Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Vajazzle my Cavapoo

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Mark Nelson is alongside Muggins in this action packed episode with some trips into the dark corners of their memories that unearth some cringeworthy hilarity. A vintage episode, if you laugh as much as they did recording it you're in for a treat. If I do say so myself, it's Muggins writing this. Oh... and did you know girl dogs hump legs? Educational too

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Thanks for listening. I hope you're not here for Daniel because Cream, old Cream, is on paternity leave. He's off having a child, isn't he? So for the remainder of the month, we're going to have Mark Nelson on. He's on fucking fine form on this episode. We had such a laugh talking about the dentist, talking about school bullies, talking about his trip to Butlins, talking about weird medical conditions,

talking about girl dogs humping legs. Did you know they do that? You're about to find out all about it in this episode. I feel like this episode was packed. And not only that, we brought back the dad jokes. So enjoy all of it. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins.

Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles

Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglopedia Where have you been since 9-11? Alright, welcome to the Patreon edition of... Oh, it's not. It's the Monday edition. Is this the Monday one?

Fucking hell, where's my header? Rain in all the fucking hot goss you are about to drop for the patrons. This is public. All the exclusive shit. Put your phone voice on, Mark. You're at your grandparents' house. No swearing. This is the one where you get complaints.

This is the one Sarah Pascoe listens to. It's my New Year's resolution not to talk about it. I'm completely over it. Do you ever get complaints? No, just in her book right just when just when

she quoted verbatim yeah what was that on the podcast I think anything try not to watch me words now anything quoted verbatim

never comes out good yeah there was no arguing with it really so you've been away for the weekend You've actually been on the road Aye

Aye Proper touring I felt like a proper touring comic Aye This weekend Good It was good man Because we did

I did I did Butlins Yes Skegness Butlins You're going to love that I'd done the launch gig of that one Yeah And I was like

Oh this is going to be a disaster But it's fucking insane like that right because when i got there because i've never i've never been to skegness in my life and uh when i got there i just assumed it would be like i don't know like 40 people or something on a sunday afternoon and then i turned up and it's this arena like just huge huge arena like i said at the start i felt like i was warming up for the darts you know like it was just this and there was like a bit 600 people all all wrecked i'll cheat on that fucking family all the families are back home oh just a nice drink with the boys isn't it Yeah yeah But aye

Just insane And I think they were saying Like we were the only entertainment That was on That day So just everybody Hung

Proper hungover as well When we were doing it The previous act That was on in that room Before us Because all the like Kind of show running Times and stuff

But backstage Was a tomah kitten No And I couldn't stop Matt Reed sniffing the toilet before us because all the like kind of show running times and stuff but backstage was a tomah kitten no and I couldn't stop Matt Reid sniffing the toilet he was licking the toilet seats he took one of them off he's took it home

I want to tell you quote this verbatim Matt Reid has the toilet seats from Skickness Butlins hanging up in his living room from a Tom and

Kitten girl sitting on it shiting shiting he licks them every

day as part of his morning routine after he brushes his teeth he brushes

his teeth and then licks Kerry Katona's toilet seat arguably she probably wasn't there of all the ones she would have been brushes his teeth and then licks Kerry Katona's toilet seat arguably she probably wasn't there of all the ones

she would have been she was the first iteration of Atomic Kitten aye so I don't even know the other one's names oh is it like

is that fucking is that me dog scratching at the door she can hear me attacking I think so luckily we've got a good road cast down I can't see what the

army is doing so it's just us that will have to put up with it. Poor Peggy. She's like, who else would there be attacking me if it's not me?

That's what happens every time I'm on the phone. I could be sat in the living room, right? She'll be just chilling in the kitchen with her Kong. Kong's one of them little like fucking, like,

like a hollowed out kind of bouncy ball. Right. That's like you're filled with dog food and kibble. All right. Just to get it. So it's tantric and it keeps them busy for a while.

All right. So it's like a problem solving thing for them that they need to get the food out. Aye, like the same way a tin of Pringles is a problem for us when it gets down to the last few. Aye. It's not that big a problem. No.

It's not really solvable. But just an awkward way of eating. What is it called? A Kong? Kong. I think that's the brand of it. Aye. Does's not that big a problem. No. It's really solvable. But just an awkward way of eating. What is it called? A Kong? Kong. I think that's the brand of it. Aye. Aye.

Does she have toys? Fucking mate. I can't get moved for her toys. Really? What I try to do, because people buy toys as gifts, which is fucking lush, because she gets bored of stuff quickly,

so you give her a new one and she's like, I'll allow that for half an hour. So I try and keep her basket of them and swap them out so it keeps her interest, but not all over the floor. But the swapping part keeps catches off guard.

Cause I'll grab something and give it to her. And then like, she'll take it off somewhere. And like there's toys all over the house. And see, there's a female dog. They don't shack people's legs. They absolutely shack people's legs.

They still do. Do they? Cause I thought it might just be male dogs because they're the ones that are actually doing the I've got a level with you right

for a little while I thought we'd misgendered my dog right then we had a boy dog with a tiny penis because

if we're in a fanny she's got like this kind of tuft of hair right that like I'm not about to I'm not about to

start trimming her fanny hair no it's not who I am I'm not about to I'm not about to start trimming her fanny hair no it's not who I am I'm not about to start vajazzling me carpet poo vajazzling me carpet poo that's the title of the podcast

I always look for the title when I'm attacking but I'm not about to trim that but I was like I wonder if there's a tiny cock underneath that little tuft of hair that nobody's that the breed

I didn't notice because she keeps humping stuff and it's normally like if she's like super excited or like she's like

she's amped up she has this like moment where like she'll be like subdued like not subdued but just like a puppy for the majority of the day

and then half an hour where her tongue just hangs out of her mouth and her eyes are a bit wider and she's feral yeah i mean she's just like she lost her shit yeah she's just like she forgets her name yeah she's just like fucking aloe or the shop she's like fucking who wants a fight she's a proper wideo she's a proper wideo and she gets that right and eh every now and again when she's in that mood she starts like humping her leg but eh

she's got this snuggle pup that we got her that was like the cutest thing it's got like we talked about it when I first got Peggy

on the podcast eh it's got like this little heartbeat so when she gets separated from her litter initially you put it in a crate

with her right okay and it just gives the feeling of like companionship ah right right right right she's just built a fucking love hate relationship with her cunt like yeah I bought it like Right, okay. And it just gives the feeling of, like, companionship. Ah, right. Right, right, right, right.

She's just built a fucking love-hate relationship with that cunt, like. Yeah. I bought it, like, oh, this is the most adorable thing. It brings a tear to me eyes. And you look, oh, at one minute, she's fucking ragdolling it, bashing it ruined. I hate you because I love you.

Next minute, she's shagging the arse off it. Like, how'd I peg you? Not now, I'm actually peg cunts. That's not even my jokeunts That's not even my joke That's not even my joke That was someone on Instagram I posted a video of her Shagging snuggled pup

Which was like I can see why you called her piggy So what was Like What was under the tuft of hair? Do you want to get in? Have a look live on the podcast It's not clitoris is it? I think Do female dogs have clitoris? Definitely What was under the tuft of hair? Do you want to get in and have a look live on the podcast?

It's not clitoris, is it? Do female dogs have clitoris? I don't know if other animals have clitoris. It's one of the only parts of our that I didn't pet, just in case. Just in case. Although fucking Natalie this morning fucking thought I was making an appropriate noises with my dog. Because I've joined a new gym, right? And I got back in a bit hit

the ground running as if i'd never stopped going to the gym and obviously you can't do that you've got to take it easy i'm nearly 40 now you've got to ease yourself back into the gym yeah i just banged in deadlifts didn't warm up properly trying to be fucking as heavy as i could and felt a twinge in my back it didn't go but i was like your Session ends new yeah self-preservation and my back's just been like not it doesn't feel like it's like

it's gone but it's like really bruised yeah like I've had a it's a bin barking at the bin man hi fucking

honestly he's spent so much fucking money on the good equipment for this podcast now he has me dog barking at the bin man he doesn't need to get up from it you need a fucking you need a studio so i put me back and um i'm fucking out i'm one of them guys mark where i kiss me dog right not

not on the mouth no i'm like not tongue on tongue yeah right but like just where our lips end here and our cheek starts she's got this little patch of cheek on her eye and i always like smack a kiss on her cheek and she goes like kind of she like lets it happen with her eyes like wide open like i don't know what's happening but i'm not against it yeah yeah she just freezes up when you do it so when she's got a hyper it's like a little fucking door sale switch where you're like right she's thinking herself i'm gonna fucking ruin that thing after this is over. She's putting the spank back and she's going to shag the arse off, snuggle up.

But because I've done me back, I let out a bit of a groan when I went into it and then started digging the wah, wah, wah. But Natalie heard it. It was like a sex noise. Ugh. And she was like a sex noise. And she was like, Kai, you've got to stop being sexual with a dog.

And I was like, you're sexualised? It's the most fucking instant thing in the world. She was like, you're letting out groans. Like, this was her words. You're letting out groans. Like you're setting the atmosphere. The atmosphere. you're letting out groans like you're sitting in the atmosphere the atmosphere as if you'd lit candles fucking Barry White on

I mean to be fair to be fair to that I think if anyone walked in a room and found someone kissing a dog and then going like you go is she going to fuck that dog and then the dog just starts opening

aye so here's another question right this is remarkable a little I know about dogs see male dogs when they shag your leg do they come I don't know that's a worry because that would be Remarkable little I know about dogs. See male dogs when they shag your leg. Do they cum? I don't know. That's a worry.

Because that would be... Because I've had dogs... But that would be a game changer for me. That would be like a line... I couldn't have a dog cum on my leg. That would be proper fucking disgusting. It would be very on brand. Mark, that would be so on brand for a dog

a dog to just come up and jizz all over your new suit just before you went on a skick nest butlins my only ever TV appearance was that stain in your leg a fucking dog outside jizzed on me

I don't me. I don't know what Peggy gets out of it. I don't know if she gets anything out of it. It's just like a primal thing. I think it's like attention seeking or like trying to assert dominance. Aye. Which I think is like, maybe that's why she does it to Natalie more than she does with me. Yeah. Because Natalie's a bit more of to Natalie more than she does with me. Yeah. Because Natalie's a bit more of a pushover, however.

Right. Like, you know, for me, if she does this thing where she's, like, fucking barking at her own paws, I don't know what that's all about. But if you try and stop her or try and pet her, she'll, like, go and put her mouth on you. And it's not a bait, but it's something that you need to get out of her because that puppy mouth can escalate the baiting

even though that was late on me if she did that to the kid whose skin's a bit softer who may pull away and tear away

that's the fucking end of Peggy's life right I put to it from just a pre-reaction so you've got to fucking stop that

immediately so if she ever puts her mouth on us I'll fucking pick her up and I'll put her out of the room and I'll put her on time out just so she knows that there's an instant cause

and effect on that happening and um natalie's a bit more like casual like not casual that she wouldn't let her bite but like she'll be ah ah and i'm like a bit more like when you put her out the room and put her on like time out does she recognize that like does she go all sheepish and like does she know she's done shit wrong the bitch um she'll she'll scratch at the door a little bit and then she'll just fuck off and do her own thing and then after she's doing her own thing i don't know after the moment it's gone i honestly different i'm learning as i go i've never had a dog before i'm probably making a bunch of mistakes on it i'm probably making a killer i do find that though you know

um when she was mouthing a lot more whatever I'm thinking is working because she's getting loads better she used to mouth quite a bit

but then again she was teething and knew I knew teeth dogs teeth do you know that no I didn't know that so they have baby teeth

and then alright do they fall out oh mate I felt like a fucking abuser I was playing like a little rag doll

with our little dinosaur toy fucking one of our bigger teeth like the kind of the canines aye just fucking fired Oh, mate, I felt like a fucking abuser. I was playing like a little ragdoll with our little dinosaur toy. Fucking one of our bigger teeth, like the kind of... The canines. Aye, just fucking fired across the floor. And I was like, fuck, I hope that was an old one and not one of the new ones. You don't have to shave, Mark,

until you've pulled a fucking puppy's teeth. No, no. Not the finest hour, I tell you. I just wish I didn't like it, you know. I'm going to have to move on to bigger things now. See, when you were young, how much did you get for the tooth fairy? A quid. Aye, I was like... it's like, hang on.

Aye, I thought it was out of the golden red. Five are standard now. Five are? A five are aye. Five are a tooth? Five are a tooth, aye. So, how many teeth? Paper.

Paper, aye. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're waiting on paper for a tooth. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know if that is a standard, that's just. That's a standard for birth. I think, I think the first. You used to get that in the car Yeah you did

But you used to I think Fucking Rishi Sunak If it isn't the energy prices Rishi's fucking ramping up the price The price of teeth It might be It might not be

I think the first time I had to do it Was I didn't have any coins So I think it might be That a fiver was all I want to have And then once you've given The first

A fiver Then that's it Set now That's the standard Ah yeah Fucking Because I've got I've got God kids

In abundance right I've mentioned this before I mean I've got I've got a five a side team With subs now I've got rolling've got a 5SA team with subs new I've got rolling subs on the fives

you know because I've got my 6th squad kid and I used to because when I was 3 I used to get over 20 quid

right and then when it started ramping up and I ended up with 5 it's the only reason I didn't become 6 when I ramped up to 5 I was like

is I getting a tenner new? Yeah. I changed it to a tenner, especially how the girls were a bit more like, probably weren't as expecting. A couple of them are working, you know.

Aye. And then, and then I just say, after having like a decent tour there, the first one's birth to come around and I whapped a 20 in and then I was like, what have you done?

Aye. Because that's all of them new. No, I know, I know, I know. You've got to fucking, that's me year. I laid out the fucking economy know, I know, I know. You've got to fucking... That's my year.

I laid out the fucking economy for my year and the first birthday card. I was like, fuck it. You have to factor in your tax at the end of the year. I am absolutely fucked, dude. Price of car insurance. I don't know. I don't think we've got godparents.

You don't. For our kids. Apparently, I do. I got christened. My godparents you don't for our kids apparently I do I got christened by my god my godparents didn't bother with me aye I've never met them

have you never met them nah fuck nah I don't think they give I don't think they I don't even think they pray for us Mark what you meant to pray for them

are you see I we haven't had any it's half me morning that six of them fucking I've got a I've got a chapel I've got a chapel I've got a chapel

At the back Fucking Going to cause it Yeah we didn't We didn't get our kids Christened Or baptised at all Yeah

I find that Fucking I've been to them I find it weird So There was one I went to I'll not mention names right

But it was in Glasgow And he was taking a religion Quite seriously On easier parts right And the person who Were getting their kid Christened One, I went there. I'll not mention names, right, but it was in Glasgow. And it's technically a religion, quite seriously, but in easier parts, right? And the person who were getting their kid christened wanted to book it into this specific church because that's where all the family go. It was like where they were christened

and it's the family church, right? But because they've moved to another part of Glasgow, they took the booking and all that and they took the money and then they were just like, oh, the christened won't count because you aren't in the catchment area for this church. You get the proper christenening on this catchment area. And by some fucking way, we had bureaucracy done the pseudo-ceremony.

You know, like when I got married in Ibiza, that was Natalie Hayter's calling us this, but that was the veneer of the ceremony. Yeah. The real fucking, the ceremony that counted was just four of us in a registry office in East London. Yeah, exactly. The legal shit, yeah. S counted was just four of us in a registry office in East London. The legal shit, yeah. Signing a bit of paper, right?

We didn't tell anybody about that because we didn't want to deflect from what was going to be seen in the eyes of our friends and family as the day to remember that we said our vows to each other. So they were like, pretty much, you can have the christen here, but it's not going to count as a christen. You're going to have to go out to the other church and dig it there and I was like

how fucking evil are these priests or vicars or whatever right how evil are priests are they other fucking if they truly believe in their faith in the bullshit that they're spouting right

they think that baby's not going to have a passage into heaven and that baby is going to burn for eternity, fire and brimstones and hell, right? And they're just blase about it, going, oh, you've got to go out to that catchment area. Yeah, I know, I know. Imagine you're fucking, like, you're bleeding out, you're being shot and you come to the hospital

and they're just like, oh, this isn't your hospital, you're going to have to go out to another one. But have a conscience, this person's bleeding out, they're going to die, right? There and there, you've got to go out to the hospital and they're saying oh this isn't your hospital you're gonna have to go out of another one yeah but have a conscience this person's bleeding out they're gonna die right then they've got to go to the other one you're like you either don't believe in any of the shit that you're saying or you do believe in it and you're a pure evil arsehole cunt that's gonna risk this child going to hell and being raped by the devil exactly because of an admin thing because of bureaucracy because of a bit of red tape

but you've got to take the money for the fucking the service that'd be so so fucking gutting if there is an afterlife and you're trying

to get into heaven and there's a guy just standing there looking through your file going you've got a problem here I think you'll find your postcode

was this you should have been you should have been in a different chair and that God's omnipotent A bit of a problem here. I think you'll find your postcode was this. Aye, you should have been in a different chair. And that God's omnipotent. He's got a fucking schedule like the bin man. He's got to be in different streets on different days. I find it all because, like, I've been to, like,

what's the other thing they do? Is it Holy Communion? What is that thing? that's where they give you like that's the wee biscuit the tiny little biscuit yeah and a little bit of wine aye

do they give you wine aye because that's that's the blood of Christ they used to do that when I was in school because I moved to a Catholic school but like

the last year of school not because it was Catholic just that's why like all my mates that are playing football weren't I had to move school aye like I had to out a bully just just briefly right

i was getting in fact you know what we can we can do this we can do this story again because i think it's been like very early early podcast when i tell this story right but there was this lad called andrew winters who was the year above me in school and he and his mates got me and my friend to have a fight with each other and if we didn't fight each other they'd bat our bulls right like did you go to school in a prison the school doesn't even exist anymore it's been raised to the ground this is ridley high school right i right I just joined the school fucking these lads got so we had the shittest fight

you've ever seen in your life because we didn't want to hurt each other so we're just like you know like failing hands

like elbows tucked in putting no hips into the punches fighting like Tyrannosaurus Rexes I mean that makes it sound

like it's good but the hands think of the hands, not the mouth. We weren't biting each other. All right, well, fuck it, for the sake of it, we'll bite each other. And the lads were on to her, and they just went, making a foddle to you.

Jesus Christ. And then my mate chinned us, and that was the last response of each other again. Fucking hell. Didn't really talk after that. It's hard to keep that friendship going. So was it just these two lads watching you fight? It was like a handful of them.

Put some effort into it. And I remember this lad was like, he had a goatee beard, right? And I remember at the time thinking he looked like a man and he looked fucking odd. How old were you? I was, yeah, nine and he was like, yeah, yeah 11 or something so there's two years in between where what what year did you finish school like 15 16 so i would have been 13 and they would have been like 15 i need the goatee

beer i remember that being fucking mind-blowing because i just come into middle school and that was this fucking man but like i bet you if you saw him now, like, that fucking goat, he'd be at 15 and you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking dork.

Look at that absolute fucking nate. Now you wonder, he's a brilliant cunt who looks like a fucking bellend. You say, of course he's insecure. Have you seen him? A fucking goat.

It's the fact that it's a goatee beard as well. It's not even like, it's a shaped goatee beard I am the fucking heat of the George Michael 90s oh Jesus so I fucking I went ahead and fucking

tell the teachers I put them I was fucking bubbling my eyes out and I was bleeding from the mouth and that and I tell the teachers what happened as soon as I asked I just tell them and mouth and that, and I tell the teachers what happened, as soon as I asked, I just tell them, and fucking,

he obviously got dealt with by the teachers, and then, and then I fucking, I got kicked out of class, and I'm trying to remember what it was, that got us kicked, it was in IT, and I think it was something like,

it was something, like I was looking up, like, pictures of Jenny McCarthyny mccarthy what's a 90s reference this is what it was right i was looking up pictures of jenny mccarthy and uh me mate come along and fucking press control and p or whatever i can't imagine what it was it was something about the fucking something inappropriate coming out of the printer on the other teacher's desk

and this was like the introduction of computers into schools it's like fucking pretty early doors internet into school anyway

you had the BBC ones early doors internet in schools and em I get fucking I get turfed out the class and I'm stood out the class and I see him through the window Out the class And I'm stood Out the class And I see him

Through the window Of the class opposite What fucking David Brent David David Brent's there Fucking Morton Ellie

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton

Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Morton Picks, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, Piss, And then fucking swashbuckles his way out of the cleats. He has to teach Avian for a piss, right? And he fucking comes and fucking picks me up and pins us up against the wall. Jesus. And he fucking pins us there

and I legit pissed me pants. I legit pissed me pants, man. I pissed him in the pants. So fucking, when I went back into class, like, I'm ginger on, so everyone just thought that's how I smelled. They had questioned that I smell like piss guys come in

ammonia someone eating sugar puffs in here who's eating asparagus so yeah I fucking tell the last in my class right

I'll not use I'll not use names here right but I tell this lass In my class Right Erm I'll not use I'll not use names here Right But I tell this lass In my class Who was like Kind of hot

Right Which was like Good mates Like me and her And this other Like nice lass Whose daughter Listens to the podcast

Daughter A son He's going to love that Whose son listens to the podcast Right I'll just use their names Fuck it Tracy and Jill

Right And I was good mates With them right Even though like like they were like hot lasses in my school right you you smell the piss but i smell the piss and i guess i wasn't a threat you know what i mean like lads were trying to hit on them and i was just like so not in a chance that they're just like here's my pal and we used to write like jokey poems and all that like the shaggy dolls instead of the raggy dolls in fact there was the shaggy we used to write like parody poems i'm fucking glad this guy's bullying you now we used to write poems i'd love to find that book of poems man it would be fucking so funny if that

showed up hey we used to like they roast poems of like people in my class right and uh we used to just when one because we went middle school together so I still knew them in high school right but when we were in middle school me and Tracy went to the fucking school nurse

and told the school nurse that she was pregnant with my baby and that was like ridiculous because she was one of the hotter girls in school the more popular

girls in school and I looked like have you seen pictures of me when I was in school yeah fucking big glasses and that massive teeth

ginger hair like fucking gelled in a little lane before fuck man like uh that must have been some laugh for the nurse guy anyway we did that as a joke to the nurse but we jinxed it because our son who's probably listened to this is like 21 or 22 like however old he would be for her to be a teenage pregnancy. Aye. She was a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I tell these lasses what had happened to us, right? And one of the lasses

was going out with this lad from sixth form, which in hindsight, bit of a nonce. In hindsight. Let's just call him adam johnson good good lad but you're not looking back on it now all of us are gone it's a different time but it's a different time so she told her boyfriend and uh after school one day this lad kicked the living fuck Udo Winters really for taking that of us

wow and I just watched on like fucking you know the scene from Friday where Chris Tucker whacks up the

Deebo and he's like you got knocked the fuck out yeah you know that scene

aye fuck man that was is it the time of fucking Friday was my favourite film

aye I got to live the fucking best amazing man that's fucking class So the guy Goaty guy never bothered you ever again after that?

Fuck me I was untouchable for the rest of that school Wow So you You were getting protected by a non-Sysco This was a prison Guy I got absolutely protected by your nonsense.

You know what? Now I think about it just to keep me to jail. Not that it will. I think we're in year 10 because it was the next year. Oh, no, maybe. Yeah.

Here is out. I finished year nine and 10 in Ridley high school. It's hard to piece it together. I finished year nine and 10 in Ridley High School. We taught a piece of together. I finished year nine and ten. And then this lad, he finished his sixth form. He was done. He was leaving the school completely. So you'd be 17, 18?

Aye. Aye. I mean, I'm no Rishi Sunak but doing the maths here like crunch crunch crunch crunch in the numbers

yeah look I'm not controlling what he's doing but I am going to take his help when I oh aye aye he was

he was leaving the school that's what I always say it's better maybe he was spinning his eye hole next to the little guy it's better I have a nonce

and not need one than need a nonce and not have one. I'm dying. This is the public episode, Mark. Right. So he was leaving the school and I was like,

we have got to go now. My time's up here. Like, your protection's ran out I'm not under warning anymore yeah I've got to get the

fuck out of Dodge aye and I started playing football on the weekends with these lads so that's when you went to the Catholic school

the Catholic school I was just like I know where I'll get protected by nonces I know where there's nonces in abundance yeah you're looking for nonces mate know where there's nonces in abundance yeah you're hunting

for nonces mate try the catholics go I tried saint willies it was called saint willies it was called

saint willies no it wasn't saint wilfris it was saint benedict benedict benedict

benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict

benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict benedict St. Benny's it was So I went to St. Benedict's And I Lived out my fucking

Witness protection Lived out my witness protection In a different school And back to the point They had mass They had like every new and again They'd have mass Aye

Now would they give the kids wine? Nah Is that how they did? I don't think that Is that how they get them To wine? Nah I don't think that's Is that how they do it? I don't think that's Is that how they get them to keep secrets? I think I think That would make them talk

Because they were pissed What a mistake that would be You know how chatty kids get After they've had a wine Because I went to a Catholic school as well A Catholic secondary school But again it was just because it was down the road And you get a lot of extra holidays

That a non-denominational school would get You get like Ash Wednesday off and shit like that Do you know I never remembered When they were You know how they get the ash On the forehead As hard as a folk going about with dirty foreheads And stuff Aye

Because I Like I didn't get involved While that shit When it was happening No neither did I Aye I would just be like Oh that's what the Vikings do

But we did pray before class Oh did you Aye aye I did it in advance Some of my god kids Got it in lieu So I didn't have to bob out I didn't have to bob out

When I'm an adult Aye And then I married Into a ranger's family in True Rebellion yeah do you still teach RE? do you have RE? religious education when you were at school

I remember getting bollocked in RE for being inappropriate about aboriginals you got bollocked for being on the computer and searching searching for pictures of Pamela Anderson I got bollocked and arry for watching the Pammy and Tommy Tommy Lee sex tape

you did no that's what I'm saying you did I'm not fucking no honestly right because I had this bit of homework where I had to do a little bit it was about all our cultures in our reign

I had to write something about aboriginals and I fucking forgot all about it and it was on the way to school I just started fucking jotting down just loads of just ignorant shit just making stuff up about aboriginals

I didn't even know what it was to be an Aborigine. I didn't know anything about Australia. I was a fucking, an ignorant child, right? And like, where they're like the birth of the internet. I didn't exactly sit and watch Discovery Channel at home. I didn't pick up the National Geographic and from through it. Like I knew fucking nothing apart from like,

I'd seen some pictures of them, I guess, around like wearing like kind of i don't know what the way loincloths loincloths i mean i'm doing it now i'm doing it now and i put something to put them wearing nappies i put something to put them wearing nappies and i got i got bollocked the way i should have got bollock got I got bollocked The way I should have Got bollocked Aye

I got bollocked As a child For being racist For being racist Aye And that's exactly What happened I don't know if that

Is racist I think it's just Being ignorant That's That's me fucking Teacher not doing a job Aye That's me teacher

Not telling me Anything about the fucking I guess it's an assignment I was I was doing my own research oh you definitely should have but I don't think I don't think making shit up about people because surely racism is

using stereotypes that already exist and you're just you're just taking on those stereotypes whether they're true or not whereas you were just making up random shit I was literally fucking freestyling on a scrap of paper

about aborigines and you fuck all about them and the only thing I do remember is that I said that they wear nappies well in adult life and that's the only thing

I can remember that I wrote and if if one thing could ever get us cancelled it's the year 11 or reassignment about aborigines

I can't wait till Sarah Pascoe writes a book about your REs your Aboriginal RE and you're not like fucking because I've been

out in Australia and like went to the fucking museums and shit and even though I'm not really I'm not regaling much about it now

none of it's stuck like now when I like realise how fucking heinous just the ignorance towards the whole culture was as a child like makes you squirm a bit but you're fucking you're okay see i don't i generally don't think that i don't think if you're just making shit up because you've been lazy as racism like if you were to suddenly go like tell you one thing about the french they never eat a twix you like go what like it's not racist it's not you're just like i don't know

i don't fuck all about the french oh what was it you know ari madison have you ever met him the stonian comic no he's been on the podcast like fairly recently like when we've done the european tour uh he just like goes on like uh ginger ginger people have always got dirty feet and I was like where the fuck have you pulled this from and he was like yeah ginger girls they've always ginger women they've always got dirty feet from just like I don't know running through the forest

they've always got dirty feet because they're always running away from the sunlight constantly trying to find a shadow They've always got dirty feet because they're always running away from the sunlight. Constantly trying to find a shadow. Like when we'd done Tea in the Park, the Calvin Harris was on. Yeah. Will Smith rocked it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember doing the comedy tent and it was the sunniest summer on record in Scotland and the comedy tent was just full of gingers trying to survive. It was full, it was pretty empty but the people that were in were just gingers

getting out the sun it was just a sea of dirty feet dirty feet having ginger barefooted ginger hobbits oh man oh man

imagine being held accountable for things that you said and done when you were a kid oh fuck like holy fuck man like

just having to put your hand up you know like they're just quoting it back to you as if like it was you as an adult as a 40 year old person sitting there now and it all got quoted back to you

like you say a fucking verbatim when it was in someone's book yeah and you just had to hear the trial oh god of how of the stuff you said

and did as a child yeah as a teen I wonder what what do you think the cut off age is for when you have to actually take responsibility

or like like cancellation juvie yeah yeah what's just juvie for cancel culture

like nah yeah mate you were you were 24 when you said that exactly mate you're you're 24 when you say that exactly yeah fuck you fuck you shit even stuff from the early 20s was probably reprehensible yeah have you ever looked back at old tweets and shit like that you know what the uh the facebook

memories that pop up you can always tell when it was an old one. Yeah. Because it will have is. Yeah. Because it blocked in the is. Yeah. So really good that the carbon dated with that. Yeah. Right. But everything that I've ever said that comes up on the memories with an is

is just straight, direct, do not pass go into muggle corner. Aye. It's not even that it's horrendous and like racist, homophobic.

It's not like derogatory bigoted. It's justophobic. It's not derogatory, bigoted. It's just fucking lame, cringeworthy pish. And it makes it worse because it is that it is. And it makes it worse because... Remember the start of Facebook, you would talk about yourself in the third person? Yeah, I do. You're prompted to.

And it just reads so cringey. You're just like, my God, who the fuck did i think i am in the facebook memory doesn't lock in the ears it's just there as part of the yeah it's part of the post yeah mark nelson hopes that who the fuck are you talking about you you you hope not mark nelson hopes jesus all right but we were like everything was novel with that because when was it 2007 I probably

I don't even know when Facebook started everything was novel like I used to I used to just open chats with people like not like DMs

like not like chatting up girls although I probably wasn't like probably was doing a bit of that too but like you know if somebody

was on Facebook and I saw that they were on I'd just start chatting to them. Oh, yeah? Because we went straight from MSN to Facebook and I would sit down at the desktop. I didn't have it on my phone. I had it on the desktop. And I'd like, I suppose we had MySpace in between that as well.

And I'm like, oh, it's got this chat function who's online. And I'd just be like, hi, how are you doing? What are you up to? And I'd just use it as a fucking chat room. No, if you just went on and I saw like, don't know like ryan cullen's online and i was just like hi ryan what you up to yeah yeah what's this yeah what's up what you up to like what's happening here you're just sparking a conversation with the blue with no substance. What's the weather like at your end?

I remember even pre-MSN, right, when I was an air cadet, as a bullied pre-teen, air cadets as a bullied preteen um who had a radio where you could tune in and radio other stations of other air cadets and you had to use like so we'd learn all the phonetic alphabet oh my god and it would always be like you would make comments with someone and then you just ask shit about like how's your connection what's the weather like but it was that like basic stuff on the like fucking radio channel did you have that because it's similar to that did you have that a period i remember i was talking to another comic with this you've a period where cb radios were massive oh when you used to listen to cops for like a summer and everyone had a fucking cb

radio and you would be able to tune out the police channels and the fire brigade and stuff like that when i because i used to spend all like every weekend at my granddad's house and a couple of my pals that like stayed at their grandparents so there was like me and my brother and these two brothers we used to fucking knock around all the time i'd completely lost touch with them i'd love to see them again yeah because you're not growing up we're like best pals but then just like I stopped staying at your grandad's

because I grew up they stopped staying at theirs and like nobody had mobile phones there but like all the way through childhood

hung around with these kids and every time we went into theirs for a glass of water or whatever a glass of juice their grandad was like

tuned into the cops was he he was always tuned in what was he up to man the mastermind behind a fucking bank job. Fuck that, but he always had the fucking, any comms that were coming through cops' radio stations

were buzzing out of his back room. Wow. Jesus. I wonder if he was just an ex-cop. Might have been that. Aye. Just kind of like out of the job. But it was never, I mean, I never had one or never did it, but I remember being around guys that did have the job. But it was never I mean I never had one

or never did it but I remember being round at guys that did have it and they thought it was the coolest shit but it was never interesting.

Nah. You were never you were never you were never tuning in and suddenly there was a fucking mass shooting

in Dumfries you know it's always like It wasn't like the fucking the one the one Paul Walker film that isn't

Fast and Furious Called Roadkill Where Candy Cane Hey Candy Cane Like come in rusty nail Yes What could go wrong here What could go wrong here

Candy Cane Rusty nail Rusty nail. The fact that Paul Walker was in a film called Roadkill makes me laugh as well. Oh my God. Fast and Furious in Roadkill. If only there was a warning.

What's your new project, Paul? It's called burning wreckage aye aye scrape me off the road scrape me off the road five none of this is foreshadowing at all fucking hell the prophecy

Jesus wept rusty nail Jesus wept Rusty nail You would never talk to anyone called himself Rusty nail No good relationship is going to come Of someone with rusty nail Septic chisel I just got back from the dentist

Before we got here Aye And I had a scale and polish You getting one of them done? Nah It's basically an archaeological dig on your teeth So do they just scrape all the plaque off and shit? Aye, they get right in amongst it

It pinches a little bit Because they get right in it It comes and all that And they dig it out But Well, it's a team effort Right You know that? and shit aye they get right in amongst it it pinches a little bit because they get right in it it comes and all that and they dig it out but well it's a team effort right you know that

like they get in fucking I don't know someone gives you one of these they're both like tugging at your cheeks and that I think it's hard to tell

you've got your goggles on you're looking up into the light and one of them's got like a I guess like a hose because like you're drooling

all over yourself oh yeah they be sucker yeah just sucks up all the drool yeah drool sucker yeah and there's loads of just like chips of plaque and man i couldn't

help but like because i i've got like i've had my nose broken a fair few times fights rugby football the fucking works it's had a fucking good scene yeah i mean i written a good half a dozen hits good half a dozen clean hits right a couple of good breaks in amongst that i can only breathe with one nostril so i'm a fucking i'm a default mouth breather i had to really mindfully breathe through my nose we won maybe one little fucking cork root like the suez canal i started having placebo cork eyes from the last time i used my nostrils um what so see when it's even the bits of plaque are chipping off do you hear that like rattling up it's like spraying all over your goggles and it rattles up the soup and it's like you can

you're talking you're trying to keep your tongue still. I'm mindfully trying to keep my tongue still, but it kind of helped by moving a little bit and you can feel the lumps and chunks in there. And without any, my body wasn't given permission. I didn't purposefully do it, but I kept just going.

And he's like, I wouldn't drink that. Oh, God. That's going to rip me off. Stop it. That's going to be a brutal one I'm about to bite me own arse

hole from the inside have you ever had your ears syringed aye that's class fucking mate the pull of the conker

aye it's I love it man aye it was it was his Everest yeah when he did it

because you know one of my ears popped it was coming in to land it was like altitude festival Everest yeah when he did it because you know one of me has popped I was coming in land it was like altitude festival coming in land

right yeah popped you know with the airplane and I went a full two and it didn't

unpop oh god that's a nightmare as well I felt you were bombing to that side of the room yeah

you can't because you can't you can't deliver jokes and you can't because your balance is all off as well

you can't walk should I see me snowboarding aye fucks you it's not a gig it puts you off like you're just

constantly like it knocks your confidence yeah so he fucking gets in and he's trying he's trying to get it out and he's like I don't want to hurt you

by like pulling it out and he's like he was dropping oil in and he's like if I put too much in it'll turn into mush aye and he was like I might have to get you to come back I might have to like pulling it out and he was like he was dropping oil in and he was like if I put too much in it'll turn into mush and he was like I might have to get you

to come back I might have to like loosen it and then get you to come back in a later day and he was like fucking Meryl is Everest he pulled it out

I wish I'd kept it man and had like a fucking little museum was it proper solid it was rock solid seemed to have like bits of hair in it and that

like it was a Cronenberg it had like he was sucking his thumb had a little corn tell him that right there was a Kronenberg. It had like, he was sucking his thumb. I've got a good corn. Tell him that, right? There was a guy I used to work with. I used to work in the warehouse at Topshop.

Right? It was one of my first jobs. And the guy I worked with had a, he had a thing, right? Like, his belly button, right? There used to be like this hair that came out of it. that's weird but it wasn't like a wasn't the kind of hair you would get in your chest or your belly it was this really coarse like almost horse-like hair like really rough like a cow

yeah yeah like yeah like like really thick eye i don't know proper like matted kind of like really rough single hair coming out right and he used to muck about with this thing right and he's telling us one day he was just mucking about with it lying on his back in his bed and walking about with it and he pulled it and the fucking thing came out right and what came out was like this long thing about this that went right in his belly and it was all this matted up hair and blood and shit like that and he says he's never smelled anything like it in his life and it must have been like some umbilical cord bit left over and he just fucking was like just this disgusted thing that and I was like Jesus That's horrible Yeah I remember Growing up

My brother had this Fucking corned beef thing And he'd spend it A bit of corned beef That's what he used to call it Corned beef He'd say When are you going to finish that

He'd keep that for later And I didn't know What happened I didn't Because you know As a kid You didn't really Pay that much attention

To shit Like I see pictures Of him I've been on beaches With him now It's just not there kid you didn't really pay that much attention to shit like I see pictures of him like I've been on beaches with him and all that and it's just not there and even after

he just took it upon himself to get up and rate it on if it was just a wart and it fell off I'm going to have to write a note

ask Garv what that corned beef was because this was literally the first time I thought of it in about

30 years about 30 years I haven't thought of putting Garv's belly button for corned beef I must ask him about Gav's belly button corned beef I must ask him about that shall we get him

on the blow on who aye for him shall we get him on the blow on who fucking how it Gav tell us about your belly button

corned beef yeah let's make sure this is on oh hold on. It's not coming through. Hold on, I need to connect this to the Bluetooth. Oh, it was yesterday when I'd done the settings. Broadcaster, there it is.

There we go, and it's connected is it connected then yeah sorry about this guys right let's that's coming through that's coming through

let's just give it a bit of he's a crafter now he's a he's a sparking by trade cab so you know what he'll be fucking up with the eyes

and dust new pulling a while he'll take and rewire a hoose and he'll be like fucking taking his goggles off and fucking putting

his tools to use taking his gloves off his phone's fucking in the where the fuck is it Christ it's Kai in the middle of the day wonder what's up

oh shit something comes up he asks me bro he only rings if it's important like doesn't just ring for a chat

or kid fuck they're asking about his belly button fluff fluff let's let's not trivialise

it it was corned beef me one's had a fluff pie had I right look tune in on Thursday look look call it clickbait

call it clickbait for the fucking Patreon episode I'll have I'll have I'll have a full fucking dossier on Gav's Corned Beef

get photos as well try and get photos you know what I wonder if photos of that would exist because surely like Beach Holder

because we only had one Beach Holder as kids but there's bound to be a saying that one Ginger Ginger Kid

plus you wouldn't be able to Ginger Kid doesn't even get their top off on the beach like even if it was

that would be negligent we're in Portugal now like that would be worse than Maddie in Portugal now like that would be worse than Maddie it would have been

it's one thing leaving your kid at home while you're going for a drink it's another thing taking your ginger kid to the beach and taking the top off yeah

you wouldn't be able to zoom in on it anyway unless because it would be a polaroid so unless it would be a diverse picture unless your mum and dad

specifically went up to take a picture of the corned beef bit then you would probably you probably would be a polaroid so unless it would be a developed picture unless your mum and dad specifically went up to take a picture of the corned beef bit aye then you would probably you probably would be able to see it we'll never know aye

fuck aye you didn't you didn't you didn't document that sort of shit there nah what a waste it'd be weird

if they did though if your mum's got an album full of weird shit You had on your body Well they keep your teeth In all that Don't they Like do you keep the teeth

Of your kids when you Nah fuck that That's disgusting man Nah don't keep any teeth I think we brought us Ratt's tails somewhere In a fucking baby book Oh really aye

They had a plaited Like a plaited Ratt's tail on them Like a bogan Like a proper Proper good old fashioned Fucking Aussie redneck bogan Aye Yeah he had like a Plait like a proper proper good old fashioned fucking Aussie redneck bogan

aye he had like a plaited pig's tail thing rat's tail when he was you're young kid

a kid not a baby but like like run and run a nipper old enough to know it was raw old enough to know

what the fuck's this because I remember they tried to grow them on with both and I was just saying oh yeah guys I get bullied enough how many times

did you read this we saw it at school before I wouldn't even be able to run away because now they've got something to drag me back with the fuck are you going

then when I got out of school they're like oh there's that guy whose brother's got a fucking belly button called Beef and a fatty pig's tail maybe he's got a fucking belly button from the Fatty Pigs tale maybe he's got his

fucking belly button beef in a fucking album somewhere oh god oh jeez belly button beef that could also be the title of the podcast

so many titles alright so eh I was getting my teeth well that's called excavated so I was getting my teeth well let's call it excavated so I was getting my teeth

out of trouble and they started like because he was saying like it may pinch a bit it's been a couple of years since you've had it done and all that right

so like it may hurt when I'm near your gums so put your hand up if you need us to stop and then they started like talking to each other about the Ozark the Ozark

the Ozark I'm bad at that man you stupid old bastard I'm bad at the Ozark I'm bad at that man stupid old bastard I'm bad at the Ozark I'm bad at getting the names of things that I like

a little bit wrong it's such a boomer thing today they're talking about the Ozark on the Netflix mate I'm getting really bad at it

Gods of War Gods of War 4 Kino and the Spirit Quidge I've been fucking terrible at it there's records of us on this just digging it

like earnestly the Stuttgart would always suck and I was literally about to raise my hand and be

like it doesn't hurt but no spoilers I put them up for season three that's alright

I didn't go to the dentist for years which I imagine won't surprise many people you need to the dentist for years, which I imagine won't surprise many people. You need to go in for an estimate. You need to get scaffolded in.

Yeah, yours is a two-man job. Mine's an entire team. But I didn't go because when I was wee, I had to get root canal surgery once and this one back here. And it's honestly the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my life. Because I imagine like, well now, anaesthetics are a lot better,

but then it wasn't that great. And because it was down in one of the canals, they have to drill into the canals. It's this tiny, thin wee drill. And it goes right down and touches the nerve. And it was fucking agony. And I fainted. Like my dad was, I mean, i was maybe about 12 or something so my dad was driving me back and i fainted in the car park and he had

to carry me to the car and then i was like that so i hated it now i must have been older because then when i went you just traumatized yourself from it well when i went to when i went to uni and now i'm not i'm not loving my mom and dad anymore so I don't get made to go to the dentist so I just went oh fuck I'm not going I don't like them and then when I eventually did go back they said to me why have you not been for a while so to avoid that awkwardness of getting a row off I don't know why I get I get proper nervous and angsty if someone in that kind of position gives you a row for something like you could just go none of your fucking business what I'm talking about

but so I said that I'd had a really traumatic experience with a dentist previously you started crying and it was like what happened and I can't even remember what I said but I basically made it seem like I'd been abused by a dentist

when I was younger and never bothered to correct them so they're going away going the poor guy got buggered by like like it as if I'd woke up after being put out to find like footprints on the handlebars and this guy's just making me suck his dick while I've been out. Say ah. Oh my God. Fucking aye. So you don't go back to your dentist because he thinks you've been raved by your dentist.

I know what you people are like. My dentist's a podcast listener. Oh aye. Because I started listening I started talking about how I wanted to get my teeth straight and he was like I'll come to your practice

it's in Bridgeton yeah Bridgeton apparently I've been calling it Bridgeton Bridgeton which is Natalie's pointing out there's a big difference

between the BLM period drama yeah that's highly sexualised to the the Trainspotting period drama that is Bridgeton

there was someone Charlie said to me I'm on first name terms Charlie said to me I'm unfitting in terms of me Charlie said to me that he saw a woman huffing deodorant on his way

into work early doors on a Monday fucking pulling pulling a Lynx Africa from a hoodie old woman with about six hats on

do you remember do you remember the Glasgow stand Do you remember Yoda That used to work there Used to Ah he doesn't work there anymore Oh way no He was one of the casualties

Of the pandemic Fuck So he's never come back He was a fucking great guy Fuck Mental bastard I remember being in there one night And it was like the end of the festival

Or something And I was standing away I'm good at this Do you remember Mikey Adams Yes I It was a comic. A comic who's now like a fucking captain of a pirate ship and shit like that. Really? Genuinely, like genuine.

His job is he basically takes people's ships from place to place for them. So he's like a fucking captain on a galleon. Like it's amazing. It's the coast of West Africa. Yeah. So I remember we were pissed and like it's amazing to coast of West Africa yeah like eh so eh I remember we were

we were pissed and I had poppers so we were tanning we were tanning poppers on the stand and Yoda Yoda goes to us

what are you doing I'm like poppers do you want some and he went fucking poppers and then he reached back and got like this canister

of like methane gas gas you know the kind of things you need to pierce to get out and he did that and went like the kind of things you'd take camping and put on a fucking to cook the stove you're a mad bastard Calagas bottle Big blue bottle Twist of the dial on those arms Like fucking King of the hill Propane

Propane that was the word I was looking for Is that what he smuggles out of Mogadishu Smuggling propane out of Mogadishu smuggling propion out of Mogadishu just gets high on it and glads go on his time Jesus wept that's so funny when you haven't seen the guy in a while you should see him now he's a pirate

hoofed stove gas he literally gets high on stove gas He's on the carbon monoxide now In small doses It's a good laugh It can kill you in your sleep It's a silent good time in small doses Just doing lines of us bestos

I have a micro-d dust anthrax what make I'm still in the bit Mark I'm still in the bit we'll hit the cameras off and we'll talk about it for realsies

that's we've got one each new yeah you're like I could kick you in the ory for watching the the pami and pami

that's the worst when you say something in the bit and the person who gets you in the bed goes, really? And the bed shatters around you and you're being accused of something.

So just to put the record clear, I don't like rhodosanthrax. Your honour. That TV show's on Disney now. The Pammy and Tommy. I was going to say dope sick. I was talking about the drugs. Pammy and Tommy I was going to say dope sick I was talking about the drugs

Pammy and Tommy the Pammy hold on the Pammy and Tommy sex tapes on Disney no not like that shit

fuck man I mean the kids are going to get it anyway you know this that's like parents that go well they're going to drink on the streets

as soon as we let them drink in the house fucking put the porn on Disney yeah they're going to drink on the streets as soon as we let them drink in the house. Fucking put the poor on Disney. Yeah. They're going to wank anyway. We might as well show them the best. You might as well toss them off. There's a Palmin Tommy documentary.

No, it's not a documentary. It's a TV show. It's, what's the guy, the guy that plays Winter Soldier? Oh, fucking. Stan, Stan, is this Stan Smith? Someone's Stan. Like Jack Stan or something. Aye. TV show it's a what's the guy the guy that plays Winter Soldier oh fucking Stan Stan is this Stan Smith

someone Stan like Jack Stan or something Stan's his second name Sebastian Stan Sebastian Stan we've got there we've got there Stan Smith

couple of fucking couple of fucking middle aged guys scratching the inside of their brain for a name so he he plays Tommy Lee

and the actress Lily James plays Seth Rogen's in it as well aye and it's about the guys he's in most Rogen's in it as well aye and it's about the guys he's in most stuff let's be honest

yeah yeah yeah it's about the guys that steal the tape because they stole it from their house and then they didn't realise what they'd got and they basically

watched I've not watched it yet but I remember at the time so they found this fucking porno and they were like Jesus Christ we need to show everyone this

aye so that was like one of the first ever things on the internet did they make money off it yeah a fortune I think

did they the ones that had the tape or maybe maybe they didn't because I think maybe they intended to make a fortune

but then once it's online people then went well we can just download this and then suddenly it's everywhere there should be

some kind of like you know if somebody makes money because at the time like right let's put it it this you know like upskirting become a rule recently right and i was like i can't believe it's took this long yeah exactly to be a rule yeah and then it was that natalie's diagrams where the technology had to be a thing before it could be a rule you couldn't have the rule from upskirting in the fucking like 60s yeah when like there wasn't such a thing as like

you had to have like a big walk off camera yeah like it's impossible there's a guy sketching underneath so the technology

has to develop into a point where like you've got the camera in your hand and it's like yeah that's true for them to go oh like

it's a modern problem that has to be dealt with yeah that's true so like it had to be so at the time revenge porn wouldn't have been a thing until around about that era.

Yeah. And they were, like, the fucking money enough to have a camcorder. Yeah. So, like, revenge porn wouldn't have just been a day-to-day crime. Yeah. So this would have been, like, an early incidence of revenge porn and they've profited from what's essentially a heinous crime. Is it revenge porn, though?

Is it? It's only technicality, because revenge porn, if me and you shagged and I started fucking pumping the video around to people, that's revenge porn, right? But if Natalie started pumping around the video to people, like she stole the video, would that be revenge porn once removed? I see. That's a good point because

because they didn't want it released so so they were violated yeah they've been

violated and somebody profited from violating them so even though it's a different time back then they still got

paid for it they should be fucking give that money back they should be like yeah what he did back then that'll do paid for it they should be fucking give that money back yeah they should be like yeah what he did back then that was a

it's fucking class it's a weird one because you you know back dating crimes yeah like you know after just all of a sudden

made like alcohol illegal and then started DNA for technology being a drug abuser aye aye

and now that's on a completely different level but you know if something wasn't a law and then gets made a law, you're really opening a can of worms if you start fucking backdating.

I don't think they could. You might have to just leave the past in the past. Yeah. Is Garth coming back? Yes. Garth, mate? Oh.

Jay. Yeah. Jay, heads up, you're on the podcast. What, right now? You're live on the podcast right now with me and Mark Nelson. Hey, Gav. Yo, yo, yo. Yeah, mate, I don't mean to put you on the spot now.

It doesn't embarrass you. Sorry, mate. But what happened to the corned beef in your belly button? But what happened to the corned beef in your belly button? It's funny that's a memory that I haven't spoken to in a business call ever and ever and I've just recently been thinking about that, what happened to the belly button? Honestly, because Gav, I hadn't thought about it for years but we were talking about somebody finding something in their belly button when Mark was in school and I was like, fucking hell Gav, Gav had corned beef in his and then all of a sudden I've been on all the weather loads Mark

did you cut the umbilical for your bed no I didn't no I don't even I can't even remember that actually happening did it with his teeth

just gnawing away I cut the cord on Elad so I can only imagine that my dad did a proper fuck up of a job on mine. He gets off on the fucking scarf and he's like, it's alright, I've brought my own tools. He's got a garden shears. He's got a bread knife. So it was just a bit of your umbilical cord

I think so I think it was I think it was just a football job and then I remember going in and they froze it off

they put some like chemical fucking frost on wartner and it just dropped off it might have been that wartner stuff

that you used on me warts on me hand might have been that and then I think mum kept it in the jar I've not even I mentioned that could be the case

because she keeps she keeps teeth and she's got your rat's tail how macabre is that I think it was the Rees-Nicholson special I was watching

the other day how macabre it is that parents just keep fucking pissing you. That's me. Gav, see when you're cutting the umbilical cord, what do they give you? Do you know what it is? It was a set of shears,

but they're looked straight out of the foot by 1930s, like a proper industrial seller, she has. Oh, really? And is it tough? Is it an effort to do it? No, I sorry, yes, it was fucking tough.

I don't know. And blue, like a real damn deep blue colour as well. That's quite a big job to give somebody that's like the most fucked up emotional state of their life. I know. You just literally watched your partner going through hell,

this new child coming to the world, and then they're like fucking rolling their sleeves up like, clock in. Here's a pair of shears. I'd have put you on the spot as well. Like either I got jammed on the way out, so I had to hit the emergency button, and 12 of them flooded in, right?

It's like, I'm having an out-of-body experience. I just fucking received the outskirts of the room. All these people diving in on fucking alleys. And I'm like, I'm asking, what the hell's going on? A doctor's in there sharpening his scalpel in case he has to, like, start making incisions to get her out. And eventually they get her out safely and the panic's over.

And then it's like, oh, would you like to cut the umbilical cord? I've never had a less steady hand than me. Oh, fucking hell. I can't believe they give you a shift on the warden. It's like cutbacks of the NHG. You're like, I'm fucking drunk. I've had half a bottle of whiskey.

Cutbacks. It's just that rock and roll part of the car. I'm fucking here. I'll hold this next to this newborn life. These metal tools. Wait mate,

cheers for returning me cold bud you're cutting off a bit now mate you're cutting off a bit now gee we're going to have to wrap up the podcast

because Mark's got a can but chuffed having you on there bud I'll give you a proper ring in a minute wrong number we'll wrap up

you know what we've wrote our jokes but they have to bounce should we do them on first no go we could do them unless you want to save it but

we'll write some new ones for first if you want to so there we're gone it was a bit of fucking mystery solved Yeah, we'll write some new ones for Thursday. Cool. It's a class on jail there. So they were gone. It was a bit of a fucking mystery solved school, but it was a bit of a fucking cult all along. The fucking fact that your mum kept in a jar.

Some kind of mad scientist. If any podcast listeners want to make a voodoo doll of me for that go round to your mum she could pretty much make a whole gav with all the shit she's kept just plug them together wait, you want a gun? I'll go

Kai every time your dad plays Monopoly he goes as the wee car so he can go broom, broom as he's gone. Your dad sometimes ties his cock and his balls into a neat little bow. Your dad's got a pair of dress crocs

for weddings and funerals. Your dad's too shy for sex. Every time your dad takes a shit shit he yells bombs away and salutes your dad doesn't know the words to Mr. Braidside I don't even know if I should do this one your dad's hero is Mason Greenwood and he only found out he was a footballer the other day.

Oh, no. They made an action figure Of your dad And when you pull the lever On the back it cries Is that five? That's me That's me

Fucking dad jokes are back Thanks Mark for bringing it back I know bro Cheers for Stepping in for Danny It's class having you here And tune in for Thursday We'll come up with a little

Like bit of structure for Thursday Aye sound sound We'll do a little bit of structure for Thursday. Ah, sound, sound, sound. We'll do a little game of sorts. Obviously a bit of fucking chatting banter around it. Grand. We'll figure it out. Sign up to Patreon if you haven't already.

And to everybody else, see you Thursday.