Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 1. Greatest or Best?

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

The USA tour begins, a Muggins and Cream eye view of the 'best' country in the world, starting with Austin, Texas and LA, California. Risking being pulled into the capitalist health care system by way of lime scooters and indulging in the local cuisine. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? God. Ha ha ha.

Is there a text in the middle of it? Is there a run for it? I just think we're starting a podcast. I'm pretty sure this one we can make it soon. No, we're starting a podcast right now. I'm going to do a different one at the start. At what point are we... You have to have a license to tell everybody who's reading.

I think it's... Don't let the chorus kick in, though. I think that's just when it gets especially illegal. You've had an absolute nightmare You've genuinely Congratulations isn't it You've just The worst introduction

We have ever had Without a fucking doubt It's subjective You are a moron Subjective You are a moron How am I That's right

I'll explain What I just witnessed happen You correct me If I'm wrong I'm going to Embellish all your name So you're playing You're playing

Born in the USA With Springsteen You're playing the song're playing Born in the USA with Springsteen you're playing the song for the intro to this which was a very annoying intro because it was just us talking over the top of the

well I was telling you that yeah but this is a new USA Tour podcast this is like a new season that doesn't change the laws of

so we're going to start we're going to start with a track every that doesn't change the copyright laws is what I'm saying yeah but I think if we talk

over the top of it it's fine but you that's based on just you guessing aye you've not you've not seen

a president's hip hop you just hope that's okay it's like a remix isn't it if you do it I'd do it even then for a remix

it's not you probably need permission for a remix also so what you're doing there is while we're talking over the top finally gets to the chorus the most illegal part

of the song and you decide to press pause on the song but you don't press pause on song, and you decide to press pause on the song. But you don't press pause on the song, do you? No, I press pause on the podcast and the song kept playing. Aye. And then, and not for a short period of time. We were just like off air.

Aye. Just fanning our own phones. For a minute. For a minute while you could not work out how to turn it. It was like watching someone pat their belly and rub their head at the same time. You know that? Yeah. Nice try.

Nice. If you can't see right now, he's slapping his. And they try. No. If you can't see right now, he's slapping his own cheeks. If. Trying. If. If. If.

Big if. Fucking win, isn't he? So what we're trying to say is that weed's illegal here. Yes. Legal. And we went to a place last night and we got some stuff.

Uh-huh. And it's really good. It is. We've just been buzzing about our little lime scooter. It's just tempting death. Because here really good. It is. I've just been buzzing about our little Lime Scooter. It's just tempting death. Because here's the thing about, here's the thing about America,

is it's absolutely categorically not by any stretch of the imagination the greatest country in the world. But it's the best. But it's the best. It's the best country in the world. It's not the greatest. It's not the greatest.

It's not. Like, it's the best. Like, when you're there, it's fucking two white blokes. It is... Hold on, what's that? I think it could be fucking... Is that someone trying to use a life scooter

without paying for it? Yeah, RTD 2000. You know how they light you up like a Christmas tree if you try to just do off with one? Mind you, we are in LA. It's just... Yeah, there's going to be ambient noise. There's going to be a lot of garbage trucks

considering that this city is fucking trash. But... I like this city. Do you? It's not the greatest city. No. But it's not the greatest city no but it's the best they're just really good

at stuff they are they know how to live and yes it's at the detriment of other people a lot of the time aye

it's it's it's the it's capitalism at it's finest but what like

right this is let's go through this this is a horrible this is a horrible situation to be in I mean it's not it's a good situation

to be in but it's horrible ethically when you think about it. We're loving LA because we're doing that, right? Capitalism. Aye. If you're doing terribly at capitalism, this sucks for you right now.

We'll go through where we've been. We were in Austin, Texas, which is great. First time there. Texas barbecue does not fuck around. Yeah. Texas which is great, first time there Texas BBQ does not fuck around yeah, we had this realisation of the Texas BBQ

so I went to one before Danny arrived told Danny about it, I was like, fucking gotta get you to one of these when you see the way they do a BBQ, we in the UK cannot call that a BBQ, what we do aye, we're never ever allowed to call fucking burning link sausages on a fucking shitty little girl and just in Hyde Park just burger

patties like we went in there wasn't a you go so you go to a Texan barbecue there isn't a burger pat patty like a like a meat patty inside no there's like halves of chicken there's racks of ribs there's like fucking rump steak there's like all kinds brisket brisket everything on this barbecue no sign of processed meat it's all straight from the butchers right and then we get home

we put a meat patty on and fucking burn the shit out of it happy barbecue it's the happy barbecue it's fucking mince I think it's the difference it's the difference

burgers made of mince mate it's the difference between BBQ and barbecue like what Texas does is BBQ and what we do in the UK is B-Tech BBQ.

B-Tech BBQ. Really fucking low-grade shit. Oh, but, tell you what they do fuck up.

Sweet tea's shite. Yeah, so they, you know, right, so we get this BBQ, we get my tray of meat and we say,

is everyone like, oh, where can you get a drink? And they're just like, oh, your fixings are there and it's all just free stuff that come with being there. They charge you for the food.

They charge you for the fucking mac and cheese. They charge you for all those little extras. And they're like, oh, by the way, there's a whole bunch of... There's beans. There's juice. There's all this stuff over there. You're like, how much is that? They're like, no, that's just...

Fixings. That's just for you. Also, by the way, you go up there and you're like, we've got free Wi-Fi. And you go, what's the password? And they're like... Why would we lock it? Why would we have a password what a horrible ordeal

to make everyone fucking randomly go through coming up the process of guessing no no just here's your fucking free wifi southern hospitality

it was really good so you're just there thinking oh no wonder this country's full of themselves because you're getting it right on a lot of things

like as individuals the fucking as individual cities as individual places and as individual people Americans are the best it's when they're in large groups and they form parties

that they fucking suck whenever there's an abundance of them and that is what they do they live in abundance but uh it's been great fun so far and it's going to be a long while before um i really hope the australian listeners are listening to this being like oh god we'd we'd show like an episode like this oh yeah yeah because we just went and slated australia i really like australia too we just um

we just took my day on it a couple of times mmm my standby everything we said you know you know all it is right like so I'm bombing around been like kicking about

on them lame scooters which are the best in the heat right you can you've got all this in Adelaide too this is the same type of fun

you can be having in Adelaide I think the one thing that stopped us like kicking off is the wifi has been good no I do also think like every like because it's because they've got such important tipping culture here kicking off as the Wi-Fi has been good? No, I do also think every...

Because they've got such important tipping culture here. Everyone's just friendly. First of all... It is nice. Americans in general are friendly people.

Right. Because... And I mean this in the nicest possible way. They're thick. Right? They're friendly in the same way dogs are.

In the same way an eight-year-old would run up and go, I'm eight. Yeah. Actually, I don't know if eight-year-olds do that. It's like five-year-olds in there. Yeah, but even then.

I'm from life. Man, I talk to every American like they are my neighbour's seven-year-old child. I'm like, hey, man, how you doing, huh? You had a good day? I'm an American. I know you are, buddy. Yeah, you are. Ruffle their hair.

Like that. Yeah. Because that's the level of energy they bring all the time. They're just like, what have you done today? I went on? Like that's, because that's the level of energy they bring all the time. They're just like, what have you done today? I went on the swings. Oh, cool, did you? Did you have fun?

He says, yes, good fun. And then they run away. That's the attitude they bring to him. It's so true. But it's not negative. It's not negative at all. It's great. Like, a guy dressed as a cowboy

held the lift off for us and went, come on in, partner. I'm not talking like a 40-year-old man. I'm talking like a young lad. He was 24. He was dressed as a cowboy. Ironically, he wasn't fancy dressed. He just liked these boots.

And also, he was probably an actual cowboy. Yeah. And he had a lady on his arm and he looked really proud. Or as he would call her, a box and wench. Come on in, partner. You're in the lift. Or elevator, by the way, because I realised when I was saying lift, lift's the name of an Uber company.

Oh, yeah, I hear you. So if you say I was getting in the lift, you're technically saying that someone's now getting in the Uber. Right. You're not painting the same picture it wasn't like there wasn't a dude

dressed as a cowboy and driving into the car you know I'm painting a very different picture that's another thing when you're doing

your show here do you have to replace much if you go through it for stuff like that elevator and lift. No, they didn't know what caravan was. Yeah, I saw you describing the trailer.

There's trailers over here that just don't have caravans. Yeah, like bin. Bin's the overhead locker on a plane to an American, right? Oh, it's the trash over here. Yeah, it's the trash can. So if you say,

oh, I'll put something in the bin, I just think you're putting it up above your seats. Aye. Well, it's the trash over here yeah it's the trash can so if you say oh I put something in the bin I just think you're putting it up above your seat aye well it's just because the Americans

just have to over explain everything like what's British is very what's that it's a pavement why was it made of it's made of pavement

that's what it is paving stones aye whereas in America they're like what's this it's like sidewalk

what you do there I gave you two guesses what's this it's a bin what's this it's a trash can oh it's like sidewalk what you do there I'll give you two guesses what's this it's a bin what's this it's a trash can oh it's a can for your trash

like they've just got to explain everything yeah is that better I don't know because caravan and caravan's super bad but the reason it's a trailer

is because it's trailer behind your car so caravan in the like in the old olden days would be like like a caravan would be like a long stretch of people that are travelling together with different wagons and stuff like that as part of the caravan.

So if you say we grind right up in Scotland with a caravan, do you think you had like a troop of people going up with them? Yes, I guarantee that's where most Americans go. Yeah, it's just like a travelling circus. They don't know what the rest of the world is I've explained this on the podcast so many times but the reason Americans believe in stereotypes is because stereotypes exist in America we were in Texas for less than 5 minutes and I saw a fucking cowboy

like it's just you also saw that Mexican guy that's in everything where they need a big Mexican guy Danny Trejo Danny Trejo Danny Trejo's in the same hotel I did not say

hello to him he is shorter than you'd expect is he aye but even if I had met him

I wouldn't have said that to him because I know how annoying that is you get it don't you aye you get it a lot

people go you look taller on stage you're like yeah that's how stages work like you still know this

when you're serious to them, you get dead insecure about it afterwards. I've got to make sure I wear BS stilts. He's bought a pair of orthopedic shoes. Aye.

Both. Both built up? Aye, but one's still larger than the other. I just like having that little... Little love side.

A little love side. You just like to bank left slightly when you're walking. It makes it easier safe attitude and turning left if I want to go right

I'm fucked yeah you have to get a big deep breath what should we do now I don't know should we go and smoke some weed I'm going to pause this

and smoke some weed before I get more high just a second do you want a cookie no I've had too many already I'm getting more high. Just a second. Do you want a cookie? No. I've had too many already. It's because this was a full tray of cookies before now. Hi, Santa's been.

Hi. Hi. I didn't want to start you, but I heard you come in. How did that even happen? We're recording a podcast. Well, look, the chimney's over there. And there's no footprints. Well, it's just my character

is still here. Well, obviously the reindeer didn't get it. That'd be bad. He's also not just... He's not mixing carrots with cookies. He makes his choice. Takes a lane. I think some houses he goes into, he's like, you know what,

do you reckon he does that just while he's at his slave, just as a one for you, one for me with fucking Rudolph, just picking the carrot between them? Aye. I reckon he starts eating it at one end of the carrot and Rudolph starts eating it at the other end of the carrot and they just gnaw down in the middle and kiss. Fwaa. I think occasionally what he does is he gets one of the carrots, right,

and he shoves it up his arse, right, but then takes it back out. Then he makes a snowman, uses his nose, and brings the snowman to life with the snowman. He's like, oh, yeah, this is... Oh, it stinks of shit! Kill me! This is awful! Oh, no! Spoiling Christmas movies

He's ruined a Christmas movie For us right there For everybody Anybody who watches The Snowman now Fucking happened Walking in the air This is

Minging Also are we some form of I'm sure that's Surely that's a level of muckery to bring up something Christmasy this early on there's a Christmas treat

in the bar I put it on my Instagram story you fucking played a Christmas song yesterday backstage well not yesterday on Sunday

that's Mark Nelson's fault yeah but then isn't it yeah because he made us an American playlist with all the songs that mention American

towns and cities no see I think you're actually no you're the songs that mention American towns and cities no see I think you're actually no you're the one that started I started the podcast I sent it to Mark playlist

yeah playlist I sent it to Mark and I said I've started this podcast is there anything essential you need to add you need to start about three times more

than what I had but here's where I don't believe you I believe that that's what happened but I think you're the one that had the Christmas song because I can't see Mark Nelson

would have been like that's a Christmas song he's got the Indiana Jones theme tune in there yeah but that's that's on brand for Mark Nelson I'm fine with that but you don't think

you put it in Fairy Tale of New York no I think that's something you would do I swear I didn't I swear I'm not lying to you I think you are man

I think I just think you're mistaken I'm not I to you I think you are man I just think you're mistaken I'm not I'm not you think it's like when you did that thing with the whipped cream where you over committed like denying something

here we go no no no so now you know what I feel like if you honestly are in the true true whipped cream you know how I feel right now

I'll be able to I'll be able to find out if you were the one that added it because it says who it was added by fuck so I can actually prove

aye now you can prove that I'm right oh and then if you're right I'll admit it I'll be the bigger man happily easily done right okay

I'm going to pause this oh and you're doing the podcast so we're on to it at the moment could we go to all these different places do you want to play some dates what are you doing you're meant to be coming back with a what happened there inconclusive So we're on tour at the moment. Could we go to all these different places and play some dates?

What are you doing? You're meant to be coming back with a... What happened there? Inconclusive. No. Inconclusive. Is this what you're saying? You're saying it was Mark Nelson that put him there?

No, I could have been anyone. It doesn't give you the time to say it. What, do you think I stole his phone? Ah, you must have. You know, I apologise to you, sonny. No, I'd rather not, actually. Oh, wow. That's okay. Right. Noted. you know I apologise to you son eh no I'd rather not actually oh wow that's ok

mate noted so in the future we'll go you're just going to not apologise to me I just like not thank you or something I'm going to have that

in my back pocket I'm getting sassy it's Thanksgiving on Friday anyway isn't itassy it's Thanksgiving on Friday anyway isn't it no it's 4th of July aye

Thanksgiving I corrected you there as if I knew when Thanksgiving was I think it's November yeah some name like Toonie at Christmas

to have you can't just double maybe you can double Christmas like this is the country that does double stuff they double maybe you can double Christmas like this is the country that does double stuff

they just went you know what Christmas is good let's have another one in November and they just went aye sound well there's no

presents at Thanksgiving is there no you just give thanks so it's the opposite of Christmas you're just giving thanks you're just saying

nice fucking things you know right you're just being but it's not gifts saying nice fucking things, you know. Right. You're just being... Oh, you're saying... But there's enough gifts though. You sit around and enjoy each other's company.

Oh, I think it's the same fucking meal. I've been to Thanksgiving once before. It was in Denver, Colorado. It's fucking great. The food is ridiculous. They do these... It's the most American meal you'll ever have in your life. So it's all like turkey, but they've got a mashed potato, sweet mashed potato, right?

And I'll give you five guesses as to what the topping is on top of sweet potato mash. Right, bacon. Worse. Worse than bacon. Right. I mean, I would say melted cheese, but that's not worse than bacon, right? So, like chocolate? Closer, but still worse.

Closer. Worse. You've got one more guess. Sweet potato mash with turkey. Yeah. but still worse custard worse you don't like mud cakes sweet potato mash with turkey yeah and like no the topping's

just on the sweet potato mash that's pretty with cream it's marshmallow oh my god how are they not all fat that's the thing

when you get to America you suddenly realise it's like because the food is you know that Texas that Texas barbecue I think is one of the best meats I've ever eaten. Oh yeah you know what he was dipping it into that big vat of like em kind of translucent orangey like burnt orange colour. So it was vinegar and hot sauce? It was vinegar and hot sauce and we're trying to guess what it was and I just think I think maybe dripping like animal fat but like in a season

which is such an American so we thought he was dipping it in a vat of fat to pull it out and put it on your plate right

but what's like it wasn't that no but what's meant about America is we didn't even question that we just went

nah of course and we're gonna have it when in Rome so aye they fucking know how to live aye they do good food I've been out for a run

every single morning even when you you must because I got up the night the night of your recording yes we recorded just to give everyone an update

we were talking about this I was doing my podcast I was doing my taping now in fucking Austin thanks to everyone who came out

to those tapings Austin was everything loads of podcast listeners afterwards I know that was really nice fucking losers it was

it was yeah it was fucking excellent then afterwards we got absolutely yeah whiskey drunk real real real whiskey drunk fucking excellent. Then afterwards we got absolutely... Yeah, whiskey drunk. Aye, real, real, real... Whiskey drunk. Real fucking hammered.

And we got given a thank you to everybody who brought us stocks and supplies as well. Aye, edibles and stuff. For the people coming to our Largo shows, you don't... Weed's legal in your state, so you don't really need to bring anything. It's just if it's, you know...

Yeah. We've actually put ourselves in a position of danger now because I don't like turning down gifts ever. But we're now at a point now where we get more weed than we can possibly ingest before we're flight. We get given so much weed that it goes illegal. It's lovely, but I'm like, yeah, we're going to get in trouble. Hi. So we got really, really smashed.

I was in a WhatsApp group chat in the morning. You must have woke up and looked at your phone and you went, what are you still doing awake? I sent you a picture of us on the treadmill. We went to bed at like half four and then at fucking nine, you're like, I've gone for a run. I'm just like, man, I get staying in shape.

Like, I fucking respect you for all we'll do at once. I'm like, be nice to yourself though. I just don't want to lose momentum. I'm getting up every morning and running if you're like oh we'll do it once i'm like like be nice to yourself though like you so just i just don't want to lose momentum i'm getting up every morning and running before we breakfast every morning i'd be that's it i just like i'm strict to myself when it comes to you know uh i've stopped by my nails this year i haven't smoked at all this year like i've made sure that regardless of how drunk i am i'll brush my teeth both in the morning. I love how good that would be if you went into a fucking recovery group. Right.

You're like, I've stopped biting my nails. I've been three months without a cigarette. Right. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Understand. I've also not given up drugs or booze. Such minor things, right? I've given up.

I'm strict about this stuff and I understand and I'm also doing the not going three days even if it's just a 10 or 15 minute workout yeah that's the thing don't go three days

without a workout that's a good thing to live by everybody at home start living by that but then again there's also like you've flown to

fucking Austin Texas it's especially we're doing a fucking record down there it goes fucking great and then the next day you're like aye time to punish myself again it's especially we're doing a fucking record down there it goes fucking great and then the next day you're like aye

time to punish myself again it's like give yourself a day off I'm addicted to gains nah I'll tell you why I'm really digging it

you love this why I'm really getting up and running every morning it's because Dave Longley gives me the advice to eat 4000 calories a day when I'm doing weights

and you'll get stronger and fucking sure enough I get stronger I'm flying through the weights and you get stronger. And fucking sure enough, I get stronger. I'm flying through the weights. I pick up the 40 kilo dumbbells. Right. Done like five fucking chest press with that. That lifts us up to about 150.

I'm getting way stronger. Right. Massive belly. Turns out if you eat 4,000 calories a day and don't pay attention where you're getting it from, you get a big fat belly. But Dave Long doesn't have a big fat belly,

does he? No, I think... Just a big fat cock. Yes, doesn't have a big fat belly does he just a big fat cock yeah so I think do you reckon that's where it all goes I think he's done playing a practical joke on us

I think he absolutely I think he mucked it right up he's like I just eat dregs whatever he was just saying I just eat the calories

and I'll have calories first and nutrition second if you want to make gains with strength I should tell you he was right but however man

it shows the small print we might run to the canch if I'm getting up running every morning I just think it's like if Natalie be real be fucking real right

imagine you go for a night out with Natalie as well. Both of you have gone out until like 4am. And then at 9am she goes, go for a jog. You'd hate her. You'd be seething.

You'd be like, that is... Like, honestly, that, like... Like, normally on other days, right, on a Monday or a fucking Tuesday morning, if you wake up at 7.30am and you go for a run, I'm like, that's my wife looking out for me fucking that's

good I don't sleep like that but I whiskey hangover she nudges and goes come for a run you'd knock her out

it's a tech move so why why on earth would you allow it to yourself like I'm a big believer in a you know

seize the day isn't it your brain should be your brain should be your mate right and that's that's what people with fucking depression

struggle with a lot of the time their brains are not their mate and that really annoys me because I really like my mate but I don't like my mate's brain because sometimes

if you've got a mate with depression their brain's been like you're a shit and I'm like well aye but not all the time but everyone really likes you and your brain's just in your head being a fucking absolute you're a loser you're shit and I'm like well aye but not all the time but everyone really

likes you and your brain's just in your head being a fucking absolute you're a loser you don't fit in I'm like

can I leave my mate alone where is your one your brain's going aye go for a jog I'm out hanging out with my mate

can I on holiday for a bit can I have one day off nah fatty nah fuck you your brain's a dick why fuck you your brain's a dick why you let your brain be a dick

you're meant to be happy I'm motivated why are you turning it around I just man there's a difference between motivation you gaslight yourself

nah I could have laid there and been like I feel sorry for myself I can't move I could be an absolute fucking legend going on the treadmill

plus two fucking eight kilometers just sweat it out I could just do that five times a week that I can't move out could be an absolute fucking legend going on the treadmill plus two fucking eight kilometres and just just sweat it out I could just do that five times what you're supposed to say you know where

I got it from the fucking work ethic from the film Ex Machina Ex Machina Aye that one Ex Machina I tell you

it's called Machina isn't it and what's Machina like like's how we spell machina, isn't it? And what's machina? Like Latin for machine. Female machines. You fucking moron. Machinistress.

That was another thing I was going to say to the podcast listeners while I remember. I definitely want to do at one point the podcast where we have my dad on and we both get high and just ask him stupid science questions are we going to ask him the same questions that we got wrong

no no I think no no what I mean by stupid science questions is like just because he's a very smart fucking person yeah but we've done

we've done this before where we got asked questions that were for your dad on the podcast and we answered them right but we didn't fact check anything we answered but what we could do is do like one with your dad on the podcast and we answered them right but we didn't fact check anything

we answered but what we could do is do like one with your dad where we're asking them same questions alright let's do that then

I mean I don't know how you want to get people to write in their questions for us and then my father on the web email address even mugginsandcream

at gmail.com alright so if you've got any fucking science the example I don't have my fucking phone on I think the example

I came up with I was thinking about last night and I was if you said if you've got any fucking science the example I don't have my fucking phone on I think the example I came up with I was thinking about last night I was like you know if you're on the moon right you weigh less

right like if like for you to get like a set of scales and you're on the moon right you stand on it you probably don't weigh

fucking 12 stone you weigh something like or would you do you weigh 7 stone on the moon like if you were to stand on the scales like is that

yeah like if you put set scales on the moon and Like if you were to stand on the scales? Like is that? Yeah, like if you put set scales on the moon and you stand on it, do the scales say seven stone? Yeah, because they'd be on like earth settings. Ah. They'd be on earth settings. No, I thought you were going to ask me a question. It would say like you're just like a few ounces or whatever.

Like you're just like as a feather because you're barely even getting close to the planet. So that's what I'm saying. So surely by that then you weigh more on Saturn, if you can stand on Saturn obviously you can't, or you weigh more on Mars because the gravity is different in all these sort of places. So therefore, does that not mean that, like in the same way that time's a construct, like we made it up because it's arbitrary. Weight is a construct.

Weight is literally a construct. Yeah, that's the question you're going to ask your dad. Yeah, well I'm like, because in my head I'm like, it seems so fucking, you know weight is literally a construct yeah that's the question you're going to ask me yeah well I'm like because in my head I'm like

it seems so fucking you know those obvious questions that seem so fucking obvious but makes you feel like an idiot like for example

if you were to go 60 miles an hour in a car for an hour would it be is it that accurate would you be literally 60 miles away

in that hour that's like a stupid question but I'm like how close to it like at the yeah what's the give yeah what's the give like how much fucking leeway is that if there is any at least 60 miles away in that hour. That's like a stupid question, but I'm like, how close to it? Like, I think, yeah. What's the give?

Yeah, what's the give? Like, how much fucking leeway is that, if there is any? Like a 5% fucking drop off either way. Do you weigh less than that? No, he has a little theory with that,

like, kind of, train of thought, is, you know, dinosaurs that used to roam the earth, if, I wonder if the gravity was less than so it was

easier for a bigger animal to form and evolve because there was like the weight of gravity isn't on it like i don't i don't i don't think like in low gravity you'll be able to get bigger animals but i don't um i know i don't think i think if you had like really high gravity you'd have like smaller condensed animals that started evolving. But how would their gravity have changed? Well just because the earth slowed down spinning or something like that. No, no, I don't think that's what it's down to. I think it's down to the mass of the object. See, my dad's screaming. Oh yeah, he's livid.

So do you think if the earth stopped turning, would Al just float off? No. Because if it spins, then it pulls you towards it. No, no, the spin throws you away. No, it's that centrifugal force, but not... No, I think it's mass, man. Wow. Is this like... Elliot's getting us back here, you know, the thick casts we do for Elliot.

Aye. Aye, we're coming across like, Oh, I've never claimed to be intelligent, I'm just going to be more intelligent than, you know, Elliot Steele,

that's it. Yeah, I have a bold claim. Aye. It's like, it's like whatever, it's like whatever fans come up and they're like,

we think you're so smart, and I'm like, oh, this is more about your level of intelligence than it does about mine. Like, like people think you're smart. Yeah,

yeah, I'm just like, I should never, I shouldn't be anyone's benchmark for fucking anything when it comes to intelligence. I'm thick as pig shit. I just occasionally know how to sound smart. I'm out of my depth in most conversations, but I've still got confidence. That comes with being stupid.

Don't mistake me for being self-aware now for me being smart. I'm one of the most confident people in the world. That's how stupid I am. I'm like, here we go. It does come with it. You always find the more you know, the more questions you have. Aye. The less you know, the less questions you have,

so you can think you're smarter. Aye. Ignorance is bliss. Uh-huh. Mind you, if that's the the case why does Elliot still have depression because he's lonely stupid lonely people get sad too

I don't think that hashtag's going to kick off stupid lonely people get sad too that'll be our first bit of merch stupid lonely people get sad too yeah it's a good t-shirt though isn't it yeah that'll be our first bit of merch

okay get that made Rob Gibb Robert Gibb who made my merch we've got we've got merch

I think it's on mugginsandcream.com I was going to say bye let us just google mugginsandcream.com and see if it's there you can actually

like he does these designs and puts them up and you can buy them and muggins and cream

dot com is not the right one when does your when does your wife get cross Wednesday yeah we'll see

what what's that nothing nothing nothing Wednesday yeah we'll see what what's that nothing nothing nothing is she not coming no Natalie gets here

on Wednesday and then we've got our friends Chris and Hannah right here and we've got all of 4th of July weekend off

yes which is what we were going to do before what are we going to do how are we going to celebrate them getting independent from us

should we try and slowly work back release of what grip I mean at this point we don't want it back I'm going to feel like an ex-boss turned up at an office party

like you don't own us anymore you know you're not charged I don't know what we're doing I think just getting very very very drunk I want to get high up right

like up like because I you know there's some good views of like the Vista of LA aye I think it would be good to be on like a rooftop bar somewhere high up

and watch the fireworks from like kind of I just because you it would be weird to see fireworks at high level yeah like looking down

on the city as the fireworks are going off aye fucking great views we should try and do that i think so i don't know if it's i'm going to assume like every single american uh holidays is just an excuse for them to get shivers because uh here's the thing i can't and i'm so sorry for repeat if i'm going to repeat myself from the nick cody podcast i was very very drunk and very very high and I can't and I'm so sorry if I repeat if I'm going to repeat myself from the Nick Cody podcast I was very very drunk and very very high

and I can't remember what I said on it but I think we're quite harsh as Americans you know we're like Americans can't drink Americans can't drink

like we're the rest of the world we can't they all men they can't because it's in the UK I know exactly how much it takes me to get

fucking drunk right because we've got measurements there so I'm like if somebody goes to me and good rock with three drinks I'm like you pick that seven double gin and tonics yeah yeah you know that you had 14 fucking yeah so for get 14 drinks I can I can easily do five double gin and

tonics or fucking tension and tonics and that's when I'll be quite well lubricated you walk into an American fucking bar what happens is you walk in the bartender right and I sit down go can I have a gin and tonic please and he's just fucking three pours I'm going to say very comfortably like a third

double what you get it's already a double compared to what it is in the UK that's his single pour puts the ice in squishes in the fucking tonic I don't understand

a tipping culture so he goes that'll be seven dollars and I'm like oh just keep the change for a ten he gets a $3 tip.

He's like, fucking, I like this guy. This kid's cool. He's getting more booze. Yeah, he's getting more booze. Next time he comes up,

he fucking pours double that one. So it's now literally half filled with gin. Two drinks in. Yeah. So this is now a triple or a quadruple. And I'm like, can I get some extra lime in here? He's like,

yeah, of course you can. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, ton, ton, ton.

I'm like, I'm going to have to. You're coming in as like, yeah, of course you can, but squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, tonic, tonic, tonic. I'm like, I'm going to have to... You're coming in as like a British proud drinker and going, I don't know if I can keep up with this pace.

And I'm like, that's the most booze I've ever seen. And he's like, $7 again. I'm like, $7, my arse, buddy. Here's another 10,

keep the change because this is already cheaper. So I'm just keeping... And this guy's like, I love this kid. He's a goddamn millionaire. He's tipping three a drink. Next time, it's just what he did. The like I love this kid he's a god damn millionaire he's tipping three a drink next time

it's just what he did the last the third time he does it you're getting fucking dentist chair on the bar aye man the whole time

but then we just put the third one it's all the way up to the top filled with fucking gin and then he just whispers the word tonic at the gin and this is my third drink and at this point

I'm tipping him to stop like I'm going giving him a thumbs up and he's like he loves me man and so you're three drinks in and you're almost blackout drunk

it's what Americans are like man I had like four drinks last night I was wasted Rico four drinks you fucking lightweight that is

man it's half a bottle of gin aye they put a stingy at the bars in England aye they probably said mind you maybe also the other England. Aye, the problem is stingy. Mind you, maybe also the other reason we think they're lightweight

is because they all get drunk off of, like, fucking beer Bud Light. Like that. The more I think about it, I don't really see that many Americans drinking gin and tonics. They're the same with JD and Coke. Yeah. Man, they're just... They do not give a shit about your insides.

Yeah, I think this is going to be a pretty boozy tour also it's because they don't have free healthcare so of course they're like kill yourself

here's as much booze as possible that's what we said about the lime scooters isn't it yeah it was an Uber driver who said

don't use the lime scooters because my wife works at the hospital in an accident in an emergency the amount of people that come in with fractures and stuff like that

there's loads and I'm like oh that would stop it being legal in the UK because healthcare has been drained

by these lame scooters but the fact that in America they're providing business and capital is fucking moving money around

people spending money on the healthcare and on insurance and all that shit they're like fuck put millions of them on the street it's making people spend

money. It's like they're using Be Ninja as a product that people buy. That's why guns are still legal. They're like, eh. If we take them away, how are they going to shoot each other? That's why they teach everybody that they should be circumcised

because you have to pay for the gun. You've got to pay. It's healthier, is it? Fucking funny. I do like it though. I think most of the things like this, that's what the American story seem to understand about the difference between greatest and best, right? The reason, the great part about, for me for the Scottish person one of the great things I like about Scotland is education is free University is opticians appointments too yeah I don't think they are in the UK

in England but yeah that's what I like I like the NHS the road things like about being British like that's a great thing about my country. But it's not the best thing about it. It's just a great thing about it. Whereas in America, there's all these things where the food is the best and the people are the best and the drinking's the best. That's where you're the best. But you don't tax the rich and you charge people to get shot.

Man, if you get shot by a gun somebody else pulls you get billed man if you get pregnant if you have a baby you have to go literally not can we afford a baby in the sense of can we afford a crib

can we afford to feed a baby can we afford to you know a can we afford uh to you know you know a fucking cot and all this sort of stuff in america can we afford a baby having it no you can't even you can't even afford your basic the one thing you're here to do there's one thing we're all on this planet to do technically right, right? From an old school animalistic, and that is to reproduce. And America was like, monetize it. Make it rain. Like, guys, come on.

We can all do it. Like, you're charging people. Madness. Greatest country in my arse. Best country. Best country. It's not the greatest. Best country. Absolutely the arse. Best country. Best country. It's not the greatest. Best country.

Absolutely the best country. The food, the women, the weather, the sights, the size. Amazing. Position of privilege. Best country in the world. Greatest. Eat my dying arsehole greatest. Fucking psychos.

You can't move when you're eating sugar oh you can't oh man it's so fucking good oh we were talking about fucking sweet tea that's what I wanted to bring it back to

yeah I don't know to the British people right and specifically English people I'm going to need you all to take a seat

if you don't know what sweet tea is okay because I I'm a coffee drinker I don't want to give a fuck about tea. Like, it's all right, but I would...

I'd never drink it. Yeah? Not for you? No, like, if I do, I'm like, that's fine. I would never go out of my way to drink it. Like, if you left one there, I might sip it. But I'm never fucking asking for one. But I thought, like, sweet tea, the way the text is talking about sweet tea,

that it would be like... A different leaf or something, like an actual... Different leaf. Yeah, like, you know, you get herbal teas. Like, I thought it would be like... A different leaf or something, like an actual... Different leaf. Yeah, like, you know, you get horrible teas. Like, I thought it would be like blueberry or strawberry or something like that. Or maybe...

I thought it would be just like a brand of something. Like, you know... I was just like, yeah. You know when you get your jasmine tea at the... Aye. I just, I don't know. I was expecting something like Lemonadia. I thought it was like a brand name.

I didn't realise it's literally, in the way all Americans think, they just explain it. It's sweet tea. It's tea that's gone cold. Yeah, but it was made with a lot of sugars. We're talking like... They started with fucking candy floss.

Like a diabetic level, like I'll have 10 sugars in my tea, please. Yeah, bare minimum tea. It's a 10-sugar tea. It's a 10-s sugar tea and it's cold but not it wasn't it wasn't chilled

it was just cold like as if you'd left it out you know when you've you've been paying attention to the fucking TV or something your coffee's been there longer than you think

you take a sip and it's just like oh shit I made that like two hours ago that's a cold it's a cold cup and it's just that

you're picking up the left out cup out of a really sweet tea and it's just that you're picking up the left out cuppa out of a really sweet tea and it's that's what they think tea is so they've got

what we what we say about the barbecue yeah yeah yeah we should stop we should stop like you know if you brought

your nana nana doing a cup of tea and then you brought her that sweet tea she'd be like what the fuck is this pish she'd knock you out

she'd absolutely if you went to fucking man if you gave the queen imagine imagine you gave the queen she would declare war uh huh

she'd be like you know what right and she'd lead the charge herself she's got all them swords on the wall she's getting like

it's it's horrific to call it tea it's I'm not even a tea drinker and I'm offended by the fact that I couldn't stop drinking it it was like a weird form of yeah you had to move it away didn't you like a self-harm thing you know what you say like getting a tattoo like yeah when you get a tattoo it hurts when it's happening as soon as the needle gets moved away you forget you forget how painful it was yeah so you got like

moments of pain moments of respite aye so like every time you hadn't drunk it you just forgot how just forgot how awful it was yeah just every time it was so you get like moments of pain moments of respite so like every time you hadn't drunk it you just forgot how awful it was yeah it was so true every time I'd finish sipping it it was so awful my brain repressed

the memory it was just because he's like I was like oh god oh god my brain was like that was awful let's never remember

that again and then I'm like oh sweet tea I'm like Oh sweet tea I'm like fucking Homer Simpson Oh Biscotti Oh Biscotti Oh Biscotti

That was your reference With the mac and cheese It was like Homer Simpson level hot Oh yeah Because of the Oh yeah With the jalapeno Jalapeno

Jalapeno Jalapeno mac and cheese Yeah Is that how you want to say it What Jalapeno? Jalapeno mac and cheese Is that how you want to say it? What? Jalapeno? Yeah, jalapeno You think it's called jalapeno? Yeah, jalapeno

It's a jalapeno Is it also pronounced Barthelona? Do you have your jalapenos on your fajitas? Yep, fajitas Okay Fajitas I'm not I'm not putting on the accent

guy that's cultural appropriation jalapeno no do you call jiminez jiminez do you call

Jennifer Henifer Lopez no are you just not going to comply just call her hello hello

do you call people who are called corbin just cockburn that's how you spell it that's how I'm saying it cockburn I'm not putting on the how you spell it that's what I'm saying Cockburn I'm not putting it

on the ice I think it's cultural appropriation do you eat with a canaphan fork eyes no that's British so that's fine

that's how you but no J's a J in it Jalapeno I'm sure I'm not Henifer Lopez I'm not Connor

Henifer Lopez that's not a name remember that day with Cool Todd got a little bit pissy and told everybody that his name's actually Cool Todd

could you call us by my correct name please that's not mug you know who actually meant to pronounce Jake Gyllenhaal's name who

Eulon Hull it's that's right mate oh so rude I'm going to answer this. No. Aye. You're very rude.

What are we talking about again? Well, it's why you don't take phone calls during the podcast. Oh, because you lose your flow and your momentum. Aye. I was just making arrangements to meet for lunch with friends.

Cool, aye. Probably could have done that after the podcast. With Chris Martin, actually. Aye. Oh, from Coldplay? Mm. Oh, him.

Must be nice so anyway now we've finished ticking us off right after you didn't apologise earlier then you come in with that attitude

well if you fucking pause again really slow I guess I have to have a couple more respect for our fans than you do you stopped for a

spliff oh here we go outfits never forget right should we just agree or disagree I think it's alright I'll put that in

the corner once remember that when we were friends I agree to disagree it's just not having any fucking conviction in it or anything I'm sure there's

something I want to put in my corner this isn't good content me not remembering something I do this to you a lot don't I he has no news

yeah here's no news it's just here's the information about my day that nobody goes to shit but I'm hungry how do I well

this is going to be a long two hours we've been here for three days sometimes you're just a parakeet on coke saying the words that you've overheard

it's my limb feels like a Tuesday oh it's raining what is it it's really close isn't it it could do with the rain it could do with a good close

close like you know it's close it's humid no I've never heard that you've never heard close no like it feels like the weather's close to it I've never heard that never heard it close no like it feels like the weather's close to it

I've never heard that in my life oh no this is another one that my mum just made up isn't it oh yeah Linda

fucking men are good do you not think that's a good word for it though nah close for when it's like muggy muggy's a good word for it but close is the same thing

muggy's good too I'm close I mean I guess but no you know I hear it when people are like it it's fresh, you know, it's just not very warm. Where are you? You hear it in all of these other words. It's fresh out, isn't it?

No. No, it's not? Never, no. Fuck, wait, are you just doing that how to describe brother? I always forget. It's like you've never ever spoke about brother in your life. I always forget that you grew up in Fridal Rock. I spoke about with her in the live today

I always forget that you grew up in Fraggle Rock I just forget you grew up in oh proper

fucking fairy tale part of the world but not in the good fairy tale way not like castles and princesses like fucking just real demons

fucking was that or just regular David Bowie's labyrinth just animated little worms hello governor that or just regular David Bowie's Labyrinth just animated little worms hello governor that's all you

know that is it's fresh when it's cool and it's close when it's muggy you did call it muggy didn't you I call it muggy

aye you've got drich drich you've got to roll the R and the K aye

K safe drich it's like an ultimate magum word no that's not magum scouse aye scouse the R and the K K C Driech it's like an ultimate Magum word that no that's not Magum

Scouse Driech it's good Dur you've got to get that good rolling R I just

remembered something because I was wiping the bat out of the cave just now a little booger Danny caught us

doing sound check for the show and passed us like a hanky because you've got a bat in the cave and passed us like a little

bat in the cave means you've got a bogey in your nose you've got a bogey in your nose a bat in the cave and he handed us like a sachet

like paper towel now opening it was parmesan cheese so like you come up and you prank us with a guess you had to be there

what? guess you had to be there have you enjoyed? no it's just another segment of the podcast when you practice with her. Mm-hmm. Guess you had to be there. What? Guess you had to be there. Have you enjoyed? No. It's just another segment of you in the podcast just explaining an in-joke that wasn't even brought up.

I do that a lot. That was pretty annoying. Sometimes I'm like, that time I wasn't aware I was doing it. I was just freely doing it. Sometimes I do it like aware. Sometimes you just commit yourself into it I was just freely doing it sometimes I do it like aware sometimes you just

commit yourself until you're like well I guess they have to know that and nobody pressures you I just don't like people feeling left out yeah but I think

it doesn't necessarily make them feel included it just bores them it would be like me telling Piggy like every time I've had a wank she's like

alright I'm like okay alright oh I just thought she's not just the way you feel it was over you though

she's like alright that would be hot the other way around aye she'd just come out the bathroom like just

play with herself do you think it's just because men are disgusting do you think it's just Because men are disgusting Do you think it is just Because men are disgusting Aye Because like

Your picture is just something Like actually quite sacred When they're dating Sacred Like you know Just like One leg up Biting a lip

Throwing it and all that Like grabbing a tit Just like Just playing the One woman air guitar Absolutely Frisking herself For her keys

very much important just get some gentle music on like meditation and that I like it I don't know Taz will you're pitching something glorious

when you come out you're like I just had a wank you've just been fucking pulling the face in the mirror fucking grunting trying to flex while you're doing it just had a wank you've just been fucking pulling the face in the mirror fucking grunting trying to flex

while you're doing it toothbrush up my arse fucking big spine arch as you hunched away around the cock just without even wondering hunched over

like a half transformed werewolf like the moon come out but then a cloud passed across it mid transformation and you just come out

and just put that image in our head getting fucking gross thanks is it is the women the women wank is just more graceful

maybe it's not though well maybe the women wank is not but no it's graceful even if it was like Hors de la Cronie it would still be hot

I think they must they must go hell for leather sometimes it depends what type of lady you are because I've read look there's also

there's probably guys out there who have dainty wanks like this is you know in the same way that like we imagine it's because we go out

with you know girls that are hot so so whenever we picture this is you know in the same way that like we imagine it's because we go out with you know girls that are hot so so whenever we picture them wanking of course it's fucking graceful

but there are some beasts out there man there are some beasts that are going to get themselves off in the same way that fucking bears use trees

to scratch their backs like there are some some women out there they just find a bedpost they fucking sit on it scratch their backs like there's some there's some women out there they just find a bedpost they fucking

sit on it good on them good on them I fucking whatever guess you want in the same way that you know there's some

dainty little men who fucking light candles for their wanks they've got incense going making special

they do a bit of Barry White on I remember telling me Richard that he runs the gigs

the the Alps the scheme gigs I told him like I just shoot it through the toilet usually just

shoot it through the toilet and they add him in if I didn't and he just looked at it and was like have some self love

he's like treat yourself self love he's like treat yourself he can just pan and do the toilet so that's a man that clearly like makes a bit more of a special occasion

right squeezes his own tits spanks his own ass you know what why not fucking hell make a nice treat of it like people

everyone wanks in different ways and there's no there's no right way there is there is wrong ways mine's all business

mine I just get a job done most of the time mine's just to stop me doing murders I just want to start thinking straight just get these

gay thoughts out a bit like you know fucking like Einstein for instance I bet like you know fucking like Einstein for instance I bet he used to just jack off loads just so he could

get stuff done aye just because he couldn't stop first thing in the morning just bashing him so he can spend

the rest of the day doing math aye just being productive way more productive aye just clearing clearing the

clearing the airways yeah some girls are mad when their boyfriend's dead husband's dead no then again I think they're rare them girls but they do exist

yeah but there'll be there's also be husbands that think they're you know there's a bit of people that think that thinks wanking's wrong and

it's weird that isn't it I it's fucking necessary to take a cup of coffee and they're also paying up and you're like I don't know I it's fucking necessary to take a cup of coffee and they're also pent up

and you're like I know what you all need like it's like the people who are most against marijuana are the ones

that need marijuana in the same way that those all these ones with their fucking pent up fucking sexual

frustration being like you know can't do this can't do that I'm like man have a wank

go on come on have a wank go on like you know can't do this can't do that I'm like man can I have a wank go on come on have a wank go on like you know extremist groups and all that probably be less extreme

just have a wank just have a wank alright Isis have a wank just can't look just go and pull yourself in the bathroom alright Isis

rein it in come back have a wank take the sack off that journalist's head alright have a wank well no put it back on

don't make him watch don't make him watch wait ISIS whoa wow that's really look I don't want to I don't know

ISIS I didn't come here to tell you off I didn't want to tell you how to wank they can have a coaching in the end but there's also

some etiquette alright I'm going to plug two dates oh yeah aye our ones yes

so this is just Americans right just Americans oh but hold on Japan Hong Kong

and Singapore we're coming to you Gan come see us do shows Russia also coming to you Italy Spain see us do shows Russia also coming to you Italy

Spain all these other places are being added international fucking comedian the most international comedian in the world

is me so yeah if I'm not where you are it's your fault okay 10th of July San Francisco

11th of July Phoenix Francisco 11th of July Phoenix, Arizona 12th San Diego 13th Boulder, Colorado July 14th Salt Lake City Salt Lake City, Utah and then all the other dates are on DanielSloss.com

we'll be more focused out before then also I think July 3rd at Largo is not sold out yet apparently which is quite frankly rude LA so sort that out

you fucking cunts and em yeah alright I'm doing the same one so same plug alright just that

just what he said right ready for your dad I am ready for him oh well hold on I'm already ready for my dad your dad learned how to play the world's smallest violin I am ready for... I'm not well. Hold on. I'm nearly ready for me dad.

Your dad learned how to play the world's smallest violin for your grandad's funeral. Your dad splattered a squirrel to the tree with a tennis racket. Your dad uses one of them spoons that people with Parkinson's use, but he uses it so that he can eat soup while wanking. Keep himself steady. Your dad was born beachbody ready. Weren't we all, actually? Your dad finds people in wheelchairs

and then ties their shoelaces together and then is really confused about how they're still able to roll around. really confused about how they're still able to roll around your dad your dad

played Russian roulette with a bloke who had Down syndrome and he doesn't even lose sleep over it your dad

spits directly up in the air and then has a hand sat on it to see if he can try and catch it in his own arsehole

your dad your dad your dad is first prize at the raffle and I've bought all the tickets your dad hits his kid so he can kiss

the boo-boos better don't I know it your dad starts passionately snogging his own arm during sex your dad sends death threats

to the cast of Blue Peter Where's my badge? Your dad thought he was expected to freestyle against his ex in a custody battle Your dad slid into

my girlfriend's DMs asking for my number Your dad has a second set of eyelids that blink vertically they all blink vertically

horizontal that's a horizontal and you've got like vertical eyelids would be the ones that have vertical

middle vertically give me the kids I guess your dad ask him your dad. That's him. Your dad gives his agent Roman numerals.

Your dad wears knee-high boots when he rides on the back of my motorcycle. Your dad's shite, mate. All right. Fucking hell. We've been we've done over 10,000 dad jokes that one hurt hey

I'm just reading what's written down here your dad stopped putting increasingly bigger discs in his bottom lip because he read an article about

cultural appropriation your dad puts anal beads up his arse and then slips discs in his bottom lip because he read an article about cultural appropriation. Your dad puts anal beads up his arse and then sleeps face down, ass up and will only wake up in the morning if you start him like a lawnmower. Your dad sucks his own finger seductively whenever he's being told off. Works every time.

And when people start going, stop sucking your finger it just doubles down alright night night