Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 4 Concord: King Ding-a-Ling

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

Two high boys recap their week of cancelled flights, lost luggage and bowling shenanigans. Followed by our new monthly feature "The Passive Aggressive Prize Draw"                 

Good evening, pod suckers. I feel like that was a shit nickname, but it's not worse than Beliebers. So, you know, there's the bar that was set, and I think I barely glanced over the top of it. Welcome to just a regular Monday episode. We are up in New Hampshire in a place called concord and we um we got high and then i'll be honest like the first 20 minutes of it like there was lots of like lulls in the conversation just because we were at different stages of stone but then we sort of found our groove halfway through and then i feel like we had some decent chat there like I laughed a couple of times uh and then and then I think it ended

very passive aggressively um I think my my co-partner uh decided to uh do something that I'm not fully comfortable with us doing uh I don't stand by his decision I think it was quite vindictive um and a form of marketing, guerrilla marketing, that I don't know if I can 100% stand behind. But it is what it is. We'll see how the rest of this goes and what the feedback is.

Enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. Enjoy. Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Am I really low down? I feel like you are beneath me, yes Do I look like I'm sat on the floor? I feel like you are beneath me, yes Power hungry

What? Power hungry Me? I'm an underling No, I'm just beneath me Power hungry What? Power hungry Me? I'm an underling No I'm just Beneath me Take that

What you are It could be sexual It could be sexual You don't have to take it You don't have to take it As an insult You're the master You're the king of spin

So you should be able To turn that into a cult Yeah You've got to drill this Always like Donald Trump He says the same stuff See this is the spin Now I'm Donald Trump he says the same stuff see this spin now I'm Donald Trump's

we've had a rough couple of days I think not rough don't like man take into consideration what's going on

in the world right now and have some fucking perspective you've lost your luggage for a day Jesus Christ but I mean with no perspective

oh right okay aye you know if you didn't look at the whole scheme of things if you just if you just

really self-involved aye it was a rough day on them on that level of perspective oh well we tried to get to

Pittsburgh um and then our and last time on the tour in America our flight to Pittsburgh Was delayed

And we had to go directly From the airport to the venue And then walk on stage And then This time We were in Pittsburgh It got fucking delayed again Thank God

Neil was there Oh we would not have made The Pittsburgh gig Without a 12 hour dash Absolutely not No I wouldn't do You know me I don't

I don't queue for things And also I don't fill out forms you could offer power hungry only power hungry because I go and I'm not I'm power content

pay for services one of them services is fill these forms out please alright go do this to be fair I don't think I don't know

I don't know if we actually if I actually pay Neil for all the stuff he does I do feel like he does go above and beyond the call of duty so many times To be fair I don't think I don't know I don't know if we actually If I actually pay Neil For all the stuff He does I do feel like he goes I feel like he does go Above and beyond The call of duty

So many times Aye I'm talking about the sex He's hot He's hot in it I'm still I'm talking about the sex now He's hot in it

Aye Aye And his arse Aye His little bottom He's softly Beating hard Softly beating heart.

Softly beating heart? Is that... That's kind of romantic. Oh, because it just makes you sound like he was weak and he was ill. Like if you have a softly beating heart, you're like inches away from death. He's worth his weight in gold, but I mean, that doesn't weigh much. It's making him seem

like he's saying yeah, tiny with a soft beating heart. That's how I kneel. No, he's being fucking amazing.

It's just very good to, you know how we used to, you know how we used to like, whenever you complain about stuff,

people go, this, or you know That's What's the fucking phrase People use Like your diamond shoes Are too tight

Can I tell you How comfortable My diamond shoes are At the moment Neil's back on tour It's one of those moments Where I used to always Complain when he wasn't there

And that does sound like Just a spoiled thing Because you know When I'm like Oh I've had a rough Couple of days We didn't have to deal With any of it. Right, we missed

our flight. We didn't miss our flight, our flight got cancelled. Right. Our flight got cancelled. It said something very racy. Aye, yeah. We're not allowed to talk about what it said, but it was hard, hard G's. Soft

R's. Aye, and rolling the F somehow So anyway The flight was cancelled For whatever reason It's got an induction Induction Injunction

Super injunction Are you just letting me Keep you going I thought you could end I thought this was going somewhere I mean I didn't I didn't think That's a lie I didn't think it was going anywhere.

I'm going to try and excavate this conversation. Oh, God. The flight was cancelled. When we got there, eventually the luggage didn't turn up. And we eventually got a different flight instead of the cancelled one. We eventually got our luggage. We didn't have to deal with any of it. Neil just done everything

Aye And then we got to the fucking gig And we had to go on stage in trackies I've never felt fucking scummier In my fucking life I've never felt so comfortable I felt like you seven years ago Aye aye

Don't get me wrong I am an absolute I don't know if anyone's been noticing this If you watch the video podcast But I am a Recent Convert To the Trackies Yeah

I think I had a pair like years and years ago And I wore them all the time And then they got ripped And I was like I shouldn't buy any more of those So you've never worn trackies I didn't even know that about you

You sit watching the telly With your jeans on Wild Oh no Jammy bottoms Ah fair You know me I like onesies

I'm a man of class. I need to be aware of... Is your thing off? Or did you just speak really quietly there? I haven't had a sound. Oh, there it is, aye. Okay. Just weak voice thing, that's all.

Oh, I've just spilled cider all down me crotch. Do that thing you usually do. What? Oh, I see. I see. I've been trying to spread rumours about you, haven't I? Well, that's all you do. I try and tell people that I will have such a laugh on tour.

Like Danny, when he goes in to get scanned. I hate this bit. When he goes in to get scanned, every single airport, when it does the full body scan and, like, the x-ray bushes around him, he pret in to get scanned every single airport when it does the full body scan and like the x-ray whooshes around him he pretends to get

electrocuted he's like I gotcha to the staff at the airport never gets a laugh never gets a laugh no one knows

whether that's true or not people forget he sounds like him never gets a laugh but I'm getting joy out of it no it's like you're just being your own Andy Kaufman it's just your own weird I'm going to laugh But I'm getting joy out of it No it's like you're just being your own Andy Kaufman

Shusha and weird I'm going to freak people out With my weird lies Cara does the same to Cullen What she gaslights Cullen I'm not gaslighting you that's not what I said No that's what you said Finally he admits it

And it's on record. You heard it, folks. He admits he gaslights me. Cara absolutely gaslights Colin. And it's very, very funny. Because the pair of them are fucking mean girls. I was going to say the reminders of the mean girls. Man, they are.

The plastics. Just a bitchy pair of cunts around the house. Like anyone else, when it's them two in the room they just fucking bitch about you in front of your fucking face we've both been slaughtered by them when it's just the pair of them absolutely they do when i'm there and i call i call them out and i'm like i call them out and i'm like it's so fucking obvious because like when it's just them two at home they're going at each other constantly like in a friendly way but when i come back i'm like you're just trying to act hard in front of each other like it's just them two at home, they're going at each other constantly, like in a friendly way. But when I come back, I'm like,

you're just trying to act hard in front of each other. Like, it's very, very obvious what you're doing. They're showing off in front of their mates, aren't they? Aye. Cara's rumours that she spreads about Cullen are that he puts pepper in his tea. Ah, is that a rumour? I've had that one.

I had that friend of his. And I just thought it was, aye, whatever, Cullen. He's a bit backbiting no it's Colin was having a cup of soup because he's a

fucking pov cunt and it's just he just he just lives in a different way and he was putting

some pepper in his cup of soup and Colin was like that's that's your tea you're putting that in your tea you are

you bald cunt fraud what other ones does she have about him just a lot of shit I'll come back You're putting that in your TUR. You bald cunt. Fraud. What other ones does she have about him? Just a lot of shit. I'll come back and she'll just be screaming at the top of her lungs and then he'll be over there being bald trying to defend himself. I just, I don't miss home is what I'm trying to say. That other one that I, last season's rumour that I spread about you

was that when we're in the car and we'll listen to the lion king soundtrack when it's the hakuna matata track hi and we're singing along like hakuna matata and like which is already one of the lamest and then danny just loves the bit where he's like when i was a young warthog When I was And I just like I just step into the singing and all that And just let him have his little moment When I was a young warthog

Loves it What do you like? Spread that Aye Do you think you do it to Make yourself Feel more powerful Since it's actually you that's powerful

I'm angry I'm a power trip That was about power Back to power again You want to be a god I want to be You want to envelop I fucking am

You want to envelop the cosmos And just become an all seeing god But you're stuck With your mortal flaws If you could eradicate One animal Off the face of the fucking earth That's your first act as God

Your cat Just because she kicks the shit out of your little Fucking rat dog You slapped my little rat dog What? Can we talk about how I really miss Peggy? I mean if you want to I kind of communicate

and then I'll talk about how much I don't miss Peggy well that's the thing I feel bad because like I keep saying I miss my dog but I didn't say I miss my wife yeah but oh sorry that's what I thought you meant I talk to my wife every day Aye

We keep in touch with each other And now what's going on With her And now her head's up Can I get that with my dog It's like going away But with my phone Aye

When it comes to your dog Do you not Does Natalie not put you On the FaceTime to her Aye Aye Does she recognise you I think Natalie puts Like a bit of jam on the phone,

so that she slips after it, and I'm like, oh, I think this is about me. You feed your dog jam? That's not what happens. I'll do a bit. It actually happens. Is your dog the arch-nemesis of Paddington the Bear? Paddington likes his marmalade.

Peggy's just like Nah I'm out I'll get the jam Fucking pretentious twat That's still one of my favourite Gareth Waugh tweets It's just the Jam's fine But marmalade's for toadies

Aye And you go That's 100% true Toadie babe Aye Leave some fucking Orange skin in it please I just want my face

To turn and say Dude at one point I don't think I think it's been Genuinely I'm going to say Leave some fucking orange skin in it, please. I just want my face to turn inside out at one point. I don't think, I think it's been genuinely, I'm going to say well over 20 years since I tried marmalade, but I guarantee my palate has not changed enough for me to go, mmm, fucking wet, citrusy jelly spread on a crunchy toast. Those are two things I like to get there

crunch and just wet jelly it's like the worst bit of fucking tomatoes in a sandwich it's how fucking soggy it makes the bread

do you like that nah I don't it's always just the fucking it's like a damp wet fucking wet bread wet bread

do you want to dip it in your teeth no but Callum does Callum's still working plus do you want to dip your toast damp, wet fucking wet bread. Wet bread. Can I dip it in your tea? Not my calendar. Can I still work in class? Can I dip your toast in your tea? Fucking Lord, what do you do? Would you dip a Kit Kat in a tea?

In a hot beverage? I don't see why not. I don't know what I want. Load the weapon I always wanted you want the chocolate to stick to the clothes when it lands

keep that shit up I always wanted to do a sketch where like it was like one morning like there's this couple

in bed and the girl like she wakes up early and she like sneaks out the room she goes downstairs and she pops the kettle on and she puts some bread in the toaster and like she gets a flare and she like sneaks out of the room she goes downstairs and she pops the kettle on and she

puts some bread in the toaster and like she gets a flare and she puts her little vase and you know she pours the tea stirs it makes a whole knife

puts butter on the toast the toast goes upstairs and then it sneaks back into her bedroom and the man's in the bed and just throws a hot cup of coffee in his face

and starts eating her toast always wanted to do it but I was just like man there'll be somebody out there that that happened to and the second that person comes forward that's not as funny anymore domestic abuse is still domestic abuse when it's on the man aye

and that's always the thing that's why people get offended by stuff. They go, that happened to me. You go, oh yeah, well that's why it's not funny then. Like the funny thing about, the reason my thing was funny is because it didn't happen. And like imagine this happened. It's close to home for you, wasn't it?

Aye, we can suspend our disbelief for a second and pretend it's just funny and look at it from a certain angle and enjoy the scenarios without the reality of the whole situation. God, I feel like we've turned into fucking Joe Rogan. Should we film it now?

Can I make a call? I want to make a public call right now. I bet you, right, within the next fucking four years, Donald Trump will go on the Joe Rogan podcast. I'm shocked he hasn't already been on there's no future where that

doesn't fucking happen right and Joe Rogan's entire defence will just be like and be like man I was just like hearing everyone's opinions and I'm like I know but buddy that does come with responsibility he can't be the most you don't need to record it you don't need to air it.

Get on out. You've got to challenge people on their lives. I know you're just a bloke, man, but you're the most powerful... You're the greatest podcaster of all time. I know you're not a journalist, but you've got a little bit of responsibility to occasionally have the morals of one. I don't know.

I'd be embarrassed if you listened to this imagine he's subscribed and he goes like three quid can you check the Patreon page and just make sure

Joe Rogan's name's not in there and then he's like oh I can't wait to see what content these guys have got on early access and he listens to this

and he's just absolutely crestfallen he's like oh my boys It's a very Tory word crestfallen I like the word crestfallen I don't It feels like it comes from a fucking Just a ranker time

Only if you use it like Earnestly But like using the word crestfallen Like a bit Feels like the etymology of it just comes from fucking like nights. And fucking it's got so much to do with houses. Yeah, you've lost your coat of arms or whatever. It's just something that's pesh like that.

And you're like, oh God. Different, worse times. What else do you want to talk about? I did have some stuff to talk about but I can't remember I always think every time something happens on tour

I always think I should just take a note of that for the podcast oh no I'm not going to do it but I am going to have that thought

for the foreseeable future we're on with just some like conversation points because there'll be there'll be tons of stuff that's happened where have we been since the first the last podcast I don't know Just a little bit of paper on With just some like Conversation points Because there'll be There'll be tons of stuff That happened

Where have we been Since the first The last podcast I don't know The last one was in Atlanta And then we went to Indiana Oh yeah And we went to that

Like kind of Bowling alley But it wasn't bowling It was duck bowling Duck bowling Duck pin bowling I'm not making this up. Yeah, I'm making this up.

I was there. It was like the fucking, the pins were on strings. Yes, that's true. Where did you get the word duck pin from? That's what Brad said it was called. Oh, then I think he got you. Duck bowling. There's no way it was called duck bowling.

It's fucking duck bowling. You're a fool. I wonder what you heard. I'm not. You are, eh? It was called duck bowling. It's fucking duck bowling. You're a fool. I wonder what you heard. I'm not. You are, eh? It's called duck bowling. It's a hundred... Fucking Google duck.

I will not. Google duck bowling. I don't need to insult my Google search history. So tell everyone what duck bowling is. Bowling, it's like smaller bowling. It's like mini bowling. So smaller ball, more like a shot putt i'm gonna say it's about distance of 10 feet

and all the pins are little rubber duckies and you've got to yeah you've got to knock the hats off their heads before they eat all of the bread so yeah we both won a game oh you fucking you know how you got his last time look if you're keeping up with this ongoing saga

of Daniel being shady with his tactics in bowling you'll know you'll know used his best friend card to make us miss me shot when it was neck and neck

this time round he kept kept flicking me heel, kicking me heel, but just very gently. I remember you gasping and grunting with this and lying to us. And I was like, you're not allowed to touch. Like, I get it, right? Get in me head. Get in me head, but no touching. It's like the strip ass getting their head. But no touching like the strip that's getting ahead but no touching god there's so many wrong ways to take that that could be that that's one of those jokes

that can be as cruel as you like it's like Reiki massage. Getting ahead, but no touching. And it was down to me last shot. You took a good one because you got a spare, so you got another shot and you hit another pin. Or two. And I needed a strike or a spare, and then a good shot to win. And I got the spare, all fair and square.

No, Brad fucked up. Can't be spare grills Brad was in the fucking leagues And What he actually fucking did Was He had three shots left And he was like Yeah this was the second game

How'd your horses I won the first game Yeah the first game I'm talking about the one you won Oh right okay I was going to take my shot I was going to take my shot For my last one

So I hit the spare I'm going to get double whatever this is All I needed was two pins Two pins It's just there, it's a short one I just need to chuck it I could roll it So I just come up

I was taking my normal shot He made a massive fart noise Just before I left my hand And I fucking Actually fucking How'd I get into the gutter I fucking What

Like I was like I'd hit a banana skin And he had Fine You weren't touching You weren't touching Oh man I think that worked

Three or four times Because you were getting Really angry about it You're like Why are you playing like this And I'm like Why do you let that work? It's fucking rotten.

Who? It's rotten. Someone stopped. Speak up, thrown you through. Just like, oh no, was that me? Have I shot myself again? Still not a frog. It's the African

barking spider Aye And in the second fucking game The reason you won Was because Brad had three shots left And he only had to get five fucking pins So he gutter balled the first one So that he could hit it with

And then gutter balled the second one And then was just could hit it with... And then gutter balled the second one and then was just going to get like fucking six down with one ball and then win it. It's like, I don't need these two. Knocked down two. It just cut right through the middle of the balls. It was like... None of them fell by proxy.

But anyway, you fucked up. But I still beat you in that one and that just meant I wouldn't have won it. So we've won one each. so I'm the reigning champ is I think what we've gathered from that oh sure thanks man

so that means something to you yeah it does it does current champ king ding-a-ling oh oh god so wait wait wait

if I win do I get that title yep oh fuck alright okay good to know he just kind of threw out the gears Do I get that title? Yep. All right, okay. Good to know. He just kind of threw out the gears and just let me whack around being King Ding-a-ling.

Who wants the nickname King Ding-a-ling? Well, there you go. If you want your fucking nickname to be King Ding-a-ling, instead of being, I'll change it in my phone. King Ding-a-ling. Because at the moment, your name in my phone is, and I can't remember. Oh, in a car is King Dingaling? Your name in my phone at the moment is Boopa PlayStation Mug Bill.

What? Aye. Boopa. Yeah. So I think at one point, you could, like, PlayStation Mug's my middle name. And I can't remember what that was after. And then there was another time where you just went, so, Boop-a-bill,

let's see if I can excavate this fucking thing. So right there, the middle name, I guess. Aye. I didn't get why Boop-a. Me neither. I think somebody, I think Paddy said,

call me, like he'd got a Boop-a-bill, there was a joke with a Boopabill and you can call me Boopabill. And I went, all right, I will. Or Boopabill and and then like months later I think it was when you were you bought the Playstation game twice and then complained about it to Playstation and was like oh I ran a marathon I was tired it was on Twitter

it was for everyone to see we started getting loads of fucking comments because people were telling us to fuck off I got hit by trolls hard because I was thinking about oh I ran a marathon

I just ran a marathon I wasn't thinking straight we love us Tiff none of my friends have their real names in my phone I think

where's I Collins is Scrappy Doodle Dandy no idea why can't remember what that's about Gareth is Obviously we're friends with

Wonderful comedian from the Daily Show Ronnie Cheng And Gareth was the Occasional fan of a little bit of Burger Sugar Ronnie Cheng Ronnie Cheng What did you tell me Ronnieonnie chang was in today

yeah ronnie chang's in shanghai and the ten rings yeah and he's in godzilla v king kong that's amazing all right because i mean it's yeah i mean he's very very big and successful now he's also he's in a Disney he's in a Disney Plus show he's in like you know you remember fucking Doogie Howser like it's the thing

that made Neil Patrick Harris famous when he was younger okay like it was like Doogie Howser was just like this fucking child or teenage doctor

who knew everything and it was played by Neil Patrick Harris while they're really doing it on Disney Plus he's in that oh he's in that oh he's fucking

massive over here he took me and Natalie for surf lessons in 2014 are really doing it on Disney Plus he's in that oh he's in that he's fucking massive over here he took me and Natalie for surf lessons in 2014 it was really good I love him he always takes me

for really really good Joe Rogan's listening to this now going why couldn't the time be like that he doesn't even subscribe. He waits until Wednesday to listen to me. Joe Rogan's like...

Joe Rogan's kind. All five foot four of them, just Fs. I can't believe he's still listening, actually. Fucking hell, man. Can I need some milk? Oh, my God. still listening actually fucking hell I need some elk oh my god I'm like

man I can't I you kill things with a bow and arrow you fucking run up to them you gallop up to them on all four paws

you touch your primal side you just leap on them bring the elk down by their neck you just bite onto their neck I get it man

I tell you what I'm currently enjoying do you follow Dave Longley on Instagram? Aye. Dave Longley is currently despising... There's this guy called Liver King. Yes, I have. Right, and it's just this fucking big,

steroided-up, horrible, beardy American cunt, and he just eats raw liver. That's his diet. He's always like, we've got to have Neanderthal diets because like our Neanderthal fucking relatives they ate raw liver and they were the best apex predators

blah blah blah pseudoscience, pseudohistory all horse shit he's an incredibly good Nick though he is aye, and that's an incredibly good Nick though he is aye aye and that's because of all the steroids

he takes yeah yeah yeah like you don't get those abs from you can say it's liver sure that's I get the point

I'm just saying it's noteworthy to say that he's a fucking remarkable man man he could man

it's impossible with one hand with one hand he could like pop my head off like the, like, you know if you're trying to get the lid of toothpaste off

with one hand. He could physically do that. Just fucking thumb my head around enough that my neck just snaps. Like he would make a short meal of me. Sounds like he thought about it.

And then he would eat my liver, right, and then take some steroids and be like, look what the liver did. Yeah, this is all daniel's liver yeah you know that tiny 95 kilo man 95 kilo i wish oh i don't know way more than i did two years ago though oh you got got crestfallen last night when I typed your name

into the you know when you're searching for photos aye because we're having that thing where I typed in dog and loads of pictures

of me dog come up and I typed in wife and new pictures of Natalie come up and luckily I had no pictures of Natalie aye and then

we clicked on your face because it was like pictures of Daniel aye on the photo albums and we're scrolling through and he was starting going,

look how skinny I look. Look how thin my face is. I had the jawline because it's not only the fact that I still have my fucking pandemic belly, but I've also got the alcoholic's neck now.

You know, that just comes from fucking swelling booze so often. It probably comes from tack and shit. It probably does. If you're fucking drinking and all that and chatting on, I bet your neck doesn't work.

The more you talk, the bigger your neck. And that's, you know, and that's what drafts are the fucking Jabba Joseph nature. They can't shut up. It's because they can see way more. They've got more to gossip about. Fucking blind twitchers. Leaf twitchers.

What do you reckon giraffe tastes like? Probably like quite stringy. I feel like it'll be like stretched muscle. Thanks for asking. Any other questions? I think it'll be like stretched muscle wear. Giraffe. Do you want my honest critique?

No, I'm just curious. Because I've eaten crocodile. I've eaten kangaroo. I've eaten piggy. I've eaten kangaroo. I saw you. I've eaten piggy. I've... I've eaten your nails. Aye. Oh, man.

You've seen that Paul Scholes thing? What is it? Is that his daughter? Aye. I saw him as he, like, sucked on someone's toes. No, he's biting her toenails. He looked like an adult daughter.

Aye, so I think his daughter's, like, 20-something. And he bit her toenails off, like... No, I think his daughter's like 20 something And he bit her toenails off like No I think he was just biting her toenails Cause I mean I don't know why Paul Scholes Paul Scholes Biting his daughter's toenails

Why is he doing that? Why is he doing that? Like don't get me wrong It's weirdly fetishy I understand right The concept How do people Nab with this Because she filmed it

Clearly Right so she She's Fucking posted it up there I understand that people are like I would do anything for my kids and of course you would do anything For your kids but why that That's like

That is doing anything for your kids we go all right but why that that's like that don't even know that is doing anything for your kids but why is that happening who picked it and like what's like gross like this is from somebody like man when i was a child i used to bite my toenails all the time because i could i was bendy and gross and the boy I used to think that if you had a bath for 20 minutes it was totally fine hi and they were like you got a little slick steep you gotta steep your toenails before you bite them I did it did he do that with we start as Tony and said he began in like crunch I think he went through the shoe I'll do it the days

grind on their toenails but like what genuinely what's a valid reason to be biting your daughter's toenails I've been thinking about

this all day what's a real rational like that's okay that's not the creepiest grossest

weirdest thing right you're at fucking gunpoint by like a weird fetishist

right he's like how many followers do you have on instagram right so you're a good you're a good point they're like but you don't ask toenails and you're like i don't want to get shot right that is and as well like even in that scenario, it's only going to escalate just killers now. Just killers now before the toenails, because I'm not going to let you fucking crank it up

until I'm shagging my daughter, so just killers. Right? So even that is not a good enough excuse for biting the toenails. What would be a good time? Like, maybe, like, she's... Like, if it's, like like an ingrown toenail right and it's

and she's in agony and like it's like it's really painful and you can make it stop by what buying a toenail this is a fictional scenario

no man covid like the hospital's like we're not having anyone with sore sore toenails coming in today it's a waste of our time

you still don't need to use your mouth there's other options there's not the shop's closed like she doesn't

well you haven't got scissors nah they lost your luggage and you're on holiday

and she's about to go down to the beach where it's sandy you can't chew the sand on that toenail

no this is before she goes to the beach I don't think that's a good enough reason to bite the

toenail I agree with you I agree with you Why was he doing it? Why was he doing it? Should we get him on the podcast? Could we? Should we ring him?

Should we phone him in? Aye I just Yuck If my son ever asked me To bite his toenails I'll fucking chin him Okay

Did you ask like Well She must have done Because I just kind of Come up and dated Unless that's why She was filming it And she was like

Right this is like A weird thing my dad does Aye My mam used to dig Out my blackheads What If I had blackheads On my nose

She'd get in with her fingernails And get the blackhead out for us Oh that's not Great And I would get rid of the blackhead I can't do it myself Why? I don't really have fingernails

My mam has She gets the blackheads out It's just very It's very primal It's very like That's your seed That was a nutrition It's a groove

They got me hair All the ticks With me hair We Had impossible burgers today Yes And I don't mind them at all I don't mind them

If you don't know what the Impossible Burger is, because Cara's a fucking idiot, they are like the new vegan burger where it's the closest to meat that it's ever been. They've been able to replicate the juices of meat. Using vegetables. Yeah, Matt Kirshen has a very, very, very good joke replicate like the juices of meat. Using vegetables. Yeah. Matt Kirshen has a very, very, very good joke that I hope he doesn't mind me

quoting one of his favourite bits. He's like, I'm vegetarian and they're coming up with this impossible burger and they keep advertising and they're like, it bleeds just like real meat. And I'm like, I really think you've misunderstood what I missed about meat.

It was never about the blood it was about it was about the flavour that would be like hope you enjoy the new flesh

like it cries after you fuck it it's Matt Kirshen he's a phenomenal phenomenal comedian we should catch up with him on Wayne Alley as well he messaged us too see you first catch up with him one way in LA as well

he messaged us too see first time I met him I was I was starstruck by Matt Kirshen yeah because he was on um

boob tube whatever that's called he was on rude tube and he was he was Ed Byrne's support act so when I got to see Ed Byrne

when I was about I think I was about 14 or 15 I saw Matt Kirshen there and he was also on like all the old things I used to watch on Paramount

comedy channel like Comedy Blue and Life of John Clues oh yeah that was the one that Mike Wilmot hosted Comedy Blue I liked that

I saw Glenn Wool on that Gav Webster there was there was really really good ones Paramount did have a lot of good fucking stuff

so that's where so I watched a fair bit of Matt Kirshen's stuff and then the first time I was down doing, I think Jongler was down in London and I was staying with, oh pardon me, I was staying with Julia Chamberlain. I was just, she was like who's your favourite comedian? So I was like well obviously Ed Burton and I love so and so and so and so and I said Matt Kirshen, she was like you like Matt Kirshen? and I was like yeah who doesn't who is this

that you're talking about Julia Chamberlain yeah right cool and she was like I can introduce you to him and I was like oh my god and then Matt's just like I meet him

and I'm like oh I'm so nervous to meet you and he's like why why that's so funny that's really cool that's a good story

because Julia Chamberlain knows she books all the junglers gigs yes she's been in comedy for ages funny that's really cool that's a good story because Julia Chamberlain knows she books all the junglers gigs she's been in comedy for ages and her opinion in comedy

really really matters so she was the one that convinced me to stop gigging in Tracksuit Bottoms did she because I was gigging

in Tracksuit Bays all the time sweatpants for any new yanks out there yep and welcome all the new yanks I saw the latest patrons have been in dollars have they there's quite a few yanks out there yep and welcome all the new yanks I saw the latest

patrons have been in dollars have they there's quite a few yanks getting on board now good I wonder

look because I feel like the patron episodes are especially like the fucking deep end for them because like on stage you slow your accent down

aye I mean you still get it wrong I remember watching you in a I think think Estonia and I was just like

there's still some words I'm like, man, you don't, they don't know that word. Yeah. Like, you've made an interesting choice. You've chosen a colloquialism. Like, I saw Luke Benson doing gigs in Finland one time, and he was saying, my lass, back home. Aye.

And he was talking about his lass, and I could tell the audience weren't laughing at the bits because they didn't know what it meant by his lass lass and then nothing

so he just like if he just reassured them that it was girlfriend em and then he came off stage and it hadn't

went that well because they didn't understand it and I just pranked him and I went up and I was like dude lass is like

the Finnish n-bomb. It's like really fucking derogatory. And he fucking, the colour drained from him. He nearly went back on stage to explain it. I was once doing a gig with Keith Farnan at the Newcastle stand, right? And Keith Farnan's one of those those he's one of those compers where they're just excellent man, whenever he's doing

his bit, like his audience interactions are very good he's very good off the cuff yeah, right he's smashing this he's talking to this couple there like people clapping smashes it, goes to the middle

talks to two guys there, smashes it talks to a family there, smashes it goes to the middle talks to two guys there smashes it talks to a family there smashes it gets round here last couple before he brings on the next act right

and he goes what's your name and she goes my name's Rachel and he's like okay make some jokes and he's like

who you here with she goes that's my boyfriend and he goes what's his name and she goes Ross and the whole audience

is like no way no fucking way ross and fucking rachel right and it just doesn't sink in no it's a sitter but the thing is we're and he's roasting them and he's making jokes and he's being funny and they're laughing and we're all going oh man he's delaying it like he's building up like it's there it's going to be we want a break

let's reference yeah yeah exactly he's delaying this this is going to be such a huge fucking payoff and then he just brings Lauren Patterson on

and I think she referenced it gets a huge fucking round of applause might not have been Lauren I can't remember but it was oh another story similar to that one was you know gets a huge fucking round of applause might not have been Lauren I can't remember but it was oh another story similar

to that one was you know Steve Raskopoulos yes right so he does a fucking really really good improv show

called The Bear Pack with this other Kiwi comic yeah in London no no I mean they do it

at all the festivals they travel with it yeah yeah they've done it in Edinburgh they've done I mean, they do it at all the festivals. Oh, they travel with it. Yeah, yeah. They've done it in Edinburgh. They've done it in London. They do it in the Australian festivals. It's really good. I went to see them live once in Melbourne

and they're doing this sketch where, well, it's not a sketch. They're doing this fucking improv thing where this guy loses his, one of the prime ministers of Australia I don't know if you know this

was just lost at sea I did not know that it was one day why he'd be the prime minister no no no it's weird right he literally

every morning he would wake up and he would just go into the sea and go for a swim and then one day he did not come back wow

right yeah and he's still not back no oh so just one of the prime ministers got washed away yep never found his body emiliano salah i just disappeared and here's the worst thing they named swimming pools after them no like non-ironically this is not ironically or maybe it is it's the odds it's me with their mate they've got a sense yeah maybe it is it's the Aussies maybe they've got a fucked sense of humour maybe it is it's what he would have wanted

bit of bit of fucking laughter what was my fucking point what was it you were saying this the Steen Rook of Scotland oh yeah yeah yeah

right so he's doing the show with Carlo Ricci right and somebody shouts out this Prime Minister's name so they want to do a sketch

about like his son going to Atlantis to try and find his dad, and because he's the son, everyone says to him you've got your father's eyes, you've got your father's eyes, whenever he's talking to his mum or his gran or fucking whatever, they always say you've got your father's eyes. So then at the

end of this amazing, hysterical 50 minute fucking improv sketch, Steen is 50 minute fucking improv sketch, Steen is finally, oh no, no, Carlo is finally playing Steen's dad, like the guy's dad, and he's sitting there,

and he's blind, and he's acting as if he's blind for the entire thing, and just fucking, Steen never picks up on it. Like the guy's, Carlo's just pretending to be blind, and Steen's just,

and Steen recognised that Carlo's pretending to be blind, and Steen's just... And Steen recognises that Carlos is pretending to be blind, but he doesn't get the joke. He's not taking the fucking lay-up. And it goes... And was he meant to pretend to be blind as well? Because he's got your father's eyes? No, no. But that's why the father's blind,

because he literally has his father's eyes. That's the fucking joke. So, obviously, fucking Carlos came up with this joke halfway through the show because he's gone right I've set this up this is an alley-oop and they've got such brilliant chemistry in every show that's always a fucking layup after the show I'm drinking with Steen

and I'm like man you didn't get that and he's like what and I go he's got his father's eyes and man he was devastated oh man I think he nearly went home like we had to

talk him into staying like he was just he was like fucking no that's my bread and butter like that's this is the thing I'm exceptional at

and he I'm like man it was so good like the audience I don't think necessarily fucking saw it but oh man

just em the Julia Chamberlain telling us that I shouldn't wear trackies is because she said for the first couple of minutes of your set everyone thinks you're a character act and then they start realising that no that's just you. Yeah that's

actually what you dress like. I mean I can hardly fucking tell. That was hard to hear. So we're getting tracks again aye so we went to Pittsburgh good show oh

right Pittsburgh he said you were going to do this aye and I'm going to fucking do this he's been rehearsing this I've heard him in the shower that's why I was listening

when he was showering Pittsburgh we've had a lot of fun in all of America even that's what I was listening to when he was showering Pittsburgh we've had a lot of fun in all of America it's not the bit and the main what you're about to say is very important it just doesn't make any sense

it doesn't scan as a bit it's not the joke. It's just an unnecessary interruption. Okay, I get it. Point taken. Everywhere we've gone, like obviously we've got to travel. We cannot travel with marijuana because we fly every day

and I'm not doing that. So what we need you to do is fans. Is it like an urgent appeal? No, it's not an urgent appeal. It's a retrospective. You failed plea. Everywhere we've gone, they've been like, oh, yeah, here's an edible to take in the airport tomorrow,

just before we get in. Or here's some weed to smoke now. There you go. Great. And last year, last time we were here, I remember at least three people dead good, we go on stage are there any podcast listeners in?

at least I'm going to say 70 of you were like woo we do well you're fucking liars either you do listen to the podcast and you don't fucking listen you listen to it but you don't hear what we're saying or you were just

you're not even watching this now and I'm calling out no one and I think it's that one I think Americans just like cheering I think you gave them the option to shout woo so do you think

a lot of them pretended to listen to the podcast yeah because like man listening to the numbers the numbers of the the numbers of people

that listen to this podcast the numbers we do do not like they they're like it's at least 300 in every podcast, the numbers we do, do not. It's at least 300 in every audience. It's like, we do. We're like, well, mathematically, that's not true.

Because I know there's 5,000 always more than on the Podbean. What? 500 patrons. There's still quite a bit. You could get quite a few in each gig still. 5,000 is not... Enough to scatter like 30 odd people in every gig. I think it is.

No. I'm telling you. If they listen to the podcast, they're coming to the show when we're in town. Aye, but man, we're in at least,

we've been to at least 10 states so far, right? At least fucking 50 of them Have Been at each show So that's 500

So that's Fucking 10% of them There's no way 10% have come to see us already I just don't buy it I think people are full of shit Anyway Pittsburgh The point is Do you want to be the new Spain?

Is that what you want? Huh? You want to be the new Adelaide? Is that what you want to be The new Spain Is that what you want Huh You want to be The new Adelaide Is that what you Want to go down Because that was also The day we needed it The most as well

Because we were stressed Because all of our stuff Was cancelled We stunk We did We absolutely Fucking reeked And then we had a

Flight to Oh we went to Albany? Albany's weird, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, That's haunted, that place.

There's just such big architecture. It's like, It's also the capital of New York and then you get there and you're like, oh, no, it's not.

Nah, what happened is, New York, New York City, ruffled Albany's hair and went, you can be the capital. Aye. We'll have all the stuff

just let you let me be King Dingaling aye man if you wanna be if that is do you think Albany thinks it's King Dingaling definitely

because New York City is letting it be there's nobody there man there's nobody there and then when we did find a bar it was the most eclectic

bar it was so fucking diverse man it was the most it was the fucking cantlectic bar it was so fucking diverse it was the fucking cantina bar from Star Wars it was everywhere from like full on republicans in suits who'd come from a wedding

people didn't expect to find out work in men's clothes to gangsters to brazilians to a bridal party to a black soul group to just do a couple of comedians from England and Scotland aye

we just added to the tapestry of it I think there was like like bearded hipsters bearded hipsters old oh there was an old couple just an old pensioner couple sitting having drinks together

and then there was like people out clearly on their first there was an albino like it was just i was like man that like there's not many people in albany then we've come to the one bar that's open and you're like okay this is yeah not many people open every group of people comes to it yeah or an ambassador of every group of people uh Aye. It was wild because it was like, even like you look over there and it looked like a couple of blokes

who would have played darts. Yep. Like you'd expect to find like in a Wetherspoons or something. And you look around and you just kind of, it seems like everyone, I was going to say everyone seems out of place, but nobody seems out of place.

I think I felt, well I didn't necessarily feel out of place, but nobody seems out of place. I think what I felt, well, I didn't necessarily feel out of place, but I was like, I do feel like a foreigner because this is really into me. You couldn't feel out of place in there because of how out of place everybody looked. Aye, but no, but I think,

no, no, no, but that's, it's a paradox. No, but I think that's the thing about America, and that's why, I mean, I always say it on stage, which is like, man, that's one of the very good things about this country is just how Diverse it is

And also how normal Diversity Like is Like don't get me wrong There's absolutely Problems with it Right You know

But It's so commonplace And Regular For a place to be Fucking diverse And You know

Aye Aye It's one of the I was about to say One of the few things I like about this country But that would would be this genuineness, there's many things I like about this shit country. So I only just felt like it was pure haunted. There was like no one in the city and then we found that bar. And that was last night, wasn't it?

Aye. I was smashed, man. Well, you, I turned down that shot for a reason, man. Aye, you c coward pussy. Nah. It doesn't work on me anymore. I'm beyond toxic masculinity now. Yeah, I'm high above the clouds.

I am awoken. You're trying to spin tapenade. Nah. You can goad. You can tease. you can try and provoke but I'm just so emotionally mature and comfortable in myself and my masculinity

if somebody buys you a shot you'd rather just get out I'll not take shots with you I'll not indulge in that social endeavour no if it's fucking bourbon if you actually want me to enjoy an ending shot you buy me a lemon drop if you actually want me to enjoy an ending of a shot you buy me

a lemon drop I will shoot a lemon drop because lemon drops are delicious

and it's designed to be shot or you can maybe shoot a jam donut those are

also fucking delicious I'm not shotting fucking 75 mils of bourbon I'm not

shotting vodka you shake the vodka yeah I'm not I'm not that was a

fucking breach Of the Geneva Convention That though Getting us shots of vodka That's not on that Aye That's fucking rude that I'm not

I'm not shotting vodka I'm not shotting bourbon I'm not shotting tequila I'm not shotting sambuca I'm not shotting anything I'm 31 years old I've I've

I've Tapped out already Yeah No not tapped out Just I've done I've done Man I've fucking I've done man I've fucking I've got all the medals

from my 20s right more than most got like a big fucking scout sleeve you didn't see me tapping out when I was 31 you kind of fucking

put your name on the same you were poor and shite until you were 29 you kind of put your fucking name on the same hat as me if you fucking tapped out when you're 31

no not tapping out when I'm 31 I'm just going no no no knowing your limits isn't tapping out chasing pointless stuff that you're 31 no no it's happening when I'm 31 I'm just going no no no knowing your limits isn't tapping out chasing pointless stuff

that you're never going to catch up to chasing a high that doesn't fucking exist just enjoying yourself on the night out I was telling you I was having a night out

just to need the extra drink extra drink would have made me not enjoy the night out because I would have been there for at least seven minutes going oh

and then I would have been too drunk and then I would have laughed at some of your shiter jokes and i would have been too drunk and then i would have laughed at some of your shirter jokes and i would have felt guilty the next day so much i joke hi it's always my big regret some people wake up the next day like oh god what did i what did i say what did i do did i piss off i'm like oh god did I make did I make Kai think that bit was funny like Cara does

with every bit I do oh the greatest thing about I know I've said this many times but the greatest

thing about Cara being any comedian is that the comedian will always take me aside be like man that Cara she's

she's something special there's something about her she's just so oh she's great i love her so much i'm like yeah do you want to know what you like about her the fact is she laughs at fucking everything that's it there's a fucking anything and she will cry with laughter because she is a simple simple human being and she's and that's why she's the best and i don't again i don't say simple as a fucking insult i don't mean that she's not capable of complex thought i mean she's just happy most of the time because she's uncomplicated yeah our friend greg kelly he laughs so much at what you're saying because he's just happy you feel confident around him and cara's got that as well cara just

laughs at any fucking shite Oh Any shite Aye Aye That's why Cullen and I get on It's the only place they can find common ground Did you write any dad jokes or are you a failure? I did I wrote dad jokes Yeah Before I do that though

No no I was just making sure We've got at least fucking Aye we're going to do a giveaway Five minutes to... Oh, yeah, this is your horrible... So... You're gaslighting the regular listeners. I'm not gaslighting the regular listeners.

Right, so what are we doing then? Well, you're being very passive-aggressive. Do you think we should do this draw on the first episode? No, no, no. I just want you to explain to the listeners what you're doing. And I just want it on record that I think you're being passive-aggressive. No, I'm just highlighting what the perks are. Okay, sure.

So when you sign up, there's a perk that if you're in Tier 2, you get entered into the draw for a prize. If you're in Tier 3, which is your dad's, you get entered twice into the draw we enter you twice and you've signed up to it like a good dad so what I'm saying is there's that draw

that we do every month last week it was a t-shirt this week we're doing your signed book and my signed book so we're doing the draw on the regular everyday podcast But then hold on There's also I'm going to do a draw including everybody in tier 1

Because We've got 500 patrons So I want to give everyone a chance to win something So I'm going to buy each of them a piece of merch Okay each of them So I'm going to draw three For 500 plus patrons I'm going to buy each of them whichever bit of merch that they want.

Okay. Now that my merch is finally available, apparently. It will be by the time you make your order. Okay. So I'm going to do the draw now on the Monday. So for all of you that didn't didn't subscribe to Patreon you could be part of the fucking

top bowler man it'd be a bug welcome to the fucking meat raffle guys if you want to be part of this incredibly

nail biting exciting thing that you I know some of you are at home going I wish

I could enter it now if only there was a way to instantly enter this competition. There isn't. You missed your big chance. Goodbye, little bitch. But no, no, no. You can be part of this excitement next month

when we do it again to piss the rest of yous off. And also, we're very aware that people only sign up for a month because the Patreons aren't that good. They're not better. This is how we're going to do it. I'm going to randomise a number, and then I'll put numbers next to all the names. Oh, right, okay.

So what's this? Number 207 has won. Oh, okay. This is for the merch. So I'm going to do a few of these. Okay. So 207. Yeah.

You've gone past it, you stupid cunt. Is there. Terry Bernard. Oh, he can't win. He comes to a lot of our gigs with Justin. Does he? Because that's a Tory name, so I don't know if he can win. No, he's Scottish.

Oh, that's even worse. He's not a Tory. Terence. He can't win a Tory because he's called Terence. Bernard. Bernard's very... You know what? You because he's called Terrence. Bernard. Bernard is very... You know what? You can buy him a fucking shirt.

Right. So write that down. Write that down. Oh, no. This records it, I think. Right. And 80. Did you say this records it

while we're recording a podcast? No, no. I mean it records what numbers have been called out so I can look back at them. What does that say there? How you got your sunglasses on to read that

scroll up you'd have come that's 89 Matthew Salmon Salmon Salmon Salmon Salmon

Salmon Matthew Salmon Matthew Salmon Salmon Salmon I hope you like Salmon too so

I'll just have to watch this back To find out Who it was In 462 Oh that's fucking miles away And you could all be part of this This could be a longer More arduous process

If you all sign up To the picture There's someone called Carla She's the only one who put Carla down Carla Aye Then she doesn't win Two names of

Is this somebody there Called Dildo I didn't know Let's have a look Where did you find that Fucking 464 464 I saw someone called

Dildo with a Y Dildo why Because I had a Y Dildos Is anyone still listening Because this is going to be The draw

This is going to be The draw for the signed books This is such Amazing content That there's absolutely No way that the people Not involved in the draw Haven't already turned off the episode

Or skipped through to the Dad jokes because they're like well clearly None of this is interesting It's 361 Which is Which is dad jokes because they're like well clearly none of this is interesting it's 361 which is which is Brett I'm going to have to spin again Brett will send you one anyway

yeah you don't get to win 807 God if it's me it's going to be very embarrassing Jacob Jacob Wenman God if it's me It's going to be very embarrassing Jacob Jacob Wenman No no You're a horrible cunt You've just

You've just I read out the cell number Instead of the number of the thing Lachlan Fuck I'll just send it He's smoking out So the actual winner Is Lachlan Georgie

Lachlan Georgie Lachlan Georgie Aye And who Jacob Wenman Aye You both won Aye you both won Because Kai's a fucking idiot There we go

Look at how good we are To our parents Aye Really connect with them And we've got real chemistry With them Right Are we doing

dad jokes now aye your dad's cartoon crush is Clifford the big red dog your dad

has a zipper on his pussy your dad dropped his gay card and couldn't afford a

replacement so that's why he settled down straight with your mum. Tragic story. He's looking forward for years.

Man, he lost his licence. He couldn't practise the gay arts anymore. You've got to have. That's why they have the tests and stuff. You can't just have unqualified gays out there. That's not... Show your papers. Oh, no, don't. No, no. No, that makes them the victims. No, that would not... Show your papers Oh no

Don't No No No that makes them The victims No that was No That's what he said

No You've turned the bit around It was like a nice Like oh they're mysterious And now they're Now they're Jews I remember the The girl at the hotel

That thought I was a gay Jew Can you not remember? No. She was telling us both about breakfast, right? And she was like, if you come down, there's bacon and sausage and all that. And then she just looked at me and went, oh, there's turkey if you don't like pork. And then we went to the lift and she went, oh, in case you need this, because apparently there's not been shower gel on some of the things,

and she handed us one bar of soap. What was this it was in the hotel after the pittsburgh gig when we'd lost our bags it was the last same because there'd been a little bit of a fucking kerfuffle in the lobby with the people behind you okay um so you're being very nice to her and all that since she dealt with it really well Aye And then And then she was like Aye she went Oh just take me If you don't like pork

And then she was like Here's a bar of soap For the pet And all that And then you went She thinks you're a Jew She thinks I'm a gay Jew Your dad upcycled

All the toilet roll He wiped his bum with This year To dress up as a mummy For Halloween Your dad's childhood dream Was the toilet roll he wiped his bum with this year to dress up as a mummy for Halloween. Your dad's childhood dream was to play centre-back for West Germany. I don't know if that was the evil one.

I think it was like, no, that was like when they were just like, you know, your dad would have been like in the 60s and 70s. He would have just had a good football team. Your dad ran out of money the moment he realised you can buy and engrave your own trophies at the Cobblers. Your dad chipped his tooth, sucking his teeth like a rude boy. Yeah. Come out in his poo. Put it back in. come out in his poo put the bag in when your dad was getting his eyes tested and the optician asks if the new lens

is better or worse he just guesses because he can't tell your dad waters his plants by taking water into his mouth and then dripping over the leaves like a mama bird. And I guarantee that after listening to this podcast, now so does Natalie. Your dad coward punched you off your bike

the first time you got going without stabilisers. Always be prepared. I wasn't wearing a helmet man you gotta teach them one way I wear a helmet wear a helmet

or be a helmet that's what he always used to say every time he card pushes off me back done aye fuck off