Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 7. Reaction Video

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Muggins and Cream react to reaction videos before delving into some Hypothetical questions to fuel the late night high-cast recorded in Cleveland, Ohio. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

I saw the cream. I opened up to muggins and saw the cream. Life is dim, but... You look a little awful. I don't even know about song. I just made it up. God, I sincerely hope that's not true. Have you ever heard I Saw the Sound by Ace of Base?

I've seen... I've heard of I Shot the Sheriff. No, no, that's not it. Have you ever heard I Saw The Sound by Ace of Base? I've heard of I Shot The Sheriff. No, no, that's not it. That's Bob Marley. What's your one? I Saw The Sound by Ace of Base. I think, right, I promise you you're going to do this before I suggest it. Right.

Will you do a reaction video to I Saw The Sound by Ace of Base? No. My reaction videos would be so shit. I don't enjoy things. No, but over-exaggerate it like they do. No, I absolutely won't. Do people know what we're talking about? Is this a common thing?

Reaction videos? Yeah. But before we get into them, I want you to know, I can't believe you've only just discovered reaction videos. It's the muggliest thing in the world. It's so muggly. It's straight into the corner. I can't believe people are watching it.

But I watched it. And you enjoyed it all the't believe people are watching it Matt but I watched it and you enjoyed it I watched it again people are watching this but actually enjoying it isn't it like this podcast I mean I guess in a way enjoying someone else's

enjoyment or something no we make jokes like it's basically it's like osmosis but of a joy like I don't know watching something yeah because you know there's like fucking people will watch there's a baby in china that opens presents and

that's like one of the most watched things on youtube the whole thing is just this kid reacting to the presents or the toys or playing with the toys that's a weird start life that kid's got oh that's gonna do some lust and damage up in presence every day being japanese that's a weird start in life that kid's got that's going to do some last and diamond drop presents every day what being Japanese that's disgusting you said that you said that I saw it I saw it in your eyes

oh wow that's not what I meant wow oh no yeah that kid's got a fucked up life because like wow

wow because they eat with chopsticks. That's disgusting, guy. Forget that's just Chinese. Japanese. Damn, that is. That's actually the most racist bit. Yeah, it was.

It was a Japanese kid. It was more forgetful, actually. It's because we're very high. So, back to the point. Right, I'm going to reverse back through the points. That kid's got a fucking up life we can all agree on that we don't need to unpack it

right don't need to unpack it get a good reaction video if you did I'll set them up you're not going to do it I reckon he does but that guy

who I watched so it was a person called Lonely Shaq No Life Shaq No Life Shaq No Life Shaq and he was watching

he was reacting to hearing Leonard Skinner Freebird for the first time and I was fascinated by it for 15 minutes

you loved it there was a point there was a point where I was in fucking hysterics in hysterics out loud in the airport

this guy when he started his guitar riff at the end fucking guy when he started his guitar riff at the end fucking amazing Muggle Corner for enjoying that for what I've just done

there's another really really good one if people want to watch the best one of this watch there's the guy in his gorgeous black man

in a car listening to Rage Against the Machine album for the first time yeah and he loses his mind and it's just it's such a pure form of joy

that he exudes because I don't really get music was he not like Hispanic that guy was he no that listens to Rage Against the Machine aye

whatever he was he was gorgeous it wasn't about the race I was just he just had a lovely vibe about him didn't he oh man swoon swoon swoon

we're watching people watching stuff why listening to stuff it's goggle box it's the end of society man it's over it's all done

would you go goggle box but would you go goggle box I think you know what no because I think

it's shit right but I think I'd do a much better job of it than the muggles that they've got oh yeah yeah I think, you know what? No, because I think it's shit, right? But I think I'd do a much better job of it than the muggles that they've got going on. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think we can crank up Gogglebox to be a decent fucking level of entertainment by putting a fucking layer of creativity on it.

You know, in Australia, there's a fucking show where they get comedians to do it. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, that's a decent concept for a show. Totally work. Me and Nick Cody did it, and then they didn't

use any of our material because it was so horrible oh really was it for TV why me and Nick Cody went in for a

that would be a good show on censor it's not a family friendly show that one it's got to be people well that's why

I honestly think that might be I reckon TV is going to end up dying because Netflix don't have fucking anything you've not watched the boys on fucking Amazon yet honestly think that might be I reckon TV is going to end up dying because TV's got like Netflix don't have fucking anything

you've not watched The Boys on fucking Amazon yet but man they do not fucking they do not they do not

fucking hold back on anything so all these streaming services and all these online things like our fucking podcast which like this podcast

would never get on radio for any of these fucking public no you don't think so? Absolutely. We tried. We could try. No, no, no.

We could maybe pitch it to them. No, no. And if it did, it would get cancelled because it's all the fucking... It would get deleted. I was just joking. Aye. But these...

So that's why it's going to fucking die because, like, yeah, it would be a fucking good TV show. All TV shows would be better if you just, like, promised me comments. But there'd be loads of complaints on Baby Boomers.

Of course there would. Baby Boomers are fucking stopping TV for being good the worst thing about the worst thing for me about the baby boomers is like because

because the world might end in the next 30 years we don't even get the joy of watching them all die no because they're all

going to die together yeah because of them because of them because of them they're going to be able to look with the eye we don't get to enjoy

their death like they enjoyed the heroes of World War 2 death that was their elders right so they get to

bury those fucking legends then I should with everything they've done I should get the joy of seeing every one of them drop off

one by one you will you'll just go at the same time it's going to be a fucking noob that one of them drop I can't be honest it's going to be a fucking noob that one of them drop.

I can't be honest. It's not fair, man. I don't know. Fucking boomers, man. We're alluding to climate change. Oh, we're being direct.

I don't think we were alluding at all. There's no solidity. No, no, I also can be, you know, I guess in the sense you could also,

like, I don't necessarily, it's not necessarily just climate change. It'll be that or World War 3 or the last World War you know what

I'm going to go ahead and be hopeful here I think all of this shit that's going on now with the fucking rise in nationalism and the rise of fucking Trump

I'm not worried about that shit no I just think I'm hopeful that that is the pendulum swing and people are going to get so sick of that

it'll just fire the other way. Well, no, it will. It will, but that's... You'll end up with people that actually fucking care about the climate that are in charge just when it counts, just when it comes to the crunch. All right, that will happen,

but the only reason this writes in just now is because that was a swing from the fucking left. And it's going to... That's why I think it's going to work back. To them, we got too liberal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, there was some fucking stupid old fucking

American boomer meme online baby boomer memes are hilarious oh god they're the least funny cunts in the world

man they've got the worst fucking long winded jokes now tantric but with a really underwhelming

punchline at the end their memes are essentially farside comics like it's just that sort of thing where it's one like Gary Larson image

with a funny picture underneath and they're like, I don't know what any of them things were. You know what I mean? Farside with Gary Larson? Oh, man. Proper fucking, eh. What did your dad read on the toilet?

What? I don't know. I wasn't there. How do you know what your dad was reading? Because he leaves the books beside the toilet. Like, you know all the books

in the toilet. My dad used to run in with a book just stuffed up his top and then come out and get into his room it may have been a magazine oh man my dad used to

my dad took like huge long shits you know to get away from his family I think people do that and I'll still I think they can sit down

and have a shit while the kids are playing and going downstairs man I do it sometimes when we do fucking house parties sometimes I just go I just go for a shit just to fucking sit down and have a shit while the kids are playing on the downstairs on Twitter man I do it sometimes when we do fucking house parties sometimes I just go I just go for a shit just to fucking sit down

for a bit I just not talk to anyone I know what I did just because the coax went right through it was like a nightmare that's what I meant I was being subtle

you fucking daft one I was looting this is man not subtle we've got to learn how to elude what were we talking about

we were talking about you doing a fucking reaction track to Ace of Base because you haven't seen the song before like fucking dissect the lyrics and all that

people want to see that yeah but that doesn't mean you should give it to them just because the people want something doesn't mean they get it that's the problem

that's the problem with this world I'll tell you this people want things and then they're just like I want it therefore I'm allowed it nah

you get 5%. Why not? Cause, if everyone get, I agree with you, I'm just making you follow through. If everyone gets what they want, it's always going to be

to the detriment of someone else. That's just how the world works. You want more money, you go get that money from someplace, you get it from someone else who doesn't want to lose their money. With everything that's going on,

right? Like, you know, people might have health issues, they might have financial issues, they've got fucking's going on right like you know people might have health issues they might have financial issues they've got fucking stuff going on all you're looking for is distractions in this world

right and if one of their distractions is to watch you do a reaction video to Ace of Base then why would you want to rob them of that oh you know what just

because whatever makes you sad you deserve it like if that like if that's where you extrapolate joy from but it's just a little escape nah I'd like it

I've I don't care I've I don't care I've I'm already creating enough fucking content you can fucking I've got my bloody show on the tour

I've got my show you can fucking see that I've got two specials on fucking Netflix I've got these things on YouTube if you're a fucking tycoon I've got this free podcast

I'll fucking do it I just want to know you and what you think of it as the bass I saw the sign no right let's break it down now I'll do it. It's the base, I saw the sign. No. Let's break it down now.

I'll do it. No, you're not singing it. I saw the sign. No. It opened up my eyes. First of all, there's no way you know it. Life is demanding. Shagging on the landing. That's how we changed it.

Oh, right. So already it's a remake. Here's my reaction video. Fuck, this is a shit bit. Here's my reaction video Fuck this is a shit bit Fill the dead air while I drink No Fucking

Well I think We should introduce this new game That I thought of You thought of? As if you're going to claim To have thought of this It's literally just a game

That people do Like It was your idea To put it on the podcast. So don't take credit for my... Thievery. Right, we need to start getting along. So this game is called Hypotheticals.

I'm not going to explain the rules because you should fucking work... If you can't work it out, then somehow you're too dumb for this podcast. And that takes a lot. Like, you've got to be like Elliot Steele level thick. And Elliot Steele's the only one listening to it,

that's not going to understand the game. Right. How hard do you reckon it would be to kill a swan? A swan, piece of piss. Easy. Catching it and everything? I reckon going for the neck just fucking

hands on throttle it like hands throttle like don't try and like arm choke it just grip around the neck do they have a windpipe they must do

as well you're going to be putting some bend you don't know how much muscle is going to be kicking back off that neck like aye and then you've also got to catch it

you've got to make sure that you fucking catch it as well it's also it's not like a snake where if you go like to make sure that you fucking get it as well it's like a fucking it's also it's not like a snake where if you go like no matter where you grab unless you grab it

from the top of the neck man I don't know how the neck if you've got it's beak you could easily snap it no but let's say if you grab it from the bottom of the neck

then it's still got all that neck it's just so fucking porcupine you know what it would be you've got to go to the top of the head because it logically logically do that list

but the big part of that was a bit like not squeamish but like like questioning yourself like you're shaking as you're going at it if you're not like Because logically, logically doing that list, but the big part of that was a bit like, not squeamish, but like, questioning yourself. You're shaking as you're going at it. It's like going after a deck

that doesn't want a handjob. Nah. Well, no, yeah, yeah. Nah, you've just got something on your mind. Let's stay on topic. No, no, no. That's my line of tackle.

Hey. Wait. Are you trying to grab it? I don't think it's to grab it I think right I don't think it's that easy I think it's this I'm going to go for it's neck I'm going to try and

hands on strangle it or snap it's neck right if I realise that's too hard then plan B I'm going to kick it to death I'm just going to start kicking it and I'm not going to

stop until it's not moving what bit are you kicking like aiming at it with swan I've never I've never on that

fucking I've got my hand never I've never on that fucking I've got my hand out on my eyes I didn't want to see it either I guess

I guess like if you it doesn't matter where you hit as long as you're injuring it because the more

you injure the more it slows down if you snap a wing first of all it's not flying away

and then also you stop that that thing as well like if you snap a wing first of all it's not flying away and then also he stops that he stops that by a cross like if you see how like I'm just assuming the swan's going to engage in melee combat

it's probably going to run after the first kick the swan's going I can't imagine a swan running they're the honey badgers of birds but fuck

I'd run I think 10 of 8 I was with the I was with fucking cunt. Surely it would have some kind of self-preservation if you started besting it in battle. Okay, here's another hypothetical question

that stems off from this one in a way, right? Do you reckon, I give you the challenge of, there's a £5,000 prize, right? You're in a room that's like 50 by 50 is it 5,000 pound prize 5,000 pound prize

right so it's like it's not a lot I was going to say this is like it's a nice amount of money I'd like it

it's a challenge it's not like the dreams aren't set on it you know what I mean this often gets fucking I live comfortable

it's enough it's enough to make you try yeah so the you're in a room 50 by 50 mirrors

right it's you two swans you have 30 minutes do you reckon you can tie their necks together 30 minutes.

Right. Can we talk like just a loose knot? Like you can't see what I... Like as if I'm folding my arms right now, right? Aye. So fold your arms at home. I don't know how much cartilage and bones in their neck.

Would that count as tied together? I'm going to need a knot. Huh? I'm going to need a knot I'm going to need a I was going to say if you said that means tying together just give us the money

no no you've got to save the swans no you've got to you've got to tie it through I think they'd be a bit like an arm unless

no you snap it it's not like an arm at all it's vertebrae isn't it it's not it's not like is it like two like fucking one inch I'm pretty sure isn't a swan just like is it like two like fucking one inch I'm pretty sure

isn't a swan just a fucking turtle with a snake on its back wearing a KKK outfit that was a stretch that no no

I'm just thinking on a different level I think you're being very cruel you're the guy with the imagination again he has some ingredients

speaking of which one is that I'm fucking with Ben right answer the question oh 30 minutes I think and I've just got speaking of which where is that fucking pen right answer the question oh 30 minutes I think

and I've just got my bare hands alright bare hands right the room's like a regular room because I'm going to need the corner between

the floor and the wall to kick my neck for a couple of times there's enough room for them to like fly over your head but not by much so you might have to

jump up and grab two at one time and I'll be like Bruce Lee you'd be like fucking at high alert just fucking swan chopping them

do you reckon you'd do damage to the neck if you cried chopping them just to impact them just fucking at any means necessary just

is that like punching running water does it really do anything nah I'd imagine that they've got a health bar they've got a health bar they've got to do just cardio

cardio cardio just going at them aye and just wear them down eventually break them down absolutely fucking break their will

so basically what you've got to try and do is you've got to try and kill two swans in 20 minutes I'd be trying to resuscitate one of them while I'm fucking tying

its neck and a knot and they wake up and they're like stop trying to dieuscitate one of them while I'm fucking tying it to neck and they're going to wake up and they're like stop trying to die blown into its beak turn it into a

balloon and then tie the nuts together alright then you've just busted us with two hypotheticals by the way

no no no one was a stem eye you can have like you can have you can have like you can have hypothetical point two or

second stanza here we go alright here we go if Piggy had a cock for a week would you just go on holiday and say it when you got back

or would you hang around with her oh I'd go on holiday for cock week no I'd go on holiday because put you off it would

it would first I genuinely I genuinely wouldn't want to see it like I reckon even if I saw it once it would it would tarnish

her forever it would freak me out too much because it's just not what I'm attracted to I don't even I don't even like seeing my own dick

like it's well you've just been up for a week even though she wasn't out for this difficult time having a cock for a week I don't even like seeing my own dick. Would you just bin her for a week? Even though she wasn't having a difficult time having a cock for a week? No, I'll tell you this, but Piggy would not be having a difficult time. She'd be done for the time of her life. She'd love a dick for a week.

I reckon most women would. Fuck, I'd go around. Matt, don't get me wrong. Maybe we'd spend two days in... No, I was about to say there's going to be like a romantic montage where I can teach her to pee and stuff but even then

I'm seeing it I can't see it I don't want to see it so I just what if she's like okay you're hanging with one of your mates you haven't seen

that cock right just hang out oh if I just there's a pile you know like it's in her jeans no because also because when she gets

an erection I'm going to know she's to because I'm still going to turn her on she's still going to be attracted to me. Oh, you're going to sleep in separate beds? I don't want to give her burnt erections.

You're going to sleep in separate beds? Imagine, because she's telling me... Look, she's beautiful. I'm still going for a kiss. I'm going to fucking kiss her on the lips or something. She starts getting a boner. I don't want to feel a boner. Like, of course, I don't want...

But it's her boner and you love her. No, but I still don't like boners, man. I don't want to touch a boner. It's got nothing to do with that. It's not... I don't want to feel another person's. It's got nothing to do with that. It's not... I don't want to feel another person's boner under any circumstance. You didn't like warts?

You want to feel someone else's warts? But if she got a big handful of warts, right? Yeah, go away from her. You wouldn't go like... You wouldn't go until the warts were gone. I wouldn't give her a fucking handjob, I'll tell you that for free. I wouldn't make her with a fucking glove.

You'd make her feel terrible if she had warts. Yeah, eh? You'd make her feel terrible if she had a cock for a week, she's got to be insecure about it. No, she's not going to... Fucking hell, I've got something on my body that the love of my life, my boyfriend hates. No, it's not that I hate it, I just don't know, it's just fucking... You know, it's not for me. In the same way that I don't want her fucking feet in my face. Aye.

She's just like, can I put my feet in your face? You know what, I don't want my dad's cock in my face, I don't want my dad's feet in my face, I can't run and play PlayStation with him play PlayStation with him no but you're missing the point I'm trying to make my point I sit in a sort of bed for him and I no

I'm going on holiday because I want Piggy to have that week with a dick man she's going to have a great week I don't want to be there ruining it

if she gets a dick for a week I want her to fuck women and see what that's like so she can you know learn a thing or two maybe if she was good on a girl would you consider it cheating

absolutely not would you want to see footage? No. But I'd want her to have that experience. I'm being liberal here. I'm like, baby, you've got a dick for a week. You have a dick for a week. Go and plough things.

Because on a technicality, I'm not going to count it cheating. In the same way, if Piggy was like, hey, I cheated on you, I'd be like, eh. And she was like, with a girl, I'd be like, oh, that's way less. If Piggy cheated on me with a woman that's way less I'm so less upset I'm actually not that arsed

not like not even not arsed chuffed I chuffed if she's going around fucking licking other persons arseholes

aye so if if Piggy gets a dick for a week, right, and she's off once, I want to give her that week to be like, hey, here's your free week to do whatever you want with that dick.

Also, go have fun wanking, man. Imagine a girl discovering, because look, if you... I'd love to see it the other way around. Exactly. Girls must be like, you can just fucking get yourself off and under like fucking Two minutes

To random pictures Well not random I need August catalogue Just the wrong one There's no No models used in it Anywhere And any models are

They're using things Like grills Or play it anywhere and any models are they're using things like grills give me the toy using a grill I know I'm not so you've just been a for a week no I've been

it's not no I've talked about it you've been texting on our last road of course which one But you've been texting her on our last road. Ah, of course. She's kind of got it in the eye. Which one? I would just, I would say to her.

Would you even FaceTime her? Aye. You'd be a fucking nightmare on Cockney E-Wing. No, I wouldn't. Of course I'd FaceTime her. Aye. I'd be like, hey, how's it going? Like, talk to me about the fucking text. I just don't want it.

I don't want it. I reckon if I saw Piggy with a dick, it would ruin talk to me about the fucking thing I just don't want I don't want I reckon if I saw a piggy with a dick it would ruin it for me wonderful right which is hypocritical because I always tuck my dick

between my legs sorry so so that was just hypothetical that was one week of my life right but now let's

crank it up a bit right it's once a month now Shaz dick week for how long dick week alright dick week once a month so it's like a it's once a month now Shaz Shaz Dick Week Dick Week right

Dick Week once a month so it's like a it's like a period then you're thinking we're breaking up with her now aren't you no no I'm not no I'm not

you get through that you get through it no no because I would just it would be like it would be like it would be like period it would be like

when she's on her period it'd be like right so this is a week of blowjobs one way one way Right, so this is a week of blowjobs. One way. One way. We are not 69ing. So I would treat it like period week.

Just leave. No. Throw it in the sea. Start throwing stones out from a distance. It's new. Every other week week every second week so like half the half the year

you have to plan your tour half the so for half the year she's got a deck week on week off I mean I love her man I Piggy

don't say her name fuck we're gonna technically hold on we did so well 20 23 I've got it

22 30 right am I are we allowed to reverse the hypothetical I think 23 I've got it 22, 30 Right Well Can Are we allowed to reverse The hypotheticals in this game? What do you want Turn on me?

We'll do it very briefly Like I think we've just I'll chip in if I If I feel like it Oh okay I think If it was If it was

If it was twice If it was If it was half the year Yes Look I love her I'd still be with her Like You know

You know You make this, you know, make the weeks that she wasn't more special. I think... But I just... I would just stick with her the whole thing, because vows are vows. Was that in Natalie's phone?

Small print. She's just walking around with her strap on. Was that Natalie's phone? Small thing She's just walking around with her strap on Six months of the year Spring and autumn Good one I enjoyed that one Here's another one Right

This is very similar actually If there was a pill That made you gay for a week would you take it and it made you sincerely sincerely homosexual like it just turned you were fully turned on by men

can I say as well I had a bit I haven't used it yet and I wrote it down about if we could get a pill that could make you bisexual I would 100% crush it in Natalie's lunch no this isn't bisexual I'm going to take it pill that could make you bisexual I would 100% crush it in Natalie's lunch

no this isn't bisexual I'm going to take it this is to make you gay and also for the gay Jonathans that are all playing this game your version of this hypothetical is if you could take

a pill that made you straight for a week what would you do so the whole thing is like would you for the experience of the other side well and to like not even in a I mean I don't know if bisexual maybe bisexual is like would you for the experience of the other side well

and to like and not in a not even in a I mean I don't know if bisexual maybe bisexual this is the thing that we'll have to

throw this into the hypothetical and maybe take it into consideration if I was gay for a week that means I would have like I'd also ditch you for that week

I would have I would have all these memories of being straight for like the last 20 years of being straight for the last 20 years. Of being straight. Maybe that's part of it. They might make us feel sick.

They might make us feel like I might be gay. But disgusted by me. No, no, no. Is that a thing? No, no, I think. No, no, no. No, no, no. Because I don't think.

So I might not have a good experience because my memories of my life wouldn't be good. It wouldn't be fun. That would only be if gay people was there's only if like gay people are heterophobic because like i don't know that's not heterophobic it's the same way as you didn't want piggy have a fuck oh god damn it um well you didn't want piggy to have a dick it's because you found it disgusting not because you're homophobic because yeah it's like it's just not what I'm attracted to it's like a bush took a trial for you it's like saying

you need a book it's the thing I'm attracted to okay well maybe then part of the pill is is like while it well no because then then at the other end then you're a straight

back to being a straight person with memories of being a gay person yeah exactly but you would only have one week of like like that so you would have a lot less to deal with

than you would have to deal with when you were gay no no because I don't I don't think it would switch out around I think because because it didn't make you bi no no no because. No, no, because I don't think it would switch it around, I think, because... Because it didn't make you bi? No, no, no, because it would... No, no, because you'd still

remember enjoying it, right? Because, like, if you were... While you're gay, even though you're picturing it, even though the thing of it discusses it, it doesn't because you enjoyed it at the time.

So, like, you won't... I don't think it would change it around. So you remember, like, I remember I used to enjoy that but then I changed. A little bit like you enjoy watching the movie Friday.

And then when you come out of it you go, yeah, yeah, it's like watching... Like, I can still, like, enjoy the watching the movie Friday and then when you come out of it you go yeah yeah it's like watching I can still enjoy the memories of watching Friday I watch it now and I'm like

I like that you've just got a wee bit of gay nostalgia or a hair of nostalgia for that week that you're gay but the question is would you take the pill

just for the fucking experience it just seems like I don't know it just seems like it would be a bit unnecessary oh no but alright

Natalie's dead What? Right she's dead She's I did it Oh is this hypothetically still I thought that was how you were breaking it Live on the

Reaction video Natalie's dead Right Whoa you said her name It's been She's been She's been dead for five years

you're obviously fucking devastated still I'm not the same as that it's horrible I will I'm still there

so don't worry could be worse this is awful why you put us through this but but at that point where you just

don't feel you know you'll do it like to have the experience of because man gay sex must be great you mean because

like I man they just imagine just imagine you were fucking just attracted to someone who had the exact same sex drive as you at all times

you know what go out in a gay bar with a bunch of gay people and you just all want to fuck each other it must be great imagine going to imagine going to a bar

where every single woman in that bar was attracted to you or maybe we're being homophobic maybe that's not what it's like that's what I'd be like that's where my logic's coming from because if I was in a bar

where everyone was attracted attracted to me as I was attracted to them it wouldn't be an orgy even if you weren't that attracted to each other it's still give it a go because it blokes aye

try it you just do us a favour the only thing stopping me from giving you

a handjob is the fact that I don't want to and the fact that you're going to

slap on the wrist and I'll be like I don't usually do this you've taken the pill

but imagine like it was super addictive could you just be on it all the time oh that's a good point maybe it would be like maybe it would be like coke

coke or or or or maybe it's either it's either like coke maybe like heroin no either it's either like coke

maybe like heroin no no it's either like coke where you get like fucking addicted to it and you're like oh we gotta get we gotta get some

for this weekend us and the boys going away right or it could be worse it could be like it could be like ecstasy right

but then there's a calm down version of it that for like the first two days afterwards you're just inexplicably homophobic because you used up

you used up all your game you got a banging headache you got a bang and a banging arsehole you're like oh what did I do last night when I can't believe I can't believe

but you've just got this version of a come down or sorry a down come you're down from come and it's just you've had too much

you've had too much fun over the weekend and you're just like aye I only have festivals get honest you only have festivals. Get honest, you only have festivals. Swear to God.

Crush it up in your drink before you go on stage. Queerludes. Queerludes. It was right there. I think it's equidistant in both of them jokes. It's aye. Heroin, his-o-in? Heteroin. Heroin would be like if the gay pill was like heroin

that would mean you'd go there you would have the fucking time of your life come back and it's just like the heterosexual world is just not enough for you anymore. Yahweh's going to chase that dragon. That drag queen.

I would I would just because honestly I reckon it's the only thing that's stopping me from having the best sex of my life

is the fact that I don't want to do it with men that's it that's it that's the only thing like the sex with Piggy

is the best I've ever had in my life but I guarantee sex with a bloke is better in the same way that I reckon two women fuck a woman could fuck piggy

better than I could fuck piggy of course you could like you know the bit's better aye like aye we're ruined you know there's just that thing

I'm like I guarantee men could fuck me better than piggy could I just really don't want them to I'd rather they didn't man aye could we just be mates. These hypotheticals are real gay.

Let's mix it up. You don't mean it's a bad thing? No, no, I was just saying like there's a theme. No. It wasn't like... I was actually using it in there. Oh, right.

In the actual term. That was funny anyway if you woke up tomorrow and no one what do you mean if hypothetically no

no if you woke up tomorrow and no one had heard of Scotland and the British Isles were only ever known as England throughout history

would you pretend to be English to fit in or would you be that weird guy banging on about a country that no one's ever heard of? Well, aye,

because I'd want to, like, something's gone wrong. Aye. Like, it's like if you're in like a Time Machine fucking movie, you want to be getting back to... So this is the answer.

You're bonkers. You're mental. You found out you're mental, right? And I'm sick of it. Do you try and hide it or do you outwardly be mental? Oh, God.

Because let's not underestimate how much I love to fit in. And everybody in Edinburgh and everybody in Glasgow are English

support England. Oh, that's, that's the best. There's never been another history They're happy with it, they're content Oh no

So will you tell me This is a world where Mark Nielsen is cheating on England Yep Does he have an English accent? No the accent still changes to Scottish So you've still got this identity But nowhere to put it apart from your towns

your cities I don't want to be seen as mental but I also but there was never a Scotland but I don't want there was never

a Scotland the question is the question is would I rather be mental or would I rather be English that's the question. The question is, would I rather be mental or would I rather be English? That's the question.

So this is the thing. You were mental up until the point you wake up tomorrow morning and now you're not. So to talk about where you thought it was is revealing that you were mental even though you're not now and you see it for how it is now. Or in that case,

I reckon I get away with it like if if me believing in Scotland had been a condition up until now right and everyone was aware they're like

oh but you give up Scotland that easy no no no no no no no no no I'm not I'm not it's the opposite

of giving up Scotland like so basically you cling on to that part of your mind for dear life no no no I am so I am it's like

so they're sort of they're sort of saying oh I've fucking lost my train of thought everyone goes to Wembley people from fucking Glasgow

go to Wembley sorry sorry let me get back to my fucking train of thought if other people know that I've had this condition

when I thought Scotland would exist then I'd own it I'd be like no I'm still Scottish I know it's a mental part of me then I get to own it

I get to be like you know what it was 28 years of my fucking life it was very fucking important to me I know it was illusionary or whatever but it was important to me even though it was own it i get to be like no one it was 28 years of my fucking life it was very fucking important to me i know it was illusionary whatever but it's important to me it's made me even though it was mental it's made me who i am today and i'm not fucking changing yeah i think i'm fucking up that hypothetical it was better when you wake up tomorrow and everything you

know is gone and you're mental now i fucking that one all right i mean because obviously it's like, if I'm playing this joke-wise, the answer is obviously you stay fucking mental because fuck the Tories, fuck the English. But seriously, like, you have my family, I love you, I love my mum and my dad, I love Peggy. You have to be English. You've got to have a choice. You're trying to belong to a state that doesn't exist that anyone's heard of

you just have to step in line I mean what's the alternative but what's the alternative what's my question or would I kill myself

the alternative is that you fucking keep telling people that you're not English you're Scottish and you fucking

keep spitting this nonsense well guess what you just wouldn't come up because we're coming up with a conversation

how would it not come up when you go into other countries and people are asking you what country you're from? In America, people are like, where are you from? I just said I'm from the UK.

What are you talking about? There's so many Wales and Ireland. No, no, no. England. The whole British Isle is like England. It's only ever been known as England. Oh, did I kill myself? Wait,

the Irish are gone too no I killed myself yeah I killed myself aye aye what a horrible world everyone's English

gross absolutely gross but everyone's just everybody the way you know already no no that's not really what's happening

at this point no no no because no no no because they're not they're not the reason I like the reason I like Scotland

and Ireland and Wales is because we all hate England like if that's gone if I don't have that like if everyone's changed I think you're saying this for the Scottish people that are listening

I'm absolutely not I think if that when you wake up tomorrow you're not a kill yourself you're not a kill yourself type of guy or I'd move I'd just move

it'd be the first time I would move I'd go to I don't know fucking Sweden be an Englishman in Sweden sure at least I'm not

living with a fucking yeah just in the hills in a cabin on your own this is how I live having sex with blonde women nothing about that hypothetical had you breaking up

with Biggie I'd kill myself to ask how do you think he'll die is that the hypothetical no probably playing

crash or something at least something daft like what like domestic playing crash I think it's gonna be something fucking like some

catastrophe or something I think it's gonna be noting me out doing either it's gonna be like oh tragedy out and doing it either. It's going to be like, oh, tragedy. Or, you know, he was on that fucking,

in that train that come off the lines or whatever. Some weird thing like that. And everyone thinks you're going to be like Bruce Willis from Unbreakable, but it turns out you were very breakable.

Yeah, I couldn't even find it. There's actually a myth going around about us that I'm still out there, but actually, I was just mushed in while I was just mushed in while they were putting it on. I think it's going to be in an accident.

Or at least I'll try and make it look like one. Oh, fuck, man. If it's an accident, it's my fault. You know what I mean? I'm not going to turn an advert. If you've been in an accident, it wasn't your fault. No, an accident it's my fault you know what I mean like it's like I can't ensure an advert what if you've been in an accident it wasn't your fault

no but if it was my fault like you know if I fucking look left instead of right because I'm in America I'd fucking step in front of a car and just get hit by something

and erm I actually nearly did that the day but like you know if I just fucking stepped in front of a car or something I don't know if it would be the reason my first

thing was the plane crash thing is like I kind of come to terms with it on a daily basis I come to terms with it like you know if there's a bit of

turbulence or whatever I'm just like I think I've talked about this before I've seen the fake and I've had a good I wish I could have signed off a few

things later I wish I could have said goodbye to maybe had a kid or something at some point that whole thing let's not think about that

the bit opening the news being classic bye I genuinely reckon like I would love it like if I knew the plane was going down

because there's nothing you can do in a plane crash man you're gonna fucking die stick me headphones on right and just put fucking future islands and just fucking

straight into the ground crazy train crazy train crazy train would be the fucking perfect or they're taking the hobbits to Isengard

the 24 hour one obviously I don't get through the 24 hours or the Numa Numa song what's that Numa Numa

Numa you know that one fucking I'll do a reaction video you definitely do fucking it was like the first ever meme the Numa video it's oh god I'll do a reaction video. Go on it. You definitely do. It was like the first ever

Meme the Numa video. It's... Oh God. I'll genuinely play it because you will recognise it if you don't. People want to hear Crazy Train Man.

They don't want to hear that. Shut up. Why? Shut up. That's not an excuse for you to go... No, I'm going to get me last tape with that.

Hypothetically. Malia Hu. Aye, aye, aye. Malia Hu. What did you think they were saying? Numa Numa. Not now, obviously. Daft Couch.

I'm the Daft Couch. You thought you were saying Numa Numa? No, but he does sing Malia Hu. No, no. Man, that was like 2004. Maybe. That was like back in the fucking chocolate rain days Back in me heyday

This was all fields This is a much gentler one this one If you had to switch your eyes off to use your nose how often do you think you'd bother smelling stuff? Aww If you had to switch your eyes off to use your nose, how often do you think you'd bother smelling stuff? Oh. Occasionally. Close your eyes at dinner for a bit?

Yeah, while eating pussy. Eyes are closed anyway. If you keep your... He's fucking staring a hole through the fucking bottom of her chin with the eye piling up if you keep your eyes open

while you're going down it's okay it's okay for girls to do it but I think if you if you you can't make

fucking you can't make eye contact with someone while you're eating it's raising your eyebrows Matt your eyebrows

bobbing away looks like you've got a little tash just making them dance like two caterpillars on eggies making them do the Mexican wave

you can't make me a tongue did the alphabet my eyebrows now you can't you can't you can't make it smell it

but what if it was smelly and you wanted to shut your nose and open your eyes it means I'd have a sniffer dog for two reasons what does that smell like

when would you shut your eyes to smell I reckon it'd be I often don't reckon it you'd probably do it more like you'd probably like step off a train on the station and just like close your eyes and go What does that smell like? I reckon it'd be, I often don't reckon it. You'd probably do it more like, you'd probably like step off a train on the station and just like close your eyes and go,

just think, you'd be a little summoned and bashed in the air. I'd have to be somewhere fucking safe, man. Like, I'm turning off my vision, man. I don't want to be blind. I reckon that's rough. Like, but to turn it off just to smell,

but then you can put it straight back on again but your nose is gone aye but like if I want to smell things I want to smell them for long periods of time so it's like

I just want a quick whiff of something that's why they call it a whiff we fucking they're just kind of I'll just sit in this field out there and people be like

aye if I'm in a field this point is when I want to I want to be both saying I'm smelling it and also sometimes I want to do that I'm in a field this point is when I want people saying I'm smelling it and also sometimes I want

to know what I'm smelling like you're just basically saying it is my life is going to be a whole game

of close your eyes and smell this I don't want that to be my life it'd be funny if like

dormant bug beds or whatever at summer camp. And you're farting everyone's eyes just come up. I'm going to close my nose. If you had to give up, what would you give up? Pooing or peeing? Pooing or peeing? I think you said po you give up poon or peen poon or peen aye

I thought you said poon poon or peen poon or peen poon or peen aye would you give up poon or peen because if you give up

you give up poon right you've still got a peen but if you give up peen what are you going to do with a poon what's what's the poon for if you don't have a peen are you saying poon a peen but if you give up peen what are you going to do with the poon? What's the poon for

if you don't have a peen? Are you saying poon and peen? Aye. Yeah. So that's exactly how you say poon and peen. Aye, poon and peen.

So it's two questions. Right. First of all I give up peen. Peeing. No, I give up penis. Oh, you give up penis. Right, so what are you

going to do with the pussy then? Oh, you mean I've got to give up. Ah, you've got to give up. Would you give up your dick? Would you rather give up would you rather give up, would you rather give up your own dick

or give up every woman's vagina? Oh, I'd have to take a hit. That's very selfish of you. Fuck. Like, if you did that and nobody knew you did it, that's altruism. Aye.

We've discovered altruism. But if you did do it, all the women everywhere owe you, but you don't know what. Like, all women women everywhere they're like thank you man honestly thanks so much for doing that

I loved having you to join us apart from the bleeding bit the rest of it was actually spot on childbirth was a bit rough but like thanks for giving me the cock first keeping that

I really really appreciate that I'd love to put you back but generally don't know how do you want a kiss Lorde I'll just tickle you on your chin or whatever whatever you unix do I'll scratch your belly

slap me tits off your back ruffle your hair Do you want to kiss loads? I'll just tickle under your chin or whatever. Whatever you eunuchs do. I'll scratch your belly. Slap me tits off your back. Ruffle your hair. I like that. I'll be a happy little eunuch. Tits on me back. Just nice. Cheers, love.

I like this platonic lady. You'd probably have to get into something weird like breastfeeding. What's weird about that? Everything. That's one about that? Everything. That's one of the ways. You know how sometimes they're like, hey, don't kink shame people. I'm like, nah, kink shame some people. Aye, most of them.

Like, because in all honesty, if you shame me for a bunch of my kinks, I'd be like, aye, fair. Like, I should be ashamed of that. That is a bit gross and a bit weird. Like, sorry, I will keep that private this shouldn't be accepted by the public that's why I do it

in a bedroom and I watch it on private browsing I'm ashamed if I'm out in the bedroom with a fucking fishnet with a squirrel in it right

it's fucking kicking away and all that and I'm like are you ready for this baby like Natalie has every right to just go fuck off with that squirrel I'm going to tell all your mates

what you've done and you're going to be living up what are you actually going to do with a squirrel everyone's going to make fun of you because that's I'm going to tell all your mates what you've done and you're going to be living up what are you actually going to do with the scroll everyone's going to make fun of you because that's a weird thing to do and it's really gross

and you're a bit weird and I'm shamed right and I'm going to just I'm joking I've fucking not caught a scroll I was pretending I wanted to do a kinky stuff right

and like you sort of like aye that's probably something you'd do actually get aware of it but the shame would have made us bury the scroll thing

alive it's essential shame would have made us bury the squirrel thing alive it's essential well if she let us so that's such a prude this relationship is a prison and then

okay next question would you give up pooing or peeing I give up peeing it's so annoying I love pooing or peeing em I give up peeing it's so annoying I love pooing man aye but like the pee has to come out

from somewhere right this is it your pee's gonna have to come up my arse if I give up peeing like a bird I'm gonna have to poo and piss out my arse right

I'd do that aye sure I'd do it for like a little bit a little bit IDS-y or it's your shen or your cock aye that's the other one

I'm not even gonna go down that road I'm your cock that's the other one I'm not even going to go down that road I'm not even going to unpack that one constipation constipation

it's like a fucking snake had eaten a vole yeah blowjobs are out the window yes you can find someone kinky enough in their weird

you're being shamed again that was a good game aye that was good alright I think we found someone kinky enough and they're weird. You've been shamed again. That was a good game. Aye. That was good. Alright. We were on tour this last week.

We're off to... Oh, I've announced a bunch of... I think I know off by heart now. What do you? Go on then. Toronto. Yep. Houston and Dallas. I'm not sure which order.

No, you've already missed one. Dallas and Houston. St. Louis. St. Louis. St. Louis. Why do you keep saying St. Louis? Because it annoys people so much. It's the same reason I keep on my Instagram videos

calling cheese steaks, cheesecakes. Somebody, Jamie Ludwig, messages saying, Daniel doesn't know he's saying cheesecake instead of cheese steak, doesn't he? Man. Yep, that was for you. That was especially for you to do this. Man, so many people on Twitter and in my DMs

have just been so like fuck it I'm like I know it is you dumb cunts I love cheesecake so it's St. Louis first and then

you said Toronto St. Louis Dallas and Houston and I'm not sure which order I just noticed them too and New Orleans

and Nashville Nashville alright and Dallas and Houston. I'm not sure which order. I just know them two. And New Orleans. And Nashville. Nashville. Aye. And I've added more Australia dates because despite the fact that I complain about Australia all of the time while I'm there, I do genuinely love it.

I just don't love it for three months at a time. So I'm coming back because you are some of the best audiences in the world. Except for you, Adelaide. Not coming back to you even though you no I might be actually I don't

I don't book my own things but I'm coming back all the tickets are available at danielsloss.com yes and that's in October isn't it that one do you know

I'm sure so your dad yeah oh shit yeah I'm going to have to do this your dad calls his shit yeah let's do this your dad calls his eyelids

his eyelids and makes kissing noises whenever he winks wow I've been buzzed off stage am I was this King Kong have you watched

have you watched this Kong be off enjoying that one as well you're gonna have an air horn your dad won't suck in my lads tits because he's lactose intolerant fair sounds like I should look after his health

for what your dad in moonlight says a speed bump a sleeping policeman policeman through the A sleeping policeman. Policeman through the day, sleeping policeman through the night. What's his holiday? I shouldn't have done that. Do you want some of this?

Yes. Yes, I'll do it. Is this content? Just try and drink it with the lid on for everyone out there that was worried about me I'm fine Daniel your dad fought

for the Germans during the war he didn't know what side he was on so he flipped a coin but weirdly like he wasn't alive

during World War 2 this is Vietnam your dad orders his steak well done because that's the only way he can get someone to say that to him he's like can I get it well done please

and the waiter's like sorry could you just repeat that back to me well done thank you so proud anyway I'm vegan You just repeat that back to me. Well done. Thank you. I'm so proud. Anyway, I'm vegan. Your dad makes the balloon animal first and then tries to blow it up?

Your dad is made of papier-mâché. No, he's not. It's a lie. It is. It's a lie. You made him up. Your dad refuses to call it Giving the middle finger Because thumbs don't count as fingers

So it can't be the middle one Oh god That does sound like my dad That absolutely sounds like my dad Absolutely nailed him That's just true That's like the time you said Your dad's got one of those

Aprons with fake tits on it I was like I guess I couldn't Is that your joke thing He's a legend That's like the time I said That your dad's a fucking loser

Whoa Nothing Whoa Nothing Some people's feet swell When they're on airplanes Your dad's penis swells Around children Some people's feet swell when they're on airplanes. Your dad's penis swells around children.

Your dad goes up to people in wheelchairs, shakes his can of coconut and sits on their face. He just misses Josie. He's always making her laugh, that trick. Make me sticky. Your dad tips cows 5% well done

your dad gets a hot on before night out and puts a rubber band around the base in case he gets a looky later and he can't get it up again

just preempts your dad changes light bulbs with his arse cheeks your dad prides himself on letting people take let's start again

your dad prides himself on letting people keep their shoes on when they come in his house that's nice of him I'll pride myself on it it's his thing your dad can make

his nipples queef I'm too high to read that last one that made us cough make his nipples queef. I'm too high to read. That last one that made us cough just levelled us. I'm going to do it though. Your dad asks if you're a leg man or a breast man when he's coughing the turkey

and then when you answer he says I'm a giblets man myself. Your dad is bringing sexy back and by that I mean he's picking your brother up from the airport I saw your dad the other day spreading out of the butchers with a long link of sausages in his mouth Your dad wrestles his teddy bears

and suicidal thoughts Your dad wrestles his teddy bears and suicidal thoughts. Your dad once rode off a car by cycling out in front of it. And we're done. Bye. Night night. Right, I can't pick his name out of it.