Smoke Sesh - art of seduction, pathological lying & existential dread

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

hello hotties and welcome back to smoke sesh! we have a lot to chat about today as we talk what I've been up to, dive bar experiences, seduction, flirting, the art of seduction, feeling yourself, fitting in, traveling, cosplaying, becoming a woman, growing pains, body changes, second puberty, moving your body, body neutrality, fear of driving, learning to drive, overeating, emotional eating, eating rationality, learning to cook, getting out of a funk, finding the light, learning to how fun, pathological liars, lying, growing up, existential dread, world worries, doing something about it, lingerie, living alone, friends with exes, what are we conversation, trusting yourself, monitoring spirits, getting flown out, healing and much much more!watch the vlogs on YouTube at hannahmarlene444join the patreon! new episodes (and more) at patreon.com/smokeseshshawtysubmit your questions and call ins every week on instagram.com/hannahmarlene

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of SmokeSash. So come hang out. Let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Hello, hello, hello, hotties. And welcome back to another episode of the SmokeSash podcast. Woo, you guys. Technically, Today is Labor Day, baby, we don't participate here, unfortunately. But I do have a little bit more of a chill day today that I'm very much so looking forward to.

We got some rain, thank God in the forecast, because these 100 million degree temperature days in September, I'm going and saying I'm losing my mind just a little bit. I'm ready for fall. I'm ready for crisp weather. I'm ready for falling leaves, a pumpkin spice, babe. I am in my white girl fall era where I'm just so ready for it. The pumpkins, the soup, soup season. And I made a pot roast last week and it was literally a million degrees.

And it was like, babe, we just have to hold off a little bit longer. So I'm looking forward to the rain coming through, cooling some things down for us. Please, for the love of God. Speaking of heat, usually on the days I film this, I also take my horseback riding lessons. but low key thank god my instructor we were on the same wavelength she canceled last minute this morning so mama i was up early ready to get some work done i'm not physically and mentally exhausted sitting down to do this podcast i did go and work with zena yesterday that was so nice to go and see her and just bond with her uh it is so nice to bond with her and just like have a little girl day

we literally just did a fun spa day because she's just rolling around the dirt she's a mess she's muddy she's a farm animal like of course she's a dirty hello um so i was like you know what it's a million degrees out let me go give her a bath let me use her like antibacterial soap or whatever for her sores for her itchiness for the horseflies that freaking love to bite her let me do her main let me comb it out let me clean her fly boots it was a full girl's day and we were having a key yesterday it was a fabulous way to spend my sunday today is a great way to spend my monday i woke up early made banana bread. Hello. If you want to see that recipe, it's up on my Instagram. I have a real, it's a cinnamon crunch banana bread. This is actually my second loaf I've made. You guys, banana bread is so easy.

Please, if you don't know how to bake, I promise you, you can make banana bread. I pinky fucking promise you. And it's so good. It's so hearty. A warm slice of banana bread in the morning. Oh, is there anything better? So that was a great way to spend on my morning. Um, had to sex for the first time in weeks because of my yeast infection shout out to the yeast infection girlies you guys wow thank god i'm more prone to uti's because that was crazy to deal with and it's so scary when something happens down there because you're like oh no oh no what's going on thank god shout to my doctor immediately prescribed me some medicine same day delivery hello i didn't know they did that on my front doorstep immediately took that pill girl we were in the clear gave it seven days to do work its little magic

and yeah i'm really just riding that high this morning really just riding that high this morning i think i am going to go do some stuff on my fall bucket list later today though um the sunflowers are blooming it is the um sunflower blooming season you're like babe isn't that all of summer well in the middle of nowhere kansas there's like this farmer who blooms like acres and acres and acres like rolling hills miles of sunflowers it's actually bonkers to see i feel like it's one of the seven wonders of the world out in lawrence kansas is called griner's hold on hold on for my kansas folk let me put you on just real quick grinter farms g r i n t-er farms you guys it's just magical out there so i think i'm going to go do that i need you some apple picking soon i have

some apple recipes I want to make. But yeah, that's really all I have to catch you guys up on. Sorry, kind of been boring L. lame recently. But I've just been taking it slow, been chilling, really focusing on me. What else can you really do during this time period? I will say if you follow anything that has to do with astrology, and if you don't care about astrology, well, maybe you should get on board because we're all about to be affected. it's like when there's a torrential like hurricane coming through or something and they're like

evacuate evacuate and people are like no i'm just going to sit my ass right here it's not going to be that bad it's like baby they're saying evacuate for a reason we have a venous retrograde coming up conjunct a mercury retrograde at the same time or like overlapping at least not yet not yet not yet we have some time it doesn't happen to like midish october so right now we have the shadow period. The shadow period of anything, any sort of retrograde that happens is usually the two weeks before and the two weeks after of when things start ramping up and when things start cooling down. You know, the first day it goes into effect. It's not like, bam, immediate. It's like you do with energy, you kind of have to get the ball rolling before it enters like what is known as the

time period. Like it doesn't just immediately go into effect like magic. But you know, you're going to see some things start popping up. You're going to start questioning some people. You're going to start going, do they really love me? Do I actually love them? Do I prioritize them? Do they prioritize me? Do they love me in my love language? Do they see me for who I am? And that doesn't even have to do with just romantic relationships. It also has to deal with friendships, um, co-workerships, any sort of like interpersonal relationship you have of people or places or things, you're going to be questioning your relationship to them, but sometimes we need a good questioning. Sometimes we need a good questioning just to make sure everybody's on the right track, that you're on the right track and that you're getting everything

you deserve. So right now, if you want to adequately prepare for what is to come, which we will address later, now's the time to get in the fuck you kind of mindset. And not in an unhealthy way, but in a baby, I'm going to put myself first period point blank kind of way. I'm going to put myself first. I deserve to put myself first. I deserve to put my intentions, my desires, everything I want and dream and I'm looking towards first. So if you need an excuse to become a raging fucking bitch, just kidding, just kidding.

If you need an excuse to put yourself first to say no, to say yes, to tell this person to fuck off, to get out of someone's life, to cut someone off, to set a boundary, baby, now is the time to do so. Anyways, like I said, don't have much of. to catch you guys up on. Hopefully here soon. I'm really manifesting this girl's trip to New Orleans. If anybody's went to New Orleans, let me know down below if it was so fun and magical. I am just, like I said, I'm ready to get spooky and weird and freaky with it. I am really feeling the Halloween energy this season. Last year, I was like, yeah, Halloween, cool, fun, fine. I went to Japan last

year, so I was mostly focused on that and it was like two days after Halloween. So my brain was split a little bit but this year i'm like like let's get fucking weird and wild with it i want to wear all black i want to wear crushed velvet i want to make midnight margaritas i want to go to a seance like why not why not my Halloween costume just came in the mail about to go to the renaissance festival get a dress up for that you guys i'm so excited and i hope you guys will be excited as well now it's still too early i know the whole summerween thing was a trend baby let's save that for time in place time and place. Um, we'll get into like Halloween stuff later. Don't worry. We're not there quite yet. But best believe you might as well plan sooner than later. Always plan sooner than later.

Always have at least three costumes, even if you're only going out one day, have three costumes. So then you can kind of like, ooh, actually, I'm bloated today. I don't want to wear the, you know, tummy out costume or, oh, actually, I'm really hot and sweat. today maybe I do want to wear the tummy out costume. Ooh, actually, I'm feeling really fucking hot and sexy today. Let me wear the sexiest costume I have. Having options is always nice for Halloween. So if you're doing any sort of Halloween shopping, I highly recommend, you know, having some

options for yourself. And also, dare I say, homemade is always better than bought online. Bot online is cute, period. But homemade, collecting the pieces, finding them, you know, putting together your own twist in style on something. That's always the way to go about it. Especially with the Renaissance festivals, especially with Halloween. Okay, sorry, that was all over the place.

Oh, and also, vlog of the week, vlog of the week, it is out now. I really just did a stoned glam routine. It was very fun, kind of just silly. I revamped my like full glam, everyday glam. I'm nodded not in that today, so please don't judge me. But I finally revamped it, got some new. products that I've been looking forward to. And yeah, if you want to just like Kiki and get ready with me for those girlies who are maybe

back in college, back at school, waking up early, getting ready, going out. It's a fun little video. And if you have any requests, let me know down below. I'm happy to always accommodate. I went through all of you guys' questions and baby, they are all over the goddamn place. So I think this is just going to be everywhere, always all at once, whatever the fucking saying is kind of episode. And for that kind of vibe, I think we need a smoke a bowl. So let's get into it. Cheers.

Mama Mia. Mama Mia. It's a silly week. The energy is very silly this week. I'm really just taking it so unsuriously and just trying to have fun and like what else is a girl to do? Like honestly. Hey, Queen. So basically, I'm in my first relationship that I can get my freak flag fly. but oh my god did i even say that right freak flag fly but i'm struggling to make with making the first move what to do besides lay there and look pretty a bit of a long question but thank you and illy oh if you ever have questions that won't um fit into the question box you can always just DM me your full question um baby i'm happy to read the whole fucking paragraph on patreon you guys you can submit like upwards of like eight paragraphs like we get detailed we follow up week after week

I love the Patreon. If you ever want a tighter community to go into detail a little bit more, it's fabulous. You can really, really submit long questions there, Patreon.com slash smokesess shoddy. But also, like, if you want it for the main episode or like you're like, I'm scrimping and save in this month. I can't afford Patreon. I don't blame you. That's okay. DM me.

You know what I mean? I will always be happy to either answer there or read them on the main episode. Okay, here's the thing. I've I've fallen out of my like seductive nature and I'm trying to tap deeper into it. Cat milk glasses on little sexy little slutty librarian glasses on like I'm trying to dive back into that and a lot of seduction just has to do with feeling yourself. I was shocked and surprised at the actions that I would make and the things that would come out of my mouth to people, partners, whatever, that I find attractive, friends even, bitch, fuck it. When I am feeling myself, okay? Obviously, you're definitely feeling yourself.

You're in a first relationship. Ooh, fun, sexy, hot, let's go. You know, you feel it comfortable enough that you can let your freak flag fly. But yeah, maybe previously when things were new, when you're still learning, still figuring it out, maybe a little more insecure and not in like a negative way, but just like a, you know, whenever anything is new, you're going to think about it a little bit more than if it just came second nature. So I don't blame you for that. But I love where you are.

And this is so exciting because now you get to explore. this other side of yourself, which is like the seductress. Okay. And everybody has their own weird way of seducing somebody or seducing their partner. I saw this weekend maybe one of the sexiest freakest things I have seen in a long time. I was at the bar with my mouth agape genuinely. And it kind of got this spark going in me again that was like, I just love a little. flirt i love a flirt i love a seduction and you can do that with your partner and you should do that

with your partner so i was at my local dive bar per usual hello weekendings and i've really been on a dive bar kick but like me and my girly have just been loving going out with each other and debriefing and smoking a cigarette and chugging a vodka soda and then getting the fuck out of there like a good hour at the dive bar post work is like uh uh i'm ascending this is beautiful um this is girlhood for sure. But she was like, she's like blacked out drunk at the dive bar or sitting at the bar. Her phone had been dead for hours. She's trying to place a to go order, a delivery order on my phone to get delivered to her house because baby, my girl's got to eat. One thing about me, like, my girl's got to eat. I don't care if I'm paying for it. I don't care if it's off my phone.

Please, for love of God, just order whatever you need to get you through the night. Um, so she's like hunched over like, trying. to type in her phone number and I'm just people watching love a good dive bar love a good people watching moment I also love a dive bar if you're like a middle 20 something who is over like the clubs or the popular nightlife areas Westport is very much so like that in my opinion in the Kansas city area if you know you know it's like yeah when I was 19 that was so fucking fun but now that I'm 27 it's like let me go to the 27 year old dive bar please for the love of God where people are going to leave me the fuck alone i'm begging no one's being a

nuisance everybody's like a little weird and wild in their own special way love it so i sent the more people watching and i spotted this guy come to talk to the bartender and obviously they know each other like i was familiar with that this guy you guys jaw on the floor reached in his cup pulled out a handful of ice chips she must have been like i'm just so hot right now like it's so hot in here reached in his cup pulled out a handful of ice chips she ate them out of his hand and then pulled open her shirt and spit them into her bra you guys yeah mouth on the fucking floor of that dive but i was looking around like did anybody else see that or was that a special little viewing for me and like my nipples are getting hard thank you about it like thank you god like

that was so fun to see did it make me like really turned on or want to sleep with either of them no but it was like a oh yes the art of seduction the art of flirting the art of like finding that special someone and getting little weird with it one time i seduced my boyfriend so hard he left all the windows down in his car an accident because he was scrambling to get the fuck up out of and get into my apartment that he got robbed. Like that's how hard your seduction has to go. And the thing is, it has kind of nothing to do with your partner and everything to do with you feeling yourself.

Okay. You feeling yourself and going, let me take a risk. Let me say this. Let me try a new move. Let me, you know, do something sporadic or wild. But it has to be on your terms. That's what makes it hot. That's what makes it sexy.

that's what makes it seduction. I think a lot of sex when it comes to, especially women and how we view it. Or also men, you know what, let's not go ahead and, you know, frame that to everybody

because there's no sexual as, like, education in this goddamn country. So we have to learn from like the worst places ever online that is just like force feeding us the craziest things you've ever fucking seen. Like you don't see the behind the scenes of consent and going over boundaries and agreements,

legal, goddamn agreements, getting tested. You don't see that. You just see whatever the fuck's going on in front of you. But also, it's the, it's the idea of like perception and performance. I think a lot of people when it comes to sex and they're like porn-rotted brain is, oh, but I have to perform, but I have to do this thing that they might like or what do I look like from a third-party perspective. And that is real unsexy. Like I don't blame me for being in that place, being like having gone through that and like, you know, being a little porn-rotted. I don't, I don't blame you for that.

okay, like I said, lack of sexual education is the real issue here. But if you can break that in your brain and really put yourself into your body and, you know, act on your whim, on what makes you feel good on like what you find sexy, what you find seductive, then I think not only is it hotter, but it's more natural. It's more in tune. And in turn, you're going to want to do it more. Period. Okay. And listen, if you're like a pretty pillow princess, I don't blame you. We need them in the world too. Me and you both girl. But sometimes, you know, you can just go whisper something in their ear really seductively. Sometimes, you know, you can kind of feel them up a little bit. If they're your partner, you know, this is like you're in a safe space. Okay, don't do this to a stranger. Or do. You know, make sure everybody in the vicinity is comfortable. But like, you know, play around with it. Get freaky with it. If you want to start letting your freak flag fly, you got to start taking risks.

You got to start going, hmm, do I like this? Do I want to try this? What would I find sexy in this moment and acting accordingly? And I believe you. I know you have that in you, but there is something so like animalistic about it that I can't give you a bullet point list of eight different things to do. I need you to dive deep and ask yourself, what would my inner freak want or do in this moment? And allow yourself to do so. Like I said, eating the ice chips out of his hand, pulling open her shirt,

spitting them into her bra. I was like, she's the only person that could ever think of that in this situation. And truly, I am like flabbergasted in the moment. It was like watching a movie. It was fabulous. So shout out to those two cuties. Thank you for that show.

it really did get me more excited and curious and wanting to dive back into the artist seduction favorite parts about traveling how do you make it more enjoyable okay so even if i'm going 30 minutes down the goddamn road you would be surprised at least in america how different things change in 30 minutes like i live in the city i drive 30 minutes to an hour to get to my horseback riding lessons and baby that is the country country this is as city as it gets out here. That is the country. No matter where I'm going, traveling, passing through an airport, going to a place I don't want to go, family reunion. No hate to them, but like, let's, okay, like let's just do it. Job interview. Japan. Um, a grocery store. I don't care where I am

traveling to physically. If it's outside of my house, I do kind of cosplay a little bit. It makes me feel like I am one with wherever I am and it makes me have more fun. I don't feel like an imposter so much. So truly and honestly, like when I go work with the horses, baby, I am cosplaying my little heart out. I got my wrangler denim on. I got my beat up ass boots. No makeup.

Hat on hair barely brush. Like that is, I have to become one with the place I'm in. Now, Japan was a little different. but it was like okay you know what the clothes I brought not the vibe here I don't feel like I fit in that's okay let me adjust to where I am let me go shopping with a girly shop it got to the point where I was dressed up I had my headphones in I was giving just antisocial enough that like one person at a cash register started speaking to me in Japanese asking me something like as if I knew Japanese and I was like no I'm so sorry girl like I hate to disappoint you in this moment but I'm not

And that's when I was having the most fun and enjoying the, like, the best time in Japan was when I was just headphones in, world out, antisocial, all black on head to toe, a little conservative, and then just shopping and following the girlies around and shopping. Fabulous time. But to enjoy traveling, and I keep this in mind with every place I go, like, I'm thinking about going to New Orleans. I'm thinking about going back to L.A. for a little bit. I'm thinking about Europe. Maybe I want a Europe summer manifesting Europe summer for me. Please, for love of God, I need to get lost in Rome in a flowy skirt. And look at some marble sculptures.

Begging. Absolutely begging. When I do that, I am going to cosplay a little bit. I'm going to pretend I'm from there. I'm going to pretend this is just another day for me. I'm going to dress accordingly, act accordingly. I'm not going to be like some annoying. ass like out of towner I'm going to try and experience you know the situation or the environment

or the place or the travel as authentically as possible and I think that means you kind of have to mesh with where you are a little bit of course don't lose yourself you know you don't have to like pretend you don't have to like make make up a fake name I mean you could that might be really fun I don't know but like I just think it makes the experience more enjoyable maybe there's something really wrong with my brain for me to be thinking this, but it just makes me feel more comfortable. It makes my nervous system calm down. I don't, since I'm not placing that idea of like I'm an outsider in my head, I don't feel like one. I feel more comfortable moving around in the space, owning the space, taking up the space. So if you have a hard time traveling or you have a hard time

leaving your house or you have a hard time going to new places or trying new things or putting yourself in new environments, dare I, you know, raise up the idea of just like cosplaying as if you're from there. I think it does make the experience so much better, so much easier, so much more enjoyable. Truly, truly. And the thing is, like, if I go out in the city in my, crazy enough, like, if I go out in the city in the same outfit I will wear to go horseback riding, people are going to look at me like I'm an outsider. It's so strange, like how, you know, even not too much further away from you can be so vastly different. There's also some beauty in it.

But yeah, I think just like allow yourself to enmesh in wherever you're going, whether it's abroad, wherever you're going. I think it does make for a much, much, much more enjoyable experience. And also it just naturally like, whew, anxiety reducer. And this is also why I'm kind of against, this is so. a side tangent but like let's get into it this is why i'm kind of against like aesthetics although i love when a bitch does an aesthetic right and it's like green lady and it's like she is only sticking to green like i love when a girl can get on theme like that's killer that's amazing i love it or like a really

bad emo bitch where it's like yes thank god you have taxidermy all around me and like your friendly spider who lives in the corner who catches the flies in your house i'm fucking with your energy hard but overall I'm kind of against personally um and aesthetic because I think it doesn't allow you to explore alternatives of yourself and there's so many different alternatives of yourself there's so many different versions of yourself there's so many different like avenues and things to explore within you and I think it's hindering when you go no I can only wear all black I shouldn't wear pink or the alternative. No, I should only wear all pink. I can't wear black. Or no, I've never dressed in that style before. So I'm never going to. Or no, I'm not going to do this because

X, Y, Z. It's like, what if you did? What if you took a risk? What if you did? What if you tried it? Now, like I said, if you're trying to stick to a theme, you're trying to commit, I get that. Absolutely. Love a theme. But also, I think it's okay to allow yourself to like, you know, not be emo diva for a day and allow yourself to wear a athletic set. You know, take a little break. hey, it's not going to be an earth-shattering crisis. Same thing for me. It's like the opposite. Actually, like, baby, let's take off the athletic set and let's try a new outfit.

Let yourself explore. Let yourself try new styles. It's so fun. It's so exciting. And that's a big part about also, like, kind of fitting in. If you fit in with yourself, with your heart with what you want to, like, experience as, you'll fit in everywhere else you go. Navigating what feels like permanent 10-pound weight gain in mid-20s.

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, that's a thing. Yeah. I mean, it totally makes sense. It's just like, and this is so freaky. As I get older and as I'm gaining weight, duh, hello, hello, duh. I'm not going to have a teenager's body anymore. And I think it's weird and freaked up and fucked up that the idea of like a teenager's body anymore. And I think it's weird and freaked up and fucked up that the idea of like a teenager's body. body is the beauty standard. That's a little scary and weird for me. So to go against that, it's like, yeah, of course I gained 10 pounds in my mid 20s. Duh, hello, I'm a woman. I'm a woman. And how dare I be a woman? The fuck? Like, yes, I'm going to have a womanly figure. I'm going to some weight. You're going through your second puberty. Your boobs are going to get bigger. Your hips are going to change. Things are going to change. Things are going to shift. And that usually always comes the weight gain. The same reason why, you know, when you went through your first period as well,

when you entered teenage dumb, you also had a weight gain. Now you're becoming a real woman. That was always weird to me too. Talk about public education. They, oh my God. And it's like, it pisses me off thinking about it. You know when they like separate you guys? This is what, this is what my public education did. It was like the girls and the guys. And our first like sex ed class was and maybe fifth grade, I want to say. But they separated us. And the men had a conversation. I have no idea what the men learned.

They definitely did not fucking tell us. And then we had one conversation with the women, with the females, with the, actually with the children. We were not women. The real problem was at the end of the conversation, they were like, and some of you guys are going to be starting your period soon. So congratulations on becoming a woman. We are 11.

We are children. To make matters worse, they gave every single girl in my class a rose, a rose. And we're like, congratulations on becoming a woman on womanhood. We went out to the playground afterwards because we're 11 playground. Hello. The men were all holding footballs. The fuck, they gave all the guys footballs and we're like, congratulations on becoming a man. And all the women, I keep saying women.

We were not women. We were children. all the children, all the girls, roses. Ah! What the fuck? Who approved that conversation? Who approved that conversation? Anyways, I digress.

It is so scary. The fact that it's like, oh no, like, you know, how I look at 16 is how I should look for the rest of my life. No, baby. And don't be jump scared. You know, let's accept womanhood. Let's accept, you know, becoming a woman. Our body's changing.

makes the process much easier, but also if you're like, oh, fuck, this was a bit of a jump scare, wasn't really prepared for it. The only way to combat this or to kind of face it head on. And this goes for men and women is to, and this seems like a crazy, I'm not, okay, to start working out. And not to lose the way, not to shape your body, not to whatever, it is just the fact of like through movement, through physically putting yourself in your body through movement, whether it's, and when I mean workout, I mean dance.

Shit, horseback riding is working out. Jiu-jitsu, archery, weightlifting, I don't care what the movement is yoga, whatever it is. The only way to combat when you are feeling uncomfortable in your body is to face it head on and put yourself in your body more so you become used to it. Sorry, I'm a little stoned. That train of thought was a hot mess, but like, follow me here. Please follow me here. For a long time, I have been at war with my body, especially in my 20s, when, like I said,

I came out of my teens, a very stick skinny individual. I'm not even fucking kidding. My dad, like ran marathons, like super, super incredible. athletic individual stick skinny i had his body when i was younger then second puberty mid 20s like 22 23 i want to say for me personally um congratulations you've graduated now i have my my mom's body which beautiful lovely curvaceous baddy baddie is fuck okay thank god but when you're so used to having a certain body shape and it changes it is a bit of like whoa what's going on here what's and it does change fairly fast the grand scheme of things.

And of course that could be, you know, confusing or off-putting or like make you feel not one with yourself. And if you try and close that gap through self-hate, through wanting to go back, wanting to be this certain way, you know, not liking yourself, any sort of self-hatred, talking down on yourself, restricting, overworking out, over-movement, placing too much emphasis on your body, whatever it is. That is going to push the gap of your comfortability with yourself way further. It's going to make things much, much, much, much worse. But if you tackle it head on and go, you know what, we're just going to go with body neutrality and acceptance. And you allow yourself to

simply be in your body and whatever that experience is through movement, through stretching, through yoga, through walking through bodybuilding through weightlifting through shit, ultramarathons. I don't give a fuck. Whatever makes sense to you. It is fun for you and you enjoy and puts you in your body in the sense of joy. You have to start doing that. Okay.

Not to mention like we got to really make sure we're taking care of physically. So then we are in our best, you know, best places in our 50s and 60s. Unfortunately, once you hit your 20s, you do start thinking about your 50s and 60s, it's a bit scary. It's a bit spooky, but you're like, I want to set myself up for success. And seeing my parents and how healthy they are, like, all of their friends are 45. They're like 60, but it's like the 60 year olds can't keep up with us, babe. And it's because they took care of their bodies when they were younger, whether it was like,

I mean, my dad was a bit of a freak, but he had to do it for his own mental health. He had to work out every single day, whether it's a long. long distance run or going to the gym. He has to work out every single day or like it's going to be a mess. Like his ADHD is going to be out of control. My mom doesn't need all that. She's like, you know, I'm going to go to yoga maybe twice a week. If that, if I can do it with all of my meetings.

And both of those combined, whatever it is, like whatever makes sense to you and what amount of movement makes sense to you, it makes you feel good. As long as you are doing that, it is going to exponentially make your relationship with your body so much better. So much better. You guys, horseback riding, I'm like, bitch, I'm strong. Like, I'm strong. It's impressive. Core strength out of control. Leg strength, out of control. Arm strength at this point in time, the way she whips me around, out of control. It's made me so more, like so much more excited to be alive, to be able to use my body, to be able to be in my body. And I'm also not thinking about it so much so in an aesthetic sense, because

I am training my brain to think outside of the aesthetic sense and also think in more so like a the same way you would use a tool. You know what I mean? And everybody's going to have different mobility. Everybody's going to have different, you know, access to their body or ways they are allowed to move their body. Like I'm not built to run ultramarathons and that's okay. I'm going to do what I can.

Whatever is your best or whatever you can do is valid and real and awesome and amazing. but I do think doing absolutely nothing with your body and just locking yourself in this prison of I hate myself, I hate myself, this is uncomfortable, I don't know who I am, I'm changing, I'm, whatever it is, you're going to suffer. Please, you've got to pick up a hobby that involves some sort of movement. Whether it's a daily walk, once a week walk, shit, I don't give a fuck. Like, whatever it is that brings you joy, I started looking into archery classes, you guys. I don't know what is switched in my brain.

but I'm like, fuck it. Maybe I'm taking some archery classes. I don't know. It seems like a bad bitch fucking thing to do. Randomly, who knows if it's something I'm going to be into? But like, why would I not go just take a class and see what's up? It's going to make me excited to use my body, doing something new with my body, trying something new with my body.

It's going to be more confident in my body. You kind of have to allow those wild thought processes to go through in order to put you in new environments, new situations and new and exciting experiences. But yeah, if you're having that jump scare with your. 10 pound weight gain, which is very normal, very normal. It's going to happen to everybody. Hate to break the news to you, but also like, congratulations on being a woman. Here's your rose. Instead of allowing yourself to be terrified and scared, how about we start allowing our bodies

to just be bodies and accepting them for what they are, period point blank. And I do think there's a lot to learn through movement, unfortunately. I hate to be that bitch sometimes where it's like, you know when you sit down and with a therapist and you're like, I'm massively depressed and I hate everything about myself and I'm going to take myself off this planet and they're like, have you tried yoga? And it's like, bitch, I'm going to strangle you. I hate that sometimes that is the vice I'm giving, but also like there's so much, damn, they're right. There's so much truth in it. There's so much truth in it. Once again, your feelings are valid. Whatever you can do, you can do. Props to you for even doing the bare minimum,

but also like there is power in movement. Tips, tricks, get over my fear of driving. I'm almost 23 and I cannot go on like this. Ily. Well, baby, I don't even blame you because driving would be fucking scary. Not me like, not me freaking you out more. No, but you're so real. And especially these Kansas City drivers. I read a statistic like last year that Kansas City was like number two or three in the worst drivers in America. And by worst, I mean people are either going 45 on the highway because their car's about to break down or they're going 150 miles an hour. And if you are not moving out of their way, they are two goddamn inches away from you. It's intimidating. It's scary. I don't blame you, girl. I actually was so against driving.

I'm like, let me tell you eight horror stories and then tell you why there's hope. Like, girl. Okay, so I'm with you. I also had a hard time getting into driving. Number one, because my dad taught me how to drive stick shift. You know what? Lost our, thank God he did. But he was like, if you were going to learn how to drive, you're going to learn how to drive normally.

Duh, hello. But your first car ever, if you're getting a car, is going to be stick. So when I did get a car, shout out to them, my cheap ass little like $800 Mazda. She was everything to me. She was stick shift. And that made me adverse to driving because baby. be I would drop that clutch. My car would die. I'd be in the middle of the street and it's like,

now I'm having a panic attack and I'm stopping and crying. So if you have an automatic, that makes things much, much, much easier, I promise you that. Number two, if you're learning how to drive, like, just keep it to the back roads, keep it to simple side streets, save the highway for another day, you know. And if you are getting on the highway, stay in the slow lane. Don't stress yourself out. Don't let anybody else stress yourself stress you out either because they will try to just get one place in another as safe as you possibly can and that's all you can really do. You know, use your mirrors. Pay attention. I, when I first started driving, probably didn't drive with music for like a full year because I was like, I need to lock in. I need to lock in. I need to pay attention to where I'm going. Because before I got my license at like 19, um, mama, I had been in like four. car accidents already. Yeah. One of which I've told you guys about if you live in like a woodsy area, you probably know of this, but we were driving it through the Ozarks. And of course you're on the highway. Look at that deer. Bam, immediately through the windshield

in my lap. Cut up a mess. That really put me off from driving for a while. But eventually, you guys, I have become the best driver in the world. I'm not even going to lie. And you know what? let me just knock on wood real quick. I have become a fabulous driver so much so that my boss, he is like this eccentric Persian man. He's like, I don't let people drive me around, but I'd let Hannah drive me anywhere. I trust her with my life. He's like, I, one day we were going out and he's like, I watched you cuss this girl out under your breath and then parallel park in front of her.

And I knew that everything would be okay. And the thing is, if you're going to start driving, get a beater car. You're probably going to, you know, accidentally bump into some things and hit some curbs. Like, don't drive a brand new car. Drive a car that you don't mind getting a little smashed and fucked up here and there. Make sure it's safe. Make sure you feel comfortable driving it. And then you've got to hit those streets, babe.

You got to hit those streets. You got to get some time under your belt. The more time you spend driving around, the more comfortable you will feel. doing so and that's just that's just how it is i was so adverse to driving though and getting my license that my parents put me because they were like bitch you got to learn one way or another they put me in a driving school which i think really helped me and made me feel more comfortable and safe because it wasn't me and my mom screaming at each other in the front in the front seats it was or my dad giving me like the opposite advice it was me an instructor neutral person you know very calm

environment giving me tips and tricks as we go they have like the fail safe breaks if you are having a hard time learning maybe shall i suggest a driving school also driving schools are fabulous because once you do like your three driving you know classes with them plus a sit down test they give you your license at the end of it you don't have to go to the DMV to get your license they just give it to you isn't that wild i don't know if that's legal apparently it is but maybe they just hand it to you so i didn't have to also then go through the stress of going to the DMV and getting my license there. Fabulous, highly recommend, especially for a insanely anxious driver like I was. Because I would even just be riding in the car with people and I would get panic attacks.

It was bad. My parents were like, girl, get over it. My therapist was like, she has PTSD. They were like, oh, girl get over. It's not that serious. My therapist is like, no, baby. She was in a traumatic car accident. They're like, oh, yeah.

And that wasn't my first one. You probably won't get in any car accidents. I think I just had this weird curse placed on me that has now, thankfully, been lifted with cars. And, you know, as long as you stay safe, you mind your own business. You also always at the red light count to three, one, two, three, as soon as it turns green and then go, you are good. You'll be good.

I promise you that. But yeah, the driving school is a fabulous hack. that was like a real life hack I got to experience it was fat it was so good I was like oh my god my parents aren't yelling at me I get my time in I take a simple driving class take a test easy to pass so easy to pass and bam I had my license a week later how to stop overeating eating because I'm bored and stress eating I don't know mama do you have the answer for me because I need the tips and For me personally, yeah, my number one cope in this life is not weed, is not alcohol, it's not sex, it's not drugs, it's food. I love food.

That's why I make so many recipe videos because, like, I'm hungry and I'm going to film this and I hope you get hungry too. I think there's so much beauty in food. I love sharing food with people. I love eccentric food. I love new flavors. I love complicated flavors. I love food. but that also means if I'm heartbroken, if I'm going through a hard day, if I'm like,

whatever it is, any sort of ailment, I usually always treat it with food. And that can become a problem if you're, you know, binging every single day. So there's like small little things I do to make sure that I am like in control. Number one is like, I don't have a snack household. I wasn't raised in a snack household. I don't have a snack household because if I have a bag of potato chips in my, in my pantry, I'm eating all of them. I'm eating that family size potato trip at 3 a.m.

when I wake up in the middle of night. And then I'm waking up the next morning with orange dust on my face and crumbs next to me as if I had just committed a crime. Like feet crinkling because they're in the bag. It's a problem. So I know I have no self-control. Okay, no self-control. So let's work within our control, and I do not buy snacks.

If I do have snacks on hand, it's very simple. I have fresh fruit. I have, you know, I can do a peanut butter and jelly action. I can do a sandwich. I can do maybe even some like ramen if I really want to get crazy. But outside of that, I don't keep any snacky snack snacks on me. No ice cream in the fridge. I know boring boo, L.

lame. But like I said, I have no self-control. And I'm not going to pretend I do have self-control. So the way I kind of enact some fun into my life, so I'm not eating chicken breast and broccoli for every goddamn meal, is I do have really amazing dinners. I make sure every single night I have a fabulous dinner. I think it satiates whatever, you know, food demon is inside of me.

That is just like craving a massive amount of food. I make sure I have a big dinner of something. that I really enjoy. Whatever it is. Maybe that means I have a lighter lunch, or I don't take lunch so seriously. I still eat throughout the day, duh, but I don't need like a massive grand lunch. It's like, no, I'm holding out for dinner. I'm going to have a fabulous dinner.

And I usually always make it at home because whatever you're craving, you can always make it home. I literally, I highly recommend if you are a young person and you are craving something, use that as an excuse to try and make it at home. That's how I learned how to cook. you're like who sent you to culinary school baby myself my brother was 10 years older than me my parents just forgot about me they were at work until 9 p.m. every day baby i was cooking family dinner i was like i hope they make it home by 9 p.m. to maybe make some chicken breast on the grill like i if i wanted something

my parents were taking me out to eat fuck no they weren't they were spending money to go out to eat they were like make it yourself figure out how to make it yourself if you want to go vegan you know tell us what we need to add to the grocery list, but we're not making it for you. And so I'd be like, ooh, I'm craving fried pickles. Let me learn how to make fried pickles. I'm craving crapes. Let me look up a recipe to make crapes. I'm, I want to make a carrot cake. Have I ever made a carrot cake? No, but I can find a YouTube video and I can tell my mom I need carrots from the store. Let me learn her to make a carrot cake. That's how I learn how to cook. Okay. There is no like easy way in. you just got to fuck around and find out in that goddamn kitchen.

And I highly recommend making things that you're craving. It'll make you want to do it more. And now I feel like I can make anything. I was looking up this recipe. It looks fab. And I truly cannot wait to make it this winter. I feel like it's a fabulous winter recipe. But it's Boncun, which is like a crab pork and crab udon soup,

Vietnamese pork and crab udon soup. Oh my God, it looks so good. But I'm such in a wonderful blessed place that it's like if I wanted to figure out how to make that, I could, but that comes from experience. But yeah, one big dinner. Cook it myself. I don't care what it is. Tonight I'm making in and out flying Dutchman burgers. Cannot wait to shove eight of those little thin ass slutty patties down my gollet. It's going to be fabulous. But also it's like I'm making it at home. Okay, I can have a big dinner and I'm going to make it at home. If I do go out, I go to the store and I pick it up. I do not have doordash on my phone. That is a slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery slope. If I want to eat out, I go, I drive to the store, I pick it up, or I eat in the store.

Fabulous. But I will never, ever, ever do, like, late night door dashing situations anymore. I really only enact those two rules on myself. No snacks at home, or, like, not keeping, like, unnecessary snacks at home. And also, no door dashing. Those are the only limitations I put on my diet. That is enough. That is enough to eat. ease the beast inside of me that just is like so food motivated i'm a food motivated creature definitely me waking up deciding to make banana bread but like banana bread i made at home love yummy so yummy i think the big dinners really help it and also just learning how to cook it makes you have a new appreciation of food because like i said food is beautiful it's meant to be enjoyed and you should

enjoy it but i also understand the complications of overindulgence of everything i've been in such a lazy funk recently. Tips on how to get out of a funk. Depends on your personality, but for me, that's a big reason why I did the get glam with me video. I'd like revamp my glam. I went to Sephora. I got lost in a Sephora for a little bit and just like, was like, okay, let me really learn how to beat my face or let me adjust some things that weren't working or making me break out. And yeah, I like, I've been getting glam almost every single day. Even if I'm in a cat, milf and cool, culots, what do they called the cutoff pants um outfit i'm like feeling good i'm feeling hot and feeling sexy i got my glam on i'm i'm you know we're good we're good um sometimes even just like forcing myself to get up and get

ready for the day it's like no we're not going to put on your PJs from last night we're going to get up we're going to put on a good outfit even if i'm sitting around the house it's just it makes me feel more put together more in charge more in control a good glam does that a cute hairstyle a good outfit. Also, when I'm in a funk, sometimes I'm in a funk because I'm into my weird environment. So purging your environment is always nice, making room for new things, getting rid of old things, things you don't need things, you don't want, things that are just like collecting weird energy, like purging those out of your life.

Fabulous. If you feel like it's an internal funk, not an external funk, journaling, highly recommend some journaling, diving deep. know getting a little funky with it in order to release it a little bit fabulous way to do so and last but not least getting out of the house maybe go in the park get some fresh air on your skin getting some sunlight on your skin go having a new experience you're not living in this time loop of just like work home work home work home that will also help you get out of funk as well i was struggling with my mental health for a majority of my life i try really hard to get better and i've grown so much but i still

feel terrible and nothing makes me feel better anymore please help a girl out i'm ready to give up p s i'm already in therapy try my best to keep a good diet and work out and have lots of hobbies i don't have a good relationship with my family or good friends and in the last few months my whole world has fallen apart oh no baddie down okay well love you love you love you love you the world isn't ending i promise you like a new day is tomorrow don't even stress it that's for fucking sure okay okay okay okay and it sucks when you're like, bitch, I'm doing everything on the checklist and I still don't feel good. That's when I had to get introduced to medications. And obviously, I don't know if you're on any or if this is an option or if you've talked to your doctors. But I do know for me personally,

medication really helped when I couldn't get to that baseline. Because the goal with medication is just to get you to the baseline. So then your maintenance, which maintenance is hobbies, whatever the fuck, that's what elevates it past maintenance. But medication for me, like whatever I was on Welbutrin or Lexapro for a little bit, I was on some antipsychotics for some time. You know, it gets me to that baseline so then my maintenance actually brings me up. So maybe if you can't get to that baseline, that could be an option for you. And I don't like to suggest anything to people, but I know that is what helped me kind of like get a little bit of a grasp when I was really struggling. once again talk to professionals find a good doctor that you love and trust period um now pass that

when i'm evaluating you know me and my therapist glasses it's like okay you have your hobbies you have your work you have a schedule you have a routine you have a diet but do you like it like you know like it or are you just doing it because i think just doing things sometimes makes life really mundane and really not fun and really not enjoyable. You know, obviously your hobbies, I'm assuming you like them, but also is it like something you've been doing for 10 years and it's like, yeah, I like this, but it's not new, it's not exciting, it's not invigorating. Maybe we try something that's new, exciting, and invigorating.

Maybe it's like, yeah, I'm working out because I need to work out. But also it's like, have you tried maybe switching it up every Tuesday with like a fun jujitsu class or something? Like changing up the routine a little bit. you know, getting out of your comfort zone a little bit, maybe taking it slow one day, going to yoga, going to a meditation class, going to a sauna instead. You know, you're on a diet, but also like, are you miserable? Are you allowing yourself to like eat in and out every once in a while? These are kind of the questions that I then ask because it's like, you know, we can be in routine

and we can't get like down with the routine and it can't be good for us. But if we don't like it, then you're going to struggle no matter what, you know. And that has nothing to do with not liking yourself. It's more so about just like, you know, not being invigorated by life. And that's okay. Life gets mundane sometimes you can very easily invigorate it by taking a pottery in class, getting out of your comfort zone a little bit, trying something new, whatever it is, whatever works for you, highly recommend doing just to bring a little bit of newness and light

to your life that I feel like you're kind of desperately craving. Because the matter of fact is when you're like massively depressed deep, deep, deep, deep darkness, I'm talking like bottom of the ocean level darkness and your nervous system shot as if a giant squid has been chasing you. Like you're like feigning for any sort of light. So give it to yourself if you can and make sure it's healthy and positive obviously. But you know and maybe this is just one of the pits of life. You know these happen. These things happen.

We go through these ups and downs, ups and down through lights. You said your whole world has fallen apart recently. Maybe you're just in a down period. And that's okay. Even the most stable, normal, average individuals, people you would never think suffer, go through periods of lows that get very, very dark. It is unfortunately part of just like the human condition. But you have to keep that understanding, that fundamental understanding that there is a peak

coming soon. You're in a pit, but there's a peak coming soon. There is a peak on the other side of this. We can get there. We will get there. with time, with understanding, with appreciation of self, with newness, with excitement, with invigorating light we can get there. But for now, maybe you've got to ride it out and do the best you can. And sometimes that's all you can really do. I love you so much, though.

Thoughts on pathological lie. Oh, mama. Okay, I used to be a pathological liar. And that was a very confusing time for myself. Because it's like, baby, what are we doing this for? And the matter of fact is, It's just like, I just didn't like myself. I didn't like myself. I didn't know who I was. And so, like, my first therapist, oh my God, the weed has opened so many memory cabinets in my memory files in my mind. I'm so happy to share them with you. I'm sure I've shared them before, but maybe I can't remember.

It's been years, okay? I remember my first number therapist. And this is why it's good to kind of, like, date around with therapists. They usually offer, like, a first 15-minute session for free just to chat and see if you guys are going to be a good vibe. highly recommend utilizing those 15 minutes their fullest potential but mama I was in this therapy it's actually so much she should have had her license revoked I was in this therapy appointment and I'm like spelling my heart like spilling my heart everywhere like gashing it open spilling my heart in front of her like and then this and then that and I've never told anybody like this about this before

and then, you know, as you do in therapy, as you should do with a trusted therapist, hello, hello, hello. And it was the end of her session. And I remember as like mid-conversation, she's like, oh, that's time. That's time. I hope you have a fabulous rest of your day. I'm like, 15. And I stand up.

I'm like, okay, thank you so much. That just felt really good to get off my chest. Maybe we can talk about it more next week. I glanced down at her notes. Baby, she had been drawing pictures. She had been doodling circles. and drawing pictures as I spilled my heart on the floor in front of her. And then I just started pathologically lying to her.

Every single session, I was like, man, fuck this. I didn't know. I was 15. I didn't know as an option. I could find a new therapist and be like, fuck this bitch. Let me go find someone new. Didn't know that was an option. That's okay.

So my only resort at that point in time was pathological lying. Pathological lying. This is a condition of A, your parents probably didn't give you enough attention so in any sort of desire and grasp for attention anywhere you can get it you just start lying either to fit in to get attention to feel wanted to feel desired and also you don't like yourself you're insecure you have nothing interesting about you and so you lie about it that is the condition of pathological line it isn't it's because of insecurity or the and rarely usually sometimes because they don't give a fuck about you.

And that was me with my therapist. I remember. And it was so weird because pathological lying, it's like, why did I say that? Like, mama, there was no need, like at all. Once again, I was just fucking around with her. And I remember, I was like, oh, yeah. Like one meeting before I was like, yeah, I kind of want to go to London for this event that was going on. I don't even know what it was.

Maybe it was like a art or piano competition, something like that. She was like, you should go, blah, blah, blah, blah. next meeting, I was like, yeah, we're leaving for London after this. Baby, we were going home. I was going home to eat a bowl of ramen and sit on my iPad for eight hours. I was not going to London. That's for goddamn sure. She's like, oh, really?

Well, this is a perfect time to bring your mom in to have our one-on-one parent talk. And I was like, fuck, I've been caught. But also, yeah, a lot of the times when I was young, my pathological line, definitely came from my insecurity, my need to fit in, my lack of confidence, my desire for attention. And that was something I naturally outgrew. I think it's something most people naturally outgrow. Like if anybody lied to me in some weird, crazy way in elementary middle school or high school, like baby, you got the past.

But any time after that, it's weird. It's weird. And one thing about growing up is we are responsible for our growth, period, no matter what you've been through in childhood, what conditions you were set up with, like, how good or bad your life was. In adulthood, it is only up to you to keep growing to become an adult. And so it is weird when I'm 27 and I made a pathological liar. And I'm not like, you out, you didn't outgrow that. Or somebody who's like stuck in high school in the high school drama of it all, even though we're adults or has like high school tendencies even though we're adult it's weird it is weird so if you are

you know a mid 20 something and you run into somebody that you're like why are they doing that that is odd that they haven't outgrown that yeah mama it's okay maybe you just need to leave that person alone and focus on people who are growing and changing accordingly to be around normal 20 somethings people who are also wanting to grow and become and not be stuck in immature places. You don't want that in your life, okay? But yeah, I think when you're younger, pathological lying kind of makes sense. And it wasn't really pathological, it was just like lying in general. I get it.

I understand it. But it is something that needs to be outgrown in adulthood. And if you are with a partner, a person, a place, a thing that is pathologically lying to you, you got to run for the hills. I'm begging you. Like I said, our growth is up to us. And some people can't face that challenge. Some people can.

But obviously, you have. And so you deserve to be around people who also have. The world feels like it's literally crumbling. How to get past the existential dread? Maybe there's no choice. I've gone to a place where it's like, there is no choice. There's no time machine forwards or backwards. There is no knowing.

There is no nothing other than like we must persevere. We must push forward and do the best we can. Okay. of course with good things people want to put roadblocks in front of it evil people will always be here horrible awful people people without the same you know appreciation and understanding for life greedy people they will always be here unfortunately so so we must continue on against all odds like you cannot let them freak out your nervous system so bad through the horrible awful things they're doing on purpose to the point where you cannot act accordingly we must

keep our wits about us. We must keep the goal ahead of us. And if roadblocks come up, cool. We'll figure it out. We'll work around it. If an evil, awful monster gets elected for the second time in a row. Ah, no, my God. You know, all right. Like, let me not succumb to this evilness and let me stand up, let me fight, let me adjust accordingly. Like, you can't let the existential dread kill you. You got to put it somewhere as a motivator. All right. With any sort of negative emotion, you and always flip it into a positive one through action, through like utilizing that emotion accordingly. But when you sit here on your goddamn fucking phone

or staring at a wall, whatever you're doing, staring at a screen, and you are just like letting that thought consume your body and soul and you're doing nothing with it, that's the problem. And that's when the existential dread comes in. Like it's okay to be nervous about the environment

and go, hmm, maybe I'll start, reaching out to local small like gardens and start working to plant stuff and then, you know, um, donate it to local food shelters or maybe I take a, um, I don't know, some sort of like herbology class and I learn about local native plants and I get into that and learn how to kind of utilize what the earth is given us or maybe I volunteer my time at protests or I show up to events that are important.

I learn. I gain knowledge. I show up for community. I'm there. I'm utilizing that kind of worrisome nature that I think we all have in a positive manner. That's how you fight the existential dread. Not by sitting with it and letting it consume you, but by putting it into something useful. All right.

And there's so many options. There's so many opportunities around you. I got that way for a little bit about like the children. Maybe I'm really scared for the children. I'm really scared for the children. I'm really scared for the children. My niece and nephew, sweet little angel. not worried about them, but the rest of them, I'm nervous.

And I thought about, like, becoming a Boys and Girls Club mentor. I was like, you know what? I'm anxious about this. Maybe I should do something with that energy. That's how you combat that, like, existential dread, truly, honestly. Also, speaking of the children, you guys want some tea. People our age are not having fucking kids or buying houses. It's insane.

It's crazy. Like, we're truly and honestly not upset. not set up for success. So if you also are having the existential dread of like, oh my God, I'm not set up for success. Don't even stress it. We're all feeling this way. We are all in the same boat here. So find peace in that. My mom went to like a, so the school district I went to was a massive school district. Like upwards of seven or eight different high schools. Different high schools. in my one kind of like big town. I live on the edge of town,

but like in my one big town, seven or eight different high schools. Do you know how many elementary schools it is? That's a lot of elementary schools out of that. So they just had a meeting and they were like, no one's buying houses in this town anymore because they're so expensive. I mean, my parents first bought a house,

cheap as fuck. But now double, triple, quadruple the price. It's so expensive. Young people are not moving here and young people are not fucking and having kids to the point where they're about to shut down like 10 plus elementary schools and maybe a middle school and if it goes past that maybe a high school like i have only seen that town grow and

grow and grow and grow this is the first i've heard of it like starting to kind of dwindle out and that's as soon as my you know people in my grade people in my time frame have started becoming the new adults. Maybe we can afford a house. We can afford to have children. Why will we be doing that? And at least we have our wits about us and are like, we're not going to do that. It's a bad idea. But also it's like if you're stressed about that, don't worry. Maybe we are all in the same boat here. And all we can really do right now is our best. But yeah, do something with that energy. Don't let it eat you alive. Oh my God. I didn't realize how far we've gotten into this podcast so far. I don't know. I've just been on one. And I have so many more questions I want to get to. So we're going to do like rapid

fire goddamn round. Okay, where can I get cute and cheap laundry bras and underwear? Me personally, I'm in the era where I don't buy cheap lingerie anymore, but when I was, if I'm going to tell you where to buy cheap laundry, it's not on Amazon, you're going to get a yeast infection. Tell me how I know, but no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But go support your local sex shops. Go support your local sex shops before they go out of business. They'll never go out of business. but go support them okay go show up go shop their discounts go shop their deals um i used to go the sex store a lot i don't know why i was just in that bitch i was just in there exploring i would go like at least once a week to go explore when i was in like my early 20s maybe so much so that like i think the shop owner

like the girl who worked the front desk thought i was an only fan's girl so she just started giving me 20% off and i was like why are you doing that she's like oh you know if you are sex worker you get a discount i was like my lips are sealed you know i'm gonna take that 20% but go support your local sex store literally google sex store in my area go there go shopping it's also kind of nice to see it in person you can't try it on but to go see it in person fabulous now as a grown woman i love oh my god it is my favorite fucking thing to shop for a good set of lingerie and i went for my birth to my birthday and i went for my birthday to the agent provocateur store lives were changed first of all i walked in there i was like i want i want to i want to try on this bra and panty set i'm at 34 b she looked me she paused looked me up and down

she said you're a c follow me i was like oh how do you know it's my birthday like thank you thank you thank you thank you queen and she was right b i was smushed i was stuffed i was not feeling good See, I was like, damn, these bitches I've never set as good as this. I love Agent Provocator. I love Agent Provocator. I love the lingerie they have. It is beautiful. It is sexy.

It stands the test of time. I have multiple sets. And I usually always gift myself a set of lingerie for Valentine's Day. That's my little, like, present to myself. But they always do sales. Every month they do a big, like, 20, 30% sale across the website. this is not sponsored baby i wish it was but agent provocateur if you can go in person and go shopping oh my god it's the best experience ever if you are in the business to buy

price of your lingerie that will last a long time highly recommend shopping online shopping their discount shopping their deals and if you are in a pinch if you are in a budget go to your local sex store they have some great options something that will appease everybody it's always fun to go in person and support local. I'm 27 and don't want a house year anymore. validate me paying more rent to live alone. You know what? Baby, I don't fucking blame you. I don't. I don't. I really, really don't. Now, if you were early 20 something, 19, 20, 21, 22, even 23, maybe 24, maybe 25. I don't care. Any of those, if any of those ages, I highly recommend living with someone else because you need to save as much fucking money as possible. And when you were a young person,

the only way to save money is usually not in your savings account. It is by cutting costs. Also, safety, also having people to lean on. Also, community is important in your early 20s. Highly recommend living with roommates. It also will teach you how to be a good person, be a good roommate, and keep a house clean or to know what makes a house dirty. That's for sure.

Now, once you hit your mid-20s, you've a little more stability to you. You got a little more flexibility. You got a little more financial flexibility. bit more stable, a bit more particular, probably not so like, oh, fuck it, it's okay. If there's pizza crumbs all over the floor, the mice will get them. You're like, no, no mice, no mice, no mice. No pizza, no mice. And I don't blame you for that.

Yeah, I do think it is worth whatever it's going to cost living alone. Now, you don't have to go get that skyrise apartment if you can afford it. You can go take your happy little ass around town, look for for rent signs, you know, get something within your budget. I promise you there's something within your budget. But if you are looking to kind of like take a little extra time to find a place to live alone, it's maybe spend maybe one, 200 extra dollars to live alone to kind of put that foot forward.

I do highly recommend. I don't live alone right now, but every day, every day I'm like, the dream. The dream. Thoughts on my talking stage being friends with his ex. I'm a little suspicious, but I don't know if it's me. Well, what kind of friend? What kind of friend? What kind of friend?

No, me personally, I don't do friends with exes. I don't. I'm not friends with my exes. I don't want to be friends with my exes. I don't want my partner being friends with their exes. Unless it's like a high school ex, I don't give a fuck. If it's like, we dated in middle school, I don't care. I don't care.

We dated when we were 19. Don't care. You guys have been friends for long enough and held those boundaries together for at least five to ten years in a professional manner and a friendship manner. I can trust you. One year out? Three months out. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.

No, no. Like I said, three Xs ago, four Xs ago. I get it. That's fine. You know, you guys have boundaries. You're not having movie night one-on-one. you're not texting constantly. It's just a friend.

Absolutely. But recently, no, if it's very recent, I don't fuck with that. I don't. I take precaution where I can and that is one place I would take precaution. And at the very least,

sometimes your precaution can be, hey, like, just be fucking real with me. If you want to get back with your ex, like I don't care if this is just a friendship, cool, but like, I'm not really in the mood

to get fucked on right now. So if you're going to do that, can I just get a fair warning? Like sometimes it's okay to ask people that. I might catch them off guard. They might actually tell you the truth. But if there's any like weird slyness, shadiness, just like you've got to see it for what it is. I was in a relationship where, baby, I didn't know they were exes,

but I thought they were just friends. Where they were best friends, best friends, whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah. and we were once this rough patch we were doing long distance and he was supposed to come out and spend Halloween with me at my college and he was like well I think I'm going to go to her college and spend Halloween with her she she lives in a house with her friends and I could just crash on the couch I was like the fuck you think you're going to do because that is code word for you're going to cheat the fuck on me for sure on Halloween and I'm going to be pissed off so I should just broken up with him then and there.

We did not like each other. He wanted to fuck her so bad. And also, she was sucking his dick on the side. Definitely should have broken up with him. You gotta sometimes see the signs for what it is. But also, like, there is a nuance to everything. And I don't know your situation specifically. Like I said, three, four X is away.

Whatever. Recent. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. How to ask a man, though, what are we question? Post sex, look him in the eyes and go. I was going to make a job. but let's take this seriously but genuinely post sex look him in the eyes and i think post sex because

like intimate moment you obviously are fucking um you're both your guards are down and you can be more conversational in that moment and i think more honesty comes out in those moments but i would be like hey i am not really looking for anything else right now i just want to make sure moving forward that we are both in the same page. If not, it's okay. I just want to check in and see how you're feeling about me and, you know, what you're looking for for yourself. That's what you say. See how you're feeling about me and what you're looking for for yourself. I don't know is an answer. I don't know equals I'm unsure equals I'm still trying to figure it out equals I can't commit to you. They won't say I can't

commit to you because they want you to lay up in that bed with them and fuck them three more times that night. But I don't know is an answer. I think it's very valid to ask, hey, what are we and what are you looking for with yourself? Just so we can make sure we're on the same page. But once again, if you don't get an answer out of that, that is your answer sometimes. And if they do give you an answer like, I'm not looking for anything. You cannot change their mind. You're not there to change your mind. What do you want for yourself act accordingly? How do I learn to trust myself in my decisions? By making decisions.

Mama, you got to choose. You've got to choose. You just got to make a decision. I'm not even kidding. The same way you build trust with a friend is the same way you build trust with yourself where you kind of have to, you know, risk it a little bit. You got to risk it. You do.

You know, when you're meeting a new person, you're like, I don't really know who you are. I don't know if I trust you. I don't know if I can spill my secrets to you. but you're like, fuck it, I'll give them one and we'll see what they do with it. You have to do that with yourself too, where you're like, I don't know if this is the right decision. I don't know if I trust myself. Well, you'll figure it out.

You'll figure it out soon. And even if things go wrong, the trust comes from knowing maybe I made the wrong decision, but I'm going to get myself the fuck up out of here. That's where the trust really comes from, especially with the wrong decision. Don't worry about making the wrong or right decision. We worry about making a decision and getting through it. If it's positive, much easy. to get through. Congratulations, you made the right decision. It really is a 50-50 chance.

And if it goes wrong, getting as far and as fast away from it as possible, that's how you build self-trust. And listening to yourself when you go, actually, I need to go and going. Or listening to yourself when you go, yay, I did the right thing and celebrating. How to deal with monitoring spirits? Oh, babe, I am the perfect person to ask. Lots of protection spells. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of protection spells. Protection spells out the wazoo. Mama, I do so many protection spells. And they're not even like intense, insane, crazy.

I just like ward myself pretty heavily. I use a lot of like anointing oils on myself, protection oils. I have a lot of white candles in this house that I burn constantly and frequently. I will cleanse my space often. I will pour bowls of white salt out around my house to cleanse myself. I will take up some salt baths. If I feel like it is particularly bad. Now, a lot of it is like not from people who are close to me.

Thank God. God did place a blessing on me where I do find myself surrounded by very, very kind, amazing, wonderful people very often and very randomly. And I do appreciate that blessing. Thank you, universe. Um, but if you do find yourself around a monitoring spirit where you're like, I'm going to tell this bitch my secret and she's going to go around the entire bar telling every single other person. You have one choice. Or no, you have two choices.

You either A, get the fuck away from them or B, you start lying to them. This is when the pathological lying thing comes in. It's like me when I found out my therapist was a monitoring spirit. I was like, I'm just going to lie to her. I'm going to lie to her. Lie to her. It's kind of fun to fuck with people sometimes. Let's be honest.

and if it's somebody you can't trust and has evil intentions to you, it's okay to fuck with them. It's okay. Don't do it in an evil, awful, horrible way. But if you want to spread some lies about yourself or if she's like, how are you doing? And you're doing horrible and awful. You're like, oh my God, I'm doing fabulous. I just got the best job opportunity ever. I am succeeding so amazingly.

You're so jealous. Stay mad, bitch. Sometimes you can kind of like fight in that sort of way. It's okay to fuck with evil people, like I said. But yeah, personally, I don't. really do that interpersonally because if I am around somebody who's weird, I just leave immediately. But for any sort of like online presence, I have monitoring spirits in that sort of way. I'm monitoring spirits in my family.

I'm monitoring spirits everywhere. I set boundaries accordingly and then, yeah, white candles, horseshoes. I use anointing oils. Epsom salt bass, like I said, draw that energy away from me. evilize even or fabulous blessings blessings blessings protection spells out the wazoo this guy wants to fly me out to colorado should i go lmf ao only if you have uh facetimed tim talked with him on the phone texted for a while um and also if you're not staying at his place yeah i think when it comes is getting flown out. There's a certain, um,

carefulness you have to take. And this comes from me with the perception of a girl I knew almost got trafficked in high school because she met a guy online and he said, fly out here, baby. I'm, I have an apartment for you. And in reality, he was going to traffic her. Not to scare you, but like, mama, we must take precaution always. Um, yeah, if you are going out there, do not stay with him. Do not stay at his place. And in fact, I recommend if he's going to fly you out, you buying your own hotel where he doesn't know where it is

and meeting for the first time ever in a third party place. Shit, meet in the Hermes store for all I goddamn care. If you really want to see what he's down for, meet in the Hermes store. Let's go to the Lubiton store. Let's go to Neiman Marcus. Let's go to Reformation. Like, let's go shopping.

Let's go shopping. Just kidding. or like let's meet at dinner. But if you are going somewhere, make sure you are going to a place that only you know of and your friends with your location. Make sure somebody knows where you are, knows what's going on,

and don't go anywhere alone with him quickly. I mean, that rule also applies for if you're not getting flown out. Like, let's not have strange men knowing where you live. Don't go over to their house. If you haven't like spent one-on-one quality time together, other, even if it's four hours at a bar, that's enough, like whatever, whatever time it takes for you to make a judgment, period. But give yourself that opportunity to make that judgment first.

So it was a healing. We need healing, sis. My healing has been very different recently, and it's been like so much more fun. After my psychic was like, pleasure will bring clarity. I was like, actually my whole world is just flipped upside down right now. think you realize how much of impact you've made on me as quickly as you just did but truly like I said at the beginning of this episode like I don't give a fuck about anybody but me and I still love my friends I'll show up for them I'll support them I'll buy their door dash food because they're drunk at the bar

and I'm going to walk them home and make sure they get inside like I'm not an evil awful bitch I'm still going to love and support and uplift everybody around me but also like that also extends to myself sometimes we forget about ourselves and sometimes we think healing comes from control because we feel so out of control. We're like out of control in our head and our body and our world and our work, whatever it is that we start getting like really, really regressive on our life around us and we start going, well, I need to run ultra marathons and I need to start only eating chicken breast and

rice and I need to get really strict about my diet and I need get really strict about routine and it's like actually that is so suffocating like baby we need to be free. So the last episode was titled Young Ho's Run. because we must do so. I think there's so much healing in that. I think the most healed I was, actually, this is such a lie, but like I was, I was healing exponentially when I was in my party phase outside of the activities I was doing because I was just allowing myself to be myself and explore myself and try new things and meet new people and not be insecure

because I, we don't time for that. We're on the move. We're doing things. We're trying things. We're having a good time. And I feel like I'm finally entering that. era again minus the drug addiction minus the abusive boyfriend minus the all horrible awful things that were going on and now i'm really in my healing era because i'm like actually healing comes through fun

actually healing comes through fun the more fun you have the more healed you will feel and you have to have real honest raw fun sometimes that means you know like i said going out to a dive bar don't do that every night that's not healing you know sometimes it means you know partying it up a little bit not every night like let's have some balance but like allow yourself to be free and be young and have a good time maybe maybe it means you know oh i've been out a little bit too much i'm gonna stay home i'm gonna put on a movie i'm gonna make a lasagna soup and i'm gonna read like with my cute little sexy librarian glasses and that's gonna be my healing for today maybe it's like you know what i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm seeing myself. I'm feeling myself. I know what I need to do. I'm going to journal.

I'm going to have a coffee. I'm have a slice of warm banana bread. And I'm going to sit on my front patio. Like, healing can come in so many different ways. There's no linearity to healing. There is no one size fits all to healing. And I think we can heal easier and faster and exponentially more if we just do it through having fun. Through being silly, through being wild, through having fun, through experiencing life, through trying new things, through putting yourself out there. I think that's the way to do it. Locking yourself inside and hyper-analizing, hyper-analizing, hyper-analyzing, self-help book, hyper-analyzing, journaling, self-help book, hyper-analizing.

Like, mama, that's a prison. That's a prison. You can do that. You can do a little bit of that, but that shouldn't be all your life is. Otherwise, you're going to be living your entire life under a microscope for the rest forever. And that's, like, so scary. okay allow yourself to be free experience the world get out there Halloween's coming up get excited get excited about life okay I want you get on that interweb and find the sexiest hottest

huddiest sluttiest costume you can find I found mine I'm so excited I've never looked better people's heads are going to be whipping and turning when they see me walk into whatever club and bar I happen to be walking into that night and I cannot wait oh life is worth living you guys things are good indulge and pleasure live your best life have fun do something fun this week i'm begging stop giving a fuck what other people think about you and care about what you think about yourself and it's okay if you think yourself you're like a lame loser been there start having fun put yourself out there you know and mess yourself in your environment allow yourself to fit in a little bit cosplay a little bit if you're not comfortable fuck it buy some new lingerie go shopping

do some fun thing for yourself i'm begging you please that's how you heal at least for right now that's kind of where i am but with that being said if you want to see more for me in this podcast follow patreon patreon patreon.com slash smooksashati i'm a blitting a tarot reading today and i shared the book club book of the month and my september forecast and what i'm looking forward to and also i answer every single question um on the patreon and you can upload photos now oh my god and you can upload paragraphs. Sometimes we got to go through the details as girls, and I'm happy to go through the details with you.

Like I said, patreon.com slash smokes a study. Vlogs are also up there early, but the vlogs are on YouTube at Hannah Marlene 4444. If you want to see my stone makeup routine, I did rip the bowl in between each step. So that's silly and fun and a little goofy and wild if you need a friend to get ready with. And I'm uploading two recipes this week on Instagram. I am. Practical magic, midnight margaritas. Oh my God to celebrate. And also I'm making in and out flying Dutchmen. They're going to be so yummy and so good. So come hang out there and submit all of your questions at Hannah Marlene on Instagram. But without being said,

please stay sane. Stay sexy. And I'll see you all so soon. M-mm. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know the same way you can skip an ad. I'm Siyah and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today, I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll.

So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.