad like i don't know where that came from man said i was ugly so i'm sitting there and i'm like inside and out to a child you're ugly on the inside you're still trying to learn the world and so i'm sitting there right and like my fucking I sort of calmed down a bit

Caelan still fucking cried and I'm then explaining to Caelan I'm like hey man like what that boy did was wrong you have to you're talking about yourself

are you you have to say please you have to say don't touch me get your hands off me you're allowed to say these things

we don't hit we don't fucking push stop it but you're allowed to you're allowed to say no all that stuff and I'm stop it but you're allowed to you're allowed to say no all that stuff and I'm sitting there I'm like oh god okay

and again by the way the fucking parent of this kid is nowhere to be seen so I'm then at the stage where I'm like right I'm gonna go apologise to this kid turns out it's his bulla

I'm gonna go apologise to this kid right and just be like hey I'm sorry I fucking snapped I'm an adult I should be better

in this fucking scenario than you I watch this gran with her three year old who's better in this fucking scenario than you I watch this gran with her three year old who's just on a fucking tyre swing and I watch this seven year old kid

grab the girl by the scruff of the neck again and just yank her off the tyre swing oh no right and the gran

going through the same thing I'm doing just being like whoa but she's better than me she's done this she's raised kids she's like

she didn't try and set him a core memory she explains it to him and he's again sort of fucking has this thing where he just like starts yelling at her runs away pushes another kid over at this fucking thing i'm just like this kid is a fucking terror right and then i'm like no saying the parents no so well eventually the fucking dad is it at the point now where you're like we've got beef with the parents oh there's a collective beef with a person that's meant to be looking after yeah oh yeah there's at the point now where you're like, we've got beef with the parents? Or there's a collective beef with the person that's meant to be looking after us? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At this point, I've made eye contact with three other parents, and we're like, whose fucking kid is this, right? Eventually, this dad gets off his fucking phone, comes in, and is like, we don't hear the conversations, talking to his fucking kid, right? And all these parents are ignoring,

me included, we're ignoring our kids, just being like you better fucking admonish this kid and then just in that moment like you can just sort of see like how drained the father is and how fucking tired he is and he starts taking the kid out and the kid starts fucking lashing out and i'm just that they've been like i think i've just screamed at Autistic Kit. Oh, snap. Yeah. Daniel. Yeah.

I mean, how old you've known? I mean, the answer is just don't do that. Yeah, just don't do that. Yeah, I also, like, I didn't, like, prop my heckle put down a slam, but there was a guy in my audience the other day that looked like he was asleep, and then when I looked back again, he was doubled't, like, prop my heckle, put down a slam, but there was a guy in my audience the other day that looked like he was asleep. And then when I looked back again, he was doubled over, right? Like, bent double at the hips in there

and asked him if he was all right. I didn't slam him or anything. And I just went, oh, it looked like you were sleeping in the hot rooms now that you might be out. And he was like, oh, I was just getting my drink out of my bag. He wasn't. But I was like, oh, he might be drunk. And then after the show, he'd come up and, like,

just went, can I get your photo? And he had, like like an actual camera and he didn't want to be in it yeah yeah and i'm like oh i'm so glad i didn't take the piss out of him for being asleep in the show because that was just somebody that was like you know just getting through life that's why i think we got to fucking label them man yeah pigeonhole them we just give them a wee armband with like a fucking star on it or something to just let us all know that they're autistic yeah

yeah because they I mean obviously like now nowadays like back fucking 30 years ago

especially our grandparents generation the word autism fucking didn't exist like and people just

oh nobody could get like the level of care that they needed because it wasn't it wasn't acknowledged

it was just seen as bad behaviour Disobedience, all that stuff Yeah, I need to be way better As somebody who knows Plenty of autistic fucking people Assume autism Yeah, I think that's going to be my goal from the game forward Have I ever seen a kid being shitty

Which is, it'll go autistic From Fife And that'll be And then mean which is it'll go autistic from Fife. And that'll be like... And then mean. No, no, that's what... Yeah, autistic chav mean. Yeah. I'll be like, once they give an interaction back...

Because there's been other times when there's been shitty kids that have given me stank back. And I'm like, all right, you're just a wanker of a kid. And in that, I've removed myself from the situation. I mean, it's pretty local. just a you're just a wanker of a kid and in that i've removed myself from the situation but i mean if the uh it's pretty it's pretty low called an autistic kid ugly on the inside that is low but you didn't mean it oh no i'm i meant it but i dragged my son down by the fucking and it was psychotic like it was like man it was you know, to not react to somebody.

It's not like Killian wasn't crying. He was shrieking and screaming and, like, visibly upset about it while this killer just fucking continued to drag him by his fucking thing through it. Here's something. You didn't leave George from his mason men with toddlers. Like, even if you end up in for a coffee, you can't out for a smoke. Like, if you're correct in your assumption then that he should have had like yeah like helicopter surveillance

yeah yeah yeah that's what that was that's what carol was like she was like you know man it must be exhausting for the fucking parents like we don't know what it's like to raise an autistic kid it must be the worst not the worst sorry but just in terms of like how present and on the fucking ball you have to be all the time like I don't begrudge any parent fucking

taking a wee time out to just lose themselves in social media while they think their kid's being fine but eh I feel for it's always fucking shitty when it's two blokes going

I feel for dads and you're like your show is literally about that you know when the dad's been at work all day and then they come home

and obviously the mother who's been looking after the kids going are they yours now like take these like it's not like the dad's then going right here's my tools

swap jobs it is it is like if you've been like grafting all day and then you come home so like you probably would be fucking

exhausted as a dad but he also wasn't he wasn't like autistic you come home So like you probably would be Fucking exhausted as a dad But he also wasn't He wasn't like autistic Autistic He wasn't like You know I was having a conversation I was having a conversation with him

The fact that it wasn't Immediately obvious Yeah And the fact that he was like I'm allowed to do what I want You know Again When you look back

You're like Oh god that is an autistic stance To take back And you could just be Shy Maybe you're just seven Maybe that's just Yeah that's just that age

Right And then you start like Being authoritative With younger kids Yeah I mean Because most of the time My patience is quite like I don't mind

Like I can You know You used to do that with him What? You used to Knock him around didn't you Pick him up I did it with my sister

Like I would Like be the bullish Older kid That was like Well he enjoyed it Yeah Not bad Yeah Um Mmm I would be the bullish older kid that was like. Well, he enjoyed it. Yeah. Not bad.

And then he took our kids through the fringe. Caelan got sung to by the Shanty guys. Yeah. Are they called Shanty? Shanty Ram. Shanty Ram? No. Shantify.

Shantify. So they were doing some kind of, it was one of them things where you're at the festival going oh yeah of course there's just men singing in the corner on camera but they were like doing some kind of bbc yeah they're like the whole shantify thing is they just like turn musical numbers and big pop songs into like sea shanties and then kaylan was fascinated by it and then the camera crew come back and going oh we're gonna need to pick a bit of that up but like and he was ready for them to sing again because they compiled themselves ready to sing but it was just like a 415 at the whatever venue it is and he was totally good i just stepped in and he thought he was going

to get another song and he have another song and they just uh they've done a shanty version of country roads yeah and then um now caitlin's like a super fan of shanty fire and ended up going to get another song and he had another song and they just they done a shanty version of Country Roads and then now Caroline's like a super fan of shanty-fi and ended up going to the show yeah man and we thought

me and Cara were placing bets outside we're like how long is this kid going to last in a fucking 50 minute show Cara was on 20

mine was on 30 but we managed to like set a table at the back so like I mean don't get me wrong half an hour in it was like snacks and we're like

sure we can give you some fucking snacks and also because like it's not spoken word so I half an hour in it was like snacks and we're like sure we can give you some fucking snacks and also because like it's not spoken word so I'm like you can eat some crisps while they're singing

but we open like the crisp packet make sure that he's not rustling or anything like that and after every single song he was like more more more

and me and Cara were over the moon we're like fucking yes we have a fringe kid maybe we can just get him into this so we've seen him

that's good actually because once you've done something that he likes whether it's a rocket ship or a swing or something you'll go more more or less before he's hit the ground so the fact that they were doing something that made him go more and then did the more that's that's the type of show that's going to be for him the like small pockets of excitement throughout the show oh and just the chance to like you know me and canna love the edmund festival so much like obviously in recent years not been able to do it in the way oh that's not true last last year you were a punter at the french yeah it was about that one and uh and so was she she had she had

certainly not as many nights out as i did but you know she was able to go see a bunch of shows obviously brand new fucking 12 day old babyold baby, different scenario. Caelan was about six months, wasn't he, at the first Fringe that he did, the 2020, 2022? Yeah, he was six months then last year, year and a half. So he's only going to get better. Elos will be a bit shit next year in terms of it. It should just be one. But what's good with the artist bar with Abattoir,

there'll be an age where like grandparents can be around and you've got a hub and like you could go see something and then Cara couldn't you could end up doing like a full day

just being in the artist bar instead of your living room. Oh man, so Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday we're going to be

at Fringe every day. Thursday we're seeing two shows. Friday Cara's parents come down and they've never been to the Fringe before. Like they've seen

shows at it. Like they've gone to see I haven't. No they have. They've seen shows at the Fringe but they've gone in to see a show and then they've gone fucking home. They've never been to the fringe before like they've seen shows at it like they've gone to see haven't no they have they've seen shows at the fringe but they've gone in to see a show and then they've gone fucking home they've never like they've been back to abedin uh yeah or back to the house yeah okay they've never like been in oh they've never hung out and had a night out at the fringe oh mate i had a fucking an iconic night out at the fringe on friday friday night because uh i like always look at the fringe and go

them days are behind us I'll never have the mad big ones anymore because I'm living in Glasgow now so it's like a to and from and it was I had some friends that will not use their names because he's got a job and we ended up

going to see Ryan Cullen so I did my show did Cullen's show and then while show, did Cullen's show. And then while we were at Cullen, the Askins sisters were looking after Peggy backstage at the Nucleus and we'll come back to get Peggy. It was her bedtime. So we took out of the student accommodation. So basically I was doing to and from Glasgow and then found out there was the student accommodation available for a week and just went, fuck it,

I'll have it bought the accommodation for the week and lived at the fringe which by the way hadn't done that since like 2011 because obviously from 2013 i was living at yours uh at your old house which is a bit out of town so we'd always get the taxi back and have the after parties but i've never been like waking up in the city center so peggy's not allowed in the student accommodation so we have to sneak her in so we've got like this papoose and then put natalie's scarf over and sneak her in so we just said to stop just wait here backstage we're only gonna be like 20 minutes but like it's gonna be a long night let's take these mushrooms now and they'll kick in by the time peggy's in bed and we're at abattoir so we take our mushrooms and i'm putting peggy there

to her bed and then kicked in in the accommodation and was just like oh natalie we've got to get back like empty stomach like just metabolized it immediately i'm like less than 15 minutes and i was starting to just be like fucking wide-eyed at the world and i'm walking back in the fucking streets of edinburgh just turned into this kind of like anime like fucking all the reflections look drawn you know like all the lights and the way it hit the thing everything just like like as if someone had traced the world and then just like superimposed that on everything i saw and i'm walking back just like and i was like doesn't know those two yeah Yeah. He's never met Kate and Amy.

I've put him in a room with two people that he doesn't know and then fucking popped mushrooms in his mouth. Said his name. Damn it. Keep an eye on that because I'm going to do that a lot. And I come back into the room and sure enough, he's just gnawed up in the corner. I just go, is this a fucking

wind up he was probably mad at this he was like I've never met these in my life and I'm trying to compose myself

and it turned out he's in good hands they're all our people you know but the fact was he was just trying to just keep normal conversation

and he was trying to hang on talking about Cullen's show talking about what he's been up to his movements and all that

all the universe is just like nothing's real the world just fractures into this like fucking what's that over there this has changed that's moving like fucking everything's happening and it just spun him out for the next while like because then we walked to abattoir and that walk was meant to be sober we were far from sober walking back. Like, the world was insane and he was just like, Kai, what the fuck? Where are we going?

And he just think, because it spun out at the start, he just couldn't level himself and he was, he must have said my name. I'm going to say about 30 times.

Like, you know, a toddler in the car. Dad, are we there yet? Where are we going? What are we doing? Dad,

dad, dad. And you know, sometimes he would say my name and I'd look and he didn't want anything and I'm also tripping and then it took it took us i'll try not to use his name it took his gun mate it's like being with someone that shit on drugs like you say i've got me mate who shit on drugs with us and i've got a babysitter

and you can see just the little bit of him that was clung on to the real world went i don't want to be that guy and then we had another friend who had just took it for the first time but he arrived like we were already up and i was like you've got to set an example for him and the last thing he wants is to look up and see you somebody he knows to be good on drugs to just be the new one wigging out uh ryan um who I don't think will mind that I've said it, but meh. So I was just like, just try and fucking rein it in a little bit so it's not spinning him when he's about to launch off in like 15 minutes himself.

And then I get in the abattoir, and what a strange place to be when you're in a different realm but i liked it it worked for me like because they've got so many just like lots of aesthetics going on like they've got like true like wallpapers trees and everything just becomes like disconnected from its backdrop so that seems to be like 3d the chalk on the chalkboard and stuff like it looked like that was like moving silver flowing letters but it was away from it's like the amount of times i touched the chalkboard because it felt like the chalk was disconnected from the chalkboard and like sitting in front of

it so i was so you looked like you were on drugs oh like oh also what a great place to be high in that nobody thinks it's a crime you know like it just got around the bar that there was a table full of those six were there was a table full of those six of us. There was a table of six of us that were like kind of had a couple of people helicoptering us that weren't like

Brett and Kate and that weren't high. So they were just Just somebody behind you being like, you're an ugly man, you're an ugly man. You're an ugly man.

To be fair, I don't think I said inside and out. I think that might have been an addition to it but none of it makes me look good. No, no. Oh, there was this bit though where you know when sometimes you just don't think i said inside and out i think that might have been an addition of the end but none of it makes me look good no no oh there was this bit though where you know when sometimes you

just don't you don't want to be making decisions right there's this alcove bit that seemed like a good idea and we'd booked it out because we knew what we're going to be doing right and there's like couches there the table's wedged in and then there's just like room for a couple of seats here but then it was just a bit busy with how many there was and you're like should i bring a chair over from somewhere else and bring it in or should i just stand here or should i just try and squeeze on the couch i ended up stood there probably about five minutes but time dilation just like i don't know where to go i don't know what to do and eventually just like me and my mate just went and sat somewhere and just rode out rode out the acceleration of the come up and then we're eventually like all gathered

around in this thing but like everybody knew what we're doing but it just didn't feel like anyone was looking down on you it didn't feel like anyone was just like oh these guys like it just felt like we're just this little attraction in the middle of the bar that people were enjoying and then i bumped into cullen and i'd seen his show and i was lucid enough in my own mind that i could have a conversation with him about it and all that and like he didn't enjoy that particular night but i was like man there's so many punch lines in there like what a good show and i'm chatting away at him and just trying to just have the conversation you would have with someone who's sure you've seen but man his eyes started tracing where it was like eyes eyes above his eyebrows that's no that's

that's his actual form. That's so his true form. He just had eyes going all the way up. There was bits where I was like tired. I was wanting to look around the back of his head to see if the eyes kept on going. He's like, if I've got someone on my forehead, you're like, I'm making eye contact. My eyes are over here, I can see.

Fucking plural. So it was just a bizarre night It was so good And there was this Ryan ended up like I was just about to try and make a joke there But I've suddenly realised I don't know

I don't know the non-offensive term for Jap's eye Oh should I? I even just used it as if that was the scientific word What's the actual medical for it before it was the actual medical term for the opening of the urethra is that what it is yeah should i not have said that earlier i don't think you did say it did i know no no no i was gonna make the joke that his eyes were going up there and then this i was going up there i think i might have said it a bootleg plunging shite doing it earlier i think you could probably still call it an eye i don't think the

slow was the worst thing about what i said you just call it an eye i don't think the slur was the worst thing about what I said you could just call it an eye I guess yeah yeah I guess you could just call it an eye or the German smile is what the Japs call it tight smile is that what they call it yeah German smile

it is ask them I'm not I'm not biting this pig the German smile just small and smiley occasionally spits on you so there was a bit where uh ryan was just having this

like mushrooms is only good if you're living in the moment and if you've got like no worries and all that and you can focus on that if there's anything like snapping you out of it going like i'm needed for something that's gonna be a bad trip and he just couldn't he didn't know what was real because it was his first experience on it right and he's like i just don't even know what's real or not like i just i don't know if like conversations are really happening like i'm struggling to process because it's not just visual like that's how they make it look on movies because that's all they've got to work with but it's a real body high as well so it makes all of your senses be a little bit skew with because it's receiving things from

the world and then just interpreting them differently to how you normally would um so he was just a little bit like that but we had him in a good spot where he was sat between me and amy and uh he was thinking about like there's no way i can get a taxi and get back to my accommodation like this but i'd started to level out a bit to the point that i was like i can get in a taxi with you and um if if like i need to get you into your bed i can get you into your bed you can just snap out of that so like eventually he was out of that but what snapped his mind was there was a little emblem on this like there's this ornate coffee table i like carved and nice and then there's this emblem that's like kind of

embedded into it and it was a picture of a man playing a lute to a woman in a dress like a kind of victorian kind of bit of artwork and we're both getting the same thing the guy was playing the guitar he was playing the loot and she was just kind of moving and enjoying it and you could see the pair of them just having a moment it was like um because as well like you're not like there's not like a blurry lens on the world like there is when you're super drunk or super high it was still as if i'm looking at it with my eyes now um i guess the best i can explain it's like on harry potter when like the newspaper comes to life hi and that's happening and me and him were just looking at this emblem for ages because that was what was bringing him back into this moment and he was getting to live and from everyone else

you're both facing impending doom of just oh everybody else, we're giggling at a coffee table, man. Like, to them, we're just, look at these fucking idiots, and we're just like, oh, look at that! And a bit of 40 ages. Best time. Iconic night.

Like, one of my favourite fringe nights in the last, like, whatever it's been, 14 years. And I was, I mean, I cannot tell you how, like, I miss the fringe in the sense of me and Karen obviously going out to be able to see shows and drink until a sensible point in the evening but there's no part of me at the moment

that misses performing I've been enjoying my show now I've been really enjoying doing my show I couldn't have pushed the fringe back far enough if I had it my own way i would have just be there going snooze i would have snoozed that alarm until it was the fucking next year right if i had my way but that's how i write unfortunately and i'll not fucking get a show

together unless i've got that fucking bullet to be heed um so i was going to the head much less effective way to threaten someone fucking I will hit this with a hammer but because I really fucking zoned out of everything else in my life and focused just on

my show because of the panic like I wouldn't read a book I wouldn't play a computer game like there was a certain point like a week or so before the fringe which should have been

a month or so before the fringe where I didn't even let entertainment in like obviously the football's finished which should have been a month or so before the Fringe, where I didn't even let entertainment in. Obviously, the football's finished, which is a lot easier when that's the case. And I listened back to my first couple of previews, and they were just so wordy, because I was trying to buy time to remember what was next.

So I was taking double setups to each punchline, and I'm listening back, and there's a much quicker route to A to B on all of these jokes here. And I just eventually tightened them in, added new bits with the extra room that i'd made tightened them in and now i've got a show that i'm like oh this is a fucking great show like my dad thought it was my best one i'm not sure yet because i always compare it to the last version oh your parents were up i sorry my dad and my sister came up uh my mom my mom didn't make it she's like she's you know she's physically struggles a little bit with the stress

of the fringe like she can go on day to day life you know but like all the walking around and moving places and all that

and not having a comfy seat all the time like she's got like arthritis and all that like she just didn't feel like she was in a position to come up but my dad come up

and he reckons it's my best work but I'm still looking at I'm still looking at the best shows of previous years and going oh like i've like i've played like some of the material from them shows to your crowds at like fucking palladiums and shit whereas this one i've only done previews in this fringe venue um i could kind of see how good it was when i was doing dan nightingale and friends and i played like a clubby audience i could see that the material was like fucking bangers um but now i'm starting to get to the

point where i'm just super comfortable with it and i don't mind being distracted and i can get on so i'm having a fucking class fringe now but uh it was a bit touch and go at the start where i didn't think i had a product and i'm trying to get online and sell it i'm like telling everyone come buy tickets because normally, still, I'll have it ready for the previews and I'll just go and let you just get a half price ticket here. This was the first time where I was like, it's only worth a fiver.

Yeah, I think for my next show, which won't be for a fucking while, I mean, I'm going to take a really, really long run up. Because I'll not be doing the fringe in the fringe capacity ever again I'm not doing a full month Of every fucking day That doesn't exist for me

I was talking to Tom Stades' son Mason Aye And he was going It switches You start off The fringe where

That's The end game Aye That's you trying to put out Your best work for people to see And then it gets to a point In your career where This is me getting it ready

To take it on tour Aye And it switches goal Aye I just think there's a way To I just think I'd rather do the Get it in the fucking clubs

Cause Get working in clubs Cause then it's like As you said with the Dan Nightingale thing It's a neutral audience Like that's the most important people to I can make my fans laugh Yeah

That's fucking easy But the goal is to not make my make my just go on unannounced yeah the goal is to make people have never seen me before laugh because that's how you start as a stand-up comedian yeah and that's how you get new fans i and then also making sure that you make their uh friends laugh yeah um i've decided i haven't like this isn't a concrete decision but I'm pretty sure like 90% sure this is what I'm going to do now that I'm on a good form of writing

and trying stuff on stage I'm going to keep it going into next year and I'm going to do the fringe next year just so I can miss a step and do it on odd number years

so the even number years when there's a football tournament on I can just gan out and live at the football tournament and watch the football without this like monkey on me back gan you've got a shorter right because uh i've been like every other year for the last while and it's fucking

even numbers so i mean luckily the world cup yeah didn't matter because it was in the fucking but the year is coming up if i do that two-year cycle which i think's the healthy way of doing it's two years i think every year i it got where we needed to be like it's mad that we've done fucking 10 years or nine years or whatever it was of like every single year but now i think because you've unlocked more parts of the world and you can tour for longer and not just in the uk then two years is fine but i but i'm gonna instead of making it three years before my next one i'm gonna do one next year and then do two years after that well we're having no more fucking kids after this so so that means the the tour bus is going to be class and like you know when you finally decide

to date again when alas kaylin's age now also i got no material for the next show because fucking her birth wasn't traumatic you know she didn't try to they were super super on point also just to be a man talking about the female body and a woman's right to choose in terms of

fucking pregnancy so I know where I'm coming from I think fucking what's it called the needle in your back the epidural I think those should be compulsory

oh yeah man I don't know why they're acting hard if that's an option yeah like like are the

are the women who aren't getting epidurals are they the people pretending tattoos don't hurt they've got to be I think it really feels like the male equivalent because Cara had lots of it

like so Cara didn't want an epidural she wasn't against it with Cailin but she was like if I feel I need it have it there but we've also

from the stories we've heard from other friends I think the NHS does not want to give women epidurals on their first one because I think and this is just

purely conspiracy theories because we had a friend of ours who went in and was like we want an epidural and like even with that she didn't get one in time and uh we're like maybe that's because like it's you need to know how to push you need to

know how to push and if maybe if you're numb from there down originally you just don't know what a real push feels like because i remember with kaylin's birth kind of pushing screaming it was only about fucking 20 minutes of pushing but it was one with the push because she feels every yeah it was there but it was there this second time we go that's the logic this time we go in and she's like they're like do you want an epidural she's like i have it on standby but if i can go in without it on what and i'm being the bloke in the corner being like if you were blokes approach pregnancy in this way if i was pregnant i'd want it to be an elected c-section with all the drugs in the world. Just take it out to me

and introduce me to the fucking baby two days later. Whereas, obviously, women go from everything like, I want completely natural, or they go, I want a home birth, or I want it to be a water birth, or any number of things.

And maybe that comes from, like, just growing the thing inside of you, having more time to think about it, and, like, more time, like, bonding with the baby. Is that the birth plan? Yeah, more time bonding with the baby. Well, does it make taste instead everyone has a plan until they're punched in the cunt yeah yeah yeah yeah uh i just we go in she's she's like four centimeters

uh dilated and they give her a hormone drip which is like to just increase the contractions which four centimeters four centimetres, like what? The size of a penis? Yeah, I mean, width. So it meant width? I know, that's what we said. So she gets the hormone drip. It makes the contractions way worse than it was last time,

but they start coming in. Cara's getting used to them, but they're building up, gets to the point where they're really, really brutal. She's like, I think I can do this without the epidural she's got three hours on the fucking hormone drip

and they check her again she goes alright it's got to be like nine ten centimetres dilated and they go five centimetres one centimetre three hours

and she's like get me the fucking epidural yeah why not man it goes in why not gets it in the gets it in the spine obviously

doesn't hurt she's not like me when I got my fucking fillings done where i was like i need you to i need to give me painkillers for the painkillers like i need oh yeah you need you need to numb that area before you put the injection in yeah yeah 100 there was none of that kind of just like takes it in the spine and they're like does that hurt she's like i'm having contractions no nothing else hurts right doesn't kick in immediately slowly sort of over time

gets better at this point it's 12 at night one we've been there since 10 in the morning I'm in one of those chairs that sort of reclines out I've been playing fucking

Red Dead Redemption on the Switch all day long sorry on the Steam Deck and eventually like canna's just in a place where it gets to the point where uh they're going okay that's a contraction and she's going what is and like you're having one now because they've got her on a monitor she's

like i can't feel it oh i guess and i'm just sitting laughing like really because i remember the contractions from three hours ago when it was like super painful. Yeah, you couldn't concentrate on catching your rabbit in your little side quest. I'm just like, all right, I'll put both headphones in. If you're going to be like that. It gets to the point where she falls asleep and I'm just, I'm reading my book at this point and I just go, fuck, I'm just going to close my eyes

just for a bit. If she's napping, I'm napping. That's what they say. When they're sleeping, you should be sleeping. And then a midwife comes in and pokes Cara and goes, baby's coming. She goes, what? Like half asleep.

No, no, not half asleep. Half asleep. They're like, the baby's coming. She's like, go tell Daniel. They sort of hit me and they go, the baby's coming. I'm like, okay. So we go up. I'm like, okay, Cara, we can see the crown they're pushing. And like Cara's pushes are'm like okay so we go up i'm like okay god we can see

yeah we can see the crown they're pushing and like god his bushes are like the final one on caitlin they were like it has to be silent so all the energy's going in for the bush this time god is like i'm gonna make the noises because i feel like they want me to make the noises so she's like your tennis player yeah and i'm like is this so and she's like no i'm like okay and i'm with no i'm nowhere near that end i've got no interest in seeing the fucking business end and they're like okay that's the head out we went what she's like the head's right there if you want to come down you can tap her on the head if you want and i'm like i'll wait i'll wait three minutes like it's not they're like say the car Do you want to come down And touch it

She's like I'm okay I'm with him I'll just fucking wait How impatient we are And then I swear to fucking god They go Okay Cara

Big final push And Cara goes Okay Was that enough And then they hand her a baby And we went What It's too good to be true

Aye Unbelievable Fucking yeah Like where's me show i don't even get a show of it no sake we're gonna have to have a third zero zero trauma zero fucking stress because obviously the placenta didn't come out with the last one and that's how cara lost heaps of blood this time uh no but like cara lost 150 mils as opposed to like a liter and a half so literally 10% of all she'd lost last time.

Baby came out waxy this time. Just fucking, because there's a wax in there that obviously looms it up to get it to come out. Very little fucking blood. So like,

because Caelan wasn't in there for a bit longer he didn't have that waxy sheen and he just got the... And also because she was just fucking, placenta didn't come out she was just leaking

blood heaps so he came out bloody and had to fucking wipe it. Look, to any pregnant women out there um for the love of god don't take any of my advice on what your journey is listen to me all right much more knowledgeable if you are on if you are on your if you are on your second kid right and you've done the experience you're a warrior you've nothing else to prove you've already got that in the bank no one can take that away from you you're brave

don't be wrong like I guess it's like women must be exhausted by the fucking narrative that like men are bigger and stronger and have all this like in terms of like

them being the ones you've seen us getting kicked in the bollocks and that does hurt it does hurt but you kind of put that in the same ballpark as a child better

so like maybe there is especially for Karen she was like I don't need it and she was like I don't need it and I'm like it's not about need man

it's about what make this easier for yourself I do think it's a prank thing which is fucking fair enough I'm prideful about way more less personal stupid fucking things

if you're on your second and your third kid and you've never had a fucking epidural from an outsider perspective even like Cara came in and was like

I would do it for them put it in the right way up though if you dig it up say do it you end up you'll be able to feel everything from the waist down and then everything

from the waist up's limp you've got to have the needle the right way up but then we can't hear you screaming so've got to have the needle the right way up. But then we can't hear you screaming, so that's fine. Sits there. Solves the problem. Drooling and that. You want to scream, but you just can't. Like a baby

centaur. Because like, obviously foals come out fully able to run, but like humans don't. So they're just flopping around with a big baby head on a centaur. Just like a floppy Oh no just a floppy Fully floppy upper body

That's the theory But it can walk You just need to walk around with its head in a bit of a splint That's how you hold a baby centaur You just walk around with it That's tough actually Especially if you're a centaur Because how are you going to do that with hooves

That's why I haven't seen many of them The parish in Childbirth especially if you're a centaur, because how are you going to do that with hooves? It's quite difficult. That's why I haven't seen many of them, the parish and childbirth. While we're on the topic of being offensive about women, let's get on to the Australian breakdancer. I read an alternative narrative to what actually happened. Go on. And I read it on a Facebook post, not a news story, but a post.

My sources are flawed, that it was anarchistic in that it would be actually really, really hard to get zero points in breakdancing. And because breakdancing is meant to just be a subjective expression of art, and then people are sat there on a panel judging it objectively,

that you went in and done the perfect zero and it was it was planned still a still took that opportunity away from what i assume i've got no doubt in my mind there are fucking children of color in australia who are infinitely better at fucking break dancing this 36 year old white chick took off i watched it and like obviously enjoyed all the memes and i was trying my best to sort of like not you know not attack anyone for giving it their fucking best going and doing something fucking differently I did watch it in the same way that I think most women watch

straight white male stand-ups which is just watching it be like how fucking dare you be this confident with this ability I finally understood what it must be like when somebody when some boyfriend brings their girlfriend to my

show and they're just like alright he's fine like he's not the fucking worst I've ever seen but that ego has come from fucking nowhere it was so have you seen it with the Peter Griffin voiceover I've seen all the movies it's so good

I've got massive respect for it's so good and look I've got massive respect for the fucking the Aussies that are throwing themselves behind her like understanding that she's just had

a fucking torrid time online and they'll be like you know what she gave it a fucking Aussie go and that's what this country's about

haven't we had stuff like that in the past with like I mean Jamaican bobsled team famously that was a true story wasn't it yeah

Cool Rollins and then you had that swimmer who everyone was just fucking really rooting for like the swimmer had finished ages ago I mean, Jamaican bobsled team, famously, that was a true story, wasn't it? Yeah. Cool Rollins. And then you had that swimmer who everyone was just fucking really rooting for, like the swimmer had finished ages ago and he's still going. Yeah. And like,

there's like, there's kind of historically somebody that's just like way back in the pack, but look, this is the best we've got to offer. There's no way she was, there's no way she was

the best Australian at breakdancing. 100%. Are you fucking kidding me? Well, because this is what I think, and this is- That's how I think Clayne to look at that as a valid

argument is that she was just being anarchistic and going against the system to try and get the perfect zero because that would be hard to do. The way you go against the system is the Olympics is unfair in just the sense that most of the time you qualify because you

the reason you're the best is because you've had the most money behind you from childhood, right? In terms of like you, that's why you get to go to like, whether it's diving school, whether it's the equestrian shed, you just from a young age, like the more money you have, the better training you're going to get. The kid who was the best in my sports day in school, like all the way through school,

he didn't stand a chance of getting anywhere on a level because there was no infrastructure for him to be placed yeah so it's like in that aspect like she's there because like you know um she's she's the she's the dancer that the olympic committee in australia see and it sort of feels like especially with like skateboarding and break dancing all these new exciting sports that i'm really glad are in the olympics i'm like expand your fucking search. Like, there's no way there aren't fucking kids in Australia on the fucking streets.

And I don't mean like living in poverty. Like laying down tarpaulin. But literally out there fucking doing it. But the only reason they weren't selected is because... Because they took someone that went to dance class. They took someone that went to fucking dance class and wrote a fucking thesis on it. Is that right?

It's so funny. It's like, I was watching it and there has to be a joke. Well, I hope she... It's like Sacha Baron Cohen got up and got himself into the Olympics and did it. Like, I was half expecting that it's going to just drop some film where, like, that was the punchline. Yeah, I mean, I do hope that she's, I do hope that she's able to see the funny side of it eventually.

I can't imagine the horror. But the theft of opportunity is absolutely fucking rife in subjective art forms. Because you fucking sometimes you'll like wince at who you see on TV and now I do. Yeah, that's why they hate man. And I said this is someone That was given those opportunities On TV That almost definitely

Took it away From working class comedians And again man I've benefited from it I was able to do the fringe From an early Early age Because my parents

Paid for my fringe I was able to pay them back But they weren't able To put down The five grand The money up front For the poster campaigns And the

For your Accommodation And all the stuff That would normally Get you for the poster campaigns and the accommodation and all the stuff that would normally get you at the fringe that's yeah that's not available for fucking

making your room from blind so I'm in I'm in the same position as her like I've hugely benefited from the system sort of being rigged in my favour

there to sort of succeed compared to working class people right but I've never been that fucking shout that's not true I've never been that fucking shy.

That's not true, isn't it? I was about to say, I've never been that shy at the public stage. I fucking bombed at GFL. I'll just keep my mouth shut. The Olympics done now. Is that it? Is that it finished?

I reckon the fringe might have been hit a little bit by the Olympics this year because it was probably cheaper to go there if you're in London or something and you've got the choice of going to the fringe or going to the Olympics this year because it was probably cheaper to go there if you're in London or something and you've got the choice of going to the fringe or going to the Olympics. I think it's probably always a cheaper option to go to the Olympics this year. The periphery cost to the fringe has been

fucking mad. The next one's in LA and I'm like and it's 2028 and obviously it obviously depends how the fucking American election goes but I would definitely be interested in going to You obviously depends how the fucking American election goes but I would definitely be interested in going to

you've been proper steady in the American election haven't you massively so what's your tips for the bookies well I mean

I won I won money I knew it was going to be Tim Waltz so you picked the VP picked the VP

won money on that after the Joe Biden Donald Trump horrific fucking debate I put 50 quid on Kamala Harris to be the next President of the United States 33 to 1 odds Biden, Donald Trump, horrific fucking debate. I put 50 quid on Kamala Harris to be the next president of the United States at 33 to 1 odds,

which is now obviously looking real good. What's at odds now? Oh, evens. Evens. Evens, aye. I mean, look, you can never, ever underestimate how racist, sexist and ignorant like the average American can be. And also how powerful the disinformation campaigns are, how

powerful the misinformation campaigns. You've got Elon Musk online practicing with the Venezuelan election trying to pitch that it was stolen even though it fucking wasn't but he's on there, already spreading this. They're already getting the fucking rigged election before the election's even started. Elon Musk bought Twitter. This is my conspiracy theory.

Elon Musk bought Twitter in order to interfere with the American election so that he could show the same amount of fucking disinformation. Because they've not become any better at it. They've just become better at hiding it. Surely you've got a bunch of people who, like you say are racist and are sexist and they'd never vote for kamala harris in their entire lifetime but they might just forego that vote now like there may be a lot of folk that are just going i'm not voting for her so i'm not voting well yeah so basically you may get like for the first time a fractured right

yeah yeah that's why one thing they've always had going for them is they've like been organized and turned out yeah but as i feel like the left are getting a bit more organized and turning out now that we've got the younger ones coming through in any previous years high high voter turnout normally means a high amount of republicans which means uh they win because of the excitement surrounding kamala harris at the moment and by the way the huge advantage that she's got at the moment is the fact that it's a 100 day race i reckon like if she had been selected two fucking years ago if joe biden surrounding Kamala Harris at the moment. And by the way, the huge advantage that she's got at the moment is the fact that it's a 100-day race. I reckon, like, if she had been selected two fucking years ago, if Joe Biden had originally stepped down like he said he was going to do,

then it would have been a different campaign because they would have had more time to attack her. They've only prepared for the doddery old man. And they've got doddery old man offensive against a relatively young woman. And, like, the thing is donald trump isn't good at campaigning in the because he's just so angry at the moment and when he's angry he says more and more insane shit and the more and more insane shit he says the more voter he loses the reason i think right and the reason why no americans are saying they think it's going to be a kamala landslide

is because you as democrats they cannot risk being too fucking confident because then people will be like well if you're so sure she's going to win we'll just not turn out because that was in part why trump won the first time and also just because hillary was such a fucking horrific candidate get out of your own way i uh but like i feel like since donald trump's never won the popular vote in any of the fucking elections uh since the 2020 uh well 2019 election uh he's become a convicted felon he has so does he go to jail if he doesn't get in oh yeah that's what and that's why he's losing his mind not 100 the system's still fucking wrecked but you've got a prosecutor you've got prosecutor and kamala harris who's going to come in and hopefully uh redo the system

joe biden now gets to do what presidents do when they know they've got no fucking time left when they're like hey I'm going to do a bunch of unpopular shit that you're going to fucking hate because I can suck my fucking dick I'm not getting real active I don't give a fuck well he's suggesting and trying to get I mean it won't go through but he's trying to get Supreme

Court things over not overturned but like change the system because they've got unlimited terms. Trump stacked the Supreme Court with three fucking loyalists, so the ones that changed the rules that basically said that presidents can't be prosecuted for things they do while in office if it's part of the job. But there's plenty of good lawyers out there, including Kamala Harris, sort of looking at it being like, OK, we can still use this against fucking Trump. Trump is not campaigning well.

He's getting very, very angry because all he wants to do is say the N-word. That's all he wants to do. That's what he's saying privately. He just wants to say it, but he cannot do it. And he's getting so fucking wound up that she's got all of this excitement. What are the odds on him saying it?

I mean, I would love to message Party Power and be like, what are the odds? What's the book he's on that I'm putting on record saying the N word I'll put a quid on it I would put way more than a quid I would You don't want to make more than two quid do you

I'd My gut says My gut says it's a fucking 50-50 race and it'll go down to the swing states and it'll be an electoral college win but my heart genuinely says fucking Kamala

landslide, anything can happen in the next fucking 95, 98 days I think it is but at the moment all of the news cycles are on Kamala Harris and Tim Watts. The Democratic Convention is in a week, which means it's a positive news cycle for them for another two weeks.

When the news is not on Donald Trump, he loses his fucking mind. And the only way he knows how to get the attention back is to say insane fucking shit. What's he currently saying to try and get the attention of people? Is that what that big fucking Tesla truck with his face printed on it now that was? Oh, no, no. Is that him just being like, fucking look how he has his...

No, that was... His son, Barron Trump, is really into this fucking... One of the dumbest Twitch streamers of all time. Team Muggins. And had his dad, Donald, go on the Twitch stream to try and get the youth vote in it.

And then during that time the stupid fucking cunt gifted him this American decorated cyber truck which you can't do by the way because you cannot gift candidates gifts over I think it's five and a half thousand dollars yeah yeah

but they're all fucking insane so that's not his move that wasn't his go insane move but they're all fucking insane. So that's not his move. That wasn't his go insane move was to be dragging him around in there. No, sorry. So it was one of the moment is because of like there was, he's got it in his head

that like he cannot stand that Kamala Harris is getting huge fucking crowd sizes because that was always his thing, right? And because he's so far into the right wing, he was on Truth Social because he's so far into the right wing he was on truth social because he's so into all these fucking conspiracy theories like he's like imagine an almost dumber joe rogan he somebody managed to sort of post this thing an ai generated photo of a kamala harris crowd which is getting off a plane right and that was an ai generated image but the crowd that she

actually got was similar sorry somebody just posted this thing to be like it's all a fucking illusion this is all fucking ai and then a thousand people who were in the kamala uh uh getting off the plane thing have videos of them being like we were here none of this is there he's on truth social being like she's lying it's ai this is the chance to he's trying to claim fake news on it all so he's still singing the same shit that he's always been singing. He's calling stolen election 98 days out. Oh, God. So there's just fucking, look, anything can happen in those fucking 98 days. You know, Kamala's not done any real fucking interviews.

I feel like this is your new, like, love island. And there's also, like, before it was self-flagellation, before I was like, man. You're watching the entertainment now. Well, yeah, before, like after the assassination attempt, I'm like, well, that's, you know, that's that. I mean, look, fucking respect to Donald Trump in this aspect. That fuck, to get shot.

I had a moment of acceptance where I was like, oh, he's in now. To get shot in the fucking ear, right? And to have the Secret Service pin you down to the ground and for you to go, nah, I'm going to stand up in front of the American flag. I'm going to pump my fist in the air and I'm going to yell, fight, fight, fight.

Fuck me dead. That is a level of like, that's what he's good at. That's what he's able to, that's what he was always good at, selling like the fucking image of himself. The second I saw that, I'm like, mother,

that's one of the coolest. Especially tapping into the fucking WWE fucking nature of the American public. Oh, man, it was so fucking baller. And then fucking Biden went, hey, I'm fucking out. And he's, it's so mad. I mean, this election cycle is so fucking insane. Like, it's mad to think that there was

an incredibly close assassination attempt three weeks ago, and none of us are talking about it anymore yeah it's moved on not even Trump's talking about it he's not even

what did he do play the victim for five fucking days well it was so funny because that happened and I went back to Blythe the day after the assassination attempt

and barely anyone mentioned the assassination attempt because someone from Bedlington slept with his lasses mother and the lass got in and videoed the fucking carnage of the mother the mother had been knocked out she knocked her own mother and she's asleep on the bed she stabbed that fella and he's fucking bleeding

out and the thing and uh and all of the fucking chat and blive was about this lad who had fucked his lass's mother in knee but he was talking about the assassination attempt it was like i'd been there for about five hours and i'm like what about the assassination last night and they're like oh which uh there was this well you know that lad who did it there was this other photo that like was getting watched the video that was getting whatsapp to run and didn't end up online and one of the lads had it in the pub that night and uh he gets into the fucking taxi back of his mea tusa i guess and he gets and he does this little fucking he's like all patched up from bleeding and he just does a little dance like oh well I had a mad one

that's his version of fight fight fight he stole the news cycle in the whole of the North East so aye that's a wrap nice catch up alright good that was sweet and then I am still going to be also Also, but very importantly, sorry to...

Look, I know all the listeners of this podcast most likely fucking lean left in America. You do have to vote, right? You still have to vote. If you want the two has to come back to America, it really has got to be. Aye. Like, look, maybe Trump will be signed in a second time.

I mean, nothing that he said or anyone knew. He did do a Trump term tour, didn't he? 2019 was a second time. I mean, nothing that he said or anyone knew. He did do a Trump term tour, didn't he? 2019 was a Trump term. Yeah, but he hadn't stripped it all down. He didn't have the Senate. I don't think they had the House. And it wasn't loyalists around him. That was when he was firing people

who wouldn't do what he did. That was a learning phase for Trump. Now he understands that he has to fill it fully with loyalists so he can get whatever through. So it would be different in that. We might have to wait for that storm to pass before we could have a day again.

No, no, no. I mean, look, man, America, even if Trump does get in, most America is centre or to the left of it. But it's just for those people to turn out to fucking vote. The people will still be there. The country might be a bit fucked. But i think a straight white man will be fine um i'm still at the fringe though so if you're in the uk you can see me at the fringe i'm also doing the uk tour which is like most major cities but like missing out some of the little ones um so you might have

to travel a little bit to get to brighton or bir or whatever and then I'm doing a European tour like Dublin and Vienna's being released look keep an eye on my website because as they get released I'll put them on I'll have that updated by the time you watch this but the European dates are starting to drop now so don't know what's going to happen with

America next year we're gallivanting but UK and Europe's already in place so you get to see it. And if you want to be like me and far too, just to bombard yourself and waterboard yourself with American election stuff, the way I keep up data on it all is I listen to Pod Save America.

I listen to The Bulwark, which is like a guy who used to be a Republican who ever since Trump came in, he's like, I am a Republican. I believe in the old Republican values. But for the time being, we have to be Donald Trump because he's a threat to democracy.'s like, I am a Republican. I believe in the old Republican values. But for the time being, we have to be Donald Trump because he's a threat to democracy.

Tim Miller, he's fucking awesome. The Ezra Klein podcast is really good. And yeah. Great. See you soon.