Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 3. Mile Kai Club

Episode Date: July 14, 2019

Cream believes he caught Muggins self gratifying on a plane but Muggins has his excuses. Join the boys on their tour of America as they document their adventures from San Francisco to San Diego via the blistering heat of Phoenix.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Go on, you do an intro. You tried to have a wank on a plane today. No, I did not. Yes, you did. That's a shit intro. That's a great intro. That's a fucking terrible intro. That's going to hook everyone in immediately.

Not to Sexty. Like, what's this podcast about? I'll tell you what it's about. Can I try to have a wank on a plane today? A podcast is not about anything it's an array of different things and ideas

and so they're like oh my god this is what they're opening with what's the end of it it's going to be like you tell me what you think you saw

well I think I know what I saw well you clearly don't I was on the plane minding my own business so far true right and I was watching

I was watching Critical Role I caning my own business so far true right and I was watching a critical role right I can confirm this is a fact on my phone I was in the middle seat there was a lady to the left of us

who had large breasts did not notice that oh she did she was very nice I have got a wife and then on my right oh by the way the breasts are

no way related to the accusations well I mean who, who knows? I just protested that I didn't notice them. Which is all good. Right. You're making it right. And then you were to my right, beside the window.

I don't know, maybe just perfect some birds. And you're reading air quotes, reading your comic book. And then I right just at the corner of my eye just go fucking that what's going on

over there and I look over and there's you're quickly closing your iPad because there's porn

on the screen is this genuinely the way you saw it yes or are you throwing me under the bus no I was watching

critical four and then I turned around and then I turned around bus no I was watching critical four and then I turned around and then I turned around right and I was like oh you turned around

because I brought I turned around because you suddenly so you twist so I turned around to see maybe it was a good

bit of the comic you were reading lo and behold child pornography right you got me it's not just own up beast it wasn't child pornography right you got me it's not just own up it wasn't

child pornography it was multiple multiple men it wasn't that's not going to act of various races

very liberal very liberal well you're making the ad bit now but up until that it's all true

you were watching porn on the plane no yes I had my porn open on the plane no yes I had my porn open on the plane I wasn't watching it

I didn't have any signal but it's amazing what you did is you'd loaded it up in the internet like and then when you got to the airplane

because it had already buffered all the way through you could watch as much as you want on your iPad not even on your phone you dirty pie I genuinely

didn't burst you properly would I would be too I was absolutely caught blushing wasn't wanking though I wasn't even watching porn

well why was there porn you were looking at your iPad you were looking at your iPad you were looking at your iPad I think this is

the only way I can get to believe me is if I was caught watching porn I wouldn't have still had my watch is if I was caught watching porn, I wouldn't still have my watch on. No.

I wouldn't own up to it. I'm embarrassed that that's how it appears. Right, so what actually happened, air quotes? Well, I was reading a comic book. Uh-huh. And the cart went... Oh, another important precursor to this another two important things that happened

before the poor came up with the cream you stopped me from watching Critical World at one point pointed out a bit in the comic book

where Margot is eating Alana's pussy when he's eating Alana's pussy don't let us see that while they're in the ocean saga comic books they're excellent

get into them so already you've pointed that out to me but hey look at this this is fucking nice then you keep watching it and I know it's on your screen

there's a bunch of women in bikinis doing some dancing and I get your attention yeah they were doing some game they had something on the back a little fanny pack thing they had a bunch of Kleenex

on the back with a bunch of ping pong balls in it and they had to shake the ping pong balls out of their ass so it was basically just you know

so I just pulled the little face that I pulled like ooh raunchy so that was the build up and then clearly you got a stunning in your loins. You think you got

my blood pumping, did you? I did, aye. Shall I tell you what happened? Sure. The car ran by, asked if you want

any snacks, you took some pretzels, I took a biscuit. I ate my biscuit while reading my comic book. So you played Soggy Biscuit by yourself? You sick bastard.

You can't have a soggy biscuit alone that's just you wanking on a biscuit because that means you win and win you get to come and you get a meal afterwards

yeah so I get my biscuit I eat my biscuit are you just going to do this nah I'm just phoning you I want to I used to

oh she's on a night out as well she'll be hammered she'll get on the podcast she would not appreciate that no she would not so

but I should probably answer it just see if she's okay no no no she's hung up now so who gives a shit God's problem

aye mate watch Jake's there's 7.5 billion people available you'll find another one she's better than anyone I can pull

and if she knows that you've been wanking on planes well just like your own I wasn't well look I finished

my biscuit there was crumbs on my iPad and I wiped the crumbs on your iPad crumbs crumbs

I put the R and B in crumbs no I don't get it it was my man's telling me no

but my base kid my base kid is telling me yeah so there was air quotes crumbs on your

screen there was fuck the air quotes there was crumbs on my screen right and then I used my hand

to wipe the crumbs off my screen uh huh and I switched up my hand to wipe the crumbs off my screen uh huh and I switched up right just just through the

just because it famously the iPad whenever you just brush the screen will just go here's porn of all the apps

well the last app I had open was Safari right and the last thing I saw on Safari was porn

two girls massaging a dude. It's become sex. What are you Googling? I just went on a trail. It was that follow the girl. I followed a pretty girl. Follow the girl.

No, no. Yeah, follow that. Just the trail of like, oh, she's in her. Like, just the trail of, like, oh, she's in that video, whatever other stuff they should do. The final, final work. For the threesome one. Oh.

And then I was watching that. So when they were opened for you, you were watching a man lay down where, like, two girls, like, rubbed their breasts on his bum and stuff. Mm. That was where I was. Rubbed their tits on his bum? Aye.

Can't imagine that. I'm assuming they can't imagine it feels bad. Can't imagine it feels good though either. You don't think so? Getting tits rubbed on your bum. Aye class. Nah.

I don't think I've ever done that you know. Why would you? Aye because I like my bum being touched and I like boobs. It's just, it just doesn't really make, it's like when I like like pizza and I like tits can you shove your tits in my pizza and just burn your tits and get cheese well

well I'm paying and shit but that might be I like pie and I like orgasms can you cum in my pie please like there's no just because you like

two things doesn't mean they go well together no but they're two things in the same fucking ballpark you know or is she just slapping tits off your fucking arse like just to give her

a full body massage with different parts of her body first of all right how what kind of pressure what kind of pressure are you able to apply

with tits well it just feels nice unless she's got a bunch of tubers in there that's been your wrong it's just mission fat

against fat innit it's like the reason you like because why if that was a massage you'd get some guy with a big fat belly

to do that use your thumbs and you use your fingers to put you kind of just replace the big fat belly with like boobs with a big fat belly

and just say it's the same thing try breastfeeding your child with a big fat belly if that's what you're doing if you're just swapping tits out of our bellies these days trying to get down

the belly wang off you're sitting there being like alright I like tits and I like massages so if you rub your tits out of her bellies these days trying to get down the belly wank off you're sitting there being like alright I like tits and I like massages so if you rub your tits on my arse that'll obviously feel good

I think it'll just be weird I think it'll feel like somebody's rubbing their tits on your arse aye class no what what is appealing

I don't think you can even see it I think that like that would be Joyce or she's just getting a fucking sort of a stiff nip up your poop or or she's just getting a fucking stiff nip up

your poop her hole she's just rubbing up against just just feel there's other places there was there would be

other things that would rather that she was rubbing my arse with and there was other things she was rubbing her tits all over

like the bottom of my list of both those the last thing I want you to rub on my arse is your tits no you're in luck

because you're just talking yourself over a ton I don't know I don't know what your problem is look there we are

just think it's a weird porn choice well what do you do what do I do have we talked about this I'm sure no I just watch him

missionary in that right missionary missionary tops on yeah both got their t-shirts on I just watch him missionary in that missionary missionary tops on both got a t-shirt aren't they missionary pants around their thighs

lights are off as well it's just the noises what's the sound of I've done VR porn that's weird it makes you feel tiny it does because the problem

with VR porn I didn't use VR porn I went in and had a look oh I've done VR porn but I've had a wank and it's the reason it's difficult is because

let's say I'm looking at you or looking at something if I want to look from your head I just look straight ahead but if I want to see your theory big fat belly

I don't have them in my head it's just like why are you wanking over me in your VR porn little no no I don't have to move my head it's just like my eyes why are you hanging over me in your VR porn little no no no I'm not talking about how perspective works

so in real life don't use me as your example in real life so if I look down that's I can see the rest I don't have to move my head down to look at your feet

I can move my eyes but in VR because they don't track your eye movement they only track your fucking head movements in order for you to even if you look down

it's not registering you've got to physically move your head down and so it just fucking head movement in order for you to even if you look down it's not registered you've got to physically move your head down it means like you're trying to fuck a giant giant woman like when she's

bending over and stuff you have to scan open down you have to crane your neck to see her arsehole and then go all the way down to see her

puss puss yep and also I did have a rank in VR porn and it turns out if you come in the game you come in

real life I just feel like it's a brave move because like you're not aware of your surroundings you live in a glass house

I do very very dangerous so what I do stone stones no I I like I just leave the leave the door

unlocked and then order an Uber and then leave in door unlocked and then order an Uber and then leave in 10 minutes and then order Uber Eats. Since when does Uber like... Uber Eats. Oh yeah. Uber Eats.

Uber driver like, knock on the door, you're not in, you're just like a friendly neighbour. Yeah, the plane's opening that. Oh, of course.

Well, just a bit, just a smidge. So, just enough that if he sees it, like it's's technically his fault like I'm not an exhibitionist but like if you if he's like I'm just gonna take it with her in and they look at me bent over and peaked down and I'm just fucking that's why I like I worry now again when it be mom and dad's house just in case like if your dad's got a

VR he's put have had a look okay you intrigued with me well no but how take You'd be intrigued wouldn't you? Well no, I don't know about how tech He's in his 50s and that But how tech knowledge your profession is your father? Very much so Well maybe then So I'm just like I used to just have a key and walk in But now I just didn't want to see him on the couch with his dressing gown open I just fucking rip in the heat off it

Just absolutely taking it to the tank Why are you doing this? I haven't got a visual imagination Spoilers It's for absolutely taking it to the top. Why are you doing this? I haven't got a visual imagination. It's pointless. Well, it's for me. It's for the listeners. That's where all of you are just hindered with a disability.

You can picture your dad wanking. Enjoy that. See the videos. Imagination's for pussies. Has your dad got a big cock or did he get that off your mum? I think he's got a big cock.

Hi. Did he ever see it? Aye. That's what we did once. Once? Getting changed into swimming. How was it? I think, in fact, I don't know what was long.

You chewed a can. I was really young, like, fucking dead young. Can't really remember. I didn't make a cheetah cat. I was really young, like, fucking 10 years old. Can't really remember. I didn't make a note of it. What did it smell like? It smelled like chlorine. Which was weird, because we were just about to go swimming. It looked like chlorine, but it smelled like a foot.

Is that your joke, or is that your joke? It's just any joke. It's a really good one. But I love it. It's just any joke It's a really good one But I love it It's such a funny joke I've seen I've seen

My dad's cock I've seen my mum's cock I don't think I've seen My brother's cock It's not since they were like Dead small Because there's like A massive

There's a massive age gap Between you two So like it would be Kind of weird if you had Aye Like if I If I saw my brother's dick Either I really wanted

To see my brother's dick Or they really wanted to see my brother's dick or they really wanted to show me their dick yeah that's the only scenario I totally didn't I think have I mentioned

on the podcast it's definitely in my material from my 2017 show but I I touched my grandad's right yeah

because I had to help him pay his cop you didn't have to well yeah there is that no you didn't have to it was a choice you made you're like yeah yeah it's very it was very much you don't have to ask me twice tell the story to the people that haven't

seen i mean even though everyone's heard the story but we haven't read dad jokes we're back in boulder which we'll talk about in a second we'll talk about the fucking term whatnot you talk about how you uh gave your granddad a wristy I'm just going to let them all make their own joke first my grandad had a stroke alright make your own jokes at home right you're very smart

and you were like and then he's in hospital alright numbed down once the whole side of his body is limp alright he's going through rehab

to get his motion back and his arm he needed a piss right the nurses were busy so he starts take

how did it work he had he had the cardboard cup in his good hand in the hand that was going through rehabilitation was struggling with his fly so I saw he was struggling I was like

Grant I've got this pull his fly down what's your teeth pull rub me boobs on it rub me t pits on his eye just getting your wee man nipple

just flicking it so it gets hard and then just poking it down the what's the non-racist word for the

bit of the penis I'm looking for the what the shaft the hole at the end you think shaft is a racist word because it's

someone else's accent no the hole at the end. Because it's Samuel L. Jackson. No, the hole at the end. It's called a japsy. No, it's not. It's not called that because of that. You reverse engineering it. It's called a japsy.

No, it's not. It is G-A-P-S-Y. No, you are an idiot. You absolutely are a moron. It's college, absolutely. It's absolutely not. It's not called, like, it's not two words. It's, it's, I promise you,

do you actually think it's called, sorry, you reckon old school fucking official doctors, right, like when they were naming body parts, the Latin people, like, they're prepared for your fucking foot, right Latin people Even then the Greek people were like Right we've never been to Japan It's not even called Japan This is what that is

You're a madman Of course it's got a real name And it's not the racist term Wow I was so innocent I don't think you can No I don't think you can claim innocence there.

Don't get me wrong, it's not malicious. It's not, that's the thing about these things. It's like, the problem people have is this is, that would get you cancelled. People are like, oh, can't use the fucking term, because they would assume you just said it with fucking venom and spite. Because you've got, you've never, you know, you've never got on with... That's the name of it now, though. That's just a shame, isn't it?

That's just the name of it. That's the people... Like, no matter how left on, right on you are. I wouldn't be... I don't think I'd be... Obviously, I'd be comfortable saying it in front of a conversation in front of a bunch of people who are, you know, losers. Or Japanese.

I don't think I would. Here's how you know it's bad. If you were with a Japanese person and you were talking about it, would you use the term? Because I absolutely would not. I wouldn't have even, trust me, may not do. Really? Absolutely.

My wife would have never told you. I wish I knew more Japanese people. Yeah, no, I absolutely would. I wish I'd never told you I wish I knew more Japanese people yeah no I absolutely would I reckon be one of those things when just really where they'd know

what's going on you'd be standing there you'd be like aye so I was just just to get a little bit of a pain in my and they go and you're what

and you're like oh you know the and then they go the my eye and you go the what eye the way eye go, the what eye? The way eye. They just call it the way eye.

So, yeah, I grabbed my grandad's cock and put it in the cardboard cup so he could have a piss. It was like, it was all shriveled up. It was like half-mast, the cream was ill. It was like very bottom-mast. Bottom-mast. Like, it was down. Aye, it was down, aye. No, it was like, there wasn't any flesh to it. It was like, there was like it was down no it was down no it was like

there wasn't any flesh to it there was like there was like there was no flesh to this it's good there was like the

witch from the wizard of oz at the end is that the one where she turns into just a pile of clothes I don't know

oh yeah yeah or when jedis fucking disappear yeah it was literally it was literally all the way to nobody's clothes

like there used to be there used to be Yeah, it was literally all the way up to the close. Like there used to be a big strong warrior in there. Looked like somebody had taken all the bones out of a pig. So I popped it into the cup. And then my grandadad and then you said I see you beat then my grandad had a little word

with us about how it would have been better off if I grabbed the cup and freed up his hand you just shushed him and kept a hold of it that was the last time

I ever saw him because he's got the restraining order on he's still alive and kicking alright so where have we been since we've had a swell time

we've had a swell time America is so good I feel like I've had a miss like I don't know what I've because I know America's good because I've been like touristy place but you know now I'm

getting there and they probably won't thank us for calling them more backwaters like Phoenix and Boulder and in San Diego but what people have got to understand is that these aren't places that people from the UK frequent if you're going to save up an amount of money to come to the USA yeah you're always going to you're always going to Vegas, Orlando

Vegas, Orlando or New York is normally like the big the big four I had no idea that everybody back home would get just as much

value for money right if you go anywhere so we started in we started in San Francisco which is oh and I have you know

I think San Francisco's fine the audience were great but it's a city I'm like it's not my favourite US city it's good it's great we went down

there was a pier that we went down we went down to the pier there was some naval vessels we saw Alcatraz so the Golden Gate Bridge Alcatraz which is that prison

that so it's fucking landmarks for days it felt like oh yeah yeah very very very cool in San Francisco there's one fact mind you

I've been to San Francisco like three times before and then this time I posted a picture on Instagram just beside the venue just I think somebody

forgot to tell San Francisco that it wasn't fucking Greece because there was just like all this amazing I've never felt

like such an old man in my life but like appreciating architecture it's such an adult thing to just look at a building going that's nice yeah because I've just

come back from Rome and it definitely had like that essence to it aye it was just a huge fucking that was the palace theatre wasn't it

the garden of the palace theatre had them big pillars and they weren't suspending anything it was just a big massive fucking stone at the top of it was just a big massive fucking stone at the top of the pillar just a big stone thing

but right beside this beautiful sort of leg it was kind of it was very something out of fucking King's Landing in Game of Thrones or Dawn

or Dawn it was fucking beautiful so we really enjoyed San Francisco that was the first day of the tour the audience were great

that's when we smoked that fucking big old that big big joint yes one of our fans hold on what was after did we go

we went back to the no after that we just stayed backstage and smoked split fridges and then we netted and then we got too high and then we went back and then we went back

and stayed up in the room for a bit aye yeah so we didn't really go out in San Fran because we met up with Jamali Maddox

yeah during the day through the day played some arcade games and stuff where I punched Punchbag and missed

yeah and nearly knocked out Matt and nearly so it was so badly timed as well because Jamali had just

asked about the knitting competition and I give him the same repeated rhetoric that I tell everybody who asks about the knitting competition about I give him the same repeated rhetorical I tell everybody who asks about the knitting competition about how you challenged me to make a better than you at anything I put my mind do and I rained off things that I'm better at which one of them being my time yeah

right so I literally just bragged about doing my time and then well as that happened he put a quarter of the machine in my new go first and the thing come down and I just turn on a sixpence and took a swing at it will be like me run And then, as that happened, he put a quarter in the machine and went, you go first and the thing come down. And I just turned on a sixpence and took a swing at it with knee leg, knee run up, knee one,

and knee now. Missed. I was closer to the dude than I was because I swung past it and the dude walked by and I missed. You don't really tell you

to punch all the way through it. You really fucking punch all the way through it. I missed him by a whisker. If he had whiskers, he'd be on the floor don't think you know how whiskers work no you would turn back

you would turn back and go oh I can't get through this case because that is how whiskers work isn't it oh they're there too to see if your body

is going to be able to get through after your body like if you've got whiskers yeah I mean don't like a cat or dog don't say you

if anyone in the box is like that's right guy you said you when you were talking about walking over ponds this is less of a stretch I'm a male em

mate we need to sort out our hypotheticals well you start first when a cat has got whiskers so so when a cat's got whiskers that is to measure the hole that a Ted's going through,

and if its whiskers don't fit in, its arse isn't going to fit in, its shoulder's, right? So it'll back out of that shit. So it's to give a Ted the body, the heads up. Yeah, it's just to be like, oi, this is too tight for you. So if you trim the cat's whiskers,

it'll get stuck immediately. Huh? Imagine if you did get whiskers, just like, you know, you would be a virgin. That can't fit in any of these. You'd be like, hello, hello. Is anyone in there?

Yes. What? Hello, I'm lost. Echo, echo, echo. something funny about an echoey pussy it's like how funny are queefs during sex aren't they

and it's really here's the problem with queefs during sex right is I've never really heard Natalie queef no

no Natalie queef but like you know if you just fucking can't help or whatever and then it's like a wee bit a wee air pocket goes in and then

alright so I think it's the funniest thing about as a bloke but you can't laugh because the girl's mortified there's literally an Adam Sandler joke

about this but the point is it's very very valid you just sit there and as a man you go that's a funny noise it's a funny noise

it's just it like it's a classic joke it's a classic joke yeah like it's a it's a classic joke it's a classic joke and then you're also having sex which is utterly ridiculous by the way i don't know if you've ever watched yourself having sex right but we're all idiots like it's the dumbest thing in the world having sex it's great i love it but it's just when people take sex seriously i'm like it's the base it's the most base level like I've had it

it's hedonistic people have just been like it's this special royal thing I've got to be I've got to be no

it can't it can't be like or you can make love and it can be nice first of all I want to get back to that bookmark queefs

right I've got a queef story right it's pretty good bookmark queef ok so bookmark queefs I've got a queef story it's pretty good bookmark queef queef lemon

the love making thing this is how I'm going to get a little romantic alright cool it's fine I'm

in love now too we can do it you know how no matter how much company you've got no matter how many people

around you you're lonely because you're the only person in your vessel receiving the senses that you're sensing

and that's why you talk about your experience that's why you talk about yourself to share that experience with someone else i talk about myself for money but uh when you're you're just alone inside of your shell inside of your vessel all right and i think having sex with someone you love is the closest you get to sharing where you're both in the same like oh you're both experiencing the same thing yeah in different ways but you're kind of like

it's like your soul's intertwined like I think like that is why people take it seriously if you're just going in

and like laughing don't get on no here's the thing I think I think there's nothing wrong with making love as long as it's 5 to 10%

of the shagging right yeah like it's got to 10% of the shagging right yeah like it's got to be bad do not get me wrong there's something especially if you fuck I don't even know

if I had sex while high while you've poked him high there is nothing like it it's so fucking good everything's fucking nice me and Peggy do it all the fucking time it's real good right

but we make love once every four months and the rest of the time it's just utterly disgusting to preach sex like you just have it's uh like sometimes as well you don't you don't have to pick a lane you can start off making

a little bit of love and then decide and then you can go all right remix and beat drops um all right bend over bend over and bite on this blanket wood i once in a previous life all right on the fucking plank of wood I once in a previous life right made like a seal with my puckered lips

and blew up up the vagina the vagina and I pulled back and it was a whoopee cushion going off and it is a fucking

life hack it kills the mood and probably the baby you just you blow up there and then all you hear is just from the inside just

just a wee burp from the baby but fucking man we laugh so hard and if I was a girl I would just become

a contortionist so I'd just date myself why is it why is it just going down and just blowing yourself up like a woofy cushion I'd just be on a flight

next to you and you'd be like what are you doing not for that job crumbs why why why are they called

queefs no first of all why are they called queefs because that's not onomatopoeic

queef sounds onomatopoeic queef makes it sound a lot more like like as opposed to the

every time every time every time because the easiest thing about having sex when you have a sex with a girl and they queef

it just sounds like their pussy is very unimpressed with you they just fucking have your pussy going

oh this is pish call that dick it's like a horse why do you call it a verp verp

like a vaginal verp yeah verp verp a vart verp I guess a fanny fart

which is fanny fart is good but then you come prumble prumble's one of my to pick I like that

prumble erm rumble in the clunjol Promo's one of my to pick. I like that. Promo. Rumble in the Conjure. Flap my gastric. A Windy Woman. I think we might have Made that well dry Gaseous

Gaseous Like gaseous Yeah A book combined with gash Yeah I'm going to scrape the bowl now A flirt What a flirt

Oh no That's not a word in it Yeah When you draw the line We'll call it a I'm just not Americans like do you

think if you if it was possible for your cock to queef do you think you would be mortified and

want the ground open and if you as some ladies profess some ladies profess

some ladies I reckon they open it if our decks queefed which would you be I think if our decks quaved,

I wouldn't stop doing it. the opening to this podcast would be like a fucking pan flute remix. And I'd just say, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It would be like the orchestral rendition of Grey 2001. Man, man,

if decks, if decks fucking quaved, I swear to god there would be performances at the Sydney Opera House and like the things

it would be very we'd put it as a thing of fucking there would be a festival aye but it gets me quiet mate wait

if we were actually it would be like there was we fucking the like the whistle release aye there was a this It'd be like those wee fucking... Like the whistle release. Ah, the whistle.

Or maybe if you take queefed and you like pulled your foreskin, you know when you blow up a balloon but you don't tie it and you just stretch the balloon lip opening and it makes a fart, and there's a quick... noise.

Just doing that with your foreskin, just pull it really tight. Oh, yeah. What do you mean? Like you let it out of the blue yeah do you reckon there'd be like a Mexico moment as well if you fart and dickqueef

at the same time like something happens well it's like if you pinch the end of it and you dickqueef one of your balls blows up alright

and then backdraft and obviously it depends which ball you blow up because one ball makes girls and one ball makes boys oh yeah I knew that alright that's basic fucked basic level science And obviously it depends on which ball you blow up because one ball makes girls and one ball makes boys. Ah yeah, I knew that.

That's basic level science. That's a really good fake fact. That's why Hitler could only make boys. Did Hitler only have one ball or is that an urban myth? It's like how do we know these things? I'm pretty sure he had fucking medical records. Yeah, he probably did, didn't he? He always had his ducks in a row.

There's one thing... I've told you my interesting... I've told you my interesting fact about why Hitler had that wee Hitler tash, have I? Oh, yeah, for the oxygen mask. Yeah, yeah, for the gas masks during World War I and II. Hitler, before the World War I and II Hitler before the World War had a big fucking moustache left up in a big

Stalinist but if you wear gas masks and you've got fucking around the mouth of the hair make sure that the air does get in and then it fucking stops being a gas mask so you had to shave it off in World War I and II but you could keep a little bit of it

and he really liked fucking facial hair so he kept that one so that's why that little strip people go oh it's because of Charlie Chaplin

bollocks he hated Charlie Chaplin well he didn't hate Charlie Chaplin he had a dog ball with a picture of him on it well he was actually

a big fan of him he drew a moustache on it he was a big fan of Disney he was a big fan of Mickey Mouse loved Mickey Mouse

loved him probably fucking loved him was Disney anti-semitic back in the day I don't know if you Disney was anti-semitic back in the day I don't know if you he Walt Disney was anti-semitic

and I only know that from Family Guy reference yeah that's that's my only reference to him but he was anti-semitic but Hitler loved loved Mickey Mouse

loved movies still doesn't humanise him though no well no no no man there's fucking photos of Hitler with kids. He was very good with kids. Fucking dogs. What was his dog?

Oi. But that's the important thing about all these fucking evil people is they were human. Like, vilifying people was fucking stupid. You go, no, no, no, no, no. Like, Hitler wasn't... Like, he was fucking evil.

But he wasn't... He wasn't anything different for us. Like, we all have the capability to be... Anyone could be that type of fucking horrible. That's the bit that's scary about fucking Hitler, is he wasn't a once-in-a-lifetime fucking bloke. He was just... That could be fucking anyone.

You're giving that kind of power. Aye. So I'm just going to get back on track with the schedule that we've just done. We went from San Francisco to Phoenix. Oh my God. Which, great city, but quickly moved before you die. I have never in my life... So obviously you get...

Everyone kept telling us they were like, fucking Phoenix is hot, Phoenix is hot, Phoenix is hot. And I was thinking, I've been to Dubai and stuff. I've been in the heat. In the same temperature, in fact. It's the wind is gusty. The wind is not... You can't call it a breeze.

It's the strength of a breeze but it's 10 times hotter than the still air yeah so you can be in 40 foot so like um like you know how it can be like it can be like 15 20 degrees but there's a wind chill that makes it feel near a freezing because there's a cut nice wind there's like a a wind burst of heat that makes it feel from like 45 or whatever it is to like 60 when people say it feels like

you're in trouble when people say it's like having somebody follow you around and just blow you in the face with a hairdryer this is literally what it's like

I thought that was just exaggerated yeah like absolute literal go now go put a hairdryer on put it in your face on hot and that's what it feels like

to be a pretty that's just one isolated part of you put it on the rest of you like all of you at once it's fucking insane aye it's em

it's fucking mental that being said er fucking we didn't actually do that much in Phoenix the audience were fucking great we had it interpreted

er we had sign language ah yeah so we had this em er we had this er basically it turns out we had something language. Oh, yeah. So we had this... Basically, it turns out, we had something to do with the show. Cameo on Jessica, where the two sign girls.

So normally when I get my shows signed for the deaf and the hard of hearing in the UK, it's like two special shows during the French, just to give the people who are hard of hearing or deaf the chance to come to the show.

Whereas this one, there was a woman who is deaf and she had to she was like she got in contact with them and she was like I want to come see the show

can you hire people to sign on I didn't know that was an option so Cameo and Jessica came along to sign the show for her they were great

she was great obviously what's good as well with the signing is they're very emotive with it they have got a delivery the facial expressions like kind of yeah yeah express the tone yeah yeah because i thought like oh will our routines

work if it was just the words the way they've written a lot of it has to do with the tone and the delivery the facial expressions and how sales pitch it is done and uh yeah so the the deaf woman had really interesting conversation with her because uh to and Jessica would just be sort of sitting there. Yeah, because they do the talk on fire. Because I didn't know where to look. I was looking at Jessica and saying, oh, could you tell her this? And he was just like, oh, you tell her.

And then I'll sign along. So you talk to her and then you talk to her. When she's talking to you, it's just like I would have Jessica to my right and she was just translating sort of in my ear for everyone else

but I was making our contact with the deaf lady whose name I cannot remember because I'm a terrible person she's not listening but what about it was one of my favourite

my genuinely favourite interactions I was so glad I got a phone it was fascinating to fucking talk to her she was so glad I got a photo it was fascinating to fucking talk to her she was really really interesting

she was so cool she was so fucking she was very very funny and then there was one bit where we did a photo she was like can we get photos

and I said of course you can and Cammy was like say cheese and so we all made the hand sign oh yeah the photo which was I think

just one of sweet moments just one of the purest things I in the photo which was I think just one of the purest things ever done in my life it was just us all laughing signing cheese for the camera signing cheese

after the show signing cheese for people actually we do that in Woodscott it's a cheese state they're very pretty you can buy cheese hats

there's one thing we can tell you about Madison Airport when we get to Madison Airport it's going to be less than two minutes before you just see

a cheese hat Madison is it like that rubbery cheese that they insist on here is it like proper leg oh I don't I've actually never had

Wisconsin cheese because I didn't realise how good your rubbery cheese until you come to America and everything's just like a block of cheese slices it's a British chocolate the two worst chocolates

in the world are American chocolate and Australian chocolate Australian chocolate fucking sucks ass because one it's Australian and two

because it's so hot over there they've got to put in something there that stops it from melting and that makes it more crumbly naturally and the Americans

don't refine their cocoa powder to the same degree that we do in the UK so that's why their chocolate is a lot more bitter and shite. And what were we talking about before we went on chocolate? What was the point?

I just assumed you got tired of chocolate, so I'm going to stop you. He's going off on one. We're talking about cheese in Madison, cheese hats. I don't know, we'll try the Wisconsin cheese, because they're very, very happy about their fucking cheese there but all American cheese sucks a thousand types of assholes

it's literally just it's cellophane it's like the rubber cheese slices you get in McDonald's but a block of them a block of them and it bends like honestly

it's cheesy you can fucking look if it's not if it's not a strong fucking kick you in the back of the throat cheddar it's not cheese like I don't

oh do you not like brie no i can breathe the best i like it i actually i actually quite for the picky i'm looking for sponsorship but i couldn't follow the lead with both both unsponsored so brie please brie get involved or a fucking um port saloon that's a good type of fucking cheese and also whatever the St Augur that fucking blue cheese with mould I love that

I remember eating a full block of camembert myself and shitting myself I love cheese oh hell yeah

see people see people that just like they're like I like mild cheddar and you're like why you just

you just it's like mild cheddar is like water you go right you're getting why you just it's like mild cheddar is like water you go right you're getting something into you but don't pretend

there's any flavour or joy to it like cheddar like with a mild cheddar there's no flavour there's no you're just

you're just chewing something to put in your body do they not like compliment different things as well you know how different wines

and all that probably mild cheddar you probably have with that probably you probably have with no no you probably have it with

gin and red bull oh fucking the other day so this was in this was in Phoenix backstage we were drinking

with with the signers and our website designers and just and the venue staff and the venue staff yeah

just regular just celebrity shit and you we had gin and we'd run out of tonic and there was a literal tap that had unlimited beer in it

and you looked at the half empty bottle of gin and went no no no ignore the beer no I poured the gin I realised there was just dregs of tonic left

I tasted it it was far too strong and I filled it up with Red Bull, renamed myself Darren. Aye. Started playing music out of a speaker outdoors. And went... And just become an absolute redneck.

Aye, that's not... Was it a taste sensation? I bet it was a taste sensation. Was that pleasant? It was end of the session shit. Aye. It was too early in the proceedings to break that one out that's the one you do

when you're like everything's ran dry on the sesh and then somebody finds fucking cans of Red Bull and you die

so that was Phoenix, Arizona very very hot and then yesterday we were in San Diego I'm moving there I didn't want to leave

I fucking loved it I loved the vibe I loved the temperament like the that is perfect temperature to breeze ratio of like I'm on hold

I'm not uncomfortable aye this is like and just such a cool fucking city it's an uplifting city oh it was aye it's just

fucking uplifting like I was just buzzing all day San Diego's immediate I was in San Diego for about less than fucking 30 minutes before it just hit my head I was like next time I come to San Diego for about less than 30 minutes

before it just hit my head next time I come to San Diego I'm making sure we've

got two days off you had to do a podcast I went to log onto a LimeScooter

somebody had left it logged on tell me if I had the option to log it out

I reckon I would have logged it out I wouldn't have went oh sweet I'm going to spend log it out, I reckon I would have logged it out. I wouldn't have went, oh sweet, I'm gonna spend someone's money. But I did rate it for like 20 minutes for free, on their dollar, because I was thinking

they are gonna be paid, but not by the mail, it's by the minute, like 30 cents a minute, or something like that. They're gonna be paying for it anyway might as well get some use out of it yeah alternatively what did you find in the scooter just outside of a shop did you actually i don't know i didn't check genuinely didn't even try to cross your vein until now that they're coming back to me of course you just nicked someone's fucking of course yeah but if that happened they just log out of it immediately they're coming back to me? Of course. You just nicked someone's fucking...

Of course. Yeah, but if that happened, they'd just log out of it immediately. They're not beside it. No, you'd log out of it. I don't think that's how it works. You can, you can log out of it and it would just start

setting the alarm off on me. Maybe they were buying a lot of stuff in there. I was on it for a while, like... So you nicked someone's scooter? Aye. Like a dick? Aye.

Class deal, though. What a better deal. Oh, yeah, and then we... Good fucking, good fucking show. someone's scooter like a dick class deal what a better deal oh yeah and then we good fucking good fucking show Balboa Park

I just want to mention you've got to go to Balboa Park I'm 100% going back to San Diego I absolutely loved it there yeah

and that fucking I think our tradition on this tour is just going to every city we go into try and find an arcade bar and then just meet the fans there afterwards

they'll tell you at the end of the night someone came up to me and asked for asked for cocaine which I did not have right which

when she asked she went have you got any ice I was like what you got any snow I was like do you mean cocaine or both of those things

and she went yeah and I was like because you do know ice means meth and she was panicked like I don't want that sorry do you mean cocaine or both of those things and she went yeah and I was like because you do know ice means meth and she just panicked like I don't want that right I don't want that

sorry Jiminy Jiminy the devil's lettuce I put a little with the Mary Jane have you gotten any black tar heroin so it was like I was quite drunk anyway

and she just I was like oh no no I don't have any like travel every day. I can't really carry this stuff around. I should be coming to you people. And then when she realised there was no cocaine,

she was fucking astonished. She was like, how are you like that? If you're not a cocaine. I was like, I'm in a fucking arcade. I'm surrounded by toys. I'm literally in a room full of toys and everyone's buying me drinks

and telling me how much they like me so San Diego's brilliant and then thought San Diego couldn't be topped fucking Boulder

the only problem I've got with Boulder is we got in at fucking four we went for fucking food and we've just not had enough time here

I haven't had enough time it's like such a fucking chill city you picture like you were going to have a problem with Boulder and you're like my only problem

with Boulder is we don't have enough time here just don't it's such a shame because it just seems like a genuinely fucking cool thing

which is why we're quite on over today I've got really good news for you by the way what we're coming to Denver for two've got really good news for you by the way what we're coming to Denver for two days off it's just down the road

if we do have the like fuck we need to see more Boulder vibe it's like a half hour taxi 40 minutes aye maybe we should do that when we're yeah because we've got

the two days off in Denver I just wanted to I want two days off in Denver just because I really like fucking Denver as well plus it's not on the two hour so it's an extra city just to go to

oh see oh that's not a bad show maybe we will come back to yeah this place it seems really cool

it seems a little bit crimeless I know it's probably not I know every place has it's underworld it just seems a

little bit like perfect it's the first oh no I was about to say it's the first American city where was about to say it's the first American city where I haven't seen

a homeless person I was like oh no no no you saw seven that's just less than all the other cities I saw one

and he just came up and shook me hand didn't ask for change didn't have any shoes on the struggle's real bro hang in there

that's what happened yeah it was he saw you neck he thought I was he saw your neck on a scooter I was walking around with a pair of boxers in my other hand

yeah because this is the I brought you and I just for dinner for lunch but then I checked the map

and realised how far we are from the ocean it came from and I've been so paranoid like I it's not like when I was in Serbia and I had octopus

having see through it in like like landlocked European cities that are not you know in the EU what we're about to become don't have stuff there but no man everything fucking seems the primo in the EU yeah what we're about to become right don't have stuff there

but no man everything fucking seems fresh yeah but I just had a bit of a panic before I had to answer Dina Fart it was very robust

very dry Boulder for me is probably one of the places if I would never move to America but if I had to I'd probably do Boulder just because it seems very chill

and also it's got the same vibe I get from Scotland which is this place is never getting bombed like when World War 3 kicks off nobody and I mean nobody is bombing Scotland like Russia, China, America, North Korea whoever fucking involved none of them are going

did Glasgow get hit at all in the blitz? no that just looks like it because now I've got questions no man we just don't we're not they're not going to be like

oh 5.5 you know those 5.5 million alcoholic skirt wearers can't get rid of them they're dangerous fuck that

no Boulder feels like that like if you're going to destroy any part of Colorado you're not just going to stop and destroy Denver why would you bomb Polder

it's so weird as well that you go oh no I don't know I think I'd like to be that far from the coast I live in London when have I fucking been to the coast

it's so weird that you have that I don't need the coast I like the fact that there's also loads of snowboarding places the coast could be a holiday I haven't really visited

on holiday I wish you'd come here apparently this is a really good state to snowboard in as well yes I was chatting to the Uber driver

about that to have good winters here I didn't realise Aspen was so close is it do I know of Aspen from Dumb and Dumber

yeah alright maybe we should do in the Rockies but he said the Rockies weren't the best spot for the snowboarding I think

I think my plan is we should do a snowboarding holiday at some point next year but what we should do we'll just do Altitude first or in fact

we should start so yeah people can start no no no saving now for Altitude hopefully Altitude's next year

it's not fucking confirmed yet but probably is going to happen we'll do a live podcast there to happen we'll do a live podcast there for sure we'll do a live

podcast there it is out in the Alps in Vienna if people want to come I will start fucking it's going to be towards the end

of the season so like you can get Christmas out the way in the new year it's normally somewhere between January and

April normally yeah nothing's confirmed in yet I'm going to go ahead in yet I'm gonna go ahead and start preparing for March aye

and then come and join us and come snowboarding with us all week we should we've got a show to do in a bit

so I'm just gonna oh shit yeah I've gotta go on stage in a minute right so I'll go through two dates no dad jokes today

because we're lazy go fuck yourselves and we've done literally thousands of them erm dates no dad jokes today because we're lazy go fuck yourselves and we've done literally thousands of them em em em

em em em em em em em em

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em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em em m m m m m m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m July 14th, we're in Salt Lake City. And then on 15th and 16th, we are in Vegas, not performing.

We're just going to be in Vegas. So if you see us there, feel free to come say hi. But we are going to be very, very drunk. And just drunk, I swear. And then July 17th, Minneapolis. July 18th, Kansas City. July 19th, Madison. July 20th, Chicago.

21st, my return to Indianapolis. And yeah, if I can come to the show follow us on Instagram and Twitter to keep up to date and to blah blah blah blah blah blah would it be

would I have to delete this if I said if anyone listening in Vegas can get goodies get in touch I would say that

and only that don't delete that don't well don't delete that. Don't delete it. Just stop talking about it. Aye. Get the memo. Aye. Wait for another.

Oh, fuck it.