Smoke Sesh - how to get up & keep going

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

hello everyone! today we talk about low points, how to get through the, coping tools, handling emotions, looking logically at your life, learning to love and live, and many more things on how to get up & keep going while being depressed. sending love for you all this year!submit your questions follow the instagram at hannahmarlenejoin the patreon club at patreon.com/smokeseshshawtywatch the vlogs at YouTube.com/hannahmarlene444

listen everybody needs a fairy godmother you know just somebody to look out for them some people call me their fairy smoke mother others their internet big sister but you can call me hannah the host of smoke sash so come hang out let's light up and talk everything there is to life the good the bad the ugly the embarrassing i've got a story for it all oh my goodness you guys welcome freaking back to the smoke sesh podcast sorry if you're watching this on video if i look like a ghost wow it is time to start self-tanning because my white dress really does just completely blend into my skin it's kind of shocking i don't know i got back home from horseback riding lessons this morning and i was like what the fuck to do do i do my

hair do i do my makeup no keep the hat on the camo hat and throw on a frilly white dress absolutely serving midwest princess today serving country girl realness um that's kind of just the vibe i am on today since it is you know it's been my horseback riding lesson day i actually went there and volunteered some more time it was really nice to just be around the horses chatting with the owners being around people who care about life and show love to the people around them it just was like it was just a breath of fresh air that I needed because I can we get is this a safe space you guys is this a safe space I had the a very hard weekend I had a very hard weekend um if I'm being frank I'm in a pretty dark place right now you're like wow you're so upbeat and

saying that yeah it's just it is what it is having mental illness having mental disorders living with depression because ultimately is something that I live with and deal with not on an everyday basis sometimes in every second basis but it really does ebb and flow um yeah I am kind of I did hit a low point this weekend that just wasn't fun it wasn't fun so I'm kind of trying to take my time and regroup and get myself what most would say back on track but I think that makes me feel like I'm behind so I'm gonna kind of re-narrate it and say just back to feeling like myself because truly and honestly when I am in the throes of my depression I feel completely out of control and I definitely don't feel like Hannah so it is nice to be back on this

podcast and back in my usual routine chilling with you guys committed to growth committed to goodness committed to you know just seeing the light and things with you guys I think it will help me just be feel better and I do really appreciate every single one of you guys who listen to this podcast I think we lean on each other in a very similar way I don't know if you guys play this whenever you need a distraction or a laugh or an uplifting voice whatever it may be i also use this podcast the same exact way um it is truly like such an escape from life i'm getting to connect with you guys and sit down and escape maybe the chaos of my internal world and distract myself a little bit with maybe the chaos of your guys's internal world but that's okay it is it's

a really beautiful community that we have built here and i know i say it a lot but genuinely it does take me getting to a low point to realize how much this does really mean to me um and this podcast means everything to me i think you guys probably know that since i've been doing it for so long but i do want to reiterate it if you guys listen every single week if you support me if you're a patreon member it means the fucking world um i pour my heart and soul into this and i don't really do it for recognition that's not what i'm here for like i said this is like a coping mechanism almost of mine um a nice healthy escapism tool um and truly honestly i hope that you guys can find some sort of peace and joy through this podcast the same way that i do

so before we start i want to extend just some love to you guys especially if you did not feel it this weekend um i know coming out of valentine's day you're probably like oh but you talk about love and joy and a good time and all that stuff and how important it is and you're depressed after valentine's day yeah yeah i think some people um are left uh disappointed after valentine's day and i spent a majority of my life as a woman being like oh valentine's day schmalentine's day it's just another corporate fucking blah blah blah blah blah and then I realized no no no it does matter you know and it matters especially so when maybe you don't feel special every single day the day where you are supposed to be uplifted and special when you don't feel that way or you feel

like a second choice or just an obligation it definitely is not the best feeling to walk away from that with so I wish I had more of an uplifting message post Valentine's Day I wish you guys had the best time ever whether it was alone or with your partner either way if you're feeling the way that I feel now though I see you I recognize you and your feelings are valid your feelings are absolutely valid okay because like i said not only is it important to feel special every single day but the one day where you're like hmm this is like the special day the special person day the love day of course that's when you're wanting to be thought of the most it's like birthdays and valentine's day get it right get it together anyways anyways i wish there was

like more details i could really dive into but like i said not a lot happened me and my boyfriend were supposed to celebrate um before valentine's day i don't really care about the day of it's just like okay what's our special day especially working in the restaurant industry valentine's day i don't pass a valentine's day often you know i'm usually clocked in working because it's like let me make that valentine's day money these people are in love let me get those tips like let me be your wingman whatever it takes i like it like i said the day doesn't matter as long as you have a special day with your person so you're supposed to celebrate like the thursday or something um before and the patreon girlies know all i asked i know i don't complain a lot on this

podcast this isn't even complaining this is just the reality of what happened i was like i want to go to the art museum and i want to go out and have pasta and yeah that just did not happen and so i actually spent the valentine's day i was supposed to be with my partner with uh the patreon girlies so we definitely had a good ass fucking time there that's for sure like i said love having this as an escape outlet and then yeah kind of last minute ended up seeing weathering heights and i will say it's worth a watch is it accurate is it exactly what she wrote down in that book no absolutely fucking not absolutely not and i haven't read weathering heights i thought about reading it before this adaption and then i was like no this adaption is gonna be kind of completely

and utterly different so it's like not really worth it i don't really want to do the compare and contrasting in my head like I'll read the book once I see the movie because in my brain I'm kind of visualizing them as two very separate identities and they definitely were so if you're looking for an accurate portrayal don't don't go in for that go in for some like weird kinky fucking like tumblr-esque aesthetics love Margot Robbie love Jacob Elordi love seeing them tongue kiss like what's what's worse than that also the fog the use of fog in that movie fantastic amazing I only gave it three and a half stars on my letterbox it definitely was giving toxic situationship so I guess if you're if you need a cathartic movie to watch about your toxic

situationship great amazing you'll probably sob at the end I don't know why you wouldn't it is very dramatic and sad no spoilers obviously but go into it with the mind frame that this movie was created to be posted as 18 different tumblr gifs that are aesthetic that are raunchy that are sexy and if you go in with that kind of mindset and not a direct translation i think you'll have a fun time enjoying the movie like i said we gotta manage our expectations we gotta manage your expectations and the with the Wuthering Heights movie you gotta take it as what it is which is just a fun little ride fun little Jacob Elordi ride speaking of that man oh his slutty little gold earring in that movie yeah if you want to stare at Jacob Elordi go see that movie

it was pretty good it was worth going to the theater and seeing that's for sure I've definitely seen movies and been like that wasn't fucking worth it it was it was it was aesthetically pleasing people were aesthetically pleasing I enjoyed the the vibe of it all it was it was good great amazing award-winning no absolutely not but good good nonetheless and then yes all day Valentine's Day I worked which was just kind of hell on earth but like a distracting hell on earth so can't really complain about it time's flown by it's Monday now well Tuesday when you're listening year of the horse if you're listening to this on tuesday has begun first year of the chinese new year do not wash your hair do not throw away your trash do not clean your house now is not the time

to do so let shit rest and settle okay especially with the energy that's coming into this next year and the second day of the new year you can go ahead and do that but the first day don't throw out your wealth don't throw out your blessings do some like um if you're into rituals or witchcraft or any of that some fun stuff do some prosperity rituals do some money rituals it's all you really need to do but the first day of the new year i think it's a great day to just like chill the fuck out and that's that's what i'll be fucking doing i think i'm going to yoga and enjoying my day hopefully the sun is out it's shining i spent way too much time up at the ranch today. But like I said, mama needed a little distraction. And today's going to be a little

bit of a different episode. It's definitely going to be a bit rambly, but I think it's a good one. We haven't done like a solid topic episode in a while. And if there's one thing I've learned from the Patreon girls questions this week, everybody's kind of suffering. Everybody's suffering by their own hands maybe or maybe by others or circumstances but everybody's kind of suffering and i talked about this the first three months of the new year okay january february march sometimes into mid april depending on how the weather goes we it's the era of chaos it's the era of transformation it's the era of endings you know we think of the new year january 1st as being like ah the new year has begun fresh beginnings new energy but in reality if you look at it from like a spiritual

sense uh from from a full perspective sense the lunar new year doesn't even happen till mid-february the astrological new year doesn't happen till like early mid-march there's a lot of new beginnings and lots of endings happening through the months of january february march that i think it throws people off their game a little bit where they enter the new year january 1st we're like yes new beginnings fun amazing wonderful and then the chaos happens because we're in our chaos era and it it really throws people for a loop where they feel like they're starting their new year off on a bad foot they're the things that they manifested for the new year aren't happening it's just the chaos era there truly is something about the energy of the first

three months of the year don't expect normal things to happen you got to be prepared for everything it was this time last year that like my cat was going through stuff my car got stolen multiple car break-ins craziness everywhere hectic hectic so the best thing we can do during this time is stay patient with ourselves kind with ourselves understanding if we're in positions of suffering or whatever we we may be having it if there's endings we feel coming up try and approach them with grace and understanding and go forth in the direction that you feel like you need to go forth in if you have the strength to do so but if you feel like oh wow i'm cursed by the universe maybe it's just february or march or whatever month it may be you know maybe it is just like

a different energetic ending happening during this chaos era which will then push us into a fantastic era in my opinion the chillest like era of the year is may june july april may june july that kind of time frame early summer late spring things are feeling good fresh renewed hopeful energetic the freaking everything's blooming the trees are looking wonderful the birds are chirping and singing and we can only have that peace if we go to the chaos of what the first three months truly are in the new year if we learn those lessons if we learn how to stand true beside ourselves and our beliefs and stay strong within ourselves and power through whatever the the world throws our way then we will be able to reap those blessings of that early summer late spring but we

must get through this time frame to be able to enjoy the blessings that are on their way and that's one thing that's really keeping me keeping me going for me personally I am not having a lot of like external chaos um like external chaos that I was last year where things felt just like out of my control and I wasn't really focusing on me because it was too much having to focus on things around me but this year it's a bit different I'm definitely having some internal battles and internal chaos. And to be frank, most of the depression that I've gone through in this life has been caused by myself. And to be honest, sometimes that's the worst kind because we can be our own biggest haters. We know our deepest, darkest flaws. We know what words will really

hurt. We we know how to be evil to ourselves because we know ourselves. So sometimes that self-induced you know depression really really fucking sucks and hurts because we are our own biggest bullies sometimes but there is that depression that is sometimes triggered by outside factors that's even harder to deal with because you're kind of like damn i was doing everything right i was doing everything right i was doing exactly what i was supposed to be doing i was doing this i was doing that i was going to yoga i was on on track i was going to work i was paying my bills like I was doing good and then boom it's like your legs just get swept out from underneath you and it's kind of like you're sitting in the fucking dirt your ass is wet and you're

like well shit it's like I don't want to be here I've been doing good I've been doing my best you know I'm not being my own biggest hater I'm not putting myself in this position somebody else is or something else is and that oh it's hard I will say it's easier to get out of than the self-inflicted stuff but it's hard nonetheless and it sucks because it's like damn I wish I didn't have this many triggers to be fair I don't have a lot of triggers but I don't know my biggest trigger I just want to be loved and I definitely I didn't feel that until it was too late and I don't want to I don't want to always be the too late girl I feel like I'm sometimes the the too late the one that got away the the this or the that the oh I forgot about you the youngest child

syndrome 10 years youngest child like kind of just tagging along oh yeah Hannah's here forgot about her that's like a wound that I'm really trying to work with and deal with and I think I didn't realize how deep it really stung until it does kind of come to the little things that start happening or piling up that makes you realize it but yeah I really am just like all right let's dig ourselves out of that hole babe let's stand up let's be our own best friend let's get back on the horse okay year of the horse starting up and it sucks to have to constantly pick yourself up or to be the person to pick yourself up sometimes it's like damn i wish somebody else was here to do that but how beautiful is it to know that we always have ourselves and yes we can

be our own biggest hater but also we can be our own biggest cheerleader we know exactly what it takes to make ourselves happy again to go after what we need to go after what we want and i think there's something really beautiful in that and thus i kind of want to talk about i think this is a great theme for this week um with the lunar new year happening year of the horse starting aries in saturn my aries or my saturn return has just started yeah i felt that fucking immediately thank you so much i want to get on here and talk about how to keep going okay because i think that's kind of like the hardest thing i struggled with when i was younger was like it's bad i need to give up okay i had this mindset where it was like if it's if it's going wrong it's going wrong for

a reason and thus i need to give up and that listen it works for some things oh you don't like piano okay cool let's try it a couple more times you don't like it let's try something else in reality for like real things tangible things in the real world sometimes that law truly exists but when it comes to ourselves it does not translate correctly the one thing we can never give up on in this life is ourselves ever and it takes work it takes dedication it takes time it takes getting to know ourselves it takes putting an effort and changing things up saying yes saying it takes a lot but the one lesson we're going to talk about today is that it is always worth it it really truly is I find myself fortunate enough now that having gone through so many different

like little hard things or big hard things I'm able to get into that flow state and know that like even though I've been sobbing for eight hours I know that eventually I won't be there is that quiet understanding but when you're young and you're going through it for the first fucking time getting through it feels impossible it feels impossible and when all you know is oh bad thing give up when you try and translate that to yourself that's when the real self-deprecation and demeaning behaviors really pop out and I think that's when I hit my lowest point when I was admitted is because I turned all that hatred and anger from the world onto myself and I relished in the pain I was like okay this is how I'm supposed to be feeling this is the only feeling

I know let's keep self-inflicting this feeling because truly and honestly it's easier to make make yourself feel pain than it is to make yourself feel happy and when you don't have a lot of energy or you don't have um a lot of just like internal drive it is much easier to self-inflict pain and self-inflict suffering than it is to try and pick yourself up and make yourself happy honestly it's the easiest cheapest dopamine you can get is just like hating on yourself in your own head so if you find yourself in that position please know it does it literally it fucking will get better i promise you i know right now you're like how why we'll get into it but the basis understanding is it does it will get better it will get better low key we're 20 minutes in i

might smoke a bowl with you guys fuck it and just like hit my flow state you guys want to smoke sometimes sometimes i do lean into weed a little bit when i'm depressed probably not the healthiest coping mechanism ever it's not vodka shooters anymore um but i does i do think it helps me enter this like focused brain state of let's pause let's slow our brain down let's address everything that we're feeling you know one thing at a time so fuck it let's go ahead let's smoke i'm gonna get my little fairy bong out let's take a rip and let's get into it and also don't judge me for how dirty my bong is now is not the time for a lecture when a girl's been going through it Her bong's going to be dirty. It is what it is. Give me a couple days. She'll be clean and brand

new. But let's hit this. Cheers. Two in five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and

access better data across the business the result less time spent on operations more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most learn more at accenture.com slash spotify you know what i'm such a cool fucking bitch sometimes sometimes you just gotta like realize what the fuck is going on white linen dress pink red bull ripping a fucking fairy bong that's literally me as a bong camo hat chapel run vibes living my best life still have dirt on my hands from working with the horses i'm like i need to go ahead and like verbalize this and this is a good practice i think you guys need to pick up as well especially when maybe you're feeling low or you're like how the fuck do i get back on track i i literally can't speak positively of myself

sometimes you gotta just pause and like look at the situation around you and be like actually no i'm really fucking cool or i'm really hot i'm so smart i'm so smart sometimes i cause fucking hell on earth in my head but i'm so smart i'm so sexy i'm so beautiful you can believe it or not okay but sometimes it just needs to be said out loud right now is a distraction method I'm working on something really fun and cool for you guys for fingers fucking fucking cross 420 around 420 so stay tuned for that no it's not probably what you're thinking of but I think it's going to be really fucking fun if you want to take guesses down below go ahead would love to hear from you I'm feeling better but I definitely hit that point where it was like okay you're

finding yourself at a crossroads here and this is kind of like usually how I feel it happening with myself now in the past it felt very out of control it felt like usually the method to the madness like if i was going to force myself into a depression right now it would look like this it would be like okay stop doing your hobbies stop going outside stop interacting with people up the phone time 9 10 11 12 hours stop responding to friends and family consume consume consume horrible content substance abuse verbal internal abuse bam that's your recipe for that's your recipe for depression I think sometimes knowing what in the psych ward they would call triggers but I think that sometimes too simple but like your downward spiral what that looks like for you

helps you upward spiral so all the things I wasn't doing I needed to start incorporating again because I knew just how much they meant to me or the things that I was doing which was not good I needed to wean myself off of I feel like sometimes the recipe for disaster is also the recipe for success if you invert it so if you're like Hannah all I know is being evil and awful to myself I don't know how to be good to myself yes you do yes you do all of those like negative coping behaviors negative internal battles negative self-talk you flip that on its head do the exact opposite I guarantee that is how you start to feel better and easier said than done I mean when you're in the lowest position possible I'm talking like bed rotting ulcers

not brushing hair like greasy grease ball I feel you been there done that there was a point in time in my teens where all of my hair matted into one giant dreadlock because I was just so depressed I couldn't take care of myself I feel you when you're there getting up and like painting going to yoga is so unfathomable it's like what the fuck are you saying to me right now so I understand sometimes there's different advice for where you are and sometimes the the advice that I would give a normal person who's like in an average headspace of yeah paint go to yoga go to your classes do this do that call your mom whatever it may be sometimes doesn't translate when you're in your lowest point possible because bitch I can't even brush my teeth how the fuck do you think I'm

gonna pick up a paint brush and create okay so sometimes baby steps are big steps you know when you're in that low spot even just like changing your sheets to rot for five more days great it's a step forward but there was nothing more that would piss me off when I was in treatment than when I would be sitting with my therapist and they're like okay let's brainstorm some like self-care and it's like bitch self-care I don't even there is no self to care for like what are we talking about here like okay let me write down a running I guess but I'm not gonna run you know I feel like sometimes people are out of touch with just how low you are so if simply put all you can do right now is get up and brush your teeth for the first time in days I'm proud of you

that's good enough for me because in my brain I understand how hard it is to simply do what most people would consider the small things in reality that is such a big step so whatever steps you need to take no matter how big and small or small are important but I want you to know that that recipe of what you need does exist inside you i i think you know yourself i think you know yourself sometimes it's easy to go like i don't know myself that's why i hate myself so much i think there is this internal knowing of what we desire and what we want and sometimes we elevate that chaos by not following it or by doing the exact opposite so like i said my recipe for disaster not doing all these things that I need to be doing and not like work things but like fun

things horseback riding going for a walk painting playing with my cat some would say simple but are massively important things to keep me on track no matter how big or small whatever you need to do for yourself we gotta start doing them I know I know you work bettering ourselves taking care of ourselves i know like i said the good thing is not always the easiest thing in fact it isn't the easiest thing easiest dopamine boost you could get right now is you know hating on yourself a little bit more or rethinking that situation again or stalking this or checking that no it's not gonna feel good obviously it's gonna be a short boost of dopamine if you're gonna gamble let's gamble in a way that makes sense instead of putting ten thousand dollars on on the table on one color and

hoping for the best you know let's go to the penny slots that's what i like okay i want my luck to be high my chance of winning to be high as well and that means unfortunately investing in ourselves that just it is what it is there are truths to life and i found that the the sooner i accepted those truths especially regarding like um feeling confident in myself and finally accepting to like love myself the easier it got it was just like oh all these people that i admire doing that and that's why they're succeeding damn okay maybe i should be doing that and then you try it and then it works that's just it is what it is the truth to life there's many different methods to the madness but accepting where you are is very important as well i think um what caused a lot

of my suffering and what causes a lot of my suffering is denial of reality denial of the you know universal truths of just like where i am no i'm not depressed i can't be no but i don't have time for this no but this no but that no sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is stop and go I'm having a hard time sometimes admitting that is really hard sometimes admitting that is really easy depending your situation but I think it's really important to accept where you are so then you're able to really quantify what you need to do to get there you know if you're at ground zero like the lowest you can possibly get below ground zero as low as freaking possible accepting where you are will help you visualize kind of how far you need to go and what steps

you need to take maybe if you're at you know a good middle point you're like damn i'm just having an off week you can accept that be kind to yourself it's okay just an off week if i give myself time and patience and love and understanding we'll get back to where we need to go eventually but you'll know just how far the journey might go the journey no matter how long is always worth it but i think it is good to pause and accept where you are because sometimes that internal shame and that internal battle can be elevated by desiring something else desire root of all suffering that's another one of those life truths unfortunately it's good to want things for yourself but in desire there is lack and we are trying to lean away from that lack especially now

more than ever accept the situation for what it is sometimes literally have to look in the mirror and go I'm hurting right now this hurts I'm having a hard time I'm being mean to myself this is happening this is out of my control whatever your situation may be sometimes you just have to literally look yourself in the mirror and go this I'm having a hard time right now now if you need help I think getting help can be the best thing you can possibly do for yourself leaning on friends leaning on family leaning on professionals whatever it needs or you need it is the best thing I have I've ever done for myself so please if that's an option take that option up love it but accepting where you are is so important in knowing your growth journey then you can see okay

how did I get myself here is it out of my control was it this was it that was it trusting this person was it relying on this was it me hurting myself was it me doing this hating on myself whatever it may be forgetting to do my hobbies forgetting to take care of myself I just didn't really stay up on top of chores for a week so I'm feeling overwhelmed with everything I have to do now what were the causes what caused that downward spiral okay and then you just slowly work your way up sometimes that spiral can be quite long and large sometimes that spiral is very simple simple cause and effect sometimes a little bit more grandeur than that either way i think if you're truly able to remove the emotions look at a larger perspective of what is going on

you will be able to find the game plan of what you need to do okay or at the very least the game plan of how to get to a better place emotionally now another universal truth nobody's gonna fucking do that for you no one's gonna pop open your fucking brain like a hat okay dig around in those fucking wet folds of your brain you but like sometimes i wish hello no one's gonna go oh yes i saw that are you oh yes i know that oh yes you stop doing this here's the answer here's what you want on a silver silver platter yes i'll behave this way yes i'll do this no no one will do that i mean they might if you ask thus i say uh get help like if you really truly need it but like also asking for help is you being there for yourself and then people are able to show up for

you no one's gonna come save you on horseback but you can save yourself and the only person who's gonna be there for you is gonna be yourself whether it's okay i'm finally being there for myself by asking for help okay i'm finally being there for myself by doing what i've always wanted to do okay i'm finally being there for myself by switching up my situation okay i'm finally being there for myself by trying to think differently finally being there for myself by leaving this person whatever it may be only you will be able to recognize and realize i hate to break it to you and also like don't waste your trying trying to make other people realize that as well I think there's a universal truth and you only know yourself thus you only know what you can do

to kind of remedy your situation it's the same thing for other people like if they don't want to get better they might not get better that just might be where they are until they are able to finally come to that conclusion and whatever journey they may be on so if you find yourself wasting your time trying to convince somebody of a b c or d or make them see the right way or like sometimes it just won't happen until we're able to really fully look at ourselves now when you're in a very emotional state or sometimes it's that numb lack of emotion which is a very overwhelming emotion nonetheless it's funny i remember going to the psych ward for the first time and they're like how are you feeling and i was like numb and you would think like to like

from a different perspective numb really means like absolutely goddamn fucking nothing but there was so something so overwhelming about the numbness i felt that was just like so interesting to think about how overwhelming what we what most would think a lack of emotion would be emotions can get in the way when we're trying to think critically duh hello if it was just my head thinking rationally there were there'd be a lot of decisions that i wouldn't have fucking made you know emotions really do mess with us sometimes not in the best way but also we need them because that's how we experience joy and happiness and self-love and show love to others we have to find that really good balance of like head heart and brain and when it comes to trying to pull yourself

out of a low place you gotta put on your science cap and you gotta take off that emotional emotional role the emotions especially when you're in a dark place will try and convince you to stay in that dark place because it's an easier emotion to hold on to so if you listen to them it's not going to be good trust me i've listened to the emotions the dark the deep dark emotions they do not fucking help you i'll tell you that and when you're trying to bring in the good emotions there they're not there to lean on so you must think critically and scientifically when it comes to the position that you're in I think accepting where you are looking at it from a broad perspective takes the personal the personality out of it you know kind of removes those emotions in a healthy

way where you're able to look at things objectively and then also to reinforce that scientific way of thinking looking at the journey you've been on to maybe get here the causes the effects what's happened writing down what's been hard for you maybe writing down things you've been struggling with whether it's internal or external you're able to see like the journey you've been on and even more so are able to look at it from a broad perspective not emotionless but neutral sense that will help you accept the reality of where you are and hopefully have you accept the next steps you need to take able to look at where you are and know the next steps you need to take emotions are important and i'm not saying don't feel the bad emotions don't don't lean into them

it's okay you don't need to be afraid of your emotions but we don't need to hold on to them so fucking tight all the time you know i have a really hard time with that especially with negative ones i i think it's the one thing that i've really struggled with the most when it comes to my emotions is the happiness it comes and goes when i enter a hard spot like a really hard emotional place it is fucking hard to get myself out of there i think what most people's turnaround time would be would is two hours sometimes for me it's two weeks I mean I've had my partner be like oh my god you're so you're still mad about that you're still upset by that and maybe that means we just have different priorities or prerogatives but mostly for me it means like no when I enter a

dark spot genuinely I have a very hard time disconnecting from those emotions and leaning into something more positive it's very hard for me to come out of that so if there's anybody who can like maybe have a semblance to be able to speak on this and maybe understand the position you are in that is abnormal to what the average human goes through like I see you I understand you I hear you I'm here for you I think right now I really am just speaking on what I've gone through in the past and what I'm trying to implement now more so than ever and I think I'm able to kind of look at it from a broader perspective because I haven't gone through like genuinely i haven't gone through like a really hard time in a while i'm lucky that you

know if you are able to learn about your emotions learn how to accept and release look at them from a broad perspective understand yourself emotionally your upbringing kind of really take the time to hone in on yourself and accept yourself unconditionally and love yourself unconditionally you're able to then like in the future understand the journey of it all and have kind of less super deep dark spots you know your everyday balance your everyday understanding of your emotions the bandwidth you have to handle chaotic situations you do kind of become a pro at it and I've been kind of like walking that tightrope for a while and I knew I knew like about a month ago I was like i have a feeling like i don't know i've been kind of like up and down and up and down recently

i have a feeling i'm gonna hit a down spot like soon and so i kind of mentally prepared in the sense where it's like okay do our best okay do our best every day show up do our best whatever that may look like it might be 100 it might be 50 whatever do our best and also be patient and kind to yourself because you do kind of know something's up something's probably coming thus is life you know you always gotta stay on alert and for me personally the first thing I really did when I hit this spot was accept where I was and then feel it the fuck out it was like this sucks I'm breaking out the journal I'm breaking out the notes app there is nothing more cathartic than like a notes app brain purge when I am depressed or feeling very hard

difficult emotions it is the number one time i journal most oh my god when i'm happy and running around and yes hannah's on a high i'm not breaking out that fucking journal okay i'm chilling like i'm having a good time when i'm depressed the journal is a is necessary and if you haven't journaled before if you suffer with any sort of like harder emotion darker emotion anxiety depression whatever it may be journaling is so important absolutely incredibly important i'm the kind of person that when i'm going through a hard time my brain is going a million fucking miles a second like i said numbness what girl you're thinking a thousand fucking things all at once and they're not good that's for fucking sure so i kind of tune them out and maybe that's where the

numbness came from when i'm happy it's like one track mind happy joy love wow sunshine rainbows sparkles joy amazing when i'm depressed it's like just like i can't even spout off what i'd probably be thinking about myself because it's just like oh let's not bring that up so to be able to actually like fucking address those emotions and address what you're feeling and slow down enough to do so journaling is fantastic there's no way in hell my hand can move as fast as my brain there's it's genuinely impossible there's a big reason why i love horseback riding is because when you're working with those with these animals there's no time to be in your fucking head about oh i'm stressed about this or oh this isn't going right you better be in your

boots on the ground looking at those horses eyes aware of their body working with them doing deep breathing for yourself so you're chill so they're also chill i love it for that reason yoga also kind of acts in the same way journaling journaling is the most amazing way to be able to do this if you are depressed laying in your bed right now you don't even need a pen and paper your notes app works perfect if you guys could see my fucking notes app oh if you could see my notes app and it's so funny because sometimes I'll be like let's go through it I want to see where I was two years ago today I don't use it often but like I said when I am really fucking depressed I use it a lot and you'll see like multiple writings every day for like a week or maybe a month or maybe a

couple days in a row and it's like what the fuck was she going through right then no matter how long you think it might last it doesn't last that long you will get through it if you put the time and effort into it obviously I'm not doing multiple entries every single day for years and years and years on end so i think that is like looking back it's nice to see okay it does kind of go in spurts and if i really commit to healing and getting the fuck up like it does really honestly get better there's like truth and understanding and simply going through it and then going through it again and then going through it again and being able to look back and see the journey that it takes or to see that yes things do get good again but journaling is so fantastic and it's so underrated

it is it's so underrated especially when you're fucking depressed and you don't have to follow journal prompts i uploaded a lot of journal prompts especially on patreon because when i'm trying to journal daily or when i'm trying to kind of like bring out the internal battles i like a good journal prompt but if i could encourage you to do anything it's like a bitch no one's reading your journal okay and if they do that's not somebody you should have in your life at all no one's reading your journal your journal is a safe space you don't have to write in perfect fucking cursive no one's gonna you know dig it up one day and put it in a museum it's okay it's okay maybe they will who knows but if you want it to really last the test of time you gotta write down

what the fuck your head and your heart is feeling don't hold back be truthful be honest sometimes i'll start writing like mid-sentence like i won't even write like what would make sense it's just a stream of consciousness of what's going on in my brain not only will it alleviate the 400 voices going on in your head and yes you'll have to tackle kind of one at a time per journal session or sometimes i can tackle like 10 in one go i'll sit down and journal for an hour sometimes i'm just like cussing myself out or the world sometimes you got to get it off your chest you have to get rid of those thoughts and those feelings so you're not so emotionally overwhelmed in your brain and your journal if you have a physical one your notes app wherever it may be is an important space to do

so and do so as you're honestly your first step just to understand where you are understand what you're feeling process the emotions that simply put are not helping you get better you know anger is one that I think people hold on to for a long time I know me personally that is like it's going to keep you in that place for longer if you don't simply just get it off your chest journaling it was the first thing I did not brushing my teeth or going to yoga or this or that no it was journaling acceptance journaling understanding and then from there you have like a little bit of a little bit of space you feel like a sigh of relief a little bit post-journal sessions oh my god there's no better feeling post-journal sessions like okay maybe the weight of the world is not on my

shoulders anymore okay for at least a couple minutes that's for sure it gives your brain just like a little bit more space to then be able to think about other things which is then you know your coping mechanisms your I need to change my sheets I need to do that I need to do this I need to brush my teeth comb my hair maybe it's a little bit you know bigger maybe I need to like go get groceries maybe it's like I need to start actually putting myself together for work again I need to start showing up to work again i don't know how deep in you are doing yoga going to this class going on a walk it's all different there's different levels to everything but relieving yourself of those emotions will give you the space and the time and the energy to then be able to

implement the coping tools that you will need to lean on a little bit now understanding the emotions is difficult and hard you know maybe they're not revelations you'll have immediately I think if it's inflicted by somebody else if you got to take your heart out of it a little bit and really look at it logistically of like I feel this way because a b c and d and in the future I need e and f and g and this needs to change and this needs to go this way or else it's just not going to work accepting the situation understanding it fully when it comes to in regards to yourself I think you have to take the pressure off yourself a little bit you know look at it realistically I feel a b and c because this happened or I was treated this way or it's kind of funny I kind of

work those out these out on the podcast often you'll hear me be like oh maybe I'm this way because this and this and this it's because I do I really I have tried to look at it in a really logical sense of understanding because I think through understanding comes peace through knowledge comes peace through knowing yourself comes peace and that means accepting the shitty hard fucked up parts of yourself as well accepting the demons as much as you accept the angels you must be willing to see and understand every single part of yourself because when i was younger talk about revelations when i was younger there was a pressure on me to be a very very specific certain way okay it was little angel little amazing daughter okay youngest of the family

behaves perfectly gets amazing grades puts on the cute dresses for Christmas whatever it may be kind compassionate it's not that I'm not those things it's that I'm not only those things and so when I finally you know got a little older and realized oh there is evil in the world and also sometimes the evil is me question mark I had a hard time accepting like the self-inflicted chaos I gave myself because I was like unwilling to recognize maybe what is the not good side of myself you know I mean if you think about it depression the not good side of myself yeah duh hello but we as humans what makes us so amazing and wonderful and beautiful is that there are so many different aspects of what makes us human and not all of them are good

not all of them are evil some of them are neutral but there is that duality that i think is very very important to know that we all inhabit okay that we all contain it no matter what facade people put on we're all going to be good and bad at some points in our life to others to ourselves who knows to what but that's just a part of being human and the sooner you learn to accept it the less suffering you'll go through i talk about that in like the realm of um people making mistakes in relationships whether it's like cheating or doing something bad to another person it's like well yeah if you do the bad thing and then refuse to accept that you did a bad thing you're gonna hate yourself because you don't understand that you can hold duality and then

you're gonna keep doing the bad thing instead of being like damn i fucked up i'm taking responsibility i accept myself fully yeah it's not good but i do accept that i'm gonna do better like i've learned my lesson i'm gonna do better i'm gonna move forward you're not gonna suffer as much because you've you've looked at it from a very real humanistic perspective and from there you're able to actually learn the lesson and move forward accordingly the shame the shame will keep you down the shame and unacceptance of yourself will keep you in that place of hatred for longer and that's just not a worthwhile place to be nothing good will ever come out of self-hate self-shame looking down on yourself i've made the worst decisions of my life i've made the worst

choices of my life i put myself in the scariest situations i've treated myself the worst when i was in that place of self-hate and shame you already are thinking negative things of course you're gonna act on negative things the sooner you accept yourself as a full human being with good and bad sides of yourself the easier it is to be a balanced being that's why i think accepting your situation is so powerful of just like damn this sucks like if we don't laugh we might cry damn this fucking sucks not all of life is going to be range rainbows and sunshine and butterflies and beautiful a lot of it is i will say a lot of it is but acceptance is so important people talk about that true internal peace how do i achieve that elevated state how do i bring peace to my

life how do i make it amazing and wonderful i think people immediately think oh i need to be like hyper vigilant about being positive all the fucking time and i mean it does help but when that negative thing comes you're going to start doubting yourself a little bit more no true internal peace comes from acceptance of yourself fully the good the bad the ugly the embarrassing it doesn't fucking matter okay full acceptance that's where that internal peace comes from full acceptance has granted me the reality of not having so many lows i will say full acceptance has granted me the reality of also like approaching tough situations with a very very level and clear head when I used to go through tiffs or fights with people or whatever it may be I would immediately

oh I was a nasty bitch oh you want to get dirty you want to fight okay we could fight yeah you know what bring it the fuck on I'm my father's daughter if you want to bring emotions into this let's get fucking emotional you know I can get crazy we can get crazy does it feel good no absolutely not but also I realized oh my god it doesn't get me fucking anywhere it doesn't get me anywhere to lean into that side now it's being able to accept and know myself and in turn know other people in the world around me I don't really lean into that when it comes to tips of other people I really am truly granted the gift of being able to look at things very honestly and it's made just like going through life easier it's made standing beside myself easier standing beside

my emotions easier knowing what i want it the acceptance of it all truly has granted me a life that is pretty balanced pretty fucking balanced if i do say so myself i'm very lucky that nowadays the internal conflict that i do face or when i am facing a hard time it is usually uh inflicted not by myself but by the world around me and that can feel very off-putting or it can make you feel out of control but in reality reacting with the world around us is probably in as we can control that situation i'm a control freak i am always like okay how can i control this situation sometimes an unhealthy way most times in a very positive way because i know i need to work with it instead of work against it i think when things happen outside of what feels like our control

or not self-inflicted but inflicted by something else in our environment we have that inherent panic that kind of sets in and that makes us behave in very crazy emotional ways but dare i argue another truth of life is that we have control on the world around us we do simply by choosing where we want to be through choice that is our control and we do have choice in this world i mean we don't have like all the choice in the world but we have a good amount of choice in this world where we decide to live you know the job feel we decide to go in the situations we put ourselves in the people we surround ourselves with um like we have control over that certain environmental factor that i think should bring you a lot of peace and i think we should be indulging

in a lot of like what most would just call free will so then you're not suffering in the environment that you created you know I found myself in positions for a long time especially when I was younger where I was just like unnecessarily suffering from my environment and I became so used to it that I was like no this is just how it's low-key no this is just how it's supposed to be I'm just supposed to suffer here like I think that's just how it is but it's like no you do have control over the environment around you you don't want to be in this fucking college and you hate it and it's soul-sucking every day let's look elsewhere let's apply at different places you can exert your control oh you're in this toxic ass fucking relationship that's soul-sucking every

single day okay break up with them oh you have these friends who a b c and d okay leave them you know set some boundaries there is some control we can exert and i think the more you lean into your free will and the more you take control of it and really like take control of your life and the situations you're putting yourself in the more you'll realize okay the world's pretty freaking good in a grand scheme of things i know it can feel very heavy at times but if you try and put yourself in the best situations you will find yourself in the best situations there's something beautiful about that we do have control over our lives in that aspect and the journey we want to take through this life who we want to surround ourselves with and i think it sometimes makes

accepting when things get chaotic in our environment a little bit easier you know you can get more scientific more what do they call it right brain left brain whichever one it is i don't know if i believe in that but whatever it may be you can look at it with a clear perspective okay what's causing it is it my environment is it this going on is this just like a momentary issue has this been a long-term thing it'll help you process it and adjust accordingly i'm also a girl who just like I'm very spiteful and I'm a very fucking spiteful person and growing up I it's like I'm playing with the neighborhood boys and they throw dirt in my face I'm throwing that fucking dirt right the fuck back actually a bigger handful and I'm spitting on them just kidding but like

like yeah of course like a girl's being nasty to me I'm gonna be fucking nasty back like what are we talking about here I'm a very spiteful person you do me dirty I'm not gonna do you dirty but like I'm gonna do something really good for myself that makes you then feel bad about yourself a little bit and I remember I don't know who I was talking to about this but I was like yeah you know what I do think I'm pretty spiteful and they were like wow that's like really bad like you really shouldn't be that way and I paused and I thought about it I was like oh she's right I shouldn't And then I was like, actually, it might be the fucking only thing keeping me going is like, no, against all odds. I made it here. I'm alive. I'm breathing. I can see. I can look around.

I'm in a situation. I'm in an environment. Feels very strange. Feels very odd. I feel off. I don't feel good. But by fucking God, I'm going to fucking make it. i am i'm gonna make it and i'm gonna make it and i'm gonna do better than anybody else could possibly ever think for me because i deserve that i deserve that i want that for myself i desire that for myself and low-key fuck everybody else we're gonna end up on top there is like when i was getting better or when i'm trying to get up i do kind of have to we talk about yes leaning into good emotions leaning don't lead into the negative but like what gives you a little ego boost it's okay you can have a little ego boost especially when you need that like quick jump start to kind

of then lean into the positive emotions i personally spiteful it is what it is i'm not spiteful in a biblical way where i'm evil and horrible i'm spiteful in a way where it's like i will do better for myself no matter what i have to i owe it to myself i owe it to my haters i owe it to the people who took advantage of me i owe it to little hannah i owe it to my parents i'm gonna fucking do the thing i'm gonna do it and i'm gonna do it better than you ever could have possibly imagined whatever it is even if it's just breathing and living whatever it is i'm going to fucking do it there's too much evil in this world there's too much hate there's too many fucking people who want us to like suffer and die and want us to be down and out there's too

many there's too much of that i'm not gonna let that win i no that's not happening i'm not gonna let them win the evil of this world no that's not if it's in my control if anything's in my control i'm not letting evil win ever and to start i'm taking care of myself i'm getting up i'm brushing the dirt off i'm doing what i can i can't wait to spend the rest of the year um comparing life lessons to horseback riding so prepare for that but I do think year of the horse very in theme I think we're gonna be experiencing a lot of things that I battle with especially when I am in lessons or working with horses and I talked last week I did not have a good lesson it wasn't awful I didn't get like bucked off or like really scary situation it was just I wasn't I wasn't in tune I wasn't

connected and I got off the horse I got home and I didn't feel good about myself that was kind of like the catalyst I was having a hard day and then it was like oh damn I'm not loved sorry I'm dramatic but am I anyways approaching this week's lesson I wanted to get very like um in tune with the energy I was going in with um I think I was anxious last week I was too in my head it was just like it was an off day sometimes you just have off days you can't really control it it just happens and this week I wanted to be very intentional about okay let's let's focus in let's hone in let's do the beneficial things that it takes to have a good day do the self-care let's do the work whatever you're fucking thinking about whatever i've been yapping about for the past hour

you know all the tools all the tricks the journaling whatever it may be and instead of approaching it with the perspective of oh last week sucked i just want to do better that lack feeling i really approached it with the feeling of i want this i want to be good at this so i'm gonna do whatever it takes to get out there and have a good day today and if it's not a good day that's okay i'm gonna already forgive i'm gonna pre-forgive myself before anything happens but i'm gonna go out there and by god i i'm frustrated i'm a little bit tired i'm a little bit this i'm a little bit that but i'm gonna have a good day despite it all because i owe it to myself spitefulness and guess what i did i did i had a good day today it was good i hung out for

a couple extra hours i talked with the owners they're just like such sweet people the vet was there taking care of a horse he had a little bit of an eye issue so he was sedated drugged up just like loving on me it was so funny there's many tools and tips and tricks and realizations and understandings that i can give you okay we've talked about them all all of the various life truths that there are which is sometimes shit sucks we gotta accept our reality sometimes what really is our downfall can also help us get back up again by doing the exact opposite by engaging in those positive coping mechanisms. Sometimes removing your emotions are healthy to be able to slow down your brain and address what's causing you pain. Sometimes exerting control over our

thoughts is necessary in order to then bring in those good things. Sometimes exerting control of our environment is necessary to bring in those good things. Leaning into acceptance of good and bad is important to be able to look at the entire picture fully sometimes feeding into ego okay indulging in those short dopamine boosts but yet positive the biggest fucking truth of them all is that we gotta keep going we gotta you can't let the evil bastards out there win you have to be the good in this world and if that means you know breaking down all of those fucking barriers you have in your head and accepting yourself fully good and bad no matter what it is doing the hard work putting in the hard work you have to do it i know it's just a truth of

life accept the truth for what it is don't put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect sometimes healing actually healing is always like messy and nasty and hard and you feel like you're trudging through the dirt and it's it's it's not the easy route but it is the worthwhile route like i said looking back whether it's on my journal or thinking back to situations I've been in I am I'm almost 27 I went to lunch with my grandma for her birthday she was turning 84 my grandma and my dad and she was like oh your birthday's coming up how old are you turning 24 no but I do feel 24 I feel pretty young you know thank god and my dad was like yeah no she's probably turning like what 25 26 I was like I'm turning 27 and both of them I saw like a tear form in their eye not because I

was getting older but because I was growing up that I survived that I'm that I am about to be 27 I think a lot of people in my family didn't think I'd make it there including my dad he was probably the most and is the most worried about me and I think it was a really good moment of like yeah i despite it all i am turning 27 i am and i'm gonna turn 28 and 29 and 30 and up until i'm fucking 84 like my grandma who's going out to lunch with her cool ass fucking granddaughter but looking back and like thinking over the years and the ups and the downs of it all there is the truth of just like it all gets better it does if you take the time if you understand the situation if you're kind to yourself it does get better it's never cute and sexy and self-care and bubble bath

and you know the way the the men like to write it in the rom-coms of i'm gonna cry and eat ice cream with my face mask on and my toes out in a bubble bath with like soapy titties like i mean honestly sounds pretty great in my fucking head but in reality no sometimes it's messy it's hard it's nasty you don't look the best you've ever had but you take that time and you take that effort and you pour it into yourself and you trudge through the fucking dirt and you know you dig your fingers in the mud and pull yourself back up again it is always so worth it and it always gets easier it does it's like riding a bike i mean like yeah depression's like riding a bike but it really is like the first time i really ever suffered with depression was so hard and i

suffered for years years years years years years before i learned oh my god i can do something about this once I started doing that and then address the situation again when it happens and then do it again and then do it again whenever it happens to pop up whether in my control whether outside of my control whatever it may be there's gonna be ups and downs to life and the sooner you strap in that seat belt and ride that roller coaster and do the best you can and pull yourself up and pick yourself up the easier it gets and the less those hard times last okay I think kind of like um what i am going through right now back in the day i'd be i'd be out for the count for a couple months not gonna lie you're like oh that's so fucking dramatic yes how many times

do i have to say i'm a dramatic ass bitch it is what it is i don't know i have emotional issues damn like okay acceptance of who i am let's get there okay yes accept who we are but now being able to be so not in control but in tune with my emotions and not so afraid of myself but willing to work with myself angels and demons I'm able to get myself out of hard places faster to look for betterment in my in my life and search for it and go after it quicker to identify it easier and overall that has greatly impacted how positive my quality of life has been i think i'm a very happy individual i think i do live a very good life i think when i was diagnosed with depression it was something that i was very fearful of because i assumed that it just meant okay great

suffer 24 7 no one wants to fucking do that but in reality it's granted me a lot of pleasures of not only do i get to feel these highs but i do get to feel these lows and yes through hard times i do get to understand myself better than maybe people who only have good times do but once i realized after i went through like a couple really challenging moments once i realized oh shit i've learned like the double punch combo i've learned my coping mechanisms i've done the work it's getting easier I realized okay I can live with this and I can not only just live but really enjoy and participate in life with this diagnosis with what maybe I struggle with we all struggle in life we all do everybody will go through it no matter how privileged you are no matter

what you've set up for yourself you're all we're all going to struggle at some point we're all going to hit a rough patch a hard time so hopefully i set you guys up with a little bit more ideas and ways you can kind of regroup and put yourself on the right path i don't have all the answers i'm not a guru i'm a girl but i do know what has helped me and i wanted to really sit down and talk about it and kind of go more in depth instead of kind of maybe distracting ourselves with blow job questions today even though I do love those and yes we will get into it next episode don't worry I really want to do like a sex ed episode where you guys just send me all of your questions about sex and we talk about it because if there's two things I really want to just destigmatize

in my time here on earth it's mental health and depression and sex sex because it's just taboo and i think it makes people more safe to talk about it but also depression because it really truly is a silent killer um people think you know oh i don't want to bring down the energy in the room i don't want to talk about my problems because they're going to weigh on somebody else i don't want to i don't want to even address this side of myself because it's scary or i feel uncomfortable about it or no one's ever told me that depression exists and i don't know what the fuck i'm going through right now that was me at like 13 it's like oh my god why hmm this isn't something's wrong but i don't know what it is i really want to de-stigmatize it and bring back

talking about emotions because i have realized that this entire world has been really cut off from emotions i think post-covid and i'm guilty of this the idea perpetuated of no emotions are bad we should just like follow very strictly our heart and our brain like don't let someone love you don't love other people don't be vulnerable don't do this don't do that act this way these people need to act this way it's become so rigid and scary that talking about about two and five canadians will hear the words you have cancer that's why every step and dollar raised matters on september 19th join thousands in toronto for the princess margaret cancer foundation walk Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research.

Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. This episode is brought to you by Accenture. When your advertising operations fall out of sync, everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify.

Actions has become a little bit more difficult and a little bit more taboo, but I do think talking about depression and talking about my journey really does help. and I hope you guys feel that way because even though I'm making this as a podcast for other people to listen to I think I am mostly doing this for myself as a message to myself not only am I really trying to process in real time on a on a podcast on a microphone my journey and what I need to do and how I need to feel better but hopefully my train of thought and my internal processing will also inspire you to do the same okay you do not have to suffer in silence people want you to succeed and to grow and if you feel like you don't have anybody you have me i want

that for you the only person who can create it for you is yourself i know it's scary but also like isn't it so peaceful you'll never alone in this world when you have yourself and it's okay to want good things for yourself it's okay to want betterment for yourself you deserve that go after it please I beg of you please please please but that being said kind of got a little emotional there talking about 27 because I'm like looking at myself where I am now and I'm feeling very like nine-year-old Hannah right now I went to uh I went to go get my horse from the pasture and she's like careful the mud out there is really fucking crazy because it rained really hard this weekend she's like you might lose your boots and I was like oh my god yeah the the mud out in Kansas it's so it's

almost like clay it'll grab your shoes and like rip them off and it reminded me of when i was younger and we were out playing i was playing in the forest or whatever i don't know whatever i did and there was like a mud pit so i went to go like crawl in the mud pit i was i was a kid and i got my legs stuck in the mud pit and no one could get me out none of the kids could get me out so my dad had to come get me out and it was right before i was supposed to go celebrate like my grandma's birthday or something and they had to literally hose me down in the yard because i was so covered and caked in mud and here i am that 26 almost 27 sitting here in a cute little frilly dress with dirt caked under my fingernails and all over my legs it's like that person that

uninhibited completely herself wild fucking child will always exist no matter what and i'm glad that through self-healing and through learning about myself and understanding my emotions, not only am I able to live on and make her dreams a reality, but also I'm able to bring her back and let her keep living by persisting nonetheless. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. Life can be hard. It can be messy. It can be ugly. It can be terrifying. It can be all the negative things, but the positives make it so worth it sorry if this episode is a bit rambly but i think it's what i needed so i hope it's what you guys needed as well we'll get back to the usual crazy questions and call-ins next week but if you haven't heard it i just want to say i love you i'm here for you

i hope you can be there for yourself if you need help get it there's so many people out there who want to see you succeed you maybe just haven't met them yet or asked for their hand in this journey of life it is always worth getting back up getting back on the fucking horse and keeping it going and yes it does get easier with that being said though if you want to see more from me or if you want me to answer your question join the patreon patreon.com they get the real raw crazy fucking spilling my guts hannah sorry about that but also like it is what it is it's a good time over there and i answer every single question they're about two and a half hour episodes at this point in time i really go in and try and give you as many different

perspectives to your question as possible or the best answer possible we have a good time over there plus many other things eclipse season is coming up so we got to talk about that and aquarius new moon on the day of the fire horse uh the lunar new year begins i've been uploading a bunch of journal prompts as i personally have been journaling if you want to support me or show any love or maybe you need a little bit more community patreon is fantastic for that patreon.com slash smoke slash shawty vlogs i fell off we all knew that was gonna happen like i said that's okay i'm being patient and being kind with myself i know i need to do the internal work before i can kind of get back into that routine so thank you for being patient with me but those will be up shortly

on youtube hannah marlene 444 and if you want to submit your question every every week follow me on Instagram, at Hannah Marlene. But with that being said, stay sane, stay sexy, and I'll see you all so soon. Two in five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters on september 19th join thousands in toronto for the princess margaret cancer foundation walk challenge yourself friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research together we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer register today at pmcfwalk.ca hey y'all it's kelly clarkson with wayfair ever order

furniture online and wonder what if like what if it doesn't hold up that sofa was four days old You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust. Visit Wayfair.ca. Wayfair, every style, every home.