Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 2 St Louis: Balboa‘s Bagpipes

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

After an incredible week of gigs Cream finds himself on a chaise longe in St. Louis revealing to Muggins that it’s actually rare to lie down like this in therapy, and more of a cliche. The boys recap their week of shows and tourism, Cream doesn’t see the fuss about Rocky and rails on the theme tune until he hears it done in his native bagpipes.   

here is your monday podcast this is the one from saint louis it's the second episode of the u.s tour if you listen to this on like itunes or spotify or any of the free channels episode one's on patreon so you're gonna have to chip in with everybody else if you want to listen to every episode of the u.s tour thank you everybody on patreon who's kept doing business so far you've been fucking amazing you've really pushed us. And we're nearly on 500 subscribers. We're so close. I keep refreshing it and I'll be very happy if we reach that milestone. It's a big one.

So thank you for helping us get there. If you don't know this already, I mean you probably do. We're also on YouTube now with every Monday episode and some of the Thursday ones. This one included. So if you want to watch this on YouTube just keep checking back on Patreon or keep checking back on YouTube and it'll be posted as soon as Brett's turned it around he's been pretty rapid with it so it might already be out now as you're listening to this enjoy the podcast it's a good one and I'll see you all again on Thursday

from another awesome US city Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and Cream creaming muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles

tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rim job

in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Here we are. I feel like I'm in therapy.

You look like you're in therapy. Even though I've never actually, this part of therapy I've never actually done. I've never lain on a couch. Do you not lay on a couch? No. In therapy? Nah.

Like I think that's like... Is this just a cliche? Yeah. In therapy? Nah. Like I think that's like Is this just a cliche? Yeah. Yeah I don't think I mean I don't anyone I know a bunch of people that have gone to therapy

Bless me. and none of them lied out during it. I imagine like maybe like that step That's such a weird myth. No no

it probably started from truth. Like that's probably like how they used to like do it back in, I don't know, fucking Freud's day or whatever. Yeah, if you listen on the audio, which is mostly here,

Danny's on a chaise longue. Aye. Because we have fancy hotels these days. It's a chaise lounge. It's a chaise lounge. I'm on a chaise lounge. We're in America. We do not put any effort

into foreign words or other people's accents so I'm on a chess lounge yes in St. Louis St. Louis St. Louis I think in every single promo video I did for St. Louis I kept calling it St. Louis because that's how Louis is spelled and it's not how Louis is spelled even though I know it's St. Louis I kept calling it St. Louis because that's how Louis is spelled and it's not how Louis is spelled even though I know it's St. Louis that's still

it's not St. Louis it's not how Louis is spelled but listen well you know this episode's now illegal right Light it up and take a breath That's it to me man You can find me In St. Louis rolling on dubs Well, you know this episode's now illegal, right? No, I did less than 15 seconds. Is that the law?

I don't know, probably. Right, so why would you bring it out? Did you just pull an arbitrary number and law out of your ass? No. That was less than 15 seconds. Or is that a rule? Oh, I hope so. Yeah, I just heard

I heard on another podcast that played music that's that's way less than 15 seconds I'm sure I'm sure it was actually Danny Mac's damn Daniel podcast

I was listening to aww aww yeah lawyer Danny Mac and he was going through all of the which check out that podcast by the way it's fucking amazing

he was going through all of the mint tracks that come out in 2001 which there are fucking many good year for music. Bad year for buildings. And I think he said we went over 50. Unless you were a jealous building.

Aye. Unless I. Unless you were one of the ones that were, like, slightly shorter. Yeah. And now you're just closer to being the tallest by two. Look, there's a really mean part of, I suppose there's a really mean part of 9-11. Most of 9-11 was mean.

Most of it. But the real villains. No, but like, you know, the real heroes were the fire engine and the police officers and the medics and all those people. And the real villains were the terrorists. And then there was like minor heroes

who were the people that volunteered, giving out water. And so there's also minor villains and i think the smallest villain in 9-11 is those in the buildings nearby that went oh we get a better view the ones that got like a bit of a silver lining they were like do you know we can see the rockefeller building here now i've never seen before. I can wave at my friend who works in the Empire State Building. I can sunbathe on my terrace now. I used to be able to sunbathe here. And you know they feel guilty.

Like that view is a guilty view. They're really profiteering in a non-financial way. You're looking through 4,000 souls to see that view. So much bloodshed for you. So much. So you can have a cup of coffee

and go, ah, the vista. There it is, Central Park. As if that was, see how far away it is from Central Park.

Maybe that did it. As if you could see Central Park if only the twin towers weren't there. I don't know, I've had. The fucking hole of the CBD, everything in between it.

It would have this perfect just route through the buildings to Central Park. Maybe, I don't know. I wasn't there. We'll never know. So where else have we been? We started in, oh, I can already guess what track's about to come up. Since Boston. Oh, right, since Boston.

Yeah. So you don't have... Oh, we've done Boston. We've done a Boston one. Did we? Yeah, it was the Shippin' Out to Boston track. The Dropkick Murphys.

Forrest Griffin's walk-in music. Do we do that? I pressed the button. We were very high. This is the first podcast we've done in a little while, actually, where we haven't been that high.

Speak for your fucking self. We'll get on to the edibles in a second. Let's finish one of our conversations. Right. finish one of our conversations right and one of them is therapy so

what was the one we were just having oh yeah where are we just now yeah we're in we're in

St. Louis but we after Boston we went to Washington I'll say it must be nice

it must be nice to have the Washingtons on your side uh huh who else were we in who was that that was Wiz Khalifa oh it was Wiz Khalifa doing a Hamilton To head of Washington's on your side Uh-huh. What else have we seen?

Who's that? That was Wiz Khalifa. Oh. It was Wiz Khalifa doing a Hamilton remix. Oh, who asked for that? Was that Hamilton next year? Wait, wait, wait. Did Wiz Khalifa fans ask for that

or did Hamilton fans ask for that or did nobody ask for it and both sets of fans went, what's happening? Why? Who chose to do this? Now there's a track called The Hamilton Mixtape

so it's a bunch of rappers and R&B artists just doing versions of the Hamilton songs. You'd hate it. I really would. I absolutely fucking would. So the song was

It Must Be Nice To Have Washington On Your Side all about George Washington. I was going to ask what the context was because I was... And then Wiz Khalifa changed it, It Must Be Nice to Have Washington on Your Side. What about George Washington? I was going to ask what the context was. And then Wiz Khalifa changed it to, It Must Be Nice to Have the Washingtons on Your Side, because that's the face on the money. What was it?

Well, there's a few faces, isn't there? Benjamin's is hundreds, isn't it? Aye, but maybe, I thought the Washingtons. What's Washington? 20 or something. Like a football? Five, because he's banging on it with five-ers? It must be nice.

It must be nice to have a couple of five-ers in your pocket. I think it's not been going well for Wiz Khalifa. So where else have we been? We can talk about each individual place too. Let's do the round-up first and then we'll do that. And then... Oh, New York. individual place too let's do the round up first and then we'll do that and then oh New York bastard

that'll do be New York and Philly we've been around is what I'm saying iconic places I've done the tourism tip I've been around is what I'm saying iconic places I've done the tourism tip

I've been fucking everywhere me I've been going off on my Boris bike I've been renting limes mate

I've just been fucking whizzing around the capital and that it was it was Belter I had a great time

it was sunny starting to burn a little bit but I'm buzzing around on my was sunny. It started to burn a little bit, but I'm buzzing around on my scooters and that. Class got a little bit high. I'll bring it very high. It's good.

Well. We normally get enough spliffs to last until the morning and that. We've got to say, well, genuinely thank you to everyone that's come out to all the shows so far. They've been

properly incredible. It's been, I don't know, you've had a different career to me but this has been the best week of my

professional career I think oh I mean the Beacon Theatre was definitely a highlight and also I'm still

constantly in awe and sort of grateful for the fact that like we've broken America like very very very few British comics have done that.

It's a difficult thing. I got you again when we were at the Beacon Theatre. And you're like, you can count on one hand how many British actors have performed at the Beacon Theatre. And then you're aimed off like four. I think it was McIntyre, Billy Connolly. I don't even know if McIntyre, Billy Connolly. I don't even know if McIntyre has that

which is a case. He has actually. Has he? Yeah. And then you were like, I think I'm the fifth because he reigned the four that you knew.

You're like, I think I'm the fifth and then you went on sixth. Oh yeah, yeah. Get it every day. Get it every day with stealing

on your accolades. They've been... Aye. Beacon was fucking class. Some lovely girl gave us some edibles afterwards. They're really beautifully baked. Like cakes and stuff, Halloween style. Have you just ate one now?

Have I? Yeah. That was me. And she was like, be very, very careful. These are real strong just take one take one they take an hour to kick in

one hour lead in they are absolutely delicious like they're without a doubt the best the best tasting edibles I've ever had in my life aye by quite some significance

she fucking underappreciated how much marijuana I consume I hear that we dusted the box on the way to Philly we'd done the way to Philly.

We'd done the drive from New York to Philadelphia and just finished the box, just trying to make sure. I thought we're going to do that thing, you know, where it kicks in just as you take the second one. The tale as old as time. Mine hasn't kicked in yet. Should I have another?

There's a bit when I was in there because we pulled over and we'd stopped. I was going for a piss and I'd literally just eaten it and then I could just feel myself getting a little wave and I was like

oh god have I done have I done what I constantly do and then don't be wrong still high Is that that hotel where there was like I don't know if it was

an African wedding or something but everyone was in like traditional like tribal garb garb garb yeah I think there was some sort of

definitely not garb garb garb not garments I think it I think there was some sort of definitely not garb garb not garments I think it was I mean I don't know what it was I just remember like lots of

bright colours and silks and then just being like me in my hoodie and my tracksuits looking like a piece of shit

surrounded by like all these very very well dressed or naked oh man like all done up to the fucking 90s I kept me all these very, very well-dressed, or native-dressed. Aye, oh, man. Like, all done up to the fucking 90s. I kept my top on because of my tribal tattoos

in case I was in a rival tribe. Because, you know, normally when I go to the service station toilets, I just whip my top off. Got it. That's how you pay for petrol. I'll fucking fight you for the bill. That's what you yell. I do yell a lot.

But I kept my tribal tattoos to myself in case I got roped into some, I don't know, like warfare. And then... The thing is, they weren't actually there, that's how good the cakes were. Yeah, yeah, they were properly... They kicked in and they were a nice meal of one, but I was just always like...

Because, man, I do get worried, not worried with edibles, but I do go, right, when's this going to peak in winters? Oh, yeah, there's nothing you can do to control it after it starts. Oh, I mean, you can't drink... Orange juice. Drink water.

Yeah, orange juice. Orange juice with pulp, then that's... Orange juice with pulp, then that's the best for the leveler. Then I'll be high. Then no wonder I've not stopped. Then absolutely no wonder why I have a marijuana problem. Because if the cure for marijuana addiction and getting out of your system is orange juice with pulp,

I'll fucking smoke myself into the grave. That orange is meant to be the one for acid, isn't it? For levelling you when you take acid. Oh, yeah, yeah. It just seems like such a, like... Or milk. Milk? No, milkshakes for...

Bringing the boys to the yard. Aye. Which is another good way to get off the mushrooms. And then you're like, boys, help us with this mushroom trip. Just hope one of the boys is a paramedic or something

New York to Philadelphia I've done them all I was trying to think about the other things we haven't spoken about oh yeah nobody sits like this

in therapy oh yeah get back to that because I mean I've never been to therapy it shows does it

well I mean it shows in every one. I like to do it. I don't think I'm, like, I don't think I'm front of the queue for needing therapy. Aye. But I think everybody should, like, maybe consider it. Aye.

But I didn't, I feel like that resource could be better used. And also, like, it's very hard to find a therapist just now because they are so busy which I think is a good thing but then also if you don't have man there were many

several times when and this is why my therapist was so good there were several times when I would just go in and just like I could put nothing wrong

and he would be like alright we're done like I'm not I'm not going to charge you or make you sit down for 45 minutes to an hour and just create problems for no fucking reason

I see you're completing therapy no no no just a couple of times achievement unlocked just I would go in platinum did and

you know we'd like the things we normally talk about and he's like how are you feeling about those and I'm like yeah real good I've done all this stuff and then and then he'd be like

right well then is there anything else and I'm like oh well I guess then he'd be like right well then he's like anything else and i'm like oh well i guess like i was a bit annoyed by this he was like oh don't guess like don't like let's not dig let's not just give me money for the sake of giving me money like if you've got nothing to complain about then enjoy that let's not fucking waste an hour of day over analyzing i love that you put therapy down to complaining well i, I mean, I'm paraphrasing here. Oh, man. So what, like, you know, if you got in for a first session,

like, say if you were in your first session, I'm the therapist. Aye. What would the questions be? Because, like, does he just start cracking on with you? No, because you go in like if you sign up to

therapy for a reason you go in and they're like like when I went in in January last year it was like

I've just come off of this worldwide tour where I was away for way too long and I you know I'm very very angry

because I was working too hard I was drinking too much I was doing heaps of fucking drugs I wasn't looking after myself and I was working too hard. I was drinking too much. I was doing heaps of fucking drugs. I wasn't looking after myself. And I was... Fractured to sleep all the time.

Aye. I was reliving fucking trauma every single night on stage for that dank amounts of cash to an audience I resented because I didn't want to be there. And now I hate my job. And I'm very, very angry at my agent for allowing it all to happen. And I don't like being angry at her. And I don't like being angry at the other people involved.

So then he just, like, kind of fuelled the conversation until you figured it all out in your own head. Aye. So he just keeps, like... And then would point out things that I was... Like, oh, let's go back to that.

You brushed over this. Yeah, aye. And then would just, like, let you talk and then, like, sometimes you'd come out and you'd be like, I don't know if, like,

I don't necessarily feel... Don't get me wrong, it does always feel good to talk about it, stuff like that. I've always found that to be true. But there were times when you came out and you were like, I don't know if any of that, like, I actually got anything. But then there'll be a session, like, 10, 15 down the line

where you catch yourself doing something. Because they're just... You know, therapists do know what's wrong with you, right? But they can't tell you. Because people telling you what's wrong with you isn but they can't tell you because people telling you what's wrong with you isn't the point you've got to work it out

yourself so that you don't regret it that must be so frustrating for some therapists when they're like you're nearly there man so close

my therapist gave me a round of applause a year later after I worked out that I was a drug addict like literally I remember going in there, like, this is, like, fucking back in January or February.

That must have been so tantric for him. Such a release. He was like, you know, he was like, I was thinking, like, yeah, you know, I'm all right. You know, we're still locked down, but I'm recording. I'd been doing Sober January. And I was like, you know, it's fine, I'm getting through it, like I definitely miss weed and stuff but, you know, it is what it is.

And he goes, are you going to start smoking in February? I was like, yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah, of course I am. He goes, why? And I go, I just, you know, it just calms me down, I like it and also, like, the more I've been thinking about while I've been sober even though like marijuana is not an addictive substance and you can just see his

eyes go wide and he's like yeah yeah that's what you've been telling yourself and I was like even though it's

not addictive you can be addictive to non-addictive things like gambling not addictive playstation

not addictive painting like fucking the gym like you can get biting your toenails

exactly you can get addicted to anything addictive there are things that are addictive and there's people with addictive personalities

so you can be addicted to things that aren't inherently addictive and he was like uh huh like just fucking like sitting there with the string

to release the trap on me he was like just get closer to the cheese motherfucker here it is and then I was like

so I think maybe I might possibly be addicted to and then I was like so I think maybe I might possibly be addicted to marijuana and he was like yeah and then I was like could you

yeah all your family came in but then I was like could you not have told me this a year ago saved me a lot of money alright

maybe not a year ago six months ago tell me six months ago I mean to be fair I've done nothing about it. Nah, you're actually getting worse. Well, it's not necessarily worse, but it's just such a minor addiction. And I'm sorry

to anyone else that suffers marijuana addiction out there, but you can be objective with yourself. What we are going through doesn't matter like it's the it's the smallest it's very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very

very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very weighed by the long term consequences like you know I wouldn't recommend it but I wouldn't recommend Beardedicted to anything So we got super high after the New York gig and then went out with some friends of yours who are now friends of mine I've borrowed them they were fucking cool man

you can say his name Carl, because he wasn't getting hired I didn't want to get in trouble for smoking weed he's literally in Harold and come on get the munchies and he didn't even smoke no he's off the

he's off the booze and the weed just now because he's I think he's so we we were basically I woke up

the next morning I was so drunk and high right that I was like I can't see you I was like oh fucking hope we didn't do anything too stupid last night because we're high and then i just flashed

back to a memory of carl penn and his boyfriend holding me back from punching an old fat chinese man i and then it was a rude old fat you wasn't fucking very rude it was a very regret that i didn't regret that i was fucking gonna give him a was a very rude old fat Chinese man. But I didn't regret it. I didn't regret that. I was fucking going to give him a piece of my mind as well, which we'll get into that in a second. No, let's not. But just to go... No, we'll, we'll.

Just to go this thought. I went, I didn't do anything stupid last night. And then I remembered that and I was like, now we're good. Now is that right? It was a solid night. Now that guy was rude about it was just

don't go into somebody else's personal life so like that's okay like he was being a dick he was rightfully being a dick he was called to that

and then you were asked not to fight him that's the end of the story yeah ah okay he was just being rude he was basically he was being rude

because of his celebrity yeah is what he was saying and I just fucking I put the guy in his place and then we walked off and the guy decided to follow her

and she like shouting go on fuck off then and all that and I was like I'm walking away for your benefit so I had to let him know that

we er we then also I can barely fucking remember this but there was a guy that was just literally just selling like spliffs on the side of the roads

oh yeah right because we went to the cookie shop we went there was a guy that was just literally just selling like spliffs on the side of the roads oh yeah because we went to the cookie shop we went there was like a 24 hour cookie shop and we went and just got a bunch

of snacks yeah yeah because we were baked and then we also got strawberries yes we did because I was like walking down

after the gig I was like who the fuck's buying fruit at like one in the morning why have they got like the fruit store and then I was like

fire like four in the morning where both of us were out in the morning why have they got like the fruit store and then I was like fly out like four in the morning where both of us were out in the streets eating strawberries alright so there's a guy who was just like anyone want any weed

and I was like yeah fuck it like I'm fucking hammered at three in the morning already too high like I'm willing to be involved in something that is almost

definitely entrapment yeah sure and I think like I think he just wanted five bucks for it because I was just hot I just gave him twenty and I was just like did you wanted five bucks for it because I was just

I just gave him twenty and I was just like did you get that guy money that would go with the spliff yeah because yeah

he was trying to sell weed but we had some yeah yeah I was just like here you go he's fucking twenty

and then he was like oh man thanks so much and then he handed me a pill and I chased him down and I was like no

no I don't my ecstasy years I'm going to bed man yeah and also man my I've absolutely don't my ecstasy years I'm going to bed man yeah man and also man my I've absolutely taken my last ecstasy

have you 100% my days are numbered so very I'll never touch Mandy or ecstasy ever again in my life I hope

that's a real hope you've got a kid on the way as well you know like just forget about that no oh fuck yeah shit but i've not man i've not done mdma for like four or five years i did like i enjoyed it three times

and then every other time after that i was i was just like i'm just chasing a high all i am is i'm chasing a high that i'm never gonna i'm chasing that first time in rockness yeah ecstasy fucking kicked in and i danced all night. And then the second time I did it was pretty good. And also the times we did it in Benidormer class, right? Those are the fucking three times I've enjoyed doing Ecstasy. And then almost every other time after that,

I'm just like, I'm just chasing more Ecstasy. I don't enjoy this. Like I'm just fucking gurning. I don't understand what people are saying. I'm sick of speaking to people on Ecstasy because not only am I aware that my chat doesn't make sense,

I cannot be fucking arsed trying to work out their shit. And just people are having intense conversations with me. Nah, I'm done with it. Sounds class. Nah. You're making it sound weird. Fucking rude instead. I do like love and juice and drug.

You probably just do not feel comfortable feeling love. I used to have a bit like that that didn't work, which is like, you know how people hate drinking alcohol because they wake up and they cringe at how horrible or mean they were. I get embarrassed by it. I don't like being nice to people, man. Like, fucking first time I did an X-Day at fucking Rocknest, he'll remain nameless, right?

But you know one of my mortal fucking enemies in comedy literally since I was 17 years old, right? mortal fucking enemies in comedy since like literally since I was 17 years old right I don't know who you're saying well

I couldn't have made it anyway I'll tell you after anyway hold on just say it okay he we were up at Rocknest

and he was there and I'd fucking taken pills and they just fucking kicked him and I went up and hugged him and to this fucking day to'd fucking taken pills and they just fucking kicked him and I went up and hugged him and to this fucking day to this fucking

day I regret that to this fucking day he didn't he didn't deserve my forgiveness he hadn't done anything he hadn't improved

as a human being he hadn't pondered and self-reflected on his fucking country he was lucky that I took some fucking pills

and out of fucking ecstasy Daniel decided to forgive him and you can't retrospectively take I couldn't turn up the next day and be like hey by the way just to let you know I don't forgive you you wake up in the morning like

I hugged a cunt I did I hugged a cunt I hugged a horrible fucking cunt and I told him I was like let's let bygones be bygones and he was like

that was really mature of you and the next day I'm like fuck I know it was. And I wish it wasn't. That's devastating. I'm fucking gutted. I've lost the rivalry. That's absolutely fucking devastating.

You squashed a beef that fuelled you? I know. Maybe that's why I've lost my drive later on in my career. I've just got less people to spite. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, mate. That's another thing. fucking therapists don't hug no that's fair

no no that's been like I just got in lie down on the couch have a good spoon you know what it's probably just cheaper to get a sex worker

less money get a cuddle you get to lie down aye but they're not gonna you know all good therapists are in therapy themselves Get a curl, you get to lie down. Aye, but they're not going to, you know, all good therapists are in therapy themselves.

And I feel like a sex worker, although probably in therapy, and although listening isn't good at it or enjoying it. I think, so you just sit in a chair opposite each other sit in a chair or I mean nowadays it's fucking Zoom but I definitely did not prefer the Zoom

like they came in handy nah there's so much with body language as well I feel like they'd miss out on reading how you feel by not saying your disposition yeah I think it's but then if you

I mean if the only way to do it is through fucking Zoom then you still do it like there were some points where you just yeah it's better But then, if the only way to do it is through fucking Zoom, then you still do it. There were some points where you just... Yeah, it's better than not doing it still. Aye, aye. I went up the Rocky Steps in Philadelphia.

You did that last time. Huh? You did that last time. What are you talking about? Last time we went in Philly. No, we went for the cheesesteaks instead. We had like one hour to kill, and it was either go to the Rocky Statue

or it was going to... I just assumed that you'd gone when I wasn't with you because you'd keep doing touristy stuff. I keep calling them chilli feast steak and it's doing me fucking tits in. Philly cheese steaks? Chilli feast steaks.

I vote that's on you. It's absolutely on me. Chilli... Philly cheese steaks. There you go. So this time I was like I've got an hour

you're definitely not coming out not a fucking chance why would I want to see some stairs and it's not about the stairs what a fucking movie that's not that great from ages ago

I like it it's iconic I agree with you it is iconic but it does not mean it's a good movie nowadays I know it's like it's a big part of

like many people's lives and I get that but now it's like one of my first VHS movies if it were to

come out right now it would be panned and shat on an unwatchable tripe it would probably

be seen as really artistic if they shot it exactly that way aye it's whoa you made it feel like an 80s movie aye and I don't think I would I think really artistic if they shot it exactly that way I'm like whoa you made it feel like an 80s movie

I don't think I would I think going to the Rocky Steps would fill me with rage as I just watched a bunch of fucking but you've probably been like platform 9 and 3 quarters and like hung on to the thing

and pretended you were getting pulled through the platform haven't done that yeah so that's it's like my version of that right so um i i looked at the map how far away it was right and it was like 1.6 miles or something and i was like looking at the traffic because it was kind of early evening i was like it's probably gonna be quick i'd walk there than that and i couldn't find a lame scooter on the app and then i was like it's probably going to be quicker to walk there than that and I couldn't find a lame scooter on the app and then I was like fuck it I'll run there

because that's what he did he ran to the steps and then he ran up the steps I'll be a bit out of breath when I get there I'll run up the steps I'll be next to the statue put my fists up

the other fucking 50 50 employees doing the exact same fucking thing there was a few who were running up the steps with their phones out a handful of them

I was like seven or eight all with the same original thought that we'll come up with at once and I get to the top

statue's not at the top no it's doing the bottom of the steps well that's fair probably don't want

to carry it all the way up there but it just makes like it's just like a proper walk of shame isn't it when you're like Wait,

did you not say when you were on the way up when I'm like running up Would you not have run past it? I'm running up the steps like

God, even that theme tune is shite. Like, I know it's iconic because it's memorable but God,

what, just really bad trumpet playing is it a trumpet? You're just hurting people's memorable, but, God, what? Just really bad trumpet playing. Is it a trumpet? Yeah, just hurting people. Well, like, put it on again. Tell me. Right, you take all nostalgia out of this.

You think this is a banger. What's wrong with you? It's just fucking 70s porno music, innit? It's just back when things were fucking hairy and sweaty and gross and people were being free but nobody was correcting them or bullying them for the right reasons. Everything stunk.

Aye, and you know what? We're going to make a movie about a hard man who's absolutely mentally challenged beyond reason he's got an emotionally abusive woman

who at no point during any of the stories has ever loved him but because he's obsessive and devoid of any love in his life it's enough for him and what's this

hard cunt going to fucking what was the theme you know trumpets you know the least cool fucking instrument, like just above a harmonica. Is the harmonica guy busy? Right, great.

Then we'll get Davey does the fucking trumpets. What a pile of shit. There's an instrument between harmonica and trumpets. It's the accordion. Oh, aye. The accordions. Well, I can't insult accordions because then I'll rightfully be called out on bagpipes.

Aye, aye. So I can't. I've got to stay silent on the accordion. The accordion's just a bagpipe that a bit more logistically makes sense. Like, logistically, the engineer of an accordion, it's like they've went, all right, I see what you're doing with a bagpipe,

but we can just do that a whole lot better and more efficient. I think a bagpipe's way more efficient than a fucking accordion. Like, with a bagpipe, it's just like, that's a constant thing of air. So that's just like having a, you're blowing it up, so you've just got constant air going through it. That's what you're squeezing out.

So it's a constant lung. As opposed to, in and out. Like, maybe for exercise. Like a pillow. Yeah. Like you're trying to get the fire going. Yeah.

Bagpipes are absolutely way more efficient than accordion. They don't sound better. I mean, I like them, but I respect the only reason I like bagpipes is for nostalgia reasons, which is why I would like all of you Rocky fans to admit that that music is fucking shite without nostalgia. I wonder if there's a bagpipe version

of it oh god do you want us to try and find a bagpipe version I mean I don't want you

to but you're going to and there's very little I can do to stop you oh god does this mean

I have to fucking fill time on the podcast well in that case I guess I'll just so to

fucking Boston we're coming back on the 26th you were at a great crowd so please

come and watch us do comedy again it's the same show so just

tell your fucking friends New York Dream Come True obviously that was

all amazing can't believe it definitely going to try and get back again

soon if you were unable to make the show and you want to make the

trip up to Albany we're there next week playing at The Egg and to the people that have travelled to multiple states to see us already

three things one thank you two you giant fucking loser and three stop that I appreciate it it's amazing but I mean you don't need to spend that much money coming to see the same fucking show over and over again.

Nearly. I mean... Does that do it for you more? I don't know. It does it for me more, absolutely. Let her finish. I mean... Weirdly makes it better than it's the last.

I wasn't even looking now, but... Makes it so much better than it's the last day and I don't know why. Is that some reverse sexism? Probably. Well, probably because, like,

when you see... Is it maybe, like, sexist, like, oh, look, a bird can date now. Is that what reverse sexism? Probably. Well, probably because, like, when you see... Is it maybe, like, sexist, like, oh, look, a bird can do it now? Is that what it's like? No, but normally when you do see, like, especially someone in fucking, like, you know, who spends most of his time up in Scotland and has for the past fucking ten years,

like, when we see bagpipers, it's normally on the Royal Mile and there's fucking people in the kilts and whatever, like, and it's always so official, it's always, like, the the tattoo it's something like that very rarely do you see like a fucking casual bagpiper so I think that's what this

is more of maybe it's that you're a big sexist and you're like oh cracking three fun bags like that's that's definitely possible I love how they put my bag on her armpit

oh god I wish that were me just being blown constantly I wish she's got me my bag on her armpit I wish that were me just being blown constantly she's got me testicles on her armpit the bagpipe I would have I'd have no desire to learn how to play the bagpipes though

if you could clock one instrument it's gotta be I mean it just's got to be I mean it just it has to be the piano oh you want to tickle the ivories do you I want to fucking

play Nelson's Teeth I just wanted like because you can just when you're walking through Central Station or whatever St Pancras you can

yeah but also like there's just you can add dabble and then do a little bit of fucking can't fight the moonlight you know you fucking go around

someone's house they've got one and you're like oh you know I did when I was younger and then you just fucking belt someone else and then everyone like sings I just I don't know I think it would be also anyone who knows how to play the guitar

is a fucking pedo nobody learned the guitar for good, honourable reasons. Everyone did it for cash. Just to make it clear, everybody who can play the guitar is a pedo. That's your current stance. That's my stretch. Okay, okay.

No, no, no, I'm attracted. All those talented people. Oh, they're talented, hey. Do you know what? Like, somebody that doesn't know the industry could easily just go, like, say stuff like that about comedians as if we're, like, two-bit fucking magicians.

Oh, man. And they would be right about 50% of comedians. Man, you think I don't know why people think some comedy, why some people think comedy sucks? Like, man, there is, like, there are the people that are very, very good at comedy, like the best ever do it. And then there's all the people in front of them making way more noise that the public don't get to see because they just go,

oh, if the only thing, and this isn't an insult to any of the comics that play on any of the shows, but if you're only ever watching prim time fucking stand-up right at fucking five to eight p.m bbc filtered edited garlic and bread all that like man if that's the stand-up you're watching then the only your only fucking gateway of course you think stand-up is shit and of course you're not going to go to the fringe and of course you're like well i just i don't like stand-up comedy it's not for me and I've always

but well because you haven't seen Stanhope you haven't found what's for you but not even just fucking stand-up man

there's better comics out there Zoe Lyons is out there like if you don't like Mike Birbiglia all these I mean I know Mike's big now

but to a normal everyday person in the street they don't know who fucking Birbiglia is I've never seen like Phil Nicol smash a room. They don't know fucking they don't know Tim Minchin. Most of them well I mean I guess Bo Burnham's now.

They absolutely do. But like you know they just don't know all the fucking really really really good stand-ups out there because they've just been fucking witnessing sanitised TV stuff. Sanitised fucking TV shit.

Or like the live stuff that they go to might just be one of these open mics that's thrown on like but to be fair anyone that goes to I will say this

any audience member that goes to open mics and laughs at those things you're a good good person thanks who are those guys because like

we needed them early doors absolutely we're so grateful for them yeah because like when I watch because you might be about to get tortured

aye and they don't lose faith I think you're getting charged two quid and you're about to like literally have fucking pins put under

any of your fingernails they're like this could be good or this could be awful and they sit there for like two and a half hours at a time I guess for them

for them like some of the times like they like seeing a bad comic I can't watch a comic die unless i know them and then it's funny yeah like i like i will always but if i'm at red raw would you love watching me die yeah oh god of course i would you've never seen it 13 years uh-huh i'm not the best but i'm the most consistent like Paul Dummett Constance

7 out of 10 every game you can trust him 7 out of 10 performance no but the reason it's fun to watch your fucking friends die

is because you've seen your friends fucking kill so you know it's wrong Elliot Steele watching Elliot bomb is always funny Elliot Steele on late and live

funny because he's a good comic we got that everyone around to watch we're like Elliot's bombing come watch. We got that everyone around to watch. We're like, Elliot's bombing, come watch. We gave him that and I still stand by

that we did him a favourite that day. We gave him one of the worst days of his career and then it was out of the way. He's like, bruv, why did you do that?

And I'm like, because this is your low. This is it. I put my arm around him when he came off stage and I went, I've wiped your name off the chalkboard

so no one will know it was you. But so I think... Did Nick Cody not have something of it as well because Nick Cody went on after him, smashed it and he was wearing the exact same like blue jeans black t-shirt and he went well it wasn't the outfit. So, but I can't watch if I'm at Red Raw or I'm at a new comedy night. You can't watch someone new, Bowman. You can't watch someone new or, I've obviously keep on fucking, I can't watch bad comedy.

Bad comedy fucking creates me the wrong way, man. Like if I'm at the, you know, the stand or fucking any, the Glees or whatever, right, and there's a comic that I don't think is good on and they're not doing well in the room, I get really angry because I'm like, and I don't think is good on and they're not doing well in it, I get really angry because I'm like, and I shouldn't think this way, but I'm like, you're a fucking thief.

You're a stage time thief. You've been in this fucking game for 15 to 20 years or something. You've not changed your fucking material. You're not doing anything new. You're just sucking up stage time because people respect you because you've

earned a certain level of respect several years ago you've not updated it fucking since and now you're taking stage time off of younger

hungrier fucking comics who deserve it more than you do and a lot of the time with fucking new comics like if you man if you're still shit

right and you're like man don't get me wrong I know how hard it is to become a good comic right we're allowed to bomb and you're allowed to, right, in your, like, don't get me wrong, I know how hard it is to become a good comic, right? We're allowed to bomb and you're allowed

to continuously bomb until you get good. You've got to figure it out, find your voice. Aye, aye. But there is a point when, I mean, that's the game we played

in the car all the way up, you and me and Elliot on the way to Liverpool. Oh yeah, that was a really cathartic game that, but really cruel. 100% cruel.

Really cruel. But it's just, if you have... Well, given people that pay 45 weren't we just like

just decided like doing a redundancy on people just comedy comedy needs to fucking clear out the industry just suffered

for two fucking years and all the comedians that should have retired didn't say their name say their name and like clear up

your desk sorry man you're great we love you that joke you used to do about the thing one of the best off you fucking pop though

you've got your 20 years yeah we'll put your name on the wall of course we will nice little PL no there's a cake we're going to celebrate

you're going we're sad to see you leave but leave you must enjoy your retirement yeah we know you're 34 enjoy your retirement enjoy your fucking get a hobby

go on off you pop get out of here spank on the bum for old times sake but em we'll not retire though we could end up

being like left behind and then just cling on to that rock it's one of my biggest fears in comedy like what was the when I was out for I was out for dinner

with my my my god listen to this fucking sentence I was out for dinner with my my God, listen to this fucking sentence. I was out for dinner with my publicist and my PR. God, who have I become? And it was really fun because they've never met before, but

they're both New Yorker they've been working in New York for like 34 years so they both just know of each other and then they both start reminiscing about people like they might have both worked with over the years but for separate reasons

and was it like well like Colin and Hicks and all that was it like oh yeah yeah like proper like historical greats yeah yeah and then some people I'd never heard of and man

fucking Pierre Gethers my publisher told me one of the scariest things I've ever like a heart this is

he could have been holding a torch under his face like the Blair Witch Project right just talking about and he went oh you know

I did this comic and even my publisher was going oh man so this comic back like 20 years ago

he was amazing like he was like fucking smashing it constantly like he sub amazing like he was like fucking smashing it constantly like he's he subverted it uh he would he was on all the gigs he was getting tv breaks and stuff watching him live was like a fucking master class i was like what happened and he went just one day he just fucking stank you just stopped being funny he just stopped being funny and he kept going for like another 10, 12 years

and just the audiences slowly dwindled away but some people would still go there because like for so long they thought he was just like subverting it more and like maybe the point was

he was being shit and they were just like desperate but he was just getting worse and worse at stand up completely fucking lost it and I was like that can happen

I didn't know that could happen. Fuck me, man. That's like as horrifying as like, you know, you could end up with locked-in syndrome. Aye. I can lose my pure essence of me being. Aye, all fucking movement.

And you're just frozen in a bed while your mum just whispers, I wish you would just die. And you're like, oh. I wonder if you're still having the funny thoughts in your mum just whispers, I wish you would just die. And you're like, oh. I wonder if you're still having the funny thoughts in your head and then you'll say them out loud and no one laughs. And you're like, or do you think you'd stop even finding yourself funny? I don't know, because I always think,

I think I would because, I am one of my own harshest critics. Oh yeah, because I'm my biggest fan. I really make myself laugh. I'm saying it now. I, like, man, like, I mean, you've been with me on this tour when I'll fucking, like, fucking rant and complain about this fucking show. Like, I've got very high standards for myself.

So I hope that's what keeps me from going down that track like even when i have because you i mean you know what it's like when you have a gig and you come off stage and fucking like natalie or cara whoever's in the audience will be there and they'll be like that was amazing and i'll go i hate it and they're like how could you have hated that i'm like because you've seen five gigs and I've done ten thousand that was a bad example because Natalie and Cara are really good now

at like seeing if we're having a bad time while we're having a good gig aye but they'll still but they know they know when we hate it

but that's why they tell us that it was a fucking good gig because like otherwise you're being harsh on yourself yeah yeah that was grand yeah I'm like

it was fine it was a nice it was a yeah who gives a shit like it was fine it was a nice how was it yeah who gives a shit like it was an audience they laughed at the fucking bits like I wasn't the right fucking headspace or whatever

but you know I can objectively tell you when I've done my worst I can tell you when I've done my best work and I can tell you when I've had a really fucking good audience

and you know sometimes I do I was about to say sometimes I do my best work to a bad crowd but I don't think that's true oh no that's no no I know my best work to a bad crowd but I don't think that's true. Oh no, that's, no, no, I know I have.

I had a gig in Glasgow when you were doing the Fringe at the Festival Theatre. I opened for you and then blasted Glasgow. Oh right, like this year? This year. I opened for you, blasted over to Glasgow, right, and I was on and there was this, there was this big guy, I can't remember if i've told you this story before on the podcast i don't think i have i should stop doing that every time i tell a story and just tell it twice um and he was just like arms folded here there's just looking at this right and the rest of the gig was going class but all i could see was him you know in your head like that's what you point out and i just thought i'm just gonna have fun with this i'm just gonna try and make

him laugh right and in me trying to make him laugh just made everything I did a bit bigger a little bit more confident and all that I never broke him right he never laughed once right when I whacked off

but I whacked away just going I've just had one of the best gigs I've ever had because I was trying to fucking get him to break aye

aye you steal into the you know what I mean we're like the fucking yeah the dumbest one of the dumbest days of our career when you, me and Steel

took fucking acid off Ari Shavir at the last year's festival yes and we didn't fucking sleep and we didn't fucking eat and we all went on stage that day

both me and Elliot had really good gigs I had one of the best gigs of my career mine was great I remember which room I was in and everything I remember

and I don't remember fucking sets I remember every bit of that room I was in and everything I remember and I don't remember fucking sets I remember every bit of that because I was feeling fucking awful before and having fear you know when you're behind the curtain

before you go on there's 400 people in this crowd and I'm on a fucking acid come down and a bunch of other fucking shit like and I've been

drinking for an entire month like I haven't shat solid in three fucking days I haven't slept and the only thing I've had put my stomach since acid last night is four sips of iron brew because that's all my shrunken stomach can handle and then go on stage and then just I think because you're so present you're just so hyper fucking present uh that I mean that was my that was my secret to fucking doing good gigs on when I was sad on the X tour. You just took a massive vape head before you went on.

I would look you dead in the eyes and I would take an obnoxiously large lung full of marijuana because I would go right I've got to pay attention to every fucking second of this now like I can't rein this in I can't coast. You know I remember which day that was the day after the acid day right it was 2016 and it was the day the nominations came out

for the for the fringe awards right so because me and Elliot decided we'd go to each other's gigs because we're on back to back I think it was like his first

then mine and just out of moral support I'd go to his he'd go to mine right we're fucked went to Moss Kitchen got a curry couldn't eat any of it.

Oh, of course. And just sat over our curries, both. We're not talking to each other. Head in one, like literally palms pushed into our eyes like that, right? And we're there for like half an hour. And it's one of the busiest spots in the Edinburgh Festival for artists. So many artists would have walked past and spotted us. And we would have just looked like

we took not being nominated really badly like really fucking badly can't touch our food can't talk

to each other I can't stomach this my name's not on the long list it wasn't even on the long list

and then everyone walking past was like look I I don't even know why they're devastated all they've done all month is taken drugs how could they possibly think that looked a bit premature when they were celebrating last night i remember that nate also because you and elliot done the right thing he's went home and just were high in the house. Right. Well, me and Elliot couldn't get up the stairs

of the Gilded Balloon. Well, this is what happened. I was following you guys, right? Because you went to the loft bar which is at the top of the Gilded Balloon. But Natalie was like galvanising our friends

from the different shows they've been to. And it relied on me and Natalie coming in with them because we knew Fred works at the front house at Loft. And we're like look there's fucking

six of us we've only got a plus one of each of them but like mates rates can well come in so they needed me and Natalie to be there

so we waited outside to get Natalie's friends and then while we're waiting for the elevator the doors opened and you and Elliot just looked scared

and you went we're going home and you ran past us we did go up in the elevator that was right, because Fred and Dickie, bless them they saw it and it was a fucking busy, busy night, it was like a

Friday or a Saturday and they still had fucking patience with us being just children at this point when they were trying to do their jobs but Fred was like, what drugs are you on? And I was like, acid and she was like, man you do not want to was like acid and she was like man you do not want to be in here and I was like I didn't think we did and she put us straight back in the elevator

and she went go home like have fun but like that's not for you and me and Ellie were like yeah yeah yeah you bust past me you bust past me and I had to stay out because I had guests and I went in right plus like Mary mary and maxwell and brett and

everyone right they knew the clip i was in so they were like right let's find a spot outside it was a dry night right we'll go on the roof terrace put the bags down this is where we'll keep the bags you just sit with the bags as if you're one of the bags and we'll create a circle around you and that means when we're chatting that new one's like getting so i just sat there and people were like taking turns and sitting doing and just like i was i was being babysat essentially the problem with this rule is you have to get out the toilet at some point and it was like i'm a fucking mount doom getting through this like fucking barrage of people like all people you recognize and know and hardly know and you you've known them for ages but can't remember their name and just stuff that would like be

shite if you are on the ball but super shite when you're out of your mind right and I'm going to the toilet and now who was it you know Mark Dolan aye Mark Dolan just got right up in me face

right and we're like Kai where have you been I haven't seen you all festival have you been avoiding us and his face was just like fucking moving and melting and that and I couldn't process and all festival. Have you been avoiding us? And his face was just like fucking moving and melting and that. And I couldn't process.

And I just went, nah, mate. I just fucking liked it. Probably thinks you hate him. Nah, nah. I hope he... Who knows? Don't even know him that well. I don't think I know.

Wait, who is Mark Dolan? He's that guy that's like... He was on fucking... Is he the one that's talking about right wing now? He was on an internet video like snipping up masks and all that and went quite viral snipping up masks. Oh, yeah, he used to host Balls of Steel.

Yeah, he's on GB News. He's on that. Yeah, that's a lot. But anyway, I just was like, no, I can't handle that. I just fucking... I just intentionally pied him and whacked off because I couldn't cope.

Maxwell was mint because he was just like... He was very like... He knew what I'd be going through and whacked off because I couldn't cope you know Maxwell was mint because like he was just like he was very like he knew what I'd be going through and he just tacked us through it and he was like it would be alright

but fucking what a relief when I finally got everyone home I don't think I've taken my last acid no like I think that like but I also don't think

I don't say that as in I'll be doing it within the next I don't think I'll be doing it in the next 10 years but I reckon like when I'm when I'm older and like within the next... I don't think I'll be doing it in the next 10 years, but I reckon when I'm older and when the kids have moved on, I'll definitely be getting back into... I'm going to be a weed gardener when I'm 50.

I'm just going to be a fucking... Once my kids are old enough and they know what I'm doing is not okay, that I'm just going to be a granddad stoner. That's just how I want to see my years years it'll be like just in time for your arthritis and all that and at that point I won't care how young I die because I've got all the fucking painkillers here so I think in that time

you're not trying to buy time at the end of your life no not at all man if I if I die I'll be gutted, right? Because I've got so much left to do in life. But if I were to die within the next fucking 10, 15 years, I've achieved a lifetime's worth of shit. That's why I'm not that fussed about turning 40.

I remember when I turned 30 as well. I took stock of what I've done in that last decade, and I'm like, ah, you know what, I'm fucking, I'm ahead in years. Aye, aye. So I might do psychedelics again when I'm older.

Maybe not, but. You know what, I need to do them properly. I've mistreated psychedelics. I've used them as party drugs. No, there was that time you made your 2CV during the lockdown.

Oh yeah, that was right. That was a good one. That was the correct way of doing it. We had a great day. When I've done it at Glastonbury, the mushrooms

and the 2CB, it was amongst other things and it was like getting on it. Ben and Norman was spiked. That was a party. The other night

in Liverpool, that was like the tail end of a night. Yeah, it was just a suicide for no reason. I didn't put any thought into any of those

not a single didn't look at your watch didn't ask anyone what the plans were was just a yes man in the moment do you want a drink

yeah I thought it was going to be fucking arcade well I have a book out you can buy my book I mean I know

most of you have already and please keep Instagramming about it I'm very aware that my Instagram is annoying at the moment because it's just me posting about

how successful I am that's the only way to get another book deal is to is to prove that it's successful and that like there's a

big tour that goes with it so I am just going to be a bit more like that what are you going to write if you get another book deal um well i mean probably something about fucking i am wholly unprepared to be a father but i still reckon i'll nail it uh really yeah the fucking confident fucking well just no i think the whole like like I think like I think the book would be called

something like you know look if they can do it aye that's always been my theory like man that's always been my theory

don't get me wrong it's definitely the hardest thing people do as individuals aye I don't want to take credit away from people that have done it because it's like

it's amazing that they've done it but sometimes I look at a guy and I'm like I'm going to be alright aye man I know so many fucking

absolutely balls to the walls dog shit parents and I'm not close to these people but also like one of the raised orders did you check the product

like you're saying half the day you can do it but did they do it to the standard that you'd hold for yourself yeah man there's a bit in the book where I rightly talk about

man I used to be properly fucking judgmental about all the underage pregnancies in Fife and then like literally a year ago

I did genuinely check up on all the classmates I had that either got pregnant or got somebody else pregnant and every single

one of their kids turned out to be sound at university like really yeah so man I've got a handful of friends

that had kids at 15 and their kids are solid adults now they're like good adults like you fucking trust them in society which is good to know it's good to know

I think the moral is like kids can survive shite parents like you know but as well as like because you have kids young doesn't necessarily mean you're shite parents. Aye. Like, you know. But as well as, like, because you have kids, young doesn't necessarily mean you're shite. No, of course.

It means you're inexperienced at life. Aye. So, like, you've got less to impart on the children. You're, like, you're at a serious disadvantage. But I think, like, if a kid's raised with love... Oh, absolutely. My point was I was entirely wrong in that belief. Yeah, yeah.

And I objectively, I was fucking incorrect. Anyway, the book's called Everyone You Hate Is Gonna Die. Buy it. Fucking, it's on audiobook. Oh, man, one of the funniest things. I mean, this isn't that funny, but I laughed because I was high. Somebody got me to, wrap your head around this, somebody got me to sign their audiobook.

How do you even get that done? So they had the audiobook, right, and they took a screen grab of the audiobook, around this somebody got me to sign their audio book how do you even get that done so they had the audio book right they took a screen grab of the audio book

and then they went to edit picture and then I signed on the screen hi yeah sure

yeah what does it matter if it's ink or if it's pixels and I was like I didn't mind that never would have counted

I'm like that's really stupid and lame but it's like man it works that counts so you can buy all those things

and then it's the only time I'll be checking my DMs signing your audio book sounds like you're going to

do a sign language version which would be weird because I mean if you can see sign language you can read

that's right which would be weird because I mean if you can see sign language you can read. Aye that's right. But there's people watching this podcast. Right. So if you're deaf but you can read why would you need to go just to see the guy signing it? Just to see me signing the book? It just might be easier to like watch it than read it i mean maybe i don't know i feel like you think do you think watching sign language would be easier than reading a book no i reckon reading is way easier you can definitely you can because watching a film's easier than reading a book. Yeah, but you can, yeah, but you're taking it all in.

Like, I figure you're also limited by how fast somebody's hands can move and how fast you can be when doing sign language. Like, you can read however many words a minute. Like, we can all... Such a slow reader. It's so annoying. I'm a...

Cara fucking inhales. Ah, yeah, I don't know how fucking Natalie takes any of it in she mustn't she's like fucking short circuit is that what Cara's like

no that's the reason why Cara doesn't like Cara doesn't read because also she gets obsessed with books so she's like

if I read a good book I'll not I'll give up everything else until I get to the end of that book like I'll not fucking eat I'll not go to fucking work I'll just I don't like everything else until I get to the end of that book like I'll not fucking eat I'll not go to fucking work

I'll just I don't like stopping in the middle of a chapter it feels weird I've got ADD I can do like you can stop in the middle of

you think you've got ADD no no but that's what people fucking say but man I'm reading four books I'm literally reading four different books

at the moment and I'll pick up whichever one I'm in the mood of and I'll find halfway through chapters I was going the mood of and I'm fine halfway through chapters. I was going to say, because I wouldn't just start watching a series, right, but then just keep stopping in the middle of an episode of the series. Yeah, I do that all the time.

You could do that if you had to. I don't like to do it. I don't like to watch an episode unless I've got time to watch the episode and consume it as it's supposed to be consumed. I'm kind of the same with chapters. No, sometimes for me, because I'm just of the same what chap does no sometimes for me because I'm just

so fucking desperate to appear well read and smart because that's what I think will make me a smarter person I'm just like just read

when you can read even if it's five minutes yeah even if it's just consume just get it into your fucking head and even if you don't retain it all

at least you can say you read the book and that counts I fell off with reading at the minute I'm reading very slowly getting through books I've got stuff on the the minute I'm reading very slowly getting through books I've got stuff on the go

but I'm watching Shite and playing Divinity Original Sin 2 I need to do that as well what's it called recommend it to them Divinity Original Sin 2 it was out for a season

and it was apparently fucking class and it's now out on the old Stitcheroo song I'll get that for backstage

tonight er we've had some dad jokes haven't we aye em Stitcheroo song I'll get that for backstage tonight eh we've had some dad jokes haven't we aye your dad is so into

bondage that he committed an act of terror on American soil because he thought Guantanamo Bay sounded pretty kinky your dad

buys tabs and skins and then makes his own rollies your dad wipes his bum with a knife and fork Your dad buys tabs and skins and then makes his own rollies. Your dad rips his bum with an apron fork. Your dad is still being sued by women for his five-year-old fashion endeavour, high heelies. Your dad has two mams in a trench coat.

I think that one's been done before. Has it? I think so. It does feel common. Or maybe it was just a bunch of things in a trench coat. Yeah, because we'll have to do that a bit. Your dad goes to SeaWorld and when the instructors say any question, he goes,

if dolphins are so smart, then how come none of those cowards will play me at chess while holding a backgammon board? That's a good one. Until I've looked at the end. I'll do some post-editing. No, no, I'll do it again. I'll do it again.

Do it again. Your dad goes to SeaWorld and when they ask any questions, he says, if dolphins are so smart, then how come none of those cowards will play me at chess while holding a bat gammon board?

I mean, just leave it in. They'll know. They'll know the second one. I was never going to edit that. Why would you? Your dad loves a hairy beaver your dad doesn't put the tea bag in first

he puts an egg in oh uncracked then tea bag then hot water then he drinks his tea by the time he's done boiled egg

straight out of Sports Direct man it's like a screwball you know when you get a screwball you get a bubblegum yeah it's the council estate screwball I'll have a council screwball You know when you get a screwball You get the bubblegum Yes the council estate screwball I'll have a council screwball please Just an egg

In a sports direct mug of tea Have you heard of egg in a cup? What like It sounds like you don't I got told it was a Scottish thing But Natalie Said do you want egg in a cup And I was like eh

She was like Yeah you just get like Soft boiled egg And some toast And tear it up And just mash it in a cup So you've got like Egg on toast in a cup

Like with bits of torn up toast And like soft boiled egg Egg in a cup Nah What's that Tory shite Tory No it's not Tory at all and like a soft boiled egg egg in a cup nah what's that Tory shite Tory no it's not

Tory it sounds really pov I mean it's new Tory aye what kind of new Tory

nah your dad says guesstimate a lot like any chance you can get it's because people keep asking for

dick pics at Big's we'll give you a guest man guest man your dad is flexing in his passport photo he can just tell

by the vein on his head oh no his arms are in and whenever he gets up to because he's doing fucking he's giving it that

in the photo and then when he gets up to customs he's just like just in case you don't recognise me he's got a

tattoo of his face on his bicep well so that is the St. Louis

episode hold on let's fucking next one is going to be where let's find out together

that's not you googling your own name Daniel that's just typing your own name into your phone which will not give you the results you want there must be an easier way than just going to my own website well we're going to be off for a couple of days and then we're going to be

are you getting it there he's got it up I'll tell you one thing I don't know if this is And then we're going to be... You're getting it there. He's got it up. I'll tell you one thing. I don't know if this is... Maybe just what we're on with, but the internet in Australia and America has not been that great this time. I don't know if something's been going on, guys.

It feels like it's getting shitter. So we're off for a couple of days. So I've got some other work. And then we've got Atlanta, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, Albany, Concord, Boston again, Grand Rapids, Cincinnati, Ann Arbor and Chicago. And then all of the dates available on digestloss.com. You wankers.