Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA 8 Minneapolis: Quickies with Coke D**k

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

On the Eve of Piggy arriving the boys discuss what they miss about their gals, Cream talks about what he's learned about newborn babies and Muggins prepares for his dog going through puberty. Christopher Nolan gets a bunch of shit.

Good morning, afternoon, podcast listener, people. I don't... Thanks for listening to the podcast. My name is Daniel Sloss. And on this week's episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road, me and my co-host, Kai Humphreys, we do what we always do. We talk shit.

I was really trying to pay attention to today to be like, what do we actually fucking talk about? Like, what is this podcast like because some other podcasts have like aims or stuff like that or at least like one person will come on and be like we're going to answer these questions today or we've got these mini games already or there's

like other interviews where it's more like an interview based one and then today I just kept like stepping outside of our conversation and be like i just kept like stepping outside of our conversation we just talk shite and uh and this i mean and if that's what you listen to which it clearly fucking is at this point it's it's more it's more of that i enjoyed it i definitely laughed out loads at this one so it was a good one uh in that sense um we had a funny name for it but i can't remember it but I do remember saying it

that's what we'll call it so it's called that and yeah and we're still doing these intros that that apparently make the podcast slicker enjoy Sloss and Humphries on the road

Muggins and Cream Cream and Muggins Straight Thuggin' Livin' the Dream that's our intro Fuckin' Muggles T cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo!

Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical.

Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Hi mate. Hiya. So you've just took a hit of your weed pen. Yes. And I'm just coming down

off the back of the... We've had a good couple of days because we've been in like the Midwest. Is this the Midwest? I think Chicago's the Midwest No because

Surely like Around Michigan Lake That's That's east Is it? I always just assumed That this was the Midwest Hold on let's get a fucking map

What would What would the Midwest be? Would Utah be the Midwest? Get a map up Or maybe that is it Aye Now that I think it's a bit

Wester here That may be more central Like Colorado Is central Oh yeah no this is This is definitely So this is I'd say this is I think it's a bit west of here That may be more central Colorado is central Oh yeah no this is This is definitely So this is I'd say this is

Oh no no Hold on this is fucking big Jesus Christ So we're in the middle East We're in the middle east We're in the middle east Guys

What a way to discover We're in Afghanistan You're saying The two I took a turn for the worst The north east We're in the north east're going to say. The two I took a turn for the worst. The North East. We're in the North East. Aye. We've been making our way from Ohio through to Minnesota

over the past five days. And Neil's been driving. So we've just been enjoying edibles in the back of cars. Aye. That 20 milligram one that I had today, that's just right now. It was a bit much at first. I watched a film called,

have you heard of a film called Surge? No. Basically, I was scrolling through Facebook, just doom scrolling, right? And then somebody went, I've just watched a film where the guy's breaking point for his mental breakdown happened while he was watching Michael McIntyre.

Okay. So it's like falling down, for his mental breakdown happened while he was watching Michael McIntyre. Oh, okay. So it's like falling down and God bless America man like loses his shit. Loses his mind, right. So because I was doom-scrolling I don't think Michael McIntyre

would make me. No, no. It's like I know what you're saying. He's not it's not like he was watching Mrs. Brown's Boys. That would be more fitting.

Peter Kay would more fitting Peter Kay would send me Peter Kay's a fair set off but I think the bit of material that he chose was just

so mundane in everything that this guy had been going through up until that moment it was like one of many

things that topped up but I just watched it based purely on that and I don't know if it was

because I was super high but that film I mean I already do it got so under know if it was because I was super high, but that film got... I mean, I already do. It got so under my skin. Aye. It was so awkward. One of the most awkward films I've ever watched

is this bloke's just fucking slowly going crazy in London. Because, you know, I mean, it's a bit like The Joker in a way, but it wasn't like a DC villain origin story. It was just a dude in London that worked at airport security just doing the same monotonous shit over and over, and it was just like dude in London that worked at airport security just doing the same and not in a shit over and over. And it was just like focusing on all the things

that were grinding his gears. But it was like grinding me when I was watching it. And then when he had his meltdown, I kind of had empathy for him. So, you know, when you just see someone like fucking crazy

at the street, howling at the moon, it was like you saw how that person got there. And there's so many people like that in London. I mean, LA. When you're in LA.

Yeah, I thought it was mad that you went for London. No,'s so many people like that in London. I mean, LA, when you're in LA. Well, yeah, I thought it was mad that you went for London. No, but it's because it was in London. The film was based in London. So I'm like, all right, it shows you the route that one of these guys took. But LA has got so in abundance. So I think after the exposure to that in LA, then watching the film, fuck, man.

I nearly had to turn it off to have a breather. Well, we should definitely. I mean, I said I would never, ever watch it again, but, like, Cara gets in tomorrow, and I don't think Cara would want to watch it because it's not her type of movie, but maybe tonight after the show we should watch Uncut Gems. All right.

Yeah, I'm going to watch it now because the reason I didn't watch it was... We'll take another edible and then make it really horrible. Really bad, yeah. Really horrible. you'll not be able to sleep lean into the discomfort but you'll be glad i showed you it after vegas and i showed it to you before vegas i think you would have been mad at me yeah well i think another thing that's in my um benefit oh yeah because it's gambling isn't it a good benefit of now is like I feel like I'm a long enough time off the cigarettes yeah

because we're pretty much train smoking from train smoking train smoking aye okay and the exhaust on the trains I know I parked up no no

it's just every time we blew out we would always go choo choo it's just something we do we've been doing it for years it's because of the ball of smoke that comes out

yeah I like Thomas the Tank Engine we're both two big fans we do the arms some people it for years it's because of the ball of smoke yeah I like Thomas the Tank Engine we're both two big fans you can do the arms some people grow out of it others don't that doesn't look like it's recording no

no it does not right I'm going to sort that out oh man it's he's obviously talking about the camcorder here there's no way

we're looking at yeah that's definitely that's just opened up you stupid balding man. The only reason I bring that up is because I've not seen Cullen in weeks and I've just not been able to.

Hey, Scarfred, hey. That's not what I meant to press. That's not what I meant to press. He shot himself in the fucking foot. He tried to get Cullen But he got himself Oh man I've got to listen to the whole thing now don't I

His Girlfriend His girlfriend His girlfriend picked his dog His girlfriend Picked his dog His dog Baldi There it is girlfriend picked his dog whose dog Baldy

there it is there it is god pile of shit this podcast is so we'll start recording the video now if you're just

watching it on YouTube then we're gonna clap for Brett so you can line it up and you've missed ten minutes of what we've already spoken about no five minutes

oh it felt like ten Daniel aye and it was gold it was fucking It was fucking Solid Solid gold Speaking of

No no I've got somewhere to go So after we watch Uncut Gems After we watch Uncut Gems Because like Now you can watch that

And like I think you'll enjoy it We were talking about this earlier You also have to now Watch Marley and Me At some point Okay Cara will never Watch point okay cara will never watch that movie she's like i know what it is and like and fair play to her of course she knows what the

movie's about uh she's got no interest in watching it but you could you not like trick her into watching it saying it was something else how long do you think she would get in before she noticed the titles marley and me came up or she saw a dog i'll just have a pause from just after the titles and god all right we're gonna watch beethoven i don't think she'd want to watch how easily do you think i could trick cara into what she that would she's pregnant against a will that wouldn't not against her well we well i mean it certainly wasn't it wasn't a will yeah Well, I mean, it certainly wasn't. It wasn't a will. Yeah.

Yeah, but it wasn't, you know. It wasn't not a will. It wasn't not not not a will. It was not my will either. Neither of us. No, I can't publicly on the record say I'm very excited by the prospect of being a father. That's on record.

I think everyone fell for it. We'll put that. We'll put it on Instagram. Get it on one of these buttons. We should do actually we should so I've never seen Marley and Me

because I've always just avoided the film as like it's just a bit shade dogs who gives a fuck now I'm avoiding watching it

because I'm like I will cry you will I don't know if you know this but Peggy will die just what is her life expectancy actually you read it out it was about 10 years he said I don't know if you know this But Peggy will die Just

What is her life expectancy actually? You read it out It was about 10 years You said Okay I think you said it was about That's a good time That's good

My kid will grow up with it I'm sweating on my hands I know Just at the prospect of Peggy dying I'll get her stuffed I can bring her on tour I'll get her stuffed I can bring her on tour I'll get her taxidermized So

It's Death is Round the corner For all of us Daniel But But what is Yeah because my kid Will grow up with your dog

And then Like when my kid's like Oh your kid's gonna be gutted Yeah Like nine or ten It's almost worth my dog time For your kid to be gutted Aye Well I mean nine or ten. It's almost worth my dog dying for your kid to be gutted. Well, I mean, you'll be...

You'll not be in any position to gloat in my eight-year-old's face about your dead dog. I'd be a fucking mess of piggy right now, and I've hardly known her. I've spent more time away from her now than I've spent with her. Or about even. That's true with me and Cara, actually, as well. I bet.

That was true for the first 18 actually as well I bet That was true The first 18 months Of our relationship It was absolutely True But I went for God what Fucking

What a way easier time In our relationship that was No it's not true That's lie I was just I was just trying to look cool Yeah you failed I was trying to

I was trying to look cool and hard I feel like that's That's a trend That I think is going out of fashion. What, acting hard? No, no. I think it's got a comedy element to it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Acting hard wasn't my example, but yes, I don't think that'll ever go out of fashion. I think it's very funny to put it to be hard, isn't it, Alfonso, and you're clearly not. I like when Cara does it. I like when Colin does it. Colin does it all the time on Ricketts

I do it regularly and I enjoy it because and I hope nobody ever takes it seriously when I'm doing it and then I'm just like seriously though

no no I will hear you I forgot I know where I'm trying to go anyway what is closer on the corner for Peggy is puberty

oh yeah dogs go through puberty and you're better at reading out loud do you have

eyes higher reading level either your eyes or your IQ preparing for adolescence there's no doubt that Peggy

wait why is this specific about Peggy because it's from the app oh wait from the app aha the app does you like

because you put the age of your dog in and then it'll send you, like, little updates of what's coming up and where they should be with the development. This is from Caroline, who's a zigzag dog coach. All right. Prepared for adolescence, there is no doubt that Peggy is growing up

and it won't be long before she leaves her puppy days behind and becomes an adolescent. As with teenage children, this time can bring its challenges, but as long as you're prepared prepared for them you can help peggy through the stage of her development without any problems hormones just as with humans dogs go through puberty and experience hormonal changes and just as oh no and just as with two teenage humans you may notice a range of behavioural changes as a result. Increased anxiety. Here it comes.

Increased anxiety, but fear decrease. Inability to listen, learn, pay attention. Sensitivity to touch. Desire to push boundaries or test rules. Oh, she gets that from her father. Apart from forgetting... What about that, like, it doesn't like being touched and... What's that bit about, like... Sensitivity to touch, doesn't like being stroked.

Imagine if she didn't like a tummy being rubbed, though. Aye. That would suck, because that's one of my favourite bits. Like, I was saying, Natalie may and he'll have to rub each other's tummies if Piggy... Aye. Well, maybe it's not that. Maybe she'll just get... Maybe it's...

Maybe she doesn't like getting her arse sniffed anymore. You love that as well, though. That's it. I get your point. I get your point. A parent forgetting of previously learned behaviours. I like that. It says... You love that as well though That's it Get your point Get your point Apparent forgetting Of previously learned behaviours I like that

It says It says Not forgetting Of previously learned behaviours Apparent They're like Look we've studied this Right

And it does happen To all of the dogs But we think collectively That they're full of shit So it's an act of defiance Aye Well look I'm not gonna

I'm not gonna Fetch a stick Aye Stick yourself dickhead Who do you think I am The dogs are like No no It's like when you're a kid that they're full of shit so it's an act of defiance yeah I'm not gonna I'm not gonna fetch a stick I stick yourself dickhead who do you think I am the dogs are like no no

it's like when you're a kid and you think you're a way better liar than you actually are because your parents just let you get away with the lie and then they laugh

about it behind your back like spraying the deodorant over the weed smell yeah my parents always knew what I was going to do and smoke and whatever

but in your head you're like I'm fucking stealthy that's what I was going to do and smoke and whatever. But in your head, you're like, I'm fucking stealthy. That's what the dogs are doing. Do you think parents absolutely know you're wanking in your room? God, yes. Like, Kai's been having a shit for half an hour and he took his magazines.

Aye. Does he honestly think he's being discreet here? No, they definitely... My dad gave me a computer. Like, he knew what he was doing. Like, it was... That wasn't why he gave me the you grew up with internet porn

didn't you aye aye the internet was a law you think the internet is a flawless place now and it will be like I think you know

the regulations that come in over the next 20 years are probably quite necessary but the internet used to be a lawless place aye

what you said you're saying you look like child porn is that what you're saying that what you said you're saying you look like a child porn is that what you're saying that sounds like what you're saying sorry

you're like winking at us you're thinking of what I'm putting down there's no rules no I meant more of the fact that

what you could put out there like people were able to just like you would go on and you would want to download some 41

fat lip because you're like okay and I've now got like an mp3 and if I type in some 41 fat an mp3 And if I type in Sum 41 Fat lip Mp3

It'll hopefully give me that And then it'll be A beheading video Yeah Or it'll be that Horse fucking a woman to death Somebody doing something Horrible to an animal

Somebody breaking a bone Like an airplane crash Or some shit You know I don't know if I ever saw Any of the fucking Beastie Alley ones I saw the one

The Mr. Hands video Where they're like Trying to like Make a saw any of the fucking bestiality ones. I saw the one, the Mr. Hands video, where they're trying to make a block out of the hand to stop the horse's cock going in, but then loses his grip and the gun's all the way in. Oh, well, that's very sad. Aye. No, I don't think I ever... I've never enjoyed watching anything that involves...

Nah, I've always stopped them videos as soon as I know that they're brutal. Aye. As soon as I realise what I'm watching, I'm like, oh, no, no. There's a type of person out there that enjoys watching like Bones Breaking and like Death and stuff. Like Hostel and stuff. Aye.

Hey, I was talking about, you know... I think it's not on. You know this wave of... I think it's weird. It's so weird. You know this wave of... Like, at the minute, there's just this upsurge of people who love

serial killer stuff like you know I'm fucking signing autographs for some of your fans backstage right that's worth flat zero

I'm not a celebrity right but if I went on a killing spree all of a sudden that adds value to what they've got oh aye right the capitalism

is driving serial killers because yeah but they're not going to profit off no but they're not profiting but they're not in to profit off of their own no but they're not profiting but they're not in it for money they're in it for fame

so that that signature going up in value is a is a significance of the fame not the money coming in but the fame of it

so but man you can't like in today's time to be a serial killer you're not you're not doing that you're not getting away with it

no but you could get famous off it well it's like three or four you're never going to but if you're not you're not doing that you're not getting away with it no but you could get you could get famous off it well it's like three or four you're never gonna but if you're suicidal or anything

you might you might fucking but then are you a serial killer or are you just a cunt that killed some cunts what's the difference well like if it's like

it's going on and like you get that's even worse if you're not a psychopath when you're dead no no but I mean in the sense of like I feel like with the serial killers like like, they knew, you know,

they didn't know Ted Bundy was his name necessarily at the time. I'm not sure if they did, but, like, they knew they were after, like, a monster hunter. Like, there would have to be some sort of public, like, knowledge of this. Because, you know, like, if a streaker runs on the pitch, the camera focuses on the crowd and they show a replay of a goal kick or whatever. I'm not into that. Anything to not show the streaker.

That means there's less streakers. Yeah, because it starts giving them attention. So that said, every time there's a fucking documentary, a podcast, a film reenactment or whatever, like, every time there's that, it incentivises... I don't know. Serial killing. I really feel like

you're is that me like on computer games I'm making I was I was just about to be like you were like you're this middle class

suburban mum just drinking vino grigio when we don't get through puberty being like if my kids watch that what will they do

come on they'll get their ideas themselves but it does seem like capitalism's driving up serial killers though sure because there's so much

more of an incentive today for them no no because I think it's so much harder to come by the notoriety now like again

you'd have to be because there's so many of the quints no man you don't name the last fucking the last high school

shooters name the last fucking ten of them. Go on. See, this is the thing. I'd have been going down that road. This is boring. I couldn't. I could name all the victims.

What were you telling me? That Obama draws... Bush. Bush. Apparently. Allegedly. Draws portraits of fallen soldiers. No, no, but apparently Bush, as part of his therapy,

because I imagine he's in therapy, draws or paints pictures of all the soldiers who lost their lives in the war that he started. Does he draw them when they're alive? ah yeah he doesn't have pictures of their bodies he does not he doesn't have the clearance no no he was just like

I don't know how true that is I call that information from a thing but it's like whenever people go I know this is a very a hearsay thing but it also might be true but it's like whenever people go like it's I know this is a very a hearsay thing not like a but it also might be true but it's also some people just are very very so black and white in their opinions nowadays

whereas you know they'll be like right Obama's a war criminal because of all the you know the drone strikes that he did and you know absolutely they did those things but also I and this is just me understand that the president or being in charge of any country

is an impossible fucking job where you have to make horrific fucking decisions and live with them. And that is the job. Last minute on like, maybe it's even based on misinformation. Even based on valid information. Here's some valid information.

Who do you kill? Is it right to kill? I don't fucking know. These are moral debates. Stop smashing any buttons. But these are moral debates kill I don't fucking know these are moral debates he's not smashing any buttons but these are moral debates I don't know we've argued for years

and years and years and years and years and everyone thinks their answer is right you don't and I'm just saying that like it's so easy to just go

oh man I bet they were all just fucking willy nilly doing this he advised us whispered in his ear sir just press the button and then draw some paint

and they'll forgive you aye aye but I feel sell them to raise money for help for heroes some paint and they'll forgive you aye aye but I feel sell them to raise money for help for heroes they'll be grand they'll come back around

but I feel I feel maybe this is just me being a big fucking softy and a naive fucking person but like I feel like with you know not with Donald

Trump but with every other president I personally think that all of them dead they've had a conscience about it and they've had PTSD themselves

well no no I don't think they're victims of it like I'm no no no no like my George Bush started a fucking unjust war like that is true there was no right but that must have really affected his mental health no no we're not we're not there no no but I'm just not being

black and white about him yeah like look yes he's evil yes should he go down as evil yes but he's a human being and he's doing his best to live with that and i believe as well that like obama does you know or at least i like to believe that he regrets and he thinks about all the yeah horrible decisions he had to make i'm 100 certain donald trump wouldn't be i i so maybe he does maybe that's the way their media paint him. But their one is like the media where it's like, it's the Murdochs and you're like,

I know we both have our own medias, but yours is the, you know. I still haven't seen season three of Succession yet. That's because it's not out. It is? Nope. Yup. Nope.

Yes, it is. It came out last Friday. Friday before. Maybe the first episode did. Ah, you're being facetious. Well, no, but you did say season. Oh, wait, we're doing this. Yeah. Sorry.

Keep at the front of your mind that this behaviour will not be forever. It's just for a short period of time. But it'll feel like forever. The hormonal changes she experiences will settle at around 18 months old and some dogs earlier. Signs to expect. At the same time as Peggy begins puberty, her adult teeth

will start to settle into the jaw. Do her baby teeth fall out? Her baby teeth have started falling out. Is there a baby, is there a dog tooth fairy? What am I going to give up? Put her in the pound? Because it's a pound and another pillow. Yeah, but that was a very crammed in.

Like there's a pun there. And that's all I needed for that joke to get through. And it scanned. Like it got through security. It was broken. It was disjointed. Aye. This alongside with possible

growing pains will be likely to increase Peggy's desire to chew, so be ready to manage her access to objects she does not want destroyed, like dat ass, and stock up on even more chewable toys, like dat ass. Toys and gnawing I like to pronounce the G in gnawing.

Nice. Good. Gnawing I like to pronounce the G in gnawing nice, good gnawing opportunities some obby seem to suffer from growing pains or joint pain seem to just like touch in certain areas and become unhappy about a harness being put or being groomed well I mean never be ok with being groomed kids that's just not

but where can't you touch but what you've got to do is groom them when they're really young and then they don't like respond to it when they're getting groomed by the actual groomer and they don't realise why grooming is bad got it

do I have to read all of this no I don't know sniffing in Europe marking oh she's becoming an adult and she wants to know who else is around

and wants everyone to know she's there too so that she's like she's tagging that's her being a teenager but in like a gang but it's in like a gang that like queefs piss on to walls that's a pretty fucking hardcore gang if you ask me is it or is it just like a weird so they're doing if that's what they're doing if there's a gang of like broads around Ellie look if you're a queef and piss

under the well I can be derogatory no no not in these times of uncertain mental health and you know after a global pandemic

I've just watched Sage aye you can see how people get there Peggy may suddenly appear fearful fearful or worried about objects or people or situations that she

previously seemed fine with uh huh I'm going to have to say goodbye to my puppy bag of rocks straight in the cloud getting you one you know that one I grew up to I just keep them on a conveyor belt

is that what like the cliche thing like the dog's not just for Christmas is that actually I just keep them on a conveyor belt. Is that what, like, you know, the cliche thing, like, the dog's not just for Christmas. Is that actually people, like, getting a dog, enjoying the puppy phase, and then just not dealing with it when... Yeah, and just going, oh, yeah, this is a really lifelong thing.

And man, also, like... That's the coldest shit ever. Aye, but, man, dogs and pets are fucking expensive as shit, man. Because, as well, I'm so... If you're having shits. I'm so connected to this dog now that she could go through this little

shit period and I've just got to love her through it because that's piggy that's my little piggy the second my child raises his voice speaks back to me on a single occasion I will

strike him down verbally but at one point that will not be allowed as well with this fucking snowflake generation you can't even yell at your kid anymore you can't even fucking gaslight your kid anymore you can't even put all your dreams and all your expectations

and all of your fucking failures on this one fresh human life this fucking snowflake generation. You can't even sit down on the fucking naughty step and think about how you're not aligning with my expectations. I cannot tell you how much you have fucking failed. I need you to get A's. Because I didn't. And you have to.

You need to be an academic. Because it's the only way. Only way I'll prove to myself that I was capable. It's not by doing it myself. It's by you doing it You're doing it to prove That I fucking could Live a better life than me

Become an athlete Be a better person Be healthier than I was Run 5k in less than half an hour Every day Every fucking day Do it Do it

Do it at the drop of a hat Somebody mentions it Fuck your pride Fuck whatever you're doing No smoking Don't do drugs Nah Don't drink

I had all of the fun so you didn't have to so you can achieve you scared me you scared me when I saw you drinking that beer my emotions are

your responsibility you made me feel bad fucking wrap your tiny head around that mhm can't do that anymore can't do it you've got to have

some responsibility for my emotions can't do that anymore you've got to talk to them read them bedtime stories teach them aye

let them discover the world on their own terms well no not that within reason why I'm not letting you discover a fucking socket with a fork

nah nah they've got to learn they have got to learn oh we've got to childproof the house which is what if like you childproof the house and which is... What if, like, you childproof the house and it ends up also being cullen-proofed?

Two birds. He just can't get from room to room. He starves to death. He can't cook himself a meal. Locks himself in the cutlery drawer. We've got so many, because, like, it's a really difficult job To walk around your house

And just go what could kill a child Your living room has got The very unique Cliff edge Down into the basement That would normally not be on a ground floor house And do you know those baby sized Holes in the stairs

Between the stairs Between the stairs Because down the bottom it looks pretty cool Yeah that's fucked There is the concrete With sharps and Cast iron Fireplace Which Cara's father has already smashed his face over

And doesn't lie The adults are smacking the heads up stuff The kids don't stand a chance All the floors are gravel or sandpaper. You've got like... Just because... Well, I just like to have grip whenever I walk on the roads. You've glued broken glass to the walls

just to give it a little bit of an accent feature. Well, that's art though, isn't it? So the light hits it and it kind of reflects the back like green and brown and all the colours of the other broken bottles that you hit Clara with yeah yeah well I mean

that is actually what happens like well Colin will come upstairs and he's just got one bit where he pops his head up and me in my drunken stupor

will just like fucking yeet a whiskey bottle at his head if he ducks in time sticks into the wall some of it stays there some of it doesn't

and as time's gone on it's become like a very like modern day art piece of It sticks into the wall. Some of it stays there, some of it doesn't. And as time's gone on, it's become like a very modern day art piece of me and his relationship. And then sometimes I just fucking get him. You just push him up against it. How does it feel second time round, bitch? Are you ever worried that Cullen's just going to, just going to like, I don't know,

eat your baby's face like a fox? That Cullen's just going to, I don't know, eat your baby's face like a fox. Well, if I ever come in during the night and Cullen's inside my child's cot. Pinned down by the baby, blinking for help. No, not touching it. It's not a sexual thing, but just sizing it up just to see if he can. If he's tall enough to swallow it.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that happens, I'll dislocate his jaw for him. Show off the paper doon there. No, we've got to. I am very excited to see how Cullen deals with it all. Aye. Because we've always called him Uncle Snunky as to see how Colin deals with it all. Aye. Because we've always called him Uncle Snunky as well.

We did, aye. He's like, if the shoe fits. Aye. He's... He's tasting with kids, I think. How's he going to pick the baby up? Just like a bowling ball. He's got the strength.

Aye. He's weak. He's a sapling. Aye. Like Robin Aron. You've always got to, there's one point in the, there's one point in the baby process where like, man, you've got to be so careful on how you hold them.

Oh, because of the soft spots. Oh, and because like, man, they're just, man, they've just been suspended in fucking like, like, Goop. Did you just say goop? Aye, goop, goop, whatever, you know. All the, you know, whatever. Fetal goop. Aye. say goop aye goop goop whatever you know fetal goop

aye splidge gunk whatever's on the inside bloods mucus snot boogers

is that snot sure is it just mucus yeah why not just sneezes the baby

yeah and it's easy and it feels as good as sneezing ask any of them hanky check alright what was I saying Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's easy. And it feels as good as sneezing. Ask them. Ask any of them. Hanky, check. Aye. What was I saying?

You were saying that you've got to be careful how you hold the baby because once they come out the feet will goop. Why? Because, man, they're just, you know,

they're used to being in like, you know, suspended. They're not used to their bones having like gravity all the way through and like they'll just have muscles so they just bake and blend. They're just like,

oh shit. You turn their heads, you break their neck I haven't used muscles yet you drop them an inch but after like three or four weeks I mean it's definitely more than that there comes a point when it's like okay they're holding their head up now they're getting better at it you still got to be careful and then there's one point when you can you can throw them down the stairs and then they just start very durable do

they just one day just start going, right, I've got this, my head's alright, woo, yeah. And then they're like, and they balance it, and they're like, oh, sweet. Right, and Ben, that's the best time.

Have you ever seen those videos of like, you know how a chicken always keeps its head still no matter how you move the body? Oh, yeah, I like it. And that's how they design all those cameras, the movie cameras, to stay. That's what, you can do that with babies early on.

With babies? Can I? No. day that's what you can do that with the babies early on no they can't like a gimlet or something um i don't know what they're called as as pieces of equipment uh but no no they can't why whenever i've seen you just you moving a baby around just focusing on a tit that's a big sigh are you okay? what else do we have to talk about? well we've just been doing

road trip part of the journey where we've been like driving through different places different parts like around Lake Michigan yeah Lake Chicago

where we were last night Madison Madison aye we're now in Minnesota oh we had Geoffrey Asmus

open up oh he's so fucking funny man he's very funny aye he's got he's got a special on Spotify

that you can get listen to for free called Prodigal Little Bitch aye and make sure when you listen to that make sure you do the right thing and that you do not listen to for free called prodigal little bitch aye and make sure you do when you listen to that make sure you do the right thing

and that you do not accidentally put it on fucking shuffle because your spotify is normally on shuffle yeah but if you listen to a comedy album out of order

it doesn't like fully change it but it like certainly fucks up totally fucks it you know the flow so aye

he's fucking class definitely listen to that and I think that's the best title Of any Of any special Ever Oh really not No

Jigsaw What was Jigsaw originally called? That wasn't So So Question mark Exclamation mark Because that was like

Because that's what you were doing at the time When it like So now If what But It's all me stuff It's super trendy no I was just

doing things I say because I always used to say like ampersand now and I would say so and I was like

well I'll just do that then catchphrase comic you know me yeah because I'd heard I'd heard of that special before I'd heard of him because I'd spotted the title

and I loved it. Probably go a little bit. Yeah, funny man, crack backstage. Aye, and he fucking smashed the gig. Totally smashed the gig. I couldn't believe that he'd said that's the biggest gig he'd played because he suits that kind of gig so fucking much. We're very big and important.

Aye. We make dreams come true Mmhmm It's true We're gonna make your dreams come true Well that's a bit Now what do you want Nope

What do you need Nope If we're gonna make it We're not I'm not making I'm not making the fucking The The free

The Regular listeners Get any fucking Promises of free shit These fucking free kinds Gotta get them out of Patreon first I'll suck your dick on Patreon I'll suck your dick

Easy Long time, short time, however long you want Fine Just for the minimum three quid For the minimum three quid you can queue up, run the block and Daniel will suck your dick Even if you haven't got one you can just mime You can just mime You can just mime Next to your vag

Some people actually prefer that Uh huh If you want to mime Deep throat Next to your vag You'll do it For three quid a month That's one of my

Favourite Jeffrey Asmus lines It's not his best joke But it was just A favourite line in it Which is He's like I figure I must be Pretty good at eating pussy

Because every time I eat a woman's pussy They always say that's enough that was a bit of a throw away tag he had a bit of a line as well about if you're complaining that you can't breathe when you've got a mask on that's a pretty surefire way of telling everybody

no one's ever sat on your face he's so good listen to his fucking special and then tell him that you discovered him through us and then he will owe us

for the rest of his fucking life and what happens then even if we take our foot off the accelerator and we decide to

slow down for a bit it means these seats that we've planted of comedians that are going to be successful in the future in their heads they'll remember us

there's no altruism here there's no they'll be like I wouldn't have been there today if it wasn't for Daniel Sawyer and then my legacy

is pushed up because now somebody more successful is naming me is one of the reasons this is this is what's going on under the surface

of any act I do I'm calculating I've never I've never done anything nice for anyone you know he's going to end up on the couch of some late night TV show in America you think I'm nice I'm calculating. I've never done anything nice for anyone. You know, he's going to end up on the couch of some late night TV show in America. You think I'm nice?

I'm playing 4D chess constantly. Constantly the back of my head. How can I manipulate every person? You're waiting for me to fucking bear some fruit at some point. Fucking hell, man. At one point it's in some costume. Well, no, recently you started doing the podcast

yeah yeah you know you've i mean i knew i knew i'm fucking trying to start a lawnmower with no petrol

in it do you miss your wife i a lot i i was a it was a birthday this week oh i and i just 41 again Do you miss your wife? Aye, a lot. Aye. It was a birthday this week.

Oh, aye. 41 again. I've never been kissed. Virgin. Calvin, be white for virgin. I know, it's such a weird. Even also after being married for several years there's no need to like any religious

like even religious people are looking at you like you fucking dweeb like devout Christians are looking at you like oh my god what the fuck he's choosing he's been married for three years and he's not bucking his wife Jesus

what a fucking loser Anyway I'm going to have to dress The same as my friends and sing a song And cry about God But that guy is a loser That is the biggest loser Yeah nah nah I'll give all my money to this wizard in the sky

We'll wear the same clothes I'll cry at songs What a fucking dweeb doesn't fuck his wife three years in mad that we do all that stuff like hold hands

in the park and what not get a dog well because that's the one bit that is she got Peggy too soon

which is had she not got Peggy she would have been on the same flight out tomorrow as Cara she said that we kind of resent Peggy she would have been on the same flight out tomorrow as Cara she said that we kind of resent Peggy

for that because it's a friends hen party throughout this week as well so she couldn't have done this specific week no I wasn't going to

take it out on the fucking dog I was going to take it out on your wife's shit planning nah bro we would have a different you're a fucking

gung ho to get enough you're easily to like flip on one of your things on a dime your ability to just what do you mean my scruples? my morals? my code?

had you had even just a week longer of just fully flipping and just turning your back on yourself then maybe maybe just by a couple of weeks, Nally would get to come out tomorrow. But then I'd have a different dog, Daniel. Things would have went differently.

Oh, you would have then? And Daniel, it's meant to be. It's meant to be, I believe, in fate now. My favourite thing about you showing me this thing about your dog getting pubes. Yeah. Also, I knew that. And I think most people knew that.

No, no, no. I knew about it too. I knew about the periods. I knew about the disobedience. That's the first time I've read about it in length. Aye. But there was a part at the start when you got Peggy, when you were like, she's good as gold.

We've just got the best dog in the world. I'm like, that'll last. That's good as gold we've just got the best dog in the world I'm like that'll last that's on record aye aye she's just the goodest girl she's so good I'm like yeah she doesn't want for anything

I was like alright here we fucking go aye just wait until the teenage that was you that was you aye that was me genuinely just wait until the teenage

if I can break your heart we'll start dating boys just wait until the study or going to break your heart. They'll start dating boys. Or girls, or girls, which I'm fine with. I don't know about you. I won't say anything wrong with it. As long as they don't wave their hands at me. That's what you were like. What do you miss most about your wife?

I'm not ashamed to say the cuddles, the human touch, the human contact Daniel my love language is contact aye and all I've had is climbing into bed with you in Vegas

that put us into negative equity I get that yep I miss I miss having actual conversations with her

because a lot of the time it's just like texts when she's doing something or I'm doing something and we'll we'll have it fractious she leaves voice memos

which is good and I leave podcasts for her and you guys which is good aye so we get we do get to hear

each other's voice a lot but you know just having a bit of crack with her aye that's fair enough she's good banter so aye do I have to say it the shagging no no But, you know, just having a bit of crack with her. Oh, that's fair enough. She's good banter. So, aye.

Do I have to say it's shagging? No, no. No, no, I wouldn't have assumed that. Looking at either of you. That wouldn't be what I missed. I missed just climbing into bed, like, whatever, half past ten, just having a quick three minutes of missionary, crack my joke, straight back to sleep there is something to be said

I miss that hair spoon and this to sleep afterwards I always not to apologise I just miss that sort of stuff I get that you've got to be romantic all of the time you know it's part of a long and healthy relationship is you know you've got to put the effort in for each other and make sure you give of the time you know it's part of a long and healthy relationship is you know you've got to put

the effort in for each other and make sure that you give it the time of day and that it doesn't become all old and bored and still

and there is something to be said for just a can we just just use a fucking quickie would you come on be reasonable

I can't be honest come on let's just come on because like I've gone for a wank do you want in Be reasonable I can't be honest Come on Let's just Come on Because like I've gone for a wank Do you want in? Do you

Do you want to be On the other end Of my wank I'll be on the other end Of yours Like Can I look at your tits It's a porn

Can we answer Answer your tits are so torn I'll answer answer I could be halfway up the stairs I could be there I could be I'd have you built and done

by now you're hiding us back here it's fucking my time you're wasting come on alright you're lost

do you want to watch this I'll shut the door she shall we leave it at half open? In case you change your mind. I'm not locked in. Where are you going? What do you mean where's the car keys? Fine, I'll lock the door. Not the house door! What are you looking for those keys for? We're going to have a bubble. Do you want me to last longer

is that what you're after you didn't want to be quickies with coke dick defeats the fucking point cookies with coke dick

there's the name of the episode quickies with coke dick quickies with coke dick not fetal goop no fetal goop no fetal goop sounds like

something Gwyneth Paltrow rubs in her nipple to ensure that her baby stays vegan or

whatever it also sounds like if Pro Evolution suck I had Beetlejuice on one of the teams

alright it was a bit left field but I enjoyed it You're like him an easy audience You must be looking You must be looking Kind of weird I guess I want to laugh at my fucking quips One of the reasons I get what I'm like

I can go real long length at times, I'm a social camel you can talk to me this will be good, we could not talk to each other for the next day I'd be grand, I do enjoy our conversations but should there be any reason we just didn't talk to each other

I wouldn't give a fucking shit about that Cara is more like a... She's a catalyst. She's going to have chat? Aye. Aye. And I'll join in. And I'll be like,

where the fuck have we been for three weeks? Aye. And I'll be like, you've got nearly the moment. You guys talk. You guys laugh together. And I nod and I'll listen to the conversation. I have a great time with you.

You do? I enjoy listening to the pain of your talk. It's very nice. Isn't that our own? Aye. Have a wee blether, but I'm just not for it. Both love eggs in the morning.

We're on a little breakfast tour, me and Neil. Aye. We could have a little talking food blog. We'll find out, we'll do a little bit of research of where there's good brickies. Aye.

We need to do a bit more because we need to do pancakes because I've been cock-teasing myself with ice cream all week. I keep catching you looking into the fridge and then not buying. You're just there. You done it at the hotel

when we came in last night. You like sobbed and you glanced at the fridge and saw the ice cream and you went, nah. And then you carried on walking and then this morning I'd been to the fridge saw the ice cream and you went nah and then you carried on walking and then this morning i'd been to the toilet and the service station i come out

and you were just like arms folded looking at the fridge and i looked at the fridge and it was all like cookie dough and that's my version of the strippers mate uh you've been proper fucking cockatiel nissell with dairy oh i just because i like well because we've been on edibles the entire time and i'm just like man i've already like i'm very aware that like a lot of the times i've i've substituted fucking powerade for water right i should have been eating some of the apples but what i've actually done is i've gotten some fucking crisps and i'm always like man you're already in deficit right you're already in the worst shape the bit and i'm fine with it like it's like what we've got plans it's it's the end of a pandemic um i'm happy with my husky weight.

I can't keep going. You can't expand on it. No, no, no. You can't do the gallon of ice cream a day levels. I can, but I can't when my pregnant fiancé arrives. If I'm going to be doing this, if I'm going to be eating fucking shit, it should be with somebody who's also going to be like,

right, let's eat shit together. She's got such a sweet tooth. Such a sweet tooth we're going to have to such a sweet puss I put a baby up I keep hold of it

and destroyed at the same time it's weird I need to keep this puss forever the only way to keep it forever

is by ruining it it's a really weird it's like Sophie's choice but that's not what Sophie's choice is it's like the only bit I remember about Tenet it's Sophie's Choice but that's not what

Sophie's Choice is it's like Tenet what? and Tenet he wants to destroy the world or whatever it is because if he can't have it

no one can it's the only thing I remember about that immensely shite movie oh Tenant Christopher Nolan's Tenant aye

aye it was garbage probably not garbage he's almost done for me he's had... Is it like... You're saying a vag is like Tennant because you put the sperm in

and then it's going to come back out. No, I mean it's back to front. David... David Tennant. David Tennant. David Tennant is done with me. What's his fucking name? Christopher Nolan.

Thank you. Christopher Nolan. Right. Is he on two strikes, is he? He's on more than two strikes is he on the decline he did the prestige which was great

hold on let's get the order up the actual order of the movies and we can be like alright so that was good that was good

and then he starts just getting fucking stinky and I'll forgive him occasionally but is his budget going up I and also is his budget going like? I, and also, like...

Oh, is his budget going, like... He's doing... Right, you know how I keep saying, like, the reason comedians become shite is because they become so popular that they never get a neutral audience? Right, I think what happens with directors is you get so popular and you do...

Especially if you're like Christopher Nolan, where you just keep doing outlandish shit. You just believe you're on hype and stuff, right? No, no, no, but people... Right, imagine when he was going around with fucking prestige or memento

right where the whole thing's backwards and they were like Chris this sounds fucking mental he's like fuck you

believe in me and then he got turned down several times and then he got it made and then it was a huge success so the next time he goes with the prestige or fucking inception

and they're like Chris this is mental he's like fuck you I was one of the and he eventually gets all the way through you reach too far and he just and at this point he's like fuck you I was the one that did it and he eventually gets all the way through you reach too far and he just

and at this point he's like I'm just going to keep getting more and more fucking mental and the studios this time are actually right they're like man this is

garbagio like this is just not so read out the order of them because I think you got it about right Interstellar was in there after aye well yes but I like Interstellar

I liked Interstellar I liked Interstellar you didn't count that as one of your strikes did you no no I did not right so we go for Memento

good fine great right Insomnia I didn't enjoy it too much I haven't seen either of those you know Memento's very good it's hard to come by

aye then Batman Begins superb the first I loved that that's probably my introduction to him then. Then The Prestige,

one of the greatest movies of all time. Yeah, I love that. The Dark Knight, another one of the greatest movies of all time. Then he goes Inception, class. Then he goes Dark Knight Rises, oh my God.

I think that was a step down from The Dark Knight. Yeah, it was. Yeah, sort of why. But it was still like ballpark. Aye, still in there. And then Interstellar, right? So that is... I on board i know some people i know some people will be like oh darn it right let's go fuck yourself so that is you've got hands in my back one i will not include insomnia if we're not even then if we're not including insomnia it's two four six in a

fucking row and with insomnia it's like nine crushing Crushing it. Crushing it in a row. Then, Dunkirk. Ooh. I watched it, and I'll never watch it again. Yeah. I'll never watch it again. You're right.

I've got no desire. I've seen it once, it was fine, I will never watch it again. Great cast. Tommy Shelby was in it. And then, oh,

this is his second strike, why do I think he's done more than this then? Because, yeah, she's an antenna oh so it's only Dunkirk the antenna that's Dunkirk the antenna why do I feel like

he did more shit than that did you watch someone else's film thinking it was his or maybe he was a writer on something like that I thought it was fucking pish I think you might have

watched oh no he was also involved with Man of Steel so he can go fuck himself oh really but just as the writer aye but that's not

oh yeah and he was a producer on Zack Snyder's Justice League so he has done yeah and Batman V Superman alright yeah

oh and Transcendence I knew we'd fucking been involved with shite Christopher what's his next project? Did it say on there? No, no, it did not.

But if I were to guess... It's getting dark. This video's going to be pitch black. Aye, and it started off shite as well. I reckon Christopher Nolan's next project is going to involve an ageening Michael Caine playing

some sort of reluctantly tired but then also reluctantly brought back into

the game but the game is like some sort of science I feel like he's going to go tarot cards

next I feel like he's going to go tarot cards next I feel like he's I think he's going to go really supernatural with it oh no because he does I guess he he pretends that he stays

within the realms of physics because he's like that's smart I'm just going to double check this shit and then again in prestige he did actually go

all the way straight up fucking cloning aye and then in inception like what the fuck's in them briefcases That's some magic

Aye So aye I just He's just got too He's got too big for his boots That's what I think Have it out with him Shall we get him on the line

Do we have him Aye I'll just dial him in Chris Tell me where you're calling from It's just him in tears I'm one of your dads on the period

oh god we're going to LA next LA tomorrow we've been back and forth LA but this is for the actual gig

no no it's not no we're not going to do the gig then then go to San Andreas and then no no

so tomorrow tomorrow's a night off San Andreas and then San Diego and then go to San Andres and then no no so tomorrow tomorrow's a night off San Andres and then San Diego and then back to LA and that's when we're doing the gig

and then we'll go to San Francisco where is that aye aye yes and then Portland I think

and then like Phoenix and then Denver and then some other places and then the south and yeah I mean to everyone that's come out to

any of the shows so far uh thank you very much i mean there's genuinely there's not been a bad show nah there's been class like they've all been really really good like uh i have been doing a very long period of time on stage well you've gone over yeah yeah like I shouldn't be fucking doing 90 like you know I've started like getting shit done while you're on stage now

like I'll get back to the hotel I'll get back to the gym like I'll fucking just got so much to say and I'm such an interesting person and

you've made sure you don't get on court anymore because everybody needs a piss yeah yeah yeah Thank you And the reason I did that was to make sure That nobody knew how little I got encored

I was like I've got to make sure That they're never going to want it I've got to be encore proof I've got to get home to the babysitter You can't fire me I quit And you've been doing like You have been doing a sort of encore like a VIP book Q&A

at some gigs and there's some left, I think we're doing one in you can sit cross-legged with your turtleneck sweater on and start talking about your inspirations and stuff so what made you want to write the book? the deadline that they gave me interesting what was the tone So what made you want to write the book? The deadline that they gave me. Aha, interesting.

And what was the tone? God, I've not... I once watched a Twitch clip of Lemmy listening to Radio 4 doing a review of his book, like a book club of a bunch of old people. And I've got so much respect for him for being able to do that and just listen to people

very honestly but obviously like misunderstanding it because it's not for them it's not the fucking target audience but then just them break it down in this pretentious way fair play to him for being able to separate himself far enough from the art to I don't think I can do it even if I fully disagree with people

could you go to a book club about your own book? No. Because I know of one that's about to happen. Oh, what? Do you not want to be on it? No, no, no. That would make, that would, that sense,

the thought of that sense shivers down my spine. Does it? Yeah. Oh, gross. Put me on stage. I would hate it if, like, there was a group of people workshopping about my comedy, about my set. And then I was like, oh, yeah, I'll come in about my comedy about my set and then i was like oh yeah i'll come in and just chat about my set and man put me on stage in front of 3 000 people

i'll not give a shit do not i don't want to see fucking six people just dissect you know like actually dissect but gross gross no so funny not for. And somebody brought one of your books in for you? Well, no. That's... They didn't. Well, they brought in... The cover made it look like mine. And it was one of those wee stash books.

Oh, so they hadn't hollowed out one of your books? No. They put the sleeve on that. That's perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they didn't actually des desecrate my book which is fine because it is actually uh i've managed to make it a crime in some of the states that we've gone through like i've got it just a few it's very easy to get things pushed through as a religion in

america this is the birthplace of scientology so i've managed to get through my book as a holy book so if he had actually hauled out straight to jail for trial. And like a really old religious jail as well. Like the Tower of London type jail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the only way he would be allowed to escape was if he had grown his hair long enough that he was able to sort of abseil down it. Not that she doesn't Rapunzel.

And Rapunzel should abseil down Daniel. And then she was like, fuck's sake, you know what I'm doing here? But how am I going to... Why would she want to get back up how am I going to get that down I could cut it

no it's like abseil it's going to be tied onto something pretty tight to take your body weight you're not going to climb down abseil and then pull it

and it'll come down otherwise you would just fell you can tie it in a way I'm sure you could tie it in a way man you tie a hammock together and it makes

a fucking thing like trust me but tugging one end, it doesn't pull it down. Aye, but you know that rope climbing is only like one rope and that's all the way through and they managed to do all the things.

And there's carabiners. Clip the carabiners on. Aye, but they did it before. You were saying Rapunzel used carabiners, weren't you? No, certainly not Rapunzel. I'm telling you, the fucking bitch from Tangled could do it. Oh, the spin-off.

Aye, aye. And Tangled is up there. It's one of the... I think Tangled could do it. Oh, the spin-off. Aye. Aye. And Tangled is up there. It's one of the... I think it's very underrated. I like that one where the... Brave. The Ten of the Bears. Aye. So that was a good one. Aye. I like that one. Cara hates it so she won't watch it with me.

You fucking love Moana. I do love Moana. Openly love Moana. It's so good. Anything with the rock in it it's just good and I know that's just me like at the very raw end of

like fucking capitalism just sucking on the biggest most obvious dick like I'm like I'm fully plugging into this

would you like to see him have a political career no would you buy into that side of capitalism? No. That the wrestling guy who made a few hip movies? No. Well, he did come out recently and say that he would not ever,

because somebody was like, look, everyone keeps saying that, because all the polls come out, and if he ran for president, 52% of Americans say they'd vote for him. And he was like man no I'm not like I appreciate that like Will Smith was in that pocket once

where everybody kind of wanted him to aye and then his kids became fucking weird and we were like oh you can't raise your kids

well I mean it's not the fact that he can't raise his kids properly it's the fact that they're all born into a world where it's hard

to raise them properly and then also the media selected some stories for me to consume and now I think I know about Will Smith and his private life

and his abilities as a parent. Like it's all, you know. See, look how self-aware I am. Isn't that good? Look,

I'm growing. Huh? You call it hypocritical when I do it. When I grow as a person. You've turned on your scruples. I don't think I've ever said scruples it's always you that puts that

I do keep putting scruples in my mouth it kind of devalues all meaning I give it a silly word your father my dad has a bullet for my valentine tattoo on his lower back

and there's some cling film on it which means it's fresh. He makes his rub the E45 cream in his hands. Smells like

nappy rash cream. The panther and that's the other way. Where is it on his body? On his lower

back. So that's why he gets me to date. I was worried in case he was getting me to do it and he

could reach. Your dad rings his dream catcher out into a bottle, so if it's a good one, he can drink it before bed. And if it's a wet dream, he can drink it before the dentist. Your dad... You going to set the fire alarms off? No. You'll have set the fire alarms off, No. You'll have set the fire alarms off

or in your room, Sark 10 cunt. There is your credit card at the desk. That is true. Also, there's proof that it was me. Your dad doesn't believe in stopping at air quotes. Why not air question marks? Air brackets. Your dad spent

his whole time in Vegas on chat roulette your dad can put a Malteser in his mouth and have it

come out his bum his poo but he can also put a Malteser up his bum and have it

come out as a Malteser but he's never made it past the second stage of Britain's Got Talent because it takes about six hours

to pass through. He's stood there in front of the judges he's already off after 45 seconds. Well the only way you can't do it is by to get the first Malteser out you've just got to put more and more Maltesers up. Until they eventually back up. Somebody once explained to me that's how electricity

moves so fast that's the way you've got to picture it. The Malteser up the bomb until it comes out your mouth? No but if you imagine a tube filled with marbles and you put one in in this end this one doesn't get to the end of this tube instantly this one has just pushed all the marbles that were in there but in you put one in here and a mile away one's instantly come out so that's ah because it's pushing through like water somebody oh and i don't know if that's accurate but that's just how somebody explained electricity to me one time. And I was like, I can visualise.

And if you pour water in there, it pushes through. No, it makes more sense. It's more of a visual of like a single unit thing. Single unit. When your dad sits down for dinner, he lifts up his plate towards you and says cheers, hoping that you clink it back. Your dad's Dungeons and Dragons character is your mum with bigger tits when the clocks went back your dad stayed completely still for an hour

because he didn't want to gain an advantage on his fellow man your dad sucks. Is that it? You wrote that? I meant it. I didn't care. I don't know if you still listen to these. I hope you know I love you dearly. Wow. When we're doing the weekly shop, your dad gets in the seat of the supermarket trolley. Sometimes he can't get back out,

so we have to put him and the trolley onto the 20p right at the exit. Okay. Because he can't get out of the trolley. Otherwise he fucking cries the place due. That's just fucking kicking off. Does sound like him. Aye.

He does do that. He's in the trolley just screaming, flailing his arms. Aye. And then we'll put him on the tractor raid. Calmed right down. 20 pence in. He's moving back and forth, just oohing. Aye.

I'm like, fuck it, hell, we're going to run into 20 soon. I'm going to the cash point. isn't moving back and forth just oooing aye aye they're like fucking hell we're gonna run out of 20 soon I'm gonna get the cash point we're on like 300 quid sometimes man at one point those are gonna be can't they get changed put in their change machine

man at one point those are gonna become fucking cash like wireless contactless contactless bumpy tractor rides

aye well man they're gonna they're not gonna stop putting those man homeless people already have cards Reading machines

Where you can put money in it To like Venmo them Which I know some people Turn their nose up to that And you're like Well no man It's probably really reasonable That somebody's got a fucking bank account

Get some cash back And can't afford a fucking house Like that's Get yourself some cash back Aye Like don't get me wrong The downside to it Is I can never pretend

I don't have money anymore Aye It's actually just You're like oh man You're patting your pockets Going aye I'm using bitcoin The day of May Aye Like don't get me wrong The downside to it Is I can never pretend I don't have money anymore Aye As long as you just You're like oh man You're patting your pockets Going aye I'm using Bitcoin the day of Sorry man

It doesn't look like We're in a place With good signal Aye If you'd found me At the top of the hill Yeah I'm wheeling in Like flour and fish

And that Aye sorry Bags of grass and that I've actually All my money's tied up In land Aye I've got gold Zal I'm using

No I can't give you Some of that I wish I hadn't said gold Aye Yeah no no It's just You in land Aye I've got gold Zal I'm using No I can't give you some I wish I hadn't said gold Aye Yeah no no It's just You can't have any of me gold No

That's preposterous So anyway There we go Did a little podcast for them We did Aye Do you want to do the New exit song

For the podcast That you wrote That you're going to Perform solo You're trying to get me to Do you think we do the new exit song for the podcast? That you wrote, that you're going to perform solo? You're trying to get me to... Do you think we're in an improv trip and you can just... I just want you to improvise a song. That's a good start. No.

I'm not musically talented, nor lyrically inclined. Okay. I'm also just a big lazy cunt you're next to the stop button that's the only reason this is still going you're gonna make me do the fucking intro now aye go to stop first