Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Victory Biscuit

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

(Video version on YouTube)   Muggins and Cream have spent Easter weekend celebrating their friends' engagement down in Manchester, somehow this gets them talking extensively about the origin of Bovril and Kai is part of a funny miscommunication on the way back home.

Hello listeners, both Patreon and Scum. Thank you very much for listening to Sloss and Humphries on the Road and joining us for another episode where this week we talk about the origins of Bovril for some fucking reason. But it was very interesting and I actually tied into the French Revolution. So, you know, callback essentially. If you've not listened to the previous episode maybe worth listening to because I'm very smart now

we also spoke about trains and at the end there oh what did we talk about at the end at the end Matty's engagement oh yeah

it was a good one there's a really there's a fucking excellent joke in here that I've got like a real belter like a I'm going to say 9 out of 10 naturally happened worth listening to Really, there's a fucking excellent joke in here that I've got. Like a real belter.

Like I'm going to say 9 out of 10. Naturally happened. Worth listening to just for that. And you'll know it. You'll know it. So enjoy and you're welcome. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins.

Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack

Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or might just be cynical Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Erm, hi Cream, happy Easter Hiya, do we need new equipment? Hi, Cream. Happy Easter. Hiya. Do we need new equipment?

I don't think so. You were fiddling with that before this podcast started. You know when you have to wiggle your phone charger? You've plugged it in, but it's not charging. Aye. But when your phone gets to that point, when your phone charger gets to that point, when you're wrapping it around and you're standing it

on the charger that's going into the bottom at a particular angle and you're like don't come in the front door because there's a breeze and it shiggles it so only come in

through the window on the second floor the worst the worst bit is when your phone runs out of battery there's no visual cue as to whether

you've got it lined in right or not so you're just gambling like you'll put it in give it the little wiggle that you'd normally give it yeah because it doesn't like

come up with a little lightning bolt or a little vibration or anything you're just hoping you're just hoping yep well I'm in the train station

I'm plugged in my ticket's on there I might not be getting home do you reckon that's what prayer feels like mmm absolutely aye just going I hope so aye do you reckon that's what prayer feels like absolutely just going

I hope so whatever's out there go on there's a lot of prayers that go on you'd just quit wouldn't you you'd just go on out for fuck's sake maybe you've got very unselfish religious people

out there or they're like well I mean of course Maybe you've got very unselfish religious people out there or who have just... They're like... Of course, you've got people who believe in horoscopes. So they're just like, Oh, I hope for a good day. Oh, dear Lord, please give my family good health. And every day that does happen,

which is most days, they'll be like, Look, hey, he's good. He's not killed my kid. He's not killed my wife. I still here my knees work i i think um prayer can work but not in the way they think it works well i mean prayer can work in the same way that gambling works so you can guess what's gonna happen but also you know that like whole fucking garve new age religion like my brother has that new age religion of like putting stuff out into the universe all right like i think there is something in that there is something in saying out loud that

you're going to do something it makes it more likely that you're going to do it but like i don't know if it makes it more likely there will be a little bit of that law of attraction if you're like if you're putting shit out there i don't know i just think if you're putting shit out there whether it's in the form of a prayer into the ether. No, I... Or just, like, a Facebook status that's, like, fucking... Aye. I think there is something in that. OK, but I also... Not hocus-pocus, though.

Yeah, but I think the thing is that if you're the type of cunt who says shit out loud and writes a vision board, you're probably going to put a lot of effort into things. Aye. Like, it's not like that's... It's not actually doing anything. But when I say there's something in it, that's what I mean. Aye, that's the thing.

So I kind of get that people dared because something might come, but not the way they think it is, not that God's answering their prayer. I've never put anything out into the universe apart from hatred and lies and that's how you get back it's the law of attraction my life's going great like i get a lot of people who pay for that you know there's a there's a there's a market for it now um i sell hatred and lies yeah man hey people are buying not lies so much types. Types of lies, you know. I mean, that certainly ties into religion, just selling hate and lies.

Is a spun story a lie? Is spinning lying? Well, yeah, yeah, definitely, absolutely. If you heighten up a fucking story, you're absolutely going to lie. Is hyperbole lying? Yes, it is. Is revealing just some of the truth to misle lying? Yes, it is.

Is revealing just some of the truth to mislead people into thinking? No, that's not. Oblations are not lying. You're leading someone to their own lie if you give them a statistic that makes something look good, but you leave out a key variable. Aye. Well, I mean, that's what I did. I'm just saying, are you selling lies? Yeah. Well, I mean, maybe not the next that's I'm just saying are you selling lies

yeah well I mean maybe not the next show I've not decided yet I don't think I've ever outright no I've definitely I've definitely lied to an audience's face regularly it's been a pleasure to be here it's when you'll do that thing

where you go it's a pleasure to be here and it's nice to say it's a pleasure to be here. You didn't want to, I wasn't saying that at Sheffield last week or whatever, right? Oh, of course, yeah. I've seen you say that to the crowd and then them be your guy. Yeah. Then they're the ones that you went, pfft. Aye.

Yeah, yeah, just gets that reaction. I'm like, okay, well, I mean, it's you tomorrow, just so you know. And also the fact is, like like all of your crowds are quite nice even the bad ones are actually dead nice compared to a bad crowd aye but I will still

anyone that's ever come to see me live if I've ever seen on stage hey this show the other day was fucking shit and I hate all those cunts

that was always true that is genuinely that's not something I say every night if you were there at the time I was in Glasgow and I was like everyone in Kugelmarnock can die real genuine just for you so you know i was i mentioned i was doing barry dodds's podcast and one of his questions was uh

like because it's about ghosts but like contrived when uh what uh what's what was your worst death and he asked if i'd had any deaths on to you and we haven't we've had gigs that are below standard and we've had even gigs back in the day before conan and everything right that i wouldn't ask i wouldn't say that was a death oh not for you or is it or you because you brought us back on 20 minutes of my material five minutes of traveling the audience against me yeah dublin was probably the closest to a death, but also even the small gigs that were really poorly attended,

like Fort William and the Leeds ones back in like 2011, they weren't deaths, they were just awkward for us because you're turning up to a place that was a little bit of hype about it and then everyone feels like they've backed the wrong horse because the room's empty. Have we not bombed at people's

before isn't that why that was fucking blacklisted was that not a preview what is it did we just fucking hate

everything I think it was just yeah it was just quiet it was just like it wasn't a death because death for me is like

everybody in the room's talking how are the top because they've given up on listening or you can hear a pin drop

that's it it's like it's where the audience that's a death the other one on listening? Or you can hear a pin drop. That's it. It's where the audience... That's a death. The other one's a corporate, right? You can't, like, don't get me wrong, corporate deaths are deaths. Corporate death, though, isn't it? Or like junglers.

I've been to junglers where they've just went, I'd rather attack my mates than attack their mates at the table. So you're not bombing to silence, but you're not bombing to laughter. Do you not consider junglers corporates? Just very low paid. They didn't pay enough To be corporates

Or on time enough But they needed The same skill set When was the last time You did a corporate I'd done a Before the pandemic I haven't done one since

I'd done a hotel Awards show And they liked it When I was talking About them But when I started getting into material, I started losing them and had to, like, pull back out of it and be back in the room.

Aye. The second section, they were a bit drunk and chatty. Oh, so you were, was it like a hosting? Yeah, but I didn't have to give away the awards. I had to bring on the people who gave away the awards. Okay. So I wasn't hosting, like, on and off, on and off. I had to, like, warm the crowd up to hand over to the award givers and then go back on and off on and off I had to like warm the crowd up

to hand over to the award givers and then go back on and announce some other shit like a prize or whatever and how many people were you talking and what kind of room

it was a room with big round tables with everybody sat around them so some of them backed here aye right

and each table was it's own hotel so you'd have like the Marriott and Hilton and represent like holding it in while they're fuck off yeah own hotel so you'd have like the um marriott and hilton and represent like holiday in were there

fuck off i was like yeah who's plus one are you holiday that is madness but that like got us off the blocks that you know what if they when you comment is on that were all the other hotels like they they are the fucking worst, and did they know? That was like when I seen the meme where the hounds are running and there's just a fox in amongst them. It was very known, it was very like, I was like, who fucking, you ain't got pictures of someone.

Did one of the people who gives you awards who'd fucking use your room for an affair It's like that time that Greta Green got promoted to the SPL And you were like There's 16,000 people in your city You're a service station Shouldn't you be playing against Weatherby Fuck off mate

I mean it's nice to see you But do one Yeah I've got a Before one yeah I've got a before I forget I've got a fairly funny story of something that happened quite recently

in fact just yesterday I was on I went to the tune match after Matty's party and we'll talk about that as well we'll talk about Matty's engagement party no you mean

Emiya's engagement party Emiya's engagement party yeah the poster on the door welcome in posters posters over sale

on it the photocopy the photocopy on the door it wasn't even an A3 it was an A4 bit of paper

the ink was running which is probably why they left Matty's name off they didn't want to use too much ink a Mia's engagement party was a turn of but we'll get back to that in a left Matty's name off. They didn't want to use too much ink. A Mia's engagement party.

But we'll get back to that in a minute. Matty the pincer. Went at the Newcastle game. We're not going to talk about football at all, but let's just say Newcastle won emphatically with a really last-minute winner against the Green when we were getting battered. There we go.

And, well, I mean, it was like the fucking stadium erupted, man. Everyone's fucking, like, I'm hungover,

but like, not anymore. You know what I mean? I'm just saying. Instant cure. Instant, like, my fucking adrenaline's through the roof.

Like, I'm fucking, I'm buzzing, right? And, I'm in Newcastle. I've come straight from the party, which was in Manchester.

So, come across the M62 up the road into the stadium we hang over and Natalie's away back up to Glasgow and I'm going straight on the train as soon as I

finish right and I get on the train I'm still up high off the match right and I'm travelling first class because that's who I am now. Hey you don't have

to justify yourself to me. I got you here you're welcome. I treat myself with your money. If you want to know where it's going, Daniel. I'm good, aren't you? It's gone on the fine, I think.

You're spending it right in my books, then. So the drink cart comes along, right? I get myself a wine. Oh, aye. And then the food cart. Have you had any booze at the match, sorry? No, you know what? I had myself a Bovril. Is that the food. Have you had any booze at the match, sorry? Nah, you know what?

I had me still a Bovril. Is that what was in that cup in the picture you said? I had a fucking cup of gravy at the match. Aye. I don't think I've ever had Bovril. For our international listeners, please explain, not only what the fuck it is,

but also why the fuck it is. It's meat stock. It's gravy. It's just beef. It's gravy. It's just beef. It's like a pot. It's like a hot chocolate but instead of chocolate they used a cow.

Aye. But they've not, it's not like a bouillon cube or whatever they're fucking called. Like it's not like an oxo cube. It's like granules, gravy granules I think. Is it?

I've never made one but like you can get the pots of them so imagine the pots just like, you know, where you get your coffee. Is that really what it's just fucking gravy I've never knocked

one up myself but I think it's just gravy aye I've only ever had a bovril out of the match aye and where does it

come from it's beef no you fucking twat cow not what animal like why is it I'm going to get

some field in Yorkshire. At a punt. At a punt. Field in Yorkshire. Where's it from from? No. Is it like, what?

What do you think? You're going to say the south? Aye. Is it a Geordie thing? Did it start just at fucking Phil? Is it a minor thing? Right, based on nothing but gut instinct, it is absolutely Northern.

Right, okay. Aye. On a whim. Aye. Aye, but I'd put my fucking mortgage on it. If somebody was like, oh, now it originated in Spain, I'd be like, fuck you.

So, is it nice? Are you looking at bobble origins now? Of course I am. Is it nice? Like, it's a cup of meat. It's meat soup. No, no, it's not.

No, it's not. Meat soup's really nice. Like, you're just a... No, it's not. It's just fucking gravy. It's what you'd put over... It's what you'd put over meat. It's not It's just fucking gravy It's what you put over It's what you put over meat It's not meat soup

It's gravy In a It's in a gravy bowl You're just pouring it Into your fucking gullet Who's the soup nutty now? It's literally fucking beef stock It's fucking

Oi And that does not A soup make It's because you just got to be more... Next you're going to be telling me soup and noodles is ramen? It's fucking not. Otherwise it'd be called

soup and ramen. Or rad ramen. Let's make that. That's the only bit of merch we get into. Rad ramen. Rad ramen. Rad ramen noodles. Did you find out the Bovril

origins? Bovril was... You're fucking welcome, world. Bovril was invented by the Scottish entrepreneur John Lawson Johnston. Fucking odd-on. Let's say that name again. He double- double barreled his name not only

in medieval Scotland because it wasn't just invented yesterday Bob John Lawson Johnston so okay I'm sorry I thought he was

I thought he was Johnson and Lawson I thought he was the son of two I thought it was like a you can't be a John and Johnston what is he a fucking

they gave him a middle name is he a vaccinated who... They gave him a middle name. Is he a vaccinated? Who built a factory in Quebec, Canada to cope with his enormous windfall from the French Ministry of War. What? He used meaf offcuts to make... He built a factory to cope with his money.

To cope with his windfall. Oh, God, I've got so much money. Oh, my God, I need to, like... Oh, God, I've got to... You know what? I've got so much money. Oh, my God. I need, like, ugh. Oh, God, I've got to, you know what? I've got so much money, I've just got to make pate. Can somebody get me a couple of hundred geese? It's just, I recently, no, you wouldn't fucking believe it. There's a coping mechanism.

Sorry, the Iranian Secretary of State owed me five billion. So I've just decided to open up a little range, a little ranch. To cope with his enormous windfall from the French Ministry of War, no further explanation. Why was a Scottish entrepreneur owed a favour? Why was he a property owner from war? Did he beat him in one-on-one combat? I can't believe I've just been in Newcastle, United,

owned by the Saudis, and my ethical cross of the line was drinking Bovril from a war criminal. This is getting worse, man. Hold on. He sold Jewish people's gold to fund his Bovril? How did he profit from war? I mean, I will absolutely look into that,

but let me get to the... This is just a paragraph. I've no idea. This isn't an article yet. This is just... This is just the cliff notes. Yeah, this is just the, here's who the guy is who invented it.

He used meaf offcuts to make fluid beef, which for some reason is capitalised by the start as if it's a name or a deity. At least it's capitalised and I'll put in quotation marks because I'll have fucking questions for like fluid beef, if you know what I mean. Tap snows.

It's cocaine. Does cocaine not have enough names? You got a couple of grams of fluid beef. I fucking beg your pardon, sir. Who do you think I am? Do you think I'm out here cutting my coke with fucking oxo cubes? It definitely steroids fluid beef.

He used me for his offcuts to make fluid beef, which he renamed Bovril for the words boss, the Latin for cow, cool, fine, and vril, meaning electric fluid. So that must have been the cocaine. Electric fluid. Vril, meaning electric fluid. So that must have been the cocaine. Aye. Electric fluid. Vril.

I think electric fluid could have a better name than vril. Vril. And also, why did Latin have a word for electric fluid? You didn't have electricity. Yeah. I've spotted plot holes here, history. Oh, there you go. Okay yeah so it's sold in distinctive bulbous jar and

as cubes and granules it's a fluid in the it's a spoonful of also it's fluid meat yeah it's like more like a stock pot can be made into a drink quotation marks here they are you ready for the quotation marks Yeah, it's like, you know, more like a stock pot. Can be made into a drink.

Quotation marks. Here they are. You ready for the quotation marks? Beef tea. Aye, beef tea. Diluting it with hot water or, less commonly, with milk. Hold on, you can't reunite them after the fact. That's so morbid. That's so morbid That's so morbid

I always even find like If you ever You never see a chicken omelette Is there Is there something Fucking super morbid And just getting the Getting the chickening

Right there you go I'll just mix you up With your kid And eat you Oh but you must get Hold on There is I've seen a meme

About that So there's got to be There is one There will be one Aye We'll just Hold on, there is, I've seen a meme about that, so there's got to be... There is one, there will be one. That's just a tribute. That's not the greatest meme in the world. No. Okay, oh fucking, here we go.

Right, here's, so this is fascinating. So in 1870, in the Franco-Prussian War, Napoleon III ordered one million so that's not... This is becoming thematic, this podcast. So by the way, this is not Napoleon. This isn't Napoleon Bonaparte. Napoleon III is Napoleon's nephew, right? Because he couldn't with his long love, Jocelyn, she couldn't get pregnant

and he was like, look, I love you so much, but I'm fucking, I'm Napoleon. I've got to have kids. So not Napoleon, but the... So, not even, I don't even think of this lineage, I think it was one of his brother's or his sister's sons who he just really liked. And our nephew is. Aye.

How dare you? The Gaul, sir. Speaking of Gaul, let me get back to the French Revolution. So this will be his nephew. sir. Speaking of Gaul, let me get back to the French Revolution. So, this will be his nephew. Ordered one million cans of beef to feed his troops. The task of providing this went to John Lawson Johnson, a Scottish butcher living in Canada.

Large quantities of beef were available across the British Dominions in South America, but transport and storage was problematic. Therefore, Johnson created a product known as Johnson's Fluid Beef, later called Bovril, to meet Napoleon's needs. By 1888, over 3,000 UK public houses,

grocers, dispensing chemists... Chemists?! This is back when the chemists were fucking mental, man. They were cowboys back in the day. Hey, hey, hey. You got a sore stomach? Do you want some fucking coke?

Man, you lost two feet. I'll tell you what, I'll keep you want some fucking coke man you lost two feet I'll tell you what I'll keep you dancing a heap of gear hey got a chesty cough I've got these menthol cigarettes in the back

so it was war foods in World War 1 so I mean that's where he must have got all of his money from

so anyway they still sell it in Newcastle that's fucking mad Yeah I've lost some but it still seems to be working There you go sorry Sorry I'm sorry That's the greatest crossover ever

And as somebody who's studied The French Revolution I actually find that very interesting You've just added the origins of French Revolution knowledge Words after the fact it's the epilogue. When you're wheeling that out at parties, that is correct, yeah.

So, I had my Bovril. I wasn't going to drink because I'd been drinking the last two nights, right? You know, I'm fucking... I mean, I'm at the match, nice sunny afternoon and all that. I could have had a pint, but I was just like,

ugh, why? Oh, it was too hot, right? Tell you what, I had a fluid night. Oh, it's too hot. Right, I'll tell you what, I'll have fluid mate. I couldn't possibly have a coffee or a tea. Do you want a pint? Do you want water?

No, thank you, not at all. Liquid beef, please. You are literally using my argument against me when I told you I was drinking soup in the desert of Arizona. I drank I ate soup in an air conditioned airport. In the desert. In the desert. So. It's bougie if anything. I get on the train

I'm on the train alone. Can who I'm at the match with goes home with his wife and child and I get on the train back to Glasgow and the card comes and I get a wine. The food card comes and I get on the train back to Glasgow and the card comes and I get a wine right the food card comes and I get a carnation chickpea sandwich

I'm in first class into it right and then the drinks card comes again and I've been watching all the fucking fallout from the match

like watching all the stuff on Twitter and all the interviews and everything right I'm just fucking buzzing off it right and she comes along and I'm like

you know what can I have a whiskey and she just looked a little confused and she comes along and I'm like you know what can I have a whiskey and she just looked at us confused and she was like whiskey did you ask the food court

when I come by and I was like I didn't think I didn't think they asked the food court I didn't know what she was getting at right

I was like maybe the sell it it's not on the free drinks list and I was like you know what you know what, never mind. I was just going to celebrate Newcastle winning. I'll have another wine, please, instead.

So there's no whiskey. Settle for a wine. She poses a glass of wine, right? She hands off the fucking drinks cart. The food cart guy comes and finds us. And he's like, did you ask for a biscuit and I just replayed myself can I have a biscuit please I think I'm going to celebrate

Newcastle winning do you all have a Scooby snack? Look, my team won. I'm really going to treat myself. Are you going to put a cheese stick weekend? I'm feeling a little bit naughty. I didn't splurge and have a champagne or a bite of a mash, right? I just had some beef tea.

Just to sit on my stomach and wet me beak. And now I'm like a dry biscuit. At the time, at halftime, it was 1-1. I wasn't going to get an L out. Beef tea, please. But now, now glory is in our hands. Now premiership

safety is secured. Aye. Please, Lizzie. You got a rich tea there, love. Tea half a biscuit. Not. Please, lady. You got a rich tea there, love? Do you have a biscuit? Not even a specific biscuit. Just a biscuit. Lord needs a biscuit. So. So.

Wait, so. So play it out even further. Right. Do you have a shit accent or are you a stupid cunt? I said whiskey. You did. So it's your right. I'm meeting you, Castle.

I can speak how I want to. This is how we speak. Where was she from? The South. Right. It had come from London and I'm guessing it was gone back in that direction as well. She was like,

they love their biscuits, their wee rationed biscuits. Fucking love that. It's just got all the goods flour and fucking meat just all in this big bun that they eat sugar and butter and you kick them down

the fucking mines and they eat their little biscuits and whatever he wants his biscuit it's team one it's team one he wants a biscuit of course he's us

he's a Geordie he came out the mines he watched his team win a match he wants a little biscuit a Geordie he came out in mines he watched his team win a match he was a little biscuit to gnaw on in the shade

so play it out right play it out Newcastle won I thought I'd celebrate and have a biscuit but if you

haven't got any biscuits a wine will do I will settle for the next

for the next best thing. Grapes. Fermented grapes. And not only did she pour me the glass of wine, but she was like, I'll get this man his victory biscuit. And she went and phoned the guy with the food trolley I've thought of a joke to make myself laugh I'm sorry can I get a whiskey

oh yes your love two fingers and she goes back with a Kit Kat thanks for that big set up mate it's alright man I can't believe we wrote that sketch before this oh that's one of

them where Natalie would go I'd be waiting till that joke it's better if I wrote it it's way more creative from my point of view if I wrote it from scratch the fact that it needed life to go my way just for that one punchline

clip it that's a good one I don't know if we talked about this the other week but Gareth Waugh G-Tip, one of his clips on Insta about when he was playing Yards Comedy Club or whatever

have you watched it yet? oh man, it's one of those comedy gods handed you a fucking audience member who sets you up for you know the punchline it's aye aye aye and they got on the phone to have the camera rolling when that happens because i think i think they're one of the clubs that just has it is it good because so many of them are lost to the ether their moments right like there's been so many moments of punch drunk for like loads of action i'm just saying why the fuck we don't record this for these moments well no

I think that's the that's the fucking fun of it and again and as we know it's never as funny when you repeat it when it's outside

as when you're in the room but this one travelled so what was it what was the bit can you can we put it on no just go on Gareth Walsh's Instagram

and it'll be there and it's that clip oh god right let's talk about well Ty No just go on Gareth Walsh's Instagram And it'll be There And it's that clip Oh god Right Let's talk about We're tired of your little friend Well because

If there's anyone watching on the The full HD The 4K We can see You know what it looks like It looks like you've burnt yourself With the straighteners It does

But does my hair Reach there No Right No That's what I was saying Trying to cover it you've burnt yourself with the straighteners does but does my hair reach there no right no that's what I was saying trying to cover it it's a self-fulfilling prophecy

it wasn't there when I started I'm stuck in some sort of time loop no no great story no great story so for people

listening most of you I've got a little calf crescent type... Aye, it's like... Guess, from the shape, guess what I bashed my head off of. There's the game. Oh, so it wasn't a spot that you tried to dig out with a spoon?

I don't... Kai, I don't get spots. I get like two spots a year, maybe. I've got very, very good skin. I'm actually with you on that. Aye. I don't get spots, really. My conspiracy theory that i 100%

believe in is the reason that men get less spots than women is because we've not been fucking rubbing shit on our face since we're 13 years old i think what drew you to that conclusion like i've never had to do anything to my face before like your skin's so good and i'm like yeah thank it's drug abuse alcohol abuse and just do you wash your face when I'm in the shower kind of as in water runs over it I just I never wash my face with soap not unless I've got something on it

not unless I'm getting face paint off even then it'll not even be like soap that I use it'll be like me auntie's spit on a bit of a cardigan she's been dead for years but I kept a bottle and the cardigan when she was in a coma

like she was drooling and I was just like I'm going to need that when you're gone nothing else removes if you can find me something that removes stains better

I'll stop using it but until then So you've banged your head Get from the shape Guess Guess Right That's Eva

The corner of a kitchen cupboard Okay Right So the kitchen cupboard's open And you like dive in Head first To grab a teeth Grab a teeth

Grab a cup with your teeth Right okay yeah yeah yeah Right And you've bang the head. Two, you've brought the boot down when you're not fully out of it yet. Oh. All right, the trunk for the Americans. Tesla closes the boot very slowly and safely.

Yeah, you just press it. That's ludicrous. You press the little button, walk away, and everyone's got a good 10 minutes to steal from your boot. Aye, aye. It does seem a long while. You don't have to kind of stand by the car for a bit just to make... Come on, I need a piss.

Go to sleep. Come on, come on. Down you go. So it's not the boot. No. It's not the cupboard door. Mm-mm. Is it anything...

Ooh, is it anything is it like baby related is it like are you doing something are you building are you setting up something

no it's way way more boring went into pick up went into like a dark cupboard to pick

where I've got my broom and my dustpan and everything and I bent over and just one of the

broom shanked yourself between the eyes like the blunt end of a broomshank? Oh, not only the blunt end, but like the, like a plastic one,

with it's hollow, and the, it's got like a little hook on. Aye, but the hook had fallen off, so just like the, the ring. Oh,

right, aye. Could have been worse, could have come out in like a full fucking circle, and then, but I mean, it's still not, it's still not great.

Did it bleed a little bit or like Mick Foley did you did you Mick Foley the only other man that bleeds

but he did used to actually cut his own forehead in fights didn't he to bleed out aye well back in the

good old days when you know ECW and everything they used to just hit each other with actual barbed wire nowadays when they just throw themselves on top of things days when the ECW and everything used to just hit each other with actual barbed wire. Nowadays when they just throw

themselves on top of things. I've only ever watched it in that period of time. Or the Attitude Era.

It was the TLC matches. Oh yeah, Edge of Christian, Dudley, Boys. The Hardy

Boys. Triple H and Mick Foley were really going at it. Hell for Lever, Hammer and Tongue

Oh Hell in a Cell Aye Going at it Aye Were you there when Stone Cold Steve Austin Turned heel Probably yeah

Aye That was about then wasn't it Vince McMahon Oh no no hold on I've got that fucking wrong Was it The Rock No no no Aye

Stone Cold turned heel Kicked us out of The Rock Because that was when The Rock was off to do The Mummy or Scorpion King or whatever it was so they were like

you need to be out for three months what a mad fucking career he's had aye and he's probably going to get into politics isn't he

no he said he's staying out of it is he aye because everyone talks about it and I think he's doing the right thing

he's like because that's only going to be a let down when he does it you just get fucking I mean look it's all chaos and nothing matters

anymore so I mean can it be worse than anything we've had in the last 10 years I'd be there for it but I'd be really sad

I'd be really sad when I come crumbling down you know I don't want his bubble to ever burst and I feel like that's the only way it could

is if he got into politics he's a republican is he of course he is he's rich there's always there's always there's always

I don't know which million it is I don't know whether it's like a million or a billion but there's one point when you're like well I mean

it's definitely within my interest to just give up my morals at this point. What could The Rock do to just maintain his status as global treasure? Well, I might have said this before, but I'm fucking putting it. You know what? We've just said earlier on in the podcast, we want to manifest things in the universe.

Right. So I'm going to say something out loud that I want to exist so much. Dwayne The Rock Johnson, everything he touches movie-wise turns to gold. He's done everything. He's done action movies. He's done rom-coms. And even when the movies are bad, they're good.

Aye, because it's The Rock. You watch it. He's done CGI. He's done games that were turned into movies. He's done kid stuff. He's done everything. Tell you what he's not done. Christmas movies.

The Rock hasn't done a hasn't done The Rock hasn't done a Christmas movie The Rock hasn't done a Christmas movie so who the fuck played the Grinch God

I would watch the Hench Grinch it's the Hulk oh yes you just want to watch the Hulk so the movie I want one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time You just want to watch The Hulk. So, the movie I want,

one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time that you have to watch every year is Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's the one where he, spoiler alert, needs this doll for his kid, sold out everywhere, the entire movie, it's just him trying to find this doll.

Doesn't get it. At the end of the movie, oh, in fact, at the movie, does get it, but gives it to the end of the movie oh in fact at the movie he does get it but gives it to the bad guy's kid in an act of

solidarity and he's a good kid and he's like I don't need the Turbo Man doll because my dad's the real Turbo Man because Arnie

was Turbo Man you've all seen it I haven't have you not so thanks oh it's it's fucking piping it's a Christmas movie

I've only gotten into really watching Christmas movies since the couple of times I've spent up here in December. And I've watched a few really good ones with you, but not that one. Jingle All The Way is not. My favourite one was that one where the dealer was the fucking Ghost of Christmas Future Past and Present. Oh, the night before.

That's very good. It's a very good one. You also enjoyed The Muppets Christmas Carol. I loved that and I probably enjoyed The Grinch and I hadn't seen any of them. I only seen them in recent years. Jingle all the way. Cheesy as fuck.

This is like peak 90s and it's an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, right? So it's a bit... It's not a bit. It's very fucking 90s. So take all of it with a fucking pinch of salt. Like there's literally a scene where a police officer,

like he goes into a radio station because they're doing a giveaway of the doll and it's the only way he can think to get the prize but he phones in and he doesn't get it so he just decides to break into the radio station to try and turns out the the thing's not in there the doll's not there uh but the postie in there uh who's who enemy, who's trying to also get the doll, comes in, has a package. And he goes, I work in the post office. This is a bomb, right? We get posties all the time. Give me that.

Or, you know, everyone fucking let me go, et cetera. And then a police officer takes this package and is like, it's not a bomb. It's never a bomb. People make these claims all of the time. This is before 2001 as well. Of course it is. Well, they're just all making bomb jokes.

Everyone's laughing about it. It's in a building. This next scene is from outside. All the windows blow out of the building. And then it goes back to the police officer's face and it's like black in his hair's back. It's before 2001. Yes.

This stuff didn't happen in real life. You want to do that movie, but with The Rock life the you want to do that movie but with The Rock as the dad trying to do it but it's not a remake it's a sequel The Rock plays

the kid who you see in the movie of the bad guys kid all grown up and as a dad now he wants to get the toy for his kid and then

you're going to pitch that I'm not pitching it I'm putting it out there in the universe if anyone in fucking the rock if you're going to pitch that I'm not pitching it I'm putting it out there in the universe if anyone in fucking the rock if you're watching this just fucking make it

I want that movie so much yeah the rock if you're watching this please subscribe for £3 a month thanks for subscribing to Patreon actually

Dwayne that's very very kind of you it's the Monday episode he could be in the cheap seat aye that would gut me that would be worse

than him not listening we've got a bit of time left I want to talk about my is that my mic off yeah we do need new equipment

as you mentioned at the beginning aye so come on Rock please help fund this podcast we need a new cable aye

but I mean we should because you it's I'm just going to call us out on this we do get money from Patreon aye and we're just putting it

towards my stack we should probably no no we're not we're not no we've we've put it towards loads of little clips you know the footage

that we've been getting done thank you to everyone who's subscribed and dad tier as well you're on the credits at the end of the video because you provide us with the money to put the videos on and we're also going to yeah use it to cut it down into loads of little clips we've got 90 clips getting commissioned

and we're going to release them daily oh yeah like a minute long on reels and that might even start a tiktok okay i think i already have a tiktok uh we're going to use that okay i don't i don't use it so just saying like we've got all the equipment um i'd also like to do something with your studio I think I already have a TikTok. We're going to use that. Okay. I don't use it, by the way. So just saying, we've got all the equipment. I'd also like to do something with your studio as well. But we've also... Oh, yeah, yeah. We'll get this turned into...

We've also spent a bit on mini clips that people can enjoy. Okay. Because you know how you like watching a full 90-minute game, but the best is like match of the day, isn't it? You just want the highlights. You want to see the goals and also that's to entice other cunts in aye but it's also for you to enjoy

oh, it's not it's to get new fucking listeners, you morons already here, fucking got you where do you think you're going get back in here, get back in here, you fucking you've listened to this for too long to leave now, You fucking stay.

You're not going to do it. We're both fat and ugly, right? And none of us will survive out there in the world alone. This was Sloss and Humphries on the road.

Now he's got a kid. I've got a dog. We've been doing all the podcasts from the studio. Speaking of dogs, stay. Stay.

Fucking anywhere. So we went to Matty's engagement party. No so we went to Matty's engagement party no we went to Amir's engagement party uh huh now I don't know if you know this

but Matty's muckle pedophile he's he's actually not right I I transpired that even though Matty's 40 next year

uh huh Amir's 27 and we've been calling him a nonce I mean that's 13 years that's 13 years because of all of these

things right just because of this age gap right we've been doing that but at what point do you just like have to just take a step back

and go he's a bit of a legend it's hard to say out loud it's hard to say out loud it's hard to say out loud but like you know if you're

playing champ manager football manager as Cardenou that's when the players are at their most valuable because they've got another good contract

in them and another 5-20 goals a season left in them 27 not 40 when they're 27 when they're 27 year old that's when you'll get

the biggest price tag off the player that's when they're at their premium And he's getting engaged To a lass who's 27 In an absolute In an absolute premium

Oh shit Sorry I mean like She looked mint At the party as well Like I would have Absolutely betrayed My wife and Matty

Just to peck her On the cheek Which she would have let you do, and neither of them would take that as a betrayal. That's quite a normal thing between friends. That's actually how I greeted her. And I walked away like, yes, fucking... Enjoy those knives in your back, sluts.

I wonder what I'll do to Danny next. I went and shook Carol's hand, and I was like, yes. what I'll do to Danny next. I went and shook Cara's hand and I was like, yes. So, this is the thing, right? Matty,

Matty looks really young for his age. He does? Mia looks like, I was going to say she looks old for her age, but like when he met her

she was 24, but like you wouldn't have looked at her and went, oh, that's a 24-year-old. She didn't look young. And also, she's a very mature person. She's definitely... She's like, when them two are having a conversation,

you wouldn't be like, oh, he's met... She doesn't seem 13 years younger than him. No, I've had conversations... You know when you have a conversation with someone, and I... This happens to me often. I've been on both sides of it. But you know this, when you have a conversation with someone and and and i this happens to me often i've been on both sides of it but you know this when you have a conversation with someone and you just it's never

a big warning in the back of your head but your brain just at one point lets you know who's smarter at the period of the year you go oh it's me i'm the smart one that's very interesting they just said something like oh cool i'm smart or eventually like with amir she'll say something i'm like i'm the dumber one here okay that's good just so I know mentally in my head and I'm smarter than my so she's at least like three points

up there so she's clearly going out with someone older because if she goes out with someone that's 25 or whatever she'll just be like

oh for fuck's sake look let's not get into the conspiracy theories of why we think a young beautiful woman would be with a four year old man with heart problems

let's not who's already given three houses away in previous relationships. And let's not read into any of that or suggest anything should be taken from that. Those are just two separate bits of information that should not be used together to come up with any slander or lies.

She's a good person. And if Mattie dies soon... So without bringing any of that up they're a good match very good match they look good together they do right they would have very good looking kids i'll tell you who doesn't look good together in a room his mates and her mates. Oh yeah. It was this clash of worlds because young attractive men and women between the ages of

21 and 29 dressed well. Dressed like they were out in Manchester on a bank holder weekend. Yeah. They've spent some time doing themselves up. Glitz, glamour. Nice clothes.

Smell nice. Looking good. Aye. And. And. Matthew's friends. Haggard jories. Matthew's friends who look old, man.

Matty looks young for the group, which means every one of his friends looks 10 years older than him and are also sometimes 5 years older than him there was a lot of

fat bald men amongst all them pretty young women yeah yeah yeah it was so and also

I think that's why they kept the lights on for so long the lights were so bright I think that's why I was like have I been flash bang. The lights were so bright. I think that's why. I was like, have I been flashbanged here? It was like, the lights were at a level where it was like, last orders have been called, you need to leave.

So there was just this like kind of almost, the night's almost over feeling about the night from the minute we got there. And all of Matty's mates were like, can we bring the lights to the bed? I'm getting absolutely revealed in here yeah yeah and they were like

not a chance you bald fucking knots these lights are staying up and we've got our eyes on every last one of you we've met Jodie's before glistening away like fucking disco balls

and then he's like none of you have had your little biscuits so you're all fucking randy you've been at the bar every single randy you've been at the bar every single one of you has been at the bar for the past couple of hours

been like can I get some biscuits can I get some biscuits two fingers three fingers on ice you're mental it was just such a funny room full of people

I was like I don't know if they were expecting that because the two of them together if you saw a room full of Matty and Amir that would be that would just be a fucking happening venue. Aye.

That would be the place you want to be drinking. And if you had a room full of just Matty's friends, that's a working men's club. That's a working men's club. That's what it is. And their wives. It's like a bar called The Black Diamond. You know? Aye.

It's like something's head. Aye. Aye. I thought it was very funny I did not stay for we went down

with a baby we did our first trip eh not in our bed that night with

our son and em without slandering any more hotels than Holiday Inn Express and that's because they were above their station. There's another hotel which is perfectly fine

for the common people, I imagine. I think it's quite a middle ground where you are actually. I would say it's above Holiday Inn but below the Hilton. It's below my fucking stand, that's what it was. Well, let's just say the jury's out. Whoops. Staff, we're lovely. Look, it's just, we were like,

can we have a cacot for a nine-week-old baby? They were like, yeah, absolutely. We just pulled one of the drawers out and put his hair in it. Oh, man, that would have been way better. It's Easter weekend. That's just building nativity in your room. No, man. I think they removed balls from a ball pit

and then just brought the empty. It was a crib for a five-year-old. Do five-year-olds have cribs? Well, no, no, no. But this crib would stop a five-year-old. Do five-year-olds have cribs? Well, no, no, no. But this crib would stop a five-year-old getting out. It was like a safety cage for a trampoline. Yeah, and I'm like, man, no way. So we just put

him on the floor and put that over the top of him. Face down like we caught a spider. I thought you had a day. No! I don't know how to look after kids fucking clearly what do you think happens to him at night time that we have to like lock him in during the day he's fighting to just leave on the floor but then

I bet you keep an eye on him there you'll sleep otherwise do you know how to lock him in. During the day, he's fighting to just leave on the floor. I bet you keep an eye on him there, you know, sleep, otherwise. Do you know how to lock him in? In case he rolls off? No. You know, just roll places. Man, he doesn't roll yet. He's still at the point where he's just, you know,

he's quite under-advanced, isn't he, for his age? Oh, don't you dare let Carrie hear you say that. That's exactly why I'm saying it. The actress just listening. Even as a joke, she's just like fucking started whistling like a kettle. So you had the baby in the room, it was too hot.

Well it was too hot and also the problem with British hotels is because Britain's only hot for like two months of the year. There's no point having air con in any of the buildings because it would just not be worth getting put on. Wouldn't get much use out of it and just be a fucking waste of time.

So what they do do is they stick air conditioning stickers on the wall and just lie to you. And they're like, yeah, look, look, look. The control's there. They draw a vent on the wall with a barrow. Yeah, no, I think the vent's real to allow air to go between rooms of places and stuff. There's no fan. You've never put your hand in front of it

and felt like a real pressure of cold air coming out on a hot day. It could fucking heat up the room, I'll tell you that. Definitely, if it was like 21 degrees, you want it to be 24, they could give you the hot air from another room. Fucking hell, why are you in a 21 degrees you want it to be 24 they can give you the hot air from another room and fucking hell

why are you in a 21 degree room wanting it to be 24 I'm just sat here on my towel trying to pour a bit of water on the coals pouring it on the radio

so I phoned reception I was like look I know the aircon doesn't work because we're in the United Kingdom. Is there any chance you've got like,

just a fan to, to, for the room? And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

we'll send someone up. And the guy turned up, I opened the door, showed up. And he was like, what did he say in the book? He was a fan. Because,

because here's what he fucking did, right? He hands me a heater and goes, I know this is what you asked for, sorry, we've got nothing else. Also, big fan, so here's two free drink tickets for the bar. I'm like, it's one o'clock in the morning. I've just asked for a crib for my son, right? To sleep in. And you've been son, right, to sleep in. And you've been like, look, we can't do either of those things.

And I know you were saying you were too hot. How about I get you everyone else's hair dryers? How about I make you need a pint and then give you a free pint? The bar was closed! One in the morning, when was it going to be used? You know I'm checking out tomorrow. Oh, yeah, one for the morning where was he going to use it you know I'm checking out tomorrow oh yeah

one for the road fuck it he was a lovely man but I'm not so yeah

he brought the opposite of what he asked for maybe to be fair they were definitely

understaffed and man it's a fucking bank holiday weekend I've got sympathy

for everyone involved so clearly when I phoned out they were clear run off the field like it's not an emergency bring out when you can so clearly like a note was left for someone so imagine it was just it wasn't like this person is too hot they left heater needed or you know fan whatever and somebody's went well this is what they meant yeah so you got it wrong aye so here's something that I didn't realise is how much

attachment people have to Easter until Mattie had his party the amount of folk complaining going what that's on Easter weekend

you can't have it on Easter weekend like surely that's the best time to have it because you don't need to be at work on Monday you're off

on Friday no but it's more like you can't throw a party in the middle of a city that nobody fucking lives in and make us all

come in and pay for hotels aye so it was more like you can't throw a party in the middle of a city that nobody fucking lives in and make us all come in and pay for hotels on the busiest weekend. So it was more to do with the accommodation thing. Aye. But Ricketts was complaining about it and he stayed at home. Is that because, like, he would normally go on up to Scotland in his camper van and, like, that's when I, like... I think he's just a miserable man.

I've got, like, four days off, so I'm going to spend four days... It's just something, it's a shred of joy in his body. I feel like everybody, whether they were travelling in or whether they were there, were like, what, you're going to have your days it's a shredded joy in his body I feel like everybody whether they were travelling in or whether they were there were like what you're going to have your wedding on Christmas are you like it was that attitude

of like what on Easter and I'm like since like did I miss a memo where everyone gives a fuck about Easter well because it's also

like a long yeah maybe it is because it's a long weekend so you could have gone away that's when you'd go away for a weekend and they're like oh we've done something

slap bang in the middle of it but that's the time I at least want to go away because people are probably like everyone's going to be with their kids I was saying that that is everyone

yeah that's so I'm the one that's like I dodge rush hour traffic because I don't need to be in it but everybody else is in it yeah because they have to be yeah

this is the time this is they work 9 to 5 this is the only weekend that you have that's long and what you've done is they work 9 to 5 this is the only weekend that you have that's long and what you've done is you've gone

I'll have that because also engagement party like it is it's one of those political things it was so funny because I was going

who has engagement parties anymore wasn't that something that you'd done when you were like really young now like if you're like 19, 20

you have an engagement party then i'm like oh that's the age of his last that's why i haven't been to an engagement party in 15 years because none of them have made some massive pervert i don't think we would have had an engagement party but i think we would have just had some friends around or gone to a pub you know we are know what do we do we're celebrating the fact that we're going to

celebrate something at some point yeah it's a nice idea because it mingled people before the parties so that there's not going to be

a bunch of strangers like everyone already half knows each other from then so I did I was working

in the room I was going around chatting to loads of people I didn't know I saw some people were

just like sticking back clicks and all but I got chatting for ages to Amir's workmates and it got to the point where they went

oh where are you staying I was like I'm in Liverpool with my mate and they're like how are you getting back and I was like oh wait

my wife come in early with our mates and drank through the day and now I've come in with a car and she's going to stop drinking

and just like yeah half a drink drive back she'll probably be under the limit she's going to stop drinking and just like half a drink drive back, she'll probably be under the limit by then, she'll stop drinking at 7 or whatever and my address went, you didn't have these on your workmates I was like

are you that old police? I literally even though my last wasn't drink driving I just casually threw in that was drink driving back to Liverpool she's a criminal yeah right

but they weren't like police police they were more like Gina from Brooklyn Nine-Nine you know office cops what's she

wait is she not a real police officer nah she's an office cop what's that mean I don't know I had a dean admin for them and that I'm pretty sure Gina

goes I don't know it's been so long since I've watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine I'm pretty sure she goes out and does them and that. I'm pretty sure Gina goes, I don't know, it's been so long since I've watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I'm pretty sure she goes out and does things. Oh, no, Gina, I'm thinking of the fucking,

the other one, sorry, of course you're right. Got you. I want to put like the kind of receptionist one. Chelsea Parade? Yes, yes. Aye, sorry.

Yeah, so she's like, they're like police officers. Got you. Not police officers, police office-ers. Aye. Oh, I see what you did there. Aye. Yep. Police officers Oh yeah Not police officers Police office As Aye Oh I see what you did there Aye

Aye Yep I mean it's definitely been done before No No Nope It's not It's not

It's not good enough to have done It's genuinely not good enough to have done No but yeah But that means There's been definitely Cunts that have done it on stage What do you think The worst

On stage Police office Man Man It's like I'm ashamed of David On a brief Potassi yum

Like man I mean that was good though I really laughed at potassi yum That was Gareth Mutch Gareth Mutch Had a banana on the way here Potassi yum I was howling

I was absolutely howling And then I think Robin Grange I was howling I was absolutely howling and then I think Robin Grange I was like I'll give him that one I was laughing because it was good they credit for it

I laughed in spite of it I was laughing because it was so bad that he would never use that on stage but he did but he did potassium I was laughing because it was so bad that he would never use that on stage, but he did. Aye, that's why it's funny. But he did, but. Catastrophe, I was fucking howling.

I missed the next joke because I was laughing at it. I watched Glenn Wool miss half of Mark Nelson's set from laughing at one of his jokes. Oh, yeah. And it was Cullen's cock so big, Elliot Steele uses it to pick his nose. And Glenn Wool was gone forever forever

he's still at the bar in altitude now laughing there's a DJ on doing a set what's that Canadian guy laughing at I don't know but he's enjoying it

don't ask him because he's been here he's been here for two weeks you'll just not go I already forgot what he's laughing at he's just stuck

right we're in Budapest this weekend yes we are for like hit and run on Budapest right we're just in and out

one gig aye but I think we're staying over are we getting a hangout I think so shall we get on it aye

a little bit Fianna Wales since we've got on it aye even though we just talked about the party we had last night. One pint for me. You were drinking, though.

Aye, a little bit, yeah. You just went. But only because I'm a bad father. Aye. Not because I was celebrating my engagement. It was more just... So let's get drunk and put a pest. Aye, let's do that.

I think it's sold out in Hungary, so if you come to the show, thank you very that. I think it's sold out in Hungary, so if you come to the show, thank you very much. And also I will try my hardest to learn something about your politics this month before we come. And I imagine, from what I know from the outskirts, it's not fucking great. Victor Orban, know anything about him? No, I don't.

Well, aye, I think he's a bit this is I've got no information yet this is just from what I've learned from the periphery of the news I've watched pretty sure rigged election

Putin lover is he? well maybe not lover but like not not like surely not now I think he's I hope we're not

going to like I hope they don't end up on some fucking axis of evil with Russia and we're just straight out of a gig there

I don't think they will be man but we've also gigged in Russia that's true and also like we'd fucking appeal to the people last time

we'll fucking love the people that we're with they're great well not all of them obviously they're also victims in this well some of them are

some not all hashtag not all I them obviously they're also victims in this well some of them are some not all hashtag not all they haven't got H&M can't they anymore can't buy an iPhone I mean how do they live

the real victims of the war alright aye let's go and enjoy the rest of our Easter weekend yep

and thank you to the Patreons the people that are watching this early couldn't have done it without you well I mean that's not true you know we did it for years without you but it's better now I think there's a lot of OG's amongst them

so we are addressing people that kept going forever and ever thank you everybody for being here and I sent away dumb stuff about biscuits bye