Smoke Sesh - college dropout, beating seasonal depression & delusional manifestation

Episode Date: September 6, 2022

Happy Tuesday! Missed you all so so very much, but I’m excited to catch up with you guys today. Today we have a longer episode as I catch you up on what I’ve been up to. What makes a good friend, beating seasonal depression, tips and tricks for seasonal depression, and riding the wave of depression, getting through guilt when choosing yourself, delusional manifestation and my fav manifestation techniques, dealing with crazy parents, getting through the munchies phase, the smoke sesh effect, top 5 things of this week, how to build a outfit and stay true to yourself, adulting and simply just trying in life, having hard conversations, building intimacy during sex through conversation & intimacy in relationships, top 3 tips to stop face picking, and finally being a college dropout and having to not explain yourself if people simply don’t get it. I love you all so so much, thank you for joining me on yet again another journey of an episode this week, remember to submit all questions you might have to Instagram @ hannahmarlene and I will see you all again soon ! MUAH !

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash, so come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Oh my goodness, you guys, hello, how are we all doing? your girl is actually like up and adam today and it's early in the morning and i'm like sitting down with my little iced coffee ready to talk to you guys instead instead of sitting down at like

three o'clock in the afternoon when i'm ready for a nap um and it feels good i have the day off i've actually had like the past fucking five days off um which has been really nice i rarely ever get like that many days off in a row um unless i'm going on like vacation but i've just had a really good weekend um let's see friday night my boyfriend or saturday night i guess was the last day i worked my boyfriend went to like a pink floyd concert and i really wanted to go out i was like let's go out let's go party he was just like his frat bro friend and so i was like i know he probably wants to party like let's go but he got a speeding ticket on the way to the concert so he was not about to go spend more money on top of that and i was like whatever fine i'll you know

go to the bar by myself and have fun because who am i to deny myself like what i'm feeling and like what i want to do you know like if i want to go out and have a little drink like i'm not going to deny myself of that like i'm going to control myself i'm going to go out and have a little drink so i went across the street to um this bar that is right next to my restaurant really easy just wander over all the other like service industry people go over there too so it's nice um i went over i sat down got my little um oh my god the best margarita i've ever had it's a serrano like a serrano pepper watermelon margarita oof babes so good sat down got my little margarita i was holding or i like didn't want to like sit on my phone because i was gonna die and i wanted

to be able to like be in contact with my boyfriend um so i was just like reading my book at the bar and in that moment i was like oh my god i am turning into my mother like this is peak peak mother activity sitting at the bar reading my book um and it was pretty good like i'm actually loving this book um slouching towards bethlehem by joan didion really good i love the way she writes and the stories that she's talking about very interesting i was deep in my book and all of a sudden i feel like somebody come up behind me and hug me and i was ready to just like throw hands but i turned around and it was my friend who i haven't seen in a long long time she was one of my first like service industry friends um and she's been a big sister for me um for a long time

and i haven't seen her in a while because you know how friends are you know they get busy with life you get busy with life and you run into each other and it's like you never missed a beat that's how you know that you have good friends you never take it personally that life gets in the way and you know that you're busy you understand the love still is there um and so i got to hang out with her which was like an amazing surprise i love running into old friends so we had a few drinks and then she was like well do you want to go take a shot down the street at this other bar because the shots are cheaper and I was like hell yeah she's the kind of friend who's like a party friend like whenever I'm hanging out with her I'm like okay I better prepare because for the next

six hours like it's gonna be crazy last time I actually partied with her um it was during the pandemic um and we just went out to brunch you know what I mean some other friends showed up at brunch and then it was like super hot and we were like well i want to go to a pool there's no pools open so in our heads like and if you're a long-time listener you've definitely heard this story um but we were like let's go get baby pools from target so me and one of my friends went to target to get baby pools we bought like five of them like we bought out all the fucking baby pools threw them in my trunk my trunk couldn't even close they were like hanging out the back of it went over to my parents house because they were out of town through the baby pools in the back

um we were just eating mushrooms people were doing lines not me not me though um we were drinking i brought my crystals out people were playing with shit it was so fun um but that night also i like literally i have the worst i am the worst at like irish goodbyes if anything i'm the best at them if we're being honest I might be the best at them because I have a habit of just like disappearing like people know I'm okay like they don't really worry about me I just when I want to go I want to go and I'm not gonna stick around so literally at my own house I look these people in the face I don't remember this but I apparently happen I look these people in the face and I go watch the house I'll be back and by this time it's like eight o'clock at night like we've been

partying for a good 10 hours you know what i mean and they're like what do you mean hannah this is your house like we're gonna leave if you're leaving and i was like i'll be back i'll be back don't worry and i literally disappeared and reappeared like transported transported i literally just like all of a sudden gained consciousness and although it's a funny story it's also very scary and a little bit nerve-wracking and a reason i don't party as much anymore because i would make bad decisions like this but i came out of my blackout and all of a sudden i was at my boyfriend's house who at the time we were just talking um and i was like how the fuck did i get here and i was stumbling through his front yard with the open truly in my

hand and i was like hey and that night just went bad because i was like knocking shit off his walls and he got really annoyed with me and i realized like how much like partying and you thinking you're a fun person in the moment is not very fun to a sober person and that was a big eye-opening experience for me but it was still really fun to party with them and stuff and then at like 8 a.m he had to go to work so I drove back to my house expecting nobody to be there and all of my friends were still there at 8 a.m like still going still partying and like making tea and sitting outside and drinking tea together so like when i say i was ready to go all night partying with her like i was ready but i was also exhausted so i was like let's get this over with we went over to the other

bar took a few shots we were talking it up it's just so good to catch up with people that you haven't seen in a while especially ones like i said where once you start talking it's like you haven't skipped a beat like it's just like back to good vibes and another one of our friends we actually ran into so that was super fun and then i got a phone call my boyfriend was like i'm on the way to your place and i i wish goodbye and i said peace gotta go i think she went out and kept partying down in westport which is what i wanted to do i wanted to drag my boyfriend and his friend around but i think they were just exhausted so came back to my place had an early night um and then what did i do the next day oh next day we went to the sunflower fields um i just

got a new camera so i was like i want to go to the sunflower fields i want to um go take pictures and i just love a good shitty digital camera and to be fair this is a pretty nice camera like i got it for really cheap shout out ebay like ebay electronics this camera works perfectly came with all the shit that you need and i got it for like 300 less than if i would have gone to best buy and bought it so shout out ebay um but it takes incredible photos and videos so i wanted to get out to the sunflower field so me and my boyfriend just spent a day out in the country just hanging out running around windows down you know good music on kind of vibes and it was beautiful it was incredible um growing up in Kansas you know just one of the things that you

are required to do every year like at the end of the summer one's the county fair which check I've already done that and two is going to the sunflower fields because the yellow brick road is a euphemism for what like rolling hills look like when they're overtaken by sunflowers so we went out there we did our little photos we hung out we really just enjoyed nature um and it was great it was fantastic i'm gonna be posting those photos soon um if you keep an eye out for my instagram also i know i said i was gonna post um last thursday i apologize i have just been super uber busy trying to get all of these orders out to you guys safe to say they are all on the way so keep an eye out at your mailbox um they all should be going to the right addresses to the right people they

all should be cutesy and shipped and ready to wear thank you guys all so fucking much for supporting me it blows my mind how much support i have received um it was a huge learning curve also i'll get into that i have a few questions about it um but it's been very very fun and very very fulfilling so i have like a few last minute orders that i got a package and send out today but other than that that's about it so sorry about um thursday and no episode i just you know priorities i was like i gotta get these packages out to people it's been too long they need their stuff and i don't want to make them wait any longer um and then last night what did we do what did i do i was in a big cleaning mode yesterday my boyfriend he went and saw his

grandma and like hung out with his family for a bit so i was like okay i need to be productive i need to get my shit done so i deep clean my entire apartment it looks amazing um i just like am the kind of person where like random shit gets cluttered in random corners everywhere um and i i need to be the person who instead like finds a specific place for things instead of just letting things clutter um so i like cleaned my windows i like cleaned my bathtub like you know the the big shit that you kind of like put off like i got on my hands and knees and cleaned everything and it feels so good to be in my space like my boyfriend walked in and was like wow when am i moving in this looks incredible um so i did some deep cleaning and then i wanted to get really

fucking drunk and eat some mexican food so we went out for dinner last night and got a pitcher of margaritas which i attempted to power through i only finished like half um and some really yummy food and now here i am morning after hanging out trying to refuel my brain with some yummy water and some iced coffee and hang out with you guys but it's been really fun it's been a really really good weekend me and my boyfriend were gonna last minute go to colorado this weekend but it wasn't gonna work out so i was like whatever that's totally fine um we'll just make the best of it here you know what i mean and summer's ending and it's getting like really bittersweet so i'm trying to take advantage of all the summery things that i can and enjoy being outside and being in nature

um before nature is obliterated by all the snow um which i am mentally not really prepared for but we have a few months so it's okay we're good we're vibing um but yeah that was my weekend how was your weekend i hope it was fantastic i hope you're having a great start to your week um because i am i feel so rejuvenated and so ready to just you know thrive thrive for the end of summer anyways still trying to tidy up the last like you know last minute shit that i'm trying to get done i just paid rent um a little late because our property management switched and that bitch was hard to log into i was struggling but paid that so now i don't have to worry about anything for like a good like two months no oh my god maybe two weeks not two months um but it feels good it

feels nice now I get to just vibe until the first comes around again I like deep clean my car because that was a hot mess like a real hot mess like real bad um and now like the other big thing on my list of to-dos is to donate all the clothes that I don't want to um just one of the donation centers and i have it all bagged up i just need to utilize my boyfriend to carry it all downstairs for me because i don't want to carry it i do not anyways you guys submitted a lot of questions a lot of good ones per use um there's really only ever good questions i can't lie but it's time it's time ladies let's dive in all right this is a great question we kind of touched on it but somebody asked how to mentally prepare for colder seasons and seasonal depression

felt felt felt felt when i realized i had seasonal depression it was because my dad had amazon primed me to college um grow lights and i was like what the fuck does he think i'm doing here and then I realized no the grow lights are not for me like not for plants the grow lights are for my brain because I was just so depressed and I mean it's true sunlight being outside being just like in nature does help which I think is why a lot of people's you know feelings and emotions are heightened during the summer and we all feel just like a little bit more stable in whatever way possible. And a big reason why I encourage people to get outside while you can and while you can experience it. But when it comes to winter and to dealing with seasonal depression and losing

out on all that sunlight and all that greenery and all that nature, I really try to make up for it in my own personal space so that will include me hanging up a lot more lights I will be getting probably a lot more lamps I love my lamp from um Ikea it's just one of the you know paper kind of like orb lamps that you can hang um and then I just got my like um light bulb hanger from Amazon on so it's just like a long wire that i can just like screw into the ceiling and then even better i got color changing oh my god someone just called me how rude literally interrupted me i love the color changing lights because not only can you do like blue and hot pink and fuchsia and green and it like changes to the beat of music but also the hue of the white can be changed too

and this is extra important because not only can you do like a blue white but you can do a yellow ish white and that really simulates um the effect of sunlight and especially in the paper like lantern lights um it feels like little mini suns inside of my apartment which is amazing super nice I already bought another one that I need to hang up in my bedroom but for a while I was just putting like ring lights up and that is the same kind of lighting but I would not go purchase the quote unquote happy lamps that they sell um because they are charging $90 for a tiny little lamp and just capitalizing off of mental health issues when you can buy the same exact type of lights for way cheaper and just do it yourself and that is why my dad was shipping me

grow lights because it is the exact same type of light um so i think simulating in your space a similar type of environment that brings you happiness brings you peace um is a is important another big thing is plants I have so many plants in my apartment and in fact I do want more I want way more um so I've been propagating a lot this summer I will probably be purchasing some more bigger plants for my apartment before the summer ends um getting some new plants for the just the space because it really just brings some happiness and some warmth and some peace to um my space but i think your space makes a huge difference in how you're feeling um another big thing is to stay on top of regimens and routines that make you feel good so um serotonin levels you know might be

dropping so try and find healthy ways to you know just stimulate that serotonin um like i can't go on walks anymore outside but maybe y'all get a gym membership or go try like a pole class or something this winter where it gets me out of my house you know and gets me into a new environment and then also gets me stimulated in a sense that i'm going to release serotonin um doing fun things making sure you're planning fun activities so you're not just stuck inside all winter and feeling like you're holed up um trying to you know go see friends change your environment up i think all of that is extra extra important especially during winter so you're not just alone and inside um because that definitely adds to a lot of problems that might be ongoing there

and when sticking to regimens and routines you know be in contact with your therapist try and be honest with your therapist try and be you know continuously working with them so then when winter rolls around and you might start to struggle you guys have that relationship built up and you guys can work together on that stuff um but i feel you i'm mentally preparing for the lows that i'm probably going to fall into and i'm understanding and like reassuring myself that that's okay you know um dealing with mental health and stuff means that there's going to be ups and downs and that is okay. That is totally fine. You just have to ride the ups and downs the best that you can and try to not be harsh on yourself. If you do find yourself slipping into a period where you're

in a little bit of a low, offer yourself kindness. Offer yourself some peace and some understanding and, you know, really show up for yourself. I think that really makes a huge, huge difference. and also take advantage of summer while you can um i'm realizing that i haven't taken advantage fully of summer as much as i as i wish i would have so i'm really just trying to get out there to experience um nature and what it has to offer and all the beauty that the world has before it is stripped away and we are covered in five feet of snow someone asked how to choose myself without feeling guilty um when you're in the people-pleasing mindset it's really hard to do so so i feel you that guilt is like already so deep deep inside you that no offense when you

start choosing yourself you are going to feel very guilty the key is to not let that stop you okay because after a while you're gonna stop feeling guilty and you're gonna start really enjoying it so i think step one is just to do so and by do so i mean choose yourself show up for yourself you're going to feel that guilt but you know show up for yourself and remind yourself like listen like this is good for you you need to start focusing on yourself you need to start supporting yourself the way you support other people really really just reassure yourself um that you are making the right choices because after a while you will stop feeling that initial guilt and that initial like kind of pain of like why am i choosing myself over this other person

um that's not selfless of me that's not kind of me but it is because although you have to extend kindness to other people you need to extend kindness to yourself as well that is very very important so you're gonna feel a little bit of guilt especially when you're first starting the key is to not let it hinder you or hold you back oh someone asked girl tell me about your fave manifestation techniques delusion absolute delusion like and i'm not talking like a bad delusion i'm talking about like believing in yourself more than anybody else could possibly believe in you um i think like if i told people my dreams my hopes they would look at me and they'd be like girl you're fucking crazy that's never gonna happen and that's okay because in my head

whatever people say is not reality and whatever i am deciding for myself and figuring out for myself is reality so when it comes to manifestation i think a lot of manifestation is just acting and believing truly in yourself and following those steps fully so although you can do like spells and rituals like a big part of like manifestation for me like ritual wise is sitting down with my altar and just talking openly with the universe just stream of consciousness and thanking the universe for everything that i have and asking the universe for things and telling the universe what i want and my hopes and dreams and where i want to end up and then also maybe doing a tarot card poll like just a one card poll i usually just shuffle the cards until one flies out and then

I'm like okay that's the one that I need to focus on and then I use that as like interpretation to really motivate me um another thing is like um I will like write letters to myself and not in like a oh how you doing kind of way but I'll be like my name is Hannah Marlene I am 23 years old I live here here is my environment currently here's where I am currently and then I'll be like in a year from now or in five years from now i will be living in blank my apartment will look like this i will have this i will be with this like fully invest yourself into where you want to be and what you want to see and write it down and get a little delusional don't hold yourself back all your dreams all everything that you want for yourself write it down the same way that like you

give like a or like teachers give like a seven-year-old like a writing prompt like where do you see yourself when you're 18 you know and people are like i'm gonna be an astronaut in space like that's not completely possible at 18 but that like delusional like want for yourself and urge to do well and to succeed in a certain position that is what you need to focus on and that is the energy that you need to tap into when doing these writings it's also a great way to kind of visualize if you're like confused on where you want to be in life and where you want to go it's a great way to kind of get back on track and touch back in with yourself and be like okay but am i on the right path and am i following what i want to do and am i going in a direction that i want to go

um because sometimes until you start dreaming you realize like whoa i am not on the right path right now um but i do believe a lot of manifestation comes from how you act in your daily life um like no i can't afford like expensive salads every day and to go out every day but i'm still gonna treat myself every once in a while and i'm still gonna wake up and motivate myself in the ways that future me might motivate myself i am going to work on things that are hard for me to work on but i know will benefit me in the future i'm gonna take those steps that are hard for me to do but i know will benefit me in the future it's just really just little things like that um but behaving in ways that you believe your highest self should behave is the key i think

to manifestation if that makes any sort of sense but yeah those two little rituals that writing practice and that speaking practice are my two favorite ways to manifest also um mood boards i was talking about this on patreon i did a little patreon post um about how i just really take all these images that inspire me and i throw them together into one giant messy board i do it on like um bizart i don't know if you guys know what that app is it's one of my favorite apps i've actually had it since i was like in seventh grade i use it for all of like all my collaging purposes um but i do that once a month i try to do that once a month um and it's really just the practice of visualizing what you want for yourself and where you want to see yourself and things that

you like want to become because like i look back on old mood boards and i'm like oh i have that bag now oh I live literally in that space now oh I have that outfit oh I did that thing oh I went to that place and it's all like subconscious like I didn't even realize that I was wanting these things in the past but now looking back like I've completed them I've accomplished them and it's kind of crazy to see and it's also fun if you're a more visual person and you're not really into writing or like you know open communication um get into the visual aspects of life um and inspire yourself that way hi hannah i've been following you since like 2020 and i love your podcast i've been listening since the very beginning but i remember you always talked about

like um or you have talked about problems with parents before and i love the advice you give and it actually is really helpful but like there's just some things i don't know how to handle with my mom because she is mentally ill and she's the type of person who refuses to get help even though we've tried to help her a million times so like I feel bad setting boundaries because she tries to like guilt trip me and stuff and like I don't know it makes me feel bad but at the same time like I'm really fed up with her lately I can't like not share anything with her because she wants to know everything she always wants to be right and I don't know I guess I just need advice with setting boundaries and just like how to navigate having a mom who is mentally ill and stuff like that I

don't know uh I'm running out of time but thank you so much love you hi I love you 2020 that's literally when I started posting so like you're an OG you've been here for years I started posting like a lot on TikTok again and not on my main account because here's the thing TikTok hates my main account like if I post anything on that bitch they just take it down immediately like I've tried to come back I've tried to keep posting on that account but now it's kind of just like an archive of like who i was and the things that i was doing and i love it for that so i keep it up i haven't really deleted it but i also can't post on it because um tiktok literally takes it out immediately so i've been posting on my second account which is fairy smoke mother um and i've

been posting quite often but i posted like a a video of like me and my boyfriend my boyfriend had my panties on his face and people were like how long have you been together and i was like a little over two years and they were like oh my god that means i've been following you for three years and i'm like i know it does not feel like three years but it the way time has flown so thank you for being with me this long i love you shout out to you og follower there um but i i feel this and although i don't think my mom might be as intense to the extent that your mom might be I grew up with a friend who has a very mentally ill mother and watching how much stress that was that put on her was very anxiety inducing. So I'm going to tell you what I've told her

and what I wish she would have done. Like her mom is like another level of just like too invested and like too controlling if that makes sense like she would call her at 6 a.m in the morning at sleepovers and be like come home come home right now we gotta go do this and do this and do this and she would get up pack her shit and leave um her mom would call her at like 2 a.m when we're having a sleepover and be like where are you what are you doing and she'd be like mom i told you like i'm at a sleepover like what what are you talking about um random outbursts random like controlling things um and it it's a stressor it's a stressor on everybody she would like go through her daughter's phone and download all the information onto the family computer so

she could read through like our personal texts and personal texts with her and then she would like confront us about it and we'd be like bitch what she has even gone so far as to like listening to this podcast and like trying to get dirt on me for whatever reason so it is quite honestly crazy crazy crazy um and she you know doesn't seek help she doesn't help herself um in ways and to an extent that i think she needs help um and when it comes to my friend and making sure that she's okay i think the biggest thing for her was distance i don't know if you live with your mom i don't know if you are you know going to be there for a few years i think even distance when she was at the house as well as distance afterwards was kind of the biggest saving grace um she would

spend a lot of her time at friends houses which is okay it's fine i get you want to be at your own house but if you can kind of get away like have your small escapes from that i think that's very healthy um and very necessary as well i don't think you should lock yourself inside and constantly be around that in order to appease her um i also think like when you grow up and you start like going to college and moving out once she kind of got away from her mom in that sort of sense she just like opened up into a brand new person i really saw her flourish and also set better boundaries with her mother because she was distanced from her um so i'm not sure if you're living with her right now but i think the best thing especially if you're under her roof is to

just play it safe um like she's your mom you are not like although you're there to take care of her she's like a grown woman and there's a small extent of which you can kind of act on you know helping her and it comes to the end of the day you know it's like if she doesn't want help it is very hard for you to you know force that upon another person who doesn't want help so i would say protect yourself um don't walk on eggshells of course but really just try and put yourself first if you can um and also maybe try to not rock the boat you know what i mean as much as you might have been doing in the past um if she wants to make the choices that she wants to make as a grown woman there's really nothing you can do about it other than make sure that you're okay

and you're safe and you're cared for by yourself um and making sure everybody's you know safe of course but when you grow up and you get older and you like with anybody who has a difficult time with parents and difficult time getting along with parents once you get older and you move out i think the relationship with your parents definitely changes because their mindset goes from oh they're living under my roof to oh now my kid is an adult and they're out doing whatever they want and your mindset goes from oh i have to play it a certain way in order to keep you know keep people happy to oh i can do whatever the fuck i want and have a great time um So yeah, she moved out, she's doing her own thing, she lives in a whole different state than her mom, and she's really thriving and really just, you know, doing what she's always dreamed of doing.

And I think the biggest thing that inspired her was finding a stable, older woman to look up to, and that was her aunt. And her and her aunt are super close, and her aunt kind of took her under her wing and became a second mom to her, which I think is beautiful and awesome and incredible that she found that. Um, but I think if you can make some older adult female friendships, that would be incredible. Um, to just, you know, wait it out. Um, really just try and focus on yourself, honor yourself, be there for yourself. Um, I know I get that caretaker role where you're like, I want to take care of my mom, but also there's only an extent of what you can do for people and try not to overexert yourself to try and help her if she doesn't want help there's really only a small amount that you

can do other than be there for her but also when you're there for her you have to remember to show up for yourself in a sort of way but when you grow up and you get some distance and you guys start doing your own thing and you become an adult and you move out into the world things become a lot easier and the world opens up to you and i think a lot of relationships especially between parents and kids that might have been really really rocky when they were you know living together kind of blossom into something different and you know the parent starts understanding that this is an adult and they can't control them in any sort of way at all anymore um and i feel like they kind of give up control a little bit and that's when i think the real relationship starts to blossom so hang

in there i get it i really believe in you and i hope you're safe and you're okay um really just understand to put yourself first i understand setting boundaries is really really hard um but you know honor yourself get yourself out of the house every once in a while get yourself some distance every once in a while um and try and be kind to yourself during this time but i love you you'll get through it oh someone asked hannah i'm struggling with binging such uncontrollable munchies when i smoke help um switch up the type of weed you're smoking i do believe strain makes a huge difference for some reason when i smoke indicas i get super hungry and then when i smoke sativas i'm like chilling i just usually need a shit ton of water um but listen i think

munchies are a beautiful thing and I don't think when you get that urge you should like hinder yourself but I also understand the negatives of like binging and not wanting to just binge a shit ton of food and then you know you feel like you're gonna throw up afterwards like been there felt that so I don't I'm not gonna be like oh just drink water and don't eat anything because like I don't think that's healthy the same way I don't think like overeating is super healthy either but i do think you should have a little snack if you're feeling that way so maybe think of like two or three fun snacks that you really enjoy and really love um and you know plan and understand okay i'm gonna get the munchies and i'm gonna make me a little snack

maybe just like one thing and like whatever it is my favorite is like fresh fruit or like spicy chips or um like orange juice i don't know or like gummy worms those are like my faves so maybe i'm gonna choose like one of those i'm gonna make me a little plate and then i'm gonna go lay in bed and i'm gonna be like i get this one plate and i get a giant glass of water and that's it you know and stick to that because to satisfy that urge like sometimes you just need to eat some food you know what i mean and that's okay but also like set boundaries with yourself and set rules with yourself and be like okay well i'm gonna eat this one bag of chips and that's it you know like i'm not gonna eat this one bag of chips and a sandwich and then fruit and then this and then

gummy worms and then this like i get that urge to you know overeat and overeat and overeat especially when i do eat edibles for some reason i don't know why edibles like make me so munchy but that's kind of how i solved that was just giving myself like one thing or like one little mix of like things on a plate and just like being like this is enough for me and i'll be good after this and then usually once you make that plate and you're just super high and you sit down in your bed like you're not gonna want to get up and go make another plate you're gonna be pretty stuck to your bed i can't lie so that's kind of the best way i go about it but i don't think you should hinder yourself from enjoying and savoring food when you're high because that is the best feeling

ever oh someone asked can you talk about thco i'm super curious and i'm not sure what to believe on the internet i think this is because i was posting past packs the other day um they sent me a bunch of uh carts and for their carts specifically they're usually delta a or thco or CBD or a mix of the three um and personally I like CBD and THC THCO better than I do Delta 8 um Delta 8 I feel like has a similar quality to CBD but it's not as like strong as I like as I like CBD to be um but THCO is very similar to CBD the onset is just different so you know with CBD you smoke it you get a little bit of like a head rush that you would get from like nicotine um and then you get like a body relaxing feeling and like mind relaxing feeling after that but it's

not like a psycho it's not super psychoactive where you're like I'm high and I feel high like when I smoke CBD, I do not feel high, but I do feel the effects on my body that usually come with weed. Does that make any sort of sense? Now with THCO, I feel that exact same way that I do with CBD, but the onset is different. So instead of like a immediate onset that I would get with CBD, I feel like the onset is more like edibles, which is why you got to be careful when you smoke get to only do like a couple hits and then give yourself like 10 minutes um or else it might just be a lot and you might get couch locked you know what i mean but the feelings are very very similar um it's just the onset is very different and you got to give yourself some time to feel what you're

working with but for me personally for cbd i love flower but for thco i love um carts and if you're the kind of person who likes to like smoke but also be productive um but also like you can't smoke and be productive because what the fuck is that because when i smoke i i need to be prepared to like sit down for 30 minutes to an hour um you know what i mean cbd and thco is perfect for that so that's why i love their carts because it's just a quick on the go i can hit it in my car i can hit it while i'm running around even at work like if i need a smoke break but i don't want to participate and nicotine um i just have my little like um cbd cart go outside take a couple rips get the same kind of feeling and vibe that i would um smoking and then go back inside and not lose

my mind do you know what i mean but paz packs is the best for anything that you possibly want to try they're the cleanest products the most like simple beautiful products as well um i literally have visited their farm and seen the process and it is incredible the work that these farmers put into taking care of these plants and making sure that it's high quality the best quality shit ever like these are their babies the way this guy was talking about these plants these are their children um and that is why i like literally only ever smoke past packs like i'm not going to a store and buying cbd because frankly i do not trust it but this shit is the fucking best um so if you ever want to try something give cbd a shot give thc zero shot give delta 8 a shot you want to get

like a cute little gift for your friend um they sell like the most beautiful pre-rolls ever and it's like a pack of five and it comes with matches in the box and the artwork is incredible um but you can use code smoke sash for 10 off any order that you possibly have um but yeah recently i've just been using the carts a lot just because i've been at work a lot and running around um but i also love mixing the flour in with my bowls if i don't want like a super heavy like knock me out kind of bowl then i will add cbd to get more of that body effect and that more of like that relaxing effect rather than more of like a high you know you know what i'm talking about you know because who am i to deny myself smoking but also like i would like to do it in a productive way

and cbd and thco really really helped me stay on that productive train you know but code smoke slash number son off pazpax.com love them hi hannah so i wanted to leave you a sappy little message because you deserve it and i also wanted to put in a good word for the new smoke sesh listeners um to show them that this is like an amazing podcast that they should definitely keep listening to. A few months ago, I was in a really bad situation and all of my friends were telling me to get out, but they had never been in an abusive situation before. So they didn't really understand how to convince me, I guess. And you were the only one that was like, it's going to be hard. You can't even see it when you're in it. You can't see how bad it is until you get out.

You need to do the work. You need to get out and give it time and then you'll understand. And I did that and I understand. And I can't stop putting myself in better places and getting out of bad situations since then so thank you so much because like you make a real difference and I know this stuff can be hard for you to talk about but oh my god like it's so important thank you so much this is the sweetest voice message ever thank you thank you for showing up thank you for showing up for yourself and putting the work in for yourself so then you can see that what I'm saying is like not delusional like we can all get better i promise like i pinky promise because i'm sure like what i say you know like your friend's trying to convince you like listen you just gotta

get out like sometimes when you hear that shit you're like whatever like i don't believe you which i feel like a lot of people might listen to this podcast and hear what i'm saying and think that but until you actually do it and yeah look back and see like holy shit what was i doing where was i like i needed to get out of that um i call it the smoke sesh effect you know what i mean whether it's listening to this podcast or sitting down with a group of friends and having a real heart-to-heart um you know you're going to come out the other side like more eye opened and wanting better for yourself and that's honestly all i want to put out into the universe more of that smoke sesh effect so i'm glad that it worked for you and thank you for listening and i love hearing

that it's having a positive effect in your guys's lives so i love you keep it up oh this is an interesting question someone asked top fave oh my god top five fave things this week um just in general which is very interesting so i'm gonna i'm gonna get into it top five favorite things um um dead silence clorox because i'm like sitting in my apartment it's so beautiful and it's so clean and i'm obsessed with it but i really really had to put in some work to get this bitch cleaned up and so shout out clorox um because that bottle was stuck in my hand all day yesterday and nothing feels better than like wiping the slate clean and getting your shit organized and pulling yourself together um uh tops or my second favorite thing this week

sunflowers flowers in general i've been wanting to surround myself with more plants and flowers so i think i'm gonna lean into that this week maybe go pick up a new little fresh bouquet from like trader joe's or whole foods and also maybe visit a little nursery at the end of the week um get myself some more plans for my apartment number three um friends i find myself in like position in like um moments where i'm like very very anti-social like i don't want to talk to every anybody everybody's draining me which is fine you have to listen to yourself and hear yourself when you're feeling that and you know give yourself a break but also when you're feeling like you want to hang out with people and then you finally do it's such a great feeling

um and i'm so glad that i ran into my friend the other day and we could have a fun little night together so definitely friends feeling very grateful for that one two three um number four i'm gonna say number four is uh let's go with the mexican food last night was so fun getting to just like sit down to dinner with someone and hang out and talk and put your phones down for the evening is just fantastic incredible great and i love mexican food i got these guacamole tostadas oh so good i know avocados aren't in season right now they finally come back in season like uh mid-september so i can't wait to finally have like ripe avocados again and make so much guac but yeah no late night tacos late night taco runs with people there is no better a feeling

and number five top five things this week top five things this week i'm trying to make it not so like um materialistic because i i did a top five things last week but it was like items and things that i've purchased you know what number five we're gonna go with vaseline i know i know i just have i haven't had my chapstick with me for like three days so i left it at work my little vaseline tube and i am like feeling hectic without it i am feeling lost without it um it's just like the one thing that i have to have on me 24 7 or else like the sides of my nose and my lips get so dry and then i feel crazy because i'm constantly licking my lips and constantly needing water and constantly like there's nothing bad with needing water but like

oh my god if there's one thing that i need it's to have my lips moisturized so vaseline for the win is that five i think we did five oh someone asked how to find your true style and how to um not follow trends of like hair and clothes this is a good question because i feel like well right now everybody's leaning so hard into identity that they're leaning out of identity does that make sense that they're like I don't want to look like anybody else I want to look so different that it's me and no one else can be me which here's the thing you have to understand that sometimes trends are fun and sometimes it's fun to lean into them and sometimes it's fun to follow them but if you make your whole personality a trend that's not fun and also if you make your

whole personality not a trend and you're too cool and you're you're not allowing yourself to give into fun things that's not fun either so you have to find like the right middle ground you also have to be just slightly delusional enough to trust in your instincts when it comes to clothing if you see something and you like it and you will wear it multiple times then i think it's something that should go in your closet period point blank um that's something i'm trying to deal with right now personally is finding items that i can build many many many different outfits with because i feel like when people are trying to lean away from trends they start collecting items that like you can wear once because it's just like a little crazy little out there but they're not things that

you can actually build outfits with um and i think that's a big problem and i think that's where people get stuck because then they get all of these items and they're like well i can't build any outfits out of these um so for me personally how i style myself and how i um really just put outfits together is i'll follow a little bit of trends here and there but personally my whole entire wardrobe is pieces that i found at the thrift or found like randomly on ebay or online and i've been like i can a wear that multiple times and b it's calling to me for some reason like I just enjoy it and I think I would enjoy wearing it and I think it's a fun reflection of who I am personally for me personally it's a lot of color it's a lot of pink it's a lot of green

it's a lot of fun um like 70s vibes 80s vibes um it's a lot of just like personal style that I wish I would have worn in like eighth grade um and leaning into that a lot I also don't dress one way i don't like give sporty every single day i also don't give chic every single day i dress based on how i'm feeling so if i wake up in the morning and i'm like wow i just like i want to wear big baggy clothes all day i lean into that i'm not going to be like well i'm going to put on a tight t-shirt and mini shorts you know i lean into that feeling and i go to my closet and i pick out whatever staple piece catches my eye first and then I usually build a outfit based on how I'm feeling and I think if you really just focus on the feeling of the day and how you want to

present yourself that day and build around that you will have a much easier time dressing for your true self so a collecting pieces that accurately reflect who you are not being afraid to give into trends if there's something that you really like you really like it whether it's a trend or not go for it but should you base your whole personality around trends no should you also base your whole personality around not following trends no once again there's a good middle ground and um also making sure you're dressing for how you're feeling i think that is the biggest way that you can really push your personality back into your wardrobe is focusing on how you're feeling and dressing that way for me today very calm casual a little bit lazy but

I didn't want to dress baggy because I kind of dressed baggy yesterday I wanted to go for like hot soccer mom so I'm wearing these like a baby blue like just like racer stripe long pants little kick flare pants a little bit of low rise um cute a little sporty and then also this cheetah print betsy johnson tank top and that's it and i would be wearing birkenstocks but my birkenstocks are in my boyfriend's car so i'm wearing black adidas um and it's a little bit lazy a little bit eclectic um lots of color because that's how i'm feeling today even though i am a little bit lazy and i feel like it's a pretty good accurate representation and all i had to do was walk into my closet and pick two random pieces that i never thought would go together but here we are

and i gave into that feeling and i dressed accordingly and i feel great and i think that's the way that a lot of people need to go but when it comes to outfit building I find a lot of inspiration online and that's okay I'm not picking up a picture and being like I need to have every single exact piece in this picture I'm looking at this picture and I'm asking why does it look so good what what kind of outfit building is going on here that makes it look good okay maybe it's like an oversized t-shirt and a mini skirt I don't need that exact oversized t-shirt and that exact miniskirt to build this outfit i have a miniskirt that's similar and i can find an oversized t-shirt in my closet that matches the similar miniskirt and i can build based on that um if you're having

trouble building outfits as well and getting having fun with building outfits it's fine to find inspiration you don't always need to have that same exact piece of clothing that that person is wearing and that's why i get so annoyed when people are like flooding people's comments like where'd you get this where'd you get this it's like babe you don't need that item you can find very similar ones on ebay on etsy wherever and you might even have it in your closet if you just look close enough but it's okay to find inspiration and take inspiration from outfit building and like how people are building things just remember to stay true to how you're feeling in that moment and stay true to how you're feeling um when you're picking out clothing as well does it accurately

reflect you do you really enjoy it or is this another trend is this another like popular item like question those things before you go out and spend all of your hard earned money you know what I mean hey Hannah uh it's Kara what's up dog I'm driving to school listening to last week's episode and you started talking about like adulting and I'm 18 and I'm like in the mindset of wanting to move out and get out and be free and like all that stuff you know and now I'm like oh shit I'm gonna miss my mom irrelevant that's like that's a different part of the story but I would love love love to hear some of your some of your tips on like adulting like money and bills and taxes or if you know anything like that or any guidance on like what steps to take to be successful

not successful but like not dirt poor miserable living in a cardboard box okay that's all love you love the pod peace hi i love your energy and i also love that that was submitted at 7 50 a.m like i wish i had that energy at 7 50 a.m i'm obsessed anyways i i'm still learning how to adult so i wish i could sit down and give you the rundown on like here's how you make money and here's how you make you pay your taxes and here's what to save here's what not to save but i can't lie i'm still learning and that's okay i feel like there's this emphasis placed on young people especially like when they're getting right out of high school or right out of college that you should know what the fuck you're doing right away and in fact that is not how that shit

works at all the key to adulting is trying okay that is it the key to adulting is simply showing up and trying because here's the thing if you show up and try you could fail yes but guess what you tried the thing and you learned something from it whether you succeeded or not and next time you're not going to do the thing that you messed up on and you're going to learn from your mistakes and you're going to do better inherently because you're going to learn from your mistakes or you're going to succeed and you're going to learn oh this thing really helped me succeed why don't I do it again but the key is to showing up and trying within your everyday life no matter what it is whether it's adulting whether it's a new project whether it's a new idea if you're too afraid to

start, you are never going to figure it out. And you're going to constantly live with yourself thinking, well, what if I did this? Well, what if I did this, but you're never going to actually get the answer unless you go out and do it and try. So literally, the key to adulting is just don't be afraid, take the risk, take the leap of faith, and trust in yourself that you will learn and you will grow because inherently you're going to learn and grow no matter what but don't be hard on yourself understand that you're not going to have all the answers right away literally ever um when has that ever occurred like we have we weren't born with the inherent knowledge of how to do things other than we need to eat and sleep um so why should we assume that we should know

every single other thing around the sun. I think it's all about trying and trying and trying and trying and seeing what works best for you. Because here's the thing, the things that I do to adult that help me might not work or help other people. So there's not specific like financial advice I can give or specific like tax advice I can give because honestly I'm still learning and working through it and I work a lot of very odd jobs so the tax advice that I'm going to give is going to be very different than tax advice I would give for somebody who's having like a regular job like a salary job um but I do think the overall arching key to growing up and being a successful adult is to simply be delusional be delusional enough to believe in yourself that you are willing to

try things because I feel like a lot of us just simply have a hard time trying new things and understanding that yeah you could succeed you could fail either way you need to believe in yourself and understand that at the end of the day you're going to learn something from it whether good or bad as long as you're learning something from it you'll be able to take that next step to do better no matter what so I hope that helps I just find myself being very afraid to try new things and I feel like it was holding me a holding me back longer than it needed to whether it's paying bills or whether it's trying a new project or like with this merch like uh it was a very hard project but I've gotten through it I'm still I'm wrapping it up I'm finishing it up

and sure there's things that I wish I would have done differently but now I've learned things and I've understood I've understood more things and next time when I go about making merch and creating things and working towards a goal I can use that previous knowledge to make sure round two goes better like I wish it wouldn't have taken a month to get these guys to get these out to you but there were things out of my control there were shipping issues there was a little bit of processing issues um but these are things that I learned about and I can avoid next time going around and do an even better job for you guys but i would have never learned if i never tried period point blank i would have never came to these conclusions or even understood any of this

process if i never tried so if you need a sign to really take that next step to really just believe in yourself and be willing to show up for yourself and try new things this is your sign um this is your sign to do it to be unafraid to be uninhibited and to believe in yourself even when no one else does um because honestly the only thing that you're gonna get from it is you're gonna learn and in turn you're gonna do better oh someone asked how would I like flirt or dirty talk in a not awkward way with a guy I like I love this question um I also got another question of like how to dirty talk with my boyfriend and have it not be awkward I think so much intimacy is built through conversation and that is why I am a huge proponent of dirty talk literally I

love it and I used to hate it I used to be the most awkward bitch in the room but now I'm obsessed because I realized it really really helps build connection and it helps build that intimacy and here's why so when you're in the middle of the deed or when you're just starting out in the deed I feel like there is a lot of pressure that you two should have this mental bond that you guys should inherently understand what the other person is thinking and I feel like this leads to a lot of miscommunication especially in relationships and especially during sex because we are not mind readers nor are we body language experts so why the fuck are we assuming during sex and during these experiences that we should be able to understand each other telepathically

no that's not possible and i think that's where a lot of confusion and like hurt comes from from sex is people not communicating um and it's a problem it is a problem and i know it's a problem because i've been in a lot of problem situations like this where i'm not saying like speak up for yourself but like kind of speak up for yourself and i'm not talking like uh like serious situations here i'm talking just average normal sex with your partner um you know when things get uncomfortable when you maybe don't like a position say it you know like when the shit's hurting i'm like okay we gotta switch positions but as well as when you are enjoying something say it okay because that is how we as humans are going to connect and understand oh this is what they like this is what

i'm going to keep doing you can't read the room based on silence or based on moans here and there like you can read based on moans it's a little bit of verbal communication but let's give each other some praise let's talk to each other let me emphasize that oh my god i like this i enjoy this or oh let's switch positions if i don't like this or uh can you try this or asking them to do things I feel like um like a lot of men get turned on when you like not encourage them but you ask them to participate it's like you're like hey do this they're like oh hell yeah okay you know what I mean and same like when my partner's like hey do this I'm like okay hell yeah thank you for communicating with me thank you for telling me what you want thank you for involving me in this

so i don't have to fucking be like i don't really know what i'm doing but i guess i'll try this and i hope it works out you know what i mean if we were all just more communicative during sex i feel like we would all be a lot more connected as well because i feel like we've we've all been there when we're having sex and it's silent and you're like is this person enjoying this like are we enjoying this what's going on you know and we can avoid that all together if we as partners communicate openly and during sex and it's hard at first it's hard i get it it is hard okay as somebody who's extremely awkward it's hard to like talk but if you just lose yourself and you let yourself open your open your mind up to that stream of consciousness and the things that you're

thinking in your head just say out loud when in your head you're like oh my god that feels incredible say it out loud when you want to praise your partner just say it there's like you should be able to laugh and have fun and talk during sex and if you're with a partner who you can't do that with i don't know if that's the right partner for you or i don't know if they're maybe mature enough to even be having sex at this point um but i think you know you should be able to laugh and you should be able to giggle like sex is awkward it's confusing you got to figure it out together you got to figure out what you like what you don't like and in order to do so you need to build that intimacy and build that trust and i really really really think a majority of it comes from you guys

communicating during sex so yeah be like i don't know if there's anything that you want your partner to do just ask encourage them a little bit say oh my god that feels incredible oh my god that feels great i love the way you do this i love the way you do this harder softer whatever it is that you're craving speak on it okay and don't let yourself hold yourself back in a way because i held myself back a lot um thinking that it was going to be weird or awkward but you shouldn't feel weird or awkward um and i understand that at first it might feel a little uncomfortable because it's a new thing but your partner should catch on pretty quickly and it becomes fun and it becomes more like of an experience once you guys involve yourself more

deeply and more connected in that way because we're not mind readers okay no one's gonna understand what the other person is thinking so to make sex better and to make you know know that experience better dirty talk okay dirty talk also like if you want to build intimacy before the whole sexual experience dirty talk with your partner um like text send a little photo um you know whisper in their ear something at dinner like very simple ways that you can like build that intimacy but i do believe it all comes from communication because i think we can all agree there is nothing worse than having to sit with somebody and try and guess what they're feeling that is awful so if i personally as a partner can break that kind of like

uncomfortable feeling and i can make my partner feel secure by simply communicating how i'm feeling whether good or bad then that is my job and that is my responsibility if something's on my mind and this goes past like sex but something's on my mind and i don't like something it is my responsibility to speak on that otherwise why should my partner assume that anything is wrong i used to be the kind of person who would cross my arms and like lean my legs to the other side of the car and not say what i'm feeling but like as a partner that is so stressful and so concerning because i don't know why is it wrong and i don't know what's going on and i don't know how to fix this and every time i ask you what's wrong you say nothing so in order to like build

that healthy relationship and build that like intimacy and trust say what the fuck you're feeling and i'm not saying be disrespectful but if something's bothering you bring it up if you like something bring it up if you really really enjoyed a night with your partner bring it up if you need to apologize bring it up but i do think a lot of this like awkwardness and this tension that does arise in relationships can be you know dismissed with just a little bit of communication just a little bit okay so if you find yourself having a hard time speaking up for yourself try it just once i guarantee as soon as you say something you will feel the weight release off your shoulders also if you want to build that intimacy build your sex life up a

little bit like um encourage your partner ask them to do things you know um call them that name that they like you know what i mean like whatever it is whatever their kink is but really lean into that and encourage them because the same way that you want to be encouraged and like um like worshipped almost during sex your partner wants it too so have that conversation open yourself up speak what you want but yeah i think a lot of intimacy is built from um just being open and honest and communicating with your partner that was a whole ramble on communication i don't know if any of that made sense i hope i touched somebody here um who maybe is a little too afraid to speak up in their relationship i don't think you should ever feel afraid um and if you

are feeling afraid like if you're feeling really really afraid to say something in your relationship that is a red flag um but if you're feeling afraid because you're feeling afraid of like you being awkward and you are kind of putting that pressure on yourself release yourself okay release yourself of that pressure and release yourself of that pain and just say what the fuck you're feeling babe someone said i can't stop fucking picking my face dude oh my god how can i stop fucking picking my face dude it's all red now i regret it but i can't not here are the three things that i live by as a habitual face picker and body picker like if i have acne anywhere like i'm picking at it number one always stay three feet away from mirrors

okay your face will thank you your mental health will thank you but listen if you get an inch away from a mirror of course you're gonna see every fucking pore and every fucking tiny little blemish that you don't need to mess with my rule is stay three feet away so you can only see like the characteristics that you need to see to like do your makeup or do your hair do whatever there's no reason you need to be an inch away from the mirror so if you're an inch away from the mirror red flag something's going on step back you know what i mean catch yourself in the act number two is nails if i have my nails short it makes picking up my skin very easy which is why i always have acrylics and i always always have them in either like a point or in like a rectangle shape so that

i can't get the right angle on my acne ever and i literally can't pick any acne because i can't get under i can't dig in at my face to get it so that has really stopped me it's like declawing a cat which is not good not good not good but for me personally great i really need to get declawed you know what i mean so if anything i clawed myself and gave myself long ass nails so i can't do it and number three is um fine products so when you do mess up you can save yourself and you can help yourself with that regret you know what i mean um star face pimple patches love incredible they really remind me to not pick at my face and not touch my face as well as like doing my makeup if i do my makeup then i am like i can't touch my face because i don't want to mess up my makeup

you know what i mean and also a benzoyl peroxide cleanser you can spot treat with like um acne that you're getting or if you go into a phase where you just pick the fuck out of your skin a benzoyl peroxide um face wash I use the CeraVe one is incredible to help like just get rid of all the bacteria that you have now dug into your skin so those are my tips and tricks I love you I understand the struggle someone asked um how to not feel like a loser if we're not going to school even though i don't want to do that at all idk uh been there been been there i dropped out of college twice so i definitely have been there um the first time was for it just wasn't the right path it wasn't in your instance it wasn't what i wanted to do and i didn't really know what i

wanted to do so I knew me continuing down a path that I didn't want to continue down wasn't going to benefit me in any sort of way um number two uh second time I dropped out was because of the pandemic I was going to art school um I didn't understand why I should be paying so much money to go to art school when we were doing online art school and I wasn't learning anything and I wasn't grasping anything and it seemed like a waste of money so those were the two reasons I dropped out of school both times I was met by a lot of judgment a lot of judgment now I'm not gonna sit here and be like I hate school school is awful you don't need school you don't need to go to college because i genuinely don't believe that i feel like i am very lucky to be a self

starter and to be very driven and passionate and have a passion that i can throw myself into outside of like school and studying and i can motivate myself and make money off of myself but i also think i'm very lucky and very grateful to be in that position because not a lot of people have it. And I think school and college is a great place for people who kind of need to get their foot in the door to kind of figure out what they want to do, if that makes any sort of sense. But if you are, you don't know what you want to do, you are unsure of what, you know, direction you want to go down, I don't think wasting all of your money on a big expensive college is beneficial okay if you're unsure and you don't know what to do and you don't know what

steps to take i think community college is a great fucking place okay it's a little cheaper it's uh you're gonna have the same professors and same like lessons that the people going to the big private school are going to be taught because half the time the professors at one school teach at multiple schools okay like my art professors would teach at my school and then they would go to KU and teach there and the lessons weren't any different I was just paying way way more so if you're unsure what you want to do but you want to keep your life moving kind of forward and you keep on you want to keep taking those steps I think community college is a great place and I also think college is a great place I don't think people should be as afraid of college as they are

as long as you focus on where you're going to school and not what you're doing like if you have no idea what the fuck you want to do that's totally fine just make sure the college you are going to is a place that can you know make you successful as a human being um and i mean that by you know who i am i'm a little crazy i'm a little fun i'm a little wild i don't like rules and i chose for my first college to be a private Catholic school which really did not set me up for success because I felt like I was fighting my college a majority of the time I was there which is not fun okay but say if I would have thought a little bit more about it and been like oh I want to go to a college in this place because this is a place that I want to live

um and the student body seems to represent who I am and there's a lot of fun things going on that i think would really encourage me to get out then i think it's a good choice for a college but yeah i dropped out of college the first time around because it wasn't what i wanted to do i did not want to be a nurse i hated my life i was super depressed and i also hated where i was at school now if i would have picked a college that i think could have set me up for success as a person more so than a private catholic school which doesn't align with who i am at all then I think I would have been able to change majors and continue on. But since the major I was doing was so against who I was and the college I was going to was so against who I was, it just

simply was not going to work out for me. Now, art school was great. I loved it. The college really supported me. I really felt at home at the college. I wasn't really a part of any big clubs or anything like that, but art school made sense for me. And I was in Kansas City, which also made sense for me because I had grown up there um so I think college can be very very beneficial for those who might need it but also for those who don't need it nor want to go I have felt that weird awkward pressure that I'm sure you're feeling you know when you're going to family events and you know everybody's like oh you're what are you doing you in college and you have to be like no and then they have to be like oh well that's okay there's nothing wrong with that and you have to be like well why was

why would there be anything wrong with that you know what i mean we as a society have set up how people should live from ages 0 to ages 25 and that is school school school school college maybe more college and then a job and when you deter off that societal timeline people get weirded out which is kind of funny to see because now that i have like more of a confidence in myself it's kind of funny to see people slip up and be like you're not in college what do you mean and it's like why are you so pressed about what i'm doing with my life you know but when you're a little bit more insecure in your choices or unsure, that kind of doubt from other people used to freak me the fuck out and used to make me second guess myself a lot. I think as long as you

are taking steps towards bettering yourself, towards focusing on yourself, towards building a future for yourself, then there's no reason for you to go to school, okay? Especially if you don't want to um like i said school is very important i love school i think you should go to school i think school is great um but say you don't want to waste all the money or you cannot afford it or you are unsure of what you want to do right now those are all absolutely totally valid points especially when college is so expensive and put people into so much debt i think it's just very very important to not waste the time that you're spending outside of college. Um, for about two years, I was out of art school. It's been three years now. I should, I should be graduating this

year. You know what I mean? But I'm not obviously, but for the first two years that I was out of college, I was really just stumbling and pretending that I was taking steps towards, uh, who I wanted to be I really was not I was just taking it a day at a time which I think is okay but I also think it put me behind in the goals that I wanted to achieve as long as you are working your way forward in whatever steps possible and you are committing to that then I think it's okay to be out of school but also like really really focus on your future and what you want to do and work hard towards those things. Whether it's, okay, well, I want to work towards saving money so that I can eventually go to college, or I want to get an internship here and work at my internship

outside of work and, you know, gain some life experience. Because there's two ways you can get a job. You can get a job through complete and utter experience and no schooling, or you can get a job from no experience and only schooling unfortunately those are the only two ways to go about getting a job you have to have experience or you have to have schooling and i learned that wonderfully you don't always need school and as long as you work and you put yourself out there and you make the connections and you do the internships you can get very far with simply just having experience in the realm of what you want to do. So take that internship, take that odd job, but make sure it's aligning with where you want to go in the future and you're not just

spending every day sitting around avoiding thinking about it because you're nervous. Because that's where I was and I regret all the time that I lost and all the possibilities and relationships that I could have formed that i lost that could have gotten me very very far so do i think school's for everybody no do i think you should go to school yes i do think it's very important but there are other ways you can go about succeeding in six in society without having schooling and not a lot of people know that especially older people so when you tell them you're not going to school they're gonna be like what the fuck what do you mean and i think that's when this kind of theory comes into play of you don't need to explain yourself to anybody does that make

sense and that's a harsh rule that i had to kind of enact with myself because i would find myself in these conversations and i would find myself getting really anxious like trying to force myself to flex for these people to make them feel better about who they're talking to but in reality i feel comfortable with who i am and i feel comfortable in the choices i'm making so why should i have to explain myself in any sort of way you either get it or you don't and if you don't get it i'm not gonna force you to get it you know what i mean so when people would be like oh what are you doing i would just be like oh i'm just working here and they'd be like well what are your plans for the future and literally my answers would be like oh you know i'm still figuring it out oh you know uh

i'm unsure right now i'm still deciding i'm just enjoying my 20s i'm just doing this but there's no reason that you need to really go out of your way and over exert and over explain yourself because i would waste so much of my my time trying to do that especially with people who were simply just wanting to know things about me there's other things i can share about me that are not schooling and not career orientated. I don't know why we focus so much of our identities on those things. Like, why don't you ask me about my hobbies? Oh, well, I'm doing a lot of art right now. Oh, well, I just started doing this class right now and I'm really enjoying it. I just started whatever it is, you know? Just share your successes in whatever ways possible, but also

don't feel the need to explain yourself when other people might not understand what you're kind of going through right now because a lot of people are simply not gonna get it and that is totally okay for them but as long as you get it and you're working forward and you're trying to better yourself and to move forward into your future in whatever direction that you possibly want that is all that matters just don't stumble okay well i mean you're gonna stumble you know what i mean don't sedate yourself maybe is a better word don't lose years of your life you know stumbling around refusing to take the first step towards what you want because you're afraid okay like i said you have to try in order to learn um if you don't try you're simply never

ever going to learn um the best artwork is not the first thing that's created okay it's the second the third the fourth the fifth thing that's created after you've learned from all of those other times that you have um tried doing so i remember when i would go to art school and i would sit down and i would be there for eight hours like after school simply recreating and recreating and retrying and this doesn't look good and it wasn't the first time that i ever got it the piece was just like perfect it was probably the hundredth and i learned that lesson in the realm of art I just never really translated it to my personal life until now and I realized that really life is all about trying you're gonna fail you're going to succeed both of those things are

true you cannot be afraid of one or the other you simply have to learn from the experiences that you gain and if you do not try you are never going to gain those experiences okay I love all my girlies who are in school right now i hope you're succeeding i hope you're staying mentally sane the best thing you can do while you're in school is really just try and be on top of your organization of like your time and if you're outside of school don't be afraid to try you have more free time you have more avenues that you can dip your dip your toes into you know what i mean take up that internship if something interests you go try that job go try this experience you also have more free time save up some money and go travel you know but i don't think you should

just sit and wait for things to present themselves to you because that will simply never happen as long as you're showing up and you're trying and you are never giving up on yourself whether you win or whether you fail you in the long run will end up succeeding do you know what i mean because you've learned and you'll grow and you'll progress but yep two-time college dropouts that's always a fun one to bring up at the family events oh my god it's just so stressful that's why family events I really avoid talking about anything that I'm doing career career wise I'm always like oh well yesterday I did this and they're like oh that sounds fun you know just like divert the conversation if you can because there's no reason to talk about

and trying to explain yourself to people who simply aren't going to understand do you know what i mean you either get it or you don't and either way it's not up to me to try and explain it to you but i love you guys i hope you're having a wonderful tuesday this has been a fun little podcast it's like 1 30 i gotta get this out to you guys um lessons of the day don't forget to be a little delusional believe in yourself and never give up never stop trying um and yeah i hope you're having a wonderful week i work so much at the end of the week i work like the next five days it's gonna be it's gonna be insane but the money better be good i cannot wait i hope you guys are working hard i hope you're having a wonderful fucking week and i will see you either

at the end of the week or tuesday one of the two it's just it's a really big gamble when i'm gonna pop up you know what i mean i think that's what makes it fun i love you guys have a wonderful weekend i will see you soon