Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Your Questions Answered

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Our Patreon subscribers asked the questions everyone wants answered and we got through as many as we could in this expose which also doubled as a temporary send off for poppa Cream. With a cheeky prize draw at the end if you're feeling lucky.

Good podcast listeners Thank you very much for listening to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road My last episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road Just for a month or so Because after this I will be being a father For a bit, just for a bit, not the whole time

I'll see how long I can be arsed doing it for In this episode We answer a bunch of questions from our Patreon listeners And as always a big thank you to everyone who does subscribe to the Patreon and give us money and support this piece of shit. If you are not a Patreon, you can, one, listen to the questions that you could have asked yourself but you didn't get the chance to. And you can also hear the lovely prizes that we give out in the end.

You can sign up to the Patreon at any point. You get bonus content A couple more episodes You get interesting enterprise draws And we're just a bit more honest On the Patreon episodes as well Not that we're not honest here But Like I name cunts

In the Patreon one So it's just a bit It's a bit bitchier Enjoy! Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream Cream and muggins Straight thuggin'

Livin' the dream That's our intro Fuckin' muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, mate. How you doing? What's happening with you? Much to report before we dive into the questions from the patrons? Nah.

Erm. Nah. I went to a christening. Oh, aye. Got bevvied. Did you? Aye. I've got dad for the

sixth time now. How many fucking God's dad Does Can's kid have though? Six Aye That's an army that like That's like So do you each get like a part of the kid

When Can dies? I think he's planning on staying alive And he just wants like Loads of birthday money for his Ben And he's going to spend it Hisself on Gear Yeah drugs and alcohol like loads of birth to money for his Ben and he's gonna he's gonna spend it himself on gear yeah drugs and alcohol

Ben's like not even old enough to know what money is yet so he can just you know every every type of birth to sex godparents sex aye

feels like cause kinda gives me shit because I'm I'm air quotes godfather to three kids but like there's nothing I'm not religious there was no ceremony involved

they just asked and I said yes like it's over to you she's like they're not real godparents I'm not religious there was no ceremony involved they just asked and I said yes like it's over to you she was like they're not real godparents I'm like I know but like godparents aren't real anymore

like it's just like a thing you do I feel like you're being used you're being used by people because they know that you've got a bit of money

and you'll get expensive gifts they haven't even christened their kids they don't like because of all the godkids I've got there's only one that hasn't had a christening but their brother did have a christening expensive gifts they haven't even christened that kid they don't like because of all the god kids I've got

there's only one that hasn't had a christening but their brother did have a christening so I don't know if they're eventually going to do it

but like five of the six have actually been christened and have been like officially brought in as godparents no mine's was all very much

the people I'm godfather for I just told the parents I'm like look if you die all you you're only going to die when your kid needs to get into

like uni and so you only need a god when your kid needs to get into like uni and so you only need a godparent that's able to put them through uni and that's me and if they die before then I'm going to lie to the courts be like I was never their godfather not my problem show us where show us the proof

of course to your face while you're alive I will tell you that I'm godfathers to your kids but the second you are dead those kids so am I that's the courts problems I'm sure there are professionals

there's family members that you have that love your children more than I do so they're yours well they're theirs and if they're not then what are you

going to do about it you're fucking dead not my problem and then oh and your wife died too well maybe you shouldn't have a fucking wife that died at the same time

as you how's this my fault how's this my fault that you and your fucking dumb wife died i can't look after your fucking kids anymore be a better driver i not my problem or you managed to crash the car and they fucking survived it and used to didn't fuck off on the way home from the christening and i'm starting to think you planned it yeah i'm not interested um so i always feel like with the custody of the child when they die thing that's not what i feel like i'm i feel like of all the six godparents i'm parent number six to get custody oh so it's like what it's like the it's like the it's like the royal throne

it's the line like i'm like my my heir of custody like there's even people that aren't godparents that get in between the other godparents and me before the custody gets to me like there's family members and shit right

I'm just a belt or uncle I'm just good I'm just good with kids I get picked because now the kids are going to ask after us

I'm going to be a laugh when I'm with them that'd be a good TV show murder mystery where it's just random people keep on dying and nobody can work out why and it just turns out Where it's just random people Keep on dying And nobody can work out why

And it just turns out Like it's the seventh in line To be God Dad Just Just in a random order Killing And it's called Playing God

Oh Okay No no delete this We're gonna be millionaires So aye That's That's what I've been doing Since I saw you

But also We promised the parents a Q&A this is a Monday episode so everybody gets to enjoy the answers to the questions but the parents get the privilege even the fucking tight cunts

even the people that are like even the povs I describe them as the film bridesmaids when there's a workout happening in the park and they're like

behind the tree doing the work good and they're just getting the work good fun out while everyone else pays for it I call them povs and they're like behind the tree doing the work good and they're just getting the work good for now while everyone else pays for it I call them povs because

because they're povs for the longest time I thought POV porn was like my people you thought it was poverty porn just chaps

getting done up the shitter I never I never clicked on it because I wasn't that interested in something I could get at home just I can't watch interested in something I could get at home. I can't watch porn just in case my mum turns up.

What? Huh? What? I don't understand. And that's disgusting on so many other levels when you know what pop actually means.

It's like you don't go on holiday and then look at brochures for like the same destination you're at when you're on the beach

well I mean they do sell postcards they do actually but that's something you can show other people where you

are and be like haha eat shit I will say this Sopit's the funniest person in the world for trying to make you jealous of his

holder not me but not me say this, Sopit's the funniest person in the world for... For trying to make you jealous of his holder. Not me, but not me, because I go on nice holidays too, but Sopit is from... You know. Sopit's one of my Geordie mates. Aye, and he's real poff porn. And that's not even a nickname, that's his

actual name, Sopit. Aye. We don't know what it means. Sopit Smith. Dave Sopit. When we were in Hawaii it means Soppet Smith Dave Soppet when we were in Hawaii together like I just kept saying him on his because he's not obsessed with his

phone yeah but not at all like he puts it down doesn't say it for four hours he's on his phone a lot

for the first like three hours in Hawaii and I'm like what are you doing he's like I've just got mates that are working right now

and they are seething that I'm in Hawaii he takes real pleasure because he's in where is he right now Mauritius he's in Maur are working right now and they are seething that I'm in Hawaii he takes real pleasure where is he right now, Mauritius he's in Mauritius right now he keeps sending us little panoramics of the beach and all that

just going, I look where I am and you're not he does that all the time it's very funny he does that all the time sometimes I don't even know he's away and I'll just be like oh really you're in the Caribbean class good for you

like it doesn't land as hard like normally it's like a bit of solidarity when he's sending us because he knows that we're like

travelling as well but I've been with him in Antigua and that when he's just sending up these files it's very funny right so Q&A

so everyone in the cheap seats enjoy the questions I hope you get represented well by your patrons keep the lights on Right, so Q&A. So everyone in the cheap seats, enjoy the questions. I hope you get represented well by your patrons. Keep the lights on. We'll try and get through as many as we can this time because last time we did a Q&A, Ari Matierson was on and we went off on tangents and I think we did one question.

Oh, okay. And we just went off on multiple tangents from that. And is that not what people want? I guess so, like it must feel nice to have your question read out does it because again

I know I'm going to do something bad here because we always say that we want more engagement from the podcast listeners

but the reason they don't engage is because we insult them all the time but it is absolute fucking muggle behaviour to not send in a question

not to send in a question we just got them out of the shell I know I know we just got them out of the shell I'm just saying can you imagine what type of fucking muckle like a wee bit of elation favourite podcast boys reading out your question

I know but that in itself is muggly I get it I wrote into fucking Nickelodeon when I was like 14 years old and they read my thing and I was like oh this is cool but I was

I mentioned this in the early days of the podcast but I had my love letter read out on Big Breakfast and I was

fucking humiliated when I went to school and everyone had watched me trying to fucking swoon on some girl from two years below me in school.

Were you a child, Nance? Aye, within the realms of also being a child. Aye, still a child, Nance. Kids, Kenny. Aye, what are they? It's fucking Black Mirror. Gavin Sim, the first person to get a duplid buzz. Outside of the Wheel of Time

obviously the best fantasy series of all times wouldn't it be nice if they made a TV adaptation of it? It would be nice it would be very nice Gavin if they adapted it for a television show, unfortunately they haven't done that nor will they ever What fantasy series are your favourites? I've got a straight answer for this

it's the one called you know what, I think the series is called We Are Legion and the first book is called We Are Bob. I can see how that would be an off-putting title. What's your favourite book? We Are Legion, We Are Bob. You should read it. It's really good.

Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did a 13-year-old write that as well? It's really cool. I've just read book four, which, you know what? It wasn't as good as book 1, 2 and 3 but I'm in it

for the long haul it was still good did he get depression huh did he get depression perhaps he did man Brandon Sanderson is going to be

fucking hanging around you're going to finish that book over there wasn't bad it just looks like your wife left you and your kids

don't really like you anymore you look pretty fucking sad just wonder if you're going to finish that book over there Brandon can you fuck off please I'm just having a tough time in my marriage

like the deadline's not for another three years yeah I'm just wondering I can just see the notes can I just see your notes can I just see your notes on your book can I finish that book

for you he's literally been thrown out of the hospital five times for trying to unplug George R. Martin's fucking life support machine oh I can't fucking wait for George R. Martin to Martin's fucking life support machine.

Oh, I can't fucking wait for George R. R. Martin to die. I think Brandon Sanderson can finish his books. No, no, at this point, I just want George R. R. Martin. If you're that lazy and useless, just die at this point. I've got no sympathy for you. So we are Legion, we are Bob, right? And I'm not going to say, I don't think it's a depression my wife's left his book.

It was like three books that were five out of ten you're really selling it three books that were five stars out of ten stars

five out of five and then one that was like 4.2 still good you know what it was with the fourth book built her idea

like amazing idea amazing concept really fucking went outside the box with the idea, flogged it to death for the entire book, and I felt like it didn't really, like there was more avenue. Because he creates this whole universe, and he kind of stayed in one little microcosm in it.

I'm being hypercritical. But it was still cool. But yeah, the whole fucking, that whole series is class. Do you want us to try and explain what it is no no that's enough I would go for Mistborn Trilogy

is great I've had this recommended from you and my brother-in-law aye it's very very good and the Stormlight Saga

and also best one ever Name of the Wind but just a big warning big warning best one ever Name of the Wind but just big warning big warning to everyone in Name of the Wind if you want to get into

the Stormlight Saga the fifth book isn't out yet but it's Brandon Sanderson so it'll be here right on time whenever you want it don't worry about it it's safe to get involved

in that series that's why it's also safe to get involved in Miss Bourne Name of the Wind and Wise Man's Fear are brilliant they're so good and Patrick Roth

is massive books he is working on the third one but he's got that he's got that he's got that rightist impression that everyone's got

but he's actually working on it as opposed to George R. R. Martin also because I actually saw the book because I've been listening to it on audiobook right

and I was like it's whatever like fucking 38 hours long or some shit right and then i saw the book and it was when we're in austin and i was waiting for the lift and on the like random fucking third fourth floor whatever floor was on there was a small bookshelf and one massive book on it and i pulled the book off and it just happened to be the one i was listening to an audio book and it was as thick as Cullen's cock it's a hefty hefty fucking unit it smelled of dust like Cullen's cock and it was a real page turner

it's a good book and then Lies of Locke Lamora but again similar thing first two books class and then I think his wife said he smelled and then Scott Lynch wrote a and then I think his wife said he smelled. And then Scott Lynch wrote a shiter. I don't know if he knows it's a shiter,

but I wonder if authors get that. You know when you have a bad gig, right, and you come off stage, and it's so, everyone knows. There's not even, it wasn't bad, it's just like, people just acknowledge it like, tough crowd. But occasionally you get people being like, it wasn't bad it's just like people just it's not always like tough crowd but occasionally you get people being like

it wasn't that bad I hate that like at least it diffuses the oh fuck I don't need to like pander around this vulnerable like wounded animal

in the green room but it also makes you think that you're in a room with a fucking psychopath when somebody comes off after a fucking stink in the room out and going

oh yeah they're alright you know took a bit of warming up like what the fuck are oh yeah, they're all right, you know. Took a bit of warming up. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? They're dead. Most of them left. Yeah. Wonder if writers get that.

Because I know that, like, stay away from reviews, don't listen to the fads, you know, write whatever you're going to fucking write and then hope people enjoy it. But I wonder if Scotland knows how much he shat the pen. He's like, I mean, that was a shit. Now there's just more pressure on shat the pen And he's like I mean that was a Now there's just More pressure on me

For the fourth one That bad Not that bad I've just got book two I've just got book two Not that bad But just Like just a real

Big who gives a fuck Just a real Big Oh Oh Oh Who gives a fuck Oh

And he's like And then this guy You remember this guy And you're like, vaguely, I guess, was I meant to pay attention when you brought him in originally? Right.

Because I didn't care then and I don't care now. And they're like, but then also... Like a big reveal that isn't that revealing. Oh, yeah. Just a bit stanky.

And obviously the saga comics, we talked about that last week. Let's see some adaptation of that. Like an arcane style cartoon please Anita Dugan Moore thanks for the question which is as much as you're looking forward to it

what is your biggest fear about becoming a father? Divorce No I'm not worried about that I didn't rush into anything It wasn't a baby to save the relationship No no trust me No, I'm not worried about that. I didn't rush into anything. No. It wasn't a baby to save the relationship. No, no. Trust me, I sampled the world.

My biggest fear about becoming a father would be my wife not loving her own child. Aye. That happens to people and it's a real concern, isn't it? Postpartum depression, aye. The part of your brain doesn't kick in means you're meant

to love it like it eventually will kick in but like women are meant to love it instantly as a man you don't have to

you don't have to love it for a bit like I mean you're not you're not like some dads just go on their whole life with telling their kid

they love them or hugging them I find that weird yeah that's one way of doing it that's one way of doing it mind you one way of doing it

mind you we had a discussion about this amongst our friends a while ago do you tell your dad you love him aye does he tell you

aye exact same I tell my dad I love him all the time my dad doesn't I definitely we fucking sex each other I

definitely my dad would my dad has obviously told me he loved me before but I definitely started saying it way more just because I tell all my people who I love in my life

that I that I love them so my dad definitely he's now more comfortable with it but he was never he never withheld the fact that he loved me but then

so many other friends that's just like no my dad's never said it I'm like Jesus fucking Christ are you are you okay like you think your dad's loved you but it's never been confirmed Matt I'm like Jesus fucking Christ are you okay like you think

your dads love you but it's never been confirmed I feel like men hugging each other is new to my lifetime I'm 40 but I feel like it kind of came in

like the late zeros or the mid zeros especially like in the northeast of England in fact like the tell me dad I love him

and hugging me dad I didn't hug me dad that often as an adult until me grandad died and I think something like kind of switched with me dad where I was like I wish I had hugged me dad I love him and hugging me dad. I didn't hug my dad that often as an adult until my grandad died. I think something kind of switched with my dad where I was like, I wish I hugged my dad more. And then just broke that cycle. Because my dad and my grandad were close,

but I can't remember them ever hugging. Big fan of the handshake and that. I can't imagine shaking my dad's hand. I think that's something nice. Because my dad's got a firm handshake and my grandad had a firm handshake and there's

something nice about like the trustworthy handshake from your fucking dad you know like if you haven't seen

him in a while the handshake always now pulls into a hug in my always like hug but I've always I cannot

imagine not seeing my dad for like two months I shake my father-in-law's hand when it's been a while if I'm seeing him regularly yeah but that's because my father-in-law's hand when it's been a while, if I'm seeing him regularly.

Yeah, but that's because your father-in-law's a crazy old man. But he'd not hug. I've never heard him say to Natalie, Alex, I love you. No, and he never will, and he'll tell her that way. He does love them, and he shows it in different ways. Aye, but he's real old. He's probably an old school Scottish guy.

I can't imagine fucking shaking my dad's hand yeah congratulations on your son thanks dad this isn't fucking weird do you think so like a big like proud

big handshake with a smile nah I would feel you find it more natural to just wrap your arms around and then just lay on his neck

and slip your hand on his throat do I find it more natural to hug my dad than shake his hand 100% absolutely they're both just like

two sides of the same coin they're absolutely not they're only side of the same coin because you spun the second option and turned it into a second thing you spun the hat Jake no I didn't

no no I fuck I straight up what you'd give to a fucking lawyer or a tradie or someone you just fucking met. How do you hug those guys? To your dad.

How do you hug those guys? To your dad. Go to therapy. If you shake your dad's hand, go to therapy immediately. There's no rhyme. We had dad's nice firm handshake. And then like, you know, it's... Fucking Jesus.

After a game of chess I'm just telling you straight up If you shake your dad's hand You're going to be a fucking god awful father Like Because you've got so much learning And so much recovery to do that If your dad shakes your hand

That's a big recovery To catch up with the rest of society I ever shook someone's hand And it's been really weak That's somebody that doesn't shake hands with their dad. They haven't been taught how to handshake

or fucking anybody them, like. Aye. They've never been, that's just a really basic fucking, like, implement that you need in life. Aye. Is a nice, firm handshake. And where are you going to get that from?

If you're not shaking hands with your dad. But I will say this, though. If you're, look, I like a firm handshake. If you're somebody that squeezes my hand with my left hand i will slap you across the fucking jaw right if this is like how fucking dare like what are you are you gonna be so childish right that during handshaking to display some form of dominance you squeeze my hand motherfucker i will slap you immediately across the jaw and be like what game are we playing what's this

who was that for you were trying to suddenly let me know that you're strong with me now everyone in here knows you're a fucking bitch never squeeze my fucking hand again never fucking squeeze my hand again i'll slap you again i'll like the back of my hand across your jaw how dare you i'd rather that than a weak one i'd rather someone power players and fucking come over the top with a handshake than just lift the hand hanging in the air for us to... I feel like I'm being molested. I think my biggest fear of being a father is for my son to turn out anything like me. Don't want that.

Looks wise. Any of them. Don't want him to be anything. I don't want him to have my anger. I don't want him to... You don't want him to have my anger. I don't want him to... You don't want him to have a tiny penis? Yeah, yeah. Because, hey, he doesn't need the confidence I went through with life. Turned me into an arsehole.

Oh, I'm also just worried about other... other adults I will have to deal with that I don't want to deal with and the only reason I have to deal with them Because of my son Oh that's the The worst fear

You've nailed it in one Having to hang out with people You didn't want to hang out with Because your kids are the same Born on the same age In the same area Man I I'm getting annoyed

At bumping into the same dog walkers Yeah So boring Like I'm just saying I don't want to form a bond with these people like i want to put my head full i'm on the verge now i put my headphones on and it's i i'm i can't i can't find it in my being to keep my headphones on and took the dog's leash and walk on i'm too fucking polite take my headphones off i'll have the small talk but now i've kept i've

kept repeating the same small talk so i'm having to come up with new small talk. And I think I'm on the verge now of, while I'm listening to my audio book, talking like I'm on the phone, I think it'll be a lot easier to walk by while you're on the phone. And just like, two seconds. Then tuck your dog away.

Because I fucking, I can't cope. And that is just such a fucking fraction of what it would be from schoolyard, like kids clubs, like whatever sport they get into. You're going to be in WhatsApp groups? I'm not. Cara might be. I'm famous, so absolutely.

One of the great things about being a Z-list celebrity is absolutely nobody ever gets my fucking phone number. Like it's a real... I feel really bad sometimes when people that you know quite well ask me for your number because you change your number and ask me for a new number and i have to be like oh i'll give him yours but i can't give you that number and i just feel like i'm fucking like trying to like act like a manager and all that like i can't give out his business number yeah man if you don't if you don't have my number

you don't have a number welcome to the world you currently live in like I'm sure you can ask me for it the next time you see me and if you don't see me you don't have my number yeah no and also we've had a really good because one of the things I've heard so much about is like other parents are awful and other parents will always give you unsolicited advice

and all this stuff and me and Kat I haven't had that much unsolicited advice in fact a lot of the time I ask men I'm just like any advice any advice everyone I speak to that's a dad I can sift through it and be like oh that's good or that's shit or that's basic or I knew that or whatever but if I

so we've not had any of the unsolicited advice but I can fucking tell man I'm going to raise my kid to how I think is best to raise my kid and I hope I have the strength of character to if I see one of my son's friends being raised in a way that I wouldn't necessarily raise my child being able to just accept that right and just going okay cool and not be judgy and not pass comment I will be judgy and I'll never get rid of that that's part of who I am but it's whether I act

on the judgment yes I you're not gonna you're not gonna be outwardly judgy you're gonna you're gonna just hope they don't listen to the podcast when you slag them. But in my head, I'm going to be like, well, that's a fucking shit kid and it's going to grow up weak.

Right? But that's fine. You're allowed to raise weak kids nowadays. There's nothing wrong with that. Roll eyes. So I think I'll be fine on that.

But if anyone for a fucking second remotely comes up and eh, I noticed your boy the other day did this thing and we actually don't do that in my household and I was like I'll burn your house to the ground

like fuck you don't give me any advice like that I didn't ask for and also I'm worried about that when my ego will come into play because I don't want my kid to see my ego and I don't want it well ideally I'd like to not have an ego

around my kid but I know how massive my ego is so I worry that and how are you going to deal with the PR pressure of like oh but

but Stephen's allowed on his iPad every day and like you know if you've got like little kind of rules in the house of like screen time

and then like somebody's just got relaxed stuff with their parents but then their kids think that mate's parents is cool just because they're a bit shit.

Have you fucking seen where Stephen lives? That's why. That's why he's allowed in his fucking iPod. But the worst thing is, I've drove through your estate, and these are going to have nice houses. So the biggest fear is your relationship with other parents. Yeah, yeah. And also because like,

but also on the other side of things, which is... There might end up being some cool people. There might be, but you know, man, you meet parents that just don't drink at all. There might be a night, genuinely one of my fucking big fears, right?

It's like when I'm, when the kid's like seven or eight or nine, like it's old and we've got another one in there And we're just parents At this point We've been parents for a while And we've got to go to Like one of those things

Where we meet With other parents and stuff And it's like a drinky night Or whatever I am Like I Who knows what the future holds But I can imagine

Imagine at that point in the future I'm probably still smoking weed Not But like And I'll smoke weed in the way That I normally smoke weed Which is If I'm drinking I will weed not but like and I'll smoke weed in the way that I normally smoke weed which is if I'm

drinking I will drink less excuse myself to go and smoke because I much prefer being high to being drunk and I'll go out

and get high and come back in and join in the drinkers and it's absolutely fine I'm worried during that time there will especially

the fucking area I live in you'll be seen as a druggie oh god I can't yeah I can't be arsed like first of all because i don't want to explain to my kids hopefully my kids will not know what marijuana was i'll keep it subtle

enough from them that the only when they're fucking 16 will they go oh so that's what that smell was all those years they'll have that moment of like oh that's why dad's office smelled weird now that we know i thought he had BO i but i'm not doing it in front of them i'm not going out ripping a fucking bong then coming back being a fuck it's like it's you know

it's like a glass of whiskey I wonder what age range your accidental dad friends will be the other because they could be younger than you

they could be way older than you could be way older they could be hey man we live in modern times they could be both men that'd be class like

because I think I think that's when I'll be a bad dad weirdly I think they'd be cooler with the weed thing. Aye. I don't know why so, but I weirdly feel like a homosexual couple would be more cool with smoking weed.

Aye, they wouldn't be gay about it. That's so true. I reckon that would be me, though, because I've still got the innate desire constantly to prove how liberal I am and I reckon if there was

if there's any gay kids sorry if there's any gay parents of a kid in my kids school I'm going to be like go make friends with that kid but daddy's a bully I couldn't give a fucking shit I couldn't give a fucking shit that's the weekend I want away you're just so pleased with the progression it's like the gay dad he's a bully I couldn't give a fucking shit I couldn't give a fucking shit that's who's that's the weekend

I want away you're just so pleased with the progression it's like the gay kid son's the bully nature found a way oh it's so good he's beating up

the heterosexual kid's heterosexual bit it's really good it's oh my god I mean don't go wrong you called him a sissy because he's cis this is amazing

also we're never going to get rid of bullying but it's nice that we were able to change it up that's nice that's good thanks for the question I think that was well answered what has been your favourite non-tour gig i.e. festivals, support gigs etc I got to

it always stands out in my head, I can't remember if the gig went particularly well but just the older I get the more I appreciate it I was on a line up which was me, Michael McIntyre Jason Manford Ronnie Corbett I can't remember who else but

when I look back now, I'm just like, oh my, like Ronnie Corbett is not only dead, but like is down in history as, it's one of the greats of, Hall of Famer. Yeah, yeah.

Hall of Famer. And I got to, I got to talk to him and I got to see him perform, him perform live and it was a different type of standup. It was a very old school form of standup, but it was,

it was brilliant. It was immaculate storytelling. Another one I remember just from... I probably had more interesting gigs recently, but for me, I'm talking about times when I was like, oh my God, this is special. I can't believe I'm here at this moment. There was a gig in fucking Carlisle,

which was me, someone else. I'm going to say, I don't think was sarah millican um but like two other big name comedians like gilbert or something and tim minchin and i was such a big tim minchin fan met him backstage he's obviously the nicest man in the world speaking for ages and he knew i liked his stuff but he spoke to me for like two hours before and then when he was on, I just stood at the side of the stage just watching him just do his set and he saw me while playing the piano and went Daniel just come on, just sit

on stage and watch and so for the entire gig I just sat on the side of the fucking stage and watched him perform. Amazing That's class, that's really cool. I think for me it was one of the set list gigs and for people that don't know what set list is it's this um the conceptual way a kind of comedians that don't usually improv have to

improv you don't really get improv acts on um and over your shoulder i'll be like a screen with a set list heading like you know say if i was to go like if i was to go and do my set and i would have like uh i'm not racist but, or man of the house, or whatever I've written on my hand. I don't write my set list on my hand, but if I did, like each of my routines would have a title. I can name you a bunch of comics who do though. I see, I've seen writing on hands live with the Apollo.

Grow up. Grow up. Be a fucking professional. I learned how to drive in an automatic. Do your job. Do your fucking job. I used to write stuff on the back of my hand. You know what?

My mum called me out on it. My mum, when I was fucking 17 years old, when you stop writing on the back of your hand, just go on. You know your jokes. Do it. Take notes on on a preview and refer to your notes

and let them know it's a preview let them know it's a free point of ticket because you haven't memorised your fucking stuff yet you're doing like 45 minutes and I'm going to look at my notes and I'm going to get back to you

and set it up like that they weren't sly they weren't sly I cheated and also before you quote Stuart Lee Stuart Lee does it as a bit that's part of the act that is Stuart Lee.

That doesn't count. Nick Elm done a really funny one where he kept looking at his hand and doing his set list and it's jarring because he's making it obvious. Then eventually he pulls up his shirt and he's got loads of stuff written on his belly. That's the set up to the joke. He's just got bits of joke written all over his body and he's hitching doing his trousers and it's written on his leg.

That's great. So, yeah yeah set list so it would come up like a heading for a joke that isn't yours so you'd look over your shoulder

and it'll be like low self esteem dominate ricks or time travelling nazi and it's a set list heading for a routine that doesn't exist

and you've just got to pretend that's your routine and wing it and you get like five or six slides sort of thing and like it just attracts amazing comics like John Bishop's done it eddie has i've done it

trevor noah was fucking amazing on it but one of the best gigs i've ever been at was when beady man did it were you in the room that day beady man he's a beatboxer and he uses loop pedals and shit and he's not a stand-up comedian but he's a funny funny guy and he got up and just fucking smashed it and even one of them he just left all his equipment aside and just done a straight stand-up comedian, but he's a funny, funny guy. And he got up and just fucking smashed it. And even one of them, he just left Ali's equipment aside and just done a straight stand-up and smashed it. But some of the fucking tunes he made based around the setlist headings behind him were fucking, I was like,

you know when you're just watching a proper artist like smashing the craft, like finding flow in the zone. I think, yeah, hosting the setlist, many of the set list shows but hosting the set list that Barry Mann headlined on at the stand

during the Fringe in like 2017 I think it was it was fucking one of the best gigs I've ever seen live in my life I did

Darren who's Barry Mann did his show every year during the festival and then one year he was doing he was doing

we just came up with an album on the spot every night based on audience suggestions for song titles and whether it was R&B, whether it was rap whether it was fucking like salsa music

or whatever it was and he wanted to make the live show a bit more interesting so he got me to come on and pretend to be his American agent so I just dressed up and did a Tom Stade impression so there's a whole thing I got and he made me do it on the fucking live stream as well and pretend to be his American agent. And so I just dressed up and did a Tom Stade impression. Nice.

So there's a whole thing I got. And he made me do it on the fucking live stream as well. He did this live stream on YouTube fucking years and years ago. And I got a huge pile of... Oh, shit. I got a huge pile of baby powder to make it pretend to be cocaine. I got a bunch of fucking Tic Tacs, pretend they were pills and everything. How vaguely do you remember this?

Got a full bottle of whiskey, poured it into a different bottle of whiskey poured some apple juice in it and fucking just went on the lives and so it was meant to be he was making the concept was he was making an album and then it would cut through to his american agent who was obviously in la and that was me just literally five feet away from him but with a different background and dan was just like just be an arsehole and just be somebody that doesn't understand music or get music and just and man i don't know if or get music and just and man I don't know if it was funny just be an A&R guy

just channel the guy from Kill Your Friends yes I and so I was just I was doing my biggest loudest Tom Stade impression and then we were on the YouTube comments afterwards

and this was well before any I'd done anything people just thought I was just genuinely like not even a good American accent but people were like

this guy's a fucking arsehole and doesn't know anything about music i just thought you were real yep amazing have you seen um death to 2021 yes the is it morpheus laurence fishburne like some of those characters i bet yeah people watching it think they're watching real characters and they think they're smart because they're like oh my god God, these people are so stupid. And you're like, no, you're an idiot because you didn't understand parody was parody.

Aye, but it's parody that's so close to reality. Like when you look at the Madison from Madison, whatever it's just called, the like fucking like female Alex Jones type. That is just what,

that's just what that ilk of person's like. Like the fucking nail it. I guarantee that the comments you got for that were rife for that show. There was also one of the favourite movements that there's been in the past two years.

Have you heard of the conspiracy theory, birds aren't real? So basically a bunch of teenagers are so bored with how stupid and gullible boomers are and they'll believe fucking anything online. So as a joke, they all start just saying, birds aren't real. They're all all just all birds were taken out in 1962 and they were replaced by flying drones with cameras in them and it's and it's just them taking the piss

out of how stupid it was eating that chicken dinner again this is amazing i guarantee you there are fucking boomers that have stumbled across that fucking joke and now sincerely and wholeheartedly believe that birds aren't fucking real aye fuck man thank you for the question Alice so I would answer that one Anita Dugan-Moa says

I drove to Dallas to see you both and it was worth the five hour drive thank you for taking the time from Oklahoma what are the chances you might visit Tulsa

in the next tour no idea that's where Chandler Bing Went to work isn't it It's the only reason I know that place We love you here too The Brady Theatre

Right okay So that was just When we come to Tulsa No idea I don't know But If there's a market for it I'm sure it'll happen

Sarah Mounter Have you settled on A baby name yet No Would you have had A name chosen if he were a girl? no but we would have had more chosen because girl names are easier than boys names so still no answer on the name front

is there a particular show, gig, podcast you would really love to do in the future and that's from Heather I would love to be on Taskmaster but I'm not famous enough for it nah i feel i feel like the like i would just not on the radar for taskmaster or no like would be class on it it would be built around i would just enjoy it i think it'd just be fun i think i think

that would show that would show through i and uh i think it would get pretty competitive as well yep aye I think Taskmaster is the answer to that one and also that

new Ant & Dec game show Limitless I see it's my fucking mate you know how I was really angry

when I come downstairs to make food and you were watching the first episode of The Circle and I ended up binging 10 episodes of The Circle

with you and loving it, and I was really ashamed of myself. There's a game show called Limitless with Ant and Dick where the question has a numerical answer, and you've got to guess it closest to the fucking exact number. Right. And you can't go over or you're out. So you're always trying to...

It's not a prices-right game, kind of. Yeah, always trying to... Kind of. And you've got to try and go under, right? But if you by six you lose six lives okay and you can gain lives by getting it perfectly right and like you can only cash out if you've got a perfectly right answer so you could be like on a hundred thousand right but you haven't gotten an answer perfectly right you've just been close under that you haven't lost enough lives but the last one you got exact could be like five thousand so you could be on a,000 and then cash out on five.

But if you get exactly, man, it's convoluted. But I have been fucking hooked the last two Saturdays watching that. I'm so ashamed. But I want to get on Limitless. I think it's because I've watched it with Natalie's family. On Saturday it was just with her brother and his lass. And it was with her whole family the time before. It just, like, you can really get engaged in it with the family. You can really, like...

Am I that old now? Yes, yes, you are. Yeah, okay. Translates to your question. Let's move on to the next one. I'd also say David O'Doherty's got a David O'Doherty's got a show where he just cycles around

with other comedians and talks shite and I'm like always those ones aye any time it's just me

hanging out with another comic talking shop comedians in cars getting coffee aye all of that all of that

if I'm ever talking to a fucking peer about the thing we love most get me heavily involved aye

that's why you like this podcast so much you're gonna tell me i wasn't a peer hey what is the worst oh no hold on i've skipped one this is from franja uh for cream how do you reckon uh how do you reckon before you start missing comedy how long do you reckon before you start missing comedy you were fucked off with comedy and touring before the pandemic but when the much neededneeded break, although unannounced, came, you struggled.

Oh, well, yeah, okay, I take your point. Yeah, so I wanted to take time off after X and then was given the fucking pandemic. So I don't consider that time off because the time off after the tour was meant to be, oh, this is a chance for me to reflect on... Well, I was supposed to go to Bali. Aye, reflect on myself take some time to just be daniel uh as opposed to daniel sloss

and just like live my normal life and sort of get used to that again and and then wait for the passion of comedy to come back and then the pandemic hit and so i didn't get to do that because i didn't because that wasn't none of us were ourselves during the first bit of lockdown it was in a uh an insane time and I sort of forced me back into stand-up quicker because stand-up was the only thing that got me out the fucking house as soon as possible because that was how I could so I needed stand-up because that that was me going to do gigs that was me trying to get money that was how i got into um australia um so not sure like i don't hate stand up the gig in aberdeen was really fun like i enjoyed it if i'm being 100 honest i still don't like this show that i'm doing that much and that's just because i've done

it so much and i just don't think it's particularly my you always had the fear that you're short-changing people that came for the deep dark message driven uh shock well no but it's also i know what i'm capable i know what i'm capable of doing and i know i wrote this show as a palate cleanser as a palate cleanser it did what it needed to do but you're like you're like how long do i just keep eating the ginger after my sushi i um i don't know how long it'll be. Like, it might be quick. I mean, I've been writing stand-up already. Like, I come out every day to this office and just try and write for half an hour, 45 minutes to an hour.

Sometimes I write for a bit longer. Sometimes I write for less. But I've been just sort of forcing myself to sit down just so that when I do have the desire to get back to do stand-up, that I've got stuff that I can go on stage with and I'm enjoying the process of writing again but it's not

it's not I'm too excited to be a dad I just want to do that your focus is elsewhere and you let it come naturally I've agreed to do the fringe this year and I'm already feeling the process because I'm looking at the house like I'm agreed to do the fringe this year and I'm already feeling the process because I'm looking at the house like

I'm going to tidy that I'm going to clear out my wardrobe and get rid of the stuff and I'm like oh this is part of the writing process for me the writing process is procrastinate your house immaculate and then start writing it's like a weird form of nesting

my way that sometimes I trick myself into writing is I'll get, I'll come out to the office and I'll be writing and then the weed will be there and I'll just find myself smoking some weed and I'll feel so guilty that I've smoked weed during the day that I'll force myself to write for another hour. Get some work done to feel the...

Yeah, because I've got to be like, well, now I've got to do something to prove that I'm not... Sense of achievement. Yeah, yeah, and then... You can't feel like a loser when you've achieved. Yeah. And, you know, it's... I find it a good way to write.

You know, a good way of writing, I discovered at the start of 2020, is write a list of things you could write about. Just get into the habit of writing a list. list of things you could write about, right? Just get into the habit of writing a list, right? Even if you just fucking start your day with just writing a list of like anything, just fucking pick a thing,

like things you want to do with your year, write a list, right? And write a list of things you could do comedy about. And then take one of them things and write a list about the things within that topic you could write about. And then you start like doing

like a chain off a list. And then I just start writing. I just start writing longer form bits in the middle of my list, topic you could write about and then you start like doing like a chain off a list and then i just start writing i just start writing longer form bits in the middle of my list writing and i found that it's like because when because the hardest bit about starting writing is blank bit of paper no inspiration i don't know what i'm going to do but if you can just start the pen moving in that way you can end up fucking doing shit so i think that's the method i'm going to take once my house has got no dust in it feel free to clean our house

when our bathroom's done to the fucking building side it's real bad I mean for insurance this year okay what is the best and worst bit of parrot and advice Cream has received so far

and what's Daniel's world views? Which of Daniel's world views does Kai think will change first once he becomes a dad? That's a great question Emil. Can you do bits of advice first? Well the best bit of advice that I've gotten is from so many

Mark Nelson's been a real fountain of good advice as has Milo but their advice is very similar which is just the very honest, which is man just take it every day as it comes, there's nothing you can do there's no one defining moment of you being a father, it's an ongoing thing

you'll learn slowly but it won't feel fast enough for you but it'll also slip by so just, all the good advice has been slow down and just enjoy it and don't allow yourself to get too stressed

if you can and then aye that's the thing like you could you could probably get so wrapped up in worry and stress that you forget

to enjoy it yeah that happens to a lot of people with like their first gigs and that yeah yeah yeah

and it's the thing I always say people go why don't you get nervous when you do stand-up because stand-up is so much fun, why would you let negative emotions take away from the experience? Yeah, unwanted passenger.

Yeah, so I'll hopefully do the same. No, so I'm not going to be fucking self-conscious for my child. I don't care if he thinks I'm a shit dad. He's not going to know I'm a shit dad until he's 21 and he's in therapy. Like, you can do a really, really shit, you can do a fucking really shit job of being a parent and the kid can still turn out fucking

immaculate the other thing you can do a brilliant job and the kid can turn out to be a cunt just do what you can I think your world view is going to change

in that you're going to go from being the main character in your own story to being like the sub character in your own story and I think you're going

to be fine with that because you know when the Punisher coming to Daredevil in season 2 it was still Daredevil aye and it was still going

but it was about the Punisher wasn't it aye it was class aye I think your world view is going to change in very much the same way

as Daredevil season 2 which was better than Daredevil season 1 which isn't to say Daredevil season 1 wasn't good no and Daredevil's still a key character better than Daredevil Season 1. Which isn't to say Daredevil Season 1 wasn't good. Daredevil's still a key character.

Aye, but there's a better, cooler one in the story. And he comes back for Season 3 when Punisher moves out and has his own series. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For Muggins, are you going to knit stuff for the new baby? What are your gigging plans for this year's solo tour perhaps? I'll answer that question first. My first solo show is on the 13th of March in Glasgow. I hope you're going to knit stuff for the new baby what are your gigging plans for this year solo to have perhaps i'll answer that question first my first solo shows on the 13th of march in glasgow i hope you're nearby uh who's this peter bergman uh bregman sorry mate um i hope you're near scotland

i'm going to be in in there i've just found out that i've got an offer for a gig in aberdeen to do a solo show nice i only saw the heading of the email so i'm putting a couple of solo shows in gonna do the fringe i'm doing some club gigs, I'll update my website and now that's needed down for a while, like that'll be part of me procrastinating before I write a word.

But aye, a couple of solo shows, a fringe run and some club gigs is that. And what was the other question again? Am I going to knit baby stuff?

You know what, my problem has been with knitting baby stuff is a lot of people have been having babies and I didn't want to look like, you know, like if I knit a jack or something

then I'm like oh shit now I've got to knit eel or something now I've got to knit I don't have a name yet your child something I'm like if I knit one item

I've got to probably knit about half a dozen items you're going to turn into a little Etsy store aye but I'm I'm getting right back into my audio books again

so it's not out of the question that there'll be some knitted garms coming everybody's way. Fucking nice. And also, I'm in the middle of finishing some fingerless gloves at the minute, and I'm going to give them away as one of the prize draws that we'll do at the end of this. Excellent.

Because you're going to write a handwritten letter. I'm going to give away some fingerless gloves, and we'll do a merch. We'll do an item of merch of their choice, and we'll do signed books. So we'll do a merch, we'll do an item of merch of their choice and we'll do signed books. So we'll do four draws. We're only all three but that's like a sorry we're late for the prize draw.

Andy Bendix. Question for Cream. If the new arrival is born with a superpower, what would you like it to be and would you let him use it freely for good or evil or would you encourage him to hide his power? And then the second question from Muggins, oh, we'll get to the Muggins question after this one. If the new

is born with a superpower, what would you like? So I get to choose the superpower. Oh, I mean, in a purely fucking selfish kind of way, maybe likeverine's just gonna constantly like heal just so even if i am a shit dad for the first couple of years he heals instantly and then also so like did you did you drop the kid down the stairs absolutely no i did that was i was banging upstairs didn't drop the kid at hand over an absolutely uninjured baby and be like, I'm a wonderful father.

And then as he gets older, he's going to get annoyed because he's obviously going to be like, do I just regenerate all the time? And we'll have fun with that. We'll hit him with cars. I'll put him on the front of the Tesla. Like, we'll have a good... I've just realised how bad a superpower the power of healing is

because you don't get to use it unless something horrendous happens to you. Aye, aye. You can't just in your day-to-day life use your superpower unless you purposefully hurt yourself all right well unless you've got the claws that come out there but i wouldn't want to have the weapons and then all i would like him to live have the regenerative thing so that he would live forever just because i think that's imagine putting scratch mittens on your kid when they've got wolverine. Aye, straight through. It's like, fuck, your knitting's just not good enough, mate. You've got to need a knitwear.

If he lives forever, and he knows he's going to live forever, I don't have enough... The only reason I don't take over the world is because I don't have enough time to take over the world. Whereas if you were to give me 200 years, in which I'm going to outlive all my fucking... You can do real good bits of planning

knowing you're going to be alive 200 years in the future. So I think I'd set him up for that as well as I could. You're going to be king of the world one day and you might have to... Well, I mean, you don't even have to kill people to get it. You just have to outlive them. So you're going to have them a pre-designated fate as the superpower? Well, no, no. Well, I'm going to die and they're going to kill people to get it you just have to outlive them so just you're going to have them a pre-designated fate as the superpower

well I'm going to no no I'm going to die and they're going to live beyond that but I'm going to try I'm going to try and release them on the right path and be like

hey you're going to live forever so you might as well fix the world in that time because what else are you going to do in your endless fucking life I play the witcher

I've been really enjoying it actually I'm in I'm in Cool It's The story's Fucking really creative And fun

Good for them I'm in story mode If you follow the story Class Question from Muggins If somebody offered you 200 grand for Peggy What would be the lie

You'd tell your wife As to how the dog vanished I wouldn't sell her You wouldn't sell her. You wouldn't sell her for 200 grand? For 200 grand? No. 200, you can get another one.

You can get another 200. You can offer us a fucking million. I've got a nice life. I fucking don't want me a million pounds. I wouldn't sell her. Pathetic. I wouldn't sell her. But that's the lie I would tell I'm just practising the lie

I wouldn't sell her So I don't know where she's gone That's the lie I wouldn't sell her I wouldn't Who knows where she's gone What do you mean Where I got the money from

Daddy paid me more 200 grand's like a fucking It's that like teaser amount as well isn't it That 200 grand's like a fucking, it's that like teaser amount as well, isn't it? That 200 grand's like you're fucking, pretty much pay off me. Who's that? I genuinely wouldn't sell her.

I don't think I'd enjoy my life if I was just willing to sell a loved one. Even if I was a fucking multi-billionaire and I could uplift communities with the money. I just think the person I'd be would be absolutely fucking compromised. You say loved one. Dog you've had less for the new year. How do people deal with losing a dog? When I hear people losing their dogs I'm like could be worse

could be a family member couldn't be worse couldn't be worse dogs are innocent they're too innocent man it's just fucking that's like it's one of those things where you like

how much would how much would you pay to like chop off your hand or something it would be like it would be a little bit like losing a limb and I'm like

I'm not greedy enough to fucking compromise the nice life I have I don't think I'd sell that coward

cream this one's from Sonia Markic Slavic name I don't think I'd sell her. Coward. Cream. This one's from Sonia. Markic? Slavic name. Have you considered, once your son is older, maybe taking them on bits of your tour to see the world, or would you prefer to just travel normally with them? Oh, yeah.

I mean, the second, even this year, with the rescheduled Germany dates, we're going to try and bring eh baby out with us then just because the dream is at least for the first five years

I felt like you nearly said a name there we don't have a name so you're not like you've not got one in your head that you haven't fully decided on yet

but you're like starting to get used to forming the word in your mouth nah we've got a list of three but no one that we're like they'd stay

I don't he doesn't have a name in my head I don't even know what the cunt looks like it is probably best to mute them first yeah

and then you go oh right it's a Steve so yeah man I want my kids not for the like not future tours

but for the next five years yes when I tour family will be coming because while we can't while the kids don't have school and you're not dragging them away from anything important then they should see the world and also and i mean this in the nicest way i will not under any fucking circumstance

raise a child that is scared of flying under any circumstance there's some things I will not accept from my child and that is and one of them is fear of flying now he's getting a ferry to an away game when you're a premier league footballer

a fucking tennis tennis big camp grow up grow up and get on the fucking flight grow up would you

Frankie Boyle one of the best comedians that is ever come out of this country the reason he's not famous is because the fucking man is too much of a pussy to get on a fucking plane one of the best comedians that is ever come out of this country the reason he's not famous

is because the fucking man is too much of a pussy to get on a fucking plane grow up read the statistics get on a fucking plane he could absolutely be global aye

and the same thing with I mean I've got less control over this one but man if I have a if I have a son that gets fucking car sick I'm gonna hold that over Cara's head for the rest of our relationship. Be like, that's a fucking genetically weak baby,

you fucking... Car sick in 2022. Cars have existed for a hundred fucking years at this point. How is your body and brain not cut up? Gross. Ugh. Is he tall enough to get on that roller coaster?

Aye, but he's too weak. Aye, he's too scared. Aye. He's tall enough to get on that roller coaster? Aye, but he's too weak. Aye, he's too scared, aye. He's tall enough, but he doesn't have the backbone for it. So yeah, and also I think if my son travels a lot early on, he'll be like, travel makes you less likely to be bigoted and keeps you open-minded. So I think that'll be good for him and then Lewis McClellan question

from Muggins. Fuck, marry, kill Steve Bruce, Niall Quinn. I'm joking yeah I'd fuck the Maccom Which one's the Maccom? Niall Quinn Right. It could have been Steve Bruce. Oh, this is the worst. Joe, can you...

I got fucking... Got you what? Relegated. Steve Bruce, he's on me to sweat a lot. Aye. You can't marry Steve Bruce. You can't wake up to that every day. Oh, he seems like a nice enough guy, like Steve Bruce, he's on me to sweat a lot. Aye. You can't marry Steve Bruce, you can't wake up to that every day.

Oh, he seems like a nice enough guy, like Steve Bruce. Aye. He kind of, aye, like... Do you want his erection in the small of your back every morning? Yeah, I'm fucking joking, yeah. No, I'm not fucking that, I'm kidding. Aye. But you're marrying him.

You don't have to fuck him to have his erection in the small of your back. That's marriage. I don't have much options do I I'm going to kill Joe Kinnear I'm going to shag up Steve

Bruce I'm going to shag the arse off the mug what a shade question Lewis you an arsehole we'll do one more

and then we'll do the fucking draw for these cunts questions alright there's a question for both and then we'll do the fucking draw for these cunts questions alright there's a question for both and then a question for one each from Sophie Renfrey both

hi Sophie how and when did you become such good friends first tour would it have to be yeah we got thrown in

the two out together we've like barely known each other we met each other at the Fringe playing football. Did we discuss this on the pod? We have done, yeah. Because you know when we used to do the origin stories and we used to pretend we were going to tell the origin story but then spin off and tell a fake origin story

then knowingly never get back to how we actually met? We did. We have told the story of how we actually met there. Hebs under 17, girls football. Yeah, we've told that a bunch of times. Okay, so we played football together against a girls team. And then we were just, then we were putting a six day tour together.

And then we were asked how we enjoyed it. And we did. We actually were trying to do a bit of writing in the car. I remember we were trying to write ideas for sketches. Aye. Aye. And we had like a little notepad and whoever was on the passenger side

was like writing little notes down on that. Yeah, yeah. I've probably still got them notepad And whoever was On the passenger side Was like writing Little notes down on that Yeah I've probably still got Them notepads in there Somewhere That was when we were Just desperately At least I was

Desperately fucking Trying to get laid Because I think we did bang At least I did bang At that first ever Dundee gig Because that was when My mate Morris

Was up And he was at Dundee Uni then And the three of us And was there a guy called Gorgeous George or something? Aye, Gorgeous George. Do you remember that name? Was Roo there? Roo was there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I didn't connect the dots that Roo had been there for ages after I'd known Roo. Aye, aye. I only had eyes for one man. I only had eyes for one man And then we went on a Fucking 52 Date tour but over the course of like 60-65 days

In your fucking Vauxhall Astra Up and down the country We met in the August of 2009 And then by The January of 2010 We'd spent like married couple amounts of time with each other and we didn't fall out

we didn't argue because we're very good at shutting the fuck up around each other sometimes and I think that's more you being aware of what I'm like which is man I can go quite happily a full day without talking to someone and it won't even be noteworthy to me

like I can just get through it I'll be fine and you picked up on that you're like oh I can just listen to music or oh and if conversation arrives I'll fucking join in on it but what I don't like is we're near each other so we have to have a conversation I don't agree with that as a concept I can sit and stare at you for four hours and unless we have something to talk about, let's not waste this silence with a fucking boring conversation. And I mean that when you're spending

two months with someone. Obviously, if you're spending four hours with someone, you talk to them all the time, but if it's every fucking day, my biggest nightmare would be getting into a fucking car and someone would be like how do you sleep?

none of your fucking business man none of your business drive to the next fucking gig what are you talking about? we spoke all day yesterday we spent last night having a couple of parties together I don't need to talk to you

in the fucking morning nothing's changed some mornings I'll talk to you quite a bit but in a WhatsApp group exchange with other friends while sat opposite you in an airport without speaking a word um i i think i think yeah we we did you know grass there grassy

center was a we're going to marbella in june right just a few of the geordie lads like people are starting to turn 40 new amongst my friends it's matty's 40th and so i got out for him and um i was like i found flights from glasgow i'm going to I got out for him and I was like I found flights from Glasgow I'm going to meet you in Malaga and he was like oh but you're going to be

travelling on your own like this is grass he was like you know when he goes on holidays like part of the ritual of going on holidays the flight and all that

like you can travel with work so he was like oh you're going to be travelling alone though I was like man I've been like Australia and back on my own like eight times

and I'm like half of that European tour I'm travelling alone and even when I'm with you you're travelling alone that's what I mean I'm like the concept of travelling alone

you forget that it's just normal for us but it's alien to other people it's like yeah

it's like the excitement that Gene gets at an airport shop and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about you see them every see one every day Cream Can you choose the best audience you've ever had

And why And if it's not Punch Drunk Blythe why the hell not What's the best audience I've ever had I mean there is no such thing as the best audience There's just There's too many good audiences Out there but where are you most likely To get the best audience there's just too many good audiences out there but where are you most likely to get the

best audiences whereas there are a higher rating of good audiences as much as it pains me to ever throw any compliment Australia's way they are and have been consistently for the past 10 years some of the

best crowds, well crowds that I get, well, biggest audience I get around the world. If you discount the old Junglers gigs, Glasgow is a fucking hot ticket for a good crowd. Yeah, aye, aye. Aye, they're good. Scotland's, I mean, man, I loved, we loved Perth early doors.

Perth, Scotland was so good to us for so many years. And then it's really hard because there's places that we love because for so many years they've always been consistently good to us. Weirdly enough, Lincoln. Lincoln's always been a decent fucking crowd and we've been going there for long enough that we've got our own audience and I don't think people would expect it, but we do enjoy gigging in Lincoln. But in the past five years, because of the success, people think you're being disingenuous

when you gig in Moscow and New York and LA. And you're like, It's good to be in Lincoln. You don't mean that. You're like, no, it's nice to be here. Also, you've got to remember, you're an audience that are used to us and we're used to you.

A lot of these other places, you know, gigging in America is fun, but American audiences still aren't at the level where they're they're the loudest audiences but they're not the best audiences because they're not the best behaved because manners aren't a thing in america social she said in the question another question wasn't for me but my like the punch drunk gigs are just like they're my actual home gig like i'm a different comic when i'm on a punch drunk like i don't really even think about what i'm gonna say

next i just get up and just start being myself and it's fucking i love it all right and i like the punch drug ones because it's i don't have to check my accent on note all right it's a bit bare pity but i like that oh yeah people getting drunk on a Monday. It's just, yeah, if you were to do one of your sets that has pregnant pause and a real fucking deep and meaningful, or you might make some audience members cry or feel deeply uncomfortable, it's probably not the best pitch to play on

for that kind of show. But if you're going up and just doing a club set, I don't think you can fucking beat them. And also, I've known the Punch Drunk audience for over 10 years now. So they've known me for over 10 years. So it's kind of...

Aye. You're like adopted. Aye, aye. And it's, you know, sort of, yeah, yeah. That's why it's fun. And for you, will you be back to MC any of the Punch Drunk this year or even better there with your own set? And also, do you miss BlytheC, any of the Punch Drunk this year, or even better, there with your own set,

and also do you miss Blythe and its quirky ways? Yes, I do. Now I'm up in Glasgow instead of London, I'm fucking coming back to tune matches. I keep getting tune tickets and then coming back and seeing my family and friends. And I actually stayed at the Commissioner's Quay instead of crashing at someone's house because I had the dog. So I've been coming back and re-immersing myself back in Blythe

after being locked down in London during the dog. So I've been coming back and re-immersing myself back in Blythe after being locked down in London during the pandemic. And I shot Gav the dates I was free for the coming months for if he wants to do a Punch Drunk. It's on him. He's got a kid. He organises the gigs.

It's on Gav when he runs it next, but I've told him when I'm free. And if Matt Reid's free at the same time, I'll maybe get him to host it and I'll do a set. It's the answer to that one, because I want to get Matt Reid back in like it's his crowd too

because we share the MC and roll it just didn't work out on Christmas because we were doing all the rearrange to our dates on the only dates that the clubs could do

so that's the only reason I wasn't back for that one but the next one will be booked depending on my availability is the answer so yes yes

I can't wait so that's enough questions for new thanks for all the questions sorry we didn. That's kind of weird. Sweet. That's enough questions for now. Thanks for all the questions. Sorry we didn't get through all of them. But you did ask millions, so thank you for that.

Yes, thank you for participating and engaging, even though we're bullies. Right, so this bit is for the patrons because anybody who's a £5 patron gets entered into the draw once. Anybody who's a £10 patron gets entered into the draw once. Anybody who's a £10 patron gets entered into the draw twice. So we're going to give four of you a prize. If you're not a patron,

the podcast's finished. Thanks for tuning in. No, no, it's not. Stay there and fucking listen. And listen to what you fucking miss out on, you fucking cheap cunts. Right? Don't you fucking dare turn this off.

Aye, aye. Hand away. Keep this fucking playing. Listen to what you don't get to be involved in. So this one is going to be for a handwritten letter from you. Right. Right. This is number 433.

And the winner is... Callum Roberts. I type that in. And this one is going to be from a pair of knitted fingerless gloves from Muggins. 206.

Oh. Oh, you've just deleted someone. Good. Well, number 198, you're gone. Marty Cubena. Marty Cubena is getting some hand-knitted fingerless gloves. Gloves. This is for an item of merch from the store of your choice. 312.

Mark Allison. Mark Allison. Mark Allison, yeah. That's a boy's name, then a girl's name. What's your fucking problem, Mark? Progressive. Which is? Merch. Merch.

And this one is from a signed book of each of our books. 126. That's Joseph you ask Josephine Josephine I think she's already got them I think she's already got them if you Josephine

if you want a piece of merch instead or if like if you want a handwritten letter or if you want some handwritten fingerless gloves let me know what alternative you got because I think you've already got

the same books let us know which and we'll sort you there you go Josephine wasn't that fun wasn't that fun Wouldn't that fun All you fucking tight cats

Being like Oh god I wish I had that Wish I had those merch Wish I had those books Well you can buy those On websites Google them You can get them all

Apart from the Apart from the And also Goodbye for a bit Just him Just me I'm off For

I can't I don't imagine it'll be Too long But I also imagine at least a month just while but maybe not maybe I'll just get

fucking bored maybe being a parent's the easiest thing in the fucking world and I'll just be like can you please come around and do a podcast

because there's nothing else to do or you'll be like can I quickly come around and do a podcast because I need a little bit of fucking relief here and you'll be like oh sorry babe

I've got to hi you've got the old ball and chains here and she's like eh that's what huh also uh like this may be the last time i see you before you hear a kid let's uh come and just just to hang out well gloom haven we're gonna have a game of gloom not this week but next week right sweet sweet um i because i know when you have a kid you're not gonna like instantly just want everybody around you

so will you just let us now when you want us to come round yes me and Cara it would be like a weekend and Kai hasn't been around yet because I'm giving you this like no no no

no no we've got we've got like in the house we've got a board and it's like we're going to be either go for two or three

visitors a day everyone gets like a one hour slot and it's an hour slot where we're like hey we love you this is great but we're exhausted so in they go say hi fuck off we've got

three hours to recover and then the person who visits us at lunch comes in we do that for an hour off you fuck we get another couple of hours to ourselves somebody comes in the evening so aye so let us nab me slot aye and I'll report back everyone on the podcast

once I've kissed your baby and thank you for listening stick around I'll be back in a month or so about your left in the ferry

where are the arms of Mark Nelson and Kai and all the other guests that are coming up it's gotta be class wish me luck bye