Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 6 Las Vegas: More than Friends

Episode Date: November 2, 2021

The morning after Muggins and Cream had a middle aged man Dads Vegas with their pal Chris that went so wild they ended up getting into some real freaky shit... golf. Muggins accuses Cream of sexually harassing him in his sleep. 

He has a podcast. I'll rent you up in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? You were just saying you're getting a bit old for Vegas. I wasn't saying that.

You didn't say it. I'm not old. I'm not too old for Vegas. I've just... I've lived a certain part of my life. And occasionally, I... I've lived a certain part of my life and occasionally I you know take adventures back in those days like I'm a tourist

into my younger days when I could bang harder and I still do what I do but the recovery is definitely You're struggling and also I'm almost definitely drunk like if people

want to enjoy this podcast I would not recommend watching this one because my body language

will really let you know how you've got your jeans on buttoned so I do you're fucking

old you're fucking old man I didn't even see that that I just had a big Sunday dinner what a fucking disgrace I'm like Al Bundy oh no that's terrible me fucking grand I used to do that after a big dinner

I've had a lot of gin and ciders today ok let it all out mate I don't want to brag But just to warn anyone Going to Vegas in the next couple of weeks It's not there anymore

Because we Fucking smashed it lads We didn't forget about old Vegas either We fucking demolished that We blew the whole town apart It's bankrupt There's no money left in the economy Of Vegas

Because we've We have it all right now We actually don't need this anymore Nah, this is just For the love of the craft It is, the love of the craft He says with his jeans undone And his fucking

Beer gunt hanging out Lounging on the couch Oh I wish I was fucking dead Last night was fun though I think so Well I didn't know about Old Vegas I knew about Old Vegas But I don't know what I pictured

I thought it was going to be a bit more rickety And then you get there And the screens What the fuck do you mean rickety. And then you get there and the screens... What the fuck do you mean rickety? Rickety, like just kind of run down. Oh, like... You know what I thought it was going to be like? The casino on the boat on Ozark.

Okay. Like mechanical betting machines. Uh-huh. Really like old-school slot machines where it's not like electronic screens. And people like chewing back and spitting exactly spittoons

I don't know what I was expecting I was expecting the doors to like swing like cowboy doors or

kitchen doors so we have a week off which initially when I was told about that For the tour

I was like For fuck's sake Like I don't I don't want time off When I'm on the road Because I want to get home As soon as possible

And also I don't consider A day off If I don't fucking Live in that place I'm like You're just You're forcing me To be a tourist

Somewhere else But These couple days off Have been fucking Class Aye We got We'll get to Vegas in a bit We got to go to But These couple of days off Have been fucking Class Aye We got We'll get to Vegas in a bit

We got to go to Eh I don't know how much Yeah But I don't know how much We can dogger with this So be careful With the information

That we give out But we went to Matt Mercer's Place Oh yeah Eh That was so good Him and his lovely wife

Marisha Ray And their little dog Omar Aye Good dog Good Dog Drop a good dog Aye He's a good boy That was so good. Him and his lovely wife, Marisha Ray. And their little dog, Omar. And I love little dogs. Good dog. Good dog. Drop a good dog. He's a good boy. He's a good boy.

Handsome. Good inside and out. And we may or may not have gotten a sneak peek of a certain project of theirs. And we may or may not have thoroughly enjoyed it and thought it was one of the best things we've ever seen. I felt like we were really privileged. Oh, man, that's one of those moments where I was like, oh, this will be one of those stories in the future

where I tell, and my kids were like, what do you mean you were famous back in the past? And I was like, I used to be famous. I got to have celebrity things. I had celebrity friend cal penn used to phone me like and and this will be one of those moments where i get to be i was like i was at their very lovely new house and i got to watch a certain project i feel like which i may or may not have enjoyed off the record some nerds out there would have paid thousands for that experience. Some fucking nerds did and we still got to see it before them. That was what the fucking Kickstarter

was about. Yes it was. But it's always good to see them. So if you don't know who Matt Mercer is, if you're not into Dungeons and Dragons I would recommend starting off with Critical Role because their new season just started. There's only like two episodes in and they come out like every Monday on YouTube or you can watch them live on Thursday if you subscribe to their Twitch. They're all voice actors so they're fucking sensational at like creating the world. Aye and Matt's been

DMing since he was a four year old little dweeb boy. Is he known in the industry as the goat? No I don't think he would consider himself the goal i think he was inspired by so many other people people i can't fucking name it's an entirely different world but it's a big world um i know some people uh that he definitely like look up look looks up to and you know i think he

he's very like he's one of the most humble people in the world because he cannot believe how successful this thing is he still feels like he's just winging it doesn the most humble people in the world because he cannot believe how successful this thing is he still feels like he's just winging it doesn't he in a way he is because he's like

kind of at the forefront he's like he's leading the charge he's creating it I reckon once their certain project comes out it may bang harder

than it's on a certain platform so we got to see them that was fucking class then we got to see them That was fucking class Then we got to Hang out with The very lovely Matt Kirshen

He's so fucking funny man My favourite thing We need to get him On this podcast He fucking makes me Laugh so hard I think I have had him On this podcast

Have you? I am Well me and Matt Have definitely He's got a podcast Called Probably Science Which I've done A couple of times

The first time I'm on it was the funniest like if I do say so myself it was one of my best ever podcast appearances because you've got to go on and you've got to talk about like the science of the week

so yeah it's like it's like news stories but it's all technology related isn't it science related science related aye okay

but I guess technology sometimes falls into that aye but yeah it could be like biological discoveries aye anyway anyway so one of the episodes one of his co-hosts whose name escapes sometimes falls into that aye but yeah there could be like biological discoveries aye anyway anyway

so one of the episodes one of his co-hosts whose name escapes me because I'm hungover and high we were talking about master betting

for some reason and I was doing and he was doing some mime about jerking off and I was like oh do your do your fingers touch

when you jerk off like and I just did it as like an underhanded thing just to see if I could like set him off and he was like, oh, do your fingers touch when you jerk off? And I just did it as an underhanded thing just to see if I could set them off. And he was like, yeah, yeah, what? No, hold on. Surely everyone's fingers, do your fingers not connect when you wank?

And I'm like... Main rapper and twice. It was two hands. One of my favourite things about Matt Kirshen is because he's the nicest man in the whole wide world. Like he's good on every single level of his humanity. He's older than me, but I find him fucking adorable. Because he's so nice, man.

If you're nice, you just don't age. That's why Keanu Reeves is timeless. Like Matt Kirersh is just such a nice person he'll never age in any sort of way and that's why we look like decrepit old i'm feeling a bit old now after yesterday my favorite thing to do with my question is because he's so nice pretend to hate him and put other people who when you're backstage at gigs and other comedians are pitching about other comedians and they're like oh this person's so fucking annoying and this person's some sort of dour cunt and then you just chip in and you're like oh man and fuck i tell you i tell you he's a

cunt kershen and everyone's always like yeah what no way hold on is this something i don't know yeah what yeah matt kershen have i fell for his charms He's a snake in the grass, I'm telling you right now. Matt Kirshen. What did he use to do? He knows what he's doing. He's calculated. He's so calculated. He's got bodies in his fucking basement.

That guy, like... Fucking hell. We did an escape room with him. So did he. So there we got out. Ah, you were. We left him in there. We escaped the room. And We were in a saloon. And we had to break a friend of ours out of jail. And one of the dumbest clues we've ever fucking

asked for was when like there's a like there's a prisoner in a jail cell with chains above his head and there's only one other thing in the room and that's a gun locked in a case and then we finally unlocked the gun and for like five minutes we're like well what do you do with it and she just comes over on the tannoy exhausted she was like what could you shoot with a gun help the prisoners yeah what's the entire we were like oh man that must have been man she must have been raging in there I reckon that must be one of the good as well after like, fucking the whole Alec Baldwin thing. I was like, well, we have that around. And that's it. Is this truly a prop? What are we about to make history? He spoke to me. What did he say? Did you watch it?

No, I think somebody sent it through. Aye. Should I put it on? Should we hear what he says? No! Do you not want to hear what I put on? No! You don't want to hear what he says?

I do, but not on air. And I don't want to fucking live react to it like I'm Ryan Cullen to 2008. Eating biscuits. Eating biscuits for links. Well, because my phone's connected to the thing, so I could just... No.

No, I don't think that's... Also, I don't want people to see my reaction to it i have a dark sense of humor i want that on record he said recording a podcast but you know what i mean there's still sometimes like as much as i'm like uh you know i'm very honest with my sense of humor i still do edit it so there's some stuff i say off air that I would never in a million years say on air

and that's just because it's just available they normally come out in the high podcasts

I bet they do we don't have any filter or listen to it back I can't remember the last time I

ever listened to a fucking episode of this shit it's never it's never you're gonna love this one indeed never you're gonna love

this one indeed aye you're gonna go back and you'll that'll be nice maybe I'll do a you know how like like so the moment

Donald Faison and Zach Braff are doing this really good podcast called Fake Dogs is Real Friends and it's basically

them going through and they're re-watching every episode of Scrubs and then doing an hour long podcast after each episode oh that's nice oh so it's great so you like you watch an episode and then you listen to the podcast and they've re-watching every episode of Scrubs and then doing an hour long podcast after each episode. Oh that's nice. Oh it's great so you watch an episode and then you listen to the podcast

and they've got all the cast on it as guests on rotation it's really really good. Maybe that's what I'll do when you're dead. I'll just listen to these podcasts back and then intersplice it with just me sobbing then

or masturbating. You know how you don't like to consider yourself a catchphrase comic? Uh-huh. Notice how I didn't say you're not a catchphrase comic. You would have a catchphrase, you'd end up going, oh, I'm glad he's dead, like several times an episode. That's the dream, though. Surely when you die, you want to make it easy,

easier for the people to get over your death so you're just like look grief is the worst thing you can bestow on someone so what i'm going to do is i'm going to be such an unforgivable cunt during my actual life that you're not sad when i'm dead that's one of the most selfless things I can think of. Being so nobody messages you. What a nice thing to do. Altruistic. You know how, I think it was a Banksy quote, wasn't it?

I don't know. It was, everybody dies twice. Once when you die and once when somebody last speaks your name. No, you got it wrong. Everyone dies twice the first time they die And then when somebody finally deletes their twitter account That's the two

That's it Because I was going to suggest that You're going to die twice But the other way around The last time someone has your name It's before you die Like just not even at the funeral. Do they name me?

That happened to what he called? I nearly asked. I was, I was on the cusp. I was on the cusp of asking who you went. What's his name? And then, I've got to bring it back to life.

And then, and then, and then we came to Vegas with, eh, Christopher Martin. Oh my God Martin not the one from Coldplay the better one the better one I Christopher Martin the comedian English vegan comedian it's not defining part of his personality but I wish notice Chris I always noticed. Chris is such a, like, he always does the right thing. He's just a good person.

Like, yeah. And if he doesn't know what the right thing to do, I bet he ponders it. I bet he fucking meditates about it. He doesn't flush out after a pee to save water. He doesn't flush after a pee to save water. If it's yellow, let it mellow, he's one of them guys. Does he actually do that?

He's just cool. Like, he lives in LA and he knows that the water is like, being short supply. And he's just like, he's really conscious

of doing the right thing. Makes us sick. Aye. No matter how much he does, he's still not even remotely offset any of the damage I've done to the animal community like be vegan all you like

but I'm eating enough meat that you are barely making a dent you are saving no lives great testament to the man that he can still be friends with us he has to look past a lot well no I've told him very openly as I say this to all vegans because I'm giving this reputation as a vegan here friends with us. Oh, yeah. He has to look past a lot. Well, no, I've told him very openly, like,

and as I say this to all vegans because I'm giving this reputation as a vegan here, to every vegan out there, like, I absolutely know that you're correct. It's morally wrong.

That's why I'm trying to bring you down. Yes, like, of course I am. I have to attack you otherwise you'll attack me and you'll win

because you're right. So I have to go after you and make you look stupid, you dumb cunts. Politics. Yeah, like, I can. I will, go after you and make you look stupid, you dumb cunts. Politics. Yeah, like I can. How would I in the future? Will you just eat animals?

Even though there was plenty of other types of foods and not only were those foods better for the planet, they were like more manageable. There was more of it. We could have excess. I mean, I guess we've got it now.

It depends where we are. So Old Town in Vegas, I didn't expect it to have like a big ceiling TV that had like planets and meteors

one net millions of pounds you've done really well one fucking millions of pounds I was I started off real bad I went in hard

I went in fast I told Vegas to buy the pillow because I was going in dry. You was on the two pence machines. Was that you, like, with a slade and little thing at the bottom, like, tip and point? Won a couple of keychains. Don't know how they'll ever recover. And then, like, I remember when I put you, Chris, and Neil were all like, yeah, I think I'm down, like, I'm down, like, 20.

And then Chris was like, oh, no, I'm up 10. And you were like, oh, yeah, no, I think I'm down like I'm down like 20 and then Chris was like oh no I'm up 10 and you were like oh yeah no I think I'm only down like 15 and I'm just there like I am down 250 off it

it was so early I went in for like a couple of fucking big bets it was so early I mean big bets how lame do we sound when you go to Vegas

big bets and it's 20 quid oh man people are winning millions they're gambling thousands hundreds of thousands like there's parts of Vegas that we'll never see because we just don't oh man people are winning millions here they're gambling thousands hundreds of thousands like there's parts of Vegas

that we'll never see because we just don't gamble in any sort of impressive way because we are sad sad middle class

lazy just trying to get the free gins British losers and we celebrate so hard at the smallest wins oh yeah

I watched Chris Martin Jump out of his chair Celebrate Because Two horses came in But there were the two favourites And he bet on them And it was only four to one

Right But two horses coming in Usually spells Like This is the Electronic horse racing machine 50 50 quid to a thousand

It's called Fortune Cup And it's the greatest game In LA In Las Vegas Excalibur that's where it is and the D which was named after me

they don't know that but that is true and Chris jumped up because he was like four and five or whatever jumped out of his seat

and cheered and punched the air and high fived and then I noticed it was four to one and he put five bets on he'd lost a dollar he lost a dollar

and he made a scene we had a fucking night well at least I had another nightmare he'd put five bits on. He'd lost a dollar. He lost a dollar, he made a scene. We had a fucking night, well, at least I had another nightmare at the fucking first table. Didn't get anything coming in. Again, I think I was down

like another 150 at that point. But we managed to stay on it for a bit and drink loads. And then we went downtown and I went for a piss while you all found another fucking table.

And I walked out, sat down, managed to just Get a bit of money in And then just did a random bet A one dollar bet On a 600 to one shot 683 to one shot

Wow And it came in And you celebrated Like Chris did When he lost a dollar I yelled Yaldi Like I was

Kevin Bridges Yaldi Yaldi And then The people next to you Had made the same bet There was a to you had made the same bet. There was a couple who had made the same bet

right next to you. I think I was the only one at the table that didn't. Oh. So I was just like steady chipping away at my bank but I was like

I was trying to not lose money at the pace that I was like drinking free gins so that it like it sustained. Oh man I was. That's how much I was spent on gins but then I started getting

a bit heavier down but then pulled it back a bit heavier down but then pulled it back at the last like what was it the last like game that we

played of craps well mine we were absolutely fucking mullered by then I don't know how I was a disgrace

of a human being by the end of the night because I think what happened was like we we got to we were out

about drinking by about fucking half five or six right was Like we got to the We were out and about drinking By about fucking half five or six Right And then We got some big frozen Margaritas

Yeah Because we are Basic white bitches Teeth are kind of fallowed Aye And then And then it just felt like We were drinking for ages

But I was like Man I'm definitely tipsy But like I'm not Drunk Like I'm not fucking millered won some money, won some more money went back to the fucking grand or whatever it was

and then we did some lemon drop shots and by the way I swear to fucking god if you call them lemon chill shots one more time in front of me I'm gonna fucking slap the rest of your eyebrows off it's like you're doing that old man thing like well you're just getting the name of lemon cello shots they're fucking lemon drop shots they're not lemon chill isn't entirely

the different thing what is it then lemon chill is like a fucking liqueur uh it's in digestive an apparatus and then and then where's lemon drops are like a combination of a bunch of booze and because it's America because it's fucking Vegas and because of your tip it was fucking rude man it was fucking it was four fucking mouthfuls

it was rude the portions I don't I love them free pouring when you're having a mix out because you're just getting a strong drink but when the free when the free pour shots

it means you have to do multiple gulps to get the shot down and it was like like you said like four mouthfuls it'd be like if there was more than

like one mouthful of cum that would be considered rude you can't do that to like you can't have a blowjob because there's people who have that condition you know

you know that condition where you cum loads you never come across that in porn pardon me thrown rope man I don't know what the name

of the condition is but I know there's a comedian called Chris Stefano great comedian out of New York Man, I don't know what the name of the condition is, but I know there's a comedian called Chris DeStefano, a great comedian out of New York. He's got it. I was on a podcast with him. He was like, I've got that thing where you just...

It's fucking heaps, man. It goes on for 30 or 40 seconds and by the end of it is a legit... The shock last we had yesterday So is that Is that Does he Did he say if that was A bit of sensation or not

That you're getting Like Have a sustained orgasm Yeah he's like It's great They have a really long orgasm Like Like

Like the broads do Is he a squatter Ah he is a squatter Um I don't know if I'd enjoy it though Or just Just loads Ah

Like Like Jizz Jizz is the worst bit of coming I don't know if I'd enjoy it though what there's jizz and loads like like jizz jizz is the worst bit of coming it would be it would it's the worst bit of coming like nobody I'm not going to say

nobody enjoys cum it would be so annoying in the one yeah reese nicholson he fucking loves it He does

He does He's always got like a little chalice of it with him That voice good around his neck like fucking Who's that Halle Berry was it Halle Berry that had fucking Chalice of Spunk running in it No she had a vial of blood from fucking Who was that old cunt that was in Monster with her The one that plays Badsam

Oh yeah Carly Rae Jepsen Billy Bob Thornton That guy Aye Aye Was he not I feel like there was

A story there I feel like I'm getting My Let's just spread rumours Who gives a fuck We're in the age Of disinformation That's true

Holly Berrywax I run with a vial Of Billy Bob Thornton's Aye Aye And Angelina Jolie Has a vial of mine Fucking why not It's film Aye And Angelina Jolie has a vial of mine Fuck it why not

It's just you know Doesn't matter anymore Everyone lies all the time Nobody corrects things I hate to sound like Jay Lerner here But did you see Facebook change its name? It changed its name to Meta Aye

I mean Do you think Is it like an overriding company that's called Meta That owns Facebook and Instagram Aye Facebook's branched out So I think it like an overriding company that's called Meta that owns Facebook and Instagram and Facebook is a product? Aye, Facebook's branched out, so I think it's covering all that. Do you think, or what do you think, Mark Zuckerberg sees or feels when he looks in a mirror? Like, do you think he knows he looks like that?

Like, does he know how the entire world no he looks like a an artistic robot he looks like yes so some like an android's getting a like a prosthetic face yeah and it's not good like that hairline is is is weird he's got cold he's got the cold dead eyes of a seagull like does he have kids he's a psychopath isn't he that's it yeah yeah well i mean but that's isn't that the whole statistic like 80 percent or something of billionaires are all psychopaths because you've got to absolutely have complete and utter disregard. Like a compassion to become that successful. To be that fucking ruthless. Aye.

Oh, before I forget as well. What do you think Mark Zuckerberg feels when he looks in a mirror? I don't think he sees anything. It's robot eyes. Just they can't, they don't process light In the same way we do So it doesn't reflect

Through the mirror I think he thinks It's another person And starts barking at it Aye I just He can't get his head Around the concept of mirrors

Can you imagine Fucking Facebook I just There's some people That you look at And you just go do you know I mean maybe

maybe people feel this way about me but sometimes I look at people and I'm like do you fucking know what you look like

like have you looked in a mirror recently checked and gone yeah yeah you know what this is this is what I'm going

to present to the world like did did you consciously have that thought within the last two years or are you delusional? Do you not know what you look like? It's hilarious when you start slagging off the appearance of Erling Haaland and you've pretty much got the same description. Same description.

You know, like if Erling early, if early Holland, he's not as bad as reberry was, but he's an uncle. He was a bit disfigured. Wasn't he? He'd been like stabbing the face or something. Look, you know, have facial scars regardless. So right. Jesus. Like you were standing up for a second just a haymaker the fucking beast I'm punching sideways it's fine so if Erling Haaland had committed a crime and had described Erling Haaland to the police

they'd draw a picture of you and then you call him ugly it's fucking hilarious He's got these big rubber lips That they don't quite know what they're doing My lips know exactly what they're doing At all times And it's sucking your dad off

His eyes have got this look of like There's nobody else in this world except me And everything else is just Just pixels in my game You're all fucking NCPs He runs like a badly rendered pedophile Like just a dodgy character In some fucking

Grand Theft Auto or Saints Row God Saints Row used to be class I've already played that one I don't think Saints Row 1 was really good then Saints Row 2 they were like you know what we're going to make it a bit wilder and it was good because they started adding in games it was like insurance fraud which was just you had to throw yourself in front of traffic

and like see how many how much you could injure yourself to get money like it really leaned into like the silliness and then in Saints Row 3 they leaned into the insanity like they started doing like I think one of the one of the sequels to it was like one of the guys had to break out of hell like he died in Saints Row 2 and that's a break out like you had aliens in laser beams ago I got mental I like that bit on Grand Theft Auto Where like

A son spikes you with a joint And you end up getting abducted by aliens and that Don't mind that bit Nah Then you free fall from the fucking spaceship And everything's psychedelic What GTA is that in? Maybe it's that I had a split of that that spiked

Who knows GTA 5 I don't know I don't think I completed it It's the one where he's having Like a protodomestic With all of his family Isn't that GTA 5

The one with fucking three of them Aye Right so which was having Oh I am That cunt The fucking Yep Middle aged man

Aye the main guy I forget his name You People screaming Middle aged man I am Aye you are I'm middle aged You're getting into golf now

Ain't you I fucking loved golf The day Aye We went to Topgolf Yeah It's like a driving range But there's like

Different things to aim for Like different holes to aim for It's like a multi-tiered Driving range And there's like Six Big holes And like massive holes

They're like 30 Way across But the closer you get Into the centre The more points you get It's a very very good day out and they just

fly you with fucking boots yeah so you just like pretty much the seats are just like the ones we're on now aren't they like the Vegas

fucking skyline just look mint especially like as it turned to night to twilight and just fucking belting the balls

doing away with getting drunk and having a bit of crack in that and I was like I can totally see how people get into this I can totally see it but a having a bit of crack in that and I was like I can totally see how people get into this I can totally see it

but a real key factor of my enjoyment of it was the climate I live in Scotland alright you can do golf on holidays that's what

that's all man the whole point of golf apart from getting the ball in the hole get away from the birds

get away from the birds it's to get away from the birds it's to get away from the old ball and chain peace and quiet peace and quiet for a couple of babies with a

baby it's nice to have a chat with the lads without fucking yap yap yap just nag nag nag

moan moan moan don't do this stop looking at her arse Jesus Christ, woman. Sing another song. Oh my God, I've seen you like her Instagram post.

Fuck off, man. I'll have to play golf. Stop upsetting yourself by looking into my history. What are you searching for? I'm just trying to read Zoom magazine and look at tits, man. Come on, jeez. I'm not objectifying them. They got them out

aye they wanted the job aye look I'm just going out for a I'm going out for a cup nine holes

nine holes that's it let me have my piece woman and you get in late and you're like oh so what I had 18 oh jeez right so I did 18

and I had a couple of pints afterwards I had a couple of pints after a round of golf and I'm getting an earful like this is this the fucking prison? If you asked how

I've subscribed to it the rest of my fucking bio-match would say. If you just asked how the game was I would tell you I got a hole in one I had to buy everyone a round

it went from there. You should be proud of us. Right. Thank you for bathing them. Is that what you wanted to hear? They dug and walked around the house. Hi John. They don't Can walk around The house

Hi John What do you mean There's no leftovers Then why would I Do the dishes Why did I even Come back I thought you'd

Made dinner I Now we're good Now we're good I'm not I'm not comfortable Now with the jokes Going

I enjoyed the bit And then It got a little bit Gratuitous I'm not comfortable now with the jokes going. I enjoyed the bit and then it got a little bit gratuitous. You started enjoying it. No, I started enjoying it. But it's those things. You make it till you make it with misogyny. It's like, it's one of the hard things to explain is, is like sometimes cruelty is, the concept of cruelty is fun

right where like we always talk about every single time we go home from tour the first thing we say before we go in my house is should we bar a calendar and then we do like a two minute bit about how we're going to come to the house and we're going to pin Connor down and we're going to kick his fucking head in

for no reason and we've been doing this bit spontaneously smash his face through the whiskey cabinet we've been doing this bit spontaneously for five years we'll sit in the car

for a good couple of minutes and talk about how we're going to bat that culling of a guy name as if we're like fucking pumping ourselves up to go and kick the shit

out of him and then we'll walk through the door and culling's just sat there with his fucking slanket on hugging his knees his thumb and we're just like yeah how are you colin hi how you doing love you man air punching back and flinch the cruelty the concept of cruelty can be funny yes because right Right Again I mean I've got a little bit About this in the show

But it's the fact that Obviously The second you do it It's not funny The second you do it It's not funny It's no longer a fantasy The fantasy of it

Is always funnier Than the reality And that's why Not doing the That's why the concept Of like I'm going to do the worst thing In this moment

Is funny But that's why When people actually Do bad things And they're like But you said it would be funny And you go Yeah

I said it would be funny The reality of it is way way fucking works because it's you know You don't see the repercussions of it like that's the that's why everyone's a bastard on the internet because you don't you know It's very easy to call someone a cunt when you can't see the Cry in the show idea. All right. Well, I do I can hear it when you can't see the, be sad about it afterwards. You don't get to see his cry in the shower, do you?

Well, I do. I can hear it. That's why I left the door open. I just thought that was because you were a company. Why didn't you go, oh, fucking last night,

I fucking claimed in bed with you. That's, wait, okay, I'll start a different day. I'll start a different, I'm trying to make you look bad. Right.

We got, we were so, we were so, we were so, we were so mullered,, we were so mellowed that we went to the wrong floor. You and Chris tried to sleep on an escalator.

But like, not the escalator, the travelator. It's a real power nap, that one. You have to get up eventually. There's a real, there's a real time limit on it.

Then we went to the wrong floor and sprinted down the corridors like belligerent children. And I was trying to do Instagram stories if we're running around not saying you just posted two pictures two blurry pictures because i must have like held it down thinking i was doing a video and then i let go and i just took a photo because i went on the wrong bit fucking and then press post my mom accused my mom accused us of being high mom if

you're listening to this you were fucking wrong we weren't high at all we didn't have any marijuana yesterday actually mother we didn't did we no we don't have any drugs we were just absolutely old fucking millard nick nolte and warrior oh god real bad fucking cigarettes hanging out of our mouths bellies out acting like we fucking owned the place even though we were we were at most making a profit of 500 and also not in profit i still spent so much money on food i'm so down giving it big legs i'm financially down but i look back at the cost of that that evening i oh it took you the real price is the years that took off my fucking life. Yes. So. So I had a man come in. Oh yeah.

Run and run. Eventually get back. Chris crashed on the couch and I was just going to jump in with you. This is a sofa bed that we haven't been asked to pull out. Aye. And Chris took a couple of the cushions off

so he could make the bed. Aye. And I lay on it like a dog in a basket. Aye. So you went round in circles a couple of times. Sniffed it, made sure it was all nice and damp. I laid literally two of these.

I laid down on two of these and that was me. A little bonus content for anyone watching on YouTube. I really, please don't be, please do not. Like if you are watching this on YouTube, you should have stopped by now. Forgive all of this. you are watching this on youtube you should have stopped by now forgive all of this if you're not watching this on youtube don't think on what this is i don't want to see what i look like here but i think it might be the worst ever like i don't think somebody of my level of fame and success should ever be publicly presenting themselves i think watching this on youtube and hearing

you rant live with people's ugliness. Oh, I know, the hypocrisy. The utter hypocrisy. As I lie stoned. You're a lout. You're a fucking lout. I'm a fucking big fat hypocrite. So I fell asleep on the fucking cushions,

right? Then in the middle of the night, the aircon kicked in and just fucking blasted as well. I was right underneath the air con I did think that would be funny and I was right I was fucking freezing

so I put myself to bed I come in bed with it and he just literally just fucking pulled us in and gives a big cuddle

and grabs his eye and I fight you off because you were asleep I was like no no no we're not

we're not I thought you were Nah Nah we're not We're not I thought you were I Because You wanted me remit Excuse you Because Because we've been having a good time

One too And I felt your belly And I'm like Oh it's Cara It's Cara It's my pregnant You don't say You started feeling me dumb

Started talking to it Baby boy You felt You felt a kick You felt that He's got indigestion Aye sorry Aye I was boy you felt you felt a kick alright he's got indigestion alright sorry you get me

fucking me too my boss molested me when we were in Vegas fuck you know it doesn't to rate X and then do that to me

that's why I'll get away with it nobody will ever believe you you're fucking hiding in plain sight of Jimmy Savile doing charity work

god I watched that documentary about him what a fucking how does nobody know he dressed I know this is

the oldest bit in comedy but he dressed like a paedophile and he would walk around talking about how good he was

at being a paedophile and people were like oh that Jimmy Savile there was quite a few people walk around in la and in vegas in like full tracksuit and i was going to chris out today i was going like the impact of jimmy savile hasn't reached the states yet hasn't that if you're wearing a full tracksuit you're literally you look like a nonce now yeah you're a, you're a dirty wrongan. He really made full track, he's non-satire.

What was I going to bring up? It was mildly amusing and only slightly related. Only marginally related. Oh, yeah, you nearly got fired yesterday, didn't you? Yeah, it wasn't yesterday yesterday it was the day before Was it the day before? You threatened to dump us off the tour But you were, man, that was the closest I've ever come

Everyone's like, hey has it ever fell out? We're like, nah never, never even close really No we don't argue, we'll be the point In one moment And it lasted for 30 seconds It was fucking horrendous It was one of the worst 30 seconds of my life No circumstances am I ever allowed

To To smirk at you To smirk at you While sucking meat off a chicken bone Aye Looking dead into my eyes With a little fucking twinkle in yours A little smirk on your face

Sexily sucking the fucking juice And the remainder grizzle off of a chicken wing I've never felt So fucking fine The nerve of you to be like Oh I got into bed and you groped me I didn't realise I was Fucking who?

I thought I was doing a joke I didn't realise I was planting a seed Oh Nah Nah that was not That's not good I was doing a joke I didn't realise I was planting a seed oh nah nah that was not that's not good behaviour

you do this sometimes you were laughing but you were trying to make me clear you were serious aye you do this sometimes you

overstep the boundaries of of friendship like you and Elliot that's how I ended up in that fucking war with Elliot

because you and him the cock fight Just kept Kept sending Topless photos And it's like Matt go to the gym Feel good

About yourself Post on Instagram Do not DM Your friends Sending unsolicited nudes Is entirely wrong Unless it's TMA

No It's across the board It's not on You don't get to be like Oh lads Look at the work I had to do. Here's my fucking abs. I'll put an emoji over my cock.

Fuck. No. Aye. But why was it a baby girl? We're coming across like we're more than friends on this podcast. I send you news. Maybe that's what we should call the next brand of this podcast after this tour. More than friends.

More than friends. That's the reason I'm more than friends. And for the people that have listened over the years, it'll be weird. Man, it's like

we're the Ross Rachel, but there's no other options. Do you think people would be happy for her? Oh, if we were gay together. Some people, absolutely. Do you think people would think we were i don't think either of those people would be natalie or cara though unless they want to do a trade-off like unless they wanted to you know start fucking salmon slapping together that would be such a paradox because that would fix us i'm not suggesting it was broken no no no no that is what i said no you said the

cure for gays wait did you say the cure for homosexual men as homosexual women that's what i meant it's not what i meant the cure for you oh my god right so you want to send okay i was going to do a book about being a gay man now guys what you're telling me is if we were to send Guys, what you're telling me is if we were to send all these gays to some sort of camp and have the female gays Does it work the other way around? Can you convert lesbians back to cock

by showing them I think you can only reinforce it It doubles the tone They're like That is too, too many. I'm just not. It's just not for me. I'm all about that fucking labia.

So people would be too devastated for Natalie and Cara to be happy for her. People would be taunt. Taunt. My arse. That's why it's bleeding. for Natalie and Cara to be happy for people be toned toned my arse that's why it's bleeding I feel I feel like I do better I feel like

if I was going to be gay I'd like to be gay with Reece Nicholson we've got what are you friendzoned with me I'll just say am I a joy

one bedroom apartment In Vegas Why do we need to Why do we need to I just I think there's I think I could do better That's all

You can have Elliot I reckon I could Elliot would be fun for you You could have a nice little toy boy In Elliot Yeah Come on You'd teach him

a couple of things I'd be fucking wasted on the pair of E's too eh in what way I'd just fucking just two like me crack

me compassion me empathy Jesus me like I'd do stuff for you and all that like it would be one way of traffic

with me doing stuff for you or Elliot and I'd get no back and return I'll have you know I am an entirely entirely selfless partner he said from his pent out

Las Vegas suite when his pregnant fiance is at home I am selfless beyond compare good sir I'll pick up your litter he threw me cigarettes at me feet after I give you one I did not I tried to put them in your little man satchel

Which will say nothing more about Fucking seems like you've already said it With that tone You can take any implication you want That's why art is art I don't get to choose who you I didn't mind my satchel Until Nilo

I also started wearing a satchel until Nilo, our tour manager, also started wearing a satchel. And then we just looked like little... Also? Or just at the same time? Are you trying to suggest that he saw you wearing a satchel and then got on board with it?

No, no, no. I'm saying that we used to just wear them separately and now we're touring together. We're wearing like little satchel bros. And when the three of us walk around, there is no question who the alpha is. Like we're little Satchel bros And when the three of us walk around There is no question who the alpha is Like we're little Satchel homies You know that's not what they're saying

I mean you're close I think you're mishearing the last bit though Get your ears cleaned We look like such a thrubble Get your ears cleaned Oh You seem to have pegged it a bit anyway I've smoked a lot of marijuana Also there's There's going to be a real big experiment tomorrow

So I went to Planet 13 Favourite weed store And I was like I just need like a Sativa Vape pen Just for the day And then I'll have two Indica

Pre-rolls Just for later on tonight Which we're going to have After this And then If I can Just I was like

Because we're flying tomorrow I was like I just need like One edible For the For the plane And I You know

Since the pandemic I mean I was always A i've in the in the since the pandemic i mean i was always a bit of a stoner but since the pandemic my my my consummation my consumption yeah has gone through the roof and i want to couldn't be wet mostly legal yeah and i don't think as if the european tour was constantly in amsterdam aye there's just there's a i don't think there's anything weed could never knock me down. Like, I'll always be able to, I'll always go the distance with it.

Like, I can, I can't, I don't think I can do anything to shock me anymore. What about that time you ended up with the fucking medical tent, at Rucknest? That's because I took too much ibuprofen. Fair enough.

Aye. My one is way softer. So, I was like What's the strongest One you've got And she goes I got It's just one bit of rope

And it's 100mg So I I'm going to eat that For the flight Tomorrow Yeah Yeah Yeah

And 10 are like The ones I gave you last week And you were like These are the perfect measurement So it's 10 of those Aye Aye Nibble that.

No. I'm going all in. Shelfing it. Baby, I can't, where am I going to fucking put it? I can't even have it. I can take it on a fucking plane, can't I? Maybe. No. They're not going to check in your mouth, put it in your mouth. Sorry, say ah.

Ah. Okay, so we're doing that Aye Are you coming Oh we're going back out now Well we'll go We'll go down for a spliff After this aye Right

Because we can smoke Anywhere And also she was like Here's a good like Body indica high And I was like That's exactly what I need now For the

For the Hangover slash drugness That I'm currently Experiencing And then there was one She was just like good like body indica high i was like that's exactly what i need now for the for the hangover slash drugness that i'm currently experiencing and then there was one she was just hanging this was a fucking knockout punch because i got to fucking press it like 7 a.m tomorrow oh shit do it for me do my accent hello hello hi daniel sloss we got daniel Sloss On the radio today Calling all the way From Las Vegas So

How are you feeling How was your time in Vegas Fine Okay And Are you Looking forward to Coming to Grand Rapids

Michigan Well I am I can't even I can't even try a dare accent There we go Take a run up Remember look You didn't think you could go off

And I patiently spoke you through it And you improved and you believed in yourself And you realised that calmness And self control So when you're on the radio You've got this rhythm to your voice When you're talking to people in an interview Do I?

You're like I am so happy to be here You're making me sound like fucking Zuckerberg here I'm just like a robot I will go through the motions Because you'll be like And then you'll like turn it on But like it is very much turned on

It's an unnatural state of being Nah this is my natural state of being This right here I'm such a mess I mean look I am ready To be a father Because I have turned into mine

Can I have that right in front Because I didn't think You were going to be on the video anyway You've censored your face With your mic technique My face isn't the bit I'm fucking ashamed of In this image you daft cunt

The rest of this How come when you get on stage Like if they're looking at my face that's a fucking win when you get on stage how's your mic technique not the same as like it is on the podcast

how do you not just hold it in front of your face like the head teacher of South Park not Mr Garrison PC Principal PC Principal

when he's got the mic over here oh yeah you're probably this time doing it like a like a boxing announcer back in the day and it's a blue, where you get it. And then, you know, the rest of that bit.

Oh, there was a restaurant, a steakhouse in old Vegas that's got scales out the front. And if you weigh more than 350 pounds, you eat for free. Aye, that was mad, wasn't it? I feel like that's really encouraging Eating disorders So Cara Get over here Lardarse

She's so fat She's still so small She's visibly pregnant But also Looks like she's pregnant but far away She looks like a snake That's whatallowed Cullen Snake eating his own tail

She looks like a snake With tits That's Swallowed Cullen You know like My tits are so big now I'm so excited to see her You were saying on the last podcast That she

She had to go get them measured And they're just beyond I might wear them when I see her I did that joke to her She'd never seen it before So for those at home This is one of the stupidest But best jokes in the world

Go up to your wife, your fiancée Your girlfriend A woman that you have one of the stupidest but best jokes in the world. Go up to your wife, your fiancée, your girlfriend, a woman that you have some sort of physical and emotional connection to, and then ask them if they want their boobs weighed. And if they say yes, grab their boobs and go, Whey! And it's such a stupid joke I did it to Cara

she thought it was the funniest thing in the entire world and then she did it to her friend Jill did you get any videos did you get it on camera I don't think I've met Jill every fucking time That poor woman

If you have met her Cara waits for a new intervention You have met Jill I'm going to say now Comfortably In at least Ten fucking times I only called her for ten years

Aye Repeatedly And every time I meet her I introduce myself Aye nice to meet you And Jill's just like man Kai it's Jill

stayed used to do that with fucking with Jean all the time man it was the most amazing thing like

Tom would come round to do some frying and Jean would come out of her room in our like where we lived and Tom would be like oh there's someone in your house

Tom would just be like Hey how are you You seem nice What's your name When did you move in It's like Tom We've met 17 times

We have drank together We have smoked marijuana together I have your wife's phone number Like it's just Oh God Janey Janey Jane Janine When he finally started when he finally started

when he finally started recognising her he couldn't even get her name right for the record I'm very aware that that's the worst Tom Stade impression of all time but if you want good impressions why don't you go watch Gareth Waugh if you want good impressions go listen to fucking

Clear and Oblivious with Ginger and Baldilocks and the the three hairs listen to his class impressions baldy looks in the three hairs you know no you never heard that press that blue button pincer baldy B-B-B-B-Baldi! Baldi looks in the three hairs. I can't believe you've not heard that.

Yeah, I like it a lot. What about if you heard the terminology, if you're having a wank, it's Pamela, Henderson and her five sisters. Oh, yeah. That's older than you, that one. I think so. So is that not one of yours,

the Baldi looks in the three hairs is that like is that what you're saying it's part of the stock it's part of the pub stock aye it's just out there it's one of those

good bits that belongs to the world and somebody said it once the first time aye there's always a

source for these very funny jokes aye memes oh god my you know it's hell on earth

my balls are very itchy hell on earth my balls are very itchy that's it my balls my balls are very itchy and I would like to scratch them but I've already done

so much damage hit your balls on the podcast I can't I can't hit your balls on the podcast again I'm going to have to worm around

and try and just like hit them on my thigh itching your balls from the back Itching your balls From the back It looks like you're Picking your arse Wiping I did

How dare you I was No no I was trying to Itch you with my Inner thigh Just sort of Scrubble it up

Into some sort of I'm just going to Have a deep Use your feet Scratch away your feet Use my teeth Did you use your feet? Scratch away your feet. Did you use my teeth? Did you just Marge Simpson me?

Fucking grumble. Homer. Once again, if any of you were, that was a bad Marge Marsh Simpson impression But if you want Good impressions Go listen To Baldi Locks

And the Three Hair And Ginger's podcast We haven't had Gareth on the podcast For ages We should definitely Have him back on Because he's way

Funnier than Cullen We're going to be Doing a lot of them From your studio soon So Let's just get the boys on Just the boys Just the boys, no girls

We do, we are a very sexist podcast We've only had like Two All the girls are not a good crack But not podcast level And also neither of our partners Can bear to be on this We've toyed with the idea a couple of times

and they're both in the mind of like, oh, if I'm drunk enough, I'll do it. Aye. I'll do it. I see Cara can only be drunk at the moment. Cara's kind of drunk now. Because she believes some stupid shit the doctors say. These myths that they spread.

They really want to do an I love you but episode, but we'll just kind of get it right. Aye. And also Cara doesn't find anything wrong with you no she from top to bottom

I'm her dream man what do you think her biggest gripe would be with you if you were apart from the fact that I fucking made her pregnant

and fucked off to Vegas apart from that one something less obvious something a bit more subtle I mean just the standard middle-class, white, stereotypical gripes like I fart too much.

I am an idiot. I'm forgetful. Does she think your fart is like a personal insult to her? No, but she doesn't like the glee and the ecstasy that I get from the endeavour. But my thing is always, very rarely do my farts actually

smell. They're just noises. Mines are purely... I think your house doesn't have a smell, isn't it? It's just because of your own fart. No, no, no, no. I know the smell of my own farts and they can change. To be fair, I've been in close proximity with you for a long time

over the years and I haven't really picked up on it I've just it's a clean butt I wish

Natalie found farts as funny as I did would have a few more laughs per day and way more

chemistry during sex I'm going to stop laughing During sex Stop laughing When I fart She takes it personally Like she takes it Really personally That I farted

Like If I fart in front of her I might as well Just look at her With a straight face And go Fucking cunt She looks at us

In the same way As if I just Tell her I fucking Hate her I don't know What else I just Don't know Carla I think my She does seem to be

A fan of mine Aye Aye What would Natalie Hear about you Will you dress yourself Maybe Aye

Maybe to start Aye She doesn't She doesn't seem to be That arsed by anything Will you dress yourself? Maybe. Aye. Maybe start. Aye. She doesn't seem to be that arsed by any fun of day, really. Really? Because I could tell you a bunch of stuff we talk about you behind your back. She hates it when I've got stuff on my teeth. Aye. If I've got stuff on my teeth, she doesn't like it.

She does act like I've put a thing in my tooth just to piss her off. Like as if I've been in the mirror and just carefully put the thing in her teeth and then I just come in and smile like hey babe I think she does think I think she this'll fucking do her

nothing this'll piss her off so man I can't wait to see the look on her face I'm going to tell a story that involves me

smiling loads fucking this is going to be great she thinks it's calculative I think between stuff and me

teeth and fart she doesn't like how slow you drive sometimes I know that that's one thing that bothers me about Natalie

is she can't just be a passenger in the car. She has to also be driving. Oh, she's a side seat, back seat driver. She's a driving instructor. That has probably a lot to do with my driving. Oh, that's one of Cara's gripes about me. But Cara gets car sick very easily because she's genetically weak.

And inferior because of the aforementioned symptoms she so she doesn't like my driving I mean I drive a Tesla

and I drive like a fucking I drive like a fucking legend but when she drives it she's absolutely fine because

she knows where she's fucking going so her body's fully prepared for it but yeah one of her grades for me

so you have to be like you have to drive a bit more yeah well I mean at this point you're quite an erratic driver though no you always want to get up

to the roundabout as quick as you can even if it means stopping quite quick at the end my car goes not to 60 you can't just glide up

I can get ahead of most other people you change speed a lot. Aye. Aye. I speed up. You zoom. You zoom to whatever's in front of you.

Even if you could just get on the speed, like, you know, if you just keep going, you can get on the roundabout or whatever, but you'd speed up and stop and let the car go, and that'd speed off rather than just like flowing your driving doesn't flow aye

and I think that's that's what she would say aye so now now that she's obviously gets sick for other reasons it's just her fucking job to drive all the time and also

I'm getting fucking shit faced and she's not drinking it's like a designated driver aye and to be fair to Natalie as well I'll give her this it's like sometimes she'll be like oh it's this junction here but like I'll fair at that level as well I'll give her this it's like

sometimes she'll be like oh it's this junction here but like I'll know it was that junction and I'll be like on my way to get into that junction she does that Marlena thing

but this is what in fairness to her she'll try and hold back but then every now and again I'll actually miss a junction and she'll go there's that junction there I just didn't want to say

because you'd get annoyed by it but I'll be like oh right okay maybe maybe I'll be like oh right okay maybe maybe I'll bring this on myself but I think so I think that's like three things

I'd love you but is like I'd love you but just look in the mirror and sort your fucking tea food and fart in the bathroom and stop making us

tell you exactly how to drive your car when I'm in the way yeah cars would be my driving my Stop making us tell you exactly how to drive your car Yeah, cars would be My driving My Farting

God, it sounds like such a boring middle class man What's middle class if we're driving and farting? Well, middle class, you're right But you know You're such a stereotypical bloke Oh, like it's birthday car jokes know, all the shit. You're such a stereotypical bloke. Oh, like, it's birthday card jokes. Like, that's the fucking shit with it. God, I did have a third one there.

She fucking hates about me, wouldn't it? She hates that you're a dishwasher Nazi. She does. No, she just needs to up her fucking game. She hates that you're a Nazi. Hates that I'm a regular Nazi. That's fair. That's fair.

Dad jokes. Do you really miss her? Yes, I. I mean, I always miss her when I'm away. But this one is a way more manageable one because... I was thinking particularly hard and you were like, way more manageable one Because I was thinking particularly hard And you were like way more manageable No

Psychologically Because you're going to get to see her next week Yeah it's definitely harder because She's carrying life That's allegedly You're missing the progression of her pregnancy From first hand anyway It's a bit from that.

We've only been away for four weeks and then she's out next week and the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other is 16 weeks. So four or five always pales in comparison to that. And it still sucks, but it's the fucking job. There's no other alternative.

It's not like I'm not going to fucking come out here and crush America just hang out with your pals in Vegas and that you kind of Cara I'm very busy I'm doing this for hours

all the profits from the tour went on gambling and thankfully I won so ha ha ha ha ha ha can't be mad cannot be mad

where's my fucking phone so I've got some things bit of pork up in. So I've got some things to say about your dad. What do you? I don't know what the mile I was having a poo. Was it a good poo? Mmm, didn't do it, it was ghostly. Wish I was surprised at that, the way we were drinking.

I wasn't expecting him to just do one wiper. Yeah, it was a one wiper. Chris March just asked what we're missing so we're doing a podcast there we are he was meant to be on this but we just couldn't

pull ourselves together we wanted to go and play golf your dad bet on himself in a dead pool before killing himself so that you'd get 50 pound inheritance your dad does the

hole in the bottom of the popcorn thing to kids who ask for a trick on Halloween. Your dad tried to pay for a prostitute in kind. Your dad's got a wandering brown eye. Your dad had a whitey from smoking a cigarette. Your dad's... Sorry. Your dad's hugs feely from smoking a cigarette. Your dad's... Sorry. Your dad's hugs feel hollow and like empty gestures.

Your dad once got bollocked off the head teacher for smoking weed with the other kids in the playground at the parents' teacher evening. Your dad plays Sims with a family of four who are very happy and they're called Kevin, Linda, Gavin and Justine. I'm off gigging. I'm in Vegas.

When your dad has his pudding, he uses the custard out of custard creams. Your dad eats eggs by popping a straw in the top of them like a Capri Sun. Oh, nice. Let's go and do it and smoke that spliff Bye guys Bye forever