Smoke Sesh - how to not give a fuck, first highs & beating seasonal depression

Episode Date: November 4, 2025

hellooooo and welcome back to smoke sesh, we have a LOT to talk about and catch up on such as what I got up to over Halloween, party girl activities, dressing up and getting drunk, go to hangover routine, green juice, hydration, staying fed and full, shaming women, doing it for ya man, eating a, my routine to beat seasonal depression, ideal daily routine, 6 goals, dopamine menu, staying on task, powering through winter, surviving seasonal depression, winter blues, and going over my most popular topics like first highs, what those were and what I've done, what I believe living your best life really looks like now that I'm older, slowing down and taking life seriously, disappointing your parents, being yourself, standing up for yourself, being honest about who you are, living for yourself, people pleasing, and finally how to not give a fuck, how to prioritize what you care about, learning to utilize your emotional connection in a healthy way, sensitive girlies, and prioritizing your emotional wellbeing plus much much more!if you want to see what I'm up to on my travels and submit your questions follow the instagram at hannahmarlenejoin the patreon for extra fun content at patreon.com/smokeseshshawtyand watch the travel vlog once im back on YouTube at hannahmarlene444

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hello hotties of the world and welcome back to smoke sesh the internet's number one hangout spot guys i am so hungover genuinely genuinely genuinely i'm so hungover this is the last pre-recorded podcast i have to do because the girls will what they will always be fed vacation who i don't know her yes sure i will be traveling and doing my thing and doing my sightseeing but best believe i will never miss a goddamn tuesday okay sometimes my mental health takes a dip and i'm like you know what fuck it i still gotta sit down with the girls i still gotta make sure that they're having a good time and being fed so thank you for being here it truly means the world to me um and you are the reason i crawl my sweaty ass out of bed put on makeup a jumpsuit

some sunglasses chug a red bull and sit down to do this no matter how hungover i am i'm not sure which i i think this is gonna i'm not sure which days i'm gonna be uploading this or like which week um but you guys halloween was last night for whenever you're listening it probably wasn't last night for me personally it was last night and I had a blast maybe a little bit too much fun and I really wasn't planning on going hard the problem about being a party girl is you're like I'm just gonna keep it cool and casual tonight and then you're like okay we're at the third club like what's going on it's 3 a.m we're getting like kicked out it's the end of the night and you still want to party hello girl take a hint get that uber go home but no i had a blast

i ended up working on halloween just because like why not make a little extra cash you know me if there's one way to make a little extra money i'm gonna find it i'm gonna do it so i picked up a shift you know did a little worked a little bit um and i really thought you know well i was kind of hoping I was trying to really succumb the party girl demon inside of me by thinking oh well if I work and it's like maybe busy or even just working in general I'm gonna be tired and I'm not gonna want to go out because I'm going to Japan soon and you know I'm just gonna be like so busy and I won't want to do it so I show up to work and of course it's like dead but whatever we're having a good time and i'm like kind of you know getting my caffeine in feeling good people are coming in

in costume i'm like this is so cute wait a minute i'm feeling the halloween energy the energy is high it's good there's like these kids who showed up because my the restaurant's in like a neighborhood so there's these two little children who showed up they were dressed as like western cowboys holding like potato sacks and they walked in that restaurant walked straight to the back of the kitchen like no parents in tow they just walked back there they were trying to ransack the pizzas i was like this is so freaking funny like sorry we don't have any candy but like i don't know here's a pizza congratulations since you're the only child to trick or treat here you know you win but it was like a good night and you know when a good night like the energy

keeps building and building and building and you're like well now we got to keep adding to it well i wanted to go out like i said i was kind of hoping oh maybe i'm exhausted and i'll go home but my boyfriend had committed and done like complete face paint so i was like all right let's get it together i dressed up as i think the bride uma thurman you know from uh kill bill it was such a sexy costume thank god it worked out perfectly i'm still like stained red from fake blood and the owner of my restaurant also owns this like nightclub bar scene downtown so he was like ladies where are we going tonight because he is a major party party girl as well like when the girls are going out he's like I want to come too he's so funny he's like 70 years old I don't know

you know what fuck it if you can hang you can hang also if you can get me in for free and maybe get my drinks for free yeah let's fucking go so he ended up showing up at you know his other place and I showed up with my boyfriend and then my co-worker showed up with her boyfriend and then another co-worker showed up so the girls were out girling and having a good time and of course thank god like my boyfriend knew the bouncer and then um yeah the owner showed up and was like follow me i have your drinks waiting and he's so sweet this is a real gentleman what are you drinking okay cool i'll be back five minutes later here's your drink let's dance that's real gentleman gentleman work right there that is how you do chivalry okay pay attention men he was like i was

trying to order these drinks the bar and a fight broke out next to me they started fighting each they're over this girl he's like i don't know that was too much but i got my drinks faster because they didn't get order like period king it was such a cool vibe and i do like the places that i go to in kansas city to party because it's not so much like young crowds with like the line wrapped around the goddamn building i can't do that like i want to go where the weirdo niche freaks are like that's my kind of energy the people in their mid-20s or 30s who are just there to like maybe find a place where I can smoke a cigarette inside and also buy a drink at the same time like that's my ideal situation so we went there we had a good time we were dancing

around doing our little thing and then we bopped over to another venue and that was fantastic met up with some more friends at this point I was on drink number maybe like seven I was splitting them with my boyfriend though so don't worry and also in the grand scheme of things I'm kind of considering you know of course I'm gonna drink a Japan but like Halloween and Japan and like doing all that fun stuff partying enjoying my time I'm gonna just kind of go hard and then when the whole winter routine kicks in as soon as I get back home from my trip I think I'm gonna go stone cold sober ladies i know so scary how how will i survive in this life no i'm just kidding i'll be totally fine um so i'm getting out of my system you know i was like fuck it let's go party

let's go enjoy halloween why not and this freaking club i don't even know if i would call it a club this venue it was upstairs and then downstairs they had a haunted house like a makeshift haunted house when i tell you our drunk asses were stumbling through that haunted house we went around it like four times we're like uh i think we missed the spot let's go do it again oh my god i don't think it was scary enough let's go do it again the workers were like who are these dumb bitches fucking going through the haunted house over and over it was no cover chart i'm like let's go again fuck it let's do it dude my friend like crawled behind the walls as if she was like a scare actor and accidentally scared one of the scared actors they were like what are you doing

here why are you over here she's like i was just trying to scare my friends i'm so sorry there's a video of my friend twerking on an animatronic on my story like if you saw that you get the energy for the night but it was just it was so good we didn't get home until i don't think like four or five and then you guys my poor boyfriend had to wake up for work i think his alarm went off at 7 30 and then of course i have this condition this ailment where as soon as i like mentally wake up in the morning like sometimes i have brain fog and i'll wake up i'll go pee but i'm not mentally awake so i can go back to bed but as soon as i'm like awake and cognizant i'm up there's no going back to sleep even if i try like i tried this morning i was like oh my god i

actually need some freaking sleep i'm gonna lose my mind you know i tried to lay back down but it It's just me sweating and rolling around in bed, which is honestly like more miserable than just like getting up and going on with your day, you know? So I am doing this podcast with, um, like four hours of sleep, maybe. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to do the best I can, but I appreciate you guys being here and I will tell you what I think it's going to make for a really silly, really fun episode. so buckle up strap in let's get into it honestly i thought about doing this podcast drunk that's the real alcoholic hours of me but i'm like i'm already freaking silly and loopy like

you ever heard of hair of the dog where they're like well if you're that hungover like just keep drinking i've never done that before i don't know why i thought i would do that today but i was like maybe I just keep going. No, whenever the question is keep going with alcohol, the answer is absolutely goddamn not. So instead, I am supplementing today. You guys, here's my real hangover routine, the one that I literally have been doing for the past two hours. First of all, wake up, chug water, chug water, your body needs a chug water, my throat is all fucked up from like screaming in the haunted house chug water and then some sort of like ibuprofen something to help with like your brain swelling like something to bring the inflammation down okay because not

hangovers are caused by yes dehydration but also like your brain is literally swelling in your head and that's why you have a headache hello so take some sort of anti-inflammation i prefer an ibuprofen and then usually my morning routine i get straight into the coffee but i've found with um hangovers that if you go straight to coffee sometimes it can make you feel way worse like that dose of caffeine doesn't give you the boost of energy you need it really kind of just like shocks the brain and then i just get brain zaps all day so don't do that instead i get the largest green juice i can get my hands on i'm really serving california girl in my matching juicy tracksuit and this pink hat i wore this for one of the patreon episodes if you want to watch it go join patreon.com

slash smoke says shawty yes of course the patreon girlies will get their content too like i said i don't sleep i make sure the girls are fed everywhere they go hello i was like i gotta pull it out for a main episode because it's just so good but i go to i don't know whatever juice juice bar you have closest to you non-spawns but i go to nectar because it's just like the best the grillies and they're always so sweet and i get the largest like apple green detox i can get my hands on and i try and chug as much as much of it as i can i think it's mostly just like green apple ginger lemon kale uh whatever the fuck is green cucumber and then a shit ton of water you guys i have four of these in my fridge and that wasn't on purpose i actually

bought two because my poor boyfriend's at work so i dropped one off with him because i knew it was gonna make his body just actually function and then the girl was like you're the only person who's ordered anything this morning so i just like made them really big and i gave you extras huh oh my god i could kiss you on the lips right now how did you know i was so hungover and i needed this or else my freaking liver was gonna fall out of my body like thank you queen i love you you are my savior so shout out to her i'm working on this one but i cannot wait to chug the rest later oh my god this shit will get your body feeling like it can function okay your head might still hurt a little bit but your body will be functioning at a level where you're like okay whatever i need to

get done running errands doing this doing that yeah it'll it'll do the damn thing okay also i think you need to get up and go get it don't door dash that shit get up get in your car go and buy the green juice there's something about like having just something playing on the radio feeling the sunlight on your skin forcing yourself to move a little bit and then drinking this that brings you fully into your body the more you just lay down and rot the more the like thoughts are chasing you and it's just spooky scary times get up get a little sunlight on your face get in your car go buy your green juice come home okay that's what you need to do now i do follow it up with some sort of food you're gonna need food all right there's so many good different food

hangover or hangover food that you can get pho is a great option an egg sandwich is killer or like a breakfast burrito avoid spicy if you can i've realized that really fucks up my stomach when i'm hungover a quesadilla you know something good hearty me today a sub sandwich there's it's a rarity in life when I like finally succumb and get a Subway sandwich but it truly is one of life's greatest pleasures eating that plastic yoga mat bread that tastes two days old just covered in like sauces like I love a slutty sandwich maybe two or three times a year and usually always either on a road trip or while I'm hungover and so of course I had to get me a like foot-long Subway sandwich either that or Jimmy John's is fire I just wanted something like

crispy bready yummy savory and I'll tell you what after a Subway sandwich this green juice getting outside ibuprofen water and a Red Bull you guys I feel like I can function I was about to say run a marathon that's not true I'm I don't want to lie I shouldn't lie but I do feel like I could maybe function and start doing some laundry at least or like not be so terrified and in bed rolling around sweating anymore oh but you guys it was such a blast and last year i didn't go out on halloween so i'm glad i went out this year had a good time my co-workers are like the cutest little girls ever we just have a key and a ball wherever we go honestly and i'm so glad the boyfriends came along and they could get along and just like vibe and do their thing and shout

out to the owner of the restaurant for like getting us in he's such a king oh my god and the thing is he's not dressed for halloween at all in fact he kind of looks homeless everywhere he goes he's like hippie dippy in that sort of way someone came up to him and he's like oh my god are you a homeless man for he's like no actually i don't think you heard him but we all giggled oh my god oh i hope you guys had a fantastic halloween i hope you enjoyed your time if you are sitting here and you're like holy shit i have the worst anxiety ever don't you worry queen no one is thinking about you as much as you're thinking about yourself okay everybody's making mistakes on halloween night everybody's sloppy drunk that's what it's for it's for looking like a

slut and getting so drunk that you're just like being absolutely maniacally insane it is what it is everybody's experiencing that everybody's waking up with anxiety so who cares you know no one is thinking about you as much as you're thinking about yourself and if you really need to you know shut down that anxiety a little bit go ahead and listen to the confessionals episode because i'll tell you what any of the confessionals episodes that will help you put into perspective how little your mistakes truly are can we talk about eating man butt real quick this is gonna be a silly episode i told you okay so i've been seeing on tiktok maybe this is just like my freaking tiktok page i don't know about women being like no women should not eat man butt

but and you know what coming from a place of like care and compassion for women i get it i get it we as women do a lot for men and sometimes we push it to the limit you know but i argue you know as someone who has eaten man butt before and only one okay not like all of them that's not like my fetish or whatever that's sometimes you just want to give a little extra if you're getting a little extra you know sometimes when your man is that good you want to go over the top and in that sense never shame a woman for wanting to you know give love you know what i'm talking about but outside of that yeah babe like honestly if he is not deserving of like even a fucking forehead head kiss don't go down there that is not what you need to be doing situationships they don't

deserve to get their ass eat man you just met at a halloween party covered in blue paint babe please your faces not need to be covered in blue paint from those cheeks now your husband of like 10 years and you're like well shit do we switch it up like he just bought me this new diamond bracelet like fuck it do i go down there yeah babe why the fuck not if you want to like i love that sometimes what's so good about like getting freaky in the sheets is being like i love you so much i want to give you as much pleasure as possible and i think that's beautiful okay but the conversation on tiktok where people are like women should not ever eat a man's ass i think generally you're so right about that because it is a rarity where you will find a man who deserves to get his ass eaten

but but but but if you do find that one good one and you're like you know i just really want to blow his fucking mind hey who am i to judge who am i to judge anyways anxiety cured me talking about eating ass on the internet anyways this is just gonna be a rambly episode where i see how in tune I am with the universe genuinely um I'm just gonna talk about what's on my mind and you know what I really hope the girls are on the same vibe as me truly and honestly okay I guess this is a good time for me to tell you about my lock-in plan about I don't know maybe four episodes ago yes I was talking about my winter arc you know and what I will be doing um going into winter to stay as sane as possible because I am somebody who gets pretty bad winter blues okay seasonal

depression oh me and her unfortunately get along a little too well all right and when I tell you I walked out of that club last night on Halloween and there was a chill in the air that I haven't felt all fall it truly felt like you know winter is here you know Mariah Carey is singing in my ears right now and oh my god it's here what do we do brace for impact so I talked about my the four-step plan um where the first kind of month is game planning all right the second month is hibernation integration which is probably like the hardest part I think it's like four to six weeks where you take all of your game plans you know your weekly routine what you want to be doing how you want to be living then you integrate it and then when we're in like deep winter I'm talking

end of December through January into February we have just like you're basically riding the wave you did the hard part now you're in routine now you just do the best you can to stick to it and then bam it's pretty much spring so phase two is coming up and it will start as soon as I get home from Japan this is kind of kind of my last little hurrah my last little enjoyment before I am locked the fuck in but I figured I'd talk about what I am planning on doing so if you are still we still have time don't worry but if you are still in your like prepping and preparing phase you kind of know what to look for and maybe find some inspiration. So first of all, I started with my just daily routine. What am I looking for? What do I want to incorporate? And no matter how big

or how small, write it down. Write down your dream daily routine. Something fairly easy but good for you to stick to so in the morning I have hydrate immediately before caffeine I have a really bad habit of waking up and the first thing I put in my body is like a double shot of like bitter ass espresso and that just can't be good for anything going on in my system so when I wake up first thing in the morning hydrate with a large glass of just you know room temp water ideally so I don't shock my system any water will do but wake up hydrate and then caffeine caffeine's okay i'm not the kind of girl who's like yeah i can cut out coffee yeah i can do that no no no no no no if i want to cut out some substances let me have my caffeine at least like dear god can the girl

survive with just a little caffeine i don't know we'll find out then i really want to cut down on my phone time in the morning i'm somebody before i get to work you know i'll kind of put things off or I'll just like scroll scroll scroll and then once I start scrolling I get kind of like a scroll hole one would say where I just don't stop so I'm gonna set my a timer on my phone or just like a parent protection situation where it's like okay you get 30 minutes you know times you get a 30 minute little catch-up respond to emails do whatever whatever you need to do scroll on Pinterest if you want you got your your free time all right and then stretch I want to do 10 minute stretch in the morning roll out my yoga mat just stretch my hips stretch my knees stretch my arms

stretch my back I realized horseback riding I am not as stretchy as I need to be which is a very odd thing to say but like when I'm trying to communicate with my legs I don't have the length I'm not able to like really engage in the length of my legs as much as I need and so I want to incorporate just a quick 10 minute stretch it could be following a video it could be doing my own thing i don't care just 10 minutes easy peasy okay more water vitamins now i don't know what vitamins i'm gonna take but i need to at least have like a daily supplement and you guys you know what's really changed the game i started this about a month ago so i can tell you from experience fiber oh my god we do not get enough fiber fiber gummies are where it's at i usually eat them uh

before bed just so it has time to settle in my system but fiber gummies have changed the game for me and especially in the dead of winter we need to make sure that we're getting all of our vitamins okay we need to make sure that we are fueled and our body is feeling good so then our brain can feel good so i think just like a women's daily vitamin i think is going to be exactly what i need and then something fairly new that i want to add into my routine is getting ready in the morning i have a very bad habit of simply just letting myself kind of like raw especially like being somebody who works from home quite often um i'll just throw on a big t-shirt and a comfy pair of shorts and just like kind of look a mess and there's nothing genuinely wrong with that at

all but I find myself wanting to just like or like I find myself sometimes feeling like I lose a part of myself by not allowing myself to express fully my how I want to style maybe do my hair you know it's not for other people it's just like I enjoy putting together a good outfit and I realize I don't have a lot of opportunities for that because I think I have to wait for big things when really every day is an opportunity for me to dress up and look good and just like enjoy expressing myself and my individuality through style so I really want to incorporate like pre-lunch end of my morning routine solid get ready doesn't mean I have to get like crazy put together but just something that makes me feel good that's outside of my usual norm which is like a stained t-shirt

in a dirty pair of shorts like let's do something a little bit more okay now afternoon work duh i spend most of my afternoons working lunch um and my lunches i really want to find something i'm somebody who can truly and honestly like once i find a hyper fixation meal i could eat it for years so i need to find a good solid balanced lunch i'm working on figuring that out but i need something a little bit lighter i find myself if i eat something like really big in the middle the day like it kills my motivation and I get really tired and sleepy because duh when I eat a big meal my body has to like pause and slow down and process it so I'm trying to find a good balance of like grains veggies protein a little fruit here and there that makes me feel fueled

and full but like also motivated to keep moving throughout the day and then maybe the hardest thing to integrate i'm not even kidding is at the end of my afternoon routine going to the gym i'm going to try and this might be my biggest goal i'm gonna try and go to the gym every day every day maybe one day off never two days off in a row but i'm gonna try and go to the gym every day the hobbies that i've been wanting to do just like getting older in general you start feeling your body get older and that's a fucking trip where you're like oh i've never felt my knees do that before or why are my shoulders randomly hurting oh my god my joints uh-oh that's a problem and also i'm really worried about bone density because a lot of the women in my family have um

like broken a lot of things in their like older years from falling or things like that um and it's because of low bone density and that's just because we are not utilizing our bones as much as we need to we need to build up that strength we need to make sure we're getting our supplements in that we're eating correctly and working out so then our bodies are resilient throughout the years i see the way my dad ages and it is like impressive honestly the fact that he's like 60 oh my god 60 that's crazy um and he's in like perfect shape i'm not even kidding he looks like a bodybuilder it's because he goes to the gym every single day he is also an adhd girly hey and he uses the gym as a way to because he's struggled with um anger issues in the past

which i think is just like an over influx of emotion and not knowing not knowing what to do with it and i get the same way but not with anger with anxiety and so he communicated to me he was like the gym is a place where i go to like release that built up energy that if i don't do something with is going to turn into something negative and i was like oh okay yes two plus two is four you're so right about that and so i just think it's going to be so good for me i think it's something that i need to do it's something that I do it will have so many good effects on me I just need to get it into my routine and get it done so then I feel good to go um and I feel complete as an individual and I'm gonna do that in the afternoon because I feel like in the morning time I just I hate being

sweaty all day and I can't shower in the morning it doesn't make sense to me I have to shower at night or in the afternoons so afternoon workout come home shower and then i will have my hobbies in the evening um i'm still working on finding my other hobby we'll get to that but gym and then hobbies ideally and then evening shower maybe a little dopamine boost after that from something on our dopamine list we'll get to their dinner after dinner reading one chapter at the very least every night i pretty much always do that it's not every night i am i have been really good about reading which i love um it has been just so nice to implement and i think it's gonna be fantastic during the winter because it's like nice to have a little escapism in the winter let's be

honest when we can't go outside we might as well escape into our heads healthily and then rest eight hours no more no less so it's a pretty simple honestly like it's a fairly simple daily routine but you see how I literally wrote it all out so then it's not just like a plan that's sitting in my head that's like oh I forgot to do this thing because I didn't know it's like no I know exactly what I need to do it's here it's written down it's got emojis next to it it's highlighted in different colors like I know exactly what I need to do I have my list ready to go so there is no excuses now when it comes to the winter routine I also have six rules for myself I think having six rules or six challenges is what really transforms the daily routine

goes past it and makes it a little more challenging first of all daily workout all right go to the gym daily if I miss a day like I said that's okay just don't miss two daily stretch slash meditate like I said in the mornings I want to just stretch my bones stretch my body or if I feel like stretching is it what I need then slow down and try and recenter and refocus my thoughts um drink three large bottles of water I find myself being really bad about drinking water and it's not because I don't drink water it's because honestly and I think this is it's I it's about the ease of it okay and my water bottle is really small and I hate filling it up so I'll fill it up like three times and be like oh that's enough but really my water bottle since it's

small i need to fill it up like 12 times so i'm gonna get myself a big ass water bottle like a jug and try and drink i mean three of them or as much water as i possibly can that is healthy also during this time i'm gonna attempt to do no fast food so no door dash uh-uh no door dash no taco bell oh i love it so much i love it so much you guys last night after halloween we drove by Taco Bell and literally there was a car 20 cars wrapped around the building I wanted it so bad but I was not about to sit in that line okay so no fast food I don't really do fast food that often it's just if I work late I'll be like okay let me go grab a burger or let me go grab Taco Bell like I said here's the thing you can make Taco Bell at home it's okay I'm fine with eating

bad at home I have no problem with that it's just cooking it from scratch is going to be so much better for me honestly and I do waste a lot of money on door dash so no more of that canceled door dash is canceled in this household the hardest one well we'll see no alcohol I feel like it won't be that hard once I like get into like a week of not doing it just get it out of my routine fully it's gonna be fairly easy and also social environments I feel like it really won't be a huge problem the people I'm around are people who like don't have to drink you know like literally one of my co-workers last night she was just off the yard all night and she was so silly and funny i was like are you sure you're not drunk she's like no no i went too crazy last

weekend so i'm just i'm going sober tonight us going sober is literally just high as hell so i think once it's just out of my routine it'll be very easy to stick to that but no alcohol and last one is that six one two three four six yes uh read one chapter a day period period so easy Hannah you got this you got this queen now to make sure we stay mentally sane during these challenges and to just keep us going forward is a dopamine menu okay dopamine menus are very important especially during the winter even if you don't challenge yourself and you don't do any winter arc you don't do any of like these oh my gosh I need to restructure my entire life I think you do need at least to survive seasonal depression a dopamine menu because seasonal depression hits

when the dopamine is lacking in our brains and we are just struggle busted and we're like oh my god now i'm seeking out pleasure in the worst possible places okay so dopamine menu and it doesn't have to be healthy i would like to preface dopamine menus don't have to be healthy they just have to be structured for the lifestyle you want to live does that make sense so yeah maybe on your dopamine menu is a glass of wine at the end of the day congratulations you can control yourself and do that I can't so it can't be on my dopamine menu because one glass is going to turn into three you know so here's what's on my dopamine menu first one and my favorite freaking thing for the winter a sauna especially like a red light therapy sauna oh my goodness i discovered this place like

a yoga um spot they also have saunas that you can rent for like 20 bucks an hour 20 dollars girl that's a chipotle burrito like go sit in that sauna go sweat it out go lay under the red lights it's good for your skin it's good for your brain it's good for your body you get like so hot you feel it in your bones and then when you walk outside and it's like snowing it's like wow this is amazing like i feel like i just walked i'm like walking summer it's so good and if you have any places around you i highly recommend checking out a sauna and this comes from the idea that like red light therapy is really good for our brains as well because it can stimulate the same kind of feeling that sunlight would um and i when i'm lacking sunlight when it's gloomy

gloomy scary i like i also get gloomy and scary so as much simulated sunlight as possible even just like stepping outside into the cold cold shocking yourself walking back inside just getting a little sunlight on your face or just like supplementing from somewhere else is very important so that's number one on my dopamine routine because it's something that i really enjoy and love easy one some sort of like self-care facial face mask i have a facialist i go to so maybe that's like a big indulgence if I really need something but also just like a cute little mud mask maybe I paint my toes you know something just small and fun you know don't overlook the little things and just look towards the big things because the little things really do truly add up

and when you don't have that motivation you'd be surprised how much the little things can really just switch your mood around so any sort of self-care is fantastic for a dopamine menu um a big meal you know me i love to eat i do oh my god it's so good i love food and the thing is i love a big meal i love a big meal that's like oh my god i'm so full i'm gonna pass out it's probably not how you should be eating but it's my it's one of my favorite ways to eat so maybe that's on my dopamine menu is where i go in the kitchen and i cook myself my favorite meal i'm really craving taco bell so i make myself a homemade homemade black bean grilled cheese burrito because it's the best thing to ever exist and i eat it all and i pass out you know it's okay

it's a good little dopamine boost it's not ideal it's not something you can do every single day but it is a great way to get that instant serotonin drop this is a good one if you need a distraction facetiming a friend i feel like we as an online generation are very disconnected from our people um i find this happening to myself too where i will just be like oh fuck i got so busy i just forgot to check in with this friend for a month and i'm very lucky that all of my friends are also very like high achieving and busy people so they don't even care they're like no no i get you girl like i've also been crazy busy but like thinking of you you know um so i think it's a great way to kind of like silence the demons distract yourself a little bit and also like

build that connection like hey girl miss you what are you up to oh my god that's crazy let's chat for an hour and a half oh my god i do this with my friend every time i go to horseback riding lessons because it's like an hour away it's an hour drive so i'm like perfect this is a great time to call her instead of just like sitting in the car in silence or listening to music which sometimes i do do um i get a chat with my friend and catch up with her and it's it's great it's a good dopamine boost i never don't feel good getting off the phone with her this is also controversial but it is a great dopamine boost shopping online shopping i know i know you're like actually that's something i want to cut out of my um routine and maybe it is maybe that's one

of your six rules is no more online shopping fantastic congratulations i'm gonna allow myself just a little online shopping i'm good about controlling it i'm good about not going like overboard and crazy so if there is like a little something i want and it's something i've been looking at for a while and it's under a hundred dollars and i've really been thinking about it and i've been saving up the money like fuck it you know dopamine boost go ahead treat yourself girl fuck it it's not for everybody but it is for me because i am a bitch who loves to shop oh my god i can't wait to be in harajuku shopping you guys you have no idea how excited i am i'm gonna come back to this podcast looking so good another thing on my dopamine menu is a good

pinterest scroll one thing about me i can get really caught up in tiktok and tiktok just really kills our brains but like i love collecting imagery and like online scrapbooking i look at it the same way i would scrapbooking just like digital scrapbooking so i love a good tumblr scroll or pinterest scroll um so that's on my dopamine menu it's great just to kind of like distract myself for like five minutes set a timer allow myself to do a little escapism and look at pretty pictures and then move on a fun drink okay my green juice fantastic amazing maybe like a cappuccino maybe a little pumpkin spice something a candy cane coated chocolate shake I don't know you know a little aperitif just a fun drink I'm a girl I can't deny myself I do like a fun drink

no alcohol though two in five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer that's why every step and dollar raised matters on september 19th join thousands in toronto for the princess margaret cancer foundation walk challenge yourself friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research together we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer register today at pmcfwalk.ca legendary is here with bet mgm sportsbook sign up to unlock access to hundreds of pre-match and live betting options for all your favorite sports download the bet mgm app see bet mgm.com for terms 18 plus alberta only please play responsibly subject to eligibility requirements if gambling is affecting your mental health or well-being

211 alberta is here to help call or text 211 or visit ab.211.ca bet mgm operates pursuant to an operating agreement with the alberta i-gaming corporation standard message and data rates may apply quick cleanup I know you're like a dopamine menu what do you mean quick cleanup you'd be surprised if you set a timer for like 10 minutes then you go around your house and just pick up all the little random things you'd be surprised how much you can get done and how much better you feel after just like dedicating that 10 minutes to yourself I am somebody who would like rather get fist fought than do laundry and to get myself to do laundry I will literally be like okay set a timer 10 minutes lock in see how much laundry you can get done in 10 minutes and you'd

be surprised it's literally all of it it's all of it yeah yeah it doesn't take an hour of your life I mean unless you have that much built up but you can get it done fairly quickly and you feel so much better after it because you're like oh great just like another thing off the list I don't have to stress myself out anymore I feel like I'm accomplishing things getting it done so a quick cleanup like a five minute ten minute cleanup it does have a drastic effect on your dopamine it makes you feel better arts and crafts this is so overlooked and we gotta get crafty this season girlies we gotta start making like garlands and decorating decorating for the season that's fantastic for a dopamine menu i will be decorating christmas new years and of course valentine's i

think it's just a great way to kind of like keep the energy high and make sure i'm staying on track for the winter and just like looking forward to the future uh but any sort of arts and crafts and these should be silly arts and crafts i mean you can get into like i want to knit i think that's more in the category of hobbies where they're a little bit more in depth you have to do a little bit more learning and then you can get into it but i'm talking very simple like paint by numbers puzzles maybe one of those like rhinestoning crafts like go into the kids craft section pick up like a looming kit you know and just get silly and have some fun break out the colored pencils the pastels and some paper and just draw but arts and crafts is fantastic for taking your

mind off like the scaries and getting more in your body one thing that i really enjoyed about art and why i love being creative is because it's always been an escape from my brain and forced me to be in my body the same way like my dad works out as a way to like connect more with his body and less with his mind um art is the same way for me and the more mindless i can be during my art the better okay i love a simple arts and crafts like don't take yourself seriously during this time this is like play time allow yourself to be a child for like this one second and indulge a little bit have some fun get some pottery painted at your house silly and joyful arts and crafts okay now that's what's on my dopamine list it'll probably keep building and building as i come

up with more things that help so i will update you guys on what i discover but last but not least i know you're like bitch what the fuck are you completely transforming your life yeah girl that's like the whole point um last but not least in the whole list of things you know your six rules your daily ideal routine, your challenges, your dopamine list. Last but not least, two hobbies. Two hobbies. What is a hobby? A hobby is something that brings you joy, gets you out of your usual routine, challenges you to be a beginner, challenges you to learn, and most importantly it's not monetized your hobbies should not be monetized when you monetize a hobby it turns into a job we don't know we we have that we can create that if we want but we're

focused on our hobbies okay for me and what i'm planning on doing this upcoming winter of course continuing horseback riding lessons which I know I won't be able to do as much as I want this winter considering the weather conditions or how willing obviously the horses are going to be able to participate so thus I have a second one to make sure that I'm getting in enough creative enjoyment and that is I want to start silversmithing I want to learn how to silversmith it's something that my great grandmas have done and like literally all of my rings that i wear my grandmas have made i have such a fantastic turquoise collection from them that i never get to break out but it's just so beautiful and i'd love to carry on that tradition i think it'd be

really fun to be a student again and to learn and to get that creative hobby challenge myself get myself outside of my comfort zone it's nice to be new as something it's always so enjoyable so that's gonna be my next hobby and I'll pick that up I'll start taking lessons or classes um after I get back so and the grand scheme of things it looks it seems like a lot but if you take literally this took me one day to come up with take one day maybe it's like a Sunday okay you're hung over in bed right now girl get your pen and paper out I do all of my note taking in my notes app I love the notes app down me and notes app against the world for real sit down write it all down we are fortunately and unfortunately in control of our lives and we

can create it for the better or the worst depending on the actions and choices that we make and so i think i especially being out of college i have been lacking discipline i i have discipline with things in my life of course things that i enjoy but i lack discipline with things that i don't enjoy very normal to be like well i don't want to go to the gym so i'm not going to go to gym but i need to be start following through on those things and challenging myself in ways that i've never done before because every time i challenge myself every single time i reap so many benefits truly and honestly the universe is like and here's a gift you challenge yourself you put yourself out here here's a gift and i fear i want a big gift basket so i am gonna just keep

putting myself out out there and keep challenging myself because like what is there to lose i'll always have myself and i'll always be doing safe things so like truly what is there to lose your old life that you hate yeah okay i know that was a ramble but i feel like my last like going over it was very vague so i wanted to get a little more detailed with you all i think we have two more weeks before technically it is time for hibernation integration begins it's literally on my calendar so lock in ladies you can create the life of your dreams just how bad do you want it you know all right all right all right now for the rest of this episode i wanted to get on here and go back over topics that i had talked about before from like my most popular episodes

oh my god some of these episodes have so many listens thank you happy to be here happy to have you here honestly um and i wanted to go over some topics that got the most attention topics that were highly talked about highly enjoyed and revisit them and see if my mind's changed because honestly it probably has my mind changed like the wind if i'm being honest it's just a gemini thing i can't help myself one of my top episodes is titled first highs and living your best life and I love that combo because it's like first highs are definitely not living your best life like first time you get high is actually maybe the worst time of your life I've had many of first times and I'll tell you what looking back every time I had my first high on whatever it was

instantly I felt that addict's brain kick in where it's like I see why people get addicted to this shit i do i really do i see why people fucking love this shit now last time i talked about it i think i only talked about weed but we'll just go ahead and talk about everything i've done why not in minecraft anyways weed of course i had my first high in this random girl's bedroom which like so safe and cozy if you really think about it like teenage girl bedroom absolutely not like some freaking weed den in this random man's house thank god it was just in this girl's teenage bedroom her parents weren't home we hit a gravity bong in her bedroom closet blew it out the window and i was so goddamn high and i think my parents knew they had to have known because i

hit this shit and i was like oh time is moving very slow and i went over to her house to quote unquote study it was me my best friend and her and I had to call my parents and I was like I can't come home and they did not allow me to stay out on school nights I think it was like a Thursday they never did nope they never allowed me to stay over at anybody's house anybody stay over at my house we I was not allowed to do things where I was spending the night on school nights so me mustering up the courage to call my parents and be like I just I can't tell you why but I need to stay here I'm glad that they understood and were like no you're fine like you can you can spend the night it's whatever you know because there was no way in hell I was gonna be able to

drive my car home the girl whose gravity bong I ripped in her closet was like just pretend you're a crayon coloring in between the lines yeah no I think I'm gonna sleep on your bed actually but I definitely remember smoking and being like oh yeah this is something I'm gonna be doing for a while oh yeah this is something I've been doing for a while that's for sure and I think at the time I was a sophomore in high school and best believe I have been doing it since then yes absolutely so young Hannah was absolutely right about that now moving on next big drug I did was in college and that would be miss molly yep another very very big episode we talk about molly and me and molly honestly looking back had a friendship that of a toxic relationship

where it's like when we feel good we feel really good and when we feel bad we feel really bad I remember one time I went to go stay at my brother's apartment with him and my sister-in-law because they lived in the city at the time and sometimes I just like want to escape my parents house so I go like crash out at their place and I was talking about weed you know oh my god yeah I do smoke weed isn't that crazy and then my brother was like oh yeah I did Molly one time and I was like what the freak because like he's not the kind of person to do that he's very straight edge and he told me I remember he told me these words this was like two years before I did it but he was like i remember doing molly and thinking to myself like i i would not be mad if i did this

for the rest of my life because it feels that good but he said it in a way of like it's like scary like that's how good it feels but also like addict brained like and i would love to do it for the rest of my life and i took that and i said oh okay fun drug heard i was young okay and i did molly for the first time ever at a music festival yep i did it was at dance fest in kansas city they do like a big edm festival it used to be so good but it's too many like hard edm i'm like i don't want to break my neck that much can we get some melodies here and there um and it was my first ever festival first ever camping festival it was such a vibe um because it was like all of my high school friends you're all out there we were setting up tents we were enjoying our time i was

with like people who were like running the festival and they were just so welcoming and it was my first festival environment i had never really been to any like edm shows or um concerts so it was all so new to me and i just love the community and i need to get to more festivals because festival community is like top tier everybody is so kind so nice popping in and out everybody's tents like saying hi do you want this like fresh baked cookie i made no there's no drugs in it don't worry if there was i would tell you and i would probably charge you money but like oh my god taking care of you do you want to borrow my shoes oh you have blisters let me make sure you have like uh some band-aids or some moleskin like so encompassing and so beautiful it feels like i'm

literally back in the womb like floating around in amniotic fluid like truly held by my mother again like it's just so beautiful to see community come together and be on the same vibe it's so cute honestly and I ended up doing Molly for the first time ever there and I remember I took it and I was like okay okay like when's it gonna start when's it gonna start and we were in the middle front of the crowd and I was seeing Alice in Wonderland if you ever have the chance to see Allison Wonderland perform she is the baddest bitch I have ever seen and no it's not because I was rolling for the first time while watching her set she just puts on such a good show and I love her music from like an EDM standpoint but I remember you know pitch black screen all of a

sudden there's fire in the sign of her like logo she's standing up there the beat drops instantly the molly hits i felt like i was levitating off the ground oh my goodness and then you know rolling my ass off everybody's around me giving me bracelets like hugs how you doing checking in oh my god this crazy totem here there's a random flag there there's bubbles like everybody's having a good time everybody's vibing i'm vibing amazing music shout out alice in wonderland for assisting in that first trip concert ends we're like what the fuck do we do we're wandering around you know popping in and out of booths and tents and i just remember being like oh yeah this is gonna be a problem but also like i'm having so much fun so like

why would I make the fun stop you know and there was this like caravan remember this so vividly it's like we're in a pitch black forest and there's like an old-timey caravan and there is smooth guitar music coming out of the caravan and it's like golden glowing bright with like a sliding door on the sides and I'm like I'm being drawn to this like a fish to a worm and I fear they've caught me i fear i'm hooked like let me flow over like i felt like i could literally see the music notes drifting out of the caravan and i pop in and there's this man and like ripped man practically oiled up in sequined shorts playing like this baby blue bass guitar like this beautiful music and i was like oh my god i'm not on this planet earth right now yeah as i'm talking about

my molly stories here's the thing this shit and i don't mean to hype it up is so addicting it really is and that's when i come in with the whole toxic relationship of it all as somebody who has always been chasing dopamine and has a history of um just addiction and her family i wish i never would have taken it i do because it is something that i think about quite often where i'm like ah I I'm forever chasing that first high I am I am and I know I can't do it anymore I know I will never be able to do it again but that definitely triggered a series of events in my life where I mean I was with a toxic person and I think I was putting up with the toxic person because of the molly and the molly being a synthetic high of our relationship where it was

like we only got along when we were both on molly out partying at concerts and clubs and raves but then like of course the comedown is so hard on your brain and just like really awful to your brain especially someone who faces depression like oh you want to trigger a depressive episode yeah that's essentially what the comedown of molly is like for an entire month of your life afterwards it is just so not worth the highs and the lows and also like the possibility that your shit could be laced like it's so dangerous out there please anytime you're doing anything like you need to be testing absolutely whether it's like testing fucking dick for stds or testing whatever this girl is feeding you out of her pinky finger like please make sure it's tested

and safe i it's just it's not worth your life ever it isn't um but i did go on a series of like very high highs and very low lows because of molly and that was for about honestly like i think i lost and i i like to use the word lost capital l-o-s-t i lost two years of my life to that to a horrible relationship and synthetic highs and lows and goddamn i really should just listen my brother when he was like no i had a really good time but also like it's scary like that's just it's just not normal you know and your first high is never as good as the next one i'll tell you that especially with molly i'm just constantly chasing it and then being in a negative relationship while also participating just definitely didn't help if i could go back in time i would never do

molly again i think it would just save me so many troubles in the long run what's next i'm trying to go in alphabetical order not alphabetical but timeline order of when I've tried things oh next is acid I'm good on acid I don't need to be doing that I don't I remember um I had dropped out of college and moved back to my parents house and then I had like a semester in between I started art school so I had that semester off and I was just working at a restaurant and my friend from My old college, my nursing school friend was like, I miss you. I'm going to come down for the weekend because my parents are out of town. And I was like, perfect.

Love it. Yes, babe, please come down. She's like, also, I got us two tabs of acid because she just she used to do a lot of acid, which is very odd for her. Like, I don't know what I think of her. I don't think of that, but whatever to each their own. And so I was working at a restaurant at that point in time and I was like, OK, well, I have to work late.

So just come by the restaurant. like i'll feed you i'll make sure you have a little drink and just hang out while i close so she came down hung out while i closed it's probably like 10 p.m we finally made it back to my house by like 11 she's like all right let's eat this shit two and five canadians will hear the words you have cancer that's why every step and dollar raised matters on september 19th join thousands in toronto for the princess margaret cancer foundation walk challenge yourself friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research together we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer register today at pmcfwalk.ca

your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply there's no need for you to be eating acid that late at night because acid is a full 12 hour goddamn trip and that's too long thus i don't like acid that's too long i don't need to be that far out of my fucking mind it's in the dead of winter so you can't even like be outside it's 11 p.m we're

eating acid and i just remember a couple key notes a the google like cast loading screen on my parents television was like high definition nature photography and it was so beautiful to look at honestly and i thought it was moving no those were still images babe like your brain was just freaking out and so staring at those high definition like national geographic images were just like wow there is beauty in the world thank god we were also making friendship bracelets at the same time so you're tripping balls like making friendship bracelets keep in mind in dead silence like we're not even talking to each other we're just making friendship places like 3 a.m i remember what another time like on another time that same night we ended up like out in our

car for some reason not driving i think we were like smoking some weed and didn't want to smoke inside so we were smoking in the car and i was just staring at the trees like the dark trees in front of like a blue night sky and they looked like they were waving and i was like i gotta go inside and then we watched the sunrise you know the sun rises you're like i need to go to bed jesus christ and i we had turned on like hannah montana on my laptop and i remember i was trying to like force myself to go to sleep like please fall asleep please fall asleep please fall asleep babe you don't fall asleep on acid that doesn't happen like same thing with molly you're up you're up you're up until it's until it releases you so then we were awake and just like well fuck it

now we were finally coming down like 12 hours later and we're like we need food it's the afternoon and so we ended up at this like bagel place and the I had just broken up with my ex at the time and I remember the local synagogue had just gotten out of service right next door and all of these like Jewish grandmothers started filing into the bagel place and I'm still like pupils fully dilated in a tie-dye hoodie looking greasy hot mess like not tripping but definitely like could tell I had a night and I started tweaking out because I'm like oh my god my ex's grandma is gonna walk in here and see me tweaking out the bagel shop on a Sunday morning like I we gotta go I can't be here and then we went home and I was like I gotta go to bed and she drove

all the way back to school it was just like we did not need to be doing all that not fun my brain was so tired after that experience I felt like it really wasn't it just was like wow that was a lot i didn't really have any existential understandings that maybe some people have on acid i was like i already know how to experience empathy like it's fine but i did really love looking at those national geographic pictures i think you can get the same effect by just staring at paintings in a museum you don't need acid um next would be oh my least favorite in minecraft not real um coke dude everybody does coke and that's the thing about getting older you realize like everybody does coke and most people have had an std before and that's just that's just

being a slutty adult i'll tell you that and it's just not good it is not good like when i think about all the la girls who are out partying and like bonding over coke i'm like oh like this is it's just lame i'm like you first time i ever tried it i was going to the bathroom at a rave not rolling but just like drinking and having a good time and i was next in line to go into a stall and stall opens girl walks out i walk in and i go to turn the turn around to shut the door and another girl followed me in and i was like you know i'm a girl's girl i don't really know whatever she followed me she's a hey girl i'm just gonna come with you okay cool so she just freaking came into the bathroom and then she in the span of two seconds locks the door whips out

her phone and forms a line on her phone and is like in the snorted it and just was like okay your turn and when i'm in a position like that especially when i was younger and i had just come out of a breakup and was just like oh yeah i'll do anything of course you know in minecraft theoretically i would snort that line and i did and it was just like oh wow you're cracked out that is you're cracked out and that is not a fun feeling i don't i don't want to feel cracked out i don't need to do that i can experience that same effect for like practically no cost to my life and my brain with a double vodka red bull truly and honestly you can get that same experience from a double vodka red bull specifically from a gay bar now that is a real high that is a real

challenge right there but no hate hate hate and you know what's worse is i hate a coke head i really do like please seek help because everybody around you knows you're on cocaine you think you're sneaking off to the bathroom and I know this because I have worked in many restaurants everybody's on goddamn cocaine there okay not me because I just you I can't do it it's just like such a waste of time and energy but like literally they would think they're being like oh so sneaky I'm just gonna go to the bathroom I'm just gonna pee during this rush and they come back like like snorting and their eyes are all dilated and I'm like oh my god baby you think you're pulling this off and you're not and now you can't even focus to make the goddamn drinks for my table and

now i'm pissed off now i'm pissed off okay same thing with this chef that i used to work with he's like supposed to be running expo line and he can't fucking focus because he's so goddamn coked out and i'm like brother take a breather like let me take over expo goddamn you're ruining all my shit like oh there's nothing worse there is nothing worse please the love of god it's not worth it not worth it don't do it i mean any drug probably not worth it but like definitely goddamn not cocaine that's for sure and then last but not least mushrooms first time i ever did mushrooms was with my current boyfriend um it was during covid and i was sneaking out of my parents house to go see him oh high school romance no i was fucking 21 at the time and um yeah i was sneaking

out over to his place to go hang out literally i would wait till my parents went to bed i'd wait literally romeo and julia okay who no i'm kidding but wait till my parents went to bed and then i would sneak out the back door as quietly as i could literally get in my car drive 30 minutes to see him and we would just stay up all night like fucking and chatting but there was this one night where he's like hey like um i have some mushrooms you want to take them and i had never done mushrooms before but the thing is when i would sneak out i would go over i would hang out and then like 5 a.m my parents usually woke up around 7 so 5 a.m 5 30 i would get up and i'd drive home and then i would go to bed isn't that insane like i wouldn't even stay over there i

would drive all the way fucking home anyways that's just too much energy to be doing that um but one night you know we decided to partake in some mushrooms which is something that he used to do quite often we even i haven't done them in a while honestly probably a couple years let's eat some mushrooms and i remember he was working at the time he was like a essential worker so we ate these mushrooms and we're like having a good time vibing and i could feel them kind of come on but he passed out asleep next to me because hello hard-working man exhausted tired i'm sneaking over it's 3 a.m but as soon as he fell asleep i was up and the thing is he was so cute when he was like he knew i was nervous so the first time i came over he made this like

bed on the ground out of blankets and pillows because he's like you want to be grounded he's like a bunch of like disco lights going and just like some mood lighting it was cute i was like okay vibe king thank you but i remember he passed out and i was just like it was starting to hit me and i i remember this so vividly um he was playing plastic beach the album by the gorillas and i remember it coming on and then melancholy hill started playing and i remember i just started like sobbing like a good sob where it was like i was so moved by the music i was like i can't help but just like shed a tear and i was like oh wow this is this is a vibe and i just stayed up and did my thing and then you know somehow made it home I don't really know anyways

not that I recommend anything to anybody but I've definitely had some good experiences with magic mushies and I will say that it's it definitely taught me to feel more comfortable in my skin and more comfortable in who I am and just be more confident in who I am which is something that I'm very thankful for there's lessons you can learn from anything you don't have to take drugs to learn a lesson you know like I think about these people who go on like ayahuasca retreats to like challenge their therapy and like you know what fantastic whatever works for you works for you but like I would like to make it clear that like safety is number one and you don't need drugs to you know have these revelations I think these are things that you can

discover and uncover within yourself sober um and looking back I wish I haven't done as many drunks as I have because I have permanent holes in my brain practically and I'm just tired moral of the story I'm just tired and yeah now I'm getting practically sober well cali sober where it's just some weed here and there and I'm very comfortable and fine with that and I'm also very thankful that I've outgrown that phase like I definitely went through a very addict heavy phase where I was kind of just doing anything that I just talked about previously and it was because I was running from myself and it was because I was just trying to find any form of escapism and it makes me sad that you know maybe I didn't feel so comfortable in myself that I needed to

escape that much but I'm glad that I've found myself in a place where I feel good and confident healthy and who I am and I don't need to escape life as much as much as I used to I still like to have my fun you know that party girl in me is still rocking but you know with balance me drinking eight vodka red bulls followed by a green juice you know what i mean this is a bit of a rambly episode so i do apologize i do actually answer some more questions on the next episode i'm just gonna make this one a little bit longer i think because i am going on vacation and i want to pay it forward to you guys and i think these topics are very fun to revisit and just go over so let's talk about living your best life and what

that looks like i think living my best life now is very different than maybe how i was previously or maybe how i previously talked about it and maybe my uh ideas of what it is to live your best life i mean definitely has changed i think back in the day when i was first starting this podcast i was thinking about living my best life and i really was still on that like dopamine mean um addict phase where I was like I need to be going doing this crazy thing and then this crazy thing and I was really just kind of like taking every opportunity that came at me at that point in time of my life and I think that was fantastic for the age that I was at I did need to challenge myself I did need to put myself out there I needed to like break out of my comfort zone a little bit

and thus it was like yeah fuck it I'll go to that concert yeah fuck it I'll travel to that state oh yeah you want me to go here cool let's try it like I didn't care I did care but I just was going with the flow of life I was just there to experience life side by side with life every opportunity that approached me I just if I felt confident in it I went with it and that's what I probably thought living my best life then was and I do carry aspects of that with me now I think what's so beautiful about growing up is there's so many different lessons you learn in so many different phases you go through that you do start carrying those things with you when you're an adult of course the older you get the more complex you get as you carry those different versions of yourself

with you so i do still have that aspect of myself where i'm like i do like taking advantage of life like i do like taking opportunities when they come i will never be one to close my eyes to the gifts of the universe and the synchronicities of it and just how beautiful that can really be but also I really appreciate a slow and challenging life I think I'm less living for the big like small things the small things that feel really enticing and dopamine inducing and now I'm really living for the long-term goals the long-term things the long haul of it all and it's forced me to really slow down and appreciate like the day-to-day life and also just appreciate growth and challenge um i think sometimes we think the idea of living our best

life is yacht hopping here and there and then going to this place and like maxing out those credit cards babe so you can always wear what you want but like i just that's just not a way to live it's so just like soul sucking and like those dopamine highs go by so quick that you're always searching for something else and nowadays I really just appreciate a slow and steady life I think it is such a blessing and it is so overlooked how good your life can be when you simply are able to function normally be healthy prioritize your health take care of yourself have an apartment these walls around you like have heating system be able to read and write and practice creativity to challenge yourself to try new classes to put yourself out there

to work towards big goals to have these dreams and aspirations and to achieve them I think that is all such a blessing and something that's so overlooked when we chase these these big highs when in reality like we need to be giving thanks for the little things we have around us because that's what is really uplifting and supporting and holding us in this life like I have this idea of myself in like 50 years it's like who is she she's wearing the same exact outfit but she is you know on her little homestead she has her beautiful little farmhouse small little kitchen stove that works yummy garden outside that she tends to keeps her moving keeps her functioning dirt under my fingernails cats everywhere of course a horse if i'm lucky enough maybe some

chickens in the back ideally somewhere in the forest just surrounded by nature and trees i even wouldn't mind the prairie but i do appreciate just like the overall um lushness of greenery in the forest and just the quietness of space a dirt road a truck that can get me point a to point b grandkids maybe that come and visit me at the very least neighbors that check in on me community family like I have this big idea in my head of like who I want to be when I get older and i'm talking about old like 80 and it is so simple it is such a simple idea it's gonna take me time to get there of course but sometimes literally the little things is what is what drives us and what keeps us feeling sane and composed and kind to ourselves and pushing

forward and i do all of this everything i do nowadays here now then there is for her in the future and I realize like everything that I want in the future is so simple that I need to start focusing on the little things in my life and how they add up and giving thanks and appreciation maybe taking those big steps if I need to of course living in tandem with life you know still traveling and exploring and understanding myself in tandem with the world but I think sometimes we have this idea of like this grandiosity of living our best life and we're always chasing this big high when in reality it could all be so simple if you allow yourself to give thanks for the things you've created for yourself no matter how big or how small it's just

so easy to build gratitude in yourself and also push yourself into the next phase where things can just get even better oh this is a good one let's talk disappointing your parents oh the one thing no kid ever wants to do and yet is the one thing every kid will do the older i get the more i kind of start putting myself oh this is the fucking demons in my head literally it's like there's something so scary about being a woman in her mid to late 20s where it's like your body starts doing this thing where it's like you need to have a fucking baby actually you need to have eight it's like you versus your hormones and also you know your lineage of all the other women before you where you're like oh no please I still have years I need to live and it's like no your

time is ticking you have to do it now and you're like oh my god this is too much anyways that's a conversation for another time but I do think a lot about am I in the position to have a child right now like when I have those thoughts where it's like but maybe I'll just have a baby it's like are you in the position to have a child right now no period because what do I want to be as a parent who do I want to be in what environment do I want to raise a child I would like to have a home I would like to be in this state I would like to be in an area that's a good you know school district like my parents thought about those things and really set me up for success in that way and i'm so appreciative of them for doing that that of course i want to give that

give that back to my future children two and five canadians will hear the words you have cancer that's why every step and dollar raised matters on september 19th join thousands in toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build of life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the

jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply of course you know you learn the positives of your life and you want to you know implement those for your children in the future absolutely but also when i'm also thinking about being a parent you sometimes think like but what would my kid be like if i have a little girl is she gonna be like me is she gonna be like a tomboy rolling around in the dirt like collecting snake skin like i was such that kind of kid when i was so younger i mean i had an older brother and i was surrounded by like neighborhood boys and we would just go play out in the forest and like collect rocks and just jump on the trampoline and like

I was a dirty little kid running around just like feral and it was so nice to do like is she gonna be like me or maybe she's gonna be you know more of like a fancy nancy kind of girl like really into pink and glitter and all the girly stuff like what are they gonna be and that's the beautiful thing about being a parent is you do get to like have those questions or just see those things and have them come to fruition but also it kind of starts to put some preconceived notions in your head and you start to set some like ideals for your kids because you want the best for them because you have a large imagination and you know that they can be anything so of course you're gonna ideally go for the best that they start you know implementing ideas or just like expectations

that you simply put can't meet especially as like a teenager as a college student as a young adult when you are messy and figuring yourself out you are not going to meet all of those things it's just not going to happen and you as an individual will disappoint your parents at some point in time it is a non-negotiable the longer you try and fight it the worst you're going to feel about yourself so you might as well rip that band-aid off right here right now okay because i was a massive people pleaser when i was growing up okay i always wanted to make sure everybody was happy i always wanted to make sure i was doing the right thing i don't know where it stems from we can get into that later i don't know but i always was like very aware of the expectations

put on me and i was very aware of my behavior and how i needed to behave and what was the correct behavior and what my parents wanted from me and what they wanted me to keep doing that I followed that to a tee and you know I think a lot of that did teach me how to be a good human being but also it's like you can prioritize yourself instead of someone else every once in a while and I did not know how to do that I was a massive people pleaser I was always following what my parents wanted to do up until the point of going to college I'm not even kidding and of course I was still like a weird little freak duh but it was more so about like the big expectations that of course i wanted to follow and one thing that my parents like really nailed me over the fucking head about is

if you are going to college and spending our money you need to be doing something which they covered some of the tuition of course i i took out loans but they were like you need to be doing something that actually makes you money in the future aka do not go to art school okay they wanted me to do something that was like job secure they wanted to make sure that I was making the most perfect decision ever and that I was going to be a very successful adult like I said parents want to set you up for success want to make sure you have the best future possible but sometimes they got to let off on those fucking controls sometime so what did I do did I go to art school hell no I didn't I went to nursing school and I found myself in a very sticky position where if

i had just challenged my parents when i was younger and got used to maybe you know focusing on what i wanted to do and voicing that for myself instead of always appeasing people i wouldn't have found myself in that position of well fuck i hate my life and i hate this fucking degree and i need to change but also i don't want to make them sad and i don't know what to do it was such a hard position for me to be in when in reality if i just would have you know maybe worked on those people-pleasing tendencies or allowed myself to disappoint my parents earlier on in life i wouldn't have been in such a predicament okay fact of the matter is you're going to disappoint your parents at some point in time you might as well do it now so you feel

more secure in voicing your opinions and voicing how you feel and taking part of your life because a big thing about being an adult is being in control of your life and figuring out how to navigate and drive the fucking life car down the life road you know what i mean oh my god this hangover is eating away at my brain cells does that even make goddamn sense sometimes i just be up on here rambling apologies but if you always let other people make your decisions for you you won't know how to make your own goddamn decisions and the best way to learn how to make your own decisions is to stand up for yourself to maybe go against the grain to speak up for yourself no parents i don't want to do that no i don't want to do that yes i want to do this i want to put

myself here i want to try this thing and yeah you are never going to live up to be that perfect child you aren't it's not gonna happen because none of us are perfect no human out here is perfect i don't care how they paint themselves you are not a god you are a human we're called humans for a reason all right and that means we make mistakes that means we disappoint people sometimes that means we make the wrong decision sometimes that means we have to change things up sometimes it is what it is the sooner you realize you're not a perfect human and you accept that and you learn how to just like voice who you are and stand strong beside that that sentiment the easier life gets for you and the more people take you seriously i remember i had a really big really

hard time because it was probably the biggest disappointment i had ever given my parents because it was the only one I had really ever given them and of course you know in grand Hannah fashion it was explosive drop out of college come back home move back home don't know what I'm doing okay now I'm applying for art school now I'm taking out even more loans on me because I made the wrong decision so now it's on me now I'm going back to art school like it was just like kind of a 360 but also it felt so liberating i felt like i was finally not living a lie i really tried to persevere because i knew it's what they wanted for me but i finally felt like i was living for myself and it was just so freeing and the thing is you're going to disappoint your parents at

some point in time it is what it is parents are meant to hold high expectations because your parents should want the best for you you know if your parents look you in the face and are like no you're fucking stupid you can't go to college that's crazy they are that's not a good parent okay but if you have a good parent who wants you to get into good schools who wants you to do good things it is a blessing it can feel overbearing thus you want to people please but if you do have a parent like that understand the blessing but also understand that this is your life to live and ultimately you need to make decisions for yourself and you need to make the right decisions for yourself and sometimes that means you know speaking up when maybe you don't

want to speak up saying things that are hard having those hard conversations having those disputes life isn't meant to be easy and I will say that our relationship grew stronger from it because they stopped seeing me as this like ideal child and they started seeing me as this human being and they were able to accept me as this human being because they were able to now see me fully for who I was so it will be so incredibly freeing just allowing yourself to be yourself and also just go against the grain of maybe things that you have been taught but just know aren't meant to follow and the beautiful thing is I know one day when I have kids and they end up disappointing me all I'm going to do is shake my head and say that's okay we

learn together we live together we'll figure it out together as long as you feel like you're making the right decision that's all that matters to me babe you know and i do look forward to that day honestly i do not today though not today could you imagine being hung over post halloween and there's a child next to you no thank you no thank you i love being an aunt though i do it is the best it is the goddamn best my niece and my nephew oh my parents sent me photos of them dressed up for halloween and oh my god they're so cute i don't need kids but they're adorable when they start screaming and crying i do like to hand them back to their parents thank you okay last but not least i think this is a really good topic and probably one of my most popular topics because

if one person knows how to do this it's definitely not it's definitely me and that is how to not give a fuck, okay? I think nowadays, I mean, you know, this is a highly anticipated topic because everything feels very personal and very big and very explosive right now. And that can be very overwhelming to the senses and the overall experience of life. Or maybe you want to detach a little bit and you're like, I need to not care as much as I do. But the thing about, the tricky thing about learning how to not give a fuck is learning how to and what is important to actually care about because that'll help weed things out let's get into it Hannah what do you mean to learn how to not give a fuck you have to learn how to give a fuck listen I think empathy

and caring is so important and you should care about things okay you should have things that you care about you should have things you look forward to you should have things that like move you to tears and and make you want to like be yourself or to show up and show out I think that's very important having those emotions having those attachments knowing what's important to you now to not give a fuck you have to know what's important to you and what's not okay so key step one what do I actually care about period what is worth my time my mental time and energy to care about and what is not because truly and honestly not giving a fuck is just knowing what is worth your peace and what isn't okay there is a lot of things out there that is not worth my time and

energy my mental capacity space time and energy there's a lot of things i need to be doing this life okay i got i got work to go to i got laundry to do i got so much shit to do that there's only so much I can care about in a day-to-day life otherwise if I care about everything and I know this because I'm a very empathetic person and I grew up a very empathetic child where I cared too much about everything talk about being scared to disappoint your parents I was just too empathetic to everything I was way too emotionally in touch to everything that it felt so debilitating and overwhelming like why am I at eight years old throwing up in the bathroom from anxiety that is that's too much okay like we need to learn how to detach a little bit I knew how to attach but I

thought because I knew how to attach that made everything important you know and that is just too much for someone's little brain okay having that much attachment to everything around you it can feel so debilitating and it can feel like maybe life is fighting against you instead of you being one with life you feel like you are in a raft going down a rapid river and you're just getting slashed around this way that way hitting this rock well it's tumultuous and it's not an easy way to live life I have so many different experiences where I was just like so young and just so like overly emotional and like attached to things that it caused me to have so many different mental breakdowns and it was like holy shit we got to free ourselves from this

so I had to learn what is worth these emotional attachments because I don't want to kill that emotion completely I do want to be empathetic and I know that like um those high emotions are good things like I do want to feel those things about things that I care about like my family my loved ones my community my pets myself like I need to be highly emotional highly attached to those things because that is what I care about that's what I feel passionate about but outside of that if it's something that I don't care about it's not worth that high emotional reaction it's not worth that connection to my soul because ultimately at the end of the day I don't give a fuck about it I don't care about it so why should I highly emotionally attach to it

drain my resources drain my emotional resources my emotional energy turn myself into a shell of a human for it period point blank it's okay to be a highly emotional person and be connected to things in life but what is worth that connection because your energy is important your life source is important how you move through this world is important and like if you split yourself up between everything and give a little bit to everything you won't have a lot to give to the things that you truly and honestly do care about it turns you into a shell of a human being it doesn't give you a good basis of like how to emotionally move throughout this world it's too much you just spread yourself out thin so know what you care about know yourself it's okay to also like be

caring about like little things or like um you're like oh yeah maybe people don't care about these things but i do that's okay that's important but also know the little things that you don't give a fuck about and realize maybe that's not my emotion not worth my emotional bandwidth right now maybe that's not worth the small amount of energy I have left inside of me right now setting emotional boundaries one may call it where it's like yes I can care about this thing maybe I don't give a fuck about this thing and that's me kind of like protecting my peace you know I do this a lot with like other people's emotions detaching from other people's emotions it's like I do care about how people feel period hello I'm not like not empathetic I do care about

how people feel I do want to be a good person that does bring peace and positivity to every person's lives but also with the whole people-pleasing tendency you know sometimes people are gonna have reactions that are completely outside of me sometimes people come home in bad moods that have nothing to do with me and I need to detach in those moments and realize like this is just isn't about you and not really give a fuck in that moment because it's not something you can fix it's not something that your energy will be able to solve it's not something that's worth your energy spending it on and i think that's truly how you go through the world being an empath or a highly emotional person and still be functioning in society you gotta realize some

things are not worth caring about sometimes you just have to not give a fuck now outside of that not giving a fuck in the sense of like being free is just allowing yourself to be yourself not giving a fuck what other people perceive you as okay now don't be an evil awful horrible human being that is this is not me giving you an excuse to oh i don't give a fuck if you're suffering oh i don't give a fuck about my neighbor oh i don't give a fuck about blah blah blah no yeah now you're just a fucking asshole and no one likes you like that's annoying i i don't like that okay i don't like excuses of well i just don't care it's like i know you care but like what when it comes to being a free individual human being and detaching yourself from the like expectations of

other people disappointing your parents or maybe preconceived notions from society of how you're supposed to live your life i think it is very important to not give a fuck in that sense because it fully allows you to be who you are okay and now same basis of like learn where to care and learn where not to care learn what's important to you okay what do you care about for yourself what do you care about bringing in for yourself do you want to dress this way is that something you care about do you want to be perceived this way is that something you care about how do you want to hold yourself like in society do you care about your job do you care about this do you care about that fantastic follow that follow yourself follow your passions follow your care but outside of that

there needs to be some sort of barrier here where you can't let other people's expectations or society's expectations seep in and conform you into a person you're not it's important to not give a fuck in that sort of sense to be able to fully express yourself and to be able to fully be who you are and it's hard it just comes with practice okay hey i'll be the first to admit that like yeah i sometimes care about how i'm perceived duh hello who isn't we're not perfect people of course we're gonna feel these ways sometimes but also i reinforce that idea with like but truly the only opinion that matters is myself you know am i the kind of person i want to be am i following the morals that i want to have am i you know doing the things that matter to me because that's

all that fucking matters i say this all the time at the end of the day when we die we are the only person in that deathbed sure we might be surrounded by people but like we live and die with ourselves so really the only thing you should really honestly care about opinion wise perspective wise is who you are as an individual and like i said this is not an excuse for you to be an asshole i hate that shit this is an excuse for you to do what drives you with passion with peace with positivity and to follow those things no matter what anybody else says or wants for you because at the end of the day that all we have are ourselves now like i said this comes with practice you know wearing that crazy outfit getting some stairs learning the stairs aren't

going to literally turn you to stone and then realizing it does not matter okay you don't give a fuck anymore now you're gonna wear that outfit more often oh you want to be a more outgoing person oh you spark up a conversation with that person and you realize wow people actually talk back to you fantastic now you can stop caring about how much you're perceived and just have general conversations in life oh you want a career switch but you're scared you're scared of what other people will think about you um doing the decision anyways and realizing oh wow the only fear you hold is within yourself and other people will never be able to do things for you so you might as well do them for yourself and realizing that usually when you do that you're very successful

and not giving a fuck anymore about what anybody else says like it's things like that in practice you will get there it'll be a challenge but you need to understand what is important to you what is not and not attaching to the things that are not worth your mental space that are not worth your energy your time period point blank me with anxiety like i choose not to see like i know it doesn't matter so i really am not gonna sit here and ruminate on it like it is just it it does not matter in the grand scheme of things so simply i do not give a fuck i'm gonna focus on locking in and cleaning the fuck out of my house and doing a podcast instead because that's what i care about see i think back when i talked about this topic it was very surface level of like nobody matters

but yourself which i kind of hit on you know in a more compassionate way but i think nowadays especially when it comes to just like emotional attachment and feeling so emotionally attached to so many different things that we really need to weigh like what is important and what is not in the grand scheme of it so then we're able to use our energy in a productive and kind way because guess what I do give a fuck but I really sometimes do not give a fuck I know I'm cool and hot and sexy and empathetic and kind and positive and that's what matters anyways Red Bull sponsor me please send me sugar-free though because that's all I drink anyways with that being said I love you all so much if there's any topics you want me to re-hit on please let me know I am happy to do

so happy to revisit those things sorry today was a little bit of a rambly episode I ran out of questions so I was like okay let's lock in on some some older topics but I do appreciate you guys showing up for me every week you're the reason i sit down and do this every single week twice a week and in fact this week since i'm pre-recording i think i did six episodes so my brain's a little a little mushy gushy so i do apologize for for the rambles but i think some people do like it if you want to see more from me and exclusive photos from japan join the patreon patreon.com slash smoke says shoddy i will also be uploading a japan vlog whenever i'm back i'm hoping the flight back like that 14 hours gives me enough time to edit a full vlog so i can just have it

up as soon as i get home but that will be on youtube at hannah marlene 444 and if you want to see just like daily stories and follow along with me and everything that i'm up to in japan follow me on instagram at hannah marlene i also posted my halloween costume there so Go check it out. And most importantly, stay sane, stay sexy, and I'll see you all so soon. Two in five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear

of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.