Sloss and Humphries On The Road - USA12 Houston: We Have a Podcast

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

Wrapping up the USA tour Cream is noticeably more smashed than Muggins, days before he gives up booze and weed in preparation for his imminent arrival. A betrayal of trust from a journalist sees him launch into a drunken tirade on the uk TV industry 

Good Monday patrons How you doing? What are you doing that for? Did you think we were going to start the next podcast? Oh is this essential? This is the intro Oh sorry buddy I apologise It's my fault you go ahead

So it's Monday you've got a new podcast Daniel's a bit more drunk than I am We've both been drinking whiskey but he just He drinks a lot on stage So we've just done a podcast there It's the last one of the USA tour we got a bit sentimental towards the end there when Ellie started crying

when we thanked everybody for supporting her on the tour Daniel was just like oh thanks for coming it's the best time of your life so just skip that bit if you want to laugh but for the most part it was just him slurring his words and then slagging off the entire comedy industry

and then after slagging off the entire comedy industry it was like oh let's do a patreon where we slag off the entire comedy industry i'm not saying i was like we've already done it he's like near near i mean like proper slagging them off he doesn't mean his colleagues he doesn't mean other comics he means he means the like no i do but but he's just in the patreon episode you'll work out who i consider my peers. I think you already said names on this one. Honestly, wait, I don't know how, I don't know how Thursday's going to be more inflammatory than this one. Also, if you work for the Times,

just objectively from the article you just wrote, please kill yourself in front of your children, you fucking traitor. Right, but we'll talk about that on Thursday. Hey, enjoy this podcast. We're going to record another one immediately after. That's out on Thursday. Only if you pay three quid. going to record another one immediately after. That's out on Thursday. Only if you pay three quid. It's not a great deal.

Let's be honest. If you work for the Times, kill yourself in front of your kids, you fucking cunt. And you have to subscribe to that, read it as well. So fucking hell, this is going to cost you a fortune.

Enjoy the podcast, cunts. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thugging, living the dream. That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. Hello, what day is this? It's actually a Saturday. Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello What day is this? It's actually a Saturday No, but what day does this go out? Monday Hello Monday podcast listeners Thank you so much for tuning in to the podcast Welcome to the very special episode of the podcast Where the American tour is done

We are finished We're going to see how we really feel now once we're gone. No, we've just come off stage in Houston. We've done our second last show. We've got one more in New Orleans. And what I will say about this, and I know some people won't be satisfied with this answer because it's not as controversial as is that i've i feel

i went deaf during that i can't hear myself speak anymore that's all right you're good no no no no i believe you i believe you um nice thank you thank you i feel like are you drunk yeah yeah i drank a fair bit before yeah it's because i've been with you For the last like hour but we've Since the gig finished it's been about an hour But we've had like company backstage And we've been entertaining and we've just been like Hanging out

But now that we're back here You've sobered me up No no I am Because I drank a fair bit of I don't think that helped for anyone... I don't think that helped. For anyone watching, I don't think that did help. I can hear that it helped. Is this how we're starting the podcast?

Yes. No, we can go through... No, man, they get what it is. Man, we had a live argument on one of the most recent... But, like, they get it. Oh, no, I deleted that. Oh, so we did. I deleted it. We're recording we did. I deleted it.

We recorded a bit longer. But we did have an argument. I'm just going to level with you guys. We deleted that argument because it was boring. It went round in circles. It was not entertainment. No. Imagine, right, you know how much we've let slide and let through and we haven't deleted.

And you've went, kind of believe i've walked away i said no i listened to that it was worse than that 100 you're not in the head but at the mic 100 i couldn't phrase it better myself because it's the one thing i found about this tour is you and I always proudly exclaim, and I do feel I proudly exclaim this, is I say to people, they're like, what's it like going on tour with Kai for three months, six months, nine months?

And I go... Constant exposure. It's the easiest thing in the world. It's the easiest thing in the world because we are very aware of each other. Boundaries. Boundaries. And if we push them

it's playfully yeah yeah yeah but also but also neither don't get me wrong if we playfully push them like I get in

and ask the taxi driver how his day is going because I know it's going to wind you up in the end no that's not okay don't man you know what

don't ever speak to people that I pay money to That annoys me They are not paid to speak to me Last time I did that I wanted to talk to him It was in Where was it It was actually in San Antonio

Me, you and Cara Went for a bite to eat Neil went to do the set up for the gig And when we got the taxi back I decided I wanted to chat to the taxi driver you know why i'm doing my own before i even pretend you know why it wasn't well i well i no no it was lift he had litter in his car he was he's caught he looked like he'd slept in it but he was a really good dude he was a good dude he was a really good sorry he's moving Chris Packets off the seat

for you to sit and do it and all that. He was a really nice bloke. And he was apologetic about it. And I was like, this dude's trying to make ends meet while barely holding his life together. And he's trying to just give people lifts for money to try and fucking pay.

And if that resonates with you, congratulations, you are 75% of the USA right now but Danny I knew you and Carol were in the back

right we're coming back from a barbecue that's where we've been lovely barbecue fucking Texas barbecues man I know I've talked

about this before but let us salivate into the mic and we're going back from the barbecue and he's getting the back and I'm like just pretend they're not there

and chat to the taxi driver. It wasn't to wind you up. It was to wind me up and I don't believe you for a fucking second. Guy, if you were to be randomly drank into a car, let's say you're out having a pub drink with some of your friends

and you go outside for a quick tamp that you're not going to tell Natalie about and somebody bundles you in to the back of a moving van and I forgot my point. What were we talking about? No, no, no, you're on your own here I know exactly what you're talking about but I don't know where you were going you were on a boat

you were going to the back of the taxi with Cara we were just at a barbecue I started chatting to the taxi driver about movies right

yes and then you were trying to use that as a simile of me hoodwinking you bundling into the back of a van and then talking

to you i don't understand why you or anyone else thinks that just because you take me somewhere gives you an inherent right to my personality my mind and my life like for the same reason if i were to ever get on a plane, and before the plane took off, just imagine, you've tucked in, you've got your seatbelts in, you've plugged your phone into the bits it needs to, and then before you take off to go to your family destination for your Christmas. The pilot comes over and goes, just before we take off, why are you guys going home? Like, what's the, like,

where's your accent from? What's going on? Why are you guys here? Why are you in this? You would go, shut the fuck up, and fly the plane. You would not accept, if if the pilot when you got onto a plane was to leave the fucking room and come back and go hey where you from you go check the

passport cunt fuck off go back to where the plane is fucking driven and drive the fucking plane we're not here to be friends. What are you talking about? I'm glad we're sharing the same experience called humanity that we're all doing. But don't you dare for a fucking millisecond, just because we experience the same emotions when we wake up and go to sleep, doesn't entitle you to go,

hey, how's your day? None of your, none, none of your business. Nah. None of your business. I think there's a fine line between bombarding them with conversation and you building a brick wall. And I get it. It's like you're self-perpetuating each other.

You're building a brick wall to stop the conversation because you're sick of the incessant conversation because you get taxis more than the average bear, right? But there should be, like, this, like, mutual agreement that will not be inhumane. We will get in and go, how are you doing, mate? You good? Yeah?

Whatever, like... There should be a bare minimum button. Nice call. And the bare minimum is you go, and you go, hey, you having a good day? And the guy goes, yeah. And he goes, you having a good day? And you go, yeah.

And you go, great. You know what else is... That's it. That's it. I don't give, like... Man, man, if you drive taxis above Uber drivers, straight up, I respect taxi drivers more than Uber drivers.

Because back in the fucking day, taxi drivers, you've got to learn a city you've got to legitimately hey do you want to be a taxi driver in newcastle you have to know every fucking road the one-way streets the one-way streets yeah where you can pull over where you can park where there's bus systems where it's a cul-de-sac all these now where if you drop someone off there is that going to be marketable wise somewhere you can get I

understand that like I fucking respect that side of taxi drivers none of that knowledge requires you ever once mentioning your daughter to me hairdressers no and the greatest

hairdresser in Edinburgh without a doubt and I'll say this straight up his name is oh the name of his hairdresser is Creed hairdressers in Edinburgh he is the greatest hairdresser

you move your head to get where he needs to be, you're just a piece of putty for him you're going to sit down, he's going to manipulate you, he's going to do your hair, he's going to steal your business he's going to take your money and he's going to send you on your way bish, bash, bosh I've been into that Barber's

seven times do you want to move that up, is that what you're doing? well no, I was going to do it for impact, but it doesn't really make a difference. But thank you for helping. I have gotten haircuts from that man for seven years, and I don't know his first name. Apollo? You'd assume.

Yeah. So I had a hairdresser when I was in London and then I started because I was going like I'm like a five six weeks

a haircut kind of guy and every time I went I would like I would it would just be like fucking all of you did you go into

the same one uh huh it was a Tonian guy in Stratford okay I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying I was paying to the same one? Uh-huh. It was a Tonian guy in Stratford. Okay. I was paying out of the odds for a haircut

but I had somebody I had somebody who I knew just got it right every time because I sometimes get butchered off Barbara's leg.

Oh, Kai, I've been your friend for 10 years and I think it's very kind of you to blame the Barbarians. Well, maybe it's not.

And now when I get into a barber, I'm asking for a miracle. And some of them can't perform miracles. Not all of them are magic, right? But every now and again, I've lived in different places, and every now and again I'll find a hairdresser that will not royally

fuck it up aye right and they're special and you stick to that person like glue when you find them right

it just so happened that this particular one was a Latonian guy that was going to charge 50 quid a haircut right and I'd go back every six weeks

but for me it got to the point where it wasn't just it wasn't just the haircut i was getting i wanted now what she'd been up day she was chatting to me about my day like we're both going through the same stuff like we're both getting engaged we both had a marriage coming up and all that like we're both similar ages you were engaged i got engaged to my wife oh sorry sorry in my head this was a part of your life when you were like with kylie i didn't really see i thought this was like from a sad part of your life i didn't i didn't realize

it was recent like i thought this was meant to be like you telling a story of an example before your life before before Natalie, before she gave you taste, before I taught you to... Oh, you think before Natalie I went to Tony and Guy? Now that you mention it, I am a fucking idiot. I went to a guy called Tony. Okay, no, you're right. I'm an idiot.

That's my fault for assuming progression, you know. Don't get me wrong. Let's talk about this. Disagree. Dallas is without a doubt one of the top three places to gig in America. Aye? Is that a gear change or was that on topic you give us a shit because I've still got something to add to the conversations with taxi

drivers and hairdressers so Dallas yes instantly tops three in America we'll get back to it the reason I don't like and this is unique to me and you and other people in our industry right the reason I don't like, and this is unique to me and you and other people in our industry, right? The reason I don't like speaking to the new barber,

the taxi driver, and the guy at the checkout at the hotel is that eventually the conversation is going to ask why you're in town and what you're doing here. And you've either got to lie or finish them with the truth that you're a comedian. And that conversation sucks every fucking time. I was actually rude to someone at the hotel desk

that day for it. Oh, really? Yeah, so I went down and I was like, oh, we're doing gigs. He was like, oh, you're musicians? I was like, nah, nah, comics.

It was a long fucking travel day as well. He was like, oh, I like Dark Human. Do you like Dark Human? I was like, you know what, we'll pedal a little bit

and that would touch boundaries. He was like, oh, go on then, make us laugh with a dark joke. Kill yourself. You know how we pedal a little bit and that, like we touch boundaries? Yeah. And he's like, oh, go on then, make us laugh with a dark joke. Kill yourself. Kill yourself directly. And I'll be fucking travelling, man. In front of your fucking children.

What I want you to do is I want you to take the bluntest knife you have in your kitchen and I want you to run it from your left ear to your right ear and I want you to die in front of me. But like, no question. You basic, me basic basic basic so basic that

you're not even fucking human you are merely a tool of a person slit your own throat in front of me if you ever ask me that question uh and i'm there i'm like i'm approaching 40 new man and this guy asked us to tell him a joke and the guy was maybe like 23, 24 years old and he was like quite bohemian and that, like he had his nails painted, he had his lip pierced and that. And he asked us to tell him a joke and I just fucking slumped across,

I just, it took all of me, the question took every last bit of energy I had left in me bones. I've been travelling for fucking six weeks, man. Right? I know. And I slumped across his desk and I went, oh, I'm not a jukeboxer.

It's truly the only reason why I'm jealous of Joe Rogan because it must be so refreshing for Joe Rogan to turn up at any venue and for no one to go tell us a joke. No, he's got them. No. You've never heard one I will

I will straight up and I promise this I will give 500 pounds dollars yen euros whatever the fucking

currency pesos lira if you can find me anyone ever in the history of the world

that has ever walked up to Joe Rogan and with a straight face gone make us laugh then. Man his audience have been paying $100 for that for several years and they laugh but they're not

people. Do you reckon your beef with Joe Rogan will ever reach him? Yeah yeah yeah man I'm terrified because because he could whoop both our arses

I couldn't stick up for you in that fight no I reckon he's a hard cunt yeah man he's a hard cunt he's also definitely more infinitely more

successful than I am he's really influential like that's the problem. We're kind of old ground here, so we'll just in and out.

He's influential and he's using his influence wrong. That's why. No, but it's not black and white shit. Man, I do like some of Joe Rogan's stand-ups. That was good. Man, he's not the worst stand-up. Man, he's good. He's decent at stand-up.

And the thing is, he's also decent at interviewing. But... We've got a lot of mutual friends. Sorry, I cut you off. I was going to say, we've got a lot of mutual friends with him. Like, we hang out with Bert Kreischer and Ari Shafir. And they seem to love Joe. Do you ever talk to them about how you feel?

No. No? Do you never just, like, just like put like off the record though i again if i were to meet joe i've got no doubt i would get on with them because man the guy's a fucking comic through and through regardless of regardless of any of the opinions i have on him personally and it's not even personal opinions i haven have my opinions on joe much like most left-wing people are i'm just basing my opinion off a bunch of headlines i've fucking read don't be wrong i listen to the podcast i'm not that fucking i do listen to what he does and i i personally just me

i think he is not a good interviewer I think he's a good podcaster I think he's objectively a terrible interviewer I think he takes no responsibility And that's fine because it's not his responsibility But Even though I don't enjoy some of his jokes His audience does And the fact that I don't enjoy it doesn't mean he's not funny

He is funny He wouldn't have the fucking career. But he's not. No real comedian in the world, apart from Dave Chappelle, when seriously asked who's the top ten comedian, the only person that's ever put Joe Rogan in their top 10 is Dave Chappelle and that's what's most concerning

for all other comedians we're like wait hold on the goat loves a retard? you know what I had I cringe about what's the point of that?

you want to juice I cringe about this but I had a Joe Rogan quote in my Twitter bio for quite a while. Man, Joe Rogan. Can I tell you what the quote was? I put it on in 2012 when I was single, right? And I heard it on a podcast, and I put it on as if it was my mantra. And it was, aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

Do you know his new quote is, aspire to be the man who lies about children getting shot in a school so that their parents can't visit the graves of their children. Without getting harassed by incels. Yeah, because neutrality in journalism is apparently important. You thick, bald, five foot four cunt.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Any human being that for a second allows Alex Jones to have a second on any of their media is a visit to Palestine. Carry on.

Carry on. carry on carry on are you done? yeah can I hear you? nope that's the bit over you're ruining that bit by the way no you're ruining the bit

you don't watch Carpule Enthusiasm you don't get the bit so therefore i will never engage with it it's like the way to be anti-sexist and anti-racist if somebody says something that's genuinely racist or sexist or bigoted in any other forms you just stare at them and then go explain the joke and then they stop doing the joke, because through explaining it, they understand why it's not funny. That can happen even with good jokes,

if you make them explain it. I don't think that's true. There's that quote about a joke's like a frog. If you dissect it, you learn more about it, but essentially it dies. Yeah, but if you dissect it, it's like a frog. You can dissect it, work out how it works, but none of it's funny. Yeah.

I think the punchline is that. Yeah. But if you do that, it dies. No, but I disagree with that concept. I don't think if you... You think your joke can be funnier if you look into it, if it works, if it stands up? Stuart Lee lee and even

though the man i like stuart lee a lot right i think he's i don't think he's the best uh i think he's got a lot to answer for none of it's his fault i've only because i started in 2008 a lot of people that started at the same time as me which was coincided with um stuart lee's comedy comedy vehicle so he become like a much more public figure than he was at the same time i started stand-up which means every single fucking open mic i tried to emulate it and try to avoid punch lines like the fucking plague because i thought that's what he was doing but what he was doing was building tension building it was tantric it was tantric and when the punchline came it was like fucking multiple orgasms because he took it so long to get there and then it worked but people didn't realize that was a craft

they just thought that they could just talk dead slowly and then put another couple of syllables in next and then the next thing they said would come later and the punchline would never come and I had to be on so many fucking open mics with them cunts it actually probably helped me career I watched a very very interesting, there's some YouTube channel that sort of

deconstructs comedy and as somebody who is a big fan of the science of comedy speaking to well in, watching the stuff, his thing was, Stuart Lee does this very fascinating thing, which is the audience is the problem, which is this game, which is how do you make stand-up funny

when the audience are the villain? And that's the entire game that Stuart Lee plays and I started watching some of the things I watched his content create it's very funny just it was a level of art because we we we broach on like being annoyed at your audience but we do it I feel in more genuine ways like if we i get annoyed in my audience if they over laugh at a joke or if they whoop or if they cheer or if they go over offended that's when i'll get involved whereas what stewart lee does so masterfully is on so many nights he's able to create this tension of people naturally not enjoying his material

even if they all are he's able to find the pockets in the crowds and manufacture this stage in that moment in such a way that it feels like he's always going against the grain and that's the genius of it because he goes on stage

and he goes nobody gets what I do and for the full two hours of this special, where again, Stuart Lee's content provider is on free on YouTube, I think, I only watched it the day for the first time, man, I think it's borderline immaculate. Like in the aspect of... I've not seen it yet, but... Just in the aspect of what it is to be a comic right and what the the comic persona is if

you look at shirley's comic persona which is to i'm smarter than the audience i'm better than the audience and when the audience don't laugh at any one of my jokes it's not because i'm a bad comedian it's because they're stupid and because they're stupid I'm going to over explain everything because I'm such a violent narcissist that and this is the character he plays. Can you see how when students on that gap year on daddy's money try and pursue comedy and replicate

that it's the worst thing in the fucking world. Yes I can. Yes. But when he gets it right it's fucking amazing. Because you at least been doing it for 25 to 30 fucking years. And look, like, there are... Hey, I remember when gong shows were, like, a kind of rite of passage in the comedy industry

where, like, if you want to play the frog and bucket, if you want to play the comedy store, if you want to play some of the funhouse gigs, you go and do a gong show, right? It's fucking demoralising. If you don't know what a gong show is, you sign up like an open mic, you go on, but you

might get gonged off if the audience don't like you. You've got five minutes, if you complete the five minutes, you're through. So there are like three sections of the audience and the host will decide, this person in this section gets the sign, this person is... Hold up, this person in this section gets the sign, this person is...

Like a card that you hold up. This person in that section gets that, this person in that section gets that. And if two cards go up, you're still in. But if all three sections

of the audience go up, you're done. That's, you're gonged. That's the career over. And unfortunately, for many comedians in the UK, that's one of the ways that you have to fight to get on stage.

One, it's guaranteed stage time. You don't get denied the gig. You always get the gig, right? So if you're a new comedian, do the fucking gong show because you're going to get accepted for stage time, right? I still, I don't just vary. This is a brag I've not been able to put anyone else i still to this day hold the world record for longest gong show spot at the comedy

store where in manchester because because obviously everyone the second you finish five minutes there's even if you're mid punchline when you get to five minutes they ring the gong and you beat the gong that's the gig over but the host

wanted you to finish your bit not even the host when I was Roger Monkhouse was the host the voice of God would have been

Simon the Tick uh huh I'm at Manchester Comedy Store and this is way back in the day I'm 17 years old I get all the way through the same

with a super deep voice that looks unbefitting to who he is yeah i think it's kind of skinny marathon runner looking guy with the deepest voice you've ever heard yep so i end up i end up doing four minutes and 45 of all my material and it's going all fucking great and i've gone wrong and then i start doing the shaving joke and you obviously remember the shaving joke was a full legitimate routine it was 90 seconds it was a four-part routine but it was a routine it was a legit start to finish it was uh this is the way it's performed every night i get 15 seconds into that and I beat five minutes but they don't ring the gong

and me on stage because I'm immaculate with my fucking timing I know I've gone over but the fact that they don't run the gong I'm like

oh I'm doing bad like I thought this was five minutes but the fact that the gong's not gone means I've not done five

minutes I must yeah I must have time dilation I could be like the time's going so slow for me that I've not done five minutes I must yeah I must have time dilation yeah I could be like the time's going so slow for me that I've done

three minutes and I think I've done five and because I think I'm doing well like and all the adrenaline is getting so I slow down and I start slowing

down the punchlines and again the gong doesn't come and the gong doesn't come and people are laughing man I'm ripping the cards aren't up I'm ripping

none of the cards are up I'm fucking ripping and it gets to the point where I finally get to the final punch none of the cards are up I'm fucking ripping and it gets to the point where I finally get to the final punchline of the show and I'll remember this for as long as I live

Roger Munkhouse the MC who I still think is a sweet and I love man who went I get to the punchline final punchline

the gong rings huge round of applause and Munkhouse just goes that wasn't there's no way that was there was five minutes is there a problem up in the tech booth

and Simon came over and just went and again man I am 17 years old this is my first time doing the comedy store ever in my fucking life which is a huge gig for a new comic it's a huge gig now I still love Dana now.

Simon comes over the fucking voice and just goes, he cleared the five minute mark before his last joke, but I did just want to see how it ended. Nice. So you ended up having a seven minute gong. Man, to be granted the right to finish a joke at a gong show. Did you win the chair off? Yes.

You won the clap off? Yeah, yeah. That's how I got my first ever spot at the store. Yeah, that's the rite of passage. That's the way to do it. Oh. So I've won the comedy store one as well, but then I've done the frog and bucket one,

and I got booed off because... Because Dan Nightingale was doing his last gig there. I texted Dan Nightingale, I've talked about this on Have A Word, so, you know, I had this routine about my brother having a tied tongue.

Aye. And he can't stick his tongue out. Aye, yes. He can only roll his tongue forward. Aye. And I did this thing, where just, you know, like sibling rivalry, like brother his tongue forward and I take this thing like where just you know

like sibling rivalry like brotherly right I do this thing about how he can't eat pussy and I'm the tiger woods eating pussy right and it's like

big enough how could I and the tiger woods of eating pussy eats a lot of pussy behind his pregnant wife's back tiger woods

is the tiger woods eating pussy Jesus he liked a lot of fucking stanky gash so the whole angle was meant to be

like me joke did I write a joke no I was just saying respectfully with eye contact to the camera

so the whole bit was about because my brother can't lick he can't lick a girl he has to trough her out like a horse and I'm like

trying to use his lips instead of his tongue it's the whole bit sad and i'm like not me though i'm the take a pussy and it's meant to be like oh it was a swing and a miss you know i was i knew it was meant to be knowingly but it just looked like i was really bragging about how good i was at eating pussy right and two of them were fucking fucking cards upright and one of them got it one of them got what I was trying to do he was picking up what I was putting doing

and was enjoying it but the rest of the fucking audience was shouting at me and also once I got past that bit I started doing a bit about because the guy

just wouldn't put the card up I started doing a bit about being at McDonald's at the drive-thru and there was a guy with a Jeremy Beardlaw and he had like this is a genuine story

so just for our non-British listeners could you explain Jeremy Beedle on it's derogatory to say Gimp on but that probably makes you know what I mean but to give context The Lucky Handoff, scary movie America

America's home videos your own version of America's you've been framed you've been framed is what it was in the UK Jeremy Beadle

was our host of our version of America's darndest things or whatever and he had a little alarm

and hey hey hey he had a little alarm during the 70s so fucking respect respect to the BBC for the only time I've ever had respect

for a dying company that deserves to die, that is filled with talentless cunts desperately trying to milk actually talented people to make up the hollowness in their own fucking talent. Milk them with these lucky dogs. Aye, aye. Look, the BBC's an interesting concept, but every time it dies, I'm happy.

Anyway, so he was part of the bbc and he had he had the the little arm is this the liddermode is that the word i'm not is that the term for the disability i'm not you know what to be honest with you even if it was i wasn't even sure it was mean it's like when people ask me i know josie had cerebral palsy but if you were to ask me what cerebral palsy was i don't think I could medically explain to you I can explain to you the experience I had with my sister for six, seven years. You taught me how

club foot happens today Cara taught us, yeah Yeah, it's like the foot gets stuck in the ribs and grows around the ribs So it's like your foot's stuck in the ribs Here's the very interesting thing, and this is one of the most don't get me wrong, I am... And I know this is on a money podcast

and I shouldn't be talking about my fiancé's pregnancy, but here we are. I... I love... I love Cara being pregnant. I think it's the most exciting thing in the world. It's terrifying, it's scary. I'm out of my fucking depth. But what I've

realised is because Josie died when I was eight, it meant that when Matthew and Jack were born, they were born when I was ten and twelve. So I've always not only have I always been around children I've always been, I'm no pregnancy You've been around a pregnant woman for a formative years

So my mum, the second she was pregnant with Jack, man I, I remember vividly the day I came home from primary school at lunchtime for lunch. For milk. And my mum put the pregnancy test across the table and she went, what do you think that is? You've got COVID. In the 90s.

In the 90s. You Asian bitch. You Chinese traitor. Who eats a butt? You Wuhan mother. In the 90s? You Asian bitch, you Chinese traitor. Who eats a butt? You Wuhan mother... Who eats a butt? She handed it over to me and I was excited by it. And I'm still excited by it now.

But from this experience of pregnant pregnancy is fascinating object if you've never been around a pregnant person it's so interesting there's so many things that you don't know here's just from the top of my head you might not know this but the baby gets all of the calcium to grow its bones from the mother's calcium. That's why dental care in Scotland is free for a pregnant woman. If you haven't taken enough calcium in your diet, then the baby is just going to take the calcium from your stores. Yes. And that stores happen to just be your teeth and your bones.

So in Scotland, they have an understanding of this. So when you're pregnant, you get three years of free health care because even if your diet is bad and you're not getting it thank you dental care it's it's the even though that's progressive and that's amazing and I'm very happy that Kara gets a year's maternity leave she gets free health care she gets free dental care I think it's all amazing I think getting a getting the person you love most in the world your soulmate pregnant

is objectively the worst thing that you can do to them you wouldn't do that to your mate no you wouldn't do that to me you're my best friend

you're my best friend I wouldn't have the career I had without you I wouldn't have The Career I had without you I wouldn't have the confidence I have without you But you're gonna do that Thing to Fasante

Where you Where you make your baby Grow in me womb Yeah But just so that I can Be a dad Yeah But I've gotta do

I've gotta Hold on All my organs Are gonna push up Into me ribs Yeah So that your baby Can grow in my gut

And then it's gonna Eh no Eh Our baby is equal. Even though you're doing 95% of it. Right. Like, it's our baby. And then, you know, like once I've incubated it

and it's ready to come out, how does it come out? If you give us a couple of options. Okay, you know what? I can give you a couple of options. The Best option Is we choose When the baby Is going to come

And what we're going to do Is we're going to Cut you from your nipple To your sternum And not in any sort of Direct thing But we're going to You think

That's my sternum there I was exaggerating For comedic effect No hold on But just for comedic effect That's my sternum Yeah That's my sternum. Yeah. That's my nipple.

Is that why I'm having a C-section? But, but, but, Ban. Ban, you're correct to point, because obviously that was, that's just kidneys falling. That's taking me hot. I can't take me hot. That's Christmas.

No, I agree but it's this point where it's not that right so you've got it

you go like baby I love you I don't I don't let's let's take it back best friend

who I travel with you know we'll play a few fuck together I'm gonna I'm gonna cut you you know you know

your stomach you're proud of you know like you keep no no baby no tell you cut you you know you know your stomach you're proud of you know like you keep no no baby no tell you what yeah i know you love your abs but what we're gonna do is because i know you want to keep your abs and when you be healthy you've grown this baby that i gave you what i'm gonna do is i'm just gonna make don't worry don't worry about this every second Can I push through my genitals? Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. Oh, worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is that you push it out through your urethra. What we can do occasionally with planning is we can make a little tear here

and it'll be a very precise thing. And then what we'll do is just put two fingers in that hole, rip it open and drag the baby out. That is legit what a caesarean is. Aye, fuck aye. I've read Adam Kay's book and I'm still traumatised. Because he tells a story about it going disastrously wrong.

And I'm fucking still to this day traumatised by that book I advise Natalie to not read it no no no no I was like I want you to read this book because it's like very funny and it's very informative and it's like and it's Adam Kay and it's called what's the name of the book?

read it once you've got your tubes tied oh that's a good question you know this is a little shame that I can't remember because he's got two books Everything's going to be alright But it's something along those This is a bastard This is another people are screaming

At the podcast moment No no no It's a damn shame No no the same for them We're allowed to arrive at things Give it a quick google while I Backtrack on a couple of things I don't know where my phone is

It's just there right I'm going to backtrack on a couple of things At the Gong Show And I was talking about the guy At McDonald's while I backtrack on a couple of things. I don't know where my phone is. It's just there, right? I'm going to backtrack on a couple of things, right? At the gong show, and I was talking about the guy at McDonald's that handed me my meal and handed me my change with his, like, funny little arm.

And I'm like, he could have used his other arm. He didn't need to do that. And that was me bit. And people started seriously booing and I got gonged off. So that was me getting gonged off story. And what I was telling that story for

is because on the Stuart Lee, have you got it? Wait there. I'm just going to wrap this up. On the Stuart Lee surge of 2008 where every comedian wanted to be Stuart Lee, a lot of open spots were going, well, gong show isn't like indicative

of how good you are as a comedian. Like Stuart Lee wouldn't be very good well, gong show isn't like, indicative of how good you are as a comedian. Like Stuart Lee wouldn't be very good at a gong show because he takes a while to get the punchline. And you go, and I'm like, no, Stuart Lee's a good comic. And if that was his situation,

he'd fucking adapt to it. Cause he's a good comic. And he nags stagecraft. And he nags how to play the course you're on. That's not what he'd like to do with his career, which is why he doesn't put his head up for it to do with his career which is why that noise was that was me nodding in agreement so much that i head butters the microphone so second time it's happened to me but man i couldn't agree with you more simply put i i there is pretentiousness in comedy and don't get me wrong I am consistently part of the pretentiousness sometimes you just get

overwhelmed in things for years I I thought I disliked Stuart Lee just because of his fans for the same reason

that you think you don't like Dimension Dimension is objectively one of the greatest I like Dimension but his fans are awful because they're like you know what

you don't know no he's actually really clever because what he does is he rhymes his stuff with and you're just left with those guys

I like Tim when comedy speaks to you on a personal level and I say this as someone who comedy speaks on a personal level

you become a little wanker and I don't say this from a hierarchical place of being like, you all act like this around me. I say this as someone that, man... Fans can ruin a comic. Oh, so much!

I went to see Kitson, who I'd heard was the best comedian that ever lived. He just doesn't do mainstream stuff, so you'll not see him on TV and all that, right? And I went to see him at the stand at the Fringe Festival, like, I'm going to'm gonna guess 2013 right and um i'm in the audience and he's fucking class right and he's got alan cochran up with him who and has class as part of the sketch right and he's got fucking andy zaltzman up with him who and has class right

three of them are fucking more intelligent than i could dream to be. Bit of a joke right? That's a fucking excellent right? And the fans spoil it by over laughing and they might as well have been pointing at their own chest while they were laughing like Ha ha ha ha! I get it! Ha ha ha ha! Do you get that?

I get that! I'm smart because I get that! They laugh at it like fucking sport fans oh man I was sat there I was sat there like can I just enjoy this at my own pace

do I have to enjoy this at your ridiculous pace like you're laughing before he's finished the bit well it's because he's just such a meta genius guy like the second

you take art outside of art it puts you above it but it doesn't i and like it was your finances i just found it a bit of a shame i was like i'd love to see this guy on a neutral territory like just on a level playing field where the but i did find like i i think i'd always not this i didn't turn my nose up to it, but like because for so much of my career I was so obsessed with being

like the best in the world, I would always look at other people that were described as the best in the world, and of course Stuart Lee comes into that, and I think I had this like little bit of just choice ignorance where I refused to see his genius and I only wished to see his flaws

but now, I watched watched we were with chris williamson the other day and he put me onto this youtube channel which was this guy who deconstructs comedy and this guy very smartly deconstructed so he's your reviewer no no no no no reviewers are scum and every reviewer deserves what's he doing that's different it's just his own YouTube channel so it's a spoken word instead of written but no

but it's not a review it's just him going this is the reviewers don't so this is more of like a scientific review yeah right

so reviewers don't it's just their opinion right no no reviewers are deeply educated in their thing we know that like they think they are their opinion right no no reviewers are deeply educated in their thing

we know that like they think they are I have a I stood at the back of the room with Barry Castanola

when like even if it's your friends on stage if there's a slight flaw in a joke he'll lean across

as if he was like really pinnickety yeah and be like well that wouldn't happen would it

yes and that's and that's barry's funniest bit because it's deconstructing live comedy that's going well is the most pointless thing in the world and that's why it's funny to deconstruct and not enjoy comedy that's literally taking place is very funny because that is you purposely missing the point of stand-up comedy and that is what every reviewer is never forget never forget and i want this on record there is not a single reviewer on this planet who i do not earn more money than or could not be in a fight objectively true in the world

in the whole wide world there is not a single comedy reviewer who i do not earn i'm gonna say at least nine times as much as and i'm a better person than i'm a funny and i'm you brag less no no no no no because they've got nothing to brag about i write comedy reviews for the time. Oh, get that fucking cock in my mouth. No, it's never... No. This is one of Barry's.

We're doing Punch Drunk, and Barry was on, Dave Johns was on, and one of Dave Johns' lines, it's a funny line, he was like, I sell a tape of Viagra to the headboard like a salt lick. It's in the middle of a long bit, but that's funny line, he was like, I sell a tape of Viagra to the headboard like a salt lick.

It's in the middle of a longer bit but that's the line. He's like, I sell a, and Barry's just like, but I mean, if you sell a tape

to the headboard you'd just be licking the salt tape. But I, if you stick it down, it doesn't really. That's just like one example but what's funny

is how relentless the like little you'll be sat there there'll be like a couple of different comics on and then they you'll just lean

away and go well I did and it's not it's not like degrading the comic that's on because like

if he was on there'd be bits in his that you could do that to too we've all got those bits in our set where we just go

yeah this bit isn't Fucking It's not necessarily not real but it's Exaggerated it's heightened it's whatever And you could point out The realism in it But then

To make that real I've got to say about ten more words To get there And also one thing I found in America And while we While we wrap up this podcast, because this is our last one of the American Tour, the way we're doing this is we're doing this podcast now, and then immediately after this,

we're going to do the Patreon special, Directly to this room with Cara. Because we're going to be travelling when the next podcast is due to be recorded, so instead of it being late, we're going to record it now. We're getting Cara in, we've got a seat set up there, we've got a mic set up there, and we are going

to ask her questions about her pregnancy. Yeah. So, there was a... I can't remember when I brought it up, I feel like I had a legit podcast reason for bringing it up. Oh, sorry, so, this podcast now, I know we've been bitching and moaning and i know obviously i'm i'm i'm quite whiskey drunk can i

respect all of you so we've got one day of the tour left i'm gonna get a whole go home to my wife and dog yep i've loved this to her so much but i'm getting so fucking sentimental now we've been away from me little, me tiny little family. I'm the same man. And I've even got, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and Neil, because you've both been so good during this tour. I've had the advantage of my pregnant fiance has joined me for the last two weeks.

And you're both missing your cat. I know, but it's, but man, missing your cat's way but it's but man missing your cat is way easier than missing your bird like well you both missed like

and Ray's looked after because Colin's at home and he has to because of Carrie has to send three hour updates every single day the hard bit for me

is like your cat's gonna look exactly the same as when you left her what's hard for you is that clock's ticking let's be real it's an old cat right

she should man she shouldn't have lasted this year But It's true My dog's changed so much And I've missed it You may have spells like that No no no No no no

Hopefully I don't think I will ever have spells like that With my kid If I do it'll be At most a month Imagine just because of airpanning. Imagine coming back and seeing your kid a couple of inches taller and they're a different person than the last time you hugged them. That's going to be emotional, that. But that's exactly why.

It's like what I'm going through now, times a million. Yes, but I've already, and Marlena knows this, and Marlena is as much as as much as I'm aware that we will bring her up in this podcast and we'll bitch and moan about her

because she's she nails it she's fucking fantastic because she's a because she's a fucking psycho with weird ideas but she's

the best in the world at her job man Marlena's number one concern at this moment in time is me having the most time with my kids

like I really don't see that so she's not going to do a number on you and like put you on the other side of the planet for months on end she's got to be like

right how can I keep these together either you travel with a child and your wife or make sure you come back at regular intervals yes aye

so it'll you know things are going to change because we have hit it hard for the last many years. Like, for the last ten and a half years. Man, my favourite thing of the day, and I know this is coming from a pregnant woman so it's less real, but like, when

Cara came out, she was like, even after four days of just being on the road with us, she was like, this is hard. This is really difficult. This tiring this isn't this isn't traveling this isn't seeing the world this is really tiring and awful and both of you and me for the first time we weren't like yeah we were like really are we are we allowed to be a little bit sad about some of this experience? I was like, you enjoy the gigs.

We're like, we love the gigs. The gigs are the best. But the other 22 hours of the day are a little bit difficult. Neil preempted it. You called her. He was like, oh, when Caris gets here and she travels with you, she'll see you for what you do. He was like, you'll be seen

like she'll understand what like she'll get a little sample of what you're doing on like I was expecting her to rightfully

rightfully and correctly be like you think this job is hard you just go from fucking city to city every day blah blah blah

you tell the same jokes while being famous, it's not that difficult. Three day, and she is pregnant, so obviously her... Her experience is tougher than ours right now. Yes, infinitely. Except for,

she doesn't have to deal with hangovers. No, she doesn't. No, no. That's, right, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't. And she also doesn't have to deal with random men wanting to fuck her

since she's so fat and rancid like we have to put up with I didn't mean any of that and only because I'm not random sorry I didn't mean any of the I was just being purposely antagonistic to get a reaction

from the kinder version of my audience because it's very funny because antagonising the pure makes me feel better than them

because I'm a weak person yeah so I think I think we've done really well this tour I haven't burnt out even though we've been non-stop

because Cara was pointing out that she was like on Instagram it makes you jealous when you're watching it you're like oh I'm in New York now I'm in fucking Boston

now I'm in Detroit or whatever and she's like look at that that looks so fucking cool and nobody looks at that and goes oh but yeah

it takes four hours to get there you've got to check in there's a queue at the hotel also man we're only posting the good shit

it's social media get over it of course we're only posting the good shit. It's social media. Of course we're only posting the shit that makes us look cool. Do you understand how absolutely undervalued I am in the UK? All my fucking social media is, is me proving to the UK circuit that I am more famous than most of them and I deserve the respect that I won't be given. And that's why my social media

exists, that's it just for the comics, I'm not trying to sell tickets it's just me desperately going hey I know you're on Mark the Weak but objectively I'm better than you, objectively I'm more famous, that's all this tour is you said I got the Apollo this week when does the American tour start

off the back of it? how was the Apollo, did you go on after Paul Chowdhury or before Lee Nelson? How did it go in the lowest bar of comedy that has ever exist on television within the past fucking decade? We're getting too comfortable on this podcast. Nah. Lee Nelson and Paul Chowdhury can come at me.

I'm objectively better than you both infinitely better than you both there's no denial that I'm better by a substantial mile than you both and if you take this as a peer insulting a peer peer sorry I think I was trying to get caught on

like a peer career the only thing we need Lee Nelson that I've got qualms with is that he made a career and pretended to be what I am. Aye, aye. Yeah, yeah. And he's not.

He was just, man. Lee Nelson. I'm in a chaff. No, no. Lee Nelson did a modernly acceptable version of Blackface. That's all it was. Aye.

You culturally appropriated Chauvin. And also, please, that's all it was man you culturally appropriated charm and also please that's not comparing to blackface the history of blackface

is infinitely more evil infinitely more bad and steeped in much more racism that comparison

you can have hyperbole in your similes without being caldude on it no no but I do want people to understand yeah of course

I'm not saying no no but also I wouldn't want Lee Nielsen to see me being like, you did blackface. He did blackface. You parodied poor cunts for the rich.

I feel bad. I got a paid gig off him. He'll not remember it. But one of his agents agents one of his producers got in touch saying he's doing this new off the curb pretty much open mic

open mic and off the curb if you ever want to know whether the television show you've just watched is an actual meritocracy on comedy if it's by Open Mic or Off The Curb no

if it's by any other company except for Avalon it's normally booked through like we'll just book who's the best if it's Open Mic, Off The Curb or Avalon it is exclusively their own clients who they want on television that I'll say

they don't owe us anything so I'm just like whatever like that's not an avenue for me I kind of gotta do that no no no no no

no no but it's not about owing you do not get to fucking as an agency create a television show on the only

comedy stand up show on mainstream television you do not get to create the only stand up show on mainstream television you do not get to create the only stand up show on mainstream television and then decide who's in that that is objectively wrong and it's only in Britain

that it fucking happens it doesn't happen in America, it doesn't happen in Canada it doesn't happen in fucking France, it doesn't happen in Australia it doesn't happen in any other country other than the fucking UK, where what they will do, they will have one or two stand-up shows that are booked by one fucking agency

who will get their own people on it. And if you're one of these dumbass men at home who thinks they hate women comedians, the reason you hate female comedians is because of Avalon and Off the Curb. Because what happens is, brilliant female comedians will get very good and very talented

and then they'll be signed by the bigger agencies and they will be forced onto television to fill a market that these agencies feel that is there. Too fast, too soon and you're watching an open spot in amongst a bunch of... A very talented open spot Yeah, a very talented open spot that just needs a little bit of time to develop. And what will happen

is because they're so desperate for this diversity and they're so desperate to own that diversity and be in charge of that diversity that they will put that diversity on every single bit of television to the point where they run out of material and they become worse and this is why you find dumb fucking men who are like women aren't funny because because I saw Holly Walsh die. And you go, right, you can easily watch 10 men die on stage and you don't think men aren't funny. You see one bad woman on television.

But the reason that exists is because there are only two stand-up shows on television. Live at the Apollo. There's only one stand-up show on television. Yeah, I was going to say. One stand-up show on television and it's live at the Apollo There's only one stand up show on television Yeah I was going to say One stand up show on television And it's live at the Apollo So when Holly Walsh Or whoever

Whatever fucking female comedian They decide needs to be Or not even just female Disabled And again I am Representing Young Young

Man the reason I got You were the young guy The reason I got Mike and Tara's Roadshow Wasn't because I was funnier Than the older comics You were pushed on as an open spot Yes I was got Macintyre's Roadshow wasn't because I was funnier than the older comics. You were pushed on as an open spot?

Yes, I was put on Macintyre's Roadshow because I was young, I was Scottish and I was arguably attractive. I was a fucking

box ticker. I don't, these companies, they force the public this idea of what stand-up is and this is why

you'll meet people in the UK, the only country in the world when you go, hey, do you like stand-up is. And this is why you'll meet people in the UK, the only country in the world, when you go, hey, do you like stand-up? They're like, I don't like comedy. And you go, everyone likes comedy. That's like saying I don't like music. Yeah.

That's like saying I don't like films. You've just not found the comedy that you'd like. There is comedy out there for you. And don't worry, if this isn't it, I get that. Yeah, that's why like, you know, if somebody's like, I don't like comedy because all they've seen is like

Peter Kay, Michael McIntyre, and they've just seen some like sanitized stuff that's on at Christmas for their family. Just to be very pernickety. McIntyre's class.

And Peter Kay isn't. Right, but like, I'm just saying that pedestrian, like, it's 9pm onm on a christmas eve you're watching it with your fucking grandma and your granddaughter right it's quite an age range quite an age range in the living room get a little way no no no no you're just in fife

and you go oh no i don't like comedy based on what television feeds you, you haven't seen Stanhope. Aye. You haven't seen Jim Jefferies. Like, you could have your fucking mind blown when you find out what options are out there. Not even that. Not even that. Man, you haven't seen Finn Taylor. You haven't seen Ali Wong.

You haven't seen Michelle Wolfe. You haven't seen Auntie Donna. Your man, Jeffrey Asmus. Jeffrey Asmus. You haven't. There Donna your man Jeffrey Asmus Jeffrey Asmus you haven't there are so many different types of comedy there are different type comedies

out there for everyone but in Britain there is this idea that there's only one type of comedy and the reason this one type of comedy exists is because Avalon

and Off the Carp will consistently put their own and again I don't want this to be an insult to Avalon and Off the Car, you're good

Oh yeah, that's the thing like, it feels shitty like taking an act with a fucking broad brush because acts are good, but what they'll do is they'll sweep up everybody and they'll fucking get a few of them through, like sperm, and the rest of the fucking sperm's just dripping down the leg It's like, what about these

guys in the small font on your website? The ones that didn't make it? Fuck. Like, if you were to watch Live at the Apollo exclusively and that was your understanding of British comedy, you would think British comedy was distinctly fucking average. Distinctly and horrendously fucking average. And that is not true.

British comedy is superb. British comedy inspires American comedy. Shout out now to Hot Water for just recording fucking UNI comics, just fucking comics that are just peddling their craft, not like fucking getting any big leg up off industry, recording them, packaging them, putting them out on like five minute clips

on their YouTube and you're getting a fucking smorgasbord of comedians so that you can decide what it is that you like and I think what fucking hot water

we're doing is just like because I bet you there's a lot of people out there thousands of people out there all over the world

that are tuning in to that channel and fuck you've seen this you hear what they're saying you hear these ideas fucking our boy Paul Smith is doing so good fucking class

Paul Smith Paul Smith has never been fucking touched by any bit of British television that and the cunt will say he knew he was in a position to say fuck you

when they ask him and the cunt will sell it he tried to Lamborghini fucking arenas he'll sell it fucking arenas and it's not because he's not good it's because British fucking television

decided that he wasn't the right type of diverse so a working class ghost lad fucking chatting to the crowd and I say this as a middle class person working class diversity matters fuck all in the UK off the curb in Avalon objectively do not give a shit

objectively do not give a shit about working class comedy you were, Guy wasn't allowed on the comedy fucking roast battles even though he won both of the editions, he wasn't allowed on it because somebody posher than him lost a battle

but because they ticked more fucking boxes than him because he's just a Geordie piece of shit I beat a... No names, no names, no names. So I beat one of my friends in the audition. And fuck it, even if I don't say his name, just the hook is going to give it away.

So I'll just say his name, he's my mate Naz. He was heir to the Ottoman Empire, which obviously doesn't exist anymore. But if it did, he would have been the fucking he would have been an emperor right he's got a bloodline

right and they saw that as a hook to get him on the show right so they got him on the show and then our friend Tom

who lost in the audition to Lauren Patterson he got the gig because he lives in the Tower of London and he had a hook and these are like oh these guys

have got like an MO and they can get on right and our friends are very talented Laura Pons is very funny Naz is

hysterical Naz deserves to be on Tom deserves to be on but it was a conversation with the producers

when I didn't get on even though with a straight face even though both of these lads lost

their audition right and I won it it was my agent through me that was having the conversation he was like can I ask was it because Tower London and the fucking yeah yeah it is

and then I didn't reply back but I'm like wait a minute so these lads got on TV based on an advantage that was nothing to do with the stand up but nothing to do with their achievements it was something that they were born into and Kai I don't know if you know but that is the bbc's very definition of diversity and i was this is why i was born into poverty where sometimes when my friends were around playing and i wanted them to stay over because it was getting dark right i couldn't have them staying

over because there wasn't enough food and that's me that's me slant on my parents my parents worked fucking really really fucking hard right but it was the situation that way and it was the lack of opportunity in the jobs it was the low pay it was that right i grew up in fucking hardship right and i grew up in love like i i'm rich in love right i didn't grow up in fucking that kind of poverty right i was loved right but I grew up in fucking hardship and I found my way to the same position they were in without any of that fucking financial backing and the support that it takes you to get through French shows

and stuff like that. And I got pretty much told to my face, they're going to get it ahead of you because of the advantage that they had at the start of their life. Yep. And I'm like, all right,

cool, cool, cool. But also, but you've got to take the, Kai, Kai, Kai, no, you have to take, and also you're a straight white male, all right, cool, cool. No, no, no, but also, but you've got to take the kite, kite, kite.

No, you have to take it. And I'm a mate, so it's hard. And also, you're a straight white male. So therefore, you've got all the advantages. Yeah, I do have other advantages. That is true. No, no, you do. It's objectively true.

You do, but that's their justification. And even though obviously... And you know, that is actually a way that I dealt with it when I heard that information. And instead of getting down on myself, I was like, you know what, I've had enough luck in my life. I've had plenty of luck, right? I've had plenty of fortune.

Like, I don't have the disadvantages that my own wife would have coming up, you know? So I have to go, it's my turn to be discriminated against. That's fine. And I actually did. I just went, it's my turn. That's exactly what you said huh

I remember that's exactly what you said just like it's my turn to be discriminated against and we all just went oh I mean I guess but it's not man

we're at it was so weird to be like actively told to your face we're discriminated against you because you come from a poor family man

like what the fuck is that hold on we're at we're discriminating against you because you come from a poor family man what the fuck is that hold on we're at we're at one of five Cara's knackered

she's off she's off to bed so we'll try and record that tomorrow no no no

let's end this podcast and then let's on the patreon for the next half an hour discuss exactly what's wrong

with British comedy alright did we not just do that? I've got so much more to say. Okay. See you Thursday, guys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because this is the last episode.

To anyone that's tuned into this over the past couple of weeks and to anyone that's come to any of our performances through America, genuinely, even though our last American tour was a mind-blowing bit of success that I personally truly never thought I'd experience, to come out from the pandemic, from really dark points during the pandemic of thinking like it's all over, nothing's real anymore,

like the whole world's done. There's no way we'll get back to where we were. This American tour has been and you'll hate this in the future it's been so good for my arrogance and my confidence this has been it to anyone that can revitalize and yeah it's it's been the tour it's been the tour that you dream of as a as as a kid it's the tour that you dream of as a kid is the tour that like I know in several years I'll look back on this thing and realise

how ridiculous it was to anyone that came out I have loved every second of this tour every fucking second don't get me wrong I'm ready to go home and I'm ready to relax

and that doesn't mean I'm tired of the experience but it just there hasn't been a single day on this tour in America that's been bad like there's this tour in America that's been

bad like there's been tough days and there's been challenging days we lost our luggage and we had to get to our track EBS but that was just like

it was a moment of triumph that we got there on time there's been there's been no I've lost me valuables and me wallet but there's been no bad audience

and so the audience has been class so before we move on be to anyone that tuned in to this podcast specifically to listen to what it was like on the american journey i'm glad we could take you with we yeah thanks so much for joining us we thank you so much for coming to the shows we thank you so much for the for the weeds uh just a little note to anyone coming to my shows in the next couple of months if you could do me a huge favor and not bring any marijuana i know this is going to be weird for you

to hear from me but if you could not bring any weed to any future shows for the next couple of months just because when i'm sober i'm going sober because it's the last three months of Cara's pregnancy and I want to be sober for at least that, if not more. Psychologically available. Yes. And also I'm weak. So if you bring me weed, I will smoke it. So this podcast, the Thursday podcast that we're about to record, is the last time you say I'm drunk for a long time?

Yep. But to everyone that came out to us on any part of the American tour dream come true across the board. Never like every time we get to do this I know you think it would be less exciting for us

but for two There was a real case of not taking it for granted this time. Not that we did last time. We're still very much like, last time I feel like we were full throttle because it was like, this might be the only time we're going to do this.

And we went full throttle this time. We've just been a lot more like taking care of ourselves. Getting to bed at a reasonable hour. So just very grateful that you all tuned in to this. We're recording this one, we're recording the Patreon special just to get over with so we can have like a week off. We'll be waiting for Doug.

Aye. So we'll be back. Thank you to everyone who listened in. Please come see us on the tour in the UK if you're in the UK. If you're in Europe, we're coming to France still. The Germany tour dates have been delayed.

I know if you're in Germany, that's frustrating for you because it's the third time we've delayed them we're gutted but it's the laws it's not a personal decision it's just the situation I get that

we're whiny drunken cunts or at least I am most of the time I don't think I've loved it to more than this one i've done and uh and to every person that came to us in america during this sincerely thank you uh really really loved it all uh and i hope you all die of aids okay okay um so see see you on thursday um sign up to Patreon if you haven't already

and if you still just want to sit in the cheap seats I'll see you Monday when we're going to be sober and it's going to be the start of a new journey