Smoke Sesh - healing your inner teen, perfectionism, and minding your own business

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

happy Tuesday everyone! I hope you’re all having an amazing start to the week, we have a full episode today to kick the week off on a good start. we talk everything from finding alone time, dating yourself, my Spotify and music I’m listening to, healing your inner teen- what that looks like, and releasing your anger. We also talk poetry, turning 19, compatibility, heartbreak, escaping perfectionism and embracing the ugliness of being human, quitting nicotine, body hair & pussy eating, favorite way to smoke, minding your own business and staying out of drama, and finally healing is hard, but we all have to do it. I’m hoping to be back Thursday with a little extra special pod episode so I will hopefully see you at the end of the week. If you have any questions for me please send them to my insta @ hannahmarlene and I will see you soon ! MUAH!

Listen, everybody needs a fairy godmother, you know, just somebody to look out for them. Some people call me their fairy smoke mother, others their internet big sister, but you can call me Hannah, the host of Smoke Sash. So come hang out, let's light up and talk everything there is to life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, I've got a story for it all. Hello everybody, long time no see. how the hell are we all doing this week? Are we doing good? Are we feeling good? I'm feeling optimistic. I just got to my apartment. As you guys know, like a month ago, my AC broke and it

was broken for like two weeks. Like it was insane. Well, it's broken again. So I'm having to deal with that right now i just got back to my apartment they said they were gonna fix it yesterday did not happen so hoping and praying and praying and hoping that you know they get out here and fix that shit soon um but you know when shit like this happens and it's out of my control there is literally no point in you know worrying or freaking out over it that's not gonna help anything stressing out like this is someone else's problem that they need to fix sure it's a little bit you know it inconveniences me a little bit but i can work around it i can find new ways to go about things it's not a huge issue so gentle reminder for everybody if there's things that are

happening outside of your control take a deep breath you'll be okay i promise you'll get through it um and to only work with what you can honestly work with um if it's out of your control it's out of your control point blank but i do have some good news for everybody hoodies will be shipped to you by the end of this week ah i know i know isn't that so exciting they all just got to me so i will be packaging up all your orders um and they will be shipping to you with by the end of this week by friday saturday um i have the mornings off the rest of this week so i should be able to knock them out of the park um packaging writing little cute notes whatever it is um and they will be sent to you and they should be to you soon so very exciting things i can't wait for us to all

wear matching smoke sesh hoodies and just in time for like the cooler weather like i woke up this morning and it was 76 i don't remember the last time it was 76 here like the weather is getting a little colder now we're we're dipping our toes into the fall season you know what i mean and these are gonna be perfect for that i cannot wait um that being said i will be doing another little small drop if you did miss the hoodie drop there'll be a small drop um after i get all the orders shipped of course then i'll have to go through what i have left and update the quantities on my website so keep an eye out for that on my instagram that is where i will be updating you guys on what's happening where to find it where to buy that is the place to go you already know

my Instagram is at Hannah Marlene. And also we have a lot of new listeners that are joining us here. So hello to the new like 1500 people that started listening. Welcome. I hope you're enjoying Smoke Sash. It is so wonderful to have you here. And if you are a reoccurring listener, there is a shit ton of you as well. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for joining me again this episode will be a trip that is for sure um i also spent my entire week last week working on a vlog for my patreon so patreon girlies if you haven't checked the patreon in a while there's a little vlog up for you about like it's like a 35 minute vlog so it's really not little um but there's a little thing up for you there i have i i've been debating new ways to go

about like video content and stuff like that so there might be some updates coming shortly so stay tuned but if you are a patreon member that is the place to go um with that being said not a whole lot of updates to uh give you guys i thought i broke my pinky at work because i slammed it in the bar cooler it honestly might be broken i can't like super bend it correctly i don't know if i've fucked up the joint it's super bruised i can't get my ring off um but i slammed it in the bar cooler fucked up my pinky um didn't make any money that's this weekend that's okay it ate up 24 hours of my life but that's fine we're moving on bigger and better things you know what i mean um but yeah i've just been working and working and trying to get content out to you guys

and get these hoodies figured out and yeah things are things are coming together i'm feeling real good how are you guys feeling the new moon was uh what was it 27th um so i'm sure we're all feeling a little bit drained a little bit tired a little bit lethargic but i can feel the energy returning back to me thank fucking god if you didn't get a new moon ritual in that's okay okay usually on new moons and full moons i like forget it's even like the day of and i don't do anything because i'm usually like overwhelmed with my emotions and how i'm feeling naturally so you can do this anytime like those practices those rituals you can do those anytime that you need like a cathartic experience and on my patreon i talked a little bit about um some new moon rituals one of them

which i have done before when you're feeling a little bit more hopeful a little bit more inspired you want to you want to act on a positive note you um write down your aspirations things you want to do things you want to come true and you put on a piece of paper fold it up put it in one of your potted plants and water it so then the plant flourishes life from those ideas those thoughts those things as you take care of that plant another way to go about it if you're in a little bit more of like a rage mood like felt as a woman i think we can all feel that um but you know write down everything you want to release you want to get rid of um you want to banish from your fucking life on a little piece of paper and burn that shit burn it burn it get rid of it make

sure there is no piecing it back together there is no backtracking there is no having that enter your reality again burn that shit but that's what i did this full moon very cathartic very fun and i was literally at work for the full moon so i did it on like a receipt and i went outside for like a quote-unquote smoke break and then just like set it on fire and i was like okay cathartic for a second now i have to go back to work but yeah i haven't really been up to a lot i'm in desperate need of like some travel here soon i want to i don't know get on a plane get in my car go somewhere um i'm hoping i can can convince my boyfriend to do so soon as well because i'm ready to change up my environment a little bit um kansas is fun but i want to see

some new things um and living in kansas is great because i can just hop on a plane fly wherever i need to go for honestly pretty cheap pretty fucking cheap so if you have any good ideas good travel places easy travel places places that you have loved let me know hit me up in the dms would love to hear from you but with that being said let's dive into some questions you already know the drill but to be fair let's smoke a bowl before we do so you know set the mood set the scene as one may say okay my apartment was way too effing hot so i am now at my boyfriend's we are about to just just smoke a little just a little bit you know get into it um so oh my god my boyfriend and left a bowl loaded. What an angel. Anyways, let's hit this and then let's dive into some

questions. Cheers. Oh yeah. All right. Also, if you're new to the podcast, I post a questionnaire on my instagram once a week usually on sunday or monday i've been really busy and forgetting sundays lately so apologies um this week it was on monday but my instagram is at hannah marlene if you ever have a question just send her on over there okay let's see someone asked how to make more alone time for yourself um i i personally just have a lot of alone time well not as much as i could because i'm with my boyfriend a lot so if you find yourself like constantly around your partner constantly around like friends or roommates and you're craving that alone time um you really just have to start looking at the time that you have free and make use of it so

like my mornings have become my new thing i used to never have mornings i would never be able to wake up and enjoy myself and enjoy my day but my schedule kind of shifted and i was all of a sudden met with like five six hours before i worked and i would just like sit around and do nothing because i wasn't used to it but then i had to realize like okay this is the time where i have the most me time and if i want to have the most me time then i really need to utilize this moment so i've really just been honoring mornings lately say it's the opposite so you wake up you immediately go to work um you can really just make use of the time after you work to really you know focus on yourself and try and do something with yourself so if it's like a roommate thing or you live with a partner or you

live with family and your home is not really a great alone space try and think of like activities to do with yourself the same way that you would like think of activities to do with a partner or a friend what do you want to do with yourself what do you want to go try what's been on your mind lately what's something that's piqued your interest go for it go try it something with me i have been trying to be more adamant about reading so i have been going the only way i can read is if i like force myself to sit down and i have no distractions and i can't do that in my house because i will just like grab my phone instead which is unhealthy you need to combat that so i've been um in the morning just going to a coffee shop going to either my favorite coffee

shop or like a new one that i want to try and just getting a little coffee and sitting down and trying to finish a little bit of my book every time and um you know utilize that time with myself um you can join a new class you can try a new hobby um there's tons and tons and tons of groups and people that are getting together um if you just kind of look for them i promise you will find them um and even those times where they are maybe a group activity like say you go and try pottery say you're going to a workout class say you're anything you know it is a group setting sure but it is a great time to bond that relationship with yourself um because you are going and ultimately not knowing anybody there at first um but yeah i don't know i think it's

very easy to make alone time for yourself and also i should say that you know if you're maybe always around people when you express that need for alone time they really it's like no reason to take it personally and they really shouldn't take it personally and they should try and support you um there's always time for friends there's always time for partners but you do need to you know strengthen that relationship with yourself as much as you're strengthening you know the relationship with other people um and i would say just kind of make that known like be like hey i'm gonna go do this with myself tonight but i hope you guys have a great night you know very simple let them know so they're not like why are they becoming all of a sudden avoidant and not

speaking to me it's like no it's not you i just want to go hang out with myself for a night and like boom that's totally fine absolutely you know what i mean someone asked do you have any cute present or date ideas for a romantic partner love you um i do what are some things i've done i since i'm an artist i've i've done a lot of art for my current partner um i remember before we dating he like moved into a new place and so i made some paintings for his house um which was super fun to do and it's you know creative it's thoughtful it's a great way to gift somebody something that's you know not super expensive but it comes from the heart like love anybody made me anything like i'm obsessed it's just the fact that you're putting time and thought and

effort into the whatever it is that makes it special you know no one wants to go have their boyfriend's mom buy them something and then wrap it for them and then give it to the boyfriend so the boyfriend can then just hand it over because they know it'll be good because their mom picked it or something like my friend had a partner who was like that and it just made it so surface level like you don't care about me enough to go think about me just a little bit outside of the time that we're together um and really put some thought into you know what's happening and it kind of hurts so i would say best rule of thumb is to just you know it's not about the monetary value it's really all about like the experience and the time and effort put into it like for dates like i

don't care about a thousand dollar dinner in a penthouse fucking view over whatever city paid for exclusive like i don't care about that shit because i like the monetary value doesn't matter I care more about being able to connect with you and talk to my partner and get to know them and build that relationship and strengthen it um and that can happen anywhere okay you can pack a cute little five dollar picnic and go out and enjoy the last bits of summer if you're in um the midwest there's tons of sunflower fields right now you know go out experience a worldly activity and just enjoy each other's company i think that's the best way to kind of go about dates um so trying something new um maybe going to a museum something that sparks conversation that sparks ideas there's

so many free museums too um which are super great or like an aquarium like anything like that is so fun and special because the experience is not or the bonding is not based on the experience so to say as something as like something you know just expensive is um the bonding is based on you two and and the interaction between you two and how that goes um gift ideas yeah more thought put into it the better um you know make something get creative with it do a little photo collage i don't know um what else have i done oh i pierced my boyfriend's ears when we like first met i don't know he just really wanted his ears pierced so i ordered piercing needles and did it so for like valentine's day one year i got him this like really cute

trinket box it's like vintage metal and like red velvet trinket box and i got him a few pairs of like really nice vintage sterling um earrings and that was super fun funky fresh you know what i mean but really just put thought to the person and think about who they are and what they would appreciate um i think that's the best way to go about that someone asked what my spotify is my spotify if you look up smoke sash one word one word you'll see a picture of me in a bunny hat and that is my spotify keep in mind there is no organization what so fucking ever i just like randomly start new playlists once another playlist gets old um or like too full and i will just throw all the music i'm listening to at that current point in time in my life in those

playlists and they're not titled by anything specific they're all just pretty random um and there's no organization or coherency whatsoever i need to make that clear before you're like why is there the saddest song ever followed by a black eyed pea song there's no thought it's just in the moment add to a playlist because i didn't understand the like feature when i first started making them and now i am too far deep to really switch over so but the current playlist i'm listening to um is called hello sun and it's one word but i'm getting the urge to start a new one soon because i feel like my music taste is starting to switch up toward towards a more fall experience you know what i mean

someone asked how do you nurture your inner teen and actually i have really been thinking about this lately because we are starting to fall back into the 2013 to 2016 type of behaviors and styling and dressing and you know the the trends of the tumblr time one might say and in 2013 to 2016 i was 13 to 16 years old my age usually matches up with the year um and here's the thing there is concerns i have with that absolutely but there's also like this part of me that is very very excited and I think that part of me I guess would be considered my inner teen because here's the thing that time for me I was so young I had full access of the internet and I had untreated mental

health issues so it to be fair it was a very hard time for me and I feel like I'm almost getting a chance to kind of like redo it in a sense no i'm not 13 or 14 or 15 or 16 um no tumblr isn't big right now and like people aren't wearing like the little movie theater glasses and have mustaches on everything like no but there are similarities and that grungeness is kind of falling back into trend and into style and it's exciting because I loved that time like it was a very interesting time and style and that was the time when I was probably online the most and like into trends and what's going on and paying attention to that the most that it's like I studied it and now this year and coming up I can kind of really deep dive into it and experience it how I would

like to have experienced it instead of just like experienced it online um and like in online settings if that makes any sort of sense not that i was like chronically online but i think we can all kind of understand the hold that tumblr and oh my god people are screaming outside that tumblr had on people in that day and age and i feel like it's the same kind of hold that tiktok has on people right now so when it comes to healing my inner teen I really just want to jump into all of the thoughts and the ideas and the dreams and the wishes that I had at 13 and I wasn't able to do because I was 13 but now that I'm 23 like I'm able to do them so like the places I want to go the things I wanted to experience the way I wanted to present myself

to the world I can do that now I have the means to do that now I have money I have my own place I have my own time I whatever I truly invest my energy in is things that I want to do and it's kind of exciting it's like this freedom and I mean that freedom is just considered adulthood you know what I mean and although we're still kind of um we're all still kind of trying to figure it out your 20s is all about trying to simply figure it out i still want to you know kind of just release that anger that your inner teen has been holding on to does that make sense i feel like i was so emo i was just so sad and angry and frustrated at the world and i wanted to scream so loudly at everybody and everything but i couldn't and i wouldn't and now now is the

time to scream and yell and shout a little bit because when we hold that stuff in and when we kind of build those walls up that we're kind of taught to do at that young age um we become like really good at constantly putting walls up being and being like resistant to love and creating masks to hide the fact that you were being hurt or simply begging everybody else to love you your inner teen is the one that's holding on to all that anger resentment and hate towards the people that didn't protect you when you were a child or the things that you fell victim to so now that we're older and we have the means to kind of explore those ideas have a little bit more emotional intelligence like now's the time to do so and it's okay to be angry it's okay to

be upset we just cannot hold on to those things for forever because it does a lot more harm than it does good and it's funny because the same time that i'm kind of realizing these ideals and like that i need to work on you know healthily releasing anger and frustration um the like trends and the styles that were big in 2013 2016 tumblr times are coming back like cut off jean shorts were huge this summer like rip frayed jean shorts the like grunge kind of fairy aesthetic is coming back lots of deep maroon do you remember that like dark maroon lipstick that everybody was wearing like everybody had it bitch i had it like that's coming back the smudged eyeliner look the kind of like more ugly than picture perfect kind of look um all of that's coming back i mean of

course with also the horrible things that people kind of romanticize as well I'm seeing a lot of that on TikTok which is super sad um and it is from a younger audience so I get it because I mean I was that way that way when I was young and I wish I would have been smart enough to realize like I have a choice in what I participate in and I don't need to participate in things that are like willingfully trying to hurt me um so if you're a young person on the internet just try and stay away from any type of content that you know encourages negative behaviors towards yourself I think it's very important to be self-aware of that um that even though it's an algorithm and it's a for you page sometimes it's not made for you and you can choose to you know

skip it and move on um I don't know it's exciting because you know when I was younger I only had like two of the three or two or three stylish things out of the I mean million things that were stylish because I had to go to my mom and be like hey can I can I buy this and she'd be like no no but now that you know have my own means have my own you know interest in how I dress myself and what I buy and stock my closet with I'm very excited and expressing um new ways and kind of diving into that inner teen style while also like working on myself and working on um maybe things that i wasn't able to work on when i was younger things that i need to revisit because i i haven't been able to revisit them um dealing with so much emotional work that i have been you know focusing

on from when i was younger younger like a kid now i think i've graduated and i need to move on to the teenhood of um you know looking inward and my experiences there but it's very similar the way you go about healing your inner child i feel like is very very similar to the way you go about healing your inner teen just focus on what was going on at the time what you were dealing with and what the repercussions of that stuff might have been and how it's affecting you now um while also giving into those indulges that maybe you were not allowed to express or didn't feel comfortable expressing um now is the time to express those freely openly fully um there's nothing more like there's no one more like kind of present in the world than teenagers i think

and i think we can all understand that because like as a server and as somebody who's constantly around just the general public they come in and they do not care and they do not care in the best way possible like they're not not caring where it's like annoying and mean and rude they're just being themselves and being open and being who they are and i think that's a lesson that we can all learn and i'll practice a little bit more of but very exciting things i'm very excited for the kind of style switch this summer um if you didn't see emma chamberlain's like new photo shoot for what is it aritzia i've never shopped there i don't know if i ever would that bitch they're so expensive like and all the stuff you can find elsewhere for much much cheaper because half of it

is just basics um but she did a photo shoot for aritzia because i think she's doing a line with them but like the school girl plaid look with a dark sweater and the bleach blonde hair um and the long braids that was like the look in what was it 2016 like that was the vibe like american apparel was selling like i still have my american apparel school girl skirt um so it's so funny to see it kind of 360 and return back to i mean trends come and go but they'll always come back you know what i mean um but i think that photo shoot was when i really realized okay like this is this is where we're going this is where we're heading um we're gonna see a lot more of this here to come someone asked if i have any poetry book recommendations and i actually do this one

is um i think the only poetry book on my shelf honestly but it's called how to cure a ghost i'm to butcher her name i'm so sorry but it's called or it's by fariha rozen um rozen roizen i could be wrong i know i'm butchering that for sure actually um but it's a poetry compilation recounting a woman's journey from self-loathing to self-acceptance confusion to clarity and bitterness to forgiveness um but it's um a poetry book collection of her thoughts as a young queer muslim femme navigating the difficulties of her intersectionality simultaneously this compilation unpacks the connection oh my god i'm butchering this simultaneously this compilation unpacks the contentious relationships that exist between her and her mother her platonic and

romantic heartbreaks and the cognitive dissonance felt as a result of being so divided among her broad spectrum of identities super good great illustrations great artwork very touching and i recommend it for everybody hi hannah so i've recorded this a million fucking times so hopefully this is a good one anyways so i'm turning 19 in a few weeks for go season you know love it and you but I feel like I have missed out on a lot of like teenage experiences I moved out at 16 and I was my own teacher my own parent kind of just going through a lot at such a young age and I feel like I really missed out on like the peak of my teenage years and so this is a very bittersweet moment last year as a teenager I don't really know what the fuck to do so any advice for someone

who is turning 19 last year of the teenage years and going to college anything helps love you 19 was actually such a good year for me um I had dropped out of college I had it wasn't my first time like kind of being alone in the world because I had been that way since 17 when I went to college um but I had dropped out of college I was working full-time at a restaurant I was surrounded by older people and older experiences but that innate childlike sense to me was still there because I was not an adult and I should not be doing adult things at at 19 anyways like I should not have been doing the 30 year old things that my co-workers were doing at 19 and I'm thankful for them for not getting me involved and corrupting me at a super young age because like yeah i was

getting in trouble i was doing fun things but they weren't like 30 year old things nor do i think you should be shooting to trying to achieve an adult type life at 19 you're a kid fact of the matter is you are a kid okay and that's okay that's important that is special hold on to it for just that little bit that you have left and really honor it and honor trying new things and trying new experiences and enjoying your life at this stage that it is in stop trying to make things move faster for you okay you have a hundred years on this earth and it feels like it goes really slow but at the end of the day it flies fucking by so just enjoy the experiences while you have it um like i said this is kind of your last year of childhood like yeah you're a teenager you're

almost 20 but like even 20 you are still very very young um even like 25 you are still very young but 19 honor that childlike sense about you honor that curiosity honor that wonder honor that um interest to navigate the world interest to um get creative interest to get into a little bit of trouble a little bit okay it's okay to get in trouble but not a lot all right i don't want anybody going to jail that is that does not need to happen at 19 um but just have fun be with your friends be out in the world be a little bit open um be kind to yourself i think those are all very important lessons and um kind of a way to go about 19 but 19 really was a great year and i think you'll have a great time oh this is an interesting question um at what point do disagreements in

relationships lead to you not being compatible with each other um okay good question fantastic fantastic question even disagreements i think can range from you guys just you know going at it a little bit getting a little you know not like going at it but like you know debating a little bit you guys can debate ideas that's totally fine totally valid you can do that with friends too and it can be amicable and no one can have hurt feelings and you can just be having a conversation but then there's like the the big disagreements where you know tears ensue and not talking and it causes like drastic um changes in feeling if that's happened happening often and happening constantly then i don't think you're compatible with each other

and like what are you gonna do go to couples therapy a year into a relationship like sometimes you just aren't compatible with each other and you need to understand that and you need to look elsewhere um relationships aren't going to be peaceful all the time um there's gonna be ups there's gonna be downs that's totally fine that's normal that's healthy but it should not be a constant up and down up and down up and down like a roller coaster does that make sense because you know like a roller coaster your anxiety is going to increase your fear is going to increase you do not want a roller coaster relationship you want like a like a lazy river relationship you know what i mean where there's like a little up every once in a while and a little down every once in a

while but but like a majority of the time you're just chilling having a good time i don't know if that was a accurate description you know what i'm trying to get at but little disagreements here and there i think that's totally fine you should be able to you know um have disagreements in a relationship um and work through them and do it you know mutually and do it without like hurting each other but if there's hurt coming along with it and it's happening often then i just think the compatibility is not there and that's okay hey hannah um i just woke up and i'm literally sobbing anyways me and my boyfriend of two years just broke up last night because we just like things just weren't going well and we just need time to ourselves and like we told each other that

in the future like um if we ever want to talk about it again we can but like right definitely for like a while we need to be by ourselves and i just like how do i not get jealous when he is gonna like move on and like do stuff with other people like what if we do move back up and he's like yeah i did fuck this girl and that girl and it's like like what do i do because like i don't know how to not be like jealous like that makes me want to like die like i literally had a dream last night that he like fucked some girl and i'm literally sobbing hi babes i love you i'm sending you encouraging positive vibes through my words to you directly into your brain in your heart but okay okay i love you i love you but the only way to move on

and to not care is to not keep tabs on this person anymore and if you're a psycho crazy girl like me which it seems like we're very similar because you literally had a dream of him cheating on you or sleeping with other girls and you woke up sobbing like been there been there like crazy psycho behavior you have to put boundaries up with yourself and when you know you're like the kind of person be like let me check on them block like you just have to put that hard boundary up so you're unable to engage in those kind of harmful behaviors against yourself so the best thing that I can honestly tell you to do is even if you guys are going to one day meet back up and talk it out and you know get together again that's not gonna be like I hate to say this but that's not gonna

be if at all for a couple years because you guys need time to learn and to grow and to discover yourself and in order for you to learn and to grow and to discover yourself you need to focus on yourself and you need to relearn how to put all attention on yourself instead of some attention on you and some attention on another person because you guys are in a partnership the partnership is gone that's okay now you can focus on the partnership with yourself but in order to do that you kind of have to release the ties from him okay and i i mean this with my whole heart you will be so much happier being naive or not naive uh being in the unknown about what he is doing okay if you guys have mutual friends even if like they're just like his friends and you guys happen

to be friends unadd them okay you don't want to see him pop up on someone's story delete them you do not need them in any sort of kind of like social media sphere that you are in um and if you can't do that you can like mute profiles or you can like do I don't know what it's called on Instagram but that's another choice setting where it's like you know you're still following them so you're not really hurting anybody's feelings but they will not show up on your feed and they will not show up um in stories but when it comes to your ex I think you should just full on block so then you are unable to you know go look at what he is doing unless you go through like a 10-step process of attempting to unblock him so just to save yourself extra heartbreak and

extra hurt i think distance is the best possible thing um if you're gonna have him not blocked on somewhere make it his like i i mean like it depends on how far away you want to get i understand you might want to have some close proximity but like i'm a fan of just blocking people on everything including phone numbers but like if you want to have that line of connection open i think that's okay um but you have to understand there might be random texts that come through and kind of set you back we're all human we all make human mistakes it's okay you're gonna make human mistakes you're gonna learn you're gonna grow um but if you can set yourself up with some good boundaries where you know you aren't gonna fall into a trap of hurting yourself a little bit by checking in on

your ex then i think it's totally healthy to do so absolutely such a fan of blocking um and as soon as you kind of remove him from the idea that of like a person that you need to check in on and you start checking in on yourself and you start developing new friends and um doing new things and having new experiences without him that he's unaware of you will fall so much further back into love with yourself and your life and you will forget all about this boy um but i love you you'll get through it i'm so sorry you're going through this i understand how hard it is but the best thing about it is you will get through it you absolutely will someone asked how do i stop reacting in an angry way when people do something wrong um you have to understand that

their behavior is not based on you does that make sense their behavior is based on them once i learned that concept and kind of understood it i and i realized people are a lot more selfish and not like a negative way but people are a lot more focused on themselves in general than they are you i gained a lot more freedom in in general just like from the shackles of other people i gained a lot more mental freedom a lot more physical freedom and it's a concept that you don't really understand until it's brought up so i think anger is a justified response for some things absolutely i think it's okay to be angry um i think a lot more women should be more angry about more things but i also understand the idea of like being angry over everything and trying to

bring yourself some peace and just some you know understanding to yourself it's not your job to figure out motives it's not your job to figure out why somebody is acting some way it's their job to figure that out and honestly most of the time is they just did it because that's what they did and that is how they act and it might be a little different than from how you act and understand things and that's why you don't understand it okay release this idea that you need to know and understand everything um but when people do something wrong i think that's just innate human nature you're gonna mess up um other people are gonna mess up and the best way to go about it is like yeah you can have that initial feeling of anger but let it go and kind of try and look at

it from an outsider's perspective and ask yourself like do it like was this an honest mistake are they still trying are they bettering themselves or is this something that keeps happening and happening and happening and i'm angry because it's like a repetitive thing um when if it's the first thing you know i think that's something you can honestly just let go release allow that person to be a human and if it's something else then maybe that brings up bigger issues within the relationship but ultimately we're all humans we're all gonna make mistakes and when i make mistakes the only thing that i really really appreciate in that time is not forgiveness but simply acceptance and understanding that you know everybody's gonna fuck up every once in a while someone asked how to

fight the need for everything to be perfect this is something that i have really been kind of combating in my mind um because i feel like we have gotten so used to prettiness and perfectness and polishedness and it's kind of exhausting because we as humans no matter how much of a fucking front that we put on that we're these perfect human beings no one is no one absolutely no one is a perfect human being and that's okay because we're gonna make mistakes we need to understand that and we need to you know work with that um but i miss when things are like a little bit ugly and honest and raw and true and i feel like everything has become so polished nowadays and maybe that's because i'm spending too much time online i can't lie um

and i am talking about it from a online perspective and understanding of just like the content that i'm seeing and the things that i'm seeing and this innate need for people to present themselves in a way that's like so perfect um and it's frustrating because we're not that way and it's kind of a weird mask that we're putting on in order to feel superiority or control in our life when in reality i think the true control that comes in our life is when we just release it and we're free and we're open with who we are and we don't care to get a little bit messy and a little bit ugly and to have some acne scars and oh my god the sirens right now even this podcast it's not perfect but i think that's what makes it so real and honest and true it's just a girl on

the internet sharing her experiences and I'm trying to be honest with it and be comfortable in them so you guys can be comfortable in them too and so when it comes to an online perception I'm trying to kind of put more of that out there and kind of break that idea that we need to be so perfect polished clean pretty like of course we can be that sometimes but I feel like when we focus so much on that it it surpasses more than just like an appearance kind of thing and it it seeps into our everyday lives where if we aren't wearing the perfect outfit we're not going to leave the house if our hair isn't looking this certain way we're going to freak out and have to redo it if i'm working on an art piece and it doesn't come out exactly how i want it with every

paint stroke and the exactly an exact right place then i turn it around and i never let anybody see and I never look at it again nor do I work through the process of trying to get to the right place that I want to get to I just give up um and it's frustrating and I think like perfectness is a unachievable standard that none of us are ever going to reach um as I mean ever because it's constantly changing and aspiring to that perfect level is only going to do more harm than good if anything you know i had a podcast called like to be cringes to be free and there's nothing more honest than that um to be yourself to be fully comfortable within yourself and within the ugliness that it might be because who cares it's okay to be a little ugly now and then um that is

true freedom that is true like peak existence if that makes any sort of sense um but yeah i miss when things were were ugly and a little bit messy and a little bit gross like there's so so much realness in that there's more realness in that than there is this picture perfect ideal that everybody's aspiring to be right now um just be a little human okay there's nothing wrong in hey Hannah how you doing I've been a fan for a while now ever since the TikTok has started and I am also a Starbucks barista and I have to ask you mentioned Starbucks in one of your recent podcasts and I gotta know what's your favorite Starbucks drinks and even if you don't have a favorite what are your favorite drink items pastry etc just curious love you bye

shout out to my starbucks baristas right now y'all are going through it um so sorry starbucks doesn't want to unionize that's so fucked up that's so fucked up but shout out to everybody who is you know standing up for each other and trying to make those rights available to everybody and not to just some select few within the company um i think that equality is really important especially when starbucks is such a big company to work for um but i haven't been to starbucks in a while in a while i'm gonna say if i was to get like a favorite drink from there i can't drink their matcha i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i just cannot drink your matcha but if anything like a cold brew no if anything my favorite thing at starbucks is their cream cheese

am i insane their cream cheese and their everything bagels and they they toast them up perfectly oh so good nothing's better um but when it comes to drinks there i'm pretty basic girly nothing beats your nitro cold brew um with a little sweet cream foam on top a classic one may say but thank you for your service ma'am i love you someone asked have you ever vaped and if so how do you quit um i've talked about this story a lot here if you're an og listener you've probably heard this story before about how i like classically conditioned myself psychologically to um not be able to hit vapes anymore without wanting to projectile vomit everywhere and that's because well when i was younger and vapes became popular literally uh like a it was only what are

they fucking called oh my god i've blocked them out of my memory so hard that i can't even remember the name it was only jewels and a jewel starter kit so the device plus four of the pods the four classic pods it was like classic uh cigarette flavor cigarette flavor pod um mango mint and one other one what am i forgetting the audience is yelling behind me but i can't hear them i know you know the answer and i appreciate it anyways it was four of them and it was 79 and i remember I wasn't 18 yet so me and you had to be 18 to buy cigarettes no that's normal you'd be 21 to buy cigarettes actually or any sort of nicotine thing in my state so me and my friend who was 18 drove to the um one city near me which was like 35 minutes away that allowed people to buy nicotine

at 18 and she went in and she bought me a device and I paid her an extra 10 dollars just a little service fee a tip perhaps and I paid $89 for a brand new jewel in which you can buy now for like $17 it's so fucked up anyways I was vaping for a good two years a good two years my acne had never been worse. My anxiety had never been worse. My appetite had never been worse. It was just all around not good, very bad, horrible. But it's a very easy habit to fall into because it becomes a part of your routine. So the easiest thing you can do for yourself is to not change up your routine by not having it, but to replace it with something else. I'm not saying replace it with another jewel i'm saying replace it with like i don't know gum uh a water bottle whatever it is

personally for me i love my water bottle get a hydro flask with a straw lid it's the same exact shape as a as like a jewel or any sort of like vape perfect just just replace it and it's gonna be hard you're gonna go through withdrawals because you're probably really deep and nicotine is a very addictive drug but if you stay strong stay strong you will get through it but for me personally i threw up on all four flavors of jewel pods so many times after drinking so many nights because you know you get drunk and then you're like hell yeah i want some nicotine and you hit your jewel and then you you get the spins and then you throw up and that happened so many times to me that i literally cannot hit any sort of nicotine item without wanting to throw up and i tested this

the other night i was out at some bars with my co-workers and my friend had her um vape and i was like can i hit that you know i was in a nicotine mood or whatever and i was like maybe i'll like this you know like it's been a while i haven't really smoked any nicotine for a few years now since i like quit just stopped buying them um and i hit it and immediately i wanted to projectile vomit everywhere everywhere it was not good so yes classical conditioning does work um but i don't recommend vomiting that much um it's just so crazy to see like so many people vaping because when i was younger like vapes weren't a thing like vapes weren't a thing until i was like well they were a thing but they weren't like a huge thing until i was like 16

and no one was smoking before that unless you smoke cigarettes and in which not a lot of people were smoking cigarettes anymore because the like anti-tobacco kind of companies had took them out but then tobacco just realized you could flavor it cotton candy flavored and you can get children addicted and you can make it look cool and it worked and it's so fucked up like it's so fucked up you will save so much more money you will feel so much better if you just don't do it and that's coming from somebody who was smoking like religiously me saying smoking it's not smoking i was vaping religiously like that shit was in my hand 24 7 i was hitting it all the time but looking back at pictures of myself like i looked beat up beat up it just ate away at my face i had

so much horrible horrible acne i was like so sad all the time especially if i didn't have nicotine like i needed it i was so dependent on it oh my god free yourself free yourself from the grist or the grasp that big tobacco has on you like don't give them any more money because that's all they want they do not care about you they simply want your money hello hannah i have a question for the past so my boyfriend of uh two years hasn't been like going down lately and so i asked him what's up what's the deal with that because when we started dating that was like all he could do and so he was like yeah i don't have anything against hair but i don't really feel comfortable going down uh because it tickles my nose if you have like a lot of situation going on and i know

and i was like okay yeah okay i understand but also fuck off you know but also i mean i understand but i'm not sure like is he being reasonable because he was like you don't know how it feels like being tickled by hair because you have never ate pussy before and that's right so i just want know is that a valid reason or is he just being a pussy so yeah i love you um i'm gonna hit this and then i'm gonna answer that because i have a lot of ideas i love that you're like is he being a pussy like come on here's all i have to say when your mouth is going to a pubic region there is going to be hair there silence there's going to be hair there like naturally you develop hair there's going to be

some hair there i'm not keeping my shit bald 24 7 okay that takes a lot of work i do not have all of that time also if you want to rock a bush or whatever it is totally valid so many men don't shave don't trim full on all hair and have no qualms or have no thoughts about why you shouldn't go down on them so for me personally if he will not go down on you at all because of a little bit of hair he might just be a pussy you know he might just have to get over it just a little bit or maybe like try a different position so then like it doesn't tickle him as much like you could do like 69 and then like you know his nose wouldn't be tickled because it's like a whole different position um so maybe that would be better you know there's ways you can work around

it um but like i get the feeling like i understand i do i fully understand um because like men don't shave their face for like five days and i'm sure that kind of feeling where they have like a little bit of their beard growing feels the same way when we haven't shaved in five days you know like the feeling is very similar but it doesn't mean i'm not gonna kiss you does that make sense that make any sort of sense i do understand when it's like you know you're full into a relationship you know you're not your sex lives aren't as active as they were at first because you guys are busy with your own stuff with your own life you get caught up in life that's totally fine that's totally valid you know maybe it's just not happening as much anymore maybe you

know you need to initiate a little bit more that's valid that's totally okay but when it comes to body hair like my rule of thumb is to just suck it up you should be thankful you're down there amen someone asked if i could do a thing slash products that i've been obsessed with lately so i figured why not um number one i'm looking at her right now it's my balenciaga bag i got a vintage baby pink twiggy bag on ebay it was pretty cheap considering these go for like two thousand dollars um i was really inspired by the way jane birkin used her birkins and how she used them as like actual bags and decorated them and collected things and got them a little dirty and a little messed up so that was kind of my goal with this and i'm slowly achieving it and i'm slowly like

finding items to add to it and to collect and it's been super fun and i love it it's a great bag i love like a mary poppins kind of bag where you can just shove so many different things in there like i need to be able to carry at least three different journals on me at all time and like a book and my crystals and my headphones and my sunglasses and this can fit that plus like an overnight outfit so it's incredible um great bag love it i think a good bag really makes or breaks how you're feeling simply because i need to carry so many different things with me at one time um that being said another thing that follows me around everywhere is vaseline um vaseline has been following me around everywhere because i need it constantly for my lips and i have tried

everything for lips um when it comes to like hydrating and actually hydrating them long term nothing beats vaseline um i found that honestly every other chapstick broke me out as well i have very sensitive skin like it's really confusing um sorry i'm applying vaseline but i have very sensitive skin and a lot this is so weird but a lot of like lip products especially like glosses clog the pores around my lips i know very odd um and i get like little whiteheads which is so gross but if i want to avoid that i can only use vaseline so that is all i have been using um also for like dry skin my skin's getting a little dry because i've been going to the pool a lot lately and vaseline is the perfect remedy for that um another thing i've

been loving which i actually bought for my trip to baltimore um was headphones not just headphones uh headphones with wires i know i we we as a society have progressed oh my god my brain just had an aneurysm we as a society have progressed past needing headphones with wires right right wrong because i hate my airpods and i spent so much money on them and i cannot stand them and i also can't do over the ear headphones because i wear too many earrings at once and it hurts it like fucks up my ears so headphones with wires obsessed and then also everybody sees you're listening to something so they don't bother you like sometimes your airpods are covered up by your hair and people like walk up to you and start speaking and you have to like fumble and

pause your music and be like what'd you say can you repeat that no just like understand not to speak to me that that's the way to go um not that i'm like closed off in public it's just sometimes you know you want your alone time um another product i've been loving once again my bread hair oil that always makes the cut my hair's been so fucked up for so long and that has really repaired my hair and made it a little bit softer and less frizzy you know what i mean but other than that i'm trying to think of like other products i haven't really bought any new makeup things oh i have i have and i have been obsessed with it um it's actually from sephora and it's by the sephora brand but i was looking for a good metallic like a good easy way to apply eyeshadow

and have it be super pigmented and um this is called the sephora um shadow and liner and it's a stick it's a cream stick and you just i just rub it all over my eyes and it's so cute and you can layer it so you can do like a really sheer layer and just pat like one dot over your eyes and get it really sheer or you can do like a full silver layer and they had um this one specifically like a glittery one but they had matte ones they had regular ones it was only like ten dollars i know ten dollars like that is not a lot um and then last but not least i'll shout out this makeup bag because i haven't really done that yet it's so cute it's green gingham and then on the inside it is like um little ditzy flowers like it's so cute i bought it for my trip to la because

i knew i was going to be bringing a lot of makeup with me in which i did um and i found that i can fit a lot in it and it was pretty cheap i got it from who did i get it from let me find um i got it from cloths by clara on depop yes okay she's still making them i have the little green gingham one that i'm looking at right now but she has so many different types and they fit so much shit so if you need a cute makeup bag that is what i really recommend but other than that those have really been my pretty basic favorites recently someone asked smoking with water versus dry smoking your insight and opinions um when it comes to glass like smoking out of glass always with water okay a bong beats a pipe any day any day pipes are so fucking brutal and

every time i go to la since like i don't live there and i don't have like a bong there i'm always smoking out of pipes it's just like oh my god my lungs i can't take it anymore afterwards so yeah i usually prefer smoking with water but i also love joints i am such a fan of joints i'm such a fan of rolling up dry smoking that way like with papers um i don't like blunts they break me out they hurt my lungs they fuck me up real bad and not in a good way they just make my chest hurt and don't really get me the high i want um but joints i love a good joint i love rolling a good joint taking it on a little walk um but when it comes to bongs versus joints i'm gonna say joints wins but bongs are more practical because that's what i use daily um joints are more like special

occasion if that makes any sort of sense someone asked how do you mind your own business it's a really bad habit of mine that i'd like to get rid of um i mind my business by not getting involved in other people's drama does that make sense and to do so you have to understand that you are not the center of everybody's universe okay and you don't need to be you honestly don't want to meet want to be because that is very stressful and that is a lot of pressure and you don't need to put yourself into that situation when I say mind your own business I mean do not get involved in other people's um like I get you know talking about drama hearing about it whatever like you don't have to be the person who's like I don't want to ever hear about drama I don't you're a horrible

person for speaking about it like listen you can tell me a little bit drama I don't mind but what I'm not going to do is go tell every single person about it and get myself involved and get crazy deep into somebody else's problem, okay? That's when there's an issue. Mind your own business. You will be so much more peaceful for it. You'll have so much less drama in your life. You will be so much more content in your life because your life will be drama free. Your life does not have to have drama to make it entertaining. And if somebody else's life needs that drama to make it entertaining i think that's a red flag and i think you should stay a little bit away from them because they might pull you into it whether you want to be there or not um that's kind of my

rules when it comes to drama um and so if you have an issue minding your own business i would say practice focusing on yourself and practice trying to not always see yourself from the eyes of other people or needing to inject yourself into other people's problems in order to feel like control and to feel like you're a part of things sometimes you can just do your own thing be your own person focus on yourself focus on your own growth and that will be much more cathartic and much more you know freeing than you constantly creating this heightened sense of anxiety and chaos in order to feel that sort of control if that makes any sort of sense but yeah mind your own business you will be much more thankful for you for your life if you do like think about it what if you took all

of the attention that you apply to other people's problems and other people's dramas and other people's chaos and you applied it to yourself okay and you focused on yourself and improving your own life also like imagine if the people who are the crazy drama starters you know in your life imagine if they took all the energy they put into the drama and they actually just put it into themselves and into bettering themselves like think about how much better their life would be the same way works with you injecting yourself into other people's problems and other people's um life in reality minding your own business gives you much more control than you interjecting yourself into other people's problems um it also increases the impact that you have like in your

own life like you need to have more of an impact in your own life than you do in others um you need to be the person who kind of is always involved in your life you don't need to be the person who's always involved in other people's as especially as like a form of escapism um i feel like a lot of people inject themselves in drama so they don't have to deal with real issues and like facing their own issues inwardly um and it's much easier to just rip the band-aid off stop giving yourself so much anxiety and causing problems for yourself and just like just heal babe just just a little bit just a little bit of alone time just a little bit of healing i promise it'll do wonders hey hannah i am relatively new to the podcast so i don't know if you already talked about something

like this but i've just been wondering and reflecting and like thinking if i am a selfish toxic bitch because you know i had to kind of phrase myself my mom wasn't really around growing up so i had to cook for myself i had to watch out for myself like i had to do everything on my own since I can remember and now I've been living alone since I was 17 I'm 21 right now so you know for some years and I don't like sharing my food I don't like sharing my home I don't like like spending my money on other people I don't like asking other people how they are if I'm not feeling very well and I'm like it's not a bad thing like am I a cunt so I really hope that you can tell me that it is fine to put yourself first question mark i don't know but i love you and i hope you

stay safe girly hi babes um i love you i don't think you're a selfish bitch but i do think you've maybe built some walls that don't necessarily need to be there at all times um like i said this is a great great moment to backtrack we're all healing our inner teen okay especially this fall but growing up especially when you have to take care of yourself really young and you have to focus on yourself really young and put yourself first really young um you naturally are going to build walls and you're going to push the world out so my thing is especially when i'm teaching like selfishness and when selfishness is really important is when you are constantly putting everybody else's needs before yours that is when selfishness

is really good and really important because you need to practice focusing on yourself you need to practice putting yourself first because you've never done so and I think that's kind of how I've found myself a majority of my life and that's why I preach it so hard but I also think when you have been selfish a majority of your life which is okay it maybe was like a you know coping mechanism a way for you to get through the world to survive to have yourself succeed when you've built those walls up and you have mastered the art of being selfish maybe you need to work on letting people in and letting yourself be open to the world and to be a little less selfish than you have found yourself to be everybody has their rules in life everybody has their way that they want

to go about life like yes i feel you there's days where i don't want to talk to anybody there's days when i just want to lock myself away but you cannot do that every single day that is not healthy it's not going to help you in this life it's also not going to keep you safe in the way that you're probably thinking it's going to keep you safe um developing a healthy relationship between yourself and the world around you i think is really important the way that you need to make yourself feel loved is the way that you also need to make other people around you feel safe and loved and in order to do so you need to kind of master the art of both and the relationship with both and find the sweet and perfect middle ground that there is because i promise the middle

ground does exist but no i don't think you're a selfish cunt i think you maybe need to practice just removing some walls i promise you know the world isn't as scary and hurt hurtful and mean as you maybe once experienced or that you think it is and there's a lot of peace and kindness and honesty and openness in the world if you just allow yourself to be open to receiving it so i've been posting this like little self-care tips on my second account on TikTok um and it's just like little things like self-care is allowing yourself to eat this or self-care is you know allowing yourself to sleep in or self-care is forcing yourself to you know do the face mask because it's hard for you to relax or the one that I got a little bit of traction on the other day was

self-care is um forcing yourself to go outside and read instead of dissociating in bed and i feel like whenever i post these innately kind of positive self-help things on the not on the internet but on tiktok specifically because as a younger audience i get a lot of like negative feedback and i get i get it i get that growing up and bettering yourself is hard but if you release and you allow yourself to do so it becomes a lot easier and i know this because i've been there um but i understand the innate teen sense to want to kind of make everything negative because the top comment on that video for a while was like i tried this but it's so hard like i don't know how you think it's this easy and it's like of course i don't think this is the easy route

it is just sometimes the route that you have to choose even if it's hard in order to better yourself like unfortunately nobody said doing any of this was easy and in fact it's probably not going to be easy the right choice is not always the easiest the important thing is that you make that choice for yourself and that when you don't make that choice for yourself you recognize it and you forgive yourself but at a certain point you just get tired of your own shit you have to force yourself to meditate work out eat mindfully and read the books to form a routine the buzz um oh my god where was i i'm reading you a little thing but at a certain point you just get tired and you have to force yourself to meditate work out eat mindfully and read the books to form a

routine that gives you a sense of happiness within yourself again it's exhausting like it's going to be tiring but you've got to keep fighting for yourself because no one else will take care of you and love you the way you can for your own being this is this life is not something to go about so casually every day is your first and last time to embrace this moment this life was gifted to you with a planet to explore and souls to experience so show up for yourself be there for yourself make the hard decision for yourself it'll be hard like i can't lie but the key is that you make that decision and you understand that decision and that you constantly show up for yourself even when no one else is doing so and just because other people maybe aren't showing

up for you doesn't mean you are undeserving of being shown up for you are in this life with yourself and yourself only until the day you die so make sure you are a good partner to travel this universe with um i love you we're gonna finish up this podcast it's almost four and i really need to get this out to you guys um March is gonna be shipped to you by the end of the week I'm gonna do a short video on Patreon this week um so I'm hoping I can get another podcast out to you on Thursday a little extra special podcast for you um I'm gonna put out another questionnaire on my Instagram so you guys can submit them there um I need a little bit more questions for this next episode but I love you all I hope you had a fantastic fucking weekend I hope you have a great

start to your week and you enjoy this episode and i will see you on thursday