Smoke Sesh - Covid & quarantining

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

Happy Tuesday everyone! I caught Covid and missed the holidays, I’ll catch you up on everything that went down and how I’m trying to survive isolation, how to combat loneliness, and your questions on inner peace, feeling pretty, male validation & why you don’t need it, and Hannahs shoplifting phase. Let’s light up and hang out, welcome to Smoke Sesh with Hannah

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, someone to look out for them. Some people call me their internet big sister, others their fairy smoke mother. You can call me Hannah, the new host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. Some good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Alright, hello everybody. this podcast will probably come out late considering the fucking day i'm having um

well i hope you all had a great christmas um i'll update you guys on mine but if you don't follow me on instagram and notice all the chaos that was happening i for the last podcast that i recorded um i'm sorry if my energy was a little low or i was a little like off i was not feeling good and i was like i gotta put a podcast out though because it's christmas and i'm not putting two out so i gotta put one out um and like i want to it's something fun i do for myself like i look forward to it every week so like of course i'm gonna make that my priority so i spent the morning recording that podcast and then by the afternoon i was just like i do not feel good i need to go get a covid test or something because i have to work tomorrow so i need to get that shit figured

out if i'm gonna have to work tomorrow i need to know if it's like the flu i don't want to get people like sick so I went to literally three three different CVS's looking for those rapid tests everybody was out and I didn't want to go inside and like expose anybody even though I was wearing a mask and I so I was like trying to call them before I got to all the CVS's like trying to talk to the pharmacy or somebody there just to ask so I didn't have to go inside but literally none of them were answering so I had to go inside and ask people and they were like yeah no we're out even the availability online said they weren't out so I was like oh my god over it big time just like over it so I call my mom my mom's like well we bought one a while ago for your dad we have an

extra one it was like one of the at-home tests where you get two of them just in case just do like a more thorough testing just in case the other one is a false positive or a false negative so I come over and I'm like okay let me take the test I take the test and um 15 minutes later there's like it it looks obviously negative but there's like some weird little faint line going on and if you guys know how a pregnancy test works it's like you get one line for negative and two lines for positive and um I just always heard like if you see even like the faintest line like that means you could possibly be pregnant so like be careful or like whatever and there's like a little faint line on my covid test so i was talking to my mom i was like does that isn't

like with pregnancy tests where it's like anyways she was like no it's probably negative so just roll with that answer for now but take it to the doctors you should probably go get a flu test so i'm like okay i'll get a flu test or whatever so i drive to the doctors and they said it's like a 60 minute wait at the um like what is what are they fucking called uh the like minute clinics but not the minute clinics like walk-in health care you know so i go there they're like it's 60 minutes you can just wait in your car i'm like okay perf i can just hang out in my car three hours later three hours later literally i'm about to piss my pants i had to call them to be like can you let me in so i can go pee and they let me in to go pee and then made me go sit back

in my car for another hour another hour that is how many people were in there getting covid tests like i could barely get in and then i finally got in and they're like okay well i know you had a negative covid test but let's give you another one just in case because sometimes they have a tendency to be a false negative and i was like okay whatever i really do just think it's the flu um but they gave me both which is like a bitch because you have to get like the nose swab but like double and holy shit it just tickles so much i was like girl can i have some tissues so i don't like sneeze in your face like I'm so sorry and um hold on so sorry someone else uh messaged me and was like or not some this only has only happened once this is like only comment I've ever heard

but let me know if I need to change my microphone settings but someone was like you're smacking your lips into the microphone and it like freaks me out and I'm like I'm so sorry I just genuinely don't put a lot of thought into where my microphone is and I really need to have like a full setup and that probably wouldn't happen but straight up i just record on my phone so apologies i guarantee the quality will get better as soon as i learn how to do that um i really need to maybe that's what i'll do during quarantine anyways they come back 15 minutes later they're like yeah you're positive with covid i was like oh what like are you fucking kidding me like i had like a such a fun christmas planned with like my family and my boyfriend and i'm so

excited for it because my last Christmas literally sucked like I hated my last Christmas I was like super excited for this one and then I was like holy shit like I have COVID and then I called my mom and she started yelling at me because she was like well you should have been more and I was like we this is not the time for this like I do not have time for you to be upsetting me so I literally have been quarantining what has it been like four days now like since Wednesday last Wednesday I think it's Tuesday so almost a week I gotta do 10 days no matter what um that's just my work company policy and then better yet oh wait let me get into it um well Christmas you know I had Christmas Eve spent that alone um woke up Christmas morning alone I put on my Instagram story and I

was like I'm having a quarantine Christmas for you guys want to Venmo me for an eighth and literally like so many people Venmo'd me speaking of I need to shout you guys out one of you guys actually Venmo'd me for like a full eighth like you Venmo'd me $35 I was like that you're a real fucking bitch what is your name let me find you I want to shout out the people who did send me money because that is so sweet Kat sent me $35 literally I love you you are the sweetest person ever alexandra um bailey um ashlyn sunia i'm so sorry if i mispronounce that um priscilla brianna maddie lauren hannah rebecca thank you so much you guys are literally the fucking best i'm so sorry if i miss your name your name i'm just like i don't think you understand how many

bowls i've had this morning i've had such a bad morning i got home and i literally just like been hitting bowl after bowl after bowl so if I misspeak or like my mouth even if it sounds dry like I got caught mouth like a bitch I'm so sorry but thank you guys all so much for sending me like any sort of money that is so sweet um I am belligerently high because of you right now so thank you if you guys are interested in sending me money though you can send it to at Hannah Marlene joking you don't have to send me shit I don't care I just thank you for listening that's literally all i could ever ask for you um or from you but yep spent christmas um morning alone and then my boyfriend came over we did presents um he started feeling sick even though like after

i realized i had covid we had spent time away from each other masked up if we were going to be around each other um he started feeling a little bit of like so my symptoms have been um this is actually very interesting i told my friend this who's a nurse she was like that's kind of odd it must be the new strain or something because it's like unlike anything she's seen well not like unlike anything you know what i mean but i feel like the most common ones are you know the smell the taste um you diarrhea you're lethargic and you have a cough right well i haven't really had any of those if anything like my symptoms have been very very similar to that of um shit okay so when i got my vaccine i got the j and j i know not the best choice um

that shit put me on my ass for a day literally like migraine fever body chills body aches like my joints ached so fucking bad all my joints like i had i was basically like in the fetal position for like 24 hours sweating i was nauseous i i literally couldn't eat anything like i could not eat anything no that was only 24 hours like that's it it was like a very very minimal amount of time when i got my shot so i was like whatever now get this when i got sick from covid i didn't really have any symptoms um the first couple days other than a runny nose the thing that made me go get a test just because I had a fever and body chills and body aches like craziness like and then it after that like 24 hours after that it was exactly like when I got my shot like the exact

fucking same thing and I didn't really have a cough like not really a sore throat like it was really just like my body and it felt kind of like the flu I don't know it was very odd but just 24 hours i was like literally if i had to go through that like okay so imagine if i was unvaccinated right imagine if i didn't have any sort of vaccine i would have been fucked like i could not have had those symptoms for like a week which is what people who aren't vaccinated are going through or like more than a week or even have them have them been any worse like i was going through so much i couldn't imagine having like respiratory issues on top of all of that going on and then like for multiple days like I simply would have died quite honestly I can handle a short little

24 hour period maybe two days I didn't even have two days it was literally just 24 hours and then I started feeling fine um but if it was multiple days and I wasn't unvaccinated that would have been horrible so please like I'm begging you wear your mask go get vaccinated stay safe but yeah um I started feeling bad and then I accidentally got my boyfriend sick so now we're both quarantined and yeah um can't do new year's eve anymore like i was talking about like so excited for like can't do any of that i'm just stuck in my house so it's like i don't know we're just trying to make the best of a fucking crazy situation i guess and if you guys are out there like please be careful you have no idea how many people are getting sick right now like it took me four hours

to get a test a test that's how many people were in front of me that were also testing for covid and we're forced to wait in their cars you know what i mean so just like it's you're better safe than sorry like you don't want to feel sick and you don't have to quarantine for forever because i'm so fucking bored like i'm so bored you have no idea but hey i got this to do this will keep me busy i'm very excited to get into some questions um i'm so lucky i'm feeling better if you guys have gone through anything i'm so sorry if you've gone through any loss i'm so sorry um please go get vaccinated please stay safe if you are vaccinated get boosted that's also very important um because really like my symptoms weren't too bad like 24 hours easy peasy uh

like i could have died though anyways let's take a fucking hit because that seems necessary at this point, um, I'm so lucky, I'm so lucky I'm not really having, like, respiratory issues, because I feel like it is, like, a respiratory illness, you know what I mean, it's passed from, like, your respiratory system coughing sneezing saliva all that shit um to another person's and i feel like a lot of people have had like breathing issues it's the main issue with covid and why so many people die i was so fucking lucky i have none of that because i have been smoking so much weed so much weed now the first day when i like the first day i had symptoms i was like not interested in smoking at all because tbh i felt like i was dying um but like sorry i should not

laugh like i know people have actually died like that uncalled for but like i really felt like i was dying holy shit like it did not feel good it didn't it like i when i say i could not have done 10 plus days of that what people are doing in the hospital i genuinely mean that like you guys need to go get vaccinated i'm gonna say that a lot if you're an uh if you're an anti-vaxxer also straight up like I know everybody has a choice but like we just don't see eye to eye and I don't think you're gonna like this podcast and if you do like this podcast I don't think it's podcast for you like you need to get vaccinated like it's a very selfish decision for people to not get vaccinated you know what I mean also like why would you not like I'm thinking about what I

would have gone to if I wasn't vaccinated like holy shit I would have quite honestly yeah it would have not been good but I'm very lucky to be here very lucky to have this podcast to do to keep me busy I have been going insane quite honestly I've just kind of been sitting on my phone and doing a whole lot of nothing I need to get creative in this time I really need to like a lot of you guys ask me like what what should I do if I'm like lonely what should I do if I'm alone well guess what I'm in yearbook now like I have literally nothing to do I can't go to work there's no distractions around me so like what i plan on doing like here's what i plan on doing um so my space is very very important to me like where i live where i create like it needs to feel

um like i need to feel a connection to it you know what i mean i feel like decorating your space and um organizing your space in a way that you enjoy it is very very important to you enjoying also like your life you know what I mean like if there's anything we should enjoy in life it's the simplicities of just being able to decorate our space and feel good in the area that we're in the same way that we would feel good about the body we're in um like your home is not only just your body but it's also the space you inhabit so I ordered like I'm looking at my closet it's literally stressing me out and it's like if you see something that's stressing you out like you have the choice of either fixing it or you're just gonna keep being stressed like that's just

how life works like you're either gonna take control of the situation and make yourself feel better or you're just gonna keep suffering quite honestly and every time i look at my closet i really need to post a picture of it because it's k chaos um i just have so many clothes like i'm i'm low-key a hoarder but i do wear a lot of them and also a lot of it is stuff that i'm gonna sell on depop so a um i bought like off of wayfair you guys remember the whole drama there was on wayfair people are like there are children getting sold in like cabinets and closets off of wayfair that's that was really funny that was like peak pandemic but um that's not true also that was not a real thing but i ordered like a little organizer slash like dresser that i can

put in my room and then I can kind of get some of the fucking like congestion out of my closet and organize it and put it somewhere that I can actually like use it and actually see my clothes so I got that um that'll also help spice up my bedroom a little bit because I can put like little knickknacks on that and then I can pop up my mirror so I can see myself um and then I ordered two side tables because so my room how it works is like I live in a house but I live in the um I live in the attic so but it's like an attic that's been converted into a room my the owner of the house used to live here until she moved out so more people can move in and it's like a room with like a little mini like sink bathroom area attached to a living room like a pretty big size

living room and you go up to two flights of stairs oh my god I have the worst cotton mouth right now where the fuck is my water bottle so sorry you go up like two flights of stairs to reach it but it's a lot of space like it's a lot of space but i still have to consolidate in a way because it's more of a rectangular shape space not like a square shape space so i want to get a poll eventually so i'm not gonna get a um i'm trying to describe this in a way that it works over podcast because i know you guys can't see what i'm seeing but i'm gonna try and use my big girl brain and describe it purposefully but um i don't want to put a coffee table in the middle of my living room because it just it takes up so much space it feels like more congested um so right now

everything that i have that would go on a coffee table is kind of like all my bongs and all my shit is just sitting on the ground just like on the ground and that gives me a lot of stress because it feels like everything's like out of place but also it feels like i'm gonna fucking step on something every single time i'm sure i walk in my living room so i ordered two like cute little circle gold side tables with like glass tops oh my god adorable um so i should get delivered today and then i'll be able to clean up and kind of decongest my space also my boyfriend brought me some of his old i was like i also like getting creative especially in my room um either through like the art i'm gonna put up i quite honestly just hang up a lot of my own art i

don't really buy um prints too often i do like to buy prints though i think you should always try and support local artists or not even local but just like small artists that you enjoy a lot of the artists on instagram um i do need to reach out to them and get a print i need to support them because i have a lot of favorites and i share them on my instagram quite often but um i usually just hang up my own art in my room so i was upset that i was stuck here and i didn't have any like i don't have any canvas i don't have any paper i just have my paint i was like well i don't have anything to paint on i don't want to paint on my walls so my boyfriend brought over um a big roll of like plain canvas so i can just cut out whatever shape i need and paint on it and then he bought he

brought over a lot of his old skateboards so i can paint on those and hang them up so i kind of hung a few of those up because I already painted on the grip tape of one like when we first started hanging out I painted all over it so I hung up that skateboard already um so just like hanging up and cleaning up your room and making it a space you actually want to enjoy and live in I think is very important to feeling less lonely feeling connected to yourself also like I mentioned I think I'm gonna get a poll I messaged my friend she is like the most beautiful the most wonderful like divine person i've ever met i do need to reach out to her to hang out she's so cool she also um is so talented and so beautiful and she strips and she does pole work and it's

incredible and every time i see it i'm like blown away and i love like the um like um the angles of it all and the way the body moves and like as an artist as somebody who has like drawn a lot of people and done a lot of like life drawing and work through that like seeing the way the body you contorts and the shapes and the lighting is like very beautiful very interesting and it's always something i've admired about her so i'm like why don't i just get a pole and i asked her what she uses and the ones she uses are like very very nice shit you know what i mean like high grade shit but she's doing this like every day so of course you have to have like quality shit so i'm like do i invest in like a cheap hundred dollar pole or do i get like a you know

a solid like three hundred dollar one the ones that aren't gonna like fucking fall off while i'm spinning around it and like i'm gonna break my neck you know what i mean um so i think i'm gonna get one of those either way just so i have and if i'm not gonna do that i'm at least gonna do yoga or something in my room just so i can be connected to my body and feel good because like i used to go on runs a lot and i kind of developed a really unhealthy um attachment towards working out especially in college so I kind of have a hard time like getting back into working out but I do understand that um because it's hard to figure out my relationship between that and working out I feel like I need to find a very healthy way of doing it and I think pole could be incredible for

that um but also yoga and I can avoid like any sort of triggers and like the gym in general but um working out really is like incredible incredible for you your mind your body your spirit your health like um I remember when I was younger and I was depressed sorry if I'm clearing my throat a lot too um it's the COVID like I do kind of have like a little bit of drainage going on so apologies if I'm a little snotty a little sick thank you for dealing with me and like hearing me out and hanging out it's wonderful to have you but um I remember when I was younger like around I know specifically like 13 14 and my dad he's a he was a track coach like all growing up he always like coached people did some sort of sport like always that's his passion

and um I described him once as Ted Lasso but like a little bit more aggressive and I feel like that's pretty accurate like my dad low-key is Ted Lasso and it's so funny watching that show because I'm like that that's like watching my father but he's like a little bit more scary and I think that's because he's my father but um I remember always being like sad and like whatever you know I was going through my depressive phase if you guys have listened to the mental health episode of the podcast you know I talked about it he would always tell me like oh why don't you go out for a run why don't you go do this why don't you go like work out or something and that would always piss me off because I'm like it's deeper than that like and it was like I did need him to actually

like acknowledge that I was having like mental health issues and not just that I needed to go the gym but like he is on to something like um like working out and being connected to your body and like doing yoga or doing like a little sit-ups here and there or like whatever makes you feel good and you you are in charge of finding that out you do have to test out what makes you feel the best um and where you can find a healthy relationship with it but it's like even just going for a walk for like 10 minutes around my neighborhood that has like such an increase on my mood after doing that even just sitting on my front porch like reading a book getting outside moving my body it will it's like greatly helps your mental health and I think that's why I

survived the first pandemic like oh my god I said the first pandemic as if there's going to be another one but like low-key it does feel like we're going into another lockdown situation we'll see i don't think there's any reason to panic yet but um i think i was so sane during the first pandemic because it was like warm out and i spent almost all of my time um sitting outside at the park and like walking around the park that's like all i did and i would facetime my friends or do whatever um but like being outside and like moving my body really did save me i think and it saved my mental health so if you ever have turned away working out i recommend it surprise surprise i do and i do need to get into it i just also have this issue where i don't know if you guys have

this issue but i will get like hyper focused on one thing and then i'll spend a shit ton of money on doing that like little hobby or thing and then i'll like fall out of the hobby so that's why i'm like i don't know if i want to invest 400 in a poll right now because i want to like i want to continue using it but I have to make myself stick to it you know like I can't give up just yet quite honestly I'm surprised I've gotten this far in the podcast like and I'm very proud of myself because I started talking about making a podcast like what holy shit a year ago two two years ago like oh my god I started teasing the idea of making a podcast and everybody's always been like hell yeah like please do it and I don't know why I never did or like I actually did sit down and

buy all the equipment I just never followed through with it and I don't know why I have an issue with following through with things but I'm proud of where I've gotten and I'm proud we're on episode like holy shit like 14 or something at this at this point like I sit down to write the little like I write them so quick I'm so sorry if they're bad the little like bios about every episode and it makes you put in like the um season and then the episode like when you're um um right doing a little write-up for spotify and every time i'm like trying to remember what episode we're on i'm like oh fuck are we over 10 like are we over 15 like holy shit anyways i'm proud of us we were we're doing it we're killing it that's it's incredible thank you for being here

anyways another thing that makes me go a little bit less insane is um art i mean like i said i am going to try and do some art do some decorating get creative i'm not sure in what way yet i do want to do a big mural i haven't really challenged myself artistically in a while um and i used to be challenged like every single day at art school and i fucking loved it and i really did excel there i'm not gonna lie like i don't have a lot of friends i didn't really have a lot of i don't know i kind of just stuck to myself but i if anything i did i worked really fucking hard and it paid off and I love the challenge so I think well like once you get into the real world and you get out of college a lot of people kind of feel lost because they're not challenged anymore

and in reality you kind of just have to create the challenges for yourself you have to you know give yourself those assignments like if you don't push yourself to do art you're not gonna do it because I don't have any assignments to fulfill I don't have like a tuition I'm paying you know what I mean I don't have a drive other than you know doing it for myself so I need to come up with a really good idea and um maybe a soft portrait in some sort of sense i did a little bit of art a while ago i think i posted on my instagram story but it was in a new fun style i love playing with color so you guys might see some cool stuff for me soon follow me on instagram if you want to see any of my art i will probably be creating a lot during this time a lot a lot on top of doing

probably a few more episodes of this i'm not sure if i'll get two more done but um i might just get bored and do some extra podcast episodes or go live or something I think that's a great way of connecting with people especially when you can't connect um like in directly in front of you like I physically cannot go outside and make friends so it's like it technology is a blessing in that sort of way because I constantly do feel connected and in touch and in reach to people and people who care about me which is i'm very lucky for um so that's like one blessing about technology well there's a lot of there's many many downfalls but that is one blessing um i'm probably gonna eat some mushrooms i'm not gonna lie i have um silodelic p-s-i-l-o period d-e-l-i-c i'm following

them on instagram you can go follow them too i believe they'll be private you have to be accepted but they um have um mushroom gummies so i got some mushroom gummies and um i still have some leftover and they're so cute they're for microdosing but i i might microdose some mushrooms a few times i think there's some meditations i need to do some journaling i need to do some books that have been sitting on my shelf that now i need to read you know what i mean there's so much i've accumulated and just like forgot about because i'm so busy and constantly moving that now i finally have the time and the energy and the focus to maybe like sit down and like actually do those things or experience that book you know what i mean i also need to take care

of my plants um i love keeping plants around me any sort of life any sort of growth i think that's very important for me especially during winter when there's not a lot of it going on outside um i have a pothos plant and i've always had one my dad actually gave it to me and it was dying it was his old like office plant and i have there's like i have like 17 cuttings around me of like um you can essentially just snip off at like the nodule that you'll see on the plant from where the leaf is growing um you can snip that off and then if you take that like little leaf the end of the leaf and put it in a jar of water it'll start growing roots and then you can plant it and you'll be good to go and the plant will survive and the more you cut them the faster they

grow it's literally like hair like these things are going crazy in my room and it's so cheap low-key i need to steal some for my work because my work has some but yeah i'll probably eat some mushrooms smoke a lot of weed and try to not go crazy i don't know uh i think a little bit of pampering myself you know online shopping is also important during this time treating myself remember like I think some packages at my doorstep will always make make me smile a little bit that's crazy I try to avoid online shopping genuinely but um now that I'm like locked in my house I'm like you know what uh I should go for it you know just like treat myself also if you guys need new a new year's eve dress I ordered two of them and they literally I literally can't

buy them so I might sell them on my instagram so keep an eye out okay sorry that was a big intro I'm not gonna lie I know I kind of answered someone's question let me turn my heater off I know I literally get so many questions about loneliness so I hope that little intro kind of helped a little bit that's how I'm at least trying to stay sane while being alone during this time but we can finally oh my god get into some questions and you guys always send me fantastic fucking fabulous questions and people are like how do you pick them and it's like straight up I am not like looking for any sort of like special thing it's just like what does Hannah's super high brain like gravitate towards just like right then like what catches my

interest then and then I read it off and whatever inspires me inspires me and I'm so sorry if I don't answer any of you guys with questions I promise at some point I will get to yours like i promise you like i guarantee it i'll get there eventually um but i can only do like what 10 questions a podcast i feel like that's what i usually do anyways let's get into some you know what the real fucking slap in the face is it's i have covid and i have my period what the fuck like the devil really came from my neck this week like are you kidding me no one should have i would never wish that on my enemy quite honestly okay someone asked me how did i achieve my um level of inner peace and like vibes i agree i feel like i do have a very calm sense of inner peace but also

i have spent like a majority of time on this planet having a very chaotic sense of inner peace like absolutely none like i have been overrun with anxiety for like a majority of my life okay so i really just had to get to me being like do i want to worry about this like do i want to spend the rest of my time worrying about this do i just like it's my choice like no offense it's my choice if i want to be anxious about this or not like i could just move on like get over it try and do better like if it comes back of course handle it feel my emotions fully but like it's my choice if i want to freak the fuck out about this or not like i can either just be like you know what it is what it is or i can just live in anxiety and it got to the point where i was just constantly

living in so much anxiety about things that i had no control over like none no control so i was like what's the point of me worrying about this and when i feel those feelings and i'm like freaking out about things that I have like like me getting COVID me freaking out about that I was like okay well I did everything I could do as in tell people I've been around you know like quarantine myself try and like you know avoid people tell people I've been with do what I can and I've done all that so like what's the point in freaking out what why are we still freaking out you know what I mean like sure it sucks my plans have changed I have to move on or else I'm just gonna be sad and I don't have time for that I mean I do have a lot of time to be sad but I don't because that will drive me

insane so when I do get that way I really do just have to be like does it matter like it is what it is I need to move on um I'm not sure if that helps but really it's just having an internal conversation with yourself and kind of just like weighing the pros and cons can you do anything about it can you handle the situation what can you do to better yourself and actively making the choices that do better yourself um and then you do you'll start to feel better i guarantee you just have to enact it into your life okay this is a fantastic question like fantastic and i'm gonna load another bowl for it but someone asked me how do i stop craving male validation and like valid question i feel like i get a lot of this question on tiktok as well

people are always like how the fuck do i stop craving it and it's like listen it's not your fault okay we have what grown up in a um society that has conditioned like women to constantly believe that they're like not whole unless they have a man like literally every disney movie is that like think about it like little mermaid she literally did not even like herself she sold like her favorite part of herself to make a man happy to be with a man like that's insane that's psychotic you should never ever do that like if anything that should be a horror movie and then cinderella like like she had to change everything about her she had to become like a princess to even get his attention to get this man's attention like that's psychotic and it's insane that we've been

conditioned so much especially from a young age to believe that we're just like not whole without male validation now here's the thing you're never going to be happier from male validation you can get all of it in the world you can get as much attention as you possibly could ever get and i don't i don't get a lot of male validation tbh i don't also seek it out that much um like i have a boyfriend i don't need to seek out male validation um but even like when i was single i didn't seek it out that much because i learned that um it was never satisfying straight up like straight up it was never satisfying like um I consistently like something I sorry my nails just got caught on something something I constantly like do not enjoy and find displeasure in is like the patriarchy and

how limiting it is and how it views women and how it treats women and any ounce of male attention that you get will be from that standpoint so it got to a point where I was like sure I'm getting attention but like i'm getting objectified i'm getting made fun of i'm getting whatever it's not building me up it doesn't feel good and no ounce of male attention is really going to make you feel good even if it's like from a partner like you really do have to seek that from inside and i know that sounds cheesy and i know it sounds like a little crazy you're like but how but like you need some sort of attention no like you really will never be happy for male attention um you're always sorry me pulling my weed baggie out um you just like I guarantee like it you'll never be

satisfied it won't be the right thing to say they won't do the right thing you won't be in the right way because it's always going to be stemming from that patriarchal standpoint um that is kind of grotesque now um if you like like I said it does have to come from like inside yourself and I know it sounds dumb and you really do have to kind of be your own sense of attention um and like compliment yourself and like compliment yourself in ways that you feel pretty in ways that you feel good in ways that you feel accomplished like recognize your accomplishments accurately and in the ways you want them to or in the ways you want to um be around people who lift you up and celebrate you and are like good to you you know what i mean just setting up like a good outward

space as well as a good inward inward oh my god space really helps um not need really what am i trying to say really helps with the um you not needing to seek male validation quite honestly once you have like a calm internal self and you have a calm outturnal or outturnal what the fuck i dropped out of college two times fyi you have a solid external world as well that male validation isn't gonna be satisfactory and it's not gonna be what you want and it's probably gonna be something that you start to stem away from you know what i mean let me hit this bong now me choking on like all my words oh my god also really look at the male validation you're getting

and really look at when you're getting it because usually you're not getting the validation when you are being yourself and when you are being your true self and your authentic self a lot of the times you're going to get that male validation when you're being um you're altering yourself in some sort of way to adhere to their standards or what they want or what they deem beautiful or the way they want to perceive you you know what i mean keep an eye out for that one really just like like if you are getting it kind of examine the ways in which you're getting it and how it makes you feel and what it's stemming from because it might it might blow your mind okay someone said i just don't feel pretty i want to feel pretty so bad how do i start liking myself again

and felt that i kind of feel that now i haven't posted on instagram in a while if you haven't realized when i get into the winter i kind of lose sense of self a little bit and i kind of stray away from myself because i have a hard time expressing myself through clothing in the winter i know it's weird that i have like a sort of like freak out when i can't express myself through clothing accurately but i just haven't felt great and that's okay that's valid everybody gets some periods and points i don't think you should um feel bad or like i don't like i should feel bad for like not regressing in any sort of way but falling back into old tendencies i think everything just it's gonna ebb and flow constantly so i shouldn't just work with the way the world

is ebbing and flowing and i just don't feel too great about myself so what i do to feel better is I start looking at the ways I'm evaluating myself like you said I don't feel pretty but in what ways are you trying to make yourself feel pretty in what ways are you viewing yourself are you viewing yourself from your eyes from the way you actually perceive yourself from the things you actually like about yourself from the way you actually like dressing behaving looking or are you looking at yourself through the eyes of other people too much are you looking at yourself through the eyes of society too much are you looking at yourself through the eyes of somebody else you know what i mean and i kind of realize when i do get myself in periods of oh i just don't

feel great about myself i don't feel pretty whatever it's because i've been evaluating myself and looking at myself and dressing myself way too much for other people or for something else and i'm not doing it from my true self and from what i truly want to do so that's a whole reason why i'm kind of like going through my closet right now is because it's just a whole fucking mess and i can't properly like express myself or dress myself when i feel like my outside world is chaos um so yeah i think it really is just like how you view yourself and constantly um catching yourself when you're not viewing yourself in that way and kind of changing the way you view yourself changing the way you behave changing the way you dress i know that sounds

crazy and i know i just said don't change yourself but i do mean more towards a um authentic self sense of self a more true way of how you feel about yourself um getting more creative getting back in touch with who you used to be who um what you like to do as a child like simple things like that um help you get in touch with yourself as well also like i used to um hate the way my face my facial features were because they weren't like the beauty standard um it wasn't like the little sea bunny slope nose it wasn't like the fat lips it wasn't like the high cheekbone i have high cheekbones but it wasn't like you know what i'm talking about like the ideal facial structure like i have a broken ass nose like i've broken it three times it's a little big but like

low-key like in my heart and in my true self i love my nose like i think it's i think it's like my favorite part about me i used to be something i was super insecure about but like truly like i've thought about it and although it has been like genuinely one of my biggest insecurities and i've always thought about a rhinoplasty um i think it's something i really genuinely enjoy about myself and it's something that makes me feel like me um and it's like when i'm not perceiving myself through my own eyes then yeah when i look at my nose i feel like sad or whatever because i'm not fitting in the beauty standard but i really do have to just like remind myself like hey where are we how are we perceiving ourselves is it in a healthy way and is there a way we can

redirect it on a more positive path you know what i mean and accept myself as who i am and love myself for that because the way i am is incredible and the way we all are is incredible and i think the true beauty in the world is how different we all are so it's all about just like retraining the way you think kind of and reminding yourself when you are having those hard days that it's okay and it'll get better someone asked me if i ever had a shoplifting phase oh my god yes and i have a trauma story from it too okay so like my entire high school experience in middle school i stole so much from sephora like so much like constantly i didn't really steal from any other places maybe like forever 21 or like jewelry from places but nothing crazy um i think my the first time i

ever stole something this is dad i stole like 50 out of my mom's purse or my dad's wallet or something when i was like um maybe in like second grade like young you know what i mean i just saw 50 laying there and i was like i'll take that and then they were like where did you get that 50 dollars and I was like I don't know and then I went and bought something with it at the toy store I made them drive me there and buy something I know anyways after I found out I could get away with that like middle school high school I just started like picking up little things and like seeing what I could do and I feel like every girl has done this at least actually every person I feel like men steal a lot too but it's like from gas stations and like food women steal just like

random things they can get their hands on and quite honestly I was just stealing anything I get my hands on i would steal thousands of dollars worth of stuff from sephora like i would just throw it in my bag and walk out i would not even buy anything sometimes i just buy something little but i cannot believe i am admitting to this but it was years ago like so long ago um but yeah i definitely went through just like a wee bit of a klepto phase you know what i mean just like a little one um that stopped actually it continued into college i didn't really shoplifting a lot in college because I didn't go to stores a lot in college does that make sense so I wasn't really like I didn't have any opportunities to but um I went to Target one day with my friends to go

um get some stuff and I saw that like all the underwear was on sale and I was like I could totally just pocket this like I know I've pocketed some underwear in pink before and just gotten away with it and so I went back there and I just like ripped off a bunch of tags and threw them in my pocket real quick and um we were just walking around or whatever doing our shopping and this like random guy like kind of walked up to us really quickly and then just like walked away and we were like weird anyways kept shopping and we noticed him again kind of following us around and I got a little antsy after that I was like what's happening um eventually we're like let's just go check out and get out of here and i think i was like 19 at this time like pretty young and

we walk up to the cash register and i go to start checking out and this guy who had been following us around like ran not ran up to us walked up to me and goes are you gonna pay for those underwear in your pocket oh my god the way my heart just like dropped into my fucking chest but like i don't give up that easily i'm like i'm not just gonna be like crying i'm so so like no uh-uh i don't do that if you've heard my running away from the police story you know i don't just like give up um so he was like are you gonna pay for those and i kind of just looked at him and i was like yeah but can i go get a few more because i know it's like five for 35 so can i just go get um two more so then i can get the discount and he looked at me and he was like uh what like

i don't think he was expecting me i don't know why i said that either but like it obviously worked and he was like okay and he let me go back there and i just took the underwear out of my pocket that didn't have the tags on like threw them back and i just like grabbed five random pairs with tags and i walked up and i scanned them and then i left and he really didn't say anything else to me he just watched me and then we just left and then i don't think i ever went back to that target again i was so scared and i really haven't shoplifted ever since like i have not even tried like i believe that once the universe gives you one pass like you really should not test your limits anymore you should really just like say thank you universe and move on you know what i

mean like god damn i cannot believe i got away with that i he totally should have like arrested me like i just had that shit in my pocket but just like underwear like come on there people are stealing like tvs out of that shit like self-checkout they just walk out so learn my lesson you don't need to go to like small claims court for a shoplifting um i couldn't imagine if I would have gotten arrested my parents would have been pissed but like uh I can't believe I talked my way out of that one um yeah but just learn from me you don't need to shoplift okay like you're only gonna get in trouble I did get a lot of stuff for free but like did I do I have any of that stuff still no do I care about any of that stuff no so was it really worth it maybe

no I'm kidding I definitely the serotonin was just like I had none so shoplifting it was okay i'm also gonna give you guys some homework too i know crazy right i've never done that before but if i'm gonna be your oldest sister i gotta give you guys some i gotta give you guys some homework to work on yourself you know what i mean so um it's actually someone asked me how to start 2022 off strong and i was like that's a really good question because now i don't believe you should like throw a bunch of energy into like forcing yourself to change a lot and like make yourself a whole drastically like crazy expectations different person after the new year because like it's just a date okay like it doesn't need to be that deep but I love the reminder that it gives

people to kind of like you know you always have the opportunity to better yourself so I think a great way to kind of um check back in with yourself and what like who you want to be um when you grow up is to kind of just do a little bit of journaling and when i say that i mean you could think of it like a rebrand or like a mood board i love doing that as well it doesn't need to be always journaling you can do this through images through pictures whatever you visualize best is very important um i personally enjoy writing and also images so i will always get in like um canva or like pixart or something and kind of do my mind mapping that way if i um i'm not able to journal but you can kind of um focus on like

okay let me actually get into it so there's four things you can do there's four like areas you're going to focus your attention into um so you're going to do um mind body health and career um those are the four categories that you're going to focus on and really you're just going to deep dive into what things you want to do about each section so for your mind how do you want to better your mind do you want to take up you want to pick up new classes do you want to are there certain books you want to get into is there a certain education topic you want to get into how can you better your mind how can you grow your mind how can you expand your mind as well in new areas that you've maybe never encountered um body like i talked about um maybe pick up a new exercising

technique a new habit that really um exemplifies your makes you feel good about your body um and in tune with your body whether it's yoga going on walks every day like setting little goals like that um setting a goal to maybe get out to the park once a week you know whatever works with you um what else career um focus on who you want to be where you want to be in a year visualize that um and i mean be very honest with yourself as well i think it's very important to do that but like where do you want to go with your career what do you want to do it's something i'm asking myself as well i'm at a point where it's like what do i what do i want to do for like my career moves um because like i can't serve forever so it's like do i want to get into i used to really be

into like the music community and edm do i want to get into that and like um event planning or do i want to get into maybe podcasting a little bit deeper get um a um like what am i trying to think like i'm find a manager or something oh my god if you guys know a manager tell them to hit me up because i literally i don't have any i don't have one it's just me or it's just like i'm trying to figure out where i want to go in this life what i want to see myself doing down the road so visualizing that and setting goals for a year from now and then what else oh spirit i think it's very important to keep your spirit alive what makes your inner child happy what truly makes you happy and to continuously integrate those things into your um plan and into your mind and into who you

want to be and identifying those things as well um spiritually for me purposefully or personally not purposefully oh my god I need to get into meditation like that would probably be something that would probably help my spirit but this year I've started journaling again that's really helped I probably need to get more into art as well little things like that whatever you know touches you makes you feel good write those down and then something you can really do I think routines are so important like so incredibly important um I think a routine really like I don't like the unknown I don't like not knowing what's going to happen so having some sort of routine that kind of balances me is very important and I used to think routine was the death of me and that I would

go crazy if i had a routine but establishing like a certain sense of need for yourself to keep functioning as a normal human being is very important so write out like a little um like planner of like a theoretical day in the life of what it would look like integrating all of those things into your day um after the new year you know what i mean if you're theoretically going to start these after the new year you know look um write out what a day would look like that's your homework i want you to get into it feel free to post it feel free to tag me get creative you can draw it out you can do pictures you can do pixar literally whatever you can write it you can get into in-depth like mood board planning but i need you to do that that's your homework

for the week this podcast has been a little short i'm so sorry but we have another one coming in a few days so don't you worry um i love you all so much thank you for listening thank you for joining me thank you for hearing me out and i will see you on thursday