Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Upside Down Pineapple

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

Daniel suffers rejection on his honeymoon, but only from his friends. It's ok though he made some new ones and they roped him into dancing. Imminently upon landing home Cream rejoins Muggins in Vienna to tell all of his filthy trip to the Maldives. In his absence Kai has been further establishing his own caricature. #8

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Knock, knock.

Who's there? Yoda lady. Oh, how fucking old do you think I am? Yoda lady. No. I've heard that joke when I was seven years old. Oh, it was an introduction to being in Austria. Oh, well.

That's not where yodelling comes from. Aye, but same difference. Tell us the difference between Switzerland and Austria. The Switzerland just hoarded Nazi gold, whereas Austria rolled out the red carpet for them. It was like, thank God, these guys. Right, they've got the same mountain range. Okay, so it's France.

They both speak someone else's language. Oh, what did they speak in Switzerland? French. Did they? Mm-hmm. The Swiss are weird. Mm-hmm.

They're one of the weirder European ones. Aye. And people in Moldova are like, oh my God, it is the Swiss. We were in Zurich airport and just, they couldn't get the bill

at an airport, which is unforgivable. Like, you're at an airport for fuck's sake you've got to make us a thief so I can catch my flight cheers mate

oh yeah yeah yeah if I ask for the bill and it's not there in five minutes in any normal restaurant fair enough you're right I should be talking to my friends there's other things to be doing

I should be talking to the love of my life I can be checking my phone I can be ordering an Uber whatever in an airport under five minutes the meal's fucking free the meal is free yeah as soon as you ask for the bill the bill's got to be there just bring the bill with a meal fucking we've got flights to catch right so we're just like how can you be a country that prides yourself on making watches but not give a flying fuck about the time um but we're there briefly ever

so briefly now we're in Austria But let's get To the meat and bones of the episode Daniel You've just been on your honeymoon? Have And I was fucking howling At how much Anytime you interacted with anyone In a WhatsApp group

The most You know like your honeymoon must be boring The most treacherous Disgusting Lowest form of banter I could feel it season I have ever experienced in my fucking life really, really, really, really funny people

reducing themselves to the people on the internet who when you post a funny conversation from your phone, their only contribution is, you need to charge your phone. So it's like, here's something we can all acknowledge is funny, but you don't want to because you're in a mood for some reason so you're just trying

to make it about you and reduce the funny thing and you're knocking over everyone's Jenga tower like it's just trolley out the pram I could feel the atmosphere in the Maldives

like I don't I knew exactly like how you were I knew like all of the arguments you were having in your head all of the rants that you were having

internally while you were like I'm having a shit i don't even know because i'm chatting to my mates and they're fucking spoilt it there's a five hour hour five hour difference between the maldives and home so me and cara would wake up every morning about seven or eight a.m we'd pick one of the many like breakfast places we'd go to like we'd have really healthy breakfast we'd have coffee together sometimes we even got to. We'd have a really healthy breakfast. We'd have coffee together. Sometimes we even got to do the... You could order breakfast on a floating tray in the pool. So it's like pancakes and fruit and fresh coffee. They had their own coffee making place on the island.

And somebody who puts sugar in all of his coffee because I just drink coffee. Oh, straight from the plantation, was it? Oh, nothing tastes sweeter. But I don't enjoy the, like, the nat... You know Mel Borning has been like, you've got to enjoy the natural taste. No, you don't.

You put fucking sugar in it, you throw it down your neck, and it's just legal cocaine. I'm kind with the Meldenians on this one. Are you? Aye. I like the taste of medicine, mate. Well, this is where I was... I don't want any cocaine.

I don't want any cocaine. That's a very good point fair enough it was really to the point where I didn't put any sugar in the coffee I was having out there because it was just

really really nice so me and Cara we have a breakfast together we set out in the pool it gets very hot we go we read our books

for a bit we shower we go down to the beach we swim with sharks every morning we get to swim with sharks every single day We set out in the pool It gets very hot We go We read our books for a bit We shower We go down to the beach We swim with sharks Every morning We get to swim with sharks Every single day Like little sharks

Anywhere between Well the nest sharks Is that why you can swim with them? I think they're reef sharks But they're just like Wet nest sharks Yeah yeah The dry ones are dead

They're small The biggest one was probably About four Four and a half feet long. It's still hefty, like, yeah, it's still a pack's a nibble. Oh, they could take out, Cara, but here's my toxic... I'll get swimming with Cara's then. I'll swim alone. Look, it's like that really old shitty fucking joke. If you're being chased by a bear, I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you yeah here's my toxic trait I think

I like those sharks a four foot shark I'd love to get bitten by one of them yeah because you've got the story 100%

we've talked about this in a couple episodes back about you'd like to be bitten by a shark if you're going to live yeah does it count if it's like

one of the little any bitty ones you know if if you're showing people a shark bite and it's just like it looks like you could have just done it it's how you tell the story baby like it's like you'd be like i got bitten by a shark tell us a story no no because then you'll get into the technicalities of it here's the truth i was bitten by a shark that's like when i told the story i've told a story on bd sports about me megan tino esprit i didn't like when I told the story I've told a story on BT Sports about me making Tino a sprayer I didn't tell the part

of the story where when I got to the other side my legs went like jelly and I fell over flat on my face you got the same jelly legs you did on the bull run

absolutely absolutely couldn't believe couldn't believe what was happening I was like like dream running. Front rows of the Newcastle paper the next day,

she says Tony Esprit are jumping over you while you're huddled up in a little ball. You know, I sent the photo to the producer. I didn't send the video. I've got the video of his note, I only ever share the photo. I call him Tony Asprea there

that's what I call him we're on first name terms but we're not good friends

Anthony Asprea so then after that like man we cycled the island every day you know

we would go to the gym we'd have fucking delicious lunch do you have a tandem no no

just a really tiny like little island would you ride a tandem with Cara, no. Just a really tiny little island. Would you ride a tandem with Cara? Yeah, I would do. And this will come up later on in the podcast. I would do anything to make my wife happy. Even if it was detrimental to my happiness.

If it truly made her happy. And the reason she enjoyed it wasn't because I hated it. If she liked a thing, genuinely, and me joining in on that thing would make her happier. There are very little things I would not do. Would you give her your vote if she was voting different to you in an election? Like, you know, if she wanted if there was another indie

ref, and it was like, something that she, like one of her mates was going to be like, out of a job and she was voting really personally or something like that. Could you change your vote for her? Oh, okay, like it's in well it depends what it was it depends on the vote

if it was can you change it between yes and no in an indie ref and like we'll go through and she would give me some decent I know I mean I probably you know what

I don't know if I can I fucking had to tell her I was yeah yeah yeah yeah I just lied to my wife I need a bottle of You know what I don't know if I can I fucking didn't Just tell her I was Yeah yeah Why Yeah yeah I just lied to my wife I need I need a bottle of Love you too

And just a string of other lies Getting a combo here God I can't wait to go home So And then we'd swim again the afternoon We'd get fucking massages Like I read three books while I was out there I spoke to my wife

I obviously had horrific amounts of sex Just once It's a really horrific amount It's really really weird When you go on your honeymoon Because we were dropping our son off Cara's parents came down to do the first shift of looking after our son.

Oh, you've had to probably bed yourself for the night. Yeah, yeah, for a long time. Because you just get pockets of time and then he'll claim in ways and... Yeah, yeah. Well, sometimes he sleeps all the way through the night, but you're always... Because you have to grab a fuck, don't you,

when you're pregnant? Yes, aye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like sex is... I don't know if you remember Like when you were little When your dad used to work Like lots and lots and lots

There'll be times when I imagine Yeah we hardly had any sex Me and my dad Just fucking out with it at night I went to bed at seven Actually perfect time It's not before I'm getting in I'm on Dynaboo

Before school I just mean in the sense Like if you've ever seen I need to jump the fence On my lunch Just get a quickie in Come on I mean in the sense of like if you've ever seen I need to jump the fence on my lunch just get a quickie in come on I mean in the sense of like

if you've ever seen like I remember my dad like in the morning before he was going to work just like he didn't have time to make himself breakfast

sometimes so he would just like pick the scraps of our breakfast and shove them in his mouth and go out the fucking door that's the type of sex me and Cara get when we're at home

with our son which is like we got we got three fucking minutes here right TikTok motherfucker it's got to be the type of sex being kind of get when we're at home with our son, which is like, we got, we got three fucking minutes here, right? TikTok motherfucker. It's got to be the length of a TikTok. Not that I am TikTok-ing it.

I remember my first ever overseas holiday. It was like my sister was still a baby. So she got babysat. It made me, but I would have been like, I'm going to say six and eight. If my sister was a baby and, um,

it rained a couple of days in Portugal, and me mum and dad were never out of their room. Yeah. And now I know what it was. Yeah, yeah. Like, it took us growing up to go, oh, they weren't just sleepy. My father-in-law, before we left, took me and Cara inside and went, remember, it's Daniel and Cara's holiday,

not mummy and daddy's. And I'm like, why don't you just say give her one for me and that'd be a bit of it she's been giving a fucking seat here will you and you know what man I did did that for you there you go Dave

does he watch this? No I hope not I reckon he's invested in my careers not this level. That's a public one. I'm going to sign up for Patreon. He doesn't even really have headphones. He doesn't listen to podcasts. Aye, aye, aye.

This is my impression of my father-in-law listening to a podcast, and it's not a podcast. It's whenever Rangers lose a football match, he just goes on to TalkSport to listen to all the crying hunts. Aye, aye, aye. You fucking wankers. a football match he just goes onto Talk Sport to listen to all the crying hunts oh yeah you fucking wankers they definitely get they definitely get

way more out of football of like the opposition doing bad than they do out of themselves doing well I do quite like that side of the old film it's so petulant

it's so petulant it's funny that was also B with football like before I would much much because you weren't

getting any joy out of Scotland so it was all about England doing bad well and also before I would much much because you weren't getting any joy out of Scotland so it was all about England doing bad what and also man I would much rather I would much rather watch I would much rather watch Arsenal or

Liverpool get relegated than I would watch Chelsea ever win a match ever again that's fair enough 100% I would as well yeah your father-in-law is like I would as well and yeah

your father-in-law is like my dad as well he'll be like you've seen this and he'll get the phone and he'll show you the thing and then he'll press the screen in seven minutes

oh my father-in-law is not bad for that has he done that to you? I think he might have done it once or something and I was like aye my dad does that he didn't show us the whole thing though

he might as well have been shown us a bit of it but I was like oh god I hope I'm not missing from the 7 minute clip your dad just says to him watch this and it's the deer hunter 3 hours long

he puts his full fucking biblical movies on Ben Hur I watched the deer hunter the other day this is another side track that movie could be 45 to 90 minutes shorter if they just cut out the wedding scene. I've not seen Deer Hunter.

Is it black and white? No, no. But it's a young, it's... It's the Russian roulette one, isn't it? Christopher Walken is so young in it that he's not even doing a Christopher Walken impression. He hasn't developed that, what's it called? Cadence.

Cadence. Mannerism. Cadence. Mannerism. Cadence as well. The wedding scene is 45 minutes long and all So you just get the full wedding video

all the way through. That's how long a wedding video is. And all it does is establish that Robert De Niro and fucking whoever I just said

Christopher Walken are going to war and Meryl Streep not too chuffed about it. In modern day movies, it could have been three minutes long and then you could have

got to the fucking war quicker. Ding dong, it's the sound of capitalism. This podcast is proudly sponsored by and proud to be sponsored by Thistley Cross Cider. The alcohol I drink

in my spare time and have done for several years. So much so that i begged them to sponsor this podcast the fact it's a personal favorite drink of both of us makes it so easy to do this bit none of the looking down the barrel and just lying about a script that you've been forced down your neck you're like no we actually want to be sponsored by this company if you watched any of the live streams i did during uh covid you understand that this across has always been one of my favourite ciders.

It comes in five delicious flavours. They are strawberry, elderflower, original Scottish fruits, and my personal favourite, whiskey cask flavoured. Which is not just your own personal favourite, but it won the award in 2023 for the best flavoured cider at the Scottish Cider Awards. The UK Cider Awards. Is that right? And if I was one of the judges, I would have absolutely won it. for the best flavoured cider at the Scottish Cider Awards. At the UK Cider Awards. Is that right? Atchell.

And if I was one of the judges, I would have absolutely won it. If you go to thisleycrosscider.co.uk and use the promo code THISTLESLOSS10, you will get a 10% discount code. And by using that code, you will also let them know that our very good influencing has actually worked and then there will be more benefits in the future for both us and you, I imagine.

And at the moment, this is only available in the UK. It's a small Scottish company based in Dunbar in East Lothian and eventually, hopefully with our help, it'll get big enough to provide cider to all of our listeners all over the world. Let's make it big in India, lads.

We want all the Estonians drinking Thistley Cross. to all of our listeners all over the world. Yeah, let's make it big in India, lads. We want all the Estonians drinking Thistley Cross. By going to this across cider.co.uk. So we're having the time of our fucking life. Man, it was truly paradise in Maldives, right? Oh yeah, like Instagram looked class. Yeah. Like we've got a proper hankering to go now.

Yeah, and it didn't even do it justice like me and Cara aren't foodies so we weren't even like being adventurous with all the amazing food like the seafood out there looked amazing but we both ate

fucking seafood so we're not eating any of that we did a bunch of the excursions our days are chock-a-fucking-block right

then it gets to about seven or eight at night right Cara's we've had our dinner we're having a couple of drinks we're waiting for couple of drinks we're

waiting for whatever the night time thing to happen is the animation team yeah doing some

fire juggling or something no man we did the bingo twice we did the pub quid twice we went to

like the 70s now you're never out of whatsapp right so at that fucking time we're

waiting we go in right the whatsapp's getting lit because it's now getting about one or two in the fucking afternoon and you go in and you're right the whatsapp's getting lit because it's now getting about one or two in the fucking afternoon and you go in

and you're trying to join in with Banner and fucking muggles friends I have who I thought were comedians and it turns out they're just fucking muggles like

I guess your honeymoon must be shit also from my single friends that aren't anywhere near a stable relationship like oh I was

Cara's like where did your pedestal come from Of ideal honeymoon Like as if As if the honeymoon Is literally like While my wife's sitting

It's the most time You've ever had in your hands There's nothing else to do I watched so much Fucking football I never missed a kick in the ball I was watching all the football Yeah like

People would just go Well your honeymoon must be shit If you're watching the football You're like It's fucking class Because I'm watching the football I read two newspapers a day I would

Like those two weeks Were the most politically informed I've ever been in my fucking class because I'm watching the football I read two newspapers a day those two weeks were the most politically informed I've ever been in my entire life because I'm like you know what fuck it I've got nothing else to do and occasionally

no chores you ask your wife questions about yourself you're like what's your fucking name again what's your favourite colour oh yeah yeah I knew that

what colour are your eyes again I can never remember the colour of Cara's eyes I think they're blue so funny why would I need to remember what colour her eyes are when I can just look at them the colour of Cara's eyes. I think they're blue. So funny. Why would I need to remember what colour her eyes are when I can just look at them?

I've got aphantasia and I don't have a visual memory. Your wife's brown. Everyone knows her eyes are brown. That's fucking cheating. That's how everyone knows my birthday's 9-11. No correlation.

Because my wife is brown. Yeah, yeah. People say Your friend saying to you On your honeymoon I remember the exercise colours Yeah Because you've still got them

Huh I collect them In a jar Try the callous pickle Oh yeah Your friend saying to you Your honeymoon must be shit While you're trying to engage

With your friends Is just It's the least polite way I've ever been told to fuck off by people I thought liked me. I would genuinely much rather, while I'm trying to join in banter, people just went, fuck off, mate.

We don't want to talk to you. Instead of disguising that as the lowest form of banter I have ever been waterboarded with in my fucking life. And then, so you were just like, been waterboarded with in my fucking life aye and then so you were just like

you're relaxing on the pool she's reading a book and you're not allowed to talk to your mates aye yeah she's there having a fucking

afternoon nap so my friends would just want me to just go this is bliss aye that's what I love aye

even though I've been doing this for fucking seven hours before I'm sunburned this did force you to make friends out there though I've been doing this for fucking seven hours before I'm sunburned This did force you to make friends out there though You've got a new friend group now It didn't force us to make friends You know about me

I hate other people I am a firm believer In I have friends I don't need any more friends I'm very specific about my friends If I don't need any more friends. I'm very specific about my friends. If I don't like one of my friends, I will just cut them out of my life

and never speak to them again. They don't want to know they've been cut out of my life. I just reduce. This is where me and Natalie are different because she has made friends in our estate. She goes to dodgeball with people from the street. I don't know anyone to have a pint with and in my whole area and that's the way i've built it yes i of the lowest form of relationship in the world

is proximity based relationships that's why i dislike taxi drivers because they're like hey let's talk to each other uh uh not not friends uh-uh. Not friends, not friends. You're doing a job. Me near you while you do your job. You are very transactional. Yeah. It's just because we're near each other, just because that's the one thing we have in common, doesn't mean we have to engage. This is why he doesn't subscribe to the girlfriend situation

on the strip. I swear, they try and pretend they like you. Oh, don't. Oh, fuck. The girlfriend experience. You're like, that's a fuck off. No, I'm not. No, I'm not even that's her fuck off That's you No I'm not

No I'm not even Dance her fuck off I'm like let me leave Let me leave Who dragged me into This awful strip club The other one You like dance bitch

That's you How You know You know I would much rather be In a fucking Concentration camp Than I would be

In a stripper Because At least I would be able To derive joy I hate neighbors I I hate the idea that like if I move to a new place people could be like I'm your neighbor cool now you're not because I'm moving house because I cannot fucking believe that you think just because you live next door to me, you have the right to fucking talk to me. This is who I am.

I'm very rarely in a mood to talk to dog walkers. That's the one thing. There's one or two times where I've actually had an enriching conversation with someone on a dog walk, but they're not worth the million mundane conversations that you have. Yeah. I love the people that don't even engage with you. They just let your dogs fucking have a sniff.

And you both just stand there in just fucking comfortable silence. Yeah. And then you move your dogs on. Yeah. Like fucking loads of love for those guys. It's the reason old school fucking pumps suck shit. Right? Because you've got all these fucking pensioners in there

trying to remember the fucking glory days. You walk into the pub You're doing a fucking point the guy next to you go busy day. Fuck off Fuck off. Fuck. Who are you? Why are you talking to me? All right, this is me. This is who I am I have no interest in making friends. So day four of my shit honeymoon. I'm so bored of me fucking wife Right and we go down to I've and also I've never done If you don't holidays when you were younger when you made holiday friends is this something you've done before like familiar with the home like i've i've been there with because we used to do like

at home camping when we grind a harry the filthy one yeah he used to get on a shagging hold and bring the kids just i put you in a tent go off dogging somewhere Yeah So I would make friends On them holders Yeah Like This is how old I am I sometimes Become pen pals

With people I met on holder I've wrote letters Aye Aye And you're fucking Chicken scrawl as well Aye My fountain pen

Because that's how old I am Dipping it in my ink With a little wax seal of it send it on horseback so yeah I've stayed in touch like that but friends wise

like when I've been on couples holders I've like I've I've had people that I'll speak to around the pool but they not stay in touch with them as an adult i've only ever like the holidays i did when i was a kid

so it's a holiday mate is he uh-huh you just made friends with him out there uh he was out in zanti at the same time i was there while my mates and a lot of my mates just knew him anyway from living in ashton yeah and he just ended up being part of a holiday. So, like, it was like he got folded into a group, friend of a friend. So it wasn't, like, just totally fucking consequential. Cara has always been, like, because she does holidays where, you know, she'd go to fucking Tenerife or, like, whatever the other, you know, fucking Benidorm, Cancun, whatever, and she'd go out there with her friends and she'd meet new friends,

she'd make holiday friends. I'm not in the business of making holiday friends. I've never made holiday friends. If you try to talk to me while I'm on holiday and you're not staff or my wife, I will just fucking stare at you because I paid for a holiday, not for your conversation.

Unless it's a mutual complaint about the hotel and the unionising. Well, not in the Maldives. Well, so I think the friendship group we end up getting in with is, we get like four or five days in and I'm now so angry that my evenings are ruined now. Because the evenings is when I would talk to my friends, right?

And Cara is talking to her friends from home because her friends aren't fucking cunts. I hear friends asking how the hold is going and she's going, it's lovely. We've done this, we've done that. We've done this, yeah, yeah. She's sending the pictures there. Leaving voicemails.

Yeah. They're giving updates of their time at home. One of them is a new mother. Cara's friends are really lovely and are asking. My friends are bags of shit who are just like, you must be having the worst fucking time.

So I don't... I no longer want to talk to my friends because I'm just... I'm mad at them. Oh. I'm angry at me mates. I'm going to be water-broated with the most treacherous fucking banter

I've ever experienced. So I'm like, well, I might as well just engage with muggles then. That isn't what happened. What happened was, we're at a pub quiz, right? Me and Cara getting drunk. I fucked. I fucked her out of...

I fucked her out of... I fucked one of the neighbours. i fucked her out of so many pub quiz answers right because look because you know better right well i do not here's the thing right and this might sound arrogant but does change it to true i'm smarter than my wife right i'm just smarter than and also if you're like me which i think you you are, if you think you're right, you know you're right. Yes. I was doing a multiple choice quiz on TV the other day and I was certain the fucking answer was something that wasn't on the list to the point that Ian Stone

was like questioning himself. And were you wrong? Fucking course I was. It's me. He's like, it was play of the season last year. Kieran Tripp, yeah, Joel Linton, no, Fabian Shaw. I was like, it was player of the season last year Kieran Tripp yeah Joel Linton no Fabian Shaw I was like

it was fucking Bruno Guimaraes I was fucking certain it was Bruno Guimaraes I watched the fucking Amazon documentary as well where he went to an award show and accepted an award but it was like

the PFA player of the year award so I was like I've seen him click the cunt that's adamant and everyone was like Tripp yeah yeah well fair enough there was like general

knowledge that was so sorry i'm gonna get back to yours but there was a bit where ian stone was going it's got to be on the list it's got to be on the list and he kept saying that i was like i nearly went i read oscar schindler on television with you during these during these trying times suicide um so there was like there was like currency questions there was capital questions there was because they've got to make these questions like accessible for a multinational audience right you can't just be like it can't be like premier league questions or like stuff around like the UK it's got to be stuff that people from fucking Russia can get and people from India and all their guests.

Yeah. So it's global knowledge rather than really specific. It's never going to be something with Coronation Street. Yeah. Flags of countries, capitals of countries, and me and Cara are quite good. I'm getting a little bit more than she is, but only not because I'm smarter, only because I'm more well-travelled in this aspect. Let's see if you can notice my hubris here.

The final round, the one that we need to win. Animals. That's Cara's vocation. I talked her out of four correct answers. They would put up a picture. That would be like her talking you out of questions with comedy. Oh, I'm aware I'm aware

but I'm sitting there to be fair I wasn't being forceful with her I was just like I was doing my quietly comedy I'm like

look if you think that's a python that's fair enough if you think that's a python I think it's a boa right because it looks

big enough like constrict and that's what boas do and Cara's like it's a python I'm like okay if you want it to be a boa

and she's like and because I'm so unbearable when I'm either right or wrong she's going if it's a python. I'm like, okay, if you want to do it, go for it. And she's like, and because I'm so unbearable when I'm either right or wrong, she's going, if he's fucking right, he's never going to let me fucking live with that. I'll just... And he's fair. If he's wrong, he's going to be such a bad loser.

Yeah. And also, to be fair to him, he is often right. We're on the same team. Yeah. And also, I'm a woman. Therefore, he's just naturally smarter than me. His brain is bigger. DNA.

DNA. I'll concede. concede it was a python it was a coyote it was a finch it was all of these and she's so and would you have won

if you'd let her answer or were you just like we would have we would have we would have come first instead of third would there have been consolation goals

and would there have been vital no no we would have won instead instead of third would there have been consolation goals would there have been vital no no we would have won instead of coming third wow yeah yeah

and I suppose your honeymoon's meant to be there to test your marriage isn't it yeah oh boy it was a test so it was such a test

that Cara immediately went I'm not talking to you let's go make some new friends girl in front of us leans over and I'm like I'm already dreading it I'm like fucking

this is going to be crap Irish accent and I go oh now that's that's

it's a roll of the dice this one could go either way but but more times than not this is actually going to be

it's not a Brit abroad it's not a Brit abroad it's not a Brit abroad this is going a Brit abroad it's not a Brit abroad this is going to be fucking excellent so she gets round they start talking

we're all very very drunk at this point pub quiz ends it's their first night they're like where do we go now we're like this other place is open

till midnight we can go there let's all walk down together we get down there we end up having a couple of drinks good crack both of them they're Irish

of course they are they've got the chat we, both of them. They're Irish. Of course they are. They've got the chat. We're both talking about, because we're on our honeymoon, right? And they're like, what's the best bit and what's the worst bit? And I'm like, don't message home. Don't message home at any point.

I don't know if your friends are like my friends, but you think they're good banter. But it turns out when you're on your honeymoon, your friends all become so bitterly jealous that all they do is have the worst banter in existence. So don't message home. And he's like, I don't know. My friends are pretty signed on.

I'm like, I thought that was the case as well. I thought my friends were really, really cool. And it turns out they're all worse at comedy than Matt Rife. And then we're sitting away at this table. And there's another couple over there. And they've clearly like just arrived and the guys just leaning back listening to a conversation I don't know anyone but these these people they are just so used to going but they're like a they're

so used to going on holiday and just making like holiday friends with each other that's something they do they haven't got this force field run though that you put on because you want on tour and you're at work and every time you go to another country it's a fleeting visit and you just want it to be as efficient

as possible you don't want it to be yeah like time consuming yeah and also like they're like

look they're also like hey I love my wife I love my partner but also we're going to spend the rest of our lives

together so I'm allowed to talk to other people and have fun second couple English going to spend the rest of our lives together. So I'm allowed to talk to other people and have fun. Second couple, English. So you discriminated against them, you judged them. Oh, judged them.

Dang. Fucking hard. You profiled them. I absolutely did. I absolutely did. I was like, who the fuck are these? Like Toodlepip, English. No, no, no, no.

All right, governor. No, not me when I was four, English. Like Totemosh? Cara did a very good impression of both of them. And by very good, I mean very offensive. But the accents of Brits abroad. So I'm like, I hear the accent. I'm like, this isn't going to be good.

But we introduce ourselves. I go, what's your name? And they go, Oi, oi, oi go oi oi they go holly and olly and I went

I'm in I'm absolutely in a couple that are named like cats that are sisters

two fucking fish in a primary school fish tank holly and olly absolutely does that

make a jolly show a couple like that as well Ricky and Vicky well so one of the Irish guys

Guess what his name was Like Padraic Dara Dara Dara and Kara Dara and Kara Well we didn't swing

But we could have We were very tempted And there was his Mrs Danielle That joke was made We were desperate for it to be It was just It was just Francis

Which is annoying Because I hate France That's not even true anymore I totally hate France If you want to France true anymore. I don't hate France. You've walked into France. I'm going to France on Tuesday. When you go home, I'm going to France. Yeah, this isn't about you.

Okay. So the first time... You're going to text us like, the football must be boring if you're texting me. So we end up drinking that night they've both had like travel days from fucking hell

right we're drinking we're chatting away and it's really hard to complain if you've had a travel day from hell to the Maldives

like we had a travel day to hell to Hawaii do you think anyone back home give a fuck nobody cared that is the

epitome of diamond shoes are too tight but they had it was really hard getting to the Maldives they absolutely had but it was bad getting to the Maldives. They absolutely had. But it was bad.

Our sympathy. The reason she won me over completely, right, was, their flight was fucking, while in the air, there was a huge storm over wherever they needed

to land in, in fucking Dubai. So they had to land at a different airport. They were on the track for like three hours. And then the queue at the airport to get their new seats was like three hours. And then the queue at the airport

to get their new seats was like three hours long. It was a whole fucking fiasco. It went viral on Twitter. It was really, really bad in the airport. And apparently there was this guy in business class line. This is thousands of people queuing up for the new flights and the guy in the business class line. Like, how the fuck are all of these people

getting in before us when we're business class? And it's not, he's not getting, in before us and we're business class and it's not he's not getting there are two people serving the business class queue and there are 10 people serving the thousand economy class so that is a fair system right that is that is a fair it's not we get rid of all the business people your queue's shorter you've got less people queues longer that's fine yeah so he's like pointing at people that have been there for three hours going how are they before me all right and because she's just she's just one of those they're from red she's one of those little small ones it's like rottweiler i don't take and she's just like she she's like

i'm just yelling i'm telling what a piece of is and her husband's open like he was she was just yelling up they're getting me into the fight here. I know how this goes. The tale is old as time. So I'm like, they're winning me over. This is great. Like I'm suddenly realising my innate judgements are wrong. My, you know, like maybe I should be less judgmental on who people are and what they sound like. And like just interfering in my past experiences,

going in and giving people a blank slate. And obviously the alcohol is helping with this. Cara, every time we're alone, she's like, into bringing my past experiences going on and giving people a blank slate and obviously alcohol is helping with this cara every time we're alone she's like i have never seen you be this nice to strangers and i'm like cara i don't have any friends at home right now they totally turned on by it like tolerance suits you so like i've never seen you so tolerant before daniel do you know i liked it i didn't know I enjoyed making new friends. So we get back to our room, right? And we come back to our room and fucking guess who's next to us

in the villa beside the hotel. Oh, yeah, you've got your new friends next door. Yeah. So we share a ride all the way back. We're having a fucking laugh the whole way. And Cara's like, this is a different side of you. I'm like so what do we what do we do tomorrow

like do we like do we text them do we follow them Instagram do we give them our number and she's like no we just go to breakfast and we'll see them around the pool somewhere

I'm like okay do you think they like tides like was my was my banner you were crushing on them you were crushing on your neighbours I'm just like I'm just saying,

it was just funny, because that was funny, I didn't expect that to be. So my friend, she's like, me and the girls have added each other on Instagram,

so if we want to meet up tomorrow, we can meet up tomorrow. I'm like, oh good, good, good. Have they said anything about me? That's so funny. In Antigua, me and some of my friends

were everyone on the result. Like, made a conscious effort to learn their names and opened with their name every time we saw them everyone aye

and the bed they loved it fucking loved it we end up spending the next couple of days with her and again it's not like

to people who make holiday friends all the time excuse all of my ignorance while I explain this to the other introvert arseholes

out there like me so we bump into them occasionally you don't go with them for every meal but we agreed every night we would sort of go to our local as we fucking called it, that would be a bare minimum we meet, but sometimes we'd meet accidentally for lunch, have a couple of fucking

drinks together and the whole... The discussive about other people on the resort You know how my judgement of like we were all talking before they were even there

I was like this is a really nice resort because and because the Maldives is obviously much more expensive it's people's it's a once in a lifetime

trip for for many many people that you sort of there was no Brits abroad there was no cunts on there that's not true there was a differentits abroad vibe. There was no cunts on there. That's not true.

There was a different type of cunt. There's a new type of cunt that I was unaware of. Rich Russians. Yeah, have you never come across them before, like in Marbella? No, scum of the fucking earth. Like the type of people, because I imagine the service in the Maldives is so good

that it must be like a degree in university or college there because their number one thing is tourism. Because they are so on the point of everything. Me and Cara have a meal at one point and the guy, talking away, making eye contact with each other, you know, because we're having fun on our honeymoon. And this guy comes, one honeymoon and this guy comes up with like hand sanitizer and a napkin and I'm like I don't have the sniffles he's like no you spilled like Cara hadn't even noticed that I'd spilled that in my fucking front I'm wiping there later on he comes up he takes her water away she's like I was drinking that he's like no no I'm just getting you new glasses I'll fly in that one Cara hadn't even fucking noticed they are so

honest so after day two I'm like is there an ATM on the island because I'm just going to tip everyone if people are this good

at their fucking job constantly like Cara got really sunburned and I cycled to the medical centre just to get her some ibuprofen to help reduce the swelling

and halfway down one of the guys just sees me looking at the map and he goes what are you looking for I'm like don't worry about it I'm just going to the medical centre and he goes, what are you looking for? I'm like, don't worry about it. I'm just going to the medical centre.

And he was like, what for? I explain. He's like, go. He's like, come on, I'll jump on the stud pegs. He fucking sent me back. He sent me back. Two minutes after I get there, ibuprofen and freshly cut aloe vera from a tree. Oh, wow.

So he was just like, go and enjoy your hot dog. Sort this out. What are you doing? Yeah. So again, I'm like, to me and Cara. I'd love to text my mates about this. Never mind. Yeah,

no, I can't. I can't. God forbid. And so I'm just like, all these staff are amazing. So it's always like, please and thank yous.

You know, if these people are being nice to you, I'm super nice. I mean, I'm nice to staff anyway, in general. Yeah, just in case you get spotted.

The lowest type of person, the lowest type of person, the biggest red flag for me like if if i was single uh one of the biggest x for me is being rude to staff that is such a character defining fucking trait yeah russians can we can we change everything for this can we can we do exactly what i want to do here None of the cunts fucking tipped we're doing this. Aye, bossy. Aye, fucking Slava Ukraine, man. Slava fucking Ukraine.

Aye. So, are Russians still just cutting a boot everywhere? Yeah, with no shame. With no shame. Like, they're really still proud of being... Sorry, I'm not like them.

Yeah. At least Americans now are like, still woo, we're number one, but do you... Woo, number one. Yeah, we know you don't like us saying that, so we'll just whisper number one. No, Russians have only been reading Putin's propaganda and are like, look at us stopping the next Holocaust.

What a brilliant bunch of people we are. And because of that, I'm going to be immensely rude to the politest people in the world because I've got money and that makes me better than everyone. I'd done the dumbest thing in a restaurant in Liverpool. It was, you know, I forget what the market was, it was a public market. I remembered what it's called um as a baltic market and there's loads of different stalls you scan the qr code on your table right and then you order your food from whichever

stall you want so i get like hummus from one stall and i get some chicken from another stall right and um jen's hummus arrives at the table and i get a text message saying my hummus is ready i'm like well suppose they're busy now and i went and clicked it right and then my chicken didn't arrive people joined the table people all had food their food arrived some people from the chicken place and then my food still hadn't arrived and I went back and I was just like uh my chicken hasn't arrived and she was like oh the order's just come through and then she was like it was about half an hour again she's like it's just come through now for your table and I went and sat back doing and then somebody else's order come and I went oh she was like, it's just come through now for your table. And I went and sat back down and then somebody else's order come

and I went, oh, that must have been theirs. That just comes through. Mine still isn't here. I was like polite about it, but it was getting like 45 minutes. And then she eventually came back with my order and went, you put your phone number down instead of your table number. Stupid cunt. That's why the homeless people just went,

fucking this idiot, text him. Fucking text him from your own number and say that it's here. The chicken guy's just chucked in the bin. It's a daft cunt. It was so funny because Matty was there now. He just loved it. He was there. Yeah, the problem was you, wasn't it?

The problem that you thought was somebody else's problem was your problem all along. Is that right? I'm very unlike you. Aha, there we go. He's building the character of us based on a small mistake. So we, every night, me and my new holiday friends, right, we would meet up,

go for a couple of drinks, have a laugh. And it's, man, I'm having the time of my life. Every night, Cara's like, this is a side of you I have never seen. So are you dancing freely? Well, so let me get to this. Let me get to this.

I've screen recorded that. And I might need it sometime. Me, Cara, and on the other side are Holly and Ollie, and our Irish friends, Francis and Dara. They're staying at one of the other ones on the actual island. But they're going to be changing to one of the water villas on one day. And all week we're like, wouldn't it be fucking funny?

Wouldn't it be fucking funny if just sheer fucking chance, there's 50 water villas, what if they're put in the one on the other side of us like what are the fucking odds of that aye and then Cara's just like putting her word in real reception

no but and we don't know how this fucking happened me, Holly, Nolly Cara are having lunch Dara no no no

not Dara Dara's yeah yeah yeah on the other side of the island but Dara and Francis come over and like we've just been given our water villa you're not going to fucking believe this.

We are on the other side. And we're like, we've been hanging out, but we've been getting bills separately, obviously, even though it was all-inclusive and stuff. I don't know. We do think it was just a coincidence, but also like, they're so good at staff. Like maybe they had seen us all together.

Yeah. But even then, like, how do we, how did they know the person next door was going to leave at the exact same day that they needed this? Yeah, there was a lot of coincidence at play. Yeah. It was meant to be. So we're all...

That was said. That was said unironically. Just let them have it, man. Just let them have it. Fucking irate. It was me saying it. What happened to you? What happened to you? What happened to you?

And I gave Fred like Hi I'm affable This is not only a Ging school will From this day forth So And again

All week we've been saying All week we've been saying It's so nice That there's just not This fucking Brits abroad vibe. There was nobody out there that got too drunk. There was nobody that was there. And as awful as every single Russian person was,

without exception, they were just rude. They weren't loud and obnoxious. Right. So you had to say it. It wasn't pushed in your face. We go to a pub quiz, right? We decide to do, instead of couples,

we decide to do boys versus girls right yeah you must have smashed them well of course we did because we cheated we cheated our

fucking ass off okay okay just gain advantage by any means possible I didn't even want to cheat but I'd be sitting and be like

I'm pretty I'm almost certain I'm almost certain that that's the like the Ethiopian flag but I'm not really sure and they're just like it's your trade and I'm like we're that's the Ethiopian flag, but I'm not really sure. And they're just like, it's your trade.

And I'm like, we're just cheating the whole thing. And he's like, we're against the women. Of course we're cheating our way through this. We won the whole thing. Yeah, you've just got to be a reflection of society, Daniel. We ended up getting really, really drunk at the pub quiz. We ended up getting fucking shots. We go to the next bit uh our

our our evening local right and there's a dj on there um aldevian dj and he's out on like the the docks the pier bit with the sharks and the stingrays and the man as they're swimming underneath and there's not many people up dancing because this man is like a fucking friday night but he's like playing like disco and not disco music like dj music sort of thing i'm like man this is like a couple's retreat like people love that you're playing nightclub stuff you're not going to get it holly and cara pretty drunk at this point and they're like we're going to go up and they're like play whitney play whitney houston and the guy's like i'm not playing Whitney Houston and kind of like

Abba Westlife this is what needs to happen the guy's like I'm not playing it one of the other staff comes up to the DJ and is like

play read the room play the fucking music the girls want the rest of us all sat at the table because you know me I despise dancing

it brings it's like singing for me it doesn't bring me any joy it doesn't make me feel good about myself it makes you self conscious it makes me self conscious and I just I don't like it it's not singing for me. It doesn't bring me any joy. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. It makes you self-conscious. It makes me self-conscious. And I just, I don't like it.

It's not a fun thing. The only time. Rhythm doesn't come naturally. I only like Scottish country dancing because that's pre-moves. It's regimented. You know what you've got to do. I know exactly what I'm doing. And the only other time I will ever, ever dance is if Cara's there.

Because Cara likes me dancing for whatever fucking reason yeah me dancing brings Cara joy that gives her a laugh gives it but not even like don't be wrong that is 40% of it but she's really sincere in the fact that she's like when you're drunk and you dance and you genuinely don't care it's nice to see you like loosen that way and I really like it I'm like okay that's like only you love that about me and that's great the second this guy starts playing whitney houston and everything every other wife and girlfriend in the fucking room in the bar gets up and goes straight to the dance floor this guy has never had this many women on his fucking little pier in his life. Like, they're worried that it's about to go down. It's, everyone's jumping.

Like, Karen comes over at one point. She's like, can you stop sending shots and drinks to us? There's too much. And we're like, we're not sending you anything, darling. Like, me, me. There's some Russians. There's some Russians going, yeah, there's the slacks. We're down at the table we're just doing like

we're watching the loves of our life in their natural habitat which is being leery women screaming music while dancing to it making new friends with people that don't even speak the language all the other boyfriends and husbands around being like finally a bit of peace and quiet

we throw back shots we are getting horrifically drunk horrifically drunk now there's one song there's one song which cara made me dance to constantly during lockdown right and it's the one that you'll see on the fucking video it's because it's a regimented one is it there is it one of the tiktok dancers no i thought it was but it's just been a song that Cara's liked forever like it's she has to

I didn't know it it wasn't like the Macarena or anything that I expect you to know I don't yeah one Maca two one Maca three Macarena four Maca five

Maca six Macarena seven Maca eight Maca nine Macarena eh YMCA oh yeah nearly got it he nearly got it

Macarena at the end oh that's got it what about the Macarena at the end oh that's why they call it the Macarena ah YMCA is the one where they go Y

MCB just going yeah yeah yeah that makes sense um we go up there it's getting towards the end of the night

this DJ is having the time of his fucking life like at the end of the night this DJ is having the time of his fucking life like at the end of the night he requests a picture with Cara and Holly because like this is the best and he's saying to them he's like tomorrow I'm gonna have the best playlist possible for you guys you guys have maybe seen what it is we are so drunk that the staff are like hey they're closing the bar and we're not being we're not like

keep it open it closes it closes that's we're not Russian we're not like we deserve extra treatment because of this

but they are like hey we're going to get you a golf cart back to your water villas and we're like we can walk and they're like we're going to get you

a golf cart no no no not royalty there was no way none of us were going in the sea oh he's with that fuck guy we were the Brits abroad oh yes we were Not royalty. There was no way none of us were going in the same... Oh, he's with that fuck.

Guy, we were the Brits Abroad. Oh, yes. We were. We're in the car on the way back, right? And everyone's just screaming different fucking songs. This poor fucking driver is there. And obviously, because we're all together, me and Cara are the one in the middle. I'm like, let's have a fucking villa party.

Let's go back. I tip the i tip the tip the driver heavily because we're all screaming it's fucking there and we ended up disgustingly mullered now we didn't stay much longer i was i would say it only went till about half two in the morning And did anyone like Pure disgrace themselves So In the morning

At eight in the morning We've gone up in at half two I'm on my fucking honeymoon Cara wakes me up at eight And I'm like If this isn't for sex If this If this isn't for like

Drunken horny Morning hungover sex It's this rich I'm getting my own room ah you're knocking on Holly and Ollie she goes

she goes and Cara often gets this she's like I've got the fear I'm like what she goes I just we were all so drunk last night

I've got the fear I didn't do anything Paris I'm like Cara we all disgraced ourselves aye Cara gets the fear when she crushes it.

It's weird. Isn't it the weirdest fucking thing? It was my birthday where she just fucking, like, absolutely fucking ran the ship. Like, everything was at her pace and everyone was like, oh, fucking class. Somebody's leading the charge. And, like, shots were appearing

when fucking she wanted them. And it was like, all right, okay. Like, she turned that to what could have just been a casual drinking of a fucking birthday party my wife is if and when she's got the time she wants to

and she's got no responsibilities like her son she is the life and the soul of the party she can turn anything into the funnest thing

she turned that fucking dead dance floor you know into a party where literally everyone going well that's my wife

right and then she wakes up in the morning like what did I do last night? Oh, God. Oh, God, did everyone have the time of their life because of me?

Oh, oh, oh. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, they did. It was great. Yeah, I'll wake up after ruining everyone's night. God, what a night. Oh, my God, his face when I've ruined his evening. Proper Tom Stade again. There's a point in the light where I snapped

And I told everyone some home truths That weren't even true just to get a reaction Most people have got to clean up my vomit I've got it everywhere There was some Chundering But I wouldn't even consider it vomit I would call it creating fish food

If you throw up in the ocean That's fine That's nature's toilet I married her And I threw up in Ricketts' bathroom sink And just left it there And got up and Jen was like Cleaned up your sick

She's like I'll send you a gift Just doing our workings out loud I'll send you a gift Just doing our workings out loud I'll send you a gift I think Yeah It's fine I don't mind People get sick all the time

Can I ask It's not My question isn't Why didn't you do it in the toilet That was two feet to the left My question is Why did you put the plug in Yeah

I just wanted to see How big my insides were The only way to properly measure it was It's like the Austrian toilets You just want to see how big my insides were. The only way to properly measure it was. It's like the Austrian toilets. You just want to have an inspection tray and have a good look at it before you, that fucking still blows my mind, that. Like, I'm a reach under wiper.

Oh yeah? Aye. Standing up? Yeah, just like, just lift up a little bit, get round, get me balls. I'm in the back, I mix it up. Aye Standing up? Yeah just like Can you just lift up A little bit Get round Get me pals I'm not I'm not married

To a guy On the front But like But I think girls do it Do they? Yeah Because that's where the fanny is

They've got less They've got less of a gooch I reckon it's dangerous For a lass to do that No I think girls They wipe the fanny The pee there and the girls

probably do both because you've got obviously you've got wipe your piss away from your arsehole and you've got wipe your shit away from your pussy

so they've got you can't be going I got under I can't be like I want my heat put my balls in my teeth but I was like Oh I'm close to touching that

And then he touched my poo And then I had to give it a courtesy flush Yeah I don't Some people stand up to wipe Yeah Aye Yeah I don't know if I

I feel like that would clench it in I don't stand up Hold on How do I do it How do I poo Let me get into the headspace Let me get into the headspace Hold my hand

He's playing on your phone Text my friends God you must be having a shake Now I'm in the WhatsApp group He's going to be hating this Why do they keep saying this to me? Okay then Hinge

And then Oh no Yeah No I can't Yeah I get up like that Aye And sometimes I will Very ungracefully

I will I will Like Because I agree with you Like but he was assisting If you If you stand up You do

Your butt cheeks get together So you ruin the thing So your butt cheeks Have to be spread So I do I do think I'd go You put your hand In your butt

I do think I'd go You put your knee up I do think there's times I love that you put your knee on the toilet seat I'm not pissed on it It's fine So then The next day was our After was our Last day

We didn't swing did we Here's what I learned about swingers Do you know what the Symbol is to let other people Know that you're swingers This would be wild if it was just something That I kept doing Is it like clenching your teeth When you've got your braces on

Constantly Apparently It's an upside down Pineapple Right Like if there's Like if you're on a cruise ship Or something

And someone's got A tattoo Or a t-shirt It could be a tattoo It could be a t-shirt A badge It could be a sticker It could be a badge

Or it could be like physically An upside down pineapple Like if you walk into someone's house and there's a party, and there's a fruit bowl and there's an upside-down pineapple. Apparently that's the symbol. I haven't accidentally been doing that. Which gives me an idea for merch. We should sell pineapple stickers and just put it to our fans.

To just put it on people's doors. Put it on people's doors put it on people's cars oh mate we're doxing we're doxing the fucking swinger community no, no we're not we're doxing people outside of the swinger community yeah that's true the swinger community aren't getting budged by this

apart from the fact that they're gonna they're gonna be the ones that are lured in and baited we're blue balling the swinger community aye yeah if there are any swingers out there

could you let us know if that's true because I I haven't googled it or anything because I'm too because I don't want to ruin my fucking

I wonder if like the community like mix it up all the time they have like a bit of a like cloak and daggers kind of yeah

or they change the symbol I wonder I wonder if they mix it up all the time they have like a bit of a like cloaking daggers kind of yeah or they change the symbol i wouldn't have to mix it up yeah um would you ever swing no what if i begged what if i let you eat the pineapple that was just so funny just you and and Natalie just having the worst time me and Natalie no chemistry we'd have to do like the old school like of doing it through like a sheet

just a hole no I don't think I would and not if you're into swinging if you're into open relationships any of that shit more power to you me personally I don't think I could derive joy from one watching anyone

fuck my wife like I just don't and what if she was enjoying it that would be for worse jealous no I just don't, I just, no,

there's a good suit. It's snowing. You just lied, it distracted us from the conversation. It is snowing, it's absolutely fucking belting it

down now. That's a blizzard there. That's an actual blizzard. Yes. We're stuck in Austria,

aren't we get comfortable we've got a flight to Lithuania tomorrow but saying that these countries like a lot more like they've got the infrastructure to deal with weather oh I see bad bad weather fucks our fucking whole transport system but like over here I think they're a bit better with it fucking every single person just watched me regress to a nine-year-old being like, I wonder if it's enough for school to be cancelled. Also, I... With swinging, I'm not not into swinging. Like, I understand the complications of it

and how it could totally fuck things up. I'd never push it. But Natalie merely suggested it. I'm like a dormant volcano when it comes to swinging. It's safe to holiday around us. But you know what, every now and again, the flights might get landed in the area. Also, the Swinger show, it's like,

I don't know the name of it. This is fucking annoying. I hope Matthew can find it and bring it up on the screen so that everyone can look it up. But it's something house. There's something house. There's something mansion. Like where just swingers just kind of come and go into it. But a lot of them is like the lad wants to give it a go

and the lass is apprehensive or vice versa so there's never like a full understand and it's always like conversations that need to be and there's like um like couples therapy sessions on in the mansion and like just trying to align that expectations of what it's going to be sometimes it's like it's just like dudes going in that'll be like i just want to be swimming in pussy and then like they just get rejected off a bunch of lasses and then a lad wants to join the fray and the girl's quite interested in the lad now he's part of a the freesome that he didn't want yeah and then he's having to get talked out of it by the therapist going well it's got to work both ways you can't

just expect it i'll be like that but it's quite an interesting look into the actual reality of it. I just don't ever want to be within five feet of another man while he's erect. And also I don't want to be erect within five feet of another. That's like that's discomforting your sexuality. I don't think it is. A little bit.

No, because like man, I've kissed blokes. I've not touched someone else's dick. I've not sucked another is. A little bit. No, because, like, man, I've, you know, I've kissed blokes. I've not touched someone else's dick. I've not sucked another dick. But that's because I'm... Oh, yeah, can I... That's because I'm going off the fact that... Can I ask you a very personal question? Yeah.

Did he have a wank in the shower yesterday? Where? In the venue. No. Thank fuck. In the venue? Aye. Nah.

Because I did and I went in after you. no thank fuck in the venue aye nah because I did I went in after you I went in after you right and it was one of those where I was just like oh

there's nowhere really for this to go yeah it's got to go down the drain so where else would it fucking go well like you know into some tissue

in the shower no but like you know normally if you're in a hotel bathroom, you're in the shower, right? You can, like, grab some fucking tissue. You can, like,

fucking shoot it down the toilet. You don't even want to, like, put it on the floor of your fucking bathtub. Yeah, I'm showering. Yeah, shower. Do you just let it go all over the floor?

Yeah, I mean, like... I think I'm a little bit more, I've got a better admin than that in a public place. In fact, in my own house as well. The drain? Man, the drain,

you know when your lass's hair gets caught in the drain and then your fucking spunk gets caught in it and you're fucking picking this like Cronenberg of spunky hair. Oh,

I've done that. I'll avoid that ever happening again in my life. Oh, no. If I can. And especially like in a hotel or a venue

where somebody else has got a tear. But what do you make tea with? I'm fair I'm fair I have weekday right yeah never the amount of times

I've put gloves on to get the cummy hair thing out of the bathroom once a month it never occurred to me to stop masturbating in the shower

like I'll always just like wet the floor and again shoveating in the shower like I'll always just like wet the floor and again shove it in the toilet spit it in the toilet like I've got no self-respect spit it

I try every month in the shower so it doesn't get on the floor keep it in there this way while you're washing Clive must be brushing his teeth

I can hear him gargling like when you hold a shot You know You swallow the shot straight away And the shot's held in your mouth You just need to swallow And then I reckon that

That little bit that we just did Actually made people physically gag And if it didn't Marry them Here's the thing When there was a spew at the villa pool party dara immediately i've never seen somebody swim so fast in my fucking life to the other end of the pool and i'm like where the fuck is he going he's one of them yeah or even gagging noises right so i've took i kind of said to kind of said to them, she's like,

just if you guys are interested, when Daniel gets back home, he's going to do a podcast with his best friend and there's no way he's not going to talk about holiday friends. Oh, so they're listening. Hi guys.

Almost everything. That bit will have made Dara throw up. Oh really? A hundred percent. I am super fucking confident that will have made him spew. Yeah.

Good. I'm happy that we've got this kind of effect on people's lives. No, making them physically sick. physically sick so i was like right turn the shower down to cold because we've all boiled spunk before and that never ends well you know when you're at scald and poached spunk on the floor right no but i'm like steady floor water cold it'll just fucking shoot down the drain never to be seen again right and uh i did that and it just caught a bit of friction and a bit of an edge and dragged

and got doing the thing and i was like i'll just give it a bit of a help with my foot oh i like fucking done it and then like give a little bit of a mush with my foot i'll wash my foot in a minute after biting your tails and then i was like the bit on the edge of the drain that i just must do might not have been mine daniel might not have been as keen with his admin as me and i might have just come in got rid of mine and then just mushed down your ass stubbed it out like a cigarette oh no i'm gonna have to bring this up with him in public in case i mushed a spunk doing the drain but i didn't no thank. Thank God. Thank the Lord. Yeah, no, it wasn't. I didn't have a... Men are disgusting.

Only because we've got, like, you know, there's an end bet. There's stuff to clean up. I understand for women there's also sometimes stuff to, you know, clean up if things are particularly fucking good. But, yeah. Or it's like you'll have a bit of a clean up if you've got a heavy flow when you're having a shower does that

does it come out in the shower when you've got on your period when they bleed uh huh are you like having a little free bleed

in the shower must do must do is it clotty or is it like the gravy that we had yesterday I think it depends

on the time of the month I don't know what the texture of the blood's like I've never asked I have it depends on the time of the month does it

yeah and some months are more like You'll have a heavier flow one month And you'll have a less heavy flow Is it like nosebleed though Or is it blood like brain hemorrhage There can be big bits in it And also sometimes A lot of the time women have

Miscarriages after like 4 or 5 weeks Without even realizing they're having miscarriages after like four or five weeks without even realizing that they're having miscarriages yeah and they just think they're having a particularly heavy period aye aye aye

it's like eyes and teeth aren't they teeth aren't you all born with your teeth people people are born with their teeth oh no if you have a kid

and your fucking abomination looks at you with a big toothy grin like it's just been a turkey like somebody's getting fucking bottle fed. Yeah. So, anyway,

to wrap up, Honeymoon was the, genuinely, it's the best holiday I've ever been on in terms of, like, where we, Just having a swell time.

Yeah. And also, man, it's paradise. It's a literal, Because even if you yeah and also man it's paradise it's a literal because even if you go to Vegas it was the fucking best holiday ever in terms of stories

that you bring home fuck me it's the dark moments when you're such like that yeah and also in terms of like Hawaii when we were there

was amazing we had so much fun wholesome shit yeah but there was there were some fallouts on the Hawaii trip oh yeah

I was on belt I fall me which means there were falloutsouts on the Hawaii trip. Oh, yeah. I was on belt. I formed me. Which means there were fallouts. I was on fucking great form. It's just unlucky for anyone that just bashed up against us that week. Like, what are you doing? You've seen us.

I'm going to form me life. You're faking me for? Fucking rocking country everywhere. Natalie got it. Matty got it. Oh, Matty. Poor Matty got it hard my poor Matty got it hard whereas this one was

man it was just it was like four four days of bliss like it was so funny like we were man I was meditating every day

I worked out all four days there was a fucking protein shake stall at breakfast every single day just feeling good about yourself

am I and then the fucking English and Irish turned up. Aye, and just totally took the wheels off the bus. Oh, fucking chicken nuggets, pizza and pints. Aye. Carrots can't hold it. Aye. First four days were for me. Last six

was for her as she finally got me dancing and making friends with people. So, and here's the good thing. You're going to get to meet both Holly and Ollie and Dara Francis. They're coming to the to meet both Holly and Ollie and Dan and Francis. They're coming to the Vicar Street show and the Palladium show respectively.

Great. And we'll do another podcast while we're out here because we're in Austria at the minute. We've got our Vienna show tonight and then we're going to be

in Lithuania and Estonia and we're going to do another podcast there so we've got more to unpack from you. We can contact you at Honeymoon More. Yes.

And also I've got some stories I've done a tv spot with rob lee the footballer so i want to talk a bit about that that's coming out on if you're watching this on early access and that comes out on tuesday night after the newcastle match of football is your thing i'm on the football is on with their rob lee raul coley and ian stone on tuesday night uh also big massive uh thank you to everyone who came to the show in grass grass thank you to everyone who came to the show in Graz, Graz. What a fucking weird place to consider consistently one of the best on tour.

Somewhere I'd consider maybe I'd record me special there. Man, it's, it's, I mean, Marlena has always thrown it out there as a place to record a special. And it's her hometown as well. I don't know if that's true Yep I am convinced I'm right so I must be. I think she's from Austria I don't think she's. You know when I think I'm right I'm pretty damn right

We've established that that is not, I don't think. Well you don't think and I know so put them two weights for me to scale and see which ones have you okay I'm gonna message her

and I'm gonna be like are you from Graz and if she's not just keep it to yourself don't burst my bubble thank you to everyone who came to the show

in Graz it's constantly good also oh here's right you fuckers listen to this

none of you have bought fucking the cider yet you pieces of shit i know there's there'll be an advert in the middle of this right there's gonna be an advert at the start of this and we're gonna be mixing it up like some of you have some of you have but like not enough for us to keep a sponsorship deal a disrespectfully low amount you are embarrassing us i emailed i emailed thisley cross in good faith and i was like hi i am there's nearly 10 000 people in episode listen to this now yeah yeah there's all platforms I emailed I emailed Thistley Cross in good faith and I was like hi I am influential there's nearly 10,000 people

in episode listening to this now yeah yeah at least half of those people are from the UK and because they're fans of me they're going to be alcoholics because my comedy

is only enjoyable if you're inebriated in some way so look it's Christmas coming up just buy everybody a cider as a gift there is

it's a fucking beautiful cider as well it is the best they've got a new one they've got a rum cask one that's just come out we finally got some of the elder a gift it's a fucking beautiful cider as well it is the best they've got a new one they've got a rum cask one that's just come out we've finally got some of the elderflower one

in this class I know this isn't the advert right but also they emailed us being like hey guys just here's some suggestions

about how we you can do more sales and I'm like that's not a fucking good cider so if you are buying it do us a favour and tag us in it

so we can share it on our platforms when you've got it so that we can share that as well and get it out there. Say like, thanks for the discount, Sloss and Humphreys on the road. The discount again is thisleysloss10 at thisleysloss10.co.uk. You'll get 10% off your order and the more you fucking buy, the bigger that discount will become in the future and the better we'll look. Bye.

Bye. Bye.