Small Town Murder - Like An Evil Onion - Whitewater, Colorado

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

This week, in Whitewater, Colorado, a horribly murdered man sparks an investigation that shows that someone may have been after him for a while, even trying to blow up his car, weeks before his death. But a threatening note to his widow, claiming "you're next" blows the case wide open, leading to a treasure trove of evidence. The suspect turns out to be the last person that the dead man would've expected, and it also turns out that this murderer has no depths to which they will not sink!!   Along the way, we find out that there are an awful lot of ghost stories in the mountains, that when someone tries to blow you up, you should maybe be pretty curious to find out who did it, and that cutting a barcode off of a card doesn't mean it's not traceable!!   New episodes, every Wednesday & Friday nights!! Check us out on VIDEO Wednesday and Friday evenings on Netflix! www.netflix.com/smalltownmurder Go to shutupandgivememurder.com for all things Small Town Murder, Crime In Sports & Your Stupid Opinions!   Follow us on... instagram.com/smalltownmurder facebook.com/smalltownpod   Also, check out James & Jimmie's other shows, Crime In Sports & Your Stupid Opinions on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts!!

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Ready to get started? Visit night and day, decor.com or call 647-360-6151. That's night and day decor. This week in Whitewater, Colorado, a brutally murdered man sparks an investigation that shows that someone may have been after him for a while, even trying to blow up his car weeks before. But a threatening note to his widow blows the case wide open. Welcome to Smalltown Murder. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Small Town Murder. Yay!

Yay, indeed, Jimmy. Yay, indeed. My name is James Petrogalo. I'm here with my co-host. I'm Jimmy Whistman. Thank you folks so much for joining us today. And another absolutely crazy, trust me, addition of small town. I believe it.

Not that we, you know, ever not, we don't ever deliver a non-crazy one. You know, there's so much murder to. Just mailed in. Just mailed in. This one, yeah, not taking a whole lot, you know, a whole lot of care with this one. Not real interesting and we just threw it together. So here it is. We're busy this week.

We're real busy. No, crazy story coming up. We will get to that. Before we do, absolutely head over to shut up and give me murder. Come. Fine. Everything there. Merchandise, everything from skateboards to shower curtains to coffee cups, and especially

get your tickets for live shows. Let's do this. After the summer, we are back in full force. This is a rough September and October for us, but good for you guys. We will be at the Pabst and Milwaukee on September 18th, which is one of the best venues in the country. Beautiful. It's just fantastic.

And the shows are always great there. It's a good time. Then the next day we'll be in Minneapolis, which is one of our favorite places to play as well. We love it there. We'll be at the state theater there. Get your tickets now. Milwaukee's out selling you guys. You can't let that happen. It's incredible. Get in there, Minneapolis. Then also September 3rd, Dallas, September 16th, San Jose,

the 17th in Sacramento, and then in November the 13th and 14th in Terrytown, New York, and Boston. So get your tickets right now and get in there and see us. Shut up and Give Me Murder.com. As well as listen to our other shows, Crime in Sports. If you are into cults and murders, you're going to love what we're doing right now, a multi-part series on the Yahweh Ben-Jew cult,

and it's crazy. All the murders, we get into a lot of detail there, and then your stupid opinions is absolutely hilarious, and you just have to hear it. It's crazy. And then, on top of that, get Patreon. My God, what are you waiting for? Patreon.com slash crime in sports

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never heard before. Immediately it's upon subscription. Then you're going to get new ones every other week, one crime and sports, one small town murder, and you get them all. That's it. This week, which you're going to get for crime and sports, we're going to talk about hostage situations, which we did the Stockholm one, and it's so interesting, the dynamics that go on in a hostage breakdown.

So we're really going to check that out. Then for small town murder, Corey Richens Part. Three. Her sentencing happened, and it wasn't just a mere sentencing. Her kid's statements came in, which contradict everything she said happened that night. They talk about being forced to eat uncooked lasagna and all this crazy stuff from her. And then she does an allocation. That's crazy, too.

So it's wild. Cory Richens. Yeah, she is. Corey Richens, part three. So that's patreon.com slash crime in sports. And on top of all of that, you get all the shows we put out. Crime and Sports, you're stupid. opinion small town murder all add free with your patron and add free oh wait there's more there's

more jimmy what's that oh on top of that you get a shout out at the end of the show where jimmy'll try his hardest to pronounce your name correctly and if it's malachi he'll get it right as we found out from from your stupid opinions whereas i will call you malachi so there you go that said disclaimer time this is a comedy show sure is we're comedians yeah people are going to die because the show's called small town murder and we're going to make jokes and we can well how do those things go together real easily real easily here's how we do it we don't make fun of the victims or the victim's families why because we're assholes but we're not scumbags see how that works it's real simple like that there's plenty to make fun of a bumbling police force that lets a murderer go free making

fun of a murderer that's fun maybe some small town festival we'll pick on or something that's where the comedy lies it's all good so do that keep coming back But here's the deal. If you think true crime and comedy should never go together, maybe we're not for you, but probably we are, I think. You should check it out. Either way, no complaint and later. And that said, I think it's time to sit back, everybody.

Clear the lungs here. And let's all shout. Shut up and give me murder. Let's go on a trip. Let's do this. We've got to, yeah. We have to. We're going to Colorado, which we're never mad at going.

God, it's amazing. We like it. Loved our Denver show there. Man, that was a great night. Just terrific. This is Whitewater, Colorado, which seems like, you know, just a... On the river? A term for rafting here, but it's Whitewater, Colorado, North Central Colorado it is.

It's about four hours to Denver, so it's not close. Oh, my fuck. It's almost Wyoming. Yeah, because it's kind of northwest a little bit, but central. Oh, west. And then, I don't know if it's west. And then it's another four and a half hours to Salt Lake City, if you want to go to other direction. So it's nowhere near anything, essentially.

What's the fuck? Five hours to Greeley, Colorado, our last Colorado episode, episode 6663. Sorry, I saw the title and laugh. The panty sniffing wife killer. See why it made me laugh. Very greely. Very greely. That's what a lot of people said when that came out, too.

It's such a gross place. Such a gruelly type of crime. This is in Mesa County, up in the high ground there. And this is like, you know, 4,800. feet elevation up in this area. Okay. Pretty big, pretty high. Area code 970.

Now, for history, I'm going to do some urban legends or some rural legends that are nearby here as we'll get to the history. Yeah, Irvin. My ass. Yeah, not a lot of urban anything around here. Yeah. One is the Ute curse or the Grand Valley curse, they call it. It's the most famous local legend.

I guess when the Ute people were forcibly removed from the Grand Valley in 1881 and moved into reservations. See, there'd be history mixed in with these. They supposedly placed a curse on the land and the settlers there. The curse dooms anyone who lives in the valley, especially natives, apparently. If you go there, then you're a sellout. So no matter how far they go or how successful they become elsewhere, if you go there, that's what you do. So you're cursed. You're cursed.

I don't know what that entails, but you're. Like, do you spit your guts out or do you just lose everything? Your dick doesn't get as hard as you really want it to. Maybe it's just small annoyances. That'd be the best curse to put on someone, by the way. Never mind anything big. They're kids dying. Small annoyances.

You always get booked in a hotel room far from the desk. And every time you get there, your card key doesn't work. It doesn't work. And you have to go all the way down, 14 floors. You have to do all of that. Yeah, little shit like that, I feel like it would be the most annoying to hear. human beings. The guy in front of you, every time the light turns green, he waits eight seconds to go.

Every time, no matter where you are. Like, that's a curse to me. Yeah. It's way worse than anything else. Horrible. Gwock is never free. Never, always. Always two bucks, too.

Not even 75 cents. Two bucks. They never make a mistake and you get something free. They always charge you double for something. Always. I only got two drinks. I only got one drink. Oh, and I didn't even order this kind.

Perfect. and I got charged twice for. That's a curse. That's what I mean, minor annoyances. That'll drive somebody crazy. They'll lose their fucking mug. Every time you go for a soda, it's always orange garage. Always.

I don't want that. I mean, sometimes, once in a while, but not every day. Not every day. Yeah. So there's another one, the Grand Mesa Thunderbirds. Ute legend holds it that giant thunderbirds, massive eagle-like birds, once lived atop Grand Mesa. and these powerful creatures ruled the skies

and the thunderbirds attacked a Ute village and carried off children, which they'd have to be some pretty big birds to carry off a child. A thunderbird never existed, right? No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think it's legend.

An eagle can't carry off a Pomeranian, so it has to be something here. It's a big, big ass eagle. Very big. In one of these legends, a warrior disguised himself as a tree. I don't know how you do that. Okay.

climbed, climbed to the nest and avenged the village by throwing the thunderbird eggs off the cliff. Oh. And in revenge or for battle, the birds tore apart a giant serpent. Pieces falling created the many lakes of the Grand Mesa. This is a legend that goes on here. People would believe anything. Yeah. Anything.

And there's also a lot of ghosts, the horse beef canyon lady. A woman in a long white dress appears after dark. downtown Grand Junction has a bunch of buildings that report ghosts and things like that. So they're kind of getting off on this a little bit. Like in Widows Bay, which you finally watch, thank you when they're saying, you know, you want to be Salem. You want to be in Antucket. I get it. Like you need to draw people with some weird shit because there's not really enough to draw them in otherwise.

Reviews of this town, not a lot of them to find. There is not a lot of people here. Here is four stars. And it says, it's peaceful. It's a great place to live if you want a couple of acres of elbow room. If you want to walk four hours from any city. This is everything is super rural too. Like all the houses are just, there's nothing around them at all.

Like it's just this flat ground. It's just. Oh, it's flat too. There's a lot of flat. And there's like, you know, mountains in the distance and shit. But it's here, it doesn't look too great. That's the area of Colorado that's booming right now because there's all the mountains are taken. And so people are going east, but they're finding east that's fucking, it's so flat.

Yeah, there's nothing here. It's where everybody with money's going, though, like Parker and shit, and it's flat bullshit and yellow. Yeah, that's everything here. Everything's dead. All dead grass. Looks like Arizona. It says if you want to walk across the street to buy a soda, look elsewhere. The nearest gas station or grocery store is six miles away from this house.

It's a long walk. That's a long walk. And then finally, this one star, education, question mark, question mark. There are zero schools in this area. The nearest school is 10 plus miles away. That's a grade school. The nearest middle school is over 15 miles away. And the nearest high school is over 30 miles away.

And it's about an hour bus ride for the kids every day. Wow. Jesus Christ. Even in the old west, they'd stick a schoolhouse up once in a while when there would be a town. I mean, put some shit up. You got to be up at 4 in the morning to go to school. That's great. Now, here's the people stats.

This is for, there's no stats for like the town. This is for the zip code of 81527. So that encompasses the town and a bunch of nothing around it, basically. The population in this area is 1975. It's more like 500 in whitewater kind of proper there. It is more men than women. I assume there's like outdoor jobs and shit going on. 53.1% men, which is way out of whack.

We never see that unless it's like a logging town or something. And median age here older, too, 51.3, much older than the national average. So that's pretty old. It is 71.6% married, which I don't know if the courthouse is just too far away to go file paperwork, maybe. I'm not sure. It's got to be closer than a half hour away. Well, I'd like to divorce you, but that's about an hour and a half ride to that courthouse. And I don't think so.

I don't hate you that much. Is this even on the river? To climate whitewater. I don't think it's like on the river, on the river. Because even in like the things to do, I don't see a lot of rafting. No? As things to do, no, as we'll get to that here too. Now, it has the lowest single with children rate I've ever seen.

2.6%. Wow. They think a lot of the people are staying together. Oh, yeah. And race in this town, 93.2% white, 0.1% black. Yeah. Point one. That's a guy, right?

That's a one dude. Yeah. Hi. Hi, I'm Jeff. Yeah. I'm the black population here. 0.0% Native American. I guess they did get the Uts out of there.

Holy shit. No shit. 6.6% Hispanic. So religion is. This motherfuckerfucker's cursed. I'm not coming around here. Yeah, it's cursed. They weren't supposed to go back.

The curse is extra for him. 35.7% of the people here are religious, and it is a real mixed bag of everything. I think the highest is LDS at 7.2%. So it's just a few people here and there. Unemployment, a little bit high, a little bit over the national average. There's nowhere to go. Yeah, it's like seven and a half percent. Median household income here, regular rest of the country, $69,000.

Here, it's $77,000 a year. So they're making money. What are they doing? A lot of this shit is like, there's like some farms up here, ranches, things like that. The cost of living, 100 is average. Here it is 99. So just about average. Housing is not average.

That's high. It's expensive. to live up here. Really? I mean, they got a fixed Colorado. It's outrageous. Most of the properties have a shitload of land with them or at least 15, 20 acres, something like that. So that helps. Median home price here, 454,100 bucks, which is...

It's pretty high, but you've got 10 acres. That's not so bad. Yeah, but for the middle of nowhere, yeah. And feel like it should be cheaper, but I don't know, then you said Colorado's filling up. There you go. So if we've convinced you, damn it, But maybe you don't care if the high school's 30 miles away and you don't need a gas station anywhere near you. Calas hand. That's it. Ranch hand.

Well, get after it. If that's you, everybody. We have for you the Whitewater Colorado Real Estate Report. The average two-bedroom rental here goes for $1,070, which is actually below the national average by a good amount there. House number one. And the way they show it, it's like this flat land with this giant. rock mountain behind it, which is... That's awesome.

Pretty cool looking. Yeah, it's pretty cool looking. There's houses behind you, too, but that's also there. This is a three-bedroom, two-bath, 1,528 square feet. It looks like it could use some updating, maybe, some shit like that. You know, not perfect, but nice. It's on a 0.2-acre lot. That's as small lot as you're going to find in this place.

This is $325,000 for this. And it just had a price cut of 20 grand. Okay. They say this home has been a high-performing Airbnb, and the seller is willing to share business financials with qualified buyers. So you're buying an Airbnb. I don't know. I'm not sure who's coming here to stay in an Airbnb. I've never even heard of this shit.

And you know Colorado pretty well. Here's a three-bedroom two-bath. Oh, my God. The 2,036 square feet. The house looks like a manufactured house with a metal roof, and it's got one of those, those corrugated steel barns that's like a you know what I mean? One of those

It looks like a greenhouse but made of steel It's tin Tin whatever the hell it is And it is just a flat Brown mess Piece of shit It's expansive I mean the view is like wild

Going down this But it's not worth it On 40 acres mind you By the way 500,000 bucks That's a deal If you saw this though You go well

You got to build a house It costs you another million dollars to set this up half decent. 40 acres for half a million dollars is a pretty decent deal. It's 40 acres. There isn't even a fucking tree here, though. Nothing. It's 40 acres of nothing. Flat.

Of ground, dead grass. That's all you're getting. Yellow, man. And so much dirt. If the wind kicks up, it is a dust storm. It's not good. And then finally. Yeah, exactly.

In your teeth. Five bedroom, five bath, tea bowl for each and every beehole, 4,301 square feet. Holy. Also on 40-acre lots, and we'll tell from this story, 40-acre lots are very common here for some reason. They broke it up in the 40s because in our murder story, the lot is 40 acres, too, that they live on. There's got to be something in history that 40 acres is the right number because it's... Enough for a farm.

It's in the... It's so common. So, yeah, this is... Back 40, whatever? Yeah, this is a big giant house. It's nice. It's got all sorts of rock stuff. It's weird-looking, but it's not bad.

on 40 acres, $1,750,000 for that. Wow. Which seems like about what you're going to pay for that and all that land and stuff. They have a tree even, this one, so that's nice. Hey. Look at that. A million dollar tree. We got a tree for a million dollars.

For half a million you get no tree. Right. We have an extra half million. It gets a nicer house and a tree. That's how it works. Things to do here. This is the Palisade Bluegrass and Roots Festival, 2026. It'll take place.

actually, it's taking place right now as we're speaking, I think. In Palisade, Colorado, which is the next town over, I think, here. And their lineup here, this is for, on a just a boom-in-friday, we have the Stillhouse String Band, the Slocan-Ramblers, S-L-O-K-A-N, or C-A-N. I guess that's probably somebody's name. Probably. Or a place, I'm not sure. 5-30, Magoo.

Yeah. Not Mr. Not. And Timberland's not with him. Just Magoo. That's it. This is crazy. At 745, Daniel Donato's Cosmic Country.

Fuck. What is this Guinea doing in fucking Colorado doing cosmic country? Yeah. Open it. Just say New York style pizza. They'll look at you and they'll believe it. Don't worry about it. Denver needs you, my friend.

Yeah. Go there. And then at five and seven. PM, so playing kind of before and after, is the Queen Bees Band. Oh, boy. I don't know what that is, but they seem like they're kind of like the roaming house band of the day. They're on the back porch stage. Yeah.

They're out back on the porch. All righty. The Bees stage. Where's that? Walk out the back door. You know the back door? Careful you'll hit them. Yeah.

That screen door swings wide. It swings. Just let them know you're there so the stand-up bass player can move aside for you. You're going to whack one of the bees in the knee. It's exactly what's going to happen. That is fucking wild. I guess they have other shit there. It's Friday through Sunday, so they must have other shit going on.

All weekend, huh? All weekend. They have performances on two stages, the regular stage and the back porch stage. So it's all happening. Now, crime rate here, what we're interested in, property crime is about 20% below the national average. So I can't imagine it even be that high. There's nothing.

I can't believe there's any crime at all. This is so. Yes. So far. Well, if you have the gumption to drive miles to someone's house to rob them, you can just get a job. You know what I mean? You have the same.

You can get up and go. You have something in you. Two hours into that ride to be like, we got to do this again. Should we just put an application in somewhere in the way? This is crazy. If we make a U-turn, we can get back to Denver. Yeah. same amount of time.

No, shit. Yeah. And then violent crime, murder rape robbery, and of course assault. The Mount Rushmore of crime is about 25% below the national average. Okay. Again, and I feel like being kicked by a mule would be the most violent crime that happens here. Still seems outrageous. Seems like a lot.

So let's find out. That said, let's talk about some murder. What do you say? Here we go. Let's do this. Okay. Now, we're going to go back not too far. Not too far.

Things are pretty much the same in terms of how your life is. not like the 60s or something. June 10th, 2008. Yeah, so bad. Not bad. This is at noon on June 10th, 2008. 9-1-1 call comes in. And it's from a woman hysterically crying on the phone.

She can't even, like, get out her address. It's, she's, yeah. That seems to be, like, fucking 70% of 911 calls. You know what? Don't call 911 unless you're hysterically crying. You're wasting our tax dollars at that point. You're wasting our money. If you've got it together, you don't need us.

If you can calmly pick up 911 and go, okay, here's the deal. You can call the regular number. This is for emergencies. I want people going, I'm on fire. I'm literally on fucking fire. Oh, my God, it hurts. That's 911. Yeah.

If you can compose sentences, it's not bad enough for us. The first sentence should be, I can't stop the bleeding. That should be the first sentence of every 911 call or else I'm not interested. Yeah. Where's your emergency? Let me tell you about it first because it's fucking crazy. Because it's crap. That's every call.

So anyway, police received this call and it's from hysterical woman saying that someone apparently has broken into her house. She said, it comes out. She's saying, I just got home. Someone broke into my house and my husband's dead. He's dead. Oh. Dead. Dead on the floor.

She said, I found him. He's in a pool of blood. And as we'll find out, also a 25 caliber bullet hole in the bed. of his head as well. Yeah. So not great. Now, the deputies and paramedics reach the scene, and it's a remote property.

It's out there. It's on 40 acres at the end of a, like a dead end in the middle of fucking nowhere. And that's how this is. They come into the house and they find a woman named Miriam, as we'll find out who she is, Miriam. And she is the hurt or dead man's wife, however you want to look at it at this point. And they find her kneeling over this man's body, crying hysterically.

Sobbing and crying and oh, God. Now, the dead man, and they don't know he's dead because they haven't even got to try to check for vitals or, you know, perform CPR or anything. But this man is Alan Helmick, H-E-L-M-I-C-K. And if you go looking that up, you're going to put Hemlick every single time. And then you're going to go, God damn it. Because I did that 30 times while I was doing research. And my phone would correct that to Heimlich and teach me the maneuver. It's all messed up.

He's a 64-year-old man at this point. He's found lying on his back in a pool of blood near the kitchen. Now, I'm sorry, near in the living room area. Now, several drawers in his desk are opened, but there's not, the contents of the drawers are still, it's not even like rifled through. It's open, but everything's still there. Everything, but they're all opened. They're all right there.

Now, Alan is lying inches away or lying on the ground and inches away from him is his wallet sitting there. Just on the floor. So we have open drawers, nothing taken, and his wallet sitting there. There's a china cabinet in the living room that nobody touches at all. It's undisturbed. There's a jewelry box on a master bedroom dresser that appears open and it looks like maybe some contents are missing. It looks like it's been shuffled here. Been rifled through.

Nearby in the master bathroom, jewelry sits in plain view in an open and undisturbed jewelry box. Yeah. So if this is a robbery, it's a terrible robbery. They were looking for something specific, and this ain't it. Yeah, this is crazy. Also, there are six firearms in the house. Oh? Now, many of them are rifles.

They're found in several locations in the home. Three of the rifles were in plain view on a downstairs bed. So anybody... Not touched. Anybody looking in rooms for shit that's easily sellable, there they are. They said that they said that there weren't sure. In the end, though, they didn't know. They couldn't ever figure out if those guns from that room were on the bed to begin with

or if law enforcement found them and laid them on the bed, like somebody going through the house laid them out like that. So they're not sure. But either way, they were there. Then there was like six guns in the house. So immediately, not immediately, but within a little while, there's a photographer there, like a press photographer. shows up.

Because this is, from what it looks like, very rural, middle of nowhere area where a deadly home invasion has happened. Yeah, some in cold blood shit. This is not normal out there, too. So, like, the media in this area, they're like, holy shit, they freak out and they want to tell if this is some salacious shit that people are going to want to hear about. It's just wild that, like, even in cold blood, they got, like, $27 or some shit like that. It was like a, it was a very, but this is like, you could have had a much bigger score. Yeah. For the price you've paid.

Not only that. He's like, he's a businessman. He lives in a very nice house, as we'll talk about, and 40 acres and clearly has a few bucks. And you went for like the, this short shit score like this. It's kind of crack-hedy, you know what I mean? And killed a person. And, yeah, killed this guy. So that's the, so that the media goes and runs with it immediately, that this, you know,

rural area and nobody's safe and lock your doors get your rifles ready now the to the cops though the scene doesn't look right no just doesn't look yeah yeah for a burglary they're all those parts already yeah they don't see it yeah it looks more like they said it looks like somebody like if you if you were filming a like an independent film and you told your set designer make it look like a robbery but they've never seen a robbery before so they're like I mean, there's drawers open. You know, I guess that's what people would do. Like, that's what it looks like.

And then you stand back and go, yeah, that's right. Everything's open. Everything's open, which, you know, just in a long shot and a frame, looks like a robbery. Dead guy, things, you know, rifled. But in reality, when you really look into it, you're like, there's nothing taken. This is a shit robbery. Hey, everybody, just going to take a quick break from the show to tell you how to get the best, the best meets, the best everything delivered right to your door with good chop. Goodchop.com.

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Now back to the show. So let's find out who these people are and what's going on here and possibly who killed this man. This is Alan Clark Hemlick is his name. He's born August 27, 1945. And he is... Helmick, you mean? Helmick. Did I say Hemlick again?

The amount of times I looked it up like that and it's like, no! I had to go back and change it. It makes more sense. It sounds more like a last name. Helmick doesn't sound like a last name. No, hemlock sounds like a last name for some reason. Like hemlock. I don't know.

Some has a word that... Helmick sounds like you misspelled helmet, man. Yeah. Yeah. Or something you'd call an Irish guy that you're not happy with. Something. Mick. He's a bad. He's a hellnick boy. So he's born in Delta, Colorado, which is on the Western slope here. This isn't ski lodges or any of that shit. This is... Oh, this is bad area.

This is desert and farms. People live there. It's just... It's not pretty. Let's be realistic. They're out of their fucking minds. Something's wrong on that side of the mouth. Nuts over there. Too much sun over there or something. I don't know. Yeah, it's not natural. Oh, the sun's beats on that western slope. And imagine being there knowing just over this hill, it's so much nicer, but you can't go there. It's amazing over there. It's beautiful. And we're here?

It makes no sense. We don't even have to get to the whole other side. There's several towns in between that are incredible. That are much better. At least in Arizona, when you're in Phoenix, you go, well, far as the eye can see, it's shit. That's it. There's nothing. There's no, I mean, you have to drive hours.

and hours to the ocean to get it somewhere that's apt-eastern. Otherwise, east you could drive for 24 fucking hours, and it's ugly. It looks like that forever until you hit Louisiana. It's literally two hours through those mountains, and you're like, this, what? Why did we stop over there? Who was the lazy fuck that stopped there and didn't go to the better part? All the horses died or something. Oh, yeah, maybe.

It's so hot over here. That's what happened. So, Alan's born in this area, Delta, Colorado. It seems like he has a brother and three sisters from what I can make out. Now, he's a pitcher for Delta High when he's a kid. Oh. And the varsity team. Yeah, baseball guy.

He's in the class of 63. Good Lord. Wow. That is so back there. That's when he graduated. People are still doing that today, though. There's a shitload of those small towns where graduating class of seven. It's fucking crazy.

Yeah. Well, no, this is, in 1963, he graduates. So it was a long time ago. Physics degree he ends up getting from Adams State College. Physics. Wow. That's complicated shit. Then in 1967, after he graduates from Adams, he marries his high school sweetheart,

who he has been with since they were 14. Okay. Wow. Talk about like old time, small-timey shit. Yeah. You meet a girl when you're a freshman and you stay with her. And then you go, well, after I graduate and consider, you know. could make a way for us, then we'll get married.

Like, it's very old school here. They'll end up having four children together. Yeah. Same, and it's kind of his deal, too. He's got, because he had a brother and three sisters. He has a son and three daughters. How about that? So they have Allen Jr., which, despite our crime and sports apprehension for any juniors,

you know, Alan seems like he's nice enough to name his kid Jr. He's got three daughters, Porsche, not like the car, like. Dorsey. S-H, huh? O-T-I-A. T-I-A. P-O-R-T-I-A, Portia, Portia, Portia-R-T-I-A, which Portia-D-R-Rossi is Australian, so I get that. These people are from Colorado.

I don't know. I don't know where you even found that name. No. And then, especially in the 1970, who knows. Wendy and Christy, which are very American names. Yeah. Now, Alan's career here, he works his way up. Alan, back then it's possible to work your way up.

You can get a ground level job somewhere and make your way up in the company. You can be goddamn vice president in 20 years. You know what I mean? So did you do something with physics? No, he was a bank manager, which is the opposite of physics. The complete opposite of physics. He, I guess he likes definite things. He can tell you the fucking, the gravitational pole of something, but he's going to count out 20s?

Jesus. Well, think about the, like, laws of physics are, they are what they are. and numbers in a bank are what they are. So maybe that he likes definite things. Yeah. I think he's real, what, left brain? Is that the one that would make you do that? Whichever one that's into math and shit, he's into that.

Yeah, he's into that part. Whatever part that we don't use, me and you, that we use the other side of the brain. What's the one that can help you keep a conversation going? That one. You got that. But I guarantee you, Alan's not funny. That's a fact. I guarantee you he's not.

He can't be. But he becomes a land developer after this. I don't know how you become a land developer. That seems like something you need money to start out with. Yeah, there's capital. Or you take a loan. That's true. You got to believe in the land and you got to know what it's worth.

I feel like back then, again, easier to start anything back. And land development probably back then was much easier too because you weren't handcuffed by preservation society and all that shit. Back then you could just fucking plant houses on shit and sell it. And there's a lot of also westward migration at this point, too. So the timing is right here. Because I remember the late 60s is when Hunter Thompson was complaining about the real estate going crazy in Aspen and ruining everything, basically. All the mountains over there just fucking expanded like mad. So he founded a company too, Helmick, Helmick mortgage as well.

So he's a land developer with a mortgage company. So I got the land to sell you and I'll lend you the fucking money, which is where the money's at, by the way. He's the bank. Yeah, that's why there's loan sharks because you keep paying the fucking Vig. If you can sign normal people up to pay Vig for 30 years and it's legal, holy shit. Like, you're a gangster at that point. Do the math when you buy a house and see what you really pay for that thing. You're paying three times with a cost.

You're going to shit your pants. Yeah, you're going to pay twice to three times what your house costs. It's usually three times. That's insanity. You buy a $300,000 house. You're paying a million dollars for that thing. Yep, eventually paying that. So he has several businesses, including partial ownership in a title company.

He also, his company was involved in building a Mesa County subdivision called Krista Lee, which is one of his daughter's name is Christy. So he owns the mortgage company and caters to new homes and business owners. He's making money on every part of the transaction. Smart, smart guy. Yeah. Not using physics at all, but smart guy. None. None. He was just interested in it, I guess. Everybody says, and this is a quote that everybody says about him, he's a genuinely good man.

That's nice. Very kind guy. And people say not, you know, he's a businessman, but he doesn't shit on people. That's not even that. They go, no, he's a good man, which is hard for good people to make money, but he's doing it. So he's, his father, or his son, Alan said, my father was probably one of the best people I've ever met in my life. And I don't just say that because I'm his son. That's good. They said he's very kind. He's very generous.

So he builds a life. He and Sharon, Sharon Helmick, they build a life together for, shit, they've known each other since 1959. And we're going to. years, yeah. We're going to catch up in 2003. So they have built a life. They've had everything going for them. You know, they have a nice house.

They have four kids, you know, and they're grown by now. And they've, you know, they're enjoying the fruits of their labor here and everything like that. And then on New Year's Eve of 2003, Sharon has a massive heart attack and dies. Like that just drops dead. unexpected, completely out of the blue, wasn't sick. What a nightmare. Has a heart attack and die. So Alan is obviously crushed.

Yeah, yesterday he had a wife. He had a wife. Well, he's the one he's been with since he was 14. He's been with her for 50 years almost. And they're. 10 minutes ago. Well, also, you plan shit. You're like, okay, we're going to get this done.

And then we have this one. We're going to buy that for later. And then once the kids are out, and then you have this plan of how now it's my time. we're going to live our life. And now your wife's dead. And now you're alone. Erased the whole plan.

Yeah. It's a total about Schmidt is excited what it is. Remember about Schmidt? Did you see that with Jack Nicholson? Great fucking movie. He comes home. He went out to get a medium blizzard from Dairy Queen, a medium Oreo blizzard, he says. And when he comes home, his wife's dead on the floor.

He's just like, and they're like these plain Midwestern people and his wife's dead on the floor. So he buys like an RV and goes and drives across the country and has all sorts of weird adventures. It's fucking hilarious. Jack Nicholson doing it. It's so fucking funny. It's from like 2002-ish, 2003. So anyway, she's dead. And this is horrible.

And everybody said it absolutely destroyed Alan. He was not okay with this. Yeah. His son Alan Jr. said, I think that he died that day, a big part of him. You know, he lost my mother who he'd been with since he was 14. His love, his life. I'm sure that everything he thought that was real was ripped out from under him.

Now you're lonely, too. And he's lonely now. He lives in a rural house and he's lonely and, you know, this sucks. There's no shame in any of that. It's all just part of life. No, it just sucks. You feel like the whole rug has just been ripped out from under you because it's everything you know. And then what am I going to go get to know somebody else?

And we don't expect, and this is the other thing, too, we don't expect women to drop dead. No. We expect women, they get sick and then they eventually die. Men drop dead. Massive stroke. Massive heart attack. Fucking drop. That's, I know women do too, but.

In our brains, it's more common for men to have massive heart attacks and die. It's what they call it a widow maker. You know what I mean? And it's a widowed maker. It's more common, too, that the man is super fucked up about it for like 20 years. And then the woman just like going starts having bunches with like a white wine. Oh, they've been waiting for you to die for decades. That's why.

They've been annoyed with you for decades. She's having a white wine salmon salad at 11. Yeah, with their girlfriends. Yeah, who also have dead husbands. and everybody's fine in clinking glasses. Whereas the guy will be about Schmidt. He'll be Jack Nicholson and he'll lose his mind. Limp dick for the rest of his life,

no interest in sex or emotional connection. Yeah, just, yeah, you long let the testosterone die out of your system, basically. And you're like, well, I don't need that anymore. We're just hanging out. And now you're like, fuck, now what do I do? Yeah. Yeah, now you're going to go ask somebody, what's your mom's name?

Fuck that life. Well, luckily at this age, My mom's name is You can go read it on a headstone. I'll show you her headstone over there. Sounded out. It's right there. Yeah.

Mother-in-laws aren't really a concern at this stage in your life and when you're in your 60s, which is helpful. You'd ask somebody, what's your favorite color? You know what I mean? Yeah. It seems it's just small talk at fucking 65. Fuck that. In 65 it should just be, where, how do you want to die? In what way are you looking to die?

Like, yeah, like, are you looking to die like on a hillside or by the ocean? Like, how are you looking to die? Where are you looking to die? How are you looking to spend your last days? Yeah, what if you get a terminal illness? Should we murder suicide? Is that what we're doing? Is that what we're doing?

I think that's something you have to figure out at some point. So he's 60, he's single for the first time since he was in eighth grade. Oh, geez. He has no idea how to date or. No. He's never dated? No. What's he going to say?

You want to go to the drive-in movie with me this weekend? I want to go to the sock hop? Like, that's the last time he asked a girl out. It was there. I just typed malt shop into. I can't find a one. They don't exist. Can't find a one right now.

It's crazy. So, uh, yeah. I don't know. I'll try sock hops. Fuck it. Maybe they got, yeah, nothing there either. So he didn't know what to do. So at one point, he decided, I'll go on a cruise.

Yeah. And a ton of these old guys do this. Yeah. They love it. Because you can meet people on a cruise. Yeah. Everybody's had a few drinks in them. Yeah.

You're on a boat so you can meet somebody over a few days and talk to them, and everybody's kind of lubricated and comfortable and, you know. I mean, verbally and socially, yeah. Yeah. Not particularly. Sort of. Yeah. So he wants to meet some people, get back out there and just do this.

Now, he thought about it, and he goes, okay, I want to go on this cruise. Well, what am I going to do? Just sit there like an old lump. Right. He said, no, I got to be able to. get out there, he goes, maybe I can dance. He goes, maybe I'll try to dance. He goes, if I go on the ship

and dance, then I'll meet people. Was he going to go front a stare? Well, he wants to, he wants to, like, maybe if I, but he says, I don't know, I don't remember how to dance, because I haven't danced since the 60s. He's going to get less. Because no married man will dance. Don't trust a

married man that's still dancing. He's up to something. I'll tell you that right now. That dance at your wedding should be your last dance, if You're a man. Until your next wedding. Until your next wedding. Or until your daughter gets married or some shit.

One of the two. Or your divorce. Or your divorce. And then that's just a, that's just a jig, though. That's just the twist. Yeah, that's just one of these. A real dork might get the sprinkler involved in it. You never know.

But that's, so he doesn't know what to do. So he says, if I go on this. ship and I haven't danced in fucking 50 years essentially, 40 years. I'm going to embarrass myself and these ladies are going to be like, look at this old dork. I don't think it's adorable, but yeah, I see what he's doing. He wants to be confident. So he signs up for ballroom dancing lessons.

Nice move. He's really got a high idea of what this ship's going to have for him here. I've been getting those in my email lately. Really? Yeah. I think it's just you hit 45. I think so. I think that AARP is linked with the Fred Astaire studio.

He might have a dead wife. We don't know. Send him these. He's going to need him. So early 2005, so this is, you know, he waits a year and change. Yeah. Gives her a year, which I think he grieves for a year. And then he says, okay, I'm going to do this.

So he takes a dance lesson, ballroom dancing. And he likes his teacher. So he doesn't even get to the point of using this to find a woman. He just likes the woman who showed him it. You'll do. You'll do. Yeah. He didn't get to.

I'll dance with a few people. I'll go on the boat. He's like, perfect. You move well. You do. Now, this is Miriam Francis Morgan is what she's born. At this point, she's Miriam Giles, G-I-L-E-S. So she's born January 26, 1957, so about 12 years younger than him.

Okay. So she's 48 at this point and, you know, looks good. and he's like, hmm, I like her. Yeah. You know, this is nice, and he's an older guy, and he's got some money, and he's a sweetheart and a charming guy. So he goes, maybe I got a shot here. What the hell? So she's a ballroom dance instructor.

And everybody that describes her, describes her as a ball of fire. That's how they describe her. Yeah. Lots of energy. Bright, warm, fun, and, you know, just, and at the same time, they get talking. They start dancing. Yeah. And he says, well, lost my wife and I want to go on a cruise.

I want to learn how to dance. And she goes, that's crazy. My husband's dead too. I'm a widow also. Oh. So they have this shared grief of having a dead spouse. And that really gets them to talk in. That can certainly do it.

Oh, yeah. Trauma bonds you. To a certain extent. You know what I mean? You don't get you in the front door. Yeah. Yeah. You know, then you have to have shit in common.

But if you keep saying, well, my, my husband, fucking eight years into this. Okay, look, that's me now. Now we're just a relationship because both of us have the same, you know, strife. That's all it is. That's not really a great relationship at that point. But now they get past that and they start talking.

Now, her dead husband is Jack Giles, which sounds like a cool guy. Jack Giles. Sure, and the fuck. Doesn't it sound cool? So now she's also had even more tragedy, as we'll find out. Her daughter, Amy, who was 21 at the time,

died in 2000 as well. Oh, no. From an accidental overdose. Fuck. And now everyone in the family insisted she never used drugs, but she died of an overdose, which she was a real kind of go-getter and a real spark plug and things like that. So those people sometimes do drugs and don't tell you about it. Yeah, they use it as a tool, not necessarily as a crutch.

Your aunt not knowing you did drugs doesn't mean anything. You know, they don't know what the hell's going on. So, but now, Miriam had gotten life insurance payout for her daughter's death as well of $100,000. It kind of helped her have some cushion here. Now, her life, basically, in 1976 is when she met Jack Giles, Jack Callaway Giles. He was working at a grocery store and was going to school at the time. And they got married about a year later and they settled in Jacksonville, Florida. And Jack became a chemical engineer.

Wow. So he made good money, smart, consistent. In Jacksonville, chemical engineer is just a meth cooker. Yeah. That means they ride around on their bike at two in the morning with a backpack on and a jar cooking up. So his brother described them thusly, quote, they weren't rich but pretty well off. Nice house with a boat, a couple of cars. That's all you need.

What else do you need? Sounds rich to me. Sounds great to me, yeah. Tim Giles, that's his brother who said that. So, and they have a daughter named Amy and they have a son as well. They live in a nice cushy home in Florida and go out on the boat and seem to have a great life. Nice. Now, Amy was 23.

I apologize when she died, the daughter. And the official cause of death is an accidental drug overdose. And with the people who knew Amy said she didn't use drugs, like I said. But her uncle called her a beauty queen and a workaholic. Yeah. Orchaholics sometimes use drugs, so you never know. He said flatly, she never took drugs, ever. And that's what Wendy later on, who is Allen's daughter, talked about kind of stuff like that as well.

They say that she's not sure because Miriam told her several different ways that her daughter died. Amy. So she said to this day, I still don't know what she died from. Amy was Jack's Angel, the beauty queen, the workaholic, she never took drugs. That's what her uncle Tim said. Neither did I am. Exactly. That's what I mean.

You don't know what people are doing ever. But Miriam had an insurance policy on her as well, which is odd for $100,000. When it pays out, Miriam basically blows the money. Oh. She bought a car. She bought clothes. She bought shit like that with it. Oh, which, yeah, I don't know what you're supposed to.

to do with it. Yeah. Sometimes you buy things to replace the person, too. So then you look at that car and you think about your daughter. I was thinking, too, would it be a thing that you'd want to get rid of that money, basically, because... Yeah. Just sitting in your account means she's just still there.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. There's probably a lot of psychological that goes with that. Yeah, there's a lot. I've never gotten a dime insurance for anything, so I don't know. I've never got a $2,800 motorcycle. that you gave him. You bought that.

You didn't get that. You bought it. You just got it back. Oh, I was like, you just loaned it to him essentially until he died. Then it's how it works. I bought him a little bike load.

I bought him a trite because he couldn't get his leg over the other one. I was like, sell the other one and just have this bike now. And then he never sold it. Then he died. And now I've got this fucking piece of shit sitting in my garage.

And I'll never touch. I'm going to have it forever because it was his. It's the only, the only fucking thing this man saw through to the end because he didn't raise kids, that's for sure. Bought a motorcycle paid it off and hung

onto it for 25 years. And now it's... Now I've got it. Great. And that's... My fucking garage for the dead battery. You traded it for the... Yeah, for the trike, basically. Oh, man. So, Amy's debt, though,

ruled an accident and accidental overdose and that happens. Now, April 15th, 2002, a little over a year later. Yeah. In Jacksonville, Jack dies as well. Fuck. This is a suicide, though. Oh.

Oh. And if your daughter's dead. Yeah. Yeah. She was his angel. That could be everybody said. She was, his everything. Gunshot to the head while in bed beside his wife.

Stop it. Which is a crazy thing to do. Oh. If you're going to shoot yourself, you're going to go out. Go away, man. Sit under a tree or some shit, right? Go to a cheap motel. Yeah.

Yeah, while in bed, meaning she woke up to that. Yes, she woke up to that. Luckily for her, he had apparently put a pillow as a barrier in between them, so she didn't get brain on her. That's nice of them. Those are generally bulletproof, too. Well, yeah, those, you know, they'll go right through. It'll go through your head, but the down really stuffs it up, the feathers.

It's a tough one. That would be a horrible way to wake up, the noise and then the splash. And, like, now I'm wet, too. What the fuck? Apparently she wasn't really. Okay. The responding officer and the officer in charge of this case is a man named J.P. Morgan, I shit you not. Nice.

Who is Miriam's brother. Half brother, but brother. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's still blood. And he's the guy ruling on this whole thing. Now, that's pretty interesting.

The problem is, I guess, Jack is left-handed. The wound, though, is on the right side of his head. Yeah, you can't do that. It's interesting. But it's still open and shut, no foul play. But there's still problems. Left-handed. And people said very left-handed.

Like, didn't do shit with his right hand. But the gun was... Sometimes you throw baseball with the right. Sometimes you're doing something. But they said the gun was found on his chest in his right hand with his thumb on the trigger. So that's how it worked. And there's the pillow as a barrier to protect Miriam from spatter as well. And also there's another $100,000 policy on him that Miriam collects as well.

And everybody said she blew by that real fast, that 100, too. She's not good with money, Miriam. Yeah. Which a lot of people aren't. At least insurance money. She is terrible. No. Yeah.

Remember Tim, Jack's brother, the uncle of Amy who kept saying she didn't do drugs? Yeah. He never believed it was a suicide. Really? Never. That guy doesn't believe shit. No. Not a goddamn thing.

He said that he never. for one second believe his brother killed himself. And his reasoning was that Jack of all people knows exactly what a suicide does to a family because Amy died. Now, this is the same guy who says that Amy didn't accidentally overdose, but now when it's convenient. He's very Jacksonville. Yes, exactly. So Tim was not interviewed, by the way, by Jacksonville authorities in the wake of the death,

which is weird. You'd think they'd interview everybody. Hey, has your brother been sad? And this Tim, I mean, honestly, we're making jokes, but I feel bad for the guy because he's just lost his brother and his niece and he feels fucking terrible. He's grief-stricken. And of course, he doesn't want to believe that they have caused their own deaths. And I mean, nobody wants to believe that. Yeah, and sometimes, suicide oftentimes, too.

You don't fucking just outwardly project what's going on because you don't want to worry anybody. So sometimes the last day of your life, you smile your fucking balls off. especially a guy from that generation. Yeah, yeah. They don't, you know, they don't think they're, they're not real, let me tell you about my feelings type of shit. You know what I mean? That's just not how they are. They're more like, well, that's enough of that.

Going to blow my brains out now in the garage. It's an incredibly powerful commercial for mental health in England that it shows two guys at a soccer game. There's this dude that's just moping his fucking ass off all the goddamn time. And this guy's like cheering constantly. And then, uh, someone's like, you're pissy, isn't it? And he's like, have another, have another point, you pussy. Have another point. Or whatever.

But then the last scene is like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the boppie fucker is draping his, his, his little, uh, footy, uh, scarf of his buddy over the chair next to him. Oh, boy. And he, and he, and now he's extra sad because his happy friend took his own life. That, that's, that's what it is sometimes. Like, the happiest motherfucker, you don't know. He's not doing great in turn. No.

Because, what Tim is feeling is. Normal. Logically, losing somebody that is so important to you and when you don't see them being that sad all the time, because we boil depression down to sad because that's, I mean, it's an emotion that's. Yeah. But seeing somebody that's so important to you as somebody that's so down to kill themselves, sometimes that's just so outer bounds. You just can't gather that. Your brain can't process it. Yeah.

And by the way, too, I've heard somebody said from a few weeks ago that I don't know anything about grief because I said that someone needs to move on with their life and it's like, fuck you. Look, man. Tell me that. Tell me about grief, motherfucker. I don't care. You're griefless piece of shit. Yeah. What are you talking about?

I lost like my two best friends who were young within a year and a half of each other in tragic ways. Like, I've seen plenty. Fuck you. Sometimes tragic shit like that and hardens your heart to the world and you don't. I don't want to, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just got to go, well, what am I going to fucking sit here and not pay my bills? Thank you. It's shit to do.

I got shit. Exactly, because it's enough already. And that's what it is. If you gain enough grief, it's not a shock to you anymore. And you get, you react to it differently. And that's, I'm not saying that's good or bad. I'm just saying, you know, don't judge my grief. It's just what it is.

I judge how I fucking, yeah. Everybody grieves different, too. That's like that's a common thing that people say. But it's true that, look, man. my advice to you when you're grieving is going to be calm the fuck down tomorrow's another day too you know you gotta get through it you got to get through this are you gonna fucking melt into a ball in the corner what's wrong with you no but I did weird shit in that during that period I was I had a fucking career like I made movies I had a thing I won festivals I had like actually like some

heat of a thing and I directed and I just I shut it all I didn't do anything I said I'm not doing this anymore basically and I went and started serving fucking papers Yeah. I did that for like three years. And then I said to like 2012, I was like, what am I doing? This is a miserable fucking life. And I'm making myself miserable because I was miserable because those people were involved in the things I was doing with me. And then I was like, I got to go do comedy again.

I have to do it. So then I went to comedy and then I met you. And then here we are. Life just happens. That's how it happened. I wouldn't be here if those things didn't happen. I really wouldn't. Yeah.

Because I would have been making films and not doing comedy and it would have been a totally different path. and, you know, just different. And the way we react to things sometimes creates one door closes and other opens. That's it. These old cliches, they sometimes fucking right on the nose, God damn it. Don't worry. When God makes your knee hurt, he kicks you in the ass. You know that old thing.

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subscription. Now back to the show. So, anyway, Tim, the brother, said that Jack couldn't tie his shoes with his right hand, which no one can tie their shoes with one hand. That's the right. Everybody requires two hands to tie shoes is the thing, which is a very strange. Very right-handed, James. If I tried to tie a shoe with that hand? Just that hand. I'm walking around with untied shoes. Yeah.

No, shit, a lot. Now, Jack and Miriam's son, who was home the night this happened, has a different thing. He believes that his dad did shoot himself and did shoot himself with his right hand as well. He said that Jack had broken a few years ago, he said Jack might have been very left-handed before, but Jack broke his left-handed before, but Jack broke his left-hand. arm a few years ago. Oh. And had to wear a cast for a long time and could do nothing with his left hand. So he learned to do everything with his right hand.

He goes, he was very ambidextrous by the end of it. Amazing. He would write with his right hand sometimes just because it was convenient. He said the right-handed suicide definitely not impossible. And the son said he heard the shot and he heard his mother come running out of the house screaming and said that's how it happened. Like, what are we talking about? So 2004, Miriam persists.

She's having problems. Now she's single and she's not doing well financially. She gets busted in Florida for a counterfeit check cashing scheme that she's doing, which is not great, obviously. She had an AKA even. Her alias was Francesca, Francesa Giles. Francesa. Francesa. She's like, I'll be Italian now.

Why not? So she was found not guilty of two counts of embezzlement and one count of larceny in Florida in 2004. But she was arrested at various points for basically forging checks, other people's checks, stealing checks. There was also allegations of theft from two of her employers and her own father. So she's not writing bad checks. She's writing good checks signing somebody else's name and then writing it to her That's pretty much it. She moved in with her elderly dad after Jack died and her stepmother, and they were in poor health, apparently.

And while she's under their roof, she stole more than $80,000 from them. Wow. So she would intercept the mail. Every day when the mail would come, she's the most spry of the group, so she'd rush outside and grab it before her father could see it. And any time there was a bank statement, she'd pocket it and he never saw the bank statement, so he would never see his money dropping. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, because a elderly guy in 2005 isn't doing online banking. You know what I mean?

No, you're going to trust your daughter. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's why she's there. Take care of you to help. You're not in good health. The day she packed up and left her father's house, someone set a fire on the back porch of their house. Oh, no.

The day she left. The porch backs up against her father and stepmother's bedroom. They got out. They were asleep when it started, but they got out, and the house didn't burn completely down or anything like that. and Miriam's father contacted police and said, my daughter tried to burn my fucking house down when she left. She's stolen from me, blah, blah, blah.

But the state's attorney dropped the charges because they told him basically that prosecuting a case of a daughter and her father, it's never, it's difficult. And I don't want to get into it. Basically what he's saying is you're going to fucking soften up halfway through this and say, I'm not going to testify against my daughter. I don't want my daughter going to jail, and then where are we now? So I'm not wasting the time, essentially. So that was that.

After that, Miriam ended up in Gulfport, Mississippi. Yikes. Yeah, it sounds hot and sticky. It's gross. Yeah, it sounds like it. So somewhere in here, this is when she started saying she was a dancer and became a dance instructor. Oh. I don't know where she learned how to dance.

I'm not sure how that happened. A girl from Jacksonville went to the Gulf Shores. and then became a ballroom dancer. A ballroom. Not, if you told me a girl from, wrong dancer. Wrong dancer, yeah. She went to Gulfport. Yeah.

She was dancing. That sounds right. Yeah. So, yeah, she turns up in Gulfport and the owner of a studio called Amor Danzar named Barb Watts. Hey, Barb. It's Barb. Barb said, I thought she was dynamite. She was the greatest thing that ever came by.

we put her right to work. She can shake that ass. Shake that ass, Miriam. And then a girl from Jacksonvilleville and went through the Gold Shores and the manager of the dance club said, we put it right to work. We put her right to work.

We didn't even make her audition. I looked at her cans. I said, you're going on stage, sweetheart. You were born for this. Let's go. Through her tassels and off to work, she went. And she said, what should my stage name be? And they're like, no, no, Miriam.

Make it sound like somebody's great. grandma, you know. Miriam is a very old lady name. Miriam's like, you have to be over 80 to be named Miriam, I feel like. I had two of them in my fucking high school. Miriam? Yeah. Wow.

Spanish schools. I had a lot of Francescas, but not a lot of Miriams. Not really? No, no, Miriams, but tons of Francescas. You went, wow, I've never met a Francesca. Well, did you, was your school's 65% Italian? Probably not. 65% Mexican.

Exactly. A little different. You're not going to get the Francescas. I know like 46 people named Vinny, some of which I'm not even related to. It's amazing. I think all my mirroring friends had dogs named Vinny. Nobody.

Probably. I never met a Vinny or a Vincent. Never. Weird. Wow, that's crazy. I, fuck. I have like seven uncles named Finney. Never mind who I knew around here.

So basically, they came to suspect her of stealing money from everywhere, basically and from this business even. Barb started thinking she's skimming from the dance studio. Okay. So apparently a checkbook went missing and a check got written that didn't make any sense and the owner figured it could have only been Miriam essentially. So rather than fire her, this is crazy. They couldn't have really thought it was her that much because they send her out to Colorado where they're opening another studio in Grand Junction.

they send her there to train the staff. So you've got to trust someone pretty well to send them 2,000 miles away to open a business for you that you've put up the money for. Yeah, be in charge of all my money there. That's what I mean. That's crazy. And Miriam requested it because I guess she heard they were open and she said, I'd love to get out of here,

send me to Colorado. They said, well, you're the perfect person. Why not? So she ends up in early 2005 as a dance teacher in Colorado in a newly set up shop meeting a guy named Alan Helmick. How about this?

Hanging out. Yeah. So everybody said on the floor, she is a badass dancer. Yeah. Knows what she's doing. And they said that they got along right away, Miriam and Allen. They lost a spouse together. They liked to dance.

They understood everything. And, you know, that's how it is. A psychologist later will say he was obviously desperate to be happy again, desperate to have a wife, desperate to be in love, and was willing to do anything to make her happy. Yeah. Yeah, you want to, after a while, you go, okay, I need to have someone else sitting in that other chair with me because this is boring. That heartbreak feeling is fucking miserable, especially if there's like, sometimes there's an option to rekindle it and then they've got like this hope.

But there's none here. No, no, this is, I mean, this is tragedy. It's over. It's over. I mean, you can't get more over than a heart attack. That's a hard, yeah. Hard ball right there. Done.

Not fixed in this one. No. Barb Watts, the owner, said, quote, she was after a hot sugar daddy. She wanted someone to take care of her. Oh, boy. Wow. Barb said that she was basically didn't trust Miriam

to the point where she faxed information about her issues with Miriam to Alan and advised him to stay away from her. Like, you shouldn't trust her. She said, I asked him to watch his bank account. I told him to be careful, but he was so much in love. Oh, my. I mean, that's crazy.

A boss? Send him a fax. A fax. Like, listen, she dances like a fucking angel, but she will rob you blind. Let me tell you, son. Salsa, sure. Jeterbug or whatever they call that. All that shit.

I don't know what they're doing. Tangoing all over the place. Keep your wallet in your pants, sir. Keep your wallet in your front pocket, as Rayquan would say. So now, he's getting his groove back, like Stella, basically here. This is how fucking, how my man, how Alan got his. groove back here. So Penny Lyons, who's a fellow dance student and one of Miriam's close friends in Colorado,

said that Alan was like a knight in shining armor. And for her, someone to help her and take care of her. And Miriam gave him the spark back. He didn't look depressed anymore. He looked like he had a reason to get up in the morning. Yeah, 12 years younger with a fucking pert ass. A dance instructor? You know, she's in good shape?

Totally. So they start dating, which, by the way, they were not. supposed to do, which is hilarious. You can't do that. Well, it's not a school for cry. It's not a real school. But ethically, it's weird. If it was a guy, I feel like it.

If it's a woman named some nice guy she meant, I don't feel like that. Business ethically, who gives a fuck, they're people and they're adults, so who cares? But business ethically, Barb's pissed about this because if they break up, he doesn't want to come back around anymore. That's $30 a month, you asshole. Yeah, I know, that's true. That's true. But you're not going to stop people from fucking if they've been dancing.

It's just... Yeah. It is fucking hot. It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. It's not hot at all. I mean, like, what people... If you're interested in it

and you're grinding on somebody, it's fucking hot. Well, if you're grinding on them, that's a different... I mean, any dance is grinding. Yeah, that's a whole other thing. It's like, well, what are we even doing? Why aren't we just fucking?

Yeah. Why are we doing this weird ritual? That's what it feels like some animalistic ritual. Like the peacock puts its feathers out and walks around. I'm not doing that. I'm not participating in your stupid fucking ritual. Fuck you. I'm not a fucking animal.

We're smarter than the animals, God damn it. Yeah, waltz and rub your pussy on my thigh. That's better. So anyway, they start dating. There was a clause in Miriam's contract. And also because Alan, the sign up contract even says that you won't try to fuck the instructors. So that seems like what it should be in the contract. Because you got to assume there's at least,

there's got to be at least 20% of the people that get involved in this think that there's sex happening. Yeah. Or at least an opportunity, you know what I mean? Well, I assume you, I guess it's there for you to meet the other people in the class, not the instructor. Like, that would make sense. But the instructor's the fucking hottest one here. That's the one that does this shit all the time. She knows how to do it.

So that's why she has to sign a contract, I guess. Yeah. She won't do this. Don't fuck these people. So June of 2006, they get married. Oh, boy. There's more money in marrying a guy with, you know, money in businesses and houses than working as a dance instructor for this broad. So after the wedding, they move into a huge secluded home, which we'll talk about.

That's the home that he was found dead in in the countryside and whitewater. 40 acres, panoramic views of the mountains off the front porch. You're 40 acres, so there's no neighbors anywhere near you. they built a small horse operation on the land because Miriam loved horses and she wanted to give riding lessons. Why does she know how to do everything? I don't know how she just had to dance and ride horses.

Not just know. She can teach it. She needs to instruct others, which is weird. What fuck is that? Imagine like anything you know how to do, sort of. You need to instruct others now. I want to show everybody how to do.

I barely know how to do fucking anything. No. So Alan Bankrolls this business for her and another business. This is the horse breeding and lessons operation, Creek Ranch Sport Horses, LLC. Okay. And the other one is a ballroom dance studio

called Dance Junction LLC. She's doing both. So, yeah, he's going to bankroll these. Now, his accountant, like, his hair burst into flames. It was like, why are you opening? What else do you can open a sports bar? Like any other money pits?

You start two businesses? Yeah. No, no, no, but not two businesses. if you open two businesses that can make money, it's one thing. You might as well just set your money on fire. A ballroom dance studio and a horse operation. No one's making money off of that.

You're just not. Yeah, the overhead already is crazy. It's insane. And that's what they said. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? And there's already another ballroom dance company there. So the company she worked for. With another ballroom?

In a small area. In fucking Grand Junction or whatever. That's so small. Yeah, how many ballroom dance students you think you can procure from this small area? Probably not enough to keep two businesses going and then this horse thing. Basically, these are the two dumbest business moves you could make, other than a sports bar with your name on it or something. That would be even dumb.

The horse thing can be a thing, but all those people up there probably have their own fucking horse. It's not enough to, how much are horse lessons? Yeah. You would have to be doing 24 hours a day with 30 kids in there to make the money. you know how much it is to just house horses? Well, you gotta have, it's insanely expensive. That's the part. The boarding, the purchasing of a horse,

caring for a horse. The food, the trainer, which is another fucking she has to have a trainer for the horse. So this is, you're not making that in some kids' lessons unless you charge $180 a lesson, which would be primitive. 10, 15 horses that are all rideable

because there's so many horses that you can own. You put your ass on that fucking thing. It's going to put your ass on the fucking ground. So they're basically now on paper though Alan owns 95% of the businesses. Okay.

So it doesn't just give them to her. Miriam owns 5% in each business. Okay. Just so she's there on paper. So he essentially basically owns anything and if Alan ever divorces her or died and left it to the kids basically Miriam walks away with her 5%

operation, 5% of two companies that don't make money. They make nothing. Yeah. This is just, he's placating her and wanting her to be happy, so he's doing these businesses for her. But I'm sure in his mind, if he goes, man, if we break even, I'm going to be thrilled. Yeah. And that fax resonated because he's safeguarding himself. Yeah. Well, I think, too, he's just, he's a smart guy in his 60s who's made some money and he knows to, you know, try to watch out.

They also have a pre-up. Oh. Now, this says in the event of Alan's death, Miriam gets nothing that Alan owned before the marriage. So nothing. Absolutely nothing. And he'd only been married to her for two years. So basically everything he had came from before the marriage. His mortgage company, his investments, real estate.

He's got a few million bucks in assets. And she can get none of it, basically. So the major policies were structured so that the payout would go to his business partners to buy out his share of the businesses, not for Miriam. Okay. Not to Miriam. Now, 2007 into 2008. Alan's kids and family start to notice that he's kind of disappearing.

Not really participating. Can't get him on the phone. They don't see him very often. They would call the house and Miriam would say that dad isn't feeling well and he'll call you back and then he would never call you back. So they were like, that's weird. Then they'd call his cell phone and Miriam would answer that too and say he's not feeling well. No. So they were like, this is really weird here.

his one daughter said that they saw him less and rarely without Miriam. She said that she repeatedly called her father's cell phone. Most of it, most of the calls went straight to voicemail. And she regularly would have to call Miriam to get messages to her father, basically. Now, while the family's trying to get a hold of him, the bank is also trying to get a hold of him. Oh. They need to talk to him about a pretty urgent matter but can't get him on the phone. They kept getting his voicemail.

They called his daughter and said, can you get a hold of him? If the bank's calling people you know going, hey, you know where this guy's at? Yeah. If the bank's calling my son, we got a problem. A gangster loan shark,

you are really missing. So they said, we called and got the voicemail. We can't do anything. So eventually the bank gave up on phoning him and just started sending letters of what they wanted. Miriam would keep Alan's cell phone in her purse.

So she'd have both their phones. one of the daughters said she never really developed a close relationship with Miriam and she said that necessarily wasn't Miriam's fault though. They asked her

was it hard to accept Miriam into your dad's life and she said it would have been hard to accept anybody. Yeah. You know, my mom was gone and now I don't care about this new fucking lady

coming in here. Who cares about her? No way I see it. Any woman that comes in after my mom's dead is going to be temporary. There's no way this is lasting. Exactly.

And I think that's how you would feel too. And also, he's pretty sick, too, that he doesn't really let on, but Alan's got some health problems. He's got some heart issues that haven't really been addressed, and he's got some problems, as we'll talk about, health-wise. But he's still up and around, but she says that he doesn't feel good and all that kind of thing, which he still does everything that he needs to do. Early 2008. Okay, this is interesting here. Miriam calls a life insurance agent and asks about taking out a policy on Allen's life. How big we talking?

Well, she asked, can I get $2 million? Dang. That's a pretty healthy life. That's big. The agent said the most I can give you is $250,000. How's that? He's in the 60s. We expect him to crope pretty soon here at some point.

15% of that. How's that sound? How's that sound? But then she said, well, that's fine, but can I set it up without him knowing about it? Wow. And he said, no, absolutely not. You can't. You can't take out a life insurance policy on an adult without that adult's consent.

You have to demonstrate an insurable interest, and the agent said no, and the policy never happened. Okay. Is that law still? That should be a law. Yeah, I don't think you can just take out an insurance policy on an adult. I think somebody did that with like homeless people and then I think that's an old story that somebody did that and then killed them all and then got in trouble. Geraldine Parrish in Baltimore, if you look that up. It was in the homicide book.

I've talked about it. She had did it for dozens and dozens of this. I don't know how many people this woman killed. Dozens. I mean like six husbands. She buried in her backyard? Babies. No.

No. It's good. Dude, it's insane. It's fucking crazy. So anyway, yeah. If you look that up, we'll do it. I want to do a bonus episode on that because that is wild. We'll do that.

So late April 2008, the Helmix rent a movie via the dish network there. So they got a satellite dish, as you would need out in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, remember when you had to do that. Yeah. So they rent no country for old men. I've heard that's good. Which, yeah, and it just had, the Oscars were just the month before and it won a shitload Oscars and all that. Now, there's a scene in that movie, by the way.

Oh. where one of the characters stuffs a thing into a gas tank and lights it and then walks away while the car explodes. That's a thing. Okay? Keep that in mind.

April 30th, 2008. So this is about a week later. Maybe not even a week. They're in Delta, Colorado, where Alan is born and raised there. Now, Alan and Miriam drove to Delta on business. Alan was selling off a portion of his title company and at the meeting was handed a check.

for $100,000, which is his share of the sale. So he's got that. He gets into his 1994 Buick Roadmaster. Fuck, yeah. With a $100,000 check in his pocket. See, that's, I mean, he's a very practical man. He has a lot of money, but he drives a 14-year-old car. Right.

Because that's fine for him. 14-year-old Buick. Yeah, he doesn't need anything. Yeah. He's not trying to show he's fancy. He's just, no. He's very steady. Very wealthy man would be in a Cadillac or,

or a... That's the way... Mercedes or some shit. Yeah, but he's just said a Buick and I bought it 14 years ago. It's still running. So why get rid of it? So Miriam that day

keeps having the recurring stomach problems. Just shitting like crazy. Liquid shits like you wouldn't believe. Farting up the Roadmaster. Which is absolutely terrible. Yeah, you don't want to fart up the Roadmaster. Just stinking up the roadmast. Shitting up the Valor seats there.

You don't want that. Yeah. When you fart into that Valor, I don't stick for a week. Every time someone else sits in it, it just releases it. Every bump going down the road, does you do it again? No, it's just coming out of the seat. You should have went with the leather interior, you cheap, fuck.

That's all I'm trying to tell you. You get the valour. You had to get the valour. Nice. So she's got problems. She has to use the bathroom. She uses the bathroom. Then a little while later, she has to go again.

Yeah. Now, at some point here, from the parking lot. They came out. He's got the check and they're going to gleeve, but she goes to the trunk of the car. She says to change her shoes

before she goes to shit again, apparently. Okay. Now, Alan sitting in the car, glances in the rearview mirror and sees smoke coming up and sees that his car is on fire. The back of his car is on fire. So he gets out fast and yells at Miriam

to grab a water or a fire extinguisher or whatever they have, and they put the fire out. It's not that bad. It's the trunk area is a little bubbly, like the cheese of a good pizza. And the rear tail lights kind of fucked up, I guess, melted a bit.

But the car's not destroyed. The roadmaster will live to see another day. It's a tough car. Yeah. They also find a wooden wick, basically, jammed into the gas tank of the car. Oh, God. That's what was on fire.

Okay? So they call the police when they see this isn't an accident. Someone tried to set our gas tank on fire. This is a problem. So the Delta police sergeant who comes, we'll hear from him all through this story. Sean Wells here thought that Miriam's behavior was super strange, real evasive and all sorts of shit, right? She didn't want to talk to him. And when he started really asking her specific questions, she said, I need to use the bathroom and just walked away.

And the parking lot. Now, there's a restroom right there. Instead, she walks across four lanes of traffic to use a bathroom across the street. I'm going over there. I already fucked this bathroom up. I mean, I leveled that shit unless there's been a cleaner in there. I want passing traffic to muffle these sounds. Yeah, I'm going to be farting all the way across fucking Main Street over here.

So she did this, and she wouldn't come back until after the officer had left. Okay. Now, the investigators later went into the first bathroom she went in that she shit up to begin with. And they found it to be reeking of lighter fluid. Oh. Yes. I don't know what she ate. But wow.

Sheesh. Wow. Talk about light a match. I smell burned rubber in there a few times, but not lighter fluid. Not lighter fluid. That's something. So the detective said, instead of going back to that restroom, I found it very interesting that Miriam decided to walk across four lanes of traffic to go to the restroom across the street. at a convenience store.

So they said, someone tried to light the goddamn gas tank on fire. Yeah. And the other thing is, why didn't it blow up? Yeah. Reason is, Alan just filled the tank.

Yeah, it's fumes, not gas. Yeah. If you have a thing of gas, it's not that, you know, you can throw a match in it, it'll go out.

You know what I mean? It'll go, and it's just liquid. If it's full, that's not, it's when it's half a tank or lower, yeah. Top chamber is all fumes.

The vapor is the part that's going to light on top of the shit, not the liquid. I mean, liquid lights too, but it's the vapor coming off of it that's on fire, I believe. When your engine spritz gas in there, it's not the gas that's flammable. It's when it compresses and turns into gas. That's into gas, not gasoline. No, gas. So they said a full tank has very little airspace, so there's very little vapor, and that's what explodes, not the liquid. So Alan was lucky.

He wasn't lazy and said, I'll get gas later. Nice. Then he would have exploded. Or somebody's stupid and thought, oh, now it's full. Now it'll really go. That's what most people would think. If you're an idiot, you would just think the more gas, the bigger the explosion.

This is what you need. So they said that basically the Delta investigation said it was a clumsy arson attempt and the fuel level saved his life. Nice. But her explanation, because they talked to her about smelling lighter fluid in the bathroom that she was in, She told them that she took the wick into the bathroom at her husband's behest to prevent an explosion. So that's why it smelled in there. Oh, she pulled the wick out, huh? And he said, take that in the bathroom.

So it won't blow up near the thing. That's what she said. However, Alan said, I don't remember that at all. I don't remember telling her to take it in the bathroom. I wouldn't say take it to the bathroom. No, so who could have done this? Yeah, what the fuck? And they say, Alan, who the fuck is mad at you?

Who'd want to hurt you? And he said, well, a lot, actually. He said, there's two people that have had a problem with me. One was at the state bank, the president, the vice president. They were trying to accuse me of an illegal loan, which I didn't make. So that's one. But I don't know why the people who are trying to, at the state bank that are trying to charge him with something, would try to blow him up.

That doesn't make a lot of sense. Another's a failed business partner. He said, there's a business that failed and that guy was pissed off at. me also a friend who I testified against as well. He said also, it might have been some kids. I saw some kids riding around on bikes. Maybe they thought it'd be funny to

murder a man and blow him up in a car. It's not really a teenage prank. I just saw a casino. It looked crazy. Yeah, it looked insane. So, Alan ran down a list. I mean, he gave him like a dozen people who could probably might, might could be pissed

at him enough to kill him. He's in real business. But the Police said, we're looking at Miriam. Oh? And he was like, what? So, yeah, this Detective Wells called Sean afterward to tell him, we're focusing on Miriam. We think she did it. And honestly, we think you might be in danger.

And he said, what are you a fucking asshole? My wife didn't try to fucking kill me stupid. What are you lazy? You don't want to do your fucking job? That's what he was saying, basically. Get to work. Get to work. The detective said, Alan was not happy with me when I called him to let him know that

I was focusing on Miriam, and I felt that he might be in danger. He was upset with me. He told me Miriam would never hurt him. He said he got super pissed, and he said, Alan said, quote, oh, God, no, I don't think that. Why would she do that? That's a direct quote. He said he would be shocked if she tried to do something like that. He said, quote, I can't imagine her being malicious.

What I could imagine her is being very sick, but I don't think she's sick. So that'd be the only way she would do that if she was a real sick fucking lady. He said, number one, we have a prenuptial agreement. So if she blows me up, really doesn't do her. She gets nothing. She gets nothing. And he even said, this is the detective, said, quote, he told me that Miriam would never hurt him. Alan said there's no way it could have been Miriam.

She has no reason to kill me. I'm worth way more to her alive than dead, which is true. That's a way to do it. Yeah. He's like, I don't understand. Why would she kill me if the gravy train ends the day I die? That doesn't make sense. So basically, he would put a dead end on anything they said.

He's like, it ain't my fucking wife. If that's where you're going to be in this investigation, I'm not even going to fucking talk to you, people. And without the victim's cooperation and anything else, basically, it's a cold dead end and the case is closed. That's it. We don't know what happened. Could have been anybody, I guess. So that's April 30th, 2008. June 10, 2008.

This is, what, a month and 10 days later? Yeah. They have a plan. Alan and Miriam are supposed to be running separate errands and then meeting up for lunch at a Chinese restaurant. Okay. That sounds like a good day. Miriam's going shopping.

She stops at the pharmacy to pick up Alan's prescription and learns that he never even dropped it off. So she can't get it. Lunchtime comes and she says she shows up at the Chinese restaurant and he's not there. No, Alan. So she starts calling and leaving voicemails. one is, hey, honey, I'm here at the restaurant and you're not what's going on.

And then another says, hey, Alan, this isn't funny anymore. I've been sitting here in front of the Chinese place for 15 minutes and you're never late. So these are the voicemail she leaves. She also said that one of Alan's daughters called Miriam at 928 a.m. asking to speak to her father. And she said that Miriam said that she was running errands at the local Walmart Super Center. and then her father went to pick up a family vehicle that had been serviced. Now, Miriam, told other people, she left her home around 8.15 a.m. and that Alan was showering, but never mentioned anything about him having to pick up a car that morning.

Which, who knows? That's, you know, let me tell you every errand we have to run. You might have just left shit out. Who cares? It is fun that we get text, we get message, we get voicemails when we're 15 minutes late about how this isn't funny anymore. Yeah. let a woman be 15 minutes late and leave her that voice This isn't funny anymore.

Yeah, you're going to get yelled at it for that. You better shut the fuck up about what's not funny. Yeah. I had shit to do. So she walked into the house. That's great. She walked into the house, called for Alan about noon. He doesn't answer, move through the rooms into the kitchen,

and finds Alan on the floor, face down, single gunshot wound to the back of the head like we talk about. Does he? Does he ransacked? Dore's had been pulled out. chairs have been knocked over. A trash can is tipped on its side. This is the day that they were supposed to go to lunch. This is the day they were supposed to go to lunch,

the day we started with where Alan's dead on the floor. By the way, what burglar is going to knock over, let's knock over that trash can because people keep their valuables in the garbage usually. That's where they keep them. So not their jizz rag or some shit. They're going to keep that in there. So 911 call. She calls 911 and says,

They broke into my house. It's on Simono Road. He was crying so hard. She couldn't give the address. She had to spell out the name of the street. And she said, someone broke in. And she said, quote, this is from the recording. It looks like somebody came in and robbed him.

Which if you walked in and just saw a bunch of shit knocked over, you'd think, yeah, it looks like someone robbed him. So the cop who responded here said that Mesa dispatch received a call for Miriam that she'd come home for being downtown after Allen. failed to meet up with her, and she found her husband Alan dead in a pool of blood on the floor. So they come in, like we said, she's crying hysterically. The jewelry is in these places, six firearms throughout the house, media photographer outside, all sorts of, you know, headlines of holy shit, run for the hills, lock your doors, hide your children. There's murderers on the news. So, but they look and they say it doesn't look right. like I said, it looks like it's set up by someone who never burglarized a thing.

Number one, they said where the house is is 40 acres at the end of a remote road. Yeah. The locals all say, unless you live there, nobody goes down there. It's no reason to. It's such a long drive to hit at that end and not have anything to do. The other thing is the ransacking. They tore up the kitchen, but not the rest of the house. Oh.

And basically, the cop said, who the fuck keeps their value? in the kitchen. Right. It's not where anybody's valuables are. Those tax clas are very valuable. Yeah, you know what? You ever have one of those lay crusade fucking let crusette fucking thing? They're like 500 bucks for a fucking frying pan.

You know what? Yeah. If anyone has like a real expensive cooking set, that's worth killing them for at this point. Those are really expensive. I got a couple of pans in there that I'm like, I'd rather somebody take my guns. Yeah. I'd rather someone take one of my cars. These are expensive.

I have a kitchen aid mixer, man. You know what that shit, that's expensive. I got a couple of the steel, those old cast irons. Oh, yeah, yeah. Very well seasoned. You steal that? Forget about it. So, you know how long it took to get those right?

Yeah. How many steaks I had to cook on that fucking thing? So that's an odd thing. The drawers that have been pulled open were all pulled to roughly the same distance. Yeah. which is interesting. And the trash can tipped over is like, for what? That's what they said to it unless he tripped over it.

And nothing is gone, basically. So they're like, this doesn't make sense. His wallet is right there by the body with cash and credit cards still in. Oh, cash in it. Cash. Actual cash. His cell phone was right there. Jewelry, guns, electronics,

shit that you robbers take is all there still. So they said that, yeah, finding the, the credit cards and the cash in his wallet, they were like, what the fuck? This is staged. Now, during the autopsy, they find a gunshot wound to the back of the head as the cause of death.

They also find advanced heart disease. Alan was not in good shape. He wasn't doing well at all. Not doing well at all. So, I mean, wasn't going to live another 20 years. Yeah. Put it that way, unless he got something seriously

taken care of with his heart. What did he and his ex-wife eat their whole lives that did that? Shit. I mean, think about it. They came up in the 50s and 60s. Western slope. Jesus. Christ Almighty. Who knows? And people ate. Think about the breakfast people used to eat every day. That's insane. All those people died of heart attacks when they were 62. That's the problem. It really is amazing. The amount of slow the blood down that they would start at 6 a.m.

That's crazy, man. I never understood that. Let's put some serp in there. I never got that heavy things and pork and fucking. Carb fucking cakes, man. Yeah, that was never, I never really had breakfast like that. No? No, growing up, I wasn't into that. No, I mean, my mom didn't cook shit.

It was, there's cereal in the climate. Yeah. My grandmother was always fruit and, like, maybe English muffins. That's breakfast. Like, Italians don't eat big breakfast. They eat huge dinners. They don't eat big breakfast. And thankfully, my mom never gave me that, like, shitty maltamil, the bag cereal.

Oh, I got some of that. She always gave me good cereal. You got the bag cereal? No. That's why why do you think I love, I'm a freak for cereal now. Rainbow O's, you ate that? You ate that? I fucking wanted.

Fucking cocoa, cocoa lumps and fucking fruit hoops. I had it all, Jimmy. I'm not eating lumps for breakfast. I tried to make it as unattractive as possible. But I ate fruit hoops and all that kind of shit. Yeah, I ate them. Honey cracks. Why are the names so fucking funny?

Unlucky charms. I had them all, Jimmy. Cookie crunch. A little different than cookie crisp. You get tricks. You got jokes. Yeah, I got jokes. God damn, man.

That's horrible. Oh, man. It was. Cocoa loves this the funny. Cocoa lumps. Want some? Want some? Want some cocoa lumps? My mom brought that bag in the house. I swear to God, but I'll die by morning. I'm not eating that. That's crazy. It's so bad, man. I'm not eating any tracks. I'm not having them.

Trax. Traged tracks. I don't want them. That's so funny. She always gave us the name brand cereals. I was very nice of her. Oh, that is great. No, that's great, man. It's awesome. It was whatever one was on sale.

It was never like, I want honeycomb. She'd never bring those home. It would be whatever the fuck was cheap. Four for 10, two for five, two for four even. That's where it was at. It took me, like until four years ago, I had never bought cereal that wasn't on sale. I've never bought retail price cereal until like four years ago. The kale cereal is crazy.

When I'm, you know, doing okay. And I was looking and I was like, ah, I want that. But it's not on sale. I'm going to spend an extra $2 so I can get the thing I want. You know what? Fuck it. It was the first time of my life I've done that. Cocoa Pebbles is $4.39.

I'm paying it. Fuck it. I don't care. I'm not waiting until it's two for five. And then I can just a match with the fruities. I'm not doing it. It's also six or seven meals in that box, too. You know what I mean?

It's not like. It's fucking worth it. It's not like you're paying fucking $4 for any. bowl of cereal. No, that would be insane, obviously. That's ridiculous. I'm on a big tricks kick right now, by the way. I loved when they had the tricks that were the shapes of the fruit.

That's what they do now. That's what they have. They go back and forth between the shapes and the balls. They're back to shapes. I love the shapes. Get in there, yeah. Unless you want the tropical one, which has like Moana on it, that's like balls of weird looking shit. Yeah, but you should get the regular one.

The shapes was, I was like, this is crazy. I have bananas in my bowl. I have great bunches. Where does it end? Look at these. This is crazy. That's fucking great. The name, the non-name brand one was just vague shapes.

It wasn't really, like, what is that? It's purple. I guess that's grapes. I don't really see any. That's a cucumber. That's not even a lime. Whatever. All right.

So the other thing, the time of death. Yeah. His time of death was estimated to the morning when Miriam was out shopping. and in that window, but there's a, not an exact time of death. It's a big window. And the earliest part of the window is three in the morning. Okay. So it's basically between like three in the morning and ten in the morning.

Seven hour window that he's been robbed and plugged in the head. Okay. Which is a big window. He could have been killed hours before sunrise. He could have done anything. So the first rule they say, and this is an investigator, said when investigators see a murderer, occur. The first thing we always say is check the spouse. Obviously, they're the closest one. So please talk to Miriam. She's taken through the station and asked to walk through her day. And not only does she

walk through her day, she gets from her own pocket a bunch of receipts of every single store she was at that morning. Oh, she's so like, you can see timestamps while I was here and then I was here and then I was here. So you know exactly where she was. All verified. Her cell phone, they found to have pinged off the towers consistent with where she said she was, as well as having the receipts. Store surveillance cameras caught her at the store she named at the time she said she was there. The voicemails were her voice. Looks pretty good. The only thing is they're saying she could have killed him before she went out and did all that. That's the problem. So she could have done it from three in the morning on.

So she could have shot him, took a shower, got all the blood and gunshot residue off of her and all that kind of shit. Got dressed nice, went out, went shopping, and then said, look at me. Stone Coal alibi. Sat in a parking lot screaming, this isn't funny anymore. This isn't funny anymore. That's what they're saying. I mean, she'd have to be obviously diabolical to do that. That's, poof.

Yeah. This is the sergeant who worked their firebombing case there said, in my experience, as an investment, as an investigator, most people in that situation would not be frazzled enough to, I'm sorry, would be frazzled enough to not be prepared to present those things at that time. But not Miriam. She was ready to go and ready to prove that timeline right away, which seems odd. Now, they, she voluntarily submits to GSR test, gunshot residue tests, hands, arms, and face, comes back negative. Okay.

Okay. Her clothing shows no significant blood. transfer either other than when she was leaning with things consistent with her being like that no like high velocity spatter or anything like that um the other thing is they said it's just weird the one one investigator said a person that does enough research knows that if they go shower changes their clothes you're not going to find gunshot residue on them yeah especially from a small caliber pistol like a 25 yeah so at 357 it'll leave enough on you where it might stick around but a 25 It's short, too.

Yeah, they said it's just as very little GSR to begin with. It just does. They said a 25. So the time gap, if you shower, if you did other shit, not exactly, you know, it makes sense that it wouldn't be there. So June, this is about two weeks goes by a little bit here. Oh, my God. They have nothing. It's just they have a robbery, basically, that they don't think is a robbery.

But they have no proof that she did anything or they have no proof of anything. But we've got a dead guy and we've got a bury him. This sucks. We sure got a dead guy, yeah. June 22nd, 2008, Miriam says that strange things have been happening at the house. Cabinets opening on their own. A door she knew that she'd locked would be unlocked now. Oh. So, yeah, they're like, are you saying she's got like, are you like a haunting?

You got ghosted this? Then she said also, maybe not. It might be people because she said a suspicious white. truck kept cruising past the house. She asked neighbors if they'd seen anyone lurking around her house and they all said, no, not at all. You're in the middle of nowhere. Right. Then one day, now this is, she's got her friend Penny with her.

Remember Penny, the dancer that said that, you know, Alan got a spark back? She step onto the porch and she spots a white envelope poking out from under the door mat. Yeah. Written across it, it says, to the grieving widow. That's her. Okay. that's her. Inside is a card, a greeting card,

Hallmark card. On the cover is the fake line that Einstein never said, which is insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Who said that? Someone made it up and said,

if we say it's Einstein, everyone will think it's true. It's not Einstein. So that's on the front of the greeting card. And then when you open it up, it's blank inside, but no like printed ship,

but there's handwritten shit in there. Okay. Inside, it says, uh, quote, Alan was first, your next, run, run, run. That's a crazy thing to, yeah. Yeah, and Alan is spelled with two L's instead of one,

which is how you spell his name. And the your is Y-O-U-R, not Y-O-U-R-E, which is you are next. Okay. So Miriam finds it, She collapses to the ground. Her friend has to help her. She calls her lawyer, who then turns it over to police.

Why would you call your lawyer first? When you call you the police first for that? Who can I still about this? Yeah. Now, the envelope has no postage. It was hand delivered out at a remote property. Yeah. The barcode has been cut off the card.

On the back, there's a barcode on the bottom. Gone. How did you do that? In the back corner. to make it untraceable, what they think would be untraceable. But obviously, you know, that's interesting. And the spelling, too, the name of Allen spelled wrong and the your next. So they looked at all this and they thought, you know, basically a stranger stalking this widow knows her dead husband's name.

Maybe he saw him in the paper. This guy died because there's been a lot of home invasion and they put the address. I got their address. It was in the newspaper like crazy. The two L's is how you spell his name, huh? No, you spell it with one L. This is a misspelling. Got it.

So during this time, his daughter buys the business. Yeah. Purchased one of her father's businesses, the Helmic Mortgage Company, which she then sold five months later, made a little profit, which is what he would have wanted her to do, I'm sure. You know. So the family here, including his son-in-law, Josh, told investigators that, that the family, that Miriam was flaunting the fact that she was entitled to everything the couple owned or came into after the marriage. He told investigators when he said, I knew this would happen. He said, I knew this would happen the day of the death, referring to because he was wealthy.

Now, the investigation goes on. They talk to their housekeeper. This is who you want to talk to. The housekeeper knows all. She's, yeah. You know, they know everything. She's in the house. She's in the house and also a lot of people treat housekeepers like furniture, like they can't hear what you're saying.

Right. Over hearing your conversations. They've seen your shit streaks. They know all about your shit streaks. They know, yeah, they know shit before. You know shit. So this housekeeper, and she's been there for years, said that they were normally very chatty. But on the day before Alan was killed, they were not talking to each other.

Oh. She said you could cut the tension with a knife. And she said that there was just something. wrong that day. Miriam was sitting at a desk and, quote, had a look of hate and anger on her face that she thought was like, woof, she said, quote, I can still see that look. I see. I see. So she said she went to the home on June 9th, which wasn't her regular cleaning day, but the helmets were expecting guests. So she went and she said Alan and Miriam walked into the house together while the cleaning woman was in the middle of her work. And they said basically next to nothing. She

said it was very strange from the time they walked into the door. It didn't appear that Alan wanted to talk. It looked like a couple that was fighting, and then they've walked into a third party, and now they have to both shut the fuck up because they're not going to pretend everything's fine. Then investigators began looking into Miriam Moore, and they found out, this is from an affidavit, quote, Miriam Helmick was transferring funds from Alan Helmick's personal checking account

to herself and the Dance Junction account without Allen's knowledge before he died. Oh. So the Dance Junction here was in debt by the spring of 2007, as of course it is. According to the affidavit, Helmick was making out more than $16,000 worth of checks from Alan's checking account to the dance studio and herself and signing the checks, which she was not authorized to do. Okay, so she's been doing this for a while. She has been forging Allen's signature on a bunch of checks to herself, to her businesses, to the horse operation, and then she'd pull the money back out of those businesses and put it in her pocket. So she wasn't actually paying the bills of the businesses. She was putting it in and packing it.

Yeah, she's making it look like she was paying the bills, but she wasn't. So I guess 10 forged checks are what we're talking about here, but they think there was more than that is. well. There's a couple of different accountings of this. Some people say about $40,000 and some people say about $16,000. Not sure. But either way, Alan never noticed it. Thousands either way.

Didn't mistrust her. At some point here, a very large amount of money, reporting puts it about $140,000, had been moved out of Allen's personal checking account to pay down two commercial loans. Uh-huh. Now, these were loans that people that know Alan said he would never have done. He said he would have never handled it that way without driving to the bank in person and sorting it out face to face. That's how he did things. The bank wanted the balances paid.

They tried to call Allen and got Miriam and got the voicemail, got the daughter. These are the people they were sending these letters. This is the letter they're sending, hey, why are you, where's this money going? So that's what they said. and they said that, you know, that maybe this was what this is. They were trying to say she has no motivation because of the pre-up. He's hemorrhaging money. But they say, yeah, but the thing is, if he finds out about this and divorces her, then she gets shit.

Right. And he kicks his ass. He's getting that money right to fuck back if she's still got it. That's the other thing, if she's embezzling it or whatever. So that's the thing. So they're like, look, at this point, it might have been better for her to be that he was dead. Oh, boy. One friend said, if Alan learned that Miriam was stealing money from him, he would have kicked her out and divorced her, period.

Yeah. That's it. Hard stop. So it's interesting. As accounts are being looted, loans are being taken out in his name. It's not good. This was all before he died. Then they show phone records here that they look.

Because they're really looking into Miriam now. Yeah. And they show, this is fucking crazy. She called her husband's cell phone from April 1st through June 12th. she called him 217 times. God damn. Which I don't even know if that's a lot. Calling would be a lot, I guess.

How long? How big of a month? This is two months and 12 days. That's not a lot. It doesn't, yeah, that's like four times a day. Four times a day if they were out or whatever. I'm going to say when I'm on the road or something, me and Sarah just back and forth the whole time. We thought, you know, constantly calling each other back and forth.

The weird part is, that's not the weird part. But the weird part is there was only a conversation twice. Out of 217 times she called her husband. He never answers her. The rest went straight to voicemail. And they said 153 calls were bounced off a cell tower just across the street from their home, suggesting that both of them were in close proximity. So this is in the house, they're calling.

Now, what they figure is, through this, Alan had just one. unsaved message from April 1st through the day that he died on his phone. On the morning of June 10th, Miriam left four voicemail messages on her husband's phone. All of them were played later on, and we know what that is. It's not like you to call, call me, give me a holler, all these, and then the ones we told you. So they're like, what, why would he, you know what I'm saying? Why would he? Not answer?

Well, why is, okay, there's no messages left any other time. So why on this day is she leaving four voicemails when the whole rest of the time, she only left two in two and a half months, but she leaves four this morning. Two hundred times, he doesn't answer you anyway. What do you mean it's not funny? He never answers you. Yeah, and a lot of those they think were her checking his voicemail. Oh.

Also, because remember you used to have to call your voicemail. Right. Yeah. So the investigators also learned that the time, what she was doing around the time of the death wasn't consistent with her usual schedule. One of Allen's daughters said it made very little sense why Miriam would call Alan several times the day of his death because she kept his phone in her purse most of the time. So he probably didn't even have it. And according to phone records and receipts and all that kind of shit, she said she started running errands at 9 a.m. at the Orchard Mesa, market at 176 tuna our 176 29 road and went to several other stores until about 11 went to get

Chinese food he never answered she went home during her in errands she called six times and left four voicemails wow now the other thing they learn is they really wanted to figure out what's up with that card because if someone did put that card on there obviously they'd be someone they would want to talk to because that's like a murdery thing to do. So they need to find out who did this. Now, there's no prints. There's no DNA. So someone did this right. The card itself, though, has no barcode, but someone made this card. It's a store-bought card. Somebody made the, it's not a homemade card. Oh, I see. Yeah. A company has it. A company made this card. So they contact the company that made the card and said, we got this fake Einstein quote. Where you're selling this? Yeah.

Where are you selling it? We got your bullshit Einstein. We got your horse shit on there. It's probably got Einstein's face on it, too. And they said, well, it's only sold at three stores in that area. Okay. So that's good. Narrow it down.

They went to the stores, and a loss prevention officer at a city market, which is about 10 to 13 miles from the Helmic home, said that that exact card had been sold there recently. Okay. And I have video if you want to see the person buying it. that's amazing that they can just Yeah, based on this barcode, we know exactly when It didn't even have a barcode. It didn't even have a barcode.

Right, but the ones that exist, you can just pull that barcode and be like, yeah, this barcode's been run this many times. Totally, absolutely. So they get the tape. It's a VHS that they record over all the time. So, I mean, it's snowy and everything,

but they can see, it's fucking Miriam buying the card. Oh, Miriam. It's Miriam. How dare you? You threatened yourself. She carried it up to the register, paid in cash, and walked out four days before it was she found it under her dormant. She was also wearing the same style of shirt that she had walked in with during her interview.

So like, it's definitely her. She's even wearing her shirt that she wears. How do you walk into the card aisle and go, this one's creepy? This one will do? Yeah, it's fucking nuts. Because it has the word insane on it. Insane. And yeah, I'm going to do it over and over again, meaning I'm going to kill more.

So now they have the tape. They know she wrote the card. They know that she has been fucking around with the money. They know that the bank wanted to talk to them. They know all this shit. So they're like, we got to go talk to her. And confronted with the tape, she said, okay, fine, I wrote the card. First she said, absolutely not.

And then they showed her the tape. And she went, okay, fine. I bought it. It's me. I mean, the easy thing to way to sidestep that is say, I bought a bunch of cards. Why would she only buy one? That's a stupid move. I had a bunch of cards in the house.

Somebody took one out of the house and wrote it to me. That's a good answer. You could try that. That's the best answer you got. It's not good, but it's better than, okay, fine, it's me, I guess. It's better than I've never seen it before. Well, there's a tape of you seeing it. Oh, shit.

Fuck. So our explanation, was that I didn't do it to throw you off the course or to try to, I did it to try to help you guys. Oh, God, ma'am. She said she felt the police weren't working hard enough on Allen's murder. So she planted the threat so it would reignite the case under, right, light of fire under their ass and maybe even get some more media attention, which would force you guys to do more work on this. You understand. I gave you another clue.

Yeah. And they were like, huh? Snoop. All day, every day. We've been working on this. There's not a lot of murders around here. This is kind of a big deal. People are wanting this solved.

So she also said, I even know who my alter, I know who killed my husband. I know who did it. And they said, well, who? And she said, Alan Jr. Oh. His own son. She said he had a strained relationship with Alan Sr. And Alan Sr. had recently cut him off financially.

So he had motive to do this. She said also, I think. Alan Jr. has a methamphetamine problem. Oh, he's a method. That's what she says, who knows, and suggested that I think not only did he, now stay with me, she said, this is going to be crazy. You guys all listen in the baited breath with notebooks. And they said, not only did he kill Alan, I think he tried to blow up the car, too.

Oh, he followed us on a road trip. Diabolical. So the investigators, I mean, they had to take it a face value. They brought Alan in. They checked him. had 100% solid alibis for both the fire day and the killing day. That's the thing about when you make it up. Yeah.

They're doing their day. Yeah. And he was still saying, oh, I love my dad and he's the best guy ever. Yeah. So then the prosecutor said that Alan had taken out a $25,000 life insurance policy six days after his murder. How did he do that? Miriam called asking how she could collect the money. But she was told she couldn't because the policy was void after several monthly premiums went unpaid.

If you're going to take, you know, you have to pay the premium, stupid. That's part of it. You got to pay your bills. You got to pay your bills. So then they go to the computers now. They take Miriam's computer and they found over 180 searches related to Allen's medications. Now, mind you, there's no poison in a system or anything like that. The gunshot wound is the death. She searched Ambien overdose.

She searched Viagra overdose. Oh. Your dick explodes. It's just boom. Porky's, like Porky's rifle. That's it. Yeah, it's all frayed on the end. It's Elmer Fudd in it.

Yeah, whatever. It's Elmer Fudd, yeah, but I get what you meant. I saw him. They're similar looking. They're the same guy. Same dude. Yeah. So she also, she searched that what happens when you mix Ambien and Viagra.

if you have heart problems because she knows he's got heart issues. Dang, that's a sleepy boner. Then she searched poisoning methods. Uh-huh. Ways of poisoning people that are undetectable, less detectable,

and all that kind of shit. It's wild. If this is true, this woman went through all the trouble in the world and was like, fuck it, I'm going to shoot him. Exactly, yeah.

Wow. So the, The computer, by the way, was a gateway, which is just if you want a little blast from the past with the cow spots and all that shit. Those cowspots are amazing. They had whole giant stores full of those fucking things. That's insane. The box that showed up was all cow print. It was all a big cow print.

So this computer was Miriam's computer and showed the repeated internet searches. But overdosing on the drugs he already had and different fucking ways to make it. She even searched for how to put a horse down at home. home. Oh, you monster. They presumed that that was for him, not the horse. There's no horses that have been put down. So if you can put a horse down with something, you can probably do it for a 64-year-old guy, too.

Same thing. I'll bet the first page says, how big a gun you got? Yeah, you got a big old gun. You got one of those things they hit the cows with in the head when you... Those are very expensive to put down. I bet, yeah. A horse, it costs thousands. Fuck it.

Everything with a horse costs thousands of dollars. Everything. Yeah. They just know only rich dumbfucks will pay shit for horses, so they just charge whatever they want. Yeah. That's what it is. But when you put them down, I mean, that horse is thousands of pounds. So you put it down and then...

You've got a 600-pound horse you have to deal with now. Now it's dead weight. Some are 2,000 pounds, 1,500 pounds. They're huge. They're huge, yeah. So they said that, you know, he was... His daughters thought that he wasn't himself. lately and that he was far more ill than he should be, but no poison was ever found in his system.

We don't know if she was doing experiments. It didn't work. Then they find out that investigators learned that Miriam might have had access to a 25 caliber pistol. Oh. This pistol, Alan had received from the estate of his first wife's stepfather. He, the stepfather had given it to the daughter through a, you know, a death, and then he ended up with it after she died. Sure. Now, investigators cannot find the 25 caliber. It's not one of the guns they found in the house. Oh.

But ballistics experts said that if they could find a bullet fired from the gun, they could match it with the bullet that's in Allen's head and maybe they could do something. Sure. So we'll get more on that in a second, by the way. Now, they have a pre-nup, so they're like, you know, why would she do it? And that's when they look at all the fraud she was doing. And they were like, oh, that's why. So he didn't leave, kick her out. then the police discover her past.

They hadn't known shit about her before this. Yeah, Jacksonville's a nebulous place. Well, they didn't even know she was from Jacksonville, really. Really? So they said, oh, okay, she's from out of state. And then when they figured out Florida, the sergeant said, after those discoveries, I realize this is not just bad luck for Miriam. I realize there's more to the story than we know.

Daughter, Amy, dead at 23 of an accidental overdose, $100,000 policy goes to Miriam. husband Jack dead by a suicide from a gunshot to the wrong side of her head and her own half brother is the guy processing it and deciding that it's a suicide and another $100,000 policy that she blew through. Then she was in jail on the counterfeit check thing. She allegedly embezzled from her own father and stopped the mail from coming just like she was doing with Alan. We're talking about a third life insurance policy, possibly going to this one. How many life insurance policies on average does a person claim? I hope not many.

I have none on anybody, I don't think. I got to assume it's one, maybe two. You. Me and you have life insurance for each other because we run a business together and we have to. That's it. Yeah. And I think maybe Sarah's over. I'm taking it and running.

Yeah, that's it. All 80 grand. I'm taking it and running. They should think I'm staying up all night, reading this shit. Fuck you. I'm going to buy a trailer on the western slope of the Rocky. That's it.

Call it a fucking life. That's amazing. So, anyway, they said the fire on her parents' back porch, by the way, was also, then arson. It all lines up. And the detective in Florida, or the detectives in Colorado asks Florida, please reopen the Jack Giles case. Oh. We're pretty sure she did this.

And Florida said, no. We're Jacksonville. Nope. We're not, yeah, there's plenty of people die here. We don't care. There are gators everywhere. We don't have time to investigate shit. No, they said that they would not help pursue it as a murder.

They'll do nothing for anyone in Colorado or reopen this year. We don't care. Not our problem. We're not investigating anything. Nope, real nice work down there. Now, Miriam, when they go to talk to Miriam now, they realize she has left. She's gone out of Colorado. She's left the state.

She left Colorado too. She fucking took off. Wow. That's it. She can't afford the house anymore and anything like that. So she takes off. She moved in with her son who told her to stay put in Colorado and settle everything. And she told him, no, the police cleared me.

They said it's fine. So I'm coming to live with you in Florida. She went back to Florida. Jacksonville, back to Jacksonville to live with her adult son. Yeah. And she also, her friends are loaning her money and, you know, so she can get clothes and get back on her feet. It's bad. So what does she do? Start dating again. Yeah. Immediately. They were like, our friends were saying like, isn't this a little early? He just died.

This is like September 2008. They're like he died like in the beginning of the summer. But it wasn't, I mean, he had a heart disease. He was going to die anyway. That's how kind of she's saying it. She got on to a, she did a dating app or a website at the time. and it's basically one of the ones that matches millionaires with women. Yeah. That's the one she gets on, of course. She's not looking for love here. Yeah.

She told a friend before she ever met Alan, Miriam said that she wanted a rich old man and didn't care if he had one foot in the grave. Good Lord. And she said about Alan, quote, it took me a long time to find Alan. He was the only one with a portfolio big enough to suit me. Oh, my God. That's what she told a friend. On this site, she found a wealthy older man near Orlando whose profile says he was looking for a partner who could do what, Jimmy. Ah, dance.

Dance. Dance, bitch. Now that I can dance. And also one who loved horses. Uh-huh. I mean, it should have said, Miriam, where are you? Yeah. So if it said Miriam, where are you?

She wouldn't have been able to answer because she's not going by Miriam at this point. What? She changed. Your name? She didn't change it. She's going by a few things. Now, I'll say that in a second. She messaged him that she could dance any dance.

Uh-huh. And, you know, he liked her. They hit it off. She drove a few hours to Orlando, spent the weekend with him. Yeah. He thinks, though, her name is not Miriam because she introduces herself as Sharon Helmick. Do you know who that is? Do you remember?

His ex-wife that died? His dead wife, not ex-wife. His dead wife. His widower? He, why did she do that? She has stolen her ID and is using her fucking ID and saying, I'm Sharon Helmick. She even used it, used her name to get a job for two months doing sales. What?

She has stolen her identity. She's taken the identity of a woman whose heart exploded like a water balloon in her chest. Before the fucking ball even dropped. What an asshole. She's an asshole. And according to the guy down there, she explained her availability was basically her late husband died of a brain disease and that had been coming for years. And that's why she was free to date so soon because she'd been prepared for so long to lose him. And he hadn't been like lucid or anything in months.

So, I mean, she's really, she's mourned him for years. He died of a brain disease where his brain's allergic to 25-calleled bullets. Well, his brain's on the cabinets. And apparently that's a disease. You've got to keep those in your skull, apparently. Hell of a disease. It's on the outside. Yeah.

Your brains actually come to the outside of your skull. It's terrible. Terrible disease. God, she's such a dick. She's a dick, man. This is a dick. It's incredible. Then they find, and this is the treasure trove here.

They find a business associate of Miriam, who's a horse trainer. Who, wow. They talked to her. Her name is Jerry with a J, J-E-R-I. Now, she says here that lately, in late 2008, Miriam claimed to her, to Jerry, that she was in a mental health institution after attempting to commit suicide.

Don't we wish? That's what she told her, Fred. So they were like, okay. She said she'd admitted after she, admitted after she tried to hurt herself. This is Jerry Yarbrough is the horse breeder. And she said that, you know, Yarbrough said that Miriam didn't offer any details about the incident other than, quote, it's not like I tried to shoot myself. Oh. Tried to offer herself in some way is what she's saying. But she's never in a mental

institution or anything like that. She's just lying. This conversation happened in September 2008 after Miriam had phoned Jerry, quote, out of the blue about the health of a horse. Okay. When asked why Jerry didn't ask more questions, she said, I didn't want to know. I was getting more crazy and the whole thing was the whole case was just going bizarre. Every time she talks, it gets weird. I want no part of this.

I don't care is what she said. Well, that's not my problem. I'm sure there's cops involved. Then she talks about a phone call that she had with Miriam on June 12th, 48 hours after the murder, June 12th. My birthday, by the way. She said, Jerry said that about a, this is a separate phone call with Miriam, Jerry Yarbrough said she was struck by Miriam's matter-of-fact demeanor and how she just volunteered information, including how the police had seized her clothing from June 10th to check for,

and she said, quote, high-velocity blood spatter. Oh. Which is very specific. Miriam told Yarbrough that she suspected that a man affiliated with Dance Junction had killed her husband. So somebody who was some disgruntled two-steper is pissed off. How could anybody be mad enough about anything at a dance studio to murder somebody? I mean, honestly.

I just can't get that fox trot. It is so frustrating. I can't get it. It's so weird. So she said she couldn't recall Miriam's reply when asked if she had reported these suspicions to law enforcement. And then Miriam told her, quote, the cops don't care what I have to say. Right. Don't care.

Also, Miriam volunteered other bits of information during the June 12th conversation because of course she did, including the fact that someone had set her husband's car on fire while it was in the parked outside of his business. she had said, quote, I found out, this is what she told, this is the quote, quote, I found out a car won't explode if it has a full tank of gas, and then she left. This is two days after what, uh, wow, okay, I found out, which I believe is physics, by the way, which is pretty ironic. Yeah, he could have told you that. Yeah, he probably could have told you all about why that happened. So, yeah, she found out and then laughed.

Mm-hmm. So, and then she said, this is Jerry said, she said she was going to miss his sense of humor, and then she laughed again. God damn. Damn. When pressed by Miriam here, or later on, I mean, Yarborough said,

she didn't immediately report the statements to law enforcement because she doesn't believe Miriam confided about committing crimes. She said, what was I going to do? Call and say she's weird on the phone. Right. Like, we assume she's the spouse, so you're already looking into her. Like, we just assume that.

I'm not going to call you up and go, hey, she's acting, I don't know, kind of funny. Yeah. She kind of laughed at a weird time. So I don't know you guys don't have any evidence yet or anything or else she'd be in handcuffs, but maybe if you could just arrest her anyways. Also, what am I supposed to do?

People that have a spouse or even just, even an ex-spouse, that die, sometimes they say some wild shit. Like right out of the game. Yeah. It's weird. It's a weird time. His ex-wife, they'd been divorced for, four or five years, she wandered by the room and go, he's on life support.

And she wanders by the room and goes, just go with God. And then walk away. I was like, he's right there. I think he's working on it. He's getting ready is what he's putting his shoes on. I think he's trying his hardest, really. I mean, he's on life support. What more do you want from this poor man?

Oh, death. That's what you want. Okay. Matter of fact, I think they had just taken him off and he was, like he was still breathing and doing... Yeah, it takes a minute. You don't just die as soon as they take you off. Everybody thinks they like you like, and they don't even unplug it.

That's not a thing either. They like... You pull the plug and then it goes, beep. And then the guy's dead. And you go, well, that's that. If they pulled the plug, it would make no noises at all. It's got no electricity. There's nothing there.

They literally disconnect you from it. Slowly it tapers off. Right. She was just like, go with God. I'm like, bitch, I still love him. You may not. Can we have maybe 10 more minutes then after? I mean, now you're impatient?

Unbelievable. Clearly we're at the end. Now you're impatient. So Jerry here also said that Miriam said that Alan had been an asshole to her the last couple of weeks, but didn't go into detail. Okay. And Miriam also told Jerry that she'd been hiding money at the dance. studio so that she had access to money. And then she said to Jerry, quote, I sure I'm going to miss him and then laughed hysterically.

Wow. She's an asshole, just like a dick. Wow. Wow. That's fucking wild. And she also said, I didn't know that a full tank wouldn't blow up and then laughed again. So. She's really working on her hot five, James.

She really is, man. She thinks it's killing. She's, yeah, she is. Well, it's 2008. She's still thinking she can get on like the tonight show or something. It's still a thing to get on a late night show. She's trying. And she's selling the jokes by laughing at them herself.

If you do that, it encourages laughter. Yeah. It's like when Dave Chappelle smacks the mic on his leg. It's that fucking cue you to laugh now. That's training you to laugh is what that is when a comic does that. they're training you in the first two minutes and then by five minutes into it it's i say a joke i hit the thing you laugh now it's a i stumble and almost fall down myself and yeah because i'm so like i didn't even know that was coming out of my own jokes yep that's that's what comics do sadly enough

you want to behind the scenes that's what it is i am shocked with how amazing i am all right i'm cracking my own shit up, and it's wild that you folks found it so funny, too. Weird, right? You see it. You see where I'm going? Yeah, you see. You got it. So, prosecutors here, they want to try to figure out if she actually tried to give him CPR. And this is one of the things that happens in a lot of these cases, the Lori Valo-Daybell case. They found out in Arizona that he definitely, she wasn't giving Charles Valo CPR.

And Corey Richens also pretended to do CPR. And neither did her brother. And they're, yeah, bullshit. All bullshit. So the prosecutors use of, they have a bunch of people that are trying to round up here. So they, they said that she's heard on the 911 call sobbing as the dispatcher tries to coach her through CPR. Which, by the way, she's at least like acting hysterical. Corey Richens, it doesn't even try on the 911 call.

Like, they're like, do CPR. She's like, nah. And they're like, can you, can you pull them off the bed? Can you get them on the floor? And she's like, I don't know, no. Like, she's real just like, no, I don't know, I can't do. She called him heavy or something? That was later when she's like, he was just so cold and heavy.

But on 911, she might have said that. But they were like, you should do this. And she's like, I can't. I can't do it. There's no can't, bitch, you have to. And she's like, okay. And then they're going, one, 1, 1,000, 2, 1,000, count with me. And she's like, 1,000, 2, 1,000, not out of breath from frantically.

She's not doing chest compressions. She's not doing shit. So she's heard doing that, and as they're coaching her through CPR, at one point, she tells the dispatcher she's following the instructions. Okay. Now, former a county sheriff deputy, who was the first law enforcement on the scene, said that he'd been advised by dispatchers that she was in the process of performing CPR on her husband. So this guy expected to walk in on CPR. but when he walked in, Miriam was just kneeling on the side of her husband

but not performing any form of CPR. And he also testified she had no blood on her face, hands or clothing, and no bloody towels were found there. So it's not like she was giving him, you know, was blowing in his mouth and then wiped her face off or something. None of that shit.

So a doctor who's a forensic pathologist to examine Alan also said he found no evidence of bruising or ferozing or, fractures on Allen's chest, which you always get from CPR. If not, fractures, at least bruising. Especially when someone's frantically doing it because they're bashing down on you. A lot of people don't know to put firm pressure to do it. They're just fucking whacking away.

And even that leaves bruising because you're doing it hard and you're pressing past the point where it should go. So you're doing that and it'll break your ribs or sternum a lot of times. So the doctor said that he believes no attempt. was made to ever revive Alan. Wow. Okay. Now, the bullet, here we go.

Because right now, this is all very circumstantial bullshit. I mean, it looks bad. It's a mountain of circumstance. But where's the smoking gun, so to speak, right? So the murder weapons of 25 caliber never recovered. But Alan's daughter remembered there had been a 25 caliber in the house in the past, belonging to her mother, Sharon, handed down from Sharon's stepfather, like we said. now she this is wow this daughter really good shit here she said okay about 20 years ago

yeah right away it's an eyebrow right 20 years ago probably 1989 Sharon's stepfather who had the 25 at the time he was obviously still alive got into an altercation near his home and struggled with a neighbor who tried to intervene and fired a shot into the ground to dispel the situation. What? The stepfather. He got into a scuffle with a neighbor and warning shot into the ground.

And I guess it was two on one and he said, fuck this, boom, who wants some? So the ground is better than in the sky where it would have landed on somebody. So one shot warning shot into the ground. Into the ground. Now, this is a long shot because they're like, okay, if we could recover that bullet and it's the same gun, which they don't know it's the same gun.

It's a 25 caliber, which is not an uncommon gun. No, it's a Saturday Night Special. Women carry it in their purse all over this country. Yep. So they don't know it's the same gun. But if they could find on a 50-acre property where he shot into the ground 20 years ago. And he may have mowed since then. That's the thing about a 25-2.

God knows. It's not a lot of powder behind it. So it could have just hit the ground and bounced off. He may have a mowed and took that shit somewhere else. Shot it into the woods or there's no woods around here, but into the mountains. off the mesa. I don't know. Shot off onto the plane somewhere.

Yeah, yeah. Somewhere down into the desert there where those poor people are farming on the hillside. Landed in some buffalo shit somewhere. That gets very possible. So this is a real, like, they heard this and they're like, you know, what are the fucking odds of this? You know, like this is stupid. Metal detector, something, anything? Whatever.

So they said, let's go look. So they go to try to find a 20-year-old slug pumped into the ground. by a man nowhere near connected to this fucking case. I mean, a dead woman's dead stepfather. On a random shitty afternoon. A dead man's dead wife's dead stepfather. That's the bullet we're looking for here. It's a lot, a lot of death.

So they want to see, they said the gun, basically was the gun Miriam had access to a 25. So they were like, you know, who knows? So the neighbor who'd been there 20 years earlier still lived nearby and was willing to go over and show them the rough area that this happened in. He remembers. Well, yeah, you're going to remember that when your neighbor busted a shot off because there was a scuffle. So they bring in, the county brings in a retired officer who everybody knows as like Mr. Metal Detector. Like he's the best, he does it in his free time. really good with a metal detector and can find anything.

And if you know metal detecting, it's really hard. And if you're not good at it, you're not good at it. We had this one guy who would come over and metal detect in our yard because we have a 200-year-old house. And he'd find all sorts of cool shit. But, I mean, he was really out there, like, on his knees and he's going around. He'd find, like, old coins from the 1800s and cool shit like that out there. And he gave us everything. He just wanted to find it.

Everybody found a belt buckle and a bunch of shit on the lower half of a body. I'm like, James, there's a body somewhere. There's a pocket watch, a fucking knife, a belt buckle. That's everything below the waist. Not my problem. Either that or somebody got to fuck it and they were like pants off and just ran with their dick dangling out. And then ran. So they said this is the guy.

If it's out there, he's going to find it. So they sent him out over all of this acreage with a metal detector and said, find us one bullet. A 25. A specific one. A biggie nail, James. It's a very small ball. Very tiny. Yeah.

So they're like, find that. Yeah. And he fucking did. What? He pulled a fucking tiny 25 caliber out of the ground that's been there for 20 fucking years. Wow. He pulls it out of the ground. Now it's damaged and corroded from 20 years in the soil, of course.

But they said, ah, shit. And it was damaged from impact. The fatal bullets damaged from impact. But the firearms examiner, you know, looks at them and finds the rifling and striations consistent. You can mention. enough to conclude they've been fired from the same gun. Wow. Think about that's good police work.

No, shit. That is, and not even police work, too. That's also great thinking on the daughter's part to go, hey, this might be nothing, but I think there was a 25 involved 20. Think about the memory for that. Who the fuck knows what gun your step-grandfather had 20 years ago? I don't know. It's probably the only event she remembers from that gun.

Maybe, yeah. I don't think you're going to forget that when the gun. the barbecue was ruined. How would you know it was a 25 and how would you say I bet it's the same 25? Like, that's crazy. I wouldn't have known that. So anyway, they compare. What's your slope people?

No fucking firearms. They know firearms. Boy, they need to. So then the car fire they talk about too here. This detective didn't throw anything out. So when Mesa County called Delta to ask on the off chance whether anyone had kept evidence from that failed arson that they closed the case, on, Detective Sean Wells said, I got everything. I got the wick. I got it all. And so I have the, you know, the pull came out of the device. It's in my, in the evidence room. He said, quote,

Mesa County called and asked if I had any evidence by chance from an attempted arson case. I was able to let them know that I did keep the wick as evidence and still had it in my property room. So the prosecutors in D.A. determined the type of rope the wick was made from and found the same type of rope in Miriam's horse trailer. Oh. The trailer she used to haul her horses. Not good. A cutout consistent with a horse lead or rope from her own equipment as well.

And they said the thing, obviously it looked like that. So, yeah. And then they processed Miriam's vehicle, by the way. And they found a very small amount of gunshot residue on the steering wheel. Oh, she fired a gun and drove. Drove. Oh, my God. she did that.

She fucking did all the shit. Did her whole ass day. She is with a little bit of gunshot residue on her hand and it must have worn off by the time. By the time they were doing a GSR test, it was 12 hours later. Yeah. She had taken a shower, done errands, and I'll probably wash her hands 10 times. So December 8th, 2008 in Duval County, Florida, she is arrested. Wow.

She is charged with murder. Uh-huh. Attempted murder, because they're charging her for the arson attempt, and 10 counts of forgery also for all the checks. Oh, shit. It might be 11 counts with the insurance thing, too. Now, they take her into custody, and when they arrest her, the ID she has on her is Sharon Helmick's ID. Oh, fuck. Wow, they should add identity theft to it, too, honestly.

That's just part for the course in Florida. Yeah, that's just normal down there. Bar for the Florida course, everybody. That's just the sixth hole in Florida. So. That fucking Casey Anthony pretended. She stole the, I mean, she didn't even, she's invented an identity. An identity, a job, everything.

I work down this hallway. Yeah. Where's your office? Oh, shit, never mind. So Florida. That's so Florida. So she's returned by it to Colorado. She appears in court and she's charged with all these things.

She cannot make bail because it's two million. $1,000. Ooh. A little pricey. And Allen's oldest daughter, Portia, is in control of his assets. So that's that. She's not alone. Now, her new boyfriend, Charles Kirkpatrick.

Yeah. This is unexpected for this poor bastard. He will surface up as a witness, too. And he said he already kind of got out of the relationship. Yeah. Not because he thought she was a murderer, but he said that he was scared off. by she was pushing too early and too often to move into his place already because she lived with her kid. Yeah.

She wanted out. So. Yeah. And then they talk about what about her first husband? Well, J.P. Morgan, who at the time this was going on, was still a deputy with the Jacksonville Sheriff's Department. Yeah. Was among the first law enforcement officers who arrived at the scene. The death was ruled a suicide.

And they said it's very obvious. This is an assistant DA. in Colorado said it's very obvious Jacksonville law enforcement did not take this very seriously as a homicide investigation. That's crazy. Then they find images on her computer for 39 driver's licenses. She's got 39 other people's IDs? We don't know if these were for future schemes or past schemes. We're not sure, but she had 38, 38 because 39 was Sharon's.

So 38 besides Sharon's. This is crazy. So we don't know what she had planned and she's not telling anybody. She's just going to run until they caught on to that person and changed to another person? Yeah, she doesn't seem to really be planning things out very well. She's bad at this. She's not good at this. No, she's because she's a fraud person who just kind of robs Peter to pay Paul.

And when you get murder involved, you can't rob anybody to pay that back anymore. She's also an 80s and 90s fraud person. She's not a 2013 fraud. No, no, no, no. She's not, she's like a catch me if you can. I'll wash this check. She's not a let me get inside the account and do some hacking and some movie. Yeah, this isn't at all.

And she forgot that they already got fail safe for our wash this check thing. Yeah, because of that. Yeah, because that happened 30 years ago. Idiot. So the trial comes up and there is a pretrial ruling about the Jack Giles case. Oh. Whether that can be brought up, her first husband. The judge rules that evidence about Jack Giles' death is inadmissible and too prejudicial.

Especially, yeah, because it's still a suicide. It's still technically a suicide. And they said if a jury heard about her dead first husband shot in bed and then signed off on by her brother, it's not going to look good. And basically, they're going to convict her on that alone, essentially. So the prosecution does their opening. and they say Miriam repeatedly accessed the voicemail of her husband's cell phone in the months leading up to his killing. They said that they're seeking to illustrate what they allege as a pattern of isolation and already calling a coercive control even back then. They're saying isolation and control by Miriam just before the shooting death of Allen.

And her attorneys obviously say that the authorities can't prove why she was prying into her husband's phone messages. True. Can't prove it. At one point, they, yeah, they're talking about all of that. Like there's no reason for it. So what do you care? Now, the prosecutor who's opening remarks for about an hour, which is a good time, not too long, but, you know, not so short that it's like, Jesus, they don't have anything. They said you're going to hear from a man who went on a date with Miriam in the fall of 2008 in Florida.

there. So you're going to hear from that guy. He met the man. She met the man in an online dating service catering to millionaire men. So that will make her look like a gold digger at that point. The man will testify that Miriam told him that Alan's death was natural and that it wasn't much of a shock. That looks bad. I mean, but her being a liar doesn't mean she's a murderer because she lied to a guy she's in a fucking relationship with. That's not enough. But if you add it all up, Alan was purposely isolated from his family.

they said when someone on the path to loneliness crosses path with greed, the results are devastating. Yeah. That's the prosecutor. That's a good line. The prosecutors also argue the death of her first husband in the face of financial woes shows a pattern. They're not allowed to bring up any things like that. But in the media, they are. They had written in a court filing, too.

The chances of two successive husbands committing suicide are being murdered in the wake of financial difficulties by someone other than the spouse are extremely small. Very small. That's what they tried to do to get the stuff into court, which it's not allowed to be into court. So that was their argument. That is fascinating, though, because it's very rare that somebody is in financial woes and somebody murders that person's spouse and they're like, oh, well.

And solves it. Well, that was lucky. Well, all solved now. Now I can pay those bills off. So the defense here, she has a public defender and said questioning, questions surrounding basically, they were the one that argued that you shouldn't let Jack Giles murder into this because, obviously, it's going to be a distraction and said the fact that Mrs. Helmick had tragedy in her life before doesn't mean she's more likely to commit murder, which is also true. The defense slammed law enforcement's efforts on the case, saying they snared an innocent person in an investigation that quickly arrived at Miriam's presumption of guilt, they said. They go on to say that the investigators ignored a series of leads, including a white pickup truck allegedly spotted on several occasions in the couple's neighborhood.

The problem is she's the only one who ever said she saw a white pickup truck. Nobody else did. And the greeting card debunks that. It ruins that argument anyway. It absolutely ruins it. The defense attorney also said that the two people unaccounted for, both dressed in black, were also seen in the area around 6 a.m. day of the murder. That never substantiated.

He said it doesn't matter to them because they already had their suspect, so they didn't care. Meanwhile, they didn't arrest her for six fucking months. Right. They're acting like they were coming to her house the next day to arrest her. This is a thorough investigation. Now, the defense has to acknowledge that Miriam showed, quote, horrible judgment by putting that card under her door.

That was terrible judgment there. That was bad. Yeah. That really fucked our whole case, to be honest. I get it that that looks bad. But look at it this way. The defense says, look, we don't have to prove her innocent. All we need to do is show you reasonable doubt.

There's no gun, no eyewitnesses, no confession. What are we talking about? You don't have a murder weapon. You have nothing. And so it's pretty strong. There was no motive because of the pre-up. They said she didn't get a bunch of money from him. As a matter of fact, it fucked her, cramped her.

whole lifestyle. Yeah. And the fact that you've connected a bullet in the ground with a bullet in his head, what does that mean? That his ex-wife did this? His widower did this? Yeah. Definitely not Sharon. We know for a fact it's not her. Yeah. No direct evidence. No gunshot residue on her hands. verified alibi, receipts, cell tower ping, store surveillance, voicemails in her own voice. I mean, what are we talking about here? Again, those are easy to set up an alibi, though. And they said he's also genuinely sick. So there is no isolation or coercive control.

It's just a sick man who didn't feel like talking on the phone. That's all it was. The poisoning theory, you know, they said there's no poison in his body. They even thought he was poisoned. But he wasn't. Like everybody's got all these nefarious ideas about Miriam. and look at her. She's fine. What are we talking about? Handwriting expert comes up and tells the jurors that Miriam's handwriting is likely present on eight of the ten checks drawing off the bank accounts controlled by her late

husband, the ones that he can say for sure. So she did a good job on two of them. The agent said that none of the ten checks totaling just more than $36,000 were consistent with known samples of Allen's handwriting. And witnesses have testified that Alan was the only person authorized. to sign on his personal checking account as well as an account he opened for Dance Junction where Miriam was the instructor. The checks ranging in amounts from $500 to $7,000 were in some cases payable to Alan Helmick for cash

and signed Alan C. Helmick or purportedly signed by him and payable to Dance Junction or Miriam. So either to cash or to her or her studio. They bring her daughter in also the Portia Vigil, that's her last name at this point, and she says weeks after that Miriam took off and abandoned the home in Whitewater, she found a folded up pre-up tucked away in a desk drawer.

She said that she read it in court, sections of the document, including a section addressing what should happen to property acquired after Alan and Miriam had married. And they said, you agree it does not say, it does not ever say what should happen to things. and she said yes and then she testified that Miriam told her in May 2008 that the couple's pre-up allowed for her to take all the property

that was acquired after their marriage because they didn't think she even got that they were surprised they said the document appeared handwritten by her father Portia said so the horse trainer Jerry testifies to all that crazy shit

that she said to her including I didn't know the full tank wouldn't blow up right Not even I never knew that. I didn't know that like beforehand. Not I never knew it and then found out after it happened. It's a weird way. Financial witnesses walking the jury through the forged checks, the money routed through

the businesses back into her pocket. So just a big poster board up there showing all of what she did and that looks bad. Also the ballistics of finding the buried bullet. They compare those. They show her that. The digital trail. The searches for Ambien and Viagra and overdone. and poisons and all that shit.

180 plus queries. 39 driver's license images that spoke to she could disappear and get a new identify. And of course, the card. They even show her, show the footage of her buying it. That's hysterical. That's so, yeah, how do you not crack up laughing if you're on a fucking jury seeing that?

Gotcha, bitch. So then Miriam testifies in her own behalf. She has to. What are you going to do? She looks terrible. She looks terrible. She completely changes her look. Oh?

Big glasses and glasses and very plain dark pants and a modest sweater and a little gray in her hair. So she looks harmless, basically. By the way, one of the accounts in the media called her the scheming seductress. Okay. Wow. Scheming seductress and said that she was carefully costumed out of her. of existence and replaced by a meek bookish widow. Yeah, look at me.

Yeah, there's a library woman isn't the sex war that she is. Oh, yeah. Think I'm crazy for old man Orlando? Dick, hell, no, I'm not. I'm just a good book away from a nice quiet evening with some tea, with some d'argealing. So she denies she did anything. She weeps. she recounts the story of how horrible it was to find Alan shot to death and come in the door and all that.

So it's basically, do you believe her or not? Or do you believe the evidence? You're lying, your damn lying eyes. So the verdict, the jury takes five hours of interrogation. That's so fast. Yeah. What am I talking about? Deliberations.

Deliberation. Five hours of deliberations. That's pretty fast. It's quick. Especially with all the forgeries and everything else. She is found guilty of everything. Yeah. Yeah, of everything.

So sentencing comes around. Victim Impact comes here. And Alan's daughter says that Miriam defiled and infiltrated a family before insulting the memory of their late mother by assuming her identity. That's not far off. That's pretty good. Get them, Portia. Yeah, Portia's got, she's on one here. She said, we're happy.

She can't hurt anybody else. And she said this is the end, thankfully. So the judge says, you, ma'am may fuck off. Okay. Now, mandatory life sentence, number one, for the murder. Mandatory life. So that's what she's got to begin with. Life without the possibility of parole, by the way.

She's going to be there forever. So there's that. Then they add on another shit because you have attempted murder. Yeah. All sorts of counts that she's been found guilty. basically they run everything consecutive to life without parole. So she ends up with you, ma'am, may fuck off life plus 108 years. That's a lot.

That is a shit load. That's impressive. That is really fucking. And if Jacksonville had any fucking balls, they could investigate and get her for another one. They probably could. She's also ordered to pay $521 in court costs. Okay. Seems like that would bounce right off you after you hear Life Plus 108.

So, yeah, they said there was no discretion on the first degree murder without the possibility of parole. But the rest of them, she had some, you know, had some leeway and they decided to go consecutive and maxed out on everything. Awesome. That's what they get. The fire investigator. Yeah. This is the guy, Detective Sean Wells again. He said, I think if Alan would have let me speak with Miriam and continued to investigate,

I believe I would have been able to charge her with the attempted arson. I think he would have accepted it once he saw the evidence I had compiled, and ultimately that would have saved his life. I would have gotten him to leave her. I mean, Jesus Christ, you'd have to be like, dude, I don't care if I got to show up in a parking lot and show you this shit. She tried to blow you up in a roadman. Man. Does that mean anything to you? He also said about everything, about the whole case. He said, it does make me sad that it came to that in our community. We're small towns. This just doesn't happen here.

It just doesn't happen. This is why we do small town here. Never. This doesn't happen here. This doesn't happen here. First time. And I think it's only episode 709. Doesn't happen here. And I think it made people realize it can happen anywhere. You bet. Yes. If they haven't heard this show, then yeah, for sure. She's sent to the Denver Women's Correctional Facility in 984-bed institution housing women at every custody level, where she is inmate number 148-4-1-2

in case you want to write to her. A sweet card. Oh, yeah. That's the crazy part, too. She's done it. I mean, allegedly, over and over. Yeah, that's what I mean. This is, she's a scary.

It's scary, dude. It's scary. So on appeal, this is the direct appeal, she argued that the judge had wrongly admitted certain evidence and expert testimony. The judge who decided this said, although there were no other eyewitnesses to the murder or the attempted murder, the murder weapon was never found. The prosecution presented a substantial amount of circumstantial evidence of guilt. And that's the thing.

You can be convicted on circumstantial evidence, and you can't just say, you can appeal saying there wasn't enough evidence on direct, which is what they do. But they're not going to just say, well, since there was no physical evidence, that means that you're overturning it. No. That just means the prosecutor and the cops are going up a hill. That's all that means. That's it. Yeah, they have to prove a shitload more. If you have physical evidence, all the other stuff could not even really line up that well.

but if you have none, everything else has to line up so perfectly. It's like a zipper closing. Like everything has to go or else it's going to be all crooked and mangled and it's just not going to come down and then you're going to piss your pants. So that's how it works. So this appeals denied. Yeah. Then the next appeal is on a shoe print.

Okay. She argued ineffective assistance of counsel, specifically that her trial lawyers should have called their own expert on the dust shoe print impressions collected at the scene, several of which were never matched to anybody. This is so small, we didn't even bring it up in the case because it mattered none. So they said the court's reasoning here was even with a defense shoe print expert, the evidence at the post-conviction hearing didn't reveal anything materially new, which is what you need to have here. And there was no indication that the unmatched prints belonged to anyone other than people already counted for it, accounted for at the scene. And they said, this is from the judge.

key point is that the evidence at the post-conviction hearing did not reveal additional materially significant evidence regarding the dust shoe print impressions found at the murder scene. Okay. 2024, another appeal. Oh. Okay. Now she said this appeal adds, first, it's ineffective assistance of counsel of the first one. Now she's adding ineffective assistance of the last appeal counsel, too, to this.

Oh, that last appeals. throw that one in here too on top of it. Everybody's fucking me. A panel here with the judges said that, well, I'll just read the, this is Judge Gilbert Roman from the Colorado Court of Appeals. After a month-long trial, a jury found Helmick guilty of first-degree murder for shooting and killing her husband, attempted first-degree murder for previous attempt to kill her husband, and ten counts of forgery. The trial court sentenced her to life in prison without the possibility of parole and imposed additional sentences. And they said this court reaffirms her convictions again. Yeah.

So that's it. They said that it raised claims that have already been decided and could have been raised earlier and are vague and without a factual basis, essentially. Okay. If she couldn't get to be more of an asshole. It's tough. Last year, 2025, she does a prison interview with 2020. Why'd they do that?

I don't, because they were doing the story, I think. I don't even know if they did it, but I don't know if they did the whole murder. or story or not, but I think they did. 2020, they want to interview her, and she described Alan as a very kind, very sweet man. He always had your best interest at heart, usually. I don't know what that means. They're usually in there. So they gave her the car fire.

They talked about the car fire, and she said he came in saying his car was on fire, and he asked me to get water, and that's all I know about it from there. Okay. That's it. Then she said, this is wild. She says, honestly, she thinks Alan set the fire himself for insurance money. Oh, he's going to, on a 14-year-old Buick. What's the insurance on that?

Burned down his roadmaster for fucking $8,000. Eight grand for a 14-year-old Buick from the midnight. I think was probably worth $3,000. Yeah, insurance-wise, yeah, you're probably right. Think of any shit. Yeah. They don't care. A blue book on that thing?

Are you fucking kidding me? So she said, he said it himself for the insurance. That wasn't me. I'm blamed the dead guy. That guy's an insurance fraud guy? Wow. Yeah, it sounds like you're the guy who does that. You're the chick who does that.

So she says that, quote, it won't be over for anybody until it's over for me. And I do have hopes. I know that I didn't kill him. What a crazy thing to say. And then she said, which is crazy. she talked about the fire and she said quote the thing about Alan if he had thought I had done it he'd have helped me pack a bag and put me on the I-70 I don't think she means that I don't think she means that like helpfully no I think she means he to kick my ass out yeah he just sent me east

he to set my ass yeah back to Florida basically now the murder house still is up still exists and it is not for sale at the moment it's a four bedroom three bad 3,290 square foot house. So very nice house on 39 acres. Fuck. And right now, this estimate on it is 960,200 bucks. Awesome. By the way, it was built in 2003.

So when they moved in, it was like brand new. He built her a fucking house. Essentially, yeah. He bought a house right around the same time. Yeah. His wife died. It was built, and then he bought it a year later. Oh, got it.

Yeah, okay. So who knows? If he was maybe the first, they might have been a brand fucking new house. He may have, he may have had that house being built for him and his wife and then she died. That's really possible. So there you go, everybody. Whitewater, Colorado. Holy shit.

This is fucking diabolical. And I know last week we had like the cereal poisoner and all that. Not that similar, but it was kind of like a different way to do that is what I was going for here. Like that's poisoning and I'm a sweet old lady. And this is like, oh, blow motherfucker's head off and say I was getting Chinese food. It's just a different approach to everything. I'll shoot this motherfucker and go get four for ten at Victoria's Secret.

What a bitch. Yeah, what a bitch. So there you go, everybody. If you enjoy this show, get on whatever app you're on. Give us five stars. It helps a ton. It helps drive you up the charts. Also, Netflix, give that thumbs up.

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She wants money for her ticket. I've got to give money for her ticket. Sorry, Eddie Murphy Raw lives. Oh, Camille. Eddie Murphy Raw lives in our heads all the time. And it's everything we can do to constantly not reference it.

So this is what you get. So anyway, where was I? Yeah, tickets for live shows. September 18th, Milwaukee at the Pabst Theater. Great theater. It's going to be great city and great shows, too, always there. Then the next night we're at the state theater in Minneapolis, which we love Minneapolis. It's incredible.

And you guys got to get your tickets, though, because Milwaukee's beating you at this point. You guys can't have that, right? Flood it in. Yeah, you want the Packers to beat the Vikings? Let's get your asses in there. Then we are September 3rd or October. 3rd, I'm sorry, in Dallas, October 16th in San Jose, October 17th in Sacramento. Next month, and after that, November 13th in Terrytown, November 14th in Boston.

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This week, which you're going to get for crime and sports, we're going to talk about hostage situations, which are fascinating to me after he did the Stockholm syndrome thing, because it's a weird dynamic. Then for small town murder, oh, I can't wait. Corey Richens part three. What a big. You might go, what more do we need to hear from her?

Well, we need to hear all the stuff that we needed to hear before that never came out. And that's her kids saying exactly what she actually did that night, not what she told the cops, shit and having big things about what a terrible mother she is. She made them eat uncooked lasagna. And then she does an allocution where she talks for a fucking hour in a crazy. It's crazy. You have to hear of this shit.

What is actual scumbag she is. And there's even more evidence that we found out that we didn't find out during the trial. Great stuff. Can't wait to do that. Patreon.com slash crime in sports. And you get every goddamn thing we put out ad free. Small town murder, your stupid opinions, crime in sports. All ad free.

And you get a shout. out, which is right now, Jimmy! Hit me with the names of the best fucking people in the world who would never try to set our cars on fire with a horse rope. Jimmy, hit me with them right fucking now. This is executive producer Gary Howard in Metropolis, Illinois,

and Happy Hours in Texarkana. Oh, Jesus. The truckers are really in the worst places. They are hurting in the summertime. Texarkana, fuck, happy hour, man. Bruelly. Other producers this week, Peyton Meadows, Scott Rashard. in Maricopa.

Latasha Dickie, Nee Campbell. Is Ney the former name? Is that what that means? N-E-E. Yeah. Yeah, that means, formerly Campbell.

Used to be. Yeah. All right. Latasha. Alexa, La Grotaria. Sounds delicious. Loggera. I've eaten there many times.

It's delicious. The grotaria? Yeah. Absolutely the best. Sounds vile. Janice Hill, Garrett Wright. Happy birthday. Garrett. Hey, happy birthday.

You did it again. Don Brooks, Casey Boyce, Kristen Taylor, Jennifer McCormick Yorgansky, Macy Wilson, Robert Hill, Aaron Beacon, Anna Christina Acosta Shoemaker. God damn it. Perhaps Schumacher. Let's get you have three, four more names. Yeah, yeah.

Get married again. Duke with no last name. Chantelle Duchain, like Andy Dufrain. Oh. Yes, and E. Andy. Jesse, Jesse D. DeMone. Aaron Witzel. Aaron Elliott. Nick would know last name. Aaron would no last name. E.R. E.N. I think that's Aaron. Ren, perhaps. Janay Riley. Victoria Chance. Bella Rive. Bellarive. Connie Hill. Karen Woods. Deke. Deke. The dude. The dude. Roni. Ronnie Brown. Kenny Brown. Keni Gargan. D.V. This show brought to you by domestic violence. How about that? Rebecca Koon. that's what we're looking for.

Bobby Joe Lewis, Sean Fried, Lorraine, Lorraine, probably. Singleton. Karen would no last name. CRY N, A-R-Y-N. Yeah. Ginger Juniper. Tina Manley.

Sylvie Hush. Dave Bateman. Jennifer Williams. Katie Francheschi. Franceschi. Franchesi. Brody would know last name. Victoria.

Ibrahimi. Charles. Abraham. Hebra hemi. Haimi. Heimi. It's hemi. All right.

Cozy favor. Sincere. It's probably sincere. Sinceree? Sincerey? Oh, it's censoray. Slinger. Oh, it's not asslinger.

Oh. It's not asslinger. Sensory ass slinger? What's going to mean? Yeah. Wesley Brewer. Scott and Michelle Shreve. Pamela Pettettit.

Gretchen Beechler. Chasta? The Milf. Chasta, James. C-H-A-S-T-A. The milk. Chasta. That's Chasta. Kristen Davis. Not that one probably.

Maybe. Maybe. No, it's with an E. We know Kristen Davis. That's why we asked. That's why I said it like that. Rachel Wright, Serenity Anderson, Amanda Curtis, Lauren, Laura Hanby, Pumpkin Terry, Gabrielle, Gabrielle, Cabellio, Cardine. Cardine, Cardin, Carrie Rogers. What is Cardin? Carlin. Pascal, Criner, Lee, Weissinger, Weissinger, Weissinger, Keelich, Chemarero, chemo, chemo, chimero, what? Ronica Bompis, this is fucked. Michael Dorsey, Acid, Base 32, Ryan Lundy, these are the worst this week. These are so hard. Natalie Rice, Nope, with no last name, the Dixon family, Tamora DeLisser, DeLiscer. All right, Robert Hayes, Gail would know a lot. I read a word and look at it. There we go.

All right. Then I start counting letters. Kevin Ryan, Natasha Dan, Jen Johnson, Jess Norton, William Sutton, Noia G, Kit Kat Smile. Ashley would know last name. Do or do not, there is no try. Angela would know last name. B. Dory. Marceal.

Marseille. Mercer would, oh, Mercer 28-02. Gross. Why would you do that? Jamie would know last name. D. Prime. Charlotte Lyman. Lyman, Missy would know last name.

Brooklyn, Cole, Katie Delos, De Los Santos, Leanne Scalia. Scalia. All right, Italic Macaroon, Dakota, Firehirm. Firm. Mad Cat Town House. Molly Johns. Jesse would know last name. Kel made it.

Shane Bowman. Diane Jones, Matthew Wells, Kate Smiley, Crystal. Crystal Arce. Arce. Shay W. Alex Roe. Erica Terigni, Terriini, Matthew Garrett, Justina, Justina Dawkins, Jasmine Scott, Kendall would no last name, Dina Highland, Misty would no last name, Robert Charvat, Louise Tate, Louise Tate, Matt Montalvo, Brooke Belcher, Christy Adams, Kelly Chris, Willow Holkin, Savvy, Savvy, Sav, probably short-serv for Savannah, with no last name, Johnny Boltoe, The almond boy, Stacey Hall, Cucat, Rell, Rell, Uncut.

Good for you, Rell. Scott Blubaw, Shelley would know last name. Kayla Redinger, Riedinger, Samuel Penner, Ashley would know last name, Jamie Lynn McMullen, Sam Summerlin, Jennifer would know last name, Savannah, Bacon, Aaron Barrs, Petra Slaughter, Vicki Narusowitz. Neru Suits. Yep. Jackie Eulane. Ortega. Christina Houston. Or Hustin. Or Huston.

Mia would know the last name. Chloe Kane. Chloe Kane. D. and J. DJ with no last name. Heather, what is this? Vogel. White and nerdy. Phildo with no last name. He's just a Phildo. And all of our patrons. You guys are the best. Thank you so much, everybody.

You fantastic, wonderful bastards. We appreciate all that you do for us every goddamn day and every night and every afternoon and every other time you listen. Every moment. Thank you. Isn't this like a tea commercial or some sort of card commercial, a douche commercial maybe? Every moment of every day feels like a tea that keeps you regular. It keeps you regular. Yeah, there's like two women walking on the beach, a mother and a daughter, and she's like talking about her period and then not being regular.

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Good to see you out there. I'm here with Jimmy, too. And this is an ad, but not an ad for a product. This is an ad for tour dates. Yes, come see a live show the 2026 tour. All the tickets are for sale right now, starting out with February 21st in Nashville, March 6th in Durham, March 7th in Atlanta. Phoenix is sold out. We do have tickets, though, to your stupid opinions on the 21st of March.

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