Smoke Sesh - having realizations, crying at work & saying sorry

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

hello hotties and welcome back! today we have a lot to catch up on, what I've been up to, staying sane, grounding myself, life updates, thrifting, budget decorating, instant gratification, horror movies, spooky stuff, fall activities, fall to do, fall rituals, fall equinox, protecting your energy, crying at work, its not that serious, saying sorry, taking up space, growing from childhood trauma, healing, adhd, gynecologists, women's health, manifesting love, finding the one, avoidant attachment, feeling unloveable, single and lonely, companionship, age gap relationships, being critiqued, taking advice, picking your battles, confrontation, shame and bad behavior, being done dirty, sad boi hours and much much more!watch the vlogs on YouTube at hannahmarlene444join the patreon! new episodes (and more) at patreon.com/smokeseshshawtysubmit your questions and call ins every week on instagram.com/hannahmarlene

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of SmokeSash. So come hang out. Let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing. I've got a story for it all. Hello, hello, hello, hotties.

And welcome back to the SmokSash podcast. My name is Hannah, your host. And I'm so excited to be back with you all on this. Very chilly. Oh my gosh, fall freaking day. I woke up this morning, thunder, gloominess. It was like misting out. It's going to be doing this for the next week with a high of 70 degrees. You guys, fall is here. Fall is officially here. I am so goddamn excited. Actually, literally the day you're listening to this is the fall equinox, the autumn equinox. So congratulations, you guys. We have made it to the most nostalgic, the most. beautiful, although I am a summer child, the most beautiful season of the year. I love fall. Fall is so renewing. Fall is so grounding. I love Halloween. I love getting spooky. I love getting a little weird and freaky with it. I love connecting with nature being able to actually get outside. Okay. I love the weird rituals we do. I love fall. I do. I honestly do. It makes me feel so

nostalgic for the world. It makes me look back on like past years of my life and what I was doing. It forces me to reconnect to ground to plant myself. So then winter is actually productive in the sense of, okay, I'm resting. I'm rejuvenating. I am in hibernation mode to work on the internal. So I have more energy to grow back in the spring. So fall is all about we're shedding old layers. we're releasing dead leaves okay dead weight get rid of that shit let it go girl cuss it out and kick it to the door if you have to it doesn't matter whatever works for you works for you okay um grow your root strong focus on grounding focus on what you need to plant yourself where you need to plant yourself thinking ahead looking ahead but also not escaping from the present the present is very important

especially right now, no matter how good or bad it is, fall and autumn is all about grounding yourself in the present and being appreciative of the present. So we'll kind of go over some fall habits, fall things I do to really celebrate the season. I'll be making a massive bucket list as well as sharing my fall mood board on the Patreon. Patreon.com slash smoke slash shoddy. But what has Hannah been up to? Oh my God. What has Hannah? not been up to if I'm being 100% honest. I did my usual Monday routine of going out to the barn to see Zina to go kick it with the horses, to go hang out with everybody there.

That was really good. I actually got to sleep in today. Okay, can I admit something to you guys? I really wish I was an early morning girl. I really wish I was an early morning girl. If I could be a 6am type of bitch, oh, you guys, life would. be great, life would be grand. I just am not that girl. I'm not. And it's because I don't sleep. I can't sleep. I don't sleep every single night. There was a curse placed on me at some point in time,

maybe in a past life, maybe on a relative, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm being haunted. Well, I know that's for sure. But every night, without fail, I wake up at 3.30 in the morning. No matter what, no matter what. And it's crazy because my nephew does the same thing as well. My niece, they were having a hard time getting both of them to sleep through the night. And finally, my niece kind of like got used to the usual routine of being a child having to, you know, sleep through the fucking night. Okay. But my nephew, who's older than her, still, my brother's like, he wakes up without fail at 3 a.m. every goddamn night and then comes and wakes us up because he's six.

And he's like, mom, dad, hey, it's time to fucking. play let's let's hang out and i was like oh my god i do the same thing too so i don't know what family curse that is about but every night i wake up at 3 30 in the morning and i also go to bed a little bit later um usually around 10 30 11 but if i don't get at least eight nine 10 hours asleep i'm actually a monster which means i usually sleep in until nine i just can't fall asleep i can't stay asleep and so i really if i want to be a productive person i got to sleep i got to sleep I do. I'm not sleeping until noon, let's be honest, but I am sleeping until at least 839 max. And I got to do that today so I'm not so freaking brain dead than I usually am on Mondays or, you know, day I'm filming this.

Usually I wake up like 7.30 on these days. So I had a little bit of a late start. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling rejuvenated. I got to literally ground myself with some magical creature of animals. horses are i got to do some groundwork with her i kind of found out why she was being such a bitch recently and so now i get to kind of adjust accordingly i'm going saddle shopping tomorrow um her previous leaser let me a saddle pad that i get to try out that i'm very excited about she got her toes done today the ferrier was there so she got a little trim up she's looking good she's looking sharp she's also growing her winter coat yes winter coat i said that out loud y'all it's fall you better prepare they get all it's so cute the horses get all like fuzzy and their coats get

really thick they look like little teddy bears oh it's adorable and she looks gorgeous when her coat grows out because she's all black in the summer she turns a little like blondey red because of the sun but she's like all black and sleek like bad bitch it's looking good i'm feeling good i spent literally seven hours out there so nice to see my trainer hang out with her with the girl I take my lessons with and yeah, flew my ass here. And now we get to chill and hang out. Last night I saw Resident Evil, the new Resident Evil movie. I love a horror movie.

I love a scary movie. And I love when you can take kind of a classic trope. I mean, Resident Evil is zombies, of course, zombies, monsters. And you can put a little fun spin on it. Like how many zombie fucking movies are there? How many monster movies are there? I want to see something a little bit different that keeps my attention. And this new movie absolutely did that.

It was a little silly, it was a little goofy. It was very real of like, okay, what would some dumbass nowadays do if they were, you know, coming into contact with zombies with monsters? It was good. It was a good watch. I'll give it a good, like, three and a half out of five stars. It wasn't like mind blowing, but maybe it held my attention and I was having a good time. I love going to the movies, especially in the fall, in the winter.

If you're like, I don't know what to do. I'd never get out of my house. Fall winter movies is where you need to go. Also, there's so many good releases coming out. It's fabulous to support your local cinema, your local theater. If you can't afford an AMC ticket price, I promise you local theaters, smaller theaters have cheaper ticket prices. And as well, those loyalty programs really pay off.

I think you can get a ticket nowadays if you're in a loyalty program for like, honestly free or like $5, $6. That's the hack for you. Oh, but did that. That was good. Reset my life a little bit. Did some deep cleaning. I also had done some recent,

um, fun little DIYs and hangouts. If you want to watch me go thrifting, I have a new thrift vlog up on YouTube. That was the vlog of the week last week. Um, at Hannah Marlene 444. I had to drop off donation bags.

And then of course, that means I have to go inside and take a little peruse at what they had. and y'all I hit the fucking jackpot the jackpot at the thrift store so that vlog is up now on youtube hand a million four for four like I said if you want to see the vlogs early join the patreon patreon. patreon.com slash smokes a shoddy sorry I got to give my plugs out of the way bear with me bear with me um and then on instagram I've been cooking up a storm as well as I've been seeing these candle trays everywhere I love a candle tray I love like the whimsical nature of a candle tray I love how witchy they are and so I've been meeting to build one and so I thrifted all my supplies in the vlog and then I built

it as like a cute little real. So if you need a little DIY action, that is up on Instagram at Hannah Marlene. Speaking of, okay, side note, side note, someone asked one of the questions was, hold on, how to make a space feel more homey on a limited budget, baby thrifting. Thrifting at Facebook Marketplace is going to be your best goddamn friend. Tell me why. One thing with the internet is we want instant gratification immediately. Like if you see something online, you want to be able to have that link do two clicks one click to click on the link the second click to purchase like people want that shit instant and so i mean i was building this candle trade that obviously i thrifted everything and i got multiple comments or dms that were like hey can you link

the supplies can you link the supplies can you send me the link like babe there is no link there is no link and in fact thank god there's no link because if i tried to source all of that from like i don't know amazon ebay home goods wherever the fuck it would have been 10 times more than what I paid at the thrift store, please. It's going to take a little bit more hunting. It's going to take a little bit more digging. But also you're going to feel more connected to it. You're going to feel more authentic with it.

And you're probably going to get it for much cheaper. So if I can recommend any sort of home good advice, decoration advice, where to source things, the thrift store and Facebook marketplace, this chair, this beautiful cheetah print chair, Facebook Marketplace, $75, dropped off downstairs. I tried to carry upstairs by myself, and the guy who dropped it off was like, okay, put it down. It carried up three flights of stairs for me.

Love Facebook Marketplace. Everything behind me, all the plants, well, not the plants. I'll take that back. All the planters, all the things, all my stuff on my bookshelf. Thrift did, okay? Now, I am trying to limit my thrift consumption, but if you're in a consumption mood and you need to decorate on a budget, yeah, thrift and Facebook Marketplace will be your best. bestest bestest friend.

But yeah, my brain has fully switched over to the fall vibes. Practical magic came out. I have to see that still. But I did rewatch the old one. I've been rewatching like all the old classics. I just rewatched interview with a vampire to prepare for my trip to New Orleans. I'm so excited. I've just been getting back into the spooky stuff.

American Horror Story Coven. The classics. We watch Silence of the Lambs. And you guys, I am a horror movie fanatic. but also like I'm a girl. I don't want to see all this brutality against women. I don't want to see horrific, brutal, brutal moments that I feel like the director is just getting off while filming. Like I hate that shit.

I hate a bitch who's like, I love scary movies. And then they suggest like the goriest, most violent movie against women ever. It's like that's not scary. Like I fear that is just like that is just weirdo. Oh, some words I can't say on here. Okay, I don't want to get like too, too demonetized. It's weirdo porn. It's weirdo porn.

These weirdo male directors are getting away with. So if I can recommend my favorite scary movie ever and like this movie gave me chills, absolute chills. I can't even look at the main actor in other shows without being like, ugh. Like, I hate it. I hate it. and it is if you like an indie film if you like a you know low budget horror movie this movie i actually just found this fact out it only costs them two hundred and fifty dollars to make talk about

indie horror okay they just got together with a camera and a dream and some grandmother's cabin in the woods and they film this together it's called creep you guys creep is one of the best scary horror there are. Now there is a little gore. It is weird and freaked out and it'll put you on edge, but it's only between these two men. And it really highlights the question of like that women get a lot. Like, why didn't you leave sooner? Why didn't you see the signs? Why didn't you this? Why didn't you that? But instead it's kind of directed out of man. And oh my God, it's so good. Oh my God. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. And I've seen so many horror movies, so many of them.

And creep is by far one of my favorites. I also love just like a found on film kind of movie. Like think Blair Witch Project. Think The Rec series. So yeah, I'm working on a full favorites horror movie favorite list. I'll probably post out on the Patreon. So if you want to see that, join there. But yeah, if I can recommend any movie, it would be Creep for you guys to watch.

this season. I can't really explain too much about it without giving something away. So I'm just going to leave it at that. Speaking of fall, someone asked, what autumn rituals are you doing this fall, as well as what fall festivities are you planning this year trying to get ready for fall? Illy bestie, love you guys. Um, so big things on my list are decorations, of course. I need to decorate my house for Halloween. I will probably be doing that within the next week. I like to celebrate as long as I possibly can. Let me get a full two months out of it if I can. Getting outside, of course, getting into nature, whether it's just like while the weather is so beautiful right now and the leaves are changing color, going on hikes, going on walks, um, doing little outside activities,

going to a winery even and sitting outside. I just found out about this like haunted winery out in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. I'm like, add that to the fucking list. Okay. Think like normal other fall activities, apple picking. I guarantee no matter where you are within 30 to 45 minutes, there is an apple orchard near you. I promise you that. Okay, go pick some apples, go make an apple pie or just go pick an apple off a tree and eat it. You will realize life is worth living if you do that, I promise you. You know, as time goes on deeper into fall, I'll do my normal pumpkin picking. I got to eat an apple cider donut. I want to get like an apple cider. slushy we go to this cidery where they make their donuts homemade and also have like um alcoholic apple cider

count me in they do a big like apple festival um if you're kind of near a rural area usually towns will throw like little fall festivals where they'll just bring out a bunch of different small local vendors and it's kind of like a massive farmer's market or craft fair um so look up like fall festivals and your area. Those are always so fun. I love a haunted house. I love a spooky moment. I'm getting most of that done in New Orleans. I mean, ghost tour, cemetery tour. We're going to a vampire burlesque show. Mama, we're doing it all. I like to see a psychic or a tarot reader at some point during the fall. I feel like that's just very witchy and on brand for me. I can do that for myself, but it's always nice to get a second opinion because it's very easy for me to just like close my eyes and pretend that the cards didn't

just tell me that I'm like a massive fucking bitch and I need to get over it. Whoops. Indoor activities, fabulous indoor fall activities puzzling. Fall and winter, I always have a puzzle out. Okay, I have it spruen about on a random table somewhere. You would be surprised how long you will get stuck at that puzzle. Okay, you will randomly sit down and you'll be like, I'm just going to put like one piece in. all of a sudden two hours three hours four hours have gone by me and my best friend when she lived in my area i would go over to her house of a bottle of wine and we would puzzle and talk and drink wine for hours dead silence in the background just us yapping and putting puzzle pieces together okay break out a puzzle go get a cute little puzzle throw it on your kitchen table slowly work on it as fall

and winter come about um i love baking oh i love baking any pumpkin recipes always fabulous pumpkin cinnamon rolls, regular cinnamon rolls, apple pies. I'm going to make apple hand pies after I go apple picking this week. I also like to get into like seasonal foods, anything that's growing seasonally right now. Right now pumpkin is of course very predominant but also butternut squash. So I'm making a butternut squash mac and cheese recipe that should be up hopefully this week sometime. I'm very excited for that. I'm also making a whole roast chicken tonight. I am in my like fall cooking bag. I'm ready for a pumpkin soup.

I'm ready for a pot roast. I made chili last week. Ooh, so good. So good. Chili with a little corn bread. Oh, there's nothing better than being in the Midwest, a little rainy, thunderstorming. Someone's watching football downstairs and you're eating chili and cornbread.

That's the American way route there. I also love a corn maze. If you have like a good group of friends, take your friends to the corn maze, get drunk, and see who can get out of there the fastest. Oh, and always this fall, you got to go to the Renaissance Festival. Me and all my coworkers are going to the Renaissance Festival next week, and I'm so excited. I can't wait to dress up like a fairy and frolic around and get drunk off me. Is there anything better? That is a list. Hopefully that inspired something for you guys. Let me know down below your favorite way to celebrate fall, and maybe that will expand my list because I'm always looking for

fun new things but those are kind of the things that I always have to do every fall to make it feel like I got the most out of the season and the thing is with winter coming up trigger warning with winter coming up like mentally prepare yourself the more you live as as bold and as cathartic as you can right now like the more you get outside the more activities you do all those fun things the easier winter will be and the easier it will be to be inside because you feel like you've lived it up and now it's time to rest. So if I can give you any piece of a device, it's get outside, get outside, go live, go run free, go live. Rituals-wise, like witchy wise.

The one thing that I always do every season, but especially during the fall, fall equinox is a simmer pot. I love a simmer pot. I will probably open up all my windows and my doors. I will deep clean. I will vacuum. I will sweep all the old dirt, dust, grime from summer out. and I put on a simmer pot. Symparts are super easy and are a great way to also just like make your house smell

fucking delicious. But it's just a bunch of water and herbs and whatever else that you feel called to include. I will probably use apples, oranges, cinnamon sticks, clove, bay leaves, rose petals. I mean, shit, you name it. You can throw it in that simmer pot. And you turn it on low on your stove and slowly add more and more water over time. And yeah, I just leave it on the stove all day with supervision, duh. And it's a great way to just like renew the energy in your house to usher in a new season and celebrate a little bit.

The energy right now this season is still a little on edge. So try and just like maintain as best as you can right now. My number one probably tip because a lot of the questions I got were like, whoa. okay y'all are going through it the girls are going through it the girls are going through it like let's prepare let's maybe ground them a little bit in our answers let's you know not ignite that fire if I can suggest um so best thing I could probably recommend for you guys to do right now with that like extra energy especially that extra like fiery energy instead of putting it like negatively on yourself or on people around you put it on your goals. Okay. I am somebody who has always had like a little bit extra umph to me, a little bit

extra like aggression to me. And for a long time, I let that just like sit inside of me and it low key kind of rotted my soul. And then I started turning that aggression on the people around me and then also on myself, which made me massively depressed. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, just because it's a negative emotion doesn't mean you don't do anything with it or you don't address it. It means you just have to turn it into something positive. And so I realized that untapped like what most of it would deem like aggressive or negative energy was just extra energy and I was pushing it into negative situations and places. Push that into your work. Okay. And maybe you don't live to work. That's okay. Your art, your craft, your hobbies, your whatever you're inspired by, whatever you literally live for.

Okay. Maybe you don't know what to live for. Okay. We'll go out and. find it, go look for it, go seek it out, especially right now during the fall. There's so many things going on. But use that energy in a productive way or else it's going to get explosive. That seems vague and weird, but I felt that message come to me and I felt like I had to express that thoroughly. Okay. Put your extra energy into yourself, your work, your inspiration, what you're inspired by. do not let it, you know, manifest negatively because it will, especially right now. The astrology is a little bit, whoa, whoa, wild and crazy. So take precaution.

All right. How to cry less at work. Oh, mama. I used to be such as, oh, little Hannah, I used to be so sensitive, so, so sensitive. And working in the restaurant industry really snap me out of that. real fucking quick. Okay, you get screamed at like every 30 seconds from every different direction. You will learn to not care because you will realize like this shit don't matter. Like, baby, this is a restaurant. There's no reason to be screaming and yelling. Like,

literally it don't matter. And I think that's kind of the energy I take forward nowadays. Okay. And also let me say working at an abusive place environment will make you cry at work all the time. If you are crying at work all the time, it probably is not you and it probably is the abusive ass place you work. Okay. And dare I say also, you don't have to be stuck there. It doesn't mean you have to quit tomorrow. Let's not do that. No, no, no, backup plan. Backup plan. Please, we'll love a God, have a backup plan. But maybe it means, mong company time, I will be looking for other jobs. Mon company time. I'm going to be sitting in the bathroom scrolling on indeed. I'm going to be applying to other jobs. I'm going to be answering email.

for other jobs. You know, like let's start looking at other places instead of trying to figure out how to endure abuse. I don't ever want you to do that. So if you find yourself like at a restaurant where you're crying all the goddamn time, you're in the walk-in with all this food and you're shoving your face in front of the walk-in fan, okay, all restaurant grillies know this moment and you're like, please just freeze the tears off my face so my, so my tables don't know. There was actually, I had one moment that broke me and I realized crying at work is never worth it. And it was probably like three years ago. And oh my God, this is so fucked up. I remember it was like one of the worst moments of my life. I am completely blacked out where, you know, you know those days where you're like, okay, got the worst news ever. This person died. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm, I've got no sleep in my body. I got to go work this this double. closing shift, okay, and maintain my, you know, my composure and smile at these tables and smile at my coworkers and not bring the mood down. And I remember it just, I hit up a wall where everything caught up to me

all at once, like mid lunch rush. And I just like broke down in fucking tears. And I was like unconsolable to the point where it was like, my manager was like, okay, you have to come out of the walk in. Like, you don't have to hide, but like, just like, take 30 minutes, you know, well, watch your tables. You're fine. Take 30 minutes. I'm like, okay, okay, okay, fine. And so I went out into the alleyway. And there was this like family that I was serving that, you know, someone took over for me

and tapped them out and they were leaving. It was like a very young couple and their small child. And they saw me sobbing, sobbing, mascara running down my eyes, like tears, staining my shirt. and they were like, can we pray for you? And I was like, you got me in a rock and a hard place here. Like, sure. Who am I to turn down a prayer? Yeah, no.

Yeah, you can pray for me. Sure, sure, sure. You know, and so I sat. I'm sobbing and they're like, please, Lord, watch after this poor woman and ease her ailments. You guys, I was like, okay, cool. Thanks. All right. I'm feeling better now because that snapped me out of it.

I was like a, you know, jump back into reality. moment because I was like, okay, let me pull myself together in front of these random people. I go back inside. I go to their table where they had just left. I go to pick up the bill. They did me like $2 on $200. Mama, that broke my spirit in a way that was so freeing. That was so freeing.

It's like these people do not fucking matter. This shit don't matter. two dollars on 200 don't matter that prayer don't matter i am here to literally clock in have a key with my coworkers and leave with whatever fucking money i have whether it's two dollars zero dollars or two thousand you never know with serving at least with other jobs you know how much you're leaving with at the end of the end of the week at the end of the two weeks whatever it is but that is literally all a job a job is And I think when you take it a little too seriously, okay, like I was where it was like, I have so much on my plate and I'm also taking my job a little too seriously.

Like it's not that serious. It's just a restaurant. I like, I physically, it physically broke me. And now I'm free. Now I'm free. When I work for myself, when I do this podcast, when I'm making vlogs, when I'm like making art, when I'm painting, when I'm, you know, doing small things for clients, when I'm doing independent contractor work, like I care.

I care about that because it means something to me. If I was working a different job outside of this that meant something to me, then sure. I would care about that. I would have little tears here and there. But if you are working a job that literally is just to pay the bills, which I think a lot of us are, especially in this economy, and don't look down on yourself at all for that. Like, baby, we all got to make money, period. It's just a job.

It's just a job. Okay. There's others out there. We can plan ahead. We can look forward. But there's no reason for you to take on that emotional turmoil or abuse or, you know, whatever tips and taffs that people do at your workplace to feel bigger than you because it's just a job and you're going to go home after this.

I really, and now I have that approach to everything. And it's honestly really good because also it gives me this air of like confidence. where even when I'm working for myself now, if clients are trying to get into tips with me or arguing with me or this or that, I just had a client recently who I was doing graphic design for, and they were just like, we need a revision, we need a revision, we need this, we need that, like emailing me at 2 a.m., like, we don't like this, this and this and this.

It got to a point where I was like, okay, this is not, this is not worth it. Where I had to send an email like, all right, babes. You either get this. You get this package with this price or you get this package with this price. Those are your options. Let me know which one you choose down below. Like here's my harsh boundaries because it's not worth it. It doesn't matter.

It really doesn't. Like let me know how I can help you and I will let you know how you can help me monetarily. And it does give you this air of confidence because work is just work. You're not supposed to take that shit home. It's not supposed to live with you every single day. like I said, you're just clocking in and clocking out and going home as it should be. If you need to go outside and scream it out or go into the walk in and cry it out, valid as fuck.

But don't let them eat away at your spirit. How to say sorry less? L.O.L. Okay, this is a great question. I don't know. I feel like I was trained from a young age to feel very sad about how much space I took up as an individual. Let me know if you relate down below. It's like I am existing and thus I am sorry about it.

like damn i don't know what burden was placed on me or what burden i placed on myself that's how i've always been i think it's also how a lot of women feel in general um and so i don't know if i condition myself or someone else did but yeah i i have the habit where if i'm like in the way or you know whatever i'm simply walking past somebody if i trip and fall flat on my face in front of somebody they don't even do anything i'm standing up and i'm saying sorry like sorry for what sorry for what sorry for what and so the way that i conditioned myself to stop saying sorry was um it's kind of weird i was around this girl who was working with who was kind of like an older sister vibe and every time i would say sorry like oh i'm in the way sorry sorry sorry sorry she'd be like sorry for what

sorry for what sorry for what you're okay you're just you're just doing your thing sorry for what and it made me start thinking about like why I was saying that instead of it being a compulsory behavior. And so then I was like, oh, I like that. I like that. I'm stealing that. And so I started saying that to other people. And so when other people would be like, oh, I'm sorry. I'd be like, sorry for what?

Sorry for what? And that's kind of how I conditioned it out of me because it does make you stop behaving in that compulsion and start actually thinking about like, you know what? No, I'm not. No, I'm not. And I'm not going to say it. because I want to mean when I say sorry instead of being a sorry-ass person. You know what I mean?

And so a great way to condition yourself out of that if you don't have somebody to ask you, why are you sorry, is to start asking other people. If you're working on other people or if you run into somebody and they're like, I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. And it's like something they shouldn't be sorry over. You know, have that kind of, it's like, I guess it's confrontation. It's more so questioning of like, well, no, you don't have to be sorry.

Don't be sorry. No, why are you sorry? No reason to be. It will help you slow down, think about what you're doing, think about that behavior and also kind of realize it's okay to take up space. No, it's okay to exist. No, it's okay to bump into people to have accidents to do this, to do that. Like, it's okay. You can be sorry, but let it be over things that actually matter or else you will be sorry for everything. And like I said, you don't want to be a sorry ass. bitch. No one wants to be a sorry ass bitch. But sometimes I do feel bad and I do want to say sorry. But I want to mean something. I want my words to mean something. And thus you got to be careful with when and where you use them. It's okay to take up space. It's okay to have accidents. It's okay to be a mess. It's okay to be human. It's okay to exist. You do not have to be sorry for those things. Why don't my problem circle back to not being hugged enough as a child. I'm tired. Okay. Oh, Venus and Scorpio is getting to us all.

it's like, oh my God, actually, I was not loved properly. And now I'm making it everybody else's problem. Actually, my parents forgot I existed. And now I act out on the internet for attention. That's a me problem. Yeah. I don't act out interpersonally. Thank God.

I could have been a nuisance. I could have been a nuisance. But thank God I'm not like an online grifter. Okay. Think God I'm not like a, I didn't get too crazy with it. but I definitely have some like attention issues where I'm like I have to I'm not that the center of attention. I'm not like selfish but I definitely need like a good circle of people around me like I need to be interacting with people whether it's interpersonally or online. I cannot be like super super

isolated. Um and online just makes sense for the work I do. But yeah, it's like, oh, also like, hmm, why do I need everybody's approval? Maybe because I never received approval as a child. Oh, habits you learn and unlearn as you grow older. And yeah, it is crazy how you will be like, why do I do this thing? I'll be like, oh, yes, because of how I grew up as a child. Nature versus nurture, baby, it is all nurture. It really is. I have patience for people and their qualms and their learned behaviors and all these things

or like trauma and all that. but also the real hard shit to swallow as an adult is it's up to us to unlearn it, which is kind of like, well, what the fuck? I don't even want to learn this in the first place. And now I have to unlearn it. What do you mean? I have to figure this out. It's like, damn, bitch, the work never stops.

But that is the work that's worth it. Okay. The one that makes you grow, release, let go of, change, you know, the one that lets you not carry on that generational trauma as you grow older. I feel I have slight ADHD, but my family and doctor don't believe me because I'm quote unquote successful. Oh yeah, absolutely. I definitely have ADHD not diagnosed though. Isn't that crazy?

And it's because the studies on women's ADHD are like way the fuck behind. Women being diagnosed with ADHD in the past like 50 years is up by 300%. because they are finally realizing that it manifests differently in humans, obviously, and women with ADHD are usually high achievers, usually high achievers, and they can pass whatever ADHD tests that they have with flying colors. How do I know because that was me? I went to got tested for ADHD at my therapist's recommendation in high school, and I went and I sat down to take the test and maybe the test was like,

can you stare at the circle? can you write a sentence it's like okay what the fuck yeah obviously if i set my sights on something i can do it the problem is it's like when my sights are set on everything i can't do anything and so i left that test and they were like no she's fine definitely don't have ADHD bitch my brother has ADHD my dad has ADHD my mom has ADHD my grandma has ADHD i definitely have ADHD let's be so goddamn for real but it definitely manifests differently. And it's still, it's like so sad how science has like completely forgotten about women or left women out.

And now it's starting to catch up because it's like, damn, we could have had this figured out by now. We could have had this figured out by now if they just saw us as human beings. Damn, what the fuck. So yeah, I haven't sought out a new diagnosis or I haven't sought out any help, so to say, for ADHD. but I do look online for little tips and tricks if I'm having a certain issue with like random habits or hobbies or things like that getting things done. You would be surprised how much like advisors from other women online via Reddit thread, via random posts, via just communication to one another. And I think that's how women have always found out about things is from each other.

So I do think there's something beautiful about that, but also like, god damn, can the doctors keep up? Please, for love a god. Like, what the fuck? Speaking of doctors, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow. Whoop, whoop. I, ugh, I'm not excited. I'm not excited. But it's something you just have to do.

I'd rather be proactive than reactive. Speaking of someone said, I'm 23 and I've never been to the gyno. Do I have to? I'm scared. Yeah, you have to. Yeah, you have to. It's like going to the dentist. You gotta.

Now if you can't afford it, if it's not in the books right now, like I understand waiting a second, like getting things in order. But like you got to do it eventually. You know what I mean? Taking care of your health is so important. And I understand like it's actually like so crazy to think about like that is not accessible to everybody because universal health care should be freaking accessible to everybody.

That's insane. But yeah, at some point you should probably get in there. there and, you know, have them look under the hood and make sure everything's okay. And the gynecologist doesn't need to be scary. Okay. Let me demystify it for you if you don't know what to expect. Number one, I recommend doing research. I love my gyno. She's an OBGYN actually. Um, and I made sure I did like an abundance of research. You guys, there's reviews online about doctors. The same way you would be like, should I go to this restaurant and you're like, one star, 500 one stars, I'm not going there. There's also reviews about doctors.

online. So I made sure to do as much research as possible. Okay, advocate for yourself to make sure bitch my fucking insurance was accepted like little things like that. And then also like before I had a physical exam, I made sure we just had like a one-on-one in-person exam. So we could just like chat things out. What kind of like, I went for birth control. So I was like, all right, I'm here just to talk about breath control. I'm not really in the mood to be physically examined. I just, who we just met each other, baby. I don't sleep with people on the first day. It's just kidding. But like, I, you know, I'm not ready for that yet. And she was so like, yeah, no problem. No worries, you know, we'll schedule a exam on another date and then we'll schedule a, you know, I was getting a new IUD. We'll schedule your IUD insertion

on another day after that as well. You got to find a doctor that will advocate for you, listen to you and someone that you feel like honestly that you can just like vibe with that is so underrated if i don't vibe with my doctor if i don't trust them energetically i don't want them anywhere near me i especially don't want them touching me i feel that way with anybody like if i if my energy is like if your energy is weird and my energy is like oh on edge i don't want you near me so like why would I want a doctor to evaluate me if I think they're a weirdo fucking creep. So she's like young. She's like giving mother energy.

She's very chill. She's very relaxing. So advocate in yourself in the way of like just like, you know, do your research on doctors. My going to appointment tomorrow is just like a general evaluation. So they will do like a pelvic exam, which mostly involves just touching on top of your stomach to make sure you're not feeling any pain around there. And then they will do an internal evaluation where they bring out the, what is it called? Speculum, a speculum, we need something better. Speculums are definitely like, like I said, women's health care. You know, there should be

something different, but like we haven't gotten there yet. The most uncomfortable part about the evaluation is just the speculum's cold. My doctor does use a heated lube. Shout out to her for that. But it's not uncomfortable other than just the temperature. Now also, I don't have any pelvic floor issues. I don't have any things where any sort of insertion causes me pain. If that's something that you deal with and obviously advocate for yourself, they probably will not do an internal exam. But they just open that thing up. They look around and make sure everything's okay. They might take a swab.

I always get like a STD test or any sort of like BV test, anything like that. Who knows? Bitch, I want to know. Okay, why not? Let's get it done. My insurance is going to pay for it. Check that shit off. Make sure my strings are still there with my IUD.

And yeah, that's usually all they do. And then once you turn like 25, then they start doing breast exams, like on my first ever breast exam last year where they just felt around. and you can opt out of that. I always get it because breast cancer is very prevalent in my family. I think every single woman in my family has had breast cancer except for my mom. So, baby, I want to make sure we catch that early if I do have it. And yeah, usually that's it.

I did have to get a ultrasound last time I was there because my IUD was MIA. But we did find it, don't worry, and it's still in place. Thank God. But after my yeast infection, I was like, all right, let's just go get it. it checked out. And yeah, as a woman, I think it's important that you take care of yourself. I understand the fear of it all, but also the fear is probably just because you don't know what's going to happen. I just told you everything that's going to happen. And you can opt out of any of that if you are uncomfortable at any point in time. And it's easier to opt out of something when you have a doctor

you trust. So just do your research and find somebody that you feel safe and comfortable with. But yeah, I'm doing that tomorrow at 8.45 a.m. Woo! And then I'm getting a new tattoo. So woman things, looking in the vagina, making sure that's all good. And then getting a new tattoo. I can't wait. I think I'm going to vlog the process. So if you want to see it, that will be up on Instagram, at least by the end of the week, at Hannah-Marley. But everybody wished me luck on my vagina journey.

Hopefully everything's okay. I'm ready for real true love. How to manifest exactly what I want. Okay, you want to tell you, do you want me to give you the love spell of all love spells? do you want me to tell you how to bring forth that perfect partner or that perfect thruple whatever you're looking for baby girl okay whatever your heart dreams of that prince charming on horseback or that 80s football player with a boombox outside of your window or that baddy alternative girl that you want so bad like whatever you're manifesting you want to know how to get it

ball up all that love okay all the love that you want to put towards your partner imagine it in a physical energetic ball and you take that energy and you put it right the fuck back in yourself okay right back into yourself completely back into yourself everybody says love comes when you least expect it and there is so much truth to that i think when you seek out love when you're seeking out a relationship when you're and i hate to use this word but when you're desperate for love, you are willing to compromise on things that are unhealthy for you. You're willing to put up with bad behaviors. You're willing to turn a blind eye. You're willing to super glue those rose color glasses to your face in order to feel as if you have love in your life. You do not need to be in a

partnership to feel love. You are love. Sharing love is beautiful and wonderful and amazing, but I highly recommend you not sharing that love with a weirdo loser who doesn't deserve it. So in order to manifest, like I said, that dream individual. We're talking healed, kind, generous, whatever attributes you've written down in your manifestation journal to bring that exact person forward. You have to be standing 10 toes down in who you are. And that person has to fit like a puzzle piece in with your life. Okay.

When you are a confident individual, when you know what you want from yourself, when you know what you want from life, when you can provide everything for yourself, that person has to come into your life and actually make it better in order for you to kind of like, like realize, oh, this is worth something. And if that person is not making your life better than what you can do for yourself, then what's the fucking point? Okay. Of course, there's compromises with everything.

I mean, all relationships, all love, friendship, whatever is going to involve compromises of some sort. But also they shouldn't compromise your morals. They shouldn't compromise your beliefs. They shouldn't compromise who you are as a person or like what you want from life. Those are not compromises. That's called putting yourself aside. And I don't want you to put your.

yourself aside. So I do think in order to manifest love, you do have to like fully invest in yourself and what you want and what you want out of life and to like go after that head first. The right person, like I said, will come when you least expect it. But also it should fit like a puzzle piece and also hate to break it to you. But like in order to meet that person, you've got to be outside. You got to be outside. You got to be meeting people. Okay. You cannot be inside indoors. 24-7. You do have to try out dates. You got to say yes sometimes. You got to put yourself out there sometimes. And that's going to be vulnerable. It's going to be awkward. It's going to be a little nerve-wracking. But it will up your chances at, you know, having that all work out. I do not think

you will be rescued from your tower by a night on horseback outside of your window. It's just not going to happen, but you will find that person if you invest fully in yourself and also, you know, open up your world to different people, to, you know, different experiences, to trying new things out. You never know who you're going to meet at a local coffee shop. You never know who you're going to at that random concert you're going to. You never know who you're going to meet even, dare I say, online, you know, like by posting your hobbies or by sharing things that you're interested in. Maybe some like-minded individual out there will see that and go, that's hot as fuck. I'm going to DM her. You know, it really is that simple. Be yourself, invest in

yourself. Everything else will work out. And it should feel like everything's falling into place when you are falling in love. That's how it is. It shouldn't be like, damn, this is hard. Or I'm not sure. Or, you know, it's okay. Those are not emotions of you meeting the right person. Those are you, you know, compromising on something that you probably shouldn't be compromising on or dealing with something that you should not be dealing with. Is it my avoidant attachment or am I just not into him? It would be your own avoidant attachment if you knew you liked him deep down and that made you scared and thus you wanted to run away. That's avoidant attachment. Attachment of I like this person but you're avoidant of them because you're scared to be hurt. That's avoidant attachment.

You wouldn't be questioning whether you like them or not if you were avoidant attachment. if you had avoid an attachment because you would know you like them. Deep down whether you wanted to admit it or not, like you know, okay, they get my heart racing a little bit or, oh my God, I like being around them, scary, or whatever, you know, you're going to be attached in some sort of way. If you don't like them, you know you don't like them. I mean, they can be a good person on paper. They can be great, wonderful, kind, smart, whatever.

And you can know that and see that in front of you, but also you can go, but I'm not excited by them. That's how you know you don't like them. You know, avoid an attachment, there's still that like butterflies in your stomach a little bit. It makes you scared, but there's still that butterflies in your stomach a little bit. You would know you like them because of that feeling. You know you don't like them when you don't get that. You're just kind of like, oh, yeah, they're cool. So it's probably not avoiding an attachment. You probably just don't like them. Advice to not feel unlovable without a man. Have the best friends. ever, but it's not the same. And you know what? That's valid. I do think since we've been, you know,

growing up, we're pushed so hard this idea of partnership and being in a partnership. And we are pack animals. We do like being in partnerships generally and very naturally so. We find ourselves there. So, you know, feeling like you're missing something, I think is very valid and real and raw and honest. So props to you for being like, you know, I am a bad bitch. I do have good for. but also, you know, I do want a partner. That's okay. It's okay to like want something for yourself. I'm proud of you for not settling for something. Can we go ahead and give you a pat a back for that? Okay. A lot of people settle for whatever the fuck's in front of them, whether it's good, bad, ugly, awful, embarrassing. Like a lot of people settle out of fear of being alone. So props to you for

being strong enough to be alone in order to find the right thing eventually. You know what I mean? and you will like I said eventually you know all the love you pour into yourself all the love you pour into your friends um eventually that puzzle piece will come along and fit in nice and tight girl don't you worry but for right now focusing on yourself and especially when you feel those low moments of like damn i am lonely recognizing that moment and pouring that love into yourself even if it's just like okay i'm sad i'm in bed i wish i had someone to cuddle with like propping the pillows around you as if it feels like you're cuddling with somebody or getting up and going and putting on a face mask in your favorite movie something nostalgic something that feels good something that helps release dopamine taking a long hot shower taking extra time to brush your hair and oil it cooking yourself a good meal you know eventually you will find that partnership you will find the right person it'll be so lovely it'll be so abundant it'll be so beautiful but right now you got to accept where you are and understand that where you are is just as good it doesn't mean you mean those negative thoughts or that loneliness won't come.

It just means you need to do something in those moments to kind of redirect that thought process so you don't just like sit and sulk for hours. Okay. Obviously everything's good. Like you said, you love yourself. You love your friends, but you're going to have those moments naturally so and rightfully so.

If you can redirect that moment into something that helps you pour love into yourself, that's always fabulous. And if I can give any piece of advice for anybody who's single or feels lonely or lives alone, who has a good amount of finances, okay? And not that that should, you know, bounce you out. But, you know, things cost money. Get a pet. I know.

Whether it's like literally a fish, you guys, I love my fish. I just got a bunch of tetras. They're so silly and goofy and watching them just like bounce around this aquarium is like, it's so fun or like the little snails I have. Those are, okay, fairly cheap, okay, fairly friendly. I say, you know, financially ready because I want you to be at a quickly. prepared but pets are so life-changing especially if you feel extra lonely or you want something to come home to oh my god having danger is like he gives me the will to love truly like coming home from a

long day to him and just like cuddling him and snuggling him he's on this new kick where every night he has to sleep like right next to my face and it makes my heart so happy and it makes you feel a little less alone so if you can if you don't have a pet and you can afford one you're in the place to nourish one whether it's like a frog or um a fish or a cat or a dog oh my god props to the dog people i do not have that kind of energy i am a cat girl for life but i think that can also be a maybe a life-changing journey you can pour your love into as well because it's nice to pour your love into yourself and your friends but also it's kind of nice to give your love to something else you know especially a little creature i love a little creature

thoughts on large age gap couples i don't care what you do after 25 i don't care what the age gap is if you are 25 plus that's what i where i stand if you are younger than 25 if you are okay you know what i'll say 27 we'll we'll push it i think 25 is good because your brain's pretty much fully developed by then um but we'll say 25 to 27 in that age range if that's the youngest the person is in that in the gap, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. When you are young, I do care. I do care.

I do think you're going to be taking advantage of. I do think there's going to be a unnatural imbalance. I do not think a 17-year-old should be dating older than 18. I do not think an 18-year-old should be dating a 21-year-old. I do not think a 21-year-old should be dating a 27-year-old or 35 or 85 to be exact. I think when you're young, you're meant to be running wild and free, unabashedly, unattached to anything but yourself. And I do think people who are older than you or who are older who want to take advantage of people do intentionally seek out younger people because they just don't know better. And that's just the truth of the matter.

Honestly, I am 27 years old. and if I knew another 27, 25, 24 year old who was dating anybody under the age of 21, I would be, I would not even be talking to them. I would not even be, you know, interacting with them. I would probably shame them a little bit. Not the young person. It's never the young person's fault. Okay.

It's always the older person's fault. But once you're 25, if you're dating 85 year old, I don't give a fuck. If you're 27, you're dating 85 year old, I don't give a fuck, okay? at this point in my life, I am old enough that it's like, um, I have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I have a good worldview. I'm pretty settled in who I am. I'm pretty settled in the life that I'm living in a happy, positive manner. And if I wanted a day to a 45 year old, like that's my prerogative. Um, but also it's like, I don't want to do that. It's not on my list of things to do right now. That's for sure. But yes, young people do get taken advantage of by older people. And I do not like age gaps when

you are a young individual. When you're a grown adult, gay, 27, 30, 35, those age gaps, it's like, you know what you're getting yourself into. So choose wisely and at least make sure they're fucking hot. How to deal with people telling you how to be at home, at work everywhere, how to let it roll off? Hmm. Well, most people are stupid, so why would I listen to what they have to say? But also, criticism is important. This is something that I learned in art school very quickly. Like, you need to be able to receive criticism, but you do not have to take all criticism. This is something I learned very, very quickly, baby. I would make, it's like humiliation ritual after humiliation ritual in our school.

I would make like this piece where I'm pouring my heart out, you know, talking about trauma and abuse and all these horrible, awful things, and like literally pouring my heart out into a painting and then like would go to class the next day and it's like, all right, let's do a two-hour critique on how this is the worst piece of art we've ever seen. And it's like, it really is never personal. How to take it not personal is to understand. understand that you have to receive criticism in the workplace at home in relationships,

even on the fucking streets. Someone's going to have something to say. Everybody has something to say. Okay. But not all of it is coming from a good place. I would be in art critiques and it's like some bitch would speak up and I'm like, I know you just hate me and you hate to see a bad bitch succeed. So you feel like you have to say something negative.

That is going to, I'm still going to sit there and I'm going to let her say what she has to say. am I going to argue back? No, because we're not going to engage. There's no need to engage in criticism. You can receive it. But also you can go, actually, I'm not going to listen to that because A, I don't like you. B, you're ugly. C, you smell. Just kidding. But you see what I'm saying where it's like, okay, you can say what you want to say. But also, that doesn't mean I have to accept what you want to say. Now also, you have to be able to receive criticism because some people love you and want to see you succeed. And so when those people speak up and are like, hey, you're doing the wrong thing here, or hey, here's a piece of life advice, or hey, I would love to see this from you, instead of getting

defensive and arguing, no, you shouldn't or if you really love me, you wouldn't say things, you deal with this. You have to receive those things and go, you know what? No, I like this person. I think they have a good head on their shoulders. I think they have good morals. And so when they speak up, I want to listen and I want to receive that criticism because I know that they love me and support me and only want to see me do better. So you have to, A, understand your relationship with that person, random stranger on the street. If I walk past them and they start cussing me out, calling me a bitch and saying how I'm ugly and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm going to be like, ooh, whoa, that's crazy. Also, I'm not going to take that because I don't know you. I don't know you. You don't know me. You're going through something. And obviously it is, you know, as close to a mental breakdown as possible. But like I'm not going to take on that energy because I don't fucking know you. I'm going to, you're going to say it out loud.

And I'm going to receive it because I'm in, I'm in your distance. I'm in, you know, talking range. I have to receive it, which I'm walking past you. But I'm not going to take on that criticism. Now, if I said I'm with a best friend, one I've known for 10 plus years. And they are like, Hannah, I really think. you were just like going down a wrong path here. I think this choice is unhealthy.

I think this is a bad thing or whatever. I would go, you know what? Thank you so much for telling me. I love you. I see you. I respect you. And so I will take on that criticism. When I was in art critics or critiques, it'd be like,

okay, when my professor is telling me something, ears open. When other people are telling me things, you know, depending on, you know, how accurate they were. or maybe the relationship, I would give and take. But you have to be open to receiving everything. You do not have to take on everything, though. And yeah, you're going to receive critiques no matter where you go. In the workplace, at home, and relationships, out and about in public.

Like, critiques are very normal and real and very natural in the real world. And you should also not be afraid to critique other people or speak up to friends when you think something's going wrong or, you know, speak your mind or anything like. like that. But, you know, truth goes for that as well. They don't have to always receive those things. And it's never personal. Well, sometimes critiques are personal. But also, you have to understand what is that relationship to that person and should you take it personally? If you don't care about that person, it's not worth that emotional bandwidth. If you do care about that person, maybe you should take it personally. It's going to be a little challenging for a little bit. But dealing with those challenges,

facing those challenges, facing that critique and understanding like what you want to take on will help you navigate all that. I see it almost as like this revolving door. Okay. So something, a critique comes in. It comes to the revolving door. It starts spinning. It starts spinning. It starts spinning. It gets to the exit. But I choose whether it comes in or not. If I wanted to come in, you know, we stop the revolving doors. It comes in. If not, bitch, that thing's going to keep on spinning. You see what I'm saying. You don't have to take on every single literal thing. You can't pick and choose. highly recommend you get picky about the energy, the critiques, the anything around you that you take on personally. How you feel personally, how you feel internally is so important. Having a

balance to that is so important. Emotional regulation, internal regulation. And if you don't have the bandwidth to take some things on, absolutely. You know, if your friend comes to you with a real critique and you're like, thank you so much for saying that. It might take five to seven days for me to process it but I appreciate you saying it that's okay but you don't have to take everything on I like being single but everyone keeps asking me when I'll be in a relationship great you got to have a good one-liner okay when people ask you things about your personal life that feel a little bit too pushy whether it's like so what are you planning to do with your life or um so what is your career goals or when will you be in a relationship you got to have a one good one liner that

like not puts them in their place, but it directly answers their question without it being open-ended conversation. And then you ask them a question. Okay. So it's like, oh, so what is your career goals? It's like right now I'm working my way up in the company or sometimes you can be honest as fuck depending on who you're talking to and go, I don't fucking know. When it comes to the relationship question, when the right person comes along, when the right person makes himself known or right now I'm just focused on myself. The right person will come along eventually. essentially one good one-liner will solve that issue immediately people have been conditioned to interact with others especially older people I've noticed like 50 plus have been conditioned to interact with younger people in a very generic sense where there's like five questions you ask them which is

like when are you going to get a relationship or if you're in a relationship when are you going to have kids or when you get married or what's your career goals or what are you doing with your life like that's all they ask you so having good one-liners and also like knowing that's probably what they're going to ask you really makes that process much easier. And then instead of like letting them just keep picking you apart, flipping the question back on them. So how are you doing? What have you been up to?

Are there any hobbies you're engaging in? You know, what's the best thing that happened to you this week? Like, flip it on them. The conversation doesn't always have to be about you. And it's a great way to kind of like get the pressure off of you a little bit. But yeah, the relationship one, especially when you're single, you're like, baby, I don't, I don't want to hear about it. I'll be in a relationship.

obviously when the right person comes along. How to pick your battles in a relationship? You got to choose wisely. And this goes for battles of life. Okay. If you're going to cause a commotion. If you're going to, this is when I say like your word should hold meaning.

I am a non-confrontational ass bitch. Like I don't like confrontation. I don't like calling people out. I don't like, you know, I don't like being mean. I don't like any of those things. But if I have to, I will.

and me being a non-confrontational person. I don't make waves. I don't cause problems. I don't, you know, I'm not chaotic. I'm not mean. I'm not aggressive. I'm not any of these things to like people around me. So when I am, people take it seriously.

So I said you got to pick and choose your battles. If you are constantly at war, no one will take you fucking seriously when there's actually a problem. Okay. The girl who cried wolf, whatever it's called. If you're constantly like wolf, wolf, wolf, wolf, wolf, wolf. and there's never a wolf, people aren't going to believe you when there is one. And this is when it talks about like compromising relationships.

And when I say relationships is a very broad, generalized term of like, okay, relationships of friendships, coworkers, random people on the street and romantic relationships, parental relationships, family relationships. Like there's so many relationships you're going to have in life and I never like to just knock it down to love and romance. But when it comes to picking and choosing your battles or like what is worth a battle in a relationship, you have to ask yourself if A, you're going to be heard and B, if it's worth making a commotion over. If you're not going to be heard, I don't think it's worth making commotion over.

And also, dare I say, if you're not going to be heard, why are you in that position? That's a big thing, okay? Especially in romantic relationships, no matter of the issue, whether I'm complaining over the lack of toilet paper in the house that no one shop for or, say, it's something bigger like you can't speak to me that way it's like you know you have to be heard when you bring things up especially in friendships relationships good positive relationships when you bring something up you should be heard but also you got to ask like how much it means to you me personally I communicate everything if it's going to make me upset like if something's making me upset

it's usually something that's like worth speaking up over because I'm not upset by much like I said I don't really muddy the water as much I'm a non-confrontational person I like to keep things positive I like to keep things the light. So when things are bothering me, I know that it's something that I should probably say something about. But also sometimes I understand like I'm just in a pissy mood. Okay. And everything's pissing me off.

And I'm aware of that mood. So I'm not going to bring it up. If it's something I see more than a couple times, yeah, I'll start a battle over that. You know, it's worth talking about, it's worth communicating about.

It's worth saying it's making me upset. If it's something that's constantly coming up. If it's like generally making my life hard, if it's generally hurting the other person. If it's like an issue that I feel worth bringing up, then yes, I will bring it up. But every day can't be a battle. There can't be a battle every single day.

You got to let go of some things. You got to let go of small things. You got to compromise here and there. You got to understand some people are the way they are. Now you don't have to have them in your life. If it's like a constant battle with somebody, I don't think your relationship with somebody should be a constant battle. That is a problem.

But in romantic relationships, you've got to make sure you're in a relationship where no matter how big or small or even if you are in a pissy mood and you're kind of like just going to war for the hell of it, that you're going to be heard or talk about confrontation, they're going to be like, okay, it doesn't matter. I love you, but it doesn't matter. I hear you, but it doesn't matter. But if I do speak up about something, it's always something that I know is worth speaking up about because it usually is something that is like intensely bothering me and has been bothering me for a while. That's usually when I start those battles. Also in another aspect, I think a lot of you guys are probably very big people pleasers who are afraid to speak up for much, if not anything, for yourself. And dare I say, being at battle with yourself is worse than being at battle with somebody else. So if you not speaking up for yourself is going to cause internal confrontation and internal conflict, it is never worth it. I highly recommend always speaking up for yourself, always standing up for yourself, always starting those battles if they're worth it. to you, but you cannot let people get away with shit. Otherwise, it's going to cause a great divide

in your heart, and I don't want that to happen. Okay, every day can't be a battle out externally, but every day can't be a battle internally. There's like, got to be a balance to it all. Speak up when it needs to be said, okay, if something's been continuously bothering you, stand on business for yourself. If it means something to you, it means something to you. And that's worth saying compromise is going to happen but that can come through communication of just like understanding different people's perspectives and understanding how different people operate but you not speaking up is usually generally worse than speaking up how to stop being self-destructive example vaping toxic boys doom scrolling i can't stop that's because giving into negative behaviors is

so much easier than giving into positive ones so like baby i can't blame you i can't blame you i can't blame you i I had like, when I was in like my deepest, darkest depression, I had the worst coping mechanisms known to man. It's like, oh, I'm sad. Let me make me feel sadder. So it's almost like when you, and it's so funny how we do this. Or it's like, I'm doing the wrong thing. Let me do more wrong things. Or I feel bad about what I'm doing. Let me do it more often. It's because, you know, you know it's the wrong thing, but it's still giving you dopamine, period point, but like, doom scrolling, laying in bed all day. hanging out with toxic men who drive you fucking insane, you know, who give you those emotional highs and lows, highs, lows, high lows, or vaping or overconsuming alcohol, overconsuming anything, online shopping, like all these things that are deemed like negative, bad habits.

We talked about this last week, but the more you self-pity, the worse it's going to get because self-pity is not going to help you grow. Putting yourself down is not going to help you grow. Being like, I'm just a lazy piece of shit is not going to. help you grow. Acceptance of what you're doing is step number one, but you have to accept it in a neutral sense of like, I'm human. Of course I'm going to get addicted to this bad thing that's meant to be addicting. I'm just human. I'm human. Okay. Of course, this negative thing that gives me dopamine is obviously going to get me hooked on it because it's giving me dopamine. Okay. The steps you take are realistically, you know, what can we replace it with? All right. Let's start,

let's start game planning. Let's start goal, goal, explain. and what are some like little things we can replace it with? So maybe it's like small little challenges. You can keep the toxic boyfriend. You can keep the vape glued to your hand. You can keep the doom scrolling. But you have to add in five minutes of reading. That's it.

That's it. You're like, but what do you mean? I'm supposed to be giving up all these things. Well, yeah. But you have to train your brain to start seeking out positive dopamine. And you're not going to do that by getting rid of all the dopamine you have. that's going to push you into further darker avenues, it's actually going to start with introducing your brain

to what it feels like to receive positive dopamine. Positive dopamine is also kind of like an extended release where you might not feel the dopamine immediately, but you will feel it the next day. You know, you will feel it a couple hours later when you want to pick up a book again, when you want to do more positive things for yourself, when you start seeing the effects of it all.

It's like going to the gym. When you're at the gym, you're like, this fucking sucks. I hate it. No one actually enjoys this. Why is everybody here? You know, oh, it's supposed to be good for me. Oh, it's supposed to be good for me. Actually, this fucking sucks.

Why am I here? But then you leave and you go home and you shower and you sit down and you're like, wow, I'm actually like getting a little bit of like a runner's high here. Or, ooh, my bones feel sore. My joints feel sore. My muscles feel sore. But like in a really good way right now. I'm feeling good, you know.

It's going to be that extended release. you have to train your brain to start seeking out positive things in order to replace them, but you can't just like cold turkey the dopamine or else you're only going to seek dopamine in ways you know how to, which is in negative manners. So I'm not going to blame you or shame you or hate on you for falling into negative like coping mechanisms. Baby, I've been there. I've been there. We talked last week about Scorpio Venus retrograde when the last time it happened was 2018. November 2018 talk about negative coping mechanisms. I was drinking and partying like no other. I was

addicted to Molly. I was going to raves at least three times a week. I was partying in places I shouldn't have been partying. I was partying with like 35 year olds. I also was 18. Hello, I dropped out of college. I was in the worst most toxic abusive relationship of my life. I had the absolute worst anorexia I've ever had in my entire life. It was bad. It was like bad coping mechanism after bad after bad, bad, bad dopamine after bad after bad. It was a bad place. But seeing where I am now, I didn't grow out of that place by, you know, dropping all of those things and forcing myself to pick up 18 positive good things. It was a very, very slow transition of, you know what, let's stop hanging out with these people. Okay. Now I have some more free time. What do I do with that free time? Let me throw

myself into art school. Let me sign up for art school. Let me get something new and positive going on in my life. Okay. Let's break up with a fucking boyfriend. Damn, that helped tremendously. Jesus Christ. Then all of a sudden, I'm not doing Molly anymore. Then all of a sudden, I'm not drinking all the time. Then all of a sudden, I'm not doing anything. But then I'm starting to seek more positive things in your life. I truly believe that shame doesn't help anybody grow. Shame really doesn't. It's going to push you into a sadder, more depressed version of yourself. But acceptance really goes a long way of just like, it's okay to accept when you're in a bad place. It's okay. It's okay. We all get in bad places sometimes. It's okay to be like, actually, I don't want to be here.

And then slowly starting to implement positive things, it'll help you seek out more positive things. And naturally, it'll help you once you release the negative thing. Oh, God. I. I always ask what the vibe is for the week and this person said, uh, well, my boyfriend has a porn addiction and was emotionally cheating on me with a coworker. Uh, well, I hope you packed up all his shit. I hope you threw it on the curb. Nope, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nope. You know you need to leave him. You know he needs to be exercised from your life. You need an exorcism. Okay. And it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It is his fault because he is a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit. All right. He is a lustful. Me with my

cross on he's lustful get him out of your life no but i think that that's a very dangerous position for you to be in somebody who is untrustworthy having anybody who's untrustworthy in your life is a dangerous position to be in especially if it's a romantic partner so i highly recommend you kick him to the curb so he can go gallivant around like the whore he is and you can go back to living peacefully and quietly all right when people show you their true colors you have to take them at face value and even if you're getting done dirty like that's just who they are okay it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them being a horrible, awful person. That is how you have to take being done dirty.

Every single time, I have been done dirty by friends. I've been done dirty by lovers. I've been done dirty by many people in my life. And every single time, you know, you have that inkling to be like, but was it me? No, it's not you. It's not you. There isn't more sex you could have given him. There is not more, more intimacy you could have given him.

There is not more, more, more, more you could have given him to fix him. Okay. You are not his mother. you are not a therapist you are not a mind bender okay you're not a priest you cannot exercise the demon from his body but you can get him the fuck about it your life all right when people show you they're they're evil horrible awful people untrustworthy unkind not friendly not friendly not friendly not they're wearing a vest with a sticker that says not friendly do not pet you do not have to keep them in your life okay unless you want a horrible awful person in your life but i do not think you do i know you don't

because you know you don't deserve that. And so I also am kind of, I'm evil too, where it's like if you give me a chance to be evil, you give me an excuse to do it, I will. Like I said, Dreamhanna throwing all that shit over the balcony. That's exactly what I probably do in real life. You got to give me an excuse, though. I'm not just going to act out. But if I were you, I would be acting out.

I would be acting out to a unnatural level. Absolutely. But yes, when you're done dirty, you have to take that on face. value and be like, you know what, that's just who they are. He is a gross, nasty person, but you do not have to share your life with a gross, nasty person. Please free yourself of that burden, all right? And I love you. I'm so sorry you're going through this hard time. Some people can be truly evil and awful, but the beauty of life is getting to choose who is around us. X's sad boy posting on Pinterest over me getting a new partner. You know what, you know what. You know what.

you got to let people act out however they need to act out. Sad boy posting will always be embarrassing. It's like when somebody's like, I am getting off social media, real ones have my phone number. It's like, baby, you did not need to post that to your private story or your public story, to be honest.

Like, you can go through it and you can go through it in private without announcing it to the world. Like, it's just attention-seeking behavior. And in fact, when you see attention-seeking behavior, the number one thing I can recommend you doing is not engaging. Number one thing I could recommend you doing in general is completely blocking your ex on all all platforms.

There's no reason for you to run into his Pinterest for some fucking reason or see his sad boy playlist. There's no need for you to like even see that or engage with it. But sometimes it does happen and you know, people are going to lash out however they deem necessary. And if that means he's sad boy posting, then he's sad boy posting. that he's sad boy posting about his ex. That's very Scorpio Venus coded. You know, it's like, okay, we do not need to be, you know,

posting lyric collages on Pinterest about how you miss your ex in which they would come back. But they found someone better in your piece of shit. Of course, they found someone better. It's like, oh my God, get over yourself. Get over yourself. You know, I hate to see someone make that, like, torment themselves. Venus retrograde, this, you know,

Scorpio retrograde, number one piece of advice I can give you. Do not torment yourself. You are not meant to suffer. You do not need to suffer. Suffering is not necessary. You do not need to suffer to feel love. You do not need to suffer to feel yourself. Suffering is not good.

You should not force yourself to suffer. No one else should force you to suffer. Please release the suffering, this Venus retrograde begging you. October 3rd, October 3rd. This is your last warning you have until October 3rd. And we have a full moon coming up. So if you want to be adequately prepared for that, join the Patreon. That write-up will be coming soon.

Also, it is the fall equinox. So I will be sharing my full fall bucket list as well as my top horror movies slash fall movies to watch plus fall equinox rituals, habits, things like that, plus early vlogs, plus exclusive Patreon episodes, podcast episodes every single Thursday. You guys, I try and make it worth your money. I understand how much is. dollar goes in this fucking economy trust so your four dollars five dollars whatever it is i'm making sure you are getting the most bang for your buck mood boards collages tips tricks to live sunday spirit journal prompts affirmations we did this sunday it's fabulous it's fun it's sexy

it's cool but you just being here's enough support for me thank you to all the new people listening wow wow wow we lots of new people hey hi how are you happy to have you here thank you for joining much, much more to come. But if you want to submit your questions, if you're like, how the fuck are people submitting questions? Do so over on my Instagram at Hannah Marlene. I upload a questionnaire every single Sunday to my Instagram story,

but you can always DM me there or email me. I have people emailing me. You, however you find me, let me know, girl. I will try and answer to the best of my ability, but I do really just grab intuitively to what I feel like most people are asking about. You can also see just general things I'm up to, plus recipes. Apple Hand Pie will be up. It sounds weird.

Apple Hand Pie. Anyways, Apple Hand Pie recipe will be up this week as well as a butternut squash, mac and cheese recipe. Vlog will be out this Sunday at Hannah Marley 444. But yes, you guys, please for the love of God, do one thing that makes you feel sexy this week and do one thing that makes you feel sane this week. And with that being said, stay sane, stay sexy and I'll see you all so soon.