Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 4. Planet 13

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

Muggins and Cream are happily coming up on edibles from the Apple Store of weed dispensaries, Planet 13. With two days off from the tour they've flown to Vegas for some party times. But first, this podcast.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

And you don't have to fuck around with a laptop? Fuck around with a laptop. You have to press a single button and then we're ready to record. It's a very simple and efficient... I always have to do the heavy lifting with that. Heavy lifting? When I'm this high.

It's in a button. When I'm this high. Is this the start you want to the podcast? You want it to start with us having an argument So that our children, our beautiful children Normally we argue in private That's how that works I'd like a dick

No I'll look like a prick They didn't hear all the racist slurs you were fringing about before About Scottish people I met every one of them Calling us haggis wogs and what not I am brew jockey Aye I met every one of them. Calling us haggis, wogs and whatnot. I am brew jockey. So we are in Las Vegas. The Vegas. Is that what Las means?

No, it means girl. Girl Vegas. Lad Vegas is somewhere else. I don't know where to go now because I want to see male strippers. Well I do, but just for tips. Just watching them professionally now. See what I should do. Just aesthetically looking

at male strippers just to see. See what they've got. So we've got... Oh, we had a matching sock on. Did you see that? Did we? I just took my socks off

and noticed one of your socks is the same as the one I just took off. Oh, this is prime, prime podcast content. You interrupted my explanation of the story to let them know that we were wearing the same socks.

This is abysmal already. No, no, no. I'm setting up a list. Are we in the same socks? Oh, no. That's it. We've got the same. It's also not the same socks oh no that's it it's also not the same socks actually they just

they both have the same colour on them no no the same one because they're they're right this is this is starting to get terrible content

it's starting to it's been a shit show not since not since the OG listeners suffered through the Amsterdam podcast

have they had to sit through shit like this. Oh, there was one that was way worse than the Amsterdam podcast. We did one in Belgium where it was so high. I remember I did release it. I still have it. Oh, yeah, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 30 minutes long.

We're just halfway through it. We just went, nah. This isn't going up. So, you know, bear in in mind some of the shit you've heard we'll put up sometimes we have actually

saved you from our high banner and the reason we're high is because planet 13

marijuana is legal in Nevada so we went to a place called planet 13 and we were in the

taxi the guy was like this is the apple store of marijuana and I was like, this is the, he goes, this is the Apple store of marijuana. And I was like, all right, I've heard that in a bunch of places. And you just walk in.

And what it means is they've got white lights and they've cleaned the floor. Yeah. They've got a menu. Aye. They're like, it's the Apple store. You're like,

all right, okay, fucking, we'll see what this is all about. It made the Apple store look like fucking Primark it was next level it was really really good there were screens on the ceiling

there was displays happening on the ceiling so you walk in and if you want to just browse you can just walk around and browse and see what sort of

whether it's edibles whether it's smokes whether it's THC whether it's CBD whether it's like bath bombs bath bombs were there you know it's funny

the bath bombs were in two different flavours it was birthed flavours flavours what do you do with bath bombs

flavours what do you not do ok I'm not going to waste in the bath do you think it's like do you think

bath bombs are just big baroques? And you just get into the bath. And you just start to, whoop, whoop. Bath baroques. They've not done those. I think that's what these must be. They must be bath baroques.

No. The bath bombs here. They must be bath baroccas. No. The bath bombs here. They must be... But let us get a point across I was going to make first. The two different flavours. You know what I meant. Smells, textures, whatever the fuck.

Again. Again. Smell. I was back on board. I'm like, yes. People buy bath bombs for the smells and then you just lost it again. Who the fuck gets a bath bomb for the fucking texture?

What are you talking about? It feels like strawberry. Oh, this one, it's just, it's very limey. Oh, the smell. No, no. Just the way it feels. Oh, no. No.

Someone help. Help. It's bubblegum. It's bubblegum texture. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I can't get down. It's in my hair.

It's in my hair. Anyway, the thing that's written on that, that I meant to have the essence of. Aye. Smell, is it smell? Yeah. Yeah, I would's, yeah, I would say, no,

I think it's just, the diet is, essence, maybe I'd give you. It's got to be smell. No, it's the ambience it creates. But you kind of create like a,

because that one, that one's birthday cake. Like, it's obviously going to be like, sweet smelling. Right. Right? This is the point I was trying to make. And you've got to blow it out.

I gave him two one each I think I think he thought we were bathing separately because we did only ask for one he's giving us what a fucking homophobe

we should go back and bat at him it's homophobic that guy was quite clearly gay as well. That means he's got a read on us. What do you mean quite clearly gay? I mean, he was looking you up and down. Oh, nice say.

What he actually meant was he dyed his hair blonde. He was kind of softly spoken. And lovely and friendly and nice. Beautiful. Aye. Right. And my gator was going off the radar. he was kind of softly spoken and lovely and friendly and nice beautiful right and my gator was going off the radar

but his his gator was going off what I'm saying is he knew that we weren't one of his people right we were he looked at the clothes

we were in I've got a coffee stain on my white shirt I'm wearing it with that macho body language posturing right I was going out just wearing

just fucking Nike shoes he's like these are two very heterosexual boys and he decided to give us the two separate ones despite the fact

that we have a lovely lovely big jacuzzi which we're potentially but this is the two we're going to call them flavours they're not flavours they're not flavours but that's what I'm going to

refer to them as you're the reason people eat Tide Pods remember that one? Well, that's... Wow. Me? Yeah.

Well, no. You and your type of people. Oh, thank God. I thought you just meant me individually. No, no. Like a spearhead of that campaign. Well, you won't let me see your new messages on your phone. Maybe you have.

I don't know what you do in your spare time, apart from Nally. So, the two flavours. I'm trying to get this point across. There's only one flavour. They're both birthday cake. No, no, no. Not only one flavour they're both birthday cake no no no not that one

they're both birthday cake right so the first one birthday cake the other choice of flavour was cedar wood that's like they're polar opposites

there's not like there's no there must be smell then because like you're definitely not getting to a path for the feel of cedar wood the taste of cedar wood

no again it's never been flavoured it's stopped I bet wood. No, again, it's never been flavoured. Stopped anything. I bet it does taste one. Absolutely not. That's why they have genuine fucking signs on it.

They're like, I guarantee within less than five seconds I can find, please do not fucking eat this written somewhere. Which we find out it's just called a bath bomb. Oh my God, it doesn't actually say that. Oh my God, it doesn't say don't eat it. We could sue. Oh, we're in sue culture? Imagine that was a fucking thing that would just bury Planet 13.

Oh, good man. That is... Oh no, yeah, sorry, we should get back to Planet 13. Yes. So it's a fucking really, really cool store. You walk in there. At one point, just before we were about to leave, after we bought all this stuff, I want to get back onto one of the other

things I bought because I'm a proper cunt for doing it but I want to live that life before we left our guy was like that's really bad

it's pretty cool I'm going to do it alright so this guy just as we were about to leave he was like alright okay

make sure you don't miss the drone show and we were like I don't know whether at first I just thought it was like the gay version of Welcome to the Gun Show

when he was flaked two tickets to the drone show two tickets to the drone and then he just flies away yeah you're going to miss the drone show guys and then just Fox News comes on

it's just footage from the Middle East wow cutting satire from Humphreys This is footage from the Middle East. Wow. Cutting satire from Humphreys. Unexpected. What's the other side effects of the animals? Oh, it makes you very political. I have got news for you.

Just being in touch. Go on the bathroom. Have we actually lost the full thing of weed? What are you talking about? This isn't content. Sorry. I'm scared have we actually lost the full thing of weed what are you talking about this isn't content sorry

why don't we do the podcast well I'm back to the podcast I'm paying attention now so the drone show was five giant light up testicles flew through the sky yep

and danced a bit they kind of got into formation and they moved and changed colour in formation it didn't seem like anybody was like

driving them no so it felt like these were five giant spheres that had like fans on them that you weren't meant to see

but you could see basically drones just going around doing lots of formation dance so it's clearly like a computer program thing

in perfectly the same height yeah yeah which is for me that's why I was like it's 100% computer programming That's something Making them do that

To go around In a specific order At specific heights But the one thing That really fucked me off Is the guy was like You can't smoke anything In the ear of the store

And don't smoke In the parking lot outside Have a nice day And then you stay For the drone show And you're like I only want to watch The drone show

From high Why am I not Sober watching this This would be Why am I not sober watching this? This would be amazing. Who the fuck is watching this sober? Like it's, unless everyone that works in the store. Can we talk,

can we talk about science a second? We can, well, sure. Dad, turn off the podcast. You know how the drone was? How high do you think the ceiling was?

About 12 foot. Aye. So the drone was sitting. Much higher than 12 foot. Yeah. 30 feet. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, much higher. So let's say the drone was flying much higher than 12 foot yeah 30 feet yeah okay yeah much higher so let's say the drone was flying at 25 feet all right it's 30 feet off the ground to the ceiling where we're stood right and it goes over but then it goes up to one of the booth things which takes up like 10 foot how does that not then because i'm just assuming it's blown down like a helicopter how when it goes over that counter it doesn't just go up an extra an extra well probably I would assume it just

oh because the thing at a certain height you're not pushing you're not pushing off from the ground at that point you're pushing off from the other air

yeah below you yeah like that's why if you're under a fucking helicopter we're all not like just getting our fucking hair dried

just having your whispering lessons yeah no at that point it's just pushing up from the air. Maybe because you wouldn't have felt the draft under one of them. Under a helicopter, you'd feel the draft because it's reaching you. But if the helicopter was all the way up there, proportionally, you wouldn't feel the draft.

Now your dad's like, that's the right lanes, Kai. Well, no, I think if anything, he's like, yes, you've just repeated what Daniel said. Correct, Kai. Kai well no I think if any is like yes you've just

repeated what Daniel said correct Kai it's like you can't just you can't just say what I said in a different accent

and be like ah that's the whitest thing you've ever done nobody's ever thought of that just immediately

after it comes out of your mouth fucking snake steal your ideas oh I think that animal's kicking in. Oh, kicking in? Oh aye. It's kicking my arse. I'm alright. I've been down for a while. It's been emotional. It's been good. I wanna get, because what did we buy? Oh that was the other thing we bought, yes. So

what we bought was a grinder obviously. He's walking around the room. For later on. Sorry, I've actually lost the real meat. This is just the edibles here. Oh, you've lost the actual bud? I think so. Can you put it in the grinder? This isn't content, I'll find out later.

Wait, do you want us to pause this? Yes. I think that one. Sorry, back at Seoul, the one thing I also bought, which is real cunty but I don't give a shit, is a 24 karat gold cone cake size, which for those of you who don't smoke marijuana, it's essentially like a cone that you shovel your ground up marijuana into and it becomes a big long fucking blunt, but it is, as suggested, 24 karat gold. Why? Because I had asked for that and I just thought it was a brand no it just I saw it and I was like

that's such a cunty cunty thing to buy and only fucking assholes would buy that what kind of dickhead would buy a 24 karat gold and I was like

oh it looks amazing it does but you're probably just going to smoke probably around the corner somewhere

behind a bin I thought you were going to be like fucking balling around the party with your spliff because you're a

fucking skanky back alley because despite the 24 carat gold joint I do not have a 24 carat attitude like

as much as I could and I'm probably well within the price range oh actually not but like fucking smoking indoors here is what? Like probably a $500 fine?

Well, I'm not sure. They were letting us smoke indoors in some of the venues. I don't know if they're just being decent. No, no, no. Oh, you can smoke... Oh, you mean in the hotel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can absorb the fine?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what Dave Chappelle fucking does, right? Dave Chappelle... It's just not right. Oh, no, no. So Dave Chappelle famously just goes to gigs and he's just going to smoke on stage, right? That's just not right oh no no but so Dave Chappelle famously just goes to gigs and he's just going to smoke on stage right that's just what he's going to do yeah they're like it's you they're like it's you're not allowed to smoke on stage and he goes

would you mean you're not allowed and they go well we get fined he goes what's the fine they go in the name any number he goes cool I'll pay him and then he smokes on stage because he's fucking Dave Chappelle I can't afford to have that attitude. So as much as I bought a 24 carat fucking gold joint, I'm not risking smoking it in the room. Like I've not got

that type of money. My agent will kill us. I'll get bollocked. I'll get in proper trouble. Yeah, I would probably have a word. And rightfully so. What are you doing fucking smoking

the doors mum it's 24 carat it's 24 carat gold that doesn't make it better you've not it should be good it should be good

to me as well your ma would be kind of disappointed in you as well and I'd just be like oh but he's just like he kept being pushy about it

just stand up tell him not to give him a bit of guidance that's the way he's going steer him away from it no I think my mum under any circumstance would ask you to give me guidance

unless she wanted rid of me and she did want it to look suspicious is that enough of a podcast 15 minutes is that all we've done fuck it feels like hours don't say that

in front of them can you imagine how long it feels to them if that feels like hours to us this isn't good content no alright well let's talk about

where we were where were we where did we do the last we we did the last podcast in Boulder oh no we've only been one place here's why so we're bringing up

this podcast because we're going to try and go back to the Monday Thursday format that we did before because now that we're actually on the road we should probably

attempt to stop being such lazy cunts and have them you know you can expect them you can be like woo it's Wednesday night

it's Monday it's hump day but you know what's happening tomorrow we're going to cream but also but also but also please don't do that

whoo nope get out of bed early because I'll get up earlier have the podcast hidden in my back pocket so we're going to we're releasing this one

two days after the Boulder one just to sort of get back we have just been to Salt Lake City which is fucking weird it's the opposite of Vegas it to the format we have just been to Salt Lake City which is fucking weird it's the opposite of Vegas

it is the literal opposite of Vegas em it shuts on Sunday because it's more so for those of you that don't know Salt Lake City

it's in Utah Salt Lake City Salt Lake City it is the Mormon capital of the world it was where Mormon Mecca it's Mormon Mecca

it's where Mormon was invented probably and that obviously means it's Mormon Mecca it's where Mormon was invented probably and that obviously means it's closer to Sunday because Sunday is when God goes for his nap

Mormonism is the way Jesus was isn't it right it's like it's the only the only one more incorrect than Mormonism

is Scientology like it's Scientology is kickstarting a religion aye it's like it's like it's crowdfunded yeah yeah and it's utter utter Mormonism is Scientology. Scientology is a kickstart to religion. It's crowdfunded. Yeah, yeah. And it was also Scientology was started

in the same way that the fucking white power meme was started, which it started off as a fucking joke and then a bunch of morons took it seriously. Mormonism is like I like the Jesus story but let's make it at home but this time

with jazz and give them like Joseph Smith instead of Jesus it's just it's white people didn't like white people didn't like

the fact that Jesus was Middle Eastern so they revamped it it's Christianity 5.6 third coming the third coming of Jesus that's Mormon

it's like it's like it's like the 8th it's like the 8th Fast and the Furious movie but of Christianity which is far fetched now you've just jumped the shark

just talking shite absolutely jumped the shark and here's the thing this is not a podcast I don't mean to shut you out on your religion I do

I do fuck all your religion yeah and also whatever religion you belong to fuck it sorry I'm turning into

Rick in your face but no yeah but no I don't understand I understand respecting respecting people they seem pretty

sweet though they do they do right like sickly sweet like they're not directly hurting anyone sinister sweet no no but they

like Ned Flanders sweet but they've got bodies in the basement aye but they're none of them are like it's not it's just such

fabricated fucking happiness like it's that's my problem with religious people is they'll always go to you but what harm is it causing and you go

nothing directly but like humanity wise a lot a lot and yeah just Mormon Mecca is a bit weird, you walk around there and you just, no restaurants open

no corner stores open, it's an entire city where if you're not from there, by merely the act of going into it, you're smarter than everyone there and hello to all our Salt Lake City listeners so that was the

great thing about the gig right because we're sat there walking around this fucking closed indoctrination centre

on a fucking Sunday like Eerie Stepford's wife shit like I just I even just had the fear

of just fucking saying fuck out loud or cunt out loud and just like police would turn up with arm guns like that level

of creepiness everyone wearing the same fucking costume I saw we saw a couple go for a jog so they ran out of the house

had jogging gear on apart from the girl was wearing flip flops but she wasn't just like running across the road or catch a bus

like an ace green van she was actually out for a jog wearing flip flops it's just because they're not it's because they're not allowed to have sex

unless it's for unless it's for having kids so running in flip flops is like the sound of having sex so they just both run while closing their eyes and they do it together and they're like

and they're like this is like us having sex but obviously we can't because that's a sin and we're both stupid anyway I'm still going to shit on Mormonism for a bit

and Salt Lake City because we were terrified a little bit of the fact that, well, not of the people because I'm going to go to a limb here and say I could batter every single one. If we stood in the middle of Salt Lake City and just everybody turned on us, I think we'd fight while we're out.

Aye. It's like that question, when people ask you the question, oh, we've asked it on the podcast, which is how many three-year-olds do you think you could beat in a fight? And Bart Freeburn says, it's not that question we like when people ask you the question oh we've asked it on the podcast which is how many three year olds do you think you could beat in a fight

and Bart Freeburn says it's just it's not about them it's about cardio because you're obviously going to beat them all that is what

Mormonism is there's not there is not a Mormon that I couldn't bat at anywhere in the world and we're fucking just

when I say terrified not the people we're just terrified of the fact that they're lovely people they're very fucking friendly because

they're all indoctrinated and they've all been brainwashed but they're going to come to our fucking show I'm not I'm

very openly a piece of shit I don't want Mormons in my show I'm not more for Mormons there's probably some Mormon

comedy out there which must be you know awful really baby boomer stuff oh proper shit baby boomer There's probably some Mormon comedy out there, which must be, you know, awful. Really baby boomer stuff. Oh, proper shit. Probably baby boomer jokes. Yeah, just like a shit version of Brian Reagan.

Or like real long-winded ones. Just real crap. Thankfully, we seem to have found the only 500 normal people in Salt Lake City. They did seem like regular folk. Oh, they were great. They were fucking great and I think

it was actually it wasn't just but when we got to the venue like and we started talking to the staff then the staff were fucking friendly

and normal like oh right okay it's just yeah security and all yeah you just you all know what this is they're all used to it they're self aware

oh so it's like you know when I go back to Blithe I'm like I fucking love Blithe but you can look around and go oh no this isn't this isn't the best

impression of like me you know where you come from this is so fucking you know where you come from is you know

important it represents a part of you like if you've lived in a place I'd say for anything over the fucking two or three oh it's maybe five years

but it leaves it leaves an imprint on your fucking soul it leaves an imprint on your fucking soul it leaves a stamp on your consciousness and your personality so you know

the people that have lived there for so fucking long they're just that's in them but without the religion bit yeah so they're still a bit you know

diet person I was watching you butchering your fans no no no I was watching you butchering your fans no no no I was specifically talking about the staff here I was being a much worse cunt speaking of diet people let's fucking talk about Americans

because we're in America and some of them need to stop and by some of them

I mean most of them I thought you were going to just go Mormons and back that again Mormons and fuck them

again what are they going to do you know how they say every religion has its fucking

terrorists and fucking extremists usually extremism and Mormonism. No, there's no, because even people are like, what about Buddhists? Like, Buddhists have set themselves on fire

and they are killing each other in some parts of the world. Has there ever been? A Muslim extremist, like a Mormon, sorry, a Mormon extremist would just slam a door. No, I feel like a Mormon extremist

is like, they would do evil things like mormons absolutely have done lots of murders but you can't repress that much of humanity well and not go mental at some point so i reckon there's you know i i i'll do some research after this by research you mean googling how many mormons have done a murder uh i reckon they'll have extremists in that sense but i don't think anyone's ever like reckon they'll have extremism in that sense, but I don't think anyone's ever died for Mormonism in the sense of... Who was that stupid prick that went to the centre on Lee's Island?

What religion was that? Was that Mormonism? Was he a Mormon? No, was he not just a Christian? Was he not just a fucking regular vanilla? Yeah. Vanilla moron. Stick with the first religion that came your way, did you?

Aye. Because he's shopping around and the thing is about America it is a religious country and you see that in the friendliness of people in the hope that they have and you know God bless you

have a great day you know they're very friendly they're Christian in those senses of the word and then they're also definitely mostly religious in the fact that i think i am smarter than most of the people here and and more and more concerningly i think you're smarter than most of the people that is the nicest thing anyone no that is terrifying I don't this is so sweet no no no okay again

not even to pick myself up I should not there should not be a country where me and you are two of the smartest people in it

that is dangerous man we can't be that's not fair man that's not good and not only that that country's one of

the most powerful in the world fuck that fuck that like even in the the most powerful in the world. Fuck that. Fuck that. Like, even in the UK, where people are... We should be way below average on smart. Even in the UK, where people are fucking stupid. I'm not saying...

But, like, we're not the smartest people in the UK. Not by a long shot. Not at Stephen Fry, Brian Cox, all these... I'm in the top 30%. The second I land, man, just worrying and I can tell just because there's you know the thing that always happens over here and it's the it's the friendliness is fun for a bit and then you realize that the friendliness just comes from that thing you were saying about it's like talking to an eight-year-old because we're just talking

right now people who vaguely pick them up on Ubers, bump into them in a Lyft, you talk to them like you're talking to an eight-year-old, right? because they're married. After three weeks, how long can you talk to an eight-year-old? Yeah,

you can't have an in-depth conversation, like it's nice, they're good for 15 minutes, you can have a laugh, they've got great senses of humour, they'll talk to you, they'll give you recommendations, the likes of the world,

and then, they just, then they just keep talking, and it's just about the latest in the world and then they just then they just keep talking and it's just about the same stuff you're like oh nothing I'm saying is landing

what I say to them is like how are they not smart when they communicate so much yeah they're always chatting all the time

ideas and thoughts no no it's just it's just small talk every single one of them has the chat of a hairdresser in the UK lovely lovely

people no depth now again this is not everyone you are making casualties here ever since I got a fucking taste for it in Australia I do it just for Australia I never see because

I do it just for Australia I love the people, they're sweethearts again, no no no if you like dogs you've got to like Americans no no no, this is what I'm trying to do the same thing in fairness to Australia which I shot them for ages while I still fucking love them

I feel it's fair to come here and fucking shit on the Americans in the same way and be 100% honest. And then also, I think America is a country that really needs to learn that insults aren't always meant to be offensive. Like, just because I'm ripping the fucking shit out of you doesn't mean I think any less of you.

It doesn't mean I don't like you. It doesn't mean we're not fucking friends. But this is very much a country that doesn't really get banter. Like, they don't insult each other. The check-in lady. Which way? It doesn't mean we're not fucking friends, but this is very much a country that doesn't really get banter. They don't insult each other. The check-in lady, one of the bags was one kilo over, which it usually is.

Normally one kilo, they just fucking put it through. So she was like, oh, you need to take a kilogram worth of stuff out of the thing. And then got chatting to her, found out we're comedians, and started asking her to do jokes. And I'm like, you've just fucking mugged us off with a bag like you've literally just fucking caused us a problem i'm pulling shit like neil's pulling shit out of his bag for no fucking reason for no fucking reason well you're going wait how i dance for us like how about fuck

you lady hi they uh uh they don't really get the i don't know they don't really get ribbing as much over here they don't self-deprecate because you they don't really get ribbing as much over here they don't self-deprecate because you're the greatest country in the world you're not allowed to say that you're not the greatest country in the world

so you've never really learned to look I've been shitting on Scotland since I was fucking five years old and I've moved there but

it's just it's part of the thing you make fucking fun of each other and you don't take it personally imagine how imagine how little friends

you and I would have if one everyone we insulted took what we said literally or two we took literally whatever they fucking said

like if if Piggy right if talk about all the time if the messages that I sent to my girlfriend were to ever leak right

I'm going to jail right we you can't explain that in court no man were to ever leak right I'm going to jail right we you can't explain that in court no man I threaten to kill her

every week just and she does we threaten to beat the fucking shit out of each other we call each other a piece of shit

like it's it's abusive shit because the joke is the joke is imagine we were like this imagine imagine I meant what I said imagine we were like this imagine that imagine i meant what i said yeah so that's what a lot of uk banter is which is hey i'm gonna say the worst thing in the

world why because it's funny because i wouldn't say that and not only that you wouldn't take it personally it's so outlandish that of course you wouldn't take it personally because that that's the joke it's absurdity it's outlandish You can't fucking do that shit over here, man. You say any sort of formal, what do you mean by that? Oh, shut up, cunt. I don't know what they're thinking of the old dad jokes.

My dad doesn't. They do just sort of have that, like when you insult each other in front of them, they get like, are you okay? They don't figure it out. Yeah. I remember just once,

just the term get fucked. Like somebody was telling me about this, they're like, oh, yeah I remember just once just the term get fucked like somebody was telling me about this they're like oh so this is man

while you're in town you gotta go down to this amazing fucking steak restaurant like the you know you can pick the choice of up to five sides

and I'm like oh get fucked he's like what what what and I'm like what no like it's an expression

he was like like what how and I'm like what get out of expression he was like like what how and I'm like what get out of here and I was like yeah but even if I meant it no no

why would you he took it like being like I'm being nice to you sir I'm giving you a restaurant recommendation and I've said get the fuck and you're like

like if I meant that I'm the worst cunt alive that's the joke he did have your middle finger up in his face oh well you know when in Rome I'm the worst cunt alive that's the joke you did have your middle finger up in his face alright well you know when in Rome

what else do you hate about them I like them well I think they are they are just it is it is the as much

and America again understand this your country is the best country in the world but it's not the greatest your government's fucked your people are fucked your racism is fucked

like across the board your healthcare your laws your guns all of that's fucked still the best country in the world though substantially

because of all those reformation freedoms and it's like did you ever see that it's like living in a theme park the whole country's a theme park just everything's just like you know it's like going on see that John's like living in a theme park the whole country's a theme park just everything's just like

you know it's like going on see that John Alva I think it was John Alva rant about the the World Cup about the corruption

behind it and the fucking but I'm still gonna watch it despite all that yeah yeah yeah I'm still gonna watch the World Cup even though I know it's fucking crimes

that's America that's America you're like ah but it's too good it's like I disagree with most of well it's like, ah, but it's too good. It's like, I disagree with most of them. Well, it's like eating meat. Nah, it's wrong.

Nah, animals don't need to die. I know there's been an absolute travesty for me to enjoy this, but, mm. That's what it is. Maybe that's how they can get away with it, because they're like, what are you going to do? None of you are going to fucking neglect us none of you

are going to boycott America Vegas Disneyland fucking the Big Apple San Diego we've got to throw San Diego in there

San Diego woo aye my heart belongs in San Diego aye it is it is it's the fucking best

but as as a people they are very very on average friendly like again I know there's a disproportionate amount of murderers here and some of the worst people

that have ever lived in the history of the world have been fucking American Steve Jobs for example a lot of the people have got that money because of slavery the money's still in the family

and you're still not going to and you're just profiteering off of it it's all it's really wrong this stinks and then some of them are definitely racist still in the family and you're still looking at and you're just profiteering off of it it's all it's really wrong eww this stinks alright

and then some of them were definitely racist and homophobic and just really like out there racist but man they'd still

you know they'd still bring a nice day if it was hot out like in the woods yeah and that's and that

what you've just heard is about five five minutes of white privilege I guarantee Jamali Maddox does not have the same impression

of America we do because we're white we're white foreigners but not only that we're white tourists that's fine I know Jamali

because he's coming in a position of celebrity Jamali with his racist stuff celebrity hey does he not feel so yet

no man like you'll get an audience here but he's not what like he's still experiencing he's not getting

recognised in the fucking street he's still experiencing you're like I'm more of a celebrity than he is no no but I

don't get like I don't get fucking recognised in the fucking five guys no like I'm not it's not like

he's still experiencing in America as a fucking black man which is I've heard is much different it's a different experience it's like playing the game on hard in it now the South Park what they did yeah yeah I played that the fractured but whole I'm finished it I only played like

fucking and I would have it was good it was very funny I loved the first one it's just a very very funny game yeah you can get on the switch now I've got a truth as well well obviously push me this well as usual I'm a man out I'm a juice Oh content Oh what a muggle corner oh fuck I forgot we had muggle corners. Thank you. Corners, I'm just doubling in with yours. Well, wow, lazy bones.

Well, you only want to do muggle corner and put this in. All right. This isn't really so much muggle corner, but it is a muggle corner in the sense that I want everyone who's done this to go into the fucking corner or even thought about doing it. But mainly what this is is just a PSA of go and fucking

stop sending us that fucking video of those fucking heavy metal netters it's so nice doing it it's really it's not it's not it's not it's not it's the no no no no no because if you watch the video no i hate everyone in it it's it's it's not my fucking that is specifically people who go people who are going are going just people who are normal who are ready salted flavoured people and going out there and just trying to

force a personality yeah like I can't I can't abide that sort of shit yeah like if you're a normal person

there's nothing wrong with that if you're fucking playing you live your fucking life you wake up at fucking 7 you go to bed at fucking 9 and you're happy and you're content fucking good for you man

I think that's a great way to be that's what i want to be eventually if you don't have a personality that's not a bad thing right the world is about fucking balance right but what i hate the most is if you don't have a personality stop fucking pretending to have one and then forcing your shit one on me emulating the personality oh just adopting this fucking shit and that's why everyone in this fucking heavy metal knitting grow up. Like, at least ours came from something honest and natural. Like, toxic masculinity. And cocaine.

Yeah, but the first time I got it, I was like, oh, yeah, that's all right. Immediately I hated it. Yeah, I was like, oh, somebody tagged me in a knitting thing. Like, one individual person. And then? And then everybody every single person I'll have missed

loads of stuff here's the thing here's the thing I want to say to people who normally send us knitting stuff normally you all fucking nail it

because there's people who knit who knit as themselves and they just send through like individual pattern recommendations or things that they

find funny or people will say that I love that shit right but I've been tagged in this video, I'm going to say at least a thousand times already. Yeah.

And it's the equivalent of, we've talked about it on the podcast before, I have a life-size replica of a dinosaur in my house, a velociraptor. And since I bought that, everyone in my family

who doesn't really love me and just, when it comes to buying Christmas presents, will buy me something dinosaur-based because I'm now the dinosaur guy. Like a t-shirt, a cup. You learned how to do Rubik's Cube. Yep and I've

got like seven mugs Yeah it's just that lazy, it's nice but it's lazy gift giving and when you for them I think it's a funny thing because they're like hey this stands out about this person and I'm going to buy a gift for them but when you get it you're like this isn't my one personality trait like i'm not the rubik's cube

guy how many can i keep in my kitchen i stopped trying to make it stop trying to make me the best i bought a dinosaur because i wanted to buy a dinosaur and i was a young 21 year old idiot that doesn't make me the i'm the idiot guy buy me stupid don't force the show me same with the net and stuff like but feel like you're whinging about being popular now maybe no no no no no no no no no no no absolutely no no no no

I'm saying I like all the other normal patterns you like it this is no no because all the other stuff they're tagging me into is cool knitting stuff

yeah decent knitting stuff something that I'm like yes I am interested in that I'm like you send me a pattern or like a cool knit thing like somebody

somebody knitted me a Jigglypuff in Manchester on the Muggins and Creamhats Muggins and Creamhats love those I love I love the knitters

talking to us I love the knitting stuff I love it no no I'm complaining about the fact that the lamest cunts in the world started a heavy metal

knitting festival and people are going you'd like this no I wouldn't how dare you, it's not cool, it's just I don't know, heavy metal by itself fucking cool, I'm absolutely fine with heavy metal fucking concerts

I wouldn't go to one, it's not my jam but people love it and it looks cool, the people that can rock out to them, you get well on board with that, knitters you know you my boys and girls I'm slowly coming to that. I've got nothing against knitting. But it's like

chest boxing 2.0. Oh, people forcing shit together just being like, fuck it, I'm going to, I'm trying to stand out. That entire festival

is a bunch of, And they went viral, they got the candy? They got the candy, they got their, that was just, oh. They got what they wanted

because people that like knitting get tagged in it. Yeah, yes, and it's never, yeah, I know, I don't think any, look at me getting all and it's never yeah no I don't think any

look at me getting all fucking clonished I don't think any real knitter I don't think any real knitter none of the community yeah

none of the community would have tagged us in this yeah no no none of the community no no no it was the rest of you fucking muggles

and that's the point knitting isn't muggly heavy metal isn't muggly right but tagging me and Kai in. And that's the point. Knitting isn't muggly. Heavy metal isn't muggly, right? But tagging me and Kai in, that, because that's the only knitting thing you can associate us with, that's muggly.

So if you sent us that video... You know they're all just going to tag us in it now. Every one of them. And then it's funny. That was funny, yeah. Then it's funny. And then... Because then they're doing it to annoy us, right?

I don't care what anyone says. We've all been, look, we're all siblings, right? We're both siblings. Annoying people's funny. It just is. It shouldn't be true. This is what people, I don't understand when they get confused about why people trolls online. I'm going, because annoying people's funny.

Annoying people is funny. It's stupid. It's childish. It's one of the lowest forms of humor, but at base level, annoying people is funny. So when they start tagging us in this video, I'm going to laugh now because it's to annoy me. And then by laughing at it, I'm ruining it for them. Yeah. Yeah.

So if you've sent us that video, for the love of God, get into the fucking corner. It made me so angry. Even when you do it ironically after this, it's still muggly. That's the deal. If they tag us in it, because I promise you now, as mature as I'm acting,

he said whilst on, it will still annoy me. It will annoy me a lot and it will get a reaction out of me. Right. So that's... Enjoy that at home. So enjoy that.

You're allowed to do that. But know that we think you're a muggle yeah you know and they have to go in the corner if they do it

if you tag us in the video you have to immediately get into the corner you have to what you're doing is second tier mugglery we've talked about this before 30 seconds

right that's 40 minutes let's plug some fucking we've got to go and have fun in Vegas this is a bonus one. Aye, this is a bonus one for them. We're trying to be more like regular, frequent, consistent.

But it just so happened that we're in Vegas, party town, and we've done this... Oh man, my phone's only charging at 30%. Well, oh yeah, we need your phone. I don't know, quick dad jokes. I will also talk about the upcoming tour dates, but what I will do first is talk really slowly and continuously so nobody knows

that I am filling time until I get to my website, which is being slow to load, but I don't like when the internet does just filling dead air, mate. I've seen how long it can do

and I timed you. It's 36 seconds. Okay, so on the oh my god well there you go so Minneapolis is sold out that's cool

on the 17th I mean they're all you know gonna sell out sometimes release them on the day though aye so they sometimes release

them on the day so phone the theatre on the day and see if there's any extra releases if you're in Minneapolis and want to come see the show

they're on July 18th we're in Kansas City July 19th Madison, Wisconsin July 20th Chicago, Illinois 21st of July Indianapolis, Indiana

and that's what I think of that place and for the next seven of them eight of them we've been joined by Mike Malloy Michael Malloy

who will get on this podcast when we're on the road no nah fuck him your dad yeah Maloy. Who will get on this podcast when we're on the road. No. Nah. Fuck him. Your dad. Yes.

Your dad got told to check in that his luggage was too heavy, so he took his laptop out, deleted a bunch of documents, and put it back in. And then got through. Eh? There's a lot of child porn. your dad changes the bed sheets with his feet

that's impressive and that takes a bit just though and they stink after it's absolutely foul to sleep in your dad climbed

into the under carriage of an aircraft that he threw and then fell out over Camden oh not funny but

your dad can tell what kind of bird shot in his car from the taste Aye that was your mother Oh no sorry sorry sister

It's a similar taste but a different year It's been brewing longer It's a similar taste but a different year It's been brewing longer It's a different battle Your dad sometimes does emergency stops Without his belt on Because he likes going through the car window Your dad licks his fingers

Before open palm slapping your mother And he calls it putting some stank on it Your dad licks his fingers before open palm slapping your mother. And he calls it putting some stank on it. Your dad hoovers by grabbing the dog's buck legs and stealing it around the house. Your dad... This is what they made me laugh at earlier. So silly. your dad this is what they made me laugh at so silly your dad's favourite animal at the zoo is the flamingos because and I quote

they have the courage to be themselves he always says it with a single tear running down his face and one leg on the floor. Publish that as a book. Your dad has a Stanastair lift, and he uses it by tying his ankle to it and making it track him up the stairs just like when

he was a kid with the mountain of his father okay your dad always asks me to watch before he jumps in the pool

yes dad dad dad watch dad dad I'm watching Kev dad dad dad to watch before he jumps in the pool. Dad, Dad, Dad, watch. Dad, Dad, I'm watching, Kev. Dad, Dad, Dad. Oh, you were watching.

Not even looking up from your book. Oh, aye. You didn't flip? No, I didn't. I didn't die. You would have known if you'd looked. The book I read is really a talk about Kevin. Kevin your dad sucks the atmosphere out of every room he walks in

through a straw is that good with a straw here again alright your dad takes a bath bomb into the shower your dad Your dad takes a bath bomb into the shower. Your dad... Oh, my God. Your dad can't remember his own name, so he introduces himself to people as What's-His-Face.

Your dad cannonballs into bed and your family can no longer financially support the joke but he just won't stop

he just keeps smashing the bed at one point they were like you know what they thought they'd done him they thought

they'd outsmarted him they bought a water bed man pop it in or destroyed it man that day at the border with trampoline. Slept outside.

Jumped out. Went through the window and slept outside. He likes cats in windows. It's like your dad.

Your dad's got a colourful mouth. I'm not finished I'm so sad it's worth it your dad's got a colourful mouth because he licks his wounds after a paintball

also a double slam because who gets wounded at paintball It's gone Don't worry It's gone straight through Martin There's an exit when You fucking

Limp skinned Brick Your dad applies lipstick To his arsehole Your dad bleeds milk Your dad moonlights as a cockerel just so he can cry

everyone awake in the morning your dad says marriage is about sacrifices before sacrificing a lamb it would have been funny if he just killed my mum that's when he that was his

that was him testifying in court how do you plead guilty in marriages about sacrifices? Mate, that's kind of Vegas We're already here Let's go more Vegas Alright, let's do it more

Let's get more into Vegas Oh, stupid fucking idiot Well, that's rude Well, we started as we finished Wait, well, no, the other way Oh, fuck