Smoke Sesh - ED’s, self sabotage, and the fear of the future

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

Happy Thursday! Today Hannah talks everything about her experience with eating disorders through the years (trigger warning), self sabotaging behaviors to be aware of, girl crushes, building genuine relationships, relationships with parents, and the fear of the future & how to combat it. Welcome to Smoke Sesh feel free to hang out and light up!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, someone to look out for them. Some people call me their internet big sister, others their fairy smoke mother. You can call me Hannah, the new host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. Some good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Good morning, everybody. Happy Thursday.

Welcome to Smoke Sash with Hannah. if you know who I am welcome back if not welcome my name is Hannah the host of Smoke Sash essentially your go-to call girl for when you have any sort of question that you need answered anything on your mind I'm here to help you out the good the bad the ugly and everything in between it is Thursday oh my goodness I released one episode on Tuesday already we covered a shit ton of stuff um stuff like going over what it's like to have a body and be in a relationship and feel comfortable in your body um what it was like getting caught with weed as a high schooler and college student and just a general person living under my parents roof um which was super duper

not fun but i cover all that in the last episode and then retrograde the cancer moon all of that i answered so many questions and i have so many more to keep going through and i'm so excited to continue this week with you welcome back thank you for listening literally every time i check the stats on this podcast i am fucking blown away blown the fuck away it's like 5 000 new listeners every time i check it's insane and also you guys have been begging for me to put this uh podcast on apple music so far it's been like only on spotify but i finally got it uploaded on apple music so if you're listening from there hello welcome um that's super exciting i've been trying to get that going for a long long time um apple music was just not collaborating with me but they

are now so you can now find this podcast on like honestly any platform and that's so exciting for me we're going worldwide baby we're we're reaching every single fucking place on this planet we're gonna reach all of you anyways let's dive into some questions i would update you on my week but really nothing's really happened since tuesday i had wednesday off and i it's been so fucking cold out that i haven't really done anything i've just been sitting inside soaking up the warmth and smoking um i've been doing a lot of journaling recently like way more than usual um not so much like answering questions and like doing deep diving self-intellectual work like that kind of journaling more so just like putting a date down on a piece of paper and writing about my day

and having that as something to look back on in the future to see where I was on that day, how I've grown, how I've changed, you know what I mean. I kind of did something like this that was really, really helpful and eye-opening. If you guys are going through a breakup, I got a surprising amount of questions about how to get over a boyfriend,

how to go through a breakup, whatever. And I wasn't sure how to answer that for this podcast, but I think I just came up with the answer. Totally forgot I did this, but when I broke up with my first boyfriend I didn't break up with him he broke up with me straight up um but um it was a new year right he broke up with me like on Christmas I know over the phone horrible horrible bad um broke up with me on Christmas I spent that time like two weeks after Christmas whatever a week after he broke up with me like morning kind of and then starting on

like new year's day i think i started writing in my notes app i didn't have a journal at the time um but i started writing in my notes app and like i would write every single day how i was feeling i would just let myself purge all those emotions get all the sadness out like i didn't want to be like although we have friends and we have people to lean on and people to vent to and they're there for that absolutely that's what friends are for you cannot just use your friends as only a source of venting and as only a source of like releasing all of your emotional needs onto them um because they are humans too they are not therapists um so i found that journaling was the best place because sometimes like i can talk about a topic for hours and hours and hours especially if it's

bothering me like i can keep bringing it up but i need to come to the realization to understand that like not everybody can handle that emotionally and not everybody wants to hear that emotionally and that's fine doesn't mean they're bad friends just means you know everybody has their own priorities for their own mental health so I started journaling and if I needed to dump like any sort of like emotional baggage that I was holding on to usually at night it'd be like 3 a.m me up like crying like oh I got broken up with you know what I mean whatever I just journal and I found these the other day because every day I would just get in my notes and it'd be like a new day and I would just dump and like looking back on those entries those journal entries

like I know at that moment I was feeling like dead heartbroken horrible awful but like everyone that you read you just like feel a little bit of hope grow like a little bit more and then after like a few weeks like I'm not even writing about him anymore I'm writing about my day my friends the fun I had like occasionally sure he would pop up in my journal but it really shows you and it proves to you that like over time things do pass and journaling is really helpful to help you like a move through those emotions while you feel them and b have those as a reminder in the future for when you're maybe not feeling so good or when you do need a reminder that hey things will work out you have hope you can go back and read those and revisit the way you have grown because a lot

of the times it's really easy for us to forget how much we go through and how much we grow if we don't have those like things to remind us by and personally i love journaling i love dumping things out of my fucking mind putting them in a spot where i don't have to think about them and moving on now although i'm not like broken up with right now like my journal entries are pretty fucking good it's just me talking about my life and my hopes my dreams my plans you know what i mean you can use it for anything i just think having a journal is a great way um to document your growth and to dump a little bit especially if you're going through a breakup um just having that safe space to rely on that isn't another person that isn't you know you can also use that in therapy

in future if you have a therapist um but yeah I think just like take time to yourself feel free to feel your emotions fully dump them out in a little journal treat yourself a little bit and you really will get through it I know it seems that like it's impossible to move through but you'll get there i promise um but let's get into some questions i didn't mean to answer that question but there you go there's the fucking answer i have so many more to answer so let's get into them okay so i want to offer a although this whole podcast should have like a trigger warning on it because we do talk about like mental health topics and very random sporadic topics that could be like triggering in any sort of way i do like to give a little trigger warning before i

talk about anything um but we're gonna talk about eating disorders um yeah we're gonna talk about eating disorders this morning um i don't know i've just been getting a lot of questions like have you ever had an eating disorder have you dealt with any eating disorders have you dealt with anything um like eating wise i've seen a lot of people reaching out for help for direction any sort of that so i want to talk about my journey a little bit i talked about my mental health journey in a full episode but i feel like my uh fight with mental health was a little bit more than my fight with um my eating disorder that just seemed to be like just another thing that i had my mental health issue was a little bit bigger though um my eating issues started in

high school um beginning of high school whenever and although my eating issues i'm trying to think about where they really stemmed from tbh i think they stemmed from my online consumption of media that portrayed the skinny as the ideal and i'm gonna say that was mostly through tumblr um i spent a lot of my time on tumblr and tumblr especially back in like 2014 2015 was very very toxic especially because um it just idealized these bodies that were very very hard to obtain and idealized like these perfect eating rituals that were very hard to obtain and sustain yourself by and um i think myself and a lot a lot of other women especially my age and people who well went through the tumblr phase like i did experience that and

experience the negativity of that and i see a lot of that kind of being tiktok feels like a bad mimic of tumblr quite honestly at least like a bad mimic of like 2014 2015 tumblr and i see a lot of the same things happening on there like body checking what i eat in a days that are just not fulfilling um romanticizing lifestyles that um inherently bring addictions and eating disorders into them like back in the day on tumblr what was romanticized was like the model-esque kate moss kind of vibe there was like a quote that was like nothing tastes as good as skinny does that kate moss said and it was just like a fucking rampant on tumblr cigarettes all of that shit any sort of like repressant and now it's odd because i see like the ballet the ballerina

vibe being romanticized on tiktok which is also a notorious like rampant eating disorder addiction kind of situation not that all fucking ballerinas are like that but the the stuff i'm seeing is a little bit concerning so a big tip personally is just watch your media consumption and watch what you're paying attention to if you see anything that is triggering immediately report it or like not report it but like uninterested try and make sure that like your feed doesn't recommend you that anymore um i had this issue where i would see this media and immediately deep dive into it um fall into it learn more about it and i felt i feel like that is kind of a self-harm tool that i kind of did um allowing myself to fall deeper into a darker place um now i have a little bit of

self-control and looking back i wish i had more self-control so if you do have any sort of self-control try and just help your present and future self out um try not to fall into those traps but i'd say my eating disorder really really started when i got into veganism and I've talked about this a little bit before um I got into environmentalism and veganism when I was in like sophomore year of high school and I became vegan vegetarian mostly vegan and it caused me to severely restrict and um control what was I what I was eating and it gave me a really really negative relationship with food and like I said I talked about this before and how I think young people and women and everybody in general should

be warned about you know changing your eating habits in any sort of way is going to have an effect on you can you handle it and I thought I could handle it in reality it gave me a really bad relationship with food and a really bad relationship with food control um i was becoming vegan and i was being so controlling of my food because if i was controlling of my food then i felt like i was controlling of my life um so um i just didn't eat a lot in high school i didn't eat a lot and it wasn't as bad as it got later um but I definitely had some some sort of controlling relationship on food then I got admitted to the psych ward for a little bit that kind of helped it because it shifted my priorities from food to my mental health um I started being more controlling

in my mental health aspects which allowed me to feel less control in my food realm and I did start eating more and I started eating um healthy or not healthier but just like more average like how I should be eating just like not controlling of what I eat like I wasn't vegan anymore for the last couple years of high school I put on a good amount of healthy weight um and then I went to college I went to college for that first year and I was doing really good mental health um eating wise and then um I just spiraled and my weed usage kind of got out of control and I wasn't paying attention to school and I got bad grades and I lost my scholarship and I almost was kicked out of my college so I had to do a 360 for my second year of schooling and my 360 I cut out

weed I kind of cut off my friends a little bit because I didn't have time to go out and party I didn't have time to do any of that I need to be in studying doing what focusing on what I needed to focus on to get through school um and I feel like that necessary control also leaked into my eating habits again and it didn't fall into a veganism kind of controlling category like that i just got way way too controlling with working out and with eating and whoever thought that working out and eating could be an eating could be a disorder but it absolutely was i was not using it in a healthy way i was not using it in a way that made me feel good i was using it as a punishment tool i was using it as a oh you just got done studying eight hours but you didn't do

good enough on your test now you need to go spend an hour on the treadmill okay and then for dinner you're not gonna have anything like it was just a controlling kind of like self-harm tactic I was not eat I was like hindering carbs only thing I really ate was like you know the bro chicken the bro fucking like broccoli like whatever the gym bros were eating and once I I eventually kind of escaped that on my own because I dropped out of college I think if I were to stay in college I um probably would have continued it because it was just not a path that was healthy for me um college nursing school and everything I was going through was just not the best for me and once I broke out of that kind of situation things got a lot a lot better I just needed to

put myself first and put my mental health first and I stopped being so restricting but my mental health or my eating disorders really came from like a sense of my outside life is out of control so I need to find some sort of control within my inside life and so I would control my eating and control how much I eat now I'm still healing from it um that was only like two years ago three years ago um I still find myself falling back into mindsets and habits of like having to simply just remind myself you can eat that like that's okay you could eat that you can eat more you're allowed to eat more are you still hungry is there something else you need to nourish your body by um i still find myself wanting to skip meals i still find myself wanting to do all of

that but um being in a relatively healthy part of my life i feel pretty control in what's going on i feel pretty happy where i am it's way easier to control those thoughts and desires now but if you're going through something like this you're not alone we've all been there absolutely it's very easy to get help for I don't want you to get stuck in the cycle as long as I did I'm still trying to like gain weight back gain healthy weight back like my body I feel like my body isn't as developed because I restricted so much in my younger years when I was supposed to be eating and nourishing my body that I didn't grow properly in a sense like I still am very small and skinny and I kind of wish I had more of a womanly figure like my mom did but I didn't

eat enough or nourish myself enough to have that and so I'm still trying to get on track and on path still trying to heal from like five years ago and the stuff that I was doing five years ago six years ago and it's a battle every day but it's kind of helping me um connect to my divine feminine which is kind of odd um I want to like now that I'm kind of older like 22 um I used to think oh the teenage you know like early 20s that is like what is like the goal you know what I mean like everybody's like oh once you turn 30 you're old you're old but now like as I've grown up as a woman I do want to feel more womanly I want to feel more connected to my divine feminine I want to feel more in tune with myself in that way and I found food has really helped me with that um

cooking for myself, cooking for other people, intentionally eating things that make me feel good, that make my body feel good. Um, eating enough that, um, I've like, like I've said, my intuitive eating is kind of what has helped my eating disorder. Um, not restricting and allowing myself to genuinely eat whatever I want. Um, listening to those hunger cues when I am hungry um listening to those thirst cues when I am thirsty staying hydrated staying um just putting my focus and my energy into fueling my body as if it um was like kind of a car if you think of it that way fueling my body because it needs energy to run and I've realized that if I don't have the energy to put into it I'm not gonna have the energy to put out and so intuitively eating

eating until I'm full eating things that make me feel good eating things that don't make me feel good it doesn't matter just allowing myself to eat when I want to eat it and indulge in those things that I want that has really helped my relationship with food 10 out of 10 and it takes time it takes a long time um but you can do it I promise um you can get through it as well as when I was going through my eating disorder I had a therapist at the time she was really really great um just a person to talk to with whether I had like fears with eating concerns with eating um ways to implement healthy habits and eating into my lifestyle she was a great source for that sometimes if you just don't know where to find the information who to reach out to a therapist

is perfect for that um and i have a lot of people who have been asking me where to find therapy how to ask for therapy i guarantee your parents will be very open to therapy um if you bring it up to them i i guarantee it um if they are not open to therapy if they are if you have their health insurance you do not need their permission to start therapy straight up if you're um you can look into your insurance whether it is your parents or your own you can look into the terms and conditions you can look into what therapists are accepted by your insurance and legally they cannot tell your parents unless you are a harm to yourself and others need to be admitted but if you just need like general everyday life-to-life therapy you can absolutely find that um i think

everybody should be in therapy i think it's so incredibly helpful i don't think anybody should go through this life alone and i think if we are going to go through it we should absolutely have somebody in our life with an unbiased opinion okay big thing about therapy is i appreciate an unbiased opinion okay when i go to my parents when i go to my friends they're obviously going to have new perspectives new ideas preconceived notions because they know me they know me and that's okay they're my friends they're supposed to they're my family they're supposed to know me you know what i mean it is incredible and great and eye-opening and wonderful to simply just have somebody in your life who is there to give you answers based on genuinely what they think is best for you

not what is connecting them to you does that make any sort of sense um but yeah i love food now i love eating i love cooking cooking especially has helped me reconnect with food and reconnect with my body i love cooking um i think there's something so wonderful and incredible from starting a meal from scratch everything from scratch um taking every single ingredient doing it all yourself um if you can only cook box meals that is absolutely wonderful whatever is best for you but starting it from scratch and doing every single piece of work that it takes to have a um completed meal at the end of the day is so so fulfilling um and it makes you feel um completed in a sense you know you get to complete something you get to finish something and then at the end of

it guess what you got something tasty to eat it's incredible i love cooking um that has simply healed a lot for me and um also i used to be very restrictive with calories um a lot of calorie counting a lot a lot a lot a lot of calorie counting that was a very very big issue um i had to put like some tape and stuff over calorie numbers for a while um at my house and around wherever i was eating um just so i would be reminded to not look at those and then after a while i just conditioned myself to not look at those and i i don't remember the last time i've thought about calories so if you can if i can get through it you can get through it i absolutely guarantee it um a lot of women not even a lot of women a lot of people have a ton of issues eating

and i think a lot of it stems from outside media and a need for inside control um and there's so many different ways to control your life and feel more in control of it than hurting yourself and um reconditioning your eating i don't think anybody needs to do that um seek help you're not alone we've all been there you were incredible um and although i'm a woman and i am speaking from a woman's perspective and a lot of women might relate to what i'm saying um especially when i was going through like my second kind of wave of an eating disorder i was hitting the gym and doing like the gym bro thing and it made me realize that a lot of men have eating disorders too like very harsh eating disorders um a lot of these like gym bro like i'm gonna go work out for

four hours and then eat like two chicken breasts and four cups of white rice like that is an eating disorder i'm so sorry but like controlling and over controlling your consumption based off your body image is not healthy um although like of course um there is healthy ways of doing so um i just realized a lot of men have eating have eating control issues um i think low key low key my eating control issue kind of stemmed from my dad a little bit um which is surprising i feel like a lot of women um have their eating control issues stem from their mother my mother has always had a very healthy relationship with food she has always tried to instill that in me as well I've never seen my mom go on a diet I've never seen my dad really go on a diet either but he

has always always always been very health and gym focused he is like he does a lot of coaching for sports so it makes sense but you know choosing to not have a bun on your burger I was like what what does that mean when I'm nine and then you know you grow up and you're like wait a minute oh that's calories like you can cut out certain foods when in reality like you shouldn't be cutting out any foods um you should really just be nourishing your body fully and completely and not restricting yourself in really any sort of way um but yes that's kind of I just wanted to give my little story my experience in case anybody was going through anything like that I just want you guys to know you're not alone. A lot of the times I've gone through any sort of struggle in

my life, I have always felt alone. And that has kind of been a big factor for continuation of my misery. So if I can make you feel less alone, make you realize anything about yourself, make you seek help, then I am doing my job correctly. Because I want us all to be our best selves. I want us all to feel good about ourselves. I want us all to be confident and happy and feel content in our bodies because I don't think body positivity is the go-to I think it's all about body neutrality um body positivity like yes love your body like of course that's really hard to start off for some people and it can feel really fake at first same thing with like mental health like mental health positivity like I I hear you I understand so start with just like feeling

neutral about your body start with just looking at your body as a body not as good not as bad but you're just purely existing and you should be allowed to purely exist we're all allowed to take up space in this world and hold it and do what we want with it so i love you if you need help seek it you can do it i believe in you but we got some more questions to get out to you this is a 20 minute i've been rambling i gotta speed through the next round but i love you okay let's talk um self oh fuck what am i trying to think of literally me like yeah let's talk let's talk about a new topic literally immediately forgets the topic i'm the worst i'm the worst okay tbh it is 10 o'clock like in the morning so i'm still waking up um we're gonna talk self-sabotaging

behaviors and people have been asking me how to stop self-sabotaging what is self-sabotaging um and it's something that I've taken a while to kind of figure out what it is in my daily life and what it is in my practicing life because I think just being aware of what the behaviors are helps you in turn not do the behaviors because I was thinking about some of them and um I didn't even realize they were self-sabotaging and then I was like no but it makes sense that this is self-sabotage behaviors so i'm gonna read a few off for you feel free to write them down so you can revisit them i'll read them slow um or honestly i can write them out and put them on my instagram story either way but self-sabotaging behaviors these are very important anything

you're doing that is a behavior like this you are putting yourself behind to help other people's gain and in turn you are probably not going to feel great about yourself um okay so waiting for people to guess what you need and what you feel then holding it against them if they don't get it right okay if you do not speak up for yourself people are not going to hear you and understand what you need so you cannot get mad at them if you are not speaking up for yourself all right creating rigid rules for how people should show up for you and then ending the relationship if they can't do it everybody's going to show up for you differently everybody's going to show up for you how they feel is best how they feel is best to go about you how they personally feel is you

know we all act differently understand that people are going to come to you in different ways and be open to that if you set a closed off negative like limiting mindset for yourself people can't fit into that and you will never see love through that okay creating rigid rules for how people should show up for you at ending the relation relationship if they can't do it all right saying yes or participating in things that go against your value system all right morals they're important follow them if you're saying yes to something that goes against yourself you're going against yourself remaining stuck in patterns that are comfortable yet unhealthy for you remaining stuck in patterns that are comfortable yet unhealthy for you things can be very very

comfortable very very comfortable is it bettering you is it helping you is it making you a good person all right telling yourself an opportunity won't go well before you give it a genuine try do you know how many times i've been like oh this isn't gonna work and then it works literally like every time it's just self-doubt you have to give yourself a shot you have to see the results live in person you cannot assume the worst all the time creating rules for why you can't do something you really want to do for yourself i'm kind of i do this um i will just like create imaginary things that just get in the way of why things won't work out for me or why things aren't going to go the way i want them to even though i have no idea why it's gonna or which way it's

gonna go allowing negative self-talk to dictate your choices you really have to be on top of that you have to be on top of the way you talk to yourself in your head taking on more tasks when you're already overwhelmed and ignoring signs that you need to break you have to stand up for yourself you have to give yourself that break you need if you're overwhelmed to speak up depending on others to change before you make a change you got to be the leader repeating the same strategies they haven't oh god sorry my nose is stuffy so when i speak it's like slurring repeating the same strategies that haven't gotten you the result you want. If you repeat the same thing over and over and over again and it keeps giving you the same outcome, do not keep doing it. You have to

leave. Volunteering your time and energy without being asked or when your plate is full and then becoming resentful about your sacrifice. I feel like this is probably the biggest key for what what most people do that is self-sabotaging is simply just like over consuming or not over consuming over exerting is maybe a better word your energy and your time into other people and other things and then becoming resentful of those things you were previously happy about because you did it all right your attitude or the way you go about things really affects how you feel about things and I've realized sometimes a lot of the way I feel about other things and people is directly related to what i am doing and not related to what they are doing at all okay so

if you feel resentful you feel bad for some sort of reason and you're like but in reality the situation is great the situation is perfect maybe it's the way you're going about it maybe it's the way you're approaching the situation all right i'm gonna read all of those one more time um and then i'll probably post them on my instagram as well but self-sabotaging behaviors waiting for people to guess what you need and what you feel then holding it against them if they can't get it right creating rigid rules for how people should show up for you and ending the relationship if they can't do it saying yes or participating in things that go against your value system remaining stuck in patterns that are uncomfortable yet unhealthy for you or that are comfortable

yet unhealthy for you sorry telling yourself an opportunity won't go well before you give it a genuine try creating rules for why you can't do something that you really want to do for yourself allowing negative self-talk to dictate your choices taking on more tasks when you're already overwhelmed ignoring signs that you need to take a break depending on others to change before you make a change repeating the same strategies that haven't gotten you the results you want volunteering your time and energy without being asked or when your plate is full and then becoming resentful about your sacrifice okay avoid avoid be aware be self-aware you and your relationship with yourself and the world around you would become 10 times better if you were just aware

of these behaviors and you actively work to go against them okay we don't need any self-sabotaging here i'm like the queen of self-sabotage as well like i will look something directly in the face and be like i'll still do it you know what i mean and it's simply just like you can be so so self-aware but are you brave enough to take the steps are you brave enough to choose the path that you know is better for you are you strong enough to do that for yourself literally no one else is going to show up and pick what is right for you other than yourself so you have to be self-aware but also make the change in the actions that you deserve you know you deserve it why aren't you doing it okay so you know i make this podcast for like my besties my girls you know what i mean

um my boyfriend never watches like well my boyfriend and my friends this is very interesting they don't watch my content they don't consume my content because they're like it's weird to view you in like a third party kind of way like they can just view me in real life you know what i mean um my boyfriend just like doesn't watch my tiktoks he likes oh my god he's like a fan on fucking instagram he likes that shit he posts that shit in his story all the time but he's never listened to my podcast um and i told him i was like you don't need to listen to it like it's not that deep like it's not that good you don't have to listen like whatever i'm not talking to my boyfriend on here like I'm talking to you guys you know and the other day I got back from work

and he was like so I listened to your podcast and I was like because some of the topics I'm talking about on here like I don't bring up to my boyfriend you know what I mean like there's no reason for me to have a conversation about my ex like to my boyfriend I was like oh god what did you listen to he was like yeah um i listened to your podcast and you know i thought it was really good i can't get mad that i went snooping and listened to some information i maybe didn't want to hear but he was like it does genuinely feel like when i put on this podcast that you are sitting in the room talking to me like it is very engaging it's very fun and i was like yes I got another stan good but I was so nervous I was like what did you listen to what did you hear

there's nothing like bad on here but like like I said obviously the conversations I'm having on here are not conversations that I'm like having currently with my boyfriend like he doesn't need to hear about anything from my past really um but I thought that was so funny I was like good glad I'm glad that like I'm just glad the way that I want to present my podcast is translating well to you guys and people who know me as well like my boyfriend knows me better than anybody else i'm glad that he also feels the same way that you guys do that like we're just hanging out we're just having a good time like just i'm having a good ass conversation he was like it's like when um you're out in public and you happen to like run into a stranger who's just a little bit more

talkative and they're great at like carrying the conversation and like taking control of conversation and it's nice because you can just sit there and like agree and nod and listen and I was like perfect like that is exactly what I'm going for because there was this woman in Los Angeles this older woman I need to reach out to her I don't think I have any phone number but she asked me to draw a tattoo for her and I feel like I need to do that just like because her vibes are everything um she was at the skate park that well me and my boyfriend were looking for a skate park for him to skate at because like literally uh what they don't tell you about men is like if they don't do their hobbies they're assholes straight up same thing for me if i don't get

the shit done that i need to get done i'm an asshole so like skating for him if he doesn't get out and skate he's a fucking dick so i'm like leave me alone go skate well we're on vacation he still needs to skate on vacation which is fine because it gives me time to journal and like do art and hang out in the sun like i love going to the skate park with him and so we go to the skate park and there's this woman there who's like wearing a lifeguard hat and older woman maybe like 60 looked a little quirky she's like blonde super fucking tan like looks like she just spends every day out surfing and we get there and she like yells at my boyfriend because he doesn't have a helmet on apparently you have to wear helmets at this fucking skate park so she goes

she gets him like pads from the lost and found they're like kiki-ing it out like hanging she seems to be super cool i end up having this long ass conversation with her but like the reason that it was so warm and inviting and nice because she would just talk forever she had so much on her mind she wanted to get to know about you and tell you and and like although i had literally never met this person i'm not from los angeles and she has no idea who i am it just felt warm and inviting and comforting and that's kind of what i want to provide to you guys as well because those interactions with strangers out in public are like my favorite interactions on the planet like more than my friends more than my family like just having those moments where you run into a

random person and you guys just connect and click right away that is like my favorite human experience ever so i love that i'm getting to do that on a podcast thank you guys for being here thank you for joining me thank you for listening me talk i can talk for hours thank you for listening to literally every second of this i have people message me and they're like girl i have listened to this podcast in every single episode two times over i need more and i'm like i'm on it like don't worry i am working hard for you i'm putting out two a week i got you girl but thank you for being here more questions i have to i have to get through these we've been talking for so long okay one of my besties asked me how do i track the right relationships into my life and i've

been getting a lot of questions too that are like i'm ready for a relationship i'm ready to be in a relationship like i don't know what to do like what do i seek like do i go on dates do i go on dating apps like what should i do and it's like sure you may be ready for a relationship you may have felt like you've gone through all the self-work needed to have a relationship and great that's wonderful that's awesome sorry i'm just grabbing my coffee from the microwave um as you should i feel like i want everybody to get to a point in their life that they are like great i have gotten through my period of self-growth that was necessary and now i feel open and ready for receiving a relationship which is fantastic love that for you best way to have a relationship

to build a relationship to attract a relationship is to continue on that path of self-love self-discovery self-growth that you were on where you were focusing on yourself straight up straight up keep focusing on yourself keep doing good keep pushing yourself keep growing keep like continuing on your life keep trying to be authentic with yourself and the way you behave around other people and you will attract people into your life okay when i met my boyfriend i was not looking for a boyfriend he was also not looking for a girlfriend we met we were just gonna hang out and just I like was like I'm not gonna take this that seriously like I'm just gonna hang out with a guy I'm going to hang out with him as if he is like a friend of mine right like a previous friend

of mine somebody I've known for years I'm gonna treat him the same way I'm gonna behave the same way if he can't vibe with that then obviously we're not gonna be good together because like what's gonna change if you can't vibe with me right now then we're not gonna vibe in the future you know if he can't behave with me the same way i behaved to like my best friends then it's not gonna work and i went with that mindset just being like i'm just an independent girly i'm gonna go hang out with somebody for fun and if it works it works and that's what we did and we have been inseparable ever since basically um we have been obsessed with each other really though i i was not looking for a relationship I was on my period of just like hanging out doing my thing

like I had gone through my self-growth period and I was just having fun um being my most authentic self focusing on myself and the universe just decided to put him into my life you really do meet more authentic better people though when you yourself are presenting yourself to the world authentically and truly how you how you were supposed to be presenting yourself um like i said um the way you interact the world brings people towards you based on how you interact towards it i intentionally went out there acting towards him like a friend like as somebody i've known for years and he caught the fucking vibe and he could hold the vibe as well which is all i really care about like if you can have fun together that's really all that matters i i just don't have fun

i want to have a good time um and yeah i don't know just like don't stop focusing on yourself don't put yourself aside for a relationship i feel like that sets up a negative system for yourself keep focusing on yourself keep doing the best for you if they fit into your puzzle piece of a life then perfect if they don't don't sweat it keep working you're doing great okay someone asked me how to better their relationship with their parents and okay I had an okay relationship with my parents when I was living under their roof but our relationship got exponentially better when I moved out um when I was in college and we had some space and also when I just completely moved out our relationship has been completely different they're no longer well they are my

parents like always and forever but when I was living under their roof they felt like they still need to set rules with me they still needed to control my life in some way they felt like they still had a say in my life in some sort of way um once i moved out the say in my life kind of left they understood that they gave my gave us some space you know what i mean and i have a lot of people question like should i forgive my parents for past trauma should i do whatever should i should i bring it up to them should i confront them about it and it's like i have i've tried in the past i've tried i brought up like oh you guys did this and it immediately you know got pushed off like oh whatever we're parents we did what we needed to do like whatever

and i realized all right it's no use fighting the battle of trying to make them see what i'm seeing because that's like kind of impossible like you will never be able to see from my perspective so instead I just have been focusing on all right if they don't see it that way if they see it whatever way they want to see it that's fine that's that's perfectly fine I'm not gonna waste my time and energy trying to convince them that my reality is real because that's gonna drive me more insane than it is anybody else um and right now I've just been focusing on putting boundaries and understanding that my parents are people too the same way that I'm a person and I'm trying to do my best and I just kind of go from there um that has kind of helped our relationship

way more just reminding myself that like you know what they're people like although they are my parents um now that they have like less control in my life it's way easier for me to see them as people to and individuals as well um and connect to them that way than it is like um as they are like my parents you know what i mean people mess up people make mistakes people don't do things the right way and that's all right that's fine like i don't have like crazy big horrible trauma from them it's just like you know little things so it's way easier for me to accept and understand um and i choose to have them in my life because you know it wasn't too too bad you know i can still work with them on things and I can still put space between us and I can still put boundaries

when I need them like my mom the other day she only calls me to nag me about things and so I had to talk to her I was like do not call me if you're going to sit like complain to me about things that is not good for my mental health you can call me about fun things I would love to have conversations with you about like fun super fun like whatever's going on in your life but you cannot call me and stress me out period i literally said that she was like okay and if she does call me and stress me out i'm like okay bye you do have to set kind of slightly harsh boundaries they don't react well with that give yourself some space they probably want to be around you so they'll work with you okay relationships with parents are complicated because they do

want to be there for you it's just difficult when you're like i don't know where i want you in my life so just work with them um i've also started pottery with my dad i told you guys about that a while ago that's helped our relationship a little bit by just like being around each other being with each other um because like when we're around each other it's usually on family like reasons and we're only talking about family things but it's nice to hang out with your dad and like talk about life talk about what they're going through on their daily life you know what i mean stuff other outside of family seeing them as a person an individual um that's been really really great so i don't know i think relationships with parents get just 10 out of 10 way better once you move out

and i think everybody can agree with me on that um so give it some time understand that there is more leeway once you get older you do just have to get through that period okay it's 10 30 i think we need a bowl do you guys think we need a bowl i think we need a bowl it's 10 30 um it's time to get to smoke in i have work at two oh my god i train on the bar at two o'clock i'm so excited i've been training to bartend um so if i'm ever your bartender soon hey what's up i'll pour those drinks hella strong for you um but yeah i'm hoping it'll be an early work day because i got this shit to do in the morning which like i actually love it's pretty fun um and then work and then hopefully me and my boyfriend are gonna be hanging out later but we'll see we'll see um let's pack

a little bully bowl what is our next question also pack a little bowl answer some questions oh someone asked me what um your most memorable childhood show or movie growing up was and this is gonna be a fucking weird answer um i feel like everybody kind of has a weird answer for their childhood movie because the stuff we gravitate to as like a child is very interesting my favorite movie ever ever i had it on dvd um i think my dad bought it on dvd first and then i just became obsessed with it but when i was a kid well first of all my first obsession was veggie tales um i'm not a christian anymore my grandma asked me at christmas she was like do you still go to church i was like um next question it's like girl obviously not um but my favorite movie when i

was younger was angelina jolie's tomb raider i just thought she was like a bad fucking bitch she had a nerdy little boyfriend with a computer who helped her kill people she fucking like broke people's necks with her thighs i was like hell yeah i am all about this oh my god i'm obsessed also like angelina jolie you can't really go wrong with that loki my first ever no i don't think i really had a girl crush on her oh my god but somebody else asked me hold on let's take this bowl and then i'll answer this question but yeah uh tomb raider angelina jolie was like holy shit my favorite fucking movie um when i was a kid we would watch that shit on repeat walk my mom will walk downstairs to be me my dad in the living room watching angelina jolie and

she'd be like okay i'm leaving but that was a nice little morning rip good morning world oh my god okay we're back um someone else asked me though kind of relating to oh shit so i fucking missed it um oh who was the girl that made you realize you weren't a hetero oh um so when i was like 12 um mtv played for the first time ever nikki minaj's super bass and i saw fat ass titties and twerking for the first time and i was like yeah i think i like girls straight up i was like she's like oiled up i was like okay there's something here there's something here and then when i first got into like porn and i was like like i feel like a lot

of girls especially the first porn that they kind of watch is like usually girl on girl porn like i feel like that's usually what i prefer i don't really watch porn anymore but when i did that's what i would prefer um it's just like softer more sensual more vibey more like touchy feely i don't know it wasn't like fucking hard scary i was like oh sometimes the hetero porn is little oh i thought was made for a man that was not made for a woman um love her though she really did that for me i cannot believe nikki minaj i was thinking back on that and i was like oh my god you're right it was when nikki minaj's super bass fucking aired on mtv on our tiny little tv in the fucking living room i was like looking around like everybody else see this is everybody else

seeing what i'm seeing someone asked me my favorite easy meals and snacks and this is a great question because i'm somebody who you know is overcoming an eating disorder loves to cook loves to make things also it doesn't have a lot of time or mental energy um some of my favorite things to make are simply just like you do have to cook it all yourself but it's like three ingredients basically so potato bowls you get your potatoes you get kale you get eggs um i don't usually put meat in my potato bowls but that's completely up to you you can do like chorizo bacon whatever I usually do kale eggs um potatoes hot sauce that's great you get your starch you get like I put two or three eggs in there so it's a ton of protein kale for like a little bit of greens

great little easy snack bowl lots of egg sandwiches love me an egg sandwich or a breakfast burrito you can even pre-make the breakfast burritos which are basically just like the bowls in a tortilla um and you can freeze them as well for yourself throughout the week so I will make like sometimes six breakfast burritos and then I'll have them in the morning because I know I need to eat in the morning I just have zero energy and I skip breakfast so easily like I will skip over that bitch as quick as I can so if I have something that's easy for me that's already pre-made and I have time to make it love me a breakfast burrito um what else salmon bowls uh salmon is very high in protein very high in healthy fat I've been trying to eat a lot of healthy fats recently

um so rice white rice salmon get you a little um uh sweet thai chili from like the asian market and then avocado throw some edamame on top of there boom shred up some um what are the cucumber too you can shred up cucumber love it great rice well we basically sell that at my restaurant so i will get that a lot of the times for my restaurant for like dinner um add avocado onto it because i love adding healthy fats guacamole i love guacamole i love making homemade guacamole is the best snack ever i also just love chips and it makes me feel a little bit more healthier if i'm eating it on a chip um i love like this guacamole made my ass like three times fatter straight up three times fatter when i say i'm trying to put on healthy weight i

mean like healthy weight like i want to get a fat ass some fat titties you know i'm trying to put i'm trying to look a little thick dare i say like i just want to you know curve up healthy fats love them love guacamole love a good quesadilla but i will um dice up bell peppers roast the bell peppers throw the bell peppers and some um on some cheese on a tortilla make a little quesadilla and then dip that in guacamole and when i make guacamole i'm not just saying just like smashing up avocados like i was saying you get your avocado you get your serrano pepper you get your lime you get your um your tons and tons and tons of cilantro okay you get your red onion you gotta make it yourself you will feel so much more complete so much more whole if you do it

yourself i guarantee um i also love doing like avocado toast in any sort of way but yeah those are my go-to right now i love eggs eggs have always been a safe food breakfast food is always like my favorite i'm a fucking fanatic for breakfast food i love it like i could go out to breakfast any day like i love breakfast um so i a lot of breakfast meals but yeah i don't eat a lot of meat in my daily life i love tacos um i love like barbacoa asada tacos anything like that i would go to chipotle a lot too um but yeah yeah i don't know those are like kind of the easiest little meals i can think of those are my go-to right now this is a great question and i had someone asked me on my instagram this the other day i did like an instagram q a um because i was

bored on edible the other day and it was like snowing out i was like well let's get into it someone asked me they just were like expressing to me that they were afraid of the future and they had a fear of the future and i got another question that was like um how to get over the fear of the future they love you so much love you too by the way um first of all i used to be terrified of the future because the only adults i knew about sorry of the hiccups for some fucking reason the only adults that i knew about in the media that were successful were 20 to 30 or the ones that i was focusing on okay obviously that's not the only ones in the media that's the only one i was really focusing on in like 16 okay and the adults that i knew in the present

were not 20 to 30 and they were unhappy extremely unhappy where they were don't end up where i am do do this differently so you end up differently do i wish i i no i realized there was hope for the future when i got my serving job at 19 and was around adults who didn't hate their life for the first time ever in my fucking life let me take a fucking hit because this is very important i was finally around like adults i was what 19 i'd only been around college students and professors and before that high schoolers and teachers i had worked um jobs but they were at daycare so I was with like adults who had retired and were now working at a daycare for some extra money and like two-year-olds like I was not around active working young adults and when I got my

serving job I was 19 so I was the I was the youngest I was the baby okay and everybody else was like 25 to 50 okay so older and everybody there was having a good time everybody there was having a blast everybody there was going on vacations having fun seeing their family playing like different types of like sports with each other going to concerts together and I was like wait a minute you can like have fun in the future like it completely changed my perspective and it's a reason why I kind of got stuck in the restaurant industry a little bit is because I saw hope for the first time i saw people having fun for the first time and these weren't incredibly wealthy people these aren't people who were just like living their life on their parents money these

aren't people who are not working and were celebrities you know what i mean these were hard ass working people who worked for their fucking money came in did the job and was still happy with where they were even though they were just servers like everybody blows off like people who are servers dishwashers uh janitors like any sort of like you know quote-unquote behind the scene kind of like person not like big important people like doctors whatever um they kind of blow them off as like not real jobs but these people are making so much fucking money and having so much fun and i realized that is a possibility and it is a possibility on a path that i didn't even realize so like what other paths are there that i wasn't aware of does that make sense

and once that opened my eyes i kind of realized i need to stop surrounding myself with shitty miserable adults because a lot of them are shitty miserable adults i need to start surrounding myself with adults who are look forward to the future and have a good time although it is very important to have peers who are your own age i especially believe especially as somebody who has always been like the oldest um i always had like younger friends like a few years younger or whatever um i was always like the older sister type or whatever i realized it is also very important for me to have older people in my life that i enjoyed as well okay that i could look up to that i could go to for questions just as much as it was important for people for me to have

people my age okay you can't always rely on people your age to have the right fucking answers also but if you have somebody to look up to who gives you hope who gives you inspiration who gives you some sort of peace and knowing that you know the future isn't so scary you'll get it figured out um i don't know life becomes way more easier and way more enjoyable like way more also we've conditioned all of these young people to think that you die after 30 that you go through this whole growth and you better accomplish something at 25 because you die after 30 when in reality we have like 50 to 70 more years to live after that okay you've got a whole another lifetime past 30 you need to stop putting so much emphasis on 30 stop putting so much emphasis on

staying young on doing things when you're young on being young that is the media controlling and warping your mind okay i kind of had this realization recently too is because i felt like i wasn't accomplishing enough i'm 22 i was like i feel like i should have a fucking emmy or like i should be you know like i fucking should have a contract i don't know what the fuck i'm thinking but i don't know you know you always think you need to be doing more you could be doing more you could have accomplished more and then i realized the people who win oscars at like the big fucking award shows those people are always like always pushing 50 60 maybe 70 like they are older it takes time and years and work to achieve those big accomplishments so why am i

hindering myself and my success to just 30 when like 50 could be my oscar year 60 could be my Not that I want an Oscar with you, like metaphorically, whatever my Oscar is. Why am I limiting myself and my time so much when we have so much more time and effort and energy to put into things when we're older as well? Another thing, I moved out of my parents' house. And something that you see when your parents become empty nesters again is they kind of become people again. My parents had my brother nine years before me, so he graduated. graduated and then it was kind of like an only child situation for me for a little bit because he moved on to college and then I was just going through middle school and high school still under

my parents roof so they had like kind of a little bit longer time to go through to get their kids out of the house but once I moved out they became people again they didn't have to be parents you know what I mean and seeing them enjoy their life and go on vacations they just got a new puppy and they're redoing their house and they have things to look forward to and they've hobbies and activities seeing that has also like given me hope in a sense like seeing them like i don't know when i was younger i made my parents take me to new york when i was 16 for my 16th birthday and they were like okay well you're gonna be turning 16 and we're gonna be turning 50 and i was like nine when they told me this we made this contract and i was like nine um and i literally wrote down on

a piece of paper i was like this is a con i couldn't fucking spell or whatever it was no i couldn't write but it was like a messy ass contract that my parents would take me to new york at 16 and they were like oh yeah well you'll be 16 and we'll be 50 and at nine year old hannah they said 50 and i was like you're gonna be in wheelchairs like i'm gonna have to push you around new york in wheelchairs no no no they are like young ass people and they're pushing like late or mid to late 50s and they are still going having fun they go camping they live their best life and seeing my parents do that um has given me way more hope for the future as well um but the little things you don't need to worry about them the little things like financials and you know what

it's like to be an adult and like social security and all that shit and taxes you don't need to worry about that you'll figure it out as it comes take it small steps that can be in itself very overwhelming i realized as you grow you learn those things you don't need to push it you really don't you can just like take it one step at a time and those things will naturally come to you um don't worry don't sweat it but just have hope you know what i mean things will be okay things get better surprisingly who the fuck would have thought so i just thought things got worse um i have literally never been hotter and happier and healthier than i am now and i'm not planning on stopping i really have no plans of having that you know slow down like i don't plan on getting

uglier anytime soon i just assume my prime will quite honestly be 80 i've said this forever my prime is going to be me when i'm 80 and i have my own garden and i have all this time on my hands and I have like cats and I knit that is gonna be my fucking prime and I just watch fucking criminal minds all day that is gonna be my prime but for right now I just gotta work until then and I'm gonna figure it out and make every day the best I can and that is all you simply have to do as well enjoy today and tomorrow will be great I love you I think that's it for the podcast you guys i know isn't that crazy we can take one more bowl um before i go but i get on this podcast to record and i'm like oh i think i can do like only 30 minutes of audio today like how

the fuck am i gonna record 50 minutes to an hour and then i sit down i'm sorry i'm knocking this bowl out and then i sit down and i actually record and then i'm like holy shit i have two hours of audio recorded what the fuck and then i have to edit it down because two hours is just way too much um and most of the time i'm just rambling so i'm like i need to make sure i'm coherent um when i publish this but thank you guys for being here thank you for showing up um i get a lot of questions that are like what do you want to do with this podcast what do you want this podcast to become and at first i like really had no idea i was just starting this because it was a personal goal of mine to stop putting things off and stop being afraid of the future and stop assuming the

worst and you know have hope get creative whether like i started this i didn't really want any personal gain in it and i still really don't i just wanted to feel accomplished in a sense personally and i love that it's also like worked out for you guys as well like so many people have found a community through this podcast let's take a little drip hold on but at first i was like i don't know if i want this podcast to be hmm like oh just me talking all the time or like me answering like what like topics like i don't know how to do this and i love that this podcast has become like very much mine as it is so yours like i want this i didn't realize but i love the community and the sense of like

just safe space that we've built together i love that like we work together um you guys giving me questions and me answering them like i would not be here without you guys thank you so much for being here and being open and honest and willing to submit how you're feeling to me or be vulnerable in questions you're answering or not answering but like giving me because i love being vulnerable and honest back like i love having that mutual energy together um but i didn't really know what i wanted this podcast to become and then i was looking through old playboys the other week i was um i talked about this on my podcast but we're not on my podcast me on my podcast right now i'm just so stupid no i'm not i love you hannah me combating negative self-talk like we

talked about um but um i was like i want to start collecting vintage high times and playboy magazines i love looking through them especially when i'm high and like reading the articles they're so very interesting and kind of odd but i want like you know this to be a modern ask column you know what i mean ask you know the ask blank ask whoever you know those columns that people used to write into whenever they had questions and they would respond back and fucking writing and print that shit in a newspaper every day i love that they had an advice columnist in the um playboy magazine i was reading and i was like this is it this is what i meant for this is essentially what my podcast is it's basically just ask hannah like come submit anything you want and i will give you

my open and honest feedback back and to the best of my ability and my knowledge like genuinely like i don't ever want to lead you guys astray i want to be here as like an older sister a trustworthy one as well um who's just been through everything and hopefully my experiences can help you and make you feel a little bit less alone so thank you for being here thank you for showing up happy thursday i hope you guys have a wonderful weekend i have so much going on this weekend you guys can follow me on at hannah marlene to see what i'm up to like every day i always post about it um but if not i will see you guys next tuesday thank you so much for joining have a wonderful day listen everybody needs a fairy godmother you know someone to look out for them some people

call me their internet big sister others their fairy smoke mother you can call me hannah the new host of smoke sash so come hang out let's light up and talk everything there is to life some good the bad the ugly the embarrassing i've got a story for it all