Smoke Sesh - daydreaming, lana del rey & insecurity

Episode Date: June 15, 2022

Happy Wednesday! Today we’re talking full moon recovery, what I’ve been up to this weekend and why I needed a little break. Lana del rey and how she raised a whole generation of hot girls. Insecurities and things I faced as a teenager, young love and advice for the 19 year olds searching for love, building community. My favorite essentials for this season and lastly daydreaming, how to stop comparison and being a little delusional. Hope you all have a wonderful day and I’ll see you at the end of the week! MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know? Just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash. So, come hang out! Let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Good morning, lovies. Oh my goodness. Oh, I'm stretching. sorry it is 8 30 in the morning i woke up at 7 a.m me and my boyfriend took a walk to go get coffee

i like having very intentional mornings at least just like whether it's waking up and like rolling around in bed for an hour and doing nothing and just thinking and hanging out with myself or picking up a book or putting on my shoes if i'm feeling restless and walking down the street to go get coffee i really like to have very intentional mornings and when i was younger i never really had that for myself nor did i make time for that for myself um you know i'd sleep in i'd wake up 10 11 2 3 in the afternoon and then be like fuck oh my god half of my day is gone i need to get up i need to you know and be frantic and i think growing up you kind of just realize what little things you need to add into your life to really just bring more of a sense of peace

and when i was younger i mean i had i wasn't doing a whole lot through the day and like i said i would sleep in so my nights became my peace my nights became you know the time that i would have for myself to wind down and explore and get creative and get a little dreamy but now that i have a boyfriend my nights are mostly spent with him um i mean although we are alone in each other's company in the best possible way um doing our own things being creative on our own paths it's still spent together which is kind of nice so my mornings are my favorite time because i wake up we go our separate ways and i get my time to myself to kind of you know recuperate discover what i need to do for the day and it's really really wonderful um i am so sorry this is a day

late i feel like that's how these podcasts just keep working but honestly at this point i kind of like the inconsistency a little bit it's like a little surprise you know and i like having myself as like a vessel for the universe and for what topics I think need to be addressed and different ideas and things to explore and unfortunately the universe doesn't really speak to me every Tuesday and Thursday um it doesn't come on a you know routine basis it's very random it's very sporadic it's sometimes at 3 a.m it's sometimes at 3 in the afternoon it's sometimes not even for a couple months you know and so i have been just kind of i don't want to put out shit that i feel like is just like i'm forcing you guys to sit through

something you know like i want us to be engaged i want it to be a good conversation so i'm here we're here we're doing this i'm very excited to be here i went on vacation kind of this weekend um i talked about it in my last podcast but my family was celebrating a birthday so they got a house out in arkansas and for me personally when i heard arkansas i was like okay you know not going to be super interesting not super excited just another obligatory family event I gotta make it to that's like four hours away but I love I kind of love this like moments like these where you know you have these preconceived notions you have these assumptions you have these you know preset ideals where you're just like maybe not super excited you know you're kind of dreading

it a little bit and then you get there and you realize it's a complete 360 from what you ever could have experienced and what you ever could have possibly imagined and dare I say I had a lot of fun in Arkansas I can't lie um the drive was beautiful I love taking road trips I love driving I think airports stress me out airplanes stress me out just the idea of me not being in control stresses me out um and although I feel like the airport is a very sacred place and it's a weird kind of portal in a sense um I prefer driving places even if it takes four five seventeen hours to get there I mean one of my favorite experiences was just taking a cross-country trip down to utah with one of my friends when i was like 17 18 um and i mean the destination wasn't

even the best part it was simply getting there and seeing everything and you know taking those random rest stops along the way and visiting those weird gas stations and trying new snacks and you know it's the beautiful moments like that and so the drive was beautiful um there's some incredible state parks out in arkansas um one of them was like some some river and like there was just hundreds of people gathered at this crystal clear river giant river just hanging out cooling off because it was like 100 degrees that weekend it was brutal um we ended up going to eureka Springs which is kind of this interesting little town hidden in the hills um very odd very weird I ended up seeing this piece of art that was hanging on the side of a building and I was like

I want that that is beautiful where do I go find the person that is selling that art and um I went and I found the shop and I found the guy and I was like showing him a picture and I was like did you do is this your art like can I purchase this do you have any prints of it and he was like no but if you make me an offer you know I'll sell it to you and he ended up just being a pretentious asshole so like literally he just wanted to argue with me and fight with me over like me naming my own price for the art but I'm not gonna lie this was like an original piece of art that had probably been hanging outside for years now it had water damage and was nothing i was gonna pay more than like 45 for considering he completely forgot it was even hanging on the

side of the building and i knew that if you bring that up to a pretentious man he was just gonna complain more about how you're not offering him enough money so he was like well i'll sell it to you i'll sell it to you and i was like no you know what i'm good have a good day and i think he got really sad because no one was visiting his store no one was coming by and he lost out and the one customer that was actually interested in the only piece of art that I think he never thought anybody would be interested in so that was a loss for him um but then I visited another store that was like a lingerie shop and um that was really fun that place was hustling that place was busy I went because there was these like fluffy ruffle shorts in the um window and i was like those would be

super cute just to like hang out in my apartment and i'm literally currently wearing them um and we went in there and this old lady was checking me out and she was so sweet she was like these are so cute you're gonna look amazing and i was like i could totally see myself being some like unhinged 70 year old owning a sex shop in the middle of nowhere just like hyping everybody up coming into my store like yes that is the energy i was looking for thank you this pretentious man who refused to even really acknowledge my interest in his art and then got mad when i was leaving no i don't need that but the woman who's gonna support me as soon as i step into her store yes love it i want to be her i want to be like her when i grow up um i also stopped by a little

crystal store got a new ring i got another moon uh moon ring um every time i get like a little ring if it's not like ginormous like my other two rings that i'm looking at right now on my fingers they take up like half my fingers the one i now am wearing is a moonstone silver um but every time i get one i always end up losing it and i always assume it's for a good purpose you know there's a reason i'm supposed to lose it but i guarantee i've lost like five by now i can't even lie um so i'm excited to add a new one to the collection hopefully she stays for a little longer than usual um we ended up going out to the lake uh we went tubing which was really fun swimming there's nothing better than just like letting yourself float in a giant body of water like in the middle

of it and feeling how small you are but also how much your body is working and pumping and keeping you afloat within that smallness so that was incredible we had some great food we had some great fun it was nice to hang out with my family for a little bit i celebrated my mom's birthday there um and then yeah we had to head back because i had to work and as soon as i got back like five hours later i literally got out of the car changed and then walked into work like it was a quick turnaround we left it like we woke up at seven left at ten um i got to work at five so it was a brutal day also there was no power anywhere in my city well and where i live in my city that day so as soon as i got back no air conditioning no power

very brutal i spent that full moon having a very hot and sweaty night it was you know those nights where you're just like waking up what it feels like every five minutes and like tossing and turning and like you're sticky because you're sweating yeah I don't know why that night was so brutal for me but safe to say the day after the full moon I was just tired I had had a very busy like four days prior and I just needed a day so thank you guys for just letting me have that day that was wonderful i feel like when i was younger we'll get into full moons but i feel like when i was younger i always um full moons always made me feel invigorated they always made me feel like excited they always like energized me in some sort of way and then new moons um kind of i had

that depletion feeling now that i'm older i feel like it's switched and i don't know why also my cycle has switched because which is very weird happenstances but when I was younger my period would always come on the full moon but now that I'm older my period comes on the new moon and maybe it has to do with my reproduction cycle but on the new moon now I'm feeling much more energized much more inspired that's the time you know you're supposed to do manifestations you're supposed to work to work towards your goals and now on full moons I feel like I am just like the energy gets wiped out of me um and that's okay that's all right you just have to adjust accordingly you know what i mean and kind of help yourself feel better so if you guys didn't see on my

instagram story i was like very exhausted very tired after the full moon refueling with potatoes and i did i cooked some wonderful golden potatoes and i ate a little breakfast burrito and I went to work and I did some other things that really helped me feel kind of rejuvenated such as like here's some just simple like full moon recovery tips um I was so exhausted I wish I could have done this but take a nap now that I have the day off I might do so today it's rare that I ever feel like I need to take a nap or I could take a nap it's hard for me to be able to lay down in the middle of my day where I feel like I need to be getting work done and relax and rest but after full moons i'm just so exhausted that i'm like okay let's get

into it um stretch maybe take a bath you need to relax your muscles i feel like my muscles my neck my like legs are so tight and like i'm just like holding on to so much that i need to just like release it both physically and mentally um cook for yourself although these are the times where i think we feel the laziest and you know cooking for yourself doesn't sound like the best idea or the most interesting thing ever i feel like there's so much like beauty in being the person to provide for yourself and being and like going through the motions of cooking and like peeling a potato and dicing it up and going through the process of transforming it into something delicious and wonderful very important stay hydrated um at my peak most tired most lethargic

times i always realize what okay like what have i drank today and it's usually like a nice coffee which is not good at all we have to stay hydrated right now i encourage you all i'll do it with you hot girls stay hydrated lids i'll take a sip of water okay perfect um so stay hydrated i guarantee it'll improve your brain function and especially on hot days like at least we're having hot ass days it's above 95 every single day here for the next like three weeks which is gonna be crazy and it's even more brutal because it gets humid so i know i'm gonna be visiting the pool in the river a lot but also light a candle open a window and let stagnant energy out I feel like the full moon is just a reminder for everybody to kind of like take a look at the energy you're

surrounding yourself with and allow yourself room to breathe allow yourself room to grow allow yourself room to let that energy that you don't need flow out of you emotions feelings thoughts are not things you need to get stuck with and you need to let them flow through you as if it's a river experience them acknowledge them and then release them let them go and i like having physical rituals to do within my life that kind of correlates to the mental rituals i'm doing i like making that worldly connection with the kind of otherworldly and so yeah open a window light a candle let that shit go babe okay but the full moon's over i think it was a strawberry moon and sagittarius which is lots of energy lots of fire um so i'm excited for what the rest of the

month is going to look like for me and um how it's going to treat me and how this energy renewal kind of um goes but i hope you guys had a great um weekend i did i'm still very tired if you can't tell my brain is at about a five and i need to get it to a ten so i'm gonna chug some of this coffee and we're gonna get into some of your questions oh my gosh also the full moon i feel like it kind of happened for two days although it wasn't the real full moon that bitch was full and we were out by the me my boyfriend where everybody went to bed where there's an option to be outside at night we always choose it and so um we should have gone skinny dipping but we had already showered and it was kind of spooky out i can't lie we were a little nervous and then i feel like when i'm in

the woods i'm never nervous about what the woods inherently brings i'm never worried about the animals or the nature or anything like that i'm just scared of other humans which i think is a very interesting feeling I'm never scared of like oh what if a mountain lion comes or you know fish or snakes or anything like that those are happening in nature those are real things that are constantly occurring I'm more afraid of the things lurking behind that have more of a human nature whether it's like the idea of ghosts or another person or like all the horror movies that i've watched um but we were outside smoking a little bowl and these trees were so fucking tall and the way that the moon like was shining through the trees and how bright and big it was

it literally looked like it was like sunlight like like it felt like daytime outside and it felt like like the moon was so powerful and so intense that it was like casting big shadows and like incredible like well not sunlight but moonlight everywhere and it was wonderful and amazing to see I'm so glad that I got to get out into nature especially for the full moon weekend and I got to experience that I think we hold ourselves back from a lot of experiences because we do have those preconceived notions we do have these ideals of like well you know it doesn't sound fun so i don't want to go well you know i've never heard of anybody having fun there i have no idea what it's gonna bring so why would i do it but you'd be surprised how much fun and

how much experience and joy and possibility there is simply in the unknown and simply opening yourself up and allowing yourself to have fun and to experience those things you'd be shocked what um these experiences will bring you and how like fulfilling they can possibly be i'm so glad i'm with i i'm so glad that it kind of blew my mind as well as i didn't hinder myself along the trip it's really easy for you to get in those head spaces and be like this isn't going to be fun you know you still go but you still have that mentality that this isn't going to be fun mentality and then you kind of like ruin the experience for yourself allow yourself to be curious and to be open and to be you know willing to experience these new things in a positive way um stop holding

yourself back stop letting yourself get swept up into these ideals that might not even be real that might just simply exist in your head you know but yeah i don't know it was great i always feel rested and rejuvenated once i'm out in nature i think it's very important for me a very important aspect for me especially living in the city we have hints and touches of nature but it's really nice to get lost and to literally be the only ones out there um we went to the skate park that was so fucking hard to find literally Arkansas is so hilly I didn't realize but you are literally driving up walls it feels like um but we went to go find this skate park and we kind of had a hike there but it was out in the middle of nature completely surrounded by trees and completely

surrounded by nature and it was very interesting because it was a small little park small little concrete park completely covered in graffiti man-made you could tell a ton of people have been there before and it was just sitting in the middle of nowhere and I loved that because I feel like everywhere else I go any experience I go towards I'm constantly surrounded by busyness constantly surrounded by people constantly surrounded by buildings and planes and cars and sirens but but like at this place and most places that we went we were surrounded by nothing but ourselves and nature and sometimes you really need that for your mental health i cannot lie sometimes you really do just need to escape for a little bit back to um the like the true

natural order of things okay so let's talk lana's all right i know i know i know i know i know I just have so many thoughts and I love her and I'm I have I've loved her for a long time and I feel like two three years ago I didn't like her at all because I was like it's weird for like 14 year olds to listen to her music and romanticize that stuff but I've grown up and I've realized you know like I feel like people have a lot of qualms with her simply for being like um simply for like romanticizing old men but i don't think she's really doing that i don't think she's really doing that sure she can express her interest in that through her music but like when i was 12 13 i wasn't listening to her music and imagining me with like a 80 year old man a

70 year old man a 60 year old man i was not that's not the fantasy that i was trying to live out you know i was imagining other people my age um so that was the quickly i stopped caring but i love her and i think she's influenced an entire like generation of the hottest girls known to man and what i mean by that is she kind of reinstilled this idea of the divine feminine within me that i was not connected to previously before listening to her um there's a few artists that really did that for me there's a few genres of like movies that did that for me um different types of media that really helped me out with that but like when i was younger i was a huge tomboy i was a huge tomboy i was like no pink i don't want any pink my room was like a bright teal

turquoise i was not interested in boys because i thought that was gross i was interested in going outside and playing outside and being like in the dirt and the mud with all the other guys and fucking just like not interested in girl shit at all and that might have been a little bit of like internalized misogyny cannot lie but also i was raised with a brother you know your family has some sort of influence on you um and all the neighborhood kids were really like tomboyish so like of course that was gonna have some sort of influence on me but young hannah never really had like a female influence kind of person who was really in touch with the beautiful and wonderful side of being a woman of being a girl and i discovered lana del rey and i was like

literally cue her soundtrack like I was open to a brand new world you know like I realized that being a woman and being a teenage girl can be wonderful and mysterious and lovely and that heartbreak that you go through whether it is a worldly heartbreak or like a real heartbreak that is between a relationship is okay and you can make it through it and she did a lot of romanticizing as well which I absolutely love because as a girl who romanticized a lot of a lot of aspects of her life it's nice or oh my god as a girl who romanticizes a lot of aspects of my life I kind of really enjoyed having that representation that I was interested in and seeing the different ways that she lyrically romanticized her life and like I said there's a few artists that really did

that for me um Kali Uchis being another um big influence and it's interesting that it came through music because I have not been a really big music person like I love music don't get me wrong love it I think it's had a huge influence in my life but when it comes to like creative things and you know the endeavors I got up to creatively it was never like me venturing into music sure music helped me paint and it helped me write and it helped me draw and it helped me feel inspired but it's never something that I did so I found poetry was a new source of like and not my own poetry but also kind of my own poetry a new source of inspiration and her wordplay and the way she's able to completely identify and grasp onto concepts in such a quote-unquote simple way

in just a few lines of words and wordplay is so beautiful and wonderful and I love her. I really do. I think her and her music really pushed me into a new world of like womanhood and really pushed me into in a good way because I was a big tomboy and I was missing out on a lot of aspects of my life um simply because i was refusing to identify them and also i didn't really have a great female role model to really help me through that so of course i found it through outside sources um but she really showed me that like yeah you're gonna go through some heartbreaks in the world you're gonna find a lot of love in the world you're gonna find a lot of romance in the world you're going to romanticize a lot of aspects of your life and you're not alone in that

you know what i mean i felt like a lot of my experiences were um i was only experiencing them you know i was the only way to view this world this way i was the only person doing these things and i'm not gonna lie loki made me feel a little crazy and that loneliness is so isolating when you're having these thoughts and you're like am i the only one am i the only one that really sees the world this way am i the only one that has this much love in my heart but then having these big inspirations and having these like big people who also like feel that way and feel that sense and also verbalize it in a really great and positive way is incredible and like yes i did listen to a lot of her music when i was depressed and i think my correlation of the things that i

was doing when i was depressed i assumed like all of those things were bad but i can't lie i think I found a lot of peace through her music and the way that she you know expressed herself and I found a lot of peace in knowing that maybe I wasn't alone and a lot of inspiration behind it too um I think a lot of us as women and a lot of us like finding our journey and our path as women do feel a lot of that loneliness and that isolation and you know um that hard self-discovery journey especially under a patriarchal world and finding those little pieces and those little moments and those little like people you know that really kind of make you feel less lonely whether it is a big celebrity that really conveys what they're saying in a wonderful way or a like

a social media influencer or a friend it could be anything i think having those influences and having those people in your life are very very important it's very important to look at those people and look at those um like things in your life and um find those inspirations because they are going to be the things that really help shape you and the things that really help drive you i think a lot of people have their qualms with lana del rey and lana del rey ask things because you know the girlies like to spin it into like the um fuck what's that book lolita kind of vibe and although she does have those tones like i think she's touching on so many more different things and like i said she's raising like a whole generation of hot girls she's raising the hottest

girls known to man simply because a lot of her music conveys the openness and the ideals and the understanding of it's okay to be emotional it's okay to be hurt it's okay to you know want to go off and do these big and these better things and um have these friends and have these aspirations and have these dreams and have this like romanticized dreamy ideal for the world and for yourself um and i love that i love that i think a lot of women now are standing up for themselves i think a lot of women have very very high expectations for themselves as well for other people especially for men i think she's raised a generation of uh people who are doing that I think she's really raising a generation of people who are searching for love in everything and anything they do, whether it's a walk to get coffee in the morning to the way they're cooking themselves breakfast to, you know, the people they're surrounding in their life.

I think she really pushed the ideal for searching for love constantly through everything and I think it's wonderful and I think it's incredible and I've been seeing a lot of posts like it's going to be a Lana Del Rey summer and I love that because I think it's just showing how many people are searching for love constantly throughout their life and how like how much we're all just yearning and trying to find those connections and trying to find those positive connections especially um and it's so beautiful we're all just searching for love we're all just out here trying to find connection it's like we as human beings are not as complex as we think we are all just animals and we're all driven by something and right now i really do think it's love and

the ideal to be loved and to be open and vulnerable and love other people and you know what we we might get hurt in the process things might hurt us people might hurt us but that doesn't mean we should close ourselves off to the world and the wonderful gifts that it does have for us because at the end of the day like the poetry and the art and the music that you create after going through those things and the things that you discover along the way are more important than the pain and the hurt you know that's really easy to get by to get through to relate to other people through but you know what's really driving us and what's really inspiring us is the love anyways yeah i'm just looking around my apartment and seeing how many like pink things and feminine things and

like how much i really embrace and love um the feminine side of me now simply because i was opening myself up to receiving this love to seeing this love to um you know experiencing that strangely enough through lana del rey so if you share this love as i do uh for her let me know but some of you guys submitted some call-ins so we're gonna play those for you now hi Hannah so I've had a really quick question for you um currently in my life I feel like everyone around me is really falling in love and you know being in relationships but I feel like I'm the only one to kind of miss out on this I'm currently 19 years old and everyone around me is also 19 um I'm just wondering if you've ever been through something like this have you ever been

in this part of i mean the stage in your life where like everyone around you is seemingly like falling in love and being in a relationship while you might feel really alone in that sense and in addition like all these situationships and you know things that i'm getting into end up being really really bad for my mental health and i end up you know choosing really really toxic people and people who don't love me so i'm just wondering if you've ever been through this and if you ever felt really alone through it and how to combat it hi babes you're not alone also i would like to say you're 19 okay i want to address this i'm 23 i've been through a lot and i think back on 19 year old hannah and you know we had we share the same openness to the

world now and the same curiosity and the same openness to love but I think the journey from 19 to 23 has been me regaining that because I fell into the ideal that I needed to be in a relationship in order to feel love and then like you said I found myself in these bad situations that were not good for my mental health and it kind of made me backtrack and I feel like when we find ourselves in a depletion mindset does that make sense like we are missing something we aren't whole you know you got to find the other piece of your puzzle you got to find you know the matching piece we inherently feel like we are not whole if we are not in a relationship and we see all these people you know sharing their perfect relationships and sharing these quote-unquote

i say quote unquote because you don't see the behind the scenes you don't see the fighting you don't see the trauma um sharing these perfect things and it makes us feel very left out so i feel you and i want you to know you're not alone and i also want to let you know i don't think you're missing out on anything um when i was younger i wish i would have given myself more time to simply learning how to love myself and learning how to love the world around me before I ventured into learning how to love another person because learning how to love another person is very tricky it's very confusing and it takes practice okay so if I were you if I was looking back on 19 year old Hannah so speaking to you right now I would say you need to stop

searching for love through romantic partners and build a love-based community, okay? I feel like our western civilization romanticizes and puts too much emphasis on the nuclear family and on relationships. One person will never be able to fulfill you, okay? And I don't mean that in like a a polyamorous way if you are polyamorous then wonderful but this is something i've been battling with recently because i do have a great partnership i do have a great partner i love him so much he does a lot for me but there are still areas where he falls up where he falls short i do the same thing and it's simply because you cannot put that much pressure on another person to satisfy you in every single way um you need a community based around you okay you need a

community of friends you need friends in different circles you need to find friends that are older than you you need to find friends that are maybe younger than you that are the same age from different backgrounds from different walks of life you need to reach out to the community around you and get to know them i think that is way more important especially when you're younger than any romantic relationship will ever be sure i learned a lot from myself through these relationships i learned what i like what i don't like i learned um how to not put up with shitty men and how to not let myself get treated shittily quite honestly but i could have learned those things in a much easier and much healthier way um i think we need to stop seeing ourselves as

not whole i think we need to stop seeing ourselves as you know constantly searching for something a lot of what you're searching for can be found through yourself and can be found through the community around you and i think it's very important to build that relationship than it is to build a relationship with another person like as a romantic way but i understand that feeling of you know you're missing out i started dating when i was 19 i don't think i had my first kiss until i was like like real kiss until i was like 19 so i don't think you should feel left out okay you're not alone in this i think there's a lot of other people who um probably feel the same way and are going through the same things but like i said i i think we put way too much emphasis on the

romantic relationships in our life when you can find love yes love through friendships and through community building and through the people in your life through family whatever it is um and that is more important than any romantic relationship is ever going to be what i would say for you also is don't settle um if you are searching for something you might settle for the first thing that finds its way towards you um and it's really easy to do so you might be like well it's okay so it must be good right no situationships are never healthy situationships are never good it's okay to want to get to know a person beforehand um before jumping into a relationship and spend time building your friendship before you build your relationship

i think that's very important but you need to set healthy boundaries to do so and a situationship is not a healthy boundary a situationship is getting stuck and a lot of people will not say that a lot of people will not you know express that but I do genuinely believe when you are searching and pining for something and somebody else is not and they're kind of using you in a way to benefit themselves and you're letting it happen that's not healthy for anybody involved and it's really hard to get yourself out of those especially when you have kind of romantic feelings build up so if I were you I would say don't settle don't let mediocre men enter your life simply because you're looking for something to fulfill you something to do something to find

interest in I think you can absolutely find interest in things to do with people in your life who are gonna you know be there for you for a long time and you know are not selfish and are not using you in that sort of way um i i don't think you should feel alone though um i've been through it i love you i'm here for you a lot of people are also probably going through the same thing like i said i think we're all going after love but love is not the romantic ideal okay you can find romance through so many different things in your life through yourself through your friends through your family you don't necessarily need to find a romantic partner but when you do when you do find that person whenever it is it doesn't need to be soon it doesn't need to be asap you

don't need to like find somebody and be like okay they're they're fine i'll i'll go with it i think you should be picky i think you should allow yourself to you know search for things that are good for you and if they don't fit in with you it's okay to let those things go um but when you do find it and you do feel good in it and you feel comfortable i think it's very important to open yourself up fully to receiving it don't have any preconceived notions don't kind of allow those trust issues and those things to trickle into your relationship and if they do work through them together i think it's a very important thing to work through together um but yeah uh open yourself fully to it i think love is beautiful but um i think you should never settle period

point blank i love you so someone uh sent me a dm but they were like what are some things you were insecure about as a teen how did you overcome or come to peace with them if you did love you babe um I'm not gonna lie when I was a teen I was insecure about everything I can't lie I was insecure about breathing too loud I was insecure about walking into a room and taking up too much space I was insecure about the way I looked I was insecure about my nose I was insecure about my body I was insecure about my hair I was insecure about the way I wrote I was insecure about the way i held a pencil i was insecure about like babes everything everything i was not a confident teenager um i'm not sure why i wasn't built up confident i think everybody around me really

helped me you know feel confident within myself they were all just things that i was kind of um creating in my head does that make sense and i mean i do have an anxiety disorder i do have depression so I think that added to it but I was constantly overthinking and overthinking and overthinking and it took years of my life to be able to combat that kind of thought process and as a teenager I think it's very normal to feel insecure because you know you go from a kid to like a weird young adult stage and you're supposed to find grounding within the world but you can't even find grounding within yourself. You can't even find grounding in who you are. You don't have really an identity yet. You're just now like dipping your toes into the waters of identity and

into the waters of finding a place in the world. And that's okay. That's great. You have to go on that journey. You have to get through it. But I think it's very normal for a lot of teenagers to feel insecure and to feel confused. But I think a lot of people, or at least I did, I found that insecurity as like a sense of i'm lacking you know i have these thoughts and i'm lacking in some sort of way and i need to make up for it in reality it's it i needed to identify it more as like a questioning sense you know like my insecurity i allowed to become insecurity because i allowed those thoughts and those feelings to stay with me and i didn't allow them to flow through me and those thoughts and feelings to arrive and then leave I just held on to them

and then they became like a part of my identity and a part of my worry when in reality you have to kind of see it as questioning you know we're supposed to look at ourselves and look at the world around us and question it at least a little bit you know and it's normal to question yourself a little bit but you have to allow that question to come you have to allow yourself to answer it confidently and then you have to allow it to leave so now when i get insecure i realize it's mostly my anxiety i walk into a room and i feel like i'm taking too much space i'm you know being overwhelming to people i'm being overwhelming to myself and i realize okay stop i'm not you know obviously this is my mind just spiraling i need to take a moment to take a deep breath

you know in and out realize that yeah you know what i'm here to take up space i'm here to be a human being i'm here to do those things and that is okay and then i allow that feeling to wash away and i move on with my day it really is just learning how to talk with yourself and be with yourself and talk yourself out of those like negative thought spirals and as a teenager very hard to do you don't have that real world experience you don't really know how to do that but if you learn how to practice it and you learn how to identify it it gets easier the more you kind of combat it and deal with it I like oh my god like so much anxiety I used to not be able to get in front of like like groups of people and talk like literally I'm talking to tens of

thousands of you guys every week like every week I used to not be able to get in front of a classroom of 15 people and give a presentation i was put into piano lessons at a young age because my i couldn't even make eye contact with my aunt um because i was so insecure and so scared and so unsure of myself so my parents put me in like piano lessons to hopefully like you know put me in front of judges and you know she'll get used to it no i never got used to it i was throwing up in the bathroom at like nine years old due to anxiety due to worry due to feeling insecure about myself and every single time i would leave with a gold medal with like you know highest ranking but i would never feel like that was a true representative representation of me i would never feel like i

was good enough i would never feel like i was you know i was just always worried but to be fair i was never allowing myself to feel good i was never allowing myself to step into that okay you know maybe i am allowed to feel good about this maybe i am allowed to you know feel happy about this Maybe I am allowed to feel comfortable within this setting. It's okay to feel nervous. It's okay to feel anxiety. Those, you know, are general human emotions. And when you're doing new things and you're trying new things, you're going to feel that

way. When you're stepping into a crowd of people that you don't know, you're going to feel that way. That's normal. But you have to allow yourself to feel those. Tell yourself, you know, that it is normal. You're okay. And to step into yourself.

step into allowing yourself to take up that space to be yourself to accept yourself fully and that's a very like broad term of insecurity of course I had like general um like what is it like like beauty insecurity I definitely had that when I was younger whether it was not feeling too thin or feeling too fat or someone asked me like do you fake tan I have a hard time accepting being pale like simple things is that um my nose I was really insecure about um the way I looked I was very insecure about the way I talked it was just everything and I feel like it was just simply not allowing myself to be me I was always thinking well I could be this well I could be this well I could be this and a lot of my adult life I had to simply learn who I was and and who I wanted to

wanted to be and allow myself to be those things allow myself to be a little bit loud allow myself to be a little bit annoying allow myself to take up space and i still have a hard time with this now and my boyfriend kind of helps me with this he doesn't give a fuck not in like a rude annoying way but like he was definitely the class clown of like you know his it's like class clown vibes you know like he doesn't care he steps into a room he owns it he just does what he wants he makes people laugh you know not a lot of insecurity vibes going on there and so it really helps me kind of step out of my comfort zone because when I am in public when I am doing things even in private I feel like I need to be small I feel like I need to like succumb myself a little bit

and he's really helped me kind of step out of that and step into like letting myself fill a room and letting myself be heard and letting myself speak up for myself and stand up for myself and that's been really wonderful as well but I think a lot of it and a lot of insecurity is me just fighting myself on who I really want to be and um not allowing myself to truly be my real authentic self like yeah you know what I might be a little weird I might be a little fucked up I might be a little loud I might be a little you know I might have a few roles I might have a weird nose but that's me and I really love me and I love who I'm becoming and I love my like style and I love my sense of self and I love the way that I have been made um I think it's beautiful and it's lovely

and it's kind of wonderful and also a lot of like the superficial things that you're insecure about as a young person you really do outgrow because like I said you grow up you learn new things you learn how to be yourself and you realize the things that you were once worried about really you don't give a fuck about anymore and it's all about that growth process and that growth period once you get into your 20s and once you get through your 20s i think you'll look back and you'll realize you know a lot of that worry and that anxiety didn't really hold a real weight in the world and you really just needed to grow and become an adult i also feel like a lot of our insecurity as a teenager is situational you know you're in that space where and i've talked about

this before you're in that space where um you are an adult quote unquote but also you have no control over your life you're still in high school you're still like under your parents roof you still are pertaining to rules and laws you know and authority you you aren't technically in the real world yet but they're all telling you you know this is the real world we're gonna treat you like this is the real world but they're not you just have to make it through that period of like stationary of like not movement or not moving until you'll really start to understand who you are um I feel like I was questioning myself a lot and questioning who I was a lot and like questioning who I wanted to be a lot and in high school and like that's a lot it's a lot of it's a

lot it's really heavy it kind of weighs on you but it's simply because i felt like i was stuck but you're not stuck forever i guarantee it you'll get out you'll move on you'll grow you'll become who you are unfortunately it's just a part of learning and growing up you do have to at least make it through high school make it to college make it into your 20s in order to start kind of jumping into the real world so that was a lot i hope that helped your insecurities are valid i have a lot of insecurities that are valid i think these are things that you know i'm never going to be like oh the way you feel isn't real isn't it important i think it is important but also i think it's important to kind of identify where these thoughts and feelings are coming from

and how to address them and how to you know combat them healthily so hey Hannah I love you and I love the pod and I love our little smoke sesh girly community I love hearing other people's call-ins so I thought I would do it on my own um but I just wanted to ask how you avoid getting so depressed over the news like I feel like there's so much sad stuff about like gun violence and just like environmental stuff and I don't know it feels so hopeless um it's really easy for it to just like trigger my depression and I feel like so sad about it all and like I can't do anything so I was just curious how you deal with that because I really need some help here love you bye I like don't consume the news no okay I know that straight up comes off very privileged

comes off very uh small brain moment you know what i mean i don't mean that fully of course i do consume the news i do consume you know current events i think you shouldn't blind yourself to what is happening um then i think you just become complicit in what is actually happening um i just like to avoid polarizing news information does that make sense so things like straight up like cnn and fox news those are both going to be very polarizing sources of information that are there to make you feel kind of like a little anxiety a little triggered they're there to kind of like hype you up but in a bad way you know like you see how crazy those fucking 80 year olds get about Fox News like yeah avoid straight up avoid the things that I do consume news-wise

is from a worldwide source does that make sense so not a source coming straight from the United States um and our media but like um well I took an anthropology class in college it's probably my favorite class that I took and one of the big things that we talked about is like where to find good news source and good sources of information from and one of the biggest place was like uh what is it oh just finding unbiased sources of news so like bbc great option um things like uh maybe the new york times i would say that it is like a uh you know united states based news source um media source but i do find that they're fairly unbiased the things that they do kind of get angered about are like fair things to get angry about such as like why is no gun

control reform happening um and of course like overall media coverage i do see snippets of online on my phone I do get information from my friends from my family but I think the biggest thing to kind of like pay attention to is where you're consuming your sources of media because a lot of them are really just trying to make you upset and angry and make you feel hopeless I don't think we should feel hopeless actually you know what I think it's okay to feel hopeless i think it's okay to be angry i think it's okay to be upset over the things that are happening in this world because they are valid and being upset about um but i don't think you should consume media that's gonna like push you to a further extent than what you need to feel because when

we get to a point where we feel like so hopeless that we would just turn a blind eye and don't do anything that's the real issue um so yeah i understand you know news does get super overwhelming it does but i think it's important to pay attention to what's going on and pay attention to what's going on from a unbiased source as well uh pay attention to your local community what's happening locally what you can do locally um and if you do feel super super um like you have no say in things, like you feel like you are out of control, take one step to go feel like you are in control. Go to a city hall meeting and go speak up. Go support people who are speaking up in your community. Go support leaders who are wanting to make a change in your community. Go show up in

that sort of way. I feel like once you have like a hands-on aspect, it does help. Donate. Donate your time donate resources donate money whatever you have I feel like that helps a lot but I understand especially in the state of the world today how fucking stressful everything feels but I don't think we should give up I don't think we should you know turn a blind eye that's just letting the people in power who are fucking everything over for all of us win and that's not okay also I'm not gonna lie I'm a crazy bitch we all know this we all know this and I find it very cathartic especially in a world where you feel like that you can't do anything about the world around you listen i'm a bitch i'm a cunt and i'm proud of it literally so i live in

a state that we are they are gonna vote abortion they're gonna vote out abortion straight up so every time i see a it's like a purple sticker and it's like vote yes or what is it no vote no i don't know what it is but it's something about like fucking saving the babies every single time i see one of those stickers and i'm on the road and i'm driving somewhere i lay on my fucking horn and i speed right up next to them and i flip them off and i smile and they always look so sad and then i i drive off it is the most cathartic thing ever and it might just make them angrier they might just go on facebook and post about it but that's fine i find a sense of peace within myself whenever i do that literally we okay me and my boyfriend were like at um if you guys don't know

we were at the plaza uh from kansas city you know what that is but i was just walking around to get a birthday dress a while ago and um we saw this van with like rosary beads and then another like pro-life sticker and i was gonna write a note that said like fuck you and leave it on the front of the car but i couldn't find a pen so i was like whatever um and we left and we came back and there these two like frat boys walking in front of us i might have already told this story i don't know my memory is fucking shot um but there are these two like frat boys walking in front of us and they get in the fucking rosary van with the pro life sticker these two frat boys and i was like me and my boyfriend were making fun of them in public like as they're walking in front of us

obviously because like i will shame you like back in the day they used to have these people walk down the street and they would throw rocks at them and be like shame shame shame so i'm gonna do the same thing just in public because what are they going to do fight me like they can't fight obviously no pro-life person could beat the shit out of me straight up they could not i would fight back 10 times harder i would go to jail because of the damage i would do so like we were talking shit on them i was like of course there's two fucking men getting in the pro-life car like what the fuck and so they drive off and we drive off and we end up at the same fucking light as them so we're just like making fun of them blatantly openly with the windows down and they

rolled down their windows and they were like can we help you and i was like is that your car like that's not your mom's van right like this is your car and they were like yes i was like you guys are the biggest fucking pussies i've ever seen and my boyfriend was like you guys have the smallest dicks ever like just straight up making fun of them in real life loved it it was great people say peace is the only option but like if you're taking my rights away like i i'm allowed to get upset and angry with you straight up and they go we'll pray for you and i was like please don't pray for me i don't like your god i don't believe in your god and then i was like also maybe you should go help the children what are you gonna do for the kids like you don't give a fuck about us

so don't ever fucking pray for me and they were like scoffed they're like and they rolled up their windows i was like yeah bitch drive off leave us alone like god damn i will harass you in public actually yes if you guys are gonna take away my rights yes i will do so anyways i just get so upset and frustrated so it's like if you are putting that sticker on your car you are open to harassment straight up straight up what are you gonna do call the police on me i'm just like i'm just calling you i'm saying you have a small dick they can't arrest me for that they can't arrest me for saying you have a small dick and you're a pussy like come on anyways all righty and there's one more question that i wanted to cover i literally just tried to post on instagram

and they removed it for nudity i'm not nude in instagram i might retry and post it but also i just might not post it at all we shall see i'm literally in a swimsuit anyways um where is the fucking oh oh here's a few actually i'm gonna run through a few so someone asked how to begin your healing journey. I think a lot of people assume something big has to happen. You have to have a huge change. You have to have a huge switch. You got to drop out of college. You got to move across the country. You got to quit your job. No, I think the healing journey begins when you decide to, you know, get out of bed and shower. When you decide to make yourself a good meal. When you decide to show up for yourself in whatever small way it might be. Really the small little steps

that you're gonna make accumulate and mean more than the big shit that's happening i guarantee um what are your favorite essentials oh this is a good one they asked from vitamins fashion skincare all things so right now my essentials are very much so um my bikinis because it is so goddamn hot out they've just kind of become a part of my wardrobe whether it's just wearing a bikini top as a top or spending my days by the pool um my bestie uh sydney mary at shop sydney uh mary on instagram you can look her up she's incredible makes her own bikinis they're all one of a kind all from uh like um sorry i'm stretching oh my god from um recycled and um ethically sourced materials i believe she just like goes and thrifts them so every bikini that

you buy is gonna help support a small shop owner it's gonna be coming from a place that's not made in a sweatshop by children and also it's gonna be one of a kind which is incredible um when it comes to skincare um my favorite is the it's like it's called the cerave acne cream uh wash it's like 17 i know but it lasts me like four months it's the best thing ever it's the only face wash that's really actually helped my skin i also have been loving the peter thomas roth wait wait wait wait wait let me just go grab it because i don't think it's peter thomas roth beep beep beep um oh paula's choice two percent bha liquid exfoliant um this is the best because i just have like especially after my face wash that i just talked about it starts to i start to build up dead

skin and i really need to exfoliate and this is a really gentle exfoliator but don't use it how it's telling you to use it it's telling you to use it like every day that's no you're gonna fuck up your skin's barrier do not use it every day i use it maybe once a week and it's literally perfect it helps like slough off all the dead skin that i have as well as starface you always know starface is my favorite if you have acne you're prone to acne prone to breakouts whenever forget a giant pitbull i just throw a little star face patch on it so i don't pick at it so i don't so i don't get to it um and so i just leave it alone and i let my skin calm down um some other favorites of mine are um i've really been enjoying my playboy collection recently it's really fun to

look through um to read there's some fun like little articles in there especially the girls they interview they're all very interesting um my journal as well but recently i've kind of been enjoying like media creation and creating on my phone and collaging as well that's been my favorite collecting images um in whatever form and collaging them that's been a big favorite of mine and another essential that i'm literally about to go cook right now because my stomach is doing somersaults in my stomach my stomach is doing somersaults in my stomach and my tummy um is breakfast burritos yes actually maybe i'll make a chicken caesar wrap that's also been a go-to for mine when it comes to food um always an oat milk latte recently i've been getting caramel and

vanilla in mine i believe it's called a blondie but whatever i just say caramel and vanilla and yeah that's really it i'm trying to think of any other essentials but i feel like i'm in a weird transitionary period where i'm trying i'm still like unpacking i'm still kind of getting myself settled so okay and there's one more question that i wanted to dive into um and someone asked me how to feel happy when you feel others are succeeding at a faster rate than you um and here's the thing you really have to cut it out with the comparison it's really easy to look at someone's life from a surface level perspective because quite honestly that's really all you have unless you are that person and to be like well they're doing better than me so

I don't matter right right we've all been there it's okay you know I've been there too but as a local bitch who literally got a degree in daydreaming aka dropped out I feel you I've been there especially when all these people are getting out of college and getting quote-unquote bigger jobs and moving to new places um I feel you and I've been there but I realized the comparison and looking it over and constantly ruminating on you know well I'm not there well I haven't done this is simply doing nothing but stunting my own growth it's not helping me in any way it's not constructive in any way it's not benefiting me in any way other than making me sit down and think about my life and hate on myself and not do any work in progress

So, when you do see people who are in places where, A, maybe you want to get, or B, in a place that you simply cannot achieve, it's best to look at where you are now and look at the steps that you need to take to get to where you want to go, okay? I'm on a very interesting life path. I'm not on one that society has really set up for me. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of just winging it, which is very interesting, but I'm also setting a life for myself, which means I have to spend time thinking about how I need, how I want to get to where I want to get, instead of just thinking about all the things that I possibly could be doing, okay? Because you can spend your days laying in bed, thinking about all the things you need to do, all the things you want to do, until you actually get up and start doing those things, you'll find so much more peace, so much more, like, comfort within yourself, and you will stop comparing yourself less because you are making steps to benefit yourself and to benefit where you are growing, okay? And once you start growing, you really stop comparing, I can't lie. And you just continuously have to, you know, set those goals, make those steps. And when you do find yourself in a place where you are constantly comparing and constantly comparing yourself to people who are maybe in a unreachable place, and a place that you simply can't get to, you have to pause, take a moment to really reflect on your life, appreciate where you've come from. And then also take a moment to

daydream it's okay to be like well in 20 years i want to be here and think about a great incredible place where you want to be where you want to live like imagine your dream apartment imagine your dream job imagine those things daydream a little bit it's okay to have dreams and have goals and have wants and have them be a little crazy okay you gotta be a little delusional in order to achieve the crazy things that people could have never imagined for you i could be a and there's nothing wrong with this just for me personally was not the right choice i could be just a nurse right now right i could be a nurse i could have graduated i could have done all these things those were all very achievable things for me but they were not things i wanted nor dreamed about so i

am just going to continue dreaming i'm going to continue wanting i'm going to continue making big goals for myself but I'm never going to achieve those goals if I sit down and I constantly think about how I'm not other people how I'm not in this place or doing this thing or how I didn't graduate I'm where I am and I'm happy and I need to make the steps that I need to do that other people can't do in order to achieve what I want to achieve so I hope that helps never be afraid to daydream never be afraid to you know have big goals and wants and dreams for yourself but it's really easy to kind of switch your thought process to a more productive way of thinking of instead of being like oh well i wish i was doing this or i wish i did this or ruminating on the past or

where you could have been to thinking about where you are going and setting big dreams and big goals for yourself so i really really hope that helps but i don't think any of you should get down on yourself for it anyways thank you guys for joining me thank you for being here i'm gonna spend the rest of my day daydreaming and planning big goals and having a good day and eating good food and eating my mango yogurt in bed while relaxing and enjoying and really hoping and planning and appreciating my future self and you should too thank you for joining me thank you for being here thank you for always showing up i can't believe how many of you guys show up every fucking week and like just sit down and hang out with me it's wonderful having you here it's

wonderful having this community and i honestly could not be happier with what we've created and with what we're doing if you have any more call-ins please please please submit them to my instagram at hannah marlene um the link is in bio and also if you have any dms any questions please send them uh to my instagram dms i'd be more than happy to read them over talk about them on here or even give you a little reply on there but yeah um i love you all so much oh my god i also forgot to tell you guys my supplier started printing hoodies so i'm hoping by the end of the month we should have some hoodies in and we can all be matching in our smoke sesh hoodies wearing them while listening to this i literally cannot fucking wait so any questions you have

once again my instagram is hannah marlene thank you guys for being here thank you for showing up showing up for me showing up for yourself could not be happier I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and I might see you tomorrow I might see you on Friday either way you will hear from me again this week love you have a wonderful wonderful Wednesday