Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 6. Minnesota Nice

Episode Date: July 25, 2019

Despite having an awesome time living the dream of touring 'merica, Muggins and Cream have a "my diamond shoes are too tight" podcast exaggeratedly complaining about a few minor incidents as though we they have real problems, levelling a few jobsworth nuggets along the way. 

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Do you particularly like lions? Do I like lions? Aye. Why, is this a set up for a joke? No, no, it's just... Oh, the backdrop. It's the entire background of your laptop. It's a picture of a male lion.

It's Pride Week. Actually, not too proud of you, too. It's always Pride's always pride week if you're gay enough yeah well no I've just got to I've just got to just because they're brave

so random it's because it's random no no no it's coming into the star sign of Leo right now fact

actual genuine fact I'm not dumb enough to know if that's true I know it's true because it's my brother's birthday in two days, and he's a Leo, he can tell. I cannot fucking stand that shit. Yeah, we put that in Muggle Corner way back, didn't we?

You know what? I think we actually put it in Muggle Corner on the podcast that didn't go up because we were too drunk. Oh, maybe. If you believe in any form of astrology, and I mean any form of it, find a corner that is also located near the Grand Canyon and go and just jump off that and stop slowing down the rest of society, please.

Like, it's... I don't know if you've heard about... It's no stupider than any religion. It's no stupider than any religion. Like, it's less tolerable because you can't get done for, like, hate speech for making people not believe in star signs. But it's not much different to fucking any other religion. Pick one so I don't have to

isolate one. Pick any. Even atheism. Atheism's not religion, but Christianity. Christianity, it's like, fucking, you know, if you can believe in all of that fucking water into wane fucking walk on water

all this miracle based stuff here's the difference right Christians right Christians thick as picture

they all are across the board if you're religious in any way form you're stupid they're all just flat earthers to me alright

so but Christians and all the other religious people they go right here's the rules for the world here's this rule that this wizard came up with and that's what I'm going to believe in.

That's fine. Astrologists are worse. They go, hey, I'm a dick. And I'm a dick because from this one point in the universe, seven of those stars kind of look like a lion when I was born. So I'm actually allowed to be quite rude today. So why don't you fuck yourself in what's a

what's really like like if it is just because that's the vague shape of the constellation then how come the one that's the bull has stuff that's like a bull

the one that's like a scorpion has stuff like that like that's just coincidence but it's but it's also the fact that it's only first of all

none of the stars tend to look like the fucking animals anyway but they only look like that from this specific point on Earth. Like the stars in fucking Orion's belt are billions of light years away from each other. Distance-wise, some are closer, some are further away. They only look like a line from this particular fucking angle. From any other angle, it's a different fucking thing.

And even then it's the crudest draw, like a lot of them are a stretch. And I know that, again, for everyone that is dumber than me and by dumber than me I mean astrology if you believe in any form of astrology I am smarter than you and that's the end of the discussion if you believe in this shit

I know you think there's more to it but there's not because it's yeah like you can surely you can get enjoyment out of it as a muggle by reading it and going oh that's just like me

or like fucking you know how sometimes they put your numbers up and you put the lottery on you've got to pick them some way right like just if you just enjoyed it absentmindedly you're still a fucking pure muggle I just it's why would you take it it's pride

in ignorance is what I don't like look you're allowed to be fucking stupid like because a lot of the time if it's not your fault you're stupid I've got nothing against you if you go out of your way to be the stupid. Because a lot of the time, if it's not your fault you're stupid, I've got nothing against you. If you go out of your way to be the dumbest cunt I know, like, fuck you. Well, it's all broad strokes as well, isn't it?

If it's like, oh, you've been stressed at work this week, and they're fucking putting it out on a Wednesday. Not many people aren't stressed at work. Have you seen what all the fucking astrologers are getting themselves fucking wet over at the moment? So there's this iPhone app, which I don't have because I don't have an iPhone,

called The Pattern, right? And the reason it went viral is because internationally known member of Mensa and Smartest Man Alive, Channing Tatum. You know how he should absolutely be the voice of... Magic Mike. Yeah, and I don't mean to besmirch Channing Tatum, but I think he's a fucking funny guy,

and I love him in most of the movies. He's dreamy. He's a handsome fucking man. He coasts on his looks a bit yeah the Ryan Gosling kind of way before you introduced me the film that is called 21 Jump Street yeah no it wasn't it wasn't actually that one what one the Ryan Gosling crazy stupid love oh crazy I thought he was good in that sorry no no no Charlie Timm wasn't in no no I'm talking about Ryan Gosling but I'm saying he coasts on his looks in the Ryan Gosling kind of way. Like, if Ryan Gosling wasn't a good-looking man,

he couldn't get away with that lack of acting in all of his movies. Oh, Channing Tatum. Yeah, if he looked like Stephen Pichemi, but acted like fucking Ryan Gosling. I'm trying to think. See, I didn't particularly, like, drive, so I'm not even going to have to think about that.

No, it's just because he's brooding all the time. Like, if you cut out, like, if you cut together the words that he says, it's a three-minute movie. Like, a lot of it's just because he's brooding all the time like if you cut out like if you cut together the words that he says it's a three minute movie like a lot of it's just these pregnant pauses and looking looking upset I think it's a fact

that a lot of times you and I just don't watch Ryan Gosling movies because they're Ryan Gosling movies maybe he has a good action I don't know I watch Behind the Pines

anyway yeah go on Channing fucking Tatum who is a great comedic actor a big fan of is not a smart man

and I'm not saying he's stupid, but he's not a member of anything. He did this fucking video where he's got this app pattern and he's like, how do you know this stuff about me? Like, did all this stuff. So you type in your date, type in your fucking birthday, your star sign or whatever, and it tells you something personal about yourself. So this is what these

morons are currently getting buzzed off. Chanting to him, a grown man went to his phone which he spends all of his time on and logs into every single possible online thing then downloads another app

and it goes hey hey we know all the stuff about you and he's like star signs are amazing right

all of these fucking morons these dumbest cunts that walk the fucking planet they go onto their smartphone where they put in every single bit of information All of these fucking morons, these dumbest cunts that walk the fucking planet, they go on to their smartphone where they put in every single bit of information about them and their family, and then they type in their address, they're going, oh my God. How does this God say no, I want a Canada Goose jacket?

How does Jupiter, while in retrograde, know all of my mutual friends on Instagram? What is going on? You fucking morons but the line on the back of my screensaver right now is just like you know there's like a shot of space there's a picture of a line and there's a vanna it's like whatever Apple's got preloaded as

screensaver stuff but when it's on the login mode which it barely is because I'm usually logged in it's not like I share it with anyone else when it's in the login mode it just puts a random picture from a collection that i don't know where the collection's from like there's a picture of me like pointing at a date on my calendar with my finger i clearly took it so that like like i took a picture of my laptop screen like way back before i even had like my apple stuff synced so i basically took all the photos that i've ever had

and put them in a file here. So, from the previous computer. From the previous computer, right? Yeah, just to save them. And it fetched it,

just random picture of us, like, pointing at a bit of my calendar. Like, God knows what pictures are on there from fucking... I mean, I guess you'll find out if you look,

I don't know. 2008. Just like when you used to do war crimes. So, yeah, we're in Atlanta now in Georgia Georgia seems nice we haven't seen any of it

we got straight off the plane aye because we were in Denver for two days we were a couple of days off from Denver aye it just got very very high we went to a place called the Punchbowl Social

aye which every other bar needs to open a game aye because it's a big bar restaurant strolling, right? You've got balls lanes over there, you've got dartboards over there you've got pinball machines over there, you've got

online, not online VR headsets hanging from the ceiling actual VR not Playstation VR or 90's knockout VR actual legit 5

that was the Vive 5 so that's there with like quite easy menus to pick your game that you want to play you book it for like

an hour and you're just in this table service coming up while you're playing VR with your mates like we've barely left the place

like this is everything we need under one roof like you can have a drink you can have some food but you can also just go and Rach we'll just go and do that now

aye there was fuck it we played some table tennis aye well very very big and then we went go kart racing or at least I did I mean you

you beat my best time by a second which is quite a bit in em yeah in go kart world aye but anyway the crowd's giving the universe best time by a second which is quite a bit in a go-kart world aye the crowds give you the universe

yeah if you're like in a year I'll listen to this podcast yeah so you're marginally beat as a go-kart it's the first time I've spoken to your wife in a while because I put up the scores on Instagram

and your wife and I only communicate for two reasons when we're not directly beside each other and it's one if one of us thinks the other one is dead

like if one of us thinks you're dead we're just like he's not fucking honest he's like what yeah like when we were at the bull run and you rang her

and she saw your name flashing up and you were like oh well Danny doesn't just like yeah like when we were at the bull run and you rang her and you saw your name flashing up and you were like oh well Danny doesn't just ring for a chat alright he doesn't care so that's the

one reason I'll ever message her is to just sort of updates on your health or when either one of us

is complaining about you driving I don't know why he's complaining about my driving it's the same don't get me wrong don't get me wrong

it is incredibly safe driving. I'm not criticising your safety. Not when I'm go-karting. I've never felt... I was like a fucking millisecond off you. No, it's just the way you drive. You're indicated. By putting your foot under the accelerator and lifting it to brake, right?

Yeah, the go the go kart was good the go kart was good I was still a little bit high for that oh I was very high because yeah we smoked a weed in the morning

when we got the go kart and I was like it's America man they do not give a shit if you are going to kill yourself or hurt yourself in any way

that is profit that's why they're freedom because the only reason America has freedom is because they can profit off of

it you can profit from healthcare yeah you profit yeah of course it is like it's a set if you want to

you want to hey do you want to eat so much you become a fat fuck and you've got to live in your house great welcome

to America that'll be a hundred thousand dollars hey you want a gun you want a gun and shoot fucking people

absolutely as long as every time you shoot them we get to charge them two hundred thousand dollars That'll be $100,000. Hey, you want a gun? You want a gun and shoot fucking people? Absolutely. As long as every time you shoot them, we get to charge them $200,000. Which is weird that they're against abortion. Because surely you can get some sort of... That'd be such a moneymaker. Such a moneymaker. Just, you know... They should be trying to ban condoms.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think you do have to... Yeah, I must have to... God, paid for an abortion. Nice country, man. It's not Georgia, though, is it? trying to ban condoms yeah I mean yeah I think you do you must have God paid for an abortion this country man it's not Georgia though is it

they banned did I have to pay for abortions in the UK no how many you had me personally well by the second time

I went in there he was like right look you paid for an STD test I did pay for an STD test and then they got it wrong aye

aye phoned them up and they were like congratulations they got it wrong I thought they're like congratulations you got nothing I was like fuck it thanks boys amazing work then to say they feel they were like oh actually yeah chlamydia and I was like oh fuck okay what do I do now and then I will be here coming in some pills I was like a man what no like and then and then you know chlamydia I was like oh well that's underwhelming I was like what the symptoms and I was interested you have it was like none they're well, that's underwhelming. I was like, what are the symptoms? They're like, what symptoms do you have?

And I was like, none. They're like, then that's the symptoms of chlamydia today. They were just the most dogged. So you had it or you didn't? Didn't have it, but no symptoms. So they're just like, you've got chlamydia. And I was like, how? There's no mark.

There's no sign of it. There's no, it doesn't burn my vein. You're just infertile now, which explains why you've had no abortions. Wait, look look I would have loads of fucking abortions I don't think it's Georgia where maybe Georgia

is abortions are legal in Georgia I don't know I don't fucking know man we don't know much no not at all but

right before we get into this and I'm going to say it with a caveat we're going to talk about what happened in we're going to talk about all of Indiana right we're not going to talk about what happened in we're going to talk about all of Indiana

right we're not going to mention the place because I refuse to be those people oh 16 bed no edit it

edit it I refuse you didn't mention it no I don't I don't first of all we'll get into

so we're into Indiana the place where if you've seen my specials Dark you'll know that that was the place where I had the man with the place where if you've seen my specials Dark you'll know that that was the place where the man

with the gun showed me his gun and then the other man threatened to shoot him if he shot me hilarity ensues went back there

was quite not necessarily fucking nervous but like I think that's the difference between you going to a club where it's just

full of like regular people to you doing your own show where your name's on the ticket and they're already fans you know like

there's no way that if you started doing any anti-religion stuff there you were gonna be yeah the people knew what to fucking expect

that's the good thing about Netflix there's infinitely less walk up now anyone that's in the audience is there to fucking see me and genuine I did not expect this to be the case but indiana was genuinely one of my favorite ones on the tour yeah that was the

big worry wasn't it yeah so it wasn't it wasn't a big one i walked around the street man and i i feared the place we were there on a sunday so it was a little bit ghost town not salt lake city level ago yeah yeah yeah not dead there was There were still places open, a few restaurants, a few bars and stuff, but the majority of the shops were shut down and the streets were populated with actual crazies. I'm not even going to say homeless people because

some of them were just walking around shouting and they didn't seem to be looking for change. They didn't seem to be getting by. Yeah, no, that's welcome to, those are all the vets. They just seem vagrant. Yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong, they're still hopeless. But there was one

guy, right, and he was just like, I'm going to try and do the voice, he was like, oh man, there's too many goddamn faggots in this town, man, they're always up in them hotel rooms just sucking each other's dicks, I'm ready to go to war, if they're on my side, I'll shoot them, it'll be by accident. I don't give a fuck.

And he was like, and he was just giving it big, he wasn't far from us and I kind of, I wanted to hear everything he said. I didn't want to miss a beat because he was speaking like Boomhauer off King of the Hill.

Like that trigger happy, fast and I was picking up like most of it. I had my headphones on but nothing playing. Aye. And I was just trying, because I didn't want to engage with him at all that would be fucking so dangerous I tempted a little bit just because of the shit that he was spouting right I

kind of wanted to pretend I felt them just to get more out of him and just maybe say hey I've got a few followers on Instagram you need to reach more people with this message right just to get him right not like just humour him

just to show the fucking world that these people actually exist and it's not a cliche written by South Park you know that

gay as hell you know that's the the NASCAR the guys he must have been PTSD

he was just in the street that was what he was doing with his Sunday what like kicking off with gay I don't you reckon he was just in the street that was what he was doing with his Sunday what like kicking off with gay people aye

do you reckon so I think he was bonkers like aye that's what I so you think that's what you kind of do

like if it's yeah that's when I probably got PTSD and for me that's when you I'm going to go as far as say he didn't even get

posted anyway he was just in the kind of TA just searching salvation army chat for sure you I'm going to go as far as say he didn't even get posted anyway he was just in the kind of tea no to me that sounds like fucking you know because again

one of the many many things about this as we've said many times in this podcast PTSD doesn't

give you them kind of views though no but no but no no but that's being a redneck yes but

no no no and also it might give you the view you don't know what it's like in the fucking American army system man they've just

like trans people were allowed down for years until Trump fucking banned them there used to be that whole thing of like you could

be gay in the army where it was just don't say no like man there's definitely going to be fucking homophobia in the army it's probably

compounded more than there but I do reckon that's PTSD just not in the sense of the views but like the yelling out in the middle of the probably compounded more than there but I do reckon that's PTSD just not in the sense of the views but like the yelling out

in the middle of the street now again this is where we get the sort of ethics of it of like he's absolutely

fucking allowed to hate gay people right that's his right he's wrong but he's well fucking with it his right to fuck it

privately and with no when it doesn't affect them, in any fucking way, in any way, but if you're walking around the street, you don't know who's hearing it, right,

like, I can't, like, I was, I was only ever going to be a bystander, in America, you know, like,

especially in that state, but he's also, maybe he's doing good for, like, because he's doing it in such a horrific fucking way, he's doing more for the LGBT community, like, when you're just spouting off in the middle of the street

like a fucking crazy person that you don't like gay people nobody else is certainly being like man he is making an excellent point I'm going to adopt

these views from this coherent man in the middle of the street yeah so even homophobic people are watching his rant and just going

oh that's the side I'm on oops oh we're the bad guys yeah it's just like oh god is that it was on my fucking team

right now em alright so yeah there was a couple of crazies there was another guy that em like

I could tell because at this point I was listening to me book and I was I was just having a smoke outside the hotel and I could vaguely hear him shouting but then I looked over

and I realised he was shouting at me and I took my headphones down and he was like your days are done and he was like across the road shouting I But then I looked over and I realised he was shouting at me and I took my headphones down and he was like, your days are done! And he's like across the road shouting that at us. I didn't know what the preamble was, but it ended with your days are done. Different guy.

They do. The level of homeless in America, and also everywhere. I don't think we've been to a single state yet where I haven't seen a thousand homeless people there's been many Natalie picked up on this actually she was like

is there being thrown in America under the bus for the homeless people right but fucking London's just as bad right now she's going like it's not just in America thing like we've got to

get on to it's actually not that bad in Scotland we've got problems but we're not we still have to we still have to Edinburgh has had that fucking one day where

everyone goes and sleeps with them. Edinburgh is generally quite good. Just to boost a couple of things, there's some very very good homeless businesses in Scotland, in Edinburgh specifically. What's it called? Social Bite is a great little fucking every time you buy a soup and a sandwich there it pays for a soup and a sandwich

for homeless people no no it's run by homeless people it's cooked by fucking homeless people and any of the excess food is given to them 100% of the money

made there goes into the charity George Clooney is a big fan of it whenever he's over they're doing more and more they're very good

yeah the charity that I briefly mentioned there is the one that does the people sleep rough in the park. Yeah. Like, each person that's doing it's getting sponsorship and raising money, which is raising awareness. Raising awareness in the air. Scotland is, again, I'm not going to claim for a millisecond that Scotland does not have homelessness,

but compared to what I've seen over here, it's... Well, isn't there... The drug of choice over here is more easily accessible. Like, I think it's a lot easier to get meth than it is for someone to get heroin.

It's not just meth, it's the opioids, man. It's the legal drugs. It's the fucking... It's the Xanax. It's the fucking... What's all the ones that Eminem liked? Dayquil.

Lempstip. Calpol. Aye, half a Flintstones vitamin. Aloe vera gel. Just too much yeah barocca still snorting though

so pretty hardcore fizzes up halfway down your throat it's fucking awful bashes up on a barocca gets into

two fat lanes all the legos but then they've got the opioids one over here so I think it's a mixture

of the homeless problem in America I think it's a mixture of three things one it's they don't have they problem in America. I think it's a mixture of three things. One, it's they don't look after their vets, despite what they say. So they've got people coming... Do they have a Help for Heroes thing?

Is where the government lacks in the UK, where I've got the charities... Again, to do America a service, I do not doubt for a millisecond there are many, many many many people doing charity work for these people and doing the best they can that being said there's a lot of veterans they've all got PTSD it's a hard problem

to solve yeah that's one of the things that comes with having one of the biggest armies in the world it's like they haven't got the infrastructure for reintegrating these people back into society I mean they could but they just choose not to anyway so there's that then there's also the fact that they've got so there's that then there's also the fact that they've got the

opioid problem and then it's also the fact that they don't really not enough of them give a shit yeah what I want to know

is how that old man knows they're up in the hotel room sucking each other's dicks well how does he know that well because in the same way

if you saw me and Peggy going up to a hotel room you'd be like well they're going up to Saki Jets two dudes when he sees us coming in with our luggage

yeah that's why that's why we shout probably he's probably shouting about us so right Indianapolis

I want to cover Minneapolis we haven't done that yet no and we've also not done the end bit of the Indiana okay so right Indianapolis I want to cover Minneapolis we haven't done that yet no and we've also not done the end bit of the Indiana okay so after the show

oh yeah yeah yeah we decided to do what we all sometimes do not all the times sometimes we decide to do if we go out after the show because we had the day off

on the Monday and it was like a later check out we were like fuck it let's absolutely go to an arcade bar which I'm still good look we can debate it on the air don't mention again you've mentioned it once

okay and then we can discuss on air why I think we don't say the name of the company and why you think we do okay and then it can be okay so to give the story of what happened was we after the show we hear about the arcade bar we just knew the venue we're like perfect we're going to go back to the hotel we'll drop off our stuff

we'll come out for a couple of drinks we'll shout on Instagram where we're going to be we'll mingle hey we're going to go be here we'll see you there

we get out of the hotel about ten past eleven and Mike Malloy who was also opening for me last week was like hey this place shuts at 12

or was it 1 oh no it was 1 so yeah it was 10 past midnight and I was like well that's 50 minutes that's perfect time couple of games in

couple of drinks with fans and then a perfect excuse for me to leave at 1am and be great and catch a flight the next morning

yeah so we turn up to the bar and 20 folk there about yeah 20 if that uh all every single one of them a bit of the show yeah every single person was there because we were going to be there perfect nobody else in this there was maybe like three people that were just

leaving yeah that kind of saw the kind of commotion yeah so we come in and we've all got the guy goes IDs which I'm 28 years old Kyle you are 36 Neil is 51 Neil is 51 oh thereabouts I took a stab at this point

it's like like Neil this happened in fucking Boulder last week Neil had to go back for his fucking passport because the guy was a fucking jobs worth

and it makes no sense what are you trying to achieve because like that guy was never 20 he's never fucking 20

so we turn up and the guy goes do you have any ideas so we all pull our British

passports out British driver's licenses that get me through any domestic

flight within the United States got me any money I wanted out at the casino in Vegas, allowed me to get marijuana at any fucking place I've been to get marijuana so far

allows me to buy alcohol in stores over here means I can rent a car over here and just in general is you can get me a car anywhere else in the world and mine got me into a brothel on Chile Road when I was 16 there you go, yeah, so these things work this doorman decided

that we needed passports now, the reason we don't travel around with our passports is because I have a very very impressive visa because I'm a very very impressive man that's in my passport, if I lose that I lose the fucking visa and then I can't get in America again I do not travel anywhere apart from the fucking airport with my passport

it's too much of a goddamn risk it's an important document same goes for you yeah it's got your visa on it it's fucking expensive if I lose my

driver's license fine I've lost my driver's license I'll sort that out when I'm home if I lose my passport I can't get fucking home 800 ticket sales a day

going by the wayside where you can't get around yeah and then I mean you could because you could use your driving licence but yeah

you're not getting back home the Canada gigs fuck Canada gigs would be fucked I wouldn't be able to come back next year I wouldn't be able

to come back at any point later on in this year until I had yeah it's such a big ask to say bring your passport absolutely it's a huge ask

it's like could you go and get your one year old baby please and show it at the door you're like no no it's precious huge ask it's like could you go and get your one year old baby please and show it at the door you're like no no it's precious to me I know I hope you won't yeah

could bring your playstation out with you absolutely not no I'm going to break it I cannot risk bringing this fucking thing out luckily I've got this fucking waterproof

plastic fucking card with me hologram and photograph embedded into it and it's not and everyone else except you

you are not above any of these things so this fucking jobs worth thing goes I can't accept this and we're just again calmly

logically going hey here's the deal we can't travel with the passports because it's too fucking precious and also this is accepted

and everyone else and what are you using it for you're checking our age yeah this is our age accept this yeah and then he goes

I'm going to get my manager so the manager comes over but the manager on the walkover had decided he wasn't like I said he came over and he's like I'm really sorry

there's nothing I can do I'm like yes there is it's your bar this is your decision and also yeah it's his decision I'm saying

you are I said to him you are wrong if you think it's the law because of the amount of places like this I've been in with the other ID

you're wrong in saying it's the law. It's just your protocol, and you have control over that. You're the one that made up that rule. You're the one enforcing it. Nobody else is making you live this life. This isn't a hill that anyone's making you die on. You are just so fucking brutal. At this point, I had seen that he wasn't going to...

I'd also seen that he was a massive fucking dweeb didn't have any right to authority this guy right Adam and Alfred's his fucking dad's company and he goes because he looked like

he was fucking the way he wore his authority was like wearing his dad's suit that didn't fit him and he's wearing the authority didn't fit him

it was baggy on him it was just like you don't you shouldn't have that you're not used to it you don't know how to You're not used to it. You don't know how to use it. And you're just using it right now to be an utter prick.

Oh, it was. And again, at this point, this is when I left because I was, he'd made his fucking decision and I just, I don't like arguing

with people like that. The doorman was actually mortified, wasn't he? Oh, good. Because he realised the situation. He realised that everybody, because the minute he just turned us away

we were just three people through the door and all of a sudden when the manager comes everybody that's just playing pinball or whatever just kind of flocked around

to see what was going on and that's when the doorman realised that the only reason there's people in here is with these guys and we're about to chuck 20 people out

yeah yeah yeah and so I want to just because you can't argue with illogical people right and it's the most frustrating thing it's like arguing

with anyone that believes in astrology or religion or whatever there's just a point where you go there's no point debate with you because one part of

your brain is turned off like it's just there's one bit where it's just not you and that reasoning stops with you computer says no computer says no

you're a computer program you're Computer says no. Computer says no. You're a computer program. You're part of the fucking simulation. There's nothing I can do to hack through your brain because that's just how you've been designed. And I'm going outside. But again,

this was my little fucking form of revenge. I knew we fucking weren't getting in, right? Because he'd made the rule. He was going to stick to it. He's a robot. I was like, I'm getting a photo with everyone outside of this place

I'm going to be as nice because again if I came out to see it I'll still say hello to them still have conversations with them and then absolutely make sure every single one of them you know

is aware without saying it but I'm like I would come in but he doesn't accept legitimate forms of ID so you spent the time that you would have spent

with them anyway outside at the door so he's watching all of his potential customers spend time with you instead of in his bar. Exactly. He couldn't have been... What kind of business model is that?

He couldn't have been invested financially in his company. So this is the debate about whether we put the fucking name in the thing. The reason I don't want to put the name of his fucking company under there, I hate mob mentality. Yeah. I absolutely fucking despise... Setting your followers under the table. I hate mob mentality. Yeah. I absolutely fucking despise...

Setting your followers onto people. It's very Piers Morgan-y, isn't it? Oh, no, it's... Oh, no, no, no. So few fucking celebrities are above it. It's my big... I think it's disgusting when celebrities are just like, this unfair thing happened to me,

but because it happened to me and I've got fans, it's the most unfair. Wait a minute. Viagogo. Viagogo? Viagogo. Is that not who you turn everyone on? Well, no, it was Viagogo. happened to me and I've got fans it's the most unfair wait a minute via go go via go go via go go is that not who you turn everyone on I was just laughing

at them because they all lost their jobs and I'm thrilled that they're all I know but before that were you not like but they weren't actually

taking stealing from you right they were scamming my fans they weren't legit via go go so you had to tell your fans don't

buy them a via go go they're buying the ticket at cost selling it to you as if yeah viaagogo basically would go on buy all the front row tickets

and then sell them for four times the fucking price and because my followers are fucking morons they would absolutely buy those ticket prices and not do it so I was just going

don't buy from there and then also when Viagogo lost their job oh fucking oh I hope they're starved so is that what happened they went bust then

so everybody must have turned on them no they didn't go bust I think their company has been shut down because it was it was illegal yeah

and hopefully they'll go to jail hopefully they'll be miserable bring back the death penalty etc etc but so I hate

mob mentality I hate even if we because even if we with the fucking best of intentions somebody can fucking decide on them

be like we're gonna boycott this fucking place it's over I'll never go back to that place the people that were with us will never go fucking back Because even if we, with the fucking best of intentions, somebody can fucking decide on them, be like, we're going to boycott this fucking place. It's over. I'll never go back to that place. The people that were with us will never go fucking back to that place. They'll talk. They'll talk.

They'll spread the word. I don't think we're going to do too much damage to the place. But no, it's a bit sucky. It's a shame we're stuck like that, because there's no need for it. It's just dickish. It's just dickish. So I was arguably more annoyed by that.

I had a little fucking rant on Instagram story, right? But I'll just call it a new. In Minneapolis, you know, I'd heard about Minnesota Nice. It's like everyone's just passive and polite, but it's actually a form of aggression. It's that shit-eating grin while telling you something you don't want to hear

and like nice as pie voice when they do it so Neil's got a he's got a gold membership on Virgin which is a partner company with Delta

which means he can get into the lounges right so every day that we've been with Delta we've been lucky enough to just fucking sit down in the lounge it's great

there's one that will go in this woman just massive grin on her face, fucking happily told with that, because it's a domestic and not a transatlantic, you're not allowed to do it. So she was actually right, right, about this. But she's the one that had like found this loophole

that the other people had just closed and just said, look, we're just going to fucking sit in here. So it turns out the other deltas had just been decent staff. All right, they'd say they'd been like, hey, we know why you made the mistake but it's not a fool

in you go of course why would we stop you coming in yeah it was the joy she took in rejecting me through this

fucking grin through this smile it should just like and I was like alright cool never mind bye

and we walked away and I went there's another delta lounge just up there let's just go to that one we went in the cunt had phoned ahead she phoned ahead

to the other place just in case the person there was decent just like no no no just like you know is it full over there

no no is it as dead as over here oh yeah cool anyway anyway two potential customers going to turn up just don't why

oh just I don't know fuck them because that's what we do. We smile through. So you had went to take a phone call while we were doing this, right? And we come back to find you, and it was just you sat at the gate on the phone, right? The rest of the gate's gone.

And Neil just walks up to the woman at the desk, right? And just went, excuse me, it says Baltimore on there. We're waiting for the flight for, I can't remember where we're going. Madison? Wherever we're going, right, wherever we're going, right, and she didn't even answer Neil, she picked up the fucking panel,

pressed it and went, for those of you who didn't hear, the first time it's been moved to gate D4 for the flight to Madison, right in front of his face, and Neil's just fucking looking at me like, what the fuck is this for real, but she'd done it with a massive smile on his face,

thank you, the other thing, oh, Minnesota Nice is the fucking most aggressive, not even passive, is this for real but she'd done it with a massive smile off his face thank you I was saying oh Minnesota Nice is the fucking most aggressive not even passive you cannot get away

with it by smiling you've been a cunt fucking the fucking the Minnesota airport was one of the worst airports as well it was just one of the

ones where you just I'm going to tell you this I'm more qualified than every single member of the TSA yeah you've been in more airports than them

I've been in more airports than them they've just been in theirs they've been in their one fucking airport they've been in one fucking training session right and that's

that's what it takes to fucking be a TSA guard is that's that's fucking it right you fail a security thing you go to TSA you've got your job right

I'm probably being aggressive I probably just hate the ones in front of me I love that how I ran now as well it's like I didn't get in the lounge in the arcade bar

it wouldn't let us in but like but this is this is what's important to mention we use the service industries on a fucking hourly basis we don't have

home comforts we rely on the service industry all we need every day is just find a service where can I get my money yeah trust me

trust me I'm spunking money you bleed money when you use the service industry as often as we have to alright so you go and so I've got a high not necessarily a fucking

high standard but I know what good I know we're not a lot of so much of the staff in America are so good which means when they when they're shit

they stand out astronomically yeah yeah and the fucking staff at most places except for the venue in Minneapolis the fucking staff they were very cool for the venue in Minneapolis the fucking staff they were very cool

but like the TSA ones were fucking cunts like she was like you've got to take your speaker out of your bag oh is that the one where all three of us

went doing the thing because that was the same day as the lounge and the gate thing I remember all three of our bags went through for mine it was the speaker

right and she was like you've got to take that out but it was like like fucking as if I should have out but it was like like fucking as if I should have known this I'm like that's

you listen to me the speaker has been in me bag for 21 days I've had 21 day to us so far right you're the only person

that's taken out your bag so who's wrong me are you yeah I flew from the fucking UK to here with it

lose your fucking attitude you work for the TSA you are not even a fucking police officer like it's there's no I can't fucking stand it yeah

but I think you know what I as well think groundwork is because we're coming straight after Vegas as well so we're tender we're tender and then having to put up with that

no no man I always like I appealed to someone that day, just because every step of the way, right, from fucking... Apparently Neil had trouble with a check-out at the hotel as well. The Uber got stuck in traffic. The TSA, all our bags went through.

That lounge thing fucked up, then the gate thing. And I ended up going into a restaurant and just appealing to the waitress. And I just went, we're having an absolute nightmare. We've got a flight in, like, 35 minutes is when it starts boarding do you think if we sit down

and order food we'll be able to get it for them because we could deal with a break and she just she just went you two sit down I'll start with coffees I'm going to look after you

and like so if we're going to be slagging people off I've got to that way that just like realised that we're having a fucking nightmare

again so again the reason you fucking the reason we fucking bitch about these things is first of all it's not a funny podcast if it just

talks about her great fucking everything I fucking hate I hate people that love that like if you're if this is a really shitty opinion

to fucking out but it's the type of person I am right if you're the type of person that buys into like fucking positive memes and positive

seize the day fucking action like Joe Rogan always retweets this like fucking really fucking rip guy he's like I'm positive I'm fucking positive memes and positive seize the day fucking attitude. Like Joe Rogan always retweets this like fucking really fucking rip guy. He's like, I'm positive. I wake up every day, I'm positive every day. And I'm like, cool. You're fucking exhausting.

Never talk to me. Like you are my, I would never, ever, ever want to take away any single part. If these things that sincerely make you happy, make you happy, good, right? Deep down, I find them the lamest thing in the world.

I don't believe you. You're a liar. And I find you pathetic. But I'm going to keep that to myself privately. As long as you keep your joy to yourself privately. I just... In America... I must be pretty unbearable sometimes because I'm mostly joyous.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not in that way. No, no, no, no. Not in that fake, like, present yourself way. You're not bright it's not like there is a smugness to those

fucking happy there's a just hey so hey guys so this morning I just just woke up meditate for about

30 minutes and then I just really thought that was positive my day and then I got up and I didn't I didn't want to get

fresh air but you know what I forced myself I thought of all the things I was grateful for and I wrote a list I wrote a list and I put it on my fucking wall up there and then I went up and I didn't want to get fresh air but you know what I forced myself I thought of all the things I was grateful for and I wrote a list and I put it on my fucking wall up there

and then I went out and I got up in the sun and then it started raining and you know it's okay it's okay that sometimes it rains I'm like fucking

grow up it's good for the crops oh like if that's and also because and the reason I feel so bad about insulting these types of people

is I there are people out there they're dealing with their mental health issues they are clearly and and and they these posts positively affect other people so I shouldn't be insulting many ways shape or form if these positive things do positive things for you keep them I think they're very important but you do not send them in

half the time as well the lake're lake farming. It's transparent. It's transparent. It's like when you see something that's positive, but it isn't new, it's not creative, it's not fresh. I'm like, oh, you're recycling for lakes.

You're like repackaging someone else's fucking shit so that you can get the validation from it. That's not healthy. Yeah, yeah. It's not good for fucking, you know, I must be exhausted being that positive. not good for fucking you know I must be exhausted being that positive maybe things will you know be good what why be realistic I'm largely positive though because stuff's normally good I be put spin

something like I but I will get annoyed if stuff like that happens I'm not gonna be like fucking I'm not gonna think just hope they're okay and pray for them whatever the fuck they are That's the thing is Kill them with kindness I do a little bit of kill them with kindness I pick my battles with kill them with kindness Some people I'll kill with kindness and then other people's depending on how many witnesses are there

Yeah Because here's one of the burdens, here's one of the very few burdens again and I never want to talk about the burdens of fame any celebrity that complains about being famous is a fucking full shit asshole and they're just spoiled, don't listen to anyone oh I can't go and do this, fucking grow up, you can afford security fuck you, what a joyous life where you have to afford security

fuck you oh don't get no primacy, you chose a life you know what you signed up for, shut your goddamn fucking mouth right, one of the downstairs speakers said to me, not that I ever was I can never be rude to stuff ever again in my life

I don't know I can man I've got to tip double for the rest of my life when we were in Denver you got recognised a couple of times

in the social there aye which we weren't performing there we weren't performing we were just in Denver there were free range fans and I was off

I was so high and I was so drunk yeah but if you were like being an arse and they might not have like they might not have presented themselves yet

and just went oh hey I love your stuff on Netflix can I get a photo they might not have done that yet they might have just been near you while you act like a dick so it's probably a good job

that you're decent the majority of the time oh but it's a good thing doing it all it's made me a better person. Like, this fucking, I don't want to be seen

as a dick. So, the only way to not be seen as a dick is to not be a dick. Well, the best way to be a good person

is if you were happy for someone to look on a crystal ball and see you at any point. Aye. Right?

If you could, like, Big Brother's watching all the time and just still be you except for the wanking

because even then I'd be like a dirty bastard why were you looking at the crystal ball when I was

having a wank I'm not going to apologise for that there's no shame comes with it I'm in a fucking hotel room

having a wank you're on crystal ball you dickhead you're telling me that you're happy for me not to watch you masturbate but to see what you're masturb me that you're happy for being not to watch you

masturbate but to see what you're masturbating to aye I reckon so all the time what all the time

aye I think so I think so you're just going to have something exciting where there's more men than women

I just want you to see a girl having a good time and I'm a big fan of integration that is a good again because

that's why I'm a good person I'm not a good person because it's intrinsically who I am I'm a good person because I don't want to be seen as a dick I hate that every time I say

something that's just like part of me moral fibre I feel like I've repeated it a bunch of times on the podcast but I always found that when you're

texting a girl when you're in the dating phase right you'll always do a lot better if you say right

if my friend saw this how would I look if her friend saw this how would I I look? If her friend saw this, how would I look? And just imagine she showing her mates and your mates are looking at her shoulder. Yeah,

our way is going to be a lot better. Because you're going to be saying that you're going to, first of all, that will stop you overshooting your load too early as well. Yeah.

Here's the thing. Look, here's the thing about love and lust. I don't see you being the same. Yeah. Love and lust are stupid things, but they are fucking overwhelming. We've all been in that situation

where you really fucking like someone and you're about to tell them that you really like them. Just imagine, your mates are there, they are fucking overwhelming I'm involved in that situation where you really fucking like someone and you're about to tell them you really like them just imagine your mates are there you're like I'm not you're not bailing your fucking heart and soul within the first three weeks to someone

if your mates are watching over your shoulder because they wouldn't let you fucking get away with it so why are you letting yourself get away with it it's the perfect fucking logic to have throughout life do you know about the time

I was texting my mates thinking I was a lass oh yeah but tell it so this is back like I'm going to say I was like fucking 22 or something

like I was recently single off my first relationship and I'm on a night out and Bruce is there with a couple of his mates from college or uni or whatever and I get with a girl

the next day I get a text off the girl saying I got your number off Brucey at college and I started texting her for a good week Made sextant. Filthy stuff? Huh? Filthy stuff? It got filthy, I let her lead the charge. Do you mind telling the messages? No, it was Nokia.

Stories of work. You know what, 140 characters. Couldn't really, I haven't got a vivid imagination. I'm not prepared. So I went to meet up at the Snowy Owl for a meal and then all the boys from football were there. What incidents? I was like, well, the thing is,

I'd been with the boys that morning bragging. Bragging about your date. I'd be there, I'd be like, oh, I'm off meeting this girl. I was like, well, Bruce, you play football with? And you were? From college? I'm bragging about your date I'd be there I'd be like oh I'm off meeting this girl like we've got a pussy football with from college fucking there go to meet her

at the snowy like this restaurant pub thing and all the boys were there and I was like oh you can't she's showed up

on me date you can't we are yet date I'd be texting the boys the fucking whole time even there I think it was then or so on

got his his missus to ring us see if I'm still on for a night chat with us for a bit to validate her so I actually spoke to her and just thought it was her

fucking still had a nice meal gambling eggs didn't get your hole though not the gambling eggs I was hoping for didn't get me hole at all but like

the whole time I was just like well you just saw me have good banter right you haven't banished yourself hold at all but like the whole time I was just like well you just saw me have good banter aye you can't embarrass yourself not at all aye

they're just like yeah you thought we were going to go you're like aye but like what what did I do though was that nice to you treat you with respect

aye if anyone ever reads messages I said piggy I'm going to jail you've said that a couple of times what are you saying

oh it's just we threaten to kill each other all the time we threaten to beat each other I say you've said that a couple of times what are you saying oh it's just we threaten to kill each other all the time we threaten to beat each other is that a cute face as I'm going through where you pretend

to be aggressive towards her because that would be funny if you were because you're actually not yes so if you're like fucking go and make us a pie now that's exactly what the joke is

if you're going to make me a pie that's the joke yeah the joke is it's kind of cute it's adorable the whole thing is the whole joke is wouldn't it be horrible if this was the situation it's kind of cute it's adorable we're adorable the whole thing is the whole joke is

wouldn't it be horrible if this was the situation it's a safe violation again and I know we repeat things all the time but what comedy is scientifically

I've said this before it's a safe violation if you if you tickle rats on their bellies they laugh and that's because it's a lighter version

of them being attacked by a cat or a fucking owl it's a safe version of them being attacked by a cat or a fucking owl it's a safe version of a dangerous thing they're scared but they're not the same they're scared

but they're not the same they're like oh this feels like the scary thing but it's actually not the scary thing it's the safest version yeah that's where comedy comes from

it's a safe violation so the things I find the funniest wouldn't it be awful if this was my opinion wouldn't it be awful that's why I say awful things

not because I think that awful things are funny but because I think it would be so funny if i was that horrible because it's such a and facebook spoiled it for like um you know if a celebrity died you know like as people are publicly with it and it's like it's a bit icky when they do a joke but if like pre-facebook if celebrity died and then like you can't joke about it and your mates like joking about with your friends inside your living room

the only difference is I got the balls to sit in front of y'all the stuff that you joke about where you know that nobody's going to be hurt or offended but it is horrific

and sick which is I guess I think that's what WhatsApp is now absolutely WhatsApp groups are like fucking the most horrific

shit you can think of and some of the stuff like all of the stuff you don't you never mean it no you never mean any of it but you're just saying it

just to be horrific yes especially if you're amongst fucking comedians because you especially amongst us the only way to make each other laugh is to shock each other

that's what it you know it is you know you can occasionally get us with wordplay you can occasionally get me with something fucking clever but most of the time

you've got to go somewhere that I didn't think you were going to go. Yeah. And that's where the surprise comes from. And as well, it's the how long

after a tragedy, like, it's fucking, it's getting increasingly fast now. Like, I would hate to go through an actual fucking tragedy now. Like, you know, like the losing your sister thing.

Right? If you went through that in the WhatsApp age, the big part, you're going, Colin is sitting on a main field of jokes that he's ready to crack, but he's just wondering

if it's the right time or not. I'd even half that would be nice if you went through an actual shit. No, no, no, because I think, I've been thinking about this a lot. I think you would do that. If your friends started making jokes,

what I would do, like let's- Not ready for it yet. Just be honest. Just go and look. Honestly, no, I'm probably going to be off WhatsApp for a while because they're there

to comfort you when people are cracking jokes they're there to comfort you they're like oh shit he might need humour I don't know how to respond to this I might just try and burst a bubble

but imagine like if my fucking mum died I'm not going to I'm not going to be ready for jokes I'm not going to be ready for jokes for a very very very long time

and I will maybe he's never no no no I definitely will but again not going to be ready for jokes I'm not going to be ready for jokes for a very very very long time and I will maybe never no no no I definitely will but again there's a limit to who gets to do the fucking

joke first for example when the first person that's probably allowed to make a joke before my parents dies is the other

parent or my brothers it'll always be like a test out first it'll always be like another brain say you

can drink the milk out of the bottle now test the water test the water but again first it'll always be like another braid say you can drink the milk out of the bottle now ah yeah when you do that yeah but even test the water test the water

but again I think you can't make jokes anyway but be fucking human about it if someone you know is going through

a fucking death do be there for them you've got to be there for a long enough period at first then you can start making the joke if you open with a joke

then there's been no camaraderie there's been no soft spot there's been no now you're just abusing them you've got to you know we do

when we make jokes about a tragedy first we make sure we've always got it right we've always timed it right pitched it right we go hey really sorry

hope you're fucking good there's a brutal fucking thing to do with it and then one two three and tick them well you talked about Milo's dog

every one of us got in touch with him personally yeah of course sorry we had a dog we fucking loved that dog One, two, three, and take them. Well, you talked about Milo's dog. Every one of us got in touch with him personally. Yeah, of course. Sorry, we had a dog, mate. We fucking loved that dog. Aye. When you visit him, it's our mate. Aye.

One of the dogs I liked. Aye. Yeah, you're one of the very few ones. So we're like that in person. Make sure he's all right. He's like, all right, mate. I'm just fucking dealing with it. The kids are struggling to get their head around it, and you get that out.

And then you go in the WhatsApp group and go, hey, yeah, buddies, yeah, you're doing what buddies always loved, burying bones.

Just put in a joke and then it's like, right, that's it, that's it, that's it, yeah, yeah,

yeah, we've done what needs to be done. We love that dog, we love that dog. Aye. Let's not all just fucking sat here holding hands jerking each other off,

right, let's. But we've done the sadness bit we've done the fucking sadness bit and once you think you hi

read the cues right 25th of July we're in Columbus 26th Pittsburgh 27th Philadelphia 28th Cleveland 30th is Toronto

sold out 31st St Louis 1 Houston 2 Dallas 3rd of August New Orleans 4th of August, Nashville, and then home sweet

fucking home. And thank you to everybody that's stopped to say hello after shows. You've all been awesome when you've come to the arcade before we went to hang out for photos afterwards.

Right, sometimes we come out, sometimes we don't. When you bring us weed and wool. Look, remember this? You've got some wool

with muggins and cream on. We've got one each remember them they've each got like a little bottle of vodka in did you know that I thought it was gin yeah a bottle of gin

and also there's this like envelope with cream written on it's sealed well I'm not going to read it in the air you're not going to read it no of course not

oh yeah okay that doesn't make sense not a chance of really going in the air no I thought it might be a love letter yeah

another reason there's not a chance. That's actually, it's funny you say that, that's actually why I stopped going into the fucking email inbox for this, because we're doing like ask for advice and stuff. It was just love letters for you. I do love them. It's the same reason I don't go into my Instagram DMs. Not a chance of going in there.

Just, I'm sure most of them are fucking lovely. Yeah, because most are great, because I think a lot of the ones that are like really cool just message me because they think like oh Danny's probably saturated with fucking crazies so the non-crazies are generally fucking like send me messages and stuff got a fairly decent inbox of good people and they've all been fun so far. Nobody's overstepped the mark. Yeah. Your dad uses those tribal neck rings

to make his necks longer so that he can eat leaves out of trees. Right. Sorry, I didn't have my phone open. Your dad is afraid of mice and not the animal. Yeah, he walked into an office once and stood on his stool screaming. Your dad is afraid of mice and not the animal. Yeah, he walked into an office once and stood on his stool screaming.

Your dad serves pizza with an ice cream scoop. It's a travesty. The maverick. Your dad got fired as a carpenter for biting his nails. Fuck you. Tom.

What? Tom Holland. No, that's how he got them out. He didn't use them. He got them out of the bag use them he got them at the back what your dad I can't ask Tom

your dad goes bargain hunting with a hunting rifle always gets a bargain cannot fault his process your dad loves putting a finger up his bum but he hates washing his hands and now he's unwell

your dad thinks Boris Johnson's just dead funny. No. Your dad got fired from doing acupuncture because he used all of his old carpenter's tools and punctured a woman's lung.

Your dad makes his own honey. He owns no bees and no hives. He just eats flowers then spits them into his tears and spreads it on toast all while going zzzzzzz with a long neck

so he's trying to get up the trees not for the leaves he's trying to get the flowers up there your dad demanded a ramp into his house from the council

because a disabled neighbour has caught one and now he doesn't slow down on his BMX when he approaches home. Your dad has both of his nipples pierced but with the same ring.

Your dad can wrap his tongue around the back of his head until it goes back in his mouth. Your dad pulls his trousers all the way down and lifts up his t-shirt with both of his hands to pee. Proper toddler. The schoolboy.

The schoolboy. Schoolboy peeing. Aye. Your dad bit Peter Parker and now he's got the powers of shit-cunt with no mates. Fumbled that one, didn't I? Aye. Oh, well. Your dad has too many toes, according to your mother's diary, which he traded me in exchange for larger socks.

according to your mother's diary which he traded me in exchange for larger socks. Your dad told your mum that he wanted some sick rims on his car and then went to a local dogging spot and bent over the bonnet.

I'm done. Are you done? Do you want to be done? Your dad doesn't believe in pedometer as a Fitbit because he's got a trundle wheel and if it's not broke don't fix it.

Your dad has your dad has tied a bit of string from each glove to each sock and now you can only wave it people will stand on one foot done? aye let's read that letter