Smoke Sesh - black sheep, bad habits, trials & tribulations

Episode Date: September 15, 2026

hello hotties and welcome back! we have a moody ep as I talk frustrations, what I've been up to, horse girl problems, busy days, Venus in scorpio, Venus retrograde, astrology updates, hard times, trials and tribulations, universal tests, pushing through, keep going, work life balance, prioritizing your life, working to live not living to work, biggest fears, being stuck, they're just not that into you, playing with your emotions, taking people at face value, guessing games, putting yourself first, being moody, finding hobbies, fashion ins and outs, being the black sheep of your family, being yourself, finding your family, true support, bad habits, impulsive, messy drunks, honest friends, perfect rot day, finding passion for life, whats it all meant for? and much much more!watch the vlogs on YouTube at hannahmarlene444join the patreon! new episodes (and more) at patreon.com/smokeseshshawtysubmit your questions and call ins every week on instagram.com/hannahmarlene

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of SmokeSash. So come hang out. Let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Hello, hello, hello, hotties of the world.

And welcome back to SmokeSage. My name is Hannah, your host, and I'm so excited to be here with you guys today. is tired. Mama is honkshoe, me, me, me, snop bubble blowing out of her nose, nightcap, nightgown candle in hand, cheeks out kind of tired. I've got a full day today. I hope you guys have had a wonderful day as well as you're listening. I'm so happy to be back with you guys. We have a lot to catch up on. Honestly, not a lot. My usual things. You know my Monday vibes. I was country girl out. Okay. No one is doing a hand. Montana as hard as I am doing Hannah Montana.

And Mondays are my farm country cowgirl days. I wake up ass crack a dawn. Okay. Chickens if I had them would have been fucking howling to wake me up because the sun is barely waking up. And I get up. I put my boots on. I put my denim on.

I put my jeans on. And I drive an hour to go take my horseback riding lessons. My horseback riding lessons love it. I love my horse. Love Miss Zina. Love my trainer. Love the environment. Super fun. But like when I'm there, I have to be on 10. You know, it is not only physically exhausting. I'm lifting like a 50 fucking pound saddle up and down and up and down and picking up and down and picking up hoops and, you know, it's physically exerting. I'm trying to lead a 1,500 pound animal around. But also it's mentally exerting because you then have to connect with this animal the same way. the avatars connect to their dragons. I don't know. I haven't seen Avatar in at least 10 years.

But it is that same kind of mental connection where you're like, okay, we are one. And you are an anxious freak and so am I. But I don't trust you and I trust myself. So like I have to be a leader. I have to like control my emotions. I have to control, you know, my body, everything about it.

It's just like, who mama, it is a work out. And my poor little horse, she has the worst allergies known to man. And so she's just itchy, itchy, itchy, itchy girl. The flies won't leave her alone. I feel so bad. And there's not much I can do other than like supplements 15 Zyrtec a day. I'm not even kidding. You know, all the fun little things to try and lessen it.

But other than that, not much I can really do kind of out of my control. And we've kind of been going through this battle, this head on battle for the past two months, where I am like, okay, what is wrong? Like she won't listen to me. I'm on her and she's shaking. She's itchy. She's like not paying attention. She's getting pissed off.

She's like about to take off with me on her, which is not safe. It's not good. But also I know this isn't her. I know this is kind of like a symptom of something else. And it's more than just itchiness. So now I'm kind of in the mental process of like, all right, now I need to work with her. And she can't tell me what's wrong. to try and figure out what's the best kind of, like, saddle for her, best kind of saddle pad,

gear, whatever, because I know she is like a fabulous fucking horse, okay? This horse would go to war for you. This horse would literally ride into battle, no fears for you. I'm not even kidding. She is the sweetest. She is the strongest. She is a big girl. She is like 16 hands.

she is buff she is muscular she is the lead mayor of her pasture so this is like a bad bitch i'm fucking with and it's like i am the loser boyfriend who's like please don't leave me i'll do anything so i'm doing anything in my power to try and win her over but also to be able to ride safely and i recently come to the conclusion that i think the saddle i'm using which is just a traditional western saddle and then the saddle pad i'm using which is like what i thought would be good for her all natural fibers handmade for her body, for her shape. Okay, boozy, Jesus fucking Christ. It's making her more itchy.

It's pissing her the fuck off because today tried to ride, didn't work. All right. We can't give up. We can't let her know that she can just like have a little hissy fit and get away with it. All right. Let's do some groundwork. And so I was like, let's like, let's kind of test some things out. I took the saddle off of her.

No problems. Okay, so it is the saddle. And my trainer, she's so sweet. She's like, let's work through it. Let's figure things out. Let me help you out. And so she was like, I ride in an Australian saddle. This is like horse girl nerd talk for a minute.

Okay. I just got to get off my chest because I've been out there, Mama, for 10 hours. Not that many, but like at least eight hours, like a full time job. Like I have been out there with the horses trying to figure it out. So my trainer, we had finished. I put her out past show. I was like, okay, why don't, like, do you have anything else going on today? I'm like, yeah, but whatever.

I'm flexible. She's like, why do you come over to my house and you can try my Australian saddle out? It's kind of a mix between English and Western. So it's a fabulous like middle ground saddle. And it's not something that many people have. So I was like very curious about it. I was like, you know what? Fuck it.

I am in a fuck around and find out kind of. mood recently. Maybe it's the Venus retrograde coming up slash Venus being in Scorpio. We'll get into that. We'll get into that. Don't you worry. But I've been just kind of like, you know what? Fuck it. You know what fuck it. What are we able to lose? I'm going to go home and do a podcast. Love it, love it, love it, love it, love it. But also like we're out here. I got to figure it out. She just got a new house. It has like 10 acres. It's beautiful. She moved her horses on the property. I'm like, fuck it, girl, let's go. So I go. We drive to her house. You know, it's beautiful out there.

Okay, she has like a space for her horses. Her horses are so sweet. They're so, so sweet. She raises border collies and trains them at like an athletic level. And so she has like a pasture for sheep and sheep hurting and for her dogs. I'm like, oh my God, you're living the dream. You are living the dream out here. This is so nice to see because she's like 32.

We are very close in age. And she's like, I never thought I'd be able to have this. This was just a pipe dream. But me and my husband have been able to achieve it. It's been so beautiful and so wonderful. And I'm like, okay, thank you for giving me perspective on what my life could be because it is a dream out there. And she put me up on her little horse.

He's like pony size. He's so small. And I got to try out this Australian saddle, which I absolutely adore, absolutely love. But now I'm like, mama got to drop a lot of money on some brand new. equipment. That's for sure. So who I have just been in a trial and error kind of vibe this morning. And then since it's now rush hour traffic, because I was out there, like I said, for 15 hours. I spent like an hour in traffic and now I'm here. And I'm happy to be with you guys. But I do apologize if I am maybe losing my fucking mind a little bit. Danger. Do not rub your face on that

camera. I am not fucking around right now. Don't. Don't. Oh my God. Bra. Okay. Mama needs a smoker bowl. So let's go ahead and hit this shit and then I'll finish with my rambling for the day. Cheers. Finally, relaxation, hanging out with the girls having a little key. I'm so excited to be here with you guys today. but yeah that was just like a full day that i was not expecting and that's kind of been the vibe recently anybody else picking up in this weird energy anybody else going like what the fuck why are tensions heightened why are like things a little bit more complicated than usual why am i like like i like i feel like there's a monster inside me that needs to be released and we'll get into like astrology talk now horse girl astrology, bitch, this is the place to be.

Venus recently just moved into Scorpio. I did a whole write-up about this on the Patreon. If you guys are ever curious and like, what's going on? Why is it going on? How the fuck is it going to affect me? I usually do full write-ups on all of these transitions. I mean, usually with kind of the perspective of like an astrological perspective, but also with like an intuitive perspective of like how this might affect you

mind, body, spirit. And the thing with Venus is you think Venus, you think goddess, you think divine, you think baddie Aphrodite in the seashell emerging from the sea, like conjured out of thin air from love and appreciation and like crushed pearls. Like gorgeous, gorgeous, sexy hot fucking gorgeous, right? Yes. Duh. Hello.

Well, Scorpio. And I love my Scorpio women. out there mysterious, okay, like, batty lurking in the shadows, untouchable. Like, love a Scorpio, love a Scorpio, unfortunately. But they, when Venus is in Scorpio, things get challenging because Scorpio is Mars ruled, which is Mitch the, like, planet of war and destruction and rebirth and challenge. and challenge and all those super fun sexy things. So when that is in Venus,

which is supposed to be like chill, relax, like lavish, like I am in a milk bath eating grapes out of someone's hand. And then someone approaches me being like, actually we're going to war, give me those grapes. We have to feed them to other people. It's like, bitch, what the fuck?

You know what I mean? And so that's kind of the energy that's in the air right now. where things are just like going a little bit more heightened, specifically things regarding self, identity, relationships, environment, like specifically things regarding, like what I would like to consider identity of self, which is like how you treat yourself, how you treat others, the relationships in your life, how you present yourself to your, to the world, emotions. that's what Venus kind of rules over. It really gets knocked down to just like beauty and love,

but also like beauty and love are such integral parts of our life regarding ourselves, regarding others, that we can't not be influenced by it, truly. All right. So that's fun. And then it goes retrograde October 3rd. All right? October 3rd.

So we are in what they call the shadow phase, shadow period. which is just like things are ramping up almost like a roller coaster where we're heading up to the top of the roller coaster retrograde hits we drop down that fucking roller coaster Venus will transition out of Scorpio for a little bit I believe it transitions into Libra for a little bit and then it goes back into Scorpio until January something I don't know the full dates full write-up a little more intuitive and educational that full write-up on patreon patreon patreon.com slash smoke so shoddy but that's the gist that's the gist the gist is prepare for war no i'm just kidding if i could give you any piece of advice for this time period

is sit down and keep quiet scorpios are the best the most magnetic the most connected to self probably when they're kind of like standing on the sidelines they don't like to be the black sheep of the family but they kind of do where they're just kind of in their own world doing their own thing nobody really knows them only they know themselves they have this air of mystery um they know how much they can give and that's what gives them that ego but they're rare to give it to people and if you do get it like be thankful but also like bitch watch your fucking back so that's kind of the energy we need to take on where it's like I'm gonna do my own thing I'm gonna be here I'm gonna do my own thing I want to focus on myself fuck it if I want to do it I'm gonna do it if

not I'm not but like don't get super impulsive do not get super emotional don't let your emotions control you and don't get too cynical about the world that's probably the best advice I can give you for right now. But yeah, if you're feeling a little bit like, what the fuck is going on? I'm feeling a little more like cranked up than usual. That's probably the energy that you're picking up on. Because maybe I know I am. The way I'm fighting with Zina my horse like a fucking sister. I don't have a sister. But if I had one, I'd fight with her like that where it's like, bitch, what the fuck? And it's like, no, you're not listening to me. No, you're not listening to me. And it's like, and she can't even speak. Like I'm losing.

my mind it feels like we'll figure it out we'll figure it out there's ups and downs everything it's not the end of the world i just like i said i'm getting more freshered by small things than usual thus i must up the zen i must up the sitting down staying quiet keeping to myself self care self love okay venus is being amplified a little bit let's not put it into the indulgences of war let's put it into the indulgences of self maybe cut down on that online shopping and up the shower routine up the long baths, the, you know, physical self-care to ground yourself, put yourself in your body, and not let yourself get taken off to these other worlds of unnecessary thinking, unnecessary emotions, all that super fun stuff.

But yeah, that's kind of what I'm going through. Sorry if that was a Debbie Downer. But like I said, energy zero. But let me chug the rest of the Celsius and we will lock the fucking girls because we have some fun topics to talk about today. You guys had a lot in your mind. I think a lot of you guys are also going through this kind of feeling, emotion, transition, whatever, because I got so many questions like, what the fuck is going on in the sky? What is the astrology? What's happening? Why do help? Why do I feel this way? It's like, I hate, I don't know. I hate that the astrology has so much influence on us, but it really truly does. It really truly does. And once you learn about it, it's really hard to argue with the fact of it. I don't care if you don't believe in astrology or whatever. like you can believe whatever you want to believe as long as it doesn't harm anybody else please

love of god um but i do so you're gonna have to hear about it this might bring an air of different answers to your questions though maybe i'm going to be a little bit harsher but mama there's truth and love in it don't worry all right let's get into it how to manage life as a student with a job prayer hands prayer hands pray your hands oh girl okay so i'm gonna get so fucking real with you right now. There are periods of your life that might not be a lot of fun because you're locked the fuck in because you have no choice but to lock the fuck in where you're like juggling one million fucking things where you're being challenged in ways you've never been challenged before where you feel like you're looking around and going damn what the

fuck is going on like why why me but also like baby we must persevere. That's because there are just seasons in your life that are what I like to consider the trials and tribulations, okay? And you're going to have many of them. I hate to break it to you. It's just a part of life. If life was so good and amazing all the time, it actually would be boring to us if you

think about it. So the lows give you perspectives on the highs. Keep that in mind and let that keep you going. but there are periods and times that are trials and tribulations, babe. You're being checked. The universe is like, can you do it? Maybe you fall in hard times. Maybe you're like, what the fuck is going on?

Maybe it's you. Maybe it's other people. Maybe it's emotional. Maybe it's physical. Maybe it's simply just balancing literally being a student and having a job because that's incredibly fucking difficult. Let's be honest. Being a student is a full-time job, having to then work.

a full-time job on top of that and pay for college is crazy in my opinion in my opinion in my opinion school should be free i think that is a god-given right but yeah like the only way out is truly through the only way out is through i did this okay i did art school which no it's not neuroscience but baby have you ever had to build a eight-foot by eight-foot paper machet sculpture in the span of 12 hours it'll drive you mad it'll drive you insane it's a lot of work. It's a lot of challenging. It's a lot of physical work. It's a lot of like, creational work. Maybe it's not solving equations, but it kind of is solving equations when you're trying to build something in the real world. It's challenging. It's difficult. They do push you

to your limit. They're like, bitch, how bad do you want it? I was doing that plus working at least five days a week, which is actually insane to think about. But like, Mama, you got to do what you got to do. At least five days a week as a server. So I'd wake up. I'd go to school. to four, 330 technically. I would have my work clothes in my bag, go to work, change in the bathroom as a server. And then I would close. I was the closer. I would work then four, close at 11, probably get fucked up.

Let's be so goddamn for real. Go to bed at 3, 4 a.m. Wake up, do it all over again. This was over and over and over and over and over and over. And was I going insane? yeah was I going and saying was it hard was it difficult absolutely but baby I got that A I took home a fat paycheck every single night it provided me the like self-appreciation understanding that I needed in order to move forward with confidence while also stacking my

fucking bank account so I could move out of my parents house and yeah was it a trial was in a tribulation absolutely keep in mind I also did an abusive ass ex-boyfriend at the time that was just like so emotionally draining it was like okay one of of these has to go and it's not going to be school and it's not going to be work. That's for sure. Oh, keep in mind, last time we had a, uh, Venus wasn't Scorpio in general, was November of 2018. So if you've been alive that long, I think my general audience is like 25 to 35, which is beautiful for me because like mama, me too. but if whatever you were experiencing okay November 2018 those are the same kind of emotions and themes that you're probably going to be experiencing around this time and the time that I'm talking about

unfortunately the trials and tribulations era that I'm talking about where I had to lock the fuck in was also Venus in Scorpio so I fear I'm entering that era again where it's like mama we just have to get through we're going to be better for. it we're gonna be stronger for it are we crawling on our hands in the knees in the mud yes but like sometimes we must do that in order to get to the beautiful field on the other side metaphorical of life and it's just what you got to do but you'll be better for it all right trials and tribulations know it'll be over you will pass the test you will make it through and there's something beautiful waiting on the other side for you because there is if you ever go through like a hard time just know

there's something better waiting for you if you go through that hard time with the best of your ability. Like you don't have to come out a brand new person, but at least with like your head still on your shoulders and like being a good person in general to yourself to others, you will have some sort of like gift on the other side from the universe. It's a universal truth. Anytime you go through something hard, there's always a payout afterwards. Whether it's like an emotional payout or a physical payout or like a manifest payout, but you will get something. So just know it will all be worth it.

Whether it's that fucking degree, period, whether it's enough money for you to pay another month's rent, whether it's just like, you know, you being able to be stable on your own. That's amazing. That's wonderful. You got to keep in mind what it's all for, especially school.

School is so worth it, I promise you. I promise you, I promise you, it is so worth it. It's challenging for a reason. And many people get through, so you will too. but there's something beautiful waiting on the other side for you. So just power through trials and tribulation. What else is there to do but keep going? That gets me through a lot.

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Spotify advertising connects you with an audience that's engaged and ready to discover your brand. Launch a campaign with Spotify Ads Manager. I don't know. Unfortunately, my personal life is my work, but it's a really good thing that I love my personal life. I think that makes things easier for me, but I also have a drastically different perspective. Um, now with your work and your personal life, you got it. You have to like severance yourself. I'm not even kidding.

The job I do work, that's like a normal ass fucking job like when I serve, um, or bartend. Like that shit is like I go. I make my money. I play server simulator. I get the fuck up out of there and I don't give a fuck what happens when I'm not there. When you get too emotionally invested. in your work your work becomes your life and your life is not your work unless you are living to work for the work of your life. I told you I'm losing it. Okay, this is my like if you're working

for yourself, you're doing a hobby, making money off of it. Love it. It's like that is so fun. Please invest everything you have into that. This podcast, when I do art, when I'm making YouTube videos, whatever it may be speaking up, there's a Trader Joe's Fall Hall up on YouTube right now at Hannah Marley in Fort Fort for if you want to know how I feel about Trader Joe's products. I really just wanted to go buy eight bottles of wine and try them. So come do that with me. But sure, if you're doing your craft, if you're doing what you love, you'll never work a day in your life. It's what they say. But also like that's not all of us. And some of us have to work shitty fucking jobs to pay the bills. Actually, most of us have to work shitty fucking jobs to pay

the bills. And my biggest tip for that is clock in, clock out, get the fuck out. and make sure your personal life outside of there is invigorating and exciting to you. Okay, sure. Are you exhausted? Are you tired at the end of the day? Do you want to do nothing but scroll on your phone and dissociate? Yeah, you can do that. Absolutely.

In fact, they want you to do more of that. Just kidding. You are going to have to kind of push yourself to the limit in your personal life by putting it first. It's going to be difficult. You're going to be tired. You're not going to know what to do. But picking up hobbies, having an active social life. even planning small dates for yourself, small outings for yourself, having a third place that's not

work or home will make having a life outside of work much easier. And it'll also make the dissociation from work much easier. You also need a really, really, really good like coming down routine after work. If you don't, you will carry that shit until you go to sleep. after I get off work, well, I usually have a drink at work before I come home. Like a glass of wine take the edge off. That's all I need. All right.

Sometimes you need it. I only work one, two days a week as a server sometimes. So it's like not that big of a deal. I will also take the bluff of the weed. Okay. If you don't do that, fabulous, wonderful. Mama needs it. It is what it is.

I'm not here to argue. maybe I'll have better coping mechanisms at some point, but like, girl, I'm 27. We're just doing it to do it at this point. So I like to do that. I like to have a full body shower. I'm talking I will just sit in the shower and not think or I will overthink or I'll have like arguments with people in my mind in the shower. And as I even do that, the energy is coming out of me and I feel like it's running down the shower drain and into the gutters and sewers where it belongs. so even if I get off work, say go work at the stables or something like that, I go and help do feedings

from there eight hours, from doing work, you know, lessons, whatever. I still come home and do that whether I have a good time or not, whether it's 4 p.m. or not, I feel like having a shower is like such a physical way of washing yourself literally clean, emotionally and physically. So that will always be a go-to. All right. I take a fat rip of the bowl. I get in the shower.

I release my inhibitions, feel the rain on my skin, you know, cuss my boss out in the shower. And then once I step out of that shower, it's like relaxation mode. All right. Whether it's all right, I'm relaxing and I'm taking so much time to give myself self-love to like emotionally recover. Or if it's like, all right, I'm going to now get myself ready to go out to dinner with a friend. or it's like, all right, I'm going to put myself together so then I can go do my hobby. I kind of build myself back up. After like releasing, I build myself back up.

And then I indulge you something that makes me feel good. If it's a really long-ass fucking day and I don't want to do anything and I want to watch a movie, valid. If it's a day where I have a little bit more energy and I want to go on a walk around the park, valid. If it's a day where, oh, thank God, I have a dinner date planned with a friend. Perfect. Now I get to go out and kiki with the girls. maybe complain with them love it there's something better maybe it's a day where i'm you know i don't want to go outside but also like i don't want to just like lay around let me do some art let me do some puzzling

maybe it's a day where i have a lot of fucking energy and i'm like let me go to the stables you see that's my routine and i feel like it's a great way of like releasing whatever is on your fucking mind whether it's like screaming in your car um taking a shower rinsing yourself clean writing it in your journal cussing them out in your head. You have to have a wind down routine from work so then you transition into your personal life. And then you feel like you can be a functioning person in your personal life without carrying this baggage and this weight of work behind you.

All right. If I can give you one piece of advice of a bad way of winding down, though, is complaining to people around you. there is a coping mechanism that we all need to get quickly quickly quickly is something that i feel like i'm pretty good at i really do compartmentalize very quickly in my head i just i don't care about a lot of things but like i think it's healthy for you to do these things alone i don't think you should be coming home to your partner your roommate your cat your fish and complaining and complaining and complaining and complaining and complaining.

That is not a healthy way of, you know, compartmentalizing and releasing. You have to kind of work through it yourself and do something cathartic to release that. A little healthy complaining, fine. But every single day for 30 plus minutes after work, nobody around you wants to hear that. I promise you that.

It's the same way people feel when like their friends are in shitty fucking relationships. and it's all they talk about. It's like, oh my God, either break up with them or like get used to it. I don't know what to tell you. Like, damn, bitch. People also feel that way about your relationship with your job. And you're not dating your job.

You are there to make your fucking money so you can have a fabulous personal life. So make sure you're living life and not just working yourself to the bone to the grave. Also, red flag and jobs. If you ever go to an interview and they're like, we're like family here, mama, that's because they don't have a life outside of that place. That's because no, so right, they are literally family because they don't have family. They don't have family. And if you're seeking family, maybe find one of those places. If that's your jam, but if you are trying to have a healthy work life balance, don't work in one of those places.

Don't. They'll be like, what do you mean you don't want to work Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday. What do you mean? You don't want to work 12 hours a day? What do you mean you're going home? What do you mean you didn't do extra work at home? What do you mean? You know, so mitigate the best you can. Try and find a really good wind down routine and make sure your personal life is invigorating. I don't care what you do. Just make sure you feel content doing it and it makes you want to live life. I always ask like, what are the vibes for the week? Someone said the vibe is sweet chili wings you know what that is the vibe that sounds fabulous and what is your top three

biggest fears oh biggest fears number one heights i don't i don't do heights i can't do heights uh i can't i don't know if someone in my lineage somewhere was shoved from a tall cliffside midsummer style but there is an ache in my bones in heart that makes me feel deep down inside like I have had my body smash into rocks at that speed and velocity for it to kill me. It doesn't help that growing up, I used to go cliff jumping into the water of the Ozarks. You know, it's just what you do. You got your boat. You pull up to the cliff side.

You jump out of the boat. You crawl up the cliffs and you jump in. Well, that was cool and fine and dandy until one time I wasn't going fast enough and my friend pushed me off the twelf. 25 foot cliff into the water. Mama, I was not expecting that. Completely like landed on my back. Like, barely surfaced and was gasping for air. Like got the wind knocked out of me. After that, it's been like no go. I don't even like airplanes, if I'm being honest. If I have a window seat, which you do not want to sit next to me if I have a window seat because that entire thing will be closed the entire time. I will not have that window open unless we are in the clouds or on the ground.

I just can't. I can't do it. One time I took an edible for getting on the airplane. Where was I? What was I doing? I think I was in Oregon and we had like a bunch of edibles on us. And my partner took like 100 milligrams and I was like, okay, cool. Fine.

Let me eat a fourth. And then I was tripping balls on the airplane like about to have a panic attack. And my partner's passed out beside me because they had 100 milligram edible. that will put you to sleep, I promise you. And I'm like, oh my God, do I ask the flight attendant for help? No. I just had a power through. Trials and Tribulations.

Completely self-induced. But Heights, yeah, I don't like heights. Very uncomfortable. Don't like heights. Number two, fears. I don't know. I don't have a lot of fears. I don't have a lot of fears.

I used to be scared of spiders or whatever, but like I kind of fuck with spiders now. As long as they're not human size. like I can deal with a spider. Okay, you want to know my biggest fear? I can't come up with two. Sorry, but my biggest fear is like, can I be honest? Being unhappy in my life, like getting trapped in my life and not knowing, like not being able to do anything about it.

My biggest fear is I wake up one day and I'm doing absolutely everything that I never, ever wanted to do. Like, you know how sometimes like, um, stay at home moms will come to this realization of like, oh my God. I have no money and no security and no college degree and no job and I have eight kids and a farm and it's all up to me and my husband's gone 12 hours a day. I'm completely alone and isolated here except for these 18 children and 400 farm animals and I have to cook and I have to clean and all these things. It's like, loki, that trad wife ideal. Oh my God, biggest fucking fear.

So scary. If that's your jam, that's your jam. No offense, we're not talking about your biggest fears. We're talking about my biggest fears. My biggest fear is waking up and realizing like, oh my God, I'm trapped. I'm trapped and I'm alone. I'm trapped and I'm alone. Oh, and you know what?

Third biggest fear are caves. If you go cave diving, you're a freak. You are so, so, so, so, so, so scary. So scary. And not because you're like a scary individual, but because it's like, that is psycho it is what do you mean you my dad told me about one time he went cave diving not oh wait no cave crawling i don't know caving not with not underwater but just a cave um and he showed up to like a group tour and he was the only one there and the guy was like well there was supposed to be

two other people with us and they were like high school students and they're not coming it's just you and me so I'll take you on the crazy ones. He was like, um, can you fit? Before you go in, can you fit through this small like sample hole, which was the size of a small child? And he was like, yeah, when you go through, just push all the air out of your lungs and then crawl forward before you take a breath in or else you will fill up the entire space. Huh?

My dad said, my dad's not afraid of anything. He said it was one of the scariest experiences he's ever had in his entire life. Why the fuck are people crawling through tight little holes in caves? Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. So yeah, heights, um, waking up one day and realizing I've done nothing with my life

and being trapped somewhere in a environment situation of my own creation, um, that is truly so terrifying and isolating. And then caves. I don't know if a guy is interested in you. What kind of hints are you looking for help? Don't look for hints. If you, if he's interested in you, you'll, know. And if you're asking, is he interested in me? It's because he is intentionally making you

question it. And that's not with someone who wants you to fall in love with him would do. If someone wants you to fall in love with them, they will make their intentions very fucking clear. The same way you are probably making your intentions very fucking clear. They also will make their attention very fucking clear. Now, there is this weird vibe that's like people have been doing recently where it's like, um, doing the whole girlfriend, boyfriend, but then they're like, I, but I don't want anything serious. That is actually psychotic because it's like, no, we're dating. Let's be so fucking for real.

We're dating. You're not fucking anybody else. I'm not fucking anybody else. We are sleeping at each other's houses all the time. We're having so much fucking sex. We're going out to dinner. Like, we're doing things friends would do in an intimate setting, doing things intimately. Like, no, we are dating.

just call it what it is. If someone won't claim you, if someone is not giving you clear intentions, if somebody is not like, you know, is making you question yourself, they're fucking around. And there's no time to fuck around in this life. There's no time for that.

And I don't mean fucking around by like literally fucking around. I mean maybe, but I mean like they're playing with you. And that's not cool. I don't think you should have people in your life that are willing to play with you. I don't like that. I'm not a toy.

I'm not a pawn. I'm not an AI model where you can just like plug in whatever the fuck you want to hear and I'll spit it out. Like no, no, no, no. I don't think you should like engage with people or want to engage with people who play with you and your emotions. I think that is signing up as if you're signing a devil with the contract or a contract with the devil. And you're going to get a really stupid prize out of that game. I promise you that. And I know this because I've done this.

I know it's because I've done this. You will know. You will know how they feel. They will make it clear to you. And if they're unsure, they're unsure. And that is an answer. Because why would I want someone who's unsure about me? I just, I don't know if I love you.

I don't know if I could love you. Then what the fuck am I doing here? Then why are you around me? Then why are you torturing me? Now that doesn't mean they're going to look you in the eyes and go, I love you two days in. It just means like obviously you're going to be a priority. Obviously you guys are going to have the same goals.

Obviously you're going to be making time for each other. Obviously you're going to be reaching out to each other. Obviously you're going to be having a good time. You know, maybe you don't put a label on it within the first two days, but you're like going down the dating path at the same time instead of like being at a roadblock. You know what I mean? But yeah, don't let people question yourself. Don't question other people.

Really just take them as they are and you will have a much better experience. You will have a much better experience on this planet if you just accept people at face value for who they are. And sometimes that's me looking at somebody and going, no, you know what? You're an evil, awful, miserable bitch. Sometimes it's me looking at somebody and going, you know what? I like your vibe. Maybe you're not for me. Sometimes it's me looking at people and going, damn, we click.

I'm not even going to think about any like weird things you can be doing behind my back is like, no, we're viving, I'm vibing, I'm feeling good. You know, that kind of face value acceptance. It's much easier to do that. Now, once you're presented with new information, that's the new face value. But don't even worry about the information you don't know about. You will know about it if you need to know about it and just accept people for who they are, honestly. You should not have to convince yourself to like somebody. You should not have to convince other people to like you.

I promise you. You know how you feel about somebody within the first five minutes of meeting them. I promise you that. Someone said, girl, I have been messy. I hope the vibes this week are reeling it in. Oh, so valid meat as fuck. But also sometimes you've got to get wild and crazy. Sometimes you have to release your inhibitions.

you know sometimes you've got to let it go let it let it out let it go but also just be careful now was not a time for spontaneity now is not a time for um like impulsive decisions now that doesn't mean you shouldn't make any decisions you know what decisions you need to make you know what changes need to happen you know you know what makes sense for you but if you are like hmm do i shave my head my answer would be no. If you were asking me, like, should I completely sell off all of my possessions in the span of a week and move to a country I've never talked about, I would say absolutely not. Things like that where it doesn't make sense for you, don't do it. Also, things where it's like, I'm letting the dark side out, don't do it. Sit with the dark side, understand the dark side

before you make dark-sided decisions. How do you usually find classes slash workshops in your area? Okay, I think I'm going to start taking archery classes this winter. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's the Katness Everdean spirit in me. But I was like, fuck it. You know what?

I just saw this picture. This is how I choose my hobbies. And this might sound so super goddamn official. But this is how you literally have to move through life. I'm not even kidding. I saw a photo of a girl doing archery. And she was like in a very classic archery range. She was wearing like this beautiful gown.

And I was like, yes. Yes. I fuck with this. I like this image. I like this vibe. I like this feminine woman doing something that is like a little bit more masculine. And not in the fucking traditional sense. if I ever talk feminine and masculine, that's not in a traditional sense.

But it is more of like that kind of environment. And I was like, I love this. I love the dichotomy. I love the duality. I'm obsessed. Why don't I take archery classes? You know what I did. I got my big ass thumbs on Google.

I typed in archery and then the city I'm in. I hit that search bar. Eight places popped up. I went on the top three. I looked at their prices and from that I narrowed it down to one. That was close to me and cheap. That is literally how easy it is to find classes in your area. I do appreciate now because also I think sometimes Instagram turns into a internet

bulletin board, like a coffee shop bulletin board where people are posting their flyers, posting events, posting, are you searching for love? And then a phone number below, whatever. They're posting about local community events. I do think Instagram does have the ability to become and is very much so the internet quark board of events because a lot of people, I mean, some of them are posting them in coffee shops, but a lot of people are just like posting that flyer random. on Instagram and I do appreciate now that Google will suggest Instagram posts because I do find

a lot of things and events and you know creative endeavors through there as well but yeah mama you're gonna have to Google that shit and pick which one makes sense to you that's how easy it is but the choosing of the hobbies I do I'm not even kidding it's like that picture I love the energy and now I can't stop thinking about it and when I can't stop thinking about something I have to do it that's just a general life rule of mine. If I can't stop thinking about it, I have to do it. It's turned out very well for me. It's how I got into horseback riding.

It's how I started this podcast. It's how I started posting in general. It's how I've picked up all of my hobbies. It's how I've kind of picked my aesthetic-ish or, like, am influenced my things-ish. I'm a very visual creature. What can I say? Favorite fashion trend and least favorite fashion trend. Okay, so right now my favorite fashion trend is burnt velvet or crushed velvet.

This fall I'm really into velvet. I'm really into velvets, okay? Dresses, tops, little mini tops, maxi skirts, midi skirts, bitch, all of the above. Especially burnt velvet, like shawls, burnt velvet, cardigans, anything like that. That's what I'm really into. Okay, every month I also post on Patreon, my monthly forecast,

which are just things and items and activities and inspirations I'm taking for that month. So if you're ever curious, like, what are the vibes she's on? There's always a full write-up on that. Not even write-up, I use visual elements as well, collage style. But yeah, my favorite fashion trend right now

is probably, and it's not even a trend. but it's something that I'm looking at. Velvet. Burnt Velvet, crushed velvet, anything velvet. Underrated trend that I think we will see really, really elevate. I guarantee you within the next two months. Expect every single influencer that you see come across your desk. And this is just like a vision I'm having.

Maybe I'm the only one in their fall hall to be holding Minatanka. moccasins like suede moccasins i think moccasins are going to be very in that is very 2018 november coded that's for sure but i think moccasins are going to be my underrated fashion fantasy pick this season least favorite fashion trends this family is on the brink of civil war on september 18th mobland the hit original series is back on paramount plus we are the hodigans don't know than it and include we From the underworld of Guy Ritchie. Do you want to step up the ladder?

I want Carmen dead. Starring Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren. Do I have to do everything myself? You want to want to want! I'll give you a... Mobland. New season hits September 18th on Paramount Plus. Not usually one to be a hater.

Actually, that is a goddamn lie, but there's nothing I'm really having like a massive disdain for right now. or something that I see that I'm like, ugh, you know. I don't know. I rarely experience that, if ever, if I'm being honest. I guess maybe one that I personally and feel like it's falling out of style or just one that I don't really like. This is a personal thing too. I just don't like the way it fits my body is like anything barrel, barrel cut pants. I don't like it.

I don't like it. And that is just me. If it works for you, works for you, baby girl. As long as you work it, that's all I give a fuck about. Hi, what's your take on being the black sheep of the family and staying true to you, Ily. You got to really start disappointing the people in your life very quickly. That will grant you a lot of freedom from opinion.

And may I say if you have people in your life that have intense opinions about who you are in a way that is putting you down, Mama, you do not have to engage with them. You don't. You don't. I disagree with the idea of keeping people in your life because they're blood. If that person is evil and awful and horrible and a menace and abusive and whatever, get them the fuck out of there.

You do not have to interact with them. I don't care how close they are to you in blood. that you don't have to you don't have to there's a big reason i am choosing not to go to a family wedding it's because i'm like emotionally i physically cannot do that love the bride love the groom love many people there but the event of it all that was going to fucking kill me so i was like sorry can't make it what are you going to do what are you going to do what are you going to do. I feel like I was more isolated within myself the more I tried to fit in. And I felt more accepted the more I was myself. The more I tried to fit in and like, oh my God, I remember it

would be like, all right, it's time to go to whatever family event. Don't talk about this. Remember to be on your A game. Remember to, you know, say hi to everybody. all these crazy fucking things. And here is the outfit you're wearing and it is the ugliest fucking thing you've ever seen and has nothing to do with you and all about how you present yourself. And it's like, ugh, great. I cannot wait to go. I'm so excited.

Like, fuck. I felt so isolated within myself. I'd be like interacting with people and I'd be like, this is just like pulling teeth. I was much more shy as well. I like wouldn't make eye contact. contact, I wouldn't speak to people because I didn't feel comfortable doing so. But once I kind of like got older, got a little bit more ballsy, really I did have choice in life, was challenging

myself to break those boxes I was pushed into to explore different sides of myself, to allow myself to explore different sides of myself. I felt less isolated. I became less isolated. I started interacting with those people more often, even if it wasn't accepted or whatever, I felt more me and thus I felt more comfortable. And there's like a truth in that that is very freeing where you don't really care if you're the black sheep of the family because the people who fuck with you will fuck with you and the people who don't fuck with you just won't. Like I said, take people at face value and surround yourself with the people who love you no matter what, who love you no matter who you are. Those are your rider dies, everybody outside of there is just like an obligation and I don't like having people in my life

that are obligations. I like having people in my life that I'm excited to see that I am inspired by, that I am driven by, that love me fully because we deserve that. We deserve that in our lives, especially from our family. And that's why I say if you don't find it there, you know, you don't have to surround yourself with those people. But also like you do, kind of have an obligation of building your own family in that way. Finding people who support you, finding people who love you no matter what, you know, whether they're your age, they're older, they're younger, whatever, just finding that like, oh my God, finding your tribe.

Remember when that was a fucking trend? Okay, November 2018 coded. Because no one, we are pack animals. We're not supposed to be alone. You know, you can be alone for a little bit of time, but you got to be around people who love you. You got to be around people who support you. no matter if they're blood or not. But yeah, black sheep of the family, girl, you're looking at it.

We got lawyers. We got physical therapists. We got people who are in D.C. We got people who are paramedics. We got people who are working on yachts. We got people who are traveling the world. And I'm like, Mama, I hold a podcast mic in my hand and talk about fingering online. and not to diminish who I am because I love it, but I understand why.

You know, it's a little eye turning to my Missourian family. Okay. You feel like your family will never fully accept you and always puts you down. And no matter who they are, no matter how close they are, like, please surround yourself with people who will love you and accept you no matter what. You're going to face challenges no matter what, even from the people who love you. Like my parents, I don't know. I went through so many different ways.

weird phases and every single time they were kind of like what what the hell is she on you know is it right for her let's question a little bit that was you know a little bit um frustrating and you know felt confining to who I was at the time but looking back I understand like that was them just like doing a little check in like hey everything good are you sure is this right for you like let's bounce ideas off of each other that was like their way of checking in but I do know that they love me and they support me and they want to think more than for me to be so incredibly happy and I could not ask for a better situation um but yeah you just got to own that shit you got to own that shit you got to be who you are surround yourself with people who love you for who you are um no

matter what shape or size or form that looks like and yeah i think there is true freedom in being yourself so being the black sheep is really not too terribly bad as long as it means you can be who you are, you know? Honestly, like I said, it was more isolating to try and fit in and try and make everybody happy than it was to just like be who I am. There's always freedom and being who you are, even if there are other combines outside of you. That's why it helps when you surround yourself with people who will always love and affirm you or question you if you need to be questions, but most of the time love and affirm you. Do you have any bad habits per se? Mm hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely.

Definitely. Who doesn't have bad habits? My bad habits, picking up my skin. That's a really bad, like, you know, a normal habit to have. I actually just got short nails for the first time ever. I can never do this again. The way that I've been picking up my skin nonstop since getting them, I have to have Diva XXL acrylics because it literally is like a, declawing myself in a sort of weird sense of the word. I just can't get the right angles to pick up my skin. Picking my skin. Picking my skin. I'm so bad at it.

Okay, interrupting. I'm really bad about interrupting. And I know it's just impulse control. I have like zero impulse control. But I know I just am like so excited and I want to chat and I want to be like, you know, two dumb bitches looking at each other going, yes, yes, girl, yes. Like that's what I want to do. And I've always kind of like presented my active listening as verbal confirmation.

And that is not active listening. You're just talking over them. Like that's what it is. People will be like, why don't you have people in your podcast? I am a bad conversationalist. Actually, I'm going to give myself more credit. I think I'm a fabulous conversationalist. But yes, I have trouble with interrupting people.

And that's why I love having people in my life that are also interruptors. because I feel like we can catch the same flow. You know, we can talk over each other and we can both comprehend what we're saying while we're speaking at the same time and it is the best. I've been the most people that I surround myself with are people who are constantly interrupting me, but also it's like, no, totally, totally, totally. Like I get you. I also would have spit that out if I were you.

But yeah, grand scheme of things interrupting. Recently, my online shopping, I booked those tickets to New Orleans and I said, Mama needs a new wardrobe, which is crazy of me. I am selling, I mean, everything I own on Deepop. So I was like, well, we have some more space. Let's fill it up. If you want to show my Deepop at Smoke says Shadi with two Ys, I'm uploading like daily.

I keep checking my closet. I'm like, I don't need that. Sell it. Upload it. $5. Get it to a good home. I feel like that definitely fits in the theme of impulse control. Yeah, dopamine addiction.

That's a bad habit. Yeah, nothing else really. I don't know. I don't have like the worst bad habits ever. I used to, well, that was mostly drug related, boy related, insecurity related. Now I am getting better. I am getting better.

I have also learned that like, you know how we talk about a lot, like taking a negative and turning into a positive, whether it's an emotion, but also like what about habits? I realize like I have a massive dopamine addiction problem, bitch the phone glued to my fucking eyes. Um, the weed glued to my lips, the drink glued to my hand. Like, you know, shopping, swiping that fucking card. Like, whatever dopamine you can think of, Mama, I have tried it. I've gone after it. But also, like, if you can condition yourself to become chemically addicted to your phone, although it's easier, you can also condition yourself to be addicted to other dopamine, such as like working out. I just joined core power yoga.

Somebody let me know down below if I've just made a massive mistake. But I'm like, I feel. I, feel like I miss, well, I miss working out. I kind of fell off that track a little bit, but I need something a little bit more intense than yoga. I feel like that's great for like rest and relaxation days, like meditation days and like really like slowing down and being intentional. But like I need a good hard ass beating workout. I need a good hard ass beating workout.

And I think that's how core power yoga is. I don't know. But we're going to try that. and see how that goes. And hopefully I can train myself to become chemically addicted to working out. I am going to test my theory and I will let you guys know, but I need to start replacing my negative dopamine addictions with positive ones, with positive ones, positive ones.

That's what I'm working on this season. Instead of getting addicted to male validation, let's get addicted to self-validation. Instead of getting addicted to drinking irresponsibly, let's get addicted to being in bed at 8 p.m. with a yummy snack and a movie. Instead of becoming addicted to online shopping, let's get addicted to selling those clothes. You see what I'm saying? That's the goal. Someone has thoughts on messy drunk slash dealing with them. My roommate doesn't know her limits when we go out. And it makes me not want to go out with her anymore. She like screams at

random people. Oh my God. It gets kicked out of bars often, but not in a fun way. No, that doesn't sound like a fun way. I want to be there for her and make sure she's okay, but I'm at my breaking point with her. Illy. That's hard, especially when it's like a friend and you're like, how do I bring this up to her? You're going to have to be real and honest with her, especially if her behavior is not okay. It's unsafe for everybody around you and it's like a public nuisance. If you are a friend, you have to inform your friends about their bad behaviors. It is what it is. That's why I have friends. That's why I have people in my life.

I trust, I care about, and I appreciate their opinion of me. I think they have good opinions of people. I want them to call me out on my bullshit. And if I was screaming and yelling and being a nuisance in a way that got me physically removed from bars, I've only physically been removed from one bar and it was my 21st birthday after 21 shots. Like, that made sense. That made sense.

But like on an average Saturday night, that should not be happening. And I do think you're going to have to like speak. up about it. I think you're going to have to, and don't do it the day she's hung over. Do it on the Thursday where she's suggesting a Saturday outing because she's had four days to forget about the activities of the night. And you can just be like, hey, girl, listen, I love you so much. But when you get drunk or too drunk, when you get too drunk, you turn into this person that I know is not you. And it actually is a bit dangerous. And so I'd really appreciate it that like if this time we go out this weekend, whatever, if we just go to dinner.

You know, go to dinner, see if she can handle dinner. Then maybe do like dinner and drinks. See if she can handle those. And then you move to maybe just a cocktail situation. And then you move to the going out again. But I do think there is a kind and gentle way where you can bring up people's bad behavior. And since you are a good friend and you have their best intentions in mind, like they should be receptive of it.

I think people should be receptive of like maybe what their friends think about them. I think that is good and important. Okay. I think you should be if your friends ever come to you and are like, hey, we don't like this. If your family ever comes to you and is like, hey, we don't like this. It's okay to be receptive to criticism. You don't always have to take criticism. But especially something like this, it's like as a friend, you do have to tell them

that you're uncomfortable with the positions that they put you in when they are inebriated. and that maybe you kind of like want to rein things back a little bit. That's an option. Or you can just not go out with her. Doesn't mean she shouldn't go out or you should be sneaky or not invite her, go behind her back. But like maybe you're just like, hey, actually I'm going out with different people. Or you stop going out for a little bit or whatever it is.

But I think the best way to go about it is to. Yeah, be like, hey girl. I can't I can't be in charge of you every. single time we go out it's unfair like i want to get fucked up too um and like maybe we can have more of a chill night this night see how it goes see how it goes but i know a lot of those i definitely was that girl for a long time but luckily the older you get the less that's an issue it's a very common thing when you're like just learning how to drink especially like just fresh 21 just fresh young person it's hard to know how to behave yourself but with practice you'll understand

understand and with guidance you will understand what does my perfect rot day look like oh okay I just had one of those um actually this Sunday mama I was rotting I was rotting I was rotting I was rotting I was one with the bed actually I was the queen size bed and it was fabulous oh my goodness um I actually went out with my coworkers this weekend. And I've kind of been on like a going out kick. I don't know what it is. I just have been like, you know what, I'm young. Let's go out. Let's party. Let's have a good time. I don't party like I used to. I've learned my boundaries. I've learned like I do want to be functional the next day. But it's so hot out and my job is so physically exhausting. and I was just like, first of all, dehydrated, second all of all, hadn't eaten enough food,

third of all, then drink. Like, I drink a normal amount. I didn't like go overboard, but I drank and I was up till 3 a.m. And I only got five hours of sleep. Sunday, it was like, nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. So here's what my rot day looks like. You think I would start it with coffee?

No, if I'm hungover, I cannot drink coffee. I can't my body physically cannot consume it I don't know why probably not for the best for me anyways but I just I try and skip the coffee if I'm going to have a rot day because I can't have anxiety and lay in bed like if I'm going to have a caffeine high I need to be physically moving and grooving and rot days are not for physically moving and grooving so I usually skip coffee I usually will if I'm going to do any sort of like chores because I can't actually have a rot day I do need to do like one thing otherwise like like the self-hatred will be too, too, too, too high. Whether it's like picking up the clothes off my floor and that's it. Ordering groceries, that's it. You know, doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, whatever it is. I do like at least one thing. So like I said, the self-hatred doesn't kick in.

You got to just do one small thing. Whether it's, oh my God, I haven't showered into it. Let me shower. Let me change my sheets. Let me put a load of laundry in. Let me pick up groceries. Like just, just do one thing. That's my only PSA.

It's my only healthy PSA for a rot day. Just do one thing. Now, I do like to have a really good meal on a rot day. Usually my rot day order is a fat assed Chipotle burrito, guac on the side, chips on the side. And then a full water bottle. It's usually my rot day meal. I did do that. I love a good movie.

We watched The Skeleton Key. That was so good. I've been in a scary movie kick. And if I am going to be on my phone. if I am going to be in bed, I have to have a movie on in the background. It makes me feel like I'm actually like in rest mode, in chill mode.

At the very least on rot days, like we're going to shower, we're going to brush our teeth, we're going to put on a clean change of clothes, if you're going to lay in bed, try not to lay in bed too dirty. I don't like getting in bed dirty. I have to like clean my body

if I'm going to crawl into bed. That's just from like the acne, trauma of it all. I hung up these mood lights, these color LED changing mood lights in my room. So I like to turn those on a cozy vibe. The overhead lights do not turn on on a rot day. I keep the lighting low and chill and like, you know, ambient. I like a little yellow and pink moment right now in my bedroom. I shut all the blinds in my house because no one needs to see me sludging around. my house and then I do what you do best on a rod day I do absolutely nothing I do absolutely nothing I scroll my phone I maybe pick up a book I maybe pick up a paint

brush but usually I'm like on and off napping I'm watching a movie I'm maybe making a mood board I'm scrolling on Pinterest on my laptop and I'm chilling chillin and it's the best I am gonna have the rest this day as a rock day actually after I get all of my work done editing and I literally cannot wait it's going to be so good oh everybody needs a rot day every once in a while you know it's a great way of resetting it's a great way of recharging you can do all the fun fabulous things like meditation and working out and green juice and smoothie and you know love love sometimes you need to lay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing.

And that is also completely and utterly valid. Side quest is so hard. I'm training to be a yoga teacher now, but still can't find the true motivation to live. I have so many side quests constantly, but nothing I do seems to make me feel like, yeah, it's good to be alive. And I can't wait to live another 60 years.

Like, no, the thought of that is just draining. I am medicated and have PTSD. So how do you find that motivation? Any advice? Hmm. Well, I do think there's something to be said. about doing so many side quests and so many hobbies to the point where it's like you kind of avoiding your life. But also it's like if you find yourself in that spiral, you are kind of

living for the excitement of the next side quest. And I think sometimes that's just that's your life's purpose. You know, that's what makes you excited in life. Some people are excited about settling down and having children. Some people. Some people are excited about, you know, having their own farm, raising their own animals. Cool. Some people are excited. by side questing and finding new hobbies and finding no activities and putting themselves in new avenues and whatever and like that is fine and dandy as well like um i think we sometimes see this idea of like life passion life purpose motivation excitement for life and we assume it's supposed to be this all-consuming positive aspect of just like radiating love and heat

and every day is a beautiful, wonderful day, but like, that's just not how it is. Sometimes, like, the motivation or the meaning or the life purpose, life excitement behind it is just like, I'm curious about what comes next. I'm curious. I'm curious. I genuinely am curious, you know, like if I've done this much in this short amount of time,

you have side-quested, you're trying new things, you're trying new avenues. You're a yoga teacher right now. Love it. That's cool. That's awesome. That's wonderful. But like who knows where you will be in 60 years?

And I think it's the curiosity that keeps people going. Especially if you feel like you have no plan or no purpose or no whatever. Like you, you aren't sure what comes at 60. Baby, no one's sure what comes at 60. Nobody knows. But it's the curiosity that should keep you going of like, wow, I'm doing this really cool fucking thing at this age. and at this rate in which I'm growing, whether I feel like I'm growing or not, I promise you

you're growing and changing in a positive rate. That is only an uphill, like, positive graph. Okay, you're only going up, I promise you. Even if it feels like you're down, it's like stocks where it's like down up, down up, down up, until you're like at the tippy, tippy top. You will get to that tippy tippy top that is the end of the road of life or whatever. But it's also like, who knows what I'm going to be doing? and I'm so excited to find out.

Like I cannot wait to meet 60 year old Hannah. She's going to be such a fucking vibe. I can't wait to meet 30 year old Hannah. Like that's not too far away. And I'm so curious about what's going on. And who knows? Like I said, who knows? I did not think I would have a horse this time last year.

Now I do. And it's like, that's so beautiful. That's wonderful. I cannot wait to see what comes next. Who knows what 40 year old Hannah is going to be like? Who knows what 90 year old Hannah is going to be like? It's going to be so cool to meet those different versions of myself to see what I've achieved, to see what I do, to see the good and the bad that I've gone through and just be like, cool,

did that. Love it. I figured out what it is, whatever that curiosity is, whatever that idea of life is. Like, I'm going to get to those points and that's what makes it exciting. And that might seem like a mundane way of explaining life, but I think it's real as fuck. I think it's real as fuck. Like I said, this whole idea of like, life, purpose, life, passion, ever-flowing life coming out of you, burning bright as the sun.

It's like, if you don't feel that, that can feel very, like, demeaning to your life. And it's okay if you don't feel that. But I do think it is kind of just like you have to garner that curiosity in life. And living the life that you're just, like, curious about or allowing yourself to pursue in a positive manner will make that process easier. Obviously, you are, you know, you're. following some passions, you're getting into yoga, you're trying things out, you're seeing if you like them, love it. It doesn't mean, maybe you haven't found that thing, that passion, that spark, whatever it is yet, but also it's like, you'll get there. And with time,

you'll grow and you'll change and there'll be new inspiration, there will be new invigoration, and like I said, upwards graph, I promise you. And I, I'm sure you're curious about who you're going to be at 30. You're not supposed to have the answers right now because you will at 30. I'm sure you're curious who you're going to be at 60. Like genuinely like good, bad, ugly, whatever. Like, I'm curious. I'm curious. Like, it's like a chapter that you're trying to get to. So you're just reading the pages faster and faster. It's like you got to get to that chapter. It'll be so worth it, especially if you take the time right now to like check out your passions and try them out. You'll be that cool 60 year old that will be like, yeah, remember when I was 25 and did yoga teacher training and was a yoga teacher for a while?

It's like, fuck yeah, I love that side quest. Super fun. Remember when I started taking horseback riding lessons and got my own horse? Crazy wild. Love it. Story of my life. You are living currently the stories of your life. But to understand the broad aspect of the influence of the novel of your life, you must see it through. You can't stop at chapter two. And chapter two is, basically just 20 years old if you really think about it we're babies we're babies we're babies we're babies if you don't have that passion if you don't have that spark that's okay all right you'll get there you'll get there but for now we must see it out and see it through and the best way that makes sense for us possible but with that being said thank you for being here so i've been a little bit moody

i don't know i don't know it's gotten into me girlie needs a shower in a decompression session A sap. And you deserve that too. I hope you guys have a fabulous rest of your week. Please keep your head on straight. Please sit down and don't say everything that's on your mind. You don't need to do that. Surround yourself with people who love you. Accept yourself for who you are because you're beautiful and wonderful and you should be around people who also accept you. Don't do anything crazy or impulsive. Okay. Do things that call to you and call to your soul. Those are the important things to be doing right now. And don't let your emotions take a hold of you. Remember, we are in control of our emotions, and sometimes you've got to choose the positive

for ourselves, despite what we want to do. But with that being said, if you want to see more for me, join the Patreon, patreon.com smoke slashorety. Like I said, monthly forecast, um, astrology updates, early vlogs and extra podcast episodes. I really, really, really try and make that worth your money. I just want to make sure you're getting the most content as possible, truly. But if you can't, no pressure. You just being here and listening is, it means so much to me, truly, honestly.

If you want to see the vlogs, those are out every Sunday. If you're ever bedriding on a Sunday, they're fabulous to watch at Hannah Marlene 444 on YouTube. I think I'm going to do a thrift vlog this week because I have about eight bags of clothes I need to donate. So we might get stoned to go to the thrift store. It'll be super fun. And if you want to see what I'm up to, any sort of recipes, activities, life updates, those will all be up on Instagram as well as where you can submit your questions for the week. But with that being said, stay sane, stay sexy, and I'll see you all so soon.