Smoke Sesh - gay, mentally ill, birthday celebrations & manifesting love

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Happy Tuesday Hotties! So excited to be back for another episode of Smoke Sesh, we have a LOT to chat about this episode including what I was up to over my fairy birthday weekend, and turning 25 (birthday existentialism). Of course my birthday falls on the first day of pride so it's time to celebrate! We talk coming out, labels, bisexuality and finding yourself, how to stay sane during a busy summer, insecure partners, going out outfits, why do losers flock to you? getting kinky over the phone, smoking and living with your parents, when did I start smoking? and my weed journey, mentally ill and life long illnesses, how to approach men, female friends and staying sane, release rituals, manifesting a man, b day highlights and birthday presents, going insane, how to get through self limiting beliefs, bad trips, life update for the next week and much much much much more! I had so much fun with you all on this beautiful Tuesday and I can't wait to chat again next week! If you want to see more from me follow me on instagram @hannahmarlene and join the patreon club patreon.com/smokeseshshawty for more content and exclusive podcasts! Stay sexy and have a safe weekend, MUAH!

listen everybody needs a fairy godmother you know just somebody to look out for them some people call me their fairy smoke mother others their internet big sister but you can call me hannah the host of smoke sash so come hang out let's light up and talk everything there is to life the good the bad the ugly the embarrassing i've got a story for it all hello hotties of the world welcome back to another beautiful amazing wonderful sexy episode of smoke sesh my name is hannah your host of the sesh and i am officially 25 oh my god can you guys believe it honestly i can't i didn't think i was gonna live this long if we're being real I had one of the most magical incredible birthday weekends of my entire life

I've always had a pretty good birthday I mean I'm a June 1st baby like hello it's the start of pride it's the start of summer it's finally warming up it's usually always sunny and nice and beautiful like my birthdays are usually pretty good not super existential because I'm usually doing something fun I try and make sure I'm doing something fun so that I'm not just like suffering in my own mind of existentialism so I always like to try and plan something I've been to LA used to go to like our lake house when I was a kid and just celebrate there with a couple of friends I was in Mexico last year for my birthday and this year all I wanted was to live my little fairy girl dreams and be outside swimming in crystal clear rivers in a log cabin by a fireplace

smoking weed in the mountains and that is exactly what happened i have to give a quick shout out to my boyfriend because oh my god he is the sweetest fucking human being on this planet if your boyfriend's one sole goal as a partner is not to make your life easier then they are not the person for you they are not the person for you too many men have inconvenienced me in my life you know what I needed a man who was like no I just want to make sure that like you're rested you're relaxed princess era as you should be I'll handle the rest and he definitely handled it it was so great the first day of the weekend the day we were supposed to be leaving it was actually thunderstorming so I was a little I was a little like maybe it's gonna rain my whole birthday for

the first time ever in my entire life and I'm not gonna be able to do anything but of course the weather pulled through it was about like a four hour drive if you guys don't know um a few of you guys a few of you guys guessed where I was going um we ended up in Eureka Springs Arkansas I don't know for some reason it is just like the most beautiful little tiny mountain city um and it's a perfect kind of like small city in the middle of nowhere where there's still good food shopping things like that but you can still escape into the forest if need be um so we went to eureka springs for my birthday we rented this cute little off-grid cabin um first day we got there we drove through all the thunderstorms made it to the cabin found out the cabin has a ginormous bathtub in the

living room i'm talking jacuzzi style in the middle of this log cabin overlooking like the mountain looking outside giant beautiful windows so i said that's what we're doing that's what we're doing first day we got there they had like epsom salts and like cute little candles you let some candles we took a nice bubble bath to celebrate the first day and to kind of relax after spending four hours four and a half hours in the car got our freak on a somebody gonna match my freak and then we ended up just kind of chilling laying around that first day just relaxing vacation mode we had been go go go that whole morning and i knew the next day was my birthday so i knew we were gonna be just like insanely busy because that's how i like to live

life you know no time to stop and sit like let's go experience so we just took that day to really rest relax bubble bath it up smoke a little bit what more could a girl ask for woke up on my birthday my boyfriend surprised me with coffee we got some coffee we um he got me some beautiful gifts uh everything that i asked for the only things i asked for for my birthday a for my parents i asked for a suitcase because the older you get the more you realize like oh no i need like functional adult things and one of those things is a suitcase so i asked my parents for that we'll see if i get it i celebrate with them tomorrow um and then from him i asked for like a really nice journal that i could journal in um i realized i i used to journal a lot and i really

haven't and that's one of my biggest goals for 25 is to kind of be more present in the moment and really slow my brain down slow my words down and focus on just like intentionality and a great way to do that is with a journal um i love typing my notes apps whatever but that's more for like brain dumps i want to be like intentional about my like gratitude journaling and really just documenting my times and my days so he got me this beautiful like fuchsia pink leather like beautiful Italian notebook oh my god gorgeous and then he got me some witchy stuff um he got me a couple things that I could add to my altar because he knows I'm a witchy girl at heart and then um what else oh he got me a little sunny angel a little cute little sunny angel it was the fruit series I did

polish strawberry thankful for that so fucking cute um and then i we got up i got some cute little dress on and we went into town and we did some shopping eureka springs has some really good shopping so we just went in there we went crazy uh he really wanted to buy me another like opal ring while we were there exploring because they have a ton of crystal stores and as i stated every single time i go traveling i always look for local crystal stores to source like rings and jewelry and things like that so he got me a beautiful opal ring um and then he got matching opal earrings for himself because talk about man at pixie dream girl when we first met like within the first week i pierced his ears because i just have this habit of being like no

men will never forget me because i'm gonna modify their bodies in some sort of way crazy crazy anyways he got some earrings he bought me a cute little ring oh nail cam hey meg love you these are my birthday nails slash kind of pride nails hold on i don't know if you can tell on the camera um if you want to see a close-up go to nails by meg so on instagram um but they're the cute little rainbow butterfly nails very y2k with the chunky white french tip i thought i was going in there and I was gonna get something like red gingham you know like cunt tree um anyways left with these very happy with these the perfect birthday nails I got so many compliments throughout the weekend um and then we had a beautiful lunch we ended up having like a really large fresh salad

fresh chicken um beautiful sandwich mimosas pomegranate mimosas oh my god what else could a girl ask for are you kidding me um i stopped at another different witchy store and i bought some new tarot cards it's a beautiful morning of just like wearing my cute little sundress in the sun doing some little shopping having my boyfriend carry my bags for me you know eating a fresh some fresh veggies and a pomegranate mimosa oh amazing are you kidding me beautiful day the sunshine finally came out mid-afternoon so we were like let's go swimming we had everything pack to go to like the river or wherever like little swimming hole that we could find i didn't realize this swimming hole was gonna be like in the middle of nowhere i was like

whole time we were driving there dirt road not dirt gravel rocky half flooded from the rain um i thought we were gonna get murdered i thought we were in the wrong area i thought something was wrong we were on this dirt road for like 25 minutes my boyfriend was looking at me like girl it hello is apple maps correct are we gonna actually end up at a river because everything we were seeing was just like fields and cows and trees like hello where is the river where is the lake where is the fresh water we're driving we're driving we're driving we turn a corner all of a sudden it is this beautiful rocky crystal clear bright blue lake there's hundreds of people there were like oh thank god thank god we made it let's get our fucking bikinis on let's go

swimming so we spent the day just like floating in this crystal clear water enjoying the sunshine soaking in all the nature sounds finally away from the city away from the cars racing each other down my street every single day every single moment of every day actually there's always something going on um just like the quiet the birds chirping oh gotta rest and relax in this kind of cold but still really beautiful lake that was just oh my god it was ether real it was ether real girls be like i know a spot and then take you to heaven on earth literally so we did that and then I was like okay time to pack things up I really wanted to go to this hotel this haunted hotel for like rooftop drinks I'd been there before with my parents it used to be an insane

asylum I was like you know what on brand for my 24th birthday been there um so let's go let's have some like cocktails on the roof and then we'll go get dinner wherever is open whatever I'm craving um so we were like okay let's get in the car let's get going we get in the car we start driving my boyfriend goes oh no oh no what do you mean oh no what do you mean oh no I don't like oh no's I don't like the sound of that he goes I have a flat tire keep in mind 25 minutes of gravel road gravel road on a flat tire not good not good recipe for disaster not great not good he was like okay I have enough air in my tire we're just gonna blast it up out of here get out we're gonna go to the nearest gas station and we're just gonna i'm gonna fill it up i'm gonna check on it whatever

i was like okay king he's got a plan you know what i'm just gonna passenger princess myself here and you know what sometimes it's not worth worrying over mind your own business choose peace always so i chose peace and we made it out we made it to the gas station tires flat as hell flat flat flat flat stanley babe hello broken busted bruised i was like oh no oh no because hello the sun is setting i'm trying to get to this hotel for sunset pictures and we have like an hour and we have to go home change shower get ready birthday makeup it up get to the hotel we have an hour and we have a flat tire most of the men i've dated in the past would have been like freaking out cursing yelling i can't change a fucking tire blah blah

get you a man who can change a tire get you a man who owns tools get you a problem solver because when i tell you this man hiked up this car took the tire off looked to me and said give me five minutes patched up the tire fixed it aired up the tire and the spare tested the spare good to go got that back up but the tires fixed put it back on got moving got home got dressed he got me to that hotel for the last 45 minutes of sunset got me up there taking my pictures no complaints bought me wine round of fucking applause are you kidding me because that could have turned into a disaster a disaster please choose your partners well because he had one thing on his mind and it was making me happy and he said I have no choice patch the fucking tire get it off get it back on

let's roll let's go he is so sweet to me I had him on his knees taking pictures of me in front of all these like old people on top of this like random hotel and you know I'm just minding my own business I get it people like to stare and I don't blame them I am something fun to stare at so I really just don't take it personally I'm like whatever they can look they can look whatever and this grandma walks up to us and i'm like oh no i can't pick up on the vibes what's the vibe she goes you guys are so cute you look so beautiful in your dress you're gorgeous shout out to him for taking your pictures i love what's going on right here i was like my heart my heart i love when you're thinking like oh no something's going the wrong way and the universe is like nope

no ma'am let me remind you everything is good and you're hot and sexy this lady came up to us she was just throwing compliments at us like you i love your energy you're such a cute couple like i love that he's just down to take pictures of you over and over and over again until he gets the shot i have him trained very well um but that was so sweet and we had a couple glasses of wine and then ended up at this like local spot i don't know and i got me a little chicken parm on i got me a little french 75 and oh my god it was a fantastic fantastic fantastic birthday weekend we ended up at the gas station just buying like gas station ice cream and smoking a joint on the porch and i did some watercolors the airbnb had watercolors for us like oh my god it was fantastic

then on the way home we just like bought subway sandwiches and we ended up going to another different like river spa and hung out for like four hours and finally made it home last night but wow how grateful am I I did not think I was gonna make it this far at all in fact I had no plan past 16 so if you ever find yourself sitting there wondering like does it get better will it it better is it worth it should I stick around yes yes yes yes yes I am living testimony I did not have any hope or future plans or ideas for myself and yet I still turned this life into something that is so beautiful and incredible and that I am thankful for every fucking moment and I never thought I'd have this perspective I never thought I would be able to handle my depression

or work with it or my slew of fucking mental illnesses I thought they were going to control me for the rest of my life and I was going to be a prisoner to my own mind but there is hope for us all you can create a beautiful life out of what you have you just have to have the dedication to yourself and the drive to seek love and light in every step that you take it's never the easiest choice it isn't but hard work will pay off I promise you and this birthday really proved to me that it was like you know what this life will be a good life because it's my life and I'm choosing to make it one I am choosing to live my life how I want to live how I want to experience it I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks about me I don't give a fuck what society thinks I don't care

about any outside perspective other than how I feel in this present moment and the greatness I want to create out of life so I am so lucky for every single one of you listening and hearing this and showing up for me and all the sweet birthday messages and I'm so thankful for my family and the world around me and for the sunshine and for the beautiful nature because I really was just living some of the best days of my life this past weekend and thinking back to like 16 year old Hannah who didn't have any hope and wanted nothing more than to be gone if I could go back and tell her one thing it was just hold on do your best hold on goodness is coming I promise you you just must you have to stay strong by yourself so I love you all happy birthday to

me it was such a great one I am so lucky for every single moment that I get to live on this life and cheers to many many more years of smoke sesh of hanging out with you and I can't wait to see what this next year brings for us all but that's all I have to catch you guys up on once again thank you so much for all the sweet birthday wishes I woke up that morning and I already had like 15 dms from you guys being like happy birthday happy birthday I was like I haven't even posted anything you guys are so sweet you already know um so yeah it was beautiful I'm so forever grateful for every second I get to spend on this earth let's make it a fucking good one because honestly we have no choice but to you know what I mean but with that being said that's all I have to catch you guys up

on the fact that my birthday falls on the beginning of pride it's like come on now obviously vibes are in the air we're feeling good we're feeling spirited and this um city we went to this little town we went to was very pride oriented like many drag bars rainbow stairs many rainbow murals many rainbow flags so that was nice to get into the festivities of it all um and there were a bunch of people in town to help celebrate and things so that was super exciting but love you love all my gays out there thank you for being endlessly supporting of me literally the only audience i want is gays and women that's it please for the love of god that is my target demographic those are my favorite people every time i see a straight man like weirdly giving out odd vibes i block them

immediately I think I do not want you here you are not welcome um but yeah happy pride happy bisexual awareness month no I'm kidding but yeah I don't know a lot of you guys were asking like I think I'm bisexual I think I'm gay I think I'm whatever but like how do I figure it out and I feel like for me my uh understanding of my sexuality has always been pretty solid of course you have that moment of questioning um where you're like but am i but am i girl why are you watching people scissor for eight hours when you're like 13 you're gay you're somewhere on that spectrum and it is a spectrum everybody's on that fucking spectrum i don't believe well i do believe in like a hundred percent straight but it's like i feel like it's more rare to be like

a hundred percent straight than it is to be on the spectrum so just allow yourself to be on the spectrum if you want to do you know what I mean having that kind of idea in mind really helped me understand my sexuality and be like no it is a spectrum and I'm gonna lean and I'm gonna you know be somewhere definitely not a hundred percent but somewhere in the middle perhaps um and it might ebb and flow but I'm just gonna let myself be there and I'm gonna accept that and I'm gonna try not to put a label on it and just let myself experience life that way and I feel like you're having a really hard time accepting your sexuality just letting yourself be on the spectrum somewhere and experience life that way and understand that like actually no it's more rare to be 100%

straight so girl just go out and feel and enjoy um try new things I feel like that is a great way to a great mindset to really help help allow yourself be yourself and step into your true self as well um my mom thought i was gay like most of my life she clocked me she knew it um but i just like wasn't interested in love at all because i had way too much going on in my brain in high school i was focusing on being alive not finding love let's be real uh so she thought like i was gay and i just like wasn't you know interested in men at all like all my proms my dances never had a date really I was always just like going with my gay best friends in like a big group so she just started wearing rainbow shirts around the house and it was like we love

you no matter what like all the rainbow shirts she could find and she never really had like a conversation with me like we love you if you are gay or straight she just started wearing rainbow shirts around the house and we love an ally like thank you mom true you right um I am somewhere in there but then I started bringing home more men and she was like oh oh oh did not clock it correctly but still we love an ally um that was so funny to experience growing up because I'm like where do these fucking rainbow shirts come from I think she just wanted to let me know that like I was accepted no matter what so very precious love that for her um but yeah it was nice to have the kind of parents who I knew like wouldn't really give a fuck that I also didn't really

have to say anything to or like come out it's just like a they're gemini's they get it like it's it's a spectrum we ebb and flow somewhere in there um so having that kind of stability in my life is really nice because I didn't feel like I needed to pinpoint who I was I didn't need to have like a grasp on who I was I just allowed myself to be on that spectrum and to experience life in whatever way I wanted to and I feel like that's a great way to really just get into discovering who you are maybe discovering where your sexuality lies so if you don't fully understand who you are or like what label you would be that's okay don't worry about putting a label on yourself labels are boring labels change they wear off it just confines you into a small little box that's

kind of harder to feel comfortable in than if you just allow yourself to just be an experience in whatever experiences you want to be in so allow yourself to be free this June allow yourself to enjoy and love and live and share that love in whatever ways you want to if there are people in your life that are not accepting of who you are it is not your job on this planet to prove to them that you're worth being accepted of it is your job to find the family that is accepting of you no matter what and sometimes that's your chosen family sometimes that's the family you're born with either way please understand that there are people out here who are going to love you fully for who you are always sometimes it takes a little searching but don't try and prove yourself

to a person who doesn't want to understand you or doesn't have the energy to understand you because you're going to be constantly chasing that validation and who that is a nasty cycle to get into but anyways happy pride take a shot for me um i won't be at pride like the parade this year in kansas city because i will be on my girls trip i leave friday i'm so excited um but please go out enjoy be safe use protection and live laugh love speaking of pride someone said do i need to tell my boyfriend i think i'm bisexual do i have to tell anyone i feel like i'm lying i don't think you have to tell anybody like girl figure it out in yourself also like if you're attracted to women it's okay to have a boyfriend you know your attraction is

there whether you have experience or not um it's like hello pussy wet that has meaning literally like hello but i think it's okay to tell your boyfriend um just so maybe they're more aware but i don't think you necessarily need to like come out you know um if you want to fine fantastic amazing but I think people put so much pressure on this idea of like a label and being seen as this label when like it's okay to just like be yourself and find peace and comfort in that without having to try and convince other people of what you want to be just be who you are and find peace in that always too many summer plans how to find a balance between work fun and relaxation listen we're just gonna be busy we're just gonna be busy and try and take time to

yourself when you can but i love a busy summer i love a busy summer i love a like wake up get ready maybe take five minutes to scroll drink my coffee go to work fucking 10 hours fly by at work you're like holy shit get some food go home take a quick little smoke break quick little food break get ready again go back out go enjoy go have fun I think if you want to be busy and still interact with people but maybe you need more of a relaxation experience just like have a little girls night at home have a little movie night do something inside rather than outside if you do need a break from all that but you don't want to have any FOMO and you still want to like have friends over you can do relaxing things together but also like prioritize peace in those small moments that you

can like your little morning coffee break or your afternoon lunch or maybe like in between the end of your shift and like dinner slash going out time take time to like take a long shower um make sure you're taking care of yourself you're getting fed and hydrated it's not a hot girl summer if you're dehydrated you're gonna pass out on the street we don't want that for you um but honestly this summer is just gonna be really busy for all of us and that's okay I think busy is fun but don't burn yourself out on busy you know hi fairy smoke mother um okay so i finally broke up with my boyfriend took your advice wasn't in love with him you get the the vibes um i think i might be a lesbian i don't know but like i wasn't super into like having sex with him like the the last

couple i don't know for how long like i was like into it but like not like not like super i don't know i don't know anything life is so confusing um anyways i'm just i'm really excited to move to colorado but right now i am staying with my parents in tulsa for the month of june and i'm so lonely because i not the cut off girl love you please don't be lonely we need to get you to pride asap when's tulsa pride i need you to show up i need you to go need you to go experience um yeah sex with straight men sometimes fantastic if they're troubled i've found the dick is better and then sometimes just uh you know but girl you're free you're single sure you might live with your parents right now but who cares fuck it it's the

summer everybody's living with their parents right now let's be real go out to pride go have fun go make out with a girl go discover yourself that's what it's a hot girl summer it's a hot girl discovery summer and that's exactly what you need to be doing um don't feel lonely i understand like how after a breakup it feels like you kind of like lose a piece of yourself but in fact you're just making space to add more interest and add more discovery and add more understanding of yourself um so there is not like a hole you need to fill with another person perhaps but there is a hole you need to fill with experience and entertaining and enjoying and discovering who you are in relation to the world so love you go out go kiss a girl for me live laugh love always

how to comfort an insecure partner you don't you don't if they're insecure that's something they have to handle and deal with inside themselves you being there and stable and you being there for like questions or for slight comforting if they need some reassurance sure but like babe i can't provide you reassurance if you're not reassuring yourself like that sounds like a you problem i've dealt with insecure partners where it's like holy shit why does this feel like a jail also why do why am i comforting you when i did nothing wrong sometimes you just gotta let people deal with their own fucking problems and let them try and find peace on their own we can't coddle people into being better people they unfortunately have to do that work on their own um but i have

found in previous experiences that coddling an insecure partner is just going to strengthen those bar cells of your relationship when in reality you need to break free and the only way to freedom is them healing themselves and it's okay to be like you're acting crazy what you're saying is not based in reality I unfortunately cannot help you with that because anything I say is not going to make your life better the only thing that's going to make your life better is you solving that problem on your own. Anyways here's a little quote that I think might help you in this troubling time. I live my whole life in guilt because I thought I was responsible for people's feelings. Newly realizing that other people are responsible for their feelings and

reactions even if they make it seem like I'm the problem. A lot of the time it really has to do with them and their own emotional regulation. I can't keep thinking I'm not allowed to have space because of other people's insecurities. Like I literally refuse to dim myself. Other people are responsible for their feelings just as I'm responsible for mine period go-to going outfits my go-to going outfit is like a cute little sundress and some boots maybe some kitten heels or a mini skirt a cute tank top maybe bedazzled tank top and boots or kitten heels boots or kitten heels are usually my go-to dress or a mini skirt maybe throw some boy shorts on underneath if you're afraid of flashing people and yeah I went like my titties looking good always always

all right someone said why is it only ever losers who like me how can I stop it I'm too good for these guys yeah obviously when you're hot and sexy and beautiful and wonderful losers are going to flock to you because they don't think they have any chance but you know what losers have they have gumption okay do you know what gumption is it means they don't give a fuck they're gonna shoot their shot because maybe she'll say yes they know they're a loser but maybe maybe they'll say yes don't say yes don't you're gonna get more losers surrounding you as a hot girl than you are as like a i don't believe in loser girls but do you know what i mean like they're going to flock to you because they know they have no shot so they might as well just go for it they got gumption do not

say yes do not think one of them might be special stay strong to your roots and stay strong to what you believe in but don't let them get on your nerves honestly there's no way to scare losers off in fact trying to scare losers off i think just makes them more attracted to you so i just ignore block i'm not interested phone sex how i'm nervous i don't know i don't do phone sex because I did too much of it at like 13 when I was getting groomed online and that's on not giving your kids unrestricted access on the internet like hello why is your three-year-old playing roblox hmm I'm judging you anyways I don't do it because of the trauma but it can be fun for sure I like to do it over text message if I'm going to do it like I'm thinking about being away from

my boyfriend for like 10 days and I'm like in a shared hotel room you can't really do phone sex because my friends are going to be like bitch get we are ending we're breaking your phone if we hear you do that so it'll probably be over text messages and it'll probably just be with like fun little spicy photos because that's all I feel comfortable doing only do what you feel comfortable doing if you were ever talking to a guy he's like but I need a titty pic please I'm gonna die if I don't get one how desperate is he loser status do not send that picture unless you're like in love in love and it's like a fun little flirty thing and you want to then sure go for it but like i'm not gonna be on facetime djing for a man not even my own boyfriend that is way too much that is way too

close i'm not interested sure i'll send you a cute little pic every once in a while maybe a little spicy naughty text like can't wait to see you wink wink um but i'm not good with the whole like that sort of thing i'm not good with on the spot improv that's why i don't do that so i don't know do whatever feels comfortable to you if you want to get like crazy and freaky on facetime go for it but i'm more of a here's a cute picture you know a picture's worth a thousand words no have fun someone said moving back in with my parents how do i hide my bud will not get a car illy i've taught you well i love a cart but also it's just gonna skyrocket your tolerance the carts are usually not the healthiest on your lungs they are the easiest to hide so i do understand that

but when i was living with my parents i would have my bud i would have my bowl and either a i had my window that I would open up and I would smoke out of after they went to bed and then I would leave the window cracked and I would leave the bowl outside of the window all night and then once I woke up I just shut the window remember to take it out of that vicinity though because one time I left it there and my mom sent me a photo and it was just my bowl on the open window because I forgot to close it and she was like why the fuck is her window open and then there was a bowl there and she was like oh oh there's nothing scarier than your parents just sending you a picture of like your paraphernalia with no words just just a picture and you're like I'm not coming home

I will not be coming home thank you thank you for the warning um so remember to hide and stash away but my favorite way to do it uh was just like loading a little bowl or rolling myself a little joint and then being like I'm gonna go on a summer nighttime walk around the neighborhood I'm gonna go facetime my friend and go on a walk around the neighborhood what your parents are gonna say no to you taking a healthy well-deserved walk they're gonna say no to you talking to your friend on the phone on facetime somewhere privately that was my go-to way um and pipes are always gonna smell so make sure you get a smell proof bag i love dime bags they always smell they are always smell proof um but i also love a joint because then you can just like toss it and

get rid of it um and not have a smelly pipe on you but i was like desperately crawling out my window at 2 a.m sometimes just smoking a bowl and crawling right back inside oh living with your parents it really makes you become so resourceful so creative um i'm in my car so if it sounds like really bad sorry um i've been listening to your podcast literally since you started it um i watch you on tiktok you are literally like someone that i look up to so much so like thank you for that um my question is how do you deal with like a lifelong diagnosis of yours i've had anxiety since i was like a little kid um but i got diagnosed with it in high school and now i'm almost 22 um and sometimes it's just hard to like feel like i have a normal

brain um because I have to take meds and stuff like that and I have to have so much more control over myself and all that stuff so if you have any tips for like anxiety just dealing with it even though you've had it your entire life um yeah I love you so much thank you so with my slew of lifelong friends in here um i really had to make peace with the fact that it is lifelong this is something i'm going to carry with me for the rest of my life but it does get easier with time you do understand yourself more it gets more manageable i view it as having like this friend okay i have a friend her name is bpd and you know sometimes the friendship's gonna be rocky and you're gonna have to work a little bit harder to maintain it and

sometimes the friendship is gonna be easy going perfect no problems and i think viewing it like that has really helped me come to a peace of understanding of living with this and not feeling like like my life is controlled by it i am hannah i am not my disease or my mental illness um that is a part of me of course and it's a part of me that i will carry with me forever it probably makes me a little more interesting than others let's be real uh not that you need one let's not start a trend on that but it is going to make me a little bit more different um it's going to make life a little bit more different for me and how I manage it but it is manageable and in fact I think like especially with my mental health and having to work a little bit harder on it than

others it has brought a resounding understanding of who I am to myself that I think a lot of like normal people don't have because they never have to do that internal work they never actually have to look inside or like work through their thoughts or process their thoughts um because they've never had a reason to um so there are positives to it i promise you you are not a victim of your mental illness it is just something that you maybe have to work with a little bit more and we all have our quirks we all have different things that are going to be lifelong companions of ours so i think the best thing for you can really be just like finding peace and understanding that you're going to know yourself a little bit better than other people um also maybe it's going to make life a

little bit more difficult for you in certain instances but that doesn't necessarily mean that your life is unlivable like trust me look at me you've been here girl you're you're you ain't new here you know how it is um there's gonna be ups and downs for every single person in this life we all just have our own different battles and we all gotta fight them the best we can so please keep fighting your battle but also don't succumb to your mental illness your mental illness is not you okay you are you but don't define your life based on your mental health speaking of someone said when did you start smoking weed what has that journey looked like so far um it's had its ups and its downs and it's you know round and arounds but i started

you know what i started kind of later in life i'm gonna say my age and you're gonna be like girl that's not later probably like 15 i want to say before 16 definitely like 15 16 sophomore year high school something like that yes sophomore year high school started drinking like eighth grade so i was a little nervous about weed i was a little scared of weed i didn't want to like trip balls and anyways i started smoking sophomore year high school i started smoking the first time out of a gb don't recommend that shit had me fucked up i also love my parents because i called them and i was high as hell and i was like i'm not coming home it's not safe for me and they were like no questions asked thanks for telling us stay where you are vibes amazing anyways started

smoking then and then every weekend essentially would just be me and my friends just like smoking and running around to different house parties and yeah girls sleep over every weekend and we would always just go out and say we're getting ice cream well we did get ice cream but it was after we smoked a couple bowls for sure and blasted some music um and that continued until college and then freshman year of college it spiraled out of control because I just completely had the world open to me I was like oh I can smoke whenever whenever all the time if I wanted to yeah and that's exactly what I did I distinctly remember going in to take a quiz and I forgot that we had a test or a quiz and i literally left shit empty on a college exam left shit empty me and my friend

looked at each other we were like yeah we bombed the fuck out of it i didn't even study she studied she still bombed the fuck out of it so we went into the hallway or like the alleyway right outside the science um building and we just smoked a bowl like in in the alleyway like we were like we bombed that test so hard we need to smoke right here right now um that was my blunt phase I did lose my scholarships I did almost lose my privileges to go to that school and to go to nursing school because my weed dependency got really really really out of control um in a unhealthy way where it was like um the consumption was just out of this world I was also dating a dealer at the time which definitely didn't help because I was eating brownies and I was making brownies and he always

had weed on him and he was always high as hell and that was not healthy for me that was not a good relationship for me when I needed to be focusing on school and maybe like consuming every once in a while in a healthy manner so my whole life almost got taken out from under me and I said okay we need to change things up so sophomore year of college sophomore year nursing school college I went to Creighton University um I was like okay no more weed no more weed if I do smoke it'll be very rare it'll be like maybe on a Friday night if I get all my studying done guess what I went from a 2.5 GPA to 4.0 highest grades in all of the nursing school I was doing so well but then I realized like I fucking hate nursing and I'm depressed and my friends are

mean to me and i don't like this college i don't like the catholic vibe and anyways so i dropped out of college um i wasn't smoking weed at the time but then i moved back home and i started smoking a little bit more this is the time when i um when i started smoking like the pipe out of the window i was probably like what 20 no no i was probably 19 um moved back home and i went to art school art school you can smoke weed and do your work so then my consumption was pretty like leveled out um that's when the molly usage started spiraling out of control so that was a whole different ball great ball game of something that i needed to figure out um anyways my weed usage has been up and down and up and down i remember i think um sophomore year of college i took about

a year and a half off from smoking and then a couple years later i took about a year off again um i think it's really important to think about your usage and ask yourself am i doing this in a healthy way am i doing this compulsively do i need to be high to function or is this just like a fun little glass of wine at the end of the day kind of situation um because it can get out of control it can get very addicting it can be a bad habit to pick up as much as there are positives positive positive positives i like to reiterate that there are negatives because people hate to talk about the negatives of weed but there are them there there are negatives to weed especially to any sort of drug there's negatives to everything so if you feel like your usage is getting out of

control you have the strength to kind of step back and stop I promise it's not going to kill you it's not going to be super hard to get off of I didn't have the hardest time like taking breaks because I had something else that I prioritized instead and if that's yourself or maybe your schoolwork maybe your family those are things that are more important than weed so do so step away if you need to but yeah I started pretty young I regret starting young I would like to say that i wish i would have waited until at least college um because i smoked so much in high school that i felt so comfortable with it that i felt comfortable kind of going overboard in college um i think usually in college people go overboard with the drinking mine was the the drug use so

it's okay to relax it's okay to chill it's okay to be weed free if you need to be no one's going to judge you if they do judge you they're weirdos and freaks and like hello it's not that fucking big of a deal like what so yeah that's kind of been my weed usage over the years um right now it's pretty chill i'd like to say i maybe smoke a bowl in the afternoon or evening um and then if i have it i do dabs at night um or like maybe a little edible but it's not as often as it used to be which was morning bowl 11 a.m bowl 12 o'clock bowl 2 p.m bowl 3 p.m bowl that was a lot that was a lot i was probably smoking like an eighth a day wild don't recommend my brain is swiss cheese not good for you but it's okay to reevaluate your relationships all the time and

try and make sure every relationship in your life is being taken care of and maintained how do i initiate sex with my boyfriend i'm embarrassed to ask him to f me illy yeah i think it's weird to just be like hey can you f me i just i find it weird asking that but like men are easy all you have to do is just like start making out with him and touching up on him he'll get the vibes he will understand what needs to happen sometimes men just wait for like and like as they should they should be doing this but I think a lot of times men wait for women because it's like consent like I want her to to want to do this so I'm just gonna wait for her to approach me so don't be afraid to approach men like if you want if you want dick it's they're men are very easy they're very easy

creatures like as soon as you start making out with them they're like let's go let's get into it okay and if they're not into it cool fine whatever don't take it personally um but yeah I say literally just start making out with them it's that easy feeling threatened by my boyfriend's female friends is so gross but i don't know how to stop feeling this way um i feel that i've had a boyfriend in the past who had a lot of female friends he was also fucking the female friends so my uh concern was valid but i think like there's a difference between shady female friends and then like men just having female friends men should be able to have female friends men should be able to look at women without being sexually attracted to them that is very healthy but also that healthiness

should be viewed and seen you know you should be able to understand that there shouldn't be any weird mixed signals cross lines secret hush hush meetings that's when it's sketchy that's when it's like oh no you don't have a female friend you just have a fuck buddy on the side it's okay to have female friends but also i think if you're like worried about it just be like hey update me let me know when you're there maybe you can meet the girl whatever um but i think it should also be like your boyfriend's actions should make you feel calmed about the situation and should make you feel comfortable about the situation um because there shouldn't be any weird mixed signals there's weird mixed signals it's okay to look into it because I was like oh you know maybe not

maybe not and then it was like oh no she's blowing him when I'm not there and I was like oh okay okay I I might know my business a little too hard there when I should have been like researching but he gave me a lot of concerns i think men should also be able to have women female friends but also like there shouldn't be any concerns there he shouldn't be doing anything concerning it's okay to also like be a little bit weary of that but also like i said in the beginning with the insecure boyfriend sometimes our emotions are ours to handle and ours to control and understand and unpack hey hannah i'm so ill right now i might have covid i'm too weak to test but literally my fever will not go down unless i have tylenol in my system

took some more waiting for it to um kick in but i'm listening to your old podcast for comfort and yeah i love you and please send me healing vibes because homegirl needs it right now okay bye i love you oh you poor thing i love you i'm so sorry you're going through that but i'm glad i can keep you company along the way maybe provide you a little peace of mind but you need water you need much more tylenol maybe much more ibuprofen to keep that fever down we're gonna need some gatorade preferably the blue one that's my favorite maybe some crackers if you can keep them down but i've found especially like after having covid and stuff or just like being sick in general having fun little drinks around you to just slowly sip on to make sure you're staying

hydrated and also kind of chill yourself out is so nice and my favorite way to kind of self-heal the best you can especially while you're sick um also maybe perhaps some pho i know you have a fever so maybe not but after i get sick and i'm like slowly on the come up my favorite thing to do for myself to heal internally is with food specifically with pho so hopefully that helps love you i heard burning is best for letting stuff go but do you use it to manifest stuff into your life too um i personally don't use burning to manifest things into my life unless it's a candle i love candle work um you can use like different colored candles to represent different kinds of manifestations you can write on the candles what you're trying to manifest

and burn them while you're meditating on that um i love candle work in that sort of sense but i think for a majority of it fire means cleansing fire means purification breaking plates can mean purification um so yeah personally i burn like paper or you can write on bay leaves your manifestations and burn those um it's all about intentionality though and what you're going for i think there is a way to use burning for manifestation for sure candles bay leaves things of the such someone said did you manifest your boyfriend if not how did you meet um we kind of met because he dm'd me literally it was a pandemic summer and i had just gotten out of relationships so had he both of our relationships previously were pretty traumatic um and i was out

living my best hot girl life and i posted a picture on my instagram story and it was me hungover actually with these same exact space buns in in a winsteads which is like a little diner with a can of pedialyte in my hand flipping off the camera a mess a mess a mess and you know what he dm'd me you know what he responded to that picture not the hot sexy photos i had posted previously no that one picture me looking a hot mess and he said you're cute let's hang out man it really is that simple think outside the box okay but also i was young and i was living a free life and i just i was like fuck it fuck it yeah we'll hang out we'll hang out so it's the pandemic i didn't really want to you know go into public so i was like let's go to a public park let's go

a public park and go picnic it out if this man can sit in a public park and have fun and journal with me then sure he can stick around you know but I wasn't like leaning into it as a date I always leaned into first dates as I'm gonna approach this person as if they're my best friend and I'm gonna exact I'm gonna act the exact way I would with my best friend which is a little weird and odd and freaky and whatever and if they can get on board with that then that's the true me they can love me for who I am so that's why I approached it I was like I'm gonna approach it as a friend hangout sesh whatever he rolled up like a fat joint with like resin in it like we were ready to smoke we hung out we did our thing I literally lost my keys in the park and I was like

so high I was like fuck it leave the keys I have a spare like some homeless man can have the keys I don't care let's just chill relax hang out we went back to my place because I was like I have to go do like homework or whatever time to go our separate ways and then we ended up talking for three hours and then we ended up spending two days together that's how we met looking back on it I did do a lot of work previously to meeting him where I unpacked the trauma of my previous relationship and really focused on what I wanted and what I was willing to accept into my life and what I wasn't willing to accept into my life so I had that list and I had that work done and I had that sitting in the back of my head so while we were spending time together I was asking myself

like is he going to be good to me is he gonna blah blah blah is he exuding the characteristics of a man of a man that I want in my life and he was and then you know we spent a lot of time together we tried to figure out what we wanted and if it was gonna work and here we are four years later so I say if you're searching for a man if you're trying to manifest a man the best way to do so is not with spells it's not with rituals the universe is always going to send you something silly funny haha kind of out of left field if you try and manifest love always try and manifest self-love if you're going to manifest any sort of love um but I think the best way to kind of manifest a man or manifest a healthy partner is really just to do the internal work

of asking yourself what do i deserve what the fuck do i deserve what do i want what are the characteristics i seek out what do i deserve in this life and then make that list have it in the back of your head don't fucking settle ever i promise you'll find love it might take time but don't settle oh also i totally forgot a couple more presents i got my boyfriend well first of all he got me this Louis bag for Christmas but oh let me nerd out for a second my favorite Pokemon is Torchic and you cannot find her anywhere you cannot find Torchic anywhere but we stumbled upon this cute little nerdy gaming store and I really want to start decorating my bags a little bit more cute keychains and I found a Torchic so my boyfriend got it for me and then I received an

early birthday present from the queen herself miss sydney mary and she came through with the fucking bikinis so i wanted to show them off because i'm like such a proud she's older than me but i feel like such a proud mom actually just a friend but still i'm like her art is incredible like look at this bikini with the scrunchie bottoms and the long lacy ties and then she has this knowledge and experience bikini set oh sorry i just dropped that um but it has these beautiful like water lily print all over it so i cannot wait to go on my girls trip and just run around montana in these hot ass bikinis in the mountains on horseback it is just going to be oh incredible incredible i'm going to attempt to pre-record a podcast for next week while i'm on

vacation but if you do not see a podcast next week i am genuinely so sorry i'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that we have one up um but if i do not have like cell service or if I do not have a wi-fi if I do not have a like hacking in computer moment that I can upload accordingly I really apologize but I am going to try and do my best to make sure that is out for you guys so stay tuned but I cannot wait for my girls trip when I was um running around this weekend in Eureka Springs Arkansas there was so many like old lady cup like groups like running around and they all were wearing like girls trip shirts and I'm like oh that is going to be me and my friends in 50 plus years like we will be the old ladies running around the girls trip shirts

and it begins next week with our first ever like big girl girls trip and it's so fun because I was like thinking i was like you know what i haven't had like a sleepover with the girls since probably like beginning of college high school it's like five plus years and i'm so excited to be able to go do that for like the next 10 days oh how beautiful is this life i'm so lucky i'm so glad that i put the work in so i can go now reap the benefits and enjoy um because my god was i overworking myself there for a moment and over overworking yourself is only worth it when it's for a good cause when it's for a good thing um so make sure you're at least working towards something make sure you have a goal in mind even if the goal is like simply going home and getting

some fucking rest make sure you at least have something to look forward to whether it's my favorite thing to look forward to on a daily basis is a good fucking meal follow me on instagram at hannah marlene i've been posting a ton of cooking reels you guys have been loving it um i'm making ramen today so if you want to see my ramen recipe which i've been over before i do have some special ways i like to spice it up so we're gonna do that but i'm gonna make ramen um on my instagram reels if you want to check it out some good munchy food um but yeah recently realized i am fucking crazy what do i do i'm just a girl listen we're all crazy i'm actually psycho and the thing is the more you fight the psycho the more psycho you become so

you kind of have to lean into it and lean into it in a healthy way not in a way where it's like okay let me go manic crazy and just become the worst possible person ever it's like no I can be the worst possible person ever but I'm gonna save it for moments that it really counts and until then I'm just gonna store it away for a rainy day and I'm gonna wait um and I'm gonna try and you know ward off the crazy girl the best I can until I'm ready to break her out okay also if you need psychiatric help please get it like 10 out of 10 recommend my psych ward experience really saved my life honestly um and especially when you're like I'm a crazy girl lol I'm just a girl but also like I'm losing it I'm going to hurt somebody or myself it's like please check yourself

in I guarantee only good things will come from it like I went to the government psych ward not the fun little Malibu retreat let me go to a sound bath ritual let me go purify myself no government psychiatric institution and it still helps me okay so even in the out of the worst things you can still grow into the best thing hi hannah i hope you had a lovely birthday i hope you're having a beautiful day today my question is about self-worth i've kind of been struggling with it for the majority of my life also due to kind of like childhood traumas and all of that and uh learning limiting beliefs and that just kind of like being installed in my unconsciousness i was wondering how i can take the first steps

to break free from that because i've kind of already always known that i was deserving of a life where the world is basically my oyster and i can do whatever i want be whoever i want um but i have had always had a hard time um feeling it and believing it period period i feel like when it comes to self-limiting beliefs and um having those reoccurring thoughts especially because you know you know the world's yours you know you're deserving of everything good but it's like this fucked up like brain aspect where it's like you can't necessarily go after it I think the best thing to do in those moments is to start small and work big so maybe start with one specific type of thought that you're having

that's holding you back work on that work on breaking that down and processing it and then once you have that one kind of understood on how to handle it and how to move forward then work on the next thought this is not something that you can kind of like overarching completely just get rid of overnight when it comes to self-limiting beliefs they can stem from anywhere from anything from different things from different experiences and I think it's really important to just start with one start with one everybody can start with one thing okay um start with one belief that's holding you back that you want to challenge a little bit that you want to break down a little bit and work forward from there um this is not going to be something that

you can do overnight i have been putting work into myself since 16 since i was admitted so this is something that i do every single day that i work on every single day but working on yourself will always make your life better. Always. The people who don't work on themselves or don't want to change or don't want to put in the work or don't want to see negative sides of themselves, they stay a certain type of person that is not the kind of person I want around me. They stay like a regressed version of themselves. We all have this higher identity that we want to tap into, but you will never become her overnight. You will become her with every step and dedication that you place in yourself so start small start on one belief whatever it is

i don't know what your limiting beliefs would be uh maybe for me like me personally it would be like oh i can't wear that thing because i blah blah blah because of this trauma because of this experience fuck it you know what fuck that shit i'm gonna work through it i'm gonna wear the thing i'm gonna go out i'm gonna experience and make this a good experience um so i feel more comfortable next time or maybe my self-limiting belief is oh but I'm not deserving of that good thing why do I think I'm not deserving of that good thing where does it stem from how can I work through it and then how can I move forward to make sure that I understand that I am deserving of that good thing and I bring that good thing to myself a lot of this can be done simply with just journaling and

that's why I asked for a journal for my birthday I really wanted to slow my thoughts down and work through them and ask myself these questions um so maybe get a journal maybe get a little pen and then slowly start working on these different ideals but you are deserving of good things it sounds like you do know your understanding of that but sometimes it just takes a little extra work to make that your reality but the work it's always worth it always especially when it comes to yourself and your sanity so love you have you ever had a bad trip you know what I've been pretty intentional about my well kind of I've been mostly intentional about my uh psychedelic usage and making sure that I was in a good place um because the thing is about uh like a trip or even like an

edible trip or anything like that you are strapping yourself into a train and you are going along for the ride there is no controlling the ride so the more mentally sound you are the easier it is to take the ride the more you release control the easier it is to take the ride but once you start trying to control the ride and control the destination you're gonna start losing your mind it's not gonna be fun um but yes i have had a bad trip not like a bad bad not like i need to check myself in not like running from the police because i think the devil's chasing me um more so bad trip where it's like i'm kind of just thought spiraling which is very easy to get into because with uh psychedelics there's this thing called like um like looping or thought looping um which

is very common because your brain is kind of trying to adjust to what's going on so you'll find yourself in these thought spirals and thought spirals and i think most bad trips are by being caught in a negative thought spiral um because of course you don't want to be caught with bad feelings but then you're like stuck with them and it's like oh this is hard to process especially because I'm on mushrooms right now um so I highly highly recommend the best way to avoid a bad trip is just to make sure you're in a good place also I think there's a lot to be taken out of bad trips then you can turn a bad trip into a good trip because a lot of the times it's just making you deal with things that you maybe don't want to deal with or have been avoiding and now you can't

avoid it anymore so if you ever find yourself into a bad trip a make sure you have someone safe around you that you can confess to and be like hey not having a good time right now can you help me distract myself or maybe work through these I always recommend a trip sitter but also the only way to escape the bad trip is to address the feeling address the thought and move forward from there work through it sometimes it's hard to work through that thought and work through that bad trip when you're alone so I don't ever recommend that so I always recommend having a trip sitter because they'll be in a sober mindset to help you process these emotions and work through them the best you can um but yes I have been there actually me and my boyfriend when we

first met we used to do a lot of mushrooms together talk about a bonding experience um and one time we I like got off work and I was like okay let's make like a mushroom tea I've never had mushroom tea before and so I took a bunch of mushrooms probably about 10 grams and I put them in a teapot with boiling water and then you add lemon to it because lemon is supposed to intensify it so anyways we ended up drinking like 10 grams of mushrooms each um and then we kind of just mentally checked out like we were sitting crisscross applesauce in each other's laps like he was sitting crisscross applesauce and then i was sitting like facing him with like my hands around him and our heads were like our foreheads were just pressed together and we were just like

whoa this is too much and too much drugs is never a good thing you really just get to a point where it's like your brain can't handle it and you just start dissociating so that's mostly what that bad trip was but i do specifically and god rest his soul i love mac miller one of my favorite artists but he put on mac miller and i was like bad vibes this is not good vibes not good vibes at least turn on the like upbeat songs but it was one of his like like a saddy sad depressing songs and i was like no that's not gonna fly right now i am gonna quickly start having a bad time so voice your concerns voice what's wrong voice what you're dealing with i guarantee the people around you will help you work your way out of that but i do recommend if you if there's something you're

dealing with that you're kind of avoiding and you're about to trip you're going to deal with those things you have no choice you really have no choice the the drugs are going to be like yeah girl address that shit um unless you're on molly in which everything is good no matter what but please keep that in mind please have a trip sitter please do in a safe environment including a mind environment um and be safe don't take too much it's not going to make anything better in fact less is always more because you'll be able to actually experience it period do you plan on doing any more vlogs i love this past one yes i am hoping to vlog my girls trip i feel like it's gonna be super fun and also it'll be a great way to kind of look back and remember and reminisce

so i will be vlogging my girls trip as long as i gotta ask consent from my friends i'm sure they're gonna be okay with it but i gotta make sure they're okay with being on camera um but yeah i think i'm gonna do that i was gonna vlog my birthday trip but i was like you know what i'm here to just check out clock out run around in the forest and girl there ain't no foreign ferns what the fuck was i saying there ain't no phones in the forest okay wow my midwestern accent really just took over anyways with that being said i love you all so much thank you for being here happy smoke sesh i hope you enjoyed i just realized i didn't smoke at all but please go out smoke a bowl for me if you smoke if not do something good for yourself that's the only

homework i have for you this week if you want to see more from me follow the patreon patreon.com slash smokes as shawty i upload an extra episode there every week um and at hannah marlene to keep updated on my life see some cute fun pictures of me and lots of cooking reels to come but i love you all stay sexy see you soon