Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 8. Goodbye America, RIP Matty

Episode Date: August 5, 2019

An extended Episode for no other reason than it was flowing... and it was the end of the USA tour... and we padded with roasting Matthy for no reason other than we miss him. Recorded in Nashville before flying home.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Muggins and cream. Cross the finish lane. It's too hot. Pickles and pleather. Excuse me? Pickles and pleather. Cross the finish lane together. Why are you calling me pickle?

No, you're pleather. Please. Remember, you bought a pleather jacket. Real leather. Hmm. Play leather. Explain yourself, by the way. to play the dragon really hmm play a little um explain yourself by the way

for what right come into my room to do a podcast aye and you had not left the air conditioning on so it's

so we've been we've been outside for like a solid fucking hour we queued to get fucking food which we'll get onto in a second yeah we queued for fucking food and they're fucking hot

I'm very very hot come back into your room we went for a whiskey on a roof terrace that didn't have an elevator so we climbed the fucking stairs we're fucking hanging at the top

we just had a big feed after waiting I was like made they went oh whiskey please a nice whiskey nah nah house plastic glasses please

fucking had a house whiskey and a plastic glass glasses please fucking had a house whiskey and a plastic glass and a fucking scorching sun neat neat thinking we're like oh toast at the end of the tour

we're just there I haven't made a huge mistake so we're very honest we've come back so we've come back into my room and by the way when I said

I've made myself at home and you saw all the mess fucking TSA had been through my luggage have they they just fucking ripped it all apart shoved it back in opened it just everywhere just my luggage went everywhere so Fucking TSA had been through my luggage. Have they? They just fucking ripped it all apart, shoved it back in,

opened it, just everywhere, just my luggage went everywhere. So when TSA came in, did you remember to spread all the clothes around here? Is that what you said? No, I just had to fucking dig through it

and get stuff, I had it all organised and I have it all rolled up neat. I have all my clothes rolled here and I've seen them. What's this lie? I fucking roll my clothes. No you don't.

Can I have a look in the clothes section? It's okay. What sort of lie have you just made up now after fucking TSA? I fucking rolled. Like not my dirty stuff, my clean stuff's all up now after fucking TSA? I fucking rolled. Like, not me dirty stuff. I mean, clean stuff's all rolled. Me dirty stuff, like, I wedge in.

Yeah, fucking... Because it's dirty. I don't even care if it's neat. You fucking roll your thing. What, are you a fucking Buzzfeed article? No, I just did stuff to fucking Chris. It's a wee fucking viral video. Here's a great way to save space,

and you're a fucking loser. Put your clothes in like a normal beer. Everybody's watching even if you're a t-shirt. Has he not heard of an iron? Nah, mate, he hasn't heard of fucking rolling up his t-shirts. I don't know if he hasn't heard of fucking rolling up his t-shirts, that's the ones he hasn't heard of. Man. Fucking roll them up man.

Fucking Jesus. Life hack. Oh, it's exactly that. But it's a good one. I bet you fucking roll up your socks and put them in your shoes. What are you doing? To save space. Do you fold them?

I buy a bigger bit of luggage, I buy a bigger bit of luggage because of my grown fucking man. Do you still fold them? Or I also don't pack..., yeah, it's just... Oh, hello, the 60s is on the phone. The 60s want the life hack back. Folding clothes. Folding clothes isn't a fucking life hack.

It's a thing you do. I was at one point. Somebody discovered it. Those clothes just went everywhere. It didn't make anything easier. Somebody went and phoned them and you were like, oh, lordy dog. It didn't make anything easier.

It just made things neater. That's why you fold it, Nina. It's easier to store. And you look better with creases right and then you go hold on

hold on we're settled for folding roll that bitch no you can fuck up you can roll

them if you want you'll take the fucking creases I'll fold a spliff you roll a

spliff who would you rather have a spliff off well rolling's better than folding's no

it is in the in the name of the wind one of our favourite books one of the top seven fallacies is you said that like we like that we like that

we do we do it is I thought it was not worth it that's also like my parents and the lack of sex we have and the lack of sex we have and the lack of chemistry even though

we're going to get to the point that we're talking about which I said explain yourself aye which makes it more like me parents but we'll do the quote from Name of the Wind Name of the Wind so when Kvothe is trying to get into the university

one of the questions they ask him are what are the top seven fallacies in any arguments and one of them is they ask him are what are the top seven fallacies in any arguments, and one of them is analogies. And if you talk to your wife, she thinks that's one of your big ones that you do. Bad analogies? It's the way you attempt to win arguments,

is you come up with an arbitrary analogy, and the analogy makes sense, and then you go, therefore, that must apply to all of the other things. Nah, but my analogies lays humour into it I would like you to

know I'm not the one who criticises your analogies you know 90% of the time I find them very funny and I laugh I try not to

serve up a broken analogy I like it to work even if it is stupid I like it to hold up in court the thing is an analogy should

never hold up in court it should under no circumstance should an The thing is, an analogy should never hold up in court. Under no circumstance should an analogy ever hold up in court. If in court, the judge is like, well, it's like this. It's like nothing. This is what happened. It is this. That's your problem.

It's you. You would happily. As a jury member, you would would happily you would as a jury member you would absolutely be swayed by a decent analogy you'd go it is the exact same

good point mate they are like onions they do have layers why are we trailing this order I see him differently now release him release him

release him he him release him he's a good guy like an onion makes me cry has layers I put him in soup fucking love get a soup

you're like the only time of the day right fine fine let's bring this up even though it's the last

of the day it wasn't meant to be a day of I love you but right but you are a fucking soup Nazi. Like, nothing I've ever experienced. You are a genuine food...

And not even soup, you're a food Nazi. I didn't get... I didn't realise that because it's something I hate and other people care about what I've got in my mouth. Oh, you are a... You are a food Nazi. Here's the two things that you've got in your high horse about in this fucking tune.

Oh, here we go. Yeah, it is. Oh, it's all coming out now. Here's the fucking things you've got in your high horse about in this fucking tune. Oh, here we go. Yeah, it's... Oh, it's all coming out now. Here's the fucking thing you've got in your high horse about, right? I, in an airport where time doesn't exist, time doesn't exist in an airport.

Oh, this is true. It's international waters. Nothing counts. All clocks are arbitrary. Time is an utter construct. People usually say that when it comes to beer, though, and not soup.

I... That laws that you're... You're definitely using that laws of loot it was it was 11 in the morning it was 11 in the morning fuck off was it

it was it fucking was we'd just only been out for 10 hours it was 5 in the morning it was not 5 in the morning and even then even then

listen to you you fucking food nazi the state of it look oh my god I shouldn't care I've been fucking soup Auschwitz

honestly right I ordered soup right because it's not for breakfast not of it oh my god I've been fucking soup Auschwitz honestly right I ordered soup right because it's not for breakfast not well first meal of the day sure

but I've never been to breakfast oh man got right up in me grill no no you just say it that way you're projecting I'm not I was just laughing at you

having soup at the end oh no but then every no no I was laughing at you you were like you can eat soup anytime you can't

I just take a joke man you fucking no no I was laughing and you were like you can eat soup anytime you can't I meant to just take a joke but no no no no it's been all you want you want a Horlicks as well do you in this hot country

I'm like it's fucking air calm down doors I've been too much actually oh the planes in this country I've fucking

asked for a blanket on one of them little bitch I'm high I'm high I'm high I've got a cold I'm cold can you read me

a bedtime story can you bring us a bowl of soup and we can have done you good it's just ridiculous like if you were like

you were like are you getting a fucking plug are you eating soup are you eating a fucking so that's that's your one

fucking that's one of your first many foot Nazi fucking things yelling at me in public for having soup when I wanted to screaming in my face So that's one of your first many food Nazi fucking things. Yelling at me in public for having soup when I wanted to. Screaming in my face. Screaming in my face.

And then the other one, right? Do you agree with the concept that people are allowed to have food preferences? Aye. Right, okay. So if somebody, like, for example, what's a food that you don't like? There's one. Like, if I was to pick a food I didn't like, I'd have to list something that wasn't food. Like grass.

Flower petals. Right, cool, cool, right. Grass, grass, right. Let's say you go to a country, right, and when it comes to breakfast, right, all seven things on the menu are grass, right? Now, everyone else likes grass. And that's fine.

They're allowed to like grass. I'd be like, shit, I wish I liked grass. I wouldn't be like, change the climate for me. No. What he's getting at is everything has eggs on it.

But would you not? No, no, I'm not asking you to change the climate. I wouldn't be. I'm not saying change the climate. It's a bit of a left turn to get soup. I'm not saying

change the climate. I don't like eggs. I'm going to have to have soup. No. But man, everything else is fucking eggs, isn't it? This country and Australia

are two fucking countries that cannot fathom a break. You think it's just the eggs thing, but then you get the end of the eggs. It'll be like a bowl of fruit and yoghurt and you're like, I don't like fruit and then it'll be like...

I do like fruit. You know, I've never seen you buy it. I've seen you eat it when it's there. I won't do it. I won't do it. No, no, no.

You're not sat down in a restaurant. No, no, yeah, because fuck off. Fuck off. Is that a meal that you prepared that I'm paying for? What, you cut up some shit

and put some yoghurt on it? That's what cooking is. Go fuck it. No, it's not. There's skill in fucking cooking. There's no skill in some kind of taking a bag of fucking granola,

pouring granola into a bowl, flinging some fucking blueberries on it, and then charging me for the fucking yoghurt you mucked all over it. Well, you're not going to walk into the fucking shop and Tesco's get a couple of fruits

and then start slicing them up in the middle of the airport, are you? Well, only because I'm not in life. What? A knife, not life. I've got a life. They're holding me back

from living my best life. You don't hear it. So yeah, and then you'll get like, oh, it'll be whatever, chicken Caesar salad or something like that and you're like,

ah, no, I don't even have salad and you're actually eliminating all of the menu and going oh there's nothing I like on here it's the eggs no no no

that's true the eggs are always a small corner of the menu no no no because it's fucking breakfast time so it's fucking breakfast time like I can't have the rest of the stuff but there are some things

I'm with you in a little bit of the food Nazi stuff for example if you have steak for breakfast you're a fucking psychopath but less psychopathic than having soup no

wrong no no no no right If you have steak for breakfast, you're a fucking psychopath. But less psychopathic than having soup? No! Wrong. Ah! No, right. Break it up! No, no, no, right. Oh, great. Break it up! You've got a bit of a truth to tell.

You've got a coffee. You think I want something else hot? You're telling me, you're telling me you'd have fucking steak over soup at that fucking time in the morning?

100%. You're a madman. Right, oh, you're a lawless fucking renegade but you still enforce your fucking ridiculous food fucking

ethics in places where they're not it's not your stomach's jurisdiction I just think it's you don't want a wet meal for your first meal

of the day like which coming from you you want to have something a bit hearty fucking you you're one you're like the audacity of this man right tell me that I can't? Fucking you. You're one of... Like, the audacity of this man, right? Tell me that I can't have one of these...

You're one of those proper muggles where you're just like... You are one of those proper muggles of I'm not myself until I've had my coffee. You can't I? So are you. No, I don't drink coffee. I haven't had your coffee now. Look at you. It's fucking 3pm.

You're still a nightmare. Anyway, let's get to the point so the point is right I'm like I've made myself at home because my bag was fucking everywhere because the TSA I'm hot

and then Danny went I think that's me I thought at home stripped out of his shreddies and got in my bed and then we balked write your dad jokes we always do podcasts

in bed on the bath on the bath aye that is you've actually stumped yourself there so is this any different

well to be fair it's actually very different from a jacuzzi I don't know I would be a liar if I was like this is the exact same as I was getting

but it's like there's times when you should be in semi undress in times when you probably shouldn't and when you probably shouldn't and when you probably shouldn't is when

you just claim on your mate's bed I'm hot you're not that's why it stops here do you want some red wine

fucking hell he's schmoozing us I've got a wave I'm just saying no I've got a wave I'll have some red wine no don't give it

oh fucking give it big legsicks on Lime also also this this next 30 seconds of the podcast is literally just for Natalie oh my god Natalie

fucking so we got the Lime scooters to breakfast and fucking back today and every every five minutes

I had to stop for a solid 10 minutes until he caught up so he's slow on all forms of vehicle Natalie anyway back to the rest of the podcast checking in the scenery Every five minutes I had to stop for a solid ten minutes until he caught up. So he's slow on all forms of vehicle now. Anyway, back to the rest of the podcast. Take it in the scenery. Take it in the... Now he's pouring me wine like a little bitch.

We're not having wine. We are not having wine. I was halfway there. We could have had a lovely glass of wine with our fucking... So it's the end of this year? But you're too proud? You're too proud? You get it in.

What? You get it in, little bitch. Oh, I already? Yeah, okay. I was just going to carry on a little later. I was going to hold the podcast up, weren't you, McBlane? Yeah.

Look, if you pour wine, you're not a bitch. We just have a nice glass of wine together, you're not a bitch. You just sort of... glass of wine together, you're not a bitch. You just sort it out. No, because this is still, this is how proud I am. That's still me getting permission. It was my decision before. It's not my decision anymore.

You've robbed my right to do it. Like, I can't. Right, all right. I'm not. There's only one. We're both on, we're instilled, mate. We're both on wine. I'm going to put a gun over there.

Me neither. And get that, right? Me neither. Because I'll be a little bitch. And even though I could be like, oh, you know what? I'm more of a man than that.

I can stand up and go over there and be called a bitch. Sweet, do that. Do that then. But still be a bitch. For the outside look, I'd be a bitch. Even if I didn't care,

I still would be. And that's the thing that matters. So the only way we can deal with this is if you can go there like a bitch and get it and then pass it to me and i'll pour it out like a little bitch it would just both be bitches no no there's no you get it i'll pour well because you think that if i get it no if you bring it in i make a hat bitch and then not pour it exactly

so you know you're gonna pour it i know you know you're gonna to pour it. I know I'm going to pour it. You know you're going to pour it. So you have to get there. So like, this is a, I mean, you do want the wine. Get over there, you little bitch. All right, pick that up. You do want the wine. Pick that up and pass it to me. Pick that up, but thanks. Right. And the glasses.

What? I'll drink out the fucking bottle. Yeah, I will now. Can I get the coke for you, bitch? No. No. No. Can I get a coke for you, bitch? No! No! I stood to my end of the bargain.

I'm going to do it with my teeth. This is toxic masculinity. This is a man that has principles. Daniel Sloss is currently trying to open a bottle of wine by soaking on it it's foam fabrication he's lifting around it

I'm using my teeth I'm using my teeth yeah right aye you're fucking I can hear it grinding off the glass because your mouth is wide around it and he's looking at it in the eye

and I'm saying I'm not a bitch are you actually getting it out? no not even close I can't even get the foil off just because you weren't red not a bitch are you actually getting it out no not even close I can't even get the foil off it's because you weren't red there

when you were sucking red wine your head started trembling your eyes started popping out sucking on the

bottle I was like if that comes out it's going to lunge down his throat fucking and then I'll be like aye aye

I can't believe you got us into this game I'll be like aye aye I can't believe you got us into this game and this is aye I'll be there you're choking on the coke and I'll be like aye right

you want us to give you the Heimlich manoeuvre get into your boxers climb your bed pretend to choke do you how do I'm sorry

do you use the Heimlich manoeuvre to get into people's boxers that's what you're doing to me don't spin this on me you're the one doing it you're the one that said I'll give you a Heimlich manoeuvre by getting into your boxers that's not you're doing to me. You're the one doing it. You're the one that said I'll give you a hypermanoeuvre by getting into your boxers.

That's not... No, no. You got into your boxers and then pretended to choke. You didn't keep up with a bit. I did. I'm on a higher frequency than you. You are on a higher frequency than me. You're fucking stunging your box.

He just missed us from point blank range. With what? He just missed us. point blank range with what he just missed us with what emotionally I'm literally right here not least sometimes does that you know

I get a cock shoot mate you put the weight back don't call me a bitch I want to drink I'm so thirsty You put the weight back. Don't call me a bitch! I want a drink.

I'm so thirsty. We've done a seven-week fucking tour. We go home so soon. I just want a glass of red wine. And you're ruining it. You're ruining it by bringing in toxic mustard. Pass it here. I'll open it. I will open it.

Just pass it here. Pass the cockscrew as well pass the glasses horrible man horrible so unnecessary you do this all the time we'll be out

we'll be having a nice time and we'll be smoking a joint and we're smoking it at such a normal pace that people do and then you get this fucking glint in your eye. It came on. And you just go, and you just turn it into a competition and you know I don't back down. Here's the thing, before we had mutual respect because we know that anything we do will turn

into a competition and we're not going to stop. So that mutual respect means that we don't do it we stopped doing pranks on each other a long time ago because because because it'll never end

there's a meant to be a mutual respect it wasn't necessary in the end you fucking slap me with gauntlets every day knowing full well didn't the prank thing

start off with like oh like I'll put my balls in your pint on the no it started with you going on my fucking Facebook

and it ended like it was like we're prank years where like it lasted about six months because it was getting too serious and it escalated

too quickly and we just had to we just had to go right we don't do pranks on each other no more because this is gonna get we've had too much

time and creativity too much time and creativity and the thing is both of us can take a joke and people power too we can get people galvanised on a thing.

Like you fucking talked you talked back in 2011 or whatever you talked that girl into fucking getting fully naked on us and then calling a taxi. And she did it.

And then also remember the time you flew to Dublin and you were single but during that time I organised Twitter to make sure that everyone started calling you

Emile Heskey. The fucking doormanan called us Emil Heskey in a gig. I turned up for a gig in Dublin. In fucking the Dormingans. You must follow me on fucking Twitter or something. Is that right, Heskey? I missed a few sit-ups. Yeah. For those that don't get that reference,

Emil Heskey is the second worst football player in all of history, after John Obi McHale. And famously, you are a fucking nightmare. How bad am I? You are a shush. second worst football player in all of history after John Obi McHale and famously you are a fucking nightmare how have I done that you are I took half the cork

it's because you've been chewing it you fucking you fucking moistened it with your fucking sucking right

well it's fucking fully corked well done you absolute you haven't fucking changed attitude now you fucking princess bit of cork in your juices it's fucking fully court well done you absolute spider you want to fucking change

attitude now fucking princess bit of coke in your juices la dee da fucker oh here he comes

oh I'm going to start talking about Thatcher's Britain again oh it was difficult back in my day when we were down in the mines fucking

wiped it in so can I just explain what's happened you went and got the wine eventually you ended up opening it

you've just poured it in the glass there's a there's a you went and got the wine eventually you ended up opening it you've just poured it into the glass there's a there's a grown man in his underwear in your bed and you've done nothing about it

I'm fucking all over him to pour his wine you like that shit congratulations it's been a fucking fun one it's been a good time hasn't it

it's been a really so let's talk about let's talk about that to everyone that came to see our show in America thank you very very very much

it's been I think it's been fair to say it's been a dream come true for both of us something genuinely never in my career it's a proper bucket list

thing isn't it and it's something that's so rare like you have to take into consideration and this is we don't take it for granted at all we're buzzing my tits off about and it's something that's so rare like you have to take into consideration and this is like we don't take it for granted at all

we don't take it for granted we're buzzing my tits off about this yeah it's genuinely a fucking dream come true so few British comedians have ever had the chance

to fucking like crack America and go there and fucking tour let alone go to the cities that we did I described it to someone as a game show prize

imagine imagine top prize on a game show was a you got to go for like a fucking best pal. Go around America, city to city.

City to city. But like a VIP experience too. We've got a really privileged experience. Cities that we've never been to before and a thousand people turning up. In hospitality. The fact that we get audiences in this fucking country and the size of it.

Up to a thousand. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's ridiculous. Like some of the venues were not sold out and the reason they weren't sold out is because they were 1,200 seats and we had fucking 800 people

in the same room before. Oh, we do not take any of this for granted. We're very, very grateful. And also to any other comedians listening, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, we win. Cheers. Cheers. All at the fringe. We're all at the fringe I know

I like the fringe trying to get this life this is I can imagine this is what it feels look at how much fucking corks in that man aye

loads I'm gonna eat it take soup now's a good time for soup so thank you to everyone that came

in the last week what happened we were in Toronto which was amazing thank you to everyone that came in the last week what happened we were in Toronto which was amazing thank you to everyone in Toronto

you were particularly good then it was after that it was St. Louis we went to the bowling alley

afterwards had fun with a lot of the fans that was good yeah the fans that have been hanging

out with us when we've been putting out on Instagram they've generally been fucking awesome there's been

very few fucking mentors there's been very few fucking mentors there's a couple of times right where it's getting two o'clock in the morning and some people aren't handling that drink too well

or they've joined with Forest Spliff and they don't normally smoke weed and they're a bit of a whitey that's the thing it's not necessarily a pet peeve

but like just because you see us smoking weed doesn't mean you have to I know you want to smoke weed with us but you won't be able to handle it sometimes in your pitch and the same reason

that we would say never try to keep up with us pace wise when it comes to drinking because you we're gonna lose you we don't want you to we don't want you to

like we know it's fun for you to drink with your favourite celebrities in the world it's a dream come true but we're on a four and a half week session right now and we're legends and you're fucking Americans

like you just you can't like we let he's from Scotland and I'm a Geordie drinking with you is like letting that fucking wee cancer kid

take a penalty before the football match like he's obviously not playing 90 minutes right it'd be fucking mad if you started against Real Madrid

you bring him on to be nice so everyone can come and so that that kid can have the experience of scoring a goal against Barcelona nice so everyone can come and so that that kid can have the experience of scoring a goal against Barcelona, right? But I'll tell you what,

that cancer kid is shite. But don't put him on for 90 minutes in a competitive match. He's shite. Do not try to bang with us. He's got to get some hard tackles

like a few times to come up against people. Pepe's going to go through him. Pepe's going to snap his leg Pepe's gonna snap his leg! He's got cancer, his bones are brittle! That's a savage thing! But Pepe fucking wants to win man, it's all about the win! So please, hang out with us, do whatever, but don't even attempt...

To bang? To bang with us, you can't do it! And that goes for you too, Matty! You pincy fuck. Fucking hell. Galva said he was out whacking his dog the other day when he got carried away

and walked 13 miles right and the dog gave up after 12 and he had to carry it for the last mile. That's Matthew on every night out. when I bought my new house

Matty asked me who it was for I do miss Matty I do miss him I do genuinely he said me like I miss the punch bag at the gym

just show up and be two of them Matty come back into my life aye bitch Matty come back into our life. Aye. Bitch. Toonplay Arsenal? Aye, aye, Matty come back, Matty come back into our life.

Bitch. Come on little bitch. Bitch, come back into our life bitch. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a bitch. So, after St. Louis, St. Louis, whatever you fucking nerds. St. Louis was,

after that was Houston, where fucking you can't talk they talk through shows man Jabba Jaws honestly Jesus

giving it this that you can't see because it's a podcast but I'm doing the thing with my hand that Matty does to tease you're about to

stick your joke to me there I saw you fucking lying in there You're not going to go and lick them That's what it was No No I was taking a sip

of me wine They spoke a bit in Houston Lovely venue though And then after that Dallas fucking Dallas Dallas rocked

Dallas was the surprise package of the tour Dallas oh no San Diego as well and you know what in San Diego

I kind of had a higher and again to any of my ex-listers there was there was not a single gig

that we didn't fucking love yeah there was generally there was every single place we've

been to we're coming back to we've loved it so basically when we do the UK tour we'll do about

50 dates at the end of tour we'll do about 50 dates at the end of it we'll fucking scratch off a few of them like People's Arts Centre see you again yeah yeah places that will never

fuck Kilmarnock we'll never go back to Kilmarnock no thank you none of this happened here none of it happened so like it's only it's only going to get bigger

yeah it's not going to get refined even Houston where some of them spoke the rest of the audience were so good they were obviously coming back

but Dallas was something just special that was just such a wonderful gig it was so fun afterwards we had a very silly night and then New Orleans

New Orleans New Orleans New Orleans New Orleans you've got it going on it's Benidorm strip times a thousand aye but with a bit I wouldn't want to say class but it's just like you know what I mean that on. It's Benidorm strip times a thousand. Aye, but with a bit of,

I wouldn't want to say class, but it's just like, you don't want to say Benidorm because it doesn't have class, but it's not about to pop off. It's not like, it doesn't feel like it's hostile, but it's not classy.

No. It's not unclassy, the fact that you didn't feel like you're going to get robbed of style. Aye, you're not going to get fucking spiked by a fucking Dutch midget. Yep.

Aye, it was very good and also New Orleans was one of those cities you can drink down the street and why can't you why can't

you know that shit that you drink that's what they talk about when they say Americans freedom I'm like alright like in those moments that's what freedom is

you walk into a fucking bar like a grown adult right and you go hey can I have a margarita and she'll be like are you going outside with it and you go aye and she goes okay I'll put it in plastic

then she's not recommending you and it's strong margarita it's just logical they don't want to lose their glass they want their glass back it's going to end up broken on the street somewhere they're never going to get that back so we'll give you a plastic cup meet in the middle somewhere we'll figure this one out we'll just give you perishables

it takes away that element of like when you're with a group of people somewhere we'll figure this one out we'll just give you perishables as you walk out it takes away that element of like when you're with a group of people come on finish your drinks and somebody's just bought a drink

and they're like fucking all of a sudden they're down in gin and tonic you just go nah fuck it I'll just walk with it good fucking cool

fun vibrant city some of the best fans we met I say best fans like there was most we met after the show and they were all lovely

but none of you kind of brought me fucking weed and this is now very much that was funny because you put that out there

after New Orleans and we got a bit too much in Nashville in Nashville I did a very very bitchy video while drunk complaining about

the fact that we didn't get any weed while we were in so people started rolling in the car on the way to the gig and that so to Mac

and Kelly thank you thank you so much for the weed we appreciate it fucking greatly is that the guy that bummer off the stage I

that was funny so at the end of the fucking show Kai had to be a fucking drink and then I turn around and there's just a man behind me with a bag of weed goes hey

I heard they can't storm the fucking stage which I don't know if you know this audience but that's And then I turn around and there's just a man behind me with a bag of weed. He goes, hey, I hear there's a sort of problem. They can't storm the fucking stage, which I don't know if you know this audience, but that's really not allowed. Yeah, that's why I've got police in the venue and fucking security in the venue in case anybody tries to rush the stage. So we've got like a level of protection. So we walked away with a bag of weed and then we're like oh they're about to get him because they'll have

seen him jump up or someone will have pointed it out so they'll be coming after him so we had to send Neil out who's been our tour manager to make sure

that he wasn't in trouble he didn't get strung armed out of the venue Hayes' name wasn't Mac Mac was the girl that rolled the joint she didn't have the courage oh I tell you

she didn't have the courage to stop the save she didn't have the fucking audacity it was the guy whose name I cannot remember but didn't have the courage to stop the tape she didn't have the fucking audacity it was the guy whose name I cannot remember but it's on

Instagram shall we play our fan favourite I forgot they were doing the hypotheticals again oh I think

we're sponsored now what I think we're sponsored now I think we'll have an advert at the beginning

of the episode surely that's up to us yeah and we accepted it because we did royal we how much money are we getting I've got no idea have an advert at the beginning of the episode surely that's up to us yeah and we accepted it because we did royal we

how much money did we get I've got no idea it tells you you can't fucking sign up to it it tells you how much you get as you go I think it's based on

hits or whatever so please share but it was Live Nation in their operator tour so they've like essentially done us a solid Live Nation Live Nation

no more sweaty balls baboo So they've essentially done us a solid. Live Nation. Live Nation. No more sweaty balls, boo-boo. That'll be in this. Don't go to this podcast. Live Nation. Live Nation. No more sweaty balls. Where's my check?

Where is my check? It's eight. Works for Bar. It's going to work for us. Let's play our new fan favourite game Hypotheticals okay right I'll go first this time

okay right a new planet was found and it's exactly like Earth right but unpopulated aye and half the population

is going to go to it you don't know which half you just know you can stay or go and there'll be randomly generated half the population will go with you

oh wait is randomly generated or is it so you can't no go and there'll be randomly generated half the population will go with you oh wait it's randomly generated or is it so you can't no no I'm taking away in the hypothetical I'm taking away

you being able to choose based on friends you don't know piggy fuck I don't know I'll take that you don't know

if piggy's going 30 30 13 you don't know if piggy's going you don't know if I'm going you don't know if yourgy's going you don't know if I'm going you don't know if

your parents are going yeah right your sister might be there oh so I'm going to hell all you know no no but my question is because it's very difficult

I understand that I don't get to select here but is it choice based for example like is the people going to this other planet are they choosing

or are we talking Thanos clicking it's just across it's fully randomly generated so I'm the only one that gets the choice yep

I'm the only one that gets the choice okay do I go to the other planet yep do you stay on this planet where it's already got wifi

it's got the internet it's got comedy clubs it's got like everything the infrastructure of the life that you've woven yourself into but it's ultimately doomed.

I'd go to the other planet. Oh, you'd go to the other planet, start afresh and you're back to pioneers chopping down trees, making houses with wood, trying to replicate the technology that we've got and starting from scratch. No governments, it's going to be a bit lawless for a while. I absolutely go to the other planet because I think at that point all it takes is... Because the thing is you might end up there with a bunch of fucking Christians. New religions will be born, it'll be a whole new civilisation.

It's gonna be brand new. In fact, it might even be a little bit fucking Hunger Games at the beginning. I would go there to fucking... I would go there to seize power. I would go there and the thing that, like, I'm a better... I guarantee I'm a better public speaker than 99.9% of people. And because it is fucking lawless, I guarantee... You could rise like Jesus. Absolutely, I could rise like Jesus.

Absolutely. I can convert people to my fucking way of thinking. I'd be like, hey, here's a new planet. We've got time to fucking... Oh, my God, what have I created? No, no, no, no, no, no. Look, hey, hey, hey, hey. It no no no no no it's good look hey hey hey it's a dictatorship

but it's a fucking happy one I assure you and anyone who denies it will be shot I have created it is hell it's hell

you're gonna go you're gonna raise hell hey fucking blast me watch your god damn life immediately

oh my god absolutely you're not designed to be god on this planet it's not I'm not being a god

I'm being a worthy dictator I thought you were Going to answer It's like Oh yeah We'll preserve the earth And like Yeah I

Global warming's not there yet And I'll make sure That it never fucking happens Because I'll make sure That we only burn Christians I'll use Oh man I won't use fossil fuels

I'll use I'll use fossil aged people I'll use elders, right? Any old person there, I'm like... Witchcraft. Would you use... No, I would use old people. If you are over, in my planet,

if you're over 70 years old, right, government-mandated death. Right? Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. You've done your time. You're so pointless.

You're pointless no no no no government mandated death but this is the thing you don't love the general elderly right

oh you see elderly is how I see dogs but you love your elderly the people you've learned from and then used to call them

around them I love my grandparents but they gotta go but they should be dead by now it is it's a spit in the

face of God nah I think you shouldn't every person over the age of 71 is an abomination like how like it says

you're a scientific but the only reason you're here is because of medicine and it's against God in my opinion we just need to change how the old

people are we just need to learn from them and go right no we don't need to learn from them we just need to go oh they haven't become

so set in their ways and stubborn we need to look at them and go, right. No, we don't need to learn from them. No, no, we just need to go, oh, they haven't become so set in their ways and stubborn. We need to look at them and go, oh, they got old wrong. Like, let's get old and be inclusive with like the new generations and try and learn the new technologies. You have my full permission to kill me at 70 years old. At 70 years, man, that is so above the average life span.

But a lot of people, man, they've been fucking working all their life and then they get to that age, they just want a couple of years, they just want to be anything years and just not do anything. And those are the fucking racists. So that's why you kill them when they're 70.

They just want to not do anything for a bit. They've been doing stuff all their life. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. And because they were doing stuff all their life, they didn't earn

a fucking personality trait and they've got bigoted opinions because the only thing they could afford to read on the bus was the sun. Weeping statements. Absolutely. Just be a better old guy.

Just go, oh, I don't become that. Anyway, your country is going to... Country planet, actually. Yeah, planet. Well. Oh, well,

it's your hypothetical. It's supposed to be. Start slowing down. At least try and run a part of it first. No, I can't. It's not going to turn into a fucking dictator. How are you going to... I'm going to win the minds of the people.

I could, because in order to become a dictator, I genuinely have to win them over. Like, I can't be a dictator from the start. That's psychopathic.

Like, you're creating Christianity or trying to become a Jesus-type figure. I'm not. So that in 2,000 years, people are going to be fucking Jesus in you. And you're giving the world

a fucking religion for your own ego? No, no. Do you know how Jesus-y I'd be? This is how Jesus-y I'd be. And it would be such a... How Jesus-y I'd be? This is how Jesus-y I'd be.

How would you be? How Jesus-y I would be, right? Is because I would put in all these fucking laws that I have in general, which is you're allowed to believe whatever you want, but you're, you know, just standard fucking laws. Like, your religion's not... No cults except mine.

Yeah, no cults except mine. Your religion's not allowed to affect anything. Even, you know, your religion or your beliefs are not allowed to necessarily, like, affect things in the fucking sense. making the policy and then and then while enforcing that the same as what you like and then but but but it's punishable by death so if you enforce anything that is just your belief beyond that and you you know the way that religion does

because i was thinking let me finish right uh it's enforced by death, and then what I would do is I would break that law myself and accept the death penalty and be like, you know what, yes. You died for the sins. I would, as an example, be like, hey, I'm not above it. I'm not above the law.

That's the best way a fucking politician should be. I didn't realise by laying down this fucking hypothetical I would absolutely unearth your messiah complex. Unearth? I didn't realise by laying down this fucking hypothetical I would absolutely unearth your Messiah complex. On Earth. I'm sorry. Have I been subtle about this at any fucking point in my life? Are you deaf? No, I've just discovered it now.

That was a finding. I wrote that down as a finding. Jot that down in my journal oh somebody somebody thinks big of themselves oh you think

you know a guy humble slosso scratch humble out nobody's ever called me humble nah right here's my question

for you 3013 oh no so that was the time that you said piggy's name did you just read the time that you said Piggy's name. Did you just read the time off and know it?

That's a joke, you fucking moron. You didn't think the paragraph would be bigger? Oh, that's a joke, sure. Right. Realistically, realistically, how much would someone have to pay you to eat a full shite I don't know why it makes a better answer to me you can pick the shite but it's got to

I like my beer oh bloody I thought you didn't like soup. I don't like hot soup. I do like it. I tell you what, is that something that affects your health? Like,

Dr. Mapu's cold. Asking for a blanketing on the plate having a shit what's the opposite of ring sting it's chilly down there eating curry just to get it

to room temperature oh god to the seven people that will understand this podcast this has been one of our best Matty loved it hold on Oh, God. To the seven people that will understand this podcast, this has been one of our best. Marty loved it.

Hold on. Can I, like... Full shite, and I'm talking... The shit's got to be at least the size of a dick. Not my dick. Not my dick. I've got to think of a way of appetising this hypothetical. I mean, I'm buying time with this question, but where's the money coming from?

What do you mean? Oh, it's just, literally, literally. From the ether? No, no, no. No, some eccentric fucking millionaire who's just like, I've got all this money, this is what I'm fucking doing. And he walks by and he just goes,

hey, how much would I have to pay you to eat a full shit? Right, right, I'm a billionaire right but what's the lowest I would go? Aye. Like what, because there is a price because obviously you wouldn't eat a shit for five quid but you would eat a shit for five million quid right so that because we've got those parameters there is a line I'm asking you what you think that line is

peel it back right would I have to have I'm not too status driven so I don't think I need the status of being a millionaire

so I would drop below a million right so it would have to be an amount that buys us a nice house that I'm never going to have to pay a penny

I still want to live in London fuck then again but now you're in the million price range pay a penny in the I still want to live in London fuck then again though but now you're in the million price range now you're in the million price range I could get a place

that would be comfortable and central enough for half a mil would I go on lower than half a mil I mean the question is would you eat a shite for 400,000 pounds

100,000 a day I'm going to get a dude to that 100,000 quite like the idea of that day I'm going to get a dude to that £100,000 quite like the idea of that but then if somebody just like last minute just about to bite

it's £90 though would I then push the plate away? I would again you've got it so you've got us in that spot now you've got us in that spot

I've agreed a bit I've got a napkin on I've got a knife and fork I've asked if I'm allowed to have my ascent there. You're blowing on it. I put the same way you did with a bottle of wine. You're dipping bread in it.

Sorry, sorry. I'll try not to get full. I've got a peg on my nose and you went, I'll be having that. You took the peg off. Started pegging me with it. You're like stipulations, my friend. 90G. I'm not eating a shit for 90,000.

There you go. I've got, and this is again, this is one of those things where this is steeped privilege because I've got loads of money, so I'm fine. Well, it's not that I've got loads of money, but I'm comfortable. I don't need this. I live how I want to live, but then it's like, I don't need it don't need this I live how I want to live

but then it's like I don't need but then there might be some extravagances I've closed my eyes to that I could get if you put that extra money on us like some

like I might I might have never considered getting a fucking flash car because I didn't need a flash car but all of a sudden all of a sudden

you've spent a day eating a shit you can have yourself a fucking nice flash car 90 grand a day a wheel lotus lease huh just like a second hand Toyota you know day you can have yourself a nice flash car, 90 grand a day. A wheel, a Lotus Elise? Huh?

Just like a second hand Toyota, you know? A Toyota Braze as well, proper family carrier. Something flashy, something I'd never dream of. I don't know, a car that would be a nice luxury, but again... Oh yeah, a nice luxury sports car to drive it 20 miles an hour in the fucking motorway

exactly and I'm fucking so I've given up on the hoose at this point now fucking 50 grand I start looking

at that guy and well just just do a bit more work just just do a bit of craft like fucking try and get into

the corporate world or whatever and fucking just suck a dick on stage instead fucking try and get into the corporate world or whatever and fucking just suck a dick on stage instead of fucking eating a shit in your bedroom or whatever so what's your

are you going down to 50 when you eat a shit for 50 grand 50g eating a shit there's some people fucking this is what's funny

there's some people now I've got the 50g there's some people screaming I'd fucking cost you what Dave Longley would pay to do it and there's some people going I've got the 50G there's some people screaming at him of course you would Dave Longley would pay to do it

and there's some people going what why is he this slow does someone think he wants to eat it it just sounds like a fucking fancy restaurant I'm telling you right now

to eat his shit you'd have to be a billionaire you're status driven oh 100% yeah yeah yeah could somebody go somebody go I can offer you

200,000 pounds I go I can you don't have the opportunity cost to reflect upon like the times you've worked fucking long hours Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could somebody go, I can offer you 200,000 pounds. I go, I can't. You don't have the opportunity cost to reflect upon like the time you've worked fucking long hours

in a factory. How willing you were to make money to just fucking get by. People always talk about privilege as if it's shite. It's real good, man.

It's really good. So you know when I first started comedy, right, people were talking about adverts a lot. Like it's selling out to do an advert

and that was a lot of the forum chats. Like before Facebook really took over the chat, it was all on these forums and I used to get on them. Yeah, I used to go on them

just to try and pick up gigs and stuff and there would always be conversational debates about like, if you're selling it. I was like, motherfucker,

I'll pack lipstick for fucking whatever, five pound an hour, whatever minimum wage I was. That's what you called having sex. Pack lipstick, I'm fucking packing lipstick, whatever minimum wage I was. I thought that's what you called having sex. Pack lipstick. I'm packing lipstick, baby.

Puck her up. Buy the t-shirt. Buy the t-shirt. I'm packing lipstick, ladies. Puck her up. People would buy the t-shirts. We could have a better business model. No, no. Very much my side. Just because

you have fans that are dumb enough to pay for shit does not mean that you should cash in on that. That's such an American stance thing. That's what capitalism is. So this has come around full circle. No, I wouldn't eat a shit for 50,000 because I have integrity.

Nice. But my integrity does have a price. Of course it does. I'm going to say 80,000. You'd eat a shit for 80,000? 80,000. I reckon I could probably It's my price. I'm going to say 80,000. You'd eat your shit for 80,000 pounds? 80,000. I reckon I could probably

pay off my flat that I'm already paying for at the minute with that. That would more than cover it. Why not? It's something nice. I could have some toothpaste

to ask if I can use it. No, but what I was saying about the adverts, let's cover this still. I used to pack lipsticks for a five-point an hour. If someone come along and went,

someone come along and went, wear a lipstick, I'll give you a grand. My brain just clocked the hours that I was fucking putting them in the thing.

And all I have to do is just take it to the pocket, put it on, I can get off my shift and then your pay is for several weeks. Gives me money. I'd wear lipstick

for a five-point. Well, I'd tell it for like fiver what on telly for like buy this lipstick oh it's like a fucking like an advert and the itchy bond Joey from Friends adverts

that's a stunning reference to anyone I didn't get it so there's an episode of Friends where Chandler finds out that Joey's done adverts

in Japan for a lipstick male lipstick brand called itchy bond for men it's blue lipstick oh man it's a stunning male lipstick brand called Ichiban for men it's blue lipstick oh man

it's a stunning reference and I deserve an Oscar for it that's a that's a good reference because everybody's seen every episode of Friends

except me because this is how I watch Friends someone else is watching it I whack in enjoy the shit out of it right so I've never

sat down on my own to watch Friends that is that is one bit of that's one bit always sunny same as that I watch it with people at a table back in I watching I'm like a fucking love this show that's it that's one bit about the generation I existed that I fucking miss I think there is a

generation that's not spoken about much basically we get told about fucking shit and Millennials and fucking gem why there's a generation before Millennials right which is where, where the internet was invented while you were young. Like there was a time in your life when you were nine years old

and the internet didn't exist or it did. You're talking to him? Yeah, yeah, no, that's me as well, right? Oh, yeah. So the first time I remember going on the internet

I was 11 years old. People seem to think there's a generation of the internet came when you were 30-something or you've been born with the internet.

There's this whole fucking generation of us in the middle just going, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I remember it being born halfway through. So there's some things that we fucking miss. For example, as much as I'll have been watching TV shows, there was something so fucking special

about every Thursday at 8pm on E4 was the new episode of Friends. And if you didn't watch it, you didn't, that's it. Conversation at school. That's it, you got out of the conversation, man, it was such a, it was such a genuinely, I don't know, like such a unifying experience because things were just on the telly and if you didn't see them, then that was it. And I don't know.

That's why, you know, I think that's why I was. There's less sense of community the hype of Game of Thrones was one of the fucking only things that was slow drip release aye and it was good

and we all got so invested fucking so invested to the point that people were fucking let down by it like if that was just a fucking blam there's your box set put on Netflix

people would have just watched it in their own time right and then at the end they would have went, ah, the ending was a bit shit. But because it was slow drip, and everyone was hanging on it, I think that's why it was as big as it was.

It's because it was the last slow drip fucking series. Which absolutely, yeah. It's that magnitude for sure. Right. What's your next hypothetical? Oh yeah, I've got a couple. We can also do a longer one let's just do a longer podcast

fuck it I would maybe I do fancy another spliff I'd have a spliff break after the hypotheticals fuck it let's just let's roll into this one we'll go do two or three

three do the three if you had to choose between not washing your armpits or not brushing your teeth for a year what would you do oh god okay right so if I'm not let's brush my teeth is worship am I allowed to chew gum yeah am I allowed to use mouthwash nah nah that's that's brushing your teeth that's like part of the

you're not allowed to floss you're not allowed to floss you're not allowed to brush your teeth you're not allowed to brush

you can chew gum you can chew gum I am absolutely yeah no I'll stop brushing my teeth because

I think B.O. as much as halitosis sucks when you're speaking to someone there's other ways to kind of act

for example halitosis all I have to do is when I talk to you I'll just look this way like a fucking mugshot like the second half of a mugshot

you just look fucking the other direction I'm covering my mouth again sorry I'm just doing this thing I'm doing this thing for hypothetical alright and also I'm on stage

so I can just bad breath fucking sucks and it would suck for piggy but this is the thing but B.O. is something else, man.

I can kind of... Like, I can leave a day without washing the fuck out of a push, right? I can't have a full day without brushing my teeth. It feels dirty, but... But, man, to stink. Like, again, it doesn't matter.

Here's the thing that people don't... That fucking people don't understand about deodorant. It doesn't matter how much you wash your fucking armpits we need antiperspirant like it's just like you fucking sweat

and your sweat smells weird like we stink we're fucking beasts at the end of the day and that's the thing you would be caking on antiperspirant all the time

you'd be putting on deodorant oh wait am I allowed to wear deodorant aye but like but you're not allowed to wash your pits oh then oh no that's your chewing gum of the armpit world Aye, but like... But you're not allowed to wash your pits. Oh, then...

That's your chewing gum of the armpit world? Put that on the T-shirt. Fucking deodorant. Chewing gum for armpits. Do you work for Lynx? Fucking hell, what a slogan. We're going to be millionaires. We'll call it Africa.

Deodorant. Deodorant. It's chewing gum for your pits. Oh, sorry. I didn't realise I could wear deodorant. If I can wear deodorant, then I'm absolutely doing that. I've got to brush my teeth. But you're not allowed to wash them.

Are you not going to get a cape on? Do you think they'll end up sticky in that? Do you think they'll end up, like, gooey and layered? I would, because I figured on a technicality. Look, here's my theory. I'm not allowed to wash my pits.

I'm still allowed to shower. I'm just not allowed to fucking scrub them. Oh, no, no. You're still going to get there. Oh, no, you're kind of, yeah. Like, this is that hypothetical. That there's a new machine that's been invented

that washes all of you except your armpits. All right, so it's like a tanning booth. There's just two blind spots for no reason. We're on fucking, like, DEFCON fucking six of their... Oh no, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm accepting the hypothetical. Right, so there's a machine that washes me fully.

I wonder if there's, like, you could check your diet so that your mouth would be better. Like, you know, if you accepting the hypothetical. Right, so there's a machine that washes me fully. I wonder if you could check your diet so that your mouth would be better. Like, you know, if you didn't brush your teeth, but you can now... There's certain things that you eat that don't create bacteria. Surely the same's for fucking me. But here's the thing, though.

If I don't want my breath to stink, all I have to do is what you're saying. It's like, eat vegetables. Eat fruit. I drink a lot of water. Do as much as I can to make sure my breath doesn't fucking stink, whereas, if I'm agreeing to never wear deodorant for a fucking year, I can't go to the gym, I can't go to hot countries, I can't travel, I can't walk fucking places, like, it's way more fucking limiting, whereas, yeah i would oh i'm gonna swing back i'm gonna stick to my original fucking answer i'm gonna say is i wouldn't brush my teeth for a

year because it would feel disgusting but it would be more of a personal disgusting more personal disgusting and it would it would be it would be less effective to other people like it would be it wouldn't ruin my it would maybe ruin my relationship with piggy a little bit because well i mean she's not to want to fucking kiss me. But she can try and stop me. She only weighs about three stone. She tried to kill herself by jumping off a building once and she floated down like a feather. She's like one of them seeds off a train that spins.

The helicopter seed. off a building once and she floated down like a feather she's like one of them seeds off a train that spins the helicopter sometimes I think she's actually just the ghost of her sister oh we've given them another clue oh no we've

spoken about that on the podcast haven't we yeah yeah yeah when we first spoke about my on the podcast yeah yeah yeah yeah when we first spoke about my hypocrisy all right your next hypothetical all right now that was me the one for me right if you could fan us away uh like literally click your fingers and it's gone one type of animal apart from dogs

i was about to try it. Apart from dogs, what would it be? You can get rid of any animal. Wolves. Killed a bunch of dogs by the technicality. Sucker! What would you go for? Sharks. All right alright make swimming funner

sharks do see because I know they don't mean to attack us but they do and they make the sea scary so they need to stop imagine imagine how much all of us would swim in the sea

how much more you'd swim in the sea if sharks didn't exist and also they eat the fish we eat the fish. We eat the fish. So, one less plate at the table. You sound Japanese. Kai Ling.

I think I got, like... there's a lot of shark sympathisers out there oh look that's muggly sharks the sharks are the most dangerous

animal on earth and then you'd go no humans are aye aye we are but we're not the most but also

it's the bill but one of them isn't going to bite this when I'm swimming it's the bill barbara team one of them isn't going to bite us when I'm swimming. No, but it's the Bill Burr routine. Because, you know, people always say, you know, 95% of shark attacks happen in shallow water. You go, yeah, that's where the people are.

Like, if we were all swimming in the deep blue sea, there'd be a lot more shark attacks. You know what? If there was less sharks, there'd be more of us swimming in the deep blue sea. There would be. It wouldn't be as unexplored, right?

Imagine, right? Right, we've explored more of space than we've explored of the sea. And do you know why that is? Because there's less sharks eating astronauts? Exactly. There's no such thing.

Flammitation. Flammation. Flammation. No more swimming bugs. But there is no such thing as space sharks. Nah. There's no such thing as space sharks nah like we're quoting

routines of American comedians but Joe Rogan had a thing about like say we're in Nashville now I don't know what city he was in when he did the routine he was like we're in Nashville

if for instance there was four tigers walking around the streets right now you'd probably think twice about crossing the road and going what the fuck

even if the Tigers were minding their own business on a different part of Nashville, just knowing they were there would make you go, I'll get an Uber. Or at least a scooter. See if you can fucking...

Have you seen that fucking video of the two Indian guys on the fucking moped being chased by the tiger? No. I've seen the one being chased by a bear while they're

snowboarding and they didn't know about it because they just had like a GoPro and a selfie stick it's just snowboarding but then again it might be fake yeah

yeah that one I think is fake it's because I I shared it thinking it was legit like way back way back when and somebody

called fake on it here you go look at this. You guys googling too, what are they googling? They're googling Tiger deadly attack on moped India, go on YouTube and you can live stream it along with it. Watch it with us, pause now and then put this on and then watch it with us. Okay so these two guys, This is such a shitbox, guys. You watching it?

This is why Bert has TVs in his room. So are they on a moped now? Because all we can see is the side of the road. Watch. Oh, no! Oh, crap! Oh, fuck! That's awful.

Oh! Like... I didn't fuck with that thing. That's horrible. Like... It went full fucking... That's how a fucking tiger chasing a moped... Because this is the thing with tigers.

They don't waste their energy, like... No, no, no. That started running. That's their fucking sprint. That is... That started running because they were convinced to have to kill I in their world in their world they were eating dinner and it was you so you stick my sharks take us sharks can go I'm gonna do the world a service there

will be a few people mad at this. There will. But I had to pick an animal. But genuinely, right? Realistically, in the fucking sea, killer whales don't kill people unless they're in captivity. Blue whales are just giant losers

absolute absolute comic book guy just a fucking spotty beard imagine imagine Barry only ate rice

that's a blue whale how do you get that size rice rice just rice plankton That's a blue whale. How'd you get that size? Rice. Rice, just rice. Plankton. That's what it is, isn't it? So, hold on.

What we're killing? Oh, yeah. I was going to add just a little addition to that hypothetical. It would be the correct answer would be the most extinct animal. The next one to go. Because all you're doing

is you're just like fast forwarding. Yeah. The real answer. Yeah, they're fucking, the next one to go. Because all you're doing is you're just like, fast forwarding, yeah. The real answer. Yeah, they're fucking with the ecosystem. Wasps. Wasps and also, I'm going to say this right now. Is that fucking with the ecosystem or not?

Is the sharks fucking with the ecosystem? Man, we fucking, we, first of all. I'm just being dick beast, bye. Look, we've been to the moon and we invented 9-11, right? What humans are capable of. We've been to the moon and we invented 9-11, right? What humans are capable of. Humans are capable of... Because I had to collect away spiders, right?

And people go, spiders help the environment. I'm like, aye. Imagine how many flies it'd be. Aye. Nah. Insects. Fine, insects. I'm collecting my finger.

All insects are gone. All birds will die. Cool. Fine. The only bird that matters, the chicken, will still survive because we need it. I don't give a fuck if I never see a fucking bluebird again. But if you do, if you're an insect, you can't do that because they pollinate the fucking... No, no, we can pollinate ourselves.

We're just being lazy. We got it for now. Aye. Like a Black Mirror episode with the fucking mechanical ones. Realistically, we can pollinate things ourselves. Spray it. Aye. We'll find a way

life finds a way find a way and then just go right insects thanks we've got this from here aye insects

if I could never see a fucking bug again ever in my fucking life brilliant well that's your problem because you've just chose to go to the country where they haven't got

the privileges just to be a god you're going to put up with insects plant it and the thing is you said where they haven't got the privileges just to be a god you're going to put up with insects planet just to be a god the thing is you said

this is another planet oh it's like there's going to be it is earth it's just earth oh no we're going to have to re-domesticate dogs

ah just wolves I don't know what it is right it's not a hearing for dogs that you're making out I've fucking come into this so many times but a dog come up to it a day

he knew wasn't an act you energised man it's a fucking golden retriever like it's a golden retriever yay right and he did that

oh but he came out so happy man the second he walked outside he was patting his feet he was wagging his tail did she was chuffed for your response oh man he was happy to see me, he was wagging his tail. He was chuffed for your response. Man, he was happy to see me. But if anyone in the world, you know what, sometimes it's like meeting fans, right?

Because they come up to you with so much energy, they'll be like, I fucking love you so much. And you're like... Yeah, but we love them back. We're like, oh, we love you. That was fucking awesome because you were there laughing. You're spitting their faces. No, because... That's what you do with dogs.

I've got a connection with a fan. I've connected with them if a fucking stranger come up in the street and went I love you I'd be like fucking way off stranger no you wouldn't

I get strangers doing that to me no no but it's a fan if just a passerby that didn't know you did that that's what a dog does a dog's a passerby

that just went oh fuck I love you mate and you're like not mutual so basically you pet the dog and you're like not mutual so basically you petting a dog and I was like ah

it's social protocol I've got to do that and I did it I just didn't I didn't come from the same energy source as you your energy source

was actual love my energy source was I don't want to make a cycle can you make me one promise right and I never it's like old people I like my old people

but I don't like other people's old people. Kill them all at 70. Death penalty. Yeah, so you do know how I feel. Compulsory death penalty at 70 is my one stance on the universe. Compulsory death penalty at 70.

I don't want to harm the dogs. It would fucking wound us if I saw someone treating a dog badly across the road, right? It would wound us. All right. Can you do me a favour? Can you make sure that...

First of all, does Natalie like dogs? I think so. Can you do me a favour First of all, does Natalie like dogs? I think so. Can you do me a favour? When you have kids, you have to get dogs because your breed of people are subhuman scum and they can't exist in the world. Like, it's...

No, I'll get a dog. I'll get a dog. No, no, no. You are turning down something that is genuinely pure joy and loves you unconditionally. I would love the dog that I had right I would go

ah you got us you got us despite me claiming to not need this love I do kinda like it it's the sports car that I never wanted

that all of a sudden I've got right I'd love I'd love that dog right I'd submit to loving that dog I wouldn't

fucking wield it at people love my dog the same guys no but it's not your decision man it's like the dogs are being with the it's I think the reason people connect so much with their fucking dogs it's the same reason they connect with their kids

because they think they're people they think they're human other people care do your next question alright sharks are dead sharks are dead I agree

if you oh no what Ricketts is well Ricketts I know you're probably listening to this congratulations on the house but

he's bought a house Ricketts is just texting I'm full of he's not coming to Hawaii he's bought a house Ricketts is just texting I'm full he's not coming to Hawaii he's bought a house oh he's not coming to Hawaii now mm ah drive

Ricketts Matty wants to know who the house is for who's it who's who's who's who's

who's who's who's fucking play Monopoly with Matt he's amazing just bite your

houses left right and centre Matt I do miss you so much yeah sincerely I do what's your next

question little bitch if you woke up tomorrow in a woman's body but you're still you you're still in a woman's body but you're still you you're just in a woman's body I'm just inside of her you're just

nah you're just you're like just a female version of you so I wake up I wake up a woman uh huh you got your mother's boobs what

does she know does she um you're like oh fucking that's weird why because I know myself

as Daniel Sloss the male bloke aye now I'm a woman yeah would you just be openly trans

and go guys there's something I've got to tell you I would just style out being a woman would you be like no no

geese my dick back like in the same way that if I woke up right and my car was stolen out of my driveway someone goes well you just cycle to work fuck you I'm buying a new car

I want my car back like if some people are environment friendly like if you wake up without a car and that's fine for you live that fucking life

you're a better human being than mine I like my where's the operations at these days in 2019 can you get a penis you can get a penis

NHS No I don't think But if this Like this is This is an actual thing That's happening for people It should possibly

Get you out of healthcare If that's what's happening If you go Oh shit I'm a dude Why am I a woman I think Well for example

Personally I couldn't be arsed I'd just be like I'm a bloke I've got a fanny I couldn't be arsed For getting another knife I couldn't be arsed I'd just be like I'm a bloke I've got a fanny I couldn't be arsed for getting another knife I couldn't put myself through the fucking

cosmetic surgery of an aisle I would just be it depends it depends how good the fucking dick surgery but for me it's more about the fact that like

I've got nothing against being a woman or being fucking you know trans I fucking respect your stance on it man I like I like fucking I would fucking respect your stance on it man I like fucking thick I like fucking

piggy like I don't think the sex would be the same if she was the one fucking me like I think it would be a different life and for some people that different life is what they want an absolute fair play to them but I'm still allowed to have a preference you can still pick her

oh fun it'll be the same for her I'm still allowed to have a preference. You can still take her. Oh, fun. It'll be the same for her. Yeah, but it's going to be shite, no. No, no, don't, man. Stuffish. Oh, absolutely. I like having a dick.

I think it's fucking good. But can you get a dick? Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. I'd give it a couple of months. The hypothetical world isn't one where you can just grow your dick back.

It's a surgery. So you could probably get a prosthesis. I don't know how. I honestly haven't researched where the technology is up to

right now. So the last I heard of Heather's surgery, we're going to get so many tweets about this and we're fine with it. Please do let us

know because this is how you get past ignorance. Apologies for ignorance but we're trying to deal with it. No, we're not being evil with it please do let us know because this is how you get past ignorance apologies for our ignorance but we're trying to deal with it no no no we're not being evil with it

no no so we're trying to explore ignorance don't my ignorance ends here I don't know if you can get a piece yeah cool cool I also retract

the apology he did on my behalf I don't I don't apologise for not knowing any of this stuff I will try better but it's I don't owe you knowledge

yeah like if I don't owe you knowledge. Yeah. Like, like if I don't know something, that's fine sometimes. And if you explain things to me, that's cool, but you're not a God in my fucking world. I'm allowed to not know things

and it doesn't make me a bad person for not knowing things. It's a horrible distinction we make in modern society now. People go, you didn't know this, you're a fucking racist. You go,

I just didn't know that thing was racist. Yeah, there's a lot of belittling people for not knowing things. For not knowing now. People go, you didn't know this, you're a fucking racist. You go, I just didn't know that thing was racist. Yeah, there's a lot of belittling people for not knowing things. For not knowing things. People are confusing ignorance for hatred

and it's doing my fucking nothing. You do, yeah, you belittle me when I don't know stuff and I'm like, I think it's this way

and you're like, it's fucking, the hotel's right there. I'm like, what the fuck is down here? Oh, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Fucking spin your dreidel somewhere else, you fucking Jesus Christ. Spin your dreidel somewhere else you fucking Jesus Christ spin your dreidel somewhere else a little little 60s

fucking fisher wife scenes no spin your dreidel I haven't had that since I was in the Victorian in the 60s

since I was a Victorian child so what I know the last I heard about operations from going from male to female is what they can do is because obviously I don't know if you know this bit but basically when we're in the womb we don't get like our decks

or our families until it we're all bored we all start off as female asshole first asshole first and then sometimes we grow a deck and sometimes we don't but if but it comes from the same place so the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings the penis the tip of the penis is 4,000 nerve endings but it's from the same place so the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings the penis the tip of the penis has 4,000 nerve endings but it's the same sort of thing the clitoris and the penis

while in the womb for at least two months are the exact same thing until your body decides which gender it's going to fucking become and it sprouts out so clitoris is a tiny little micro-penises

tiny little micro-penises with twice as many nerve endings and that's the way we're supposed to congratulations on the clitoris shall we just shall we just shall we just call shall we just

call this podcast goodbye America RIP Matthew so what the surgery is apparently amazing because what they

can do is instead they don't just lop off your dick what they do is they can actually invert it so what they can do is they can fold it inside soop off your dick what they do is they can actually invert it so what they can do is they can fold it inside so that you can still

with the nerve endings from the tip of your penis they can put them on the inside so that you while being fart genuinely experience fucking orgasms from it and that was the last I checked on the surgery which was a couple of years ago I don't know what it's like for dicks I don't know if they can get erections

yeah cause if they could take the nerve endings, the 8,000 nerve endings from a clit and turn it into a bellend, right? And then you've got a dick. Then you'd have like a dick 2.0. Dick 2.0? Oh, so... So, yeah, that's why I would transition back into a man then.

Yeah, but not this century. No, no, no. Nah, nah, man. No, no, no. Science has come so far. I just, I just. Imagine,

imagine that was your fucking, the dream you were sold on. You're going to have 8,000 ends instead of 4,000. Now you can't even fucking walk down the street with just your pants. Oh, God.

Oh, fucking, some anesthetic. I'm unhappy, but I know it doesn't look like it. Right. so your word transition I

I like my dick man I like I like wanking like a bloke it's a fucking it's much more efficient than that fucking yeah one fucking woman

air guitar solo that they have to get themselves off I think I'd I'd definitely like be speak openly

about my identity but I think I'd probably just openly about my identity, but I think I'd probably just embrace the body I had. I would be very fucking vocal about it. And you know what? I wouldn't chase a dragon if I had a penis. I would just be like, ah, let's explore this new body and then probably not leave my own bedroom

for a good few years. Then she'd come out dehydrated. That was class. That's everyone up to. Who wants to take a line of coke off your tits you got the tits yourself you were born with a vagina but you got the tits done yourself I got moved over them

self surgery did it myself this is one that I will admittedly say that I got from Twitter but it's excellent. Okay. If you could bring someone back to life just to kick their fucking head in,

who would it be? Your sister? Your sister? She wouldn't look any worse after. Just her in a wheelchair going, you should see the other guy just you waving I come out of the room

like a fucking black eye and I'm lost fuck Savile Savile's I'm going to kick that old bastard in his fucking coffin Thatcher

oh fuck you know no no no I'm a feminist at some point at some point at some point at some point I wouldn't raise me

hands to Thatcher me? nah man of principles a chin Jesus steal my idea there could be only one em idea. There could be only one. Fuck, I'd

probably just do Sam with a fucking good, give him a good licking. So Sam will get a

fucking good old bitch dad. You know what it is, I couldn't do it. Would you

not buy Hitler? He deserves a good showing too. He does, aye. Because I was literally about to

say, I was literally about to say before you said that, I didn't think I'd hit a politician,

right, because, like, we're savvily physically dead things to people with politicians that had ideas

that fucked it up, they got it wrong. Their ideas killed people and their policies are opposed to their direct... And it was part of his thing, like, even the people that don't agree with our policies, they mean well. There's part of us still... Right, here's the thing, here's the thing. A lot of people who are evil don't...

they think they're doing good, that's the confusing thing. There's no way... With that, I think she absolutely turned a fucking blind eye on poor people. I think she she was fucking guilty. She was guilty of hurting people. Jimmy Savile must have known. And the same thing that I'll say about fucking Bill Cosby, and I'll even fucking, I'll even, with the fucking Louis C.K. thing,

I'll fucking say this. One of the reasons why it's wrong is because you know they knew it was wrong. Like, Louis C.K. wasn't fucking jerking off in front of people being like, they love this. He was getting like Louis CK wasn't fucking jerking off in front of people being like they loved this he was getting off to the fact that he fucking hated it and made them uncomfortable that's and I it's not working evil things but there's no way Hitler probably thought he was doing a

good thing he was not he's one of the most evil men they ever lived but there's I refuse to believe Jimmy Savile fucking kids thought he was doing something he knew he must have known and that's do you ever get that feeling like when you're having a cigarette or something

and you're like I know I shouldn't fucking have a cigarette and that's bad for you you can't compete but I'm just saying that's the nearest you can think

to try and fucking get in their mind is when you do something you know you shouldn't be doing right but you can't help yourself with doing it the fucking

the depths that they're at when they're doing that kind of fucking shit but Matt that's something you're getting close to a Louis C a Louis CK joke

at the moment which was the one where he did on Saturday Night Live where he was just being like look I love I love the chocolates butterfingers

but if they were to make them illegal, I probably wouldn't eat butterfingers again. That's how much paedophiles love fucking children. They're willing to break the law for it. The worst law? The worst law? The law that everybody agrees on. The best law?

The best law? It's the best law. The best law in the world is it's illegal to fuck children. It's the worst kind the best law in the world is it's illegal to fuck children it's the worst law to break I meant you know what I meant

it's the worst law to break not according to the soundbites these fans are going to come out well I am not going to cover up Piggy's name Jimmy Savile would be a good one to buy I

I would love to if you're just like rolling your sleeves up but Jimmy Savile and someone a good one to buy I would love to if you're just like rolling your sleeves up ready to bat Jimmy Savile and someone give you Hitler as an option I would say

Genghis Khan but I reckon he'd win at one point at one point he brings someone back from the dead to kick your head like you've got to be

realistic that's why I'm saying Thatcher and Savile I can overpower the pair of them I can't even with Hitler

I don't know how athletic he was he was a painter he wasn't that athletic we did and I think he made we had

an organised man very organised man I fucking it wouldn't be like I wouldn't put pass out that fucking alarm going off at fucking 6 in the morning

in front of Dave's dress ups you know what I mean he's got that type of he's got that type of regime going on no no here's the thing and again

I will here comes another recommendation that I've done before the Behind the Bastards podcast with Robert Evans is one of the

greatest podcasts in existence it is some of the best I think he's one of the greatest podcasts in existence it is one of the best I think he's one of the greatest journalists in the world he's

liberal as shit I don't necessarily agree with him on everything but basically he used to be a he owns guns but he's still

fucking liberal he goes to war torn countries and talks to people he's just so knowledgeable his podcast Behind the Bastards he's done a great one

on Hitler's fucking sex life and Hitler was cocky as shit, man. Why, he was in that people's fucking bed? No, no, but Hitler... No, his bed, he was in that people's fucking...

Hitler was the original fucking incel man. Like, he was obsessed with one girl that was obsessed with one woman and she wouldn't fucking fuck him.

He got so fucking annoyed about it and... What are you looking for more booze shall I check for whiskey will you check for whiskey while I finish no we'll we'll

we'll podcast at the hotel bar alright let's do that right anyway listen to Behind the Bars by Robert Evans it's one of the

greatest things in the world we've got one thing to plug that is the Playhouse gigs at the Fringe oh yeah which you know about already

but we're doing three days at the playhouse from the 15th, 16th, 17th. We're going to come cut about the festival for a bit. We're going to come to Edinburgh Festival. Like, obviously, he lives there, but I'm going to come up for the weekend of his gigs. It's my festival. 15th, 16th, 17th.

Right. And, yeah, we're going to fucking... So, yeah, come to that. Find a barcade. There is one in Edinburgh, but apparently the Neds found it first. Ah. That's a shame. It is a shame. It's definitely a hipster thing isn't it I belong to the hipsters yeah because the thing is much as

I fucking hate hipsters because they're wanks they're not Neds they're also like hipsters are just shit to be around very unthreatening I there doesn't exist a hipster in the world that I couldn't kick the head of I don't think I could find it they're a little bit a little bit woke other than thou I and I also I don't think I could find it. They're a little bit, a little bit woker than thou. Aye. And I also, I don't think I could find on an 11 year old Ned that I could beat up. So it's just.

Right. Did we finish the hypothetical there? Uh, we did. I'd better Jimmy Savile and then fucking turn my head and turn Hitler. Last minute. Hitler or Savile. Change Goody.

That's a horrible thing to say oh man have you read the demonisation of the working class the book called Chav no they talk about how they fucking just absolutely hung like a bunch of shit on her and like used her as the poster girl

for the working class and all that oh they really did and the one thing to say something genuinely positive about Jade Goody obviously she's tired of cervical cancer one thing that the way to say something genuinely positive positive about uh jay goody and obviously uh she died of cervical cancer the the awareness that she raised uh from when she had it i

self-checked oh yeah yeah generally because she was so open about it i genuinely think the the the amount of awareness she raised probably saved the lives of close to like two million women since when she died like regardless of what you felt I believe

that legacies and the impression you leave is what positive you did to the world so despite the fact the stupid

things that she said we're media biased on how we feel about Jane Goody I was raised to hate like not raised to hate we feel about Jane Goodie I was raised to hate like not raised to hate

that was in my fucking adult life I was conditioned to hate her because the society hated her the society

hated her because she was stupid murdered up rag hated her because because the

belittled her ignorance rather than educating her ignorance to go back to the point before she didn't know these things so they made

fucking fun of her and anytime she had a bad opinion, which she occasionally did, it wasn't necessarily her fault, it was the circumstances of her condition. That being said, if you want to talk about

after someone passes away, the footprint they leave in the world, the amount of people she saved by talking about cervical cancer that openly, it means that for me... Yeah, it makes up for maybe a misjudged racist comment in the Big Brother house that got blown out of proportion.

100%. Yes, yeah. And again, I want you to understand that when I was a teenager and watching Big Brother, I bought into the Murdoch lights. I bought into all that shit. I did hate her. I thought she was fucking annoying. As an adult, I can look back and reflect

and understand that was wrong and what she did it's because the working class were even made to hate her because we were told that she's a misrepresentation of us and like we and she's not because you're all that thick

there's a lot of jade goodies in that half of the audience and they're not they are they're fucking annoying aye but they're not bad but they're fucking alright

they're not the they're not the fucking white collar politicians that you fucking that are really wrecking the joint while being savoury I'd love to

I'm trying to think about someone who had shame enough to be baptized in the dead just that's the thing I think my generation

is missing is I don't think we've ever had a celebrity or someone famous that died where you went, good

the annoying thing about our generation is every evil person is still fucking alive the only reason I want global warming to not kick in that fast is I want to live for the next 30 years because I want to see so many fucking cunts die, I want to see Blair

die, I want to see Theresa May die, I want to live to see Boris May die. I want to live to see Boris Johnson die. I want to live to see so many people fucking die. I want to live past them because that's me winning. That's such an important thing to me. And these are all the cunts that are trying to make sure that I don't.

You should let that in their heart, shouldn't you? The way it hurts you when someone you like dies. Like how devastated you are. How devastated you're going to be when Rupert Murdoch dies there should be celebrations in the fucking streets

and that's how it was with Thatcher and it should be and it should be and it should be and that's if you were that toxic

and that fucking poisonous in the world your death should be fucking celebrated as an example of how not to fucking be. I think these amount of people that have been like, don't celebrate the death of bad,

yes, absolutely celebrate the death of cunts. Cunts deserve to die. They don't deserve, but they don't deserve to live. So killing them is wrong because that makes us as bad as them. But when they die, fucking good, fucking great. When Nigel Farage dies, I'm going to wank for a day. Aye.

Right? And I'm going to... It's going to be such a positive day. It's just... Even if something bad happens. What a brilliant day for the world. The second that horrific, toxic man... I don't think he should be killed.

He's allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants. But I don't think he should be killed he's allowed to say whatever the fuck he wants but when he dies he has natural causes when he dies of natural causes fucking get him we'll have a we'll have a warm whiskey

and a plastic glass and a roof in Nashville good fucking riddance to the cunt let's go into dad jokes and then go smoke a joint I was high

when I wrote these possibly not as high now so this is going to be interesting okay your dad said boo to a goose and then lost an eye but in his defence

wouldn't say boo to a goose in general alright can't risk it he's only got one one spit wouldn't say buturgus in general alright not anymore can't risk it he's only got one one spit your dad got thrown

out of a shopping centre for putting bubble bath in the fountain your dad is a fool kit wanker to the swimming your dad shaves his armpits

as an attempt to drop hints to your mum your dad washes himself like a cat Your dad shaves his armpits as an attempt to drop hints to your mom. Your dad washes himself like a cat. He licks himself clean? No, with a hose. That's how he washes his cat.

I would wash... Gotcha. I don't take a fucking sign with his cat. Takes his hair off. Your dad threw a frisbee and forgot to let go, so he took him with it. Your dad broke his wrist trying to pop a balloon. My little next one. Your dad snapped his own wrist arm wrestling against himself.

Your dad started a petition to bring back Match of the Day after he accidentally changed the channel and didn't realise. Thick cunt. Your dad can do clap press-ups, but only if he's standing up facing the wall. Your dad calls polar bears Es-ups, but only if he's standing up facing the wall. Your dad calls polar bears Eskimo pandas. Nice.

Classic. Put on a shirt. Your dad peels potatoes with his beard. Your dad's favourite TV show is the season... Season Sick of Lost. Let's go again.

Your dad's favourite TV show is Season Six of Lost.. Let's go again. Your dad's favourite TV show is season six of Lost. Hasn't seen the first five. Refers to them as prequels. Your dad meets the postman at the door for a chat. Your dad watches the History Channel and mutters Holocaust, Schmolacost under his breath.

He's going to be on science fiction. Your dad begs under the table like a dog when I'm trying to eat dinner with your mum. And I don't know if he wants my spaghetti hoops or his wife back. Or maybe her spaghetti hoops. Your dad throws darts like a javelin. So I fanned on to that. your dad your dad throws darts like a javelin so I found on that your dad used to stand there

with a boner while he changed a nappy your dad sleeps with a straw in his mouth going down to his boxers just in case he has a wet dream your dad used to spin the waltz at the funfair at the end of his shift just in case he has a wet dream.

Your dad used to spin the waltz at the funfair at the end of his shift when everyone would leave and there was no one left. No one was there to spin him, so he just sat there in his stationery cart crying. Now where's my turn? Where is my turn? Always the bravest mate.

I've been spinning people all day and no one is going to spin me. Let's go smoke a joint yep bye America bye America fuck you Matty love you Matty no

no