Smoke Sesh - college drop out, empath, quitting the vape & daily habits

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Hiiii hotties of the world hope you’re all doing amazing on this beautiful Tuesday, so excited to be back with another episode of Smoke Sesh! First of all, if you want merch follow me on instagram @hannahmarlene for the release of baby tees in a couple of weeks. We jump right into it talking about nicotine and vaping, and how to break the god awful habit. How to look towards the future and creating bucket lists for the seasons, empathy and being an empath while setting boundaries, bartending, serving, and why I love it, Halloween costume ideas, first year of college tips and tricks, body positivity, 24 year old teenage girl and new adult freshness, focusing on you! Why I smoke, college drop out and why I regret it, asking for help, academia, attracting love, daily habits, taking care of yourself, cotton mouth, tumblr, plugs, to date or not to date, and blow job tips and tricks plus much much muchhhhh more thank you all for being here and being you I can’t wait to be back next week for so much more fun! MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know? Just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. good morning hotties of the world oh my god how how are we doing i hope you all are feeling well refreshed bright and beautiful on this amazing little tuesday morning i I obviously just opened this app to start recording and I just realized we have hit 2 million listens. Isn't that fucking crazy? 2 million. 2 million. 2 million plays of this

podcast. And I'm not talking you hit play and then you stop. That doesn't count as a play. I'm talking 2 million times people have listened to this podcast for over an hour which is absolutely mind-boggling to me and insane to think about and I am just so incredibly grateful to be here hanging out with you guys every single week sharing the tea hanging out getting deep into some questions there's honestly nothing I look forward to more than this every single week and you guys showing up for me makes it easier for me to show up for you guys so thank you so much for listening thank you so much for being here i'm so excited to dive into today's episode um i am surprisingly so full of energy considering i was up till 2 a.m last night drinking two

bottles of wine with my friend and puzzling oh my god am i 80 am i 80 listen it's all about balance like some days I need to go blackout at a rave and get lost in the streets till 4am and some days I need to just like chug a bottle of wine and do some puzzles with my friend like life is all about balance honestly um and it was really nice I'm surprised I didn't wake up as hungover as I should have been considering oh my god I don't know wine makes me just so incredibly hungover in the morning I think it's just the sugar alcohol content that is really what affects me when it comes to being hungover that's why I like my vodka soda but wine like I'm gonna have a splitting headache in the morning and today the universe said girls got shit to do we can't we

can't give her that so had my little chai I'm all comfy cozy on my couch ready to hang out this weekend i went to the renaissance fair got all dressed up cute little princess vibes it was so fun it was such a beautiful day out i got fucked up on some mead i never had mead before but like tis the season if i'm at the renaissance fair of course i'm gonna have like nine of them got super fucked up watched a joust talked to some interesting characters had a little laugh it was a blast if you have a Renaissance Faire in your area I really recommend going the vibes are just perfect because it's once you're like it's always a bunch of weirdos out and I find comfort in people who are just so authentically themselves even if it's like a little funny I'm

like I love that that you made a full suit of armor in your basement and is wearing it out like i'm obsessed with that you go king you know anyways now i am ready to get on with my week i gotta do some halloween shopping do some prep to prepare my space for halloween do some celebrating i've been binging all my spooky scary movies um and then i'm gonna go get tacos and marks with my friend tonight so your girl is booked and busy and just running towards the future um if you don't follow me on instagram do that right now at hannah marlene because you guys have been begging and asking after the last merch drop which was like actual merch like a hoodie like a year ago which is crazy and i sold out in a day which is psychotic and thank you all

so much I that was such a fun project to do um but I am releasing something new coming very soon and I'm so excited for it um I'm making baby tees and they're gonna be completely different than whatever you you have seen um from me before and I'm so excited to share it with you but they will be released in like honestly a week two weeks so follow me because that's where i will be um posting the link and really showing you what's going on and what i have planned for you i'm so excited also if i'm a little raspy this morning it's because i hit a vape for the first time a couple times in like for the first time in the past like four years and you're like Hannah what I know you're all like clutching your vapes as we speak and you're like excuse me yeah I used to be

like a chronic vapor well I started with cigarettes because I of course grew up in high school and like the tumblr grunge era where it was like I put the killing thing between my teeth but I don't give it the power to do the killing like you guys know the vibes but i was actually like chiefing on some cigarettes um and then i moved to vapes because i worked in a restaurant and like cigarettes are great when you work in a restaurant you get to go outside take your little break but then you're all smelly and also like i don't want a full cigarette like i just want a couple puffs um so so then i switched to vapes for like three years like i was vaping until i was 20 so from 17 to 18 cigarettes 18 to 20 vapes and then I cut them out of my life

not intentionally I just really started associating because I was in like my blackout party phase and your girl was ripping that nicotine when I was blacked out and it really just sent me into more of like a like a spiral the death spiral of drunkenness where you feel like you are in a helicopter spinning towards the earth um yeah the nicotine just really added to that so every time i hit nicotine i just thought about that moment and it made me nauseous so i like unintentionally intentionally cut it out of my life that along with moving back into my parents house where it's just like i couldn't vape because my mom would walk upstairs and she'd be like why does this smell like blue raspberry and i'd have to be like um it's my new perfume you

know like she's not stupid she wasn't playing games um yeah and that shit has me fucked up like i hit it maybe three times last night and my throat is like raw sahara desert so i wanted to give you guys some practical tips on ways to cut out vapes from your life because you guys need to be freed from the shackles of vaping honestly like a it is going to give you the worst skin of your life which for me personally who takes someone who takes my skin very seriously because i've had so many problems that's why it's so important to me like i have suffered with acne for such a long time when I tell you looking back on the time where I was vaping I looked five years older than I was and I was getting the worst breakouts of my entire life simply because of vaping like I wasn't

that stressed I'm like thinking about other factors that could go into it no it was the nicotine and I know this because I have like a video on my laptop of me like hitting a vape and then blowing a fat cloud and the cloud disperses and i'm like looking at my face and i'm like wow girl like oh no you will have the worst skin of your life and that just goes without saying it breaks down the collagen in your skin the vapor that you blow then blows back into your face and those particles break down the skin on your face it is going to age you it is just all around not good along with other health problems that it brings you don't want to hear about that i get it but if you're trying to cut it out and this goes with weed nicotine anything where it's like a um a habitual

thing within your routine that you have a hard time cutting out you can't go cold turkey i simply don't believe in cold turkey like i do not have the willpower for that and if i don't have the willpower for that i'm assuming everybody listening to this also doesn't have the willpower for that like i get it there's nothing wrong with you you don't have to go cold turkey if you don't think it's gonna work so you need to find something that is like an equal but lesser replacement okay I've seen those like fake um vape sticks I don't know what to call them like literally fake vape cartridges that there's no nicotine in them but you can still like puff on flavored air which is basically what it's all about I could see those working for sure but I genuinely believe

the best thing you can replace it with is you need to get and this is such a strange recipe but I know it works because as soon as I bought one of these water bottles it also coincided when I was quitting um vaping and I really think it helped my brain transition back into a normal phase and that is a specifically for me hydro flask water bottle with a straw lid okay I'm talking the square rectangular flip up straw lids okay i'm not talking a stanley cup i'm not talking a circle chewy kind of straw i'm talking the flip up hard square um straw lids because you need to have that thing filled with ice cold water all the time and then whenever you need to do that like hand-to-mouth kind of experience that you are so used to you have something to replace it with

and a you're going to replace it with something healthy such as water which is going to fix your insides and repair your skin barrier the ice cold water is going to shock your brain the same way nicotine does and you're going to get that hand-to-mouth feel that you are so desperately craving i really think it is such a helpful tool put in flavored water oh my god you love blue raspberry vapes cool get some blue raspberry kool-aid put it in your water bottle like i genuinely believe this is a great way to do it also you have to be in a place like where you're not going to be tempted so like if you are going through something such as a tea break or like hey I'm not vaping anymore tell your friends tell the people around you so that when you're drunk at 2

a.m and you're like let me hate everybody they're like nope you told me earlier not to let you do this so I'm gonna hold you accountable and if they're a true friend they will hear your goals and trying to make those goals um achievable for you so make sure the people around you you're like off limits I'm quitting do not let me hit this shit please if you're gonna hit it like maybe do it away from me you're like turning your back you know nothing crazy but please help me along this journey if they're real friends they will help they will absolutely um but yeah my god my throat's like crying at this point speaking of which i think i need a bomb rip anyways moral of the story like thinking back especially last night after hitting it for the first time in forever thinking

back on how I was like a chronic smoker I'm talking wake up hit the vape go to bed wake up in the middle then I hit the vape like a problem I thought I never could quit and then finally one day I really just got like sick of it I was tired of spending money I was tired of constantly doing it I feel like it was impeding on my life and for a while it felt like something that I really couldn't change but if you're dedicated and you set boundaries for yourself and you really show up for yourself you can honestly do anything literally anything um including quitting your nicotine um addiction anyways let's hit this bong cheers oh my god i also god damn

i went to a baseball game for the first time in like ever all my friends moved back into town and i kind of realized holy shit i've just been living inside which is great not gonna lie like I love doing my own thing being on my own yeah I really value and appreciate my alone time but also I value and appreciate my time with my friends and getting out of my comfort zone and doing all these new things recently has been such a breath of fresh air um so it was like dollar hot dog night at the royal stadium we ate like four hot dogs I had like two beers not even a beer a quirk a seltzer you know um and we watched a baseball game crazy I really am just trying to get all of my like end of summer activities done one of the homework homework activities I gave the

girlies on my patreon was come up with like a fall bucket list I always do these for the seasons this is a great habit that you can do within your own life especially if you find yourself sitting around and being like I have nothing to do and I'm really bored and I don't know what to do i get that way so often especially with my adhd even though there's so many different things that i want to do as soon as i think about what i want to do i have no idea so every season marking of the season like the fall equinox spring equinox whenever it may be i am very intentional to sit down and make a list of you know a little bucket list for the season or different things that i want to accomplish during this time um and on it was things like i want to go to a baseball game i

want to go to the renaissance fair um i want to decorate my house for halloween i want to watch all the scary movies i have on my list um i want to dress up i need to paint my nails red tis the season little things like that um it's kind of just fun it's like a game i how many things can i accomplish in a season it also keeps me on track to keep looking forward to keep having fun and to keep pushing myself and getting myself out into the real world and experiencing it instead of locking myself away indoors as much as i enjoy it like rapunzel i get you being in a tower ain't too bad um i do need to escape and experience the real world every once in a while so having a little bucket list is so nice and i really recommend making your own hi hannah um something i've

really been struggling with recently is carrying on to people's emotions holding on to them I'm an empath but I'm also somebody who's really open and when people talk to me it's really a safe space so a lot of people talk to me about their emotions and treat me as their therapist but I have a hard time not holding on to their emotions and taking them on with me throughout the day so how should I go about this and how can I get better at not latching on to those emotions thanks so much love you okay listen I'm an empath too so I hear you and I understand you like this is a safe space always if people want to come to me I'm so down for that but also as a empath I know empaths have awful boundary sending skills we're awful at it we are we're open we hear you

we want to be there for people we're people pleasers in a sort of sense we are awful at boundary setting so your challenge is to simply set boundaries if you are in a mood or you are in a state where you know you can't handle being emotionally dumped on right now then tell that person it's okay to not have the time to do this right now it's okay to not be in the right mental space to take on that right now and you need to understand that that is okay and valid you know like don't be hard on yourself you don't have to be the punching bag for everybody else you got to learn to stand up for yourself to understand your boundaries to understand when this is a good conversation to have when it can be productive and when it's not productive and when it's just

going to be emotional burden for your for the rest of your day so practice boundary setting it's okay to understand when you're not in a headspace to take something on and that's not you being rude that's not you being um not showing up for a friend or not showing up for a person that's you showing up for yourself you need to start being an empath towards yourself and how you feel switch it around you are good at picking up at emotions start picking up your own start picking up what you need not what other people need now I know why you're here I know you've got so many questions I feel like in the past episode or so I've really deep dived into some topics which really isn't saying a lot like I'll talk for like seven minutes about a topic when

people do podcast episodes about like like I love a deep dive where it's like one topic for an hour and a half fantastic but sometimes my adhd brain cannot keep up so i'm trying to get through as many questions as i can today and get to so many of you because i feel bad because there's so many questions that i want everybody everybody to be like heard and listened to so starting off um any tips for getting into bartending or serving i honestly i love bartending and serving i'm not gonna lie like it's a love hate relationship and it kind of sucks in a way because I feel like some people look down on it but I'm like I'm hot I'm young I'm 24 I'm doing my thing like who cares I'm making money I'm having fun that's all that really matters for now like of course I have a

five-year plan of course I'm working towards it but it's a great job if you're like in an in-between spot in your life if you need some quick cash if you need a very adjustable schedule if you are in school I did this while I was a full-time art student um and it really helped me get through that time have something to look forward to and a way to make money so I could keep having fun um and now it's a pretty reliable job whenever I need some money um it gives me a nice little weekly balance and it's helping me work towards my goals so honestly I love bartending and I love serving tip number one if you're looking for a spot I really recommend looking at the menu price point okay you need to find a place that's in a good in-between stage I

personally am not a like fine dining server I can't put up with those people I have too much of attitude and I'm so sorry but it's like when you scream at me for setting your fork down wrong i'm gonna lose my mind on you love you i can't handle it like i can't and i understand that boundary so i don't even try so i work in a pretty like middle ground restaurant where the dishes price points are like 15 to 25 and i know checks are on average between 50 and 150 dollars for two to four people so i know that people are coming in i know it's going to be a busy place and i know with every table that i have i'm bound to make some money that is a great great way to look at restaurants if you are curious um if they're going to be a good place to work if you're going

to make any money uh places where it's very heavily corporate such as like cheesecake factory or things like that i think those are good starting places but i think they burn people out quickly because they are just very very busy all the time but if you need money if you need just like a couple shifts a week i think those are great places to work you are definitely going to make money it's constantly busy there but also you have to keep that in mind when working um being a server is easy to shop in the world you just have to be nice kind get their food out to them on time ask for tips don't be afraid to ask for help um if you have no experience you can start as a host and then negotiate and be like i will host for you but i want you to also train me

as a server within the next month um to at least get me on the floor soon people are very willing to work with you if you show up and put your all into it they're very willing to help you move up um and yeah i have nothing but gratefulness for my restaurant and being able to work there and having a good manager having a good manager really makes or breaks anywhere that you work not even the restaurant industry literally anywhere if your manager sucks everything else is gonna suck and i have really lucked out where like the past three managers i've had have been fantastic boss bitch ladies um and that is exactly what i'm looking for because i need a bad bitch to back me up when people are yelling at me you know what i mean anyways i recommend it i think it's a

very flexible amazing workplace um it also really helps me get out of my shell i talk a lot about how i was a shy kid about how i literally couldn't look people in the eyes like i had a hard time working here to begin with and then i realized like these people don't give a fuck like they just want to get to their table like it doesn't matter it matters what i say but it's like stop overthinking it just be nice put on a little smile say your p's and q's get things moving it really is kind of a game in that sort of sense um and it really helps me break out of my shell um to really understand how I want to act and communicate with people even on days now where I'm feeling a little anti-social I do find it nice to get out of the house and um have some

interesting conversations and put myself out there a little bit and then get rewarded with money what's better than that so if you're a shy person you really need some exposure therapy be a host be a server something like that i think it's a great option to really practice that craft and hone in on it because i know this job being on my feet constantly working quickly thinking on my toes having to be um juggling a bunch of different tables and projects and drinks and appetizers and being physically strong enough to put up chairs and clean and mop there are so many little things that go to this job that people don't think about that I think in the future and currently being somebody who works for myself as well really translates to make a good worker and

make a hard worker not only for yourself but for other people and I think it's fantastic little starting job 10 out of 10 recommend love all my bartenders and servers out there don't go crazy don't let the customer drive you crazy if somebody is being rude my favorite thing to do is being is to say i'm not dealing with this and i walk away and i have my manager deal with it because i don't have time for that and i understand my worth even in my workplace very important thing to remember not me saying i'm gonna get through these quickly and then going on a seven minute rant anyways next one is anybody else thinking overtime about halloween like i have it's almost october how many days we have let me check the calendar it is tuesday the 26th we have

four days before well five including today before october 1st and i don't have a halloween costume yet last year all year i was like i'm sailor moon i'm sailor moon i'm gonna be sailor moon and honestly slayed that costume so cute amazing love it might wear it again this year just because i'm going to a rave and i feel like it's such a cute perfect running around rave costume you know but some other ideas that i've had that i figured i would throw your way i feel like any pop star is always such a fantastic move um you know britney spears uh christina aguilera the pussycat dolls any of the Spice Girls you can be Hannah Montana you can be Miley Cyrus you could be literally any pop star is such a good idea me and my friends were like maybe we will all be different Britney

Spears like all different eras how fun is that there's so many iconic costumes I felt on that such like a deep rabbit hole of just like hmm these outfits are fucking insane like Destiny's oh my god um these outfits are insane and the wardrobe collection they had is iconic and there is an abundance of outfits for you to possibly put together i'm also going to rave on halloween so i was like maybe a little alice in wonderland vibe like you know falling down the rabbit hole everybody's on mushrooms around me or some sort of drug like alice in wonderland so cute cute little blue dress get like a little bunny backpack like I kind of love that vibe I feel like if I was going to a bigger like more production-y rave I might do that but this year I'm kind of going for

chill kind of comfort you know nothing crazy comfort at raves is the most important thing ever of course cute but you gotta find that sweet spot or else you're gonna be real uncomfortable cool um i also thought about being a clown i feel like that's very classic and you can be like a cute clown a scary clown a harley quinn clown like you can do like a matching clown couples costume i feel like that's so perfect so easy there's so many different like makeup inspiration ideas that you can do if you are very into makeup and makeup artistry i wish i just am not which is why i'm like maybe I won't be a clown this year can I pull it off who knows might try I also thought about oh like a classic Marilyn Monroe I love the like classic icons costumes um I also thought

about being a Marie Antoinette but then once again I'm going to rave and like I can't wear a giant wig on my head so uncomfortable but all my Marie Antoinette girlies that was so cute uh so many different ideas but those are my current ones that i have in my vault who knows what i'll end up going as um but that's what i've been pondering all day today i'm like i need to place an order somewhere for some sort of costume i need to get that done on my checklist next someone asked what to be ready for for your first year of college i think you need to simply like i'm not going to give you a packing list i'm not going to tell you you know one through ten this is what you need to do the simple most important thing that you need to be ready for for your first year of college

is you need to be ready to feel uncomfortable and not in a scary way i'm not trying to freak you out here you are just going to be in such a new environment you're going to be taking new classes the class loads are going to be completely different than anything you've ever experienced you're also going to be on your own schedule there's no mom there to call you and wake you up and get you on the bus um you're also around completely new people completely new environment different things going on it's your first time being an adult it's going to be uncomfortable at first you're not going to know what to do period point blank and the only way to know what you need to do in this situation is to feel the uncomfortableness and try anyways and to really

just put yourself first through it all that is the best thing to do during your first year of college um no one knows what they're doing everybody is simply just trying if you need help ask for it but you will get through it you just have to be willing to be a little uncomfortable oh okay i like this question someone asked um self-love and how to love my body please i love you i love you um so recently i feel like a lot of my self-love and my personal body positivity has not come from like affirmations or you know sayings or really like hyper positivity in that sort of sense but it's simply come from my everyday actions um and how i treat my body in an everyday sense um so little things such as like making sure i'm eating well and cooking

myself really nice meals and meal planning and making sure i'm fed so that my brain can function so that i don't hate on myself more that has been a fantastic way to really honor and treat my body on a daily level um as well as a little self-care routine like i really love a good face mask once a week or a nice skincare routine i love like a sugar body scrub to honor my body or just simply like a long fucking bath so I can watch a movie um that has also been a fantastic way to honor my body and uplift my uh self-love and body positivity um I feel like a lot of the times we take how we dress for granted it's like yeah I gotta wear this to work because I have to wear like corporate casual or I have a uniform that I have to work in if you're in the restaurant industry like you get

it you know but still there's like fun little twists you can take on it and then honoring the days off you have where you can express your style if that's something you care about doing um that is something i've really had a fun time playing with is just simply wearing clothes i enjoy and not only enjoy but also that i'm comfortable in listen your girl's getting thick she's got an ass now like i was trying to squeeze into all these jeans that i simply didn't fit in anymore so i was like you know what we're gonna take a moment we're gonna buy new jeans that fit that are comfortable that look cute you know so then we're not constantly thinking i don't fit into this i don't fit into this um robes such a fun casual way to just like drape your body and

lounge around in if you need something to wear during the middle of the day um or at night before you go to bed simple things such as this I feel like has really done a switch in my mind to really focus on the positive and do it in a way where it's not hyper focusing on my body but it's like all these activities are like body adjacent if that makes sense and in turn pushes positivity onto my body which is something that I don't usually like to focus on focusing on it in adjacent ways honoring your body in a everyday sense through what you do um and not taking it for granted i am really grateful to be here to be human to have this vessel and i'm gonna do what i can with it while i got it you know hey hannah so i know you follow size swoon and the

other day she posted something about um like teenage girlhood like and adulthood like kind of the lines becoming a little bit blurred um and I just was wondering your thoughts on that because I feel like it's been a very prevalent thing especially the last like couple months to be like oh I'm just a 23 year old teen girl and I just don't know if that's the healthiest mindset for adult women to be in so I just was wondering your thoughts on like sharing online spaces with teens and like maybe ways to do that more responsibly and like I guess just your thoughts I'm curious I want to know uh anyway yeah I love you love the pod can't believe it's been almost two years since it started you've got to do something fun for

the two-year anniversary anyway love you bye I did see that and I feel like it is a great conversation to have and my view on the oh I'm just a 24 year old teenage girl is not like I'm not like I know I'm not mentally living as a teenager like I'm not interacting with teenagers I know I'm a young adult it is just generations have completely changed like if you think about it my grandma was having babies at 19 women are forced to grow up at such a young age and now I feel like most women after seeing that go through generations and now we're here we don't want that a majority of women do not want to be a mother at 19 they don't want to be a wife at 19 we have extended the childhood almost of women to like 30 making the 20s your new teenage year which is why

I think that oh I'm just a 22 24 year old teenage girl is so prevalent right now because we kind of are like although we are not teenagers and we have made it through that stage we still have that youthfulness and we're taking advantage of that youthfulness and we're taking advantage of being a little chaotic during this time and learning more about ourselves and developing in the same way that you did as a teenager just in a new era of your life and I love it honestly and I feel like people are also realizing that we wanted to grow like when you're a teenager you want to be grown you know you're in your parents house you want to be an adult you don't want to be a mother a wife it's different you want to be an adult you want to have freedom then you get

this freedom and you realize you know nothing and you enter like the young adult stage which is very similar to the teenage years except for you have access to everything that you wanted as a teenager and you miss childhood so it's like the opposite in a sense but you're still learning about yourself in the same way you are still trying new things maybe you're still in school you're still going to clubs you're still doing activities it is very similar and it is a great time for growth and discovery and I love it and I feel like people honoring their teenage selves during this time is really just them honoring their um honoring their current self and really learning about their true self and who they want to be and I think that's beautiful but yeah no like 22 24 year old

teenage girl you know they know they're not teenagers you know they're not like oh i want to be a 17 year old and interact with 17 year olds like no no no no one in their 20s thinks that everybody in their 20s wants to act or like interact with people their age and if you are a 20 something year old and you're interacting with teenagers that is weird there's nothing weirder than the like college person who shows up as a date to prom like what the fuck are you doing with your life actually that's crazy to me obviously we are in a different stage in our lives and we're just trying to find a new way to find inspiration and to develop ourselves more and understand ourselves more and i think it's quite beautiful that women are not being forced to grow

up at such a young age anymore and we do have more time to explore ourselves and just discover more things about ourselves and to really take time to get our to get to know ourselves because so many women become trapped at such a young age especially for men and that is so so terrifying don't worry you got time enjoy it while you can honor yourself discover new things about yourself it's a fun time i love self-exploration someone asked how do i not catch feelings during my feral girl era lmao i am a cancer for some context okay i love the feral girl era but it has to be the key point of feral girl era and just like being in your chaotic era is it's completely and utterly focused on yourself it is that's what it's about you're exploring yourself you're

exploring the world you're trying new things things you never thought you would like things that you do think you like but you can't base this around boys or girls i don't know whoever you're hooking up with you can't base it around them it has to be based around you and i think when you switch that mindset like when that realization comes to you immediately lose feelings you're like oh yeah no like do I actually like them probably not I think I just like hooked up with them a couple of times and I'm trying to convince myself there's something that it's not you got to focus on yourself what do you need where do you want to go who do you want to be with set hard limitations for yourself and the people around you and also have fun when you're having

fun it shouldn't be about oh I'm going out to go find a boy at the bar it's like no I'm going out to go cause chaos and make memories with my friends and with myself like I don't care what happens at the end of the night my goal is not to find a person that ends up with me my goal is not to be the manic pixie dream girl my goal is to really just focus on myself and have some chaotic good fun um and yeah you have to base it on yourself and you little cancer I know you have a hard time being selfish I do I hear you and I get that and I know you fall in love easily which is why you you have to stop focusing on the hookup aspect of it and you got to start focusing on the making memories being a little crazy trying new things stop focusing on the people and appeasing

them and start focusing on you and appeasing yourself oh my god someone simply asked me why do you smoke question mark and it's kind of sending me into a spiral i'm like no no why do i smoke like hmm like is it a habit that it's just like an everyday part of my life like does it aid in my creativity does it truly help me you know chill the fuck out the same way like a glass of wine would and i think it's honestly a mix of all of them um it's something that i've been doing for a while of course but i've taken pretty long breaks when i need to such as like year-long breaks when i need to couple years like weed comes in and out of my life based on i think if it is appropriate for me to be using it the same way alcohol does um and right now my life

i'm in a very creative self-exploratory period of my life and the creativity i think weed always helps that for me especially as a ADHD girly one of the biggest things I learned when I was going through all my therapy and my psychiatric evaluations and they were questioning me on why I smoke as well one of my doctors brought up that a lot of ADHD people self-medicate with weed to slow down their thoughts and to regulate them and i think that's why i use it a lot which i guess i could be just like on adhd medication it would fix it but i think it's a healthier kind of way to do it um i think it's a great way to chill out at the end of the night for me personally for me personally like getting drunk is not my go-to way of just like relaxing um i see weed the

same way i see like a bubble bath every once in a while um and yeah i also love sharing it with friends and using it as a way to connect with other people not that i need it for that like i don't i don't base my whole life around weed as much as i used to i've been the little stoner hippie girl before don't you worry literally so embarrassing i think when i was younger like my bio on tinder was like i'm the girl at the party or i'm the girl you find at the party sitting in the corner smoking weed talking about the universe like i used to be that girl like weed was my personality and weed can't be your personality but i get falling into that when you are young the same way you know college age kids be alcohol becomes their personality like i

understand you're young your brain's still developing substances are fun and a big part of your life but you grow out of that quickly because you realize that's lame like you realize basing your whole life on weed is not always the most productive way to live it's a great you know adjuster and addition but it's not who you are when you base your life on a substance that's when the spiral starts happening but using it as like you know a creative muse such as like oh I just want to get a little stony and I want to get a little creative and let my thoughts flow in a podcast boom here I am maybe I want to smoke and paint because it's something that chills me out at the end of the night boom amazing but why do I smoke now I think it's

mainly for those reasons um it is very much so a creative tool that I use and I've been in the points in my life where it's like definitely not a creative tool um and I think this is honestly a great question that everybody if you do smoke or if you drink or any sort of substances ask yourself why do I do this and then honestly try and list out the bullet points of truthfully why you do it um and I think honestly that's a great question for you to kind of readjust and re-evaluate your relationship with weed or with alcohol or whatever it may be because sometimes you're using it for a way that you know is bad and until you ask yourself why do you do it and why do you initiate this feeling or this habit constantly when you know it's not good it's a great reframing tool to get

yourself back on whatever track you need to be on but i love you and i'm so happy to be here and if you smoke cool if you don't smoke cool either way love it love you oh someone asked i want to quit college but I don't know what else to do apart from traveling so I as a college drop out I'm sure you guys knew that I was like I feel like I've talked about it a lot on this podcast I dropped out from nursing school um I did two years and a week of nursing school and first year hard as hell I knew I wasn't at the right place I knew I wasn't you know doing the right course um and then I pushed myself the second year I got really good grades and even though I was getting good grades I knew this wasn't for me and I had to be brave enough to drop out and reapply at a

art school and so I basically started over because at the art school I went to and I think in a majority of art schools like you have to go first year through fourth year because it's very organized in a certain way there's no jumping around there's no skipping and I had to go in as a first year because I had to go through foundations and I went to art school for a year and a month first year amazing straight a student I did so good I have never done this good in school it was very clear that this was the path for me then the pandemic hit and I was thrown into online art school now if it was online nursing school oh girl that would have been a breeze like I was already doing it online basically but online art just felt so disconnected and ungenuine and I

lost all motivation and I realized this is maybe not the best time for me to continue this let's take a break we're in a pandemic let's focus on just like the job we have right now and figuring out what the fuck's going on in the world you know like nobody knew what was going on everybody was just trying to get through it day by day and school was not something that i could do at that time especially online art school especially paying for my own i just didn't feel like it was worth it um so I dropped out twice do I recommend it absolutely not absolutely not I think about going back to school every single day um I think I took for granted what I had I think I could have pushed myself harder I wish I would have pushed myself harder I wish I had a

degree under my belt that would just seem so nice to have accomplished especially everybody around me having done that and not saying that I am not accomplishing things like oh my god two million fucking listens on this podcast I'm like I'm very successful at what I do and I'm having a great time um and I understand that we all do different paths in our lives and we need breaks whenever but i wish while i was in the flow of school and in the flow of learning and i was just younger i wish i would have taken advantage of the opportunities i did have like dropping out of nursing school good i knew that wasn't for me that was a good choice but it wasn't also a drop out it was like a transfer like i had a semester off i worked in a restaurant and then i immediately

jump back into school it was a small little break um but dropping out of art school I think I really wish I would have just continued with it um I really wish I would have pushed myself I understand when it's necessary but if um what did they ask oh I want to quit college but don't know what else to do apart from traveling if you don't have a plan of why you want to quit college and where you want to go and how you're going to travel don't do it you can travel in college and in fact if you're in college just starting it I really recommend you doing a semester abroad whether you you know do a little fundraiser get some money that way you pick up an extra shift here and there to make money so you can travel abroad your school has and programs that your school will also put

you in have amazing opportunities and options for students out there to travel and do study abroad because let me tell you when you're studying abroad you're not really doing any studying like it'll be the easiest school you will ever experience while also traveling young finishing your degree with other students with other people experiencing the world i think it's a great opportunity but if you don't have a plan for what you want to do when you drop out i really think simply staying in it maybe switching majors if needed maybe switching schools if needed doing a little study abroad that is really the best way and I dropped out of college and I regret it and yeah I really really wish I would have just pushed through I understand switching trying new

things maybe taking a little break totally but it's like once you get yourself out of that school mindset it's really hard to jump back into it is now I've kind of felt the passion again I'm like know I do enjoy learning um it's pretty fun I really took for granted learning and having opportunity to connect with other like my individuals and people who knew more about things than me I love being around people who know more about things than me because there's just so much to learn so much to soak up from them and in college is supposed to be hard but it's going to teach you a lot about perseverance working through it being brave and showing up for yourself and i think those are really key things that young 20 year olds need to learn i love you

you will get through it also ask for help ask for help ask for help oh my god at your college ask for help that college has so much fucking money so many resources if you need shit ask for it if your professor's giving you attitude because you want to come in for office hours be like cool i'll see you tomorrow this is your fucking job i need help i need help doing this i need more money asking your financial advisor for money asking them for tips going to an academic counselor so then they make a schedule for you literally there are so many opportunities there for you there they should be willing to help you through it all especially at college that's the place to ask for help if you need it hi girl so i literally just got kicked out of uni because i didn't pass

one exam and i don't know what to do right now because like my whole personality is academic validation and i feel like absolute shit right now even though i have like supportive family and friends i i have no idea i see like black hole in the future i don't know what to do and it's literally english exam i'm talking to you in english right now i'm from poland by the way uh help girl i love you but help speaking of academia oh my god girl i love you everything will be okay i pinky promise not you failing the english exam but then also literally speaking to me in perfect english like i don't understand you will figure it out it's okay you see black hole but this is a restart okay you are getting a new perspective on things you get to try again and

when the universe throws you a curveball or it gives you a hard time you really need to take a moment to sit and understand the situation so then you can have a game plan and move forward in a healthy way you can't let this situation break you you got to let it make you you got to let it uplift you some of the hardest moments that i have ever gone through in my entire life have been a period where it's like this is a redirection this is showing me what i truly need to do this is showing me maybe i truly want this i need to work harder for it or maybe i need to do a new path whatever it is there is something beautiful and amazing ahead for you and you will get there and I believe in you and this is not the end of the world I speaking of I said I had

a hard time my first year in nursing school I literally lost my scholarship which is the same as basically getting kicked out because how am I gonna afford an American college it's actually it was like $60,000 a semester crazy um and speaking of asking for help what I did is I went to my university and I wrote them a letter and I showed them that I had a plan and I took accountability for my actions maybe it was I was just a little lazy during that time maybe I didn't try as hard and I asked them for a second chance and they gave me a second chance there are second chances out there for you whether it's the university doing it for you or you doing it for yourself you just have to understand that there is something beautiful ahead for you

you gotta go after it you can't let the situation break you you gotta let it make you girl i love you someone asked how do you like to attract love into your life whether it's spiritually or literally to attract love you must give love to attract what you want to receive from the universe you must give it into the universe once the universe sees you are willing to like give something up or put something out there or be raw be vulnerable it gives that back to you tenfold so if you want love you must be love if you want people to approach you kindly you must approach people kindly and don't let the strays the stray meanies here and there the stray chaotic events here and there deter you from the goal at hand it's going to be there to test you to see if

you truly are you know love light trying to do your best and how you're going to work through that situation and what mindset you're going to take out of it people have been like the rudest fucking people to me ever and what i take from it is like okay you're miserable but i will never stoop to your level and I will never behave this way and that's the difference between me and you like that's what you got to take from it but if you want to attract love and light even romance into your life you really must put it out there and also give it to yourself like you have to love yourself you have to uplift yourself you got to set standards for yourself like you got to treat yourself well so when other people come into your life you know what getting treated well

looks like and you're not there accepting less than what you truly deserve but i truly think putting out into the universe what you want it'll come back to you oh my god two of the same question back to back i love when this happens but the basis of it is what are some simple ways to start taking better care of myself so it really starts in your daily routine i've been reading um what's the book called I've talked about it before it is the September book club book of the month for my patreon um oh atomic habits um and it really kind of will reframe the way you think about your daily life although it seems so mundane um it really shows you like how important that glass of water in the morning is to get your brain pumping how important that little walk you do every evening

to get your body moving is that that meal you cook for yourself is that the way you dress or the way you clean your house the way it adds up over time and i really recommend reading it but some little ways to take care of yourself just on the daily is you got to think mentally physically spiritually and then um like i'm trying to think of like a lee word since we're on the we're on a roll but and then you gotta really just think about your home so um mentally you gotta take account and make sure that you are okay maybe you need to go to the therapist maybe you get a medication maybe you simply need a journal maybe you need to like release those thoughts whatever it is make sure you are mentally in check maybe your daily routine or little task

every day is okay i'm gonna write in my diary or i'm going to have this call weekly with my therapist i'm gonna take my medication in the morning because i know it's important okay next physically cook for yourself make yourself yummy foods if you're going to the dining hall get yourself some protein get yourself a salad get yourself water have a little sweet treat you know make sure you're feeding yourself appropriately make sure you're eating at good times so then you're not losing your fucking mind or running out of energy um make sure physically maybe you're trying to get out and move more often maybe it's simply okay i'm gonna take care of my body physically such as showering combing my hair i gotta pluck my eyebrows maybe i want to do a

little bubble bath night next um what did i say mentally physically spiritually okay now you gotta tap into like the fun spiritually wise like i love a good meditation sesh every day or a day where i need to just like chill calm the fuck out sometimes i like to sit at my altar maybe you talk to god maybe you need to pray maybe you go to church i don't know what you believe in how you feel um maybe spiritually you need to simply just try something new or art is your spirituality or just like different hobbies you have i think can also be in the realm of spirituality because it adds to your being and you drive inspiration for the world out of it so hobbies activities things like that and then in your home making sure you have your space picked up a quick

five minute cleanup in the morning and then like deep clean once a week making sure you're putting your laundry in the laundry hamper when you take it off your body or hanging it up if it's not dirty making sure you maybe you love to make your bed maybe that's your thing um maybe it's making sure that your dishes are clean and not in the sink but really it's all about the little things because i find when i don't take care of the little things the little things start adding up to a big fucking thing and then i spiral it's like oh my god this sock on the floor is sending me into a mental fucking breakdown why is this happening it's because i've been neglecting on a daily basis my mental my physical my spiritual and my home and all those little

things have a way of adding up to a big thing so if you take care of little things first focus inward focus on yourself focus on what you truly desire want need in this daily moment you will not hit that spiral food and water oh my god if i don't eat like at a reasonable time like i oh my god i become a bitch i become so so mean so i've been really trying to make sure i'm just on my good eating good cooking vibes recently that's my real focus on my daily habits and also you don't have to start all these daily habits today start with like one habit a week and slowly integrate them into your life i understand when it all gets too much all at once and you can't fix it all completely now but you can start with one thing and that's all that matters and then as

soon as you have that one thing down boom add another thing on i'm on like my seventh thing and it's a fun little game to me at this point just being like what do i have to look forward to next week like what's the next way i'm gonna honor myself daily um and it is a fun little game to play so start with one thing or work your way up don't freak out you'll get there oh my god my cotton mouth right now is actually insane please i'm begging you this is your moment this is your reminder go chug some fucking water because i know you're dehydrated someone asked do i have a tumblr yes i have a tumblr but it's kind of like my own little private journal um and i don't think i will share it with you guys i'm sorry i've had it since i was like 12 and i've been using it ever

since but it's i love having a tumblr or even just like a pinterest page or maybe it's instagram for you whatever it is having a creative place that you can go on your phone or you can just like deep dive into this world and get a little high and look at cute pictures and listen to good music can just zone out for a while i love doing that i'm like a little collector with all my fun little images and quotes and things um but if you want to see what i'm doing on tumblr fall or join the patreon i share a lot of my tumblr inspiration on the patreon including my little libra season inspiration for everybody happy libra season hi cuties um but a lot of that i source directly for my tumblr so i do share like images uh quotes things that i'm collecting on there but my own

personal tumblr i do as crazy and open that i am on this podcast i do like to keep um some things private maybe one day it's not like i have anything embarrassing on there like it's just like cute pictures but it's kind of fun just having a piece of myself to myself you know someone asked what sticky heating pad did you use for your iud getting mine replaced next week so nervous my iud replacement went so fantastic so well as long as you have a doctor you're comfortable with you talk it out with them you get your anxieties out with them they hear you they understand you right now like i feel like when i first got mine oh my god like five six years ago my first one ever it was a very new device very new thing so the insertion process was kind of difficult because

the doctor didn't really know what she was doing but now like I got my IUD oh my god when did I get it I think I got it in February maybe March like not that long ago I think I'm like six months in maybe five I don't know I'm not that long into it but this new the new process and getting the new one even though it was like a bigger iud so quick so fantastic the best thing i did for myself was those sticky heating pads and honestly a lifesaver for any girl out there who anybody just gets cramps um let me look it up real quick because i think i got them on oh yeah you can buy them on um amazon you can buy them on at target but at target they're called heating patch for menstrual cramps with extra coverage it's like a big butterfly heating patch you can also go to

cvs and get the thermacare menstrual pain sticky patches it's like a red box um and they are basically just um what's that like muscle rub that you put on it where it's like that cooling muscle rub it's like that and you place it right over your uterus i put one on like 30 minutes before my appointment so my like muscles chilled out down there um and then i put one on right before going in i also ate a little cbd gummy and i ate a lot of advent not advil ibuprofen extra strength ibuprofen and i feel like it went so very well make sure you feed yourself well afterwards make sure somebody goes out and gets you food or you door dash some really yummy food to you make sure you put on a good movie maybe get like a heated blanket if necessary um and then

also something that I really enjoyed after um getting my IUD because I felt like there was just like a little trauma down there like you know you're like your hoo-ha is like whoa oh my god what the fuck just happened so peeing and wiping was a little painful so get like a little cooling baby wipe that is oh my god a game changer I feel like pregnant women do that like after giving birth but also after my iud it was so very nice also helpful when you're on your periods little baby wipe gets it get you all clean ready to go fantastic amazing i love you it'll go so good but yeah anybody who gets cramps those sticky heating pads actual game changer someone said new plug put a free stash of lavender in my pickup that man's in love with you or woman they they are

in love with you trust me i know i've had many a plugs fall in love with me which is why oh to be a modern day princess of course the plugs fall in love with me um but i uh now that i'm in a relationship i just don't buy my weed or i don't buy my own weed i don't deal with that anymore but when i was dealing with that oh you're gonna get so much shit for free if they're in love with you for for sure but also stay safe okay girl keep keep that relationship a business relationship you know you know what there's nothing better than a girl plug though honestly like i know this is like a a man environment but i love a good girl plug literally in high school i remember i bought from this girl and she like left it in her mailbox when we went to go grab it

she left us like a love note with a lipstick kiss on the love note next to the weed literally it does not get better than that on halloween she gave us halloween candy on valentine's day she gave us valentine's day cards literally so fucking cute there is no one more thoughtful more understanding than a girl plug or a man plug who's in love with you but you gotta keep that you got to keep it business casual my girls okay my favorite plug ever was when i was in college never made me wait ever i hate that waiting game they do where it's like okay i'll be there in an hour and then it's like six hours later and they're like can i pull up and it's like excuse me no no are you trying to like make fucking money hello hello he was always timely i was like hey

can you be here 15 minutes he's there in 10 you know i love that shit he was also measuring it out in front of me no pre-packaged shit he would put it on a scale in front of me in his car so i knew exactly how much i was getting and more but so many plugs especially with women they will just like oh it they're they're gonna try and rip you off so measure that shit out in front of me please please female plug never will ever rip me off in fact they will always give me more men be trying they try and be slick you know and you got to be on your toes never get into a man's car also i know i just said i did don't do that i've been locked in a car with a man before a plug he literally i got in the car to get my shit and he locked the car he's like we're gonna

go for a drive and i was like god fucking damn it like i if i die today i'm gonna be pissed like are you kidding me and then he like drove around the block and pulled back up i think he was honestly just really paranoid like crazy paranoid and he's like we gotta move it because there's cameras or something i was like whatever um i don't think it was that scary of a situation but still i was like what the fuck so don't get into a car with a man okay have him come over drop it off go over there get it leave I have also had a crazy experience in college where it was like a new plug something like random I had run into and I was going to pick up and he was like okay I'll just run out to the car real quick when I tell you a 11 year old ran out like that was not the

person I was talking to that has to be your son because I know you like this is not you literally an 11 year old ran up to the window and like threw a baggie in the car and i was like what the actual fuck just happened like was i hallucinating that child or did that actually just happen anyways some crazy fucking experiences thank god weed's legal now and i can just go to like an apple store fucking dispensary and get an eight for like 20 bucks love that thank god hi hannah um i'm very excited to send this voice message to you but anyways so i've been talking for to the sky like we met like a year ago but like we only started getting close like maybe six months ago and you know we do like kind of relationshipy things here and there like we've

gone on a few dates but it's mostly just hooking up and just like hanging out watching a movie sort of thing and he's asked me to be his girlfriend like a few times not like very officially but just um like just like why aren't we dating and like you know kind of suggesting that but I always feel like I brush it off and I don't know why like he treats me well he's a great he's a great um like communicator and I feel like he wouldn't hurt me or do anything to hurt me and he's like empathetic but like for some reason I just feel like I'm not attracted to him enough and I don't know if I'm the problem maybe I should just push that aside and date him because who knows when I'm gonna find someone else I don't know thank you let me know what you think okay so

let's talk the situation where you are seeing only green flags like this man is amazing you are just not ready or you know that this isn't the right person for you that is okay we hear a lot about the girls in the toxic situationships I want you I want you but this man's running from me okay it happens a lot okay men are emotionally unavailable but there is a stray situation where it's like on paper this man is fantastic he wants me to be his girlfriend he's incredibly nice he's handsome he's smart whatever it may be i just don't feel right about this and that's when you need to trust your gut you said oh i don't know when somebody else is going to come along that doesn't matter you can't have like a lack mindset a well this will do mindset because honestly

that's not fair to the to your partner that's not fair to him when you know you know as lana del rey said okay when you know you know and if you know that this isn't the right man for you that is a-okay there's nothing wrong with you there's nothing wrong with him sometimes two puzzle pieces simply don't fit together you don't have to have a bad person around you to realize that that person's not right for you sometimes good people simply aren't gonna fit in with who you are and what you want and that's okay but you seem to have some doubts you were like green flag green flag green flag but it just doesn't feel right and if it doesn't feel right sometimes you got to listen to that gut instinct okay don't wait around keep living your life keep doing your thing

don't string him along let him know how you feel say hey you're fantastic and there's an amazing girl out there for you i just don't think i'm ready for this or i don't think this is what i'm looking for i'm gonna look elsewhere you know make it clear that there's nothing he can do don't be too mean to him but i'm gonna say to date or not to date i'm gonna say don't date i'm gonna say when you know you know and it sounds like you know that this is settling even if everything seems good and is good you still know deep down that this is not exactly what you want and that's okay maybe you don't need a relationship maybe you need to just focus on yourself do you be amazing love you someone asked tips on giving head um yeah i got a lot

of tips a lot of tips actually um first of all i think this is a tip that people don't really think about but if you you know this is like your first sexual interaction like when you come over and you've been hanging out for a while you should be like hey let's get in the shower real quick let's shower together because like hot sexy let's kick it off don't do anything in the shower don't ruin it okay you gotta take it slow play the game you know wash each other off get all hot and steamy because then that dick's gonna taste so good fresh and squeaky clean amazing love it you know what i mean um i'm so dumb oh my god next there's many positions you can be in there's a lot of positions i i hate laying down and giving

head you know what i mean where they're like laid back like flat splat on the fucking bed and then you're like kind of also laying down or like you're just below them it's so hard on my neck and my shoulders and if my neck and my shoulders are strained when i'm giving head like it's gonna be like good but it's not gonna be the full capacity of what I can be doing so I think the perfect position is them sitting on the edge of the bed with you down on your knees them standing them sitting in a chair something where you are upright you know I feel like that's the absolute perfect position next if you are a smoker girl like me okay you the cotton mouth the cotton mouth is gonna kill it it is so before if you know you're gonna do this get a big chug of

water okay you gotta you gotta make sure it's sloppy you gotta make sure there's just so much spit i don't know what it is obviously it's gonna help with the friction with the with the sound effects you know it is a 3d experience with the feeling you want as much spit as possible you can ask him to spit in your mouth if you need some choking on it always helps you you know get some more spit you can have him shove his fingers on your throat anyways you need as much spit as you can possibly muster next start slow okay have some fun play around with him a bit you know you it's okay you are in control that's what you need to remember when it comes to this and that's kind of the fun part of it it's like no no you sit back let me put on a show that's what this

is about um so start slow lick it you know play around have some fun do some exploring don't be afraid of the balls um and then just go crazy like go crazy crazy use your hands okay use your mouth no teeth tuck your lips under okay and then also i said it once i'll say it again it's a 3d experience so hands switch it up you spit make noise whether you're moaning whether you're like slurping on it i don't know what it is but like i'm telling you 20 seconds 20 seconds of you going crazy and it will be over like they can't handle it they simply can't it's insane the way i i don't know if my boyfriend knew i was the one at this point in time but like i was giving a blow job and when i tell you 20 seconds like that's all my mouth was on him and

it was over i was like oh wow the power the power that's how i know i give good ones so anyways i hope those tips helped i know i've talked about this a lot in a many other podcasts so if you need more tips i'm sure there's like two other ones but it's all i can really think of right now remember three 3d experience anyways that's a fun one to end it on get a little crazy with it keep you on your toes keep you listening thank you guys so much for being here i had a fucking blast hanging out with you guys today i had a lot of energy considering how hungover i thought i was gonna be maybe it is like the hungover delusionalness that really adds to this podcast i'm like anything will fly out of my mouth and it's just yeah love it amazing stream of

consciousness podcast literally um i love you guys thank you for being here thank you for being open and vulnerable for showing good and the bad the ugly the honest the truthful i'm so happy we can be here working through it all together once again updates baby tees oh my god i'm so excited literally they're gonna be so fucking cute rhinestones are involved they get delivered today i'm so oh you have no idea how excited i am for these so follow me on instagram at hannah marlene if you want to get your own little baby tea um if you want to see what i'm up to follow me there as well thank you guys for two million streams it's fucking crazy literally that is insane to me and i'm so fucking grateful to be here every single week to have you guys with

me to learn and grow together that's what humans are here for that's what the smoke sesh circle is here for and i could not ask for anything more thank you guys i hope you are loved and lifted and supported this next week and i will see you all so very soon