Smoke Sesh - free yourself, cazymakers, shopping addictions & internalized misogyny

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

helloooo and happy Tuesday! WOW! I can't believe you guys sold out the collab in 24 hours!! if you want a restock please sign up for the restock notification, maybe we will see more fairies soon! with that being said we jump right into everything on your mind, we chat limerence, crazy makers, and letting go of people holding us back, finding love in the club, internalized misogyny and how I broke it, comparison kills, shopping addictions and holding yourself back, some inside influencer tea, match my freak, bringing out your partners inner freak, and unleashing your true self, hot topics! rocky waters for a TikTok influencer couple, envious of others, job experience, spring bucket list, finally affirmations, how to create them and a little homework for you all to kick off the week! thank you so much for all the love and support! if you want to see more from me join the patreon at patreon.com/smokeseshshawty for extra episodes and follow me on instagram hannahmarlene to see what im up to! stay sane stay sexy and ill see you soon! MUAH!

listen everybody needs a fairy godmother you know just somebody to look out for them some people call me their fairy smoke mother others their internet big sister but you can call me hannah the host of smoke sash so come hang out let's light up and talk everything there is to life the good the bad the ugly the embarrassing i've got a story for it all well hello hello hello welcome back to smoke sesh my name is hannah your host and i am so excited to be back with you all today wow what a week i just had that was insane insane you guys completely i mean i am always so shocked by just like the love and outreach that you guys have for me and i am so incredibly thankful for all of you guys

as you know i was kind of hyping up my little my bong drop and i mean of course i was hyped for it are you kidding me i have my own personal canna style x hannah marlene collab i never in my wildest dreams thought i would be able to do this um and they dropped on thursday and sold out in 24 hours what the hell what the hell you girlies pulled through oh my fucking god are you kidding me that is so insane because we they ordered a good amount you know they were like well we think you know this amount would be the right amount for you guys and it seemed to have been apparently too low i'm getting a ton of messages like please when are you bringing them back will there be a second drop nothing is a hundred percent for sure but i was talking to amanda the wonderful amazing

owner and creator of canna style and she said if you go to the listing shop canna style.com you scroll down you can see the fairy bong it says sold out but there there will be a email form and you can sign up to receive notifications on if it does get restocked and through that form however many people sign up if they're like you know what tons of girlies are spamming this sign up we will maybe bring it back so if you missed out on this drop and you still want it go sign up for email notifications i would love to get your hands on your own little fairy bong if you missed out i want all of my girlies well fed if they want to be taken care of best believe i'm going to be taking care of you but oh my god girls 24 fucking hours are you kidding me i thought i

was gonna have to be like on the streets with a sign flipping it around like please please get a fairy bong like i didn't know you guys were gonna pull through like that so thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you the love I felt this week has been so overwhelming in a way that like I've never really felt before and it had me a little unhinged that in combination with week two of the artist's way which week two is all about realizing who in your circle is just not supportive or recognizing your talents at all and I kind of had like a mini mental breakdown because i was like oh holy shit like there's some people in my life that i really really i want them to care for me i just don't think they have the capacity heartbreaking i don't think they have

the capacity to care for me but who gives a fuck when so many people do truly show up for me and love me and support me endlessly like it is like like i was brought to tears i have to read you this card my boyfriend got me he showed up at the end of his long ass like 12 hour shift post drop of my bongs he showed up with flowers with a bottle of champagne and with a card and the card said and you guys are gonna be like hannah this is so dumb and cheesy but like i don't know it really truly is the little things that mean so much to people the card said every accomplishment in life was once a dream as made up as a story as tangible as a sunbeam congratulations are in order for those people who take something that was just in a dream and ensure that it comes true

bitch i'm i'm sobbing right now like what the fuck what the actual fuck i am so so incredibly thankful to be able to live this life and have your guys's support and have this wonderful community that is just so full of like what i've truly been like searching for and wanting to create of just love and light and peace and support it is just such a breath of fresh air and i hope you guys are able to feel that every single time you click on the smoke sesh podcast i hope it truly does bring some sort of joy into your life some sort of break from the hardships just maybe a distraction if you need it maybe a friend if you need it maybe a sister if you need it you know what i mean that is truly all i've wanted to create since i was a little girl and

realized how lonely the world can truly be so endlessly thank you so much for just putting me in this position and you know giving me these opportunities it it is so fucking mind-blowing but wow ah the fairy bongs sold sold out bitch sold out please if you want them sign up for that email notification you deserve it also if you're listening to this on spotify you may have noticed i have started implementing ads but listen listen i have to get out of the restaurant industry and i talked to my spotify rep and she said hey girl if you just you know put a couple ads in there you will be making probably double what you make at your restaurant job as soon as i got that email i said okay we're gonna implement the ads because my thinking is listen i love your support

thank you endlessly if you don't want to hear the ads you can go to youtube easy peasy like quick little turnaround you know if you don't want to hear them you can go to youtube smoke sesh shoddy at smoke shoddy or just type in smoke sesh it'll be there but please if you're on spotify the ads i'm not implementing a lot they had this feature called like auto ads and it added 16 i said cut out all of those maybe put in two or three okay maybe two or three please listen through the ads listen all the way through the episode if you are able like if you are able to do that i think i'll be able to quit my restaurant job and i'll be able to then provide you double triple the amount of content like in my brain i'm thinking what am i passionate about restaurant job

hell fucking no you guys oh my god absolutely and there's nothing more i want in this life than to like create more for you guys and just like hang out more more episodes more vlogs more podcasts whatever it may be and if i have more time if i'm not working three four days a week with eight hour shifts every time i clock in i will have so much time to be able to sit here and create so for the small price of a couple ads here and there and i'm trying to be very smart about them where it's like i'm not overwhelming you guys like i hate when i fucking turn on a podcast or let alone a youtube video i know sometimes youtube like automates the ads or whatever without the creator's permission which i think is fucking stupid but i hate when it's like

okay i'm five minutes in ad another five minutes ad another two minutes ad like bitch i might i can't even pay attention like there's too many interruptions are you fucking kidding me so I am really whittling them down to just a couple but please please please if you want to keep supporting if you want me to create more content for you guys listen on Spotify and just persevere through the ads for me girl please I'm begging um so yes that was a fun little email to receive because if I could leave this restaurant job I think genuinely my heart will find peace it is it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be it's just like do you guys know when you get so burnt out on something you're just like wow it's like pulling teeth to have to get to do it I'm sure a lot of you guys

feel that way with your job so other than that yeah I've just been working a lot I was really sick and danger was sick danger update he is doing really well very healthy uh finally thank god I really prayed so hard for that and thank you for all the kind wishes from you guys it means genuinely so much there's no worse anxiety than like pet anxiety because at least with kids you know you can kind of conversate with pets it's like okay I'm psychically conversating with you to try and figure out what the fuck is going on like we're just guessing at this point and my anxiety was off the roof so I took a little bit of time off not that much time I just took like a day off throughout the week and I'm just picking up a little bit more shifts to help my girlies

out at the restaurant because I know they were picking up double time for me and that's just not fair so I'll give them a little break this time pay it forward overwork myself a little bit but ultimately save up for some trips I got going on save up for some summer planning same up save up for just a nice little savings account because god damn I dropped a couple bands on my cat for surgery but happy healthy feeling so inspired so loved so appreciative and wow oh my gosh this week has just been I've been working on this project for a year and so finally to like come full circle and complete it it just feels so cathartic and it really shows just how important it is to do those long-term projects I do a lot of short-term projects just my ADHD I'm like all right jump

into go mode let's get this done let's do it let's put it out there bam but I I've really been taught this time around how nice it is to have a process that's kind of slow taking our time going over the details of everything and how important it is and how important some sometimes those long-term goals are even though you want to rush through them and achieve them so fast and just get to the end sometimes it truly is all about that process so yeah this was an amazing learning opportunity thank you guys so much for giving me this opportunity thank you canna style for wanting to partner with me what the fuck like how lucky am i and yes if you missed out on the drop do not worry if you want to maybe see more fairy bongs maybe in different colors who knows who knows who

knows sign up for that email notification i even had to order myself the pink one i'm like hello i gotta have both are you kidding me and then i ordered my friend one because she's in austin texas and she's like my my smoking buddy since college like we met and immediately bonded over like holy shit wow that tea break to pass the drug test to get into nursing school was crazy right i had to order her one directly to her door like i had to show the girlies some love please when you get them in post it if you can post it tag me i want to see you cuties oh my gosh also uploaded yesterday was a cooking video this is like one of my go-to easy peasy pasta recipes if you are a lazy cooker like I am and you just love something really cheesy and yummy I uploaded a spicy

burrata pasta technically it's spicy vodka pasta except for I just didn't have vodka so I don't feel like I should call it a vodka pasta but just like a spicy red sauce pasta with burrata oh my god it was so fucking good so go give that a little watch a little like and try it out if you feel inclined but with that being said my cutie little girls i think that's all we have to catch up on and you guys i know have a lot on your minds let's waste no more time and get right into everything you guys have going on oh god someone said help i'm stuck in limerence all the girlies the girlies the girlies are stuck in limerence every single video i see on tiktok limerence limerence limerence every single video essay on youtube limerence limerence limerence you guys

will take a term and run with it but also like is it true for sure in the age of the situationship i think a lot of you guys are stuck in limerence if you guys don't know what limerence is limerence is a term coined by psychologist dorothy tinov describes the state of intense involuntary and often one-sided romantic infatuation characterized by an obsessive longing for another person and a focus on their potential reciprocation of feelings so starting this week i'm i've been uploading kind of like my journey on the artist's way on patreon and week two like at the beginning of the book it gives you this big long warning like going through this journey will probably cause you to have a couple if not a handful if not a long-term mental breakdown just a heads up

don't give up like keep following your dreams keep following yourself and I was like what what the fuck are they talking about like what are they talking about it's just art like your artist process causing a mental breakdown what do you mean and then I started doing it and week one was like all fun and cutesy kind of working on a little bit of shadow work and then week two was working on shadow work but also like paying attention to the people around you and what you're distracting yourself with and people who are placing limited beliefs on you people who are distracting you they call them crazy makers i think we call a lot of people narcissists she describes these people as crazy makers and these crazy makers are people who are

so self-infatuated and so focused on them and so focused on their narrative and what they want going on and their schedule and their time and them them them them that it's so easy for people who you know are creatives are healers are just overall kind caring attentive people they get so swept up in the fucking crazy makers and it's almost a tool where you're kind of just throwing yourself under the bus because you don't want to pay attention to your own problems it's really easy to get swept up in someone else's craziness and someone else's life and someone else's drama you know what i mean but to actually sit down and focus on your own shit your own drama the things that are holding you back now that's hard and i think a lot of this limerence is people just

ultimately running away from themselves distracting themselves with boys with lovers with people who don't reciprocate feelings trying to figure out why am i the problem why are they the problem why don't they like me blah blah blah instead of actually sitting down and like doing what actually calls to them to their heart to their mind to their body to their soul okay i'm done with the distractions we don't have time for distractions you're wasting years of your life if you're in a year-long situation ship you're wasting years of your life running away from things that can truly help you grow change develop succeed with what a man who can't even make you come who has one pair of sheets who washes them once a month who drinks monster

and cigarettes and could not care if you lived or died girl what what what what what limerence it's a weakness it is getting involved with these crazy makers getting so distracted that you forget about your own life you're running away from yourself it's almost like self-sabotage in that sort of way and i need you guys if you're gonna do anything please you need to be focused on you selfishness I think is an important learned skill in your early 20s we kind of go from this phase when we're younger where it's like all right appease the teachers okay appease the parents you know appease the grades appease the soccer team do the best we can focus on expectations on goals on tasks and that even carries through college in that sort of way where we do receive

a little bit more of a sense of independence but it's still very rigorously structured where you're still having that appeasement of tests quizzes grades peers peer reviews peer group studies anything like that it's a lot of appeasement and then all of a sudden they push you out into the real world and it's hard not to get swept up in that desire for approval that desire for appeasement when it's not naturally structured in front of you so you kind of start aimlessly wandering searching for it wherever you can and i think the easiest place to find it is in romantic partners random romantic partners and these crazy makers just because you feel infatuated by it does not mean it's a good thing does not mean you should place any emphasis on it does not mean you have

to pay attention to it a lot of this life has choice and a lot of these choices i think you should really take your time to think through and ask yourself like is this helping me is this making me a better person is this actually fulfilling me because i think if you sat down and ask yourself those things about the people around you or the lovers you have or maybe the people you feel limerence about all of those questions are going to be answered with a no you're gonna realize wow where the fuck am I and I know this because I've been there I know this because I had an awakening two years into a relationship where I basically jumped out of my own body out of my own skin looked around at me and the hellhole I was in and the mustiness

and the grossness and someone else's life and i just went like oh oh what the fuck is going on like literally i just woke up out of a bad trip all of a sudden regained consciousness and i decided wow i haven't been living for myself for years now and as soon as you feel that you gotta give in to the desire to change to better yourself to get the fuck out of there I think it's important when you have those desires, when you have that drive to fuel it immediately, to spark that passion and to push yourself into a better place. If you feel it and you ignore it, you're ignoring your intuition. You're ignoring the truth ultimately. And we got to stop ignoring what's real, what's in front of us. We got to stop giving into those lovers

that want nothing to do with us. We got to stop self-sabotaging. Please, for the love of God, get selfish get real and quit it with the crazy makers i'm tired speaking of i told you about how i played jazz 24 7 in my house my spotify rap is gonna be fucked up but cue the perfect song playing in the background it's best friends right by amy winehouse who a ballad for my limerence girlies a ballad for my girlies stuck in the situation ship went clubbing for the first time with bestie the men are animals true you will not find love in that club you will you will not find love in that club the grossest dirtiest craziest men are in clubs trust if you think you meet a man at a club at a bar at whatever and he's going to fall in love with you please

best believe he's there every wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday doing the same thing with another girl and that's what's kind of beautiful about the club like if you understand the club rules which is I'm entering this realm to get like sloshed and party and have a good time and flirt and do my little crazy girl thing and then leave and pretend like none of it happened you're gonna have a fantastic time but if you're showing up to the club to find love to put a ring on your finger you are gonna be greatly greatly disappointed have you ever struggled with internalized misogyny if yes then how did you address it um yes definitely i think if you're a woman you'd be lying if you say you didn't deal with internalized misogyny because i think the way

society is set up it's very much so like pit women against each other so then they're so caught up with their own problems that they kind of get stuck in this cycle and i hate it i hate it i hate that shit um i wasn't necessarily like taught it from a direct source like i didn't have a misogynistic mom i didn't have like you know misogynistic people in my sphere i just think it was like societally picked up here and there like think about it when you're young and you pick up a teen vogue catalog any sort of magazine it's like who wore it better here's five women in the same outfit now judge them all and pick which one is the best and I feel like we're so conditioned to think that's like normal behavior when in reality that's psycho and we would never do that

to a man you know and so I think I grew up and most of the internalized misogyny that I think most people deal with is just like the sense of competition within each other with women I had to break free from the thought process of like women are competition very early on because I realized how much it was hindering me and how much I spent most of my time ruminating on oh my god but I'm not like her am I like her is she like me blah blah blah oh my god am I doing it right blah blah blah instead of just living expressing being women are not put in this earth to be competition with one another and I don't think I really had this within any friendships like I didn't have any of this serious like life-changing moments where I realized like wow I'm truly

like feeling such a side or sense of misogyny towards another person I think it was very subconscious and for an overthinker anxiety-ridden girly like me it got really overwhelming especially as I entered my adulthood era where people had a little bit more of a personality towards them we had a little bit more individuality I think it's very easy to compare ourselves naturally no matter who you are in our early 20s because everybody is doing everything so very differently everybody's growing at different paces everybody has different backgrounds different learned behaviors and somebody's already doing always doing it quote-unquote better than you if you think about it always there's always somebody out there doing it better or doing something that you

would enjoy doing and so that competition factor is always present and I feel like I leaned into the competition factor in a way to kind of like grow myself and I thought like oh well if I you know pitted myself against this person or you know if I try to do these things in order to become like this person then it would help me grow but in fact I think it made me just like very stagnant and I felt very off in who I am as a person I felt very disconnected with like who I was as a woman individually and once I realized that I kind of realized that when um I was talking to my boyfriend and he was like this is so dumb this is so dumb but like this literally where my brain goes he's like oh yeah I love Kali Uchis and I love Kali Uchis but as soon as he said that for some reason

it triggered some weird part of my brain to be like well now I hate her because I'm nothing like her and I stopped myself in that moment and I was like wait a minute that's like kind of fucked up that that's the first thought I had when I had been listening to her for seven eight plus years all of a sudden it flips because a man says that he likes her like duh she's an angel she's gorgeous she's ethereal she puts out amazing music who wouldn't fucking like her why is my first instinct immediately to be like oh competition pit against each other i'm nothing like her i'm so different so how could he ever like me that's psycho that's psycho and i think little thoughts like that are very much so where that internalized misogyny comes in so if you can heal that competition

aspect or even like I did in that moment stop myself from going down the rabbit hole further it really helps it really helps with feeling secure in yourself secure in your relationships secure with other women now that I've taken the time to really combat those feelings as they came work through those emotions as they were forced upon me or as I was feeling them I don't really have any sort of like competition aspect left inside of me i truly do see women are just like i mean can we give it up for the women can we give it up for the women they are so incredibly first of all i have never seen an ugly woman i've seen an ugly personality i have never seen an ugly woman they are gorgeous they are ethereal we are portals to be able to create human life

like so insane hard working against all adversity truly want betterment not only for themselves but other people like women are magical and amazing and truly I want nothing but to support every single woman out there period but I got there from realizing that just because you're different from me doesn't take away from who I am and it doesn't take away from who they are something that is so incredibly important about being human beings and kind of why i'm against the whole not against you can do whatever you want but like i have a problem with the aesthetics of the plastic surgery industry is that they're all changing into becoming the same person when i think what makes humans so beautiful and unique is that there is no two people on this earth that are exactly

exactly alike. I mean, you could take two twins that look exactly like same DNA, same fucking womb, same embryo, if you think about it, and you could still tell them apart. They still have something different about themselves. I think that is what makes humans so beautiful and wonderful and magical and unique, how different we all are. That differentness is important. And just because someone looks different from you doesn't take away from who you are as an individual a real practice I had to take especially when it comes to maybe comparison of bodies is oh she has great boobs fantastic triple d's love it wish I could have those but also I can appreciate for what that is without taking it away from myself I can appreciate who she is without putting that

self-doubt or that negativity on me saying oh well you don't have those so you're not worthy it's like no i got great tits period they're not those but they're still great okay scales are balanced especially in this like pro anna age where we're seeing a resurgence of all this like skinny talk skinny skinny skinny girl shut the fuck up like please we do not need to be focusing on our bodies as much i think like what happened to the women's liberation of truly just accepting who we are and finding peace in how we were born I think that is so beautiful and wonderful and amazing and yeah something that you'll start to realize throughout this life is we got a lot of work to do there's a lot of like internalized things that we don't know where it came from or

we don't know how we learned it but it's our responsibility to deal with to unlearn to process and to work through and yeah sorry it sucks but do you want to be a miserable awful person for the rest of your life no no if you're listening to this podcast i know you fucking are but yeah break that competition narrative in your mind you are who you are and you're wonderful they are who they are and they're wonderful and show some appreciation for the girls like hello tips for managing my shopping addiction struggling bad to save up okay so i actually this month really combated my shopping addiction and I was doing so so good until I had a small breakdown and my small breakdowns back in the day used to be like I'm gonna buy $500 worth of clothes that's crazy

of me luckily now I'm slightly more healed where I was like okay I've been looking at this one thing for months now so I'm gonna pull the trigger on it and I went out to eat two times more than I usually do in a week in my brain that's fucking insane but looking back i can see how much i've grown but the way i was able to really combat this shopping addiction is by you have to like restrain yourself you got to put blocks in place like you know when you're training a dog and sometimes you have to use like a muzzle because you know they're gonna like lash out sometimes you gotta muzzle yourself in that sort of way um so things like deleting your card off your phone okay apple pay bane of my existence you know how easy it is to double tap that button and have it

purchased immediately yeah no purchasing something online should not be that easy and it's that easy for a reason they want you to spend your money so i'm gonna need you to delete that i'm gonna need you to delete that now immediately asap if you cannot physically get up walk to your wallet pull your card out of your wallet type in the numbers type in the security code type in the date type in your name type in your shipping address type in your billing address if you can't do all of those steps you don't want that thing you don't actually want it and you're about to waste so much fucking money so deleting the cards off your phone if you memorized a card which is kind of insane go get a new one new numbers break that habit immediately babe okay

any subscriptions you have delete them you need to delete all the subscriptions i canceled amazon wow this is my first first month without an amazon subscription in four or five years i didn't realize how much random shit i did not need i was buying on amazon do you know how much random crap I was spending money on because I was like oh no it's seven dollars I need it like no I totally need this organization tool no I totally need this new thing no I totally I totally need it I need it I need it no you do not a big rule I had this month was if I can't physically get up leave my house and go get it if you're able to if I can't go to the store and purchase the thing then i don't actually want it if i'm not willing to go out and have the excursion to actually

take the time to travel to the store to go get it then i don't want it now i know for accessibility reasons like getting things delivered to your front door is amazing but if i'm physically capable of leaving my house i need to be doing that more often i need to go to the bookstore and buy my books instead of doing it on amazon i need to go to home goods and get the new ladle that I need and if I can't if I don't want to do it then I probably don't fucking need the thing and I realized wow Amazon was eating up so much of my money because I had the subscription so I felt inclined and it was fast shipping blah blah blah you know what's faster than fast shipping leaving your house and getting it yeah eating out door dash once again if you can't get up and go

get it then it's not worth it I had a huge door dash problem because I just love being comfy and cozy in my house 24 7 i mean what's better than that honestly um and yeah we don't need to be spending that much money on doordash you know doordash implements a 20 extra fee on everything i worked in a restaurant so i know this everything on doordash is 20 more it's priced 20 more so you might as well just order it online and go and pick it up and then you're also not having to do the the tax the dashing fee the then tip oh my god you're wasting probably like 15 to 20 extra dollars on each one of those purchases that you do so i cut out all door dashing pretty much and i think that's really all i did but it made a huge huge major huge difference in my life so

no amazon no direct to door shipping okay please just go buy the things if you can no door dashing all right go pick up your food you're paying so much extra money for what to be lazy it's not worth it go outside i promise you'll you'll be fine i'll take five extra minutes you'll be okay delete the damn card off your fucking phone please if you cannot get up and get it and put the numbers in it's not worth it they're making it easy for a reason not for your convenience for their convenience you got to set these barriers in place have goals and if you slip up big problem the shopping addiction is people will accidentally slip up sometimes and then they'll just spiral they'll be like oh well i spent a little bit of money i broke my budget so

now i'm gonna spend all of my fucking money and dig the hole deeper no no no no no it's okay to have slip ups in life it's okay to be like well went a little overboard there but the key is to catch yourself, okay? Forgive yourself. Stay on the right track. Especially in this economy, like shit. If the one thing you're gonna do right now that's gonna be smart, it's be smart about your money. Please, for the love of God. I guess speaking of money, someone asked how do all these influencers have all this money to travel and afford these expensive designer things? So I might have some insight for you guys. Now, I don't necessarily consider myself an influencer because in my opinion influencers are doing like brand deal brand deal brand deal like they're living

for the brand deals and I think those people genuinely are making a bag like I think if you are seeing every single post it's a brand deal they're making they're making a bag usually like if they're brand safe brand friendly they're just like a hot girl living online me smoking weed not brand friendly hot girl online usually brand friendly they're usually making a bag off of their sponsorships now not as big of a bag as you might be thinking because i had this weird realization when i love a collab always like if i'm going somewhere and i'm gonna post about it and i'm gonna share it with you guys you know i'm gonna reach out to that group or that company or that place maybe it's like an airbnb um specifically the situation i'm talking about i was traveling

to la and there was this airbnb that was like gorgina gorgina and i was about to book it and then i kind of like saw some like influencery pictures in the slideshow i was like i wonder if they are doing maybe like collabs and they're like well if influencers stay here and then they talk about it and post the link then maybe they are getting like a discount so like you know what fuck it what do i have to lose let me message the person i was like hey you know really thinking about staying at your place it's gorgeous it's beautiful like Beverly Hills pool overlooking the hills amazing gorgeous like villa style I was like I'm I'm really thinking about staying here I didn't know if you like did collaborations or partnered with anybody like influencer wise to

promote your Airbnb and the guy responds it goes nobody do OF collabs so if you come and be in my OF content then you can stay here for free I had the biggest realization then and there because I had seen so many influencers stay at this Airbnb that I was like oh my god oh my god a lot more people are sex workers than you may think and no hate no shame unfortunately that is not an industry i have dipped my toe in i am not brave enough but shout out to the girlies who are but i had a moment where i was like oh my god these girlies are just trading puss for these villas and you know what good for them like shit they be living the life they be living that life for sure but they're also doing things that physically i'm like i'm i'm good on and also

like now i definitely don't want to stay at your airbnb when you're like um i want to hook up with you like a safety issue but yeah if you're wondering like how the fuck are these people like randomly affording these things genuinely i think there's a lot more sex work happening in the whole lifestyle influencer industry than you might think and you know what girls a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do you know what i mean unfortunately i am just not that girl the struggle when the person you love everything about doesn't match your freak sexually oh my god is somebody gonna match my freak okay i think sex is very important in a relationship and i think a good sexual sexual dynamic is important and i think if it's good it's good but it can always be freakier

period period and there's always here's the thing in every single relationship there's always one person who's like a little bit freakier than the other there's always one person who has a little bit of a higher sex drive so if you find yourself in that situation I don't think it's abnormal I think this is something that a lot of couples go through especially when just like generally with life and going through different things especially like me as a woman my sex drive can really ebb and flow depending on like where I am in my cycle and I could be freak swinging from the ceilings like doing backflips on that dick or I'm like don't even fucking look at me so like it can ebb and flow truly and I do think most relationships it's like there's always going to be that that one

person who's a little bit freakier and honestly I kind of think that's a good thing now sure it might make you feel a little less unfulfilled because you're like well we're only doing missionary once a week but I do think you then have the skill to be able to bring the inner freak out of the other person if you feel that confidence you feel that desire and like don't be pushy if obviously your sexual needs and desires are aligning that's a different thing but if you're in a healthy relationship and you know maybe one person's just a little bit more reserved or not out there as the other the other person can really bring that out in the other in their partner the other person could really be like hey babe i got this super fun toy for us to try or like have you

seen this or like they can initiate more often things like that my boyfriend does this for me for sure like i said my sex drive ebbs and flows but he is always like after me he's always like you know do you wanna should we like would love to fuck you right now period and honestly in those moments i'm like you know what you're right i was not thinking about sex at this moment but you're right we we do need to fuck right now right now you are so right babe thank you for bringing it up and sometimes you do just really need that reminder so if you feel like there's too much pressure on you i get that but i do think you have the innate skill and ability to maybe bring that inner freak that inner demon out in your partner and i think that's lovely and that's what love is

truly about but also like if you feel like your needs aren't being met like if you're not coming ever ever ever ever that's a conversation that needs to be had definitely and involve some toys get something fun play around a little bit invest in foreplay but I do think what's really nice about being in a secure relationship is when you do have those like kind of differences in whatever aspect it might be what's really beautiful about having like a committed loving partner is that you can learn a lot through each other you know I didn't realize I was such a freak until I met my Scorpio boyfriend and then I was like oh I'll try that oh I'll do that sure never thought of that one and I think that's beautiful speaking of letting your freak flag fly I think it's so

important to unleash your inner freak especially if you're somebody who doesn't let their freak out often I used to be the kind of party girl who it's like repress repress repress do all the things right do all the things right and then I would go and I would let myself be fucking batshit insane like balls to the wall and obviously I was not making good decisions or healthy decisions but like I almost repressed myself so much to the point where I had to go out and do all these crazy things and then I realized I can just be a freak every day and in fact I think it's way healthier to be that way than have those like two to three nights a month where you just like binge and go crazy and then just like ruin your life like it's okay we're all little freaks we're all little

freaks we're all little you know we all have our little secrets we all have our little kinks we all have our little things that make us tick and I'm not even just speaking in a sexual way like I'm talking freaks like I feel like freak was such a term where I was like oh you freak but it's really just people who are just being themselves and it's like well no shame in that at all and in fact like oh you freak wish I was you honestly I think a lot of people are not letting their individuality out I think a lot of people are utilizing like substances and alcohol and partying to let their freak flag fly when you don't need any of those things you can just be wild and young and free in your every single day life and feel completely fulfilled and also feel a little bit

more human a little bit more self a little bit more individualized through it um and yeah like i said if you feel like you know oh you you don't explore in the bedroom as often and you know you have that deep down girl get in there go crazy let that freak flag fly enjoy have a good time i mean sex is about pleasure isn't it and if you're not getting full pleasure then girl what the hell are you doing same thing out of life if you're not getting full pleasure out of life what the hell are we doing i mean i understand you can't give up all your responsibilities and run away and all these crazy things like we gotta wake up we gotta clock in we gotta pay rent bills things like that oh boring why are you bringing that up that doesn't mean you have to hinder yourself

completely that doesn't mean you have to stop living life stop doing fun things stop being a crazy girl stop wearing fun things to the office stop making those fun lunches stop having that fun end of day routine you know stop being yourself stop making people laugh stop having a personality my favorite people on this planet are some of the biggest fucking freaks and it's because i admire their commitment to themselves I admire that they don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks in a good way not in a ruining the vibe way they just know who they are and they're comfortable in it and ultimately that's all they need in life they don't need anybody else to accept them they don't need society to accept them they've already accepted themselves and yeah they are

the biggest freaks but also like jealous low-key kind of jealous about that okay so every week now I kind of want to do a hot topics where it's like what's the drama what's the tea what's going on not me becoming a drama podcast but like I had someone on the patreon ask like what podcasts I listen to and I don't listen to a lot of podcasts but I realize the overwhelming theme of the ones I do listen to they're always just talking about random internet drama so I figured let's bring up some random internet drama and perfect for a podcast like ours let's talk about my girl Sarah kim are you guys caught up with the sarah kim drama she is a korean lifestyle influencer i would say lifestyle yeah definitely lifestyle maybe cooking the videos i've seen of hers

throughout the years have always been like cooking with her mom or just cooking at home making snacks making things like that and i've always been like wow wholesome gorgeous amazing talented we love and then and then clips started coming out of her and her husband sitting on a couch together my biggest fear sitting on a couch together holding podcast mics talking about the hardships of their relationship now listen I'll sit here alone and talk about the hardships of my relationship never ever ever will you see my boyfriend on here holding a mic I just physically it like makes me recoil when I see a couple sitting on a couch together holding mics talking about the problems in their relationship like baby you did not have to set up a camera to talk about these things

and that's where my first red flag comes up where it's like she is they are talking about like very deep serious problems that they're having in their relationship and you can see her get very vulnerable and he gets very quiet and it gives off this feeling where i don't think she felt safe or comfortable talking about these things about this these things in their relationship unless the camera was on as in like maybe he doesn't hear her out maybe he doesn't see the problems that she is seeing or listens to her unless it's for a facade for the internet that is terrifying that is so so so scary that is very scary and i don't want to come on here and shit on another person's relationship like i said we don't know we don't know what's truly

happening but here are some other you know red flags that i may be seeing i saw a day in the video where it was her pregnant getting up at 5 a.m to get ready for work to drive an hour to a train station to take an hour-long train ride to her job to then work eight hours to then come home with that long commute to cook dinner meanwhile her husband is at home working no playing video games yes and then i heard about a story she was telling where they had first moved into their new house which i mean if he has no money i'm assuming is her house and he set up his gaming system in their bedroom and she had to go to bed to you know go to work the next morning and she's like you know what first night in of course he wants to break in his new console he wants to break in

his new video game set up maybe he'll just be up to like 11 no no no she was up all night with him because he he was up till 6 7 a.m to the point where she had to leave the bedroom because it was so bright and so loud to go sleep on the couch okay away from him and he came out still gaming 7 a.m oh my god babe how long have you been out here and then cherry on top there's so many different things there's so many other things you can bring up but the another one that pissed me off is he is a preacher pastor and he was giving a sermon complaining about her making fun of him in front of a group of people not mentioning her as his wife mentioning her as the person in his house oh please i am so glad i broke the generational curse

of getting pregnant young and being forced into marriage and then not realizing who maybe you have married and then being trapped because i am a big fan of dating for so so so long to the point where you are so integrated as a couple before even putting a ring on my finger like dating I feel secure you know there's no need for a ring I feel secure of course I'd like one hello hello but after being in a couple relationships and now being in this one even four or five years later you don't realize how much people grow and change and develop or don't develop until you've actually spent real long lasting time with them and I am seeing a girl I am seeing a a mirror reflection of a girl I used to be who was in a relationship thinking oh this will change oh this will change

oh no I know he's a good person I know he'll change I know something will something will happen he'll change it'll change and it doesn't and it doesn't and it doesn't and it doesn't and it doesn't and it doesn't and that is terrifying especially being pregnant and especially having a ring on your finger and no way out so at least if you're just dating a person you could be like we're done I'm breaking up okay you nothing has changed you've been the same person for eight years while I have gone through eight consecutive different lives side by side with you but wow that was some drama I went down I had half a gummy and I went on a whole rabbit hole about this drama i watched the whole entire podcast and i was like oh wow you know it's a cry for help when

they are sitting down simultaneously on a couch both holding mics and she's crying and he's like barely touching her leg oh it was kind of cringy it was kind of cringy and you guys are like bring your boyfriend on bring your boyfriend on bitch it wouldn't be like that i'll tell you that but he would be sitting next to me high as hell no thoughts going on our dynamic i'm over speaking over sharing constantly and he's just like high as hell nodding his head like yes babe yeah yeah babe you're so right and that's what i love but that was crazy please if you see yourself in her free yourself immediately oh and it breaks my heart because i like there's just so much content like there's so many different red flags you can see through their content

which is kind of the curse and also the blessing of being a lifestyle style influencer is like you're posting everything okay the clues the details are there but there's this one specific video where they're doing like the the baby reveal to the parents and they're doing the baby reveal to her parents and her parents are like a lot of her content is like her dad doting on her mom and how good her dad treats her mom and you can see them open this box and it's like little baby shoes little baby onesie and the dad is like like you can see that his eyes twitching you can see him being like what the actual fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck but like in his he's like trying to control his face muscles to maybe put on the look of happiness but he like physically

can't do so oh my god oh it's crazy it's crazy anyways hot take here i think her content would make great single mother content stamp of approval leave him someone said i have to write an essay on my favorite podcast for a lecture class doing you babe illy baddie oh my goodness doing me i hope you get an a period proud of you there's nothing more scary than public speaking you're like girl you literally upload an hour and a half episode every single week plus an extra one on patreon plus you just ramble everywhere like what the fuck do you mean i don't know it's something about like i can get up here and ramble on whatever's on my brain like sure fuck it but when it's like serious and I have to remember facts and like read things and memorize a 10

page essay in front of people there's nothing scarier because like the pressure is pressuring you know what I mean but I know you're gonna do amazing because you have me by your side love you how do I stop feeling envious of other people having money and not having to work in college well you're with your life experience and also your work experience your time getting a job is going to be way way easier um because I think a lot of these rich kids think like oh you know I don't have to work you know I don't have to work through college I don't have to build up a resume I'll just get my degree and then I'll go get a job and that's not how the job market works the job market wants to see some history and if the only history you have on your resume is really just

like well I did four years in school they're like great but you've never worked in a workplace as a co-worker as an individual who understands the dynamic of a workplace you know we had someone literally apply at a restaurant who was in med school to work in the back to be a line cook and they denied him just because you're overqualified doesn't mean you're qualified for the job does that make sense because you've never had a job before you're also like have never worked with food have never worked in the service industry i think a lot of these rich people who have money and have never actually worked in the service industry think oh well that's an easy job i can just go get it no babe no babe experience is kind of everything so yeah it sucks to have

to work a job through college it's super hard it's super time consuming it's super draining but also i do think it's setting you up for success and it's giving you leverage that other people don't have spring and summer bucket list ideas okay i don't have summer yet because mentally i'm not there but spring spring bucket list ideas a i need to get something i need to get my hands in some dirt all right i need to go plant herbs you can anybody here can plant herbs okay go get a fully grown herb plant put it in a pot boom done i have a pepper plant sitting over here that survived from last summer and it's starting to fruit again are you kidding me get a pot get some seeds get some water get some dirt put your hands in the dirt it is good for you i promise also

great for your skin fantastic so I need to do some planting and I need to do some things like that I love a good closet purge I think it's really important to kind of try on all of your old clothes your body changes every single year I know shocker who would have thought like hello duh I don't know why I'm so surprised every single year that it happens but trying on all your clothes seeing what you actually do like what was old trends old styles that you don't fit into anymore what are clothes just you don't fit into anymore getting rid of them I don't care where donate depop get them out of your house all right if you hold on to them you're just going to feel stagnant stuck and I think it's really refreshing and nice to have like a closet full of clothes that

anything you reach for you feel secure in wearing I think that's very important to having just a good sense of style I know we talked about spring cleaning but also cleaning okay I think spiritually it's really important to kind of garner new energy in your home especially with the new vibes i love opening all of my doors and my windows letting in all that fresh air on a nice day and then deep cleaning my entire fucking house i'm talking vacuuming the ceilings okay mopping the walls dusting in crevices that i have never dusted before i didn't realize how much i love cleaning and how much i get my mom turning on her little youtube concert dvd at 6 a.m on a sunday and deep cleaning the house until i hit 25 once my prefrontal cortex developed i was like

we're cleaning for eight hours like i get you girl and i cannot wait to do that to my own child except for it won't be you two and it will be kali uchi's top hits and you know what you're welcome for that you're welcome for having good taste future baby i love just a girl's day on a patio especially with the nice weather going to a local restaurant getting a bottle of wine specifically the place i'm thinking about is capini's in kansas city i love that place getting like a bowl of pasta or a good garden salad and some cheesy garlic bread and a bottle of wine and sitting on a patio in the sunshine with your girls what is better than that that is top 10 life experiences for sure so that's on my spring bucket list i want to go to more farmers

markets especially this season with um just more seasonal vegetables being out at this time the owner of my restaurant actually has a farm and he starts his farmer's markets mid-april so we do have some time before they're in full swing but my mom finally found a local egg dealer in kansas city who shows up at the local farmer's market so i'm hoping next week to get to that and maybe get some eggs because listen i would rather buy locally it's the same exact price then going to you know an Aldi and buying those bleached white eggs for $7.99 oh insane overall just like sitting on my front porch or being outside more often I finally catified my front porch with some chicken wire so I'm not terrified of him just like crawling through the railings

because knowing him even though he is massive he's a massive fat cat love him endlessly I know he would be able to squeeze his little body through those things so I was able to catify it and of course never leave him out there alone but I want to just like sit on my front porch and read and spend time out there on the days that allow it also I just want to like go to the park more often and go on little walks when me and my boyfriend do have time off which is pretty rare for him not for me but like when we do have coinciding time off I really enjoy like waking up in the morning and getting a coffee with him and then just going on a quick walk around the park it's so nice it's so refreshing it's a great way to start the day and just like bring in the

new season with like joy speaking of reading on my front porch you need to go to more local bookstores i learned this year actually this year girl yesterday this year bitch that the only thing standing in between amazon becoming the number one bookstore which is terrifying is barnes and noble i remember when barnes and noble used to be evil do you remember that anyways learning that i'm like oh my god i need to go to barnes and noble more often and get my books from there i need to go to half price books more often and get my books from there i need to go to the local bookstore wherever it is in kansas city and go get my books from there go support local and stop supporting evil insane companies especially a store like half price books there's books there

that you can find that honestly are like out of print and are barely available on ebay i found some really amazing astrology books at half price books i've found some amazing playboys and vintage magazines which is art books just really amazing things that i love to flip through and find inspiration in so and also i want to do some pottery whether it's air dried clay at home or just going to the local pottery studio and making some cute little ceramic mugs or really cute ceramic plates to eat off of or use in my cooking videos it's a big goal of mine as well also as i go through the artist's way journey i'm learning a lot and i'm doing a lot of homework a lot of homework so i figured and like i'm doing like 10 pieces of homework a week so i figured i could get

on here and share like one thing that really has changed or really impacted me in a big way and hopefully then i can inspire you guys to do this as well we kind of do this on the patreon every week if you want to join the patreon we do sunday spirit every week which every sunday i just implement or provide one tool to really elevate your spirit whether it's you know oh full moon's going on let's here's a ritual for you all seasonal ritual money ritual spells things like that maybe it's homework such as like journal prompts um meditation tools but yesterday it was creating affirmations I use a lot of affirmations in my daily life and I think a lot of like what DP DBT is that I went through is simply just like affirmations and learning how to control your

thoughts and turn those negative beliefs into affirmations a lot of the affirmations I use in my daily life are really just tools to transform the way that I think about myself and stop implementing self-limiting beliefs um i think a lot of our inner critic really jumps out you know oh you can't do that thing oh everybody's thinking negatively about you oh everybody's judging you right now blah blah blah blah blah girl shut up we gotta quiet that voice and the best way to do that is through affirmations so the way that i come up with my affirmations is your homework for the week write down five self-limiting beliefs that you have right now and if you don't have five congratulations write down three three to five things okay self-limiting beliefs you know

things that maybe you've been ruminating on oh he doesn't love me oh i'm not capable of being loved oh you know i'm so stressed about work whatever those self-limiting beliefs are write those things down and then turn those things into a positive it's gonna be hard nobody said it was gonna be easy nobody said it was easy okay girl sorry flip that bitch okay my examples were i'm too scared to do the presentation i'm so brave for completing hard things i'll never be good at this thing i am capable of learning and improving my emotions are too much i can feel all of my feelings everyone has it out for me i can do i can choose who i trust there's too much going on i'm so lucky to have choices I'm a bad person I can initiate growth and change and so on and so on this is

such an important practice to get in touch and do a little shadow work while also working through those inner critic thoughts to break three of negative thinking if you need a little homework I highly recommend writing down these five things and then turning them into positive things it truly feels like a weight lifted off your chest and I think we all deserve a little bit of this going into this week am I right ladies am I right but with that being said if you want extra content for me every single week come join the patreon we have so much fun over there patreon.com smoke shawty if you missed out on the drop the bong drop please go to shop canistyle.com go scroll to the fairy listing at the bottom of the page sign up for the email reminders if enough

people sign up by friday they might possibly bring it back if not then you guys have a rare piece on your hands and i'm so genuinely thankful for all of you being so supportive and for just enjoying this collection as much as i did i'm just like wow my heart is so fulfilled and joyful from this and i hope you guys enjoy smoking out of your little fairies oh and also like i'm not shipping these things if you know a piece comes broken don't worry um they will be able to get you a new one in the mail but you do need to contact canna style for those things and their team is amazing they will get back to you so incredibly quickly um but yes unfortunately i am not able to do any like back end work for you you do need to contact that company directly but like damn

they're quick i ordered the pink one for myself and it was like next day in the mail on the way to you like holy shit okay those girls work quick fantastic company love them and they will respond asap if there's anything that happens to be wrong with your order um but yes spotify listeners i love you guys so much please free me from the shackles of the service industry so i can create more amazing episodes for you guys vlogs coming soon maybe live streams who knows but if i have that time freed up just from you guys listening to a couple ads every episode then wow it truly will you know transform my life and give me more time to provide for you guys because ultimately honestly it's my favorite thing in the world to spend time with you but love you all so much

Stay sane, stay sexy, and I'll see you all so soon.