Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 10 Denver: Foot Centrist

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

After traveling through California, Oregon and Washington State, the boys arrive in Colorado for a day off and a slightly later than usual Monday podcast which covers LA agents and fetishes.

good podcast eveningers thank you so much for subscribing to patreon if you have that's why you get this episode early we are always grateful for how many of you subscribe because it gives us money and we like money and sometimes we put that money into the podcast uh and i mean i think you even yourselves would have to admit that in the past six months it has been a bit more professional there has been higher quality sound

there has been better quality videos alright we're moving high to consistency that's been coming out we are getting better I get it it's still not the greatest quality

but we're building there it's a slow process and you've been there since the beginning so what the fuck are you complaining about really in today's episode we speak about oh god LA and my It's a slow process and you've been there since the beginning. So what the fuck are you complaining about really? In today's episode, we speak about, oh God, LA and my wonderful agents out there. And we also speak about... Foot fetishes. Oh, I perked around the intro.

Foot fetishes, if that's your your thing then I'm coming after you again because I do think you're all dirty nonsense well not nonsense but you know you know what I mean foot nonsense

Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and Cream creaming muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles

tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles.

Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Do you want to start the podcast? Go for it. Do you want to start the podcast?

Go for it. We're going to bust in with that kind of chemistry. No, I know. Well, if that was the question, no, I don't want to start the podcast. We have been. It's late. Are you going to have a complaining start? No.

No. How's that me complaining? I thought your complaining would have been late in the day. No, the podcast is fucking late. Jesus, it was me coming out with an apology Do you want to start again With a different fucking attitude Instead of jumping down my fucking throat

When I'm apologising on our behalf I'm sorry I thought you were going a different angle with it And I pre-empted it Podcast is late Because we've had a busy week So we've got a day off in Denver So you're getting a podcast on our day off

So there you go That's why it's late and your mum and dad are here that's cool upstairs that's really nice because it's

the same hotel as well it looks a bit the camera angle I've got doesn't do the hotel much justice but you've got a themed room what was that like?

no no no you've got you've got the exact same themed room as we do the floors are themed. No, not the physical floors, you stupid. I was fucking looking at the carpet. We've got that on camera.

I was staring at the carpet, looking for what theme the carpet is, and I'm like, it's themed after me and Anna's curtains. No, your floor is based on TV shows. Our floor is a horror floor. And what that means is they've just got pictures of the twins from The Shining. Home Alone.

I'm having a fucking nightmare starting this podcast. By the way, I just want to thank Pam Shipman, Lena Guzman, who's the same person, for giving us edibles that actually do exactly what you said on the dosage. Aye, aye. Because normally when people give us edibles, we're always grateful, let that be said. But people go, oh, be careful. These ones are particularly strong.

Maybe have half. And then I end up taking three. And you're like, okay, so what's happening here? She was like, with this cookie, just take half, because they're very, very strong. And you'd heard it all before. And I was like, I'm not doing this shit again, man. I'm not doing this.

I'm so bored. I'm about to get on a flight. All right, a long one, too. A three-hour one thing. And it was fucking delayed as well, and we knew that coming in. I was like, I'll have a fucking full one. And it was good. There was a point when I was like, I wasn't worried, but there was a point where I was like, if have a fucking full one and it was good there was a point when I was like

I wasn't worried but there was a point where I was like if it doesn't stop soon I'm going to have to tell Cara like I'm just going to have to be like

look I'm going to have to sleep this off on the plane so can you just make sure keep an eye on us I'll be alright but just keep an eye on us

you thought I had getting so high that I delayed the plane 45 minutes no because we were

stuck around because I said I said because you got in eventually you got on your we were fucking trying to board the plane

and we were just in the fucking corridor that gets you onto the plane before you're even there doors there and then

you're meant to turn right and this is just when no American person knows how to get on a plane properly

with any level of speed they're all surprised when they get to their seats like oh shit I should have a bunch of

things in my bag now and they'll stand there and they'll look at the busy flight which they'll

physically be in the way of the traffic everybody waiting they'll be like why do these planes take so long you're in the way you'll be in the way of the traffic everybody waiting everybody they'll be like why is it why do these planes take so long

you're in the way you should be you'll be on your leg behind them with a book in your hand a switch in your hand whatever and you'll have

everything you need to sit down you can just bung your bag and sit down and they they wouldn't see that as a beneficial

thing for the world so you'd you'd gone onto the flight early because we were priority boarding but I was on the phone to fucking Marlena.

So we're waiting to get on the plane and just around the corner and we're stuck there for literally 10 minutes. I'm like, I've got my right foot on the plane, my left foot's on it. Why have I been stuck here? So this is a somebody problem. So I'm like, somebody is doing a real bad,

and I'm watching the staff do nothing about it either. So I'm getting raging at this point. And I'm like, one person should be dead. You and Ellie are going to be on an episode of Nick Cody and Luke Heggie's mid-flight brawl. I'm like one person should be dead you and Ellie you and Ellie gonna be on an episode of Nick Cody and Luke Heggie's mid-flight brawl

I'm like I'm like this is like if you and also not only does that person need to be dead if you're a staff working on this plane right now

the fact that you've not dealt with that the fact that you've not killed this person means you're also fired right you should be going up beside whoever that is

doing whatever they're doing doing that thing for them and then choking them out and just throwing them out a window. That's what you should be doing. And it finally gets fucking through, and it's literally 10 minutes. Get in, sit down, and you turn around,

and you're like, I'm having a whitey. And I'm like, if that was you, I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day. You really thought it was? What I meant by I'm having a whitey was I couldn't stop laughing at a picture of Kat as Hitler that Gareth Waugh sent. Or like what,

really fucking old cat in James? It just, that's like a black spot on its lip and its hair was like dying in a particular way. It looked like Hitler

and I couldn't stop laughing at it. What shit, what shit pun would a shit comedian come out with if they were going to caption that? You know how whenever

you're in like a group or something like that or you see that posted on Facebook and you're like, oh God, who engages with that sort of crap to caption that you know how whenever you're in like a group or you see that posted on Facebook and you're like oh god who engages with that sort of crap and then you see

somebody has engaged with that crap and you go some like pun that doesn't work like concentration cats like a pun that doesn't work

a clunk yeah very concentration cats is exactly what they would do oh I'd love to name the comedians who would do this

we'll do that on Patreon comedians would never pay for another comedian's Patreon that's all Patreon says comedians talking behind each other's backs knowing that they don't listen to each other's Patreon I don't have the courage to say this shit publicly and I trust my fanbase not to love ranting about some fucking cunts, I've kept my lips

tight on some other ones but are you literally the reaction you had to me saying I'm having a white with my little laughing fit I was having you thought I had to let not because they didn't just they weren't just slowing down the plane they ended up breaking the

they tried to push the bin lid thing I'm calling it a bin that's bad that I've just called you over headlock or a bin because that's what they call it in America I mean is what I said sidewalk oh I don't Americanisms a bin that's bad that I've just called the overhead locker a bin because that's what the car looked like in America I sometimes get called

on that because people go you said trunk and I'm like I'm

sorry am I globally travelled my mistake whoopsie daisy sorry

let me just speak through my nose does it not go

in your box with driving an automatic car you know when you put me in that box

for putting a bit of water and we go off we cool it down and you're like that's in a box with an automatic car that is like

and don't get me wrong what about is it in the same box as like going in the cubicle to piss even though there's plenty of urinals

yeah it's just look you're allowed to do it and there's legally nothing wrong with it it's just a little bit soft it's a little bit just look you're allowed to do it and there's and there's legally nothing wrong with it it's just a little bit soft

it's a little bit soft I think picking up Americanisms is in that box I think no no I think picking up I think doing it here

just to be understood you kind of take it home picking up accents like anyone that goes to America for two years and comes back with an American accent

and I'm also bad for this because I pick up fucking Judaism so look I'm fucking you haven't picked up pick up fucking Judaism. So, look, I'm fucking... You haven't picked up that much considering how much intense company you are. No, but also, like, I've not...

With the Americanisms, if it slips into conversation... I don't say sidewalk regularly. I don't say drug regularly. If it slips out of my mouth, I'll not have... I'll not accept the assassination of my character. What about if you

if the game was going to penalties and what about if PKs PKs fucking ripped my passport ripped my passport out of my hand fucking four eye don't let me back on the fucking plane shoot me in the fucking head that would be the kindest

American thing you could do to me shoot me in the fucking head if I ever called it PK American thing you could do to me what about shoot me in the fucking head if I ever called it PKs that's like that's fucking death penalty for me

I'm gone I've sold out it doesn't mean anything you're gonna need to just like fuck off somewhere and start selling

scuba gear on a beach where nobody knows you you're gonna have to just restart completely black land

what if what if you said defence oh no well what if you said defence oh no well what if you were like

talking to someone in England about football and you went Chelsea you've got a better defence

er do you apologise immediately after defence well because the only thing

that's throwing in contention for me is defence is also or defence is you use it in D&D D&D

if I use defence what way I use it that would be a cruel way to condition you into saying it it sounded like you got it into saying it through sport

aye but because I've watched a thousand hours of Americans playing Dungeons and Dragons and I've heard them say roll a defence check defence check

there's no defence check but I know there is so maybe they put you know defence isn't on if you put the S on the end of off sides it's

fucking get it done time to go also with the putting hot water putting cold water into hot coffee I'm on the side of that

I want it on right I think you should be allowed to do that and you are allowed to do that I'm just telling you of that I want it on right I think you should be allowed to do that and you are allowed to do that I'm just telling you there's a type of man out there

there's a type of man out there who isn't okay with that type of behaviour and sometimes I look up to those men and base my behaviour accordingly

so you know this is because I saw you said i'm like all right well i'm glad you've got you're comfortable enough to do that i'm just telling you this we've got friends who if you did it in their company it's very a girlfriend has yet that has picked your dog behavior it's very that it's very i'm i'm i'm comfortable you know my own sexuality which is good this is all a positive everything everywhere my mother's a good thing it's just all very that though you know one thing that's in that category that i wouldn't i would

never get into the realm of is you know how you ever go to someone's house and then the toilet seat won't stay up and it's just a struggle to pee because you've got to hold the toilet seat up and a man lives there so that means that man has just given up on trying to get the toilet that man sits down to pee. No. He doesn't, in his own house, every day, several times a day, hold the toilet seat up and not go, I've got to fucking sort this toilet seat.

That man sits down to piss. No, I think he just aims. He's just given up. He probably doesn't get a bit of time away from the kids. He sits on Twitter. He aims. I don't. You think he's about to aim or do you think he wipes the seat?

Or maybe he flicks up with his feet aye or maybe he's just not asked about doing it and he just maybe he stands up with his like fucking foot on it

like a rock star having it on the the mic yeah that's way cooler aye that man wouldn't put water on his coffee aye

and look there's nothing wrong with look I've got my I've got my feet very thoroughly in that car do you know how far do you know how far drive an electric car right aye aye Look, there's nothing wrong with... Look, I've got my feet very thoroughly in that car.

Do you know how far... Drive an electric car, right? I... Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons. That's in that realm. Do you think so? Yeah, man.

Of course it is. Yeah, when you look at how Mark Nelson... Yeah, if you're comfortably anything else other than stereotypical, man, it's soft. And I don't agree with it. Aye. But it is true. Aye, some people will think you're a metrosexual

if you do these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And look, I'm thoroughly on the side of people that do those things in spite of those other people. But I would be lying if I were to say... I like that some people... ...that's a teenage part of me some people live in

like a mild discomfort so not to come across a particular way absolutely they would like wait an extra couple of minutes to sip their coffee some people

won't order ice cream some people I bet there's people out there there are men that are so toxic I bet they don't let themselves have ice cream

they're just like can't do it can't be seen to have it I don't like it I'll have maybe oh god what's a boring ice cream these men don't let themselves have ice cream they're just like can't do it can't be seen to have it I don't like it I'll have maybe oh god what's a boring ice cream these men don't hug

ah those ones the ones who don't know what to do hands up there the father's never said I love you oh I was on the phone to me grandad

with the one that he's got it's not dementia but it's like short term memory loss which is basically just the same thing

at this point and he's at the's not dementia but it's like short term memory loss which is basically just the same thing at this point and he's at the end of the conversation I was like I said alright bye grandpa

I love you and he was just like oh you too you too and I genuinely couldn't remember if he is of the generation

where he doesn't say I love you because I know my in fact my gran's definitely said it

I think they've almost definitely said it but my grandad on that side is that type of man we're talking about this is my grandad

one of my favourite moments in my history with him was years ago I was about 19 or 20 was to get in some fucking shitey comedian of the year award

in Scotland brought my grandad along to the ceremony my mum was there and we were sat beside two gay lads right and my grandad got on with them my mum was there and uh we're supposed to gay lads right and my granddad's gone with them just so well that they were they were making them laugh

proper like east end galveston gays right just funny like quick bitchy but like nice and yeah and you love that vibe i'd love to really go with it and then later on like i was like oh he was like those two lads great great, great company. Who were they? I said, I've never met them before, but we mentioned they were a couple. He was like, they were a couple. And you could see him change. No, no, no, but not in an angry way.

But sort of taken aback by it. And I caught it and I was like, does that make you uncomfortable, Grandpa? He's like, no, no, it's just it wasn't about back in my day. Have you seen the film Pride? About the pits and perverts the benefits they put on for the minors

the gay community and the minors in Wales kind of joined forces and it's all about that generation of men coming to terms with it and some of them didn't

and like it's it's all based on a true story and that it's class what's it called Pride Pride 2015 film

it's really fucking good who's in it you know what that guy from Dead Man's Shoes What's it called? Pride Pride 2015 film? It's really fucking good Who's in it? You know what? That guy from Dead Man's Shoes Oh aye He's good Someone, Considine Paddy

Paddy Considine No, that's the fucking Appetine Defender Oh man Is it not? Fucking hell I'm sure Wait, what was my point

I was making before you Oh, about your grandad Sorry, about your grandad Coming to terms with the guys that were gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're asking if he was okay with it. And he starts telling this story, which he thinks is unrelated. He had like six brothers, or he was the youngest of seven, I think he was. And they were like real poverty back in his school yeah back and back in the day proper poverty and uh so i wasn't

doing poverty where he didn't even have electricity sometimes oh yeah so like and so and they only ever got like one christmas present between them yeah yeah i don't know i love a call in a tangerine poverty yeah and like on christmas day both the parents dickens would be working and so because the parents were working him and his brothers would go over the road to the the neighbours and it was just two old women who would like make them you know Christmas dinner and look after them all day and like they'd get a little

individual like chocolates or presents and stuff and this would happen like once or twice I think it was my mum that was just like two old women live together and he was like yeah yeah yeah Just cross the road And she was like It's everyone She was like

No no And there was just This crystallising moment He was like Oh my god I'm like right It was around back then Just people were scared

Like it's always been there It was just There was a time When people were Uncomfortable Or I guess Fucking Didn't even

Admit it Look at us Two straight men Talking about Just in a room even admit it. Look at us, two straight men talking about. Just in a room together with a camera on. Look at us, just guessing what it's like to be gay. Just guessing. Speculate. Reckon it's fucking spec. Just speculating.

Could have a gay guy on the podcast, could ask him. Nah, I'm not comfortable with him. This is exactly why we should have another podcast so we don't go down those horrible easy routes but then again if Reece Nicholson was here I would say all of that to his face

and I also think it would just be it would be like a Louis Theroux documentary interview and I'm going to take the big years if there's nothing

else going on in his life it's still the number one thing like it's legal in all the places we've been in so far it's not a big deal

it's different stuff beating on when we've been in so far it's not a big deal it's different stuff beating on a bullet when we're talking about just really really trying to hammer it'd be like doing like

it'd be like doing really like deep atheist material now like which I guess I was aware like man alright get a new

angle this isn't edgy anymore so you're gay and eh speaking of when San Francisco the other day. I went for a run.

That didn't happen. Oh, yes. I went, I got in the Uber. This has nothing to do with gays, by the way. It's not. I literally fucking crowbarred out of it. Right, right.

No, no, I'm fine. I just don't want people to be listening to this story and be like, why can't I stop running in San Francisco? Was he chasing a gay? Was he being chased by a gay? Was he trying to outrun his thoughts? Was there a big march

and he couldn't get around them? So I got a, I got a new bed at the Golden Gate Bridge after I'd been on stage because I thought like, I've been going back to the hotel and using the treadmill

and all that, but I thought, right, I'm in quite an iconic place and I've actually ran over the bridge before on one of the um computer screens that are on the treadmills in the gym oh you know when you do the virtual run yes um so i was like i'm gonna do that in real life i'll take a box i haven't done much tourism stuff recently it's just been like hotel gig rinse repeat airport um so i got a new butt of the bridge and it was like 20 bucks or something we're five mile away maybe it's like three four mile away and i am i get the fucking bridge get

the uber back up at the gate and it's locked the bridge is locked oh also on the fucking cars as well no no the cars could still go and just the people bit sadly wait right so so what you're trying to say is you were scared no i'm saying it's um the lock the gate you kind of get on like it's it's a through pass with like a

fucking heavily armed gate to stop people getting on and killing themselves all right but you could but no you want us

to get on the road in theory just like fucking something i've planned on the apes just bounding our other traffic

in that all right well the tops of the cars bonnet to bonnet all right down the middle just hope nobody's overtaken

Who's overtaken on a bridge? Surely nobody But I was going Because he was speculating Why it might be shut Because I was like Does it shut? And he was like

Oh it might be because It was once a mountain lion Got across At night Because it's all that Forest land over there, isn't it? That's the San Francisco version of a dingo ate my baby. And San Francisco also has dingoes as well.

It's like dingoes always come across the bridge and stuff. Not dingoes, what do you call them? Coyotes? Oh, there you go. Same thing, aren't they? Wild dogs. It blows my mind that you've got this big iconic bridge, right? And obviously people keep throwing themselves off of it to kill themselves

because of the battle with depression. The battle with mental health, America's just not going to help them with one fucking bit. Yeah, never has. Never will. America will just be like, are you homeless with mental health issues? Can you...

Oh, Grant, you'll just die of something at some point. Exposure, exposure. I'll probably sort this problem out for us go to a hotter place get really dehydrated and then wander into traffic we'll clean up your body

come on it's the United States of America of course we'll pick up your dead body a few people will step over you before they realise that you're not just sleeping but we're not going to do anything

to help you enough like so they'll just so clearly there's an epidemic of suicide and their way of there's an epidemic of suicide And their way of dealing with this epidemic of suicide

Is to go Oh god right We gotta make this harder Try and take the methods off them Aye Not Not like Let's get to the bottom of this

Aye Not like You know Here's a legal way to kill yourself Which is Let's stop it way early on the process At the end of the actual action Here's always been my plan

For people that want to Kill themselves right That's why it should be government Allowed You walk in You go way early on the process at the end of the actual action here's always been my plan for people that want to kill themselves right that's why it should be government allowed you walk in you go I would like to kill myself

and they're like great yeah we'll lock you in for a date six months down the line you pick the date after this date

six months down the line you pick any one of those that's the date we'll kill you not only that however you want to do it name it we'll get it done

back at the bullet in the back of the head you want to be eaten by lions you want to be torn apart by gorillas you want to do it name it we'll get it done back at the bullet in the back of the head you want to be eaten by lions you want to be torn apart by gorillas you want to be sent into space like next time one of those rich

motherfucking billionaires will stick it on the side and say we'll do it strap it to the side but the deal is for the next six months you do have to go to therapy

three times a week aye for two hours a day and it's the cruel the cruelest part of it is you can't change your mind you've gotta value your life but no but man if you do that every day the two two hours of therapy three times a week for the entire thing at the end of that six months if you still want to kill yourself man we'll do it you know what we'll televise it sign it away and you know

we'll donate your body to science it'll be good for everyone if you still want to go we'll do it in any way you want even if you want to go a boring way if you want science it'll be good for everyone if you still want to go we'll do it in any way you want even if you want to go a boring way if you want to be a bit soft about it if you want to just the hardest bit for these

homeless guys with mental health issues it's fucking expensive to get therapy how are they fucking meant to do it there's no option well no and also

I was about to say therapy is the last of the concern but that's not true but it's also just in a list of like because when you get the people I'm talking about I don't know if you can get them on the couch that's a bit more like because when you get to LA when you there's also when the people I'm talking about I don't know if you can

get them on the couch that's a bit more asylum level when you look at you need to observe them through glass that's the difference between the American

homeless and the British homeless I've found which is that the British homeless they can tell you their story they tell you their story

they're you know down on their luck or they're you know they're down on their luck Things that haven't gone well They've lost battles They haven't given up Asking for change

Refreshing eye or whatever Some of the homeless in LA They're not even like Begging anymore They're just whacking Or making their noise They're just wandering around Like fucking GTA characters

Just absolutely insane And it's in every state There's no state in this country So Keep that in mind as well Right I fucking I get to the gate And it's closed I said to There's no state in this country So keep that in mind as well I get to the gate and it's closed I said to the guy Because we're trying to debate whether I'd be up or not

The Google wasn't very helpful I get sort of it The Google? Google wasn't very helpful The Google? Is that what I said? You're picking up on the tiniest little things aren't you? What am I?

When an ageing man starts calling it the Google. Fair point well made. If indeed I did say it, it has been recorded, so there is a way to find out. That's not what I meant. Okay, go ahead. He said he was going to wait. He's like, I'll wait here,

because it's a little bit off the beaten track. Imagine you're going to run over the fourth road bridge. It's just a lot like that. You're fucking laying into traffic and that and you need real pavements to walk on. He said he was going to wait for us and then I fucking get back. Doing the cunt was gone.

He just did one immediately. I was like, oh, fuck it. I'll just see how far away. Like I said, it was over three, four miles. That's about what it was going to be to run back and forward anyway and get the Uber. I'll just run back. As I mentioned,

it's all like four lanes of traffic with no sidewalk. I decided I would run through the park. That's the only place there's footpaths. And I got about half a kilometre out of the park before I realised, I mean, I'd realised it, but I realised I couldn't deal with it,

that there was no light at all. It wasn't lit by fucking, and it was about two and a half kilometres. I switching between miles and kilometers yeah just to confuse people um i i was nowhere i was gonna run for what would that have been even if i was running a quite fast like like 10 12 minutes right i'm not doing that i was too too scared. Talking about mountain lions, talking about coyotes, knowing fine well what the homeless problem's like in California. And I was half a fucking kilometer to this park

with another two to Ghan and I went, I'm Ghan back. It was one of them moments in my life where I'm running Ghan. Aye, this is a shite this. Why are you doing this? I know it is such an old, well, it's not an old thing, but it's a very reused thing and I

can't remember the name of the person who originally came up with it so I can't credit them but the comment America is just a third world country in a Gucci belt is so unbelievable. That's great. The more you travel this country you're like oh yeah you're just, it's all a front.

It's not all a front but it's just so poverty-stricken. L.A.'s veneers on rotten teeth. Aye, aye, it's mad. What was I going to say? There's going to be an earthquake there at some point. Oh, that's what I was going to say. The billionaires getting richer through lockdown and all that, right?

Well, people that have gotten out, they've got less opportunity to make money, right? All we've seen is just, like, imagine fucking America has a pool of money, you've just seen it all shift that way, and you can not just see how fat their pockets are, but fucking how empty theirs are. And to suggest just taking a bit off the end

and putting it at the bottom, to work its way back up to the top, to suggest that is like a suggestion communism. I think trickle-down comics will work one of these days. Just you wait, it's going to come down in floods now. Why wouldn't it? It's going to burst. At one point, they're going to have too much money.

At one point, they're going to have so much money and they're just going to start spending it. And they're going to spend it on all the stuff that we make. They couldn't go ahead and make every one. Are ye of a little faith? What else have we been saying? Well, I asked Cara to give us a list of things that had happened. It does feel like it's been a bit of info the last few days.

Aye. Oh, so we were in... The first show we did was in Los Angeles afterwards and obviously LA is Hollywood and we got to play at the Orpheum

which is a huge it felt like a big gig it felt like the big theatre gig it had that feel to it you know yeah they're definitely bigger venues

it was like a decent guest list and all that yeah there's definitely bigger venues in LA but that was like one of the it's a really well established and such it's just a fucking beautiful and cool venue list and all that. Yeah, there's definitely bigger venues in LA but that was like one of the, I mean

it's a really well established and such as just a beautiful and cool venue. Yeah, full of friends. Ah, I swear we're having a little after party afterwards and I really like Rachel Rush, my CAA agent. She's been with me since I was about 19 and I owe many of my successes in America to her and her constant praise and support I like CAA as a whole, I think they're a very good agency, we've had our differences in the past

occasionally butt heads but we're out here, we get to live this life they're the reason we're in America, they're very very good at what they do. Yeah, and they're a huge agency, aren't they? Like, office block full of people. Oh, yeah, more than an office block, yeah. Like, it's...

Like, different offices. Like, Justin Bieber and Brad Pitt. Oh, yeah, okay, right, so, yeah, they manage right at the top. Yeah, like, the biggest, one of the biggest agencies in the entire world. They sent some of their interns to watch the show, and it's something that agencies just do for their clients. Just like, oh, we're going to send them out.

So, hey, we're here, we're supporting you. Look, we came to see the thing. And Rachel was there because Rachel wanted to be there because Rachel is... She was watching a client. And Rachel was at my first ever gig in America and my second ever gig in America my third and my fourth

and she was there for my first Conan all the way through to my tenth Conan she's been there for everything of course she wants to come and see me these other interns

they've just picked a wheel selected four random interns be like right you're gonna go you're not being paid it was so funny you're not being paid

here's the payment you get free shit you're gonna have a VIP experience backstage and there's artists that you do free shit you're going to have a VIP experience backstage and there's artists that you do not give a shit about yeah

they sent like little baby LA agents little tiny little spawns of LA agents yeah very brand new like little Bambi agents

but they were all doing agenty things they were doing you know what they've seen agents do it was really cute

okay we're gonna network we're gonna go and do so Rachel's out in the audience one of them started like complimenting us on me clothes and that and I was like

I just throw on what I throw on me and he was there schmoozing us he was practising schmoozing on us yeah he's got really

really nice eyebrows and you're like man okay you're trying new things this is not you know hey what l. This is not, you know. Hey, what luscious earlobes you have, Mr Humphries. I've been dead cynical. And then I come off stage after the gig, right?

My agent's not there. Why is my agent not there? Because she's in the audience. She was watching the show. I come back and all three four baby agents are still there who had not

watched the show in front of me and Cara no they'd been speaking to just enjoying the freebie and again

I don't congratulate any of this I've done it they're enjoying the backstage experience it was one of

the perks of being an agent it's the whole thing it's just very funny to watch be part of come backstage they start telling me how good

the gig was immediately and for me i'm used to this i've been i've been coming to hollywood for like six seven years now but cara and you were just like but none of this is real and they're like man loved it thought you were so good thought you were so funny and you're just like you weren't there at one of the points and they're just very very drunk I was still looking at my mirror please throw me threads at this point Rachel comes in

starts giving me all my compliments and you know getting very emotional and all proud and stuff and I sit back down we're talking and then just the guy

next one of the baby ones steaming turns around and goes so how was that gig for you holistically he had an audience

as well there was so many people backstage and it was like it was a lulling conversation and you just went you fucking

what you went what the fuck was that you fucking tossed you tossed strips out of him

I was just like I don't know I think he said what the fuck does that mean and Chris Martin lost his mic him I was just like I don't know I think he said what the fuck does that mean and Chris Martin lost his mic so he was just over

but what how is that gig for you oh this is my genre go fuck yourself realistically it was a fucking it was a cup of soup

for the soul really filled up my cup oh god what was the other one oh that was the one I overheard there was the one before.

There was like an older lass that was with them that was saying, never date a comedian. And then one of the younger lasses went, oh, no, I'd never date a comedian, never. Think about it all the time, though. All the time. Constantly just going,

oh, that's forbidden fruit. Somebody desperate for attention. Oh, I wish I had that in my life. Like, I do wonder, like, because I was saying to Cara as well, like, because she didn't, she wasn't the biggest fan of just, like, the blatant lying to my face that was going on.

Aye, no. Not for me, that either, but I find it funny. Aye, I find it funny as well. And they weren't nice enough, man. They were just trying to be what they thought they were. It's all the same, man. It's fucking LA. They're all playing the same game.

It just, it's, you know, it is what it is. First time I was doing my solo show down in Santa Monica right, I won't mention my name right but it's Jack Whitehall's agent who is in the same agency as I am, friends with my agent. So I'm doing a show to like 60, 70 people this is years and years and years ago. I'm doing a show to like 60, 70 people this is years and years and years ago I'm doing Dark and like physically at the back of the room

I watch him walk in I've told this story to the podcast before I watch him walk in like just as I'm talking about when Josie died and I walk him argue with the doorman

make his way around the back and then sit down by Rachel and then like I finish the set in literally 8 minutes because that's how much of the show's left

go off and he's the first person out to be like man what a show from start to finish and I'm like motherfucker I saw you

tell me one of my jokes but I respect it but I respect it so I'm just like man you're gonna look me dead in the eyes dead in the eyes and be like

I'm gonna fucking I'm so full of shit and confidence nobody's gonna question it I'm so full of shit and confidence nobody's gonna question it I can get through this and even if he does realise and what

and what what's gonna happen on them you're saying I'm a fired fuck off grow up I respect it

in so many ways you couldn't be that though no me way I could pedal that. No, but we have smooth. I am a fan of bullshit with confidence and be a bit of a blagger,

but that level of like just the audacity. Oh, I've done it when drunk. And I don't like, I wouldn't mean to, but the next day I was like, oh God, I was a bit fucking. I am, I'm trying to think of times where I've blagged and it's all just really fucking ethical stuff. Like trying to get into a nightclub and the doorman wouldn't let us in

because I was too drunk and then I completed a Rubik's Cube and got in even though I still was too drunk. That's the level of blagging I'm willing to do. We've managed to get in the other day with a photo of me ID just because we tacked it up a little bit and just had a bit of confidence about it. I'm clearly to do is like try it like we've managed to get the other day with a photo of me ID just because we tacked it up a little bit

and just had a bit of confidence about where I'm clearly not fucking 21 which is like I can't like that level of blagging but not straight up bullshit

in people's faces aye but you know Hollywood LA like it's just it's the it's just par for the course

aye it's what happens there speaking of par for the course. Aye, it's what happens there. Speaking of par for the course, I'm going to crowbar just everything in. We've been playing Mario Golf on the Switch. It's highly addictive. What a game.

Aye, it's very good. What a game. I was gutted when you were told we were doing this podcast. Because you wanted to play it? Aye. We're playing it on the flight now. It's just a bit too high, I think, off that cookie. And also it we're playing on the flight and I was just a bit too high I think

off that cookie and also we're getting to the harder levels like I played it for several hours so I got not the knack of it

but the ball you knew how much of the wind put on the ball and I know the sort of tactic and also as a as an actually professional goal for myself

I just brought some of my real life knowledge into into the game and I feel like that helps me you keep shouting feet at Mario professional goal for myself. I just brought some of my real life knowledge into the game. You keep shouting feet at Mario when his feet are wrong.

Like feet. I kept it during when we were playing in Topgolf. It was like you were practising being a dad. Get his feet wrong.

Feet. Feet. Neil. Neil. Feet. Feet. Feet. All the way back. All the way back. That's. Feet. Neil. Neil. Feet. Feet. Feet. All the way back.

Should we just keep saying feet until it's not a word? Aye. Feet. Keep saying feet until they get a fetish. I've got a bit of a foot fetish stalker,

you know. Not stalker, just a nice dude. Dude? I think so. It's called Feety McFeet. How am I meant to tell? Maybe this is going to be a bit sexist

But it does feel like more of a guy fetish You know what? There's some things posted Like if you now have just me feet Or an Instagram story out like that Just because like I didn't have any slippers on Because you're just posting up

You're posting pictures of me feet They're like They'll screen cap it Right? So that they've got the feet thing But then they'll put a picture Of us looking buff Like

I've put like a photo Of us like in white tie With six pack and all that And they'll thing but then they'll put a picture of us looking buff like I've put like a photo of us like in white tie with six pack and all that and they'll get that and they'll cut and paste the picture of me feet like look at this guy now look at his feet

get that down here and somebody's got tagging that sort of stuff surely if that's your fetish you can just make up people's feet you can just bring in a picture

of Idris Elba and be like this is Idris Elba's very white feet I was literally the only person feckle toes who knew me and McFeety McFeet

were the only people that knew that it was legitimate aye it's one of those ones I think we've spoken about it before but don't trust the free fetch guys it's not that I don't trust

right but like they're on the cusp of not trusting like put it this way. If anyone... Is it like having cold water in your coffee? No, no, it's worse than that.

It's more sinister. Yeah, yeah. Like none of the other ones had sinister connotations. No, no, all those things were just soft. Liking fate isn't soft. For me, there's just something like when you start getting to those levels of like... Put it this way if you were to murder someone or sexually assault someone

or in fact even just like theft, arson, any crime whatsoever, even minor crimes and they had you on the news and one of the things they said was local fetishist whatever does this I would go no way I feel like it's got to be on a

serial killer checklist aye yes 100% Tarantino's got a foot fetish that's that mind aye so not

I'm sure there are perfectly normal people out there but that's not how you're coming across you need a rebrand like you need a rebrand

on your kink I need you to explain it to me in fact and I don't want you to because I bet it's for gross reasons I bet you it's because

something to do with like imagine it's a much bigger community than you think and you've just literally offended like it's huge it's a huge community a lot of people

might be a bit underground with it because they know how it sometimes looks like I'm super pleased that boobs isn't seen as a fetish or a kink because like

imagine you are that sick fuck who like tits what the milk comes out of the baby stuff don't get me wrong I'm not I'm not disgusted by feet I hate people that are

disgusted by feet as well to them I'm also like oh grow up like would you you know people that go see feet and they're like you're like no let's not

like everyone's you've got them how's that possible what are showers like what are you staring at the fucking bath people are disgusted by your trotters

aye no just on the opposite end of that we had spectrum yeah I'm a centrist I'm a foot centrist foot centrist

foot centrist foot centrist got a name for a podcast aye and look and I think maybe it does come my bias comes from the fact that I think more it does come my bias comes

from the fact that I think more men are foot fetishists so it's just there's something creepy about it as well like

you're just getting turned on all the time are you I'm turned on by the bits that are away are you a little bit jealous of it

that you're like no yours are away nah I think that's where it comes from do you want a team free the nipple no I a team free the nipple no I own a team

free the nipple but but like that would be out all the time and then you'd just be a bit foot fetishy I would you know what

like I would like free the nipple I would definitely look up like boobs it would take us a fucking while to readjust if people were whacking

their boobs out all the time on a hot day I'd be like fucking traffic would slow down I'd be like fucking traffic would slow down I'd be fucking over my neck

it takes a little while to just go and just play it cool so yeah if I haven't got the mouth for your benefit if you can free the nipple

it would be you and me awkwardly looking at our feet so we're not looking at other people's tits and then people who've got feet fetishes awkwardly looking

at women's tits so we don't stare at other people's feet you can just yell who've got feet fetishes awkwardly looking at women's tits so we don't stare at other people's feet you can just tell who's who because we're all staring at the one thing we don't want

imagine blowjobs were like fetishy and like seen as sick yeah you want to put it in her mouth that's fucking gross where I

where she keeps her teeth well no but I get that that's why Like Man see if any woman Is like

I don't want to swallow cum Deep I'm like Obviously I get it I get it I totally get it If my cum touches me

That's my whole day Fucking ruined Ruined Right I'll go for a shower It's a shame But I get it Aye

Like I wish I wish it tasted lovely but the part of it said mate it's like come on aye but come on though aye

there's no way I could like strong arm into it I remember shagging a girl that's harassment I remember shagging a girl the third play too she was like

I will absolutely swallow your load if you swallow your load and I'm like negotiations are over I'd be fucking out already have one dribbling through my chin mate

oh no no do you want us to do another one good measure do you have to do is it one for one or is that just like you're in there

I would honestly if it was one in one in your in I'd honestly neck a load just to fucking get an irate sweet

sweet name or mess guess I'm coming on test for the rest of my fucking life you finished sex with it you have nowhere to clean up nowhere to clean up they're not pregnant

they don't need condoms nah be fucking perfect high straight through the hatch I'd put salt around the rim have a lick of margarita nah

put a fucking little umbrella in it splash one on my face now what was that did that unlock that one what other fetishes need to go to jail what's the weirdest one you've ever encountered

the weirdest fetish I've encountered I had that not really I haven't even been with anybody that likes strangling and that not that I haven't even been with anybody that like strangling and that

not that I've tried it on with them they might like strangling they might just not brought it up I've had a lot of I've never choked anyone never been choked

don't want to be choked no I dig it I didn't have like doesn't even think it doesn't crop up in my mind as something that I lean towards no

also I don't want to I think it's because like it for me because it gives you a little bit high because it stops the blood going in your head

I'm like that is just the sexual equivalent of fucking pain sniffing for me like it's you know it's paupers

it's you know it's just lack of oxygen is that what it's it's that it's nothing to do with the pain well no some of it

well I guess it depends from person to person but for some of the people it's about what they think I've never watched porn to deal with it, to deal with like, S name and Dom.

No. No, I've never spat on anyone, not during sex. But at the football. Aye, just at the kissing stage. Eh,

what you been eating? Fucking licorice chewing gum, who eats that? That's soft. Sobbing chewing gum who eats that that's soft strawberry chewing gum that's what are in the coffee isn't it nothing wrong with it but there are men in the world that if you were to offer them strawberry

Neil Loughlin is a chewing gum and I got a cinnamon eye alright okay I'm glad you're comfortable with it I know for that comment

I would have kept them nice and warm in my pocket wouldn't I I'd be going after the cubicle to put one of

them in my room it'd be open hey it's a clever conference I'm jealous I wouldn't

have the balls to walk around like this. He fucking makes us laugh so much, man. He cheers us me coffee every morning, man. Oh, Neil. He really cheers us me coffee. I said, dude, at first I thought it was a bit odd. He was like, cheers me coffee now, five weeks in. I'm fucking waiting for it.

There you go. He looked at me. He never joined for breakfast. He never joined for breakfast he never joined for breakfast and I was like oh he's about to cheers Danny's coffee here I could see it on the phone

just sat down got the coffee just dropped his bag and all that he's going to cheers Danny here he's going to say first hand in the wild and then you held up

his cup like that and you just went not a coffee like I reserve my cheers I'm an alcoholic it's foot alcohol that's what I thought I've never seen it done my cheers I'm an alcoholic it's for alcohol that's what I thought I've never seen it

done this way I'm just not I also like to put it this way I get annoyed see when you're out drinking and everyone goes into cheers and the one person

that's driving puts in their water you're like get the fuck off go on no way it's not this isn't for you

what are you celebrating you shouldn't even be standing up for it sit down oh by the way you're allowed to fully It's not, this isn't for you. What are you celebrating? You shouldn't even be standing up. Sit down. Oh, by the way, you're allowed to fully give me that buce in return in November, December, January, et cetera, et cetera, when I'm not drinking. When you're not drinking and you're trying to join in all the Christmas cheer.

Aye, aye. Aye. Mightn't let myself want on Christmas, but. A port. Would you waste your one drink On a port though No It'd be like wasting your one It'd be like wasting your last meal

On a bounty Aye That's your sin On Weight Watchers Oh Worst way What do you reckon would be the worst Last meal

Erm Foo Cereal Bowl of cereal That would be tragic what do you want no milk raised crispies

no sugar just a weighty mix aye aye no sugar like what are you watching you're weighed before you die you're good in the chair like

get sugar no no I just didn't want it if I don't if I don't weigh enough maybe the rope won't snap my neck I'm trying to lose

desperately trying to lose desperately trying to lose weight before I get hung tomorrow that's how you skimmed is it maybe if I'm skimmy

the skinny fucking squirrel missed me your neck will snap crackle and pop fuck

you to the ends of the earth you rat bastards that's what the podcast is Daniel we've discussed this to the ends of the earth. You rat bastards. That's what the podcast is, Daniel.

We'll discuss this. Those nuggets of gold in this dream of shit. That's actually a very good little joke. You didn't know you made one of the Denver basketball teams called the Denver Nuggets. Is it? I knew that.

A little nugget of information for you there. Thanks, mate. Do you like American sport? I would, if I lived in America, I knew that yeah little nugget of information for you there thanks mate aye do you like American sport I would if I lived in America I would 100%

be both be into the NBA and the NFL and then as time went on it was only man I'm getting older I feel myself

getting into golf again I can feel myself I watched the Olympics earlier this year like I'll start watching tennis I can feel myself just becoming the Olympics earlier this year like I'll start watching tennis I can feel myself just becoming

just an older person that watches Fishing? Do you reckon you'll pick up fishing? I wish I liked fish You wouldn't date like Rouge

he hates fish he's out every fucking night fishingly I tell him he hates them he doesn't want to eat them

he just wants to kill them Kill them and throw them back in He does He does Snap that neck Snap that neck or just wants to kill them kill them and throw them back in he does he does snap that neck

snap that neck he just he just fishes and puts them back fucking fill the chase fill the sport there you go no that would just be silly

that's I hate to sound like a I hate to sound like a fucking bleeding heart liberal here but what does that do to the psyche of a fish I hate to sound like a fucking bleeding heart liberal here but what does that do to the psyche of a fish? forget about it in seven seconds is that true though?

how can you tell? that's something I've known as a fact all my life that's not like modern technology that discovered the seven second fish memory that was in the 90s that so people do know now man i was watching a documentary the other day they know that baby birds dream right when they're learning the their mating calls they learn their song from their dad and they know this because they put like

whatever the the nodes on their brains while they're awake and whenever they're singing the song or trying to replicate it, it triggers these parts of the brain. And then when they're sleeping, the same parts are triggered, which means, but sort of roughly in the same way, that's their brain remembering it,

slowly remembering it. How do they get their fucking sensor pads on, their brain and that, and link them up with the HCG machine and then just be like, oh, you could steal it to me and call now the bird's got to be stressed to fuck

you're tampering with it science is so much smarter than we are man like it's so far ahead like what they're able to do hold on hold on science is smarter

than we are aye me and you Muggins and Cream the science guys aye look I know this is going to be

difficult for people to hear and for any of you that have been coming to us for all of our information for years hate to hate to devastate you I have been coming to us for all of our information for years hate to devastate you I'd love it if we were where you get your info man

I am where some people get their fucking info oh no that's not the most terrifying thing you've ever heard in your life we speculate the operation of the universe with no education with no education we're talking about the bit of his brain's lighting up

what was the thing what were you saying oh you know fish is fucking fish is having a seven second memory like a grandad they definitely have

maybe we should go throw him in throw him back in the water that's my favourite ever Lee Mack joke which was I went to visit my gran the other day I said how's grandpa getting on in the old folks's my favourite ever Lee Mack joke which is I went to visit my gran the other day

I said how's grandpa getting on in the old folks home she goes oh he's like a fish out of water oh what he's not enjoying it no he's dead

such a good joke cracking oh god my voice cracked when I said cracking aye where can I go and hang out

with your mother hang out with your mother. Hang out with your mother. Sorry, Freudian slip. Freudian slip. We're going to go see. My mum and dad have come out to Denver, Colorado because they've got some friends out here and we just have to be here at the same time.

Well, they definitely timed it. It's kind of exciting now because the last week of the tour, if folks are here, Piggy's here, we're going to go on for a little fucking road trip through Texas. Yeah. Through all of Texas.

This last bit's good. This is, we've done the hard part now. Tomorrow. This is your blowout because you're going to, you're going to stop boozing next week.

Yeah. So we'll have a couple of biggins. Aye, we will. I had a biggin last night. You did? I went out on the lash last night. Just went to some dive bar and propped the bar up and just kept the margaritas and beers coming. I had a long day and... When did you go, when did you stop? I can't even remember, I don't know how I got back, I didn't set an alarm,

woke up with my shoes on, fucking never gone. Did you participate in any of the coke going on in the bathroom? Nah, I went out in the bathroom and these lads tried to keep it, because it was like, this is initially what happened, right? We asked the hotel, is there anywhere open? There's a hotel bar. We just wanted to have one pint, right? Like, we went straight to the venue to do soundcheck from the airport, so we were just checking in at, like, 11 at night or whatever after the gig.

So just like, ah, it's been a long day. Let's have a pint, even though we've been drinking backstage all night. We just fucking tanned a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of wine. Let's just have a pint to even though we'd been drinking backstage all night. We'd just fucking tied a bottle of whiskey in a bottle of wine. Let's just have a pint of unwind after all that drinking. And they were like, there's a barcade just two blocks up, right? And we walked through it

and fuck me, man, it was so young. And they would have been 21 because they were getting ID'd, but it was like uni freshers queues to get in and all that. I was like, I'm not doing that. But on the way,

we were doing this bar where there was just some people sat outside, went in, and it was just a proper dive bar. Like, you know, just hardened locals. None of them were tourists. None of them were students. There was people playing pool and all that.

It felt like a fight could break out at any minute and anyone would stop drinking. And I went to go out into the toilet and someone tried to stop the actual door of the toilet, not the cubicle door for the pisser, the actual door. And I was like, no, he he was like come back in a minute i was like mate i didn't give a fuck if he's a dain coke man just let's have a piss and then just i went in and they were just dain coke like not even in the cubicle just in the fucking toilet i went and had a piss got any hair no i didn't know i couldn't be that fucking guy man like i mean i have been before

with cigarettes on a regular basis but just fucking trying to chip in with people I'm like yeah I fancy it anyway, getting a bit long on the tooth throat now but I would have just got a fucking lever there

What was the masks Tony? When I got up to go out to the toilet I just saw one of the staff working around like collecting glasses, I was like do I have to got up to go out to the toilet I just saw one of the staff white and run like clicking glasses I was like do I have to wear this to go out to the bathroom and I like got my mask

and he just goes look at that I'm just fucking eating it Arizona baby I'm starting to go south I'm sorry this podcast was late

I'm sorry it's a shorter one but it's our fucking day off and we've got a booking in 15 minutes oh sweet not doing dad jokes we'll do some on Thursday

we'll do because we'll give you our weekly dad jokes on the Patreon alright thanks for tuning in guys tell a friend